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December 8, 2024 9 mins

Once A Cheater Always A Cheater: This Caller's Cheating Story Had Us All Shocked

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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to the Robin and Kid podcast.

Speaker 2 (00:06):
We started talking about this last week because there's this
guy in the US who for seventeen years has been
a clinical psychologist and licensed marriage and family counselor. But
he's focused on helping couples who have struggled with infidelity,
and rather than just making the assumption that as soon
as someone cheats on you, you're out, he's come up
with some myths because he is trying to help couples

(00:28):
turn towards each other rather than run away if infidelity
is the major issue. Now, last week we were talking
about cheating means just having sex with someone, and we
kind of went backwards and forwards on that one. But
myth number two for today is once a cheater, always
a cheater.

Speaker 3 (00:48):
Well, I mean, if you just go with history, it
seems like that is the truth. Like that, it seems like, yes,
once someone's cheated, the chances of them cheating again are
through the roof.

Speaker 2 (01:00):
Not necessarily, and this is what he says. He says,
it depends why they cheated, right, right, So if there's
an issue within the relationship and that issue is not addressed,
then yes, you're just going to do exactly the same thing.
You know, you put a band aid over it, you
might forgive them, and then nothing gets resolved. So the
first thing he says is the only way you can
move past that as a couple is if that person

(01:20):
and in fact often both of you must face why
it happened. Second thing is that when it comes to cheating,
this will be controversial to is that there it takes
two for one person to cheat. And I don't mean
the person outside of the relationship. Clearly the relationship is
broken for someone to look outside of it, and that's

(01:41):
a question you've both got to ask yourselves as to
why it was broken. Now, that's not blame. That's just
saying that if someone is unhappy to look out. Now
that's also not victim blaming either. It's just saying no, no, no,
I know. But it's saying that you must look at
your relationship as a whole and question why that happened.

Speaker 3 (02:00):
Yeah, but you can question it, right, But that doesn't
like there's still there's one person that because for me,
that's it is a deal breaker. For me, it's like, Okay,
you've crossed a line, and so so for me, it's
a line that you can't cross without the relationship being over.
So you've chosen one person. The relationship is chosen to

(02:20):
cross a line. Yes, like yes, there might be yes,
there might be reasons from both sides that has happened,
but the.

Speaker 2 (02:26):
Other person and if the other person doesn't choose that,
then there's an absolute betrayal and no question.

Speaker 3 (02:31):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (02:31):
And the third thing that's really interesting that I've never
thought about is that an affair is like the fantasy.
You don't actually ever get the three dimensional version of
the person. You get a one dimensional where you can
present whatever you want to to that individual, but it's
not the good, the bad, and the ugly and often
a fair relationships that may start as affairs don't last

(02:53):
in real life because then you get the ugly and
you go, you know, you present your best self until
you can't. And you know, there absolutely are people who
are serial affair givers because they just want that one
dimensional They just want their affirmation and the rush, and
then they just keep moving.

Speaker 3 (03:12):
I remember my because my first marriage ended with my
partner had an affair, and so there's a couple of
things that I remember. One thing I remember leading up
before we got married is one thing she did was
we had a we had an event to go to,
I don't know what. It was, barbecue or something and someone,
and she lied about why we couldn't be there when

(03:33):
the truth would have been just fine, Like the truth
was not it was like one of us was sick
or something. But she had this lie that just went
bang and it was perfect and it was so believable.
And I watched her lie.

Speaker 2 (03:45):
Did you know it was a lie? Whish it was
coming on.

Speaker 3 (03:46):
And it was a lie? Yeah, Because I was sitting
next to her and I went, oh, my goodness, you
are an incredible liar. Oh the capacity to lieity, just
to lie like that. And I remember thinking and we
had this real, like real major moment. Then I was like,
do you lie to me like that?

Speaker 1 (04:03):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (04:03):
Wow?

Speaker 3 (04:04):
And you know, and we had to be like, you've
got to stop like this. That's that side of you
I don't care for. I don't want to see you
lying to people because that means you can do it
to me. And eventually she did.

Speaker 2 (04:14):
She did.

Speaker 3 (04:14):
I had this whole amazing ruse, like you know, for
the affair. And interestingly, because I read all the messages,
I ended up seeing all the Facebook messages between her
and the blog. Yeah, and which was devastating at the time,
but it was interesting. It was all a lot of
it was like I can't wait to wear together and
we're going to have this wonderful life together and blah
blah blah and did they no. Yeah, like within five
days of me leaving, it was just like that affair

(04:37):
didn't have like that was all shut down. Really. Yeah,
so the dream and yeah, it was it was one dimensional.
Like you said, it was all this like it's going
to be great and then it wasn't okay.

Speaker 2 (04:45):
So top line, which is a hard thing to answer,
but do you believe that once a cheater, always a cheater.

Speaker 3 (04:51):
I definitely in that case, yes, I would not have
There was no way that we were going back. There
was no way that I was going to be able
to trust her because I just thought, yeah, you are
a liar and you're a cheater.

Speaker 2 (05:00):
Do you think that. I mean, it's so hard. I
don't want to just focus on her because that's not fair.
But do you think that's that is some people's modus operandi,
that they don't change and that whatever relationship they go into,
they will cheat.

Speaker 3 (05:12):
I don't no, I don't. I don't think she's cheating.
I don't think she cheated on her next partner. I don't. Well,
I don't know, but I don't think so. But she
did definitely with me. I think that was once you
can cross the line with that person, I feel like
you can cross it again.

Speaker 2 (05:25):
See that's interesting. It's about then forgiving your partner if
that trust is broken, and I think that is a
hard thing today. I don't know. I think you'd have
to really double doubt. It depends on your circumstances, if
you have small children, if you have something greater to lose.
Hillary Clinton, yes, because if she'd broken up with Bill
Clinton and you who knows what goes on behind close tours,

(05:48):
but you would guess that she stayed because the power
of two and the notoriety of that kept her in politics,
and that was a bigger thing for her than the infidelity.

Speaker 3 (05:58):
Yep.

Speaker 2 (05:59):
So I don't know.

Speaker 3 (06:00):
Thirty six five out number, I'd love to speak to someone.
Have you ever taken someone back that's cheated and can
you trust them? Or is there always that little inkling
of you wanted to check there? Who's that messaging?

Speaker 2 (06:13):
Rosie of klontaf you have got a doozy of a story.
What happened?

Speaker 1 (06:19):
So, hi robin, hi kid. I was actually married for
my first marriage for eleven years, and around about I guess,
like the the ninth year, I had actually discovered that
my husband was actually having an affair with his secretary.

(06:43):
So that actually went on for two years. But the
kicker of that is that the affair was actually happening
while she was actually planning her own marriage, and I
only actually found out about the affair after she got married.

(07:04):
And then she had actually told her new husband the
day after they actually got married that she was having
an affair with her born way, yes, way, what happened.

Speaker 2 (07:19):
To their marriage? Did I stay around?

Speaker 1 (07:23):
I have no idea that's that. That's not my my jam.
I don't wish to do to stay in that. So
you just so, you just.

Speaker 3 (07:34):
You just cut that like a bad wound and went right,
that's done.

Speaker 1 (07:37):
Well. I actually tried. But look, my husband and I
actually tried all my ex husband now we actually he
really wanted to glue things back together, where as for me,
once trust is actually tainted, you can never really go back.

(07:58):
That's that's my kind of like perspective on it. So
we did actually try for a while to find out
that he had actually gone back to her, so they
were still actually having discontinued affair. But then that actually
allegedly stopped and he how.

Speaker 2 (08:22):
Can you do counseling to save your marriage while continuing
on with the affair. I mean that that that arrogance
is insanita.

Speaker 1 (08:32):
I know, I know, right, but it gets better or
it gets worse, one or the other. So, uh, whilst
we were doing this rebuild, he was he then moved
on to another secretary, so and they were actually continuing

(08:55):
their affair. So we had actually, uh said with type.
And the way that we actually seven Tibes was we
actually had this a hiking trip organized, which was two kakota,
which is probably one of the toughest legs that you
could actually do. We completed Kakota. I actually had both

(09:15):
of our wedding rings on me and I had actually
found them together, and when I got to the top
of was I was corner, i'd actually thrown them.

Speaker 3 (09:23):
But did he know did he know that that was
that was coming, that you were going to be throwing?
Now what a.

Speaker 1 (09:30):
Surprise, complete surprise in the world. Done got back on
the plane.

Speaker 2 (09:34):
Did see you later, mate, I never saw him again.

Speaker 3 (09:38):
It's Robin On, Brisbane's
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