October 24, 2024 • 50 mins
Healing from trauma requires addressing both emotional and physical manifestations of stress, with a focus on holistic methods like therapy, massage, and setting boundaries for self-care. Makini Smith and Rachel G emphasize the importance of acknowledging the impact of trauma on both mind and body to achieve peace and clarity, and they advocate for building resilience and social connections to foster healing. Rachel G shares her personal experience with divorce, highlighting the challenges of financial and emotional abuse and the journey of rebuilding self-worth through introspection and support. Both speakers underlined the importance of therapy, positive affirmations, and self-care practices in restoring balance and promoting well-being. They stress finding the right therapist, slowing down, and allowing rest and emotional processing to improve mental health and encourage personal growth.
Key takeaways:
- Healing from trauma involves addressing emotional pain, grief, and stress that can manifest physically in the body - Therapy and faith-based foundations are crucial in rebuilding self-worth after experiencing abuse in a relationship - Prioritizing self-care and personal needs is essential for individual well-being - The role of therapy in the healing process is emphasized by both speakers - Acknowledging and dealing with hurt, trauma, and grief is important for reducing stress levels and improving overall well-being - A supportive network plays a crucial role in providing care and companionship during challenging times - Self-love, positive affirmations, and daily self-evaluation are essential for personal growth and overcoming abusive experiences
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I'm Makini Smith. After going through a divorce, my
sister passing away, experiencing narcissistic abuse and some significant
health scares, I realized through sharing my story that
I wasn't alone in my suffering. Suffering, subjective distress
generated by the experience of being out of balance,
in a deep dive to holistically heal mind, body
(00:21):
and soul is where I discovered peace, clarity and
connection. It is impossible to be truly wise without
some real life hardship. And we cannot develop post
traumatic wisdom without making it through and most importantly,
through it together. Social connection builds resilience and resilience
(00:43):
helps create post traumatic wisdom. And that wisdom leads
to hope. Hope for you and others, witnessing and
participating in your healing and hope for your community.
A healthy community is a healing community. And a
healing community is full of hope because it has
seen its own people weather, survive and thrive. Rachel
(01:22):
G. Is a life and love coach with 17
plus years of experience in dating, relationships and marriage
coaching. Featured on bet, cbs, Viacom and Black Enterprise,
she helps singles and couples build fulfilling lives and
strong relationships. Rachel has a hundred percent success rate
(01:43):
in saving marriages and is the founder of the
I'm Somebody's Wife and Women of Healing, advocating for
women's empowerment and healing. She also leads the Next
Generation Charm School for at risk Girls and an
18 year public speaker inspiring audiences nationwide. Author of
(02:07):
Steps to Heal for Purpose and I'm somebody's wife,
the 31 Day Journal. Rachel's work reaches over 35
million people monthly through her social media community and
private coaching. So please welcome to the show, Rachel
G. Hey, hey.
Hey.
(02:28):
Thank you so much for agreeing to come on
and share your journey with us. I honestly, you
know, we connected years ago online and I love
taking online connections offline and I've just been super
grateful to be connected to you, been super grateful
(02:48):
to be a part of your life, a part
of your journey to see you grow and evolve
and how you've been helping others along the way.
So I'm just grateful that you know, the listeners
get, I'm going to say a second chance on
this show to hear, you know, hear from you.
So thank you and thank you so.
Much for having me and this amazing alignment, you
(03:11):
know, business, ship, you know, networkship, friendship, and most
importantly, sistership. I have been enjoyed and been blessed
by you so many years back and so many
years to come.
Amen. Yes. Yes. So I feel like it has
been, I feel like it was in the first
year of the show that I had you on
(03:35):
and we are about to celebrate six years. So
it's been Some time.
Yeah.
So before we get to where you are presently
and how things have evolved and what you're doing
today, I would love if you could share with
the listeners a little bit about, like, what you
(03:57):
were like as a little girl and what's your
earliest childhood memory that defines who you are today.
Wow. As a little girl, it's so funny, because
I'm often reminded of the little girl in me.
As a little girl, I was not one of
(04:18):
those kids that just did what everybody wanted me
to. I asked questions. If I didn't like something,
I vocalized it. Even if I got in trouble
for it. I just felt like I had an
opinion. I wanted my opinion to be heard. I
wanted to express myself. And so I've always been
(04:40):
very bold. I've always been one that said what
I had to say. And as a little girl,
it started out being really disrespectful, and I got
in trouble enough to where I found a way
for it not to be disrespectful, but I still
had to learn how to stay in a child's
place. But I still wanted to say what I
(05:03):
said. I got in trouble. I got in trouble
a lot. But for me, it didn't matter about
getting in trouble, because I thought to myself, I
may get in trouble for this, but the seed
has been planted on what I said. And so
you heard me. And I grew up a pk,
(05:24):
a pastor's kid. And there were many times where
I didn't like some things and I said what
I didn't like because I, too, wanted to be
able to have my parents as well as the
church and the congregation, having my parents. And although
it would have been said in the wrong way,
it was heard, and it was changed. And so
(05:45):
it kind of molded me who I am today.
Those are some of my memories. Me, people call
it spoiled, but I call it really standing my
ground and having a voice.
Wow. You know, I always think about the labels
we were given as children and how that affects
(06:06):
who we become or how we perceive who we
are. And I know, like, so having West Indian
parents, I know oftentimes, for me, like, a lot
of the things that our parents found or labeled
as disrespectful or too much or are not okay
(06:29):
culturally. In other areas, it was fine. You know,
you were allowed to do certain things or it
wasn't considered that that way. So I love to,
I guess, think about. Okay, yeah. As kids say,
for example, where you said, you know, you were.
You were talkative, so you wanted to be heard,
and it was considered disrespectful. But now, as the
(06:52):
adult version of Rachel, if you look at those
traits and those qualities and how you were expressing
yourself then, like the similarities of how you've or
you express yourself now and how you utilize that
to your advantage, like, if you think about, yeah,
when you were a kid, yeah, it wasn't okay
(07:12):
to do these things. But now as a grown
woman, like, you're speaking your voice, you're stating your
boundaries. You're speaking up for what's right. You're advocating
for what's right. Like, I guess the difference in
perception. Does that make sense?
It is. And I'm laughing in the inside because
(07:34):
I'm laughing. I'm laughing in the inside side because
I needed my younger me to be who I
am today. You know, I help people and sometimes
I say the things that nobody want to say.
Yeah. And I don't say it rudely, but I
say what people need heard. And it gives people
(07:55):
I the voice for the brain. Millions of people,
because I'll say it and they'll be like, oh,
my God, somebody said it. Thank you. I didn't
know how to express it because I had to
learn at a young age to respect my elders,
but still say what I need to say. Now
(08:15):
I can say what I need to say respectfully.
I pray about it. Of course, now, back then
I would say and didn't think. But there's levels,
those levels to it. I've grown in wisdom. And
so that is what is also attract so many
people to me because I say what they want
to say. But society, life, religion, family, you know,
(08:38):
school and workplace says they can't. But I tell
them all the time, I am my job.
Yes. Yeah.
You know, I flick my lights on and I
notice they're still on. I turn my water on
and my water's still running, and I pay those
bills. So since I do that, I don't. I
(09:01):
don't know who is supposed to stop me from
saying what I want to say.
I'm laughing so hard because I can relate completely.
And I. I think it's funny how, you know,
as adults, when we have evolved and learned boundaries
(09:22):
and learned to use our voice and learned not
to put ourselves into these boxes, how other people
try to put you back into it. And when
you realize, oh, wait, hold on, you're not paying
my bills, your opinion does not pay my bills.
Let me be. Let me be. Okay, so I
would love to know how society, culture, or your
(09:45):
environment has shaped your Identity because we just talked
about like, you know, your, your upbringing and things
like that. But I would love to know how
society, culture or your environment has shaped your identity.
Oh, wow. You know, I'm an introvert by peace,
but you know, I am the life of the
(10:08):
party when I'm out, so I'm told because everybody
said they didn't laugh the whole time. I don't
think I'm a comedian. But society has changed so
much and that not only society, but I will
look at it as life. Decisions that have been
(10:28):
made in life has shaped and cultivated my own
society. We have society as a whole when it
comes to, especially in the US when it comes
to politics, when it comes to the way of
life and living. But when you learn that you
have to tap into your purpose and you got
(10:49):
to do the work of him that has sent
you and you tone in on what God wants
you to do and the well done that you
need, society no longer becomes public. It becomes a
personal thing. So my society for me is different.
I don't look at what's going on around me.
I look at what happened around me. To me,
(11:12):
if that makes sense. Going through a divorce and
traumatic, traumatic experiences put me in a position to
where now my society is my reality of my
past. And now I want to live better than
the situation I put myself in. And so I
(11:35):
haven't since I went through healing and since I've
bounce back to be who I am now, I
haven't looked at what's going on in society. I
focused on my personal society and I focus on
talking about that. And I realized that a lot
of people live in my society. So I'm not
(11:56):
in theirs because I'm out of theirs. And they're
trying to figure out how they could be where
I am.
That's powerful.
Everybody now, everybody now is so depressed and they're
living life just trying to be the next viral
or the next thing that looks like they're okay.
And so I didn't want to look like I
(12:17):
was okay. I wanted to be okay with not
being okay and put myself in a position to
be okay.
Yes, yes.
You know, everybody wants to go viral for likes
and that likes is either 30 seconds, 90 seconds,
Mount TikTok, 10 minutes or a picture. And people
think that your life is great. I could have
(12:38):
walked around and been married and no one knew
it, that I was going through what I was
going through. But me being divorced, everybody was like,
I would have never known. Because you don't look
past, you don't look past the picture, you don't
look past the video. Like I was telling people.
Did you not see that I was depressed? I
went from 147 pounds to 225.
(13:00):
Wow.
You thought it was happy weight. It was not
happy weight. It was. What am I doing? I'm
going to chew. Wait, listen.
People. People will take what they see online, and
it could be one picture, and they will create
an entire narrative. Right. Like, so I understand from.
(13:21):
From the work that I do in Mindset, I
understand as people, we think in pictures, but people
will create an entire narrative off of a picture.
And what I love about what you've done with
your journey is how you've always been so transparent,
where, you know, whether it be your ups and
downs and your weight or your mental health or
whatever you're dealing with, you've been transparent in a.
(13:42):
In a sense where you're not living by this
perception that you have to be perfect at all
times in order to be relatable, because none of
us are perfect.
And I'm far from it. You know, even as
a woman of God, I. I feel like those
afflictions. David said it. Those afflictions and those transgressions,
though, they come too. I was telling a client
(14:04):
today, you don't understand what you're growing through, because
we no longer go through anything the way it's
set up. We're not set up to go through
anything. We're set up to grow through it. Because
there's no losses, there's lessons. And those lessons put
us on a new level to be able to
help other people who feel like they're losing. Because,
you know, what we do, you and I, we
(14:25):
take what we've been through in years or been
through in months and teach people how to cultivate,
how to break free and transition out of it
in minutes.
Yes.
But somebody has to grow through it in order
to help everybody else. And. And so I think.
And a lot of that comes from the first
question that you asked, the boldness and the affirmations
(14:49):
that I told myself. You know, kindergarten, I was
bullied until my mom sat me down. She was
like, I need you to speak life into yourself.
I've been speaking affirmations to myself since I was
a little girl and I thought my life into
existence. I did a YouTube today. Live better, think
better. You know, and if we live better, we
(15:13):
think better. Live better. You can only be better
when you think better about yourself. And you're only
stuck in your situation as long as you think
you're stuck in your situation, you know? The man
at the pool of Bethesda, he told Jesus, when
he asked him, why aren't you healed? He said,
because nobody throws me in there. Too many people
(15:33):
are waiting on somebody. Well, you have three.
Nobody's coming to save you.
Yes, I told him, nobody's coming to save you.
This man had 365 days to get in a
pool, and he laid there and wait on somebody.
But then as soon as he was healed and
whole, he went back to the same group that
watched him and didn't even throw him or kick
(15:54):
him into the water. Like, we sit and we
wait on people when we are the ones that
save us. We have to go and ring our
own doorbell and get ourselves out of our house.
And so that is where I am with people.
Like, I had to save myself. There's a choice.
For the first time in life, I knew what
(16:16):
it was like to be public and spiraling and
trying to make it seem like I was okay
and I wasn't and going through, you know, dysfunctional
depression and being functional. Depression, depressed. And people just
applauding me. You're so anointed. You helped you do
this. I'm thinking to myself, you don't see what
(16:36):
I'm grow, going through. I don't even know anything
about fertilization. A seed right now, dry grass. And
you're sitting up here telling me how I just
shifted your life, and I am, like, about to
go home and drink a whole bottle of champagne
and mix tequila with it.
Wow.
(16:57):
And so people don't see it, but I thank
God that I said, you know what? I am
going to sit out, take a break, and I'm
going to take the world on the journey as
I'm coming out. So every time I was coming
out of a place, I was talking about the
place. So then when I told people that I
(17:18):
was filing for divorce, I was already divorced. And
so everybody was. Felt so sorry for me. But
I'm like, I'm over it, you know? Yeah, but.
Yeah, but people, they sit and they want people
to think they're okay, and that leads to a
worse line of depression in their life.
I. I think so many things, it. It speaks
(17:40):
to, you know, you showing up and that commitment
that you've made to yourself. But also I feel
like, okay, so I'm someone who will share my
scars, not my open wounds. So like you said,
after you've gone through the thing, that's when you
go public about it. Like, it. Because when you're
(18:02):
deep in it. And people are commenting and, like,
they're just making that wound even more painful. Right.
But I would love to know, like, okay, what
was the most unexpected challenge that you had or
that you faced after the divorce, and how did
you overcome it?
I think the most unexpected challenge that I faced
(18:25):
was leading to the divorce. And the divorce, it
was like all at once, once realizing that the
person that you married never wanted to marry you.
Them saying, I never wanted to marry you. I
just wanted to come up, and I couldn't come
(18:47):
up with you. So I'm going to try to
destroy your life. You know, I. You can't take
away inviting them into everything you have. You brought
everything to the table, but you didn't look at
it as if you brought everything to the table.
You gave them a piece of your pie, only
for them to try to eat the whole pie
(19:10):
and get mad at you for asking for a
slice. Knowing that the house, everything that you had,
the life you built for yourself and your children,
they wanted that life for them and their children
and not you and your children, like I wanted.
I didn't mind sharing this with you, but you
wanted to take it from me, throw me out
(19:32):
of the equation, and then just you and your
children enjoy it as if you built it that
for me. And then being at a place to
where I had my home. And you were. You
came to my home. Yeah, I had my home.
And I still think about when you asked me
where the restaurant was, and I was like, what?
(19:56):
Canadian versus American language. Where's the bathroom?
What is where? But after my. The day of
my divorce, walking into my house and realizing that
I had a home that was worth $375,000, and
(20:16):
now the home is worth less than 100,000 because
this person destroyed it. Wow. And telling a contractor,
telling me that the damages were $77,000, and me
knowing I only own I only owed 89,000 on
(20:38):
my house, and then having banks call me and
tell me, hey, guess what? You need to pay
this amount of thousands. Because he just went and
got as much money he could get back from
the bank and the taxes. And so I was
facing foreclosure. I was over. I was over the
amount of what I owed on the house. And
(21:01):
I tried to save it, but I realized I
was trying to save it to prove something to
him. And I'm not in the proving lifestyle anymore.
And so I called a few people and said,
you know, house is in one of the best
neighborhoods. Big house, you know, it was great for
the market. And I called a few people and
(21:21):
said, I'm about to sell my house, sight unseen.
First I had someone to come out, and she
said, you may walk away with $20,000.
Wow.
If you do this, if a realtor does this,
because he's taken a lot from you. And so
I reached out to a few investors that I
knew and I said, hey, I'm selling my house.
(21:42):
Fight unseen. And one of them gave me an
offer that I could not refuse. It was over
double than what I owed and pay the house
off. And that was a part of my bounce
back. But I had to put my mind there.
I had to tell myself, you will not stop,
you know, here. If your affirmation was you were
(22:05):
going to, you know, pay your house off, it
doesn't matter how the house gets paid off. If
you have to sell it to pay it off,
sell it to pay it off. I managed to
still do all of my affirmations, complete all of
my goals. One of them was to sell my
house. I mean, not to sell my house, to
pay my house off before the due date. I
(22:27):
did that may not have been like I wanted
to, but I wrote them a check for over
80,000. And that for me was because that house
was for my children. No matter where I lived
in the world, I wanted that to be something
that they had. And for me, everything I built
(22:47):
from the ground up, I was on food stamps
and housing, and I built the life that I
have with God's direction. And someone came in who
didn't mean me any good and had no intentions
on loving me, not even as a friend, came
in and tried to destroy everything I had. So
that for me was something where I was like,
(23:08):
oh, my God, that is crazy.
I. Listen, I am so sorry that you experienced
that. Like, you know, I was at the wedding
that I. I feel like every time I hear
more parts of your story, I slightly get triggered
(23:29):
because the guy that I came to your wedding
with put me through that.
Listen.
Yes, and you know, I've. I've talked about my
experience on this podcast enough, so I'm not even
gonna go there. But I mean, I know that
there are women that are listening that are like,
what? Like, how. How did you. How did you
(23:51):
even. Aside from the affirmations and having God as
your foundation, like, how did you even rebuild your
self worth after that? Because it's like one. One
thing is realizing, okay, the person that you married
didn't actually want to marry you or didn't. Doesn't
even know how to love. But when these people
(24:14):
financially abuse you, spiritually abuse you, the. The mental,
emotional manipulation, like all of these things. Like, like
what were. Okay, so what were some of the
key steps in rebuilding your self worth after being
in such a relationship?
Therapy.
Speak it, girl. I. I still go every week.
(24:37):
I do, too. I started therapy, believe it or
not, in 2020, I realized I made a mistake
and I was not in the marriage that God
wanted me to be in. It was off to
me, but I'm in the public eye, you know,
I'm doing matchmaking shows for bet. I'm doing all
(24:59):
these things. And so maybe it's just me, maybe
it's just where I am. Maybe I need to
fix me. So I started therapy.
Started therapy for the marriage. I started therapy to
try to save the marriage or figure out what
was going on. And the more I tried to
work on the marriage and then try to even
work on me, if there was anything, the worst.
(25:22):
The marriage got in turn and just spiraled. And
so I remember telling my therapist, I no longer
want to work on saving my marriage. I want
to work on saving me. And she told me,
she says, well, I don't think that's what you
should do. I think you should work on saving
your marriage. And I said, well, this will be
our last session. I prayed about it. Hired another
(25:47):
therapist within five minutes of our conversation. I never
told her that I wanted to save me. I
told her where I was, and she says, well,
we're. We're about to work on saving you. And
I instantly knew that that was a connection.
I'm getting chills now. I knew that that was
a connection for me to start working on me.
So I started therapy, leaving out of the marriage
(26:11):
before I even filed for divorce. I filed for
divorce on my anniversary, on our anniversary day. I
said, because you never wanted to marry me. I
don't want this anniversary being a day where I
remember the marriage. It's my divorce. And so I
filed for my divorce on the day that we
(26:34):
got married. But therapy didn't stop from there. I
went through every line of therapy that I could.
I called all my clients, told all my clients,
because I'm a relationship expert, I'm helping people, you
know, save their marriage, and nobody's knowing anything because
their life is great.
And I told them, I said, I need to
(26:55):
take a break. I need to take a break,
and I need. I don't know what this looks
like for this year, but I don't want to
coach right now. And there were times in coaching
where I Said, this isn't for me. I don't
even want to do this anymore. I was going
to start just digital marketing and digital products and
(27:18):
that was it. I had no plans on coming
back to coach, to speak, to help, to preach,
to do anything.
I wanted to live a life just by myself
and behind my computer and making money that way.
But that had nothing to do with being hurt.
It's just that my life was so busy and
(27:39):
congested with people and I wanted to be by
myself. It was loud and I wanted peace, but
I didn't realize that the part of my journey
was going to be needed for the future.
But there is a time where I needed peace.
So I tell anybody, you got to stop. It's
just like driving and the sun is shining and
(28:01):
rain comes out of nowhere and you cannot see
what's in front of you. You got to pull
over. Sometimes when it's raining really hard in a
storm, no matter how fast you do your windshield
wipers, the rain is still going to come. You
can't see in front of you. And if you're
not careful, you can cr. So it's best to
sit on the side of the road and wait
on the rain to die down before you get
(28:21):
back on the road, let it clear. Because if
you let it clear, you at least have your
life. And so I got on side of the
road because I needed to let myself let the
life and the storm of my life clear so
that I can know who I was again and
appreciate.
Appreciate everything. I just. It was so much noise.
(28:43):
It was every day having someone wake up, wake
you up even not living in the same room,
but under the same roof, wake you up to
curse you out. Coming to wake you up before
they go to bed to curse you out. Everything
is an argument and you're just listening or reading
your Bible and it's an issue. And so for
(29:03):
me it was so chaotic that I just wanted
to be by myself from January of this year
all the way until June. I didn't go anywhere,
didn't go out to eat. I did a self
resting. It. It was the best thing I could
have ever done in life.
Like there. Okay, so there's so many important key
(29:25):
points that, that I heard there that I just
want to, I guess, reiterate for the listeners in
case they missed it. Like one. I think it's
very important that you choose a therapist that is
the best fit for you. And it is possible
to outgrow the therapist that you're working with so
that the first therapist that you were working with
(29:47):
that didn't align with your vision of now focusing
on you. But then when you found another therapist,
and they realized immediately that that was the focus.
Like, it's important to have the right therapist, not
just any old therapist will do. So that was
one thing I heard. Two is, you know, when
you're trying to leave a situation that is extremely
(30:08):
chaotic, focusing on peace and what brings you peace.
Three, I heard, you know, you talked about slowing
down, especially when you talked about the, you know,
the analogy of the rain and the windshield. I
think oftentimes when we're in situations or when we're
going through a thing, people tend to speed things
up. Oh, I have to do this now. Like,
they're trying to add things to their mind instead
(30:30):
of taking things off. And when you are in
fight or flight mode, your brain doesn't have the
capacity to even handle all the things that are
on it. So adding more is actually not helpful
to us. We do need to slow down, take
some things off our plate, regulate our nervous system
and give our bodies a chance to recover. And
(30:50):
like you said, lastly, like the reset, like there,
there are so many. And I also feel like
this, you know, I hear this a lot when
it comes to people in ministry or people that
are entrepreneurs, but it's like they feel guilty for
the rest and reset. And we are not, we're
not machines. We're not programmed, you know, to keep
(31:11):
going constantly, to be producing 24. 7. We are
human beings. We do need the rest to restore.
We do need the rest to reset, the rest
to recover. And I think if we understand that,
then we'll feel less guilty about the rest. It's
like, it's like someone who goes to the gym
(31:32):
and they're working out a certain body part. They
tell you after you've worked that body part to
give that body part rest and work a different
body part the next time you go, because that's
where the growth actually happens, in the rest. So
if you don't give yourself that chance to rest,
you're not going to get the growth that, that
you're looking for. So you said some, some very
key things there. I just wanted to reiterate those
(31:54):
things to the listeners.
Listen, if they don't learn anything else. You know,
here in Texas, we're very country and we tell
people, gross it down somewhere. Sit down, it's okay.
Sit down. Just take your rest. You know, because
(32:15):
it's, it's needed. Because not only will you. This
week on, you know, on my YouTube, I do
a lot on my daily dose. I do a
lot of affirmations, motivation, and inspiration, and I'm helping
women gather back to themselves. But one of the
major things that's been really big is realizing you
(32:35):
need more. You need you more than they do.
Yep.
You have to take time for yourself, whatever they
need if you're not there. Because going too fast,
your mind can only do so much. Your mind,
your body. No matter how much you try to
overwork yourself to forget about the pain that you
(32:56):
have, your stress levels go up.
Yep.
I had an anxiety attack and went in stroke
mode three times during my divorce and didn't even
know it. Nobody but God kept me from going
into a stroke mode. It got to a point
to where my doctor. I was going to my
doctor every other month to make sure that everything
(33:17):
was down. I no longer take blood pressure medicine.
I went from having to take it. It was
a must because both of my numbers were in
the 1000s at all times. Never, ever was low.
And a part of that was sit down. Because
you're going to overwork your body once your nerves
and you go through things, if you don't sit
(33:39):
down, it keeps going. It doesn't stop. And we
don't understand that about our body. We try to
go through things and try to make it seem
like I'm gonna make myself busy so no one
knows that I'm hurting. Your body does.
Yeah.
Because if you don't rest and go to sleep,
your body's going to keep doing it. Wasn't until
I stopped and sat down and stopped trying to
(34:01):
make myself busy and set in my problems. And
when it was time to cry, I cried. When
it was time to plan, I planned. I did
those things. And slowly, my doctor was like, your
stress levels are down. What are you doing different?
I said, I'm doing nothing. She says, you got
to be doing something. I said, no, I'm doing
nothing.
Literally.
What's different? I am sitting down. You do not
(34:23):
see me. I'm not pulling up to the scene
with my ceiling missing. I am nowhere. I cook
my own food. I change my diet of fruits
and vegetables. I don't want to be anywhere out
in public. I sat down, and that's what we
got to do. Just give yourself at least 90
days of it.
I think people don't realize the. I want to
(34:45):
say, the importance of processing your. Your hurt, your
feelings, your trauma, your. Your grief. Because when we
don't, you know, and for a lot of us,
because we're so used to being these Workhorses that
don't stop. And, you know, part of our anxiety
is, like, we got to keep going. I keep
busy. But if we don't process our body, like
(35:05):
you said, our body knows, you know, the. The
body is listening to everything that is going on
in the mind, and it starts to show up
in different areas. And part of my healing process,
like, my therapist recommended that I go see a
massage therapist, that I go to a chiropractor, that,
like, I had to go through all of these
different things because my heart rate, my resting heart
rate was almost regularly at 100, which was way
(35:28):
too high. Like, all of the signs of stress
were showing throughout my body, but I was showing
up, doing everything consistently because I was like, I
got to keep going. I don't. You know, I.
I don't want to feel. But it wasn't helpful.
So we actually have to process our feelings because
stress is a killer. Like you said, you know,
you were in stroke mode. Your body was just
(35:51):
like, girl, I'm not okay. So taking that time
to actually do nothing was probably, you know, one
of the key things that helped save you. But
also, you. You talked about how, you know, doing
things for other people. And it's like, I have
a saying where I'm like, their emergency is not
my emergency. So part of my healing journey is
(36:13):
I step back from being accessible to everyone. So
even though I'm on social, even though, you know,
people have certain quote unquote expectations of me, my
phone stays on do not disturb forever. Like, okay,
only my kid, only my kids and my man
get through do not disturb. So my phone ring,
goes straight. It's straight to voicemail. You're not gonna
throw me off of my. I could be having
(36:34):
a great day, and someone wants to call me
with their drama and their, you, oh, I need
this or I need that. But then they never
do the same for me in return. So I
learned to stop making everyone else's emergency my emergency.
That also includes my clients. They all schedule calls.
You can't just call me when you feel like
it. Like, setting certain boundaries to realize all these
(36:54):
things were actually triggering my anxiety. It was keeping
my heart rate up. Like, it was like, it
was actually doing more harm to me than I.
I realized. So. Putting certain boundaries in place. Yeah.
Yeah. And those.
No, I was gonna say, I would actually love
(37:15):
to know, like, what role did your support system
play in your healing and moving forward? Because we
were talking about, like, other people.
My support just really got on my nerves. I'm
thankful for it. I'm thankful for it. They would
never leave me, like, alone while I was in
(37:40):
the process of everything. They would sit on the
phone with me like somebody was on the phone
with me at all times until they heard me
snoring. And I was like, listen, I am fine.
And they're like, no. Like, they would be at
work. I would have friends at work with their
earbuds in, and they'd be doing their job.
Wow.
Just making sure that I was okay. Everybody took
(38:02):
turns. And when I finally told them, hey, I
just need to be by myself, I'm fine. I
just don't want any noise. And January, I talked
to no one. My kids came and things like
that, but I didn't talk to anyone. Everybody knew
that I was going to reset in January. And
it's funny, you talk about massages and things. My
(38:24):
therapist told me to go out and get a
plant. And I became. I became addicted. I'm about
to plant some ginger root. I'm about to plant
some ginger root. In a minute, I'm just like,
you know what? Fruit and vegetables are moving and
have their own bodies now.
Yeah.
Bananas are forming. I'm just gonna, you know, plant
my own. My whole house. Green became my favorite
(38:45):
color. Everything's green. I have greenery everywhere. And it
taught me so much about me. Watching it grow
brought growth within my life.
Yes.
And taking a piece of vine, putting it in
water, and watching it rebirth from nothing. It was
my new me. And my support supported me in
(39:08):
my ways. You know, they were there and they
saw, okay, this is a woman of God who
would pray and prophesy and cast out demons. And
now she's drunk and high, like, really going through
it, and this is not where she wants to
be behind closed doors. And so they really wanted
to be there for me. And some of them,
they would come and see me, and I'd be
(39:29):
like, look. And I'd be. I'm very transparent. I'd
be smoking and talking to them and everything else,
and they just. They. They supported me. They never
said, you need to step out. You need to
let me be me. They let me be me.
And I knew they would come around me with
blessed oil and everything else because that would be
(39:50):
my time. I had so much chaos going on
in my mind. And what made me really, really,
just really key into therapy is because I can
only talk to God. When I was high, when
I would try to pray, everything else was everything
else. It was just so much that was going
on. I was beating myself up. How did I
Get here. How was I here? And I'm here.
(40:12):
Why? How am I being tortured? And nobody sees
it, you know, I'm having a video and voice
note and record myself so people can believe that
this man is who he say he is, you
know, and, and all of that was going on
while trying to not show hundreds of thousands and
millions of people on social media that anything was
going on in my life.
(40:32):
Wow. Wow. I feel like, okay, so I, I,
for the most part, I feel like, okay, social
media can be what we make it. And I
feel like for the most part, social media has
been a positive, but there are seasons where I'm
just like, I feel like the, the need or
(40:54):
the desire one from the people who are watching
for access and information about someone's personal life. Sometimes
I don't understand it. And then on the flip
side, where it's like, yeah, you're going through something,
you're being traumatized, you're hurt, you're grieving, you're processing,
(41:15):
and the world is watching. And like you said,
there were, there were times where you're like, like,
did nobody not realize that I'm depressed? Or does
nobody not? But I think, again, because people have
their, their own perceptions and their, their view of
life based on their own experiences. For many people,
(41:35):
you know, they may not have put two and
two together with your story because they were putting
things together with their own narratives. Does that make
sense?
Yes.
Yeah. I, I mean, okay, so for the people
who are listening, what advice would you offer to
someone who is struggling to break free from, you
(41:58):
know, the, the type of trauma bond that can
be associated with. I don't want to label your
situation, but I know there's a lot of listeners
that have gone through narcissistic abuse. They've gone through
mental abuse, psychological abuse, spiritual abuse, financial abuse. You
know, what advice would you offer to someone who
is struggling to break free from that?
(42:18):
The first thing that I would tell them is
the only way you're going to break free is
if you mentally break free first. Don't go get
your body done. Don't go buy a new bag.
Don't go buy red bottoms. Don't go in. Buy
your way into happiness. Don't even try to eat
your way. Nothing. Look yourself in the mirror every
(42:39):
day and talk life into yourself. I tell my
clients all the time, write down where you are,
what you're feeling, and beside that, write something positive.
The only way. I am a writer. I keep
tablets everywhere. I refuse to let something stay in
my mind. I refuse to let something weight in
me, because it can seem like it's not something
(43:01):
that's there, but you begin to spiral out of
control, and you're like, where did this come from?
I'm having an identity crisis. No, it's been there.
You just ignored it every single time. I reevaluate
myself every single day. Did I have a good
day? Did I give everybody the love that they
needed? Not the love that I think I needed
(43:24):
people to give me, because my level of love
that I need may not be somebody else level
of love that they need. Right. But it's not
about treating people the way you want to be
treated. It's treating them the way they want to
be treated. And I reevaluate myself every day, and
that allows me to be able to think outside
of the thoughts that are negative. You know, Philippians
(43:45):
4. I think it's 4 and 8. You know,
whatever things are lovely, whatsoever things are true, whatever
things are just. You have to think on these
things. And so you and your thoughts control your
future, your present, and your life. If you get
your mind right, the rest of it will flow.
So a lot of people don't want to think
about the things they're in, so they want to
(44:07):
try to work through it, write it down, know
where you are, be real with yourself. Begin to
speak life into things that you see that are
feeling dead or that dead or dying, and things
are going to come and happen. But if you
speak into your life, you'll find yourself picking yourself
up and seeing yourself the way you need to.
(44:29):
And for me, once you do that, that is
what kept me being able to fight a narcissist,
manipulator, an abuser, mental. That's why my mind was
never engulfed and I never lost myself. May have
lost things. And I've gotten all of that back
then some. But I never lost the common denominator
(44:51):
to get the things back, which was me. Because
I was told if you function differently, I would
be okay. You are too strong for me. So
you and your mind, it's what's needed for you
to continue to succeed. Start getting your mind right.
Affirmative. And then you'll get yourself together to say,
(45:12):
okay, I need a therapist. Okay, I need to
work out. Okay, I need to do this. And
then things will flow.
Wow. I. So, yeah, like, I love that you
spoke to, like, the journaling piece and getting things
out and not allowing things to sit, because I
think people don't realize that when you suppress those
(45:33):
emotions, they go like it. It's not that it's
just sitting there, you're not dealing with it. It's
being absorbed within the body. It's affecting your health
physically. It's affecting your, your feelings, your, you know,
your thoughts. It's affecting you in so many ways
that you don't even realize. So it's important that
you actually express rather than suppress, you know, to
(45:54):
get out what is going on so that you're
not harboring those negative toxic emotions that are, you
know, causing us to have the self doubt, the
worry, the fear, the negative self talk, all those
other things. So before we go to the final
segment of the show, I would love if you
could tell the listeners where they could stay connected
(46:15):
with you and learn more from you and about
you.
Absolutely. You can go to my website. WW Rachel
R A C H E L G as in
goat. Rachel G.life not.com, not.R not.net. i like to
help people live the life that they deserve. So
I saw life being one. So it's dot life.
(46:36):
I'm also on all social media platforms. The real
underscore Rachel G. That's T H E R E
A L underscore R C H E L G.
And that's where you can find me all of
the things.
Awesome. Awesome. So the final segments, kind of like
a rapid fire. You say the first thing that
comes to mind. You can answer one word or
one sentence, but if you feel the need to
(46:57):
expand, you're more than welcome to do so.
Okay.
Okay. If you could create one law that everyone
in the world had to follow, what would that
be?
Love to love everybody.
Love it. If you could live in a book,
(47:18):
movie or TV show, what would it be?
I don't know. I don't really watch tv.
Okay, what about a book?
Think rich. Think rich. Grow rich.
Think and grow rich. Yeah.
Think and grow rich. And Pollen Hill. Okay.
Okay. What would the little version of Rachel be?
(47:42):
Proud of you for that.
She kept talking. She didn't let anybody silence her,
and she kept saying what needed to be said
and she stayed both.
Okay. What's your most repeated thought in a day?
You're really here.
(48:04):
Okay.
You're really here. Yeah.
What would you say is your superpower?
Healing.
Love it. Okay. What do you wish women would
do? More of another word. Love it. Love it,
love it. Thank you so much, Rachel, for taking
the time to join us today. Thank you for
(48:25):
your transparency, for your gems. Thank you for. I'm
going to say healing out loud. You know, there's
a lot of people that will heal in silence.
And your story is not only an inspiration and
a blueprint for others, but it's also a reminder
for yourself of your strength, of your healing, and
(48:48):
of the greatness that is within you. So thank
you for just being who you are.
Thank you for having me, and thank you for
making it so easy. Just a sister conversation. I
appreciate it.
I appreciate you always. And to all you listeners
out there, until next time, subscribe on all platforms.
Don't forget to rate the show and leave us
a review in Apple Podcast. And I want to
(49:10):
thank each and every one of you that continues
to listen each week for the last six years
to help the show rank globally in the top
1.5% of most popular podcasts out there. And there's
over 3 million shows out there, so you could
be listening to any of those right now. But
you're here listening with us. So we want to
hear what your moments were. We want to hear
what part of Rachel's story resonated with you most.
(49:32):
We want to hear what gems you took away
from hearing Rachel's story. Feel free to screenshot this
week's episode and you can tag Rachel at the
real Rachel IG. You can tag myself at the
real McKin Smith. A healthy community is a healing
community. And a healing community is full of hope
because it has seen its own people weather survive
(49:55):
and thrive. So let's continue to heal her.
I'm Makini Smith. After going through a divorce, my
sister passing away, experiencing narcissistic abuse and some significant
health scares, I realized through sharing my story that
I wasn't alone in my suffering. Suffering, subjective distress
generated by the experience of being out of balance,
in a deep dive to holistically heal mind, body
(00:21):
and soul is where I discovered peace, clarity and
connection. It is impossible to be truly wise without
some real life hardship. And we cannot develop post
traumatic wisdom without making it through and most importantly,
through it together. Social connection builds resilience and resilience
(00:43):
helps create post traumatic wisdom. And that wisdom leads
to hope. Hope for you and others, witnessing and
participating in your healing and hope for your community.
A healthy community is a healing community. And a
healing community is full of hope because it has
seen its own people weather, survive and thrive. Rachel
(01:22):
G. Is a life and love coach with 17
plus years of experience in dating, relationships and marriage
coaching. Featured on bet, cbs, Viacom and Black Enterprise,
she helps singles and couples build fulfilling lives and
strong relationships. Rachel has a hundred percent success rate
(01:43):
in saving marriages and is the founder of the
I'm Somebody's Wife and Women of Healing, advocating for
women's empowerment and healing. She also leads the Next
Generation Charm School for at risk Girls and an
18 year public speaker inspiring audiences nationwide. Author of
(02:07):
Steps to Heal for Purpose and I'm somebody's wife,
the 31 Day Journal. Rachel's work reaches over 35
million people monthly through her social media community and
private coaching. So please welcome to the show, Rachel
G. Hey, hey.
Hey.
(02:28):
Thank you so much for agreeing to come on
and share your journey with us. I honestly, you
know, we connected years ago online and I love
taking online connections offline and I've just been super
grateful to be connected to you, been super grateful
(02:48):
to be a part of your life, a part
of your journey to see you grow and evolve
and how you've been helping others along the way.
So I'm just grateful that you know, the listeners
get, I'm going to say a second chance on
this show to hear, you know, hear from you.
So thank you and thank you so.
Much for having me and this amazing alignment, you
(03:11):
know, business, ship, you know, networkship, friendship, and most
importantly, sistership. I have been enjoyed and been blessed
by you so many years back and so many
years to come.
Amen. Yes. Yes. So I feel like it has
been, I feel like it was in the first
year of the show that I had you on
(03:35):
and we are about to celebrate six years. So
it's been Some time.
Yeah.
So before we get to where you are presently
and how things have evolved and what you're doing
today, I would love if you could share with
the listeners a little bit about, like, what you
(03:57):
were like as a little girl and what's your
earliest childhood memory that defines who you are today.
Wow. As a little girl, it's so funny, because
I'm often reminded of the little girl in me.
As a little girl, I was not one of
(04:18):
those kids that just did what everybody wanted me
to. I asked questions. If I didn't like something,
I vocalized it. Even if I got in trouble
for it. I just felt like I had an
opinion. I wanted my opinion to be heard. I
wanted to express myself. And so I've always been
(04:40):
very bold. I've always been one that said what
I had to say. And as a little girl,
it started out being really disrespectful, and I got
in trouble enough to where I found a way
for it not to be disrespectful, but I still
had to learn how to stay in a child's
place. But I still wanted to say what I
(05:03):
said. I got in trouble. I got in trouble
a lot. But for me, it didn't matter about
getting in trouble, because I thought to myself, I
may get in trouble for this, but the seed
has been planted on what I said. And so
you heard me. And I grew up a pk,
(05:24):
a pastor's kid. And there were many times where
I didn't like some things and I said what
I didn't like because I, too, wanted to be
able to have my parents as well as the
church and the congregation, having my parents. And although
it would have been said in the wrong way,
it was heard, and it was changed. And so
(05:45):
it kind of molded me who I am today.
Those are some of my memories. Me, people call
it spoiled, but I call it really standing my
ground and having a voice.
Wow. You know, I always think about the labels
we were given as children and how that affects
(06:06):
who we become or how we perceive who we
are. And I know, like, so having West Indian
parents, I know oftentimes, for me, like, a lot
of the things that our parents found or labeled
as disrespectful or too much or are not okay
(06:29):
culturally. In other areas, it was fine. You know,
you were allowed to do certain things or it
wasn't considered that that way. So I love to,
I guess, think about. Okay, yeah. As kids say,
for example, where you said, you know, you were.
You were talkative, so you wanted to be heard,
and it was considered disrespectful. But now, as the
(06:52):
adult version of Rachel, if you look at those
traits and those qualities and how you were expressing
yourself then, like the similarities of how you've or
you express yourself now and how you utilize that
to your advantage, like, if you think about, yeah,
when you were a kid, yeah, it wasn't okay
(07:12):
to do these things. But now as a grown
woman, like, you're speaking your voice, you're stating your
boundaries. You're speaking up for what's right. You're advocating
for what's right. Like, I guess the difference in
perception. Does that make sense?
It is. And I'm laughing in the inside because
(07:34):
I'm laughing. I'm laughing in the inside side because
I needed my younger me to be who I
am today. You know, I help people and sometimes
I say the things that nobody want to say.
Yeah. And I don't say it rudely, but I
say what people need heard. And it gives people
(07:55):
I the voice for the brain. Millions of people,
because I'll say it and they'll be like, oh,
my God, somebody said it. Thank you. I didn't
know how to express it because I had to
learn at a young age to respect my elders,
but still say what I need to say. Now
(08:15):
I can say what I need to say respectfully.
I pray about it. Of course, now, back then
I would say and didn't think. But there's levels,
those levels to it. I've grown in wisdom. And
so that is what is also attract so many
people to me because I say what they want
to say. But society, life, religion, family, you know,
(08:38):
school and workplace says they can't. But I tell
them all the time, I am my job.
Yes. Yeah.
You know, I flick my lights on and I
notice they're still on. I turn my water on
and my water's still running, and I pay those
bills. So since I do that, I don't. I
(09:01):
don't know who is supposed to stop me from
saying what I want to say.
I'm laughing so hard because I can relate completely.
And I. I think it's funny how, you know,
as adults, when we have evolved and learned boundaries
(09:22):
and learned to use our voice and learned not
to put ourselves into these boxes, how other people
try to put you back into it. And when
you realize, oh, wait, hold on, you're not paying
my bills, your opinion does not pay my bills.
Let me be. Let me be. Okay, so I
would love to know how society, culture, or your
(09:45):
environment has shaped your Identity because we just talked
about like, you know, your, your upbringing and things
like that. But I would love to know how
society, culture or your environment has shaped your identity.
Oh, wow. You know, I'm an introvert by peace,
but you know, I am the life of the
(10:08):
party when I'm out, so I'm told because everybody
said they didn't laugh the whole time. I don't
think I'm a comedian. But society has changed so
much and that not only society, but I will
look at it as life. Decisions that have been
(10:28):
made in life has shaped and cultivated my own
society. We have society as a whole when it
comes to, especially in the US when it comes
to politics, when it comes to the way of
life and living. But when you learn that you
have to tap into your purpose and you got
(10:49):
to do the work of him that has sent
you and you tone in on what God wants
you to do and the well done that you
need, society no longer becomes public. It becomes a
personal thing. So my society for me is different.
I don't look at what's going on around me.
I look at what happened around me. To me,
(11:12):
if that makes sense. Going through a divorce and
traumatic, traumatic experiences put me in a position to
where now my society is my reality of my
past. And now I want to live better than
the situation I put myself in. And so I
(11:35):
haven't since I went through healing and since I've
bounce back to be who I am now, I
haven't looked at what's going on in society. I
focused on my personal society and I focus on
talking about that. And I realized that a lot
of people live in my society. So I'm not
(11:56):
in theirs because I'm out of theirs. And they're
trying to figure out how they could be where
I am.
That's powerful.
Everybody now, everybody now is so depressed and they're
living life just trying to be the next viral
or the next thing that looks like they're okay.
And so I didn't want to look like I
(12:17):
was okay. I wanted to be okay with not
being okay and put myself in a position to
be okay.
Yes, yes.
You know, everybody wants to go viral for likes
and that likes is either 30 seconds, 90 seconds,
Mount TikTok, 10 minutes or a picture. And people
think that your life is great. I could have
(12:38):
walked around and been married and no one knew
it, that I was going through what I was
going through. But me being divorced, everybody was like,
I would have never known. Because you don't look
past, you don't look past the picture, you don't
look past the video. Like I was telling people.
Did you not see that I was depressed? I
went from 147 pounds to 225.
(13:00):
Wow.
You thought it was happy weight. It was not
happy weight. It was. What am I doing? I'm
going to chew. Wait, listen.
People. People will take what they see online, and
it could be one picture, and they will create
an entire narrative. Right. Like, so I understand from.
(13:21):
From the work that I do in Mindset, I
understand as people, we think in pictures, but people
will create an entire narrative off of a picture.
And what I love about what you've done with
your journey is how you've always been so transparent,
where, you know, whether it be your ups and
downs and your weight or your mental health or
whatever you're dealing with, you've been transparent in a.
(13:42):
In a sense where you're not living by this
perception that you have to be perfect at all
times in order to be relatable, because none of
us are perfect.
And I'm far from it. You know, even as
a woman of God, I. I feel like those
afflictions. David said it. Those afflictions and those transgressions,
though, they come too. I was telling a client
(14:04):
today, you don't understand what you're growing through, because
we no longer go through anything the way it's
set up. We're not set up to go through
anything. We're set up to grow through it. Because
there's no losses, there's lessons. And those lessons put
us on a new level to be able to
help other people who feel like they're losing. Because,
you know, what we do, you and I, we
(14:25):
take what we've been through in years or been
through in months and teach people how to cultivate,
how to break free and transition out of it
in minutes.
Yes.
But somebody has to grow through it in order
to help everybody else. And. And so I think.
And a lot of that comes from the first
question that you asked, the boldness and the affirmations
(14:49):
that I told myself. You know, kindergarten, I was
bullied until my mom sat me down. She was
like, I need you to speak life into yourself.
I've been speaking affirmations to myself since I was
a little girl and I thought my life into
existence. I did a YouTube today. Live better, think
better. You know, and if we live better, we
(15:13):
think better. Live better. You can only be better
when you think better about yourself. And you're only
stuck in your situation as long as you think
you're stuck in your situation, you know? The man
at the pool of Bethesda, he told Jesus, when
he asked him, why aren't you healed? He said,
because nobody throws me in there. Too many people
(15:33):
are waiting on somebody. Well, you have three.
Nobody's coming to save you.
Yes, I told him, nobody's coming to save you.
This man had 365 days to get in a
pool, and he laid there and wait on somebody.
But then as soon as he was healed and
whole, he went back to the same group that
watched him and didn't even throw him or kick
(15:54):
him into the water. Like, we sit and we
wait on people when we are the ones that
save us. We have to go and ring our
own doorbell and get ourselves out of our house.
And so that is where I am with people.
Like, I had to save myself. There's a choice.
For the first time in life, I knew what
(16:16):
it was like to be public and spiraling and
trying to make it seem like I was okay
and I wasn't and going through, you know, dysfunctional
depression and being functional. Depression, depressed. And people just
applauding me. You're so anointed. You helped you do
this. I'm thinking to myself, you don't see what
(16:36):
I'm grow, going through. I don't even know anything
about fertilization. A seed right now, dry grass. And
you're sitting up here telling me how I just
shifted your life, and I am, like, about to
go home and drink a whole bottle of champagne
and mix tequila with it.
Wow.
(16:57):
And so people don't see it, but I thank
God that I said, you know what? I am
going to sit out, take a break, and I'm
going to take the world on the journey as
I'm coming out. So every time I was coming
out of a place, I was talking about the
place. So then when I told people that I
(17:18):
was filing for divorce, I was already divorced. And
so everybody was. Felt so sorry for me. But
I'm like, I'm over it, you know? Yeah, but.
Yeah, but people, they sit and they want people
to think they're okay, and that leads to a
worse line of depression in their life.
I. I think so many things, it. It speaks
(17:40):
to, you know, you showing up and that commitment
that you've made to yourself. But also I feel
like, okay, so I'm someone who will share my
scars, not my open wounds. So like you said,
after you've gone through the thing, that's when you
go public about it. Like, it. Because when you're
(18:02):
deep in it. And people are commenting and, like,
they're just making that wound even more painful. Right.
But I would love to know, like, okay, what
was the most unexpected challenge that you had or
that you faced after the divorce, and how did
you overcome it?
I think the most unexpected challenge that I faced
(18:25):
was leading to the divorce. And the divorce, it
was like all at once, once realizing that the
person that you married never wanted to marry you.
Them saying, I never wanted to marry you. I
just wanted to come up, and I couldn't come
(18:47):
up with you. So I'm going to try to
destroy your life. You know, I. You can't take
away inviting them into everything you have. You brought
everything to the table, but you didn't look at
it as if you brought everything to the table.
You gave them a piece of your pie, only
for them to try to eat the whole pie
(19:10):
and get mad at you for asking for a
slice. Knowing that the house, everything that you had,
the life you built for yourself and your children,
they wanted that life for them and their children
and not you and your children, like I wanted.
I didn't mind sharing this with you, but you
wanted to take it from me, throw me out
(19:32):
of the equation, and then just you and your
children enjoy it as if you built it that
for me. And then being at a place to
where I had my home. And you were. You
came to my home. Yeah, I had my home.
And I still think about when you asked me
where the restaurant was, and I was like, what?
(19:56):
Canadian versus American language. Where's the bathroom?
What is where? But after my. The day of
my divorce, walking into my house and realizing that
I had a home that was worth $375,000, and
(20:16):
now the home is worth less than 100,000 because
this person destroyed it. Wow. And telling a contractor,
telling me that the damages were $77,000, and me
knowing I only own I only owed 89,000 on
(20:38):
my house, and then having banks call me and
tell me, hey, guess what? You need to pay
this amount of thousands. Because he just went and
got as much money he could get back from
the bank and the taxes. And so I was
facing foreclosure. I was over. I was over the
amount of what I owed on the house. And
(21:01):
I tried to save it, but I realized I
was trying to save it to prove something to
him. And I'm not in the proving lifestyle anymore.
And so I called a few people and said,
you know, house is in one of the best
neighborhoods. Big house, you know, it was great for
the market. And I called a few people and
(21:21):
said, I'm about to sell my house, sight unseen.
First I had someone to come out, and she
said, you may walk away with $20,000.
Wow.
If you do this, if a realtor does this,
because he's taken a lot from you. And so
I reached out to a few investors that I
knew and I said, hey, I'm selling my house.
(21:42):
Fight unseen. And one of them gave me an
offer that I could not refuse. It was over
double than what I owed and pay the house
off. And that was a part of my bounce
back. But I had to put my mind there.
I had to tell myself, you will not stop,
you know, here. If your affirmation was you were
(22:05):
going to, you know, pay your house off, it
doesn't matter how the house gets paid off. If
you have to sell it to pay it off,
sell it to pay it off. I managed to
still do all of my affirmations, complete all of
my goals. One of them was to sell my
house. I mean, not to sell my house, to
pay my house off before the due date. I
(22:27):
did that may not have been like I wanted
to, but I wrote them a check for over
80,000. And that for me was because that house
was for my children. No matter where I lived
in the world, I wanted that to be something
that they had. And for me, everything I built
(22:47):
from the ground up, I was on food stamps
and housing, and I built the life that I
have with God's direction. And someone came in who
didn't mean me any good and had no intentions
on loving me, not even as a friend, came
in and tried to destroy everything I had. So
that for me was something where I was like,
(23:08):
oh, my God, that is crazy.
I. Listen, I am so sorry that you experienced
that. Like, you know, I was at the wedding
that I. I feel like every time I hear
more parts of your story, I slightly get triggered
(23:29):
because the guy that I came to your wedding
with put me through that.
Listen.
Yes, and you know, I've. I've talked about my
experience on this podcast enough, so I'm not even
gonna go there. But I mean, I know that
there are women that are listening that are like,
what? Like, how. How did you. How did you
(23:51):
even. Aside from the affirmations and having God as
your foundation, like, how did you even rebuild your
self worth after that? Because it's like one. One
thing is realizing, okay, the person that you married
didn't actually want to marry you or didn't. Doesn't
even know how to love. But when these people
(24:14):
financially abuse you, spiritually abuse you, the. The mental,
emotional manipulation, like all of these things. Like, like
what were. Okay, so what were some of the
key steps in rebuilding your self worth after being
in such a relationship?
Therapy.
Speak it, girl. I. I still go every week.
(24:37):
I do, too. I started therapy, believe it or
not, in 2020, I realized I made a mistake
and I was not in the marriage that God
wanted me to be in. It was off to
me, but I'm in the public eye, you know,
I'm doing matchmaking shows for bet. I'm doing all
(24:59):
these things. And so maybe it's just me, maybe
it's just where I am. Maybe I need to
fix me. So I started therapy.
Started therapy for the marriage. I started therapy to
try to save the marriage or figure out what
was going on. And the more I tried to
work on the marriage and then try to even
work on me, if there was anything, the worst.
(25:22):
The marriage got in turn and just spiraled. And
so I remember telling my therapist, I no longer
want to work on saving my marriage. I want
to work on saving me. And she told me,
she says, well, I don't think that's what you
should do. I think you should work on saving
your marriage. And I said, well, this will be
our last session. I prayed about it. Hired another
(25:47):
therapist within five minutes of our conversation. I never
told her that I wanted to save me. I
told her where I was, and she says, well,
we're. We're about to work on saving you. And
I instantly knew that that was a connection.
I'm getting chills now. I knew that that was
a connection for me to start working on me.
So I started therapy, leaving out of the marriage
(26:11):
before I even filed for divorce. I filed for
divorce on my anniversary, on our anniversary day. I
said, because you never wanted to marry me. I
don't want this anniversary being a day where I
remember the marriage. It's my divorce. And so I
filed for my divorce on the day that we
(26:34):
got married. But therapy didn't stop from there. I
went through every line of therapy that I could.
I called all my clients, told all my clients,
because I'm a relationship expert, I'm helping people, you
know, save their marriage, and nobody's knowing anything because
their life is great.
And I told them, I said, I need to
(26:55):
take a break. I need to take a break,
and I need. I don't know what this looks
like for this year, but I don't want to
coach right now. And there were times in coaching
where I Said, this isn't for me. I don't
even want to do this anymore. I was going
to start just digital marketing and digital products and
(27:18):
that was it. I had no plans on coming
back to coach, to speak, to help, to preach,
to do anything.
I wanted to live a life just by myself
and behind my computer and making money that way.
But that had nothing to do with being hurt.
It's just that my life was so busy and
(27:39):
congested with people and I wanted to be by
myself. It was loud and I wanted peace, but
I didn't realize that the part of my journey
was going to be needed for the future.
But there is a time where I needed peace.
So I tell anybody, you got to stop. It's
just like driving and the sun is shining and
(28:01):
rain comes out of nowhere and you cannot see
what's in front of you. You got to pull
over. Sometimes when it's raining really hard in a
storm, no matter how fast you do your windshield
wipers, the rain is still going to come. You
can't see in front of you. And if you're
not careful, you can cr. So it's best to
sit on the side of the road and wait
on the rain to die down before you get
(28:21):
back on the road, let it clear. Because if
you let it clear, you at least have your
life. And so I got on side of the
road because I needed to let myself let the
life and the storm of my life clear so
that I can know who I was again and
appreciate.
Appreciate everything. I just. It was so much noise.
(28:43):
It was every day having someone wake up, wake
you up even not living in the same room,
but under the same roof, wake you up to
curse you out. Coming to wake you up before
they go to bed to curse you out. Everything
is an argument and you're just listening or reading
your Bible and it's an issue. And so for
(29:03):
me it was so chaotic that I just wanted
to be by myself from January of this year
all the way until June. I didn't go anywhere,
didn't go out to eat. I did a self
resting. It. It was the best thing I could
have ever done in life.
Like there. Okay, so there's so many important key
(29:25):
points that, that I heard there that I just
want to, I guess, reiterate for the listeners in
case they missed it. Like one. I think it's
very important that you choose a therapist that is
the best fit for you. And it is possible
to outgrow the therapist that you're working with so
that the first therapist that you were working with
(29:47):
that didn't align with your vision of now focusing
on you. But then when you found another therapist,
and they realized immediately that that was the focus.
Like, it's important to have the right therapist, not
just any old therapist will do. So that was
one thing I heard. Two is, you know, when
you're trying to leave a situation that is extremely
(30:08):
chaotic, focusing on peace and what brings you peace.
Three, I heard, you know, you talked about slowing
down, especially when you talked about the, you know,
the analogy of the rain and the windshield. I
think oftentimes when we're in situations or when we're
going through a thing, people tend to speed things
up. Oh, I have to do this now. Like,
they're trying to add things to their mind instead
(30:30):
of taking things off. And when you are in
fight or flight mode, your brain doesn't have the
capacity to even handle all the things that are
on it. So adding more is actually not helpful
to us. We do need to slow down, take
some things off our plate, regulate our nervous system
and give our bodies a chance to recover. And
(30:50):
like you said, lastly, like the reset, like there,
there are so many. And I also feel like
this, you know, I hear this a lot when
it comes to people in ministry or people that
are entrepreneurs, but it's like they feel guilty for
the rest and reset. And we are not, we're
not machines. We're not programmed, you know, to keep
(31:11):
going constantly, to be producing 24. 7. We are
human beings. We do need the rest to restore.
We do need the rest to reset, the rest
to recover. And I think if we understand that,
then we'll feel less guilty about the rest. It's
like, it's like someone who goes to the gym
(31:32):
and they're working out a certain body part. They
tell you after you've worked that body part to
give that body part rest and work a different
body part the next time you go, because that's
where the growth actually happens, in the rest. So
if you don't give yourself that chance to rest,
you're not going to get the growth that, that
you're looking for. So you said some, some very
key things there. I just wanted to reiterate those
(31:54):
things to the listeners.
Listen, if they don't learn anything else. You know,
here in Texas, we're very country and we tell
people, gross it down somewhere. Sit down, it's okay.
Sit down. Just take your rest. You know, because
(32:15):
it's, it's needed. Because not only will you. This
week on, you know, on my YouTube, I do
a lot on my daily dose. I do a
lot of affirmations, motivation, and inspiration, and I'm helping
women gather back to themselves. But one of the
major things that's been really big is realizing you
(32:35):
need more. You need you more than they do.
Yep.
You have to take time for yourself, whatever they
need if you're not there. Because going too fast,
your mind can only do so much. Your mind,
your body. No matter how much you try to
overwork yourself to forget about the pain that you
(32:56):
have, your stress levels go up.
Yep.
I had an anxiety attack and went in stroke
mode three times during my divorce and didn't even
know it. Nobody but God kept me from going
into a stroke mode. It got to a point
to where my doctor. I was going to my
doctor every other month to make sure that everything
(33:17):
was down. I no longer take blood pressure medicine.
I went from having to take it. It was
a must because both of my numbers were in
the 1000s at all times. Never, ever was low.
And a part of that was sit down. Because
you're going to overwork your body once your nerves
and you go through things, if you don't sit
(33:39):
down, it keeps going. It doesn't stop. And we
don't understand that about our body. We try to
go through things and try to make it seem
like I'm gonna make myself busy so no one
knows that I'm hurting. Your body does.
Yeah.
Because if you don't rest and go to sleep,
your body's going to keep doing it. Wasn't until
I stopped and sat down and stopped trying to
(34:01):
make myself busy and set in my problems. And
when it was time to cry, I cried. When
it was time to plan, I planned. I did
those things. And slowly, my doctor was like, your
stress levels are down. What are you doing different?
I said, I'm doing nothing. She says, you got
to be doing something. I said, no, I'm doing
nothing.
Literally.
What's different? I am sitting down. You do not
(34:23):
see me. I'm not pulling up to the scene
with my ceiling missing. I am nowhere. I cook
my own food. I change my diet of fruits
and vegetables. I don't want to be anywhere out
in public. I sat down, and that's what we
got to do. Just give yourself at least 90
days of it.
I think people don't realize the. I want to
(34:45):
say, the importance of processing your. Your hurt, your
feelings, your trauma, your. Your grief. Because when we
don't, you know, and for a lot of us,
because we're so used to being these Workhorses that
don't stop. And, you know, part of our anxiety
is, like, we got to keep going. I keep
busy. But if we don't process our body, like
(35:05):
you said, our body knows, you know, the. The
body is listening to everything that is going on
in the mind, and it starts to show up
in different areas. And part of my healing process,
like, my therapist recommended that I go see a
massage therapist, that I go to a chiropractor, that,
like, I had to go through all of these
different things because my heart rate, my resting heart
rate was almost regularly at 100, which was way
(35:28):
too high. Like, all of the signs of stress
were showing throughout my body, but I was showing
up, doing everything consistently because I was like, I
got to keep going. I don't. You know, I.
I don't want to feel. But it wasn't helpful.
So we actually have to process our feelings because
stress is a killer. Like you said, you know,
you were in stroke mode. Your body was just
(35:51):
like, girl, I'm not okay. So taking that time
to actually do nothing was probably, you know, one
of the key things that helped save you. But
also, you. You talked about how, you know, doing
things for other people. And it's like, I have
a saying where I'm like, their emergency is not
my emergency. So part of my healing journey is
(36:13):
I step back from being accessible to everyone. So
even though I'm on social, even though, you know,
people have certain quote unquote expectations of me, my
phone stays on do not disturb forever. Like, okay,
only my kid, only my kids and my man
get through do not disturb. So my phone ring,
goes straight. It's straight to voicemail. You're not gonna
throw me off of my. I could be having
(36:34):
a great day, and someone wants to call me
with their drama and their, you, oh, I need
this or I need that. But then they never
do the same for me in return. So I
learned to stop making everyone else's emergency my emergency.
That also includes my clients. They all schedule calls.
You can't just call me when you feel like
it. Like, setting certain boundaries to realize all these
(36:54):
things were actually triggering my anxiety. It was keeping
my heart rate up. Like, it was like, it
was actually doing more harm to me than I.
I realized. So. Putting certain boundaries in place. Yeah.
Yeah. And those.
No, I was gonna say, I would actually love
(37:15):
to know, like, what role did your support system
play in your healing and moving forward? Because we
were talking about, like, other people.
My support just really got on my nerves. I'm
thankful for it. I'm thankful for it. They would
never leave me, like, alone while I was in
(37:40):
the process of everything. They would sit on the
phone with me like somebody was on the phone
with me at all times until they heard me
snoring. And I was like, listen, I am fine.
And they're like, no. Like, they would be at
work. I would have friends at work with their
earbuds in, and they'd be doing their job.
Wow.
Just making sure that I was okay. Everybody took
(38:02):
turns. And when I finally told them, hey, I
just need to be by myself, I'm fine. I
just don't want any noise. And January, I talked
to no one. My kids came and things like
that, but I didn't talk to anyone. Everybody knew
that I was going to reset in January. And
it's funny, you talk about massages and things. My
(38:24):
therapist told me to go out and get a
plant. And I became. I became addicted. I'm about
to plant some ginger root. I'm about to plant
some ginger root. In a minute, I'm just like,
you know what? Fruit and vegetables are moving and
have their own bodies now.
Yeah.
Bananas are forming. I'm just gonna, you know, plant
my own. My whole house. Green became my favorite
(38:45):
color. Everything's green. I have greenery everywhere. And it
taught me so much about me. Watching it grow
brought growth within my life.
Yes.
And taking a piece of vine, putting it in
water, and watching it rebirth from nothing. It was
my new me. And my support supported me in
(39:08):
my ways. You know, they were there and they
saw, okay, this is a woman of God who
would pray and prophesy and cast out demons. And
now she's drunk and high, like, really going through
it, and this is not where she wants to
be behind closed doors. And so they really wanted
to be there for me. And some of them,
they would come and see me, and I'd be
(39:29):
like, look. And I'd be. I'm very transparent. I'd
be smoking and talking to them and everything else,
and they just. They. They supported me. They never
said, you need to step out. You need to
let me be me. They let me be me.
And I knew they would come around me with
blessed oil and everything else because that would be
(39:50):
my time. I had so much chaos going on
in my mind. And what made me really, really,
just really key into therapy is because I can
only talk to God. When I was high, when
I would try to pray, everything else was everything
else. It was just so much that was going
on. I was beating myself up. How did I
Get here. How was I here? And I'm here.
(40:12):
Why? How am I being tortured? And nobody sees
it, you know, I'm having a video and voice
note and record myself so people can believe that
this man is who he say he is, you
know, and, and all of that was going on
while trying to not show hundreds of thousands and
millions of people on social media that anything was
going on in my life.
(40:32):
Wow. Wow. I feel like, okay, so I, I,
for the most part, I feel like, okay, social
media can be what we make it. And I
feel like for the most part, social media has
been a positive, but there are seasons where I'm
just like, I feel like the, the need or
(40:54):
the desire one from the people who are watching
for access and information about someone's personal life. Sometimes
I don't understand it. And then on the flip
side, where it's like, yeah, you're going through something,
you're being traumatized, you're hurt, you're grieving, you're processing,
(41:15):
and the world is watching. And like you said,
there were, there were times where you're like, like,
did nobody not realize that I'm depressed? Or does
nobody not? But I think, again, because people have
their, their own perceptions and their, their view of
life based on their own experiences. For many people,
(41:35):
you know, they may not have put two and
two together with your story because they were putting
things together with their own narratives. Does that make
sense?
Yes.
Yeah. I, I mean, okay, so for the people
who are listening, what advice would you offer to
someone who is struggling to break free from, you
(41:58):
know, the, the type of trauma bond that can
be associated with. I don't want to label your
situation, but I know there's a lot of listeners
that have gone through narcissistic abuse. They've gone through
mental abuse, psychological abuse, spiritual abuse, financial abuse. You
know, what advice would you offer to someone who
is struggling to break free from that?
(42:18):
The first thing that I would tell them is
the only way you're going to break free is
if you mentally break free first. Don't go get
your body done. Don't go buy a new bag.
Don't go buy red bottoms. Don't go in. Buy
your way into happiness. Don't even try to eat
your way. Nothing. Look yourself in the mirror every
(42:39):
day and talk life into yourself. I tell my
clients all the time, write down where you are,
what you're feeling, and beside that, write something positive.
The only way. I am a writer. I keep
tablets everywhere. I refuse to let something stay in
my mind. I refuse to let something weight in
me, because it can seem like it's not something
(43:01):
that's there, but you begin to spiral out of
control, and you're like, where did this come from?
I'm having an identity crisis. No, it's been there.
You just ignored it every single time. I reevaluate
myself every single day. Did I have a good
day? Did I give everybody the love that they
needed? Not the love that I think I needed
(43:24):
people to give me, because my level of love
that I need may not be somebody else level
of love that they need. Right. But it's not
about treating people the way you want to be
treated. It's treating them the way they want to
be treated. And I reevaluate myself every day, and
that allows me to be able to think outside
of the thoughts that are negative. You know, Philippians
(43:45):
4. I think it's 4 and 8. You know,
whatever things are lovely, whatsoever things are true, whatever
things are just. You have to think on these
things. And so you and your thoughts control your
future, your present, and your life. If you get
your mind right, the rest of it will flow.
So a lot of people don't want to think
about the things they're in, so they want to
(44:07):
try to work through it, write it down, know
where you are, be real with yourself. Begin to
speak life into things that you see that are
feeling dead or that dead or dying, and things
are going to come and happen. But if you
speak into your life, you'll find yourself picking yourself
up and seeing yourself the way you need to.
(44:29):
And for me, once you do that, that is
what kept me being able to fight a narcissist,
manipulator, an abuser, mental. That's why my mind was
never engulfed and I never lost myself. May have
lost things. And I've gotten all of that back
then some. But I never lost the common denominator
(44:51):
to get the things back, which was me. Because
I was told if you function differently, I would
be okay. You are too strong for me. So
you and your mind, it's what's needed for you
to continue to succeed. Start getting your mind right.
Affirmative. And then you'll get yourself together to say,
(45:12):
okay, I need a therapist. Okay, I need to
work out. Okay, I need to do this. And
then things will flow.
Wow. I. So, yeah, like, I love that you
spoke to, like, the journaling piece and getting things
out and not allowing things to sit, because I
think people don't realize that when you suppress those
(45:33):
emotions, they go like it. It's not that it's
just sitting there, you're not dealing with it. It's
being absorbed within the body. It's affecting your health
physically. It's affecting your, your feelings, your, you know,
your thoughts. It's affecting you in so many ways
that you don't even realize. So it's important that
you actually express rather than suppress, you know, to
(45:54):
get out what is going on so that you're
not harboring those negative toxic emotions that are, you
know, causing us to have the self doubt, the
worry, the fear, the negative self talk, all those
other things. So before we go to the final
segment of the show, I would love if you
could tell the listeners where they could stay connected
(46:15):
with you and learn more from you and about
you.
Absolutely. You can go to my website. WW Rachel
R A C H E L G as in
goat. Rachel G.life not.com, not.R not.net. i like to
help people live the life that they deserve. So
I saw life being one. So it's dot life.
(46:36):
I'm also on all social media platforms. The real
underscore Rachel G. That's T H E R E
A L underscore R C H E L G.
And that's where you can find me all of
the things.
Awesome. Awesome. So the final segments, kind of like
a rapid fire. You say the first thing that
comes to mind. You can answer one word or
one sentence, but if you feel the need to
(46:57):
expand, you're more than welcome to do so.
Okay.
Okay. If you could create one law that everyone
in the world had to follow, what would that
be?
Love to love everybody.
Love it. If you could live in a book,
(47:18):
movie or TV show, what would it be?
I don't know. I don't really watch tv.
Okay, what about a book?
Think rich. Think rich. Grow rich.
Think and grow rich. Yeah.
Think and grow rich. And Pollen Hill. Okay.
Okay. What would the little version of Rachel be?
(47:42):
Proud of you for that.
She kept talking. She didn't let anybody silence her,
and she kept saying what needed to be said
and she stayed both.
Okay. What's your most repeated thought in a day?
You're really here.
(48:04):
Okay.
You're really here. Yeah.
What would you say is your superpower?
Healing.
Love it. Okay. What do you wish women would
do? More of another word. Love it. Love it,
love it. Thank you so much, Rachel, for taking
the time to join us today. Thank you for
(48:25):
your transparency, for your gems. Thank you for. I'm
going to say healing out loud. You know, there's
a lot of people that will heal in silence.
And your story is not only an inspiration and
a blueprint for others, but it's also a reminder
for yourself of your strength, of your healing, and
(48:48):
of the greatness that is within you. So thank
you for just being who you are.
Thank you for having me, and thank you for
making it so easy. Just a sister conversation. I
appreciate it.
I appreciate you always. And to all you listeners
out there, until next time, subscribe on all platforms.
Don't forget to rate the show and leave us
a review in Apple Podcast. And I want to
(49:10):
thank each and every one of you that continues
to listen each week for the last six years
to help the show rank globally in the top
1.5% of most popular podcasts out there. And there's
over 3 million shows out there, so you could
be listening to any of those right now. But
you're here listening with us. So we want to
hear what your moments were. We want to hear
what part of Rachel's story resonated with you most.
(49:32):
We want to hear what gems you took away
from hearing Rachel's story. Feel free to screenshot this
week's episode and you can tag Rachel at the
real Rachel IG. You can tag myself at the
real McKin Smith. A healthy community is a healing
community. And a healing community is full of hope
because it has seen its own people weather survive
(49:55):
and thrive. So let's continue to heal her.
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