January 8, 2025 • 25 mins
In this insightful episode of "Celeste, the Therapist," Celeste delves into the topic of grieving relationships. She explains that grief is not limited to the loss of loved ones who have passed away but also encompasses the end of relationships with those who are still living. Celeste discusses the emotional complexities and challenges we face when relationships end and provides practical tools to help listeners navigate through these difficult times. She emphasizes the importance of understanding our emotions and using that awareness to create positive change in our lives. Tune in to gain valuable insights and strategies for shifting the way you think about and cope with relationship grief.
Key Takeaways:
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Grieving relationships extend beyond the death of loved ones.
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Understanding why we feel certain emotions is crucial for personal growth.
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Practical tools and strategies are provided to help cope with the end of relationships.
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Education and awareness are key to creating positive changes in our lives.
Resources Mentioned:
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Email Celeste at info@celestatherapist.com for topic suggestions.
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Follow Celeste on social media @CelesteTheTherapist
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Learn more about Celeste’s wellness center, Shifting the Way You Think, at www.stwyt.com.
Join Celeste as she guides you through the emotional journey of grieving relationships and offers support for those feeling stuck. Don't forget to share this episode with someone you love!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You are now tuned in to Celeste, the therapist podcast. Hello,
my name is Celeste. Thank you so much for giving me a try. If
you are new here, I wanna say thank you so much for checking me
out. What we do here is I talk about
areas of our lives that we get stuck in. I talk
about why we get stuck and I help you shift the way you think
(00:21):
about it by giving you practical tools. I'm all about
using what you have, starting where you can. And I
think a lot of times people tend to give up because they don't
understand why they're feeling the things that they're feeling
or why things are happening. And I find that the more
educated we are about a topic, the better it is
(00:43):
for us to create change in our life. If
you are a long-time listener, thank you so much for sticking it out with
me. I appreciate you. If you enjoy these
episodes that I do, do me a favor, share it with
somebody that you love. If you want a topic discussed, all
you got to do is email me, info at celestatherapist.com. If
(01:04):
you want to follow me, you can follow me everywhere at Celesta Therapist.
Also, I have a whole wellness center that I created called
Shifting the Way You Think. And if you want to learn more
about the wellness center, get involved, attend one of
the classes, all you got to do is go to stwyt.com. Again,
that's www.stwyt.com. All
(01:29):
right, let's get into this amazing episode. Hey,
hi, beautiful people. If you're new here, I
want to just say thank you for checking me out. Today we're
talking about grieving relationships, and I'm not just talking about
relationships of people who are no longer here on earth. I'm
actually talking about relationships of people that are still living. This
(01:52):
is a topic that a lot of people aren't aware is
affecting them. It happens all the time for so many different reasons.
And my goal today is for you to really have a deeper understanding of
what's going on with you in the relationships that may no
longer serve you and why you may be feeling how you're feeling. So,
you know, with these podcasts that I do look at it as if
(02:14):
you are in class and learning something. So I
encourage you to keep a notebook when you listen to the podcast, take
some notes and not let this be the last time you revisit
this kind of thing, especially if it's something that you find yourself
struggling in. I find that around like when people
are on a healing journey, Or when people are in their late 20s,
(02:35):
early 30s, a lot of this stuff tends to come out. And
it happened with me. I did not have anyone to
talk to this about. I didn't even realize what was going on. It just happened. And
when I look back at some of the dynamics of my relationships, I
recognize that I had essentially outgrown people. And
it's not that the people are bad. It's essentially the fact of
(02:57):
the matter is that we don't all grow on the same level. Think
about flowers. You could plant flowers in a garden, and
some are going to grow high. They don't all grow at the same level. Essentially, that's
what happens with relationships when we're with
people. So first, understanding what grieving
is. Grieving, a relationship involves navigating the emotional, cognitive, and
(03:21):
social dimensions of loss. It may include feelings
of longing for the past, questioning one's identity without
the other person, and the challenge of moving forward while still holding on
to memories of the relationships. Ultimately, it's
a personal process that varies from person to person, but
it can lead to self-discovery. And
(03:44):
if you are listening on the audio, this is also available on YouTube. If
you go to CelestiaTherapist.com or just go to YouTube and
type in Celestia Therapist, you'll find this episode on YouTube. where
I provide visuals as I talk because I'm such a visual learner. I
like to provide that for people. So when you think about the idea of
grieving, it's a loss on different dimensions. And
(04:06):
when you look at this wellness world right here, social, emotional, spiritual, intellectual,
physical, environmental, financial, occupational, all these
areas could include some kind of loss of grief That may
happen and not only am I talking about like grieving relationships
of people in your life But it could be grieving the relationship of who
you had with yourself before who you were before Um, so
(04:28):
these things are important to acknowledge because a lot of times we're
suffering Feeling
these things don't have a name for what we're feeling and we don't understand
why we're feeling the way we're feeling change,
right? And I want to help you understand some
(04:48):
reasons why relationships change. So if you look at this
slide, the first one is personal growth, right? So
this is the main one that happens all the time. As we grow, sometimes,
like I said, people will not grow with us. The values that
we may have. Back
(05:08):
in the day, in my early 20s, I enjoyed partying Thursday, Friday,
Saturday, Sunday. still
get done, but I was in the streets. There's
a Friday set. When I have time off, you're going to find me a new
meal, literally like relaxing and feeling amazing.
(05:30):
Not saying there's anything wrong with partying, but for me, that was
a lifestyle that I had and I
no longer had. So let's say as I'm growing and
the people I partied with before, I'm starting to
recognize like, oh, that's not what I want to do, right? And so unfortunately,
sometimes we start to drift away because of that. Maybe they
(05:51):
don't want to learn about cooking. They don't want to read, right? So
our interests and things are going to look different. Life
circumstances are another reason why relationships change.
So major life events such as moving to a new city, changing
jobs, marriage, parenthood can
cause those same
(06:24):
dynamics that kept us there. When people have a
child, I've had people, you know, they'll talk about a
relationship in their life. And I'll know that that person had just had a kid, but
then they'll complain that this person is not hitting them
up like they used to before. And I have to remind them and say, you know, maybe
it has something to do with the fact that they just had a kid, you know? And
(06:44):
so sometimes we may have a type. body
and their circumstance may change. They no longer have the
capacity to entertain us or to be around us the way they
did before. And this is important to keep in mind because
a lot of times what happens, especially if you have abandonment issues,
your mind can interpret that as this person is abandoning you.
(07:19):
Guess what? Sometimes people might be going through some things that you don't realize
is happening. And instead of internalizing it
and taking it personal, it's important to give people grace. And
as they're going through the transition or you're going through a transition, there's
a possibility that the relationship may not be as tight as it was before, right?
So as we're talking about this idea of grieving relationships and
(07:41):
recognizing the status and understanding why
it's changing, It will allow us to not feel so
much hurt inside. Some of that hurt that you may feel from the dynamic
of the relationship changing could be due to some hurt from
your past. And because the feeling is eerily similar,
your system is processing it as if, oh my gosh, look
(08:02):
at what's happening. They're doing it again. And you have this intense pain
about something that you are creating in your mind
off of the feeling that you have. Another
reason why relationships may change is differing value and beliefs. Over
time, people may discover that their core values or
beliefs are not aligned, right? And sometimes
(08:26):
we're with people because we went to grade school together or college, right? We
start getting some assistance with understanding ourself better.
We start understanding what our real values are, you know? We
start to realize the direction we really want to go and Unfortunately,
like sometimes it's not the people in our lives that
are going to be on that same path. And so we have to
(08:48):
be intentional on really recognizing that. Communication issues.
So poor communications can lead to misunderstanding, resentment, and
emotional distance. If individuals are unable to express their
needs, feelings effectively, the relationship may suffer. Unfortunately, this
is happening way too often because guess what? We're not taught about our emotions. This
little feelings chart I have right here that I got from the beam website.
(09:10):
Um, it shows, uh, different emotions,
right? So we are human. We are going to go through emotions and
whether you like it or not, I seen a post that said, Oh my gosh, these emotions suck.
I wish they would just go away. And the more you fight the
fact that you're human and you're going to have emotions, the more you're going to suffer and
feel like life is happening to you. And so if
(09:32):
you are mindful on what's happening, how
you are feeling, you could find yourself not allowing it
to consume you. So when it comes to these communication issues
that we find ourselves struggling with, a lot of times
we are feeling something and we don't know how to articulate it to the
people in our lives, whether it's a partner, a friend, a family
(09:53):
member, right? This happens with a lot of close relationships, especially
intimate relationships. A lot of times we're triggered the most
in those kind of relationships because they're the closest people
to us. And something that they're doing may not
be intentional or about us, but the feeling of some
pain that took place in a previous relationship, whether
(10:14):
another intimate relationship or a friendship or a family dynamic,
unfortunately, we end up putting it onto the other person. And then we're sitting
there holding on to all of these things that may not be true. So
unfortunately, sometimes communication issues
can cause distance in a relationship where you may have to grieve,
(10:35):
right? Another thing is external influences. So
friends, family, and societal expectations can impact relationship.
External pressures or influences may lead individuals to question
their connection or feel compelled to change them. I see this
a lot in family dynamics. where you may have
a family member, a parent that says, oh, I want you to do this, but
(10:56):
you want to do another career, or this is the direction you want to go.
And it's important not to compromise
your values where you want to go in life, because what's
going to happen is you're going to be living with resentment, or
you may be feeling like not connected or just going through
the motions, and that's not how life is supposed to be. So
(11:19):
when it comes to some dynamics of relationships, let's just
stick with family. There may be distance or
some kind of disconnect in the relationship we may have with our
parent because we recognize that they're going to keep putting this
pressure on us. And now I have to change up how often I'm
talking to them or how often I'm visiting them. I still love
(11:40):
this parent. I still love this sibling. I still love this
friend. But the dynamic of our relationship is
going to look different because now I'm going to have to make sure I'm guarding
myself and creating boundaries for myself around this relationship. Emotional
needs is another reason why relationships can change. As
people evolve, their emotional need may change. If one person in the
(12:02):
relationship is unable to meet the other's needs, it can create
feelings of dissatisfaction and lead to a reevaluation
of the relationship. this happens. And
I just want to make a note when it comes to emotional needs, it's
important that, you know, when I got into my relationship, I
feel like I, and this is me looking back, this
(12:24):
is not me in real time saying like, I'm looking for my partner
to complete my needs. But when I look at it, that's essentially what
I was doing. I didn't even understand what I needed, but
here I am looking for my partner to fulfill every need. Um,
so that's important to understand. So you need to make sure
you're have awareness and understanding of what your needs are
(12:45):
and articulating to people in your life. Right. That's
important. Um, a lot of times when I'm working with people and
I was, you know, they'll, they'll make this comment about. a partner or
a friend. And I'll say, well, what is it that you need? And a
lot of times they're not able to answer that question. I wasn't able to answer that
question in my adult life, right? Because I just
(13:06):
felt all these things, but I didn't have words or language to put towards
it. conflict and resentment ongoing conflicts
or unresolved issues can create a buildup of resentment, making
it difficult for the relationship to thrive. If conflicts
are not addressed, they can lead to a breakdown in
the relationship so sometimes conflicts happen right it's life. And
(13:30):
sometimes we're able to get through the conflict, sometimes we're not. Sometimes so
much time has passed where maybe we get through it, but the
dynamic of the relationship is looking different. It's no longer the same.
And that's okay. It's going to be hard, but it's going to be okay. Life
changes, life stages, different life stages can
bring out changes in relationships. For example, friendship formed during
(13:53):
school may change as individuals enter the workforce to start families. So
essentially this is what I discussed earlier around, you
know, you may grow up with somebody and we were so close growing up, but
now, you know, it looks different. We may went to church together. We may went to dance together.
We may party together, right? Things look different. So that's
something to keep in mind. The last thing I want to say about reasons
(14:15):
why relationships change is loss of interest. Sometimes
individuals may simply lose interest in the relationship. This
can happen in a romantic friendship or even family
connections leading to a natural drifting apart. This happens,
you know, sometimes you get with somebody in a relationship when you were younger and
you start to understand yourself better. Maybe you guys didn't grow
(14:37):
together and you're recognizing that this is
not something that I want to be in anymore. That's a hard
reality to say, but it's the truth.
This could happen in friendships, right? We went to college together.
We had classes. We studied. We was doing it.
And then as I'm getting older, I'm recognizing that
(15:00):
I don't want to talk about all my trauma in the past or
just relationships. I want to do more. I'm evolving. So those
are some reasons why relationships may change. Another
thing I want to add to is like when
it comes to people's mental health. Sometimes
people may develop major mental health issues like schizophrenia.
(15:24):
Sometimes people may end up with dementia. So
there are different things or substance use, right? Where
maybe you had a sibling or a parent that was there and then now
they're struggling with substance abuse. They're struggling with bipolar disorder that's
untreated or schizophrenia. And you don't see that
person the way you've seen them before. That's a
(15:45):
loss, right? That's something that you have to
grieve. because it's not something you have control over
and circumstances may not change. And so
these are relationships of people that are still on earth and
you may not realize like, oh my gosh, I'm grieving. Now
let's just talk about the stages of grief. I love this diagram because, and
(16:07):
so for people that are listening, one diagram shows the stage
and kind of this linear pattern of denial, anger,
depression, bargaining, and acceptance. And the other
part has it all over the place, like scribbling, anger, depression.
You can go from one to the other. The second example of
the little scribbling thing that I just shared
(16:30):
is what it really looks like. As you recognize
the dynamics of your relationship that have changed, you
may go through a range of emotions. Everybody's process is different. Some
people may be like, you know what? This relationship doesn't work, and I'm OK with
it. So it's not that people always are going to grieve certain
types of relationships. When I switched, when
(16:52):
I was at a per diem job where there was a lot of internal systemic
racism, and I left to start my
wellness center, I didn't grieve the loss of that job.
So there are certain dynamics where when
you leave you may find yourself not feeling grief
and that's okay too, right? Everybody's different. There
(17:14):
may be friendships that you had and you like went you
went through some hard times with them and you're like yeah I'm all set. I know
I don't want to be in this situation with them no more, you may find
yourself not feeling like any grief. And I'm not saying that
as you're changing your relationships with people that
you have to grieve, but I'm sharing this content for
(17:35):
people that may be in a grieving state and not recognizing
what's going on. And also, it's good to recognize what's going on
because there may be some dynamics of relationships that you're in that
no longer serve you, but it feels hard. You feel this loss that
is very complicated. And if you understand
what's going on, it'll allow you to keep moving forward despite
(17:58):
the complication of emotions that you may be feeling about the situation.
Now let's end this with talking about coping, right?
It's important for me to understand, educate
people about what may be going on, but it's equally important for
me to give people like tools and tips to help them get through
the process so that you can feel empowered. Like I want to
(18:21):
give people things that they can think of doing right now, which is why I
say, grab that notebook, grab that pen, take notes, go
back to these notes so that you can feel like you're
equipped to deal with the things that are going on in your life today. So
when it comes to coping, I want you to first acknowledge your
feelings, right? Allowing yourself to feel and
(18:42):
express your emotions. It's so important. Seeking
support is important. So sometimes as you're grieving some
of these relationships, you could talk about it with a coach,
a therapist, a friend, not in a gossipy way. Don't
go there talking in a gossipy way. Just have
a session where you're talking about change and
(19:05):
growth. So when I say seek support,
It's not about gossiping, it's not about bashing, but it's about
having a safe space to talk about how you're feeling. Setting
boundaries. If you're going to work on coping with the dynamic of
the relationship, and when I think about some of these dynamics, I
think about some situations you may be in where you may be dealing
(19:27):
with a partner that Maybe you want more
from this partner, and they don't want that. And you may be
compromising some things that you're doing. You've got to set boundaries
with these people in your life, right? Because sometimes
you set boundaries, and they can adhere to your boundaries, and the relationship will
be fine. But you can't be upset with
(19:49):
somebody pushing beyond boundaries that you
never set, right? Those boundaries that you're going to set are
there for you. They're there to make sure you're okay. They're
there to honor your values. They're there to honor
the things that you said you want to do. So setting boundaries in a
relationship is going to cause some pain, but it's so necessary to
do. Engaging in self-care, right? Physical,
(20:13):
emotional, mental self-care is important as
you're working on trying to grieve. Why not work on
taking care of yourself in the process? This is something that should be a lifelong thing.
But if you pour that energy into yourself, it'd be really helpful.
Reflecting on the relationship. So taking time
to acknowledge what the relationship meant. There
(20:36):
are times when I'm working with people and I'm talking about grieving and
their relationship and I'm saying, it wasn't like it was all bad, right?
It's okay to acknowledge the positive. It's okay to recognize that, you
know what, there are complicated emotions that
are coming up because this person helped me get into college or
this person helped me with X, Y, and Z. And unfortunately,
(20:57):
a lot of times you will see, oh, this person helped me get into college.
They're no good for me now. But you feel like you owe them. But you
don't owe them compromising your values or what you
feel or not being able to grow in a direction you want to grow. So it's
OK to acknowledge the positive aspects that took place in the life. And
it's OK to recognize this is really hard and it
(21:18):
feels complicated for me. Creating new connections can
be helpful, right? Some of my closest people
in my life, friends, I met in my 30s, right? So
I had to grieve a lot of relationships as
I grew, but being able to make connections with
people, it's not the same. quantity, but the quality
(21:41):
is different. The quality is like reciprocated and
it's reciprocal. So focus on building the relationships. It's
going to be huge. Practicing mindfulness. These
emotions are so complicated that I
don't want you to feel like, oh my God, this sucks and just pretend it's not
happening. I need you to honor what is and
(22:03):
what's going on, but you can't do that if you don't make time to be still. Making
time to be still in general, we're talking about grieving relationships, but
in general, making time to be still is one
of the best things you can do for yourself. Let's
go into this quick advertisement and I'll come back with the last three. I hope
you're enjoying the episode. Quick announcement. I wanna give
(22:25):
you some ways you can support, right? I have two books. One is
called Relationship Goals. It's a guide to a healthy relationship. I
also have a guided journal. And if you find yourself stuck
in thoughts, wanna get your thoughts on paper, I ask you different
questions and I also ask you how you're feeling. I provide you
with the feelings chart. If you go to celestatherapist.com, you
(22:47):
could find 365 days of intentional living along
with relationship goals. Another way you could support me,
I have this wellness center that I'm so excited about
called Shifting the Way You Think Wellness Center. At my center, I
do not want finances to be a reason why people can't get what
they need. So if you wanna donate a class to someone, please
(23:09):
feel free to go to my website, stwyt.com, and
you can give a donation. The classes run between 15 and
$35. My goal is for everyone to be able
to access these services regardless of finances. So
if you can donate, please donate to your Girl Center. I
(23:30):
would be greatly appreciated. All right, y'all, let's get back
into this amazing episode. All
right, now let's go over the last couple of things I want you
to think about as you're trying to cope. Seeking
professional help, that's important, but engaging in
creative expression. A lot of times we are
(23:51):
very, we can be creative music, arts world, right? If
you start to engage, sometimes people, you don't want to talk, you don't want to talk to a therapist
and that's okay, right? I know people push therapy, therapy, but
some people have been harmed by therapy. Some people can't find a therapist. they
can't afford a therapist. So there are other ways and
some people are better at showing their emotion
(24:13):
through arts. So if that is you, be okay
with engaging in some of the arts that can help. And
the last thing as you're coping, I want you to focus on your
personal growth. You use this time to develop like
your goals, develop the direction you want to go, right? That's
so important. I really hope this episode was
(24:35):
helpful, right? I want you to remember that
everybody's going to grow in different directions
when it comes to grief. Everybody's grief is going to look different,
right? Don't put a timetable on it and say, well,
why is this coming up again? It could have been two years since you've talked to an
old friend. And then you have this little feeling in your stomach or
(24:57):
your heart and it feels good. He's like, oh my
gosh. It's complicated. It's mixed.
But when those emotions come up, I need you
to grab an emotion chart. You can Google
emotional will. And start naming your emotions. When
you can name your emotions, they won't take over you the way they do. So
(25:20):
if you enjoyed this episode, y'all know the drill. Share it with somebody that you
love. If you want to follow me, follow me everywhere by searching Celesta Therapist.
Don't forget, I have a wellness center. And I'm constantly adding
events that the center is hosting. And there's also events
that other people are hosting that are open to the public. And
at the center, the stuff that's going to be there, as you can see
(25:42):
on YouTube, if you're watching, um, different things around social wellness,
emotional, spiritual, intellectual, physical, environmental, financial, right.
I want to have, um, different, uh, social, I'm
going to start creating new, uh, social wellness
events where you can come together and create art, watch
a movie, right? Just to get together something outside of
(26:04):
just going to the club and drinking and partying, right?
Um, I want people to be able to establish meaningful connections. Um,
so thank you all so much for rocking out with me. Uh,
and don't forget to follow me on all social media platforms and
You are now tuned in to Celeste, the therapist podcast. Hello,
my name is Celeste. Thank you so much for giving me a try. If
you are new here, I wanna say thank you so much for checking me
out. What we do here is I talk about
areas of our lives that we get stuck in. I talk
about why we get stuck and I help you shift the way you think
(00:21):
about it by giving you practical tools. I'm all about
using what you have, starting where you can. And I
think a lot of times people tend to give up because they don't
understand why they're feeling the things that they're feeling
or why things are happening. And I find that the more
educated we are about a topic, the better it is
(00:43):
for us to create change in our life. If
you are a long-time listener, thank you so much for sticking it out with
me. I appreciate you. If you enjoy these
episodes that I do, do me a favor, share it with
somebody that you love. If you want a topic discussed, all
you got to do is email me, info at celestatherapist.com. If
(01:04):
you want to follow me, you can follow me everywhere at Celesta Therapist.
Also, I have a whole wellness center that I created called
Shifting the Way You Think. And if you want to learn more
about the wellness center, get involved, attend one of
the classes, all you got to do is go to stwyt.com. Again,
that's www.stwyt.com. All
(01:29):
right, let's get into this amazing episode. Hey,
hi, beautiful people. If you're new here, I
want to just say thank you for checking me out. Today we're
talking about grieving relationships, and I'm not just talking about
relationships of people who are no longer here on earth. I'm
actually talking about relationships of people that are still living. This
(01:52):
is a topic that a lot of people aren't aware is
affecting them. It happens all the time for so many different reasons.
And my goal today is for you to really have a deeper understanding of
what's going on with you in the relationships that may no
longer serve you and why you may be feeling how you're feeling. So,
you know, with these podcasts that I do look at it as if
(02:14):
you are in class and learning something. So I
encourage you to keep a notebook when you listen to the podcast, take
some notes and not let this be the last time you revisit
this kind of thing, especially if it's something that you find yourself
struggling in. I find that around like when people
are on a healing journey, Or when people are in their late 20s,
(02:35):
early 30s, a lot of this stuff tends to come out. And
it happened with me. I did not have anyone to
talk to this about. I didn't even realize what was going on. It just happened. And
when I look back at some of the dynamics of my relationships, I
recognize that I had essentially outgrown people. And
it's not that the people are bad. It's essentially the fact of
(02:57):
the matter is that we don't all grow on the same level. Think
about flowers. You could plant flowers in a garden, and
some are going to grow high. They don't all grow at the same level. Essentially, that's
what happens with relationships when we're with
people. So first, understanding what grieving
is. Grieving, a relationship involves navigating the emotional, cognitive, and
(03:21):
social dimensions of loss. It may include feelings
of longing for the past, questioning one's identity without
the other person, and the challenge of moving forward while still holding on
to memories of the relationships. Ultimately, it's
a personal process that varies from person to person, but
it can lead to self-discovery. And
(03:44):
if you are listening on the audio, this is also available on YouTube. If
you go to CelestiaTherapist.com or just go to YouTube and
type in Celestia Therapist, you'll find this episode on YouTube. where
I provide visuals as I talk because I'm such a visual learner. I
like to provide that for people. So when you think about the idea of
grieving, it's a loss on different dimensions. And
(04:06):
when you look at this wellness world right here, social, emotional, spiritual, intellectual,
physical, environmental, financial, occupational, all these
areas could include some kind of loss of grief That may
happen and not only am I talking about like grieving relationships
of people in your life But it could be grieving the relationship of who
you had with yourself before who you were before Um, so
(04:28):
these things are important to acknowledge because a lot of times we're
suffering Feeling
these things don't have a name for what we're feeling and we don't understand
why we're feeling the way we're feeling change,
right? And I want to help you understand some
(04:48):
reasons why relationships change. So if you look at this
slide, the first one is personal growth, right? So
this is the main one that happens all the time. As we grow, sometimes,
like I said, people will not grow with us. The values that
we may have. Back
(05:08):
in the day, in my early 20s, I enjoyed partying Thursday, Friday,
Saturday, Sunday. still
get done, but I was in the streets. There's
a Friday set. When I have time off, you're going to find me a new
meal, literally like relaxing and feeling amazing.
(05:30):
Not saying there's anything wrong with partying, but for me, that was
a lifestyle that I had and I
no longer had. So let's say as I'm growing and
the people I partied with before, I'm starting to
recognize like, oh, that's not what I want to do, right? And so unfortunately,
sometimes we start to drift away because of that. Maybe they
(05:51):
don't want to learn about cooking. They don't want to read, right? So
our interests and things are going to look different. Life
circumstances are another reason why relationships change.
So major life events such as moving to a new city, changing
jobs, marriage, parenthood can
cause those same
(06:24):
dynamics that kept us there. When people have a
child, I've had people, you know, they'll talk about a
relationship in their life. And I'll know that that person had just had a kid, but
then they'll complain that this person is not hitting them
up like they used to before. And I have to remind them and say, you know, maybe
it has something to do with the fact that they just had a kid, you know? And
(06:44):
so sometimes we may have a type. body
and their circumstance may change. They no longer have the
capacity to entertain us or to be around us the way they
did before. And this is important to keep in mind because
a lot of times what happens, especially if you have abandonment issues,
your mind can interpret that as this person is abandoning you.
(07:19):
Guess what? Sometimes people might be going through some things that you don't realize
is happening. And instead of internalizing it
and taking it personal, it's important to give people grace. And
as they're going through the transition or you're going through a transition, there's
a possibility that the relationship may not be as tight as it was before, right?
So as we're talking about this idea of grieving relationships and
(07:41):
recognizing the status and understanding why
it's changing, It will allow us to not feel so
much hurt inside. Some of that hurt that you may feel from the dynamic
of the relationship changing could be due to some hurt from
your past. And because the feeling is eerily similar,
your system is processing it as if, oh my gosh, look
(08:02):
at what's happening. They're doing it again. And you have this intense pain
about something that you are creating in your mind
off of the feeling that you have. Another
reason why relationships may change is differing value and beliefs. Over
time, people may discover that their core values or
beliefs are not aligned, right? And sometimes
(08:26):
we're with people because we went to grade school together or college, right? We
start getting some assistance with understanding ourself better.
We start understanding what our real values are, you know? We
start to realize the direction we really want to go and Unfortunately,
like sometimes it's not the people in our lives that
are going to be on that same path. And so we have to
(08:48):
be intentional on really recognizing that. Communication issues.
So poor communications can lead to misunderstanding, resentment, and
emotional distance. If individuals are unable to express their
needs, feelings effectively, the relationship may suffer. Unfortunately, this
is happening way too often because guess what? We're not taught about our emotions. This
little feelings chart I have right here that I got from the beam website.
(09:10):
Um, it shows, uh, different emotions,
right? So we are human. We are going to go through emotions and
whether you like it or not, I seen a post that said, Oh my gosh, these emotions suck.
I wish they would just go away. And the more you fight the
fact that you're human and you're going to have emotions, the more you're going to suffer and
feel like life is happening to you. And so if
(09:32):
you are mindful on what's happening, how
you are feeling, you could find yourself not allowing it
to consume you. So when it comes to these communication issues
that we find ourselves struggling with, a lot of times
we are feeling something and we don't know how to articulate it to the
people in our lives, whether it's a partner, a friend, a family
(09:53):
member, right? This happens with a lot of close relationships, especially
intimate relationships. A lot of times we're triggered the most
in those kind of relationships because they're the closest people
to us. And something that they're doing may not
be intentional or about us, but the feeling of some
pain that took place in a previous relationship, whether
(10:14):
another intimate relationship or a friendship or a family dynamic,
unfortunately, we end up putting it onto the other person. And then we're sitting
there holding on to all of these things that may not be true. So
unfortunately, sometimes communication issues
can cause distance in a relationship where you may have to grieve,
(10:35):
right? Another thing is external influences. So
friends, family, and societal expectations can impact relationship.
External pressures or influences may lead individuals to question
their connection or feel compelled to change them. I see this
a lot in family dynamics. where you may have
a family member, a parent that says, oh, I want you to do this, but
(10:56):
you want to do another career, or this is the direction you want to go.
And it's important not to compromise
your values where you want to go in life, because what's
going to happen is you're going to be living with resentment, or
you may be feeling like not connected or just going through
the motions, and that's not how life is supposed to be. So
(11:19):
when it comes to some dynamics of relationships, let's just
stick with family. There may be distance or
some kind of disconnect in the relationship we may have with our
parent because we recognize that they're going to keep putting this
pressure on us. And now I have to change up how often I'm
talking to them or how often I'm visiting them. I still love
(11:40):
this parent. I still love this sibling. I still love this
friend. But the dynamic of our relationship is
going to look different because now I'm going to have to make sure I'm guarding
myself and creating boundaries for myself around this relationship. Emotional
needs is another reason why relationships can change. As
people evolve, their emotional need may change. If one person in the
(12:02):
relationship is unable to meet the other's needs, it can create
feelings of dissatisfaction and lead to a reevaluation
of the relationship. this happens. And
I just want to make a note when it comes to emotional needs, it's
important that, you know, when I got into my relationship, I
feel like I, and this is me looking back, this
(12:24):
is not me in real time saying like, I'm looking for my partner
to complete my needs. But when I look at it, that's essentially what
I was doing. I didn't even understand what I needed, but
here I am looking for my partner to fulfill every need. Um,
so that's important to understand. So you need to make sure
you're have awareness and understanding of what your needs are
(12:45):
and articulating to people in your life. Right. That's
important. Um, a lot of times when I'm working with people and
I was, you know, they'll, they'll make this comment about. a partner or
a friend. And I'll say, well, what is it that you need? And a
lot of times they're not able to answer that question. I wasn't able to answer that
question in my adult life, right? Because I just
(13:06):
felt all these things, but I didn't have words or language to put towards
it. conflict and resentment ongoing conflicts
or unresolved issues can create a buildup of resentment, making
it difficult for the relationship to thrive. If conflicts
are not addressed, they can lead to a breakdown in
the relationship so sometimes conflicts happen right it's life. And
(13:30):
sometimes we're able to get through the conflict, sometimes we're not. Sometimes so
much time has passed where maybe we get through it, but the
dynamic of the relationship is looking different. It's no longer the same.
And that's okay. It's going to be hard, but it's going to be okay. Life
changes, life stages, different life stages can
bring out changes in relationships. For example, friendship formed during
(13:53):
school may change as individuals enter the workforce to start families. So
essentially this is what I discussed earlier around, you
know, you may grow up with somebody and we were so close growing up, but
now, you know, it looks different. We may went to church together. We may went to dance together.
We may party together, right? Things look different. So that's
something to keep in mind. The last thing I want to say about reasons
(14:15):
why relationships change is loss of interest. Sometimes
individuals may simply lose interest in the relationship. This
can happen in a romantic friendship or even family
connections leading to a natural drifting apart. This happens,
you know, sometimes you get with somebody in a relationship when you were younger and
you start to understand yourself better. Maybe you guys didn't grow
(14:37):
together and you're recognizing that this is
not something that I want to be in anymore. That's a hard
reality to say, but it's the truth.
This could happen in friendships, right? We went to college together.
We had classes. We studied. We was doing it.
And then as I'm getting older, I'm recognizing that
(15:00):
I don't want to talk about all my trauma in the past or
just relationships. I want to do more. I'm evolving. So those
are some reasons why relationships may change. Another
thing I want to add to is like when
it comes to people's mental health. Sometimes
people may develop major mental health issues like schizophrenia.
(15:24):
Sometimes people may end up with dementia. So
there are different things or substance use, right? Where
maybe you had a sibling or a parent that was there and then now
they're struggling with substance abuse. They're struggling with bipolar disorder that's
untreated or schizophrenia. And you don't see that
person the way you've seen them before. That's a
(15:45):
loss, right? That's something that you have to
grieve. because it's not something you have control over
and circumstances may not change. And so
these are relationships of people that are still on earth and
you may not realize like, oh my gosh, I'm grieving. Now
let's just talk about the stages of grief. I love this diagram because, and
(16:07):
so for people that are listening, one diagram shows the stage
and kind of this linear pattern of denial, anger,
depression, bargaining, and acceptance. And the other
part has it all over the place, like scribbling, anger, depression.
You can go from one to the other. The second example of
the little scribbling thing that I just shared
(16:30):
is what it really looks like. As you recognize
the dynamics of your relationship that have changed, you
may go through a range of emotions. Everybody's process is different. Some
people may be like, you know what? This relationship doesn't work, and I'm OK with
it. So it's not that people always are going to grieve certain
types of relationships. When I switched, when
(16:52):
I was at a per diem job where there was a lot of internal systemic
racism, and I left to start my
wellness center, I didn't grieve the loss of that job.
So there are certain dynamics where when
you leave you may find yourself not feeling grief
and that's okay too, right? Everybody's different. There
(17:14):
may be friendships that you had and you like went you
went through some hard times with them and you're like yeah I'm all set. I know
I don't want to be in this situation with them no more, you may find
yourself not feeling like any grief. And I'm not saying that
as you're changing your relationships with people that
you have to grieve, but I'm sharing this content for
(17:35):
people that may be in a grieving state and not recognizing
what's going on. And also, it's good to recognize what's going on
because there may be some dynamics of relationships that you're in that
no longer serve you, but it feels hard. You feel this loss that
is very complicated. And if you understand
what's going on, it'll allow you to keep moving forward despite
(17:58):
the complication of emotions that you may be feeling about the situation.
Now let's end this with talking about coping, right?
It's important for me to understand, educate
people about what may be going on, but it's equally important for
me to give people like tools and tips to help them get through
the process so that you can feel empowered. Like I want to
(18:21):
give people things that they can think of doing right now, which is why I
say, grab that notebook, grab that pen, take notes, go
back to these notes so that you can feel like you're
equipped to deal with the things that are going on in your life today. So
when it comes to coping, I want you to first acknowledge your
feelings, right? Allowing yourself to feel and
(18:42):
express your emotions. It's so important. Seeking
support is important. So sometimes as you're grieving some
of these relationships, you could talk about it with a coach,
a therapist, a friend, not in a gossipy way. Don't
go there talking in a gossipy way. Just have
a session where you're talking about change and
(19:05):
growth. So when I say seek support,
It's not about gossiping, it's not about bashing, but it's about
having a safe space to talk about how you're feeling. Setting
boundaries. If you're going to work on coping with the dynamic of
the relationship, and when I think about some of these dynamics, I
think about some situations you may be in where you may be dealing
(19:27):
with a partner that Maybe you want more
from this partner, and they don't want that. And you may be
compromising some things that you're doing. You've got to set boundaries
with these people in your life, right? Because sometimes
you set boundaries, and they can adhere to your boundaries, and the relationship will
be fine. But you can't be upset with
(19:49):
somebody pushing beyond boundaries that you
never set, right? Those boundaries that you're going to set are
there for you. They're there to make sure you're okay. They're
there to honor your values. They're there to honor
the things that you said you want to do. So setting boundaries in a
relationship is going to cause some pain, but it's so necessary to
do. Engaging in self-care, right? Physical,
(20:13):
emotional, mental self-care is important as
you're working on trying to grieve. Why not work on
taking care of yourself in the process? This is something that should be a lifelong thing.
But if you pour that energy into yourself, it'd be really helpful.
Reflecting on the relationship. So taking time
to acknowledge what the relationship meant. There
(20:36):
are times when I'm working with people and I'm talking about grieving and
their relationship and I'm saying, it wasn't like it was all bad, right?
It's okay to acknowledge the positive. It's okay to recognize that, you
know what, there are complicated emotions that
are coming up because this person helped me get into college or
this person helped me with X, Y, and Z. And unfortunately,
(20:57):
a lot of times you will see, oh, this person helped me get into college.
They're no good for me now. But you feel like you owe them. But you
don't owe them compromising your values or what you
feel or not being able to grow in a direction you want to grow. So it's
OK to acknowledge the positive aspects that took place in the life. And
it's OK to recognize this is really hard and it
(21:18):
feels complicated for me. Creating new connections can
be helpful, right? Some of my closest people
in my life, friends, I met in my 30s, right? So
I had to grieve a lot of relationships as
I grew, but being able to make connections with
people, it's not the same. quantity, but the quality
(21:41):
is different. The quality is like reciprocated and
it's reciprocal. So focus on building the relationships. It's
going to be huge. Practicing mindfulness. These
emotions are so complicated that I
don't want you to feel like, oh my God, this sucks and just pretend it's not
happening. I need you to honor what is and
(22:03):
what's going on, but you can't do that if you don't make time to be still. Making
time to be still in general, we're talking about grieving relationships, but
in general, making time to be still is one
of the best things you can do for yourself. Let's
go into this quick advertisement and I'll come back with the last three. I hope
you're enjoying the episode. Quick announcement. I wanna give
(22:25):
you some ways you can support, right? I have two books. One is
called Relationship Goals. It's a guide to a healthy relationship. I
also have a guided journal. And if you find yourself stuck
in thoughts, wanna get your thoughts on paper, I ask you different
questions and I also ask you how you're feeling. I provide you
with the feelings chart. If you go to celestatherapist.com, you
(22:47):
could find 365 days of intentional living along
with relationship goals. Another way you could support me,
I have this wellness center that I'm so excited about
called Shifting the Way You Think Wellness Center. At my center, I
do not want finances to be a reason why people can't get what
they need. So if you wanna donate a class to someone, please
(23:09):
feel free to go to my website, stwyt.com, and
you can give a donation. The classes run between 15 and
$35. My goal is for everyone to be able
to access these services regardless of finances. So
if you can donate, please donate to your Girl Center. I
(23:30):
would be greatly appreciated. All right, y'all, let's get back
into this amazing episode. All
right, now let's go over the last couple of things I want you
to think about as you're trying to cope. Seeking
professional help, that's important, but engaging in
creative expression. A lot of times we are
(23:51):
very, we can be creative music, arts world, right? If
you start to engage, sometimes people, you don't want to talk, you don't want to talk to a therapist
and that's okay, right? I know people push therapy, therapy, but
some people have been harmed by therapy. Some people can't find a therapist. they
can't afford a therapist. So there are other ways and
some people are better at showing their emotion
(24:13):
through arts. So if that is you, be okay
with engaging in some of the arts that can help. And
the last thing as you're coping, I want you to focus on your
personal growth. You use this time to develop like
your goals, develop the direction you want to go, right? That's
so important. I really hope this episode was
(24:35):
helpful, right? I want you to remember that
everybody's going to grow in different directions
when it comes to grief. Everybody's grief is going to look different,
right? Don't put a timetable on it and say, well,
why is this coming up again? It could have been two years since you've talked to an
old friend. And then you have this little feeling in your stomach or
(24:57):
your heart and it feels good. He's like, oh my
gosh. It's complicated. It's mixed.
But when those emotions come up, I need you
to grab an emotion chart. You can Google
emotional will. And start naming your emotions. When
you can name your emotions, they won't take over you the way they do. So
(25:20):
if you enjoyed this episode, y'all know the drill. Share it with somebody that you
love. If you want to follow me, follow me everywhere by searching Celesta Therapist.
Don't forget, I have a wellness center. And I'm constantly adding
events that the center is hosting. And there's also events
that other people are hosting that are open to the public. And
at the center, the stuff that's going to be there, as you can see
(25:42):
on YouTube, if you're watching, um, different things around social wellness,
emotional, spiritual, intellectual, physical, environmental, financial, right.
I want to have, um, different, uh, social, I'm
going to start creating new, uh, social wellness
events where you can come together and create art, watch
a movie, right? Just to get together something outside of
(26:04):
just going to the club and drinking and partying, right?
Um, I want people to be able to establish meaningful connections. Um,
so thank you all so much for rocking out with me. Uh,
and don't forget to follow me on all social media platforms and
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