October 28, 2025 • 32 mins
Two hidden habits might be quietly prolonging your struggle with sexual sin—and they often masquerade as maturity. We dig into self-hatred and self-pity: why they feel justified, how they attach to faith language and real grief, and what to do instead. Rather than piling on shame or dwelling in sorrow, we unpack a path of self-compassion that keeps dignity, responsibility, and growth at the center.
If you’re ready to trade contempt and pity for courage and compassion, join us. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review with the one shift you’ll practice this week. Your voice may be the nudge someone else needs.
An Invitation for our annual women's retreat.
Free Resources to help you on your journey to Becoming Whole:
- Email us questions! info@regenerationministries.org
👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hey friends, today's podcast I want to I want to
uncover for you two sneakylittle things that may be
keeping you stuck in yourunwanted sexual behavior.
And I say they're sneaky becausesometimes you don't realize
you're doing them, sometimes uhthey seem justified and natural,
uh, and sometimes they even seemlike they're helping you in your
(00:21):
recovery journey, but they'reactually keeping you stuck.
Matter of fact, they can be sosneaky that sometimes those who
are helping you or comingalongside of you may not realize
that they're there, and theyactually may also contribute to
them.
I know I've actually been guiltyof these in my own life, my own
journey.
And I've also been guilty ofaccidentally contributing to
(00:43):
these in someone else's life asthey're trying to gain freedom.
They can be that sneaky.
So let's uncover them, let'stalk about them in today's
podcast.
Here they are, the two self-pityand self-hatred.
Self-pity and self-hatred.
Both sneaky little things that,if not uncovered and renounced
and abandoned, will keep youstuck in your unwanted sexual
(01:04):
behavior.
So here's how self-hatred,that's that's maybe the most
obvious one.
Self-hatred gets into this, intoour recovery journey because as
we continue with our unwantedsexual behavior, we can very
easily begin to turn onourselves because we're like,
wait, why do I keep doing thesethings that are causing me so
much pain?
Why do I keep doing these thingsthat are causing other people so
(01:25):
much pain?
I something's wrong with me.
I'm driving myself crazy, I'mdriving other people crazy.
Um, I promise I'm gonna stopthis.
I've been maybe I've been inrecovery for a long time or long
enough that I think I shouldn'tbe doing my behaviors anymore.
And it's very natural, it makesit understandable why we would
then start to look down atourselves, hate ourselves, be
(01:47):
mean to ourselves, um, feeldeeply ashamed about ourselves.
Even though it's understandable,it is a trap.
It is a mistake, it's an errorthat will really cause you harm
to turn on yourself in this way.
Now, some of you go might think,well, self-hatred's maybe a
little too hard.
I don't I don't hate everythingabout myself.
(02:08):
But just recognize in the areaof recovery, do you feel a level
of loathing of yourself?
Do you put yourself down?
Do you have a lot of negativeself-talk around your recovery,
your sexuality, your journey?
Um, do you say mean things toyourself, even just in your
head?
Are you self-deprecating towardsyourself?
(02:29):
Uh these are all signs ofself-hatred.
And and if again, if self-hatredfeels too extreme, then just
think on a scale, like, youknow, uh, or gradations.
Do you have any gr is there anyhint of self-hatred or
self-rejection that you'recarrying?
Any hint of you turning onyourself?
If so, that's what we're talkingabout.
That can keep you stuck in this,uh, in your recovery journey,
(02:51):
not making progress.
Some of the favorite verses,even that people might attribute
and think, hey, it makes sensethat I'd feel so about myself.
Look, look what scripture says.
Uh, 1 Corinthians 9 27, Paulbeats his body and makes it his
slave.
He beats his body and makes ithis slave.
Uh, some people can think that'swhat they're doing when really
what they're engaging in isself-hatred.
(03:11):
Don't miss the context of whatPaul is talking about in 1
Corinthians.
He's talking about being like anathlete who's working really,
really hard to disciplinehimself so that he can achieve
that crown of victory.
That's not the same as turningagainst yourself.
That's that's turning againstthe parts of you that are
resisting progress or that feellazy sometimes and and don't
(03:33):
want to do the work.
That's different thanself-hatred.
Um, or Psalm 22.6 might beanother favorite verse of those
who who are contributing toself-hatred.
It says, uh, it's David saying,I'm a worm and not a man.
Okay, if I'm a worm and not aman, like that's what I feel
like in my addiction.
I'm I'm I'm such I'm so bad thatI'm a worm and not a man, uh, or
(03:54):
I'm not a woman for women outthere.
But uh, but again, don't missthe context.
The psalmist is not actuallysaying that he's a worm and not
a person.
What he's saying is that this isthe way people are treating me.
They're treating me so badly.
They're treating me like I'm aworm and not a person.
This is, he's not advocating orprescribing that we treat
(04:15):
ourselves this way, that this isthe right way to treat
ourselves.
Self-hatred can be reallysneaky.
I think, I think Christians,sadly, can can be some of the
ones who are most prone toreally despising themselves
because we talk about the fleshor the um or the old self in
such a way that we think we'returning on that.
(04:37):
The problem is that that can getreally confusing for us.
So we need to saturate ourselvesin some of the reality that God
doesn't treat us that way.
God does not hate you, brotherand sister.
Yes, you've been struggling withsexual sins for years and years
and years.
Yes, there are times where youactually say, you know what, I
want it, and you turn toward it.
But does God hate you inresponse to that?
(04:58):
Absolutely not.
So here's why.
Here are the here's the problemwith self-hatred.
I'm gonna give you five or sixof them.
First of all, as I said, Godloves you.
Scripture is absolutely clearthat God loves you.
For God so loved the world,including you, that he gave his
only begotten son.
God loves you.
And so if you are turning onyourself and treating yourself
(05:18):
with contempt or self-rejectionor self-hatred, you are in
essence turning on God.
If God is moving towards you inlove and you are moving towards
yourself in hate, then you areacting acting against God in
your life.
And I guarantee you that is notgoing to work well for you.
Secondly, God made you.
You've probably heard theexpression, God made you and you
(05:41):
don't make junk, right?
It it's true.
I mean, it's it's cliche, butit's true.
God made you.
You are fashioned by him.
David writes in his Psalms thatI'm fearfully and wonderfully
made, he says in that samePsalm, Psalm 139, that God, you
knit me together in my mother'swomb.
I am your handiwork, God.
And so when you are turningagainst yourself, treating
(06:04):
yourself with contempt, hatingon yourself because of an area
of struggle or difficulty, youare actually insulting God's
handiwork.
You uh in in Genesis uh two, itis not until after God has
created man and woman that Hethat the scriptures say that now
all of creation, that which wasgood before, now it is very
(06:26):
good.
Brothers and sisters, you arepart of God's very good
creation.
Do you have sin in your life?
Yep.
You struggle?
Yep.
But please don't turn that intoself-hatred.
All right, next.
Next, um uh other other problem,next problem with why
self-hatred doesn't work.
Um you treat with disdain thatwhich you disdain.
(06:52):
You treat with disdain thatwhich you disdain.
If you hate something, you'regonna hurt that something.
Recognize that?
You hate something, you're gonnahurt with something.
So let's say you, you know, youyou got a um uh an old car and
it keeps breaking down on you.
Eventually you're gonna stop,you're gonna start hating that
(07:12):
car.
You're gonna start treating itbadly.
You're gonna leave trash in thefloor of that car, you're gonna,
you're not gonna get it washed,you're gonna, you're gonna treat
it badly.
If you hate yourself or there'sself-hatred within you, even to
a degree, you're you're gonnatreat yourself accordingly, and
that's gonna work out againstyou.
In fact, that's one of thereasons that you are stuck
(07:32):
acting out.
One of the reasons you keepgoing back to your sexual acting
out, treating yourself badly inthat regard, is because you're
carrying self-hatred towardsyourself.
Do you see how it's a cycle thatway?
You're acting out, it developsself-hatred, it nourishes
self-hatred in you, and so youtreat yourself badly.
You act out, and that producesmore self-hatred in you, and it
(07:55):
just gets worse and worse andworse.
Um, so self-hatred works againstyour recovery in that way.
Number four, no one invests inthat which they despise.
You don't invest in that whichyou despise.
You invest in, you put time andenergy and resources towards
that which you love.
You give your best to that whichyou love most.
(08:19):
You give your best to that whichyou love most.
Think about some prize.
Let's talk about a car again.
Maybe you've got a car in yourlife and you love this car, you
wash it every week, you makesure you don't leave trash in
it, you bring it in for tune-upsor you're tune it up yourself.
You never miss an oil change.
And if something's creaking orgoing wrong in it, you're quick
to respond and take care of it.
(08:39):
You give your best to that whichyou love and value most.
And you need to love, you needyour best in the in the journey
towards recovery, becauserecovery is hard work.
It requires dedication andendurance and time and energy
and sometimes resources.
And if I could put it, let melet me highlight this before you
again.
This is how God treats you.
(09:01):
He loves you, he cherishes you.
He gave his best for you.
How?
In Jesus.
The Father gave the Son, whom Heloves for you.
He doesn't despise the Son.
The Son is the best of the bestof the best of the best.
He is the He is the ultimatehuman, and He gave His only
begotten Son for you.
Why?
Because you are worth so much.
He loves you so much.
(09:23):
So follow His lead, do as Hedoes.
Number five, you withhold goodfrom that which you hate.
So you're gonna refuse andresist God's mercy and God's
love for you if you haveself-hatred.
I know this was so true for mein my own sexual recovery
journey when God began pouringout his forgiveness and his love
(09:45):
right in the places where Ineeded them most, right in the
places where I needed the most.
When he started pointing out thegood things in my in my
recovery, even when I wasfailing, when he started
pointing out the good in mysexuality, even when I was still
just gripped by sexual sin, Iresisted those things initially.
Why?
Because I had self-hatred.
I was I had turned on thoseparts of myself.
(10:07):
Brothers and sisters, the partsof you that you turn on, the
parts of you are the parts thatneed God's gifts the most, need
good the most, need you to allowaccess to God's forgiveness,
mercy, love, grace, compassion,joy.
Um, those are the places thatneed more honor than you've been
giving.
So please, please, please,instead of that, instead of
(10:28):
self-hatred, renounceself-hatred.
And let me put it this way uhyou need to be a follower of
Jesus.
Follow Jesus.
Now I know you're thinking,well, I've been trying to follow
Jesus, the area of my sexuality.
Okay, so begin by followingJesus, is following Jesus and
how he treats sinners.
Right?
(10:48):
What's the area of your lifethat is most sinful?
Follow Jesus there.
And initially I mean this (10:53):
do as Jesus did there.
Jesus loved sinners, he pursuedsinners, he spent time with
sinners, he listened to sinners,he called sinners to be close to
him.
Let those parts of you that aremost sinful draw near to Jesus
because you are his follower andhe will welcome you there.
(11:18):
So you're struggling with sexualsin and you want to be a
follower of Jesus in the area ofyour sexuality, begin by being a
follower of Jesus by letting himbe close to those areas that are
most sinful.
And it includes your yourfailures, your flaws, your sins.
Um don't run from him there.
I I one of my one of my heroesof the faith is Brother
(11:39):
Lawrence.
He was a, I don't know I can'tremember when he lived, 15th,
16th century, 14th century.
I'm not getting that all wrong.
But in any case, one of thethings he he would say in the
areas of his flaws and his sins,he would accept them, not as
inevitable in his life, but hewould turn towards the Lord and
talk to him about it.
He just had honest conversationsabout his flaws and failures.
Lord, I did it again.
There it is again.
(12:00):
And he would not have anyreproach or self-hatred, he
wouldn't beat himself up for it.
He would just say, Lord, thereit is again.
And Lord, I'm gonna continue todo that, I know, uh, until you
heal me, unless you heal me.
He wasn't shaking a fist at Godabout that.
He was just having aconversation with God about it,
being frank.
And that's that there was nohint of self-hatred.
Beautiful way to approach yourstruggles.
(12:23):
Um, Jesus accepts you with allyour flaws.
Uh and he continues, even inyour flaws and your failures, to
see God's original design inyou.
And as you spend time with himand invite him and accept his
invitation to you to bring thoseparts of yourself to him, he's
gonna show you the good that'sthat's even in there.
(12:44):
So let him do that.
Spend time with Jesus in thosespaces.
Um recently I was I was dealingwith some shame in my life, uh,
not in the in the realm ofsexual sin, but in in some
places in my relationship,particularly my relationship
with my wife, where I was reallyfailing.
And I just felt, man, I I don'thave any respect for myself
here.
I don't know how she's gonnarespect me.
I just, I was really despairing.
(13:05):
It was really a hard, hardseason.
And there's a point where God, Iwas talking to God about it, and
uh he he kind of highlighted forme how a farmer who hates his
land, or a farmer who doesn't,who feels so bad about himself
won't nurture his land.
And he gave me this picture, andit was a really beautiful
(13:25):
picture of this this kind ofbarren field, this farmland that
wasn't, it didn't have any cropsin it, maybe even had a couple,
um, some weeds kicking up out ofit.
And he and he was highlightingfor me like the farmer needs to
love that dirt.
He needs to love that dirt.
And I started thinking aboutthat dirt, that dirt that has
underneath it richer, more moistsoil.
(13:47):
That dirt that if you go downand down and down has has worms
and bugs and beetles crawling init that are nurturing that soil.
And you go down even farther andit's to get to the center of the
earth, it's all a part of onefabric.
This dirt.
And and in this dirt, there's amystery.
I'm not an an I don't knowagriculture, so I don't I don't
know the terms or how thishappens, but there's mystery in
that dirt because somehow thatdirt has within itself nutrients
(14:10):
that if you add seed and lightand water to it, things will
grow from it.
So that dirt, that dirt fieldthat doesn't look like it has
anything of worth, Godcherishes, he values, he sees
its potential.
And that's an invitation.
That was God's invitation to meto care for those places in me
(14:31):
that seemed barren and and likethey were, you know, instead of
instead of turning towardsself-hatred and beating myself
up and despairing, he wasinviting me to love that soil.
So, brothers and sisters, don'tturn towards self-hatred.
Instead, let Jesus come near tothose places.
That's what you need.
All right, let's move on toself-pity, because likewise,
(14:52):
self-pity can be a really sneakyarea for people.
It can feel like one of thosethings that is natural, it makes
sense.
So here's an example of howself-pity can sneak in.
Uh, for those of you who havebeen have spent any good amount
of time in in in recovery, oneof the things you've inevitably
done is taken a look at yourchildhood, like even beginning
with where did my unwantedsexual behaviors begin?
(15:14):
Middle school?
Well, what was going on for youin middle school?
How did you find the content ofthe material?
For some of you, there was maybean older peer who was paying
attention to you, and that thatfondness, that affection turned
into a sexual relationship.
Well, that wasn't your fault.
You you were longing foraffection, and the older peer
approached you.
(15:35):
Um, and maybe it was even,depending on the the power
dynamic, maybe it was it waseven sexual abuse.
And they may have made you thinkthat you were volunteering,
volunteering in there, but thatpower differential wasn't your
fault.
So as you're discovering thosethings, um, you're like, wait,
that wasn't my fault.
And you begin to feel sad aboutthat.
For others of you, you begin torecognize that that maybe your
(15:57):
early exposure to pornographywas something that was uh in
your house, or there's a lack ofappropriate adult monitoring of
your devices.
Well, that also wasn't yourfault.
Those things are powerful.
Sex is powerful, nudity ispowerful.
And so as a little kid, withoutthe the executive functioning or
the wherewithal to know what youwere doing, you stumbled into
(16:18):
something and there weren'tadults to help you, that wasn't
your fault.
And that creates some sadnessfor you.
Um maybe for others of you,you're you've begun to recognize
and connect some dots betweensome abuses or neglect in your
family, maybe an absent parentin your family, maybe an angry
parent in your family, maybe aparent who whose emotions were
(16:38):
big and large, and and everybodyelse's emotions didn't get the
airplay that that parent'semotions got.
Um maybe your parents had theirown addictions and those wounded
you.
So you're beginning to connectdots between the unwanted sexual
behavior that you've becomeaddicted to and some of these
early experiences.
Any of you who have done somefantasy framework work with us
or story work with us or others,you you might also recognize,
(17:01):
like, yeah, I know even some ofthe specific things that I'm
drawn to, and I can connect thedots between those and some very
specific wounds or experiences Ihad when I was a kid.
So the sadness that you feel isa right response.
The grief that you feel as youexperience that is a right
response.
But one of the sneaky thingsabout self-pity is that sadness
(17:21):
and grief can morph intoself-pity, where it becomes
almost this soothing place.
We recognize the sadness, thegrief on some level, our tears
can be soothing.
We might even get some attentionfrom others around those things
where they feel compassion forus and they begin to soothe us.
And they're meeting us in someof those places that are really,
(17:42):
really raw and painful.
And that's a wonderful thing.
But we're not meant to staythere.
Self-pity is that is kind ofwhen that sadness, we become
tempted by that sadness to juststay in that space because we
hadn't received comfort therebefore.
We hadn't been soothed therebefore.
We hadn't received loving andcompassionate and soothing
(18:02):
attention from others therebefore.
And so now that we do, we'retempted to stay in that space.
We want their soothing, we wantthat attention.
Now the wanting their attention,wanting soothing, wanting to
feel comforted in those spaces,that's really good.
You need that.
But the self-pity, thetemptation of self-pity is this
is the only way you get it.
The only way you get this kindof connection, the only way you
(18:25):
feel better is by staying inthis space of sadness and grief.
So it's self-pity is a refusalto let go of the sadness and
grief, or maybe a refusal tomove beyond it, to work through
it to a better place.
The other way that self-pity cansneak in there is if you if
you're you're recognizing theconnections between your
present-day unwanted sexualbehavior and your past wounds,
(18:48):
uh, self-pity can sneak in andsay, well, it wasn't my fault.
So I'm having to go through allthis work, I'm having to do, I'm
having to go to group, I'mhaving to pour out my resources,
I'm having to confess things andfeel humiliated about what I'm
doing.
I'm I'm feeling terrible withmyself, and all of this because
of what somebody else did to meor what somebody else failed me
in when I was a kid, that's aversion of self-pity.
(19:08):
Now, anger can be a naturalresponse to those wounds for
sure.
It's a part of grief.
Anger is a part of the grievingprocess.
But again, self-pity is sneakingthat kind of gets its hooks in
there and insists that you stay.
You don't need self-pity.
What you need isself-compassion.
So it's a mistake to give in toself-pity, but you do need
self-compassion.
So it may help to just recognizesome of the differences between
(19:30):
self-pity and self-compassion.
Let me highlight those for youhere.
Um, self-pity, well, let me letme actually let me start with
this.
Let me start by by helping yourecognize how self-pity is
destructive and how it keeps howit keeps you stuck in your
unwanted sexual behavior.
First of all, it actually whereit where it gives you initially,
where sadness and grief givesyou connection, self-pity
(19:53):
actually cuts you off from theconnections you need.
And it may not feel like it doesat first, but it actually cuts
you off from being a part of thecommunity and a part of the
friendships that you so desireand that you need in your
recovery journey.
If you want to grow in sexualintegrity, you need community.
You need a recovery community.
You need other friends, you needloved ones who are in this with
you.
(20:14):
You need friendships of peoplewho are walking with you.
And in life in general, you needfriendships, you need loved
ones.
They don't even need to be inyour recovery community, but you
need those kinds of connections.
Self-pity actually cuts you offfrom those connections.
And here's how (20:25):
in two ways.
Number one, it doesn't give youfriends because the people who
are pitying you are not yourequals.
They're, they've got, there's anot a there's a power
differential there, right?
And at first, there really maybe.
They they may have what youdon't have.
They may be healers, they may becounselors, they may be further
along in the journey.
(20:46):
But if you stay stuck inself-pity, that power
differential remains there.
Um, they're not your friends,they're not allies on the
journey as much as they are thethey're the caretakers and
you're the one being cared for.
They're the ones who are able,and you're the one who's not
able, you're disabled.
They're the provider and you'rethe needy one who doesn't have
what what they have.
(21:06):
Do you see that?
Um that's not the way it workswith compassion.
That's not the way the way itworks with self-compassion.
I'll get to that in a minute.
But the second way that it cutsyou off from community and
friendships is that eventuallyothers in your community, other,
others who could be friends,others who could be allies, they
honestly begin to get a littletired of the power differential.
(21:27):
They they begin to get tired ofalways pouring in where you're
not pouring into them, whereyou're where it's not an
interdependent relationship,it's a dependent relationship.
And if they're healthy, they'regonna begin to draw some
boundaries and say, yeah, no, Iactually can't spend time with
you tonight.
I'm I'm going out with somefriends.
And this begins to be a cyclewhere it just spirals, spirals
downward.
Because when you experiencethat, the self-pity just grows
(21:50):
all the more.
Do you hear how it spiralsdownward?
And that's the second reason.
So the first is it cuts you offfrom real friendships and from
those kind of interdependent,co-equal friendships and
relationships.
Second is that it spiralsdownward, it becomes
self-fulfilling.
So self-pity says somethinglike, you know, uh my life
stinks and and it always has.
And now people that you wishwere your friends wish were
(22:12):
reaching out to you, aren'treaching out to you.
And you're like, look, see, mylife stinks now too.
And it's just it just spirals inthat way.
Um, and that self-pity becomesnow not just something that
you're experiencing, it becomesan identity issue.
You recognize that?
My life stinks.
What's wrong with me?
How come this keeps happening tome?
This is must be all about me.
(22:33):
And that is definitely not thetrajectory, you trajectory you
want when you're trying to dealto break free from unwanted
sexual behaviors because nowyou're thinking like this just
must be me.
I've experienced this inrecovery with people, and man,
like there's they're continuingto do their unwanted sexual
behaviors, and you hear it comeout like, what's wrong with me?
Why do I keep doing this?
It's about me, me, me, me, me.
(22:54):
Um the evidence is in theproblem must be me.
This is what self-pity leads to.
And you notice it creates someof the same issues that
self-hatred creates.
Like, right, you don't invest.
If you, if, if you're theproblem, you're not going to
invest in the problem.
You invest in solutions, youinvest in things that mean
something, you invest in thingsof worth.
(23:15):
But self-pity makes you thinkyou're not worth that much.
And it creates the environmentand that's that self-fulfilling
prophecy that makes you thinkyou're not worth that much.
And then you're likely to stopinvesting in yourself.
You may also stop investing inyourself because if you the only
way you've known to connect withpeople is them caring for you,
them pitying you, and maybeyou've even got unhealthy people
(23:36):
in your life who are just kindof continue to pour in and pour
in and pour in and never callyou on the self-pity.
Um, if that's the only wayyou've known to get that kind of
soothing and that kind ofattention, you may not want to
give up your unwanted sexualbehaviors.
You may not want to give up yourwounds.
You may not want to heal becausethat's all you've ever known.
You don't need that, you needself-compassion.
(23:56):
Um, self-compassion isdifferent.
So where self-pity is uh is uhhas that power differential
where a person's over you andthey're always pouring into you.
Self-compassion recognizes,yeah, I you know what?
I I need compassion in this areaof my life, and so I'm gonna
receive it in this area of mylife, but that's not all that I
am.
Am I going to want a sexualbehavior?
(24:17):
That's not all that I am.
What happened to me when I was akid?
That's not all that I am.
Self-compassion recognizes thateven while you're receiving help
from someone else, you have goodto give.
So maybe not in your in acoaching or therapy
relationship.
Maybe there's that, you know,that there's a you're not
buddies, you don't hang out, butbut can you help out someone
who's not as far along as you onthe journey?
(24:39):
Can you care and listen for thema bit without making it about
you?
Are there kids in your life thatyou can pour into?
Is there someone else in yourneighborhood that you can give
some time and attention to?
Self-compassion allows for thatwhere self-pity won't.
Secondly, um, self-pity isidentity-based, or at least it
becomes identity-based.
This is all about me.
I'm the problem here.
My life is worthless.
(25:01):
Um, self-compassion iscircumstance or situation based,
right?
So self-pity says, like, my lifestinks.
This is, you know, I'm destinedfor this.
It must be about me.
I just seem to attract problems.
Self-compassion says, whathappened to me is where I need
compassion.
Uh, it's not, it's not becauseof me that I need compassion,
(25:24):
it's what happened to me.
It's not me that needscompassion, or it's not because
of me that I need compassion,it's because of what I'm
struggling with.
The addiction that's developedin my life that I need
compassion, the sins that I'mcaptive to.
That's why I need compassion.
Where self-pity says, you know,it's it's me.
I'm the I'm the reason I needcompassion.
I'm the one the reason I needpity, I mean.
Um, next, self-pity is uhpermanent.
(25:47):
It has a permanent perspective.
It's despairing, like it'salways going to be this way.
Self-compassion recognizes thisis for a season.
I give myself compassion as I'mwalking through this recovery.
I give myself compassion as I'mhealing from these wounds.
I give myself compassion inthese areas.
And by compassion I mean grace,tenderness, attention.
But self-pity wants to staythere.
(26:10):
So it's inevitable.
It's chronic.
And the person who's stuck inself-pity becomes chronically
unique.
They're the only one.
They're the unique few that thatneed this situation, this that
these troubles befall.
Um, next, self-pity is uh saysthis is this burden is too much
for me, and so I need pity.
(26:30):
And I need I need accommodation.
I need you to give me a break.
Uh I need you to give meattention you don't give
everybody else.
I need more attention thaneverybody else.
That's what self-pity says.
Self-compassion says this burdenis too much for me, right now at
least, and so I need help.
I need help.
Um, and and that's okay.
So, again, thinking about thebrother Lawrence idea of Lord,
(26:52):
here I am, and I'm always gonnabe this way unless you help me.
Brother Lawrence also practicedGod's presence and he made it a
practice to keep at it over andover again.
He said, We must continuallyapply ourselves to practicing
God's presence.
He was willing to work.
He's like, God, I need yourhelp.
I'm always gonna be this wayunless you help me.
And so he was a pursuer of God.
(27:14):
Self-pity will say, God, I'malways gonna be this way unless
you change me.
But then the person turns theirback on God, resists God.
Um, you see the difference?
Okay.
So again, what what do Iprescribe?
Follow Jesus.
Follow Jesus.
And if you're struggling tofollow Jesus in the area of your
sexual conduct, begin byfollowing Jesus by receiving his
(27:36):
compassion.
Not his um his pitying you assome kind of in a unique way,
but his compassion upon yourstruggles, his compassion upon
your sin, his compassion is youone who's one who's stuck, his
compassion over you because ofwhat happened to you when you
were a kid that wasn't yourfault.
Jesus readily offers youcompassion, forgiveness, but he
(27:59):
also holds you responsible.
Jesus died on the cross notbecause we were uh not just
because we were sinners, butbecause he wanted to free us
from our sin.
And he holds us responsible forthat.
This is why in the Christiantradition we confess our sins,
not as those who areself-pitying who go, like, yeah,
(28:21):
I still struggle with this, youknow, it's just who I am.
Like, but rather as those whosay, Lord, there's a lot that
contributed to how I got intothis mess in the first place,
but I'm responsible for mychoices today.
I'm responsible to receive yourgrace, I'm responsible to pursue
your help.
And so forgive me.
Forgive me, Lord, for my sexualsin.
I confess it to you, it waswrong.
(28:41):
And Lord, also forgive me for myself-pity.
That too is wrong.
And by the way, brothers andsisters, you struggle with
sexual sin and it's hard to getrid of on your own.
Well, guess what?
Self-pity, self-hatred, theseare also things that are really
hard to stop on your own.
Jesus didn't just come to yousave you from your sexual sin.
He came to save you also fromself-hatred and from self-pity.
(29:02):
And the way they get a hold anda grip and on you, and they're
and they're hard to let go of.
You need help getting freedomfrom unwanted sexual behavior.
You also likely need helpgetting rid of your self-hatred
and self-pity.
You know what?
That doesn't make youchronically unique.
It makes you like so many of therest of us of us.
(29:22):
Like I said, many of us slipinto these sneaky patterns in
recovery, and even those whohelp others can sneak into these
patterns.
You are not alone in this, youare not chronically unique.
Um, seek help for these things,seek Jesus for these things.
Jesus knows the trap they are,and he is so, so willing to help
you.
I think here of um some of thecharacters in the Gospels who
(29:45):
had self hatred.
They despised themselves, theydid not think highly of
themselves.
I think here also of some whohad self pity and they thought
they were stuck and there wasnothing they can do, and they
were always going to be thatway.
And Jesus lovingly moved towardsboth of them.
So if you recognize Recognizethese in yourself.
Don't put up with them.
Don't coddle those two things,but also know that Jesus moves
(30:06):
right towards you with them.
So, practically speaking,renounce self-hatred.
In Jesus' name, I renounceself-hatred.
I refuse to hate myself for mystruggles.
Instead, I receive God's loveand mercy.
In the name of Jesus, I renounceself-pity.
I am not inevitably stuck inthis, and my life is not
inevitably worse than everybodyelse.
(30:27):
I am a person among otherpeople.
Yes, I may have some uniqueissues that others don't.
I may not know anyone whostruggles like I do, but God has
gifted me and He loves me, andI'm a member of His body just
like everybody else is.
So I renounce self-pity andinstead I receive God's
compassion and I choose to givemyself compassion as I move
towards Him and wholenessresponsibly.
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So, and final thing, brothersand sisters, if you find you're
struggling with these things andyou need some more help, we are
here to help.
We've got individual coaching,we've got groups.
Check out our events page.
We may have some things comingup.
We'd love for you to be a partof those things as well.
God bless you.
Hey friends, today's podcast I want to I want to
uncover for you two sneakylittle things that may be
keeping you stuck in yourunwanted sexual behavior.
And I say they're sneaky becausesometimes you don't realize
you're doing them, sometimes uhthey seem justified and natural,
uh, and sometimes they even seemlike they're helping you in your
(00:21):
recovery journey, but they'reactually keeping you stuck.
Matter of fact, they can be sosneaky that sometimes those who
are helping you or comingalongside of you may not realize
that they're there, and theyactually may also contribute to
them.
I know I've actually been guiltyof these in my own life, my own
journey.
And I've also been guilty ofaccidentally contributing to
(00:43):
these in someone else's life asthey're trying to gain freedom.
They can be that sneaky.
So let's uncover them, let'stalk about them in today's
podcast.
Here they are, the two self-pityand self-hatred.
Self-pity and self-hatred.
Both sneaky little things that,if not uncovered and renounced
and abandoned, will keep youstuck in your unwanted sexual
(01:04):
behavior.
So here's how self-hatred,that's that's maybe the most
obvious one.
Self-hatred gets into this, intoour recovery journey because as
we continue with our unwantedsexual behavior, we can very
easily begin to turn onourselves because we're like,
wait, why do I keep doing thesethings that are causing me so
much pain?
Why do I keep doing these thingsthat are causing other people so
(01:25):
much pain?
I something's wrong with me.
I'm driving myself crazy, I'mdriving other people crazy.
Um, I promise I'm gonna stopthis.
I've been maybe I've been inrecovery for a long time or long
enough that I think I shouldn'tbe doing my behaviors anymore.
And it's very natural, it makesit understandable why we would
then start to look down atourselves, hate ourselves, be
(01:47):
mean to ourselves, um, feeldeeply ashamed about ourselves.
Even though it's understandable,it is a trap.
It is a mistake, it's an errorthat will really cause you harm
to turn on yourself in this way.
Now, some of you go might think,well, self-hatred's maybe a
little too hard.
I don't I don't hate everythingabout myself.
(02:08):
But just recognize in the areaof recovery, do you feel a level
of loathing of yourself?
Do you put yourself down?
Do you have a lot of negativeself-talk around your recovery,
your sexuality, your journey?
Um, do you say mean things toyourself, even just in your
head?
Are you self-deprecating towardsyourself?
(02:29):
Uh these are all signs ofself-hatred.
And and if again, if self-hatredfeels too extreme, then just
think on a scale, like, youknow, uh, or gradations.
Do you have any gr is there anyhint of self-hatred or
self-rejection that you'recarrying?
Any hint of you turning onyourself?
If so, that's what we're talkingabout.
That can keep you stuck in this,uh, in your recovery journey,
(02:51):
not making progress.
Some of the favorite verses,even that people might attribute
and think, hey, it makes sensethat I'd feel so about myself.
Look, look what scripture says.
Uh, 1 Corinthians 9 27, Paulbeats his body and makes it his
slave.
He beats his body and makes ithis slave.
Uh, some people can think that'swhat they're doing when really
what they're engaging in isself-hatred.
(03:11):
Don't miss the context of whatPaul is talking about in 1
Corinthians.
He's talking about being like anathlete who's working really,
really hard to disciplinehimself so that he can achieve
that crown of victory.
That's not the same as turningagainst yourself.
That's that's turning againstthe parts of you that are
resisting progress or that feellazy sometimes and and don't
(03:33):
want to do the work.
That's different thanself-hatred.
Um, or Psalm 22.6 might beanother favorite verse of those
who who are contributing toself-hatred.
It says, uh, it's David saying,I'm a worm and not a man.
Okay, if I'm a worm and not aman, like that's what I feel
like in my addiction.
I'm I'm I'm such I'm so bad thatI'm a worm and not a man, uh, or
(03:54):
I'm not a woman for women outthere.
But uh, but again, don't missthe context.
The psalmist is not actuallysaying that he's a worm and not
a person.
What he's saying is that this isthe way people are treating me.
They're treating me so badly.
They're treating me like I'm aworm and not a person.
This is, he's not advocating orprescribing that we treat
(04:15):
ourselves this way, that this isthe right way to treat
ourselves.
Self-hatred can be reallysneaky.
I think, I think Christians,sadly, can can be some of the
ones who are most prone toreally despising themselves
because we talk about the fleshor the um or the old self in
such a way that we think we'returning on that.
(04:37):
The problem is that that can getreally confusing for us.
So we need to saturate ourselvesin some of the reality that God
doesn't treat us that way.
God does not hate you, brotherand sister.
Yes, you've been struggling withsexual sins for years and years
and years.
Yes, there are times where youactually say, you know what, I
want it, and you turn toward it.
But does God hate you inresponse to that?
(04:58):
Absolutely not.
So here's why.
Here are the here's the problemwith self-hatred.
I'm gonna give you five or sixof them.
First of all, as I said, Godloves you.
Scripture is absolutely clearthat God loves you.
For God so loved the world,including you, that he gave his
only begotten son.
God loves you.
And so if you are turning onyourself and treating yourself
(05:18):
with contempt or self-rejectionor self-hatred, you are in
essence turning on God.
If God is moving towards you inlove and you are moving towards
yourself in hate, then you areacting acting against God in
your life.
And I guarantee you that is notgoing to work well for you.
Secondly, God made you.
You've probably heard theexpression, God made you and you
(05:41):
don't make junk, right?
It it's true.
I mean, it's it's cliche, butit's true.
God made you.
You are fashioned by him.
David writes in his Psalms thatI'm fearfully and wonderfully
made, he says in that samePsalm, Psalm 139, that God, you
knit me together in my mother'swomb.
I am your handiwork, God.
And so when you are turningagainst yourself, treating
(06:04):
yourself with contempt, hatingon yourself because of an area
of struggle or difficulty, youare actually insulting God's
handiwork.
You uh in in Genesis uh two, itis not until after God has
created man and woman that Hethat the scriptures say that now
all of creation, that which wasgood before, now it is very
(06:26):
good.
Brothers and sisters, you arepart of God's very good
creation.
Do you have sin in your life?
Yep.
You struggle?
Yep.
But please don't turn that intoself-hatred.
All right, next.
Next, um uh other other problem,next problem with why
self-hatred doesn't work.
Um you treat with disdain thatwhich you disdain.
(06:52):
You treat with disdain thatwhich you disdain.
If you hate something, you'regonna hurt that something.
Recognize that?
You hate something, you're gonnahurt with something.
So let's say you, you know, youyou got a um uh an old car and
it keeps breaking down on you.
Eventually you're gonna stop,you're gonna start hating that
(07:12):
car.
You're gonna start treating itbadly.
You're gonna leave trash in thefloor of that car, you're gonna,
you're not gonna get it washed,you're gonna, you're gonna treat
it badly.
If you hate yourself or there'sself-hatred within you, even to
a degree, you're you're gonnatreat yourself accordingly, and
that's gonna work out againstyou.
In fact, that's one of thereasons that you are stuck
(07:32):
acting out.
One of the reasons you keepgoing back to your sexual acting
out, treating yourself badly inthat regard, is because you're
carrying self-hatred towardsyourself.
Do you see how it's a cycle thatway?
You're acting out, it developsself-hatred, it nourishes
self-hatred in you, and so youtreat yourself badly.
You act out, and that producesmore self-hatred in you, and it
(07:55):
just gets worse and worse andworse.
Um, so self-hatred works againstyour recovery in that way.
Number four, no one invests inthat which they despise.
You don't invest in that whichyou despise.
You invest in, you put time andenergy and resources towards
that which you love.
You give your best to that whichyou love most.
(08:19):
You give your best to that whichyou love most.
Think about some prize.
Let's talk about a car again.
Maybe you've got a car in yourlife and you love this car, you
wash it every week, you makesure you don't leave trash in
it, you bring it in for tune-upsor you're tune it up yourself.
You never miss an oil change.
And if something's creaking orgoing wrong in it, you're quick
to respond and take care of it.
(08:39):
You give your best to that whichyou love and value most.
And you need to love, you needyour best in the in the journey
towards recovery, becauserecovery is hard work.
It requires dedication andendurance and time and energy
and sometimes resources.
And if I could put it, let melet me highlight this before you
again.
This is how God treats you.
(09:01):
He loves you, he cherishes you.
He gave his best for you.
How?
In Jesus.
The Father gave the Son, whom Heloves for you.
He doesn't despise the Son.
The Son is the best of the bestof the best of the best.
He is the He is the ultimatehuman, and He gave His only
begotten Son for you.
Why?
Because you are worth so much.
He loves you so much.
(09:23):
So follow His lead, do as Hedoes.
Number five, you withhold goodfrom that which you hate.
So you're gonna refuse andresist God's mercy and God's
love for you if you haveself-hatred.
I know this was so true for mein my own sexual recovery
journey when God began pouringout his forgiveness and his love
(09:45):
right in the places where Ineeded them most, right in the
places where I needed the most.
When he started pointing out thegood things in my in my
recovery, even when I wasfailing, when he started
pointing out the good in mysexuality, even when I was still
just gripped by sexual sin, Iresisted those things initially.
Why?
Because I had self-hatred.
I was I had turned on thoseparts of myself.
(10:07):
Brothers and sisters, the partsof you that you turn on, the
parts of you are the parts thatneed God's gifts the most, need
good the most, need you to allowaccess to God's forgiveness,
mercy, love, grace, compassion,joy.
Um, those are the places thatneed more honor than you've been
giving.
So please, please, please,instead of that, instead of
(10:28):
self-hatred, renounceself-hatred.
And let me put it this way uhyou need to be a follower of
Jesus.
Follow Jesus.
Now I know you're thinking,well, I've been trying to follow
Jesus, the area of my sexuality.
Okay, so begin by followingJesus, is following Jesus and
how he treats sinners.
Right?
(10:48):
What's the area of your lifethat is most sinful?
Follow Jesus there.
And initially I mean this (10:53):
do as Jesus did there.
Jesus loved sinners, he pursuedsinners, he spent time with
sinners, he listened to sinners,he called sinners to be close to
him.
Let those parts of you that aremost sinful draw near to Jesus
because you are his follower andhe will welcome you there.
(11:18):
So you're struggling with sexualsin and you want to be a
follower of Jesus in the area ofyour sexuality, begin by being a
follower of Jesus by letting himbe close to those areas that are
most sinful.
And it includes your yourfailures, your flaws, your sins.
Um don't run from him there.
I I one of my one of my heroesof the faith is Brother
(11:39):
Lawrence.
He was a, I don't know I can'tremember when he lived, 15th,
16th century, 14th century.
I'm not getting that all wrong.
But in any case, one of thethings he he would say in the
areas of his flaws and his sins,he would accept them, not as
inevitable in his life, but hewould turn towards the Lord and
talk to him about it.
He just had honest conversationsabout his flaws and failures.
Lord, I did it again.
There it is again.
(12:00):
And he would not have anyreproach or self-hatred, he
wouldn't beat himself up for it.
He would just say, Lord, thereit is again.
And Lord, I'm gonna continue todo that, I know, uh, until you
heal me, unless you heal me.
He wasn't shaking a fist at Godabout that.
He was just having aconversation with God about it,
being frank.
And that's that there was nohint of self-hatred.
Beautiful way to approach yourstruggles.
(12:23):
Um, Jesus accepts you with allyour flaws.
Uh and he continues, even inyour flaws and your failures, to
see God's original design inyou.
And as you spend time with himand invite him and accept his
invitation to you to bring thoseparts of yourself to him, he's
gonna show you the good that'sthat's even in there.
(12:44):
So let him do that.
Spend time with Jesus in thosespaces.
Um recently I was I was dealingwith some shame in my life, uh,
not in the in the realm ofsexual sin, but in in some
places in my relationship,particularly my relationship
with my wife, where I was reallyfailing.
And I just felt, man, I I don'thave any respect for myself
here.
I don't know how she's gonnarespect me.
I just, I was really despairing.
(13:05):
It was really a hard, hardseason.
And there's a point where God, Iwas talking to God about it, and
uh he he kind of highlighted forme how a farmer who hates his
land, or a farmer who doesn't,who feels so bad about himself
won't nurture his land.
And he gave me this picture, andit was a really beautiful
(13:25):
picture of this this kind ofbarren field, this farmland that
wasn't, it didn't have any cropsin it, maybe even had a couple,
um, some weeds kicking up out ofit.
And he and he was highlightingfor me like the farmer needs to
love that dirt.
He needs to love that dirt.
And I started thinking aboutthat dirt, that dirt that has
underneath it richer, more moistsoil.
(13:47):
That dirt that if you go downand down and down has has worms
and bugs and beetles crawling init that are nurturing that soil.
And you go down even farther andit's to get to the center of the
earth, it's all a part of onefabric.
This dirt.
And and in this dirt, there's amystery.
I'm not an an I don't knowagriculture, so I don't I don't
know the terms or how thishappens, but there's mystery in
that dirt because somehow thatdirt has within itself nutrients
(14:10):
that if you add seed and lightand water to it, things will
grow from it.
So that dirt, that dirt fieldthat doesn't look like it has
anything of worth, Godcherishes, he values, he sees
its potential.
And that's an invitation.
That was God's invitation to meto care for those places in me
(14:31):
that seemed barren and and likethey were, you know, instead of
instead of turning towardsself-hatred and beating myself
up and despairing, he wasinviting me to love that soil.
So, brothers and sisters, don'tturn towards self-hatred.
Instead, let Jesus come near tothose places.
That's what you need.
All right, let's move on toself-pity, because likewise,
(14:52):
self-pity can be a really sneakyarea for people.
It can feel like one of thosethings that is natural, it makes
sense.
So here's an example of howself-pity can sneak in.
Uh, for those of you who havebeen have spent any good amount
of time in in in recovery, oneof the things you've inevitably
done is taken a look at yourchildhood, like even beginning
with where did my unwantedsexual behaviors begin?
(15:14):
Middle school?
Well, what was going on for youin middle school?
How did you find the content ofthe material?
For some of you, there was maybean older peer who was paying
attention to you, and that thatfondness, that affection turned
into a sexual relationship.
Well, that wasn't your fault.
You you were longing foraffection, and the older peer
approached you.
(15:35):
Um, and maybe it was even,depending on the the power
dynamic, maybe it was it waseven sexual abuse.
And they may have made you thinkthat you were volunteering,
volunteering in there, but thatpower differential wasn't your
fault.
So as you're discovering thosethings, um, you're like, wait,
that wasn't my fault.
And you begin to feel sad aboutthat.
For others of you, you begin torecognize that that maybe your
(15:57):
early exposure to pornographywas something that was uh in
your house, or there's a lack ofappropriate adult monitoring of
your devices.
Well, that also wasn't yourfault.
Those things are powerful.
Sex is powerful, nudity ispowerful.
And so as a little kid, withoutthe the executive functioning or
the wherewithal to know what youwere doing, you stumbled into
(16:18):
something and there weren'tadults to help you, that wasn't
your fault.
And that creates some sadnessfor you.
Um maybe for others of you,you're you've begun to recognize
and connect some dots betweensome abuses or neglect in your
family, maybe an absent parentin your family, maybe an angry
parent in your family, maybe aparent who whose emotions were
(16:38):
big and large, and and everybodyelse's emotions didn't get the
airplay that that parent'semotions got.
Um maybe your parents had theirown addictions and those wounded
you.
So you're beginning to connectdots between the unwanted sexual
behavior that you've becomeaddicted to and some of these
early experiences.
Any of you who have done somefantasy framework work with us
or story work with us or others,you you might also recognize,
(17:01):
like, yeah, I know even some ofthe specific things that I'm
drawn to, and I can connect thedots between those and some very
specific wounds or experiences Ihad when I was a kid.
So the sadness that you feel isa right response.
The grief that you feel as youexperience that is a right
response.
But one of the sneaky thingsabout self-pity is that sadness
(17:21):
and grief can morph intoself-pity, where it becomes
almost this soothing place.
We recognize the sadness, thegrief on some level, our tears
can be soothing.
We might even get some attentionfrom others around those things
where they feel compassion forus and they begin to soothe us.
And they're meeting us in someof those places that are really,
(17:42):
really raw and painful.
And that's a wonderful thing.
But we're not meant to staythere.
Self-pity is that is kind ofwhen that sadness, we become
tempted by that sadness to juststay in that space because we
hadn't received comfort therebefore.
We hadn't been soothed therebefore.
We hadn't received loving andcompassionate and soothing
(18:02):
attention from others therebefore.
And so now that we do, we'retempted to stay in that space.
We want their soothing, we wantthat attention.
Now the wanting their attention,wanting soothing, wanting to
feel comforted in those spaces,that's really good.
You need that.
But the self-pity, thetemptation of self-pity is this
is the only way you get it.
The only way you get this kindof connection, the only way you
(18:25):
feel better is by staying inthis space of sadness and grief.
So it's self-pity is a refusalto let go of the sadness and
grief, or maybe a refusal tomove beyond it, to work through
it to a better place.
The other way that self-pity cansneak in there is if you if
you're you're recognizing theconnections between your
present-day unwanted sexualbehavior and your past wounds,
(18:48):
uh, self-pity can sneak in andsay, well, it wasn't my fault.
So I'm having to go through allthis work, I'm having to do, I'm
having to go to group, I'mhaving to pour out my resources,
I'm having to confess things andfeel humiliated about what I'm
doing.
I'm I'm feeling terrible withmyself, and all of this because
of what somebody else did to meor what somebody else failed me
in when I was a kid, that's aversion of self-pity.
(19:08):
Now, anger can be a naturalresponse to those wounds for
sure.
It's a part of grief.
Anger is a part of the grievingprocess.
But again, self-pity is sneakingthat kind of gets its hooks in
there and insists that you stay.
You don't need self-pity.
What you need isself-compassion.
So it's a mistake to give in toself-pity, but you do need
self-compassion.
So it may help to just recognizesome of the differences between
(19:30):
self-pity and self-compassion.
Let me highlight those for youhere.
Um, self-pity, well, let me letme actually let me start with
this.
Let me start by by helping yourecognize how self-pity is
destructive and how it keeps howit keeps you stuck in your
unwanted sexual behavior.
First of all, it actually whereit where it gives you initially,
where sadness and grief givesyou connection, self-pity
(19:53):
actually cuts you off from theconnections you need.
And it may not feel like it doesat first, but it actually cuts
you off from being a part of thecommunity and a part of the
friendships that you so desireand that you need in your
recovery journey.
If you want to grow in sexualintegrity, you need community.
You need a recovery community.
You need other friends, you needloved ones who are in this with
you.
(20:14):
You need friendships of peoplewho are walking with you.
And in life in general, you needfriendships, you need loved
ones.
They don't even need to be inyour recovery community, but you
need those kinds of connections.
Self-pity actually cuts you offfrom those connections.
And here's how (20:25):
in two ways.
Number one, it doesn't give youfriends because the people who
are pitying you are not yourequals.
They're, they've got, there's anot a there's a power
differential there, right?
And at first, there really maybe.
They they may have what youdon't have.
They may be healers, they may becounselors, they may be further
along in the journey.
(20:46):
But if you stay stuck inself-pity, that power
differential remains there.
Um, they're not your friends,they're not allies on the
journey as much as they are thethey're the caretakers and
you're the one being cared for.
They're the ones who are able,and you're the one who's not
able, you're disabled.
They're the provider and you'rethe needy one who doesn't have
what what they have.
(21:06):
Do you see that?
Um that's not the way it workswith compassion.
That's not the way the way itworks with self-compassion.
I'll get to that in a minute.
But the second way that it cutsyou off from community and
friendships is that eventuallyothers in your community, other,
others who could be friends,others who could be allies, they
honestly begin to get a littletired of the power differential.
(21:27):
They they begin to get tired ofalways pouring in where you're
not pouring into them, whereyou're where it's not an
interdependent relationship,it's a dependent relationship.
And if they're healthy, they'regonna begin to draw some
boundaries and say, yeah, no, Iactually can't spend time with
you tonight.
I'm I'm going out with somefriends.
And this begins to be a cyclewhere it just spirals, spirals
downward.
Because when you experiencethat, the self-pity just grows
(21:50):
all the more.
Do you hear how it spiralsdownward?
And that's the second reason.
So the first is it cuts you offfrom real friendships and from
those kind of interdependent,co-equal friendships and
relationships.
Second is that it spiralsdownward, it becomes
self-fulfilling.
So self-pity says somethinglike, you know, uh my life
stinks and and it always has.
And now people that you wishwere your friends wish were
(22:12):
reaching out to you, aren'treaching out to you.
And you're like, look, see, mylife stinks now too.
And it's just it just spirals inthat way.
Um, and that self-pity becomesnow not just something that
you're experiencing, it becomesan identity issue.
You recognize that?
My life stinks.
What's wrong with me?
How come this keeps happening tome?
This is must be all about me.
(22:33):
And that is definitely not thetrajectory, you trajectory you
want when you're trying to dealto break free from unwanted
sexual behaviors because nowyou're thinking like this just
must be me.
I've experienced this inrecovery with people, and man,
like there's they're continuingto do their unwanted sexual
behaviors, and you hear it comeout like, what's wrong with me?
Why do I keep doing this?
It's about me, me, me, me, me.
(22:54):
Um the evidence is in theproblem must be me.
This is what self-pity leads to.
And you notice it creates someof the same issues that
self-hatred creates.
Like, right, you don't invest.
If you, if, if you're theproblem, you're not going to
invest in the problem.
You invest in solutions, youinvest in things that mean
something, you invest in thingsof worth.
(23:15):
But self-pity makes you thinkyou're not worth that much.
And it creates the environmentand that's that self-fulfilling
prophecy that makes you thinkyou're not worth that much.
And then you're likely to stopinvesting in yourself.
You may also stop investing inyourself because if you the only
way you've known to connect withpeople is them caring for you,
them pitying you, and maybeyou've even got unhealthy people
(23:36):
in your life who are just kindof continue to pour in and pour
in and pour in and never callyou on the self-pity.
Um, if that's the only wayyou've known to get that kind of
soothing and that kind ofattention, you may not want to
give up your unwanted sexualbehaviors.
You may not want to give up yourwounds.
You may not want to heal becausethat's all you've ever known.
You don't need that, you needself-compassion.
(23:56):
Um, self-compassion isdifferent.
So where self-pity is uh is uhhas that power differential
where a person's over you andthey're always pouring into you.
Self-compassion recognizes,yeah, I you know what?
I I need compassion in this areaof my life, and so I'm gonna
receive it in this area of mylife, but that's not all that I
am.
Am I going to want a sexualbehavior?
(24:17):
That's not all that I am.
What happened to me when I was akid?
That's not all that I am.
Self-compassion recognizes thateven while you're receiving help
from someone else, you have goodto give.
So maybe not in your in acoaching or therapy
relationship.
Maybe there's that, you know,that there's a you're not
buddies, you don't hang out, butbut can you help out someone
who's not as far along as you onthe journey?
(24:39):
Can you care and listen for thema bit without making it about
you?
Are there kids in your life thatyou can pour into?
Is there someone else in yourneighborhood that you can give
some time and attention to?
Self-compassion allows for thatwhere self-pity won't.
Secondly, um, self-pity isidentity-based, or at least it
becomes identity-based.
This is all about me.
I'm the problem here.
My life is worthless.
(25:01):
Um, self-compassion iscircumstance or situation based,
right?
So self-pity says, like, my lifestinks.
This is, you know, I'm destinedfor this.
It must be about me.
I just seem to attract problems.
Self-compassion says, whathappened to me is where I need
compassion.
Uh, it's not, it's not becauseof me that I need compassion,
(25:24):
it's what happened to me.
It's not me that needscompassion, or it's not because
of me that I need compassion,it's because of what I'm
struggling with.
The addiction that's developedin my life that I need
compassion, the sins that I'mcaptive to.
That's why I need compassion.
Where self-pity says, you know,it's it's me.
I'm the I'm the reason I needcompassion.
I'm the one the reason I needpity, I mean.
Um, next, self-pity is uhpermanent.
(25:47):
It has a permanent perspective.
It's despairing, like it'salways going to be this way.
Self-compassion recognizes thisis for a season.
I give myself compassion as I'mwalking through this recovery.
I give myself compassion as I'mhealing from these wounds.
I give myself compassion inthese areas.
And by compassion I mean grace,tenderness, attention.
But self-pity wants to staythere.
(26:10):
So it's inevitable.
It's chronic.
And the person who's stuck inself-pity becomes chronically
unique.
They're the only one.
They're the unique few that thatneed this situation, this that
these troubles befall.
Um, next, self-pity is uh saysthis is this burden is too much
for me, and so I need pity.
(26:30):
And I need I need accommodation.
I need you to give me a break.
Uh I need you to give meattention you don't give
everybody else.
I need more attention thaneverybody else.
That's what self-pity says.
Self-compassion says this burdenis too much for me, right now at
least, and so I need help.
I need help.
Um, and and that's okay.
So, again, thinking about thebrother Lawrence idea of Lord,
(26:52):
here I am, and I'm always gonnabe this way unless you help me.
Brother Lawrence also practicedGod's presence and he made it a
practice to keep at it over andover again.
He said, We must continuallyapply ourselves to practicing
God's presence.
He was willing to work.
He's like, God, I need yourhelp.
I'm always gonna be this wayunless you help me.
And so he was a pursuer of God.
(27:14):
Self-pity will say, God, I'malways gonna be this way unless
you change me.
But then the person turns theirback on God, resists God.
Um, you see the difference?
Okay.
So again, what what do Iprescribe?
Follow Jesus.
Follow Jesus.
And if you're struggling tofollow Jesus in the area of your
sexual conduct, begin byfollowing Jesus by receiving his
(27:36):
compassion.
Not his um his pitying you assome kind of in a unique way,
but his compassion upon yourstruggles, his compassion upon
your sin, his compassion is youone who's one who's stuck, his
compassion over you because ofwhat happened to you when you
were a kid that wasn't yourfault.
Jesus readily offers youcompassion, forgiveness, but he
(27:59):
also holds you responsible.
Jesus died on the cross notbecause we were uh not just
because we were sinners, butbecause he wanted to free us
from our sin.
And he holds us responsible forthat.
This is why in the Christiantradition we confess our sins,
not as those who areself-pitying who go, like, yeah,
(28:21):
I still struggle with this, youknow, it's just who I am.
Like, but rather as those whosay, Lord, there's a lot that
contributed to how I got intothis mess in the first place,
but I'm responsible for mychoices today.
I'm responsible to receive yourgrace, I'm responsible to pursue
your help.
And so forgive me.
Forgive me, Lord, for my sexualsin.
I confess it to you, it waswrong.
(28:41):
And Lord, also forgive me for myself-pity.
That too is wrong.
And by the way, brothers andsisters, you struggle with
sexual sin and it's hard to getrid of on your own.
Well, guess what?
Self-pity, self-hatred, theseare also things that are really
hard to stop on your own.
Jesus didn't just come to yousave you from your sexual sin.
He came to save you also fromself-hatred and from self-pity.
(29:02):
And the way they get a hold anda grip and on you, and they're
and they're hard to let go of.
You need help getting freedomfrom unwanted sexual behavior.
You also likely need helpgetting rid of your self-hatred
and self-pity.
You know what?
That doesn't make youchronically unique.
It makes you like so many of therest of us of us.
(29:22):
Like I said, many of us slipinto these sneaky patterns in
recovery, and even those whohelp others can sneak into these
patterns.
You are not alone in this, youare not chronically unique.
Um, seek help for these things,seek Jesus for these things.
Jesus knows the trap they are,and he is so, so willing to help
you.
I think here of um some of thecharacters in the Gospels who
(29:45):
had self hatred.
They despised themselves, theydid not think highly of
themselves.
I think here also of some whohad self pity and they thought
they were stuck and there wasnothing they can do, and they
were always going to be thatway.
And Jesus lovingly moved towardsboth of them.
So if you recognize Recognizethese in yourself.
Don't put up with them.
Don't coddle those two things,but also know that Jesus moves
(30:06):
right towards you with them.
So, practically speaking,renounce self-hatred.
In Jesus' name, I renounceself-hatred.
I refuse to hate myself for mystruggles.
Instead, I receive God's loveand mercy.
In the name of Jesus, I renounceself-pity.
I am not inevitably stuck inthis, and my life is not
inevitably worse than everybodyelse.
(30:27):
I am a person among otherpeople.
Yes, I may have some uniqueissues that others don't.
I may not know anyone whostruggles like I do, but God has
gifted me and He loves me, andI'm a member of His body just
like everybody else is.
So I renounce self-pity andinstead I receive God's
compassion and I choose to givemyself compassion as I move
towards Him and wholenessresponsibly.
(30:49):
So, and final thing, brothersand sisters, if you find you're
struggling with these things andyou need some more help, we are
here to help.
We've got individual coaching,we've got groups.
Check out our events page.
We may have some things comingup.
We'd love for you to be a partof those things as well.
God bless you.
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