August 26, 2025 • 38 mins
What if the missing piece in your recovery journey isn't more discipline or accountability, but specific kinds of rest you've been overlooking?
Dr. Sondra Dalton-Smith's concept of "sacred rest" offers a framework for understanding why many of us remain stuck in cycles of unwanted sexual behavior despite our best efforts. Kyle Bowman and I explore how three distinct types of rest—physical, mental, and emotional—directly impact our ability to heal from sexual brokenness.
This conversation challenges the subtle Gnosticism that pervades Christian thinking—the idea that physical limitations are spiritual weaknesses rather than divine design. Even Jesus slept! Your recovery journey might transform not through trying harder but through resting more intentionally in the ways your body, mind, and heart truly need.
Resources:
Healthy, Holy Alternatives from Awaken 360
Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend
For more information or to join click one of the links below.
Manna - Men seeking freedom from unwanted sexual behavior, temptation, and shame.
Oasis - Women seeking freedom from unwanted sexual behavior, temptation, and shame.
Compass - Wives seeking healing from betrayal and broken trust.
Awaken Men's Retreat 2025 - Register Today!
Sacred By Design Women's Retreat 2025 - Register Today!
Free Resources to help you on your journey to Becoming Whole
👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
What if a lack of specific kinds of rest is
hampering your recovery efforts?
What if healing from betrayaltrauma has to do with being
tired in ways that sleep alonecannot heal?
What if your parenting looksmore like busy and crowded
American culture and less likeauthentic culture, authentic
(00:22):
Christian culture that creates aspace for your children to
thrive, including in theirsexuality?
Today I'm joined by Kyle Bowman, our director of ministry.
Kyle, welcome, so glad to haveyou on Becoming Whole today.
Always a joy to speak with you.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Always a joy to be with you too, James.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
And we're going to explore a book called Sacred
Rest by a medical doctor namedSondra Dalton-Smith.
This is a book.
She's not doing hard science inthis book, but she's observing
in her primary care practicetypes of rest that people need.
She says at one point in thebook sleeping in for another few
(01:03):
hours on a Saturday might notbe what you need.
She identifies seven differenttypes of rest.
So we're going to get intothose today and we're
specifically going to look athow those are actually key in
your recovery from sexualbrokenness.
And I just want to remind youthat a few months ago, we put
out a podcast about basicallyour limits.
Right, we talked aboutbreathing, hydration, food,
(01:28):
sleep and even exercise and howall of those at least the first
four are God-given limits.
We literally need air or wewill not survive, and so part of
what we're trying to do,friends, is we're trying to
bring us into a fullness of hey,we are both spiritual and
physical creatures.
We talk a lot about what itmeans to grow spiritually on
(01:50):
this podcast, being connectedwith the Lord, but we also need
to recognize that God made usphysical creatures, and so if we
were to say I have no limitsbecause in God I'm unlimited.
That just simply wouldn't betrue.
He designed us to need thingsmost fundamentally himself, but
also rest that comes from him.
Okay, so we're going to see.
(02:10):
This might end up being one ortwo episodes, but we're going to
get into these seven kinds ofrest and look at how these can
really aid you in your recoveryjourney.
So, without further ado, numberone is physical rest.
Dalton Smith defines this asresting the body.
This is the most obvious.
It's probably the first thingyou thought of when you heard
(02:31):
the word rest and she gets intowhen you need it.
You need it when your body istired, especially after physical
exertion.
She also talks about how to getit.
Again the podcast from a fewmonths ago.
You can check out our episodeson physical disciplines right
Breathing, hydration, sleep butI want to just highlight one
(02:51):
here that we didn't touch on inthat episode.
This is a really interesting one, kyle, I don't know if you've
ever done this, but DrDolan-Smith encourages a
five-minute body scan where youliterally lay down or sit down
in a comfortable enough position.
Body scan where you literallylay down or sit down in a
comfortable enough position andyou're just.
You know, maybe you're takingsome somewhat deep breaths, but
you're just noticing your body,noticing okay, I've got tension
(03:14):
in my jaw right now.
I'm holding my stomach reallytight, my leg feels pain, I'm
feeling pain in my knee, or thisis so antithetical, kyle, to
American culture.
It's like can I just distractmyself from every bit of
discomfort and pain 24-7?
.
But what I found?
I haven't done it in a littlewhile, but I found that, whoa,
(03:38):
there's so much more going onhere and I can kind of invite
Jesus into those places LikeLord.
I am really tense in my backright now and just noticing that
and kind of bringing that tohim.
Kyle, have you ever experiencedthat?
Or how have you found physicalrest to help in recovery?
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Yeah, absolutely, and the body scan is really helpful
because I think sometimespeople don't realize that things
that happen in the course ofthe day you can hold in your
body.
You can hold emotion in yourbody, you can hold trauma in
(04:15):
your body and you may realizethat there is a specific place
in your body that you're holdingit, a specific place in your
body that you're holding it.
So it's really important to beable to notice what's happening
physically, and I think theother thing that that does is it
also alerts you to.
(04:36):
Is there something physicallythat I need to address, because
our culture is really big on.
Let's push through the pain,right.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
You know I pop something.
You know I take some aspirin orsome Tylenol or whatever and.
I push through it, you know, andI get through it, and then when
I can get on the other side,then maybe I'll take some time
and rest, but that is sodamaging to the recovery process
(05:07):
.
Your body being in good orderis one of the most important
things that can help you besuccessful in continued recovery
.
Be successful in continuedrecovery Because when something
(05:28):
is hurting, when something isout of whack, you're going to
want to do something to make itfeel better.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Kyle, when I, you know, I was about a year into my
recovery and I was no longergoing to pornography and
masturbation, I loved to hike.
Something I noticed afterhaving some measure of sobriety
was that I started gettingtension headaches on hikes.
This is really frustrating.
(05:55):
It's still been a journey I'vebeen on.
It's gotten a lot better overthe years.
I think I mentioned in thatprevious episode I was
referencing that electrolyteshave really helped.
But one of the things I noticed,kyle, is that for me and for so
many others, part of what we'reactually medicating through our
sexual behavior, part of whatyour spouse, who might be
struggling with pornography, orthose who are listening who
(06:16):
struggle, you might be actuallymedicating physical tension and
our emotions.
We're going to get intoemotional rest in just a bit
that's one of the seven but ouremotions are felt physically and
so so much of the anxiety, kyle, that I was pushing down all
those years was now surfacingand perhaps even if I was still
(06:37):
in the midst of the addiction,if I were to do this kind of
body scan, I might have noticedlike whoa, there's so much.
My body's like a, like it feelslike an, you know, uh, waves,
tossing and turning, like it isnot at rest, and maybe there
could have even been aninvitation there for the lord to
help me learn how to attune tocalm myself.
(06:58):
But instead of doing that, Iwas calming myself in a large
part through the chemicalrelease of masturbation that did
so much to calm my body down,brought so much peace to my
muscles, but it was coping in asinful way that didn't actually
bring life.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
Yeah, and again, like I think, even now, as I think
about talking to some of myclients about checking in with
their bodies, it's a light bulb.
So it's sort of this momentwhere they go wait, like I
didn't realize that this pain inmy knee that's been bothering
(07:38):
me and bothering me andbothering me is causing me to
turn and seek some sort ofcomfort because they they might
think that it was because ofsomething else.
It was, oh, I just today wasjust, I just felt out of sorts,
but it could be physical painthat you've gotten so used to
(08:03):
dealing with that you don'trealize that there is this
moment that you're using to turntowards something else, to even
get that out of your brain.
And so I really I often talk toclients about just checking in
with their body.
What are you feeling, Not onlyemotionally, but what are you
(08:25):
feeling in your body when somethings are coming up for you,
when you're looking to turntoward hooking up or
masturbation or whatever,whatever you're turning to Check
in with your body just to seewhat's happening and how you're
feeling physically.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
I'm also reminded, kyle, that so many of the major
heresies throughout Christianityhave been heresies of
Gnosticism.
Spiritual or mental, orethereal is good, physical or
bodily is bad, it's whatever.
And so there's something herethat we're saying.
(09:05):
To pushing against that, we'resaying hey, god actually cares
for your body.
Uh, jesus slept.
We have accounts of that.
He actually slept, that he wasnot awake 24, seven, right.
And so his body, as as in hishumanity, fully God, fully man
in his humanity, needed sleep torepair.
(09:27):
What an amazing thought.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
We got to keep moving .
Mental rest is number two.
So now we are going toward thatthe mental side of things.
Dr Darlene Smith defines thisas relinquishing the thoughts
entering the mind and movingtowards cerebral stillness.
Oof cerebral stillness notsomething I'm the best at.
She says you need it aftermental exertion, especially when
(09:52):
you're noticing your thoughtsruminate.
Okay, so let me give a few waysthat we can get it and we'll
talk about it.
This is really interesting.
I learned this recently.
Thomas Aquinas, one of theheavyweight Christian thinkers
of the last 2000 years.
He actually taught that we needthis is wild.
(10:13):
Like this is a guy 700 yearsago, a monk.
This is not what we wouldexpect from a monk.
Okay, he says we need fun whenwe are mentally tired.
He says that if we just try togo to sleep, our dreams don't
shut.
You know our mind doesn't shutoff and we're still going to
maybe be in mental stress orlack of stillness.
We actually need fun and, kyle,I see you smiling because I
(10:36):
haven't.
I can't count the amount oftimes you've told me this in our
supervision times.
What are you doing for fun?
What are you doing to enjoysomething for its own sake?
So one way to think about thisis you might enjoy going to the
gym because it's good, it'sphysical exercise, but if you
wouldn't do it for its own sake,if you wouldn't do it without
(10:57):
the physical benefits, that'snot what we're talking about
here.
You need fun, obviously.
You need stuff like that too.
Exercise is so good, but youneed fun things that you would
do even if they didn't provide,like, a secondary benefit.
Um, like, you know, physicalhealth or whatever.
So, kyle, just stop right therefor a second.
Like, what do you?
(11:19):
How do you think about thiswith clients when they're stuck
in there?
Um, you especially work withwomen who are dealing with
unwanted sexual behaviors.
Like, how do you encourage themtoward fun and what have you
found with that?
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Some of it is just having a conversation around
what is it that is fun for youand and and, just like you
talked about?
You know, some people will talkabout exercise and again it's
like, ok, is it fun?
Or like are you doing itbecause I know I need to keep my
body in shape?
What are the things that, if Iwere to ask you about it right
(11:55):
now, you would instantly startto smile, and that's usually
what I try to use as anindicator for experiencing some
joy and fun, because so manypeople will name things that
they enjoy and but it might notnecessarily be joyful as they do
(12:19):
it.
They do it because, like, it'snot a terrible thing, I don't
have to power my way through it,but it's not this thing that I
just light up if somebody talksabout it.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
Right, we're going to link in our show notes.
In a way can we call this thehealthy holy alternatives list,
because we actually need goodpleasure in part of our journey
of overcoming unhealthy orsinful forms of pleasure.
So that is an awesome thing.
I love bringing that up withclients.
I love it when it comes up inAwaken 360.
And it's such.
(13:04):
It is for you and so many ofthe things we found fun as kids.
We stopped when we got into oursexual behavior.
Okay, another way to have somemental rest is getting away from
media.
Man, getting a tech fast.
I brought this up before havinga screen break.
We're going to get more intothat later with another form of
rest called sensory.
(13:25):
But getting away from media canactually help with mental rest.
The news media is constantly,I've noticed.
Actually, I go to the gym andin the men's locker room they
have CNN going on 24-7.
And I'll glance up at theheadline some terrible things
happening somewhere in thecountry or the world all the
time.
I mean they can always find it.
If something terrible ishappening, they're going to let
(13:48):
us know, even if it bearsnothing on our actual life, even
if we could do nothing about it.
So getting away from media.
And one more I'll throw outthere.
This is one of herrecommendations in the book Dr
Dalton Smith.
She says observe your thoughtswithout analyzing or judging.
I don't know about you, kyle,but I can often get into when
(14:08):
I'm in that place of you know,rumination.
It's really hard to justobserve thoughts, thoughts.
But I imagine you found this tobe helpful too.
Allowing your thoughts to kindof move through without trying
to, I don't know, do somethingintense with them can really be
helpful to bring us toward rest.
(14:28):
Maybe you're doing that side byside with Jesus, like Jesus,
help me to just notice thisstuff going on in my brain.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
Yeah, and I think too , what's helpful is maybe for
some people it's helpful to justget the things out.
Like, maybe, especially atnight, it can be hard to turn
your brain off before you go tobed, because maybe you're
(14:57):
thinking about stuff from theday, maybe you're thinking about
the things you have to dotomorrow or next week, or you
know doctor's appointments orwhatever they are.
Maybe it's there's some ideasand thoughts that you have that
you've been thinking about, justthings you want to put some
mental energy toward.
It might be helpful to keep apad and paper next to your bed
(15:22):
and before you go to bed hey,here's some things that I've
been thinking about, here's somethings that are on my mind to
sort of get them out of yourbrain and to leave it, which
keeps you from having to analyzethem to.
You know, go into introspectionwhere you're going.
Oh, I can't believe I've gotthis on my mind.
(15:44):
I need to stop thinking aboutthis, or you know beating
yourself up over something thattook place earlier in the day or
the week, and so why not get itout, in a way, and put it away?
Like you know, I would say, geta notebook where it's closed,
where you can write it, close it, put it away and then you can
(16:07):
make a decision as to whether ornot you need to go back to it.
You know, it might be somethingthat you just need to capture
because maybe three weeks downthe road is something that you
want to put some brain energytoward, but at least you're
(16:27):
having something tangible thatyou're doing with these thoughts
, that you're not just keepingthem within.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Listeners.
We're at a disadvantage here.
We're in a society that has24-7 information.
I love this old Switchfoot song.
It's coming to mind Literallythe lyric was if we're adding to
the noise, turn off this song.
Literally.
There were a handful of timesthroughout my years of listening
to them since I was reallyyoung actually where I would
(16:57):
turn it off because I realized Ineeded some mental rest.
And if you're a computer-basedjob person white-collar job
person, you're at a specialdisadvantage here.
You're not engaging your bodyas much, you're using your mind
all the time.
Some of our blue-collar friendswho are doing more physical
jobs.
They have more of a choice,like do I put in the podcast or
(17:19):
just focus on the task at hand,and that's actually a gift to
them.
Farmers have this as anopportunity.
But if you're like Kyle and Iand you're behind a computer all
day, you undoubtedly need moremental rest than you're getting.
And so one challenge could bedon't listen to music in the car
or in the shower, you know nexttime.
Like Find little outlets.
(17:41):
Maybe you can't do a 24-hourtech fast right now, maybe you
need to work up to that, butfind outlets 10 minutes here or
there throughout your day sothat you're not flooded.
I've noticed this, kyle If Idon't give my mind room to
process throughout a given dayand a given week, it's like
they're still there just waitingto come up.
These thoughts, for me at least, seem to need to be processed
(18:04):
to some degree, or at least needto kind of run through my mind
so they can come to a place ofrest, and so that's a really
important thing to consider.
Many of us strugglers are alsousing pornography to squelch
hard mental.
You know hard thoughts thatwe're dealing with and aren't
(18:24):
even aware of.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
And maybe there's a person that you could outwardly
process with.
You know, not everybody canprocess internally, so what
might it be like to have aperson that is available to help
you mentally process if youneed to talk it out loud, maybe
you have a pet and you processwith your pet.
(18:47):
You know you could tell the dogsit, and dog will stay there
and you could talk and you couldprocess that way.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
And I would even offer that maybe there are some
spiritual practices.
One of the things that,especially in the evening, that
helps me is like I've used theapp Lectio 365.
And they have a morning and anevening.
It's a great way to calm themind, to get your mind refocused
(19:20):
.
There's a scripture that I liketo use sometime at night.
This is from Psalm 8.
Oh, I'm sorry, psalm 4, verse 8.
It says In peace, I will bothlie down and sleep for you alone
, o Lord.
Make me dwell in safety, medwell in safety.
(19:45):
So that's another way ofhelping to calm my mind, to
bring my thoughts centeredtoward the Lord, to help take
away all of that ruminating andracing thoughts and to really
help me slow down and to have aplace of focus that's good and
healthy and holy and safe.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
Absolutely.
Here's our third area of rest.
This is the biggest one for meand probably many of you
struggle with this.
By the way, dr Dalton Smith hasa little rest quiz again, not
like hard science here, but aself-reflection quiz.
It will be in the show notesfor you to notice.
Okay, which of these areas am Imaybe lacking the most in?
(20:25):
This was the one for me lasttime I took this.
She defines emotional rest asnot feeling the need to perform
or meet external expectations,the cessation of emotional
striving.
Here's how you know you need it.
You might need it afteroffering sympathy, consolation
or encouragement.
Kyle and I do a lot of that inour work here at Regen, so that
(20:48):
might explain a little bit of itfor me.
But another area is afterexperiencing challenging
emotions from within or fromanother Feeling really angry
about something really sad, alot of shame or fear you might
need emotional rest.
A third way or third area thatmight cause the need for
emotional rest is afterperforming, after wearing a mask
(21:11):
for others, hiding where we'rereally at.
Man, that one definitely hits,probably for me and for a lot of
people listening.
That one definitely hits,probably for me and for a lot of
people listening.
So many of us are in that placeof performance so often with
people.
So here are some of the ways shedescribes how to get emotional
rest.
One is vulnerability beingvulnerable with God, with others
(21:34):
, safe people you know those whoare safe to be vulnerable with,
people we don't feel like weneed to hide, or at least don't
need to hide certain parts thatwe might be hiding throughout
the day.
Another one I'll throw outthere from Dr Dalton Smith is
reflecting on what situationsand people leave you emotionally
drained and, by the way, thisis not an invitation to just cut
(21:55):
off people.
You know, good vibes, only thatkind of mindset that is not a
Christian mindset.
We're called to actually lovethose who are poor in spirit,
including you know thisemotional exhaustion, but we
need to learn and see if thereare ways God is calling us to
engage or disengage, becausejust because someone is
struggling doesn't mean we'realways the one that is called to
(22:18):
be there for them.
It's actually really importantthat they have others, including
God, and we're not the Saviorin this story.
That's interesting.
There's some nuance in that,kyle.
But thinking about whatsituations leave you emotionally
drained.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
Yeah, and I think we don't always realize that we
have come away from somethingemotionally drained.
We might be able to identifysome emotions that we're feeling
.
Right, we walk away fromsomething oh, I'm angry, oh I'm
sad, I'm upset but you don'trealize how that thing has
(22:56):
depleted you, how that situationhas depleted you.
You can name what you'refeeling, but you don't
understand what it's done to youin a way of depleting you.
And so, again, we talked aboutearlier about body scan.
That's helpful too, becausepeople can say there's a tight
(23:20):
in my chest or there's a knot inmy stomach or butterflies, or I
realize I have rapid breathingafter I've engaged around this
particular topic.
Like I said, maybe you've heardsome really hard information
that the person has, you know,had something tragic and hard
(23:43):
happen, and you walk away andyou realize, oh my gosh, like
I've got butterflies in mystomach.
That's an emotional response towhat you've heard.
And so, thinking about ways torelease that, you know what are
the ways that you can get thatout of your body?
(24:03):
If it means some movement, to beable to move, to get safe
people who are the safe peoplethat you can process with, and
to be able to process with in away that doesn't ramp you up
more, with in a way that doesn'tramp you up more, because if
(24:25):
you have, maybe there's acontentious situation and you're
just feeling just like a ballof knots after it.
Afterward it's easy then to goand process with somebody and go
daggone, la, la, la, la la, andyou ramp yourself up really
high, even higher, and so whatmight it even mean in the moment
that you do afterwards?
(24:45):
Do you need to even just dosome breathing afterwards?
Is there something that you cando to help yourself refocus?
Is there a scripture that youcan recite that will help kind
of refocus you and recenter youso that when you process, you
(25:08):
can process in a healthy way,and that's.
I'm not trying to squashanybody's emotions, because for
some things, you know, anger isvalid, and so the question
becomes are you expressing theanger in a way that's healthy?
Speaker 1 (25:26):
Instead of taking our anger to pornography which is
actually a huge motivation topornography instead of taking
our shame to sexual sin, insteadof taking our sadness to acting
out with another person Likethese are things that actually
we often do, and how much morethan is there an invitation to
(25:46):
take it to God, to take thesethings to Jesus, to others, like
you were saying, kyle, and toeven perhaps validate this is
such a helpful term when itcomes to emotions.
Validation does not mean youagree with where someone's going
, like I'm angry.
Therefore, x, y and Z shouldhappen to so-and-so.
You don't, you're notvalidating like the desired
(26:10):
actions, but you can validateemotions Like it makes sense
that you're angry, you felt aninjustice happen.
Validating, you can actuallyvalidate yourself Like it makes
sense that I'm angry, it makessense that I'm sad, and this is
a sign of maturity, friends.
This is a sign of maturity whenwe can learn to more and more
validate our own emotions,receive the validation of the
(26:32):
Lord and do that for otherpeople as well.
One other area that can help uswith emotional rest is noticing
where you're comparing yourselfto others.
Dr Dalton Smith says it this waywhat are you trying to
compensate for If there'ssomething that you're noticing,
okay, again, this is anothervery subtle thing that can drive
(26:54):
us toward our unwanted sexualbehaviors.
We're actually wantingsomething in another person that
we feel lacking in ourself,very confident and gregarious,
and I'm feeling very, you know,small that day, or whatever.
It makes sense that that'screating emotional pain and
(27:16):
discomfort, right Like I feellacking in this area and again,
that's something that we canoften try to take to sexual sin.
But, actually reflecting withthe Lord, like Lord, I'm
honestly envious of thatperson's personality right now.
I'm envious of that person'spersonality right now.
I'm envious of their good looks.
I confess that to you becauseyou know envy is sin and he
(27:36):
wants to give us his grace inthat place.
Help me, lord.
Help me to receive your love,even in my weakness, even in the
places that I'm not as strongas I'd like to be, not as strong
as I'd like to be.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Yeah, and one of the ways that I try to walk with
clients in that is you know, youcan go on the internet and you
can look for who I am in Christand you can find a ton of lists
out there that will affirm whoyou are.
And you know the Lord didn'tcreate us to be, you know,
(28:16):
clones of one another.
We are all fearfully andwonderfully made.
We were designed very uniquely.
Each person was designeduniquely with their own gifts
and talents and wants and likesand dislikes.
And we live in a world thatsays you have to have it all and
(28:41):
you need to be this person whocan do it all.
That's not what the body ofChrist is.
I mean, now we think about whatPaul says right in Romans when
he talks about hey, the eyecan't be this other part and the
hand can't say I want to bethis.
We are all uniquely designed tofit into the kingdom, to do our
(29:04):
specific thing.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
That's a big theme for you, kyle, like that
self-acceptance which, again,this might be worth reiterating,
we've probably said it beforeAcceptance does not mean
approving of everything aboutyourself Like you're not
approving of you know the placesyou're still struggling with
sin, but you can accept yourselfor others without approving
Like.
This is something we oftenforget.
We can accept ourselves wherewe're at, and there's some you
(29:32):
know exploration, god, who haveyou made me to be?
I heard that when I interviewedyou, kyle, a few months ago
with our SSA series.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
Yeah, and you know, the enemy certainly wants you to
think that you're not goodenough or there's something
about you that needs to change.
And if you change this thing,you'll be a better Christian,
you'll be a better person.
And the truth is that there isa person that God has called you
(30:04):
to be and he has equipped youto do that to be that.
And when you start to feel likeyou're not, you're going to
turn to something that makes youfeel like you are.
You can turn to pornography,because pornography is not going
to turn you down.
Pornography is not going to tellyou you're not good enough,
(30:27):
you're not pretty enough, you'renot handsome enough.
You're not pretty enough,you're not handsome enough,
you're not fit enough like thosethings.
Or you may turn to anotherindividual who is always willing
and available to engage insexual activity with you and you
can say okay, this makes mefeel accepted.
(30:47):
And you go there because youwant to fill that void of
feeling like you're less than ornot good enough.
And so you go to a place whereyou get that false sense of
feeling like I am enough becausethis person accepts me or the
(31:11):
screen doesn't talk back to me.
I can go to the screen and I'mgoing to feel all the things
that I need to feel.
My heart will feel full andI'll feel good about myself.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
A lot of this conversation around emotional
rest.
Kyle is bringing me back to oneof my most fundamental books
for emotional growth and healing, called Boundaries, by Cloud
and Townsend Fantastic book.
It's reminding me too earlierwhen we were talking about what
is my like God, what are youcalling me to when it comes to
emotionally or, yeah,emotionally draining people or
(31:47):
situations?
One of the illustrations theygive in the book is so often we
think, especially if we've grownup with some codependency, some
enmeshment triangulation isanother word for this we often
think we need to come in andlift everyone's backpack.
Lift their daily kind ofbackpack that they're actually
(32:08):
called to carry backpack.
Lift their daily kind ofbackpack that they're actually
called to carry, when, inreality, if we do that for them
all the time, we're actually notdoing good for them or
ourselves.
Now there's a different type ofstones.
So imagine that backpack hassome stones in it.
Right, and it's heavy, but it'snot unbearable.
It's actually meant to be bornby that person, obviously
supported by Jesus.
(32:29):
But there are big boulders inour lives which are different,
where we literally cannot pushthese boulders ourselves.
We need someone to come next tous and that's such an
invitation to.
We need the support of lovingothers.
We need sometimes we need aspiritual coach or a counselor
therapist.
We almost always need,especially in recovery in our
(32:50):
earlier years.
We need a group of people tocome alongside us and help us
work out our emotions and bevulnerable with and share our
honest envy and comparisonstruggles and so on and so forth
.
So we want you to considerwe'll throw a link to boundaries
in the show notes but considerthose areas where God actually
(33:10):
has made you to have healthyemotional boundaries so that you
can thrive as he's called youto thrive, not as you feel like
you should act.
We're really excited for ourupcoming Awaken Retreat October
3rd, our Sacred by DesignRetreat, which is for women,
october 7th and 8th.
These are going to be places ofrest to some degree.
Now the Awaken retreat,probably for men, leans a little
(33:33):
more toward really gettingafter the.
You know the roots of a lot ofstuff, so it's going to be
probably tiring in that regard,but it's going to be so restful
in other ways.
We're going to get intocreative rest, which has a lot
to do with beauty next week.
We're going to get into socialrest, which has to do with
(33:55):
life-giving relationships,spiritual rest.
All of those forms of rest aregoing to be experienced on these
retreats, and especially forthe ladies at the Sacred by
Design retreat.
From what I heard from last year, kyle, you guys made it an
incredibly restful placephysically, emotionally,
mentally.
I mean.
You guys I don't even thinkreally did much in terms of
teachings because you wanted itto be experiential.
In that way, you felt like thewomen we're walking with need
(34:16):
that place to just be.
So a little bit of a differentkind of angle for each of these
retreats, but they are going tobe places that ultimately, are
restorative to your soul.
So space is limited.
Please consider checking theseout, especially if you've been
coming to our groups online orcoaching online.
This is an awesome opportunity.
Both of these are awesomeopportunities to meet in person
(34:40):
and have the joy of beingtogether.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
And, by the way, the women's retreat will be November
7th and 8th.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
My bad.
Thanks for correcting that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, info on thatin the show notes as well.
But, kyle, yeah, I'm going togive you the last word for this
week and ask you to pray for usas well.
Speaker 2 (34:58):
Yeah, what I hope is that there is at least one
takeaway for whomever islistening, something, something
that you can be intentionalabout.
Pick one and be intentionalabout going after that one, and
hopefully that will start you togo in the areas of the others.
(35:20):
And so let's take a moment andpray.
Lord, we are physical beings,we are emotional beings, we are
emotional beings, we are mentalbeings, god, and you have
created us in that way, and so,because we are whole human
beings, lord, you want us toattend to our whole selves, and
(35:44):
so, lord, I pray that those whoare listening will really take a
moment and step back and go.
Okay, of these three, where'sthe one that I need to focus on?
Do I need to focus on somephysical rest, mental rest,
emotional rest?
Lord, you guide them by yourHoly Spirit, and I pray that
(36:06):
they would really take the timeto sit with you in that and to
allow you to lead them, becausethat'll be the place that you
want them to address.
And so, lord, thank you so muchfor those who are listening,
who want to continue to grow intheir recovery journey.
(36:28):
God and God, I pray even forthose who may be the partner of
someone who is walking throughrecovery.
Lord, would you help them to beat a place where they can care
for themselves in this as well,and so that they can look at
these three areas also.
And so, father, we just liftall that we have shared today to
(36:50):
you and we ask this prayer inthe name of your Son, jesus
Christ, amen.
What if a lack of specific kinds of rest is
hampering your recovery efforts?
What if healing from betrayaltrauma has to do with being
tired in ways that sleep alonecannot heal?
What if your parenting looksmore like busy and crowded
American culture and less likeauthentic culture, authentic
(00:22):
Christian culture that creates aspace for your children to
thrive, including in theirsexuality?
Today I'm joined by Kyle Bowman, our director of ministry.
Kyle, welcome, so glad to haveyou on Becoming Whole today.
Always a joy to speak with you.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Always a joy to be with you too, James.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
And we're going to explore a book called Sacred
Rest by a medical doctor namedSondra Dalton-Smith.
This is a book.
She's not doing hard science inthis book, but she's observing
in her primary care practicetypes of rest that people need.
She says at one point in thebook sleeping in for another few
(01:03):
hours on a Saturday might notbe what you need.
She identifies seven differenttypes of rest.
So we're going to get intothose today and we're
specifically going to look athow those are actually key in
your recovery from sexualbrokenness.
And I just want to remind youthat a few months ago, we put
out a podcast about basicallyour limits.
Right, we talked aboutbreathing, hydration, food,
(01:28):
sleep and even exercise and howall of those at least the first
four are God-given limits.
We literally need air or wewill not survive, and so part of
what we're trying to do,friends, is we're trying to
bring us into a fullness of hey,we are both spiritual and
physical creatures.
We talk a lot about what itmeans to grow spiritually on
(01:50):
this podcast, being connectedwith the Lord, but we also need
to recognize that God made usphysical creatures, and so if we
were to say I have no limitsbecause in God I'm unlimited.
That just simply wouldn't betrue.
He designed us to need thingsmost fundamentally himself, but
also rest that comes from him.
Okay, so we're going to see.
(02:10):
This might end up being one ortwo episodes, but we're going to
get into these seven kinds ofrest and look at how these can
really aid you in your recoveryjourney.
So, without further ado, numberone is physical rest.
Dalton Smith defines this asresting the body.
This is the most obvious.
It's probably the first thingyou thought of when you heard
(02:31):
the word rest and she gets intowhen you need it.
You need it when your body istired, especially after physical
exertion.
She also talks about how to getit.
Again the podcast from a fewmonths ago.
You can check out our episodeson physical disciplines right
Breathing, hydration, sleep butI want to just highlight one
(02:51):
here that we didn't touch on inthat episode.
This is a really interesting one, kyle, I don't know if you've
ever done this, but DrDolan-Smith encourages a
five-minute body scan where youliterally lay down or sit down
in a comfortable enough position.
Body scan where you literallylay down or sit down in a
comfortable enough position andyou're just.
You know, maybe you're takingsome somewhat deep breaths, but
you're just noticing your body,noticing okay, I've got tension
(03:14):
in my jaw right now.
I'm holding my stomach reallytight, my leg feels pain, I'm
feeling pain in my knee, or thisis so antithetical, kyle, to
American culture.
It's like can I just distractmyself from every bit of
discomfort and pain 24-7?
.
But what I found?
I haven't done it in a littlewhile, but I found that, whoa,
(03:38):
there's so much more going onhere and I can kind of invite
Jesus into those places LikeLord.
I am really tense in my backright now and just noticing that
and kind of bringing that tohim.
Kyle, have you ever experiencedthat?
Or how have you found physicalrest to help in recovery?
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Yeah, absolutely, and the body scan is really helpful
because I think sometimespeople don't realize that things
that happen in the course ofthe day you can hold in your
body.
You can hold emotion in yourbody, you can hold trauma in
(04:15):
your body and you may realizethat there is a specific place
in your body that you're holdingit, a specific place in your
body that you're holding it.
So it's really important to beable to notice what's happening
physically, and I think theother thing that that does is it
also alerts you to.
(04:36):
Is there something physicallythat I need to address, because
our culture is really big on.
Let's push through the pain,right.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
You know I pop something.
You know I take some aspirin orsome Tylenol or whatever and.
I push through it, you know, andI get through it, and then when
I can get on the other side,then maybe I'll take some time
and rest, but that is sodamaging to the recovery process
(05:07):
.
Your body being in good orderis one of the most important
things that can help you besuccessful in continued recovery
.
Be successful in continuedrecovery Because when something
(05:28):
is hurting, when something isout of whack, you're going to
want to do something to make itfeel better.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Kyle, when I, you know, I was about a year into my
recovery and I was no longergoing to pornography and
masturbation, I loved to hike.
Something I noticed afterhaving some measure of sobriety
was that I started gettingtension headaches on hikes.
This is really frustrating.
(05:55):
It's still been a journey I'vebeen on.
It's gotten a lot better overthe years.
I think I mentioned in thatprevious episode I was
referencing that electrolyteshave really helped.
But one of the things I noticed,kyle, is that for me and for so
many others, part of what we'reactually medicating through our
sexual behavior, part of whatyour spouse, who might be
struggling with pornography, orthose who are listening who
(06:16):
struggle, you might be actuallymedicating physical tension and
our emotions.
We're going to get intoemotional rest in just a bit
that's one of the seven but ouremotions are felt physically and
so so much of the anxiety, kyle, that I was pushing down all
those years was now surfacingand perhaps even if I was still
(06:37):
in the midst of the addiction,if I were to do this kind of
body scan, I might have noticedlike whoa, there's so much.
My body's like a, like it feelslike an, you know, uh, waves,
tossing and turning, like it isnot at rest, and maybe there
could have even been aninvitation there for the lord to
help me learn how to attune tocalm myself.
(06:58):
But instead of doing that, Iwas calming myself in a large
part through the chemicalrelease of masturbation that did
so much to calm my body down,brought so much peace to my
muscles, but it was coping in asinful way that didn't actually
bring life.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
Yeah, and again, like I think, even now, as I think
about talking to some of myclients about checking in with
their bodies, it's a light bulb.
So it's sort of this momentwhere they go wait, like I
didn't realize that this pain inmy knee that's been bothering
(07:38):
me and bothering me andbothering me is causing me to
turn and seek some sort ofcomfort because they they might
think that it was because ofsomething else.
It was, oh, I just today wasjust, I just felt out of sorts,
but it could be physical painthat you've gotten so used to
(08:03):
dealing with that you don'trealize that there is this
moment that you're using to turntowards something else, to even
get that out of your brain.
And so I really I often talk toclients about just checking in
with their body.
What are you feeling, Not onlyemotionally, but what are you
(08:25):
feeling in your body when somethings are coming up for you,
when you're looking to turntoward hooking up or
masturbation or whatever,whatever you're turning to Check
in with your body just to seewhat's happening and how you're
feeling physically.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
I'm also reminded, kyle, that so many of the major
heresies throughout Christianityhave been heresies of
Gnosticism.
Spiritual or mental, orethereal is good, physical or
bodily is bad, it's whatever.
And so there's something herethat we're saying.
(09:05):
To pushing against that, we'resaying hey, god actually cares
for your body.
Uh, jesus slept.
We have accounts of that.
He actually slept, that he wasnot awake 24, seven, right.
And so his body, as as in hishumanity, fully God, fully man
in his humanity, needed sleep torepair.
(09:27):
What an amazing thought.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
We got to keep moving .
Mental rest is number two.
So now we are going toward thatthe mental side of things.
Dr Darlene Smith defines thisas relinquishing the thoughts
entering the mind and movingtowards cerebral stillness.
Oof cerebral stillness notsomething I'm the best at.
She says you need it aftermental exertion, especially when
(09:52):
you're noticing your thoughtsruminate.
Okay, so let me give a few waysthat we can get it and we'll
talk about it.
This is really interesting.
I learned this recently.
Thomas Aquinas, one of theheavyweight Christian thinkers
of the last 2000 years.
He actually taught that we needthis is wild.
(10:13):
Like this is a guy 700 yearsago, a monk.
This is not what we wouldexpect from a monk.
Okay, he says we need fun whenwe are mentally tired.
He says that if we just try togo to sleep, our dreams don't
shut.
You know our mind doesn't shutoff and we're still going to
maybe be in mental stress orlack of stillness.
We actually need fun and, kyle,I see you smiling because I
(10:36):
haven't.
I can't count the amount oftimes you've told me this in our
supervision times.
What are you doing for fun?
What are you doing to enjoysomething for its own sake?
So one way to think about thisis you might enjoy going to the
gym because it's good, it'sphysical exercise, but if you
wouldn't do it for its own sake,if you wouldn't do it without
(10:57):
the physical benefits, that'snot what we're talking about
here.
You need fun, obviously.
You need stuff like that too.
Exercise is so good, but youneed fun things that you would
do even if they didn't provide,like, a secondary benefit.
Um, like, you know, physicalhealth or whatever.
So, kyle, just stop right therefor a second.
Like, what do you?
(11:19):
How do you think about thiswith clients when they're stuck
in there?
Um, you especially work withwomen who are dealing with
unwanted sexual behaviors.
Like, how do you encourage themtoward fun and what have you
found with that?
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Some of it is just having a conversation around
what is it that is fun for youand and and, just like you
talked about?
You know, some people will talkabout exercise and again it's
like, ok, is it fun?
Or like are you doing itbecause I know I need to keep my
body in shape?
What are the things that, if Iwere to ask you about it right
(11:55):
now, you would instantly startto smile, and that's usually
what I try to use as anindicator for experiencing some
joy and fun, because so manypeople will name things that
they enjoy and but it might notnecessarily be joyful as they do
(12:19):
it.
They do it because, like, it'snot a terrible thing, I don't
have to power my way through it,but it's not this thing that I
just light up if somebody talksabout it.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
Right, we're going to link in our show notes.
In a way can we call this thehealthy holy alternatives list,
because we actually need goodpleasure in part of our journey
of overcoming unhealthy orsinful forms of pleasure.
So that is an awesome thing.
I love bringing that up withclients.
I love it when it comes up inAwaken 360.
And it's such.
(13:04):
It is for you and so many ofthe things we found fun as kids.
We stopped when we got into oursexual behavior.
Okay, another way to have somemental rest is getting away from
media.
Man, getting a tech fast.
I brought this up before havinga screen break.
We're going to get more intothat later with another form of
rest called sensory.
(13:25):
But getting away from media canactually help with mental rest.
The news media is constantly,I've noticed.
Actually, I go to the gym andin the men's locker room they
have CNN going on 24-7.
And I'll glance up at theheadline some terrible things
happening somewhere in thecountry or the world all the
time.
I mean they can always find it.
If something terrible ishappening, they're going to let
(13:48):
us know, even if it bearsnothing on our actual life, even
if we could do nothing about it.
So getting away from media.
And one more I'll throw outthere.
This is one of herrecommendations in the book Dr
Dalton Smith.
She says observe your thoughtswithout analyzing or judging.
I don't know about you, kyle,but I can often get into when
(14:08):
I'm in that place of you know,rumination.
It's really hard to justobserve thoughts, thoughts.
But I imagine you found this tobe helpful too.
Allowing your thoughts to kindof move through without trying
to, I don't know, do somethingintense with them can really be
helpful to bring us toward rest.
(14:28):
Maybe you're doing that side byside with Jesus, like Jesus,
help me to just notice thisstuff going on in my brain.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
Yeah, and I think too , what's helpful is maybe for
some people it's helpful to justget the things out.
Like, maybe, especially atnight, it can be hard to turn
your brain off before you go tobed, because maybe you're
(14:57):
thinking about stuff from theday, maybe you're thinking about
the things you have to dotomorrow or next week, or you
know doctor's appointments orwhatever they are.
Maybe it's there's some ideasand thoughts that you have that
you've been thinking about, justthings you want to put some
mental energy toward.
It might be helpful to keep apad and paper next to your bed
(15:22):
and before you go to bed hey,here's some things that I've
been thinking about, here's somethings that are on my mind to
sort of get them out of yourbrain and to leave it, which
keeps you from having to analyzethem to.
You know, go into introspectionwhere you're going.
Oh, I can't believe I've gotthis on my mind.
(15:44):
I need to stop thinking aboutthis, or you know beating
yourself up over something thattook place earlier in the day or
the week, and so why not get itout, in a way, and put it away?
Like you know, I would say, geta notebook where it's closed,
where you can write it, close it, put it away and then you can
(16:07):
make a decision as to whether ornot you need to go back to it.
You know, it might be somethingthat you just need to capture
because maybe three weeks downthe road is something that you
want to put some brain energytoward, but at least you're
(16:27):
having something tangible thatyou're doing with these thoughts
, that you're not just keepingthem within.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Listeners.
We're at a disadvantage here.
We're in a society that has24-7 information.
I love this old Switchfoot song.
It's coming to mind Literallythe lyric was if we're adding to
the noise, turn off this song.
Literally.
There were a handful of timesthroughout my years of listening
to them since I was reallyyoung actually where I would
(16:57):
turn it off because I realized Ineeded some mental rest.
And if you're a computer-basedjob person white-collar job
person, you're at a specialdisadvantage here.
You're not engaging your bodyas much, you're using your mind
all the time.
Some of our blue-collar friendswho are doing more physical
jobs.
They have more of a choice,like do I put in the podcast or
(17:19):
just focus on the task at hand,and that's actually a gift to
them.
Farmers have this as anopportunity.
But if you're like Kyle and Iand you're behind a computer all
day, you undoubtedly need moremental rest than you're getting.
And so one challenge could bedon't listen to music in the car
or in the shower, you know nexttime.
Like Find little outlets.
(17:41):
Maybe you can't do a 24-hourtech fast right now, maybe you
need to work up to that, butfind outlets 10 minutes here or
there throughout your day sothat you're not flooded.
I've noticed this, kyle If Idon't give my mind room to
process throughout a given dayand a given week, it's like
they're still there just waitingto come up.
These thoughts, for me at least, seem to need to be processed
(18:04):
to some degree, or at least needto kind of run through my mind
so they can come to a place ofrest, and so that's a really
important thing to consider.
Many of us strugglers are alsousing pornography to squelch
hard mental.
You know hard thoughts thatwe're dealing with and aren't
(18:24):
even aware of.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
And maybe there's a person that you could outwardly
process with.
You know, not everybody canprocess internally, so what
might it be like to have aperson that is available to help
you mentally process if youneed to talk it out loud, maybe
you have a pet and you processwith your pet.
(18:47):
You know you could tell the dogsit, and dog will stay there
and you could talk and you couldprocess that way.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
And I would even offer that maybe there are some
spiritual practices.
One of the things that,especially in the evening, that
helps me is like I've used theapp Lectio 365.
And they have a morning and anevening.
It's a great way to calm themind, to get your mind refocused
(19:20):
.
There's a scripture that I liketo use sometime at night.
This is from Psalm 8.
Oh, I'm sorry, psalm 4, verse 8.
It says In peace, I will bothlie down and sleep for you alone
, o Lord.
Make me dwell in safety, medwell in safety.
(19:45):
So that's another way ofhelping to calm my mind, to
bring my thoughts centeredtoward the Lord, to help take
away all of that ruminating andracing thoughts and to really
help me slow down and to have aplace of focus that's good and
healthy and holy and safe.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
Absolutely.
Here's our third area of rest.
This is the biggest one for meand probably many of you
struggle with this.
By the way, dr Dalton Smith hasa little rest quiz again, not
like hard science here, but aself-reflection quiz.
It will be in the show notesfor you to notice.
Okay, which of these areas am Imaybe lacking the most in?
(20:25):
This was the one for me lasttime I took this.
She defines emotional rest asnot feeling the need to perform
or meet external expectations,the cessation of emotional
striving.
Here's how you know you need it.
You might need it afteroffering sympathy, consolation
or encouragement.
Kyle and I do a lot of that inour work here at Regen, so that
(20:48):
might explain a little bit of itfor me.
But another area is afterexperiencing challenging
emotions from within or fromanother Feeling really angry
about something really sad, alot of shame or fear you might
need emotional rest.
A third way or third area thatmight cause the need for
emotional rest is afterperforming, after wearing a mask
(21:11):
for others, hiding where we'rereally at.
Man, that one definitely hits,probably for me and for a lot of
people listening.
That one definitely hits,probably for me and for a lot of
people listening.
So many of us are in that placeof performance so often with
people.
So here are some of the ways shedescribes how to get emotional
rest.
One is vulnerability beingvulnerable with God, with others
(21:34):
, safe people you know those whoare safe to be vulnerable with,
people we don't feel like weneed to hide, or at least don't
need to hide certain parts thatwe might be hiding throughout
the day.
Another one I'll throw outthere from Dr Dalton Smith is
reflecting on what situationsand people leave you emotionally
drained and, by the way, thisis not an invitation to just cut
(21:55):
off people.
You know, good vibes, only thatkind of mindset that is not a
Christian mindset.
We're called to actually lovethose who are poor in spirit,
including you know thisemotional exhaustion, but we
need to learn and see if thereare ways God is calling us to
engage or disengage, becausejust because someone is
struggling doesn't mean we'realways the one that is called to
(22:18):
be there for them.
It's actually really importantthat they have others, including
God, and we're not the Saviorin this story.
That's interesting.
There's some nuance in that,kyle.
But thinking about whatsituations leave you emotionally
drained.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
Yeah, and I think we don't always realize that we
have come away from somethingemotionally drained.
We might be able to identifysome emotions that we're feeling
.
Right, we walk away fromsomething oh, I'm angry, oh I'm
sad, I'm upset but you don'trealize how that thing has
(22:56):
depleted you, how that situationhas depleted you.
You can name what you'refeeling, but you don't
understand what it's done to youin a way of depleting you.
And so, again, we talked aboutearlier about body scan.
That's helpful too, becausepeople can say there's a tight
(23:20):
in my chest or there's a knot inmy stomach or butterflies, or I
realize I have rapid breathingafter I've engaged around this
particular topic.
Like I said, maybe you've heardsome really hard information
that the person has, you know,had something tragic and hard
(23:43):
happen, and you walk away andyou realize, oh my gosh, like
I've got butterflies in mystomach.
That's an emotional response towhat you've heard.
And so, thinking about ways torelease that, you know what are
the ways that you can get thatout of your body?
(24:03):
If it means some movement, to beable to move, to get safe
people who are the safe peoplethat you can process with, and
to be able to process with in away that doesn't ramp you up
more, with in a way that doesn'tramp you up more, because if
(24:25):
you have, maybe there's acontentious situation and you're
just feeling just like a ballof knots after it.
Afterward it's easy then to goand process with somebody and go
daggone, la, la, la, la la, andyou ramp yourself up really
high, even higher, and so whatmight it even mean in the moment
that you do afterwards?
(24:45):
Do you need to even just dosome breathing afterwards?
Is there something that you cando to help yourself refocus?
Is there a scripture that youcan recite that will help kind
of refocus you and recenter youso that when you process, you
(25:08):
can process in a healthy way,and that's.
I'm not trying to squashanybody's emotions, because for
some things, you know, anger isvalid, and so the question
becomes are you expressing theanger in a way that's healthy?
Speaker 1 (25:26):
Instead of taking our anger to pornography which is
actually a huge motivation topornography instead of taking
our shame to sexual sin, insteadof taking our sadness to acting
out with another person Likethese are things that actually
we often do, and how much morethan is there an invitation to
(25:46):
take it to God, to take thesethings to Jesus, to others, like
you were saying, kyle, and toeven perhaps validate this is
such a helpful term when itcomes to emotions.
Validation does not mean youagree with where someone's going
, like I'm angry.
Therefore, x, y and Z shouldhappen to so-and-so.
You don't, you're notvalidating like the desired
(26:10):
actions, but you can validateemotions Like it makes sense
that you're angry, you felt aninjustice happen.
Validating, you can actuallyvalidate yourself Like it makes
sense that I'm angry, it makessense that I'm sad, and this is
a sign of maturity, friends.
This is a sign of maturity whenwe can learn to more and more
validate our own emotions,receive the validation of the
(26:32):
Lord and do that for otherpeople as well.
One other area that can help uswith emotional rest is noticing
where you're comparing yourselfto others.
Dr Dalton Smith says it this waywhat are you trying to
compensate for If there'ssomething that you're noticing,
okay, again, this is anothervery subtle thing that can drive
(26:54):
us toward our unwanted sexualbehaviors.
We're actually wantingsomething in another person that
we feel lacking in ourself,very confident and gregarious,
and I'm feeling very, you know,small that day, or whatever.
It makes sense that that'screating emotional pain and
(27:16):
discomfort, right Like I feellacking in this area and again,
that's something that we canoften try to take to sexual sin.
But, actually reflecting withthe Lord, like Lord, I'm
honestly envious of thatperson's personality right now.
I'm envious of that person'spersonality right now.
I'm envious of their good looks.
I confess that to you becauseyou know envy is sin and he
(27:36):
wants to give us his grace inthat place.
Help me, lord.
Help me to receive your love,even in my weakness, even in the
places that I'm not as strongas I'd like to be, not as strong
as I'd like to be.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Yeah, and one of the ways that I try to walk with
clients in that is you know, youcan go on the internet and you
can look for who I am in Christand you can find a ton of lists
out there that will affirm whoyou are.
And you know the Lord didn'tcreate us to be, you know,
(28:16):
clones of one another.
We are all fearfully andwonderfully made.
We were designed very uniquely.
Each person was designeduniquely with their own gifts
and talents and wants and likesand dislikes.
And we live in a world thatsays you have to have it all and
(28:41):
you need to be this person whocan do it all.
That's not what the body ofChrist is.
I mean, now we think about whatPaul says right in Romans when
he talks about hey, the eyecan't be this other part and the
hand can't say I want to bethis.
We are all uniquely designed tofit into the kingdom, to do our
(29:04):
specific thing.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
That's a big theme for you, kyle, like that
self-acceptance which, again,this might be worth reiterating,
we've probably said it beforeAcceptance does not mean
approving of everything aboutyourself Like you're not
approving of you know the placesyou're still struggling with
sin, but you can accept yourselfor others without approving
Like.
This is something we oftenforget.
We can accept ourselves wherewe're at, and there's some you
(29:32):
know exploration, god, who haveyou made me to be?
I heard that when I interviewedyou, kyle, a few months ago
with our SSA series.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
Yeah, and you know, the enemy certainly wants you to
think that you're not goodenough or there's something
about you that needs to change.
And if you change this thing,you'll be a better Christian,
you'll be a better person.
And the truth is that there isa person that God has called you
(30:04):
to be and he has equipped youto do that to be that.
And when you start to feel likeyou're not, you're going to
turn to something that makes youfeel like you are.
You can turn to pornography,because pornography is not going
to turn you down.
Pornography is not going to tellyou you're not good enough,
(30:27):
you're not pretty enough, you'renot handsome enough.
You're not pretty enough,you're not handsome enough,
you're not fit enough like thosethings.
Or you may turn to anotherindividual who is always willing
and available to engage insexual activity with you and you
can say okay, this makes mefeel accepted.
(30:47):
And you go there because youwant to fill that void of
feeling like you're less than ornot good enough.
And so you go to a place whereyou get that false sense of
feeling like I am enough becausethis person accepts me or the
(31:11):
screen doesn't talk back to me.
I can go to the screen and I'mgoing to feel all the things
that I need to feel.
My heart will feel full andI'll feel good about myself.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
A lot of this conversation around emotional
rest.
Kyle is bringing me back to oneof my most fundamental books
for emotional growth and healing, called Boundaries, by Cloud
and Townsend Fantastic book.
It's reminding me too earlierwhen we were talking about what
is my like God, what are youcalling me to when it comes to
emotionally or, yeah,emotionally draining people or
(31:47):
situations?
One of the illustrations theygive in the book is so often we
think, especially if we've grownup with some codependency, some
enmeshment triangulation isanother word for this we often
think we need to come in andlift everyone's backpack.
Lift their daily kind ofbackpack that they're actually
(32:08):
called to carry backpack.
Lift their daily kind ofbackpack that they're actually
called to carry, when, inreality, if we do that for them
all the time, we're actually notdoing good for them or
ourselves.
Now there's a different type ofstones.
So imagine that backpack hassome stones in it.
Right, and it's heavy, but it'snot unbearable.
It's actually meant to be bornby that person, obviously
supported by Jesus.
(32:29):
But there are big boulders inour lives which are different,
where we literally cannot pushthese boulders ourselves.
We need someone to come next tous and that's such an
invitation to.
We need the support of lovingothers.
We need sometimes we need aspiritual coach or a counselor
therapist.
We almost always need,especially in recovery in our
(32:50):
earlier years.
We need a group of people tocome alongside us and help us
work out our emotions and bevulnerable with and share our
honest envy and comparisonstruggles and so on and so forth
.
So we want you to considerwe'll throw a link to boundaries
in the show notes but considerthose areas where God actually
(33:10):
has made you to have healthyemotional boundaries so that you
can thrive as he's called youto thrive, not as you feel like
you should act.
We're really excited for ourupcoming Awaken Retreat October
3rd, our Sacred by DesignRetreat, which is for women,
october 7th and 8th.
These are going to be places ofrest to some degree.
Now the Awaken retreat,probably for men, leans a little
(33:33):
more toward really gettingafter the.
You know the roots of a lot ofstuff, so it's going to be
probably tiring in that regard,but it's going to be so restful
in other ways.
We're going to get intocreative rest, which has a lot
to do with beauty next week.
We're going to get into socialrest, which has to do with
(33:55):
life-giving relationships,spiritual rest.
All of those forms of rest aregoing to be experienced on these
retreats, and especially forthe ladies at the Sacred by
Design retreat.
From what I heard from last year, kyle, you guys made it an
incredibly restful placephysically, emotionally,
mentally.
I mean.
You guys I don't even thinkreally did much in terms of
teachings because you wanted itto be experiential.
In that way, you felt like thewomen we're walking with need
(34:16):
that place to just be.
So a little bit of a differentkind of angle for each of these
retreats, but they are going tobe places that ultimately, are
restorative to your soul.
So space is limited.
Please consider checking theseout, especially if you've been
coming to our groups online orcoaching online.
This is an awesome opportunity.
Both of these are awesomeopportunities to meet in person
(34:40):
and have the joy of beingtogether.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
And, by the way, the women's retreat will be November
7th and 8th.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
My bad.
Thanks for correcting that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, info on thatin the show notes as well.
But, kyle, yeah, I'm going togive you the last word for this
week and ask you to pray for usas well.
Speaker 2 (34:58):
Yeah, what I hope is that there is at least one
takeaway for whomever islistening, something, something
that you can be intentionalabout.
Pick one and be intentionalabout going after that one, and
hopefully that will start you togo in the areas of the others.
(35:20):
And so let's take a moment andpray.
Lord, we are physical beings,we are emotional beings, we are
emotional beings, we are mentalbeings, god, and you have
created us in that way, and so,because we are whole human
beings, lord, you want us toattend to our whole selves, and
(35:44):
so, lord, I pray that those whoare listening will really take a
moment and step back and go.
Okay, of these three, where'sthe one that I need to focus on?
Do I need to focus on somephysical rest, mental rest,
emotional rest?
Lord, you guide them by yourHoly Spirit, and I pray that
(36:06):
they would really take the timeto sit with you in that and to
allow you to lead them, becausethat'll be the place that you
want them to address.
And so, lord, thank you so muchfor those who are listening,
who want to continue to grow intheir recovery journey.
(36:28):
God and God, I pray even forthose who may be the partner of
someone who is walking throughrecovery.
Lord, would you help them to beat a place where they can care
for themselves in this as well,and so that they can look at
these three areas also.
And so, father, we just liftall that we have shared today to
(36:50):
you and we ask this prayer inthe name of your Son, jesus
Christ, amen.
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