November 16, 2025 • 39 mins
This is the update you’ve all been waiting for… and a year later, she’s back to tell us what really went down. Last time we spoke, the separation was still fresh. Now the divorce is almost final, and everything that happened in between is the stuff every woman should know long before she ever needs to. We’re talking expectations versus reality, the loopholes no one warns you about, and the parts of the process that only make sense once you’re living them. She also shares the lessons she wishes she’d known sooner, how she’s navigating the big conversations with her kids, and the mindset shift that changed everything.
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Acknowledgement of Country By Nartarsha Bamblett aka Queen Acknowledgements.
The advice shared on She's On The Money is general in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances. She's On The Money exists purely for educational purposes and should not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision. If you do choose to buy a financial product, read the PDS, TMD and obtain appropriate financial advice tailored towards your needs. Victoria Devine and She's On The Money are authorised representatives of Money Sherpa PTY LTD ABN - 321649 27708, AFSL - 451289.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
My name's Anatasha Bamblet. I'm a proud First Nations woman
and I'm here to acknowledge country t glennyan Ganya, Niana,
kaka ya Ya bin Ahaka Nian Our gay In Nimbina,
yakarum jar Dominyama, Doma Itawakaman, damon Imlan bomber bang Gadabomba
in and now in wakah ghana on yak rum jar Watnadaa. Hello,
(00:22):
beautiful friends, we gather on the lands of the Aboriginal people.
We thank acknowledge and respect the Abiginal people's land that
we're gathering on today. Take pleasure in all the land
and respect all that you see. She's on the Money
podcast acknowledges culture, country, community and connections, bringing you the tools,
knowledge and resources for you to thrive.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
She's on the Money. She's on the Money.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
Hello and welcome to She's on the Money, the podcast
that lets you be pervy about other people's money.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Stories for educational purposes.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
Of course, today's episode is something a little bit different,
and I am so flipping excited about it because one
of our most popular money diaries of all time, the
one that had all of us yelling yes, queen in
the back.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Yeah, she's back.
Speaker 3 (01:31):
So you might remember a year ago we read a
letter and I'm going to read it out again. It
sounded exactly like this, Hello, she's on the money Queen's
I'm a thirty five year old mum of two with
a story that serves as a cautionary tale for all women.
Three months into relocating to a news date with my husband,
he blindsided me with the news that he was leaving.
I had absolutely no idea this was coming. And here's
(01:55):
the tough part. We had joint money. He earns three
times what I do, and I have spent the last
nine years out of full time work raising our children.
Now I have to pick myself back up and reassess
everything to start fresh and give my kids the life
they deserve. Now, obviously I'll link this episode in the
show notes so that you can go back and do
(02:15):
you know what you should go back. Don't get further
into this and spoil the excitement of seeing where somebody
is without having listened to the first episode. But to
give you a really quick recap, last Time Money Diarist,
you were on the show. You'd just been blindsided by
your husband. Literally a few months after moving into state,
and right after a meeting about buying a property together,
(02:36):
you told me that you didn't have any money in
your own name at that point, which was really stressful
and it made obviously everything feel even harder when he
decided to leave. Now I remember you saying that mediation
was one of the best decisions that you ever made,
and you went in prepared and then you actually walked
out with sixty percent of his souperunuation and no debts
left on the table, which was an absolute sleigh. You
(02:59):
also negotiated around I think it was four grand a
month in child support, which put you in a way
better position to borrow again and then start planning for
the future and look after your children and get back
on track. And you'd just gone back to work as
a communications manager on a one hundred and three thousand
dollars a year paycheck, which was honestly incredible because obviously,
(03:19):
hearing your story, you were like, I'm so stressed, I've
been out of work, Like am I going to be
able to get an income? And you were really focused
on rebuilding your confidence in your career, which obviously every
single person in the she's on the money community was
absolutely behind you. In that episode, you gave yourself a
D minus for your money habits. Back then you said
I'm a D minus, but by the end of the
(03:41):
chat you'd actually said, do you know what? You know?
Speaker 4 (03:43):
What? V?
Speaker 3 (03:44):
I reckon? I'm a V plus And honestly, it felt
like the perfect symbol of just how far you'd come
and what you'd achieved. But now you're back, So welcome
to the show, my friend, and thanks for reaching out
and saying, hey, guys, I've got a little juicy update.
Speaker 4 (04:01):
I mean, it's so interesting listening to all that and remembering,
I guess where I was like this time of year ago. Yeah,
I was feeling. I mean, there's a few things that
have all happened, some good, some not so good, to
catch everyone up on. There's still some definitely some cautionary
tale elements to my story. But the biggest, most exciting
thing is that I remember when I was speaking to you,
(04:24):
and my two biggest goals were to take my kids
on holiday and to my house. And I mean, I
literally have goosebums when I say this, but I have
achieved both of those things.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
Get in a bin, are you?
Speaker 4 (04:36):
Bon I did both so it. We had an amazing
family holiday. I mean, I'm literally sitting in my daughter's
room right now. It's best for acoustics.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
You know, I have goose bums. I don't know if
you can see them. I'm so excited for you.
Speaker 4 (04:51):
And we had just the best holiday ever of my
whole life, and the kids loved it. And then yeah,
a little while after that, so, like I said, I
think in the last one, my parents have been amazing,
and they you know, all through their own very very
clever approach to money over the years, Like you know,
they keep saying, Oh, we're just in a fortunate position
(05:12):
where we can help you on There's nothing fortunate about it.
You guys made really really smart financial decisions, and I
just could not be more grateful. So they contributed like
my deposit and then some which meant that I was
able to buy a house. And we've been here now
since I think we moved in May, and we just
love it. Like it's just we're so happy here, the
(05:33):
stability that we've got. I mean, I'm literally looking out
into my backyard right now and I can see the
kids trampoline and the basketball hoop and you know, and
it's like you know, their primary school is a block
and a half away, so most days we take the
dog and we walk to school. And then their high
school is a couple of blocks from here too, and
they've got all these friends in the neighborhood and so
it's just all the things. It's all the things. You know,
(05:55):
It's little and it's not perfect, but it's ours and
we just we love it. So that has been fantastic.
Speaker 3 (06:02):
Oh, I'm so so excited for you. If we go
back to the day that we were recording, I feel
like you were so switched on. I was like, if
this had happened to me or you know, sadly, I've
seen lots of women in our community go through this.
You just had an air of positivity about you that
I was like, I don't know if I could muster that, Like,
I just don't know if I would be as optimistic
(06:23):
about the future. I'm not saying that you should be
down about this, but it's very easy to waller in
your own circumstances and be like, oh, whoa is me?
And you were not like that at all. How are
you feeling now? Obviously like you've achieved these big money
goals that you'd set and said you wanted to achieve,
and I don't think you thought they were going to happen.
Within the first twelve months. You were like, you know,
but there are things I'm going to do for my kids.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
Did you listen to the episode?
Speaker 4 (06:47):
Like was that I did?
Speaker 3 (06:49):
Women familiar to you? How do you feel about it now?
Speaker 4 (06:52):
I mean, I have lots of feelings about it, to
be honest, I think you would be able to show
up in that way because I think as mothers really
don't realize how strong we are until we have to
be for our kids. And I think, as I you know,
it's like people say like, oh my god, I could
never have twins, Well like, of course you could, Like
of course you could, because you'd have to figure out
a way, like and you're a mum, and so you do.
(07:12):
And that was very much my approach is like I
have to show.
Speaker 3 (07:15):
Up for my kids, and I have to. There's actually
no choice here. I wasn't like, oh, would you like
to do this and you're like, oh, no, thank you, no.
Speaker 4 (07:22):
Thank you. I choose misery. I just didn't have that.
And I mean, you know, I've gotten very like woo
woo over the last year and a bit. I do
my gratitude like meditating and manifesting every day. I really
believe in it. I just really believe a positive mindset
is such an important thing to have. I actually listened
(07:42):
to you had an episode with Georgia from.
Speaker 3 (07:47):
Oh Georgie Stevenson from Rise and Conker.
Speaker 4 (07:49):
Yes, I listened to that, and that, you know, I
was already doing a lot of it already then, but
then I've also then since gotten into all of her
stuff as well, which is great. So on the one hand, yeah,
I look at it and I'm like, yeah, I'm proud
that I was able to do that, and for the
most part, I am still the same. But also it's
been a really, really tough year since then. Things have
(08:10):
gotten very ugly with my ex husband. Again. This is
where I guess the cautionary tale part of it comes
in in that I had definitely counted my chickens before
they had hatched, and things got very ugly, and you know,
did all the things, did the hiding of the assets,
did the squirreling away money, did the I can't afford
(08:32):
to pay you this.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
Not you somebody else did?
Speaker 4 (08:35):
Yes? Yes? And did the backing out on a whole
bunch of promises. He's also I don't want to go
into too much detail, but you know, put the kids
into some not so safe situations which I'm really not
very happy about.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
Excuse me, Like, squirrel the money away from me, Fine,
do not come near my children.
Speaker 4 (08:52):
Yeah, And the thing is, it's not about squirreling the
money from me. It's about your children. Like I still
do have majority custody. And this is the thing that
people often say. He's like, how can he do that?
Doesn't he understand it's hurting the kids. And this is
the thing that people to understand about when you're dealing
with a true narcissist, that they don't care, like they
do not have capacity to care about other people. And
(09:15):
so he can't see that. He still genuinely believes he's
the victim in this situation. So yeah, so I think
that's kind of where the cautionary tale, but a bit
of it comes in, you know. I long story short,
he's ended up basically paying the minimum government child support amount.
He hit assets, so that any amount of settlement I
(09:35):
was entitled to I couldn't get. And this is where
our legal system is just and even my lawyer conceded
that she's like, yeah, it sucks because it's like we
could go after him, we could do like forensic accounting
and all that kind of stuff, but it's more time
and it's more money, and ultimately, if the money spent,
the money spent. So that's where I just think again,
(09:57):
I just I can't stress enough how much you just
need to have of your own money and your own
independence because you.
Speaker 3 (10:03):
Just don't know who you married. You just don't know,
you don't and.
Speaker 4 (10:05):
It's actually really scary. And that's been a really hard
part of this is unraveling how much of it was
me being willfully ignorant, how much of it was me
just not knowing how you know, Like, and I'll never
have the full answers to all of that, but that's
you know, we've just as women, we have to protect
ourselves because if it wasn't for my family behind me,
(10:28):
I would be an entirely different statistic. And so that's
incredibly scary, you know, like I will never let my
daughter have all joyed money with a partner, or my
son for that matter. Yeah, and I just say, yeah,
So the honest answer to that is, at this point,
I feel truly exhausted. I think probably last time I
spoke to you, I was still like really running on adrenaline.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:49):
You could tell in a good but also like self
preservation where you were like, I'm just going to get
shit done. I'm going through this and I'm growing through
this and I'm going to get it done. And like
how many any women have I heard the same story from.
There are agreements, and then there's squirreling money away, and
there's hiding assets and transferring it into other names, and
we're not talking. And I know that your situation there
(11:11):
was like more than enough finances to support both of you,
but I'm even seeing it in like lower income families,
like the emergency fund is being transferred to a mate
and saying, oh sorry, I spent it on a pool
table that never eventuated, Like it just all of this
stuff drives me up the absolute wall, because you're right,
our legal system can't do anything about it. And at
(11:33):
the end of the day, even if you owed you
that amount and then he went and spent it, and
I say, in ingest on a pool table, because that's
what I was last talking about with a client or
an ex client. He said, Oh, yeah, I spent six
grand on a pool table. No you didn't.
Speaker 2 (11:48):
Oh I bought it off a mate, So I don't
have receipt. Of course you don't.
Speaker 3 (11:52):
It's very convenient, isn't it, that the legal system doesn't
support anything like that.
Speaker 4 (11:56):
Yeah, and I've had the same experience in that, like
the number of people who once they find out, you know,
my situation or what I'm going through, the number of
people who were like, ah, yeah, I had one of those.
Ah yeah, my ex did the same thing, or my friends,
And it's just it's a really, really.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
Shitty club to be a part of. Yeah, it is.
Speaker 4 (12:16):
But at the same time, you know, it does offer
you support and it offers me, especially some hope that
you know, obviously things do get better. We did. You know,
it took we had to go back to mediation again,
this time with lawyers present, so you know, the amount
of money that this has cost is just like ridiculous.
(12:37):
But we finally got things signed and I'll be divorced
by Christmas on Marry Christmas, baby marby Christmas. I was
hoping it'd be by my birthday, but that's like this weekend,
so it's not going to be quite then.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
But then that's okay, that's all right, Like we're happy
to wait as long as it's by Christmas, and like
it will be the merriest of Christmases.
Speaker 4 (12:56):
It will, it will. Yeah, we're hoping to have Christmas
with the family here at our new house this year.
Speaker 3 (13:02):
And I just yeah, all right, let's go to a
really quick break, so guys don't go anywhere. All right,
money drives. We are back. So tell me a bit
more about these money goals. You set goal to buy
a house, goal to go on a holiday. How have
your money goals now twelve months down the track changed?
Speaker 2 (13:20):
What are they?
Speaker 4 (13:21):
Well? Given the significant change to what I've got coming
in from child support, it's made a big difference. And
that's again that's where I'm kind of trying to see
the positive in these situations. That I wouldn't have been
able to get the mortgaged for this house had it
been like what the current situation is with like my
(13:41):
income and then child support. But I did manage to
get this house, and like it means that yep, things
are a lot tighter. But we've got the house and
it's great, and you know, I'm very hopeful that for me,
my career will continue to grow. So for me at
the moment, and like I do qualify for some other
government assistance, which is good. It's not huge, but that's beneficial.
(14:02):
So at the moment, it's really just about keeping the
lights on. I'm you know, managing to get little bits
of money into my emergency fund each month. But a
lot of things are cropping up, like oh, your health insurance,
so your life insurance is due, or your car service
is nine hundred dollars or whatever. But I've got that there,
which is good.
Speaker 3 (14:22):
That's iconic, honestly, the fact that you're still managing money.
When I see lots of people and we all deal
with things in our own ways, but they go, you know,
until this tumultuousness goes away. I'm just burying my head
in the sand and I'll deal with it later. Like
that's icon behavior.
Speaker 4 (14:36):
I've done a bit of that. To be completely transparent,
I've done a bit of that because you know, I'm
also a neurospicy type.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
We're just girls, you know, We're just like we can't
be everything.
Speaker 4 (14:46):
We are everything all at once. That's the whole, that's
the ADHD, the balance, all the things, all at once
all the tabs open. Yeah, So my money goals for
now are I'm currently trying to say, because I would
like to take the kids on another holiday at some point,
probably in the next couple of years, and I think
(15:07):
my main goal at the moment is to just keep
plugging away at work and hopefully, you know, get a
promotion and a bit more money and then we can
start to kind of write the ship in terms of
putting more into my investing and stuff like that. I've
got about three and a half grand now in my shares.
Eas like I'm not contributing to that super often or
(15:28):
super large amounts, but that's okay, we'll get back.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
No, I feel like we're on the right track, so
we're saving for another holiday. I want to be really
pervy because your kids are old enough, I think to
understand kind of what's happening. Maybe not on a super
pragmatic level where you know they're late teens and can
really understand, but I want to ask because I think
so many women are worried about this, how your relationship
(15:54):
with your children has changed over the last twelve months,
and you were really worried, like how my kid's going
to deal with this.
Speaker 4 (16:00):
Yeah. Look, to be honest, you know, with the kids,
it's up and down. I think it's a form of grief,
and grief isn't linear, and you know, it's always changing
as well for them, you know, like their dad recently
moved house as well, and so that's another thing that
they have to get used to. So my relationship with them,
(16:21):
to be honest, I think has probably never been better.
I think, you know, we're so afraid and I remember,
you know, I was just so afraid that their lives
were going to be ruined and everything was going to
be broken. And it was one of my best friends
who was amazing and like I spoke to her like
every day in the midst of it all being happening whatever,
And she said to me after about two months, she's like,
(16:42):
you know what I haven't heard you say is that
your heart broken for you or that this was the
love of your life. Like all you've said is but
my family and the kids, and this isn't what it
was supposed to be. And that was a real eye
opener for me. And I think that was accurate. But
I think it has proven to me that you know,
the bond that you have with your kids. It doesn't
(17:04):
depend on whether you're in a nuclear family or not.
In fact, I think our bond is stronger than ever.
You know, they are with me most of the time,
and sometimes I say, like, oh god, I feel like
I'm just always being like cranky mom and not fun
mom because you know, I'm having to make the rules
and do all that kind of stuff. But at the
same time, you know, we have like handball tournaments in
our living room after dinner, and we have like you know,
(17:27):
dance offs, and we wrestle before bed each night because
that's just what my son needs to do to get
his energy out. And so I think, and it's actually
been really nice. I can make my own rules, like
I make them dinner, but then I just make myself
the most girl dinner of all time. And you know,
if I forget to do the walking for a week,
well I'm the only one who has to deal with that.
(17:49):
And I actually think it's brought us closer together. I
think one of the achievements I would say is like
a non financial or a non quantifiable achievement. But I
really struggled in the beginning about the guilt that I
had because they go to their dads every second weekend.
I would have guilt about feeling a bit of relief
to have some time to decomprex.
Speaker 3 (18:11):
Oh, don't feel guilty about that. No, that's your downtime.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
I know.
Speaker 4 (18:15):
But it was hard because I was like, I should
want them all the time. I shouldn't be feeling this.
I shouldn't be feeling that. And I've really worked through
that and now I actually have given myself permission to
enjoy my time that I do have when I'm not
with them, because then I do come back a better
mum for them, and I can show up in a
much better, happier way. And you know, it's like, Okay,
(18:35):
well let's make hay while the sunshine. Let's find the
silver lining in the cloud. Like, you know, I've started
going to like festivals and like boat parties and stuff again.
I'm like, oh, life is fun.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
Who are you? Yeah, life can be good.
Speaker 4 (18:49):
I know, Like I hadn't done that kind of stuff
for like ten years, and so then to have the
opportunity to do that kind of stuff again, it's like, oh,
this is super fun.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
So so yeah, I think the kids are up and down.
Speaker 4 (19:00):
My son, he's younger, he's always been much more emotional.
My daughter kind of masks a lot of her emotions.
But yeah, it's up and down. And I often think
when they come back from their dad's place, you know,
because it's the whole thing about the mum being the
emotional safe place. When they come back, there's always some
kind of emotional release. And the difficulty with that is
(19:23):
it looks different every time. Sometimes they just need heaps
of cuddle, Sometimes they're really angry, sometimes they're really emotional sometimes,
you know. And so it's about being able to read
them when they get back and make sure that I've
got everything I need done around the house and whatever,
so that I can just be fully present with them
and meet those needs. Because if it presented the same
way every time, you could prepare for it, but it
(19:45):
does it's always slightly different.
Speaker 3 (19:46):
I'm really glad you have that level of understanding, because
I think a lot of women don't have that understanding
just of how kids' brains are wired. And I think
that that is a really good thing. I understand that
when my kids come home from their dads that is
going to be some type of who knows what, emotional release.
But you can get yourself at peace before that that comes,
(20:08):
because if you don't see the way of coming, then
you're also overstimulated. And if you're telling me you have
ADHD just like me, that can tip you over the
edge and ruin an entire week.
Speaker 4 (20:17):
It just seems like you have so much insight, Yeah,
and not taking it personally as well, you know, like
when they do like sometimes they lash out because again
like their kids, and sometimes the way that they lash
out can be hurtful if you don't have that kind
of mentality of I guess understanding it. And I think,
you know, I think it's really hard for them because
(20:38):
you know their dad and I, I mean, we certainly
don't hang out. We make an effort to always be like,
you know, polite in front of the kids. And I
will never I think I said this last time, but
I will never speak badly about him in front of
my kids, because like it or not, they're half me
and half him, So any criticism of him they are
going to take on as criticism of themselves and it
(21:00):
just doesn't benefit anyone.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
But sometimes it's hard, or maybe it would be so
hard because you're like in the background, you're thinking your
dad is being a complete twit but I cannot vent.
And I think that that is honestly so strong of you,
but also for the best, because as they grow and
as they develop, kids are smart. They're going to be
able to breed between the lines. They're going to be
able to see those things. And you want to be
(21:23):
that mum.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
Where in retrospect kids look back and go far out.
Speaker 3 (21:26):
My mum was so good. My mom was so supportive.
She never spoke ill of dad. And we can almost guarantee,
because we do know that you were married to a narcissist,
that that story on the flip side is not going
to be the same. Are you finding that to be
a really challenging part of going through.
Speaker 4 (21:43):
This, to be completely honest, No, And I think part
of that is just because I have just so completely
taken on the belief that all I can control is myself.
All I can control is myself and the way that
I show up for my kids and the way that
I yeah, the way that I speak about them or
myself or their dad or anything like that. It's like
(22:03):
the let them theory, right, if he wants to say
bad things about me, let him let him, you know,
Like I can't control that. And also in the same
way that like, you know, the drunk guy stumbling out
of the bar, if he says something mean to me, well,
I don't respect his opinion. I don't respect my ex's opinion.
So if he's got something to say to me, cool, whatever.
Speaker 3 (22:24):
That's very nice. Thank you, sir for that opinion. I'm
going to put literally nowhere, so talk to me about
I remember you were completely blindsided, right, and I don't
think that you ever will have been the catalyst of
change here, even if you didn't feel entirely happy, just
from re listening to the episode and like understanding your
story enough.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
Was this for the best?
Speaker 3 (22:46):
Oh my god? Because like there are women in these
situations who, like, you know, maybe the husband hasn't pulled
the trigger, but like they go, no, this is as
good as it gets there.
Speaker 4 (22:58):
I just I don't even have words to explain how
much it was for the best. Like even like my
family and my friends have been like we didn't realize
how much you had become a shell of yourself because
it happened slowly. Right, It's the same as being with
a narcissist. It's death by a thousand carps. It's not
one insult it's not one moment. It's a slowly chipping
(23:19):
away at you and your self esteem and your self worth.
And I had become And it was only after it
ended that people were like, oh my god, she's back,
and I.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
Was like, oh my god, I'm back.
Speaker 4 (23:32):
I didn't know I was gone, but hi, I Hey,
I'm like a fully formed person with opinions and jokes.
So and now, I mean, like I said, I'm all
very woooed. I do my gratitude like meditation and stuff
like that, and I mean, it's just so wild to
think about, like a year and a half ago, how
desperately I wanted it all to go back together. Now
(23:54):
I'm like, i'd literally give gratitude to the universe for
removing me from that situation that I'd never have been
brave enough to leave myself, because I wouldn't, you know.
I think looking back, I probably knew deep down the
relationship itself wasn't great and wasn't what I needed or
what I wanted, But I was willing to stay in
that forever for the sake of my kids and the
(24:15):
sake of my family. I would never have walked away.
So in a weird way, I'm grateful that he did it.
I think the way he did it was pretty brutal,
but you know, it is what it is. And I
just as much as this has been so so so
hard and I'm still just coming out of the thick
of it, I think like, once I've finally got those
consent orders finalized and the divorce finalized and we can
(24:38):
start to move on, I feel like there'll be such
a weight off my shoulders and already, like life is,
it's just better.
Speaker 3 (24:48):
Your tone of voice has changed, Like your tone of voice,
the way obviously everyone can't see you, but the way
you're presenting, like you are smiling the whole way through this,
like there is a green on your face when you
talk about your woo woof stuff, like I'm a bit
woo weoy, and I'm.
Speaker 2 (25:01):
Like, it's not woo woo.
Speaker 3 (25:02):
I've been doing a lot of research recently on into gratitude, right,
and it is one of the only emotions that is
a learned emotion. It is not an emotion that we
are born with. We are not born grateful. We are
not born with the ability to be grateful. We have
to learn that. And I think that once you start
learning that and really deeply understand that you're teaching yourself
an emotion and you start reflecting on it, like you
(25:26):
just become so happy about the little things, like you
know that we look at people and go, oh my god,
like how is she having such a good day? And
then you ask them and they go babes because the
sun's out, like what a good day? And you just go,
how do I be more like you? The answer is gratitude.
It is you know, doing all of the woo woo stuff.
It is journaling, It is writing things down and going, wow,
(25:47):
I'm teaching myself a whole lass new emotion and coming
to that conclusion and realizing, wow, nobody is born with
this because people are born needing. People are born needing
to be looked after and wanting to be looked d after.
And it's not until you actually start to be grateful.
And that is it's in exclusively human emotion, right, Like
(26:07):
animals aren't grateful, like they don't care, Like your dog
might look grateful, but I promise you they're there for
the treat. But being able to teach yourself that over
the last twelve months would have been life changing. But
like your entire mindset has shifted, and I can just
see it on your face. I can see the glow,
and I'm just so excited for you.
Speaker 4 (26:26):
It's the choosing right You've got to Like you said,
it is the only emotion that you have to learn,
but you have to choose to learn it. And definitely
in the beginning, you have to make that active choice
every day and it's one of those things that gets easier.
But yeah, it's like it's like a muscle. You have
to keep doing it and that you know, There've been
periods where I have gotten lazy with it or whatever,
(26:50):
and I just noticed such a difference, and like it's
just such a it's such an interesting concept, and I'm
just I'm so fascinated by, like the neuroplasticity of the
brain and the ability that we have to change things. Think,
our brains are not made of concrete. They're so malleable
and we can just make these choices every day as
to how we see things and what we're grateful for. It's,
(27:11):
you know, the same thing you tell I tell my kids, like,
whether you think you can or you can't, you're probably right.
So let's just tell ourselves.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
That we can.
Speaker 3 (27:19):
My mom used to tell me that I should listen
more often. Tell me a bit more about your money
habits and how they might have changed in the last
twelve months. Like with all of this, like I guess
reintroduction of gratitude and trying to really work on yourself
and your mindset and going through everything that you're going through,
has the way you have been spending and allocating money changed.
Speaker 4 (27:40):
Yeah, definitely, And partly out of the gratitude and partly
just out of necessity. I'm much more mindful now than
you know, because there's no one else's income coming in
that's going to like create a buffer or whatever. So yeah,
I'm much more mindful. And I mean I did have
a bit of a period where things were all just
so in the air that I did get kind of
(28:02):
lazy in terms of my money behaviors and things like that.
And it was funny, like I found myself starting to
repeat some old patterns of like, oh, okay, so I'll
go and do some online shopping, like buying this new
dress or buying this new shirt. We'll fix this and like,
you know, newsflash.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
It doesn't.
Speaker 4 (28:21):
That's never the thing in fact, that makes you feel worse.
So yeah, and I think for me, it's about recognizing
those patterns of behavior and being like, no, you don't.
That's not going to fix it, you know, Like you say,
like you should put like twenty four hours between a purchase.
So it's about doing that. But then it's also about yeah,
like recognizing those patterns of behaviors and finding other things
(28:43):
to insert their instead. So you know, instead of doing that,
I'm gonna like paint my nails a different color. Maybe
that'll give me the boost that I feel like I need,
you know, like, and obviously you know, I do my
nails at home because who the hell can afford to
go out and pay for that these days.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
I was talking to the oh that did a blood
test for me about that today. She's like, your nails
look lovely. Where do you go?
Speaker 3 (29:03):
And I was like, god, friends, I am not going anywhere.
I'm not like please, don't get me wrong. If you're
a nail tech, you are worth the money, but I
cannot justify spending it on my fingers right now.
Speaker 4 (29:13):
Yeah, that's me. And so I think one of the
things that's been more difficult with the money habits is
trying to not like, not actively and not in a
way that's going to upset them. But educating the kids
a bit more about money, because when it was two
of us, and my husband earned a lot of money
and I was earning as well, we didn't really have
(29:36):
any like real barriers, and so if we said no
to the kids, it was because we made a choice
to say no. It wasn't that we couldn't afford it,
Whereas now there are times where it's like, no, I
can't afford that. But I try to be really mindful
and how I communicate that with the kids of like, oh,
we haven't put money aside in the budget for this
week or this month for that, so we're going to
(29:56):
have to think about how we do that and where
we might get that money from. And I think that's
for me is more of it is like because I
was married so young and in that relationship, there wasn't
that like, oh my god, we literally can't afford things
very often, which I know is like crazy privilege one
hundred percent. I acknowledge that, but now it's like, oh, no,
like we have to be really mindful about where our
(30:17):
money is going and things like that, and trying to
educate the kids about that, like no, you can't just
have that thing that you want that's going to be
a birthday thing or a Christmas thing, that's not just
we just get that because we get that, and I hope,
you know, that will make them grateful. Like even this morning,
they have like a fundraiser on at school. They needed
a two dollar coin.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
No one has coins, I know, I know exactly.
Speaker 4 (30:39):
So I was like, well, I have to go past
the servo because I'll have to get some change from
a note that I had.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
And then they were like, oh, well, we can just
use our own No.
Speaker 4 (30:46):
They whispered to each other what's going on where it's
going to use our own money? And I was like, no, guys,
that's fine, it's fine. And so it's like, I hope
I'm not creating this fear for them around money of like,
you know, Mum can't afford things and so therefore we've
got to pay for that. But yeah, I don't know
the right way to do it. I'm trying just not
to make it stressful, but trying to make them understand
(31:08):
that money is not infinite and we have to plan
and budget.
Speaker 5 (31:15):
You know.
Speaker 3 (31:16):
Yeah, And I think that you're approaching it in exactly
the right way, Like whenever I've had these conversations with
other women going through these circumstances, I do say, try
as much as you can to avoid language like we
can't afford it. Not because that's a bad thing, because
in certain circumstances we can't afford things, but more often
than not, when you're communicating with children, we're not talking
(31:37):
about not being able to afford the gas or electricity
this month. We're talking about wants versus needs, And usually
it's a want, And at that point we can go
back to, oh, honey, we don't have that in the budget,
or that's actually not on the grocery list this week,
like let's try and add it next week, or let's
talk about where we can pull that cash from. Because
they're crafting their own little money story as time goes
(32:01):
on and learning that oh my god, like you know,
it could be a really good thing for them to
be able to contribute to the fundraiser themselves and be like, wow,
that actually really helps mum out, not because of the finance,
but because it's a whole other task to go to
the servo and if you've got two dollars there, that's great,
we can do that and that's you know, really really
generous of you. You're a very generous person. And I
(32:24):
think that it's those stories that you share and the
narrative around that because a lot of the time now
reflecting on the career that I've had and the beautiful
people that I've got to experience throughout that career, it's
not how much money they had. It never was. It
was how they were approaching that amount of money. And
some of the most financially literate people I know grew
(32:45):
up next to poverty because like overlaid over all of that.
When your mum you just want your kids to have
everything too, How does that play into it for you?
Because like I want to give you all this stuff.
Speaker 4 (32:56):
And I think money for this generation is such an
obscure concept. They don't see much money, so they don't
really understand the value of things. And I think that's
a really difficult one as well. Like sometimes you know,
like if I'll say like saying, oh, you know, it's
not in the budget this month, you know, have to
figure that. And sometimes you know, my kids are say, Mum,
how much money do you have? And I'm like that's
(33:17):
a tricky question, Like you know, how do you answer
that to a six year old and a nine year old,
because yeah, if you told them how much money I have,
that might sound like I have a lot to them
because they're little kids. But then if you also told
them how much debt I'm in with the mortgage, that
might be tear like. So you I just don't want
to make them afraid that like I don't have enough.
(33:39):
But then you also don't like because you know, then
kids go to school and people come home and go,
my friend's dad's house costs two million dollars.
Speaker 3 (33:46):
And you're like, okay, oh my god. Yeah, and you're like, well,
your friend's dad's in six million dollars worth of debt
and is kind of a drop kick. So yeah, kids
don't get it, and I think that that's where, you know,
obviously not trying to give advice, but just like, clarifying
questions are really helpful in those circumstances because like, often
(34:07):
kids come with questions and we as adults put this
overlay of what we think they mean onto.
Speaker 2 (34:12):
That how much money do you have, mum?
Speaker 3 (34:15):
And you might go, oh my god, what an overwhelming question.
I now have to divulge my one hundred plus thousand
dollars a year salary if you just said for what
they go for food? Like and you go, ah, you
want to just talk about the grocery budget? Like do
you know what I mean?
Speaker 4 (34:29):
Like it's so true. It's like my daughter the other
day because they're doing some stuff at school, I think,
do they still watch like behind the news at school?
Speaker 5 (34:36):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (34:36):
Triggered?
Speaker 4 (34:37):
And so my daughter has been asking me about Trump
and like whether Trump is going to impact Australia And
I was like, well, anyway, and then I went into
like a whole big, like ten minute ten talk about
how how Trump may or may not impact Australian economy
and we're okay because we've got other trade partners and
we have free trade agreements now them. She was just like, Mama,
I don't understand what you're talking about.
Speaker 2 (34:58):
And I was like, yep, yeah.
Speaker 3 (34:59):
And if you've been like what do you mean, like
what do you think Trump, you know, is going to impact?
And she might go food like they could be so basic.
Speaker 4 (35:09):
Children and my labrador the same food food food.
Speaker 3 (35:12):
Yeah, one hundred percent. So tell me what's next? Like
I know I'm running out of time with you very quickly.
What's next?
Speaker 4 (35:20):
To you.
Speaker 3 (35:20):
I know you mentioned obviously another holiday, you would love
to get a promotion and move up career wise, but
are there any other goals that you're currently working towards.
Speaker 4 (35:28):
No. Right now, I'm just wanting to sit in my
gratitude for what I have achieved. I'm actually really really
looking forward to a day that I hope is in
the near future where someone says to me, what's near, babe,
and I go nothing, Everything's just ticking along. Everything's just happy,
and I'm just living life and just happy. So to
(35:48):
be honest, like, besides trying to save and take the
kids on some holidays, like, I just really feel like
I've achieved so much of what I wanted to achieve
with getting this like home for them. Yeah, to be honest,
I mean I want to get back into like investing
a bit more and stuff like that. I think, you know,
knowing that obviously I've got the super split that I
(36:11):
will be getting is great, like and that's a really
good peace of mind thing for me, but obviously that
doesn't help things day to day. Like now, that's great
for future me to know about. But yeah, to be honest,
for right now, I would just like a period of
no big, huge life changes or life goals.
Speaker 3 (36:30):
You know what, I think that's perfect. Sometimes we just
want monotony, Like I just want tomorrow to be really predictable,
And I think that's a really great place, Money Dirist,
it has been a pleasure catching up with you and
I just we still haven't gotten to cross paths in person,
but I just know that we're going to get along
so well when we do.
Speaker 2 (36:48):
But it's been a pleasure.
Speaker 4 (36:50):
We need some spicy margs.
Speaker 3 (36:51):
I think, oh, we need so many spicy marugs and
like then we can talk about all the juicy stuff
that we might not want to put on a podcast,
But Money Dirist, it's it's been an absolute pleasure. And
I'm sure hopefully we can check in in another twelve
months and be like, how's this gone.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
What's the update you're officially divorced, Like, let's have a party.
Speaker 3 (37:10):
Because content like this while juicy, so spicy, right, like
so fun sometimes to be a listener. It is a
beautiful story of coming through things that we didn't think
we could ever anticipate. It is a story of you know,
rebuilding after literally being smacked completely down and blindsided. And
I just I hope that through this content that we
(37:32):
put out in these conversations that we have in jest
about kids wanting food, you realize that you two could
do that if you're put in that situation, and you too,
can rebuild your life and it be even better. And
you're thanking the universe twelve months ago for going through
what arguably was something you did not ever, ever, ever
want to happen. So I just thank you for sharing
your journey with the community, because I just know that
(37:53):
there are going to be some of our community members
listening to this, being like I needed that so much
more than I thought I did.
Speaker 4 (38:01):
Yes, well, yeah, it definitely you can do it all.
You're stronger than you ever ever ever know, but also
have your own damn money.
Speaker 2 (38:12):
Great place to leave it.
Speaker 5 (38:19):
The advice shared on She's on the Money is general
in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances. She's
on the Money exists purely for educational purposes and should
not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision.
If you do choose to buy a financial product, read
the PDS TMD and obtain appropriate financial advice tailored towards
(38:39):
your needs. Victoria Divine and she's on the money. Are
authorized representatives of money sheper pty Ltd ABN three two
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and I'm here to acknowledge country t glennyan Ganya, Niana,
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yakarum jar Dominyama, Doma Itawakaman, damon Imlan bomber bang Gadabomba
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(00:22):
beautiful friends, we gather on the lands of the Aboriginal people.
We thank acknowledge and respect the Abiginal people's land that
we're gathering on today. Take pleasure in all the land
and respect all that you see. She's on the Money
podcast acknowledges culture, country, community and connections, bringing you the tools,
knowledge and resources for you to thrive.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
She's on the Money. She's on the Money.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
Hello and welcome to She's on the Money, the podcast
that lets you be pervy about other people's money.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Stories for educational purposes.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
Of course, today's episode is something a little bit different,
and I am so flipping excited about it because one
of our most popular money diaries of all time, the
one that had all of us yelling yes, queen in
the back.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Yeah, she's back.
Speaker 3 (01:31):
So you might remember a year ago we read a
letter and I'm going to read it out again. It
sounded exactly like this, Hello, she's on the money Queen's
I'm a thirty five year old mum of two with
a story that serves as a cautionary tale for all women.
Three months into relocating to a news date with my husband,
he blindsided me with the news that he was leaving.
I had absolutely no idea this was coming. And here's
(01:55):
the tough part. We had joint money. He earns three
times what I do, and I have spent the last
nine years out of full time work raising our children.
Now I have to pick myself back up and reassess
everything to start fresh and give my kids the life
they deserve. Now, obviously I'll link this episode in the
show notes so that you can go back and do
(02:15):
you know what you should go back. Don't get further
into this and spoil the excitement of seeing where somebody
is without having listened to the first episode. But to
give you a really quick recap, last Time Money Diarist,
you were on the show. You'd just been blindsided by
your husband. Literally a few months after moving into state,
and right after a meeting about buying a property together,
(02:36):
you told me that you didn't have any money in
your own name at that point, which was really stressful
and it made obviously everything feel even harder when he
decided to leave. Now I remember you saying that mediation
was one of the best decisions that you ever made,
and you went in prepared and then you actually walked
out with sixty percent of his souperunuation and no debts
left on the table, which was an absolute sleigh. You
(02:59):
also negotiated around I think it was four grand a
month in child support, which put you in a way
better position to borrow again and then start planning for
the future and look after your children and get back
on track. And you'd just gone back to work as
a communications manager on a one hundred and three thousand
dollars a year paycheck, which was honestly incredible because obviously,
(03:19):
hearing your story, you were like, I'm so stressed, I've
been out of work, Like am I going to be
able to get an income? And you were really focused
on rebuilding your confidence in your career, which obviously every
single person in the she's on the money community was
absolutely behind you. In that episode, you gave yourself a
D minus for your money habits. Back then you said
I'm a D minus, but by the end of the
(03:41):
chat you'd actually said, do you know what? You know?
Speaker 4 (03:43):
What? V?
Speaker 3 (03:44):
I reckon? I'm a V plus And honestly, it felt
like the perfect symbol of just how far you'd come
and what you'd achieved. But now you're back, So welcome
to the show, my friend, and thanks for reaching out
and saying, hey, guys, I've got a little juicy update.
Speaker 4 (04:01):
I mean, it's so interesting listening to all that and remembering,
I guess where I was like this time of year ago. Yeah,
I was feeling. I mean, there's a few things that
have all happened, some good, some not so good, to
catch everyone up on. There's still some definitely some cautionary
tale elements to my story. But the biggest, most exciting
thing is that I remember when I was speaking to you,
(04:24):
and my two biggest goals were to take my kids
on holiday and to my house. And I mean, I
literally have goosebums when I say this, but I have
achieved both of those things.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
Get in a bin, are you?
Speaker 4 (04:36):
Bon I did both so it. We had an amazing
family holiday. I mean, I'm literally sitting in my daughter's
room right now. It's best for acoustics.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
You know, I have goose bums. I don't know if
you can see them. I'm so excited for you.
Speaker 4 (04:51):
And we had just the best holiday ever of my
whole life, and the kids loved it. And then yeah,
a little while after that, so, like I said, I
think in the last one, my parents have been amazing,
and they you know, all through their own very very
clever approach to money over the years, Like you know,
they keep saying, Oh, we're just in a fortunate position
(05:12):
where we can help you on There's nothing fortunate about it.
You guys made really really smart financial decisions, and I
just could not be more grateful. So they contributed like
my deposit and then some which meant that I was
able to buy a house. And we've been here now
since I think we moved in May, and we just
love it. Like it's just we're so happy here, the
(05:33):
stability that we've got. I mean, I'm literally looking out
into my backyard right now and I can see the
kids trampoline and the basketball hoop and you know, and
it's like you know, their primary school is a block
and a half away, so most days we take the
dog and we walk to school. And then their high
school is a couple of blocks from here too, and
they've got all these friends in the neighborhood and so
it's just all the things. It's all the things. You know,
(05:55):
It's little and it's not perfect, but it's ours and
we just we love it. So that has been fantastic.
Speaker 3 (06:02):
Oh, I'm so so excited for you. If we go
back to the day that we were recording, I feel
like you were so switched on. I was like, if
this had happened to me or you know, sadly, I've
seen lots of women in our community go through this.
You just had an air of positivity about you that
I was like, I don't know if I could muster that, Like,
I just don't know if I would be as optimistic
(06:23):
about the future. I'm not saying that you should be
down about this, but it's very easy to waller in
your own circumstances and be like, oh, whoa is me?
And you were not like that at all. How are
you feeling now? Obviously like you've achieved these big money
goals that you'd set and said you wanted to achieve,
and I don't think you thought they were going to happen.
Within the first twelve months. You were like, you know,
but there are things I'm going to do for my kids.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
Did you listen to the episode?
Speaker 4 (06:47):
Like was that I did?
Speaker 3 (06:49):
Women familiar to you? How do you feel about it now?
Speaker 4 (06:52):
I mean, I have lots of feelings about it, to
be honest, I think you would be able to show
up in that way because I think as mothers really
don't realize how strong we are until we have to
be for our kids. And I think, as I you know,
it's like people say like, oh my god, I could
never have twins, Well like, of course you could, Like
of course you could, because you'd have to figure out
a way, like and you're a mum, and so you do.
(07:12):
And that was very much my approach is like I
have to show.
Speaker 3 (07:15):
Up for my kids, and I have to. There's actually
no choice here. I wasn't like, oh, would you like
to do this and you're like, oh, no, thank you, no.
Speaker 4 (07:22):
Thank you. I choose misery. I just didn't have that.
And I mean, you know, I've gotten very like woo
woo over the last year and a bit. I do
my gratitude like meditating and manifesting every day. I really
believe in it. I just really believe a positive mindset
is such an important thing to have. I actually listened
(07:42):
to you had an episode with Georgia from.
Speaker 3 (07:47):
Oh Georgie Stevenson from Rise and Conker.
Speaker 4 (07:49):
Yes, I listened to that, and that, you know, I
was already doing a lot of it already then, but
then I've also then since gotten into all of her
stuff as well, which is great. So on the one hand, yeah,
I look at it and I'm like, yeah, I'm proud
that I was able to do that, and for the
most part, I am still the same. But also it's
been a really, really tough year since then. Things have
(08:10):
gotten very ugly with my ex husband. Again. This is
where I guess the cautionary tale part of it comes
in in that I had definitely counted my chickens before
they had hatched, and things got very ugly, and you know,
did all the things, did the hiding of the assets,
did the squirreling away money, did the I can't afford
(08:32):
to pay you this.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
Not you somebody else did?
Speaker 4 (08:35):
Yes? Yes? And did the backing out on a whole
bunch of promises. He's also I don't want to go
into too much detail, but you know, put the kids
into some not so safe situations which I'm really not
very happy about.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
Excuse me, Like, squirrel the money away from me, Fine,
do not come near my children.
Speaker 4 (08:52):
Yeah, And the thing is, it's not about squirreling the
money from me. It's about your children. Like I still
do have majority custody. And this is the thing that
people often say. He's like, how can he do that?
Doesn't he understand it's hurting the kids. And this is
the thing that people to understand about when you're dealing
with a true narcissist, that they don't care, like they
do not have capacity to care about other people. And
(09:15):
so he can't see that. He still genuinely believes he's
the victim in this situation. So yeah, so I think
that's kind of where the cautionary tale, but a bit
of it comes in, you know. I long story short,
he's ended up basically paying the minimum government child support amount.
He hit assets, so that any amount of settlement I
(09:35):
was entitled to I couldn't get. And this is where
our legal system is just and even my lawyer conceded
that she's like, yeah, it sucks because it's like we
could go after him, we could do like forensic accounting
and all that kind of stuff, but it's more time
and it's more money, and ultimately, if the money spent,
the money spent. So that's where I just think again,
(09:57):
I just I can't stress enough how much you just
need to have of your own money and your own
independence because you.
Speaker 3 (10:03):
Just don't know who you married. You just don't know,
you don't and.
Speaker 4 (10:05):
It's actually really scary. And that's been a really hard
part of this is unraveling how much of it was
me being willfully ignorant, how much of it was me
just not knowing how you know, Like, and I'll never
have the full answers to all of that, but that's
you know, we've just as women, we have to protect
ourselves because if it wasn't for my family behind me,
(10:28):
I would be an entirely different statistic. And so that's
incredibly scary, you know, like I will never let my
daughter have all joyed money with a partner, or my
son for that matter. Yeah, and I just say, yeah,
So the honest answer to that is, at this point,
I feel truly exhausted. I think probably last time I
spoke to you, I was still like really running on adrenaline.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:49):
You could tell in a good but also like self
preservation where you were like, I'm just going to get
shit done. I'm going through this and I'm growing through
this and I'm going to get it done. And like
how many any women have I heard the same story from.
There are agreements, and then there's squirreling money away, and
there's hiding assets and transferring it into other names, and
we're not talking. And I know that your situation there
(11:11):
was like more than enough finances to support both of you,
but I'm even seeing it in like lower income families,
like the emergency fund is being transferred to a mate
and saying, oh sorry, I spent it on a pool
table that never eventuated, Like it just all of this
stuff drives me up the absolute wall, because you're right,
our legal system can't do anything about it. And at
(11:33):
the end of the day, even if you owed you
that amount and then he went and spent it, and
I say, in ingest on a pool table, because that's
what I was last talking about with a client or
an ex client. He said, Oh, yeah, I spent six
grand on a pool table. No you didn't.
Speaker 2 (11:48):
Oh I bought it off a mate, So I don't
have receipt. Of course you don't.
Speaker 3 (11:52):
It's very convenient, isn't it, that the legal system doesn't
support anything like that.
Speaker 4 (11:56):
Yeah, and I've had the same experience in that, like
the number of people who once they find out, you know,
my situation or what I'm going through, the number of
people who were like, ah, yeah, I had one of those.
Ah yeah, my ex did the same thing, or my friends,
And it's just it's a really, really.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
Shitty club to be a part of. Yeah, it is.
Speaker 4 (12:16):
But at the same time, you know, it does offer
you support and it offers me, especially some hope that
you know, obviously things do get better. We did. You know,
it took we had to go back to mediation again,
this time with lawyers present, so you know, the amount
of money that this has cost is just like ridiculous.
(12:37):
But we finally got things signed and I'll be divorced
by Christmas on Marry Christmas, baby marby Christmas. I was
hoping it'd be by my birthday, but that's like this weekend,
so it's not going to be quite then.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
But then that's okay, that's all right, Like we're happy
to wait as long as it's by Christmas, and like
it will be the merriest of Christmases.
Speaker 4 (12:56):
It will, it will. Yeah, we're hoping to have Christmas
with the family here at our new house this year.
Speaker 3 (13:02):
And I just yeah, all right, let's go to a
really quick break, so guys don't go anywhere. All right,
money drives. We are back. So tell me a bit
more about these money goals. You set goal to buy
a house, goal to go on a holiday. How have
your money goals now twelve months down the track changed?
Speaker 2 (13:20):
What are they?
Speaker 4 (13:21):
Well? Given the significant change to what I've got coming
in from child support, it's made a big difference. And
that's again that's where I'm kind of trying to see
the positive in these situations. That I wouldn't have been
able to get the mortgaged for this house had it
been like what the current situation is with like my
(13:41):
income and then child support. But I did manage to
get this house, and like it means that yep, things
are a lot tighter. But we've got the house and
it's great, and you know, I'm very hopeful that for me,
my career will continue to grow. So for me at
the moment, and like I do qualify for some other
government assistance, which is good. It's not huge, but that's beneficial.
(14:02):
So at the moment, it's really just about keeping the
lights on. I'm you know, managing to get little bits
of money into my emergency fund each month. But a
lot of things are cropping up, like oh, your health insurance,
so your life insurance is due, or your car service
is nine hundred dollars or whatever. But I've got that there,
which is good.
Speaker 3 (14:22):
That's iconic, honestly, the fact that you're still managing money.
When I see lots of people and we all deal
with things in our own ways, but they go, you know,
until this tumultuousness goes away. I'm just burying my head
in the sand and I'll deal with it later. Like
that's icon behavior.
Speaker 4 (14:36):
I've done a bit of that. To be completely transparent,
I've done a bit of that because you know, I'm
also a neurospicy type.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
We're just girls, you know, We're just like we can't
be everything.
Speaker 4 (14:46):
We are everything all at once. That's the whole, that's
the ADHD, the balance, all the things, all at once
all the tabs open. Yeah, So my money goals for
now are I'm currently trying to say, because I would
like to take the kids on another holiday at some point,
probably in the next couple of years, and I think
(15:07):
my main goal at the moment is to just keep
plugging away at work and hopefully, you know, get a
promotion and a bit more money and then we can
start to kind of write the ship in terms of
putting more into my investing and stuff like that. I've
got about three and a half grand now in my shares.
Eas like I'm not contributing to that super often or
(15:28):
super large amounts, but that's okay, we'll get back.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
No, I feel like we're on the right track, so
we're saving for another holiday. I want to be really
pervy because your kids are old enough, I think to
understand kind of what's happening. Maybe not on a super
pragmatic level where you know they're late teens and can
really understand, but I want to ask because I think
so many women are worried about this, how your relationship
(15:54):
with your children has changed over the last twelve months,
and you were really worried, like how my kid's going
to deal with this.
Speaker 4 (16:00):
Yeah. Look, to be honest, you know, with the kids,
it's up and down. I think it's a form of grief,
and grief isn't linear, and you know, it's always changing
as well for them, you know, like their dad recently
moved house as well, and so that's another thing that
they have to get used to. So my relationship with them,
(16:21):
to be honest, I think has probably never been better.
I think, you know, we're so afraid and I remember,
you know, I was just so afraid that their lives
were going to be ruined and everything was going to
be broken. And it was one of my best friends
who was amazing and like I spoke to her like
every day in the midst of it all being happening whatever,
And she said to me after about two months, she's like,
(16:42):
you know what I haven't heard you say is that
your heart broken for you or that this was the
love of your life. Like all you've said is but
my family and the kids, and this isn't what it
was supposed to be. And that was a real eye
opener for me. And I think that was accurate. But
I think it has proven to me that you know,
the bond that you have with your kids. It doesn't
(17:04):
depend on whether you're in a nuclear family or not.
In fact, I think our bond is stronger than ever.
You know, they are with me most of the time,
and sometimes I say, like, oh god, I feel like
I'm just always being like cranky mom and not fun
mom because you know, I'm having to make the rules
and do all that kind of stuff. But at the
same time, you know, we have like handball tournaments in
our living room after dinner, and we have like you know,
(17:27):
dance offs, and we wrestle before bed each night because
that's just what my son needs to do to get
his energy out. And so I think, and it's actually
been really nice. I can make my own rules, like
I make them dinner, but then I just make myself
the most girl dinner of all time. And you know,
if I forget to do the walking for a week,
well I'm the only one who has to deal with that.
(17:49):
And I actually think it's brought us closer together. I
think one of the achievements I would say is like
a non financial or a non quantifiable achievement. But I
really struggled in the beginning about the guilt that I
had because they go to their dads every second weekend.
I would have guilt about feeling a bit of relief
to have some time to decomprex.
Speaker 3 (18:11):
Oh, don't feel guilty about that. No, that's your downtime.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
I know.
Speaker 4 (18:15):
But it was hard because I was like, I should
want them all the time. I shouldn't be feeling this.
I shouldn't be feeling that. And I've really worked through
that and now I actually have given myself permission to
enjoy my time that I do have when I'm not
with them, because then I do come back a better
mum for them, and I can show up in a
much better, happier way. And you know, it's like, Okay,
(18:35):
well let's make hay while the sunshine. Let's find the
silver lining in the cloud. Like, you know, I've started
going to like festivals and like boat parties and stuff again.
I'm like, oh, life is fun.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
Who are you? Yeah, life can be good.
Speaker 4 (18:49):
I know, Like I hadn't done that kind of stuff
for like ten years, and so then to have the
opportunity to do that kind of stuff again, it's like, oh,
this is super fun.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
So so yeah, I think the kids are up and down.
Speaker 4 (19:00):
My son, he's younger, he's always been much more emotional.
My daughter kind of masks a lot of her emotions.
But yeah, it's up and down. And I often think
when they come back from their dad's place, you know,
because it's the whole thing about the mum being the
emotional safe place. When they come back, there's always some
kind of emotional release. And the difficulty with that is
(19:23):
it looks different every time. Sometimes they just need heaps
of cuddle, Sometimes they're really angry, sometimes they're really emotional sometimes,
you know. And so it's about being able to read
them when they get back and make sure that I've
got everything I need done around the house and whatever,
so that I can just be fully present with them
and meet those needs. Because if it presented the same
way every time, you could prepare for it, but it
(19:45):
does it's always slightly different.
Speaker 3 (19:46):
I'm really glad you have that level of understanding, because
I think a lot of women don't have that understanding
just of how kids' brains are wired. And I think
that that is a really good thing. I understand that
when my kids come home from their dads that is
going to be some type of who knows what, emotional release.
But you can get yourself at peace before that that comes,
(20:08):
because if you don't see the way of coming, then
you're also overstimulated. And if you're telling me you have
ADHD just like me, that can tip you over the
edge and ruin an entire week.
Speaker 4 (20:17):
It just seems like you have so much insight, Yeah,
and not taking it personally as well, you know, like
when they do like sometimes they lash out because again
like their kids, and sometimes the way that they lash
out can be hurtful if you don't have that kind
of mentality of I guess understanding it. And I think,
you know, I think it's really hard for them because
(20:38):
you know their dad and I, I mean, we certainly
don't hang out. We make an effort to always be like,
you know, polite in front of the kids. And I
will never I think I said this last time, but
I will never speak badly about him in front of
my kids, because like it or not, they're half me
and half him, So any criticism of him they are
going to take on as criticism of themselves and it
(21:00):
just doesn't benefit anyone.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
But sometimes it's hard, or maybe it would be so
hard because you're like in the background, you're thinking your
dad is being a complete twit but I cannot vent.
And I think that that is honestly so strong of you,
but also for the best, because as they grow and
as they develop, kids are smart. They're going to be
able to breed between the lines. They're going to be
able to see those things. And you want to be
(21:23):
that mum.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
Where in retrospect kids look back and go far out.
Speaker 3 (21:26):
My mum was so good. My mom was so supportive.
She never spoke ill of dad. And we can almost guarantee,
because we do know that you were married to a narcissist,
that that story on the flip side is not going
to be the same. Are you finding that to be
a really challenging part of going through.
Speaker 4 (21:43):
This, to be completely honest, No, And I think part
of that is just because I have just so completely
taken on the belief that all I can control is myself.
All I can control is myself and the way that
I show up for my kids and the way that
I yeah, the way that I speak about them or
myself or their dad or anything like that. It's like
(22:03):
the let them theory, right, if he wants to say
bad things about me, let him let him, you know,
Like I can't control that. And also in the same
way that like, you know, the drunk guy stumbling out
of the bar, if he says something mean to me, well,
I don't respect his opinion. I don't respect my ex's opinion.
So if he's got something to say to me, cool, whatever.
Speaker 3 (22:24):
That's very nice. Thank you, sir for that opinion. I'm
going to put literally nowhere, so talk to me about
I remember you were completely blindsided, right, and I don't
think that you ever will have been the catalyst of
change here, even if you didn't feel entirely happy, just
from re listening to the episode and like understanding your
story enough.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
Was this for the best?
Speaker 3 (22:46):
Oh my god? Because like there are women in these
situations who, like, you know, maybe the husband hasn't pulled
the trigger, but like they go, no, this is as
good as it gets there.
Speaker 4 (22:58):
I just I don't even have words to explain how
much it was for the best. Like even like my
family and my friends have been like we didn't realize
how much you had become a shell of yourself because
it happened slowly. Right, It's the same as being with
a narcissist. It's death by a thousand carps. It's not
one insult it's not one moment. It's a slowly chipping
(23:19):
away at you and your self esteem and your self worth.
And I had become And it was only after it
ended that people were like, oh my god, she's back,
and I.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
Was like, oh my god, I'm back.
Speaker 4 (23:32):
I didn't know I was gone, but hi, I Hey,
I'm like a fully formed person with opinions and jokes.
So and now, I mean, like I said, I'm all
very woooed. I do my gratitude like meditation and stuff
like that, and I mean, it's just so wild to
think about, like a year and a half ago, how
desperately I wanted it all to go back together. Now
(23:54):
I'm like, i'd literally give gratitude to the universe for
removing me from that situation that I'd never have been
brave enough to leave myself, because I wouldn't, you know.
I think looking back, I probably knew deep down the
relationship itself wasn't great and wasn't what I needed or
what I wanted, But I was willing to stay in
that forever for the sake of my kids and the
(24:15):
sake of my family. I would never have walked away.
So in a weird way, I'm grateful that he did it.
I think the way he did it was pretty brutal,
but you know, it is what it is. And I
just as much as this has been so so so
hard and I'm still just coming out of the thick
of it, I think like, once I've finally got those
consent orders finalized and the divorce finalized and we can
(24:38):
start to move on, I feel like there'll be such
a weight off my shoulders and already, like life is,
it's just better.
Speaker 3 (24:48):
Your tone of voice has changed, Like your tone of voice,
the way obviously everyone can't see you, but the way
you're presenting, like you are smiling the whole way through this,
like there is a green on your face when you
talk about your woo woof stuff, like I'm a bit
woo weoy, and I'm.
Speaker 2 (25:01):
Like, it's not woo woo.
Speaker 3 (25:02):
I've been doing a lot of research recently on into gratitude, right,
and it is one of the only emotions that is
a learned emotion. It is not an emotion that we
are born with. We are not born grateful. We are
not born with the ability to be grateful. We have
to learn that. And I think that once you start
learning that and really deeply understand that you're teaching yourself
an emotion and you start reflecting on it, like you
(25:26):
just become so happy about the little things, like you
know that we look at people and go, oh my god,
like how is she having such a good day? And
then you ask them and they go babes because the
sun's out, like what a good day? And you just go,
how do I be more like you? The answer is gratitude.
It is you know, doing all of the woo woo stuff.
It is journaling, It is writing things down and going, wow,
(25:47):
I'm teaching myself a whole lass new emotion and coming
to that conclusion and realizing, wow, nobody is born with
this because people are born needing. People are born needing
to be looked after and wanting to be looked d after.
And it's not until you actually start to be grateful.
And that is it's in exclusively human emotion, right, Like
(26:07):
animals aren't grateful, like they don't care, Like your dog
might look grateful, but I promise you they're there for
the treat. But being able to teach yourself that over
the last twelve months would have been life changing. But
like your entire mindset has shifted, and I can just
see it on your face. I can see the glow,
and I'm just so excited for you.
Speaker 4 (26:26):
It's the choosing right You've got to Like you said,
it is the only emotion that you have to learn,
but you have to choose to learn it. And definitely
in the beginning, you have to make that active choice
every day and it's one of those things that gets easier.
But yeah, it's like it's like a muscle. You have
to keep doing it and that you know, There've been
periods where I have gotten lazy with it or whatever,
(26:50):
and I just noticed such a difference, and like it's
just such a it's such an interesting concept, and I'm
just I'm so fascinated by, like the neuroplasticity of the
brain and the ability that we have to change things. Think,
our brains are not made of concrete. They're so malleable
and we can just make these choices every day as
to how we see things and what we're grateful for. It's,
(27:11):
you know, the same thing you tell I tell my kids, like,
whether you think you can or you can't, you're probably right.
So let's just tell ourselves.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
That we can.
Speaker 3 (27:19):
My mom used to tell me that I should listen
more often. Tell me a bit more about your money
habits and how they might have changed in the last
twelve months. Like with all of this, like I guess
reintroduction of gratitude and trying to really work on yourself
and your mindset and going through everything that you're going through,
has the way you have been spending and allocating money changed.
Speaker 4 (27:40):
Yeah, definitely, And partly out of the gratitude and partly
just out of necessity. I'm much more mindful now than
you know, because there's no one else's income coming in
that's going to like create a buffer or whatever. So yeah,
I'm much more mindful. And I mean I did have
a bit of a period where things were all just
so in the air that I did get kind of
(28:02):
lazy in terms of my money behaviors and things like that.
And it was funny, like I found myself starting to
repeat some old patterns of like, oh, okay, so I'll
go and do some online shopping, like buying this new
dress or buying this new shirt. We'll fix this and like,
you know, newsflash.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
It doesn't.
Speaker 4 (28:21):
That's never the thing in fact, that makes you feel worse.
So yeah, and I think for me, it's about recognizing
those patterns of behavior and being like, no, you don't.
That's not going to fix it, you know, Like you say,
like you should put like twenty four hours between a purchase.
So it's about doing that. But then it's also about yeah,
like recognizing those patterns of behaviors and finding other things
(28:43):
to insert their instead. So you know, instead of doing that,
I'm gonna like paint my nails a different color. Maybe
that'll give me the boost that I feel like I need,
you know, like, and obviously you know, I do my
nails at home because who the hell can afford to
go out and pay for that these days.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
I was talking to the oh that did a blood
test for me about that today. She's like, your nails
look lovely. Where do you go?
Speaker 3 (29:03):
And I was like, god, friends, I am not going anywhere.
I'm not like please, don't get me wrong. If you're
a nail tech, you are worth the money, but I
cannot justify spending it on my fingers right now.
Speaker 4 (29:13):
Yeah, that's me. And so I think one of the
things that's been more difficult with the money habits is
trying to not like, not actively and not in a
way that's going to upset them. But educating the kids
a bit more about money, because when it was two
of us, and my husband earned a lot of money
and I was earning as well, we didn't really have
(29:36):
any like real barriers, and so if we said no
to the kids, it was because we made a choice
to say no. It wasn't that we couldn't afford it,
Whereas now there are times where it's like, no, I
can't afford that. But I try to be really mindful
and how I communicate that with the kids of like, oh,
we haven't put money aside in the budget for this
week or this month for that, so we're going to
(29:56):
have to think about how we do that and where
we might get that money from. And I think that's
for me is more of it is like because I
was married so young and in that relationship, there wasn't
that like, oh my god, we literally can't afford things
very often, which I know is like crazy privilege one
hundred percent. I acknowledge that, but now it's like, oh, no,
like we have to be really mindful about where our
(30:17):
money is going and things like that, and trying to
educate the kids about that, like no, you can't just
have that thing that you want that's going to be
a birthday thing or a Christmas thing, that's not just
we just get that because we get that, and I hope,
you know, that will make them grateful. Like even this morning,
they have like a fundraiser on at school. They needed
a two dollar coin.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
No one has coins, I know, I know exactly.
Speaker 4 (30:39):
So I was like, well, I have to go past
the servo because I'll have to get some change from
a note that I had.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
And then they were like, oh, well, we can just
use our own No.
Speaker 4 (30:46):
They whispered to each other what's going on where it's
going to use our own money? And I was like, no, guys,
that's fine, it's fine. And so it's like, I hope
I'm not creating this fear for them around money of like,
you know, Mum can't afford things and so therefore we've
got to pay for that. But yeah, I don't know
the right way to do it. I'm trying just not
to make it stressful, but trying to make them understand
(31:08):
that money is not infinite and we have to plan
and budget.
Speaker 5 (31:15):
You know.
Speaker 3 (31:16):
Yeah, And I think that you're approaching it in exactly
the right way, Like whenever I've had these conversations with
other women going through these circumstances, I do say, try
as much as you can to avoid language like we
can't afford it. Not because that's a bad thing, because
in certain circumstances we can't afford things, but more often
than not, when you're communicating with children, we're not talking
(31:37):
about not being able to afford the gas or electricity
this month. We're talking about wants versus needs, And usually
it's a want, And at that point we can go
back to, oh, honey, we don't have that in the budget,
or that's actually not on the grocery list this week,
like let's try and add it next week, or let's
talk about where we can pull that cash from. Because
they're crafting their own little money story as time goes
(32:01):
on and learning that oh my god, like you know,
it could be a really good thing for them to
be able to contribute to the fundraiser themselves and be like, wow,
that actually really helps mum out, not because of the finance,
but because it's a whole other task to go to
the servo and if you've got two dollars there, that's great,
we can do that and that's you know, really really
generous of you. You're a very generous person. And I
(32:24):
think that it's those stories that you share and the
narrative around that because a lot of the time now
reflecting on the career that I've had and the beautiful
people that I've got to experience throughout that career, it's
not how much money they had. It never was. It
was how they were approaching that amount of money. And
some of the most financially literate people I know grew
(32:45):
up next to poverty because like overlaid over all of that.
When your mum you just want your kids to have
everything too, How does that play into it for you?
Because like I want to give you all this stuff.
Speaker 4 (32:56):
And I think money for this generation is such an
obscure concept. They don't see much money, so they don't
really understand the value of things. And I think that's
a really difficult one as well. Like sometimes you know,
like if I'll say like saying, oh, you know, it's
not in the budget this month, you know, have to
figure that. And sometimes you know, my kids are say, Mum,
how much money do you have? And I'm like that's
(33:17):
a tricky question, Like you know, how do you answer
that to a six year old and a nine year old,
because yeah, if you told them how much money I have,
that might sound like I have a lot to them
because they're little kids. But then if you also told
them how much debt I'm in with the mortgage, that
might be tear like. So you I just don't want
to make them afraid that like I don't have enough.
(33:39):
But then you also don't like because you know, then
kids go to school and people come home and go,
my friend's dad's house costs two million dollars.
Speaker 3 (33:46):
And you're like, okay, oh my god. Yeah, and you're like, well,
your friend's dad's in six million dollars worth of debt
and is kind of a drop kick. So yeah, kids
don't get it, and I think that that's where, you know,
obviously not trying to give advice, but just like, clarifying
questions are really helpful in those circumstances because like, often
(34:07):
kids come with questions and we as adults put this
overlay of what we think they mean onto.
Speaker 2 (34:12):
That how much money do you have, mum?
Speaker 3 (34:15):
And you might go, oh my god, what an overwhelming question.
I now have to divulge my one hundred plus thousand
dollars a year salary if you just said for what
they go for food? Like and you go, ah, you
want to just talk about the grocery budget? Like do
you know what I mean?
Speaker 4 (34:29):
Like it's so true. It's like my daughter the other
day because they're doing some stuff at school, I think,
do they still watch like behind the news at school?
Speaker 5 (34:36):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (34:36):
Triggered?
Speaker 4 (34:37):
And so my daughter has been asking me about Trump
and like whether Trump is going to impact Australia And
I was like, well, anyway, and then I went into
like a whole big, like ten minute ten talk about
how how Trump may or may not impact Australian economy
and we're okay because we've got other trade partners and
we have free trade agreements now them. She was just like, Mama,
I don't understand what you're talking about.
Speaker 2 (34:58):
And I was like, yep, yeah.
Speaker 3 (34:59):
And if you've been like what do you mean, like
what do you think Trump, you know, is going to impact?
And she might go food like they could be so basic.
Speaker 4 (35:09):
Children and my labrador the same food food food.
Speaker 3 (35:12):
Yeah, one hundred percent. So tell me what's next? Like
I know I'm running out of time with you very quickly.
What's next?
Speaker 4 (35:20):
To you.
Speaker 3 (35:20):
I know you mentioned obviously another holiday, you would love
to get a promotion and move up career wise, but
are there any other goals that you're currently working towards.
Speaker 4 (35:28):
No. Right now, I'm just wanting to sit in my
gratitude for what I have achieved. I'm actually really really
looking forward to a day that I hope is in
the near future where someone says to me, what's near, babe,
and I go nothing, Everything's just ticking along. Everything's just happy,
and I'm just living life and just happy. So to
(35:48):
be honest, like, besides trying to save and take the
kids on some holidays, like, I just really feel like
I've achieved so much of what I wanted to achieve
with getting this like home for them. Yeah, to be honest,
I mean I want to get back into like investing
a bit more and stuff like that. I think, you know,
knowing that obviously I've got the super split that I
(36:11):
will be getting is great, like and that's a really
good peace of mind thing for me, but obviously that
doesn't help things day to day. Like now, that's great
for future me to know about. But yeah, to be honest,
for right now, I would just like a period of
no big, huge life changes or life goals.
Speaker 3 (36:30):
You know what, I think that's perfect. Sometimes we just
want monotony, Like I just want tomorrow to be really predictable,
And I think that's a really great place, Money Dirist,
it has been a pleasure catching up with you and
I just we still haven't gotten to cross paths in person,
but I just know that we're going to get along
so well when we do.
Speaker 2 (36:48):
But it's been a pleasure.
Speaker 4 (36:50):
We need some spicy margs.
Speaker 3 (36:51):
I think, oh, we need so many spicy marugs and
like then we can talk about all the juicy stuff
that we might not want to put on a podcast,
But Money Dirist, it's it's been an absolute pleasure. And
I'm sure hopefully we can check in in another twelve
months and be like, how's this gone.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
What's the update you're officially divorced, Like, let's have a party.
Speaker 3 (37:10):
Because content like this while juicy, so spicy, right, like
so fun sometimes to be a listener. It is a
beautiful story of coming through things that we didn't think
we could ever anticipate. It is a story of you know,
rebuilding after literally being smacked completely down and blindsided. And
I just I hope that through this content that we
(37:32):
put out in these conversations that we have in jest
about kids wanting food, you realize that you two could
do that if you're put in that situation, and you too,
can rebuild your life and it be even better. And
you're thanking the universe twelve months ago for going through
what arguably was something you did not ever, ever, ever
want to happen. So I just thank you for sharing
your journey with the community, because I just know that
(37:53):
there are going to be some of our community members
listening to this, being like I needed that so much
more than I thought I did.
Speaker 4 (38:01):
Yes, well, yeah, it definitely you can do it all.
You're stronger than you ever ever ever know, but also
have your own damn money.
Speaker 2 (38:12):
Great place to leave it.
Speaker 5 (38:19):
The advice shared on She's on the Money is general
in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances. She's
on the Money exists purely for educational purposes and should
not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision.
If you do choose to buy a financial product, read
the PDS TMD and obtain appropriate financial advice tailored towards
(38:39):
your needs. Victoria Divine and she's on the money. Are
authorized representatives of money sheper pty Ltd ABN three two
one is six four nine two seven seven zero eight
AFSL four five one two eight nine
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