Allana Pratt, renowned intimacy expert shares her passion for self love, reflection, acceptance, and forgiveness to become the best you possible.
This is a must listen for all women to be the best versions of themselves.
How to balance feminine and masculine energy?
How to forgive and understand where the resentment and anger comes from?
How to show up with confidence that radiates to other people around you?
And more!
https://www.instagram.com/allanapratt/
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Need Magnesium?
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Use Code "FWW" for 10% Off!
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Kindal Boyle has been a personal trainer for nearly 20 years focusing on women's strength and fitness. She'll teach you how to combine strength training and cardio for a hybrid approach to build the fittest body and life no matter where you are in your fitness journey.
---
❤️ INSTAGRAM: www.instagram.com/KindalBoyleFitness/
🎙️ YouTube: www.youtube.com/@Fit-Womens-Weekly
🔗 Webtsite: www.fitwomensweekly.com
☕️ Buy A Coffee: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/fitwomensweekly
Need Magnesium?
Try RnA ReSet Magnesium: https://rnareset.com/?ref=FWW
Use Code "FWW" for 10% Off!
---
Kindal Boyle has been a personal trainer for nearly 20 years focusing on women's strength and fitness. She'll teach you how to combine strength training and cardio for a hybrid approach to build the fittest body and life no matter where you are in your fitness journey.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
(Transcribed by TurboScribe.ai. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) What's up, guys?
Welcome to a brand new episode of the
Fit Women's Weekly Podcast.
We are going to jump right into this
episode with intimacy expert Alana Pratt.
Now, I absolutely adore this woman.
The passion that she has is just contagious.
And we're going to talk about being intimate
with yourself, being intimate with partners, issues as
(00:21):
we get older, and how to just reconnect
with yourself on a deeper level.
I got so much out of this episode,
and I hope that you do as well.
If you do, do me a favor.
Go ahead, hit that like button if you
are watching this on YouTube.
If you are listening to this on a
podcast platform, make sure that you're subscribed to
the channel.
I put out brand new episodes every week.
(00:41):
I don't want you to miss out because
we're always having fun interviews with experts like
Alana.
Or I am over here talking things up
about my own personal training and answering your
questions.
So don't miss out.
Go ahead and subscribe right now, whether on
a podcast or on YouTube.
Now, let's jump into this episode.
Let's just get started, kind of share a
(01:01):
little bit with the crowd listening who you
are and what got you started to become
an intimacy expert.
What was that journey?
Well, that's like three hours in a bottle
of wine.
I could tell you the whole story.
Hey, I've got an iced coffee.
Okay, I've got my coffee too.
So yeah, so I'm an intimacy expert.
I define intimacy as intimacy I see.
(01:23):
And when we look inside, how is our
relationship with ourself?
Do we avoid ourselves?
Do we judge ourselves?
Do we have compassion for ourselves?
This inner relationship allows us to be home
on the inside so we can be hard
open and present with not just a beloved
if you're dating or you're in a marriage,
but also with your children, also with your
(01:45):
body, also with the divine.
It's all like how intimate, vulnerable, open and
honest can you be with the world.
And so I suppose my path into being
an intimacy expert was because I needed to
learn what I teach.
And so I'm from Canada, small town Canadian
girl, and I didn't want to take over
(02:06):
dad's pharmacy or be a teacher like mom.
I didn't feel they paid her well enough.
I think I am kind of a teacher
myself.
But I hopped on Uncle Phil's 18-wheeler
semi just to explore life and move to
LA.
Then I ended up in Tokyo.
And then I ended up in meeting a
tall, dark and handsome Wall Street trader moving
(02:28):
to New York, going to Columbia University, discovering
I was intelligent, graduated cum laude.
Yet there was still something missing this depth.
I was smart enough and adventurous enough and
brave enough.
But I also wanted someone that valued my
depth, didn't judge my wobbly heart.
And as I learned not to judge my
(02:49):
wobbly heart, that relationship completed, moved on to
my next relationship right when my mom was
dying.
Kindle, and I don't know if you've ever
done the bypass thing or you just don't
want to feel a feeling.
So instead of feeling the death and loss
of my mom, I thought, you know, a
man is a plan, a man and a
baby is a plan.
(03:09):
So and I was over the Disneyland, you
know, relationships are all perfect.
So I'm like, I'll just find a man.
And that relationship, mom died.
I got married.
We had a baby right away.
And then I discovered, oh, my closed heart.
Yeah, my closed heart attracted a closed heart.
Yeah, so that marriage ended as well quite
(03:30):
quickly after a year.
But then it was a 13 year custody
battle.
He was not thrilled that I rejected him
from his, you know, accurate point of view.
And so that really, that brought me to
my knees, lost everything, lost the house, lost
my savings, went into a quarter of a
million dollars of debt.
And it really, it really took me to
(03:51):
my knees, but at least I had my
son until his whole entire existence was court.
And so he said, mom, the only way
to stop dad from coming after you, I'm
going to live with dad.
I'm going to let him win.
I know what I'm doing.
Don't stop me.
And so I took the high road.
Yeah, I took the high road and let
him discover his manhood.
(04:13):
He was 15.
His dad is Jewish.
So bar mitzvah is around 13.
You're becoming a man.
So I said, okay.
And to date, it's been five years since
he's reached out to me.
And so it's been such a journey.
Each of these steps kindle in this intimate
relationship with myself.
Do I need someone to approve of me
(04:34):
to be enough?
Do I need someone to agree with me
to be enough?
Do I need someone to save me to
be enough?
Do I need someone to apologize to be
enough?
Do I need someone to be in contact
with me to be enough?
And so each of these very painful lessons,
it's almost like facets of a diamond.
You know, pressure, it's been a hard, it's
been a hard road, but I do my
(04:56):
work.
And so each time I become more and
more integrated whole and in allowance, I don't
like what's happened or prefer what's happened, but
I don't have to resist it.
I don't have to blame others.
I don't have to give my power away.
And I'm more and more whole with an
intimate relationship with myself and the divine and
able to be really compassionate and understanding with
(05:17):
whatever story my clients bring to me.
I don't judge because I've learned not to
judge myself or others.
And just at the recording of this interview,
which I'm pissed that we didn't get to
speak in Charleston when I was there.
I know.
But I've just been a week here in
Santa Fe and Kendall, this is the first
move I've made, not for a job, not
for a man, not for my son, but
(05:39):
just for my joy.
And so I'm really, I'm really proud of
myself.
That's beautiful.
And what I love, and I actually was
just writing an email to my clients about
this earlier about this idea of being enough.
And so often, especially women put the external
definitions out, right?
Like we have to be defined externally that
we're enough.
Our spouse has to tell us enough.
(06:00):
Do I look fit enough?
Am I fast enough, strong enough, smart enough?
How do you handle clients like that and
what starts their journey to realize that that
enough has to come from within themselves?
Yeah, I didn't even know I had an
inside.
I was running so fast on the outside
trying to keep up, look good.
You don't have time.
Exactly.
(06:20):
We don't have time to go inside.
And when I started to have an intimate
relationship with myself and go inside, I didn't
like what I found.
I was insecure and I felt ashamed and
not good enough.
All these feelings we're talking about.
So over time, I've developed 10 Allana Prep
Method processes.
And the very first, I think, is the
essential foundational practice, Little You.
And I imagine that Little You is inside
(06:42):
of our body in the form of energy.
And maybe you have experiences where your heart
is contracted or your throat, you can't speak
up or you get nauseous.
You can't stomach or digest some situation.
For me, I walked around with a perma
-keagle like, ooh, scared to even rest onto
the planet.
So this energy of Little You is stored,
(07:02):
stuck, held in the body from an unprocessed
trauma.
And trauma doesn't have to be you were
in a war.
Trauma could be that there was a repeated
you were abandoned or avoided or made wrong
or told to be quiet or ignored over
and over and over.
And that wound never got processed and it's
held in our body.
And so when I work with clients or
(07:24):
I give them an assignment, when you get
triggered, when you want to leave, want to
run, when you want to control, like there's
an emotion in there.
Little You is feeling something that never got
processed.
So breathe, feel the sensation, go into your
body and really imagine in your mind's eye
Little You is in there and their back
(07:45):
is probably to you because you've ignored them
or you've made them wrong or you've tried
to fix them or change them.
You haven't just been unconditional love, acknowledgement and
allowance that wow, that part of you has
every right to feel that way.
And when we have an intimate relationship with
these parts of ourselves, these Little You's without
the agenda to make you better.
(08:06):
So you'll get the guy or you'll lose
the 10 pounds or you'll get the client.
No, no, no agendas.
You're going to go in and love that
part of you.
A shame, scared, mad, sad, whatever it is,
forever, even if they never change.
That would be love without condition.
Otherwise it would be conditional love.
And there's something magical that occurs.
(08:27):
I believe the energy of the divine and
our own will or our own intentionality and
then surrender, where this like it's an alchemy
occurs within people's bodies and beings where wow,
I can actually love myself even if I
was a little bit scared forever.
I can love myself even though I had
(08:47):
a divorce.
I can love myself even though I gained
40 pounds after the baby.
I can love myself even though he left
me, right?
I love that.
This creates wholeness.
And we can hold that we are masterful
where we're masterful and we're a hot mess
where we're a hot mess and we don't
have to reject any parts of ourselves.
(09:09):
And that feeling is a confidence that no
one can take away.
Do you feel like that confidence comes a
little bit as you get older, you almost
just become a little bit more open to
realizing the things, the little me within.
For example, you just saying that brought back
this great idea and I share a lot
of personal experiences on this podcast.
So just recently I've been doing a lot
(09:32):
of self-reflection in myself and with my
husband and I have now been together for
20 years, but we're always a work in
progress, right?
It's never easy by any means.
And one of the things that I realized
last, actually last night was we were getting
a little bit of an argument about something
and my first response was, I'm not going
to fight with you right now.
And I walked away and I've been thinking
(09:53):
like, that's always my response.
And all of a sudden it hit me
and I was like, I have grown up
from my dad who had a temper going,
don't anger your dad, don't anger your dad.
And it was like that finally at 41,
it was this huge epiphany where I was
like, that's my response to things.
Right, right, right.
That's brilliant for you to be so aware.
(10:15):
So I believe our masculine energy is our
awareness and our feminine energy is more of
our expression.
So your divine masculine was able to go,
oh, that's a pattern.
I now have a choice.
I have now have choice.
And then I would invite the next thing
that would probably happen would be a feeling
because if you would, and I'll give you
an example of what happened, a brilliant example
(10:35):
of this to support the viewers and listeners.
If in that moment when he was starting
to get angry, instead of I'm not going
to fight, leave B, feel your feet on
the floor, close your eyes for a moment
and just breathe and scan your body.
What are you feeling?
Do you want to do it right now?
Yeah, I actually am doing it right now.
So what were you actually feeling right before
(10:56):
the habitual response was to leave?
Embarrassment because of what I had done.
I had not done something that I, we
were putting together an ad campaign just to
like put it completely out there.
And I didn't do something appropriately.
And so it held off us being able
to publish this campaign that we're trying to
do.
So shame.
Shame.
Yeah.
So that's like the deepest on Hawkins scale
(11:18):
of consciousness, right?
Guilt and shame.
So that's a humdinger.
So you're, you go for the big ones,
girl.
Well done.
I am all there.
I love it.
I love this about you.
That's so great.
So in that moment and we can do
it right now, imagine in your mind's eye
and be present in your body, feet on
the ground.
There's the embarrassment, the shame, and just breathe
and find where little you is holding onto
(11:40):
that shame within your body.
And where do you, where do you feel
the shame?
Right in my heart.
It gets almost like my heart stops beating.
Yeah.
Anxiety attack is kind of coming as the
feeling that I get stunning.
So I'll just press pause for a second.
In terms of trauma level four, you're gone,
dissociated.
You're you've left your body level three.
(12:00):
When you come back in, it's, Oh, what's
the point?
Hopeless.
This is so hard.
Why even try level two is a very
short, acute panic attack, terror, rage, furious.
It's very short 30 seconds, 60 seconds, but
it's intense.
And then level one is relief.
Okay.
A little bit of overwhelm, but I made
(12:20):
it.
I made it.
And level one is, or level zero is
home.
Total integration of the autonomic nervous system within
the body where you and God, the divine
and your body, it's all one.
So if you want, we can just continue
to feel within your heart that that panic
that occurred way back as a little girl,
(12:41):
that if you actually stayed in the room,
your little girl body really feared for her
life.
She really honestly fit, not the adult Kindle,
but the little one.
And so if we just put our hand
on our heart and just, I like to
call in the angels, just to like hold
vigil for us as we feel through something
where your autonomic nervous system, like underneath the,
(13:02):
the iceberg, the part under the water, the
subconscious truly believes it's going to die.
And we're just going to be with her
and breathe with her and feel that shame,
the embarrassment and the panic of, Oh my
God, if I feel this, something really bad
could happen.
And it normally takes about 30 seconds as
we just allow, allow, hold space, acknowledge, feel,
(13:23):
breathe.
And your husband of 20 years, I'm sure
loves you.
And if you could just say, just, could
you just be with me?
Could you just be with me?
I just, I'm feeling something right now.
Thank you.
And just keep feeling sometimes it moves to
other areas of the body, maybe the throat,
maybe the stomach, but what's happening inside your
body is you feel the clenching, the not
breathing in your heart.
(13:45):
What's happening for you and breathing and letting
go.
I'm relaxing, actually.
So it's starting to integrate by being with
it.
And so to me, that's a form of
honor, self honor, self love of little you
like, Hey, you've got every right to feel
panicked, embarrassed, ashamed, stop breathing.
I'm with you.
(14:06):
I'm not here to fix you or change
you.
Just be with the experience.
And as you be with it, the autonomic
nervous system goes, Oh, I'm being reparented.
It's OK now.
And the body goes, oh, a little more
relaxing.
So we just stay with the relaxing, the
calming down a bit.
So we don't miss out on this incredible
space of zero.
So, yes, the body's understanding I'm safe now.
(14:28):
I'm with Alana on a podcast.
It's going to be OK.
My husband loves me.
I had every right to feel that feeling.
I'm OK now.
And as we stay with it, the beauty
of integrating emotions is that we don't just
get rid of them.
There's an alchemy from lead into gold.
So there's wisdom on the other side.
There's wisdom when we get back to zero
(14:49):
of why this happened, why you chose those
parents, why you chose this husband, why you
chose this podcast for humanity, why you chose
this guest.
Like, it all can sort of like a
puzzle piece come together and no pressure or
anything.
But as we stay and we allow the
system to come back to zero and the
(15:10):
wisdom from within your soul, your body to
arise, is there any awareness you have about
that little one who is...
It's OK.
She's strong.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And did she choose a different masculine figure
(15:31):
in her life with her husband, someone that
won't make her wrong if she made a
mistake?
My husband's a pretty amazing guy.
Yeah, she made a good decision.
Yeah, so you can go, wow, I learned
one way.
But I chose a primary relationship in another
way where it's actually safe now.
You look so young.
But what did you say?
41?
(15:52):
41.
For me to expose my perfectly imperfect self
and I won't reject me and he won't
reject me and I have a whole new
possibility of living free and apologetic.
I make a mistake when I make a
mistake and I knock it out of the
park when I knock it out of the
park and I can stay with me and
(16:13):
I could stay with my beloved.
Yeah, I love that.
And hopefully everybody listening actually did that exercise
with us because I feel like 10 pounds
lighter.
You seriously?
Oh, I'm so pleased.
I'm so pleased, my love.
I'm so pleased.
Yeah, I'll give them one more example so
they can have two rounds at this kind
(16:34):
of weight.
If you'd like.
Sure.
Back in the relationship that we were speaking
of before when I was in Charleston, it
didn't work out, but it worked out in
terms of finding the wound from my parents
that I could integrate, which I call a
success.
Even if the relationship didn't work out, I
still call it a success.
(16:55):
So my boyfriend at the time, he wasn't
into obligatory gifts.
So he wasn't really into like Christmas gifts.
So he bought me tickets to Alanis Morissette
couple months before Christmas.
And Christmas morning, all there was was nothing.
There was just all my presents for him,
but he's like, no, remember, I got you
those tickets.
And I'm like, okay.
So that was a little bit owie because
I like gifts, but that's okay.
(17:16):
That's how he is.
That's fine.
But then six months later, I come home
and he said, Oh, I sold the Alanis
Morissette tickets.
I've got a gig.
Now up until then in our short relationship,
maybe 10 months at that point, if he
had done something which I felt insensitive, I
would react and I would say, why?
Why did you do that?
And he would instantly get defensive.
(17:36):
The fight would occur.
Or I do what you just explained before.
I'm out.
I'm going for a drive.
And then you just push everything down and
then you become resentful.
Exactly.
So this was the pattern for 10 months.
And so here it was the worst of
all of these grievances.
He sold my only Christmas present without even
asking me.
(17:58):
And so instead of leaving and instead of
questioning why, which only makes him defensive, I
did what I just did with you.
I closed my eyes.
I felt my feet on the ground.
And I started to feel the emotions inside.
And I found little you and she was
in my heart and she was devastated.
So I said out loud, devastated, feeling devastated.
And maybe it took 30 seconds, 45 seconds.
(18:20):
And then it shifted lower into my body.
Worthless.
I feel worthless.
I feel unimportant.
So I felt that for 30 seconds, 60
seconds.
And then it dropped down even deeper.
And then it got very quiet and very
calm inside.
And I had clarity and I go, oh,
he just forgot.
(18:41):
I forget.
And I opened my eyes.
I said, you just forgot.
I forgive you.
I need a partner who doesn't forget.
That's what I was about to say.
At what point do you not for like,
do you have that reaction?
Yeah.
But I had it from, I'm going to
call it a response, not a reaction before.
I'm like, I'm going to break up with
you.
You don't care about me.
(19:02):
That's a reaction and blame.
But I got all the way to that
clarity.
With compassion, not condoning that he literally forgot.
He literally doesn't value what he bought for
me and he values more.
He got a gig for his band.
He values that more.
(19:22):
And I don't want to be in a
relationship where I'm that devalued, that unimportant.
But with compassion and forgiveness, I could say,
I forgive you and I'm complete.
I'm done.
And so that's leaving a relationship from integrating
a wound.
I'm going to call myself a wounded princess
into a queen, integrating this into my worth.
(19:45):
And I deserve a king who holds me
as worthy as well.
And then I can complete the relationship calmly.
Not comfortable, but this is how we can
learn.
Oh, is this relationship a match?
Is this behavior that we're doing to ourself?
A match?
Is this the way I want to parent
my kids?
(20:06):
Is this a client that's actually valuing and
honoring me?
All these deeper questions, it's just so easy
to react and blame.
It really takes some courage, some ownership, some
integrity, and some bravery to feel these feelings.
But we can integrate all of these emotions
into truth and then act from that place.
And then have, I'm sure you're a coach
or me a coach, like have a coach
(20:26):
or a community that'll hold you, have your
back as you bravely complete relationships.
Change your path, move to Santa Fe, whatever
you want to do that's aligned with your
heart.
For so many women, I listen to that
story and I'm like, yes, that makes perfect
sense.
But for so many women, I feel like
we don't acknowledge our worth or don't know
(20:48):
our worth.
What are some things that people can do
where they can finally, after experience, after experience
of those kinds of things, go, I deserve
better.
I am worth more.
How do they have that epiphany moment?
I wouldn't say it's an actual epiphany moment.
I think it's a series of these moments
until you actually build the capacity, the resilience,
(21:12):
the knowing.
I often call it sprinkles on top of
the ice cream cone of shit.
We can say the affirmations.
I'm good enough.
I'm worthy.
But we actually don't know it.
We might hope we are.
So if we're still seeking our worth from
the outside in, we're never going to get
there.
Never going to get there.
If only he bought me another gift.
If only he apologized.
All this outside stuff.
(21:33):
So it's really true to me.
Worth is we often collapse them.
So let's say this hand is my worth
and this hand is my accomplishments.
We often collapse our accomplishments and our achievements.
He texted me.
He wants to date me.
The client worked with me.
I lost 10 pounds.
It's an accomplishment or achievement of some sort.
And it's like a blanket we put on
top of our worth.
And we think it's the same thing and
(21:54):
it's not.
Kind of like benefits with features in the
business world.
There you go.
Yeah, exactly.
Exactly.
Well said.
So when you peel away your accomplishments.
And I've had a lot of accomplishments.
You know, cum laude graduate of an Ivy
League school.
Author of six books.
Six million views on my YouTube channel.
Like a lot of accomplishments.
But I've also had a lot of failures.
I started a dating app and with my
(22:17):
coaching company.
Two companies at once.
It was too much.
I almost went bankrupt.
I almost lost it all.
Lost my house.
You've heard of the story of the custody
battle.
So I've had the failures too.
And so I was always trying to overcome
the failures.
It'd be good enough.
So I tried to accomplish more.
But it was the opposite side of the
same coin of illusion.
I am not my accomplishments.
(22:37):
I have them.
I am not my failures.
I've experienced them.
My worth is something completely separate.
So when you uncollapse these two.
And you are proud of your accomplishments.
And you learn from your failures.
And this is called the experience of life.
Nothing's happened to worth over here.
It's still there.
So just spend a little more time over
(22:58):
there.
And get to know why you are worthy.
And it has nothing to do with your
accomplishments.
Or the size of your ass.
Or the size of your bank account.
It's because I am that I am.
And that's the end of the sentence.
I am worthy because I am.
And to really get to know all the
little yous inside.
Who don't believe that yet.
(23:19):
Because of certain experiences.
And peel away what she made that mean.
He left me so I must not be
good enough.
Peel away he left me.
And that's an experience.
And then we can even use like a
sentence.
Even though he left me.
I love and accept myself.
Even though I went bankrupt.
I love and accept myself.
(23:40):
And you can utilize these points of view.
And say them as a mantra.
And embody and feel the feelings.
That need to be integrated.
Until one day you get to a place.
If this becomes your spiritual practice.
When you journal.
Or walk on the beach.
Or do what have you.
No matter what.
If everybody turned against me.
(24:00):
I've even done this exercise with some of
my clients.
For some reason I see Newfoundland.
I don't know why I'm Canadian.
But like an outer on deck chair.
Sitting on these big cliffs of Newfoundland.
And what if nobody knew you existed.
Nobody signed up for your Facebook.
Nobody married you.
You lost all your money.
And you just sat there.
(24:22):
You sit there long enough.
Even if nobody knew me.
I exist.
I am worthy.
I'm a child of God.
I am one with all.
There are some beautiful deep meditative moments.
That come from some of my processes.
I take people through.
Where you rest in the everything nothingness.
Of worth.
(24:43):
And then from that place.
You're no longer motivated by fear.
Motivated by proving.
Motivated by getting.
Motivated by seeking anything.
You start to take actions because.
They delight you.
They resonate with you.
They align with you.
You're not attached to the outcome.
If it works great.
If it doesn't.
I'll try something else.
(25:03):
And you become so much more magnetic.
And so much more grateful for the small
things.
When you loosen your attachment.
And you let go of your achievements being
your worth.
And it's a I call it a journey
and a practice.
Not an epiphany moment.
Because if we don't continue to treat ourselves.
With such reverence.
(25:23):
Respect devotion.
Cherishing and worship.
To that.
To that one who is worthy because she
exists.
We'll get caught up with all the shiny
things.
That we need to accomplish to be good
enough.
So it's a journey.
And it's a practice.
And it's possible.
And allows you to be your true authentic
self.
Which is so sexy.
And oh by the way when you're that
(25:43):
way.
You tend to get the guy and all
the new clients.
Right.
Because you're not trying.
And they can feel your authenticity.
Speaking of I do want to actually talk
about.
Dating a little bit more for like.
I want to say older ladies.
But 40 and up ladies.
Because I have a lot of people in
my life.
That are now going through divorce.
Or just haven't found that special someone yet.
(26:05):
But one thing where we're talking about worth.
And like you said your accomplishments.
I know that America is a little bit
different.
Where we are defined by.
A lot of times by what we do
for a living.
Whether it's a stay at home mom.
Or I'm a banker.
I'm a personal trainer.
I'm a public speaker.
That's not who we are.
That's what we do.
How can we change our mindset.
(26:25):
From thinking about these as our.
How we define ourselves and define ourselves.
By more of I'm a kind person.
This is the energy that I put out
into the world.
I am.
I don't think a teacher.
Is necessarily a job.
I feel like people are put onto this
earth.
To share their knowledge with the world.
So how can we change that mindset?
Yeah.
(26:45):
It's from mindset to heart set.
You're never going to get there in your
mind.
Because the mind is always fear based.
Trying to accomplish something to be safe.
So completely release.
Trying to release the mind.
And come down into the heart.
Even further into the gut.
Into the hips.
Into your sacred yoni.
(27:06):
Into your beingness.
That occurs in your body.
Not in your mind.
When you're really connected to your heart.
And your soul in your hips.
A different mind comes online.
Not the strategic try to figure it out.
Not the fear based amygdala.
Better fight or flight or freeze.
There's a center place in the middle of
the pineal.
Where it turns on.
(27:27):
And it connects to the all.
And that's a different mind.
So it's actually reminding me.
I have a Patreon channel.
I just started it 2-3 months ago.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I'm very proud of it.
And in the behind the scenes.
I think what I'm going to do actually.
Is put my last match.com profile in
there.
Read it and express how I express myself.
(27:49):
Because the quality of men I attracted.
Were all attracted to my beingness.
Not my doingness.
Based on how I wrote.
So I think I'm going to share that
in there.
But basically.
Leaving the mind.
I go into my heart.
I go into my hips.
And I go into the qualities that I
value.
Now if I don't value them.
Why on earth would he?
(28:10):
Right.
Right?
So we need to spend time falling in
love with ourselves.
Valuing ourselves.
Dating ourselves.
Flirting with ourselves.
Self-pleasuring ourselves.
All the things.
So that we start to really value our
light.
Our joy.
Our expression.
Our goofiness.
Our dorkiness.
Our naughtiness.
Our sexiness.
(28:31):
Our capacity to listen.
And be tender.
And caring.
Be that soft breast for his head to
rest on.
When he had a hard day at work.
It's not what we said.
It's who we're being.
And if we can't be that for ourselves.
That intimate relationship with ourselves.
And if we don't value that within ourselves.
We're going to write a profile of all
of our accomplishments.
(28:51):
And then we're going to attract somebody.
That only values our accomplishments.
Just like my male clients complain about.
Why is she a gold digger?
And I read his profile.
And all he talks about is all of
his position.
Right?
Because he hasn't learned to value his heart.
His depth.
His presence.
His unwavering spaciousness that he holds.
When she needs a hug.
Or when she needs to vent.
(29:12):
Or just be expressed.
Right?
So this is not just a woman.
This is a male and female issue I
would say.
That we have overvalued our mind.
And we've stayed there at the mind.
Trying to fix what that's not.
What does Einstein say?
You can't fix a problem at the same
consciousness that created it.
Sounds good to me.
Something along those lines.
(29:33):
You can't learn to value your heart.
When you're looking in your mind.
For a better mindset.
You've got to drop in to your heart.
And then integrate the wounds that are there.
And that takes bravery.
Because you're going to find.
If you're anything like me.
And you're over accomplishing.
Right?
That's because inside I felt not good enough.
Right?
Or I felt my value was my body.
(29:54):
I was a model in Japan for four
years.
I thought well.
That's why my husband married me.
I was a model.
(Transcribed by TurboScribe.ai. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) What's up, guys?
Welcome to a brand new episode of the
Fit Women's Weekly Podcast.
We are going to jump right into this
episode with intimacy expert Alana Pratt.
Now, I absolutely adore this woman.
The passion that she has is just contagious.
And we're going to talk about being intimate
with yourself, being intimate with partners, issues as
(00:21):
we get older, and how to just reconnect
with yourself on a deeper level.
I got so much out of this episode,
and I hope that you do as well.
If you do, do me a favor.
Go ahead, hit that like button if you
are watching this on YouTube.
If you are listening to this on a
podcast platform, make sure that you're subscribed to
the channel.
I put out brand new episodes every week.
(00:41):
I don't want you to miss out because
we're always having fun interviews with experts like
Alana.
Or I am over here talking things up
about my own personal training and answering your
questions.
So don't miss out.
Go ahead and subscribe right now, whether on
a podcast or on YouTube.
Now, let's jump into this episode.
Let's just get started, kind of share a
(01:01):
little bit with the crowd listening who you
are and what got you started to become
an intimacy expert.
What was that journey?
Well, that's like three hours in a bottle
of wine.
I could tell you the whole story.
Hey, I've got an iced coffee.
Okay, I've got my coffee too.
So yeah, so I'm an intimacy expert.
I define intimacy as intimacy I see.
(01:23):
And when we look inside, how is our
relationship with ourself?
Do we avoid ourselves?
Do we judge ourselves?
Do we have compassion for ourselves?
This inner relationship allows us to be home
on the inside so we can be hard
open and present with not just a beloved
if you're dating or you're in a marriage,
but also with your children, also with your
(01:45):
body, also with the divine.
It's all like how intimate, vulnerable, open and
honest can you be with the world.
And so I suppose my path into being
an intimacy expert was because I needed to
learn what I teach.
And so I'm from Canada, small town Canadian
girl, and I didn't want to take over
(02:06):
dad's pharmacy or be a teacher like mom.
I didn't feel they paid her well enough.
I think I am kind of a teacher
myself.
But I hopped on Uncle Phil's 18-wheeler
semi just to explore life and move to
LA.
Then I ended up in Tokyo.
And then I ended up in meeting a
tall, dark and handsome Wall Street trader moving
(02:28):
to New York, going to Columbia University, discovering
I was intelligent, graduated cum laude.
Yet there was still something missing this depth.
I was smart enough and adventurous enough and
brave enough.
But I also wanted someone that valued my
depth, didn't judge my wobbly heart.
And as I learned not to judge my
(02:49):
wobbly heart, that relationship completed, moved on to
my next relationship right when my mom was
dying.
Kindle, and I don't know if you've ever
done the bypass thing or you just don't
want to feel a feeling.
So instead of feeling the death and loss
of my mom, I thought, you know, a
man is a plan, a man and a
baby is a plan.
(03:09):
So and I was over the Disneyland, you
know, relationships are all perfect.
So I'm like, I'll just find a man.
And that relationship, mom died.
I got married.
We had a baby right away.
And then I discovered, oh, my closed heart.
Yeah, my closed heart attracted a closed heart.
Yeah, so that marriage ended as well quite
(03:30):
quickly after a year.
But then it was a 13 year custody
battle.
He was not thrilled that I rejected him
from his, you know, accurate point of view.
And so that really, that brought me to
my knees, lost everything, lost the house, lost
my savings, went into a quarter of a
million dollars of debt.
And it really, it really took me to
(03:51):
my knees, but at least I had my
son until his whole entire existence was court.
And so he said, mom, the only way
to stop dad from coming after you, I'm
going to live with dad.
I'm going to let him win.
I know what I'm doing.
Don't stop me.
And so I took the high road.
Yeah, I took the high road and let
him discover his manhood.
(04:13):
He was 15.
His dad is Jewish.
So bar mitzvah is around 13.
You're becoming a man.
So I said, okay.
And to date, it's been five years since
he's reached out to me.
And so it's been such a journey.
Each of these steps kindle in this intimate
relationship with myself.
Do I need someone to approve of me
(04:34):
to be enough?
Do I need someone to agree with me
to be enough?
Do I need someone to save me to
be enough?
Do I need someone to apologize to be
enough?
Do I need someone to be in contact
with me to be enough?
And so each of these very painful lessons,
it's almost like facets of a diamond.
You know, pressure, it's been a hard, it's
been a hard road, but I do my
(04:56):
work.
And so each time I become more and
more integrated whole and in allowance, I don't
like what's happened or prefer what's happened, but
I don't have to resist it.
I don't have to blame others.
I don't have to give my power away.
And I'm more and more whole with an
intimate relationship with myself and the divine and
able to be really compassionate and understanding with
(05:17):
whatever story my clients bring to me.
I don't judge because I've learned not to
judge myself or others.
And just at the recording of this interview,
which I'm pissed that we didn't get to
speak in Charleston when I was there.
I know.
But I've just been a week here in
Santa Fe and Kendall, this is the first
move I've made, not for a job, not
for a man, not for my son, but
(05:39):
just for my joy.
And so I'm really, I'm really proud of
myself.
That's beautiful.
And what I love, and I actually was
just writing an email to my clients about
this earlier about this idea of being enough.
And so often, especially women put the external
definitions out, right?
Like we have to be defined externally that
we're enough.
Our spouse has to tell us enough.
(06:00):
Do I look fit enough?
Am I fast enough, strong enough, smart enough?
How do you handle clients like that and
what starts their journey to realize that that
enough has to come from within themselves?
Yeah, I didn't even know I had an
inside.
I was running so fast on the outside
trying to keep up, look good.
You don't have time.
Exactly.
(06:20):
We don't have time to go inside.
And when I started to have an intimate
relationship with myself and go inside, I didn't
like what I found.
I was insecure and I felt ashamed and
not good enough.
All these feelings we're talking about.
So over time, I've developed 10 Allana Prep
Method processes.
And the very first, I think, is the
essential foundational practice, Little You.
And I imagine that Little You is inside
(06:42):
of our body in the form of energy.
And maybe you have experiences where your heart
is contracted or your throat, you can't speak
up or you get nauseous.
You can't stomach or digest some situation.
For me, I walked around with a perma
-keagle like, ooh, scared to even rest onto
the planet.
So this energy of Little You is stored,
(07:02):
stuck, held in the body from an unprocessed
trauma.
And trauma doesn't have to be you were
in a war.
Trauma could be that there was a repeated
you were abandoned or avoided or made wrong
or told to be quiet or ignored over
and over and over.
And that wound never got processed and it's
held in our body.
And so when I work with clients or
(07:24):
I give them an assignment, when you get
triggered, when you want to leave, want to
run, when you want to control, like there's
an emotion in there.
Little You is feeling something that never got
processed.
So breathe, feel the sensation, go into your
body and really imagine in your mind's eye
Little You is in there and their back
(07:45):
is probably to you because you've ignored them
or you've made them wrong or you've tried
to fix them or change them.
You haven't just been unconditional love, acknowledgement and
allowance that wow, that part of you has
every right to feel that way.
And when we have an intimate relationship with
these parts of ourselves, these Little You's without
the agenda to make you better.
(08:06):
So you'll get the guy or you'll lose
the 10 pounds or you'll get the client.
No, no, no agendas.
You're going to go in and love that
part of you.
A shame, scared, mad, sad, whatever it is,
forever, even if they never change.
That would be love without condition.
Otherwise it would be conditional love.
And there's something magical that occurs.
(08:27):
I believe the energy of the divine and
our own will or our own intentionality and
then surrender, where this like it's an alchemy
occurs within people's bodies and beings where wow,
I can actually love myself even if I
was a little bit scared forever.
I can love myself even though I had
(08:47):
a divorce.
I can love myself even though I gained
40 pounds after the baby.
I can love myself even though he left
me, right?
I love that.
This creates wholeness.
And we can hold that we are masterful
where we're masterful and we're a hot mess
where we're a hot mess and we don't
have to reject any parts of ourselves.
(09:09):
And that feeling is a confidence that no
one can take away.
Do you feel like that confidence comes a
little bit as you get older, you almost
just become a little bit more open to
realizing the things, the little me within.
For example, you just saying that brought back
this great idea and I share a lot
of personal experiences on this podcast.
So just recently I've been doing a lot
(09:32):
of self-reflection in myself and with my
husband and I have now been together for
20 years, but we're always a work in
progress, right?
It's never easy by any means.
And one of the things that I realized
last, actually last night was we were getting
a little bit of an argument about something
and my first response was, I'm not going
to fight with you right now.
And I walked away and I've been thinking
(09:53):
like, that's always my response.
And all of a sudden it hit me
and I was like, I have grown up
from my dad who had a temper going,
don't anger your dad, don't anger your dad.
And it was like that finally at 41,
it was this huge epiphany where I was
like, that's my response to things.
Right, right, right.
That's brilliant for you to be so aware.
(10:15):
So I believe our masculine energy is our
awareness and our feminine energy is more of
our expression.
So your divine masculine was able to go,
oh, that's a pattern.
I now have a choice.
I have now have choice.
And then I would invite the next thing
that would probably happen would be a feeling
because if you would, and I'll give you
an example of what happened, a brilliant example
(10:35):
of this to support the viewers and listeners.
If in that moment when he was starting
to get angry, instead of I'm not going
to fight, leave B, feel your feet on
the floor, close your eyes for a moment
and just breathe and scan your body.
What are you feeling?
Do you want to do it right now?
Yeah, I actually am doing it right now.
So what were you actually feeling right before
(10:56):
the habitual response was to leave?
Embarrassment because of what I had done.
I had not done something that I, we
were putting together an ad campaign just to
like put it completely out there.
And I didn't do something appropriately.
And so it held off us being able
to publish this campaign that we're trying to
do.
So shame.
Shame.
Yeah.
So that's like the deepest on Hawkins scale
(11:18):
of consciousness, right?
Guilt and shame.
So that's a humdinger.
So you're, you go for the big ones,
girl.
Well done.
I am all there.
I love it.
I love this about you.
That's so great.
So in that moment and we can do
it right now, imagine in your mind's eye
and be present in your body, feet on
the ground.
There's the embarrassment, the shame, and just breathe
and find where little you is holding onto
(11:40):
that shame within your body.
And where do you, where do you feel
the shame?
Right in my heart.
It gets almost like my heart stops beating.
Yeah.
Anxiety attack is kind of coming as the
feeling that I get stunning.
So I'll just press pause for a second.
In terms of trauma level four, you're gone,
dissociated.
You're you've left your body level three.
(12:00):
When you come back in, it's, Oh, what's
the point?
Hopeless.
This is so hard.
Why even try level two is a very
short, acute panic attack, terror, rage, furious.
It's very short 30 seconds, 60 seconds, but
it's intense.
And then level one is relief.
Okay.
A little bit of overwhelm, but I made
(12:20):
it.
I made it.
And level one is, or level zero is
home.
Total integration of the autonomic nervous system within
the body where you and God, the divine
and your body, it's all one.
So if you want, we can just continue
to feel within your heart that that panic
that occurred way back as a little girl,
(12:41):
that if you actually stayed in the room,
your little girl body really feared for her
life.
She really honestly fit, not the adult Kindle,
but the little one.
And so if we just put our hand
on our heart and just, I like to
call in the angels, just to like hold
vigil for us as we feel through something
where your autonomic nervous system, like underneath the,
(13:02):
the iceberg, the part under the water, the
subconscious truly believes it's going to die.
And we're just going to be with her
and breathe with her and feel that shame,
the embarrassment and the panic of, Oh my
God, if I feel this, something really bad
could happen.
And it normally takes about 30 seconds as
we just allow, allow, hold space, acknowledge, feel,
(13:23):
breathe.
And your husband of 20 years, I'm sure
loves you.
And if you could just say, just, could
you just be with me?
Could you just be with me?
I just, I'm feeling something right now.
Thank you.
And just keep feeling sometimes it moves to
other areas of the body, maybe the throat,
maybe the stomach, but what's happening inside your
body is you feel the clenching, the not
breathing in your heart.
(13:45):
What's happening for you and breathing and letting
go.
I'm relaxing, actually.
So it's starting to integrate by being with
it.
And so to me, that's a form of
honor, self honor, self love of little you
like, Hey, you've got every right to feel
panicked, embarrassed, ashamed, stop breathing.
I'm with you.
(14:06):
I'm not here to fix you or change
you.
Just be with the experience.
And as you be with it, the autonomic
nervous system goes, Oh, I'm being reparented.
It's OK now.
And the body goes, oh, a little more
relaxing.
So we just stay with the relaxing, the
calming down a bit.
So we don't miss out on this incredible
space of zero.
So, yes, the body's understanding I'm safe now.
(14:28):
I'm with Alana on a podcast.
It's going to be OK.
My husband loves me.
I had every right to feel that feeling.
I'm OK now.
And as we stay with it, the beauty
of integrating emotions is that we don't just
get rid of them.
There's an alchemy from lead into gold.
So there's wisdom on the other side.
There's wisdom when we get back to zero
(14:49):
of why this happened, why you chose those
parents, why you chose this husband, why you
chose this podcast for humanity, why you chose
this guest.
Like, it all can sort of like a
puzzle piece come together and no pressure or
anything.
But as we stay and we allow the
system to come back to zero and the
(15:10):
wisdom from within your soul, your body to
arise, is there any awareness you have about
that little one who is...
It's OK.
She's strong.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And did she choose a different masculine figure
(15:31):
in her life with her husband, someone that
won't make her wrong if she made a
mistake?
My husband's a pretty amazing guy.
Yeah, she made a good decision.
Yeah, so you can go, wow, I learned
one way.
But I chose a primary relationship in another
way where it's actually safe now.
You look so young.
But what did you say?
41?
(15:52):
41.
For me to expose my perfectly imperfect self
and I won't reject me and he won't
reject me and I have a whole new
possibility of living free and apologetic.
I make a mistake when I make a
mistake and I knock it out of the
park when I knock it out of the
park and I can stay with me and
(16:13):
I could stay with my beloved.
Yeah, I love that.
And hopefully everybody listening actually did that exercise
with us because I feel like 10 pounds
lighter.
You seriously?
Oh, I'm so pleased.
I'm so pleased, my love.
I'm so pleased.
Yeah, I'll give them one more example so
they can have two rounds at this kind
(16:34):
of weight.
If you'd like.
Sure.
Back in the relationship that we were speaking
of before when I was in Charleston, it
didn't work out, but it worked out in
terms of finding the wound from my parents
that I could integrate, which I call a
success.
Even if the relationship didn't work out, I
still call it a success.
(16:55):
So my boyfriend at the time, he wasn't
into obligatory gifts.
So he wasn't really into like Christmas gifts.
So he bought me tickets to Alanis Morissette
couple months before Christmas.
And Christmas morning, all there was was nothing.
There was just all my presents for him,
but he's like, no, remember, I got you
those tickets.
And I'm like, okay.
So that was a little bit owie because
I like gifts, but that's okay.
(17:16):
That's how he is.
That's fine.
But then six months later, I come home
and he said, Oh, I sold the Alanis
Morissette tickets.
I've got a gig.
Now up until then in our short relationship,
maybe 10 months at that point, if he
had done something which I felt insensitive, I
would react and I would say, why?
Why did you do that?
And he would instantly get defensive.
(17:36):
The fight would occur.
Or I do what you just explained before.
I'm out.
I'm going for a drive.
And then you just push everything down and
then you become resentful.
Exactly.
So this was the pattern for 10 months.
And so here it was the worst of
all of these grievances.
He sold my only Christmas present without even
asking me.
(17:58):
And so instead of leaving and instead of
questioning why, which only makes him defensive, I
did what I just did with you.
I closed my eyes.
I felt my feet on the ground.
And I started to feel the emotions inside.
And I found little you and she was
in my heart and she was devastated.
So I said out loud, devastated, feeling devastated.
And maybe it took 30 seconds, 45 seconds.
(18:20):
And then it shifted lower into my body.
Worthless.
I feel worthless.
I feel unimportant.
So I felt that for 30 seconds, 60
seconds.
And then it dropped down even deeper.
And then it got very quiet and very
calm inside.
And I had clarity and I go, oh,
he just forgot.
(18:41):
I forget.
And I opened my eyes.
I said, you just forgot.
I forgive you.
I need a partner who doesn't forget.
That's what I was about to say.
At what point do you not for like,
do you have that reaction?
Yeah.
But I had it from, I'm going to
call it a response, not a reaction before.
I'm like, I'm going to break up with
you.
You don't care about me.
(19:02):
That's a reaction and blame.
But I got all the way to that
clarity.
With compassion, not condoning that he literally forgot.
He literally doesn't value what he bought for
me and he values more.
He got a gig for his band.
He values that more.
(19:22):
And I don't want to be in a
relationship where I'm that devalued, that unimportant.
But with compassion and forgiveness, I could say,
I forgive you and I'm complete.
I'm done.
And so that's leaving a relationship from integrating
a wound.
I'm going to call myself a wounded princess
into a queen, integrating this into my worth.
(19:45):
And I deserve a king who holds me
as worthy as well.
And then I can complete the relationship calmly.
Not comfortable, but this is how we can
learn.
Oh, is this relationship a match?
Is this behavior that we're doing to ourself?
A match?
Is this the way I want to parent
my kids?
(20:06):
Is this a client that's actually valuing and
honoring me?
All these deeper questions, it's just so easy
to react and blame.
It really takes some courage, some ownership, some
integrity, and some bravery to feel these feelings.
But we can integrate all of these emotions
into truth and then act from that place.
And then have, I'm sure you're a coach
or me a coach, like have a coach
(20:26):
or a community that'll hold you, have your
back as you bravely complete relationships.
Change your path, move to Santa Fe, whatever
you want to do that's aligned with your
heart.
For so many women, I listen to that
story and I'm like, yes, that makes perfect
sense.
But for so many women, I feel like
we don't acknowledge our worth or don't know
(20:48):
our worth.
What are some things that people can do
where they can finally, after experience, after experience
of those kinds of things, go, I deserve
better.
I am worth more.
How do they have that epiphany moment?
I wouldn't say it's an actual epiphany moment.
I think it's a series of these moments
until you actually build the capacity, the resilience,
(21:12):
the knowing.
I often call it sprinkles on top of
the ice cream cone of shit.
We can say the affirmations.
I'm good enough.
I'm worthy.
But we actually don't know it.
We might hope we are.
So if we're still seeking our worth from
the outside in, we're never going to get
there.
Never going to get there.
If only he bought me another gift.
If only he apologized.
All this outside stuff.
(21:33):
So it's really true to me.
Worth is we often collapse them.
So let's say this hand is my worth
and this hand is my accomplishments.
We often collapse our accomplishments and our achievements.
He texted me.
He wants to date me.
The client worked with me.
I lost 10 pounds.
It's an accomplishment or achievement of some sort.
And it's like a blanket we put on
top of our worth.
And we think it's the same thing and
(21:54):
it's not.
Kind of like benefits with features in the
business world.
There you go.
Yeah, exactly.
Exactly.
Well said.
So when you peel away your accomplishments.
And I've had a lot of accomplishments.
You know, cum laude graduate of an Ivy
League school.
Author of six books.
Six million views on my YouTube channel.
Like a lot of accomplishments.
But I've also had a lot of failures.
I started a dating app and with my
(22:17):
coaching company.
Two companies at once.
It was too much.
I almost went bankrupt.
I almost lost it all.
Lost my house.
You've heard of the story of the custody
battle.
So I've had the failures too.
And so I was always trying to overcome
the failures.
It'd be good enough.
So I tried to accomplish more.
But it was the opposite side of the
same coin of illusion.
I am not my accomplishments.
(22:37):
I have them.
I am not my failures.
I've experienced them.
My worth is something completely separate.
So when you uncollapse these two.
And you are proud of your accomplishments.
And you learn from your failures.
And this is called the experience of life.
Nothing's happened to worth over here.
It's still there.
So just spend a little more time over
(22:58):
there.
And get to know why you are worthy.
And it has nothing to do with your
accomplishments.
Or the size of your ass.
Or the size of your bank account.
It's because I am that I am.
And that's the end of the sentence.
I am worthy because I am.
And to really get to know all the
little yous inside.
Who don't believe that yet.
(23:19):
Because of certain experiences.
And peel away what she made that mean.
He left me so I must not be
good enough.
Peel away he left me.
And that's an experience.
And then we can even use like a
sentence.
Even though he left me.
I love and accept myself.
Even though I went bankrupt.
I love and accept myself.
(23:40):
And you can utilize these points of view.
And say them as a mantra.
And embody and feel the feelings.
That need to be integrated.
Until one day you get to a place.
If this becomes your spiritual practice.
When you journal.
Or walk on the beach.
Or do what have you.
No matter what.
If everybody turned against me.
(24:00):
I've even done this exercise with some of
my clients.
For some reason I see Newfoundland.
I don't know why I'm Canadian.
But like an outer on deck chair.
Sitting on these big cliffs of Newfoundland.
And what if nobody knew you existed.
Nobody signed up for your Facebook.
Nobody married you.
You lost all your money.
And you just sat there.
(24:22):
You sit there long enough.
Even if nobody knew me.
I exist.
I am worthy.
I'm a child of God.
I am one with all.
There are some beautiful deep meditative moments.
That come from some of my processes.
I take people through.
Where you rest in the everything nothingness.
Of worth.
(24:43):
And then from that place.
You're no longer motivated by fear.
Motivated by proving.
Motivated by getting.
Motivated by seeking anything.
You start to take actions because.
They delight you.
They resonate with you.
They align with you.
You're not attached to the outcome.
If it works great.
If it doesn't.
I'll try something else.
(25:03):
And you become so much more magnetic.
And so much more grateful for the small
things.
When you loosen your attachment.
And you let go of your achievements being
your worth.
And it's a I call it a journey
and a practice.
Not an epiphany moment.
Because if we don't continue to treat ourselves.
With such reverence.
(25:23):
Respect devotion.
Cherishing and worship.
To that.
To that one who is worthy because she
exists.
We'll get caught up with all the shiny
things.
That we need to accomplish to be good
enough.
So it's a journey.
And it's a practice.
And it's possible.
And allows you to be your true authentic
self.
Which is so sexy.
And oh by the way when you're that
(25:43):
way.
You tend to get the guy and all
the new clients.
Right.
Because you're not trying.
And they can feel your authenticity.
Speaking of I do want to actually talk
about.
Dating a little bit more for like.
I want to say older ladies.
But 40 and up ladies.
Because I have a lot of people in
my life.
That are now going through divorce.
Or just haven't found that special someone yet.
(26:05):
But one thing where we're talking about worth.
And like you said your accomplishments.
I know that America is a little bit
different.
Where we are defined by.
A lot of times by what we do
for a living.
Whether it's a stay at home mom.
Or I'm a banker.
I'm a personal trainer.
I'm a public speaker.
That's not who we are.
That's what we do.
How can we change our mindset.
(26:25):
From thinking about these as our.
How we define ourselves and define ourselves.
By more of I'm a kind person.
This is the energy that I put out
into the world.
I am.
I don't think a teacher.
Is necessarily a job.
I feel like people are put onto this
earth.
To share their knowledge with the world.
So how can we change that mindset?
Yeah.
(26:45):
It's from mindset to heart set.
You're never going to get there in your
mind.
Because the mind is always fear based.
Trying to accomplish something to be safe.
So completely release.
Trying to release the mind.
And come down into the heart.
Even further into the gut.
Into the hips.
Into your sacred yoni.
(27:06):
Into your beingness.
That occurs in your body.
Not in your mind.
When you're really connected to your heart.
And your soul in your hips.
A different mind comes online.
Not the strategic try to figure it out.
Not the fear based amygdala.
Better fight or flight or freeze.
There's a center place in the middle of
the pineal.
Where it turns on.
(27:27):
And it connects to the all.
And that's a different mind.
So it's actually reminding me.
I have a Patreon channel.
I just started it 2-3 months ago.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I'm very proud of it.
And in the behind the scenes.
I think what I'm going to do actually.
Is put my last match.com profile in
there.
Read it and express how I express myself.
(27:49):
Because the quality of men I attracted.
Were all attracted to my beingness.
Not my doingness.
Based on how I wrote.
So I think I'm going to share that
in there.
But basically.
Leaving the mind.
I go into my heart.
I go into my hips.
And I go into the qualities that I
value.
Now if I don't value them.
Why on earth would he?
(28:10):
Right.
Right?
So we need to spend time falling in
love with ourselves.
Valuing ourselves.
Dating ourselves.
Flirting with ourselves.
Self-pleasuring ourselves.
All the things.
So that we start to really value our
light.
Our joy.
Our expression.
Our goofiness.
Our dorkiness.
Our naughtiness.
Our sexiness.
(28:31):
Our capacity to listen.
And be tender.
And caring.
Be that soft breast for his head to
rest on.
When he had a hard day at work.
It's not what we said.
It's who we're being.
And if we can't be that for ourselves.
That intimate relationship with ourselves.
And if we don't value that within ourselves.
We're going to write a profile of all
of our accomplishments.
(28:51):
And then we're going to attract somebody.
That only values our accomplishments.
Just like my male clients complain about.
Why is she a gold digger?
And I read his profile.
And all he talks about is all of
his position.
Right?
Because he hasn't learned to value his heart.
His depth.
His presence.
His unwavering spaciousness that he holds.
When she needs a hug.
Or when she needs to vent.
(29:12):
Or just be expressed.
Right?
So this is not just a woman.
This is a male and female issue I
would say.
That we have overvalued our mind.
And we've stayed there at the mind.
Trying to fix what that's not.
What does Einstein say?
You can't fix a problem at the same
consciousness that created it.
Sounds good to me.
Something along those lines.
(29:33):
You can't learn to value your heart.
When you're looking in your mind.
For a better mindset.
You've got to drop in to your heart.
And then integrate the wounds that are there.
And that takes bravery.
Because you're going to find.
If you're anything like me.
And you're over accomplishing.
Right?
That's because inside I felt not good enough.
Right?
Or I felt my value was my body.
(29:54):
I was a model in Japan for four
years.
I thought well.
That's why my husband married me.
I was a model.
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