September 19, 2024 • 32 mins
In this week's episode, we delve into the concept of Mother Wounds, highlighting the deep emotional, mental, and spiritual trauma that can arise from inadequate maternal support and love. This trauma can result in low self-esteem, attachment issues, and emotional challenges, which may persist across generations, affecting self-identity and relationships. Healing involves recognizing these impacts, employing therapy, self-reflection, and fostering supportive relationships to encourage personal growth. Critical strategies for healing include practicing self-compassion, setting boundaries, expressing emotions, and reparenting oneself. Additionally, practices like mindfulness, meditation, and celebrating progress can significantly aid in managing emotional triggers and nurturing inner well-being.
Key takeaways:
- Mother wounds can lead to issues like low self-esteem, attachment problems, and emotional struggles. - Healing involves acknowledging the impacts of mother wounds and addressing them through therapy, self-reflection, and supportive relationships. - Manifestations of mother wounds include low self-esteem, people-pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries, and emotional suppression. - Therapy is recommended for healing mother wounds as it can provide valuable insights, coping strategies, and new tools for personal growth. - Expressing emotions is crucial for processing and releasing pent-up emotions to avoid adverse health outcomes.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I'm Makini Smith. After going through a divorce, my
sister passing away, experiencing narcissistic abuse, and some significant
health scares, I realized through sharing my story that
I wasn't alone in my suffering. Suffering subjective distress
generated by the experience of being out of balance
in a deep dive to holistically heal mind, body
(00:21):
and soul, is where I discovered peace, clarity and
connection. It is impossible to be truly wise without
some real life hardship, and we cannot develop post
traumatic wisdom without making it through, and most importantly,
through it together. Social connection builds resilience, and resilience
(00:43):
helps create post traumatic wisdom. And that wisdom leads
to hope. Hope for you and others witnessing and
participating in your healing and hope for your community.
A healthy community is a healing community. And a
healing community is full of hope because it has
seen its own people weather, survive, and thrive.
(01:22):
Welcome back to the Heal her podcast. Today's episode
is going to be a solo episode because I
feel like we need a disclaimer or a preface
to some of our upcoming episodes just to give
you guys a greater understanding. I have been having
a lot of conversations with women in my network,
(01:43):
with women that have been on the podcast. It's
just been a common conversation about mother wounds. And,
you know, it's a running joke in some of
my friendship circles about our mother wounds. And it's,
you know, a running joke, but also it's a
(02:06):
serious matter. And I feel like because it's become
such a common conversation around the women that I
know, and I'm seeing it a lot online before
I share some of our upcoming episodes where women
are speaking about their mother wounds and how they
(02:27):
are working through those things, I felt like it
was necessary to have an episode explaining and digging
deeper into what mother wounds actually are, how they're
created, and how we can heal them.
So let's jump right in. So, you know, our
(02:49):
mothers mold us, often physically in the room, you
know, through. Well, you know, actually, there's. There's many
types of mothers we could have, adoptive mothers. We
can have, you know, stepmothers. There's all different types
of mothers, but often physically in the womb.
(03:10):
And then emotionally, through our interactions, our mothers can
mold us. So what happens if a mom isn't
there for you emotionally? According to some psychoanalysts, researchers,
and other theorists, the so called mother wound occurs.
(03:32):
So let's dig into what is a mother wound?
The mother wound often refers to the emotional, mental,
and spiritual trauma that can result from a lack
of sufficient love, support, or emotional connection from a
mother figure. So this type of attachment trauma can
(03:55):
manifest in various ways, including a diminished self esteem,
attachment issues, and emotional difficulties.
It can also be a collective injury passed down
through generations, often affecting women due to societal pressures
and ancestral experiences such as abuse, neglect, marginalization, and
(04:18):
healing. The mother wound typically involves self care, therapy
and creative expression to address and mend these deep
seated emotional scars. So, in summary, the definition of
a mother wound is an emotional pain passed down
from mother to child.
Let's. I mean, let's unpack that. You know, it
(04:41):
says that a mother wound can be something passed
down generationally. It can be, you know, affected through
societal pressures or abuse, neglect, or marginalization. And I
feel like in a lot of black communities, african,
west indian, wherever you're from in the world, there's
(05:02):
a lot of things that are considered normal, but
are actually traumatic. And we've talked about this on
the podcast for other issues, but there's a lot
of memes and comedic jokes and things online that
we see culturally about the black mother or the
(05:29):
west indian mother or the african mother in terms
of how they handle things.
And to each their own. Obviously, you know, everyone
is allowed or entitled to live how they want
to live, but it's not always healthy. So let's
talk about who typically experiences the mother wound. So,
(05:53):
children, usually daughters, but sometimes sons, are said to
experience the mother wound if their mother provided support
by taking care of the physical needs of the
child, but didn't give love, care, or security. They're
said to experience the mother wound if their mother
didn't provide empathy, to mirror the child's emotions and
(06:17):
help them label and, and manage those emotions. If
the mother didn't allow the child to express negative
emotions, if the mother was extra critical, if the
mother expected the child's support with their own physical
or emotional needs, if the mother wasn't available to
the child either because they had to work or
(06:41):
because they were busy with their own interest.
You know, we know that mothers obviously have to
work. And even working single moms, it doesn't mean
that they've instilled a mother wound onto your child.
So this episode isn't about guilting. Moms are making
moms feel shame. But it's also said that if
(07:03):
the mother had suffered emotional or physical abuse themselves
and didn't process that trauma and they were able
to, unable to offer love and nurture to their
child. Someone can experience a mother wound if their
(07:24):
mother had untreated mental health conditions, if their mother
experienced alcoholism or drug addiction. There's so many ways
that someone can experience a mother wound, and it
doesn't mean that it was intentional.
You know, we can have the greatest intentions and
(07:46):
it not have the impact that we want it
to. And again, I want to give a disclaimer.
This episode is not about shaming moms. I'm a
mother of three, and I'm sure that my kids
will one day be sitting on a therapist's couch
unpacking, probably their earlier childhood before I started my
healing journey. So this isn't about shaming moms, but
(08:06):
it's about addressing mother wounds and how they're created
and how they affect us. Like I said, both
daughters and sons can experience the mother wound. The
mother wound is not a specific diagnosis, and although
it can hurt so much that we're sure it
warrants one. While both daughters and sons can feel
(08:31):
the impact of the under mothering that leads to
the mother wound, it's typically considered a mother daughter
wound.
So thanks to psychologist Mary Ainsworth and her attachment
theory, we know that the trust a mother instills
in childhood positively affects the child's present and future
relationships. Meaning a child who acquires the mother wound
(08:55):
is most likely to perpetuate this type of relationship
with their children. I read a couple years ago
when I started my healing journey. I read the
book called attached, and it helped me to understand
our adult attachment styles, you know, how we connect
(09:18):
with others in our adult life based on our
childhood experiences.
And there are a few types of attachment styles,
and I'll cover that in a future episode. But
there's like, avoidant attachment style, there's secure attachment style,
there's anxious attachment style, and there can be like
(09:41):
a mix where someone can be a secure anxious,
or someone can be, you know, anxious, avoidant, all
those things. So I do recommend that you take
the test and figure out what your attachment style
is based on your upbringing, because it's helpful in
how we function and operate in our relationships today,
(10:02):
in our responses today. So a mother wound can
manifest in various ways, often affecting different aspects of
a person's life. So some common manifestations include one,
low self esteem, feeling unworthy or not good enough,
often stemming from a lack of validation and support
(10:24):
during childhood.
Two, people pleasing constantly seeking approval from others, and
putting a your needs or their needs above your
own due to the fear of rejection or abandonment.
I'm a recovering people pleaser, so I get this
one. Three, difficulty setting boundaries. You know, struggling to
(10:45):
say no or establishing healthy limits in relationships can
lead to feeling overwhelmed or even taken advantage of.
Four, attachment issues. Experiencing anxiety or insecurity in relationships,
often fearing, abandonment, or being overly dependent on others
(11:06):
for emotional support.
Five, perfectionism. Striving for unattainable standards to gain approval
or avoid criticism can lead to chronic stress and
burnout. Six, emotional suppression, having difficulty expressing or recognizing
your emotions, often because emotional expression was discouraged or
(11:28):
invalidated. Seven, self sabotage, engaging in behaviors that undermine
your own success or happiness, often unconsciously due to
deep seated feelings of unworthiness. So seven, common manifestations
that mother wounds can cause is low self esteem,
(11:51):
people pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries, attachment issues, perfectionism, emotional
suppression, and self sabotage. So these manifestations can vary
in intensity and may be influenced by other factors
such as your personal experience or additional traumas. But
(12:12):
healing often involves recognizing these patterns, seeking therapy, and
practicing self compassion and self care. So, in summary,
the manifestation of a mother wound can create low
self worth, fear of rejection perfectionism.
(12:37):
It creates a difficulty forming secure attachments or setting
boundaries. And there's an impact on our personal growth
from the mother wound that can be profound and
multifaceted. Here are some key areas areas where it
can have a significant effect. One, your self identity.
(13:00):
Struggling with a clear sense of self can hinder
personal growth. The mother wound can lead to confusion
about one's identity and values making pursuing individual goals
and aspirations challenging. Two, emotional health. Unresolved emotional trauma
can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and depression.
(13:22):
These emotional challenges can impede one's ability to grow
and thrive in various aspects of their life. I
know for one, I have struggled with an autoimmune
disorder, fibromyalgia, for years and realizing that it was
my body suppressing all of the emotions and holding
(13:43):
on to all of these emotions and not processing
these emotions that were actually making me sick and
causing me, I guess I don't want to say
undiagnosed pain, but pain that doctors could not find
in medical tests, if that makes sense. Number three
is in relationships, a common impact is difficulty forming
(14:08):
and maintaining healthy relationships. Issues like trust, intimacy, and
communication can be affected, limiting personal and social growth.
Four is self worth. Low self esteem and self
worth can prevent individuals from taking risks, pursuing opportunities,
and believing in their potential. This can stifle personal
(14:29):
and professional development. Number five, resilience, the ability to
cope with setbacks and challenges can be compromised. The
mother wound can make it harder to develop resilience,
which is crucial for personal development and overcoming obstacles.
Number six, creativity and expression. Emotional suppression and fear
(14:51):
of judgment can stifle creativity and self expression.
Personal growth often involves exploring and expressing one's unique
talents and perspectives. Seven, autonomy, difficulty, setting boundaries and
asserting oneself can lead to a lack of independence.
Personal growth requires making independent decisions and taking control
(15:12):
of your life. So the seven impacts on personal
growth that a mother wound can cause is, one,
self identity two, emotional health. Three, relationships four, self
worth five, resilience. Six, creativity and expression. Seven, autonomy.
(15:34):
So healing the mother wound involves recognizing these impacts
and working through them, often with the help of
a therapist.
Like I said, self reflection and supportive relationships. This
can lead to a greater self awareness, emotional freedom,
and a stronger sense of self, ultimately fostering personal
growth. I've talked about this many times on the
(15:58):
show, but it's been over a year now. It's
probably almost a year and a half that I
have been going to therapy weekly.
And you know, this show is pro therapy. We
strongly believe in therapy over here, but there doesn't
have to be something wrong with you or you
don't have to be in a state of crisis
(16:18):
in order to have a therapist. I had a
previous guest who was in the nursing industry, healthcare
industry, and she spoke about her view of therapy
as, you know, getting an oil change for your
car maintenance. It's about maintaining mental wellness. It's about
(16:40):
having a space for yourself just to speak and
get your thoughts out and to express yourself without
feeling judgment, you know, with people who may be
biased.
So definitely recommend therapy. But let's get deeper into
some steps to help you heal. Because healing the
(17:01):
mother wound is a deeply personal and often complex
journey, it's important to remember that healing is possible.
So I'm going to give you some practical steps
that can, you know, guide the process and lead
to some pretty big steps in your personal growth
and transformation. So one, it's important to acknowledge the
(17:24):
wound. It's important to recognize and accept that the
mother wound exists. So this is the first step
toward healing. We can't heal what we won't reveal,
and it's okay to have the emotional pain associated
with it.
Understand that the root of your pain is a
crucial part of your healing process. You know, it's
(17:48):
important to seek professional help. You know, consider again,
like I said, working with a therapist or a
counselor about your trauma or your attachment issues. Professional
guidance can provide valuable insights and coping strategies. I
(18:08):
found when I first started therapy, I wasn't sure
what to expect. And every day I left the
therapy session with a new tool for my toolbox,
with a new coping mechanism to help me get
through, you know, life's challenges.
Number three is to practice self compassion. Be kind
(18:29):
to yourself, you know, understand that healing is a
process and that it's okay to have setbacks. Self
compassion helps build a positive relationship with yourself. I
think we are so quick to give other people
grace, but not ourselves. So have some self compassion.
Number four is to set boundaries. Learn to establish
(18:51):
and maintain healthy boundaries in your relationships.
This can help protect your emotional well being and
foster a sense of autonomy. And when I say
set boundaries, I am not playing. I felt like
my entire life I was great at setting boundaries,
but I realized I was great at setting boundaries
with the outside world and not with my family.
(19:11):
And now that I have learned to put those
in place without guilt, because obviously at first it
feels very uncomfortable and others will try to shame
you and make you feel bad for having boundaries.
But anyone who is pushing against your boundaries is
probably the reason why you need them. So number
five is express your emotions. Find safe ways to
(19:34):
express your feelings, whether through journaling, art, talking to
a trusted friend. Emotional expression is crucial for processing
and releasing pent up emotions. When we are suppressing
our emotions, we are basically causing depression. It's important
(19:55):
for us to express those emotions and get them
out and process them and move them right. Emotions
or energy in motion, so that we are not
holding on to those emotions, that we're not internalizing
those emotions and causing ourselves to get sick and
(20:16):
causing ourselves to feel anxiety and all those other
things that it can cause when we suppress our
emotions. Number six is to re parent yourself. Engage
in self care practices that provide the nurturing and
support that we may have missed. You know, this
can include positive affirmations, self soothing techniques, and creating
(20:38):
a supportive inner dialogue. I know for me, it
started with the affirmations, which is why I created
book number two to share some of the affirmations
that I was using to help on my healing
journey.
So book number two is walking my stilettos, 111
affirmations to help you heal. And, you know, the
(20:59):
way that our mind works, our subconscious mind doesn't
know the difference between fact or fiction and the
repetition of those words. We actually start to believe
them. Number seven is connect with supportive people. Surround
yourself with people who understand and support your healing
journey. Build a network of positive relationships that can
(21:23):
provide emotional support and encouragement. Now, you and I
both know not all of our friends and family
are supportive, positive, I guess, connections. So be mindful
of who you are going to about your healing
process, about who you are going to about your
(21:45):
hurts. Be mindful of who you are sharing those
things with because sharing them with the wrong person.
There are some people out there because misery loves
company that will fuel that. That will fuel that
fire, that will create more anxiety within you, create
more negative emotions. So just be mindful of who
(22:05):
you choose as your supportive people. Number eight is
educate yourself.
Read books, attend workshops, join support groups that are
focused on healing the mother wound. Knowledge can empower
you and provide new perspectives on the experience. And
I feel like this world is full of ignorance,
(22:26):
and ignorance is simply lack of knowledge. So when
we educate ourselves and be, I'm going to say,
be careful where you get your sources from. Not
everything on TikTok is facts, but do do your
own research. Educate yourself on the mother wound, on
(22:48):
healing those things. I've read quite a few books,
and if you're interested in some of the books
that I have read, I'm very big on personal
development, books on neuroscience, on books that are about
personal growth and self help. And all of the
books that I've read, I keep track of on
Goodreads, and it'll let you know. I think I'm
(23:11):
probably going through like, 20 to 25 books a
year, but it'll let you know. You can go
through the list and see which books are connected
to healing the things that you want to heal.
Number nine, forgive, if you're ready. You know, forgiveness
can be a powerful step, and it's important to
approach it when you feel ready. This doesn't mean
(23:33):
condoning harmful behavior, but rather releasing its hold on
you. Forgiveness isn't necessarily about or for the other
person. It's for yourself. You know, there are people
that have harmed me or hurt me in the
past, intentional or unintentional.
And being able to forgive them allows me to
(23:53):
release those negative emotions. It allows me to release
the power that they have over me. It allows
me to release the control or the real estate
that they're taking up in my mind, in my
spirit. So forgiveness is big. Number ten, practice mindfulness
and meditation. These practices can help you stay present
(24:16):
and manage emotional triggers. They can also foster a
deeper connection with yourself and your healing process. I
know when I started practicing mindfulness techniques, I was
like, okay, this isn't working.
This is pointless. But I want you to think
about this. You have been conditioned to be the
way that you are for the 40, 50, 60
(24:37):
years that you've been alive. It's not going to
take a couple of minutes or a couple of
tries of something to undo what's been done. So
things like meditation and mindfulness, the reason why it's
called a practice is because it's something that you
(24:57):
have to practice. There's no perfect way to do
it. There's no perfect way that it should be
done. It is a practice. You are learning. You
are learning to be mindful. You are learning to
be present. You are learning to be still. You
are learning to focus. You are learning to listen
to the spirit. Number eleven. Celebrate progress. Acknowledge and
(25:20):
celebrate your progress. No matter how small. You know,
I've been talking about this on social lately, like
celebrating your small wins.
Recognize your growth. You know, this can motivate you
to continue on your healing journey. Look at how
far you've come. I often say to myself, well,
the old bikini would have when it comes to
how I respond to something. And that's how I
(25:41):
see my growth. Because the old McKinney might not
have been so nice. The old McKinney might have
used some more colorful words.
The old bikini might have been a little petty.
But I can celebrate my progress because this version
of me, the today's version of McKinney, I either
(26:01):
don't respond because I'm not giving them any power.
I can respond politely. I can respond with okay
or something more positive than how I would have
responded in the past. So I definitely celebrate my
progress. You know, healing the mother wound is a
(26:22):
unique process for every single one of us. And
moving at our own pace is important. There's, like
I said, there's no quick way to go through
this. And I know that we live in a
microwave generation where everyone wants instant results. You know,
you go to the gym two times and you
expect to see, you know, some, some definition. That's
not how life works. So I want you to
(26:44):
think about these steps and I what speaks to
you and start there.
So, basically, in, in terms of, you know, steps
to healing. One, acknowledge the wound. Two, seek professional
help. Three, practice self compassion. Four, set boundaries. Five,
(27:07):
express your emotions. Six, reparent yourself. Seven, connect with
supportive people. Eight, educate yourself. Nine, forgive if you're
ready. Ten, practice mindfulness and meditation. And eleven, celebrate
your progress. It's about breaking the cycle for future
(27:27):
generations. You know, it would be convenient and easy
if we could blame all of our faults on,
you know, the failures of our mothers, but it
wouldn't be truthful.
And that's because we have the gift of choice.
We have the freedom of choice. We have the
(27:48):
ability to decide. We can stay where we are
with the pent up emotions and anger and resentment
and all of those negative feelings and allow it
to control our bodies, allow it to make us
sick, allow it to control our results and our
interactions in all of our other relationships. Or we
(28:10):
can choose to work on our healing. We can
choose a higher vibration. We can choose to be
our best selves and improve all of the relationships
around us. We can choose to take the steps
to heal our own mother wound and to make
sure that we don't pass it down to our
children, to make sure that we don't pass this
(28:30):
hurt onto our children.
You know, it's a challenging journey, but it is
the beginning of a new chapter. It's the beginning
of healing generational wounds. It's the beginning of healing
generational traumas. It's the beginning of healing and breaking
generational chains. There are some books that I would
(28:51):
recommend on healing the mother wound. And like I
said, I do keep a public list of the
books that I read on goodreads.
But when I was doing my research on the
mother wound, there was three that were recommended. So
there's a book called discovering the inner a guide
to healing the mother wound and claiming your personal
(29:13):
power by Bethany Webster. This book explores the concept
of mother wounds and offers practical tools for healing
and reclaiming your personal power. Number two is transforming
the mother wound. Sacred practices for healing your inner
wise woman through ritual and grounded spirituality by Monika
(29:35):
Carlos. This book provides sacred, practical rituals and journaling
prompts to help heal the mother wound through a
grounded spiritual approach.
And number three is mending the mother wound. This
book, featured on psychology today, offers insights and strategies
(29:56):
for addressing and healing the mother wound. These books
can provide valuable insights and practical steps to support
your healing journey. I want to challenge you. I
want to challenge you to think about if you
(30:17):
have a mother wound and how that is affecting
your relationship with your mother, with your children, with
your partner, with your interaction with everyone else around
you. And part of, like I said at the
beginning, part of it is acknowledging it and it's
okay because it is hurtful.
(30:37):
You know, there's many of us that are realizing
now in our adult years, the mother wounds that
we carry and how that's affecting us. And I
want better for you. I want you to be
able to heal those things. H e a l
honor, elevate and love. I want to thank you
(30:59):
for taking the time to join us today. I
truly, truly appreciate you being here. You could be
anywhere in the world. You could be doing anything
in the world. You could be listening to anyone
else in the world.
But you are here. And thanks to you, the
show ranks globally in the top 1.5% of most
popular podcasts out there, and there's over 3 million.
(31:19):
So I'm so, so grateful. If you are enjoying
the podcast, please go over to Apple Podcasts, rate
the show and leave us a review. If you're
listening on Spotify, you can leave us a rating
there and let us know what your aha moments
are. Let us know the gems that you have
(31:39):
taken from this week's episode or any other episode.
Feel free to screenshot this episode and tag me
on Instagram and you know, let me know your
aha moments. You can tag me he real McKinney
Smith a healthy community is a healing community. And
a healing community is full of hope because it
has seen its own people weather, survive, and thrive.
(32:03):
So let's continue to heal her.
I'm Makini Smith. After going through a divorce, my
sister passing away, experiencing narcissistic abuse, and some significant
health scares, I realized through sharing my story that
I wasn't alone in my suffering. Suffering subjective distress
generated by the experience of being out of balance
in a deep dive to holistically heal mind, body
(00:21):
and soul, is where I discovered peace, clarity and
connection. It is impossible to be truly wise without
some real life hardship, and we cannot develop post
traumatic wisdom without making it through, and most importantly,
through it together. Social connection builds resilience, and resilience
(00:43):
helps create post traumatic wisdom. And that wisdom leads
to hope. Hope for you and others witnessing and
participating in your healing and hope for your community.
A healthy community is a healing community. And a
healing community is full of hope because it has
seen its own people weather, survive, and thrive.
(01:22):
Welcome back to the Heal her podcast. Today's episode
is going to be a solo episode because I
feel like we need a disclaimer or a preface
to some of our upcoming episodes just to give
you guys a greater understanding. I have been having
a lot of conversations with women in my network,
(01:43):
with women that have been on the podcast. It's
just been a common conversation about mother wounds. And,
you know, it's a running joke in some of
my friendship circles about our mother wounds. And it's,
you know, a running joke, but also it's a
(02:06):
serious matter. And I feel like because it's become
such a common conversation around the women that I
know, and I'm seeing it a lot online before
I share some of our upcoming episodes where women
are speaking about their mother wounds and how they
(02:27):
are working through those things, I felt like it
was necessary to have an episode explaining and digging
deeper into what mother wounds actually are, how they're
created, and how we can heal them.
So let's jump right in. So, you know, our
(02:49):
mothers mold us, often physically in the room, you
know, through. Well, you know, actually, there's. There's many
types of mothers we could have, adoptive mothers. We
can have, you know, stepmothers. There's all different types
of mothers, but often physically in the womb.
(03:10):
And then emotionally, through our interactions, our mothers can
mold us. So what happens if a mom isn't
there for you emotionally? According to some psychoanalysts, researchers,
and other theorists, the so called mother wound occurs.
(03:32):
So let's dig into what is a mother wound?
The mother wound often refers to the emotional, mental,
and spiritual trauma that can result from a lack
of sufficient love, support, or emotional connection from a
mother figure. So this type of attachment trauma can
(03:55):
manifest in various ways, including a diminished self esteem,
attachment issues, and emotional difficulties.
It can also be a collective injury passed down
through generations, often affecting women due to societal pressures
and ancestral experiences such as abuse, neglect, marginalization, and
(04:18):
healing. The mother wound typically involves self care, therapy
and creative expression to address and mend these deep
seated emotional scars. So, in summary, the definition of
a mother wound is an emotional pain passed down
from mother to child.
Let's. I mean, let's unpack that. You know, it
(04:41):
says that a mother wound can be something passed
down generationally. It can be, you know, affected through
societal pressures or abuse, neglect, or marginalization. And I
feel like in a lot of black communities, african,
west indian, wherever you're from in the world, there's
(05:02):
a lot of things that are considered normal, but
are actually traumatic. And we've talked about this on
the podcast for other issues, but there's a lot
of memes and comedic jokes and things online that
we see culturally about the black mother or the
(05:29):
west indian mother or the african mother in terms
of how they handle things.
And to each their own. Obviously, you know, everyone
is allowed or entitled to live how they want
to live, but it's not always healthy. So let's
talk about who typically experiences the mother wound. So,
(05:53):
children, usually daughters, but sometimes sons, are said to
experience the mother wound if their mother provided support
by taking care of the physical needs of the
child, but didn't give love, care, or security. They're
said to experience the mother wound if their mother
didn't provide empathy, to mirror the child's emotions and
(06:17):
help them label and, and manage those emotions. If
the mother didn't allow the child to express negative
emotions, if the mother was extra critical, if the
mother expected the child's support with their own physical
or emotional needs, if the mother wasn't available to
the child either because they had to work or
(06:41):
because they were busy with their own interest.
You know, we know that mothers obviously have to
work. And even working single moms, it doesn't mean
that they've instilled a mother wound onto your child.
So this episode isn't about guilting. Moms are making
moms feel shame. But it's also said that if
(07:03):
the mother had suffered emotional or physical abuse themselves
and didn't process that trauma and they were able
to, unable to offer love and nurture to their
child. Someone can experience a mother wound if their
(07:24):
mother had untreated mental health conditions, if their mother
experienced alcoholism or drug addiction. There's so many ways
that someone can experience a mother wound, and it
doesn't mean that it was intentional.
You know, we can have the greatest intentions and
(07:46):
it not have the impact that we want it
to. And again, I want to give a disclaimer.
This episode is not about shaming moms. I'm a
mother of three, and I'm sure that my kids
will one day be sitting on a therapist's couch
unpacking, probably their earlier childhood before I started my
healing journey. So this isn't about shaming moms, but
(08:06):
it's about addressing mother wounds and how they're created
and how they affect us. Like I said, both
daughters and sons can experience the mother wound. The
mother wound is not a specific diagnosis, and although
it can hurt so much that we're sure it
warrants one. While both daughters and sons can feel
(08:31):
the impact of the under mothering that leads to
the mother wound, it's typically considered a mother daughter
wound.
So thanks to psychologist Mary Ainsworth and her attachment
theory, we know that the trust a mother instills
in childhood positively affects the child's present and future
relationships. Meaning a child who acquires the mother wound
(08:55):
is most likely to perpetuate this type of relationship
with their children. I read a couple years ago
when I started my healing journey. I read the
book called attached, and it helped me to understand
our adult attachment styles, you know, how we connect
(09:18):
with others in our adult life based on our
childhood experiences.
And there are a few types of attachment styles,
and I'll cover that in a future episode. But
there's like, avoidant attachment style, there's secure attachment style,
there's anxious attachment style, and there can be like
(09:41):
a mix where someone can be a secure anxious,
or someone can be, you know, anxious, avoidant, all
those things. So I do recommend that you take
the test and figure out what your attachment style
is based on your upbringing, because it's helpful in
how we function and operate in our relationships today,
(10:02):
in our responses today. So a mother wound can
manifest in various ways, often affecting different aspects of
a person's life. So some common manifestations include one,
low self esteem, feeling unworthy or not good enough,
often stemming from a lack of validation and support
(10:24):
during childhood.
Two, people pleasing constantly seeking approval from others, and
putting a your needs or their needs above your
own due to the fear of rejection or abandonment.
I'm a recovering people pleaser, so I get this
one. Three, difficulty setting boundaries. You know, struggling to
(10:45):
say no or establishing healthy limits in relationships can
lead to feeling overwhelmed or even taken advantage of.
Four, attachment issues. Experiencing anxiety or insecurity in relationships,
often fearing, abandonment, or being overly dependent on others
(11:06):
for emotional support.
Five, perfectionism. Striving for unattainable standards to gain approval
or avoid criticism can lead to chronic stress and
burnout. Six, emotional suppression, having difficulty expressing or recognizing
your emotions, often because emotional expression was discouraged or
(11:28):
invalidated. Seven, self sabotage, engaging in behaviors that undermine
your own success or happiness, often unconsciously due to
deep seated feelings of unworthiness. So seven, common manifestations
that mother wounds can cause is low self esteem,
(11:51):
people pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries, attachment issues, perfectionism, emotional
suppression, and self sabotage. So these manifestations can vary
in intensity and may be influenced by other factors
such as your personal experience or additional traumas. But
(12:12):
healing often involves recognizing these patterns, seeking therapy, and
practicing self compassion and self care. So, in summary,
the manifestation of a mother wound can create low
self worth, fear of rejection perfectionism.
(12:37):
It creates a difficulty forming secure attachments or setting
boundaries. And there's an impact on our personal growth
from the mother wound that can be profound and
multifaceted. Here are some key areas areas where it
can have a significant effect. One, your self identity.
(13:00):
Struggling with a clear sense of self can hinder
personal growth. The mother wound can lead to confusion
about one's identity and values making pursuing individual goals
and aspirations challenging. Two, emotional health. Unresolved emotional trauma
can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and depression.
(13:22):
These emotional challenges can impede one's ability to grow
and thrive in various aspects of their life. I
know for one, I have struggled with an autoimmune
disorder, fibromyalgia, for years and realizing that it was
my body suppressing all of the emotions and holding
(13:43):
on to all of these emotions and not processing
these emotions that were actually making me sick and
causing me, I guess I don't want to say
undiagnosed pain, but pain that doctors could not find
in medical tests, if that makes sense. Number three
is in relationships, a common impact is difficulty forming
(14:08):
and maintaining healthy relationships. Issues like trust, intimacy, and
communication can be affected, limiting personal and social growth.
Four is self worth. Low self esteem and self
worth can prevent individuals from taking risks, pursuing opportunities,
and believing in their potential. This can stifle personal
(14:29):
and professional development. Number five, resilience, the ability to
cope with setbacks and challenges can be compromised. The
mother wound can make it harder to develop resilience,
which is crucial for personal development and overcoming obstacles.
Number six, creativity and expression. Emotional suppression and fear
(14:51):
of judgment can stifle creativity and self expression.
Personal growth often involves exploring and expressing one's unique
talents and perspectives. Seven, autonomy, difficulty, setting boundaries and
asserting oneself can lead to a lack of independence.
Personal growth requires making independent decisions and taking control
(15:12):
of your life. So the seven impacts on personal
growth that a mother wound can cause is, one,
self identity two, emotional health. Three, relationships four, self
worth five, resilience. Six, creativity and expression. Seven, autonomy.
(15:34):
So healing the mother wound involves recognizing these impacts
and working through them, often with the help of
a therapist.
Like I said, self reflection and supportive relationships. This
can lead to a greater self awareness, emotional freedom,
and a stronger sense of self, ultimately fostering personal
growth. I've talked about this many times on the
(15:58):
show, but it's been over a year now. It's
probably almost a year and a half that I
have been going to therapy weekly.
And you know, this show is pro therapy. We
strongly believe in therapy over here, but there doesn't
have to be something wrong with you or you
don't have to be in a state of crisis
(16:18):
in order to have a therapist. I had a
previous guest who was in the nursing industry, healthcare
industry, and she spoke about her view of therapy
as, you know, getting an oil change for your
car maintenance. It's about maintaining mental wellness. It's about
(16:40):
having a space for yourself just to speak and
get your thoughts out and to express yourself without
feeling judgment, you know, with people who may be
biased.
So definitely recommend therapy. But let's get deeper into
some steps to help you heal. Because healing the
(17:01):
mother wound is a deeply personal and often complex
journey, it's important to remember that healing is possible.
So I'm going to give you some practical steps
that can, you know, guide the process and lead
to some pretty big steps in your personal growth
and transformation. So one, it's important to acknowledge the
(17:24):
wound. It's important to recognize and accept that the
mother wound exists. So this is the first step
toward healing. We can't heal what we won't reveal,
and it's okay to have the emotional pain associated
with it.
Understand that the root of your pain is a
crucial part of your healing process. You know, it's
(17:48):
important to seek professional help. You know, consider again,
like I said, working with a therapist or a
counselor about your trauma or your attachment issues. Professional
guidance can provide valuable insights and coping strategies. I
(18:08):
found when I first started therapy, I wasn't sure
what to expect. And every day I left the
therapy session with a new tool for my toolbox,
with a new coping mechanism to help me get
through, you know, life's challenges.
Number three is to practice self compassion. Be kind
(18:29):
to yourself, you know, understand that healing is a
process and that it's okay to have setbacks. Self
compassion helps build a positive relationship with yourself. I
think we are so quick to give other people
grace, but not ourselves. So have some self compassion.
Number four is to set boundaries. Learn to establish
(18:51):
and maintain healthy boundaries in your relationships.
This can help protect your emotional well being and
foster a sense of autonomy. And when I say
set boundaries, I am not playing. I felt like
my entire life I was great at setting boundaries,
but I realized I was great at setting boundaries
with the outside world and not with my family.
(19:11):
And now that I have learned to put those
in place without guilt, because obviously at first it
feels very uncomfortable and others will try to shame
you and make you feel bad for having boundaries.
But anyone who is pushing against your boundaries is
probably the reason why you need them. So number
five is express your emotions. Find safe ways to
(19:34):
express your feelings, whether through journaling, art, talking to
a trusted friend. Emotional expression is crucial for processing
and releasing pent up emotions. When we are suppressing
our emotions, we are basically causing depression. It's important
(19:55):
for us to express those emotions and get them
out and process them and move them right. Emotions
or energy in motion, so that we are not
holding on to those emotions, that we're not internalizing
those emotions and causing ourselves to get sick and
(20:16):
causing ourselves to feel anxiety and all those other
things that it can cause when we suppress our
emotions. Number six is to re parent yourself. Engage
in self care practices that provide the nurturing and
support that we may have missed. You know, this
can include positive affirmations, self soothing techniques, and creating
(20:38):
a supportive inner dialogue. I know for me, it
started with the affirmations, which is why I created
book number two to share some of the affirmations
that I was using to help on my healing
journey.
So book number two is walking my stilettos, 111
affirmations to help you heal. And, you know, the
(20:59):
way that our mind works, our subconscious mind doesn't
know the difference between fact or fiction and the
repetition of those words. We actually start to believe
them. Number seven is connect with supportive people. Surround
yourself with people who understand and support your healing
journey. Build a network of positive relationships that can
(21:23):
provide emotional support and encouragement. Now, you and I
both know not all of our friends and family
are supportive, positive, I guess, connections. So be mindful
of who you are going to about your healing
process, about who you are going to about your
(21:45):
hurts. Be mindful of who you are sharing those
things with because sharing them with the wrong person.
There are some people out there because misery loves
company that will fuel that. That will fuel that
fire, that will create more anxiety within you, create
more negative emotions. So just be mindful of who
(22:05):
you choose as your supportive people. Number eight is
educate yourself.
Read books, attend workshops, join support groups that are
focused on healing the mother wound. Knowledge can empower
you and provide new perspectives on the experience. And
I feel like this world is full of ignorance,
(22:26):
and ignorance is simply lack of knowledge. So when
we educate ourselves and be, I'm going to say,
be careful where you get your sources from. Not
everything on TikTok is facts, but do do your
own research. Educate yourself on the mother wound, on
(22:48):
healing those things. I've read quite a few books,
and if you're interested in some of the books
that I have read, I'm very big on personal
development, books on neuroscience, on books that are about
personal growth and self help. And all of the
books that I've read, I keep track of on
Goodreads, and it'll let you know. I think I'm
(23:11):
probably going through like, 20 to 25 books a
year, but it'll let you know. You can go
through the list and see which books are connected
to healing the things that you want to heal.
Number nine, forgive, if you're ready. You know, forgiveness
can be a powerful step, and it's important to
approach it when you feel ready. This doesn't mean
(23:33):
condoning harmful behavior, but rather releasing its hold on
you. Forgiveness isn't necessarily about or for the other
person. It's for yourself. You know, there are people
that have harmed me or hurt me in the
past, intentional or unintentional.
And being able to forgive them allows me to
(23:53):
release those negative emotions. It allows me to release
the power that they have over me. It allows
me to release the control or the real estate
that they're taking up in my mind, in my
spirit. So forgiveness is big. Number ten, practice mindfulness
and meditation. These practices can help you stay present
(24:16):
and manage emotional triggers. They can also foster a
deeper connection with yourself and your healing process. I
know when I started practicing mindfulness techniques, I was
like, okay, this isn't working.
This is pointless. But I want you to think
about this. You have been conditioned to be the
way that you are for the 40, 50, 60
(24:37):
years that you've been alive. It's not going to
take a couple of minutes or a couple of
tries of something to undo what's been done. So
things like meditation and mindfulness, the reason why it's
called a practice is because it's something that you
(24:57):
have to practice. There's no perfect way to do
it. There's no perfect way that it should be
done. It is a practice. You are learning. You
are learning to be mindful. You are learning to
be present. You are learning to be still. You
are learning to focus. You are learning to listen
to the spirit. Number eleven. Celebrate progress. Acknowledge and
(25:20):
celebrate your progress. No matter how small. You know,
I've been talking about this on social lately, like
celebrating your small wins.
Recognize your growth. You know, this can motivate you
to continue on your healing journey. Look at how
far you've come. I often say to myself, well,
the old bikini would have when it comes to
how I respond to something. And that's how I
(25:41):
see my growth. Because the old McKinney might not
have been so nice. The old McKinney might have
used some more colorful words.
The old bikini might have been a little petty.
But I can celebrate my progress because this version
of me, the today's version of McKinney, I either
(26:01):
don't respond because I'm not giving them any power.
I can respond politely. I can respond with okay
or something more positive than how I would have
responded in the past. So I definitely celebrate my
progress. You know, healing the mother wound is a
(26:22):
unique process for every single one of us. And
moving at our own pace is important. There's, like
I said, there's no quick way to go through
this. And I know that we live in a
microwave generation where everyone wants instant results. You know,
you go to the gym two times and you
expect to see, you know, some, some definition. That's
not how life works. So I want you to
(26:44):
think about these steps and I what speaks to
you and start there.
So, basically, in, in terms of, you know, steps
to healing. One, acknowledge the wound. Two, seek professional
help. Three, practice self compassion. Four, set boundaries. Five,
(27:07):
express your emotions. Six, reparent yourself. Seven, connect with
supportive people. Eight, educate yourself. Nine, forgive if you're
ready. Ten, practice mindfulness and meditation. And eleven, celebrate
your progress. It's about breaking the cycle for future
(27:27):
generations. You know, it would be convenient and easy
if we could blame all of our faults on,
you know, the failures of our mothers, but it
wouldn't be truthful.
And that's because we have the gift of choice.
We have the freedom of choice. We have the
(27:48):
ability to decide. We can stay where we are
with the pent up emotions and anger and resentment
and all of those negative feelings and allow it
to control our bodies, allow it to make us
sick, allow it to control our results and our
interactions in all of our other relationships. Or we
(28:10):
can choose to work on our healing. We can
choose a higher vibration. We can choose to be
our best selves and improve all of the relationships
around us. We can choose to take the steps
to heal our own mother wound and to make
sure that we don't pass it down to our
children, to make sure that we don't pass this
(28:30):
hurt onto our children.
You know, it's a challenging journey, but it is
the beginning of a new chapter. It's the beginning
of healing generational wounds. It's the beginning of healing
generational traumas. It's the beginning of healing and breaking
generational chains. There are some books that I would
(28:51):
recommend on healing the mother wound. And like I
said, I do keep a public list of the
books that I read on goodreads.
But when I was doing my research on the
mother wound, there was three that were recommended. So
there's a book called discovering the inner a guide
to healing the mother wound and claiming your personal
(29:13):
power by Bethany Webster. This book explores the concept
of mother wounds and offers practical tools for healing
and reclaiming your personal power. Number two is transforming
the mother wound. Sacred practices for healing your inner
wise woman through ritual and grounded spirituality by Monika
(29:35):
Carlos. This book provides sacred, practical rituals and journaling
prompts to help heal the mother wound through a
grounded spiritual approach.
And number three is mending the mother wound. This
book, featured on psychology today, offers insights and strategies
(29:56):
for addressing and healing the mother wound. These books
can provide valuable insights and practical steps to support
your healing journey. I want to challenge you. I
want to challenge you to think about if you
(30:17):
have a mother wound and how that is affecting
your relationship with your mother, with your children, with
your partner, with your interaction with everyone else around
you. And part of, like I said at the
beginning, part of it is acknowledging it and it's
okay because it is hurtful.
(30:37):
You know, there's many of us that are realizing
now in our adult years, the mother wounds that
we carry and how that's affecting us. And I
want better for you. I want you to be
able to heal those things. H e a l
honor, elevate and love. I want to thank you
(30:59):
for taking the time to join us today. I
truly, truly appreciate you being here. You could be
anywhere in the world. You could be doing anything
in the world. You could be listening to anyone
else in the world.
But you are here. And thanks to you, the
show ranks globally in the top 1.5% of most
popular podcasts out there, and there's over 3 million.
(31:19):
So I'm so, so grateful. If you are enjoying
the podcast, please go over to Apple Podcasts, rate
the show and leave us a review. If you're
listening on Spotify, you can leave us a rating
there and let us know what your aha moments
are. Let us know the gems that you have
(31:39):
taken from this week's episode or any other episode.
Feel free to screenshot this episode and tag me
on Instagram and you know, let me know your
aha moments. You can tag me he real McKinney
Smith a healthy community is a healing community. And
a healing community is full of hope because it
has seen its own people weather, survive, and thrive.
(32:03):
So let's continue to heal her.
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