March 13, 2023 • 14 mins
Justin & Kylie answer a listener's question about how to explain the need for psychological help to your child
Topics discussed in today's episode:
- Teach your children that you don't have all the answers and sometimes we need to reach out to people who do
- 3 basic psychological needs that must be met
- Do you want space or do you want a cuddle?
- Coping skills
- Behaviour regulation
- Emotional regulation
- Normalise it
Get in touch with your questions and feedback to podcasts@happyfamilies.com.au
Find out more and register for the Raising Resilient Kids Summit.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
time poor parent who just wants answers.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Now, what research tells us really clearly is the competence
needs a fragile So if you've got a child who's
struggling with their schoolwork, you watch their motivation drop.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
I mean, they just don't want to be there. They
hate it because they don't feel competent. And now here's
the stars of our show, my Mum and Dad. Okay, Kylie.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
On Tuesdays, it's the day that we have a conversation
about how we can help other people. Your emails are
welcome podcasts at happyfamilies dot com dot you that podcasts
with aness at happy families dot com dot you Kylie. Today,
our email comes from somebody who's having a kind of
tough old time, Lara with a kiddo who's struggling. Let
me read this email to you, Hi, Justin and Kylie.
(00:50):
Hopefully only a quick question, maybe requiring just a couple
of sentences. In response, I just want to pause there, Kylie.
Lara thinks that I can give an answer in a
couple of sentences.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Es. I love your reaction.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Thank you, Lara says we have reached out to a
private psychologist as we struggle to manage.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
Maybe she just felt you needed clear instructions.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Maybe, but it's not going to be a couple of sentences. Hey,
I'm in the middle of reading here. Let me say
that again.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
We've reached out to a private psych We're struggling to
manage our seven year old's big feelings and behavior. This
is an age where we get so many requests from
people for help because behavior regulation and an emotional regulation
are still not quite cemented. In not quite there, Laura
says to me, there's likely an anxious component to her behavior,
(01:36):
manifesting in separation, anxiety in school.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Reluctance, and so on.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Often in the evenings, it's a classic let everything out
after being so contained all day, and it includes screaming, shouting,
and physical aggression towards us and her brother. Anyway, the
question is what language your phrases are best to use
to explain to her why we're seeing a psych. I
know the psych will have a family system approach and
we'll all have sessions, which is good. I don't want
(02:00):
it to feel singled out or scapegoated. I want to
explain as a positive and helpful thing rather than because
anything is.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
Wrong with her.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
And that's a great, big thanks with a couple of
exclamation marks, Lara. So when I get a message like this, Kylie,
when these come through, I love talking to you about it.
Because we've now raised six children beyond this age of seven.
Our youngest is just over a week beyond her ninth
birthday now like a little one is growing up as well,
(02:31):
and so we've got a lot of experience, a lot
of runs on the board here, but also we've helped
so many people with kids at this age. First thing
that I want to highlight isn't it great that Lara
and her family are getting psychological help. The stigma around
psychological help is slowly but surely being eroded. And when
we recognize that there are people with skills and understanding
(02:54):
and knowledge that can make a difference and we go
and ask them for help, it's such a great thing.
And also I think teaches kids resilient. So that's the
first thing that I wanted to emphasize.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
I think one of the greatest lessons we can teach
our children is that often we don't know the answers
to things, and it's okay to not know the answers
and to seek out people who do no more than
we do.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
Yeah, absolutely exactly. Second thing that I wanted to highlight.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
Based on what's in Lara's email is, and I'm sure
that the psychologist is going to work on this, but
for the sake of everybody who's participating in listening to
our conversation today, when children are lacking motivation, when children
are feeling unwell, We've got really good research that I'm
going to be making even more explicit when my new
(03:38):
book comes out, The Pairing Revolution. But there's really good
research that shows that children have three basic psychological needs.
When these needs are met, they tend to thrive. They
just do so well. They're resilient, they're well, they're motivated,
they're happy. But when these needs are not met, and
this isn't necessarily parents fault that they're not being mad,
the children will struggle, they'll have anxiety, they'll have the press,
(04:00):
they'll show up with all kinds of behavioral challenges. And
that's really I think an element of what we're seeing
here with Lara's little one. So from a research point
of view, we would say that they are at basic
psychological needs and anyone who's been following along in the
Happy Families membership or even here on the podcast for
a while will be familiar with these ideas. I've shared
them often. The first of these basic psychological needs is
(04:23):
a need for relatedness. I need to feel like you belong,
like you're seen and heard and valued. And so I'd
be wanting to know, does my child, this child who's
having these challenges, feel like she belongs at home? Does
she feel like she's seen, heard and valued with her siblings?
Speaker 1 (04:39):
With us as.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Parents, do we take the time to really connect and
at school, what's happening when it comes to friendships. Maybe
there's a bully, Maybe there's a kid who's just, I
don't know, making it feel awful.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Perhaps she's got a frenemy.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
A girl or a boy who's a great friend one
minute and then says horrible things when her back is turned.
Relatedness or relationships are central to well being, and I
think it's really important that we can uncover if our
child's not doing well, if that's part of the issue.
The second one is competence. This is the feeling that
(05:15):
I can do stuff. And what research tells us really
clearly is that competence needs are fragile. So if you've
got a child who's struggling with their schoolwork, you watch
their motivation drop. I mean, they just don't want to
be there. They hate it because they don't feel competent.
And similarly, I guess if it's boring they're over competent
that that doesn't feel great either. And the last one
is autonomy. So if your children feel like they're being
(05:37):
controlled too much, whether it's at home, and I've watched
some parents who are just they love their kids so much,
but they control every movement that those kids make, or
whether it's high levels of control at school, you'll often
see these kinds of behaviors, these kinds of outcomes that
Lara's talking about, because kids aren't doing well in terms
of their competence needs, their relationship needs, or their autonomy needs.
(06:01):
So I think that's the second big thing that I
would want to emphasize.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
What summer three.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
This is something that you and I have really practiced,
like really intentionally practiced lately when our kids are upset.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
What's our standard line?
Speaker 3 (06:16):
Now, do you want space or you want cuddles?
Speaker 1 (06:19):
Yes? Pretty much. So I actually learned this from dealing
with you.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Can I say that without getting in trouble If you
were having a bad day, I.
Speaker 3 (06:27):
Told you, I've given you lots of practice.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
You have lots and lots of practice, and so if
you were having a bad day, I would I learned.
It took me about twenty years to learn this, but
I learned that the best thing that I could do
if you were not in a good mood was not
trying to fix it, but instead I would come up
to you and say do you want some space?
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Or do you want me to be close to you?
Speaker 2 (06:45):
And just me asking you that seemed to bring some
equilibrium back to the situation, because you'd actually pause and
think what do I want? And sometimes you'd tell me
to just leave you alone. You are always gentle about it,
and you still are. But you'd say I need some
space right now. I'd say sure, I'll come and check
it on you in half an hour, and then I'd
go and deal with the kids, or go and.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Clean up a room other than.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
The one you were in, or if you often you
would say no, I actually need you here, and then
we'd maybe go and have a hug, we'd go for
a walk, or we'd just chop carrots in the kitchen
while you talked to me. But just that one question.
You don't even need to go and see a psychologist
for this. It says to that kid, I can see you,
I can see your distress.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
I'm here for you if you need me.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
Will you talk about that needing, that sense of autonomy
and you know, lack of control? Yeah, if your child
is feeling or whoever is feeling like they don't have
a lot of control in their space, then that one
question gives them absolute control.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
It does.
Speaker 3 (07:44):
They get to make a decision in that moment. And
I think for me, having gone through that process multiple
times with you, it was that sense of I get
to choose this. You're not forcing yourself onto me or
into my space. I actually get to decide do I
want you in my space right now or do I
need time to process what's going on for me before
I include somebody else in that.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
I'm laughing because it is actually a decision sometimes, isn't.
Its like do I like you enough right now? It's
not even about liking, but it's kind of like based
on where I'm at, can I handle having you near me?
Or do I just need to be left alone.
Speaker 3 (08:18):
If I can be brutally honest, it comes down to
the fact that am I going to have to manage
your emotions as well as mine based on what we're
dealing with? And if I'm not in a position where
I can even cope with my emotions, then trying to
manage yours on top of that and how you feel
about whatever's going on as well is overwhelming. So it's
(08:38):
actually has very little to do with you as a
person and more to do with the emotions that you
will then bring into my space.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
I love the way though that you've emphasized, and this
is I think the critical thing. It's such a great
way to respect your child's autonomy. You're basically saying, where
are you up to? I'm here to support you. I'm
not here to tell you how to feel. I'm not
here to fix things. I'm here if you want me.
And I guess that's the other thing. When you then
choose to say, oh, yeah, I want you to stay
with me, you then open yourself up to my presence
(09:08):
and a conversation with me. Like you become we become involved.
The relationship needs starts to build as well, and that's
this is when a sensitive parent will say, Okay, you've
chosen to have me with you. My job is not
to fix you, is not to tell you what to do.
It's just to say, great, well, I'm here for you.
Speaker 3 (09:25):
Well, then the next question that usually follows that is
do you want to talk or do you just want
me to hold you?
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Yeah? Yeah, exactly, and.
Speaker 3 (09:32):
Again allowing me to make a decision at that point
about whether or not we're going to engage in there
or whether I'm just going to sit in this space
with you for a time until I feel more comfortable
to share.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
Okay, So the fourth thing that I want to bring up,
and there are only five, so we're nearly there with
Lara's conversation. The fourth thing I want to bring up
is Lara's little one is seven, and it's just a
useful reminder, I think for every parent to rem that,
just because your kids, especially if you're oldest, they get
to seven and you're like, oh, they're so big, Like
I remember when they were two or three, they were so.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
Little there and they're seven. Now, you can have.
Speaker 3 (10:09):
Logical conversations with them, you can reason.
Speaker 2 (10:12):
They've got opinions and they know that you're wrong, and
they're right, they're really hard work. But as parents are
now of three adult children and another one who's in
grade ten, not to mention the two little ones. Seven
is so little, isn't it? Like seven is just a
baby in comparison to in comparison to the big kids,
and from a developmental point of view, what psychological research
(10:36):
tells us is that when it comes to coping skills,
when it comes to behavior regulation, emotion regulation, these things
are still developing, and how we approach these situations with
our kids it really sets the stage for how well
these things develop as time goes by. So definitely worth
highlighting coping skills and regulation still very much under development
(10:57):
at this age. We don't need to be putting too
much pressure on them to act like they've got full
regulatory capacity at the age of seven when they won't
have it for a number of years. Yet they certainly
get much better at it through seven, eight, nine, ten,
but it's still a process.
Speaker 3 (11:13):
What was your last one?
Speaker 2 (11:14):
Okay, the last one is actually answering this specific question
that Lara asked, which is, what do we say to
our child we're about to go and see a psychologist.
What do we say and my answer is actually really
really simple, and it kind of aligns with what Lara
said in her email. Her line was, how do we
have this conversation so that she doesn't feel singled out
or scapegoat it. I wanted to explain it as a
(11:35):
positive and helpful thing rather than because anything's wrong with her,
And so the best way to do it is to
normalize it and say, you know what he was, People
go and see psychologists and counselors. Like if we jumped
onto Google and how to look at how many psychologists
and counselors are in our area, there would be about
ten thousand. Like, there are a lot of people who
do this kind of work because there's a lot of
demand for it. There's lots and lots of people who
(11:57):
just want to talk to a psychologist to get some
balance and to pull things in order.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
So that would be the first thing that I would.
Speaker 3 (12:03):
Say, Yeah, I think that it's really important that we
teach our kids that it's okay to ask for help.
And if it was me in that situation, I would
be acknowledging that right now I'm a little bit lost
as a parent to know how to best support you
and our family as a whole. I don't know how
to do all of this, and so the best way
(12:26):
I know how to support you is to find somebody
who knows more than I do.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
And if you watch TV and you watch a show
like The Voice or Idol or something like that, you've
got this real life experience where you've got people who
are on the TV who are brilliant singers who are
progressing through these rounds, and you know how they get
from one round to the next. You know how they
get better as singers. They sit down with someone who
teaches them. You've got coaches on these shows who are
(12:53):
helping them to become better singers, and I think just
teaching them the principle that the process of change number
one is hard at rick wise work number two, it
often requires somebody who's already really good at it to
help you to get good.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
At it as well.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
And a psychologist is just like a coach for your feelings.
And by talking through that kind of a process, that
kind of idea, we're going to see if we can
make things better, and we're going to go and see
someone who's really good at it, because they're going to
help us to get.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Good at it.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Just like if you want to improve your tennis game,
or if you want to improve your soccer game, or
if you want to approve whatever it is that you're doing,
you get a coach and the coach.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
Will help you to get better.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
That's I think the easiest way to frame it for
little kids or even big kids, or even partners.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
To be on board with going and getting a little
bit of help. It's okay, It's okay.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Rowland from
Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is the executive producer of the podcast. Lara,
we hope that we answered your question helpfully and any
other parents who are looking at these same kind of issues.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Hopefully that has been useful for you as well.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
If you'd like more information about how you can make
your family happier, we would love for you to visit
us at Happy families dot com dot AU. Quick reminder
as well, the Raising Resilient Kids Summit is on in
just over two weeks. You can get your tickets for
that at our Facebook page Doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families
It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
time poor parent who just wants answers.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Now, what research tells us really clearly is the competence
needs a fragile So if you've got a child who's
struggling with their schoolwork, you watch their motivation drop.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
I mean, they just don't want to be there. They
hate it because they don't feel competent. And now here's
the stars of our show, my Mum and Dad. Okay, Kylie.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
On Tuesdays, it's the day that we have a conversation
about how we can help other people. Your emails are
welcome podcasts at happyfamilies dot com dot you that podcasts
with aness at happy families dot com dot you Kylie. Today,
our email comes from somebody who's having a kind of
tough old time, Lara with a kiddo who's struggling. Let
me read this email to you, Hi, Justin and Kylie.
(00:50):
Hopefully only a quick question, maybe requiring just a couple
of sentences. In response, I just want to pause there, Kylie.
Lara thinks that I can give an answer in a
couple of sentences.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Es. I love your reaction.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Thank you, Lara says we have reached out to a
private psychologist as we struggle to manage.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
Maybe she just felt you needed clear instructions.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Maybe, but it's not going to be a couple of sentences. Hey,
I'm in the middle of reading here. Let me say
that again.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
We've reached out to a private psych We're struggling to
manage our seven year old's big feelings and behavior. This
is an age where we get so many requests from
people for help because behavior regulation and an emotional regulation
are still not quite cemented. In not quite there, Laura
says to me, there's likely an anxious component to her behavior,
(01:36):
manifesting in separation, anxiety in school.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Reluctance, and so on.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Often in the evenings, it's a classic let everything out
after being so contained all day, and it includes screaming, shouting,
and physical aggression towards us and her brother. Anyway, the
question is what language your phrases are best to use
to explain to her why we're seeing a psych. I
know the psych will have a family system approach and
we'll all have sessions, which is good. I don't want
(02:00):
it to feel singled out or scapegoated. I want to
explain as a positive and helpful thing rather than because
anything is.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
Wrong with her.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
And that's a great, big thanks with a couple of
exclamation marks, Lara. So when I get a message like this, Kylie,
when these come through, I love talking to you about it.
Because we've now raised six children beyond this age of seven.
Our youngest is just over a week beyond her ninth
birthday now like a little one is growing up as well,
(02:31):
and so we've got a lot of experience, a lot
of runs on the board here, but also we've helped
so many people with kids at this age. First thing
that I want to highlight isn't it great that Lara
and her family are getting psychological help. The stigma around
psychological help is slowly but surely being eroded. And when
we recognize that there are people with skills and understanding
(02:54):
and knowledge that can make a difference and we go
and ask them for help, it's such a great thing.
And also I think teaches kids resilient. So that's the
first thing that I wanted to emphasize.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
I think one of the greatest lessons we can teach
our children is that often we don't know the answers
to things, and it's okay to not know the answers
and to seek out people who do no more than
we do.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
Yeah, absolutely exactly. Second thing that I wanted to highlight.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
Based on what's in Lara's email is, and I'm sure
that the psychologist is going to work on this, but
for the sake of everybody who's participating in listening to
our conversation today, when children are lacking motivation, when children
are feeling unwell, We've got really good research that I'm
going to be making even more explicit when my new
(03:38):
book comes out, The Pairing Revolution. But there's really good
research that shows that children have three basic psychological needs.
When these needs are met, they tend to thrive. They
just do so well. They're resilient, they're well, they're motivated,
they're happy. But when these needs are not met, and
this isn't necessarily parents fault that they're not being mad,
the children will struggle, they'll have anxiety, they'll have the press,
(04:00):
they'll show up with all kinds of behavioral challenges. And
that's really I think an element of what we're seeing
here with Lara's little one. So from a research point
of view, we would say that they are at basic
psychological needs and anyone who's been following along in the
Happy Families membership or even here on the podcast for
a while will be familiar with these ideas. I've shared
them often. The first of these basic psychological needs is
(04:23):
a need for relatedness. I need to feel like you belong,
like you're seen and heard and valued. And so I'd
be wanting to know, does my child, this child who's
having these challenges, feel like she belongs at home? Does
she feel like she's seen, heard and valued with her siblings?
Speaker 1 (04:39):
With us as.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Parents, do we take the time to really connect and
at school, what's happening when it comes to friendships. Maybe
there's a bully, Maybe there's a kid who's just, I
don't know, making it feel awful.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Perhaps she's got a frenemy.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
A girl or a boy who's a great friend one
minute and then says horrible things when her back is turned.
Relatedness or relationships are central to well being, and I
think it's really important that we can uncover if our
child's not doing well, if that's part of the issue.
The second one is competence. This is the feeling that
(05:15):
I can do stuff. And what research tells us really
clearly is that competence needs are fragile. So if you've
got a child who's struggling with their schoolwork, you watch
their motivation drop. I mean, they just don't want to
be there. They hate it because they don't feel competent.
And similarly, I guess if it's boring they're over competent
that that doesn't feel great either. And the last one
is autonomy. So if your children feel like they're being
(05:37):
controlled too much, whether it's at home, and I've watched
some parents who are just they love their kids so much,
but they control every movement that those kids make, or
whether it's high levels of control at school, you'll often
see these kinds of behaviors, these kinds of outcomes that
Lara's talking about, because kids aren't doing well in terms
of their competence needs, their relationship needs, or their autonomy needs.
(06:01):
So I think that's the second big thing that I
would want to emphasize.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
What summer three.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
This is something that you and I have really practiced,
like really intentionally practiced lately when our kids are upset.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
What's our standard line?
Speaker 3 (06:16):
Now, do you want space or you want cuddles?
Speaker 1 (06:19):
Yes? Pretty much. So I actually learned this from dealing
with you.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Can I say that without getting in trouble If you
were having a bad day, I.
Speaker 3 (06:27):
Told you, I've given you lots of practice.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
You have lots and lots of practice, and so if
you were having a bad day, I would I learned.
It took me about twenty years to learn this, but
I learned that the best thing that I could do
if you were not in a good mood was not
trying to fix it, but instead I would come up
to you and say do you want some space?
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Or do you want me to be close to you?
Speaker 2 (06:45):
And just me asking you that seemed to bring some
equilibrium back to the situation, because you'd actually pause and
think what do I want? And sometimes you'd tell me
to just leave you alone. You are always gentle about it,
and you still are. But you'd say I need some
space right now. I'd say sure, I'll come and check
it on you in half an hour, and then I'd
go and deal with the kids, or go and.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Clean up a room other than.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
The one you were in, or if you often you
would say no, I actually need you here, and then
we'd maybe go and have a hug, we'd go for
a walk, or we'd just chop carrots in the kitchen
while you talked to me. But just that one question.
You don't even need to go and see a psychologist
for this. It says to that kid, I can see you,
I can see your distress.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
I'm here for you if you need me.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
Will you talk about that needing, that sense of autonomy
and you know, lack of control? Yeah, if your child
is feeling or whoever is feeling like they don't have
a lot of control in their space, then that one
question gives them absolute control.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
It does.
Speaker 3 (07:44):
They get to make a decision in that moment. And
I think for me, having gone through that process multiple
times with you, it was that sense of I get
to choose this. You're not forcing yourself onto me or
into my space. I actually get to decide do I
want you in my space right now or do I
need time to process what's going on for me before
I include somebody else in that.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
I'm laughing because it is actually a decision sometimes, isn't.
Its like do I like you enough right now? It's
not even about liking, but it's kind of like based
on where I'm at, can I handle having you near me?
Or do I just need to be left alone.
Speaker 3 (08:18):
If I can be brutally honest, it comes down to
the fact that am I going to have to manage
your emotions as well as mine based on what we're
dealing with? And if I'm not in a position where
I can even cope with my emotions, then trying to
manage yours on top of that and how you feel
about whatever's going on as well is overwhelming. So it's
(08:38):
actually has very little to do with you as a
person and more to do with the emotions that you
will then bring into my space.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
I love the way though that you've emphasized, and this
is I think the critical thing. It's such a great
way to respect your child's autonomy. You're basically saying, where
are you up to? I'm here to support you. I'm
not here to tell you how to feel. I'm not
here to fix things. I'm here if you want me.
And I guess that's the other thing. When you then
choose to say, oh, yeah, I want you to stay
with me, you then open yourself up to my presence
(09:08):
and a conversation with me. Like you become we become involved.
The relationship needs starts to build as well, and that's
this is when a sensitive parent will say, Okay, you've
chosen to have me with you. My job is not
to fix you, is not to tell you what to do.
It's just to say, great, well, I'm here for you.
Speaker 3 (09:25):
Well, then the next question that usually follows that is
do you want to talk or do you just want
me to hold you?
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Yeah? Yeah, exactly, and.
Speaker 3 (09:32):
Again allowing me to make a decision at that point
about whether or not we're going to engage in there
or whether I'm just going to sit in this space
with you for a time until I feel more comfortable
to share.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
Okay, So the fourth thing that I want to bring up,
and there are only five, so we're nearly there with
Lara's conversation. The fourth thing I want to bring up
is Lara's little one is seven, and it's just a
useful reminder, I think for every parent to rem that,
just because your kids, especially if you're oldest, they get
to seven and you're like, oh, they're so big, Like
I remember when they were two or three, they were so.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
Little there and they're seven. Now, you can have.
Speaker 3 (10:09):
Logical conversations with them, you can reason.
Speaker 2 (10:12):
They've got opinions and they know that you're wrong, and
they're right, they're really hard work. But as parents are
now of three adult children and another one who's in
grade ten, not to mention the two little ones. Seven
is so little, isn't it? Like seven is just a
baby in comparison to in comparison to the big kids,
and from a developmental point of view, what psychological research
(10:36):
tells us is that when it comes to coping skills,
when it comes to behavior regulation, emotion regulation, these things
are still developing, and how we approach these situations with
our kids it really sets the stage for how well
these things develop as time goes by. So definitely worth
highlighting coping skills and regulation still very much under development
(10:57):
at this age. We don't need to be putting too
much pressure on them to act like they've got full
regulatory capacity at the age of seven when they won't
have it for a number of years. Yet they certainly
get much better at it through seven, eight, nine, ten,
but it's still a process.
Speaker 3 (11:13):
What was your last one?
Speaker 2 (11:14):
Okay, the last one is actually answering this specific question
that Lara asked, which is, what do we say to
our child we're about to go and see a psychologist.
What do we say and my answer is actually really
really simple, and it kind of aligns with what Lara
said in her email. Her line was, how do we
have this conversation so that she doesn't feel singled out
or scapegoat it. I wanted to explain it as a
(11:35):
positive and helpful thing rather than because anything's wrong with her,
And so the best way to do it is to
normalize it and say, you know what he was, People
go and see psychologists and counselors. Like if we jumped
onto Google and how to look at how many psychologists
and counselors are in our area, there would be about
ten thousand. Like, there are a lot of people who
do this kind of work because there's a lot of
demand for it. There's lots and lots of people who
(11:57):
just want to talk to a psychologist to get some
balance and to pull things in order.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
So that would be the first thing that I would.
Speaker 3 (12:03):
Say, Yeah, I think that it's really important that we
teach our kids that it's okay to ask for help.
And if it was me in that situation, I would
be acknowledging that right now I'm a little bit lost
as a parent to know how to best support you
and our family as a whole. I don't know how
to do all of this, and so the best way
(12:26):
I know how to support you is to find somebody
who knows more than I do.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
And if you watch TV and you watch a show
like The Voice or Idol or something like that, you've
got this real life experience where you've got people who
are on the TV who are brilliant singers who are
progressing through these rounds, and you know how they get
from one round to the next. You know how they
get better as singers. They sit down with someone who
teaches them. You've got coaches on these shows who are
(12:53):
helping them to become better singers, and I think just
teaching them the principle that the process of change number
one is hard at rick wise work number two, it
often requires somebody who's already really good at it to
help you to get good.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
At it as well.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
And a psychologist is just like a coach for your feelings.
And by talking through that kind of a process, that
kind of idea, we're going to see if we can
make things better, and we're going to go and see
someone who's really good at it, because they're going to
help us to get.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Good at it.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Just like if you want to improve your tennis game,
or if you want to improve your soccer game, or
if you want to approve whatever it is that you're doing,
you get a coach and the coach.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
Will help you to get better.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
That's I think the easiest way to frame it for
little kids or even big kids, or even partners.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
To be on board with going and getting a little
bit of help. It's okay, It's okay.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Rowland from
Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is the executive producer of the podcast. Lara,
we hope that we answered your question helpfully and any
other parents who are looking at these same kind of issues.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Hopefully that has been useful for you as well.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
If you'd like more information about how you can make
your family happier, we would love for you to visit
us at Happy families dot com dot AU. Quick reminder
as well, the Raising Resilient Kids Summit is on in
just over two weeks. You can get your tickets for
that at our Facebook page Doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families
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