Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

Described by George Hook as the greatest Irish player never to make it and described by everyone else who knows him as a shallow, self-obsessed idiot.

Episodes

I’m always telling Sorcha to tone down the southside when we come out to Bray but she never listens

June 20, 2025 • 6 mins

I’m like, “Bray?”

And Sorcha’s there, “Yes, Ross – Bray!”

I’m like, “But why do we have to go to Bray?” sounding like a spoiled child – in other words, one of ours.

irishtimes.com

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‘I haven’t really been living before now,’ Brett tells his wife. ‘Ross has slept with more than 800 women’

June 13, 2025 • 6 mins

So it’s, like, ridiculous o’clock on a Saturday morning – we’re talking nine, ten, something like that – and I hear a ring on the front doorbell, followed, a short time later, by the sound of a woman’s voice going, “Is this the home of Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?”

irishtimes.com

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‘I’m not even a bit stressed,’ Honor goes, ‘I haven’t done a focking tap for these exams’

June 6, 2025 • 5 mins

Sorcha thinks we should maybe check on Honor and there’s an air of definite excitement in her voice when she says it? Yeah, no, it’s the night before the stort of the Leaving Cert and my wife is absolutely determined that this should be one of those mother-daughter moments...

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He obviously decided that he’d wasted his life, focusing on career, marriage and family goals

May 30, 2025 • 6 mins

Sorcha tells me that I need to do something and obviously, I’m like, “Er – as in?”

Yeah, no, Angela – the wife of my brother slash half-brother – has been on the phone from the States and Sorcha is running out of excuses....

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We’ve been through so much. I slept with two of JP’s ex-girlfriends, and Christian’s actual mother and even that didn’t break us up

May 23, 2025 • 6 mins

“So this dude here,” Oisinn goes – and he means me, “he tucks the ball under his orm, beats five players and crosses the try-line under the posts. But he doesn’t ground the ball there. No, he puts it down in the corner to make the conversion horder for himself"...

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Honor goes, ‘People will talk about my speech for years to come. And that’s just in the libel courts’

May 18, 2025 • 6 mins

My daughter is giving the valedictory at the Mount Anville graduation, and there’s a little something in it for everyone

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Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘My old dear doesn’t have the embarrassment gene. It’s a South Dublin thing’

May 9, 2025 • 6 mins

So – yeah, no – the old dear is in the swimming pool when we rock up to the nursing home, doing her – I don’t know – hydrotherapy exercises? She’s dancing to Shania Twain’s Man! I Feel Like a Woman! while holding a beach ball and she has singlehandedly cured me of my fetish for women in wet swimwear.

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Honor is staring at Brett like he’s an ATM and she’s sitting in a JCB, trying to work the levers

April 25, 2025 • 6 mins

Brett asks me what she was like when she was younger. I’m like, “Who?” He goes, “Our mother.” And it’s random because I’ve never thought of the old dear ever being – like he said – young.

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‘That picture The Last Supper is weird. They’re all sitting on the same side of the table’

April 18, 2025 • 6 mins

So – yeah, no – I grab a stick of Heinemite from the fridge and I ask Sorcha, “Who’s the kid in the bow tie?” The reason I ask is because I don’t trust kids in bow ties. I’m on the record as saying that putting a bow tie on any human being turns him straight away into an insufferable dickhead. We’re talking nightclub bouncers. We’re talking wine waiters. We’re talking clowns.

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Honor goes, ‘I’m editing the school yearbook photographs of anyone who pissed me off’

April 13, 2025 • 5 mins

Honor is sitting at her computer doing fock knows what? Although I’d be shocked if it was homework. I’m there, “Honor, I need you to brace yourself – for some news.”

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‘Imagine no possessions. I wonder if you can,’ the old dear sings. Her earrings cost more than my cor

April 4, 2025 • 6 mins

She’s sitting in the window of the, whatever you want to call it, nursing home, playing the piano – badly, I might add – and I get a sudden flashback to my childhood. This is what she did whenever we had, like, visitors coming to the gaff.

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‘I most certainly do have an American accent,’ I tell my supposed half-brother. ‘I’m from south Dublin’

March 28, 2025 • 6 mins

For, like, 30 seconds, I’m as quiet as Thomond Pork since 2019 and the dude ends up having to repeat himself.

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Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I hate my children too. Like, how could three kids of mine turn out to be such dicks?’

March 21, 2025 • 6 mins

So it’s, like, Paddy’s Day and me and the goys have arranged to go for our usual walk on Killiney Hill with the kids. They’re already waiting for us in the cor pork – we’re talking JP with little Isa, we’re talking Fionn with Hillary, we’re talking Christian with Ross Junior and Oliver and we’re talking Oisinn with little Paavo.

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Most schools fear Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara like they would a typhoid outbreak

March 15, 2025 • 7 mins

Honor says she’s not worried. She says she couldn’t give two focks. But Sorcha’s like, “Well, you’d better give two focks. This is a serious matter. A head girl has never been expelled, Honor – not in the 170-year history of this school.”

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I’m there to Honor, ‘You’ve never been good at school. I always thought you took after me’

March 7, 2025 • 6 mins

“The fock is this?” I go. Yeah, no, I’m doing the morning school run, crawling up Trees Road in a procession of all-terrain vehicles, like an invading ormy, when Honor hands me a piece of paper. She goes, “It’s, like, my results – from, like, my mocks?

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‘I haven’t come here today to listen to you badmouth my mother – the axe-faced old trout'

February 28, 2025 • 6 mins

Conor Hession sits on the terrace, nursing a vodka lorge enough to put a grizzly bear to sleep. He’s like, “She was quite the most conniving, the most calculating, the most manipulative person I’ve ever met. And completely devoid of human feeling, of course.”

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‘My old dear said you had a kid together. Well, I’m its half-brother. Or half-sister if it’s a girl’

February 21, 2025 • 6 mins

Sorcha rings me and there’s an air of, like, panic in her voice? She goes, “Ross, where are you?” Yeah, no, we’re in Portugal for midterm – along with the rest of south Dublin – and I’m on the road from Quinta do Lago to Vilamoura. Although I don’t tell her that.

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‘Only cheat with someone who’s married. It’s the principle of mutually assured destruction’

February 14, 2025 • 6 mins

Sorcha goes, “This is exciting, isn’t it, Ross?” because – yeah, no – we’re having dinner in Iguazu, a new hipster restaurant on Camden Street, where there’s no actual menu and an algorithm chooses what you’re going to eat based on the answers you provide to 10 questions when you’re booking.

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‘I strip down to my boxers. I can always drive home commando. Wouldn’t be the first time’

February 7, 2025 • 6 mins

Dalisay says she’s in the pool. I’m like, “The pool?” “Yes,” she goes. “Your mother likes to swim every morning. Would you like to see her?” I’m there, “In a way, no? But I suppose that’s what I’m here for, isn’t it? So I suppose – yeah, no – lead the way.” I walk with her from the old dear’s private ward to the actual gym.

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When Ronan was 10, I said, ‘I need to have the chat with you about sex.’ And he said, ‘What are you wanting to know, Rosser?’

January 31, 2025 • 6 mins

The Broken Orms is absolutely packed to the rafters for the engagement porty of Tina, the mother of my firstborn, to Tom, her fireman boyfriend, who famously played 300 matches in the All Ireland League, albeit for Bornhall.

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}I’m always telling Sorcha to tone down the southside when we come out to Bray but she never listens

.css-r6mb8g{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:1;overflow:hidden;}‘I haven’t really been living before now,’ Brett tells his wife. ‘Ross has slept with more than 800 women’

‘I’m not even a bit stressed,’ Honor goes, ‘I haven’t done a focking tap for these exams’

He obviously decided that he’d wasted his life, focusing on career, marriage and family goals

We’ve been through so much. I slept with two of JP’s ex-girlfriends, and Christian’s actual mother and even that didn’t break us up

Honor goes, ‘People will talk about my speech for years to come. And that’s just in the libel courts’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘My old dear doesn’t have the embarrassment gene. It’s a South Dublin thing’

Honor is staring at Brett like he’s an ATM and she’s sitting in a JCB, trying to work the levers

‘That picture The Last Supper is weird. They’re all sitting on the same side of the table’

Honor goes, ‘I’m editing the school yearbook photographs of anyone who pissed me off’

‘Imagine no possessions. I wonder if you can,’ the old dear sings. Her earrings cost more than my cor

‘I most certainly do have an American accent,’ I tell my supposed half-brother. ‘I’m from south Dublin’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I hate my children too. Like, how could three kids of mine turn out to be such dicks?’

Most schools fear Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara like they would a typhoid outbreak

I’m there to Honor, ‘You’ve never been good at school. I always thought you took after me’

‘I haven’t come here today to listen to you badmouth my mother – the axe-faced old trout'

‘My old dear said you had a kid together. Well, I’m its half-brother. Or half-sister if it’s a girl’

‘Only cheat with someone who’s married. It’s the principle of mutually assured destruction’

‘I strip down to my boxers. I can always drive home commando. Wouldn’t be the first time’

When Ronan was 10, I said, ‘I need to have the chat with you about sex.’ And he said, ‘What are you wanting to know, Rosser?’

Popular Podcasts

I’m always telling Sorcha to tone down the southside when we come out to Bray but she never listens

‘I haven’t really been living before now,’ Brett tells his wife. ‘Ross has slept with more than 800 women’