Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

Described by George Hook as the greatest Irish player never to make it and described by everyone else who knows him as a shallow, self-obsessed idiot.

Episodes

Honor and Liesel are both smiling and it’s like driving towards a cor with its lights on full beam. I end up having to turn away

May 31, 2024 • 6 mins

The school concert hall is absolutely rammers this afternoon. We’re talking, like, 1,000 students and parents crammed between the walls to hear the result of the election for Mount Anville Head Girl for 2024-2025 and I haven’t seen Honor looking so pleased with herself since the time she swapped her old dear’s hair conditioning mask for Veet.

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‘Goys – it’s time that I got the tattoo’

May 24, 2024 • 6 mins

It’s Friday afternoon in London, the day before the European Champions Cup final. We’ve spent the last three hours talking about our favourite memories from our years following Leinster.

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‘Ross, someone has put up a poster of Honor on Foster Avenue.’ Apporently kompromat is the solution?

May 17, 2024 • 6 mins

So I’m driving along Vico Road – one of the bits of the road where two cors can barely pass – when I notice a black SUV coming towards me at speed...

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‘What if she wins, Ross? I’ve already heard some of the other moms refer to her as the Trump candidate’

May 10, 2024 • 6 mins

“Oh my God,” Sorcha goes, “what is she doing?” Yeah, no, she’s talking about Honor, who’s smiling so hord that it looks like someone has jammed a coat hanger in her mouth sideways.

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Can’t a father and son go for a pint without there being some, I don’t know, anterior motive?

May 3, 2024 • 6 mins

So it’s, like, Friday night and I’m having the usual pints with the goys in The Bridge. Dave Kearney asks how we’re getting on with a big smirk on his face. We’re all, like, crowded around my phone.

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Honor is only running for Mount Anville head girl to downgrade her old dear’s greatest life achievement

April 27, 2024 • 6 mins

The old man steps into the kitchen with a Montecristo the size of a rolled-up yoga mat burning between his fat fingers. Sorcha storts coughing – her passive-aggressive way of telling him that we don’t allow smoking in this house – but he just ignores her, like he did when she tried to introduce a similar rule about shoes.

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‘There’s a video of me doing the rounds on this famous Tick Tocks dot com’

April 22, 2024 • 6 mins

How quickly the years go by. That’s what I’m thinking as I’m taking the right turn at Donnybrook Bus Depot.

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‘You should be ashamed of yourselves! We’re old enough to be your parents and we’ve taken you to three sets!’

April 12, 2024 • 6 mins

I had my nightmare again last night, the one where I have a one-night stand with Taylor Swift and then I ghost the girl and she ends up writing 15 or 16 songs about me and they’re on the radio constantly. And – yeah, no – I woke up screaming.

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‘If you play that match, Ross, our marriage is over’

April 8, 2024 • 6 mins

Sorcha is upset. I totally get that? But I haven’t seen her over-react like this since I ate a tin of macadamias from the hotel mini-bor on a weekend city break in Ljubljana.

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‘You are not having a hort attack! I’m not allowing it!’

March 29, 2024 • 6 mins

Réaltín smiles. Which might well be a first for her. Yeah, no, we’re in Baldoyle of all places, playing Thor Frimann and Lisa Murray – the reigning champions – in the semi-finals of the mixed doubles at the Leinster Padel Championships. It’s, like, one set apiece and we’re winning 5-4 in the third.

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‘I didn’t play football for Rathnew. I didn’t play football for anyone. I resent the allegation’

March 22, 2024 • 5 mins

I tell Honor that I’m proud of her.

I’m there, “Obviously, I don’t mean that literally?” because all she’s actually done is spend her Paddy’s Day picking litter up off the beach in Curracloe as port of her community service. “I’m proud of the way you’re, like, owning what you did?”

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Three European Cups, three Six Nations, one Grand Slam – but never winning a Leinster Schools Senior Cup clearly still rankles Heaslip

March 15, 2024 • 5 mins

I’m the first to arrive. I order a pint of the obvious and I do a quick circuit of the place. There’s no one here yet, even though I said eight o’clock and it’s quarter-past already. Fr Fehily wouldn’t have put up with that. What was it he used to say? Better three hours too early than a minute too late?

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‘Don’t tell me I don’t know Ross O’Carroll-Kelly. You bullied me for most of secondary school’

March 8, 2024 • 5 mins

I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later.

“Ross?” the dude goes, pulling a face at me across the net. “Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?”

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‘I haven’t cheated on you in, like, 10 years, though – well, let’s just say a long time’

March 1, 2024 • 5 mins

Sorcha asks me straight out if I’m having an affair.

I’m like, “Why would you even think that?”

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Honor rubs at the graffiti with a dainty, circular motion, like she’s applying foundation to the face of an elderly loved one

February 23, 2024 • 6 mins

I haven’t seen Honor look this angry since the time she spear-tackled a woman who tried to cheat her out of first place in the sack race at the Castle Pork Dalkey Open Sports Day.

She’s like, “What ... the ... fock?”

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Sorcha goes, ‘I don’t need a 26-old copy of Cosmopolitan to tell me that I married the wrong man’

February 16, 2024 • 6 mins

Sorcha says she’s sorry and I’m there, “Hey, it’s cool,” even though I’ve no idea what she’s even apologising for?

She goes, “Oh my God, I was such an idiot.”

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Our daughter came out of the womb with two middle fingers raised to the world. That’s not down to us

February 10, 2024 • 6 mins

“If some wooden comes at you with a shank,” Ronan goes, “grab them be the wrist and twist it, then hit them at the base of the nose with the heel of yisser hand, driving upwards. Upwards – that’s it."

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'I’ve got my top off, and Réaltín’s looking at me like my old man turning his nose up at cheap steak'

February 2, 2024 • 5 mins

So I’m shaking hands with Hugh and Marie Atcheson after our latest victory in the Leinster Padel Championships and the famous Réaltín – as in, like, my mixed doublesportner? – is just, like, glowering at me.

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‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly is not the victim. She is a highly intelligent young woman from a privileged background’

January 26, 2024 • 7 mins

Honor pretends to sneeze, but instead of ‘achoo!’ she goes ‘fock you!’ to the prosecution barrister

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‘How could the child of a mother who puts the mental into environmental action grow up with a moral compass?’

January 19, 2024 • 6 mins

So Honor is lying on her bed, her nose stuck in her phone, presumably trolling people on social media, when I tell her that Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara is here to talk about her case.

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