450: Resentment ever Rational? What causes Anger? How to Deal with Criticism

450: ASK DAVID, Featuring Dr. Matthew May

"All About Anger"

Is resentment ever rational or logical?

Are perceptions of injustice always present when people feel angry?

What’s the best way to respond to an angry criticism?

The following answers were written prior to the show. Tune in for the in-depth, live discussions of these cool questions.

1. Mark asks: Is RESENTMENT ever RATIONAL? Is there any rational, logical reason to hold a grudge?

 Hey David:

I often have interesting thoughts at night – especially after consuming gummies or cannabis cookies before bed!

Of course, it’s logical to learn from experiences and refuse to trust or give more money, time, labor, loan possessions, and so forth to someone that screwed us over.  We don’t ever want to be deceived, ripped off, etc., multiple ties, but beyond self-protective behaviors and assertiveness, is there ANY logical, rational reason to hold a grudge or maintain resentment?

David’s reply:

Thanks

Rationality is not one of the strong cards in dealing with any form of anger. Motivational interventions are usually more effective, at least initially. That’s because when we’re angry we usually WANT to feel angry and we won’t take kindly to anyone telling us that our thoughts are WRONG!

David

2. Mark asks: Are perceptions of injustice always present when people feel ANGRY?

It seems to me that there is almost always some self-talk related to feeling unjustly treated – whether road rage, marital/couple conflicts, etc.

I am eager to hear your thoughts/feel free to use any of this in your writings, podcast, blogs, etc.

David’s reply:

Yes, most if not all, feelings of anger are associated with thoughts of injustice, unfair behavior and similar kinds of thoughts.

3. Rhonda’s 5-Secrets question.

In the course of a conversation that I was having with a colleague of mine (not a TEAM therapist), she told me that she felt I was criticizing her. I immediately went into a 5-Secrets frame of mind and tried to disarm her…saying, “Well you are right, I am feeling critical.”  I also used the other 5 steps except I did not offer any stroking because I was not feeling very positive toward her.

She said, “Then if you are being critical of me now, you must be critical of me ALL the time.”

How would you respond to that?

Thank you!

Rhonda

David’s response

We role-played this in real time, and discussed the power and challenge of genuine disarming, and illustrated it.

Matt, Rhonda, and David thank you for joining us today, and hope you enjoyed the dialogue!