March 20, 2023 • 18 mins
25 Lessons for Making Marriage Magic
Topics discussed in today's episode:
- Justin & Kylie are celebrating 25 years of marriage
- 25 Lessons for Making Marriage Magic
- Don't keep score
- It's not brilliant all the time
- We're not the same people
- The big values matter
- Privacy is important
- Going to bed mad is okay
- Balance your mutual & personal interest
- Always order extra bread rolls
- Never measure contribution
- Prioritising intimacy
- Confirmation bias can be really strong
- No issue should ever be allowed to become bigger than your love
- Never add to your spouse's struggle
- Marry the person you love being with more than anyone else, then work super hard to keep it that way
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
The time poor parent who just wants answers.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Now, this is my life lesson from twenty five years
of marriage. Farts a gross You don't have to see
and hear everything that your partner's doing.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
And now here's the scars of our show my mum
and dad.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy
Families dot com dot you. We really hope that you
enjoyed yesterday's episode of The Happy Family's podcast. Kylie and
I were sharing twenty five life lessons about marriage because
we're celebrating our twenty fifth wedding anniversary this week. It
was actually yesterday that we had twenty five years of
life literally betrothed, not betrothed, wedded, lawfully and legally wedded,
(00:45):
and whatever else you want to call. We got married
in the late nineteen It was nineteen ninety eight. Nineteen
ninety eight, which.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Doesn't like a lifetime ago.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
It doesn't seem that long ago. I feel like we're
going to be married a couple of years. Kylie shared
what was supposed to be twelve was to be twelve
lessons that she's learned about marriage, marriage specifically because of me.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
Don't keep count is my number twelve?
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Oh wow? Okay, well that ties in with one of
the ones that I'm going to share it short as well.
Kylie missed one, so we needed one extra. Don't keep score?
Is that what you're saying, I don't keep count? Okay, well,
now it's my turn. So well, I.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Am so excited to hear what I've taught.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
You, now, what we've learned together. Okay, this is what
we've learned together. I want to be really careful because
the first one, the first one is going to sound
really bad if it's about what you've taught me. So
it's what we've learned together. My first of I'm going
to go with thirteen because twelve from you plus thirteen
from me takes us to the twenty five. My first
(01:42):
of thirteen is it's not brilliant all the time.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
It's time.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
In fact, sometimes sometimes it feels like you are being
dragged through the very cols of hell with flaming bamboo
shoots stuck under your fingernails and somebody ripping out your
teeth with their I don't know, with a paraply or something.
It's just okay. Sometimes it's really hard. Sometimes it's and
that's often, in fact, often kindlie, the hardest times in
(02:09):
our marriage have not actually been because of you, but
because of me, at least for me. Does that make sense.
I remember our very first conflict. We had been married.
I reckon for about nine months before we ever had
any kind of conflict, and we had our first blow
up about nine months in, and I just couldn't believe it.
I thought, Oh my goodness, this is it, this is
what happens, this is the beginning of the end. It's
(02:30):
all over. But that conflict, I still remember the fight
that we were having ended up turning into a I
guess I turned it into a pity party about how
pathetic I was because I felt so bad that we
were having this fight, and I just knew that it
was because of my inability to regulate and be selfless
and all that kind of thing. But it's it's not
(02:50):
always perfect. In fact, sometimes it's really hard, really horrible.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
You know, Over the years we have we've had some
really really hard times. But no matter how hard it gets,
the thing that I keep coming back to is that
if I have to do hard, there's no one else
I'd rather do hard.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
With You're the best. Seriously, I appreciate that so much.
It's number two, we're not the same people. We're not
the same people, and sometimes we actually marry somebody and
we try to turn them into who we are, or
we try to get them to want to be the
same as us, to have our values, to share our
interests and likes, to I don't know, to be us.
(03:31):
And something that I have just loved about being married
to you is You've let me be me, and you've
also been completely satisfied in who you are as a person.
As much as you've grown and developed and become so
much better, you've been satisfied in your identity, your sense
of self, and you've been okay to be you. And
I feel like we've allowed one another to be to
(03:53):
be ourselves. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Yeah, totally. For me, I see it a little bit differently.
I think that while there has been a part of
me that has been really happy to be me, there's
also been another part of me that's tried to keep
up with you for so long. And it's only been
in the last couple of years that I've actually recognized
that you need me to actually do the slow pace.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
It's not good when we're both a bit like me. Yeah,
because I'm a lite.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
It it's taken me all these years to work that out.
I thought my job was to actually keep up with you.
My job is not actually to keep up with you.
It's actually to slow you down so that you can
have the downtime that you actually need. And as you're
getting older, you're needing that more and more.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
I mean, as I'm getting older. This is supposed to
be a love fest. We're supposed to be talking about
what we love about each other, and you're telling me
that I'm getting older. I mean, next thing, you're going
to point out my wrinkles or something.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
What's number three?
Speaker 1 (04:50):
Okay? So a third one, really simple one. The big
values matter. So as much as we can be individuals
and live our lives the way that it sort of
suits us, there are some things that really do matter
a lot. And over the last twenty five years, what
I've discovered is if we can maintain harmony and be
(05:12):
together on those big things, the other stuff doesn't need
to matter as much. And so we've done I think
a reasonably good job of getting clear on the biggest
things that matter and being pretty relaxed about the other stuff.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
One of the things that I love from the memory
box is when we first met, you were just incessant
with your questions. We used to call them hypotheticals, and
you we'd sit in the car and you would just
throw all of these hypothetical situations. Then I'm a curious
guy at me as an eighteen year old kid, and
(05:46):
you'd want to know what I thought was going to
happen if we had three kids and one of them
decided to leave home at fifteen, or they decided they
were going to do drugs or whatever it was. There
was just there was these conversations that we had around
what life would look like and what it could look
like and how would I respond, And obviously, without having
(06:10):
experienced any of those things, I had no idea. But
through the process of sharing what your thoughts were and
what my thoughts were, we came to understand what our
big rocks were, what our value systems were in relation
to those things. And so when we got married, there
were a lot of surprises along the way, and there
(06:32):
was a lot of hard like we've already said yesterday,
but we already knew where we stood with them. And
while some of our ideals have changed, our values have
changed over time, what has been most important is that
we've actually been able to change together.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
Yeah, we've remained aligned on the biggest things, the things
that matter the most.
Speaker 2 (06:55):
Was that number three or number four.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
Number four is coming, and this is my life lesson
from twenty five years of marriage. Farts are gross. You
don't have to see and hear everything that your partner
is doing. I'm a really big believer in bathroom doors.
I'm just put it out there. That's number four. We
don't need to talk any more about things.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
Doesn't matter if there's a door in my honey, I
don't say this like that.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
We don't need to say anything else about that one.
It's just a life lesson. We don't need to explore it.
We don't need to dive any deeper. We're just going
to move to the next one. Okay. Going to bed
mad is okay. So there's that marriage advice that you
get that you should never go to bed on an argument,
and over the years, I think we've proven that that's
really bad advice. Try to stay up to resolve things,
but because we're exhausted, it actually just gets worse right
(07:38):
an emotional state my intelligence, low emotions low. I can't
even say it right now. High emotion is low intelligence.
You're throw in a bit of tiredness, but a hunger,
bit of stress and overwhelm. Nine times are horrible like that.
Sometimes it's been better for us to just look at
each other and say, not doing well, love you like crazy.
Let's wait until tomorrow before we talk about this.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
I can add on from that. And it's something that
you've been really really good at over the years, is
that each new day is a fresh start.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
Yeah. I love fresh starts.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
You don't hold on to things. That's not a strong
point of mind at all. But you have always woken
up with just unconditional love, ready to start a new day,
and more times than not, that's been able to pull
me out of whatever funk I'm in.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
Yeah. I'm really big on repair, really big on speedy,
speedy repair, and just not hanging on to stuff. Like seriously,
I said I was marrying you literally to the end
of time, and it turned it in forever and ever
and ever. And there's nothing for us to gain by
maintaining any kind of rage towards one another. There's nothing
to be gained by being ongoing.
Speaker 2 (08:44):
With frustrate that rage.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Yeah, I know, So what we go up to number six?
What have you got for me? Okay? Number six is
that we need to balance our mutual loves with personal interests.
I love the fact that you I mean, it drives
me up the wall. I really wish that you would
sit on the beach and watch me surf at least once.
But you're not interested in sitting on the beach and
(09:07):
watching some guy surf Like.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Well, because usually I'm looking at the wrong guy.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
I kep saying I'm the guy out there on the
white surfboard with the black board shorts. And it was
like every guy in the water is on a white
surfboard with black board shorts.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
But once upon a time you actually brought a red surfboard,
which happens to be my favorite colors, just to help me.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Yeah, but you still never watch me surf, even on
that board. No. But over the years, I mean, you've
got all these things that you love and you're crazy about,
and you haven't sacrificed them because I'm not into them.
You've just kept on doing them. And same with me.
I've got those things that I love to do. You
have no interest in them whatsoever, But we don't resent
one another for them. We just find time for them.
We do them where it works, and it actually rounds
(09:47):
us out. It makes us whole, and it gives us.
It gives us a break some time away. It helps
us to come back and replenish and rejuvenate. But it
also gives us relationships outside of our marriage, which is
so important to take the pressure off one another as
being the one and only supportive person in each other's
lives to get through it all. I just think we
need to make sure that we that we have personal
(10:07):
interests and we explore them and enjoy them, and that's
balance with the stuff that we love to do together,
because there are also things that you and I just
cherish together.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
I guess there's an add on to that is that
while we've had our own interests, we've always been considerate
with the other's needs and the timing of things. And
it's meant that we've had to be flexible with the
time of day and how many times a week we
get to do the.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
Things that we like. That there are times where I've
given up writing completely, Like now, for example, I'm just
not writing because it doesn't suit and you've got priorities
that I've got to balance what's important to both of
us with what's important to me, and I'm happy to
do it because I'm crazy about you and I think
that it's worth sacrificing the cycling.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
Thanks, honey. Okay, what's number seven?
Speaker 1 (10:51):
Always? Always, always, always order extra red roles when you
sit down in a restaurant for dinner, because guarantee, miss Happy,
you're sitting next to me is going to steal in
red role. It just happened every single time. Number are never, ever, ever,
ever measure contribution. Fifty to fifty doesn't cut it, like, well.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
It doesn't exist right if you're going to do somethings.
So growing up, I was always taught if you're going
to do something, to it right, yeah the first time?
And how is fifty percent?
Speaker 1 (11:27):
Ever?
Speaker 2 (11:29):
So, depending on the stages and seasons of life, there
are times where my one hundred percent has looked like
twenty percent, sure, because I don't have the capacity that
my full capacity range that I would normally have. But
it's still my one hundred percent. It's what I have
right now to give. But for me to just sit
(11:50):
back and kind of look at what needs to be
done and go, you know what, I'm just going to
give you half of me today.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Yeah. It kind of tilles you with that idea. It's
not my job. Yeah, and that's something that there are
a halful of things that you do far better than me,
and I really appreciate it when you do them, and
I do my best to not do them because when
I do them, we end up with a substandard outcome.
Like if I'm going to cook dinner, it's only a
couple of meals that we really trust me to cook.
I just don't do them very well. But if I've
got to, I will get in there and I'll do it.
(12:16):
You went away recently, had that time at the health retreat.
I looked after meals for a week and the kids
didn't start. They were okay, we were fine. I mean
the kids cooked a couple of meals as well to
get us through, but we were fine. But in terms
of efficiency and in terms of the overall enjoyment that
everyone gets when you do it, it just works better when
you do that. Likewise, you can go and earn some
money for our family, but I'm more effective as a
(12:39):
breadwinner because of the way that our lives have played out,
and we don't look at each other and go, well,
I'm the one that earns the money, so you're the
one who has to do that. It's just we do
what we need to do.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
But that's part of being our team. Yeah, right, So
not everyone's the shooter.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
Right right. Yeah, you've got guards and you've got points,
and you've got wings and whatever else. Yeah, and everyone's
got their role. But you can always sub in. You
can always cover for someone if they're out of position.
You can always help out. And I guess it's not
my job. Fifty to fifty doesn't cut it. Never ever,
ever measure contribution number ten. No, we're up to number nine.
(13:16):
Number nine, you rush me through. So number nine. Based
on our conversation yesterday, this will not come as a
surprise to you that I'm going to say that prioritizing
intimacy needs to be a really big like, it really
matters relationships that are devoid of intimacy. I think what
(13:37):
they can be improved with that when we prioritize it
and make sure that we've got a little bit of
closed your ears kids sexy time. So I just think
I'm putting them in. It's number nine. We don't have
to go any deeper. If you don't want to, let's
just move on to number ten, unless you you don't
want to ask anything. Okay, Confirmation bias can be really strong.
That's how we are as humans. Where wired to notice
(14:00):
things that conform to what we already believe. That's confirmation bias.
So let's talk about politics for a second. If I've
got really strong political views to either the right or
the left of center, whenever anything happens it's.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
In the news, sound very romantic.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
I'll find a way to make sure that it confirms
my already pre existing political beliefs. And it's the same
with our relationships. If I believe that you really are
everything that I think that you are just literally the
most incredible, impeccable choice of a wife that I could
have possibly made. If I believe that and I do,
(14:34):
that means that what I'm going to do is I'm
going to find ways to confirm that, not intentionally but subconsciously.
Everything you do is going to be a subconscious confirmation
to me that my bias was correct. And if you
do things that go against that confirmation, bias. I'm usually
going to become dismissive and say, oh, it was a
one off. That's not who Kylie usually is. That was
an unusual circumstance. Confirmation bias is strong, and we need
(14:57):
to make sure we use it to our advantage because
I've used the positive example of that, but can also
spin around the other way. It can become quite negative.
And if you've got this bias in your mind that
your partner's always a pain, they're always late, they're always tardy,
they're always lazy, they're this, they're that, then you will
start to notice those things as well.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Just like yesterday, my last point was just about perspective
and how it's if we wrote the list of things
we fell in love with and then we actually married
it up with the things that drive us crazy, we'll
probably find that those lists were very similar.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
You loved my energy, I loved your energy, enthusiast my curiosity.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
I loved your curiosity, and yet it just drives me
insane so many times. And if I don't remind myself
that they are the very things that drew me to you, yeah,
they will literally drive me over the years.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
So that's a combination of both reframing and confirmation bias.
You're getting that bias confirmed, and now you've got to
remember that was a good thing, not a bad thing.
That's right, all right? Or eleven on my list is
that no issue should ever be allowed to be bigger
than the love that we share. Now, we covered that
yesterday because it was similar to something that you said,
so I don't think that we need to emphasize that
any further today other than to say that I remember
(16:13):
saying literally to you one day when we were in
the middle of a heated argument and we weren't making
progress because you were stonewalling and you didn't want to
give me anything, and I just said along the lines
of that, I said, clog, no matter what this issue
is that's upsetting you, it doesn't matter in comparison to
how I feel about you. My love for you is
always going to be far bigger than whatever this issue is,
which means we can talk about this issue and it
(16:34):
can't possibly affect how I feel about you. And I
feel like that's been something that has really what's the
word anchored our relationship. I feel like it's something that's
really held us strong. When if we go back to
Number one, it's not brilliant all the time.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Yeah, I think that there's been a lot of baggage
that I've brought into the relationship and having not felt
like I've experienced unconditional love until you. I've waited so
many times for you to just kind of say this
too much, and yet you've proven time and time again
that they're just there. Literally is nothing that's bigger than
(17:12):
the love that you have for me.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
Yeah, there is nothing that is too much. Number twelve Okay,
I've got two to go. Number twelve is never add
to your spouse's struggle. I'm saying never add to your
spouse's struggle because every now and again we do and
say things that are not helpful. And if you're in
a conflict, if you're having a hard time, if your
marriage or relationships a bit rocky, that means that your
(17:34):
spouse or partner is almost certainly struggling. The last thing
they need is for you to make it harder. So
that's why that's my number twelve. My thirteenth and final
idea lesson from twenty five years of marriage is that
you need to marry the person that you love being
with more than anyone else, and then you've got to
work super hard to keep it that way and missus
(17:58):
Happy Families. There is no one, not a single person
on the entire planet that I love being with more
than you, and I'm going to keep on working to
keep it that way. Happy anniversary, Thanks my honey. The
Happy Families Podcasts is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media.
Craig brus is our executive producer. We hope that you
haven't minded the last two days of a little bit
(18:18):
of personal indulgence as we've reflected on what makes marriages work,
or at least what has made ours work, and the
lessons that we've learned from it. Thank you so much
for listening. We'd love to know what you think makes
your marriage your partnership strong. You can email us podcasts
at Happy families dot com dot au and for more
information about making your family happier for you to join
(18:39):
us at our Happy Families memberships. You can find all
the information about the monthly ongoing calm credible support that
we give at Happy families dot com dot aun.
Speaker 2 (18:50):
Oh Always Lucky
It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
The time poor parent who just wants answers.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Now, this is my life lesson from twenty five years
of marriage. Farts a gross You don't have to see
and hear everything that your partner's doing.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
And now here's the scars of our show my mum
and dad.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy
Families dot com dot you. We really hope that you
enjoyed yesterday's episode of The Happy Family's podcast. Kylie and
I were sharing twenty five life lessons about marriage because
we're celebrating our twenty fifth wedding anniversary this week. It
was actually yesterday that we had twenty five years of
life literally betrothed, not betrothed, wedded, lawfully and legally wedded,
(00:45):
and whatever else you want to call. We got married
in the late nineteen It was nineteen ninety eight. Nineteen
ninety eight, which.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Doesn't like a lifetime ago.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
It doesn't seem that long ago. I feel like we're
going to be married a couple of years. Kylie shared
what was supposed to be twelve was to be twelve
lessons that she's learned about marriage, marriage specifically because of me.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
Don't keep count is my number twelve?
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Oh wow? Okay, well that ties in with one of
the ones that I'm going to share it short as well.
Kylie missed one, so we needed one extra. Don't keep score?
Is that what you're saying, I don't keep count? Okay, well,
now it's my turn. So well, I.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Am so excited to hear what I've taught.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
You, now, what we've learned together. Okay, this is what
we've learned together. I want to be really careful because
the first one, the first one is going to sound
really bad if it's about what you've taught me. So
it's what we've learned together. My first of I'm going
to go with thirteen because twelve from you plus thirteen
from me takes us to the twenty five. My first
(01:42):
of thirteen is it's not brilliant all the time.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
It's time.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
In fact, sometimes sometimes it feels like you are being
dragged through the very cols of hell with flaming bamboo
shoots stuck under your fingernails and somebody ripping out your
teeth with their I don't know, with a paraply or something.
It's just okay. Sometimes it's really hard. Sometimes it's and
that's often, in fact, often kindlie, the hardest times in
(02:09):
our marriage have not actually been because of you, but
because of me, at least for me. Does that make sense.
I remember our very first conflict. We had been married.
I reckon for about nine months before we ever had
any kind of conflict, and we had our first blow
up about nine months in, and I just couldn't believe it.
I thought, Oh my goodness, this is it, this is
what happens, this is the beginning of the end. It's
(02:30):
all over. But that conflict, I still remember the fight
that we were having ended up turning into a I
guess I turned it into a pity party about how
pathetic I was because I felt so bad that we
were having this fight, and I just knew that it
was because of my inability to regulate and be selfless
and all that kind of thing. But it's it's not
(02:50):
always perfect. In fact, sometimes it's really hard, really horrible.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
You know, Over the years we have we've had some
really really hard times. But no matter how hard it gets,
the thing that I keep coming back to is that
if I have to do hard, there's no one else
I'd rather do hard.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
With You're the best. Seriously, I appreciate that so much.
It's number two, we're not the same people. We're not
the same people, and sometimes we actually marry somebody and
we try to turn them into who we are, or
we try to get them to want to be the
same as us, to have our values, to share our
interests and likes, to I don't know, to be us.
(03:31):
And something that I have just loved about being married
to you is You've let me be me, and you've
also been completely satisfied in who you are as a person.
As much as you've grown and developed and become so
much better, you've been satisfied in your identity, your sense
of self, and you've been okay to be you. And
I feel like we've allowed one another to be to
(03:53):
be ourselves. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Yeah, totally. For me, I see it a little bit differently.
I think that while there has been a part of
me that has been really happy to be me, there's
also been another part of me that's tried to keep
up with you for so long. And it's only been
in the last couple of years that I've actually recognized
that you need me to actually do the slow pace.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
It's not good when we're both a bit like me. Yeah,
because I'm a lite.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
It it's taken me all these years to work that out.
I thought my job was to actually keep up with you.
My job is not actually to keep up with you.
It's actually to slow you down so that you can
have the downtime that you actually need. And as you're
getting older, you're needing that more and more.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
I mean, as I'm getting older. This is supposed to
be a love fest. We're supposed to be talking about
what we love about each other, and you're telling me
that I'm getting older. I mean, next thing, you're going
to point out my wrinkles or something.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
What's number three?
Speaker 1 (04:50):
Okay? So a third one, really simple one. The big
values matter. So as much as we can be individuals
and live our lives the way that it sort of
suits us, there are some things that really do matter
a lot. And over the last twenty five years, what
I've discovered is if we can maintain harmony and be
(05:12):
together on those big things, the other stuff doesn't need
to matter as much. And so we've done I think
a reasonably good job of getting clear on the biggest
things that matter and being pretty relaxed about the other stuff.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
One of the things that I love from the memory
box is when we first met, you were just incessant
with your questions. We used to call them hypotheticals, and
you we'd sit in the car and you would just
throw all of these hypothetical situations. Then I'm a curious
guy at me as an eighteen year old kid, and
(05:46):
you'd want to know what I thought was going to
happen if we had three kids and one of them
decided to leave home at fifteen, or they decided they
were going to do drugs or whatever it was. There
was just there was these conversations that we had around
what life would look like and what it could look
like and how would I respond, And obviously, without having
(06:10):
experienced any of those things, I had no idea. But
through the process of sharing what your thoughts were and
what my thoughts were, we came to understand what our
big rocks were, what our value systems were in relation
to those things. And so when we got married, there
were a lot of surprises along the way, and there
(06:32):
was a lot of hard like we've already said yesterday,
but we already knew where we stood with them. And
while some of our ideals have changed, our values have
changed over time, what has been most important is that
we've actually been able to change together.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
Yeah, we've remained aligned on the biggest things, the things
that matter the most.
Speaker 2 (06:55):
Was that number three or number four.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
Number four is coming, and this is my life lesson
from twenty five years of marriage. Farts are gross. You
don't have to see and hear everything that your partner
is doing. I'm a really big believer in bathroom doors.
I'm just put it out there. That's number four. We
don't need to talk any more about things.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
Doesn't matter if there's a door in my honey, I
don't say this like that.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
We don't need to say anything else about that one.
It's just a life lesson. We don't need to explore it.
We don't need to dive any deeper. We're just going
to move to the next one. Okay. Going to bed
mad is okay. So there's that marriage advice that you
get that you should never go to bed on an argument,
and over the years, I think we've proven that that's
really bad advice. Try to stay up to resolve things,
but because we're exhausted, it actually just gets worse right
(07:38):
an emotional state my intelligence, low emotions low. I can't
even say it right now. High emotion is low intelligence.
You're throw in a bit of tiredness, but a hunger,
bit of stress and overwhelm. Nine times are horrible like that.
Sometimes it's been better for us to just look at
each other and say, not doing well, love you like crazy.
Let's wait until tomorrow before we talk about this.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
I can add on from that. And it's something that
you've been really really good at over the years, is
that each new day is a fresh start.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
Yeah. I love fresh starts.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
You don't hold on to things. That's not a strong
point of mind at all. But you have always woken
up with just unconditional love, ready to start a new day,
and more times than not, that's been able to pull
me out of whatever funk I'm in.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
Yeah. I'm really big on repair, really big on speedy,
speedy repair, and just not hanging on to stuff. Like seriously,
I said I was marrying you literally to the end
of time, and it turned it in forever and ever
and ever. And there's nothing for us to gain by
maintaining any kind of rage towards one another. There's nothing
to be gained by being ongoing.
Speaker 2 (08:44):
With frustrate that rage.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Yeah, I know, So what we go up to number six?
What have you got for me? Okay? Number six is
that we need to balance our mutual loves with personal interests.
I love the fact that you I mean, it drives
me up the wall. I really wish that you would
sit on the beach and watch me surf at least once.
But you're not interested in sitting on the beach and
(09:07):
watching some guy surf Like.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Well, because usually I'm looking at the wrong guy.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
I kep saying I'm the guy out there on the
white surfboard with the black board shorts. And it was
like every guy in the water is on a white
surfboard with black board shorts.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
But once upon a time you actually brought a red surfboard,
which happens to be my favorite colors, just to help me.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Yeah, but you still never watch me surf, even on
that board. No. But over the years, I mean, you've
got all these things that you love and you're crazy about,
and you haven't sacrificed them because I'm not into them.
You've just kept on doing them. And same with me.
I've got those things that I love to do. You
have no interest in them whatsoever, But we don't resent
one another for them. We just find time for them.
We do them where it works, and it actually rounds
(09:47):
us out. It makes us whole, and it gives us.
It gives us a break some time away. It helps
us to come back and replenish and rejuvenate. But it
also gives us relationships outside of our marriage, which is
so important to take the pressure off one another as
being the one and only supportive person in each other's
lives to get through it all. I just think we
need to make sure that we that we have personal
(10:07):
interests and we explore them and enjoy them, and that's
balance with the stuff that we love to do together,
because there are also things that you and I just
cherish together.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
I guess there's an add on to that is that
while we've had our own interests, we've always been considerate
with the other's needs and the timing of things. And
it's meant that we've had to be flexible with the
time of day and how many times a week we
get to do the.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
Things that we like. That there are times where I've
given up writing completely, Like now, for example, I'm just
not writing because it doesn't suit and you've got priorities
that I've got to balance what's important to both of
us with what's important to me, and I'm happy to
do it because I'm crazy about you and I think
that it's worth sacrificing the cycling.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
Thanks, honey. Okay, what's number seven?
Speaker 1 (10:51):
Always? Always, always, always order extra red roles when you
sit down in a restaurant for dinner, because guarantee, miss Happy,
you're sitting next to me is going to steal in
red role. It just happened every single time. Number are never, ever, ever,
ever measure contribution. Fifty to fifty doesn't cut it, like, well.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
It doesn't exist right if you're going to do somethings.
So growing up, I was always taught if you're going
to do something, to it right, yeah the first time?
And how is fifty percent?
Speaker 1 (11:27):
Ever?
Speaker 2 (11:29):
So, depending on the stages and seasons of life, there
are times where my one hundred percent has looked like
twenty percent, sure, because I don't have the capacity that
my full capacity range that I would normally have. But
it's still my one hundred percent. It's what I have
right now to give. But for me to just sit
(11:50):
back and kind of look at what needs to be
done and go, you know what, I'm just going to
give you half of me today.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Yeah. It kind of tilles you with that idea. It's
not my job. Yeah, and that's something that there are
a halful of things that you do far better than me,
and I really appreciate it when you do them, and
I do my best to not do them because when
I do them, we end up with a substandard outcome.
Like if I'm going to cook dinner, it's only a
couple of meals that we really trust me to cook.
I just don't do them very well. But if I've
got to, I will get in there and I'll do it.
(12:16):
You went away recently, had that time at the health retreat.
I looked after meals for a week and the kids
didn't start. They were okay, we were fine. I mean
the kids cooked a couple of meals as well to
get us through, but we were fine. But in terms
of efficiency and in terms of the overall enjoyment that
everyone gets when you do it, it just works better when
you do that. Likewise, you can go and earn some
money for our family, but I'm more effective as a
(12:39):
breadwinner because of the way that our lives have played out,
and we don't look at each other and go, well,
I'm the one that earns the money, so you're the
one who has to do that. It's just we do
what we need to do.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
But that's part of being our team. Yeah, right, So
not everyone's the shooter.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
Right right. Yeah, you've got guards and you've got points,
and you've got wings and whatever else. Yeah, and everyone's
got their role. But you can always sub in. You
can always cover for someone if they're out of position.
You can always help out. And I guess it's not
my job. Fifty to fifty doesn't cut it. Never ever,
ever measure contribution number ten. No, we're up to number nine.
(13:16):
Number nine, you rush me through. So number nine. Based
on our conversation yesterday, this will not come as a
surprise to you that I'm going to say that prioritizing
intimacy needs to be a really big like, it really
matters relationships that are devoid of intimacy. I think what
(13:37):
they can be improved with that when we prioritize it
and make sure that we've got a little bit of
closed your ears kids sexy time. So I just think
I'm putting them in. It's number nine. We don't have
to go any deeper. If you don't want to, let's
just move on to number ten, unless you you don't
want to ask anything. Okay, Confirmation bias can be really strong.
That's how we are as humans. Where wired to notice
(14:00):
things that conform to what we already believe. That's confirmation bias.
So let's talk about politics for a second. If I've
got really strong political views to either the right or
the left of center, whenever anything happens it's.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
In the news, sound very romantic.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
I'll find a way to make sure that it confirms
my already pre existing political beliefs. And it's the same
with our relationships. If I believe that you really are
everything that I think that you are just literally the
most incredible, impeccable choice of a wife that I could
have possibly made. If I believe that and I do,
(14:34):
that means that what I'm going to do is I'm
going to find ways to confirm that, not intentionally but subconsciously.
Everything you do is going to be a subconscious confirmation
to me that my bias was correct. And if you
do things that go against that confirmation, bias. I'm usually
going to become dismissive and say, oh, it was a
one off. That's not who Kylie usually is. That was
an unusual circumstance. Confirmation bias is strong, and we need
(14:57):
to make sure we use it to our advantage because
I've used the positive example of that, but can also
spin around the other way. It can become quite negative.
And if you've got this bias in your mind that
your partner's always a pain, they're always late, they're always tardy,
they're always lazy, they're this, they're that, then you will
start to notice those things as well.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Just like yesterday, my last point was just about perspective
and how it's if we wrote the list of things
we fell in love with and then we actually married
it up with the things that drive us crazy, we'll
probably find that those lists were very similar.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
You loved my energy, I loved your energy, enthusiast my curiosity.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
I loved your curiosity, and yet it just drives me
insane so many times. And if I don't remind myself
that they are the very things that drew me to you, yeah,
they will literally drive me over the years.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
So that's a combination of both reframing and confirmation bias.
You're getting that bias confirmed, and now you've got to
remember that was a good thing, not a bad thing.
That's right, all right? Or eleven on my list is
that no issue should ever be allowed to be bigger
than the love that we share. Now, we covered that
yesterday because it was similar to something that you said,
so I don't think that we need to emphasize that
any further today other than to say that I remember
(16:13):
saying literally to you one day when we were in
the middle of a heated argument and we weren't making
progress because you were stonewalling and you didn't want to
give me anything, and I just said along the lines
of that, I said, clog, no matter what this issue
is that's upsetting you, it doesn't matter in comparison to
how I feel about you. My love for you is
always going to be far bigger than whatever this issue is,
which means we can talk about this issue and it
(16:34):
can't possibly affect how I feel about you. And I
feel like that's been something that has really what's the
word anchored our relationship. I feel like it's something that's
really held us strong. When if we go back to
Number one, it's not brilliant all the time.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Yeah, I think that there's been a lot of baggage
that I've brought into the relationship and having not felt
like I've experienced unconditional love until you. I've waited so
many times for you to just kind of say this
too much, and yet you've proven time and time again
that they're just there. Literally is nothing that's bigger than
(17:12):
the love that you have for me.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
Yeah, there is nothing that is too much. Number twelve Okay,
I've got two to go. Number twelve is never add
to your spouse's struggle. I'm saying never add to your
spouse's struggle because every now and again we do and
say things that are not helpful. And if you're in
a conflict, if you're having a hard time, if your
marriage or relationships a bit rocky, that means that your
(17:34):
spouse or partner is almost certainly struggling. The last thing
they need is for you to make it harder. So
that's why that's my number twelve. My thirteenth and final
idea lesson from twenty five years of marriage is that
you need to marry the person that you love being
with more than anyone else, and then you've got to
work super hard to keep it that way and missus
(17:58):
Happy Families. There is no one, not a single person
on the entire planet that I love being with more
than you, and I'm going to keep on working to
keep it that way. Happy anniversary, Thanks my honey. The
Happy Families Podcasts is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media.
Craig brus is our executive producer. We hope that you
haven't minded the last two days of a little bit
(18:18):
of personal indulgence as we've reflected on what makes marriages work,
or at least what has made ours work, and the
lessons that we've learned from it. Thank you so much
for listening. We'd love to know what you think makes
your marriage your partnership strong. You can email us podcasts
at Happy families dot com dot au and for more
information about making your family happier for you to join
(18:39):
us at our Happy Families memberships. You can find all
the information about the monthly ongoing calm credible support that
we give at Happy families dot com dot aun.
Speaker 2 (18:50):
Oh Always Lucky
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