January 18, 2023 • 9 mins
Summer Series
Topics included in this episode -
- What to do when you're kids say they're bored!
Find us on Facebook at Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families
Email us your questions and comments at podcasts@happyfamilies.com.au
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See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Time poor parent who just wants answers.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Now, okay, I have two words for you, missus Happy Families.
Two words, and I would like your reaction to them.
This unscripted. I have no idea what you're going to
say when I say these two words. Are you ready?
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Uh huh?
Speaker 1 (00:24):
I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
You know every parent will have heard those words more
times than they want. But it's so funny. Literally, just
the other day, Emily came to me and said, Mom,
can I watch the TV? And we have to hide
the remote or else The TV is on twenty four
to seven, and so I didn't actually answer her. I
(00:57):
closed the door to my bedroom so I can go
and collect it. And when I returned, literally thirty seconds later,
instead of her being there frustrated, she'd actually picked up
a book and she was sitting there reading. And had
I have been just a second smarter, a second faster,
I actually wouldn't have given her the remote. She didn't
(01:18):
need it. Yeah, but just like us, our kids go
for the quick fix, so when they're bored, there isn't
in their mind, there isn't a quick fix, and they
want they want instant gratification. But if we can just
extend them a little bit, more times than not, they
find something that is so much more gratifying to actually
(01:40):
participate in than what they're asking for or what they're
suggesting they can't have if we just give them the
time to work it out.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
So I've got a couple of things to say about that.
The first thing is I've found when the kids come
to me and say that on board and I start
to give them a list of things that they could do,
you know what I wouldn't do that, that's right. I'm like, well,
hang on, you're telling me that you're bored, and I've
just given you six options, six alternatives, six things that
you could do, and you don't do any of them,
so you're obviously not that bored. Like it drives me
(02:10):
up the wall. But what they're really saying is I'm
bored and I know what I want. I want. I
don't know the TV, the TV, I want games, I
want whatever it might be. And when we don't give
them that thing that they want, it's.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Just like I'm hungry. That nothing healthy is is what
they want. They just want the sugary drink.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Yeah, good one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm agree. We'll go
and have a piece of fruit, go and have a carrot.
And they're like, I'm like, well, you're not hungry, So
funny you say that. The other thought that I had
was that, And I want to kind of be gentle
with what I say here. It's not our job as
parents to solve our children's boredom problems.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
Well, if we continue to do that, then they find
themselves in a position where they don't actually know how
to self regulate, how to self soothe, how to work
things out for themselves.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
How to solve their boredom problems. Yeah, that's exactly right.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
Now.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
I want to be with this though, because every now
and again we actually do have some responsibility in terms
of what they're doing. Like, it's important we give them
an environment where there are options, where they have some
capacity to choose activities that are enriching. Otherwise they will
just sit in front of the TV. So they do
(03:20):
they own a bicycle? Is it safe for them to
ride down the street or go to the park. Do
we have toys and games and books? Do we have
a puppy? Do we have a backyard, a trampoline, a
swing set? Like, what do we have that will facilitate
some kind of play? Do they have neighbors or cousins
or somebody that they can play with. I think that
as parents, we do have. While it's up to the
(03:41):
kids to ultimately work out what they're going to do,
we've got to make sure that they're not in an
impoverished environment where there's nothing to do except stare at
a screen.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
So my best friend growing up, she lived behind me,
and there was no fence between our houses, so we
could just walk between our properties and what was so
much fun. I lived on a flat block, but she
lived below me, so when it was wet, it would
get very mossy and we'd end up sliding down the
hill to get to each other's to see each other,
(04:11):
and it was just so there was so much more
to do at her house. It felt her house was
set up to have fun and her parents had actually that.
The dining table was just a small dining table in
a very small room, But next to the dining table
was this cupboard. It was completely full of art supplies
and so most afternoons, after score, I would go down
(04:34):
to Sarah's house and we would sit at the dining
table had windows that looked out onto the street, and
we would just create. It was no thought that we
could be bored because the cupboard was there and we
had access to all the sticky tape we could want,
the staples, the cardboard, the recycling materials, colored paper, create
(04:56):
paper pom poms. It was just all there and it
was one of my favorite memories are with my best
friend at her kitchen table.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
I'm so glad they shared that that's beautiful. I'm going
to add as well, I think that younger kids do
need more assistance than older kids. Like I said before,
it's not our job to solve our kids brought and problems.
But the younger child, the more supervision that they do need,
and the more the more we do have a level
of responsibility to assist them when they're saying, I'm stark
(05:25):
on board, I've got nothing to do.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
So one of the best things that I learned through
my childcare training was not having everything out at once.
You know, so you'll have a selection of toys, but
rotate them, put some away so that when they come
out they're fresh because they haven't seen them for a month.
You know, Emily loves Lego, but she goes through phases
with it. So when she's had enough of it and
(05:48):
we're not seeing her play with it, I actually just
put it away and then it will come out three
four months later and it's like she's never seen Wiko before.
There's a renewed energy around it. So with your younger kids,
you know, a great way to kind of help with
that process is just put two or three different activities
out for them that they can choose to play with
(06:09):
that you're not dictating what they play with, but they're
available to them. If things are put away in boxes
and you know behind closed doors, kids don't see them.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
Yeah that's right. They don't open it up and say, oh,
let me explore all the way back here.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
But just like you and I, if you open up
a cupboard and there's so much in there, there's almost
a sense of overwhelming you don't know what to choose.
So for our younger kids, giving them a few options
that are available and out is going to be a
huge winner.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
So I'm going to share two other ideas that are
important I think for this conversation. Then we need to
wrap it up The first is that there's a belief
that's often promoted on Instagram and the mummy blogs and
that sort of thing that we should let our kids
be bored. It's good for them. If they're bored, they'll
become creative. You see.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
I don't agree with that.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
No, Well, the research doesn't support it either. There's limited,
if any, research that really supports that idea. It's kind
of become this popsych myth that's exploded and everyone's like, oh, yeah,
let the kids be bored. What happens when the kids
are bored?
Speaker 2 (07:07):
I think what they're actually trying to say is let
your children have autonomy and the choices they make, but
to actually revel in their bordness, that.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
Bored We can have boredness if you want.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
Is where we end with the flower all over the kitchen, yeah,
you sare? Or lipstick all over the walls.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Yeah. It's great if the kids have got some unstructured
time in the appropriate environment, in an enriching environment. But
what data actually shows is that boredom, especially when boredom
is long lasting and continual, it's associated with depression, it's
associated with anxieties, it's associated with It's true that the
kids might become creative, but they've become creative in a
whole lot of ways that you don't want them to
(07:49):
become creative. They actually or in.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
Some ways, I feel like they become lifeless.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Yeah, that's exactly right, because life feels hopeless.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
Yeah, so there's no light in their day because nothing,
there's nothing to be excited about. There's nothing that actually
creates a sense of curiosity.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
Exactly exactly. So boredom is generally not actually good for kids,
unless it's a facilitated kind of boredom. That I mean,
when the kids come to us and they say I'm bored,
we'll say, well, how can we help you with that?
That's really I think the best response, how can we
help you with that? Or what option can you think of?
But the last thing that I want to highlight is
if the kids are bored, it's amazing how good it
(08:28):
feels to get involved. It's amazing how good it feels
to say, you know what, let me stop what I'm
doing and let's hang out. Let's do that thing. What
would you like to do together? You feel good, they
feel good, everyone feels connected. It's just really really great.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
Well, I've actually never thought about it and literally until
you said that. But when our kids come to us
and say they're bored, is that maybe not a bit
for connection?
Speaker 1 (08:49):
Yeah it could be. Yeah, I like that. I'd not
a thought of it either. I'm saying it without even
realizing that I'm saying it. So we hope that if
the school holidays as they move ever so slowly and
warmly towards an end, creating a bit of I'm bored,
hopefully a few of the things we've talked about today
will be helpful for you. Tomorrow, we're going to have
a conversation about routine. Why well, if you're in Queensland,
(09:11):
the school holidays are officially finished for Queenslanders next week.
I guess it depends on whether you've got your kids
in a public or a private school as to what
day they head back, and there's only one week to
go for the Act New South Wales, Victoria, South Australia, WA,
THENT and Tazzy. So we're going to talk routines tomorrow
on the podcast. We'll see you then. It's The Happy
Family's podcast summer series.
It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Time poor parent who just wants answers.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Now, okay, I have two words for you, missus Happy Families.
Two words, and I would like your reaction to them.
This unscripted. I have no idea what you're going to
say when I say these two words. Are you ready?
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Uh huh?
Speaker 1 (00:24):
I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
You know every parent will have heard those words more
times than they want. But it's so funny. Literally, just
the other day, Emily came to me and said, Mom,
can I watch the TV? And we have to hide
the remote or else The TV is on twenty four
to seven, and so I didn't actually answer her. I
(00:57):
closed the door to my bedroom so I can go
and collect it. And when I returned, literally thirty seconds later,
instead of her being there frustrated, she'd actually picked up
a book and she was sitting there reading. And had
I have been just a second smarter, a second faster,
I actually wouldn't have given her the remote. She didn't
(01:18):
need it. Yeah, but just like us, our kids go
for the quick fix, so when they're bored, there isn't
in their mind, there isn't a quick fix, and they
want they want instant gratification. But if we can just
extend them a little bit, more times than not, they
find something that is so much more gratifying to actually
(01:40):
participate in than what they're asking for or what they're
suggesting they can't have if we just give them the
time to work it out.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
So I've got a couple of things to say about that.
The first thing is I've found when the kids come
to me and say that on board and I start
to give them a list of things that they could do,
you know what I wouldn't do that, that's right. I'm like, well,
hang on, you're telling me that you're bored, and I've
just given you six options, six alternatives, six things that
you could do, and you don't do any of them,
so you're obviously not that bored. Like it drives me
(02:10):
up the wall. But what they're really saying is I'm
bored and I know what I want. I want. I
don't know the TV, the TV, I want games, I
want whatever it might be. And when we don't give
them that thing that they want, it's.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Just like I'm hungry. That nothing healthy is is what
they want. They just want the sugary drink.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Yeah, good one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm agree. We'll go
and have a piece of fruit, go and have a carrot.
And they're like, I'm like, well, you're not hungry, So
funny you say that. The other thought that I had
was that, And I want to kind of be gentle
with what I say here. It's not our job as
parents to solve our children's boredom problems.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
Well, if we continue to do that, then they find
themselves in a position where they don't actually know how
to self regulate, how to self soothe, how to work
things out for themselves.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
How to solve their boredom problems. Yeah, that's exactly right.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
Now.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
I want to be with this though, because every now
and again we actually do have some responsibility in terms
of what they're doing. Like, it's important we give them
an environment where there are options, where they have some
capacity to choose activities that are enriching. Otherwise they will
just sit in front of the TV. So they do
(03:20):
they own a bicycle? Is it safe for them to
ride down the street or go to the park. Do
we have toys and games and books? Do we have
a puppy? Do we have a backyard, a trampoline, a
swing set? Like, what do we have that will facilitate
some kind of play? Do they have neighbors or cousins
or somebody that they can play with. I think that
as parents, we do have. While it's up to the
(03:41):
kids to ultimately work out what they're going to do,
we've got to make sure that they're not in an
impoverished environment where there's nothing to do except stare at
a screen.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
So my best friend growing up, she lived behind me,
and there was no fence between our houses, so we
could just walk between our properties and what was so
much fun. I lived on a flat block, but she
lived below me, so when it was wet, it would
get very mossy and we'd end up sliding down the
hill to get to each other's to see each other,
(04:11):
and it was just so there was so much more
to do at her house. It felt her house was
set up to have fun and her parents had actually that.
The dining table was just a small dining table in
a very small room, But next to the dining table
was this cupboard. It was completely full of art supplies
and so most afternoons, after score, I would go down
(04:34):
to Sarah's house and we would sit at the dining
table had windows that looked out onto the street, and
we would just create. It was no thought that we
could be bored because the cupboard was there and we
had access to all the sticky tape we could want,
the staples, the cardboard, the recycling materials, colored paper, create
(04:56):
paper pom poms. It was just all there and it
was one of my favorite memories are with my best
friend at her kitchen table.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
I'm so glad they shared that that's beautiful. I'm going
to add as well, I think that younger kids do
need more assistance than older kids. Like I said before,
it's not our job to solve our kids brought and problems.
But the younger child, the more supervision that they do need,
and the more the more we do have a level
of responsibility to assist them when they're saying, I'm stark
(05:25):
on board, I've got nothing to do.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
So one of the best things that I learned through
my childcare training was not having everything out at once.
You know, so you'll have a selection of toys, but
rotate them, put some away so that when they come
out they're fresh because they haven't seen them for a month.
You know, Emily loves Lego, but she goes through phases
with it. So when she's had enough of it and
(05:48):
we're not seeing her play with it, I actually just
put it away and then it will come out three
four months later and it's like she's never seen Wiko before.
There's a renewed energy around it. So with your younger kids,
you know, a great way to kind of help with
that process is just put two or three different activities
out for them that they can choose to play with
(06:09):
that you're not dictating what they play with, but they're
available to them. If things are put away in boxes
and you know behind closed doors, kids don't see them.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
Yeah that's right. They don't open it up and say, oh,
let me explore all the way back here.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
But just like you and I, if you open up
a cupboard and there's so much in there, there's almost
a sense of overwhelming you don't know what to choose.
So for our younger kids, giving them a few options
that are available and out is going to be a
huge winner.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
So I'm going to share two other ideas that are
important I think for this conversation. Then we need to
wrap it up The first is that there's a belief
that's often promoted on Instagram and the mummy blogs and
that sort of thing that we should let our kids
be bored. It's good for them. If they're bored, they'll
become creative. You see.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
I don't agree with that.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
No, Well, the research doesn't support it either. There's limited,
if any, research that really supports that idea. It's kind
of become this popsych myth that's exploded and everyone's like, oh, yeah,
let the kids be bored. What happens when the kids
are bored?
Speaker 2 (07:07):
I think what they're actually trying to say is let
your children have autonomy and the choices they make, but
to actually revel in their bordness, that.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
Bored We can have boredness if you want.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
Is where we end with the flower all over the kitchen, yeah,
you sare? Or lipstick all over the walls.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Yeah. It's great if the kids have got some unstructured
time in the appropriate environment, in an enriching environment. But
what data actually shows is that boredom, especially when boredom
is long lasting and continual, it's associated with depression, it's
associated with anxieties, it's associated with It's true that the
kids might become creative, but they've become creative in a
whole lot of ways that you don't want them to
(07:49):
become creative. They actually or in.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
Some ways, I feel like they become lifeless.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Yeah, that's exactly right, because life feels hopeless.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
Yeah, so there's no light in their day because nothing,
there's nothing to be excited about. There's nothing that actually
creates a sense of curiosity.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
Exactly exactly. So boredom is generally not actually good for kids,
unless it's a facilitated kind of boredom. That I mean,
when the kids come to us and they say I'm bored,
we'll say, well, how can we help you with that?
That's really I think the best response, how can we
help you with that? Or what option can you think of?
But the last thing that I want to highlight is
if the kids are bored, it's amazing how good it
(08:28):
feels to get involved. It's amazing how good it feels
to say, you know what, let me stop what I'm
doing and let's hang out. Let's do that thing. What
would you like to do together? You feel good, they
feel good, everyone feels connected. It's just really really great.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
Well, I've actually never thought about it and literally until
you said that. But when our kids come to us
and say they're bored, is that maybe not a bit
for connection?
Speaker 1 (08:49):
Yeah it could be. Yeah, I like that. I'd not
a thought of it either. I'm saying it without even
realizing that I'm saying it. So we hope that if
the school holidays as they move ever so slowly and
warmly towards an end, creating a bit of I'm bored,
hopefully a few of the things we've talked about today
will be helpful for you. Tomorrow, we're going to have
a conversation about routine. Why well, if you're in Queensland,
(09:11):
the school holidays are officially finished for Queenslanders next week.
I guess it depends on whether you've got your kids
in a public or a private school as to what
day they head back, and there's only one week to
go for the Act New South Wales, Victoria, South Australia, WA,
THENT and Tazzy. So we're going to talk routines tomorrow
on the podcast. We'll see you then. It's The Happy
Family's podcast summer series.
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