June 21, 2023 • 27 mins
How's your relationship with your mother?
Do you need to set up boundaries with your mom?
There are a lot of problems that can arise in relationships with parents. Depending on how well that relationship is going, there can come a time when you really need to consider how it's impacting you, your family, and others close to you.
My guest today is Abbey William a behavioral health therapist who provides families with professional assistance and writes and speaks on various parenting and mental health-related topics. She puts so much work into addressing generational trauma, exhaustion, and difficulties related to parenting identity. She is dedicated to connecting with, empowering, and supporting parents in all stages of motherhood.
In this episode, we talk about her own experience, her identity as a mother, and the loneliness that results from unhealthy relationships. Additionally, when is the best time to put a parent on "no contact" if necessary, how we set boundaries, and much more.
What we discuss:
Abbey Williams
https://youthemother.com/
https://www.instagram.com/youthemother/
Let's connect at IG and FB:
@DrKristieOverstret
Do you need to set up boundaries with your mom?
There are a lot of problems that can arise in relationships with parents. Depending on how well that relationship is going, there can come a time when you really need to consider how it's impacting you, your family, and others close to you.
My guest today is Abbey William a behavioral health therapist who provides families with professional assistance and writes and speaks on various parenting and mental health-related topics. She puts so much work into addressing generational trauma, exhaustion, and difficulties related to parenting identity. She is dedicated to connecting with, empowering, and supporting parents in all stages of motherhood.
In this episode, we talk about her own experience, her identity as a mother, and the loneliness that results from unhealthy relationships. Additionally, when is the best time to put a parent on "no contact" if necessary, how we set boundaries, and much more.
What we discuss:
- What led Abbey to social work and motherhood
- Abbey’s passion to help moms feel less alone.
- Loneliness pockets in motherhood.
- The estrangement project.
- Going no contact with a parent.
- Dealing with the messaging from society about motherhood.
- The healing journey is hard and painful.
- Coming home to yourself and honoring yourself.
- You do not have to feel guilty for walking away.
Abbey Williams
https://youthemother.com/
https://www.instagram.com/youthemother/
Let's connect at IG and FB:
@DrKristieOverstret
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Having no contact with your mom,having an unhealthy relationship with your mom so
much that you're trying to figure outdo I need to have more boundaries?
Do I need to speak up more? What is wrong with me? There's
so many issues that can come upin parenting dynamics with your parents, specifically
your mom, and it can bereally complicated relationship, and depending on the
(00:24):
health of that relationship, there mightcome a time where you've really got to
look at how it is affecting you, those around you, and your family.
That's just a little bit that we'regoing to talk about today with Abby
Williams, the founder of You theMother. The incredible thing about Abby is
she does so much work around motherhood, identity issues, burnout, estrangement,
(00:49):
and breaking generational trauma. She's committedto supporting and empowering and connecting with all
parents and all seasons of parenthood throughher podcast, You the Mother, social
media platforms, coaching, support groups, and webinars for people all around the
world. She's been featured by PopSugar, Parents, She Knows Romper,
and was named a top fifty parentingpodcast by Podcast Magazine in twenty twenty two.
(01:14):
She navigates her own blended family andco parenting life in Cincinnatio High with
her husband, four kids, andtwo sister Lambs. Abby is a behavioral
health therapist and she gives direct clinicalcare to families as well as right and
in speaking about various parenting mental healthtopics. But she is here today on
Fix Yourself First with us to discussher own journey motherhood, identity, the
(01:38):
loneliness that comes with unhealthy relationships,and when is the right time, if
needed, to have a no contactwith a parent, the way we implement
boundaries, and so much more.I'm so glad to have you here today
on Fix Yourself First. This topic, among others, is how we work
on having better relationships with ourselves andothers. I hope you take some from
(02:00):
this podcast that you can apply inyour own life or share it with a
friend or a loved one to helpthem make the changes that they need to
see. Also, send me aDM send me an email, jump on
our Facebook page let me know whatyou think about today's episode. So sit
back and relax and enjoy my conversationwith Abby. Hey y'all, and welcome
(02:25):
to the Fix Yourself First with DoctorChristie podcast. This is a show for
people who are tired of waiting onothers to change and ready to focus on
themselves in order to improve their relationships. I've learned from my personal and professional
life as a psychotherapist and relationship expertthat the only way to have a healthy
relationship was when I realize that Ihave to fix myself first, versus waiting
(02:46):
on others to change. Thank youfor listening to my show, and go
ahead and hit subscribe so you don'tmiss any future one. Now let's get
started. Hey, Andy, welcometo the show. Hi, Talctor Christy,
(03:14):
thank you for having me. It'sso good to see you again.
I'm so glad you're able to takethe time and be here with us.
Yeah, me too. I knowit's been a while since we've chatted,
so I wanted to get with you. I know you've got some incredible projects
going on now I want to talkabout and as we shared a little bit
earlier with the bio, like,you've really evolved the work you're doing.
(03:36):
So in your work, can youtell us a little bit about what led
you to the specific work in themom community and other identity issues and estrangement.
Yeah, so, I guess whatled me here was. I started
my motherhood journey when I was twentyone years old. When I had my
first he was a wonderful, butsurprise, and so I just think that
(04:01):
like coming into my motherhood journey young, I was halfway through my bachelor's degree,
I was not married, and thiswas a time. He's almost thirteen
years old now, so he thiswas a time when there wasn't Facebook mom
groups, there wasn't the internet,parenting gurus on Instagram, there was no
(04:25):
TikTok, right, and so Ihad no online place to plug into.
And I also had no peers toplug in with. None of my peers
were having children at that time either, and so my start to motherhood was
so lonely, lacked the support andthe resources that I think all moms need.
But I think definitely when you're kindof some of these outliers you really
(04:46):
need. And so I was halfwaythrough my bachelor's degree. I completed my
bachelor's I went on to get mymaster's in social work, and I just
knew that I have this passion tohelpe moms feel a little less alone,
and so I created my platform andi've since I've gone on to get married
(05:10):
I have three more children from amom afore. Now it's really loud at
my house and crazy if you're wonderingwhat four kids is like, it's loud.
And you know, I've found thatnow being kind of on this other
side of being married, better supported, maybe it's the word for it,
you still find these loneliness pockets.You know that this is kind of a
(05:33):
universal feeling of motherhood. You know, whether you're struggling with breast scading or
you're struggling with postpartum depression, you'restruggling, you know, with maybe changes
in your marriage after you bring homebaby. You know, there's so many
things that go on, especially inthat early motherhood years. But even on
(05:55):
that we just you feel like you'rethe only person in the world going through
it, you know. And Ilove that there's these spaces on the internet
now that moms can plug into.These modern moms have so much other fingertips,
and I still feel like, eventhough you still have all of this,
you still find yourself feeling those lonelinessfeelings. So that's where the birth
(06:18):
of my platform came from, wasjust really that drive and passion for wanting
to connect with other moms, supportother moms, empower them and just be
a space where you feel so seen. And then it has really evolved.
So I started my platform back intwenty nineteen. The beginning of twenty nineteen,
(06:40):
I started a podcast. I welcomeon different guests each week. I
had on doctor Christie at one pointto talk about, you know, our
sex lives and our intimacy and soyou know, I was just covering lots
of different topics, and I've reallykind of pivoted. I rebranded and all
(07:00):
guest and I really pivoted. Thepodcast is pretty much the same, but
my messaging is really around more ofthis motherhood identity piece, and I really
started including a lot of the estrangementpiece in there. I have always had
a complicated relationship with my own mother, and three and a half years ago,
(07:23):
I think about three and a halfyears ago, I went no contact
with my mother, and same kindof situation as my young motherhood right where
I didn't feel like I saw anybodyonline talking about this. I had nobody
to plug in with. I feltso alone, and that beginning of that
journey was so hard and brutal andpainful. Got lots of therapy and I
(07:49):
just knew again, but I neededto create a space for other women,
Like I knew that I wasn't theonly one going through this, you know,
you feel like it, And soI started I just really vaguely trickling
talking about it on my social mediaplatform, and those posts, it's like
(08:09):
both heartbreaking and I'm happy that theyhave found a space, but those posts
do so well and I hate seeinglike how many people are in the same
journey. But I'm so thankful thatyou have found a space to land and
feel so seen. So I starteddeveloping more spaces to talking about it.
(08:30):
I do one on one coaching aroundit now, I do support groups around
it. Now. I launched theEstrangement Project with Maggie Nick and two other
clinicians and just really you know,creating those spaces for those women who are
mothering while healing from a relationship withtheir own mother. It's so complicated.
(08:54):
Ope it, let's talk about thatfor a couple of moments. You see
it no contact? Can you showwhat that means? Yeah? So,
you know, I think that there'slots of different levels when we talk about
estrangement or difficult family dynamics. SoI think there's a lot of people and
a lot of different unique situations.So you know, I think a lot
(09:18):
of us kind of start out and, hey, this relationship is not working
for me the way it is right. For whatever reason, these behaviors that
my mother or my father, mysiblings or whoever you're in this relationship with,
they aren't serving me. They aren'thealthy for me. Maybe they're unsafe
for me, and I can't keepshowing up like this. So I think
(09:41):
most of us start by creating boundaries. Right. Maybe you come to your
family member whoever you're in this situationwith, and you say, hey,
I don't like it when you talkto me about X Y Z, or
I don't like it when you justshow up at my house un announced,
or whatever those situationtions are. AndI think that then you have like two
(10:03):
different kinds of reactions from parents,especially if it's your parents that we're talking
about. You have parents who mayberespect your boundaries and like, yeah,
of course cool, and then youhave parents who are heck, no,
I am the parent. You oweme everything because I give your life and
what I say, guess right,Maybe there's some in between. So I
(10:26):
think like we kind of have thesetwo buckets of people. So if you're
in this other bucket of unfortunately wecan't control how people show up and respond
to our boundaries, then you haveto make choices of Okay, I can
only control me, I can onlychange me. I can only be responsible
(10:48):
for me and my tiny humans.But you know I can't change other people.
So how am I going to changemyself to either maintain this relationship or
am I going to site I can'tbe in this relationship or the success And
I think a lot of us kindof dance on this line for a little
bit, maybe a limit contact maybe, or you know, maybe fall into
(11:11):
a bucket of I only see myparents on Christmas and Easter and that's it.
Maybe you create boundaries around I onlytalk to my mom once a month
instead of once a week or everyday, you know, maybe you create
better boundaries for yourself to maintain thisrelationship. And then there's some of us
(11:31):
that just have to go no contactand we no longer have that relationship with
our parents. I think that thistopic has become kind of misunderstood on the
internet a little bit, and thenI see a lot of comments or maybe
parents in this older generation who haveadult children right now We're just like,
(11:56):
what's going on with this whole generationjust cutting people off? And I want
it to be though that this isthe last resort. I haven't talked to
a single person that has gone nocontact with a parent, that hasn't tried
setting boundaries, hasn't had multiple conversations, hasn't you know, changed the way
that they're showing up? Who hasn'tcommunicated their needs? This is oftentimes years
(12:20):
of trying and trying and trying andgoing to therapy. How can I show
up in this relationship? This isyears of trying to communicate your need in
a different way, and this islike always the last resort is going to
contact with your parent, And itis horrible. It's awful. It's painful,
(12:41):
especially when it's your mother. Ithink is even more nuanced because I
just think that we're so biologically hardwiredto need and want the approval to be
seen by our mother. You justwant your mother. That's kind of like
cutting your arm off, I saya lot, you know, where it's
just super painful and for it tokind of be that extreme of I am
(13:07):
going to be healthier without my arm, you know. It's kind of where
people that are in this journey kindof get to of I can no longer
keep going the way that things aregoing. It's not healthy or safe for
me. My kids need a healthymommy. Um, maybe things are happening
around your children that you're like,hey, I'm responsible for them. I
(13:30):
need to make sure that they're insafe situations. And so it's hard to
say at least and I know alot of you tell me if this is
what you see with see a lotof guilt, with having too much gilt
about that, how do you handor what can help give some of the
(13:50):
gi Yeah, um, you knowI think that you get like this messaging
from our whole society of but she'syour other family is everything, right,
and so this is just like abig painted brush of our whole society,
the family unit. Your mother.Moms are the best moms, are superheroes,
(14:13):
the perfect moms. Right, Andthen you kind of niche down a
little bit further and you've got yourfamily of origin. You're going to get
it there too, especially if you'rein a dysfunctional family system. You know,
everybody kind of has their role inthat system. And when you become
the person that disrupts the system andyou step out and you say, you
(14:35):
know the system is not healthy andnot working. You're the crazy person,
you know, So you're going you'rethe problem. So you're going to get
guilt and shame from your family,society, and you know, who knows
who else? Right? I thinkthat that ripple effect was I know,
for me one. But I wasnot prepared for my first therapy session.
(14:56):
Ever. When I decided to gono contact with my mother, the first
thing I did was I went totherapy and I sat on that couch and
I said, how do I protectmy siblings from this? Like? How
can they just have a relationship withboth of us separately? And that was
what I was concerned about. Iwish I could go back and shake that
girl. Oh, we are nottaking care of everybody else. We're going
(15:16):
to take care of ourself for onetime. But I was not prepared for
the ripple effect that was going tohappen in my family. And you will.
You will hear that you're the problem. You're crazy, You're twisting things
that didn't happen like that. She'snot that bad, she's your mother.
You should just forgive her. She'sdone so much for you. And I
(15:39):
think that once you start on thishealing journey, it's really hard. You're
gonna those guilt and shame. It'sgoing to hurt. It's going to be
hard, and you're going to haveto come to a place of I'm gonna
get my button therapy where I'm goingto join the support groups or I'm going
to plug into the Instagram pages thatare talking about it where I can feel
see and I'm going to start beingcompassionate with me, and I'm going to
(16:03):
start on this journey of learning howto trust myself, love myself, and
know that me, I'm not goingto keep abandoning myself to keep the peace
for everybody else. It hasn't workedfor me so far. Probably your whole
life, that's what you've been doing. And I think that once you come
(16:27):
to a place of I need tostart honoring me and my needs, You're
going to see a whole different evolvein your life where you are maybe going
to lose some other relationships like thatropel fact that I was talking about,
and the people that start showing upin your life. When you start becoming
(16:47):
this healthier version of yourself, it'sso much more beautiful On the other side,
you are able to be a betterversion of yourself in your partnership,
in your motherhood, with your friends, and you know, you start creating
this family that you've chosen instead ofthe one that you were born into.
And there is just so much healingon this other side. There's a lot
(17:11):
of brutal stuff. I think thatwe talk about like healing journeys on the
internet, and it's like, ohmy gosh, I'm so healed. I'm
like wonder going. I'm like greatover here. It's a brutal walk because
it's like walking through a fire.And I never want to like sugarcoat that
for people because I who just feellike, am I doing it wrong?
(17:32):
I must be not doing the rightthing if it's this hard, No,
it's it's really that hard. Ofcourse it's hard. You are doing the
hardest thing you'll ever have to do. But I just think that kind of
coming home to yourself and honoring myselfand trusting myself has made all the difference
in that guilt and shame. It'smoved me from a place of I did.
(17:55):
I had so much guilt and shameand it became almost dangerous for me,
and beginning of my estrangement where youjust feel like I am such a
problem. Then you start having somedeep dark thoughts. There so lots of
therapy, but once you kind ofget to this place of I'm not the
reason for this estrangement, and Ithink like that shift is so powerful because
(18:22):
how many years did you sit thereand try and communicate your needs to stay
in that relationship. How many yearswere you abandoning yourself to please this family
system that isn't healthy. How manyyears were you giving and not receiving.
How many years were you falling intopeople pleasing tendencies overworking yourself. You know,
all these like trauma responses that you'veadapted that we're not serving you so
(18:47):
that you could serve a family systemthat also was not serving you. So
I think, you know, onceyou move into this place and make that
shift of I'm not the one thatcreated the reason for this estrangement, you
can walk away from that guilt.I just repeat that. That's really powerful.
I'm not the one the reason forthis estrangement. This was not you,
(19:11):
This was not you. I thinkso many of us have said,
hey, when you say this tome, it makes me feel like this,
Hey, when you do this.It makes me feel like this,
and when you're just not being respectedor seen or valued in your family's system,
that wasn't you. And you donot have to feel guilt and shame
(19:32):
for walking away from something that wasnot healthy for you. It's just mind
blowing to me that this is theonly relationships that we do this. Yes,
you know, if you were ina marriage where your husband or your
wife or your partner was treating youthis way, your friends would be rallying
around you and saying, Christy,what the heck are you doing that?
(19:55):
Get out? What's wrong with you? Yeah, maybe you're shaken. You're
like girl, you know. Andit's just mind blowing that the narrative is
but she's your mother and not butshe's your child. It's mind blowing that
the narrative is but she's done somuch for you and not. I can't
(20:15):
believe you. I can't imagine howmuch you've gone through to make that impossible
decision to walk away. Those shouldbe the conversations that are had with you.
Those are the things that should besaid to you, and I'm so
sorry if they're not. But youdo not have to feel guilty for walking
away from anything that's unhealthy for you. Yeah, those expectations that you put
(20:37):
on yourself. That's Will said.It's as you when you look at that
dynamic of how we treat things differentlyfriendship wise versus well, they're apparent.
That's why, right, as ifit's that expectation. Let's talk a little
bit about the Estrangement Project, whatthat is and how we can learn more.
(20:59):
Yeah, so I created I cofounded the Estrangement Project with Meggie Nick.
We brought on doctor Michelle Deering andMICHAELA. Tyson. All four of
us are kind of in this spaceof creating and experts and clinicians around you
know, whoever received training around thistopic. But we also are all four
(21:23):
on the same journey, and Ithink that that brings such a unique element
to this project of you will justfeel so seen. It's just like we
call it like a love bubble becauseit's just like this big, warm hug.
But I just wish, like hadI seen four experts talking, you
(21:44):
know, not only from the lensof you know, their expertise, but
also from their personal experience. ButI had seen for women doing that at
the beginning of my healing journey,but at the beginning of my estrangement.
My life would be completely different,you know, it would have been a
lot less messy and a lot lessalone. But there's fifteen videos in it,
(22:06):
you know that will just make youfeel so seen. There's videos on
how to move forward, how tohave conversations with your children, how to
feel less shame, and it's justamazing. It's probably one of the coolest
things I've ever done in my career. So we have these fifteen videos.
(22:26):
It goes live again right around Mother'sMother's Day. We just had our first
launch back in January, and thefeedback has just been so amazing. I'm
just like, I feel so seen. I just needed to hear these things
(22:47):
and just really understanding why your mothercan't be the mother that you need,
why it's not you, the guiltand the shame, how to have conversations,
how to manage some of these trickyripple of fact family stuff. So
you will feel so seen, butyou will also get so many great takeaways
from it. And then we alsolike to go along with the Estrangement Project.
(23:11):
We just launched the Estrangement Project Retreat, which we're going on in November
of this year and are going toCosta Rica. There's only eight thoughts,
but it is going to be solife changing and we're going to have amazing
adventures, and we're also going tohave these amazing workshops a part of the
(23:33):
retreat where we're healing the inner childand working on the mother wound and just
moving it forward in our healing journeytogether. You don't have to do it
alone anymore because it is lonely.Yes, and I'm glad you're doing this
and y'all found a way to putthis together to help more people and to
serve because it's really really incredible workand how can we learn more about that?
(23:59):
We'll definitely put them national episode page. But if someone's listening right now
after the show, what can Ido? Yeah, So you can find
the Estrangement Project right now. Youcan download are the free version. There's
a free twenty minute video to kindof get a little taste test of what
the full workshop is, and that'sat the Estrangement project dot com. You
can also find everything on my Instagramis where I live the most, and
(24:25):
that's you the Mother, and thenI also have a lot of the things
that we've talked about on my websiteyou the Mother dot Com. Thank you
so much for sharing that. We'llmake sure everyone's link there. So if
this is resonating with you as you'rehere in this, please go connect with
Abby and the work with the project. It's really incredible. And one last
(24:45):
thought, Abby, for someone thatthis is really resonating with VM, what
would you tell them right now inthe moment if they're finding themselves on this
journey. Yeah, just to begentle with you. And then it is
not you. You know, itis not you. That you probably feel
crazy and you go through all kindsof different complicated emotions, especially at the
(25:07):
beginning, and you are probably receivinga lot of gaslighting from other people,
and sometimes we gaslight ourselves. I'vebeen there. I'm going to raise my
hand. It is not you andyou deserve to be at peace. I
love that. Thank you again,Abbe for being on the show. We'd
love to hold you on again soonto talk more about it. And everyone
(25:30):
go make sure you connect with Abbeyon Instagram if you're not yet, and
then make sure you check out thisStrangement project. Abby. Thanks again.
Thanks. Now that was a conversation. Right. Let's say you have a
really healthy relationship with mom. Goodfor you. I do two. I'm
very fortunate to have a really incrediblemother, but not everybody has that experiences,
and I bet you have a friendor a loved one who could really
(25:52):
use this podcast to help them buildthat healthy relationship for themselves and others.
So be sure to share it withsend me a DM on Instagram or Facebook,
or just send me over an email. Let me know what you thought
about today or any of the episodes, and let me know what you want
to hear more about. Again,your time is precious, so I'm really
appreciative that you chose this to spendhere with us. Thanks so much and
(26:15):
look forward to talking to you nexttime. Thanks for listening to my show.
Your support means the world to remember. You can always be a guest
(26:37):
on the show to get your questionsanswered, or you can email me your
questions on my website. If youenjoyed the show, please consider giving it
a review on iTunes and downloading allthe episodes. You can access all the
information I discussed today in the shownotes at Christieverstreet dot com. Slash podcast
Until next time than the
Having no contact with your mom,having an unhealthy relationship with your mom so
much that you're trying to figure outdo I need to have more boundaries?
Do I need to speak up more? What is wrong with me? There's
so many issues that can come upin parenting dynamics with your parents, specifically
your mom, and it can bereally complicated relationship, and depending on the
(00:24):
health of that relationship, there mightcome a time where you've really got to
look at how it is affecting you, those around you, and your family.
That's just a little bit that we'regoing to talk about today with Abby
Williams, the founder of You theMother. The incredible thing about Abby is
she does so much work around motherhood, identity issues, burnout, estrangement,
(00:49):
and breaking generational trauma. She's committedto supporting and empowering and connecting with all
parents and all seasons of parenthood throughher podcast, You the Mother, social
media platforms, coaching, support groups, and webinars for people all around the
world. She's been featured by PopSugar, Parents, She Knows Romper,
and was named a top fifty parentingpodcast by Podcast Magazine in twenty twenty two.
(01:14):
She navigates her own blended family andco parenting life in Cincinnatio High with
her husband, four kids, andtwo sister Lambs. Abby is a behavioral
health therapist and she gives direct clinicalcare to families as well as right and
in speaking about various parenting mental healthtopics. But she is here today on
Fix Yourself First with us to discussher own journey motherhood, identity, the
(01:38):
loneliness that comes with unhealthy relationships,and when is the right time, if
needed, to have a no contactwith a parent, the way we implement
boundaries, and so much more.I'm so glad to have you here today
on Fix Yourself First. This topic, among others, is how we work
on having better relationships with ourselves andothers. I hope you take some from
(02:00):
this podcast that you can apply inyour own life or share it with a
friend or a loved one to helpthem make the changes that they need to
see. Also, send me aDM send me an email, jump on
our Facebook page let me know whatyou think about today's episode. So sit
back and relax and enjoy my conversationwith Abby. Hey y'all, and welcome
(02:25):
to the Fix Yourself First with DoctorChristie podcast. This is a show for
people who are tired of waiting onothers to change and ready to focus on
themselves in order to improve their relationships. I've learned from my personal and professional
life as a psychotherapist and relationship expertthat the only way to have a healthy
relationship was when I realize that Ihave to fix myself first, versus waiting
(02:46):
on others to change. Thank youfor listening to my show, and go
ahead and hit subscribe so you don'tmiss any future one. Now let's get
started. Hey, Andy, welcometo the show. Hi, Talctor Christy,
(03:14):
thank you for having me. It'sso good to see you again.
I'm so glad you're able to takethe time and be here with us.
Yeah, me too. I knowit's been a while since we've chatted,
so I wanted to get with you. I know you've got some incredible projects
going on now I want to talkabout and as we shared a little bit
earlier with the bio, like,you've really evolved the work you're doing.
(03:36):
So in your work, can youtell us a little bit about what led
you to the specific work in themom community and other identity issues and estrangement.
Yeah, so, I guess whatled me here was. I started
my motherhood journey when I was twentyone years old. When I had my
first he was a wonderful, butsurprise, and so I just think that
(04:01):
like coming into my motherhood journey young, I was halfway through my bachelor's degree,
I was not married, and thiswas a time. He's almost thirteen
years old now, so he thiswas a time when there wasn't Facebook mom
groups, there wasn't the internet,parenting gurus on Instagram, there was no
(04:25):
TikTok, right, and so Ihad no online place to plug into.
And I also had no peers toplug in with. None of my peers
were having children at that time either, and so my start to motherhood was
so lonely, lacked the support andthe resources that I think all moms need.
But I think definitely when you're kindof some of these outliers you really
(04:46):
need. And so I was halfwaythrough my bachelor's degree. I completed my
bachelor's I went on to get mymaster's in social work, and I just
knew that I have this passion tohelpe moms feel a little less alone,
and so I created my platform andi've since I've gone on to get married
(05:10):
I have three more children from amom afore. Now it's really loud at
my house and crazy if you're wonderingwhat four kids is like, it's loud.
And you know, I've found thatnow being kind of on this other
side of being married, better supported, maybe it's the word for it,
you still find these loneliness pockets.You know that this is kind of a
(05:33):
universal feeling of motherhood. You know, whether you're struggling with breast scading or
you're struggling with postpartum depression, you'restruggling, you know, with maybe changes
in your marriage after you bring homebaby. You know, there's so many
things that go on, especially inthat early motherhood years. But even on
(05:55):
that we just you feel like you'rethe only person in the world going through
it, you know. And Ilove that there's these spaces on the internet
now that moms can plug into.These modern moms have so much other fingertips,
and I still feel like, eventhough you still have all of this,
you still find yourself feeling those lonelinessfeelings. So that's where the birth
(06:18):
of my platform came from, wasjust really that drive and passion for wanting
to connect with other moms, supportother moms, empower them and just be
a space where you feel so seen. And then it has really evolved.
So I started my platform back intwenty nineteen. The beginning of twenty nineteen,
(06:40):
I started a podcast. I welcomeon different guests each week. I
had on doctor Christie at one pointto talk about, you know, our
sex lives and our intimacy and soyou know, I was just covering lots
of different topics, and I've reallykind of pivoted. I rebranded and all
(07:00):
guest and I really pivoted. Thepodcast is pretty much the same, but
my messaging is really around more ofthis motherhood identity piece, and I really
started including a lot of the estrangementpiece in there. I have always had
a complicated relationship with my own mother, and three and a half years ago,
(07:23):
I think about three and a halfyears ago, I went no contact
with my mother, and same kindof situation as my young motherhood right where
I didn't feel like I saw anybodyonline talking about this. I had nobody
to plug in with. I feltso alone, and that beginning of that
journey was so hard and brutal andpainful. Got lots of therapy and I
(07:49):
just knew again, but I neededto create a space for other women,
Like I knew that I wasn't theonly one going through this, you know,
you feel like it, And soI started I just really vaguely trickling
talking about it on my social mediaplatform, and those posts, it's like
(08:09):
both heartbreaking and I'm happy that theyhave found a space, but those posts
do so well and I hate seeinglike how many people are in the same
journey. But I'm so thankful thatyou have found a space to land and
feel so seen. So I starteddeveloping more spaces to talking about it.
(08:30):
I do one on one coaching aroundit now, I do support groups around
it. Now. I launched theEstrangement Project with Maggie Nick and two other
clinicians and just really you know,creating those spaces for those women who are
mothering while healing from a relationship withtheir own mother. It's so complicated.
(08:54):
Ope it, let's talk about thatfor a couple of moments. You see
it no contact? Can you showwhat that means? Yeah? So,
you know, I think that there'slots of different levels when we talk about
estrangement or difficult family dynamics. SoI think there's a lot of people and
a lot of different unique situations.So you know, I think a lot
(09:18):
of us kind of start out and, hey, this relationship is not working
for me the way it is right. For whatever reason, these behaviors that
my mother or my father, mysiblings or whoever you're in this relationship with,
they aren't serving me. They aren'thealthy for me. Maybe they're unsafe
for me, and I can't keepshowing up like this. So I think
(09:41):
most of us start by creating boundaries. Right. Maybe you come to your
family member whoever you're in this situationwith, and you say, hey,
I don't like it when you talkto me about X Y Z, or
I don't like it when you justshow up at my house un announced,
or whatever those situationtions are. AndI think that then you have like two
(10:03):
different kinds of reactions from parents,especially if it's your parents that we're talking
about. You have parents who mayberespect your boundaries and like, yeah,
of course cool, and then youhave parents who are heck, no,
I am the parent. You oweme everything because I give your life and
what I say, guess right,Maybe there's some in between. So I
(10:26):
think like we kind of have thesetwo buckets of people. So if you're
in this other bucket of unfortunately wecan't control how people show up and respond
to our boundaries, then you haveto make choices of Okay, I can
only control me, I can onlychange me. I can only be responsible
(10:48):
for me and my tiny humans.But you know I can't change other people.
So how am I going to changemyself to either maintain this relationship or
am I going to site I can'tbe in this relationship or the success And
I think a lot of us kindof dance on this line for a little
bit, maybe a limit contact maybe, or you know, maybe fall into
(11:11):
a bucket of I only see myparents on Christmas and Easter and that's it.
Maybe you create boundaries around I onlytalk to my mom once a month
instead of once a week or everyday, you know, maybe you create
better boundaries for yourself to maintain thisrelationship. And then there's some of us
(11:31):
that just have to go no contactand we no longer have that relationship with
our parents. I think that thistopic has become kind of misunderstood on the
internet a little bit, and thenI see a lot of comments or maybe
parents in this older generation who haveadult children right now We're just like,
(11:56):
what's going on with this whole generationjust cutting people off? And I want
it to be though that this isthe last resort. I haven't talked to
a single person that has gone nocontact with a parent, that hasn't tried
setting boundaries, hasn't had multiple conversations, hasn't you know, changed the way
that they're showing up? Who hasn'tcommunicated their needs? This is oftentimes years
(12:20):
of trying and trying and trying andgoing to therapy. How can I show
up in this relationship? This isyears of trying to communicate your need in
a different way, and this islike always the last resort is going to
contact with your parent, And itis horrible. It's awful. It's painful,
(12:41):
especially when it's your mother. Ithink is even more nuanced because I
just think that we're so biologically hardwiredto need and want the approval to be
seen by our mother. You justwant your mother. That's kind of like
cutting your arm off, I saya lot, you know, where it's
just super painful and for it tokind of be that extreme of I am
(13:07):
going to be healthier without my arm, you know. It's kind of where
people that are in this journey kindof get to of I can no longer
keep going the way that things aregoing. It's not healthy or safe for
me. My kids need a healthymommy. Um, maybe things are happening
around your children that you're like,hey, I'm responsible for them. I
(13:30):
need to make sure that they're insafe situations. And so it's hard to
say at least and I know alot of you tell me if this is
what you see with see a lotof guilt, with having too much gilt
about that, how do you handor what can help give some of the
(13:50):
gi Yeah, um, you knowI think that you get like this messaging
from our whole society of but she'syour other family is everything, right,
and so this is just like abig painted brush of our whole society,
the family unit. Your mother.Moms are the best moms, are superheroes,
(14:13):
the perfect moms. Right, Andthen you kind of niche down a
little bit further and you've got yourfamily of origin. You're going to get
it there too, especially if you'rein a dysfunctional family system. You know,
everybody kind of has their role inthat system. And when you become
the person that disrupts the system andyou step out and you say, you
(14:35):
know the system is not healthy andnot working. You're the crazy person,
you know, So you're going you'rethe problem. So you're going to get
guilt and shame from your family,society, and you know, who knows
who else? Right? I thinkthat that ripple effect was I know,
for me one. But I wasnot prepared for my first therapy session.
(14:56):
Ever. When I decided to gono contact with my mother, the first
thing I did was I went totherapy and I sat on that couch and
I said, how do I protectmy siblings from this? Like? How
can they just have a relationship withboth of us separately? And that was
what I was concerned about. Iwish I could go back and shake that
girl. Oh, we are nottaking care of everybody else. We're going
(15:16):
to take care of ourself for onetime. But I was not prepared for
the ripple effect that was going tohappen in my family. And you will.
You will hear that you're the problem. You're crazy, You're twisting things
that didn't happen like that. She'snot that bad, she's your mother.
You should just forgive her. She'sdone so much for you. And I
(15:39):
think that once you start on thishealing journey, it's really hard. You're
gonna those guilt and shame. It'sgoing to hurt. It's going to be
hard, and you're going to haveto come to a place of I'm gonna
get my button therapy where I'm goingto join the support groups or I'm going
to plug into the Instagram pages thatare talking about it where I can feel
see and I'm going to start beingcompassionate with me, and I'm going to
(16:03):
start on this journey of learning howto trust myself, love myself, and
know that me, I'm not goingto keep abandoning myself to keep the peace
for everybody else. It hasn't workedfor me so far. Probably your whole
life, that's what you've been doing. And I think that once you come
(16:27):
to a place of I need tostart honoring me and my needs, You're
going to see a whole different evolvein your life where you are maybe going
to lose some other relationships like thatropel fact that I was talking about,
and the people that start showing upin your life. When you start becoming
(16:47):
this healthier version of yourself, it'sso much more beautiful On the other side,
you are able to be a betterversion of yourself in your partnership,
in your motherhood, with your friends, and you know, you start creating
this family that you've chosen instead ofthe one that you were born into.
And there is just so much healingon this other side. There's a lot
(17:11):
of brutal stuff. I think thatwe talk about like healing journeys on the
internet, and it's like, ohmy gosh, I'm so healed. I'm
like wonder going. I'm like greatover here. It's a brutal walk because
it's like walking through a fire.And I never want to like sugarcoat that
for people because I who just feellike, am I doing it wrong?
(17:32):
I must be not doing the rightthing if it's this hard, No,
it's it's really that hard. Ofcourse it's hard. You are doing the
hardest thing you'll ever have to do. But I just think that kind of
coming home to yourself and honoring myselfand trusting myself has made all the difference
in that guilt and shame. It'smoved me from a place of I did.
(17:55):
I had so much guilt and shameand it became almost dangerous for me,
and beginning of my estrangement where youjust feel like I am such a
problem. Then you start having somedeep dark thoughts. There so lots of
therapy, but once you kind ofget to this place of I'm not the
reason for this estrangement, and Ithink like that shift is so powerful because
(18:22):
how many years did you sit thereand try and communicate your needs to stay
in that relationship. How many yearswere you abandoning yourself to please this family
system that isn't healthy. How manyyears were you giving and not receiving.
How many years were you falling intopeople pleasing tendencies overworking yourself. You know,
all these like trauma responses that you'veadapted that we're not serving you so
(18:47):
that you could serve a family systemthat also was not serving you. So
I think, you know, onceyou move into this place and make that
shift of I'm not the one thatcreated the reason for this estrangement, you
can walk away from that guilt.I just repeat that. That's really powerful.
I'm not the one the reason forthis estrangement. This was not you,
(19:11):
This was not you. I thinkso many of us have said,
hey, when you say this tome, it makes me feel like this,
Hey, when you do this.It makes me feel like this,
and when you're just not being respectedor seen or valued in your family's system,
that wasn't you. And you donot have to feel guilt and shame
(19:32):
for walking away from something that wasnot healthy for you. It's just mind
blowing to me that this is theonly relationships that we do this. Yes,
you know, if you were ina marriage where your husband or your
wife or your partner was treating youthis way, your friends would be rallying
around you and saying, Christy,what the heck are you doing that?
(19:55):
Get out? What's wrong with you? Yeah, maybe you're shaken. You're
like girl, you know. Andit's just mind blowing that the narrative is
but she's your mother and not butshe's your child. It's mind blowing that
the narrative is but she's done somuch for you and not. I can't
(20:15):
believe you. I can't imagine howmuch you've gone through to make that impossible
decision to walk away. Those shouldbe the conversations that are had with you.
Those are the things that should besaid to you, and I'm so
sorry if they're not. But youdo not have to feel guilty for walking
away from anything that's unhealthy for you. Yeah, those expectations that you put
(20:37):
on yourself. That's Will said.It's as you when you look at that
dynamic of how we treat things differentlyfriendship wise versus well, they're apparent.
That's why, right, as ifit's that expectation. Let's talk a little
bit about the Estrangement Project, whatthat is and how we can learn more.
(20:59):
Yeah, so I created I cofounded the Estrangement Project with Meggie Nick.
We brought on doctor Michelle Deering andMICHAELA. Tyson. All four of
us are kind of in this spaceof creating and experts and clinicians around you
know, whoever received training around thistopic. But we also are all four
(21:23):
on the same journey, and Ithink that that brings such a unique element
to this project of you will justfeel so seen. It's just like we
call it like a love bubble becauseit's just like this big, warm hug.
But I just wish, like hadI seen four experts talking, you
(21:44):
know, not only from the lensof you know, their expertise, but
also from their personal experience. ButI had seen for women doing that at
the beginning of my healing journey,but at the beginning of my estrangement.
My life would be completely different,you know, it would have been a
lot less messy and a lot lessalone. But there's fifteen videos in it,
(22:06):
you know that will just make youfeel so seen. There's videos on
how to move forward, how tohave conversations with your children, how to
feel less shame, and it's justamazing. It's probably one of the coolest
things I've ever done in my career. So we have these fifteen videos.
(22:26):
It goes live again right around Mother'sMother's Day. We just had our first
launch back in January, and thefeedback has just been so amazing. I'm
just like, I feel so seen. I just needed to hear these things
(22:47):
and just really understanding why your mothercan't be the mother that you need,
why it's not you, the guiltand the shame, how to have conversations,
how to manage some of these trickyripple of fact family stuff. So
you will feel so seen, butyou will also get so many great takeaways
from it. And then we alsolike to go along with the Estrangement Project.
(23:11):
We just launched the Estrangement Project Retreat, which we're going on in November
of this year and are going toCosta Rica. There's only eight thoughts,
but it is going to be solife changing and we're going to have amazing
adventures, and we're also going tohave these amazing workshops a part of the
(23:33):
retreat where we're healing the inner childand working on the mother wound and just
moving it forward in our healing journeytogether. You don't have to do it
alone anymore because it is lonely.Yes, and I'm glad you're doing this
and y'all found a way to putthis together to help more people and to
serve because it's really really incredible workand how can we learn more about that?
(23:59):
We'll definitely put them national episode page. But if someone's listening right now
after the show, what can Ido? Yeah, So you can find
the Estrangement Project right now. Youcan download are the free version. There's
a free twenty minute video to kindof get a little taste test of what
the full workshop is, and that'sat the Estrangement project dot com. You
can also find everything on my Instagramis where I live the most, and
(24:25):
that's you the Mother, and thenI also have a lot of the things
that we've talked about on my websiteyou the Mother dot Com. Thank you
so much for sharing that. We'llmake sure everyone's link there. So if
this is resonating with you as you'rehere in this, please go connect with
Abby and the work with the project. It's really incredible. And one last
(24:45):
thought, Abby, for someone thatthis is really resonating with VM, what
would you tell them right now inthe moment if they're finding themselves on this
journey. Yeah, just to begentle with you. And then it is
not you. You know, itis not you. That you probably feel
crazy and you go through all kindsof different complicated emotions, especially at the
(25:07):
beginning, and you are probably receivinga lot of gaslighting from other people,
and sometimes we gaslight ourselves. I'vebeen there. I'm going to raise my
hand. It is not you andyou deserve to be at peace. I
love that. Thank you again,Abbe for being on the show. We'd
love to hold you on again soonto talk more about it. And everyone
(25:30):
go make sure you connect with Abbeyon Instagram if you're not yet, and
then make sure you check out thisStrangement project. Abby. Thanks again.
Thanks. Now that was a conversation. Right. Let's say you have a
really healthy relationship with mom. Goodfor you. I do two. I'm
very fortunate to have a really incrediblemother, but not everybody has that experiences,
and I bet you have a friendor a loved one who could really
(25:52):
use this podcast to help them buildthat healthy relationship for themselves and others.
So be sure to share it withsend me a DM on Instagram or Facebook,
or just send me over an email. Let me know what you thought
about today or any of the episodes, and let me know what you want
to hear more about. Again,your time is precious, so I'm really
appreciative that you chose this to spendhere with us. Thanks so much and
(26:15):
look forward to talking to you nexttime. Thanks for listening to my show.
Your support means the world to remember. You can always be a guest
(26:37):
on the show to get your questionsanswered, or you can email me your
questions on my website. If youenjoyed the show, please consider giving it
a review on iTunes and downloading allthe episodes. You can access all the
information I discussed today in the shownotes at Christieverstreet dot com. Slash podcast
Until next time than the
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
My Favorite Murder with Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark
My Favorite Murder is a true crime comedy podcast hosted by Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark. Each week, Karen and Georgia share compelling true crimes and hometown stories from friends and listeners. Since MFM launched in January of 2016, Karen and Georgia have shared their lifelong interest in true crime and have covered stories of infamous serial killers like the Night Stalker, mysterious cold cases, captivating cults, incredible survivor stories and important events from history like the Tulsa race massacre of 1921. My Favorite Murder is part of the Exactly Right podcast network that provides a platform for bold, creative voices to bring to life provocative, entertaining and relatable stories for audiences everywhere. The Exactly Right roster of podcasts covers a variety of topics including historic true crime, comedic interviews and news, science, pop culture and more. Podcasts on the network include Buried Bones with Kate Winkler Dawson and Paul Holes, That's Messed Up: An SVU Podcast, This Podcast Will Kill You, Bananas and more.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.