CA081: Self-love

‘Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.’ William Shakespeare, Henry V

Last week we were celebrating love and Valentines, which inevitably led to thoughts of romance and different types of love.

But despite a lot of talk of love everywhere – from card shops to films to books and the media – we see evidence of a lack of love all around us.  That lack of love is not only evident in the terrible things we hear on the news, but also in something closer to home.  And that’s the love we have for ourselves – or self-love.

What is self-love?

What are we talking about when we talk about self-love or loving yourself?

A good place to start is by saying what it’s not.

It’s not about being selfish or self-centred – even though it’s easy to jump to this conclusion when we talk about loving ourselves.

And it’s not about showing off or having an over-inflated ego or sense of self.

Nor is self-love about being narcissistic. In fact narcissism is the opposite of self-love because we’re seeking approval of ourselves, as this quote from Emily Levine illustrates:

‘I am a recovering narcissist. I thought narcissism was about self-love till someone told me there is a flip side to it. It is actually drearier than self-love; it is unrequited self-love’. Emily Levine

So that’s what it’s not – but what is it?

Self-love is about our ability to deal with and cater to our own needs and desires. It’s about having a healthy view and sense of our self.

It’s tied up with our sense of self-esteem, self-worth and confidence in ourselves.

Yet how often we don’t love and respect ourselves.

6 ways we don’t love ourselves

What does it look like when we don’t love ourselves?  Here are 6 tell tell signs to look out for, clues that indicate you’re not being loving towards yourself.

1. Negative and derogatory self-talk

This is the inner dialogue that goes on in our mind. For example:

I  can’t or I couldn’t do that

I’ve never been any good at…

Why would they want to hear what I’ve got to say…

They wont be interested in me

 I’m not clever enough to…

Stupid man …. Why am I so silly or stupid (one of Julian’s favourites)

I feel disappointed in myself that….(one of Kathryn’s favourites!)

2. Being Critical and impatient

It’s not just what we say to ourselves but also what we say out loud and in front of others, including when we put ourselves down in front of others.

This is where you’re critical of  yourself e.g. ‘why can’t I do that’, or where you’re impatient with yourself for getting something wrong or with how long it’s taking you to get something right. 

Think about when we’re learning something new.  It might be a new or complicated skill like playing a musical instrument, so of course we’re not going to pick it up straight away. But still we somehow think we should be able to do it much quicker than we realistically can.

We’re impatient, as if it’s some defect or lack in us that’s the cause of our slowness. We get frustrated or even angry - when really it’s our expectations that are unrealistic.

The same goes for when it takes long time to do a task or our work.  Impatience or criticism creeps in and we question why we can’t focus more or why’s it taking so long to get it done.

These are the signs of being hard on yourself that we both recognise only too well!

3. We don’t look after ourselves

One of the classic signs of a lack of self-love is w