Quick Win: Why you feel stuck (and the simple reflection to change it)

Are you stuck in autopilot, drifting through life without a sense of direction? This episode can help you get back in touch with what really matters. 

In this Quick Win, I’m joined by Dr. Emily Musgrove - clinical psychologist, author of Unstuck, and resident Psych on The Imperfects podcast. We unpack the signs you’re disconnected from your values and the simple ways to reconnect with them, like the “80th birthday” exercise and a values questionnaire. 

Dr. Em shares: 

• How values misalignment shows up in therapy and life 

• Why “stuckness” signals you’re out of touch with your values 

• The 80th birthday exercise for identifying what really matters to you 

• The power of questionnaires in surfacing your core values 

• Why values are bidirectional (hint: kindness to yourself counts too) 

Key Quotes: 

“The presence of avoidance often signals a values disconnection.” 

“Being kind includes being kind to yourself - sometimes that means setting boundaries.” 

Connect with Dr. Em on Instagram, LinkedIn and her website. Check out her new book Unstuck. 

Listen to the full episode here. 

 

My latest book The Health Habit is out now. You can order a copy here: https://www.amantha.com/the-health-habit/ 

Connect with me on the socials: 
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/amanthaimber 
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/amanthai 

If you are looking for more tips to improve the way you work and live, I write a weekly newsletter where I share practical and simple to apply tips to improve your life. You can sign up for that at https://amantha-imber.ck.page/subscribe 

Visit https://www.amantha.com/podcast for full show notes from all episodes. 

Get in touch at [e-mail] 

Credits: 
Host: Amantha Imber 
Sound Engineer: The Podcast Butler 

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Do you find yourself feeling stuck? Do you feel that
the things that you hold most important don't actually end
up getting achieved and instead you're stuck in auto pilot
or maybe just weathering the storm. You might have fallen
out of touch with your values, if you can relate
to that, or maybe you haven't properly identified your values

(00:24):
to begin with, Dr Emily Musgrove or Dr M as
you might know her, is a leading clinical psychologist and
the residence on The Imperfect podcast, and she is the
author of the new book Unstuck. In this quick win,
we discuss the big signs that you have fallen out

(00:44):
of touch with your values and the trick to figuring
out what your values actually are. Welcome to How I Work,
a show about habits, rituals, and strategies for optimizing your date.
I'm your host, Doctor Amantha Imba. It's easy to talk

(01:10):
about values, but I think it's actually really hard to
identify them, and I think that most people are probably
very out of touch with their values. So where is
the best place to start?

Speaker 2 (01:20):
Really? Basically, I would often start with a questionnaire, and
it sounds like a very kind of concrete, trivial way,
but I think it can offer us like a bit
of a gateway to more in depth explorations. So I
have a questionnaire in my book. It's based upon one
of Russ Harris, who's the author of The Happiness Trap.
One of his question is, and it's pulled in from
some other acceptance and commitment therapy researchers, but you know,

(01:43):
you can go and find it online, like you know,
values questionnaire, and at least that's us like a place
to start to explore basically, what is it that I
want my life to stand for? So how do I
want to show up? And it's really kind of the
quality of behavior rather than maybe a moral or a virtue.
There are also some, you know, some more kind of

(02:04):
reflective ways in which we can access our values. The
eightieth birthday exercise is a very common one which we'll
use in therapy. But in essence, it's asking you to
reflect upon like a milestone event in many years time,
and that at this milestone event you have you invite
friends and family to do a speech about you, And
the question is what is it that you would want

(02:25):
them to say about you, whether you're acting this way
or not? Now, what is it that you would deeply
like them to say about how you've lived your life,
and often that will uncover the things that are most important,
So things like, you know, a hope to be remembered
for being caring or being curious or being creative. And
so we can kind of use that as again as

(02:46):
like a platform to really kind of get a stronger
sense like how do I want to show up?

Speaker 1 (02:51):
I think, yeah, I love that eightieth birthday party exercise
that you write about in Unstuck. How do you know,
like how does it show up in therapy when you're
the therapist that someone is either not in touch with
their values or is living out of alignment with them.

Speaker 2 (03:09):
Yeah. Yeah, usually it will be that that like to
put a very plan that they'll be stuck, that there'll
be some sort of stuckness here. So there's a sense
here that there's a gap between my values and my behavior.
So if for example, we might have someone that values
let's just say like curiosity for example, but they're finding

(03:29):
through a lot of struggle that they're getting caught an
autopilot all the time. Maybe they're scrolling on their phone
a lot. There's like the mood is very flat, they're
kind of going through the motions, and so it might
feel there that we've kind of lost connection with this
value of curiosity, because curiosity is one of kind of
growth and openness, whereas like through daily struggles, we can get,

(03:51):
of course pulled into whatever is easiest and what feels
the least painful, and that can be avoidant behaviors. So
the presence of avoidance and behaviors that provide quick relief
or relief from some kind of pain often signal or
values disconnection.

Speaker 1 (04:12):
Your clients generally aware of that when when they're describing
that behavior to you, or does it often take you,
as an external trained professional to point that discrepancy out.

Speaker 2 (04:25):
I think it's both. You know, so some people will
never have thought about values before, and some people may
not actually be aware that this kind of discomfort that's
here is highlighting that they're in misalignment with their values,
whereas other people know and that can also be really painful.
Like this recognition that I have like these are my values,
that I'm acting inconsistently with them, I think that can

(04:48):
kind of open people up to feeling shame or feeling
a great sadness or a disappointment. So I think it
can be both that we can have an awareness of
our values or we can just be really disconnected from them.
But where this is another story.

Speaker 1 (05:01):
I think one of the things that I've heard you
talk about and you write about in Unstuck is that
values are bidirectional. Can you explain what that means?

Speaker 2 (05:12):
Yes? Yeah, Like, as a people pleaser, for example, we
might hold values around being kind and being caring. So
you would assume then that like, the act of being
kind is towards other people, So my behavior is consistent
with the value of kindness when I'm showing up in
kind ways to other people. But what I didn't realize,

(05:33):
and what only kind of came to like to me
a few years ago, was that actually, if I value
being kind, I also value being kind to myself. And
so that might mean, for example, like boundaries, So an
act of kindness might be putting a boundary in place
rather than pleasing everybody else in order to be kind.
So it's a bit of a balancing act of being

(05:53):
able to recognize and again like tune in, am I
showing out to my values by over exerting myself all
the time? Or am I showing out to my values
by saying no or putting a boundary in place, or
speaking up when someone's being rude, for example. But it's
a really tough ask.

Speaker 1 (06:13):
I hope you enjoyed this quick win with Dr M.
If you'd like to listen to the full interview, you
can find a link to that in the show notes.
If you like today's show, make sure you get follow
on your podcast app to be alerted when new episodes drop.
How I Work was recorded on the traditional land of
the Warrangery people, part of the Couland nation.