Quick Win: How to talk openly with your partner about guilt, with Atlassian's Dom Price

Dom Price was given some pretty bad advice right before he became a father. A well-intentioned friend told him never to share pictures of his overseas work trips with his partner, because it might make her jealous…

On his first few long-distance work trips after becoming a dad, Dom didn’t want to tell his partner that he was having a good time in case it made her time home alone with their twins feel even more challenging by comparison. But Dom quickly discovered the opposite was true. 

Of course, his partner wanted him to have a good time, and she reminded him that if he had to leave them for a week anyway, it would only be truly worthwhile if he got everything possible out of his trip. She also reminded him that leaving the family intermittently for work was actually part of his role as a father, especially as the only breadwinner at the time. 

Since then, Dom and his partner have been hyper-conscious of their communication, and pay particular attention to when and why they’re feeling guilty as parents and partners.  

Connect Dom via X, Linkedin, or on his website.

Listen to the full interview here.

My latest book The Health Habit is out now. You can order a copy here: https://www.amantha.com/the-health-habit/

Connect with me on the socials:

Linkedin (https://www.linkedin.com/in/amanthaimber)

Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/amanthai)

If you are looking for more tips to improve the way you work and live, I write a weekly newsletter where I share practical and simple to apply tips to improve your life. You can sign up for that at https://amantha-imber.ck.page/subscribe

Visit https://www.amantha.com/podcast for full show notes from all episodes.

Get in touch at [e-mail]

Credits:
Host: Amantha Imber
Sound Engineer: Martin Imber

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Lassie and futurist Dom Price was given some pretty bad
advice right before he became a father. A well intentioned
friend told him never to share pictures of his overseas
work trips with his partner because it might make her jealous.
On his first few long distance work trips after becoming

(00:21):
a dad, Dom didn't want to tell his partner that
he was having a good time in case it made
her time home alone with their twins feel even more
challenging by comparison. But Dom quickly discovered the opposite was true.
So how did Dom and his partner change the way
they communicate after becoming parents of twins? And why do

(00:44):
they pay particular attention to when and why they're feeling
guilty as parents and as partners. My name is doctor
amanthe Immer. I'm an organizational psychologist and the founder of
behavioral science consultancy Inventium, And this is how I work

(01:04):
a show about how to help you do your best work.
On today's quick Win episode, we go back to an
interview from the past and I pick out a quick
win that you can apply today. In today's show, I
speak with Don Price about how he and his partner
transformed the way they communicate with each other after they
became parents too twins.

Speaker 2 (01:25):
I remember the first time I actually physically went back
into the office for a day's work and I had
some meetings. I was like, I'm going in today. And
then I remember getting into the office and I got
so much done that day. I bumped into people, I
had adult conversation. It was great. And then and then
I got a picture from a girlfriend popway to the day.
She's out with the kids doing stuff, and I was like, oh,
you're a bad dad. It's not what she intended. She

(01:46):
sent to me a picture to remind me of like
they were fine. She was fine, they're having fun. But
I was like, you're a bad dad. You're not there
to help with feed You're not that all the change.
You're like, what are you so you're having all this fun.
You know, you're having lunch, You're relaxing. You're not going
to carry in the world. I did have a car,
I had meetings and work to do. But to go
into that adult mode and be wholly focused on that
is very different from my work from home mode. My

(02:07):
work from home mode is a lot of context switching.
It's I'll do a meeting, I'll do a workshop, I'll
do a zoom call. And then I'm like, I got
a half hour break. What can I do in that
half hour? I'm not getting ahead with work. I'm like,
I can help for Echo something, i can put some
laundry on, i can cook some food, nip the seed,
mike or whatever. Because I'm playing two roles at the
same time, and I like that duality. I'm fine with it.
Like it's actually quite modal and it works. I'm like

(02:28):
spike of work. You know. I start early in the
morning seven am, us calls brilliant hold of stuff, and
I'm like, right, I'm going to the supermarket. I can't
do a supercowers to come back decent more meetings, decent
war works, and I'm like, right, I'm going to cook
some food. My brains trust, I'll cook some food, do
some more stuff, bath the kids, and I'm like, I've
got an hour's worth of working, meright. I'm going to
get so so that modular works. But there's no guilt
with it when it's modulo, because I get a little

(02:48):
bit sprinter on the day when it's binary. When it's
Dad walks out the door and leaves and I'm sat there,
even though my commuter works fourteen minutes, for those fourteen
minutes might as well be a million miles because I'm like,
I can't help if something goes wrong, right, and if
you need me if one kid's done something to the
nappy and the other one needs to feel if something
happens and you've got one set of hands and two kids,

(03:09):
I'm not there to help. And that just filled me
with guilt. So I was like, Okay, is that feels normal?
Like in a natural response. So I talked to my
girlfriend about it. I'm like, here's how I feel like,
and it's weird because I want to do more time
at home, but I need to. And she's like, you
are the primary earner. You keep a roof overhead. Part
of your role as dad is to maintain that job
and that's part of your job. Don't feel guilty. So

(03:29):
then it's like, okay, cool, how do we handle this?
So the way we handle it is early warnings. So
I'm like, I communicated with work, with my team, my
extended team at work, and I'm like, if you want
me to travel for work, I need at least six
weeks notice. So like, why I was like, because that's
the only fair thing to do right. The only fair
thing for Beckery is to go right. In six weeks,
I'm going to Nashville. I'm going to be away for
a week. Let's plan for that, knowing that we can't

(03:51):
plan for it because stuff's going to happen, that's out
of our control. But what are the things we need
to get in place so you're comfortable for that week
And I'm comfortable and not feeling guilty because if I
go to Nashville, but my head's still in Sydney, because
I feel guilty that I'm doing need the job well.
So when I'm in Nashville, I have to immerse. I
have to be unapologetic. And so it was fascinating. I
got some really bad advice from a friend, which was

(04:12):
when you're traveling, don't tell your partner how much fun
you're having, which which kind of makes sense, right, you
don't want to rub it in. But then with one trip,
I like I was down playing. It was like, you're
not enjoying it. I was like, I'm actually having a
really good time and I'm getting a lot done. She's like, good,
that's why you're there, Like, do that and I'm like, yeah,
why am I pretending that it's rubbish when it's not.
And so again we've been unapologetically honest with each other.

(04:34):
She's unapologetically honest if she's struggling or if he's going
really well, and vice versa, right, And so that that
candor and openness has really helped, and then the forward planning, right,
and then just knowing what is that ritual? So we
have a silly ritual. I do all the cooking in
the house. I love cooking my relaxation, and.

Speaker 1 (04:50):
You take lots of photos of it as well, which
I appreciate. Yea.

Speaker 2 (04:53):
So the rule is is before I go on a trip,
I cook all the meals. So the other week I
was in Portugal for an event with one of Alassian's
life customers. Flew out on a Sunday Saturday afternoon, went
to the suedmarket, filled the trolley and had a great time.
I cooked four different meals for Becker. Her old housemate
moved in for the week. She's like, if you're cooking
that food, I want to come and hang out. And
I put all the meals for the kids, which was great.

(05:13):
That was my therapy, right, I genuinely enjoy it. But
cooking all that that takes the guilt away, takes the
pressure off the freezer. The fridge is full, so there's
one less thing to worry about. I know you're going
to be fed. Anything else we can work out afterwards, right,
So it's little tips and tricks of how we bounce
it to front load back end stuff and then just
communicate about it.

Speaker 1 (05:34):
I hope you enjoyed this little quick win episode today.
If you would like to listen to the full interview,
you can find a link to that in the show notes.
If you're looking for more tips to improve the way
that you work, I write a short fortnightly newsletter that
contains three cool things that I've discovered that helped me
work better, ranging from software and gadgets that I'm loving

(05:58):
throughly interesting research finding. You can sign up for that
at Howiwork dot com. That's how I Work dot co.
Thank you for sharing part of your day with me
by listening to How I Work. If you're keen for
more tips on how to work better, connect with me
via LinkedIn or Instagram. I'm very easy to find. Just
search for Amantha Imba. How I Work was recorded on

(06:22):
the traditional land of the Warrangery people, part of the
Koln nation. I am so grateful for being able to
work and live on this beautiful land, and I want
to pay my respects to elders, past, present and emerging.
How I Work is produced by Inventium and hosted by
me Amantha Imba, and a big thank you to Martin
Imba who did the audio mix and makes everything sound

(06:45):
better than it would have otherwise.