August 12, 2025 • 36 mins
Caught between exploding and imploding? You're not alone. This episode uncovers the hidden connection between acting out (through behaviors like porn, alcohol, or overworking) and acting in (through withdrawal, passive-aggression, and emotional shutdown). What looks like self-control on the surface might actually be self-contempt in disguise.
Ready for transformation? Join us for the men's Awaken retreat (October 3-5) or the women's Sacred by Design retreat (November 7-8). Space is limited, so reserve your spot today through the link in our show notes.
Resources:
Brene Brown's Ted Talk on Shame
For more information or to join click one of the links below.
Manna - Men seeking freedom from unwanted sexual behavior, temptation, and shame.
Oasis - Women seeking freedom from unwanted sexual behavior, temptation, and shame.
Compass - Wives seeking healing from betrayal and broken trust.
Awaken Men's Retreat 2025 - Register Today!
Sacred By Design Women's Retreat 2025 - Register Today!
Free Resources to help you on your journey to Becoming Whole
👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Have you ever found yourself promising I'll never do
that again, only to do it againa week later?
Or maybe you've gone the otherdirection.
You shut down, pull away andfeel cold, bitter or resentful,
but you tell yourself at leastI'm in control.
(00:20):
Here's the truth.
All here's the truth.
Whether you explode or implode,escape or withdraw, you're
likely caught in a pattern.
You can't white knuckle yourway out of Today.
I want to name that pattern andoffer you a better path.
Friends, welcome in to theBecoming Whole podcast.
(00:43):
My name is Aaron Taggart and Iam one of Armin's spiritual
coaches here at Regeneration.
In today's episode, I'm going totalk about two sides of the
same coin how acting out andacting in both sabotage our joy,
because the real issue isn'tjust about behavior, it's about
(01:04):
intimacy and beneath it all,it's shame.
So let's talk about it, let'sget under the surface and let's
remember together that joy isn'tfound in perfection, it's found
in connection.
So let's define the coin wekeep flipping.
The two sides of this coin areacting out and acting in.
(01:29):
Acting out refers to thoseexternal behaviors we turn to
for relief, things like porn,sex, fantasy, alcohol,
overworking, maybe even bingeeating, alcohol, overworking,
maybe even binge eating.
These are outward expressionsof inner turmoil.
But acting in?
(01:49):
That's quieter and it's talkedabout way less.
It's more socially acceptableand it looks like emotional
withdrawal, passive-aggressiveanger, blaming your spouse or
friends, withholding affectionand shutting down when you're
(02:15):
hurt.
Acting in is not self-control,it's self-contempt.
It might look like control,calm, demeanor, silence,
restraint, even religious piety.
But beneath the surface, actingin is often powered by internal
shame, not inner strength.
You're not being quiet becauseyou're at peace.
You're being quiet because youbelieve your voice doesn't
(02:38):
matter.
You're not withholding emotionbecause you're mature.
You're withholding becauseyou've judged your needs or
feelings as undeserving.
Self-contempt tells you youdon't get to ask for anything.
You're the problem.
So fix it silently.
You don't deserve comfort.
Sit with your shame.
(02:59):
It's like becoming your ownjailer, punishing yourself for
having real human needs.
And that's not strength, that'ssuffering in silence.
True self-control is a fruit ofthe Spirit, born from love, not
shame.
It comes from knowing yourworth, your identity, your
(03:21):
secure belonging in Christ.
But self-contempt is thecounterfeit.
It imitates self-control, butit lacks joy, compassion and
relational openness.
It's not holiness, it'shiddenness.
It's not strength, it'ssurvival.
It's not repentance, it's innerrejection.
(03:43):
And God has something so muchbetter for you.
Both acting out and acting inare symptoms of the same root
shame.
One looks like rebellion, theother looks like control, but
both are about self-protectionand both cut us off from the joy
and intimacy we were createdfor.
(04:05):
So if both acting out andacting in are just two sides of
the same coin, what's the metalthe coin is made of?
That's shame.
Shame is not just an emotion.
It's a story, a script, a heavycloak we learn to wear early in
(04:26):
life and once it settles intoour bones, it tells us dangerous
things.
You're not enough, you're toomuch, you'll never change,
You're the problem.
And over time we stopquestioning those voices, we
start building our lives aroundthem.
We try to achieve our way out,perform our way out, behave our
(04:51):
way out or rebel, escape andnumb.
Dr Brene Brown defines shame asthe intensely painful feeling of
experience, believing that weare flawed and therefore
unworthy of love and belonging.
And here's the catch when webelieve we are unworthy of love,
we'll do anything to avoid thepain of intimacy, because
(05:16):
intimacy says let me see you,and shame says if they saw me,
they'd leave.
So we numb, we turn to porn,hookups and other unwanted
sexual behaviors.
We scroll endlessly.
We stay busy, maybe we drink,we overeat, we overwork, we
(05:37):
isolate, we escape intofantasies, sexual, romantic or
just what-if?
Daydreams, and in doing so weslowly disconnect from reality.
Brene Brown calls this selectivenumbing, and here's the hard
truth.
We cannot selectively numbemotions.
(05:59):
When we numb the dark, we alsonumb the light.
So you can't deaden your griefwithout also dulling your joy.
You can't bury your angerwithout also burying your wonder
.
You can't suppress fear withoutalso silencing hope, fear
(06:26):
without also silencing hope.
Numbing is an attempt to survivepain, but it ends up silencing
the very emotions that make ushuman and make us capable of
love and the cost.
We become people who look aliveon the outside but are
emotionally flatlined on theinside.
We wonder why we can't feel joy, why intimacy feels awkward,
(06:47):
why love feels foreign.
It's because the walls we builtto keep pain out also keep love
out.
But the gospel enters here witha startling reversal.
You are not flawed and unworthyof love.
You are broken and beloved.
You are seen fully and invited.
(07:11):
Still.
This is where healing beginsNot with striving but with
receiving, not with numbing butwith naming.
Jesus doesn't numb your shame,he names it, he faces it and he
redeems it.
So if shame leads us to numb,and numbing cuts us off from joy
(07:34):
, what happens when we stopbeing able to feel at all?
We don't disappear, we adapt,we survive.
Donald Nathanson, a leadingvoice in shame research,
developed a framework known asthe Compass of Shame, a model
outlining four common defensivestrategies we adopt in response
(07:56):
to shame.
Let's briefly unpack eachdirection and how it might show
up in everyday life.
First is avoidance.
This is distraction disguisedas normal life.
We bury ourselves in work,productivity, binge-watching,
religious activity, evenministry, anything, to avoid the
(08:19):
voice of shame.
We say things like I'm justtired, but deep down we know
we're hiding.
Think of King David here,avoiding confrontation after his
sin with Bathsheba.
He distracts, deceives anddelays, but none of it brought
peace.
Second is attacking others.
(08:39):
This is the angry face of shame.
Second is attacking others.
This is the angry face of shame.
We push the shame off ofourselves by putting it on to
others.
Criticism, sarcasm, control,rage.
It keeps people far enough awaythat they won't see what we're
afraid of.
We become the harsh father, thedemanding boss, the cold spouse
(09:05):
.
It's the spirit of Saul whocouldn't handle David's rising
success and turned to jealousy,attack and pursuit.
He couldn't deal with his owninner shame, so he made David
the enemy.
Third is attacking self.
This is inner contempt, thevoice that says I'm such a
(09:28):
failure, I'm disgusting, I'llnever get this right.
This voice feels religioussometimes, but it's actually
spiritual self-abuse.
It's what Judas did afterbetraying Jesus.
Instead of returning to gracelike Peter, he turned inward and
self-destructed Shame twistedhis failure into fatalism.
(09:53):
And fourth is withdrawal.
This is silent shame.
We go emotionally cold, weghost conversations, we isolate,
not because we don't care butbecause we've already concluded
we're disqualified from beingloved.
It's the prodigal son in thepigsty Not just feeding swine
(10:17):
but believing that swine is allhe deserves, deserves.
These four responses avoidingattacking others, attacking self
and withdraw are not bad habits.
They are trauma-bornestrategies to survive shame.
But here's the problem the verydefenses we use to protect
(10:39):
ourselves from shame becomeprisons that keep us from love.
They build walls we can't climband we slowly become numb,
angry, bitter or invisible.
But, friend, hear this Jesusdoesn't come to punish your
shame reactions.
He comes to meet you in them.
(10:59):
He doesn't need you to bebetter behaved.
He longs for you to be fullyseen and deeply loved and he
knows you won't heal bypretending you don't feel shame.
You'll only heal by bringing itinto the light.
So if shame drives us to avoidattack or withdraw, what exactly
(11:22):
is it whispering beneath thesurface?
What are the core lies thatfuel those reactions?
Because if we don't name thosemessages, we'll keep living by
them even if we don't realize it.
This brings us to what's calledthe three eyes of shame, the
(11:42):
hidden identity statements thatsit beneath most of our
self-sabotage and our resistanceto intimacy.
These are insignificance thatsays I don't matter.
This lie makes you feelinvisible, even in a crowded
room.
It shows up when your presencefeels optional, when your voice
(12:04):
feels unwelcome, when youbelieve the best thing you can
do is stay out of the way.
This is the orphan heart, theboy inside who learned long ago
I'm not worth noticing, butscripture says you are precious
and honored in my sight.
I love you, isaiah 43.4.
(12:25):
Another I is incompetence thatsays I'll never get it right.
This lie keeps you striving,performing and overanalyzing.
It whispers no matter how hardyou try, you're not enough.
You see every mistake as proof.
You dread responsibilitybecause it exposes your
(12:47):
inadequacy.
It's Moses saying I'm not agood speaker.
It's Peter sinking after amoment of faith.
But listen to the truth.
Not that we are competent inourselves, but our competence
comes from God.
2 Corinthians 3.5.
(13:08):
And the third I is impotence.
This says I'm powerless.
This lie says things will neverchange.
I can't make a difference, I'mstuck.
You may feel paralyzed inconflict, passive in your
marriage, stuck in addiction.
Powerlessness becomes yourposture and despair becomes
(13:30):
familiar.
But God says somethingradically different.
You have not been given aspirit of fear, but of power,
love and a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1.7.
Each of these liesinsignificance, incompetence and
impotence form a false identity.
They don't just distort how yousee yourself, they disfigure
(13:53):
how you receive love, how yourelate to God and how you show
up in the world.
They aren't healed by behaviormodification.
They're only healed by behaviormodification.
They're only healed by identitytransformation, by learning to
hear, receive and trust what Godsays about you more than what
shame has said.
So ask yourself which of thesethree I's has been shaping your
(14:19):
story and what would it looklike to invite Jesus into that
place, not with pressure, butwith presence, because where
shame says who do you think youare, god says you are mine.
Once shame has shaped how wesee ourselves, it naturally
(14:41):
begins to shape how we treatothers, especially the people
closest to us, because when youbelieve you're insignificant,
incompetent or powerless, youstart trying to control what you
can your environment, yourrelationships, your emotions and
in that effort, we often don'tact out.
(15:02):
We act in.
Acting in is one of the mostoverlooked barriers to joy and
intimacy, because it oftenmasquerades as self-control,
strength or just being tired,but left unaddressed, it will
shut down connection, sabotagevulnerability and destroy
intimacy from the inside out.
(15:23):
According to Dr Omar Manwala,common acting in behaviors
include things like stonewallingthis is where you go silent as
a way to punish or toself-protect.
Perhaps it's controlling withanger, using emotion to
manipulate rather than toconnect.
(15:45):
Passivity this is abdicatingleadership or ownership in
relationships.
Withholding love this is usingcoldness as power.
Blame and criticism this isdefecting pain by projecting it
onto others.
(16:05):
Or avoidance this is escapingreality or emotional discomfort.
We see acting in throughoutscripture too.
Take Adam in Genesis 3.
After the fall, he hides,blames and covers himself.
(16:26):
That's acting in Blame,avoidance and shame-fueled
control.
Or focusing on the speck in ourbrother's eye and not paying
attention to the plank in ourown eye, as in Matthew 7, verse
3.
This is blaming, criticizingand avoiding too.
(16:49):
The goal of acting in is to staysafe, but the result is
relational destruction andemotional shutdown.
When we don't know how to letlove in, even kindness can feel
like a threat.
Even kindness can feel like athreat.
Okay, so we've named thebehaviors stonewalling, anger,
passivity, avoidance.
(17:10):
We've seen how they often maskfear and shame rather than
strength and maturity.
But now comes the deeperquestion when did I learn to
live this way?
Because these patterns don'tcome from nowhere.
They're not just bad habits,they're survival strategies
(17:31):
forged in the fire of ourearliest experiences.
We don't just act in becausewe're difficult or broken.
We act in because, Thank you.
We act in because somewherealong the way we learned it was
(17:58):
safer than being seen.
To truly heal, we have to gobeyond behavior.
We have to go to the story thattaught us how to survive.
And this is where the work ofJay Stringer becomes so helpful,
because he invites us not torun from our stories but to walk
(18:19):
back into them with honor andhonesty and with Jesus.
Jay Stringer teaches that ourunwanted sexual and emotional
behaviors are not random.
Rather, they are symptoms ofour unaddressed stories.
Rather, they are symptoms ofour unaddressed stories.
(18:41):
He writes, and healing beginswhen we look with compassion and
truth at our own past, not toexcuse sin but to understand it,
so we can finally interrupt thecycle.
And Jay urges us to hold ourstories with two holy postures
(19:04):
honor and honesty.
We honor the wounded child inus who tried to survive the
chaos or abandonment, and westop shaming him.
Or honesty, we stop pretendingwe're fine and start telling the
truth about what happened andwhat we did with the pain.
(19:29):
I remember one of my clients onetime was sharing a story.
One of my clients one time wassharing a story.
His mother, growing up, had towork multiple jobs and she did
everything that she could forhim and that she had to do to
(19:51):
provide a roof over the head andto put food on the table.
But this often meant that hewas at home alone, sort of lock
and key, and he didn't get a lotof his mom's attention or her
time.
And it was through doing somestory work that he was able to
(20:14):
realize that he could actuallyname that without blaming his
mom.
See, it's not about blame, it'sabout being able to name these
different parts of our storiesagain with that honor and
honesty honor and honesty and torealize that naming those
(20:48):
things is not the same asplacing blame.
See, shame grows in secrecy,but it dies in the presence of
safe, loving connection.
And when we name what happenedand how we coped, we create
space for redemption.
This is why connection mattersmore than just stopping behavior
.
As Johan Hari says, theopposite of addiction isn't
(21:13):
sobriety, it's connection.
By stepping into our storieswith honor and honesty, we open
the door to connection.
So we've begun to name ourstory.
We've started to see how shameformed our defenses and how our
behaviors, especially acting in,are rooted in the pain we've
carried silently for years.
But, friends, here's the goodnews Jesus doesn't just meet us
(21:36):
in the middle of our shame, heleads us out of it.
And he doesn't do it withpressure, he does it with joy.
Because the end goal of thishealing journey, through all the
naming, the truth-telling, theconnection, it's not just
sobriety, control or behaviorchange.
(21:58):
The goal is joy, deep,soul-level, spirit-born joy.
In John 15.11, jesus says tohis disciples I have told you
these things so that my joy maybe in you and that your joy may
(22:19):
be complete.
Let that sink in.
Jesus isn't offering a shallowcheerfulness of religious
positivity, he's offering hisjoy, the very joy that sustained
him through betrayal, sufferingand even the cross.
This isn't a joy that comesfrom our performance.
(22:41):
It's a joy that comes fromabiding in his love and being
fully known, fully forgiven andfully received.
And here's the beauty.
And here's the beauty.
The very places where shameonce told you you don't belong
are the places Jesus wants tofill you with joy that cannot be
(23:02):
taken from you.
So many of us have settled foremotional numbness.
We've bought the lie that it'ssafer not to feel at all.
But Jesus didn't die so thatyou could manage your pain.
He died so you could be fullyalive.
And that's what he wants foryou Not just relief, not just
(23:23):
behavior management, but thefullness of joy.
So if Jesus offers us his joynot as a reward but as a
birthright His joy not as areward but as a birthright how
do we begin to live like that'strue?
(23:45):
How do we take all of this truthabout shame, our story, our old
patterns, and begin practicingsomething new?
Because healing doesn't happenin a moment.
It's just a revelation.
Sorry, it's not just arevelation.
Rather, it's renovation.
We've spent years, maybedecades, building walls to
protect ourselves, but now theSpirit is inviting us to trade
(24:06):
those walls for bridges, to movefrom hiding to honesty, from
control to connection.
And this is what Scripture saysabout that kind of
transformation.
Therefore, if anyone is inChrist, he is a new creation.
The old has gone, the new hascome.
2 Corinthians 5.17.
(24:27):
This is more than a secondchance.
It's a new way of being the oldshame scripts.
No longer have to write yournext chapter.
So what does this look like inpractice?
Let's revisit those acting andbehaviors and imagine a
different way forward.
These aren't just tips forbetter communication.
(24:50):
These are holy disruptions,habits of grace, doorways back
into relationship.
So, instead of stonewalling,maybe you take a small risk.
Say one honest sentence, speakthe truth in love.
You don't have to have theperfect words, you just have to
(25:14):
stay present.
And when the conversation feelstoo intense, maybe you can say
something like I want to stayconnected, but I need some time
to regulate and pray.
Can we circle back in about 20minutes?
Silence without clarity feelslike abandonment to a partner.
(25:34):
Giving a time frame keepssafety intact while honoring
your limits.
Clarity is kindness Instead ofcontrolling with anger.
Maybe take a breath and askwhat am I feeling underneath?
Or what's going on in me rightnow.
I know when I've done this it'smade a huge difference,
(25:59):
especially in my parenting.
I can get so frustrated at timeswith just some of the
day-to-day chaos and siblingsort of rivalry and not doing
what they've been asked, thosetypes of things.
Um, you know, not doing youknow what, what they've been
asked, those types of things.
And when I allow myself to havethis sort of buffer moment to
(26:23):
ask that question, what's goingon in me right now?
I I've found that there's alike, almost like this younger
part of myself, uh, that is sortof activated part of myself
that is sort of activated.
Maybe, you know, my voicewasn't heard all the time and no
(26:46):
one's listening to me, and sothat can kind of stir up some of
these other things.
So you'll probably also findtoo that that happens for you as
well, and maybe there's a partof you that's afraid of being
rejected or abandoned in thatmoment and that's what you're
experiencing, and when you'reable to name that, it changes
that moment.
So instead of controlling withanger, it allows you to move
(27:08):
forward more softly.
So your anger is often a maskfor pain.
Instead of passivity, make onebrave move toward connection.
Send the text, initiate the hug.
Don't wait for your partner tobring up the tension, say I've
(27:30):
been thinking about ourconversation yesterday.
I realize I shut down and Iwant to try again.
Courage doesn't mean you're notafraid.
It means you're not afraid.
It means you show up anyway.
This is the work of relationalrepair.
Instead of withholding love,offer warmth even when you don't
(27:51):
feel it fully.
Offer a blessing, speak life.
Take your partner's hand evenwhen it feels undeserved or
uncomfortable.
This is how we practice beingpeople of grace.
Your partner needs to seeconsistent, safe presence.
Affection without agenda willhelp to rebuild trust.
(28:17):
Instead of blame, use impactlanguage, not accusation.
So instead of saying you alwaystwist my words, try saying
something like when you saidthat I felt dismissed and I want
to be known.
In this, impact language honorsboth your emotions and your
(28:37):
partner's dignity.
It keeps the door open insteadof slamming it shut.
Blame distances us, butvulnerability draws others near.
And instead of hiding, lean intocommunity and let someone in.
This might look like joining abetrayal, trauma or recovery
group, inviting a counselor ormentor couple into your story,
(29:01):
sharing your journey with atrusted spiritual leader, or
maybe joining a group at church.
Hiding feels like control, butit actually guarantees isolation
.
And isolation is where shamethrives.
Brene Brown calls it the Petridish.
(29:22):
So if you imagine, if you knowin science, when you have this
Petri dish and you put things inthere and you can kind of use a
microscope and you can see it,when we put shame in sort of
this Petri dish, this isolationwe can see it kind of multiplies
and it thrives in that sort ofenvironment.
(29:44):
So, friends, whether you'restuck in acting out or stuck in
acting in, here's the good newsyou don't have to stay stuck.
Hebrews 12.2 says that Jesus,for the joy set before him,
endured the cross, scorning itsshame.
You were that joy.
(30:05):
I'm going to say that again.
You were that joy.
He took on your shame so youcould live with nothing to hide,
nothing to prove and nothing tofear.
So today, put down the coin.
You don't need to flip betweenextremes.
(30:27):
You can choose a third way, theway of intimacy, vulnerability
and joy.
Before we sign off, I want topersonally invite you to two
transformational opportunitiescoming up this fall.
For the men, our Awaken retreatis happening October 3rd
through the 5th.
This will be one unforgettableweekend where you'll experience
(30:49):
being known and named by theFather through brotherhood,
experiencing the Father's heartand embodied healing.
Whether you're just startingout on your recovery journey or
you've been walking the path foryears, this retreat is for you
and for the women.
The Sacred by Design retreat ishappening November 7th and 8th.
(31:10):
It's a unique space for womento slow down, connect deeply
with God and rediscover thebeauty of who they are, beyond
shame, beyond striving.
When is the last time youexperienced true awe?
Make sure to sign up for a timeof wonder and healing If you or
(31:31):
someone you know is ready forsomething different, something
deeper.
Both retreats are now open, butspace is limited.
For all the details and toreserve your spot, just click
the link in the show notes.
All right, before we go, let meleave you with this.
There is a place within youthat longs to be seen and fears
(31:53):
it more than anything.
There's a part of you thatbelieves joy is for other people
, that healing is possible, butprobably not for you.
But here's the truth you arenot too far gone, you are not
too broken, you are not too late.
Jesus didn't run from shame.
(32:16):
He ran straight into it Not toscold you but to rescue you.
Not to punish but to heal andnot to expose you but to embrace
you.
There is no version of healingthat bypasses intimacy, but
there is grace for every step.
(32:36):
You are invited right now, justas you are.
Let's pray, jesus.
We are so tired of hiding.
We've run to things that numbedus or built walls that isolated
us.
We confess the ways we've actedout in desperation or acted in
(33:01):
through contempt and fear.
But today we hear you callingus, not with shame but with love
, not with judgment but with joy.
Jesus, would you come into theplaces we've shut down and shut
others out?
Break the cycles we can't seemto break ourselves.
(33:22):
Teach us how to receive lovewithout fear and how to give
love without control.
Help us to honor our story, totell the truth and to trust that
your grace is enough.
Jesus, you said your joy wouldbe in us and that your joy would
be full.
Make that promise real in ourhearts.
(33:47):
Today we put down our defenses,we open our hands and we say
yes to intimacy with you andwith those you've given us In
your beautiful, tender name.
Jesus, we pray Amen.
Thanks so much for joining ustoday on the Becoming Whole
(34:09):
podcast.
It's always an honor to walkalongside you as we pursue
deeper healing, greaterintegrity and a life rooted in
the love of Christ.
Until next time, keep pressinginto the truth, keep walking in
grace and a life rooted in alove of Christ.
Until next time.
Keep pressing into the truth,keep walking in grace and keep
becoming whole.
Have you ever found yourself promising I'll never do
that again, only to do it againa week later?
Or maybe you've gone the otherdirection.
You shut down, pull away andfeel cold, bitter or resentful,
but you tell yourself at leastI'm in control.
(00:20):
Here's the truth.
All here's the truth.
Whether you explode or implode,escape or withdraw, you're
likely caught in a pattern.
You can't white knuckle yourway out of Today.
I want to name that pattern andoffer you a better path.
Friends, welcome in to theBecoming Whole podcast.
(00:43):
My name is Aaron Taggart and Iam one of Armin's spiritual
coaches here at Regeneration.
In today's episode, I'm going totalk about two sides of the
same coin how acting out andacting in both sabotage our joy,
because the real issue isn'tjust about behavior, it's about
(01:04):
intimacy and beneath it all,it's shame.
So let's talk about it, let'sget under the surface and let's
remember together that joy isn'tfound in perfection, it's found
in connection.
So let's define the coin wekeep flipping.
The two sides of this coin areacting out and acting in.
(01:29):
Acting out refers to thoseexternal behaviors we turn to
for relief, things like porn,sex, fantasy, alcohol,
overworking, maybe even bingeeating, alcohol, overworking,
maybe even binge eating.
These are outward expressionsof inner turmoil.
But acting in?
(01:49):
That's quieter and it's talkedabout way less.
It's more socially acceptableand it looks like emotional
withdrawal, passive-aggressiveanger, blaming your spouse or
friends, withholding affectionand shutting down when you're
(02:15):
hurt.
Acting in is not self-control,it's self-contempt.
It might look like control,calm, demeanor, silence,
restraint, even religious piety.
But beneath the surface, actingin is often powered by internal
shame, not inner strength.
You're not being quiet becauseyou're at peace.
You're being quiet because youbelieve your voice doesn't
(02:38):
matter.
You're not withholding emotionbecause you're mature.
You're withholding becauseyou've judged your needs or
feelings as undeserving.
Self-contempt tells you youdon't get to ask for anything.
You're the problem.
So fix it silently.
You don't deserve comfort.
Sit with your shame.
(02:59):
It's like becoming your ownjailer, punishing yourself for
having real human needs.
And that's not strength, that'ssuffering in silence.
True self-control is a fruit ofthe Spirit, born from love, not
shame.
It comes from knowing yourworth, your identity, your
(03:21):
secure belonging in Christ.
But self-contempt is thecounterfeit.
It imitates self-control, butit lacks joy, compassion and
relational openness.
It's not holiness, it'shiddenness.
It's not strength, it'ssurvival.
It's not repentance, it's innerrejection.
(03:43):
And God has something so muchbetter for you.
Both acting out and acting inare symptoms of the same root
shame.
One looks like rebellion, theother looks like control, but
both are about self-protectionand both cut us off from the joy
and intimacy we were createdfor.
(04:05):
So if both acting out andacting in are just two sides of
the same coin, what's the metalthe coin is made of?
That's shame.
Shame is not just an emotion.
It's a story, a script, a heavycloak we learn to wear early in
(04:26):
life and once it settles intoour bones, it tells us dangerous
things.
You're not enough, you're toomuch, you'll never change,
You're the problem.
And over time we stopquestioning those voices, we
start building our lives aroundthem.
We try to achieve our way out,perform our way out, behave our
(04:51):
way out or rebel, escape andnumb.
Dr Brene Brown defines shame asthe intensely painful feeling of
experience, believing that weare flawed and therefore
unworthy of love and belonging.
And here's the catch when webelieve we are unworthy of love,
we'll do anything to avoid thepain of intimacy, because
(05:16):
intimacy says let me see you,and shame says if they saw me,
they'd leave.
So we numb, we turn to porn,hookups and other unwanted
sexual behaviors.
We scroll endlessly.
We stay busy, maybe we drink,we overeat, we overwork, we
(05:37):
isolate, we escape intofantasies, sexual, romantic or
just what-if?
Daydreams, and in doing so weslowly disconnect from reality.
Brene Brown calls this selectivenumbing, and here's the hard
truth.
We cannot selectively numbemotions.
(05:59):
When we numb the dark, we alsonumb the light.
So you can't deaden your griefwithout also dulling your joy.
You can't bury your angerwithout also burying your wonder
.
You can't suppress fear withoutalso silencing hope, fear
(06:26):
without also silencing hope.
Numbing is an attempt to survivepain, but it ends up silencing
the very emotions that make ushuman and make us capable of
love and the cost.
We become people who look aliveon the outside but are
emotionally flatlined on theinside.
We wonder why we can't feel joy, why intimacy feels awkward,
(06:47):
why love feels foreign.
It's because the walls we builtto keep pain out also keep love
out.
But the gospel enters here witha startling reversal.
You are not flawed and unworthyof love.
You are broken and beloved.
You are seen fully and invited.
(07:11):
Still.
This is where healing beginsNot with striving but with
receiving, not with numbing butwith naming.
Jesus doesn't numb your shame,he names it, he faces it and he
redeems it.
So if shame leads us to numb,and numbing cuts us off from joy
(07:34):
, what happens when we stopbeing able to feel at all?
We don't disappear, we adapt,we survive.
Donald Nathanson, a leadingvoice in shame research,
developed a framework known asthe Compass of Shame, a model
outlining four common defensivestrategies we adopt in response
(07:56):
to shame.
Let's briefly unpack eachdirection and how it might show
up in everyday life.
First is avoidance.
This is distraction disguisedas normal life.
We bury ourselves in work,productivity, binge-watching,
religious activity, evenministry, anything, to avoid the
(08:19):
voice of shame.
We say things like I'm justtired, but deep down we know
we're hiding.
Think of King David here,avoiding confrontation after his
sin with Bathsheba.
He distracts, deceives anddelays, but none of it brought
peace.
Second is attacking others.
(08:39):
This is the angry face of shame.
Second is attacking others.
This is the angry face of shame.
We push the shame off ofourselves by putting it on to
others.
Criticism, sarcasm, control,rage.
It keeps people far enough awaythat they won't see what we're
afraid of.
We become the harsh father, thedemanding boss, the cold spouse
(09:05):
.
It's the spirit of Saul whocouldn't handle David's rising
success and turned to jealousy,attack and pursuit.
He couldn't deal with his owninner shame, so he made David
the enemy.
Third is attacking self.
This is inner contempt, thevoice that says I'm such a
(09:28):
failure, I'm disgusting, I'llnever get this right.
This voice feels religioussometimes, but it's actually
spiritual self-abuse.
It's what Judas did afterbetraying Jesus.
Instead of returning to gracelike Peter, he turned inward and
self-destructed Shame twistedhis failure into fatalism.
(09:53):
And fourth is withdrawal.
This is silent shame.
We go emotionally cold, weghost conversations, we isolate,
not because we don't care butbecause we've already concluded
we're disqualified from beingloved.
It's the prodigal son in thepigsty Not just feeding swine
(10:17):
but believing that swine is allhe deserves, deserves.
These four responses avoidingattacking others, attacking self
and withdraw are not bad habits.
They are trauma-bornestrategies to survive shame.
But here's the problem the verydefenses we use to protect
(10:39):
ourselves from shame becomeprisons that keep us from love.
They build walls we can't climband we slowly become numb,
angry, bitter or invisible.
But, friend, hear this Jesusdoesn't come to punish your
shame reactions.
He comes to meet you in them.
(10:59):
He doesn't need you to bebetter behaved.
He longs for you to be fullyseen and deeply loved and he
knows you won't heal bypretending you don't feel shame.
You'll only heal by bringing itinto the light.
So if shame drives us to avoidattack or withdraw, what exactly
(11:22):
is it whispering beneath thesurface?
What are the core lies thatfuel those reactions?
Because if we don't name thosemessages, we'll keep living by
them even if we don't realize it.
This brings us to what's calledthe three eyes of shame, the
(11:42):
hidden identity statements thatsit beneath most of our
self-sabotage and our resistanceto intimacy.
These are insignificance thatsays I don't matter.
This lie makes you feelinvisible, even in a crowded
room.
It shows up when your presencefeels optional, when your voice
(12:04):
feels unwelcome, when youbelieve the best thing you can
do is stay out of the way.
This is the orphan heart, theboy inside who learned long ago
I'm not worth noticing, butscripture says you are precious
and honored in my sight.
I love you, isaiah 43.4.
(12:25):
Another I is incompetence thatsays I'll never get it right.
This lie keeps you striving,performing and overanalyzing.
It whispers no matter how hardyou try, you're not enough.
You see every mistake as proof.
You dread responsibilitybecause it exposes your
(12:47):
inadequacy.
It's Moses saying I'm not agood speaker.
It's Peter sinking after amoment of faith.
But listen to the truth.
Not that we are competent inourselves, but our competence
comes from God.
2 Corinthians 3.5.
(13:08):
And the third I is impotence.
This says I'm powerless.
This lie says things will neverchange.
I can't make a difference, I'mstuck.
You may feel paralyzed inconflict, passive in your
marriage, stuck in addiction.
Powerlessness becomes yourposture and despair becomes
(13:30):
familiar.
But God says somethingradically different.
You have not been given aspirit of fear, but of power,
love and a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1.7.
Each of these liesinsignificance, incompetence and
impotence form a false identity.
They don't just distort how yousee yourself, they disfigure
(13:53):
how you receive love, how yourelate to God and how you show
up in the world.
They aren't healed by behaviormodification.
They're only healed by behaviormodification.
They're only healed by identitytransformation, by learning to
hear, receive and trust what Godsays about you more than what
shame has said.
So ask yourself which of thesethree I's has been shaping your
(14:19):
story and what would it looklike to invite Jesus into that
place, not with pressure, butwith presence, because where
shame says who do you think youare, god says you are mine.
Once shame has shaped how wesee ourselves, it naturally
(14:41):
begins to shape how we treatothers, especially the people
closest to us, because when youbelieve you're insignificant,
incompetent or powerless, youstart trying to control what you
can your environment, yourrelationships, your emotions and
in that effort, we often don'tact out.
(15:02):
We act in.
Acting in is one of the mostoverlooked barriers to joy and
intimacy, because it oftenmasquerades as self-control,
strength or just being tired,but left unaddressed, it will
shut down connection, sabotagevulnerability and destroy
intimacy from the inside out.
(15:23):
According to Dr Omar Manwala,common acting in behaviors
include things like stonewallingthis is where you go silent as
a way to punish or toself-protect.
Perhaps it's controlling withanger, using emotion to
manipulate rather than toconnect.
(15:45):
Passivity this is abdicatingleadership or ownership in
relationships.
Withholding love this is usingcoldness as power.
Blame and criticism this isdefecting pain by projecting it
onto others.
(16:05):
Or avoidance this is escapingreality or emotional discomfort.
We see acting in throughoutscripture too.
Take Adam in Genesis 3.
After the fall, he hides,blames and covers himself.
(16:26):
That's acting in Blame,avoidance and shame-fueled
control.
Or focusing on the speck in ourbrother's eye and not paying
attention to the plank in ourown eye, as in Matthew 7, verse
3.
This is blaming, criticizingand avoiding too.
(16:49):
The goal of acting in is to staysafe, but the result is
relational destruction andemotional shutdown.
When we don't know how to letlove in, even kindness can feel
like a threat.
Even kindness can feel like athreat.
Okay, so we've named thebehaviors stonewalling, anger,
passivity, avoidance.
(17:10):
We've seen how they often maskfear and shame rather than
strength and maturity.
But now comes the deeperquestion when did I learn to
live this way?
Because these patterns don'tcome from nowhere.
They're not just bad habits,they're survival strategies
(17:31):
forged in the fire of ourearliest experiences.
We don't just act in becausewe're difficult or broken.
We act in because, Thank you.
We act in because somewherealong the way we learned it was
(17:58):
safer than being seen.
To truly heal, we have to gobeyond behavior.
We have to go to the story thattaught us how to survive.
And this is where the work ofJay Stringer becomes so helpful,
because he invites us not torun from our stories but to walk
(18:19):
back into them with honor andhonesty and with Jesus.
Jay Stringer teaches that ourunwanted sexual and emotional
behaviors are not random.
Rather, they are symptoms ofour unaddressed stories.
Rather, they are symptoms ofour unaddressed stories.
(18:41):
He writes, and healing beginswhen we look with compassion and
truth at our own past, not toexcuse sin but to understand it,
so we can finally interrupt thecycle.
And Jay urges us to hold ourstories with two holy postures
(19:04):
honor and honesty.
We honor the wounded child inus who tried to survive the
chaos or abandonment, and westop shaming him.
Or honesty, we stop pretendingwe're fine and start telling the
truth about what happened andwhat we did with the pain.
(19:29):
I remember one of my clients onetime was sharing a story.
One of my clients one time wassharing a story.
His mother, growing up, had towork multiple jobs and she did
everything that she could forhim and that she had to do to
(19:51):
provide a roof over the head andto put food on the table.
But this often meant that hewas at home alone, sort of lock
and key, and he didn't get a lotof his mom's attention or her
time.
And it was through doing somestory work that he was able to
(20:14):
realize that he could actuallyname that without blaming his
mom.
See, it's not about blame, it'sabout being able to name these
different parts of our storiesagain with that honor and
honesty honor and honesty and torealize that naming those
(20:48):
things is not the same asplacing blame.
See, shame grows in secrecy,but it dies in the presence of
safe, loving connection.
And when we name what happenedand how we coped, we create
space for redemption.
This is why connection mattersmore than just stopping behavior
.
As Johan Hari says, theopposite of addiction isn't
(21:13):
sobriety, it's connection.
By stepping into our storieswith honor and honesty, we open
the door to connection.
So we've begun to name ourstory.
We've started to see how shameformed our defenses and how our
behaviors, especially acting in,are rooted in the pain we've
carried silently for years.
But, friends, here's the goodnews Jesus doesn't just meet us
(21:36):
in the middle of our shame, heleads us out of it.
And he doesn't do it withpressure, he does it with joy.
Because the end goal of thishealing journey, through all the
naming, the truth-telling, theconnection, it's not just
sobriety, control or behaviorchange.
(21:58):
The goal is joy, deep,soul-level, spirit-born joy.
In John 15.11, jesus says tohis disciples I have told you
these things so that my joy maybe in you and that your joy may
(22:19):
be complete.
Let that sink in.
Jesus isn't offering a shallowcheerfulness of religious
positivity, he's offering hisjoy, the very joy that sustained
him through betrayal, sufferingand even the cross.
This isn't a joy that comesfrom our performance.
(22:41):
It's a joy that comes fromabiding in his love and being
fully known, fully forgiven andfully received.
And here's the beauty.
And here's the beauty.
The very places where shameonce told you you don't belong
are the places Jesus wants tofill you with joy that cannot be
(23:02):
taken from you.
So many of us have settled foremotional numbness.
We've bought the lie that it'ssafer not to feel at all.
But Jesus didn't die so thatyou could manage your pain.
He died so you could be fullyalive.
And that's what he wants foryou Not just relief, not just
(23:23):
behavior management, but thefullness of joy.
So if Jesus offers us his joynot as a reward but as a
birthright His joy not as areward but as a birthright how
do we begin to live like that'strue?
(23:45):
How do we take all of this truthabout shame, our story, our old
patterns, and begin practicingsomething new?
Because healing doesn't happenin a moment.
It's just a revelation.
Sorry, it's not just arevelation.
Rather, it's renovation.
We've spent years, maybedecades, building walls to
protect ourselves, but now theSpirit is inviting us to trade
(24:06):
those walls for bridges, to movefrom hiding to honesty, from
control to connection.
And this is what Scripture saysabout that kind of
transformation.
Therefore, if anyone is inChrist, he is a new creation.
The old has gone, the new hascome.
2 Corinthians 5.17.
(24:27):
This is more than a secondchance.
It's a new way of being the oldshame scripts.
No longer have to write yournext chapter.
So what does this look like inpractice?
Let's revisit those acting andbehaviors and imagine a
different way forward.
These aren't just tips forbetter communication.
(24:50):
These are holy disruptions,habits of grace, doorways back
into relationship.
So, instead of stonewalling,maybe you take a small risk.
Say one honest sentence, speakthe truth in love.
You don't have to have theperfect words, you just have to
(25:14):
stay present.
And when the conversation feelstoo intense, maybe you can say
something like I want to stayconnected, but I need some time
to regulate and pray.
Can we circle back in about 20minutes?
Silence without clarity feelslike abandonment to a partner.
(25:34):
Giving a time frame keepssafety intact while honoring
your limits.
Clarity is kindness Instead ofcontrolling with anger.
Maybe take a breath and askwhat am I feeling underneath?
Or what's going on in me rightnow.
I know when I've done this it'smade a huge difference,
(25:59):
especially in my parenting.
I can get so frustrated at timeswith just some of the
day-to-day chaos and siblingsort of rivalry and not doing
what they've been asked, thosetypes of things.
Um, you know, not doing youknow what, what they've been
asked, those types of things.
And when I allow myself to havethis sort of buffer moment to
(26:23):
ask that question, what's goingon in me right now?
I I've found that there's alike, almost like this younger
part of myself, uh, that is sortof activated part of myself
that is sort of activated.
Maybe, you know, my voicewasn't heard all the time and no
(26:46):
one's listening to me, and sothat can kind of stir up some of
these other things.
So you'll probably also findtoo that that happens for you as
well, and maybe there's a partof you that's afraid of being
rejected or abandoned in thatmoment and that's what you're
experiencing, and when you'reable to name that, it changes
that moment.
So instead of controlling withanger, it allows you to move
(27:08):
forward more softly.
So your anger is often a maskfor pain.
Instead of passivity, make onebrave move toward connection.
Send the text, initiate the hug.
Don't wait for your partner tobring up the tension, say I've
(27:30):
been thinking about ourconversation yesterday.
I realize I shut down and Iwant to try again.
Courage doesn't mean you're notafraid.
It means you're not afraid.
It means you show up anyway.
This is the work of relationalrepair.
Instead of withholding love,offer warmth even when you don't
(27:51):
feel it fully.
Offer a blessing, speak life.
Take your partner's hand evenwhen it feels undeserved or
uncomfortable.
This is how we practice beingpeople of grace.
Your partner needs to seeconsistent, safe presence.
Affection without agenda willhelp to rebuild trust.
(28:17):
Instead of blame, use impactlanguage, not accusation.
So instead of saying you alwaystwist my words, try saying
something like when you saidthat I felt dismissed and I want
to be known.
In this, impact language honorsboth your emotions and your
(28:37):
partner's dignity.
It keeps the door open insteadof slamming it shut.
Blame distances us, butvulnerability draws others near.
And instead of hiding, lean intocommunity and let someone in.
This might look like joining abetrayal, trauma or recovery
group, inviting a counselor ormentor couple into your story,
(29:01):
sharing your journey with atrusted spiritual leader, or
maybe joining a group at church.
Hiding feels like control, butit actually guarantees isolation
.
And isolation is where shamethrives.
Brene Brown calls it the Petridish.
(29:22):
So if you imagine, if you knowin science, when you have this
Petri dish and you put things inthere and you can kind of use a
microscope and you can see it,when we put shame in sort of
this Petri dish, this isolationwe can see it kind of multiplies
and it thrives in that sort ofenvironment.
(29:44):
So, friends, whether you'restuck in acting out or stuck in
acting in, here's the good newsyou don't have to stay stuck.
Hebrews 12.2 says that Jesus,for the joy set before him,
endured the cross, scorning itsshame.
You were that joy.
(30:05):
I'm going to say that again.
You were that joy.
He took on your shame so youcould live with nothing to hide,
nothing to prove and nothing tofear.
So today, put down the coin.
You don't need to flip betweenextremes.
(30:27):
You can choose a third way, theway of intimacy, vulnerability
and joy.
Before we sign off, I want topersonally invite you to two
transformational opportunitiescoming up this fall.
For the men, our Awaken retreatis happening October 3rd
through the 5th.
This will be one unforgettableweekend where you'll experience
(30:49):
being known and named by theFather through brotherhood,
experiencing the Father's heartand embodied healing.
Whether you're just startingout on your recovery journey or
you've been walking the path foryears, this retreat is for you
and for the women.
The Sacred by Design retreat ishappening November 7th and 8th.
(31:10):
It's a unique space for womento slow down, connect deeply
with God and rediscover thebeauty of who they are, beyond
shame, beyond striving.
When is the last time youexperienced true awe?
Make sure to sign up for a timeof wonder and healing If you or
(31:31):
someone you know is ready forsomething different, something
deeper.
Both retreats are now open, butspace is limited.
For all the details and toreserve your spot, just click
the link in the show notes.
All right, before we go, let meleave you with this.
There is a place within youthat longs to be seen and fears
(31:53):
it more than anything.
There's a part of you thatbelieves joy is for other people
, that healing is possible, butprobably not for you.
But here's the truth you arenot too far gone, you are not
too broken, you are not too late.
Jesus didn't run from shame.
(32:16):
He ran straight into it Not toscold you but to rescue you.
Not to punish but to heal andnot to expose you but to embrace
you.
There is no version of healingthat bypasses intimacy, but
there is grace for every step.
(32:36):
You are invited right now, justas you are.
Let's pray, jesus.
We are so tired of hiding.
We've run to things that numbedus or built walls that isolated
us.
We confess the ways we've actedout in desperation or acted in
(33:01):
through contempt and fear.
But today we hear you callingus, not with shame but with love
, not with judgment but with joy.
Jesus, would you come into theplaces we've shut down and shut
others out?
Break the cycles we can't seemto break ourselves.
(33:22):
Teach us how to receive lovewithout fear and how to give
love without control.
Help us to honor our story, totell the truth and to trust that
your grace is enough.
Jesus, you said your joy wouldbe in us and that your joy would
be full.
Make that promise real in ourhearts.
(33:47):
Today we put down our defenses,we open our hands and we say
yes to intimacy with you andwith those you've given us In
your beautiful, tender name.
Jesus, we pray Amen.
Thanks so much for joining ustoday on the Becoming Whole
(34:09):
podcast.
It's always an honor to walkalongside you as we pursue
deeper healing, greaterintegrity and a life rooted in
the love of Christ.
Until next time, keep pressinginto the truth, keep walking in
grace and a life rooted in alove of Christ.
Until next time.
Keep pressing into the truth,keep walking in grace and keep
becoming whole.
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