August 28, 2025 • 27 mins
In this episode of the Celeste Therapist Podcast, Celeste, a therapist from Boston, continues her five-part series on healing the inner child. If you haven't listened to Episode 1, "Healing the Inner Child," it's suggested to start there for context and continuity. The series aims to help
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Episode Transcript
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(00:02):
Hey, thank you all so much for joining another episode of Celesta Therapist
Podcast. My name is Celesta. I'm a therapist from Boston and
I come on to talk about different things that we go through
and help you think about ways to process it. Now this is
episode two out of five, right? So if
you are coming in on this episode and you haven't seen
(00:24):
episode one, which is healing the inner child, I
suggest you go there. So I'm doing a five part series where
I am talking about the inner child and I'm breaking it down and
I'm giving homework assignments. So head
on over to episode one of this series so
that you can hear that one first.
(00:47):
And I will make sure to put the link for this into the show notes. So
you did your homework assignment. If you didn't, it's okay, right? You had
the option to do a journaling prompt or a visualization of
what your childhood looked like. So that's gonna be
important, right? And again, This journey that we're going on
is a lifelong journey. And the
(01:08):
goal behind this journey is to help you understand
yourself better, right? There's a book called What Happened to
You. I read it. It was Oprah Winfrey and a psychiatrist. I
think his name is Bruce Perry. But they
go through different scenarios and they talk about different
things that go on in children's lives and how they affect them as an adult,
(01:30):
right? So a lot of times people just feel
like this is just how they are, not understanding how
their childhood has impacted who they are as an
adult. And today we're going to talk about exploring childhood experiences
and how they impact us as an adult. This
may feel heavy, right? A heavy topic. It's
(01:51):
okay, right? Remember, like I said in the first episode, it's
okay if you have to take a break. It's okay if it feels too much. You
know, this is a podcast. It's streaming on YouTube and
it's on all podcasts and platforms. The beauty of this
platform is that you can come to it at any point. It
doesn't have to happen or you're going to lose it, right? So
(02:14):
today we're going to discuss exploring childhood experiences and
their impact. So we're
learning about how our experiences shape our beliefs as adults,
right? And learning why this is crucial for healing
your inner child, right? Again, this
is a topic that is so important to me because Understanding
(02:36):
my childhood trauma and how it affects so much of
my life has allowed me to heal, has allowed me
to create peace in my life. It doesn't mean
that I'm never triggered, it doesn't mean that life doesn't happen, but
I feel like I have the tools to deal with the things that come up for me
in my life. So let's start with formative
(02:57):
experiences, right? And if you know me, I'm a very visual
learner. So if you want to head over to youtube.com, you can get the visuals
for this. But these are experiences and periods of life that have significant and
lasting influences on your character and your attitude.
So the impact, right? So there are some impactful things that shape
and can mold you. So major life events, so
(03:19):
like if a parent passes away as a child, or
a challenging journey can require you maturing faster and
having more independence. Or, you know, some people have
been parentified, right? The parent may have struggled
with mental health issues or substance use issues or wasn't there, and
they had to become the parent, right? They never really had a childhood, right? So
(03:41):
that experience of their parent or caregiver not
being able to provide for them cause them
to kind of become more of an adult quicker, right?
And so maybe as an adult, you're more independent, you struggle with
asking for help, because getting help in life as a
child was not something that you had access
(04:02):
to, right? Now, another
example, right? Growing up in a supportive family can
foster resilience and a positive outlook on
life, right? So it's important for me as I talk about the inner child
stuff, I do want to acknowledge that they have been some good experiences that
people have had, right? Some negative struggles, right?
(04:24):
Experiencing abuse, neglect, or abandonment can lead to long-lasting
mental health issues, right? Again, in these formative years
on, you know, as we are growing up, even
culturally, right? Sometimes some cultural norms
can create some systems within us.
For example, let's say, like I know in
(04:47):
like Haitian culture, you know, women are
kind of expected to have a child, take care of their partner, take
care of the house, and maybe that's not something
that you want, right? But you're struggling because you're
in a situation that you don't really want to be in. So some
of those foundational things that have taken place growing
(05:07):
up in a in a Haitian household where there's these
cultural norms, one might not say like that, how
could that have harmed me? It's not necessarily like specifically that
harming you, but kind of like it's creating a psyche about
you, an identity that may conflict with what you want, right?
So those are just some examples. So
(05:31):
how are formative experiences carried into
adulthood, right? Cause that's something we talked about what the formative experiences
are. And this is an important for me to kind of like talk about
because even on my first session with people and,
um, we'll go through kind of their history. So I'm always like checking
in about somebody's history about, um, what's going on
(05:53):
in the now. And, um, What happens is,
I'll help people make some connections on what's going on in the now and what's
happened in the past. And people will say things like, yeah, but
that was 20 years ago, right? And so there's this
disconnect where we don't understand that just because something
happened 20 years ago doesn't mean that 20 years later, we're
(06:14):
not affected by it, right? It's important to remember that your experiences
will always be a part of who you are, whether you choose to
acknowledge it or not. Because if you're not consciously acknowledging it,
some of your behaviors are acknowledging it, the way your body is
responding to the stress that's on your body, the choices that
you're making or not making for your life, right? There are ways that
(06:36):
the thing that You're not choosing to deal with how
it's going to show up in your life, right? And I'm hoping through these
five sessions that I'm doing on this podcast, you
allow yourself to really reflect and think about your life
and how this content plays a role in
your life. So some of the ways that formative
(06:58):
experiences are carried into adulthood. So there's this emotional residue,
right? These emotions are things we cannot see. So
the inner child carries unprocessed emotions such as feelings of abandonment, rejection
from childhood into adulthood. It
happens all the time, right? I personally struggle with
abandonment issues, right? So in my relationship, I
(07:19):
would have these moments of feeling abandoned. And
until I was able to work on myself, you wasn't telling me anything
other than what I was feeling. Those feelings felt true. I didn't even have language
to identify what I was feeling, but my responses, was
clear that there was this abandonment going on, right? So there's
emotional residue that can track, right,
(07:43):
up 20 years later where you could be a whole adult and
you have these like childlike responses because what's
happening is your inner child is coming up in those moments where you
may feel fear, but you're trying to
figure out why am I responding so heavily, right?
Why am I doing this? Why am I in this cycle? Another
(08:05):
way it's carried is our belief system, right? So I
just talked about this, but core beliefs formed during your formative period, such
as feelings of unworthy due to neglect continue to influence adult
behavior and self-perception. Behavioral patterns. This
is important. Listen up, people. You may unconsciously repeat
patterns from your formative years. For example, avoiding conflict
(08:26):
to stay small. In your childhood, if
things came up or if you had a parent that may
have been not consistent, they had a bad
day, they come home and all hell breaks loose. You
learn, I'm not going to say nothing. I don't want the conflict. Maybe
I need to speak up and I need something, but I'm not going to ask for what I need because I
(08:48):
don't know what I'm going to get when I speak up. So, for example,
avoiding conflict to stay small and not upset others, a strategy used
in a conflict-ridden childhood can persist in adulthood. So
what happens is you go through that as a child,
you become an adult, and you're at work and
you're working with a coworker. You're working on a group project. You're
(09:10):
the only one doing the group project. You're not speaking up. And
so the coworker is thinking like, oh, yeah, Celeste got this. When
in fact, I'm pissed off that you're not helping me with this project, but I'm
also not speaking up because I don't want no conflict. The
person that my counterpart may not even have done anything
to make me believe that they would be upset or
(09:31):
come at me, right? But because of my own stuff, I'm
suffering in silence and I'm doing this group project
by myself and it's coming out really well.
And then me and my counterpart are both getting credit for something that
I've done. and I am very resentful towards that person,
right? So that's a prime example on how
(09:55):
something where you've avoided conflict as a child can
translate into something that can happen as an adult, right? And
the last thing, which is so huge, something I personally
have struggled with, and I work with a lot of
people on this, and I like relationships are my thing. I love talking
about relationships. So, relationship dynamics. So,
(10:17):
wounds to the inner child can lead adults to form relationships that echo past
experiences, such as seeking a parental figure and
a partner, or entering a relationship that lacks emotional availability.
And what's crazy is, especially the last part, lacks
emotional availability, you are yearning for that emotional
connection, but then you engage with a
(10:39):
partner that does not provide that, may not have the capacity to
provide that, and you're attracted to
that, and you're trying to figure out, why am I so drawn to this person? when
this is not what I want. I wish logic and emotion would match
up. I just wish it would make life so much easier for so many of us,
but it doesn't, right? Being with somebody that is emotionally available
(11:01):
to you may feel hard. It's crazy. I know,
right? It's so crazy, but because you're not used to
an emotional available person, right? So we're using an example of somebody
who may have had a caregiver who was not emotionally there for them. And
so they find themselves in these cycles of relationships with
partners that are not available because it's very familiar to
(11:23):
you, right? So just because it's familiar to
you doesn't mean that it's good, right? And
if you're not mindful, you'll find yourself in this cycle all
the time. I'll give you an example. So my start in
my career was at a homeless shelter. And I remember this guy, he was in
there for like 10, 15 years. And housing
(11:44):
would come up, he would decline it. He just got used to being
at the shelter, leaving during the day, no matter
cold, never had a problem with this dude. Leave when it was time to
leave, came back, no issues. And so finally, somehow
they got him into the bed. They got him an apartment and
he decided to go. And he gave up the
(12:05):
apartment because it was so unfamiliar. somebody
like me, I think I would
prefer to be in an apartment versus being in a shelter
on bump beds, but this was very familiar
to this person and so that's the route that they chose, right?
And so when it comes to something that
(12:29):
is very hard that we experienced in life,
You'll be surprised that some of your patterns are
reflecting the pain that you've been in, not
because you consciously want to be in it, but because you haven't processed
this stuff and it's going to show up in your behavior and
your choices that you're choosing to make, right? And this is
(12:51):
an aha moment for a lot of people when I work with them and I share this.
They are very shocked and it's like, okay, it makes sense. So when people talk about
their patterns, people be like, how do you work with adults? And it's
so easy for me because I realized nobody grows up and says, hey,
I want to be in an abusive relationship. Hey, I want to struggle with my
finances. Hey, I want to struggle with my kids. Nobody grows
(13:11):
up that way, but there are so many things that go on
in our lives and it goes unchecked, right? The
next thing I wanna share is the impact of trauma neglect. So
trauma is an overwhelming event or experience
that an individual cannot process, leading to a disruption in
their ability to cope, which can negatively impact
(13:35):
your emotional regulation, relationships, and self-worth. You
and I can be in a car accident and I can come
out and I'll be like, ooh, that was crazy, right? And kept it moving. No intrusive
thoughts, nothing, right? You, on the other hand, same
car accident, right? But you, on the other
hand, may find yourself
(13:55):
struggling with sleep, struggling with a
lot of trauma behind what happened because the
way you processed it was different than the way I
processed it, right? And
sometimes, and most times, trauma
that we've experienced in childhood a lot of times has
(14:16):
gone unprocessed. So what's happening is
just calculating in our mind It's
calculating in our mind, and it's becoming a part of
our psyche and a part of our identity, and we don't recognize it.
Another example I'll give you, if
you are at a movie theater, there's a scary scene that comes on. Bam,
(14:40):
the scary scene's over, you're going back to life, right? Now
let's use that scary scene as an event that happened to you. The
event happens, Life goes on, but
what's happening with your mind is that event feels like it's happening over
and over again when it goes unprocessed, right? So scary
how it happens. I've said this before on the podcast, but
(15:04):
humans are the only people that can create stress hormones,
a cortisol level spike. We create all of this activity
with just how we think about things. So you don't even have
to be in the middle of a traumatic situation and your system
can feel that way, right? It's so scary to
(15:25):
think about. And I recognize that a lot of times we struggle because
of this. So what constitutes trauma?
So trauma is not just a stressful event, but one that's too overwhelming for
you to process. So there's abuse and violence, right? Sexual, emotional,
domestic and neglect. There
(15:45):
are sudden catastrophic events, right? A violent assault, serious
accident, death of a loved one, long-term adversity. So
childhood neglect, ongoing abuse, unstable living environments, right?
I think about people who I've met that have like, grew
up in another island came here at like 12 or 13 and Whole
new environment whole new language just everything and I was like that's
(16:08):
traumatic like right people don't even recognize like their first time
in the u.s Was a traumatic thing especially because a
lot of times They nobody talked to them about what was gonna
happen when they came here or that they were coming here They just knew they was on their
island next thing. You know, they was here in America and it's cold, right?
So, you know a lot of times Things have
(16:30):
happened and it doesn't make your caregiver a bad person
Right when I talk about this stuff. I have this book called adult children
of emotional I'm gonna put it in
the I'll put it in the chat. I mean, I'll put
it in the show notes, but adult children of
emotionally immature parents and a lot of times when
(16:51):
I talk about this stuff and And people be like, no, my
parent, blah, blah, blah, it was good. And it's not talking bad
about your parent, but let's face it, some of our parents lived
in survival mode, so they didn't have the capacity or the wherewithal to
know how to be there for us emotionally or how to recognize
signs that was happening in our lives, right? I
(17:12):
feel so grateful that I have the capacity and the knowledge to be
able to understand what's going on and articulate that and work with
my children. I always tell people being a mom
is one of the hardest jobs for me because there's
a lot of ways that I break in cycles in my family.
And so I'm the first to do it. So
(17:34):
it's a lot harder. So sometimes I'll second guess
myself. I'm grateful that I have a partner that I can
talk to about this when it comes up. Because
being a parent, you're dealing with healing your inner
child while trying to parent your children, right? And
it's hard. I have a lot of empathy for parents. So me
(17:55):
and you kind of talking about this with yourself and understanding
some of the ways that things have happened is not
to like shame or talk bad about that person, your parent
or caregiver, but it's just to have a better understanding on what's
going on. And so neglect, right? So childhood neglect
is the persistent failure of a caregiver to meet a child's basic physical
(18:18):
or emotional needs. While often less visible
than physical abuse, neglect is the most common form of
child maltreatment. It can have equally, if not severe developmental consequences.
So we know about kind of like the physical abuse and
emotional and sexual, but neglect is something that we're not,
you know, it's like, okay, so physical neglect, so failure
(18:40):
to provide adequate food, clothing, or shelter, or supervision. Let's
say your parent had to work all the time. Let's say, your
parent struggled with putting food on the table doesn't
make your parent a bad person but there was some neglect there and it
wasn't like your parents fault a lot of times so sometimes
people grew up in situations where their parent may have been a single parent their other
(19:03):
parent left right and things changed in the household that literally
happened with me and It's important
to understand like yes, there was neglect neglect and abuse are two
different things But it's important to understand
that for yourself so you can understand oh I'm
struggling with this because there was a lot of neglect because my parent
(19:24):
didn't have the capacity to do that or they didn't have the means to do that
and Look at everything that's happening in the world now, where they're trying
to change food stamps, where they're trying to just change Section 8. There's
going to be kids that are going to be neglected, not because their
parent doesn't love them, but because of the way that
the society is being shaken up. Emotional
(19:45):
neglect is huge. A lot of adults I work with
talk about this, right? And again, a
lot of our parents grew up in survival mode. They don't
even know how they're feeling. They're just trying to get through the day. So they damn
sure wasn't asking you how you're feeling or how your
day went. I know some people who may have gotten bullied in school and the parents
(20:06):
like, oh, just ignore it, right? And not recognizing the ramifications
it has on their child's psyche, right?
We're talking about things we can't see, so it's really hard to
conceptualize it for people that haven't even done it for themselves.
So it's important to understand like, oh, those moments that
maybe I had those hard experiences, not having somebody to
(20:29):
talk to or validate my experience has created this
system or psyche inside of me that's created these
abandonment issues that I have now as an adult, right? And
then there's medical neglect and educational neglect. So failure to
provide proper medical, dental and mental care or educational, failure
to provide school age children with education. And
(20:51):
again, these things could happen because of numerous reasons. So
understanding what's happening is different than blame. There's no,
it's not saying, oh my God, we're not pointing fingers, we're just understanding
ourselves, okay? So as you're listening to this, it's not about blame,
it's about understanding. Um, okay,
(21:12):
so... We talked
about trauma. Okay. Now we get
to the self-reflection, right? Because we're at the end
of this episode and we have talked
about a lot of heavy things, right? And so again, there's two weeks in
between. And again, even though the next episode is going to drop two
(21:32):
weeks later, it doesn't mean you have to listen to it right away.
But I do want you to reflect and then I'm going to give you some homework.
So I want you to take a moment to think about your own experiences, even
as you're listening to this, right? What are some significant memories that
stick out for you? How do these memories
influence your current beliefs and behaviors? And
(21:57):
then are there patterns in your relationship that stem from
your childhood experiences? So now that you've kind of learned
a little bit about some of the ways that our formative years
has affected us, some of the ways that neglect or
trauma may have sit in our system, are
there things that you can point to that
(22:18):
you can say kind of has affected
you in some kind of way and how it
may Look like in your relationship, right? So
those are some things I want you to reflect on your homework assignment again
You can make this part of your homework assignment. I
Want you to write about a childhood memory
(22:40):
and how it makes you feel today, right? There's like four
different things you can do. If you want to do all of them, that's fine. But
write about a positive childhood memory and how it makes you feel today,
right? That's good. Because yes, there has been pain in life, but there has
been some good experiences. And if you know me, you
know I'm going to, I want to like, let's gravitate towards that. Let's talk about
(23:02):
that too, right? Let's create some balance in some of the ways that
we're thinking. Reflect on a challenging experience and how
it shaped your beliefs on yourself. And
again, we're on YouTube. So if you want to read this out, like look at it,
you can identify any recurring patterns in your
adult life that you believe stem from your childhood. Another
(23:24):
great thing to do is creating a timeline of significant
childhood events and noting their impact in current beliefs and
behavior. So this is something that I do with my clients. You
know, get a timeline and I actually like the first session I'm like
emailing them the content on what they
said so they can see what they said and have
(23:47):
a better understanding and look at it and be like, oh, snap. Right.
So that's a powerful thing you can do is this timeline piece.
I just want to remind you that this process can be an emotional process,
but an important step towards healing. The reason why it's
important is because if you lean into
the hard things, the things that you don't want to talk about, it's no longer
(24:10):
going to control you. Does there have to be a timeline in
how you do these things? No, there's not. But
I do want you to think about how this can help you, but
I also want you to be aware of your capacity. If you're
working with a therapist, this is great to bring to your therapy session. If
you're not working with anybody and it's too much, put it down. It's okay.
(24:30):
You can always come back to it, right? So
what's next, right? We still got three more episodes in this
series. So in two weeks, we're gonna
be talking about recognizing and nurturing your inner child. And
then after that, we'll be talking about healing techniques and strategies. And
then our last session in the series will be about moving
(24:53):
forward and integrating the inner child. Again,
I want to give this thing a lifeline
if you find yourself struggling, 988-LIFELINE. You
can call, text, or chat. It's confidential, judgment-free.
Then there's also texting home to 741-741. You
(25:17):
can connect with the crisis counselor. Obviously, if you have a
therapist, great way to do it. If it's an emergency, obviously, 911. Go
to the emergency room. But a lot of times people
are struggling, not where they feel like they need to go to the emergency
room, not that they're going to harm themselves, but they just need somebody to
talk to. And so these are really good lines for you to
(25:40):
utilize. And if you want to find me, find me by
searching Celeste, the therapist. You can find me on all social media platforms. You
can also find my wellness center. I have a wellness center called Shifting the Way
You Think, because, you know, if we work on shifting our thought process,
we can actually find ourselves feeling different, feeling better.
(26:00):
And then my website is stwyt.com. That's
stwyt.com. You can visit me
online and check out some of my classes. And you can also
follow me on all social media platforms at
stwyt.com. Alright beautiful people. Um,
thank you so much for rocking with me and on this series I'm
(26:23):
excited about bringing this content to you because it's an important.
It's been an important part of my healing process and so
Let me know what you think. You can always email me at Celeste V at
stwy t.com Until next time
Hey, thank you all so much for joining another episode of Celesta Therapist
Podcast. My name is Celesta. I'm a therapist from Boston and
I come on to talk about different things that we go through
and help you think about ways to process it. Now this is
episode two out of five, right? So if
you are coming in on this episode and you haven't seen
(00:24):
episode one, which is healing the inner child, I
suggest you go there. So I'm doing a five part series where
I am talking about the inner child and I'm breaking it down and
I'm giving homework assignments. So head
on over to episode one of this series so
that you can hear that one first.
(00:47):
And I will make sure to put the link for this into the show notes. So
you did your homework assignment. If you didn't, it's okay, right? You had
the option to do a journaling prompt or a visualization of
what your childhood looked like. So that's gonna be
important, right? And again, This journey that we're going on
is a lifelong journey. And the
(01:08):
goal behind this journey is to help you understand
yourself better, right? There's a book called What Happened to
You. I read it. It was Oprah Winfrey and a psychiatrist. I
think his name is Bruce Perry. But they
go through different scenarios and they talk about different
things that go on in children's lives and how they affect them as an adult,
(01:30):
right? So a lot of times people just feel
like this is just how they are, not understanding how
their childhood has impacted who they are as an
adult. And today we're going to talk about exploring childhood experiences
and how they impact us as an adult. This
may feel heavy, right? A heavy topic. It's
(01:51):
okay, right? Remember, like I said in the first episode, it's
okay if you have to take a break. It's okay if it feels too much. You
know, this is a podcast. It's streaming on YouTube and
it's on all podcasts and platforms. The beauty of this
platform is that you can come to it at any point. It
doesn't have to happen or you're going to lose it, right? So
(02:14):
today we're going to discuss exploring childhood experiences and
their impact. So we're
learning about how our experiences shape our beliefs as adults,
right? And learning why this is crucial for healing
your inner child, right? Again, this
is a topic that is so important to me because Understanding
(02:36):
my childhood trauma and how it affects so much of
my life has allowed me to heal, has allowed me
to create peace in my life. It doesn't mean
that I'm never triggered, it doesn't mean that life doesn't happen, but
I feel like I have the tools to deal with the things that come up for me
in my life. So let's start with formative
(02:57):
experiences, right? And if you know me, I'm a very visual
learner. So if you want to head over to youtube.com, you can get the visuals
for this. But these are experiences and periods of life that have significant and
lasting influences on your character and your attitude.
So the impact, right? So there are some impactful things that shape
and can mold you. So major life events, so
(03:19):
like if a parent passes away as a child, or
a challenging journey can require you maturing faster and
having more independence. Or, you know, some people have
been parentified, right? The parent may have struggled
with mental health issues or substance use issues or wasn't there, and
they had to become the parent, right? They never really had a childhood, right? So
(03:41):
that experience of their parent or caregiver not
being able to provide for them cause them
to kind of become more of an adult quicker, right?
And so maybe as an adult, you're more independent, you struggle with
asking for help, because getting help in life as a
child was not something that you had access
(04:02):
to, right? Now, another
example, right? Growing up in a supportive family can
foster resilience and a positive outlook on
life, right? So it's important for me as I talk about the inner child
stuff, I do want to acknowledge that they have been some good experiences that
people have had, right? Some negative struggles, right?
(04:24):
Experiencing abuse, neglect, or abandonment can lead to long-lasting
mental health issues, right? Again, in these formative years
on, you know, as we are growing up, even
culturally, right? Sometimes some cultural norms
can create some systems within us.
For example, let's say, like I know in
(04:47):
like Haitian culture, you know, women are
kind of expected to have a child, take care of their partner, take
care of the house, and maybe that's not something
that you want, right? But you're struggling because you're
in a situation that you don't really want to be in. So some
of those foundational things that have taken place growing
(05:07):
up in a in a Haitian household where there's these
cultural norms, one might not say like that, how
could that have harmed me? It's not necessarily like specifically that
harming you, but kind of like it's creating a psyche about
you, an identity that may conflict with what you want, right?
So those are just some examples. So
(05:31):
how are formative experiences carried into
adulthood, right? Cause that's something we talked about what the formative experiences
are. And this is an important for me to kind of like talk about
because even on my first session with people and,
um, we'll go through kind of their history. So I'm always like checking
in about somebody's history about, um, what's going on
(05:53):
in the now. And, um, What happens is,
I'll help people make some connections on what's going on in the now and what's
happened in the past. And people will say things like, yeah, but
that was 20 years ago, right? And so there's this
disconnect where we don't understand that just because something
happened 20 years ago doesn't mean that 20 years later, we're
(06:14):
not affected by it, right? It's important to remember that your experiences
will always be a part of who you are, whether you choose to
acknowledge it or not. Because if you're not consciously acknowledging it,
some of your behaviors are acknowledging it, the way your body is
responding to the stress that's on your body, the choices that
you're making or not making for your life, right? There are ways that
(06:36):
the thing that You're not choosing to deal with how
it's going to show up in your life, right? And I'm hoping through these
five sessions that I'm doing on this podcast, you
allow yourself to really reflect and think about your life
and how this content plays a role in
your life. So some of the ways that formative
(06:58):
experiences are carried into adulthood. So there's this emotional residue,
right? These emotions are things we cannot see. So
the inner child carries unprocessed emotions such as feelings of abandonment, rejection
from childhood into adulthood. It
happens all the time, right? I personally struggle with
abandonment issues, right? So in my relationship, I
(07:19):
would have these moments of feeling abandoned. And
until I was able to work on myself, you wasn't telling me anything
other than what I was feeling. Those feelings felt true. I didn't even have language
to identify what I was feeling, but my responses, was
clear that there was this abandonment going on, right? So there's
emotional residue that can track, right,
(07:43):
up 20 years later where you could be a whole adult and
you have these like childlike responses because what's
happening is your inner child is coming up in those moments where you
may feel fear, but you're trying to
figure out why am I responding so heavily, right?
Why am I doing this? Why am I in this cycle? Another
(08:05):
way it's carried is our belief system, right? So I
just talked about this, but core beliefs formed during your formative period, such
as feelings of unworthy due to neglect continue to influence adult
behavior and self-perception. Behavioral patterns. This
is important. Listen up, people. You may unconsciously repeat
patterns from your formative years. For example, avoiding conflict
(08:26):
to stay small. In your childhood, if
things came up or if you had a parent that may
have been not consistent, they had a bad
day, they come home and all hell breaks loose. You
learn, I'm not going to say nothing. I don't want the conflict. Maybe
I need to speak up and I need something, but I'm not going to ask for what I need because I
(08:48):
don't know what I'm going to get when I speak up. So, for example,
avoiding conflict to stay small and not upset others, a strategy used
in a conflict-ridden childhood can persist in adulthood. So
what happens is you go through that as a child,
you become an adult, and you're at work and
you're working with a coworker. You're working on a group project. You're
(09:10):
the only one doing the group project. You're not speaking up. And
so the coworker is thinking like, oh, yeah, Celeste got this. When
in fact, I'm pissed off that you're not helping me with this project, but I'm
also not speaking up because I don't want no conflict. The
person that my counterpart may not even have done anything
to make me believe that they would be upset or
(09:31):
come at me, right? But because of my own stuff, I'm
suffering in silence and I'm doing this group project
by myself and it's coming out really well.
And then me and my counterpart are both getting credit for something that
I've done. and I am very resentful towards that person,
right? So that's a prime example on how
(09:55):
something where you've avoided conflict as a child can
translate into something that can happen as an adult, right? And
the last thing, which is so huge, something I personally
have struggled with, and I work with a lot of
people on this, and I like relationships are my thing. I love talking
about relationships. So, relationship dynamics. So,
(10:17):
wounds to the inner child can lead adults to form relationships that echo past
experiences, such as seeking a parental figure and
a partner, or entering a relationship that lacks emotional availability.
And what's crazy is, especially the last part, lacks
emotional availability, you are yearning for that emotional
connection, but then you engage with a
(10:39):
partner that does not provide that, may not have the capacity to
provide that, and you're attracted to
that, and you're trying to figure out, why am I so drawn to this person? when
this is not what I want. I wish logic and emotion would match
up. I just wish it would make life so much easier for so many of us,
but it doesn't, right? Being with somebody that is emotionally available
(11:01):
to you may feel hard. It's crazy. I know,
right? It's so crazy, but because you're not used to
an emotional available person, right? So we're using an example of somebody
who may have had a caregiver who was not emotionally there for them. And
so they find themselves in these cycles of relationships with
partners that are not available because it's very familiar to
(11:23):
you, right? So just because it's familiar to
you doesn't mean that it's good, right? And
if you're not mindful, you'll find yourself in this cycle all
the time. I'll give you an example. So my start in
my career was at a homeless shelter. And I remember this guy, he was in
there for like 10, 15 years. And housing
(11:44):
would come up, he would decline it. He just got used to being
at the shelter, leaving during the day, no matter
cold, never had a problem with this dude. Leave when it was time to
leave, came back, no issues. And so finally, somehow
they got him into the bed. They got him an apartment and
he decided to go. And he gave up the
(12:05):
apartment because it was so unfamiliar. somebody
like me, I think I would
prefer to be in an apartment versus being in a shelter
on bump beds, but this was very familiar
to this person and so that's the route that they chose, right?
And so when it comes to something that
(12:29):
is very hard that we experienced in life,
You'll be surprised that some of your patterns are
reflecting the pain that you've been in, not
because you consciously want to be in it, but because you haven't processed
this stuff and it's going to show up in your behavior and
your choices that you're choosing to make, right? And this is
(12:51):
an aha moment for a lot of people when I work with them and I share this.
They are very shocked and it's like, okay, it makes sense. So when people talk about
their patterns, people be like, how do you work with adults? And it's
so easy for me because I realized nobody grows up and says, hey,
I want to be in an abusive relationship. Hey, I want to struggle with my
finances. Hey, I want to struggle with my kids. Nobody grows
(13:11):
up that way, but there are so many things that go on
in our lives and it goes unchecked, right? The
next thing I wanna share is the impact of trauma neglect. So
trauma is an overwhelming event or experience
that an individual cannot process, leading to a disruption in
their ability to cope, which can negatively impact
(13:35):
your emotional regulation, relationships, and self-worth. You
and I can be in a car accident and I can come
out and I'll be like, ooh, that was crazy, right? And kept it moving. No intrusive
thoughts, nothing, right? You, on the other hand, same
car accident, right? But you, on the other
hand, may find yourself
(13:55):
struggling with sleep, struggling with a
lot of trauma behind what happened because the
way you processed it was different than the way I
processed it, right? And
sometimes, and most times, trauma
that we've experienced in childhood a lot of times has
(14:16):
gone unprocessed. So what's happening is
just calculating in our mind It's
calculating in our mind, and it's becoming a part of
our psyche and a part of our identity, and we don't recognize it.
Another example I'll give you, if
you are at a movie theater, there's a scary scene that comes on. Bam,
(14:40):
the scary scene's over, you're going back to life, right? Now
let's use that scary scene as an event that happened to you. The
event happens, Life goes on, but
what's happening with your mind is that event feels like it's happening over
and over again when it goes unprocessed, right? So scary
how it happens. I've said this before on the podcast, but
(15:04):
humans are the only people that can create stress hormones,
a cortisol level spike. We create all of this activity
with just how we think about things. So you don't even have
to be in the middle of a traumatic situation and your system
can feel that way, right? It's so scary to
(15:25):
think about. And I recognize that a lot of times we struggle because
of this. So what constitutes trauma?
So trauma is not just a stressful event, but one that's too overwhelming for
you to process. So there's abuse and violence, right? Sexual, emotional,
domestic and neglect. There
(15:45):
are sudden catastrophic events, right? A violent assault, serious
accident, death of a loved one, long-term adversity. So
childhood neglect, ongoing abuse, unstable living environments, right?
I think about people who I've met that have like, grew
up in another island came here at like 12 or 13 and Whole
new environment whole new language just everything and I was like that's
(16:08):
traumatic like right people don't even recognize like their first time
in the u.s Was a traumatic thing especially because a
lot of times They nobody talked to them about what was gonna
happen when they came here or that they were coming here They just knew they was on their
island next thing. You know, they was here in America and it's cold, right?
So, you know a lot of times Things have
(16:30):
happened and it doesn't make your caregiver a bad person
Right when I talk about this stuff. I have this book called adult children
of emotional I'm gonna put it in
the I'll put it in the chat. I mean, I'll put
it in the show notes, but adult children of
emotionally immature parents and a lot of times when
(16:51):
I talk about this stuff and And people be like, no, my
parent, blah, blah, blah, it was good. And it's not talking bad
about your parent, but let's face it, some of our parents lived
in survival mode, so they didn't have the capacity or the wherewithal to
know how to be there for us emotionally or how to recognize
signs that was happening in our lives, right? I
(17:12):
feel so grateful that I have the capacity and the knowledge to be
able to understand what's going on and articulate that and work with
my children. I always tell people being a mom
is one of the hardest jobs for me because there's
a lot of ways that I break in cycles in my family.
And so I'm the first to do it. So
(17:34):
it's a lot harder. So sometimes I'll second guess
myself. I'm grateful that I have a partner that I can
talk to about this when it comes up. Because
being a parent, you're dealing with healing your inner
child while trying to parent your children, right? And
it's hard. I have a lot of empathy for parents. So me
(17:55):
and you kind of talking about this with yourself and understanding
some of the ways that things have happened is not
to like shame or talk bad about that person, your parent
or caregiver, but it's just to have a better understanding on what's
going on. And so neglect, right? So childhood neglect
is the persistent failure of a caregiver to meet a child's basic physical
(18:18):
or emotional needs. While often less visible
than physical abuse, neglect is the most common form of
child maltreatment. It can have equally, if not severe developmental consequences.
So we know about kind of like the physical abuse and
emotional and sexual, but neglect is something that we're not,
you know, it's like, okay, so physical neglect, so failure
(18:40):
to provide adequate food, clothing, or shelter, or supervision. Let's
say your parent had to work all the time. Let's say, your
parent struggled with putting food on the table doesn't
make your parent a bad person but there was some neglect there and it
wasn't like your parents fault a lot of times so sometimes
people grew up in situations where their parent may have been a single parent their other
(19:03):
parent left right and things changed in the household that literally
happened with me and It's important
to understand like yes, there was neglect neglect and abuse are two
different things But it's important to understand
that for yourself so you can understand oh I'm
struggling with this because there was a lot of neglect because my parent
(19:24):
didn't have the capacity to do that or they didn't have the means to do that
and Look at everything that's happening in the world now, where they're trying
to change food stamps, where they're trying to just change Section 8. There's
going to be kids that are going to be neglected, not because their
parent doesn't love them, but because of the way that
the society is being shaken up. Emotional
(19:45):
neglect is huge. A lot of adults I work with
talk about this, right? And again, a
lot of our parents grew up in survival mode. They don't
even know how they're feeling. They're just trying to get through the day. So they damn
sure wasn't asking you how you're feeling or how your
day went. I know some people who may have gotten bullied in school and the parents
(20:06):
like, oh, just ignore it, right? And not recognizing the ramifications
it has on their child's psyche, right?
We're talking about things we can't see, so it's really hard to
conceptualize it for people that haven't even done it for themselves.
So it's important to understand like, oh, those moments that
maybe I had those hard experiences, not having somebody to
(20:29):
talk to or validate my experience has created this
system or psyche inside of me that's created these
abandonment issues that I have now as an adult, right? And
then there's medical neglect and educational neglect. So failure to
provide proper medical, dental and mental care or educational, failure
to provide school age children with education. And
(20:51):
again, these things could happen because of numerous reasons. So
understanding what's happening is different than blame. There's no,
it's not saying, oh my God, we're not pointing fingers, we're just understanding
ourselves, okay? So as you're listening to this, it's not about blame,
it's about understanding. Um, okay,
(21:12):
so... We talked
about trauma. Okay. Now we get
to the self-reflection, right? Because we're at the end
of this episode and we have talked
about a lot of heavy things, right? And so again, there's two weeks in
between. And again, even though the next episode is going to drop two
(21:32):
weeks later, it doesn't mean you have to listen to it right away.
But I do want you to reflect and then I'm going to give you some homework.
So I want you to take a moment to think about your own experiences, even
as you're listening to this, right? What are some significant memories that
stick out for you? How do these memories
influence your current beliefs and behaviors? And
(21:57):
then are there patterns in your relationship that stem from
your childhood experiences? So now that you've kind of learned
a little bit about some of the ways that our formative years
has affected us, some of the ways that neglect or
trauma may have sit in our system, are
there things that you can point to that
(22:18):
you can say kind of has affected
you in some kind of way and how it
may Look like in your relationship, right? So
those are some things I want you to reflect on your homework assignment again
You can make this part of your homework assignment. I
Want you to write about a childhood memory
(22:40):
and how it makes you feel today, right? There's like four
different things you can do. If you want to do all of them, that's fine. But
write about a positive childhood memory and how it makes you feel today,
right? That's good. Because yes, there has been pain in life, but there has
been some good experiences. And if you know me, you
know I'm going to, I want to like, let's gravitate towards that. Let's talk about
(23:02):
that too, right? Let's create some balance in some of the ways that
we're thinking. Reflect on a challenging experience and how
it shaped your beliefs on yourself. And
again, we're on YouTube. So if you want to read this out, like look at it,
you can identify any recurring patterns in your
adult life that you believe stem from your childhood. Another
(23:24):
great thing to do is creating a timeline of significant
childhood events and noting their impact in current beliefs and
behavior. So this is something that I do with my clients. You
know, get a timeline and I actually like the first session I'm like
emailing them the content on what they
said so they can see what they said and have
(23:47):
a better understanding and look at it and be like, oh, snap. Right.
So that's a powerful thing you can do is this timeline piece.
I just want to remind you that this process can be an emotional process,
but an important step towards healing. The reason why it's
important is because if you lean into
the hard things, the things that you don't want to talk about, it's no longer
(24:10):
going to control you. Does there have to be a timeline in
how you do these things? No, there's not. But
I do want you to think about how this can help you, but
I also want you to be aware of your capacity. If you're
working with a therapist, this is great to bring to your therapy session. If
you're not working with anybody and it's too much, put it down. It's okay.
(24:30):
You can always come back to it, right? So
what's next, right? We still got three more episodes in this
series. So in two weeks, we're gonna
be talking about recognizing and nurturing your inner child. And
then after that, we'll be talking about healing techniques and strategies. And
then our last session in the series will be about moving
(24:53):
forward and integrating the inner child. Again,
I want to give this thing a lifeline
if you find yourself struggling, 988-LIFELINE. You
can call, text, or chat. It's confidential, judgment-free.
Then there's also texting home to 741-741. You
(25:17):
can connect with the crisis counselor. Obviously, if you have a
therapist, great way to do it. If it's an emergency, obviously, 911. Go
to the emergency room. But a lot of times people
are struggling, not where they feel like they need to go to the emergency
room, not that they're going to harm themselves, but they just need somebody to
talk to. And so these are really good lines for you to
(25:40):
utilize. And if you want to find me, find me by
searching Celeste, the therapist. You can find me on all social media platforms. You
can also find my wellness center. I have a wellness center called Shifting the Way
You Think, because, you know, if we work on shifting our thought process,
we can actually find ourselves feeling different, feeling better.
(26:00):
And then my website is stwyt.com. That's
stwyt.com. You can visit me
online and check out some of my classes. And you can also
follow me on all social media platforms at
stwyt.com. Alright beautiful people. Um,
thank you so much for rocking with me and on this series I'm
(26:23):
excited about bringing this content to you because it's an important.
It's been an important part of my healing process and so
Let me know what you think. You can always email me at Celeste V at
stwy t.com Until next time
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