Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

Described by George Hook as the greatest Irish player never to make it and described by everyone else who knows him as a shallow, self-obsessed idiot.

Episodes

‘The thought of booking a table for one at Shanahan’s on the Green got me through my prison sentence’

October 26, 2024 • 6 mins

Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara rings me. Which is a rare enough occurrence. On the four, maybe five, occasions it’s happened, it’s been to ask me to retrieve the Go Bag that he insists on storing in our attic and to drive him to Dublin Airport.

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JP is staring at me like I’ve said I’m really enjoying his old dear’s OnlyFans account

October 18, 2024 • 6 mins

JP says Chloe is writing a novel based on her college days. He’s like, “She’s hoping to do for DBS what Sally Rooney did for Trinity.”

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‘A threesome?’ Sorcha goes. ‘Why would you think I’d be into having a threesome?’

October 11, 2024 • 6 mins

Sorcha asks if the beef is from a regenerative form and I end up having to look away. Seriously, you can’t bring her anywhere.

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‘Things have changed since you were at school, Sorcha,’ the old man goes. ‘We recognise that traditional media is our enemy now’

October 4, 2024 • 6 mins

Hennessy, the old man and Honor are sitting around the island, looking as thick as thieves. Which is exactly what they are.

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The competition gets under way. The entrants are each told to remove a sock and put it in the pint glass in front of them

September 30, 2024 • 6 mins

Driving through the gates of University College Dublin (UCD) brings back one or two memories. Not that I spent much time in the place when I did the Sports Man Dip course back in the day.

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‘Your father is a moral eunuch, Ross. Those aren’t my words. That was a main finding of the Mahon tribunal’

September 20, 2024 • 6 mins

So we’re in Morton’s of Ranelagh, doing the big shop, when we run into Rebecca Leahy, the old dear of Honor’s classmate Diva Leahy. Actually, she and Sorcha both reach for the last punnet of kumquats in the shop and I watch Sorcha’s body shape change to fight mode until Rebecca goes, “Sorcha! How are you? Oh my God, look at you! You must weigh nothing!”

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The porty invitations were returned with the words, ‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly? Are you focking kidding me?’

September 13, 2024 • 6 mins

I‘ve always worried about Honor – from the time she emerged from her mother’s womb and gave a “fock you” look to the midwife who slapped her orse.

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A lot of things are storting to make sense, including the violin case Leo carries around with him like a Chicago gangster

September 6, 2024 • 6 mins

Leo’s music teacher, Mrs Gordon, says that Leo has a genuine gift for music and I’m thinking that I need this like Ranelagh needs more launderettes with performance spaces.

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‘Our daughter is nothing like Donald Trump, Sorcha – aport from the tan and the vengefulness’

August 30, 2024 • 6 mins

It’s, like, the first day back at school for Honor and she eats her muesli with the quiet, steely-eyed intensity of me doing my traditional 500 sit-ups on the first morning of the Six Nations Championship.

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Sorcha knows my game. She can read me like the instructions on an airplane vomit bag

August 23, 2024 • 6 mins

It’s true what they say – travel really does broaden the mind. And even though I’ve never seen the point of having loads of knowledge in my head when pretty much everything is available on the internet, you can still end up learning things when you go abroad whether you like it or not.

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It’s a miracle Sorcha’s old man has never killed me, though he did buy me a plot in Shanganagh Cemetery for my 40th

August 16, 2024 • 6 mins

Sorcha says this is the worst thing I’ve ever done to her. It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever done to her. It’s not even in the top 10. But I don’t think it’s going to help my case if I stort running through some of my greatest hits.

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‘Are you aware that your children are Protestants now?’

August 9, 2024 • 6 mins

So — yeah, no — Oisínn has landed himself an unbelievably cushy job. As a matter of fact, I have to ask him to repeat himself because I presume I’ve, like, misheard him?

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How do you become a Protestant? ‘You have to drink the blood of a Sussex chicken on Dalkey Island under a gibbous moon’

August 2, 2024 • 6 mins

Alice says that was a very interesting reading by me the other morning. She says she’s never heard the story of the Prodigal Son told in that way before.

I’m there, “You mean all the different voices?”

She goes, “The voices, yes – but also the sound effects.”

I’m there, “I wanted to, you know, put a bit of welly into it for the audience. I was a bit of a showman in my rugby days. I think what we’re finding out is that it’s a q...

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Honor has picked a theme for her year as Mount Anville head girl: ‘Vengeance’

July 26, 2024 • 6 mins

I’ve never been one of those parents. You know the kind I’m talking about. Their kid does a poo for the first time sitting on a toilet and they’re taking out an ad in The Irish Times to announce the news. It’s genuinely rare that I find myself in a position to say – like I did on Friday – that I’m proud of one of my children. Honor has now completed exactly half of her community service hours for vandalising hundreds of SUVs across...

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‘Protestants are not that much different from us. I mean, they’re definitely less craic, but they get sh*t done’

July 19, 2024 • 6 mins

I’m not usually one of those, what I like to call Flat White Wankers, but that’s what I’m drinking this morning, sitting outside the Happy Out Café on the seafront in Dún Laoghaire.

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‘What’s on offer,’ she goes, smiling, ‘is eternal life,’ and I do believe she’s flirting

July 12, 2024 • 6 mins

Leo is the first of us to get restless. He goes, “Oh my God, this is so boring!” and this is in the middle of the Protestant equivalent of, like, Mass?

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‘Ross, it’s not just a case of filling out a form and – hey, presto – you’re a Protestant’

July 5, 2024 • 6 mins

If getting Brian, Johnny and Leo into a new school means changing my religion and getting up on Sunday mornings, then I’ll do it

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Honor goes, ‘I was into Taylor Swift before, like, anyone?’

June 28, 2024 • 6 mins

Christian is sitting at our usual table in 3fe on Sussex Terrace and I can tell instantly that something is up. When you’ve played ten to someone’s twelve, you can have no secrets from each other. Fact of rugby, fact of life.

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Sorcha goes, ‘You had an erotic dream – about my mom?’

June 21, 2024 • 6 mins

So I’m in the cor with Sorcha and we’re on the way to Clonskeagh to collect Brian, Johnny and Leo from school. Yeah, no, they’re finishing up today and we’re bringing them out for lunch to say fair focks to them for going another year without being expelled. Like most south Dublin parents, we set a very low bor for our children.

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Sorcha refuses to meet my eye. And I don’t blame her – setting up her own daughter like this

June 14, 2024 • 6 mins

It’s the old Jonny Bell that hits me first – a combination of bacon, cheese and Tom Ford Portofino that comes wafting up the stairs and under the bedroom door looking for me.

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}‘The thought of booking a table for one at Shanahan’s on the Green got me through my prison sentence’

.css-r6mb8g{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:1;overflow:hidden;}JP is staring at me like I’ve said I’m really enjoying his old dear’s OnlyFans account

‘A threesome?’ Sorcha goes. ‘Why would you think I’d be into having a threesome?’

‘Things have changed since you were at school, Sorcha,’ the old man goes. ‘We recognise that traditional media is our enemy now’

The competition gets under way. The entrants are each told to remove a sock and put it in the pint glass in front of them

‘Your father is a moral eunuch, Ross. Those aren’t my words. That was a main finding of the Mahon tribunal’

The porty invitations were returned with the words, ‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly? Are you focking kidding me?’

A lot of things are storting to make sense, including the violin case Leo carries around with him like a Chicago gangster

‘Our daughter is nothing like Donald Trump, Sorcha – aport from the tan and the vengefulness’

Sorcha knows my game. She can read me like the instructions on an airplane vomit bag

It’s a miracle Sorcha’s old man has never killed me, though he did buy me a plot in Shanganagh Cemetery for my 40th

‘Are you aware that your children are Protestants now?’

How do you become a Protestant? ‘You have to drink the blood of a Sussex chicken on Dalkey Island under a gibbous moon’

Honor has picked a theme for her year as Mount Anville head girl: ‘Vengeance’

‘Protestants are not that much different from us. I mean, they’re definitely less craic, but they get sh*t done’

‘What’s on offer,’ she goes, smiling, ‘is eternal life,’ and I do believe she’s flirting

‘Ross, it’s not just a case of filling out a form and – hey, presto – you’re a Protestant’

Honor goes, ‘I was into Taylor Swift before, like, anyone?’

Sorcha goes, ‘You had an erotic dream – about my mom?’

Sorcha refuses to meet my eye. And I don’t blame her – setting up her own daughter like this

Popular Podcasts

‘The thought of booking a table for one at Shanahan’s on the Green got me through my prison sentence’

JP is staring at me like I’ve said I’m really enjoying his old dear’s OnlyFans account