June 24, 2024 • 56 mins
Our favourite sex coach is BACK!!Â
This episode is going to BLOW YOUR MINDÂ
Today is part 2 of our episodes with Eleanor Hadley
G and her sit down to chat:
- How we can navigate feelings of guilt and shame when it comes to our sexual desires
- How we can release our slut archetype after shaming her for so long
- How traditional gender roles impact our view of sexualityÂ
And so much more.Â
If you have ever been curious about all the conditioning placed upon us and how that then affects you in the bedroom, when it comes to sexuality and how we can unpack that then you will absolutely love this episode.
You can find Eleanor here.Â
You can use code RISE at checkout to get 20% off Eleanor's Tongue Tactics Courses (or bundle) here.Â
You can shop the our EOFY sale here.Â
You can shop Naked Harvest Supplements EOFY sale here.Â
You can find out more about RISE the app here.Â
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I would like to acknowledge the traditional owners of the
land on which this episode is being recorded, the Komboom
Marry people. We pay our respects to elders past, present
and emerging and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and
Torres Strait Islander peoples. Today I'm your host, Georgie Stevenson,
(00:22):
and this is the Rise and Concer podcast. This is
the podcast where weich have mindset self development and becoming
your higher self mix soon with a lot of laughs,
plus behind the scenes of my life running two businesses
and being among Think of us as the perfect combo
(00:43):
of brunch with your besties mixed with self development. No
matter where you are in your journey, We're here to
help you be curious, pull yourself out, and embrace radical
self awareness. If you're ready to get into the driver's
seat of your own life and stop letting life pass
you by, then you're in the right place. Hello and
(01:12):
welcome back to the podcast. Today's episode is Part two
with the amazing Eleanor Hadley. For those who don't know
who she is, she is a qualified sex and relationship
coach and we actually have a part one with her
that we did a few weeks ago, So if you
haven't listened to that, I highly recommend you do. We'll
put a link in the show notes otherwise, if you
(01:34):
just scroll back, I think it's about three episodes ago.
And so in this episode, we're going a little bit
deeper and really unpacking how to navigate feelings of guilt
and shame when it comes to our sexual desires, how
we can release our slut archetype after shaming her for
so long. Plus we go into so much more, and
(01:56):
Eleanor is just so amazing at explos these concepts, making
you feel really safe, and it just gets you thinking
about stuff that honestly no one talks about. So I
hope you love this episode. Before we get into the show, though,
I do want to say a bit of a special announcement.
We have decided to extend our eoffie sale. This is
(02:19):
sheerly because I want to throw a cake at Cooper Space.
And if you saw in Socials, that's what he did
to me for the real that announced our eoffie. So
I pitched to Georgina, can I throw cake at Cooper
Space and let's extend it for a couple of days. So, honestly,
I love that you get to do that. It's so selfish,
(02:40):
but I'm like, this is this would make my absolute Monday.
So we're on a whim extending it. There is fifty
percent off courses, twenty five percent of products, and we
hardly ever do sales, so get in while you can
also n H Naked Harvis Supplements has just started. It's
eoffie and it's twenty five percent off site wide. Or
(03:02):
you do need as a code and that is on
the website if you want to check that out. But
a tear. Should we get into our weekly recommendations? Yes,
I have two.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Number one is Inside Out too, So if you haven't
seen Inside Out one, obviously watched that first is on
Disney Plus, and then go see Inside Out two. It
is honestly such a good film, and I just love
the way they explain everything, and like her emotional development
because it's like a lot of sort of what we
talk about with like suppressed emotions, creating beliefs really young
(03:37):
and how they work, and it's just it's just also
very entertaining love.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
So I love that.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
And my second recommendation is perfect time for a media reset.
I personally am redoing the project along with everyone, but
it's also a great time to do do it for
your future self, especially coming up to end of financial year,
because it feels like such a good time to set
financial goals.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
I feel so true. Yeah, I when I got back
from Europe, I was like I needed a reset, and
I spent the weekend like redoing my wardrobe and kind
of making it a bit more you know when like
it changes from like autumn to winter and you kind
of don't do anything about it, and so you've got
(04:18):
all your summer stuff there, yeah, and like not much
winter stuff. I basically just made it a bit more
winter friendly, and you know, got rid of a couple
of things and put them on deep hop for like
summer stuff. Oh, obviously I had the most amazing time
in Europe, guys, I'm back. It was the best time. Obviously.
(04:39):
It's a very short and sharp trip. When we originally
planned this trip, we didn't have IVY. It was pre COVID,
so it was supposed to be like six weeks long.
She was only two weeks long, but so we only
got to do half the places. But it was amazing.
It looked beautiful, it was incredible. I think my favorite
place was Sant Tropez, Love for France just next level
(05:02):
and I was very present, mostly off social media, and yeah,
it was just beautiful to like, you know, reconnect with myself,
have space connect TM. So yeah it was incredible. But
also I was like, God, I love my every day,
I love my routine, I love where I live, I
love my work. And it was such a good reminder
(05:25):
of like it's beautiful to have a holiday, but like
to curate your every day so you don't feel like
you need one. That was like such a big, like
aha moment. Yeah, it was incredible. My recommendation. I was
reading this on the trip and we've got another fantasy recommendation.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
Oh, I'm still finishing activity.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
She's back. She's back into the fantasy. So it's called
a Dawn of on X And I'm not too sure
if there's a book too. I'm only about halfway through
and it's it's good. It's captivating me love. I won't
tell you about it. I'm sure you can go rid
the sybnosis, but yeah, that's my book.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
Rack.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
I might I let to the list. Should we get
into the show, Yes, okay, So Eleanor, welcome back to
the Rise and Conquer potty. This is part two. So
if you guys haven't listened to part one, highly highly
recommend you go there because we unpacked so much, we
(06:32):
got into so much, and you're just so juicy that
I was like, we need to keep going. So here's
the part too.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
Thank you. I've never been called juicy before, and I
love it.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
For really, you haven't been called juicy no.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
I mean maybe the things I say are juicy, but
I'm just going to take that out.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
Well, you've embodied the whole thing, so you are juicy.
Well let's get straight into it. So what we're kind
of wanting to unpack is the concept of how like
it's not just sex. It's like you said in part one,
(07:11):
it's this conditioning. It's about connection and intimacy and how
much we haven't realized how much society, our parents, friends, teachers,
all those people have kind of left an imprint on
what we think sex connection relationships should be. So I'm
(07:34):
so excited to kind of like get straight into that.
These are questions from our community and from the team.
So should we get straight into it?
Speaker 3 (07:43):
Absolutely, let's do it.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
So this is such a good question. I did not
come up with this, but I wish I did. How
do we release our slut archetype and be confident in
her after shaming her for so long?
Speaker 3 (08:00):
This a juicy question, so juicy, Okay, we should all
embrace our inner slut. I think it is so powerful.
And the term slut as well, is just it's got
such an interesting etymology, Like the history of the term
slut is quite ridiculous. But to be a slut in
(08:21):
our society is this idea that how dare you be
a woman and enjoy sex, which, when you think of it,
it's pretty fun tough, like we are designed to experience pleasure,
like we are the people who have an organ that
is designed almost solely for pleasure, like the glitterius is.
(08:43):
That's basically its only job. It's not doing too much else,
not doing too much else. And so the idea that
we are not meant to feel pleasure and that we
are not meant to enjoy sex, and that sex is
just something that happens to us, to me, is just wild.
And so you know, you'd be forgiven for feeling like
(09:05):
I shouldn't be a slut, because you know, of course
society makes us feel terrible for daring to enjoy our
sex life. And so it is like this process of
peeling back the layers and removing all of that. You know,
we've spoken last the last episode about journaling and about
working through the shame and the stories that we grew
(09:29):
up with, and so sort of you know, starting with
that practice, but then also just like fully owning it.
What do you desire? You know, start exploring what it
is that you really really want to try in the bedroom.
Start seducing yourself. This is the most powerful practice I've
ever found. It's something that I talked about in the
(09:49):
previous episode as well. You know, this sensual movement, this
self touch, really allowing yourself to seduce yourself is going
to bring out you're inner slut as well. And then
voicing your desires and saying this is something like that
turns me on. I'd really like to try this with
you if you're sharing with a partner and fully own it.
(10:09):
You know, sometimes we can really i like to say,
like clock block our desires because we're afraid of judgment
from our partner. So start to really voice them, and
that will also allow your partner to share these are
the things that I'm really interested in. And when you're sharing.
It's really important not to ever yuck someone's yum. It's like, okay,
(10:31):
that's something that turns you on. It doesn't work for me,
but that's okay. And maybe I'm willing to compromise and
explore that with you, or maybe that's just a boundary
for me, But really, like, allow yourself to try things.
I think in the past, I want to say, in
the past two years, I feel like I have just
(10:52):
sort of opened up a whole new world. So I
used to have judgments about certain things and like, oh no,
I'm not that kind of person. I would never do that.
But secretly there's this little voice in the back of
my head that's like, well, that sounds kind of hot.
But the messages that I've received growing up, or from
TV or from media are like that's slutty, that's a bad.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
Thing to do.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
Only weird people do that, blah blah blah. And I
got to a point where I was like, you know what,
fuck it, I just want to try. I want to
explore and maybe it's for me and maybe it's not,
but I'm sick of holding myself back. And as well,
I've kind of found this evidence right that there was
one time that I didn't allow myself to experience X,
(11:35):
and then at one point I tried it and now
it's great and now I love it, and I've kind
of integrated that into my life, into my sex life,
and so that could potentially keep happening. And so if
I allow myself to own my desires and actually give
it a go and you know, embrace my inner slut,
pleasure is what's on the other side. Like shame can
(11:56):
go fuck off quite frankly, but pleasure is on the
other side. So yes, I know there might be judgment
from other people that might be like, oh gosh, how
dare you enjoy your own sex life?
Speaker 1 (12:10):
Probably don't hang out with those people.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
Don't have a fut Like, I'm going to actually live
this one life that I have, and I'm going to
enjoy my body for what it's designed to be enjoyed for,
and I'm going to explore because that's my progative.
Speaker 1 (12:25):
I even like even think about from the concept of
you know, like after you orgasm, you are like in
this energy of not only like pleasure, but it's like
everything feels hopeful, exciting, magical. It's like obviously it's like euphoria.
(12:47):
But it's like, you know, in that energy of anything
that feels like that, why would it be bad.
Speaker 3 (12:54):
That's not a bad thing at all.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
It's not a bad thing. And like, if you think
about the slot archetype being that rather than something you
saw on TV that because I think you can people
get murky with the slut archetype is like breaking up
a marriage or you know, those sorts of things. But
you need to separate that. You need to redefine what
(13:19):
the slot is for you and have your own definition
of what it means. And then yeah, like you said,
it's like, wouldn't you want to be in that energy
of pleasure euphoria, you know, even after the fact of
like everything just feels better, feels more exciting, Like that's
(13:39):
the vibe.
Speaker 3 (13:40):
That's the aliveness. And you know, one of the the
older definitions of the term slut was a woman unto herself,
and it was like this idea that you have your
own sovereignty, you are your own person, you choose I'm
a slut, I'm a big slot.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
I'm like.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
Just owning our slots over here totally exactly, and something
that you know you may not want to share because
it's a little I guess taboo, but I really feel
that the idea of slut shaming, it really provides fodder
for the you know, patriarchy that we exist in to continue.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
And so.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
If we are aware, deeply connected to the fact that
we can create pleasure and euphoria and bliss and transcendence
within our own body, and you know, maybe the sex
that you're having isn't necessarily like that, but it is possible.
If we know that that power is available just through
(14:46):
our body and our connection with ourselves and other people,
then we're not going to look to certain institutions to
tell us what to do. And this is where you know,
our society and culture is often very very intertwined with religion,
and so the church might have you believe that you
(15:07):
need to come here and praise this almighty figure and
anything that you do, especially in terms of sexuality, that's
going to take you away from godliness, from transcendence, that's
going to take you away, when really we know that
sex and pleasure can actually take you towards this openness,
(15:32):
this transcendence. But that's a threat to an institution that
is like, no, you must obey us. We are the
ones that are in power. We are the ones that
tell you what you can and cannot do, especially when
it comes to your body. And so I think that
it's really really intertwined. So allowing yourself to access your
(15:54):
pleasure and to reclaim your sexuality is a small act
of rebellion. You know what, It's not even a small actor.
It's a really fucking big act of rebellion and saying
I'm actually the one that is going to you know,
I'm going to experience God, the universe, transcendence, whatever it is,
through my body and not by someone else telling me
(16:16):
what this person, this this entity thinks about me and
my dildos.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
I love it so much. It's really like claiming that
energy back and claiming I love the word sovereignty. It's
like claiming that sovereignty of like owning who you are,
owning your body, owning your own pleasure. It's powerful, scarce people.
Yeah it is, And so of course being a slut
(16:45):
is shamed by the patriarchy and certain institutes because it
is powerful. Yeah, she's independent, Yeah, she's alive, Like, yeah,
she's totally tapped in and she's connected. Actually, I'm kind
of just putting this together right now. But any time
that I am tapped in connected, I kind of call
(17:08):
it like my higher self, Like I'm tapped into her,
I'm having the best sex of my life.
Speaker 3 (17:14):
Absolutely. Of course, you're embodying that you know, and you're
magnetic when you're tapped into who you are and what
you care about, and you're prioritizing your pleasure, no wonder,
your sex life is amazing.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
My word for twenty twenty four is pleasure.
Speaker 3 (17:30):
Oh I love that, so hear that.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
I feel like, yeah, no, I love that so much.
We went like, we really went deep in that question.
But thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (17:40):
Sorry, I can't help myself.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
How does traditional gender roles impact our understanding and expression
of sexuality? What challenges to individuals face when trying to
break free from these roles from the lens of sexuality.
Speaker 3 (17:59):
This is so fascinating because so this is something that
I've had a direct experience with in my own life.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Tells you tell us an example.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
It wasn't until I was thirty years old that I
realized I was bisexual, or allowing myself to realize that
I was bisexual. And when I first started dating women,
I didn't know what the fuck to do because I
had had so much experience dating men. I was like,
they're easy.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
I am a pro. That's easy. I can flirt with them.
Speaker 3 (18:39):
Like I can, I can seduce it. It's fine.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
I got it.
Speaker 3 (18:44):
And then suddenly I'm like faced with a woman, I'm like,
oh on, that's so pretty. I don't know what I'm doing?
Do I what do I do? I remember even going
on my first date with a woman, official date with
a woman, and I was talking to my houseman at
the time. I was like, I don't know what to where.
I was like, I had this perception that she was
really firm right in her hinge profile. It was like
(19:04):
flowy skirts and like long hair, and she was like
so beautiful, and I was like should I wear? What
should I wear? And so I ended up wearing like
pants and like a shirt. Like I felt as though
I had to dress masks because I was in this
like dynamic, and thankfully I've kind of figured my shit
(19:25):
out since that I can dress however I want. And
it's not about a masculine and a feminine vibe that
you need. I'm definitely about the polarity sort of conversation.
And I think that everything exists on a spectrum, and
so when it comes to really figuring out identity and
(19:49):
how you experience these different energies, sometimes it can really
limit us. We can go, oh, well, there's meant to
be the masculine and there's meant to be the feminine energy,
and one of us has to be each, and even
in queer couples, one of us has to be each,
and it can limit you from really experience experiencing deep
(20:13):
pleasure because you're so confined in this is the role
that I must adhere to. And so you know, talking
about like a heterosexual situation, and you're used to going, okay, well,
the man is meant to be masculine and they're meant
to be dominant, and so I'm the feminine and I'm
going to be submissive. But sometimes you're in a slut
(20:36):
is like I want to ride you and I want
to tell you what the fuck to do, and that
feels hot and empowering, right, But sometimes we'll talk ourselves
out of embodying the energy that we want to embody
and switching up the energy that we want to explore,
because no, that's not how it's meant to be. And
(20:56):
so I think it's really about like kind of like
queering your world a little bit and being like, you
know what, we can actually play in between the spectrum
and we can explore all different elements and see how
that feels. Because it's really fun to kind of put
on the other hat and go ooh, I'm going to
try this energy instead.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
You know what's so interesting? Me and Tim actually have
been doing that a lot. The concept we kind of got.
I think it's called like ranging or something like that,
where it's like, yeah, it's trying on the different not
archetypes or energies, but for example, you know, sometimes you know,
during sex, I want Tim to be super dominant and
(21:37):
super and it's usually what I realized. It's if I
have been dominant that day and I've been in like
my boss bitch mode and I'm like, I need to surrender.
I want you to be and it's having that clear
communication and then you know, we've also had other times
where Tim's like I just want you to tell me
(21:57):
what to do and take care of me beautiful, and
then you know, and I guess definitely having that communication
and stepping into that, I love that You're like, not,
it's not every time is like that just because I
asked for it once doesn't mean that's how I want
it every time, and really felling into what do I
want to try right now? Well, what I need in this,
(22:20):
and then communicating that with your partner, but also trying
things on absolutely. Like I remember Tim was saying how
he's like, oh, I really am enjoying right now you
being super feminine and so like I started dressing like
a little bit more feminine and it's like it's you know,
it's like you know, seducing him kind of thing, and hey,
(22:42):
you know he's really into it. And then you know,
sometimes I'll be, you know, in my suit, I'm going
to like some business sleeping and he's like, oh my god,
Like this is such a turn on, Like when you're domineering, Yeah,
the power and like not mean not making it mean
anything or getting stuck in da oh well they communicated
(23:02):
this once or expressed this once or I have to
do it every time, but just keeping that open conversation
about like, oh, like wouldn't it be fun to try this?
Like I read a lot of fantasy books. What are
you currently reading?
Speaker 3 (23:17):
Wait? I read a lot of Smart? Are you talking
about Smart?
Speaker 1 (23:19):
Yeah? Right, always all I read and yeah, so they'll
be like, you know, you'll read certain things and I'll
be like, let's try this.
Speaker 3 (23:33):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
And he also reads smart delicious.
Speaker 3 (23:36):
That's like that's the ideal, I know.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
And so he's also like it's so funny because I'll
see him like giggling or something at his book and
I'm like, what's happening and he would tell me and
he's like even if he's like so naughty. Yeah, And
then like we'll you know, talk about it, and I'll
be like, is that something you want to try? And
sometimes he's like absolutely not, this is And then sometimes
(24:02):
it's like, oh, it'd be fun to blah blah blah,
and you're still having that communication. But a big thing
we do in our relationship, we kind of call it
the black hole where I can say something to you
and I don't want you to take it not to heart,
but like take it as verbatim, like yeah, this is
now law. Yeah, And I think even having that conversation first,
(24:23):
but like I want to be able to like throw
things out in the relationship and like talk about different
things and you for you to just be like open
and be able to absorb it because sometimes you say
something and then after you're like I don't actually want
to try that, or like, you know, it's like it's
was on your mind and you want to talk about it,
but it doesn't actually mean it's like that's it.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
Yeah, I think that's a really really nice practice. I'm
gonna steal that, so thank you. Yeah, you know you.
We can just have these different things that we want
to try, and just because we tried it once doesn't
mean that that's we're signed up for life.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
Yeah, say with.
Speaker 3 (24:58):
Labels, like I think people get really really hung up.
I'm like, oh, but I was vegetarian for a while
and now I'm not like, oh, what's that label going
to mean? And do I have to choose this? And
is it me for life? Like no, try things out.
I love a little food analogy. So it's like, Okay,
maybe you've been eating pizza and pasta for four months
(25:21):
and you're like, okay, I'm really done yet pizza and
pasta and you're like, I could really go some sushi,
and it's like, okay, well, you don't have to eat
sushi for the rest of your life now. Just because
you're trying sushi, you have a whole Smoger's ward of
food available to you. You don't have to eat the same
thing every day. And just because you tried it once,
you know, sometimes you're like, oh, I'll try some caveat
(25:42):
and you're like, ooh, I don't like that. That's fine.
Just because you tried it once doesn't mean now you're
locked in. Yeah, as that type of person who eats cavia.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
Yeah, I love that. Letting go of the labels. Yeah, Yeah,
let's even get into the libido conversation, because we had
a lot of questions about, you know, how do I
increase my sex drive? What if his libido is different
to my libido? And I know you're actually going to
release a course on this soon. Yes, if I can
say that on here, of course you can. Thank you amazing.
(26:12):
And I would love to just like open that up
that conversation because again, I feel like there's a lot
of conditioning, there's a lot of like right and wrong.
So yeah, let's get into that.
Speaker 3 (26:22):
Yeah. Yeah, Honestly, this is the most common thing that
I have clients come to me with is sex drive libido, thinking,
oh my gosh, my sex drive is higher or lower
than my partners or I'm not feeling any desire for
sex and something must be wrong with me as a result,
I feel like I'm broken. That is the most heartbreaking
(26:44):
thing that I have heard, and unfortunately, I've heard it
so many times from clients saying I feel like I'm
broken and it's just because they aren't desiring sex at
all or in the way that their partner does. And
so we can easily create all of these stories and
the meaning behind why we're not desiring sex, and often
(27:05):
it can be oh, you must just not love your
partner enough, or you must not desire your partner you
don't find them sexy enough. And to be honest, libido
is the most layered and multifaceted, nuanced topic out there.
And yeah, I'm creating this clause like I told you,
but gosh, there is so much that goes into it.
(27:26):
And so from a sexological point of view, we need
to understand what are our desire types like I spoke
about in the previous episode, what are our breaks and accelerators,
the things that turn us on, the things that turn
us off. How do we like our partner to initiate
sex with us? Do we want it to be playful?
Do we want it to be explicitly erotic, do we
(27:48):
want it to be central and slow? How do we respond?
And when you understand these kinds of concepts, you can
start to really unpack why we might not be feeling
desire in the same way as our partner or the
same way as our previous self, because we also have
to take into account there's so many lifestyle factors that
(28:10):
impact your libido. You know, whether you've had a child recently,
whether you are parenting and you're not getting much time
to yourself, if you're having a really stressful time in
your work life, if your mental health or physical health
is suffering, if you're on SSRIs like. There are a
lot of things that can impact the way that you
experience desire, and none of them mean that there is
(28:34):
something wrong with you. You are not broken. You simply
need to just understand yourself a little bit more and
understand your partner and create a vocabulary so that you
can unlock your desire.
Speaker 1 (28:48):
That's beautiful, and I think also I loved what you
said in part one of the episode of You're Allowed
to go through Seasons. Yes, Like, even though I said
in part one, how you know I do have quite
a high libido in my relationship. It's like, very much
I'm the one who's like, let's go. I haven't always
(29:11):
been like that. Yeah, like there has been, you know,
seasons where I am very stressed or like you know,
things are happening, or you know, just shit is happening,
And so I think it's also I think people go
straight to I'm broken, that shame. But also I love
to look at any time you know, maybe I do
(29:34):
have a low libido. It's like, yeah, what's actually happening
in my life right now? And where am I actually
not giving myself love and compassion? Where am I not
connecting with myself? And I love that you do talk
about it's not just a one thing or you should
try this, because yeah, like that's it's very not silly,
(29:55):
but it's like it's not a one dimensional thing.
Speaker 3 (29:59):
No, not at all. There's so many factors that can
play into it. And I love that you have that
moment of reflection of like, Okay, well if my libido
is low right now, what could be playing a part?
And I always really love to encourage people to look
at the relationship. Is there some sort of festering resentment
(30:20):
for your partner that might have been there for years,
and you're not feeling fully seen, fully heard, fully accepted,
fully loved by them. And if you are feeling like
this person doesn't get me, this person doesn't help me,
I don't feel supported, then why would you want to
(30:40):
have sex with that person? You know it makes sense,
and so sometimes the libido the sex drive fix isn't
about the sex, It's about the relationship. And on another level,
like you mentioned with the self love, are you seducing yourself?
Do you have for yourself? Are you masturbating? Like are
(31:03):
you feeling any connection with your sexuality or are you
simply expecting to turn it on for another person or
are you expecting your partner to turn it on for you?
And maybe they don't have a connection. They're not feeling
sexy themselves, They're not feeling any connection to their sexuality.
And how can you really encourage that?
Speaker 1 (31:26):
I love that spoken so beautifully. Thank you. Another great question,
how does societal pressure to conform to a certain beauty
standard affect our sexual confidence? And do you have any
strategies that we can cultivate a positive body image and
boost self esteem in the bedroom?
Speaker 3 (31:46):
Oh? I love this yes, absolutely. It plays a big role.
When we assume that we need to look or be
a certain way in general, we're going to almost minimize
ourselves and we're not going to fully express who we
are and our bodies. We're not going to feel comfortable
(32:07):
showing up naked, being on top. But these are the
things that a lot of people come to me with, Like,
it feels really uncomfortable because I'm not satisfied with the
way that I look or present because of societal beauty standards, right,
and beauty standards are so fucked up because they change constantly.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
So true, it's ridiculous, so hard to keep up.
Speaker 3 (32:31):
It's like, okay, well, one one era you're meant to
look like this, and the other era you're meant to
look like the complete opposite to be considered so called beautiful.
And so it really can play a huge role in
how we see ourselves and if we see ourselves as
sexy or not, because sometimes we have this idea of like, oh,
(32:53):
a sexy person is X, Y, Z, and I don't
have those things, so therefore I mustn't be sexy. And
so my invitation to you is, how can you find
yourself sexier? How can you like kind of just let
those the conditioning just like kind of like flick that
off to the side and go these are the ways
that I'm going to seduce myself. These are the ways
(33:14):
that I'm going to feel into my sexiness and also recognizing.
So sometimes we hold ourselves back because we're like, oh,
I don't want my partner to see me naked. I
don't want them to see like you know that angle.
I was talking to a friend yesterday about like being
on top and how sometimes especially if you have like
bigger boobs. Mine an't aren't that as big, but she's
(33:36):
got very large boobs, and she's like, oh, well, when
I lean over if I'm on top, like my moobs
sag down and like they're hanging. And that was a concern,
And you know, we have all these different things that
we might be thinking about and up in our heads
about like oh, like are they seeing this, are they
seeing that stretch mark or like that pimple? At whatever,
(33:57):
the end of the day, this person's having sex with you.
They are stoked, they have one lottery right, they are keen.
This person already finds you so desirable. So allow yourself
to get out of your head and go, I am
a goddess, Like how fucking sexy am I to be
(34:18):
in this room being totally worshiped by this other person.
This person wants to like lick my clip, Okay, go
for it. Provide me with that pleasure. I deserve it. It
has nothing to do with all of the random little
things that we are sold products to fix that are
(34:40):
simply just human bodies being bodies. And so really like
trying to unpack that and remind yourself check yourself in
that moment when you go, oh, what are they thinking
of this? This? And that go they're thinking, fuck, yeah,
I'm having sex with this goddess okay, and then like
own that, fully own it, be like yes, you know what,
(35:02):
You're welcome, you are having sex with me right now,
like congrats.
Speaker 1 (35:08):
I also think there's such a conversation for like everything
is energy and if you like you said, I own
bodying that, like no, I am a goddess, Like this
is a privilege right now. Yes, And also you're again
mirroring that for that person and like I think they
(35:28):
can feel that energy when you're showing up and you're
like no, like if and that's the thing is you
can still be working through certain things, but you can
still step into that energy of like no, like I
am magnetizing, I am you know, sexy in my own right,
I am like I am me. No one's me, like
(35:50):
my favorite saying, ever, it's like, no one is me,
and that's my power. Yeah, Like, and I'm here and
I'm in this experience and I'm committing to the experience,
and I I'm going to be fully present. They will
feel that energy like I can feel when I'm having
sex with Tim and if he's not really present, I'm like,
get your head in the game because I can feel
it and it's not doesn't feel good totally. He's like
(36:12):
all right, l right, sor I don't thinking about that exactly,
and then like and I will also do it. And
even like this is obviously such a conversation of like
if I can't orgasm, it's because I'm up in my
head and I'm like not being present. And if I
drop in and I'm like, relax, get into your body,
and I'll be like to him, I'm like we needed
(36:32):
a bit more full play. Like let's like get present
and then I step into that energy. Like such a
difference in the experience. He can feel it. I can
feel it, and when you're thinking from the lens of energy,
that's like it doesn't look a certain way. Yes, And
I think that's what I really come back to in
(36:54):
those moments of like, it doesn't actually matter how I look,
it's how I'm being in this moment, talent and bodying.
Speaker 3 (37:01):
That's so beautiful.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
Yeah, thank you just thought about then. That's even like
I saw a great question from the community and she
was saying that she hasn't been able to come after
giving birth. Yea, so they've been having sex again and
she's like, oh, I can't come anymore. Like what would
you say to that person?
Speaker 3 (37:23):
Yeah, So I think that that could be grounded in
a disconnection to your own body when I have no
experience of giving birth. I'm not a parent, but from
working with clients, I think that it's very common to
feel this disconnection with your body because suddenly it's not
necessarily yours anymore. You're sharing it and sustaining a life,
(37:48):
and so now it's almost like you're viewing your body
as for its purpose. You know, I'm existing only to
keep this newborn alive, and so a lot of new
mothers feel this disconnection with their body. It's like I
don't know it anymore. And so I would really encourage
(38:08):
you to step back and start to connect more with
your physical body and reclaim a little bit of that.
Of course, you can't just be like, you know what,
titties are off limits.
Speaker 1 (38:22):
Hate these are I but like take some.
Speaker 3 (38:26):
Time or just like allow your mind to drift back
to this is mine and I am worthy of feeling
pleasure and I can also be a sexual person and
a mother.
Speaker 1 (38:44):
I love that. Yeah, that's important.
Speaker 3 (38:47):
I think that holds a lot of people back.
Speaker 1 (38:49):
Again, it's not putting yourself in the box of I'm
not just a mum anymore. I get to also have
my identity and be also my own person exactly.
Speaker 3 (39:00):
There's this really really interesting concept called the Madonna horde dichotomy.
Have you heard of this no, So it's the idea
that you've got the madonna, which is like the archetype
of like the virgin, the really like beautiful, cure chase woman,
and then you've got the whore, and you cannot possibly
(39:21):
be both. You're either a sexually liberated slutty woman or
you are a virginal, which is ridiculous because you can't
be a virgin if you're a mother, but the virginal, innocent,
pure mother figure and never the train shull meet. And
so this is what society kind of lumps women into.
(39:44):
Either you're one or the other. You're a pure good girl,
you're a mum. You are just this innocent, virginal sort
of you know, not sexual remotely at all. Or you're
a total slot and you like sex and this is
the reason that you exist. But you couldn't possibly be
(40:04):
a mother who enjoys sex, right, And we take that
on because that's some serious societal conditioning that we have
thrust upon us. And so if you're a mother, it
would make a lot of sense that you would feel like, shit,
I can't access my sexuality anymore, or I feel like
I'm not meant to and I can't be taken seriously
(40:26):
as a mum if I'm also a sexually liberated woman.
And so it's really like, that's what we need to
reckon with is embodying and kind of bringing the two
archetypes together and recognizing that you're a multi faceted person
and you have so many different layers to yourself and
you are allowed to be both.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
I love that and even like doing some journaling on
like where, like what identities am I currently playing into
and how is it serving me? But also not serving me?
Because a lot of things with like identity work that
I do is you're usually playing into it because it's
serving you. At some it's giving you some sort of benefit.
Other those you wouldn't be doing it. But it's also like, yeah,
(41:12):
let's see the benefits, but also let's see where it's
not serving you, so you can give your brain the
evidence of like I don't actually have to fully play
into this identity and only be boxed into one identity.
Speaker 3 (41:25):
Yeah, definitely, I love that.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
A sensitive question, do you have any recommendations on how
we can work to let our guard down for future
partners after experiencing trauma sexual trauma in a previous relationship.
Speaker 3 (41:41):
Yeah, this is a big and unfortunately incredibly common question
and experience that a lot of people have gone through,
and for me, my first suggestion is always working with
a certified counselor psychologist psychiatrist to really work through that trauma,
(42:04):
because there's only so much that you can do yourself,
and that's really really vital. So you know in my work,
if someone comes to me and they're wanting to explore
sexuality and they have had a history of sexual trauma
or abuse, my first question is are you working with
someone or have you worked with someone a professional in
this space, because that's going to be key. So yeah,
(42:27):
I would absolutely recognize that first and speaking as openly
as you feel comfortable with with your partner about your history,
because it's important that you don't retrigger yourself. And firstly,
you might not know what your triggers are. Psychologists can
(42:47):
help you figure that out, but recognizing that there might
be moments when you're intimate with a partner in any sense,
maybe it's making out, maybe it's having sex, that something
might come up and you might be triggered in that moment,
And so having a really open and honest conversation with
(43:08):
your partner about what your triggers could be and what
you or how you might react in a moment of
being triggered, and what you need to feel soothed and
safe if it should come up. Having a partner that
you do really trust as well, because trust is going
to be a big topic when you have had it
(43:31):
broken in such a horrendous way, and so taking that
time to recognize this is a person that I can
trust and maybe even taking them to therapy too and saying, hey,
I want to work through this. This is a relationship
that I am invested in, and I recognize that my
past is going to play a role in how I
(43:53):
show up in this relationship. And I need my partner
to understand this. And if your partner cannot hold space
for you and recognize the depth of and the way
that trauma impacts you and anybody, then potentially not for you.
Like you deserve a partner who is going to show
(44:14):
up for you and really do everything in their power
to make you feel safe.
Speaker 1 (44:21):
That's beautiful.
Speaker 3 (44:22):
Thank you so much for thing on emotional.
Speaker 1 (44:26):
That's so so important, and it's yeah, what you said
at the end is like so heartbreaking that people go
through that, but also like you do get to have
that safety.
Speaker 3 (44:40):
Yeah, you deserve safety, and that's the key thing. Like
we all deserve to feel safe around our relationships and
our sexuality, and so often we don't. And so whatever
you can do to build that is going to be
so powerful.
Speaker 1 (44:56):
Thank you so much. Seeking on that last two questions
from the community how can I talk to my partner
if I want to spice up our sex life?
Speaker 3 (45:06):
This is a fun one.
Speaker 1 (45:08):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (45:09):
So firstly, again you can blame me and you can
be like, oh, listen to this podcast with the sex educator.
Let's talk about our sex life. Ways to spice up
your sex life. Okay. We spoke before about smart Yes, yeah,
tell us, which we love.
Speaker 1 (45:24):
I've already encouraged my whole audience.
Speaker 3 (45:26):
Yes, I actually have a free book club. It's called
Smart Slut.
Speaker 1 (45:30):
Shut the fuck up, I will not.
Speaker 3 (45:32):
It is so hot because I got them all, all
the recommendations for me and my community, and like spice rating.
Speaker 1 (45:40):
What is this just on your Instagram?
Speaker 3 (45:41):
It's just on Telegram.
Speaker 1 (45:43):
You just joined for free, Like watch me in that
this afternoon.
Speaker 3 (45:46):
Exactly, and I see your recommendations.
Speaker 1 (45:48):
We went on, Yeah, we went to raise for our
anniversary and I was like, I said to Tim, it
was like the second date. I'm reading this book right
now and it's like it's not it. And I said
to him, I kind of feel a bit of annoyed
this trip because I haven't got a good money book.
And He's like, get it sorted, go get some records, please,
(46:09):
like it actually was. Yeah, so I'm so glad. I'll
take that right out.
Speaker 3 (46:13):
I've got like different levels, so like Spice rating level
one to five amazing, and so people can kind of
choose their own adventure.
Speaker 1 (46:21):
Amazing. But I really just doing God's work.
Speaker 3 (46:25):
Oh thank you. I think that's smart. And reading erotica,
even listening to erotica is a really nice way to
kind of create this little steady simmer, you know, for
your libido.
Speaker 1 (46:39):
You're just like I'm almost just like a little.
Speaker 3 (46:41):
Bit horny because I'm listening to my nasty book.
Speaker 1 (46:45):
Literally like actually, like the difference that smutty books has
made to my libido is wild. But not even like
sexually towards him, like yes, but even like towards life.
Speaker 3 (47:02):
Oh totally, isn't it. While it's the best thing ever.
I go on what I like to call smut girl walks,
so I'll be listening to a smutty book and I'm
just walking. I'm like, oh, yes, good morning, and I
held okay, I know sometimes I it's so funny.
Speaker 1 (47:22):
I think it was yeah, No, it was my friend
who she jumped in the car and my audiobook was
playing and it was like at a very specific point
and she just looks at me and I'm like, yeah,
this is where.
Speaker 3 (47:35):
I'm at, what I do on my free time.
Speaker 1 (47:37):
What of it? Okay, perfect smutty books take one way.
Speaker 3 (47:44):
And yeah, you know, if your partner is open to
listening or reading smutty books.
Speaker 1 (47:48):
As well, So a ps if you want to get
your partner into the smart books. What I said to
Tim was it was all about like reading books, like
being present. And I was like, this is he's into boxing.
I'm like, this is a boxing book. Oh great, you know,
like so find like an interest and we like it's
a book about their interests.
Speaker 3 (48:08):
A boxer, yeah, and then the things that they do.
Speaker 1 (48:11):
Yeah, but now it's all about it because he understands it.
Speaker 3 (48:15):
Really. I love that. So otherwise, to kind of spice
up your sex life, I have a practice in one
of my workbooks that is the yes, No, maybe List,
and so it's essentially like a sexual desires list and
going through that together. So it's basically this list of
all these different sexual acts and things that you might
(48:37):
want to try, you know, and it might go from
threesomes to spanking or whatever, and each of you will
answer yes, no or maybe yep, I'm into it. No absolutely,
not all maybe interested in trying. And so then you
compare your lists. If you've got some yes's amazing, put
them aside for like a future list of things to
do together. If one is a yes and a maybe,
(48:59):
then give that a try and then see if the
maybe turns into a yes or no. If anyone has
a no, then it's just off the list altogether, non negotiable.
And this is a really fun way to just explore
different things that you might not have even thought about
trying before. I've got a whole bunch of things on
this list. There's also this very fun app that I'm
(49:19):
actually playing with a lover right now, and it's called
ex Confessions, and so it's essentially the idea of the yes, No,
maybe list, but it's in like a Tinder style game,
and so you swipe yes or no, and it'll be
like I want to watch you masturbate and you'll be
like I'm into that, or like I want to be
(49:39):
tied up and you're like, I'm not into that, and
then your partner will play it as well. You connect
accounts and then it creates a list of all the
things that you matched on love very fun.
Speaker 1 (49:51):
Apps are so fun, so.
Speaker 3 (49:52):
Fun, and it's like things like this, It again creates
that steady simmer because it's like we're not just talking
about sex when we're having said where like throughout the day,
when I'm like on a little break from work, I'm
doing a little swipe and I'm like, oh God, I
want to try these things. And then it's building that
desire and that aroused and I'm like, oh yeah, I'm
feeling much more interest in sex, and by the time
(50:14):
I see my lover, I'm like, oh, let's get it on.
Speaker 1 (50:17):
Yeah. Interesting. And also I think the biggest thing too,
with the spicing thing up, spicing things up, it's like
it's the communication that makes it spicy, totally, like talking
to them about the things, exploring the things, having that
connection is.
Speaker 3 (50:34):
So huge, totally, it's massive.
Speaker 1 (50:37):
I love that. The last question, and I know from
your highlights, I did do my research. I know that
you have some experience in this. How do you ask
your partner for a threesome and what could that look like?
Speaker 3 (50:55):
Okay, I love talking about threesomes. Tell us mores, I
am a relatively experienced unicorn, which is essentially like when
you're the third, So how do you ask?
Speaker 1 (51:08):
Which just says how to ask your partner for a threesome?
Speaker 3 (51:11):
Okay, amazing, how to ask someone for a threesome? I
think firstly it's important to recognize that this could be
quite triggering because the story that tends to come up
is what do you mean I'm not good enough for you? Yeah?
I'm not enough, And so we need to frame it
properly and say, like, I love our sex life so much,
and there's some really fun things that I'd like to try.
(51:34):
You know, maybe if you're by or you haven't had
much experience with people of the same sex or gender,
then maybe you can express that like, well, there's something
that I'd like to explore, and like I have a
desire to be with another woman for example. Do you
think that's something that you'd find hot? Do you desire
that as well? You can also play like, for example,
the Sexual Desires game do the list and threesomes is
(51:58):
one of the things on there, and see if you
matt that right, and be really open to the fact
that Okay, if they're not into it, we can't force it, right,
we have to be understanding, but also just sort of
coming at it from this angle of I want to
experience this with you. This is going to be something
(52:19):
that I think could be really, really fun and connected,
as opposed to you're not enough and I need someone
else there to turn me on. So that's how people
can assume. And in my experience having threesomes, I've only
ever been the third I haven't had been in a
couple and had someone join. But in those situations, something
(52:41):
that I love about it is I get to see
this beautiful relationship that has so much trust and communication
where they have decided that they're going to explore and
invite someone in, and the way that they connect with
one another and check in with one another throughout. Its
(53:02):
honestly like some inspiring. Sometimes I'm like, because are so cute,
now ravish me? It loves really lovely, and like, I
think that it can be done so well. Never ever
approach a threesome from the point of view that our relationship,
our sex life is dwindling and let's spice it up
by adding someone else into the mix. It's not fair
(53:24):
on your relationship, it's not fair on the other person
as well. You don't ever want to invite someone into
a flailing relationship. Interesting threesomes will not fix a relationship,
will not fix a dwindling sex life. Only ever do
it consciously.
Speaker 1 (53:40):
Like almost like from overflow, Like our sex life is
so good, I love you so much and I'm so
into it, and let's try this because it could be fun.
Speaker 3 (53:48):
Totally, we're both so secure and now we're going to
explore more. Not all this isn't enough For all, I'm
not getting what I want or like I'll try and
be sexier somehow by pretending I'm the cool girl that's
fine with inviting a third Yeah, no, really I'm not.
And I'm going to get triggered. And it's good to
break our relationship down.
Speaker 1 (54:10):
And I also I love that you brought that up too.
Speaker 3 (54:12):
Of like.
Speaker 1 (54:14):
This is with anythink of like if your partner wants
to try something and it's a boundary for you, stick
to your boundaries. Yes, don't try and be the cool
girl who tries you know. The bunch of things is
like even if it's like maybe it's a goal you
want to get to. That point is like working with
someone doing you know, doing the work to feel secure,
but stick to your boundaries because it's so empowering. Yeah,
(54:39):
and it's like, your sexual experience should be empowering, it
should feel good, it should feel safe and grounded.
Speaker 3 (54:49):
Definitely. I think that's so important, incredibly important. Without boundaries,
we're just sort of like flailing in the wind.
Speaker 1 (54:57):
We don't want that, we don't want with boundary queens. Yeah, yeah, Wow,
this episode has been so spicy, so fun. You have
given us so many beautiful tips, and I think what
I get from you know part one and part two
is just like, first of all, how much you know
(55:19):
sex is so much just about communication and connection and
opening up and having these conversations, like how fun it
gets to be, how empowering it gets to be. So
thank you so much for chatting to me in the
community today. It has it's been incredible. We'll make sure
we link you and all the things in the show notes,
(55:39):
but thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (55:41):
Such a pleasure, Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (55:47):
Thank you so much for listening to another episode of
the Rise and Conquer Podcast. If you enjoyed it and
want more, come connect with us on Instagram at Riseinconquer
dot podcas and join our Facebook discussion group a Rise
and Conker podcast community. We're an independent podcast and we
have a small team, so we do appreciate your time
(56:10):
and support. If you have a spare moment, a follow
or subscribe on whatever platform you listen to would be
so amazing. And look, if you're feeling extra kind, a
review on Apple Podcasts would be great.
I would like to acknowledge the traditional owners of the
land on which this episode is being recorded, the Komboom
Marry people. We pay our respects to elders past, present
and emerging and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and
Torres Strait Islander peoples. Today I'm your host, Georgie Stevenson,
(00:22):
and this is the Rise and Concer podcast. This is
the podcast where weich have mindset self development and becoming
your higher self mix soon with a lot of laughs,
plus behind the scenes of my life running two businesses
and being among Think of us as the perfect combo
(00:43):
of brunch with your besties mixed with self development. No
matter where you are in your journey, We're here to
help you be curious, pull yourself out, and embrace radical
self awareness. If you're ready to get into the driver's
seat of your own life and stop letting life pass
you by, then you're in the right place. Hello and
(01:12):
welcome back to the podcast. Today's episode is Part two
with the amazing Eleanor Hadley. For those who don't know
who she is, she is a qualified sex and relationship
coach and we actually have a part one with her
that we did a few weeks ago, So if you
haven't listened to that, I highly recommend you do. We'll
put a link in the show notes otherwise, if you
(01:34):
just scroll back, I think it's about three episodes ago.
And so in this episode, we're going a little bit
deeper and really unpacking how to navigate feelings of guilt
and shame when it comes to our sexual desires, how
we can release our slut archetype after shaming her for
so long. Plus we go into so much more, and
(01:56):
Eleanor is just so amazing at explos these concepts, making
you feel really safe, and it just gets you thinking
about stuff that honestly no one talks about. So I
hope you love this episode. Before we get into the show, though,
I do want to say a bit of a special announcement.
We have decided to extend our eoffie sale. This is
(02:19):
sheerly because I want to throw a cake at Cooper Space.
And if you saw in Socials, that's what he did
to me for the real that announced our eoffie. So
I pitched to Georgina, can I throw cake at Cooper
Space and let's extend it for a couple of days. So, honestly,
I love that you get to do that. It's so selfish,
(02:40):
but I'm like, this is this would make my absolute Monday.
So we're on a whim extending it. There is fifty
percent off courses, twenty five percent of products, and we
hardly ever do sales, so get in while you can
also n H Naked Harvis Supplements has just started. It's
eoffie and it's twenty five percent off site wide. Or
(03:02):
you do need as a code and that is on
the website if you want to check that out. But
a tear. Should we get into our weekly recommendations? Yes,
I have two.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Number one is Inside Out too, So if you haven't
seen Inside Out one, obviously watched that first is on
Disney Plus, and then go see Inside Out two. It
is honestly such a good film, and I just love
the way they explain everything, and like her emotional development
because it's like a lot of sort of what we
talk about with like suppressed emotions, creating beliefs really young
(03:37):
and how they work, and it's just it's just also
very entertaining love.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
So I love that.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
And my second recommendation is perfect time for a media reset.
I personally am redoing the project along with everyone, but
it's also a great time to do do it for
your future self, especially coming up to end of financial year,
because it feels like such a good time to set
financial goals.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
I feel so true. Yeah, I when I got back
from Europe, I was like I needed a reset, and
I spent the weekend like redoing my wardrobe and kind
of making it a bit more you know when like
it changes from like autumn to winter and you kind
of don't do anything about it, and so you've got
(04:18):
all your summer stuff there, yeah, and like not much
winter stuff. I basically just made it a bit more
winter friendly, and you know, got rid of a couple
of things and put them on deep hop for like
summer stuff. Oh, obviously I had the most amazing time
in Europe, guys, I'm back. It was the best time. Obviously.
(04:39):
It's a very short and sharp trip. When we originally
planned this trip, we didn't have IVY. It was pre COVID,
so it was supposed to be like six weeks long.
She was only two weeks long, but so we only
got to do half the places. But it was amazing.
It looked beautiful, it was incredible. I think my favorite
place was Sant Tropez, Love for France just next level
(05:02):
and I was very present, mostly off social media, and yeah,
it was just beautiful to like, you know, reconnect with myself,
have space connect TM. So yeah it was incredible. But
also I was like, God, I love my every day,
I love my routine, I love where I live, I
love my work. And it was such a good reminder
(05:25):
of like it's beautiful to have a holiday, but like
to curate your every day so you don't feel like
you need one. That was like such a big, like
aha moment. Yeah, it was incredible. My recommendation. I was
reading this on the trip and we've got another fantasy recommendation.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
Oh, I'm still finishing activity.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
She's back. She's back into the fantasy. So it's called
a Dawn of on X And I'm not too sure
if there's a book too. I'm only about halfway through
and it's it's good. It's captivating me love. I won't
tell you about it. I'm sure you can go rid
the sybnosis, but yeah, that's my book.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
Rack.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
I might I let to the list. Should we get
into the show, Yes, okay, So Eleanor, welcome back to
the Rise and Conquer potty. This is part two. So
if you guys haven't listened to part one, highly highly
recommend you go there because we unpacked so much, we
(06:32):
got into so much, and you're just so juicy that
I was like, we need to keep going. So here's
the part too.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
Thank you. I've never been called juicy before, and I
love it.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
For really, you haven't been called juicy no.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
I mean maybe the things I say are juicy, but
I'm just going to take that out.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
Well, you've embodied the whole thing, so you are juicy.
Well let's get straight into it. So what we're kind
of wanting to unpack is the concept of how like
it's not just sex. It's like you said in part one,
(07:11):
it's this conditioning. It's about connection and intimacy and how
much we haven't realized how much society, our parents, friends, teachers,
all those people have kind of left an imprint on
what we think sex connection relationships should be. So I'm
(07:34):
so excited to kind of like get straight into that.
These are questions from our community and from the team.
So should we get straight into it?
Speaker 3 (07:43):
Absolutely, let's do it.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
So this is such a good question. I did not
come up with this, but I wish I did. How
do we release our slut archetype and be confident in
her after shaming her for so long?
Speaker 3 (08:00):
This a juicy question, so juicy, Okay, we should all
embrace our inner slut. I think it is so powerful.
And the term slut as well, is just it's got
such an interesting etymology, Like the history of the term
slut is quite ridiculous. But to be a slut in
(08:21):
our society is this idea that how dare you be
a woman and enjoy sex, which, when you think of it,
it's pretty fun tough, like we are designed to experience pleasure,
like we are the people who have an organ that
is designed almost solely for pleasure, like the glitterius is.
(08:43):
That's basically its only job. It's not doing too much else,
not doing too much else. And so the idea that
we are not meant to feel pleasure and that we
are not meant to enjoy sex, and that sex is
just something that happens to us, to me, is just wild.
And so you know, you'd be forgiven for feeling like
(09:05):
I shouldn't be a slut, because you know, of course
society makes us feel terrible for daring to enjoy our
sex life. And so it is like this process of
peeling back the layers and removing all of that. You know,
we've spoken last the last episode about journaling and about
working through the shame and the stories that we grew
(09:29):
up with, and so sort of you know, starting with
that practice, but then also just like fully owning it.
What do you desire? You know, start exploring what it
is that you really really want to try in the bedroom.
Start seducing yourself. This is the most powerful practice I've
ever found. It's something that I talked about in the
(09:49):
previous episode as well. You know, this sensual movement, this
self touch, really allowing yourself to seduce yourself is going
to bring out you're inner slut as well. And then
voicing your desires and saying this is something like that
turns me on. I'd really like to try this with
you if you're sharing with a partner and fully own it.
(10:09):
You know, sometimes we can really i like to say,
like clock block our desires because we're afraid of judgment
from our partner. So start to really voice them, and
that will also allow your partner to share these are
the things that I'm really interested in. And when you're sharing.
It's really important not to ever yuck someone's yum. It's like, okay,
(10:31):
that's something that turns you on. It doesn't work for me,
but that's okay. And maybe I'm willing to compromise and
explore that with you, or maybe that's just a boundary
for me, But really, like, allow yourself to try things.
I think in the past, I want to say, in
the past two years, I feel like I have just
(10:52):
sort of opened up a whole new world. So I
used to have judgments about certain things and like, oh no,
I'm not that kind of person. I would never do that.
But secretly there's this little voice in the back of
my head that's like, well, that sounds kind of hot.
But the messages that I've received growing up, or from
TV or from media are like that's slutty, that's a bad.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
Thing to do.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
Only weird people do that, blah blah blah. And I
got to a point where I was like, you know what,
fuck it, I just want to try. I want to
explore and maybe it's for me and maybe it's not,
but I'm sick of holding myself back. And as well,
I've kind of found this evidence right that there was
one time that I didn't allow myself to experience X,
(11:35):
and then at one point I tried it and now
it's great and now I love it, and I've kind
of integrated that into my life, into my sex life,
and so that could potentially keep happening. And so if
I allow myself to own my desires and actually give
it a go and you know, embrace my inner slut,
pleasure is what's on the other side. Like shame can
(11:56):
go fuck off quite frankly, but pleasure is on the
other side. So yes, I know there might be judgment
from other people that might be like, oh gosh, how
dare you enjoy your own sex life?
Speaker 1 (12:10):
Probably don't hang out with those people.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
Don't have a fut Like, I'm going to actually live
this one life that I have, and I'm going to
enjoy my body for what it's designed to be enjoyed for,
and I'm going to explore because that's my progative.
Speaker 1 (12:25):
I even like even think about from the concept of
you know, like after you orgasm, you are like in
this energy of not only like pleasure, but it's like
everything feels hopeful, exciting, magical. It's like obviously it's like euphoria.
(12:47):
But it's like, you know, in that energy of anything
that feels like that, why would it be bad.
Speaker 3 (12:54):
That's not a bad thing at all.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
It's not a bad thing. And like, if you think
about the slot archetype being that rather than something you
saw on TV that because I think you can people
get murky with the slut archetype is like breaking up
a marriage or you know, those sorts of things. But
you need to separate that. You need to redefine what
(13:19):
the slot is for you and have your own definition
of what it means. And then yeah, like you said,
it's like, wouldn't you want to be in that energy
of pleasure euphoria, you know, even after the fact of
like everything just feels better, feels more exciting, Like that's
(13:39):
the vibe.
Speaker 3 (13:40):
That's the aliveness. And you know, one of the the
older definitions of the term slut was a woman unto herself,
and it was like this idea that you have your
own sovereignty, you are your own person, you choose I'm
a slut, I'm a big slot.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
I'm like.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
Just owning our slots over here totally exactly, and something
that you know you may not want to share because
it's a little I guess taboo, but I really feel
that the idea of slut shaming, it really provides fodder
for the you know, patriarchy that we exist in to continue.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
And so.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
If we are aware, deeply connected to the fact that
we can create pleasure and euphoria and bliss and transcendence
within our own body, and you know, maybe the sex
that you're having isn't necessarily like that, but it is possible.
If we know that that power is available just through
(14:46):
our body and our connection with ourselves and other people,
then we're not going to look to certain institutions to
tell us what to do. And this is where you know,
our society and culture is often very very intertwined with religion,
and so the church might have you believe that you
(15:07):
need to come here and praise this almighty figure and
anything that you do, especially in terms of sexuality, that's
going to take you away from godliness, from transcendence, that's
going to take you away, when really we know that
sex and pleasure can actually take you towards this openness,
(15:32):
this transcendence. But that's a threat to an institution that
is like, no, you must obey us. We are the
ones that are in power. We are the ones that
tell you what you can and cannot do, especially when
it comes to your body. And so I think that
it's really really intertwined. So allowing yourself to access your
(15:54):
pleasure and to reclaim your sexuality is a small act
of rebellion. You know what, It's not even a small actor.
It's a really fucking big act of rebellion and saying
I'm actually the one that is going to you know,
I'm going to experience God, the universe, transcendence, whatever it is,
through my body and not by someone else telling me
(16:16):
what this person, this this entity thinks about me and
my dildos.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
I love it so much. It's really like claiming that
energy back and claiming I love the word sovereignty. It's
like claiming that sovereignty of like owning who you are,
owning your body, owning your own pleasure. It's powerful, scarce people.
Yeah it is, And so of course being a slut
(16:45):
is shamed by the patriarchy and certain institutes because it
is powerful. Yeah, she's independent, Yeah, she's alive, Like, yeah,
she's totally tapped in and she's connected. Actually, I'm kind
of just putting this together right now. But any time
that I am tapped in connected, I kind of call
(17:08):
it like my higher self, Like I'm tapped into her,
I'm having the best sex of my life.
Speaker 3 (17:14):
Absolutely. Of course, you're embodying that you know, and you're
magnetic when you're tapped into who you are and what
you care about, and you're prioritizing your pleasure, no wonder,
your sex life is amazing.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
My word for twenty twenty four is pleasure.
Speaker 3 (17:30):
Oh I love that, so hear that.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
I feel like, yeah, no, I love that so much.
We went like, we really went deep in that question.
But thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (17:40):
Sorry, I can't help myself.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
How does traditional gender roles impact our understanding and expression
of sexuality? What challenges to individuals face when trying to
break free from these roles from the lens of sexuality.
Speaker 3 (17:59):
This is so fascinating because so this is something that
I've had a direct experience with in my own life.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Tells you tell us an example.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
It wasn't until I was thirty years old that I
realized I was bisexual, or allowing myself to realize that
I was bisexual. And when I first started dating women,
I didn't know what the fuck to do because I
had had so much experience dating men. I was like,
they're easy.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
I am a pro. That's easy. I can flirt with them.
Speaker 3 (18:39):
Like I can, I can seduce it. It's fine.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
I got it.
Speaker 3 (18:44):
And then suddenly I'm like faced with a woman, I'm like,
oh on, that's so pretty. I don't know what I'm doing?
Do I what do I do? I remember even going
on my first date with a woman, official date with
a woman, and I was talking to my houseman at
the time. I was like, I don't know what to where.
I was like, I had this perception that she was
really firm right in her hinge profile. It was like
(19:04):
flowy skirts and like long hair, and she was like
so beautiful, and I was like should I wear? What
should I wear? And so I ended up wearing like
pants and like a shirt. Like I felt as though
I had to dress masks because I was in this
like dynamic, and thankfully I've kind of figured my shit
(19:25):
out since that I can dress however I want. And
it's not about a masculine and a feminine vibe that
you need. I'm definitely about the polarity sort of conversation.
And I think that everything exists on a spectrum, and
so when it comes to really figuring out identity and
(19:49):
how you experience these different energies, sometimes it can really
limit us. We can go, oh, well, there's meant to
be the masculine and there's meant to be the feminine energy,
and one of us has to be each, and even
in queer couples, one of us has to be each,
and it can limit you from really experience experiencing deep
(20:13):
pleasure because you're so confined in this is the role
that I must adhere to. And so you know, talking
about like a heterosexual situation, and you're used to going, okay, well,
the man is meant to be masculine and they're meant
to be dominant, and so I'm the feminine and I'm
going to be submissive. But sometimes you're in a slut
(20:36):
is like I want to ride you and I want
to tell you what the fuck to do, and that
feels hot and empowering, right, But sometimes we'll talk ourselves
out of embodying the energy that we want to embody
and switching up the energy that we want to explore,
because no, that's not how it's meant to be. And
(20:56):
so I think it's really about like kind of like
queering your world a little bit and being like, you
know what, we can actually play in between the spectrum
and we can explore all different elements and see how
that feels. Because it's really fun to kind of put
on the other hat and go ooh, I'm going to
try this energy instead.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
You know what's so interesting? Me and Tim actually have
been doing that a lot. The concept we kind of got.
I think it's called like ranging or something like that,
where it's like, yeah, it's trying on the different not
archetypes or energies, but for example, you know, sometimes you know,
during sex, I want Tim to be super dominant and
(21:37):
super and it's usually what I realized. It's if I
have been dominant that day and I've been in like
my boss bitch mode and I'm like, I need to surrender.
I want you to be and it's having that clear
communication and then you know, we've also had other times
where Tim's like I just want you to tell me
(21:57):
what to do and take care of me beautiful, and
then you know, and I guess definitely having that communication
and stepping into that, I love that You're like, not,
it's not every time is like that just because I
asked for it once doesn't mean that's how I want
it every time, and really felling into what do I
want to try right now? Well, what I need in this,
(22:20):
and then communicating that with your partner, but also trying
things on absolutely. Like I remember Tim was saying how
he's like, oh, I really am enjoying right now you
being super feminine and so like I started dressing like
a little bit more feminine and it's like it's you know,
it's like you know, seducing him kind of thing, and hey,
(22:42):
you know he's really into it. And then you know,
sometimes I'll be, you know, in my suit, I'm going
to like some business sleeping and he's like, oh my god,
Like this is such a turn on, Like when you're domineering, Yeah,
the power and like not mean not making it mean
anything or getting stuck in da oh well they communicated
(23:02):
this once or expressed this once or I have to
do it every time, but just keeping that open conversation
about like, oh, like wouldn't it be fun to try this?
Like I read a lot of fantasy books. What are
you currently reading?
Speaker 3 (23:17):
Wait? I read a lot of Smart? Are you talking
about Smart?
Speaker 1 (23:19):
Yeah? Right, always all I read and yeah, so they'll
be like, you know, you'll read certain things and I'll
be like, let's try this.
Speaker 3 (23:33):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
And he also reads smart delicious.
Speaker 3 (23:36):
That's like that's the ideal, I know.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
And so he's also like it's so funny because I'll
see him like giggling or something at his book and
I'm like, what's happening and he would tell me and
he's like even if he's like so naughty. Yeah, And
then like we'll you know, talk about it, and I'll
be like, is that something you want to try? And
sometimes he's like absolutely not, this is And then sometimes
(24:02):
it's like, oh, it'd be fun to blah blah blah,
and you're still having that communication. But a big thing
we do in our relationship, we kind of call it
the black hole where I can say something to you
and I don't want you to take it not to heart,
but like take it as verbatim, like yeah, this is
now law. Yeah, And I think even having that conversation first,
(24:23):
but like I want to be able to like throw
things out in the relationship and like talk about different
things and you for you to just be like open
and be able to absorb it because sometimes you say
something and then after you're like I don't actually want
to try that, or like, you know, it's like it's
was on your mind and you want to talk about it,
but it doesn't actually mean it's like that's it.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
Yeah, I think that's a really really nice practice. I'm
gonna steal that, so thank you. Yeah, you know you.
We can just have these different things that we want
to try, and just because we tried it once doesn't
mean that that's we're signed up for life.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
Yeah, say with.
Speaker 3 (24:58):
Labels, like I think people get really really hung up.
I'm like, oh, but I was vegetarian for a while
and now I'm not like, oh, what's that label going
to mean? And do I have to choose this? And
is it me for life? Like no, try things out.
I love a little food analogy. So it's like, Okay,
maybe you've been eating pizza and pasta for four months
(25:21):
and you're like, okay, I'm really done yet pizza and
pasta and you're like, I could really go some sushi,
and it's like, okay, well, you don't have to eat
sushi for the rest of your life now. Just because
you're trying sushi, you have a whole Smoger's ward of
food available to you. You don't have to eat the same
thing every day. And just because you tried it once,
you know, sometimes you're like, oh, I'll try some caveat
(25:42):
and you're like, ooh, I don't like that. That's fine.
Just because you tried it once doesn't mean now you're
locked in. Yeah, as that type of person who eats cavia.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
Yeah, I love that. Letting go of the labels. Yeah, Yeah,
let's even get into the libido conversation, because we had
a lot of questions about, you know, how do I
increase my sex drive? What if his libido is different
to my libido? And I know you're actually going to
release a course on this soon. Yes, if I can
say that on here, of course you can. Thank you amazing.
(26:12):
And I would love to just like open that up
that conversation because again, I feel like there's a lot
of conditioning, there's a lot of like right and wrong.
So yeah, let's get into that.
Speaker 3 (26:22):
Yeah. Yeah, Honestly, this is the most common thing that
I have clients come to me with is sex drive libido, thinking,
oh my gosh, my sex drive is higher or lower
than my partners or I'm not feeling any desire for
sex and something must be wrong with me as a result,
I feel like I'm broken. That is the most heartbreaking
(26:44):
thing that I have heard, and unfortunately, I've heard it
so many times from clients saying I feel like I'm
broken and it's just because they aren't desiring sex at
all or in the way that their partner does. And
so we can easily create all of these stories and
the meaning behind why we're not desiring sex, and often
(27:05):
it can be oh, you must just not love your
partner enough, or you must not desire your partner you
don't find them sexy enough. And to be honest, libido
is the most layered and multifaceted, nuanced topic out there.
And yeah, I'm creating this clause like I told you,
but gosh, there is so much that goes into it.
(27:26):
And so from a sexological point of view, we need
to understand what are our desire types like I spoke
about in the previous episode, what are our breaks and accelerators,
the things that turn us on, the things that turn
us off. How do we like our partner to initiate
sex with us? Do we want it to be playful?
Do we want it to be explicitly erotic, do we
(27:48):
want it to be central and slow? How do we respond?
And when you understand these kinds of concepts, you can
start to really unpack why we might not be feeling
desire in the same way as our partner or the
same way as our previous self, because we also have
to take into account there's so many lifestyle factors that
(28:10):
impact your libido. You know, whether you've had a child recently,
whether you are parenting and you're not getting much time
to yourself, if you're having a really stressful time in
your work life, if your mental health or physical health
is suffering, if you're on SSRIs like. There are a
lot of things that can impact the way that you
experience desire, and none of them mean that there is
(28:34):
something wrong with you. You are not broken. You simply
need to just understand yourself a little bit more and
understand your partner and create a vocabulary so that you
can unlock your desire.
Speaker 1 (28:48):
That's beautiful, and I think also I loved what you
said in part one of the episode of You're Allowed
to go through Seasons. Yes, Like, even though I said
in part one, how you know I do have quite
a high libido in my relationship. It's like, very much
I'm the one who's like, let's go. I haven't always
(29:11):
been like that. Yeah, like there has been, you know,
seasons where I am very stressed or like you know,
things are happening, or you know, just shit is happening,
And so I think it's also I think people go
straight to I'm broken, that shame. But also I love
to look at any time you know, maybe I do
(29:34):
have a low libido. It's like, yeah, what's actually happening
in my life right now? And where am I actually
not giving myself love and compassion? Where am I not
connecting with myself? And I love that you do talk
about it's not just a one thing or you should
try this, because yeah, like that's it's very not silly,
(29:55):
but it's like it's not a one dimensional thing.
Speaker 3 (29:59):
No, not at all. There's so many factors that can
play into it. And I love that you have that
moment of reflection of like, Okay, well if my libido
is low right now, what could be playing a part?
And I always really love to encourage people to look
at the relationship. Is there some sort of festering resentment
(30:20):
for your partner that might have been there for years,
and you're not feeling fully seen, fully heard, fully accepted,
fully loved by them. And if you are feeling like
this person doesn't get me, this person doesn't help me,
I don't feel supported, then why would you want to
(30:40):
have sex with that person? You know it makes sense,
and so sometimes the libido the sex drive fix isn't
about the sex, It's about the relationship. And on another level,
like you mentioned with the self love, are you seducing yourself?
Do you have for yourself? Are you masturbating? Like are
(31:03):
you feeling any connection with your sexuality or are you
simply expecting to turn it on for another person or
are you expecting your partner to turn it on for you?
And maybe they don't have a connection. They're not feeling
sexy themselves, They're not feeling any connection to their sexuality.
And how can you really encourage that?
Speaker 1 (31:26):
I love that spoken so beautifully. Thank you. Another great question,
how does societal pressure to conform to a certain beauty
standard affect our sexual confidence? And do you have any
strategies that we can cultivate a positive body image and
boost self esteem in the bedroom?
Speaker 3 (31:46):
Oh? I love this yes, absolutely. It plays a big role.
When we assume that we need to look or be
a certain way in general, we're going to almost minimize
ourselves and we're not going to fully express who we
are and our bodies. We're not going to feel comfortable
(32:07):
showing up naked, being on top. But these are the
things that a lot of people come to me with, Like,
it feels really uncomfortable because I'm not satisfied with the
way that I look or present because of societal beauty standards, right,
and beauty standards are so fucked up because they change constantly.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
So true, it's ridiculous, so hard to keep up.
Speaker 3 (32:31):
It's like, okay, well, one one era you're meant to
look like this, and the other era you're meant to
look like the complete opposite to be considered so called beautiful.
And so it really can play a huge role in
how we see ourselves and if we see ourselves as
sexy or not, because sometimes we have this idea of like, oh,
(32:53):
a sexy person is X, Y, Z, and I don't
have those things, so therefore I mustn't be sexy. And
so my invitation to you is, how can you find
yourself sexier? How can you like kind of just let
those the conditioning just like kind of like flick that
off to the side and go these are the ways
that I'm going to seduce myself. These are the ways
(33:14):
that I'm going to feel into my sexiness and also recognizing.
So sometimes we hold ourselves back because we're like, oh,
I don't want my partner to see me naked. I
don't want them to see like you know that angle.
I was talking to a friend yesterday about like being
on top and how sometimes especially if you have like
bigger boobs. Mine an't aren't that as big, but she's
(33:36):
got very large boobs, and she's like, oh, well, when
I lean over if I'm on top, like my moobs
sag down and like they're hanging. And that was a concern,
And you know, we have all these different things that
we might be thinking about and up in our heads
about like oh, like are they seeing this, are they
seeing that stretch mark or like that pimple? At whatever,
(33:57):
the end of the day, this person's having sex with you.
They are stoked, they have one lottery right, they are keen.
This person already finds you so desirable. So allow yourself
to get out of your head and go, I am
a goddess, Like how fucking sexy am I to be
(34:18):
in this room being totally worshiped by this other person.
This person wants to like lick my clip, Okay, go
for it. Provide me with that pleasure. I deserve it. It
has nothing to do with all of the random little
things that we are sold products to fix that are
(34:40):
simply just human bodies being bodies. And so really like
trying to unpack that and remind yourself check yourself in
that moment when you go, oh, what are they thinking
of this? This? And that go they're thinking, fuck, yeah,
I'm having sex with this goddess okay, and then like
own that, fully own it, be like yes, you know what,
(35:02):
You're welcome, you are having sex with me right now,
like congrats.
Speaker 1 (35:08):
I also think there's such a conversation for like everything
is energy and if you like you said, I own
bodying that, like no, I am a goddess, Like this
is a privilege right now. Yes, And also you're again
mirroring that for that person and like I think they
(35:28):
can feel that energy when you're showing up and you're
like no, like if and that's the thing is you
can still be working through certain things, but you can
still step into that energy of like no, like I
am magnetizing, I am you know, sexy in my own right,
I am like I am me. No one's me, like
(35:50):
my favorite saying, ever, it's like, no one is me,
and that's my power. Yeah, Like, and I'm here and
I'm in this experience and I'm committing to the experience,
and I I'm going to be fully present. They will
feel that energy like I can feel when I'm having
sex with Tim and if he's not really present, I'm like,
get your head in the game because I can feel
it and it's not doesn't feel good totally. He's like
(36:12):
all right, l right, sor I don't thinking about that exactly,
and then like and I will also do it. And
even like this is obviously such a conversation of like
if I can't orgasm, it's because I'm up in my
head and I'm like not being present. And if I
drop in and I'm like, relax, get into your body,
and I'll be like to him, I'm like we needed
(36:32):
a bit more full play. Like let's like get present
and then I step into that energy. Like such a
difference in the experience. He can feel it. I can
feel it, and when you're thinking from the lens of energy,
that's like it doesn't look a certain way. Yes, And
I think that's what I really come back to in
(36:54):
those moments of like, it doesn't actually matter how I look,
it's how I'm being in this moment, talent and bodying.
Speaker 3 (37:01):
That's so beautiful.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
Yeah, thank you just thought about then. That's even like
I saw a great question from the community and she
was saying that she hasn't been able to come after
giving birth. Yea, so they've been having sex again and
she's like, oh, I can't come anymore. Like what would
you say to that person?
Speaker 3 (37:23):
Yeah, So I think that that could be grounded in
a disconnection to your own body when I have no
experience of giving birth. I'm not a parent, but from
working with clients, I think that it's very common to
feel this disconnection with your body because suddenly it's not
necessarily yours anymore. You're sharing it and sustaining a life,
(37:48):
and so now it's almost like you're viewing your body
as for its purpose. You know, I'm existing only to
keep this newborn alive, and so a lot of new
mothers feel this disconnection with their body. It's like I
don't know it anymore. And so I would really encourage
(38:08):
you to step back and start to connect more with
your physical body and reclaim a little bit of that.
Of course, you can't just be like, you know what,
titties are off limits.
Speaker 1 (38:22):
Hate these are I but like take some.
Speaker 3 (38:26):
Time or just like allow your mind to drift back
to this is mine and I am worthy of feeling
pleasure and I can also be a sexual person and
a mother.
Speaker 1 (38:44):
I love that. Yeah, that's important.
Speaker 3 (38:47):
I think that holds a lot of people back.
Speaker 1 (38:49):
Again, it's not putting yourself in the box of I'm
not just a mum anymore. I get to also have
my identity and be also my own person exactly.
Speaker 3 (39:00):
There's this really really interesting concept called the Madonna horde dichotomy.
Have you heard of this no, So it's the idea
that you've got the madonna, which is like the archetype
of like the virgin, the really like beautiful, cure chase woman,
and then you've got the whore, and you cannot possibly
(39:21):
be both. You're either a sexually liberated slutty woman or
you are a virginal, which is ridiculous because you can't
be a virgin if you're a mother, but the virginal, innocent,
pure mother figure and never the train shull meet. And
so this is what society kind of lumps women into.
(39:44):
Either you're one or the other. You're a pure good girl,
you're a mum. You are just this innocent, virginal sort
of you know, not sexual remotely at all. Or you're
a total slot and you like sex and this is
the reason that you exist. But you couldn't possibly be
(40:04):
a mother who enjoys sex, right, And we take that
on because that's some serious societal conditioning that we have
thrust upon us. And so if you're a mother, it
would make a lot of sense that you would feel like, shit,
I can't access my sexuality anymore, or I feel like
I'm not meant to and I can't be taken seriously
(40:26):
as a mum if I'm also a sexually liberated woman.
And so it's really like, that's what we need to
reckon with is embodying and kind of bringing the two
archetypes together and recognizing that you're a multi faceted person
and you have so many different layers to yourself and
you are allowed to be both.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
I love that and even like doing some journaling on
like where, like what identities am I currently playing into
and how is it serving me? But also not serving me?
Because a lot of things with like identity work that
I do is you're usually playing into it because it's
serving you. At some it's giving you some sort of benefit.
Other those you wouldn't be doing it. But it's also like, yeah,
(41:12):
let's see the benefits, but also let's see where it's
not serving you, so you can give your brain the
evidence of like I don't actually have to fully play
into this identity and only be boxed into one identity.
Speaker 3 (41:25):
Yeah, definitely, I love that.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
A sensitive question, do you have any recommendations on how
we can work to let our guard down for future
partners after experiencing trauma sexual trauma in a previous relationship.
Speaker 3 (41:41):
Yeah, this is a big and unfortunately incredibly common question
and experience that a lot of people have gone through,
and for me, my first suggestion is always working with
a certified counselor psychologist psychiatrist to really work through that trauma,
(42:04):
because there's only so much that you can do yourself,
and that's really really vital. So you know in my work,
if someone comes to me and they're wanting to explore
sexuality and they have had a history of sexual trauma
or abuse, my first question is are you working with
someone or have you worked with someone a professional in
this space, because that's going to be key. So yeah,
(42:27):
I would absolutely recognize that first and speaking as openly
as you feel comfortable with with your partner about your history,
because it's important that you don't retrigger yourself. And firstly,
you might not know what your triggers are. Psychologists can
(42:47):
help you figure that out, but recognizing that there might
be moments when you're intimate with a partner in any sense,
maybe it's making out, maybe it's having sex, that something
might come up and you might be triggered in that moment,
And so having a really open and honest conversation with
(43:08):
your partner about what your triggers could be and what
you or how you might react in a moment of
being triggered, and what you need to feel soothed and
safe if it should come up. Having a partner that
you do really trust as well, because trust is going
to be a big topic when you have had it
(43:31):
broken in such a horrendous way, and so taking that
time to recognize this is a person that I can
trust and maybe even taking them to therapy too and saying, hey,
I want to work through this. This is a relationship
that I am invested in, and I recognize that my
past is going to play a role in how I
(43:53):
show up in this relationship. And I need my partner
to understand this. And if your partner cannot hold space
for you and recognize the depth of and the way
that trauma impacts you and anybody, then potentially not for you.
Like you deserve a partner who is going to show
(44:14):
up for you and really do everything in their power
to make you feel safe.
Speaker 1 (44:21):
That's beautiful.
Speaker 3 (44:22):
Thank you so much for thing on emotional.
Speaker 1 (44:26):
That's so so important, and it's yeah, what you said
at the end is like so heartbreaking that people go
through that, but also like you do get to have
that safety.
Speaker 3 (44:40):
Yeah, you deserve safety, and that's the key thing. Like
we all deserve to feel safe around our relationships and
our sexuality, and so often we don't. And so whatever
you can do to build that is going to be
so powerful.
Speaker 1 (44:56):
Thank you so much. Seeking on that last two questions
from the community how can I talk to my partner
if I want to spice up our sex life?
Speaker 3 (45:06):
This is a fun one.
Speaker 1 (45:08):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (45:09):
So firstly, again you can blame me and you can
be like, oh, listen to this podcast with the sex educator.
Let's talk about our sex life. Ways to spice up
your sex life. Okay. We spoke before about smart Yes, yeah,
tell us, which we love.
Speaker 1 (45:24):
I've already encouraged my whole audience.
Speaker 3 (45:26):
Yes, I actually have a free book club. It's called
Smart Slut.
Speaker 1 (45:30):
Shut the fuck up, I will not.
Speaker 3 (45:32):
It is so hot because I got them all, all
the recommendations for me and my community, and like spice rating.
Speaker 1 (45:40):
What is this just on your Instagram?
Speaker 3 (45:41):
It's just on Telegram.
Speaker 1 (45:43):
You just joined for free, Like watch me in that
this afternoon.
Speaker 3 (45:46):
Exactly, and I see your recommendations.
Speaker 1 (45:48):
We went on, Yeah, we went to raise for our
anniversary and I was like, I said to Tim, it
was like the second date. I'm reading this book right
now and it's like it's not it. And I said
to him, I kind of feel a bit of annoyed
this trip because I haven't got a good money book.
And He's like, get it sorted, go get some records, please,
(46:09):
like it actually was. Yeah, so I'm so glad. I'll
take that right out.
Speaker 3 (46:13):
I've got like different levels, so like Spice rating level
one to five amazing, and so people can kind of
choose their own adventure.
Speaker 1 (46:21):
Amazing. But I really just doing God's work.
Speaker 3 (46:25):
Oh thank you. I think that's smart. And reading erotica,
even listening to erotica is a really nice way to
kind of create this little steady simmer, you know, for
your libido.
Speaker 1 (46:39):
You're just like I'm almost just like a little.
Speaker 3 (46:41):
Bit horny because I'm listening to my nasty book.
Speaker 1 (46:45):
Literally like actually, like the difference that smutty books has
made to my libido is wild. But not even like
sexually towards him, like yes, but even like towards life.
Speaker 3 (47:02):
Oh totally, isn't it. While it's the best thing ever.
I go on what I like to call smut girl walks,
so I'll be listening to a smutty book and I'm
just walking. I'm like, oh, yes, good morning, and I
held okay, I know sometimes I it's so funny.
Speaker 1 (47:22):
I think it was yeah, No, it was my friend
who she jumped in the car and my audiobook was
playing and it was like at a very specific point
and she just looks at me and I'm like, yeah,
this is where.
Speaker 3 (47:35):
I'm at, what I do on my free time.
Speaker 1 (47:37):
What of it? Okay, perfect smutty books take one way.
Speaker 3 (47:44):
And yeah, you know, if your partner is open to
listening or reading smutty books.
Speaker 1 (47:48):
As well, So a ps if you want to get
your partner into the smart books. What I said to
Tim was it was all about like reading books, like
being present. And I was like, this is he's into boxing.
I'm like, this is a boxing book. Oh great, you know,
like so find like an interest and we like it's
a book about their interests.
Speaker 3 (48:08):
A boxer, yeah, and then the things that they do.
Speaker 1 (48:11):
Yeah, but now it's all about it because he understands it.
Speaker 3 (48:15):
Really. I love that. So otherwise, to kind of spice
up your sex life, I have a practice in one
of my workbooks that is the yes, No, maybe List,
and so it's essentially like a sexual desires list and
going through that together. So it's basically this list of
all these different sexual acts and things that you might
(48:37):
want to try, you know, and it might go from
threesomes to spanking or whatever, and each of you will
answer yes, no or maybe yep, I'm into it. No absolutely,
not all maybe interested in trying. And so then you
compare your lists. If you've got some yes's amazing, put
them aside for like a future list of things to
do together. If one is a yes and a maybe,
(48:59):
then give that a try and then see if the
maybe turns into a yes or no. If anyone has
a no, then it's just off the list altogether, non negotiable.
And this is a really fun way to just explore
different things that you might not have even thought about
trying before. I've got a whole bunch of things on
this list. There's also this very fun app that I'm
(49:19):
actually playing with a lover right now, and it's called
ex Confessions, and so it's essentially the idea of the yes, No,
maybe list, but it's in like a Tinder style game,
and so you swipe yes or no, and it'll be
like I want to watch you masturbate and you'll be
like I'm into that, or like I want to be
(49:39):
tied up and you're like, I'm not into that, and
then your partner will play it as well. You connect
accounts and then it creates a list of all the
things that you matched on love very fun.
Speaker 1 (49:51):
Apps are so fun, so.
Speaker 3 (49:52):
Fun, and it's like things like this, It again creates
that steady simmer because it's like we're not just talking
about sex when we're having said where like throughout the day,
when I'm like on a little break from work, I'm
doing a little swipe and I'm like, oh God, I
want to try these things. And then it's building that
desire and that aroused and I'm like, oh yeah, I'm
feeling much more interest in sex, and by the time
(50:14):
I see my lover, I'm like, oh, let's get it on.
Speaker 1 (50:17):
Yeah. Interesting. And also I think the biggest thing too,
with the spicing thing up, spicing things up, it's like
it's the communication that makes it spicy, totally, like talking
to them about the things, exploring the things, having that
connection is.
Speaker 3 (50:34):
So huge, totally, it's massive.
Speaker 1 (50:37):
I love that. The last question, and I know from
your highlights, I did do my research. I know that
you have some experience in this. How do you ask
your partner for a threesome and what could that look like?
Speaker 3 (50:55):
Okay, I love talking about threesomes. Tell us mores, I
am a relatively experienced unicorn, which is essentially like when
you're the third, So how do you ask?
Speaker 1 (51:08):
Which just says how to ask your partner for a threesome?
Speaker 3 (51:11):
Okay, amazing, how to ask someone for a threesome? I
think firstly it's important to recognize that this could be
quite triggering because the story that tends to come up
is what do you mean I'm not good enough for you? Yeah?
I'm not enough, And so we need to frame it
properly and say, like, I love our sex life so much,
and there's some really fun things that I'd like to try.
(51:34):
You know, maybe if you're by or you haven't had
much experience with people of the same sex or gender,
then maybe you can express that like, well, there's something
that I'd like to explore, and like I have a
desire to be with another woman for example. Do you
think that's something that you'd find hot? Do you desire
that as well? You can also play like, for example,
the Sexual Desires game do the list and threesomes is
(51:58):
one of the things on there, and see if you
matt that right, and be really open to the fact
that Okay, if they're not into it, we can't force it, right,
we have to be understanding, but also just sort of
coming at it from this angle of I want to
experience this with you. This is going to be something
(52:19):
that I think could be really, really fun and connected,
as opposed to you're not enough and I need someone
else there to turn me on. So that's how people
can assume. And in my experience having threesomes, I've only
ever been the third I haven't had been in a
couple and had someone join. But in those situations, something
(52:41):
that I love about it is I get to see
this beautiful relationship that has so much trust and communication
where they have decided that they're going to explore and
invite someone in, and the way that they connect with
one another and check in with one another throughout. Its
(53:02):
honestly like some inspiring. Sometimes I'm like, because are so cute,
now ravish me? It loves really lovely, and like, I
think that it can be done so well. Never ever
approach a threesome from the point of view that our relationship,
our sex life is dwindling and let's spice it up
by adding someone else into the mix. It's not fair
(53:24):
on your relationship, it's not fair on the other person
as well. You don't ever want to invite someone into
a flailing relationship. Interesting threesomes will not fix a relationship,
will not fix a dwindling sex life. Only ever do
it consciously.
Speaker 1 (53:40):
Like almost like from overflow, Like our sex life is
so good, I love you so much and I'm so
into it, and let's try this because it could be fun.
Speaker 3 (53:48):
Totally, we're both so secure and now we're going to
explore more. Not all this isn't enough For all, I'm
not getting what I want or like I'll try and
be sexier somehow by pretending I'm the cool girl that's
fine with inviting a third Yeah, no, really I'm not.
And I'm going to get triggered. And it's good to
break our relationship down.
Speaker 1 (54:10):
And I also I love that you brought that up too.
Speaker 3 (54:12):
Of like.
Speaker 1 (54:14):
This is with anythink of like if your partner wants
to try something and it's a boundary for you, stick
to your boundaries. Yes, don't try and be the cool
girl who tries you know. The bunch of things is
like even if it's like maybe it's a goal you
want to get to. That point is like working with
someone doing you know, doing the work to feel secure,
but stick to your boundaries because it's so empowering. Yeah,
(54:39):
and it's like, your sexual experience should be empowering, it
should feel good, it should feel safe and grounded.
Speaker 3 (54:49):
Definitely. I think that's so important, incredibly important. Without boundaries,
we're just sort of like flailing in the wind.
Speaker 1 (54:57):
We don't want that, we don't want with boundary queens. Yeah, yeah, Wow,
this episode has been so spicy, so fun. You have
given us so many beautiful tips, and I think what
I get from you know part one and part two
is just like, first of all, how much you know
(55:19):
sex is so much just about communication and connection and
opening up and having these conversations, like how fun it
gets to be, how empowering it gets to be. So
thank you so much for chatting to me in the
community today. It has it's been incredible. We'll make sure
we link you and all the things in the show notes,
(55:39):
but thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (55:41):
Such a pleasure, Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (55:47):
Thank you so much for listening to another episode of
the Rise and Conquer Podcast. If you enjoyed it and
want more, come connect with us on Instagram at Riseinconquer
dot podcas and join our Facebook discussion group a Rise
and Conker podcast community. We're an independent podcast and we
have a small team, so we do appreciate your time
(56:10):
and support. If you have a spare moment, a follow
or subscribe on whatever platform you listen to would be
so amazing. And look, if you're feeling extra kind, a
review on Apple Podcasts would be great.
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