472: You're Right! Featuring Dr. Brandon Vance

You're Right!
A Deep Dive on the Disarming Technique

Featuring Dr. Brandon Vance

On today's podcast, we will be practicing the Disarming Technique and illustrate the Law of Opposites, using real examples with lots of potential for learning. We feature our good friend and esteemed colleague, Brandon Vance, MD, who is an advanced TEAM therapist.

Starting on November 5, Brandon will be offering a 6-week course on a Deep Dive Five Secrets Practice Group, meeting weekly from 12 to1:30, until December 10^th. This course is strongly recommended for anyone who wants to learn and master the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. To learn more, you can 

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Our goals for today's podcast will be to illustrate how to disarm, with role play examples, of any number of very challenging examples. Once we have done role reversals and developed a good or excellent response to the criticism, we will try to point out two things important for teaching the Disarming Technique.

1. The Law of Opposite: Here it is: When you humbly find the real truth in the criticism, even if it sounds exaggerated, distorted, unfair, or just plan wrong, it suddenly won't be true anymore. This is a paradox!
2. In contrast, if you defend yourself from the criticism, which you WILL do, you will simply prove that the criticism is correct. This is also a paradox!

We will illustrate some strategies for how to disarm seemingly "impossibly wrong and unfair" criticisms.

We started with a classic example. Let's say a loved one angrily insists, "You never listen."

Then we focused on a challenging clinical example, a patient who insists that "You're to worst shrink I've EVER had! Where did you do your psychiatric training? At a veterinarian school?"

The exercise is fairly simple in structure, but quite challenging when you try it out in an actual role play exercise with a friend or colleague.

Step 1: Your colleague or friends hits you with one of the following criticisms listed below.

Step 2: You respond as effectively as you can, using the Disarming Technique and the rest of the Five Secrets of Effective Communication as needed.

Step 3. Your colleague gives you a letter grade along with what you did that was effective, and where you missed the boat.

Step 4. Do a role reversal and repeat the above steps. Continue with this process until you get an A in your response to the criticism.

I don't have a full list of strategies for agreeing with impossible criticisms, but here are two:

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1. Don't respond to the criticism literally. Instead, try to "hear" what the other person is trying to say to you.

Example: Your patient says, "This is the second week in a row that you've been late to our sessions."

Ineffective, literal response: "Yes, that's true. I've been delayed by emergency situations both today and last week." Explanation: This is harsh and literal, and misses the point entirely. This patient is trying to tell you that they feel ignored and uncared about, and this may in fact be a central dynamic in their life.

Somewhat more effective response: "Yes, I share your concern, especially since I have high regard for you and hate having to be late. I'm really worried it will come across as uncaring and irresponsible. In fact, I had unexpected emergencies with suicidal patients both days, and will certainly make up the missed time for you, and not even charge you for today's session. Still, I wouldn't be surprised if you feel hurt and even a bit angry with me, and for good reason. Can you tell me how you are feeing?"

This type of response gives you the