October 10, 2024 • 46 mins
In this heartfelt episode, Tanya Deonarine is a remarkable woman who embodies resilience and strength. Tanya's journey has been shaped by profound personal experiences, including the loss of two siblings and surviving trauma, which she openly shares with us. Her story is a testament to the power of perseverance and the importance of community in healing.
We began our conversation by exploring Tanya's childhood aspirations. As the oldest of six children, she always envisioned herself as a mother and a helper, a dream that has beautifully manifested in her life today. Tanya's early memories are marked by challenges, including the loss of her brother at a young age and the recent passing of her sister. Despite these hardships, she has chosen to rise above her circumstances, using her experiences to foster connection and support for others.
Tanya's relationship with her firefighter husband adds another layer to her story. We discussed the unique challenges of being married to someone in a high-stress profession and how they navigate the complexities of their family life together. Tanya emphasized the importance of understanding and patience, both for herself and her husband, as they support each other through the ups and downs of life.
As a mother of two boys, Tanya is deeply involved in their lives, including managing her older son's racing career. She candidly shared the struggles of being a "momager" in a sport often dominated by wealth and male figures. Tanya's fierce, protective nature shines through as she advocates for her children, teaching them to navigate the challenges of bullying and societal pressures.
Throughout our conversation, Tanya highlighted the significance of self-care and emotional expression. She believes in the power of sharing feelings and experiences, both for herself and her children, to foster a healthy emotional environment. Her mantra, "Just have a day," serves as a reminder to embrace each moment, regardless of its challenges.
This episode celebrates resilience, love, and the strength of community. Tanya's story is not just about overcoming adversity; it's about finding hope and purpose in the face of life's trials. I encourage you to listen closely, as her insights and experiences can inspire us all to embrace our journeys and support one another in healing.
Stay connected with Tanya online:
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I'm Makini Smith. After going through a divorce, my sister passing
away, experiencing narcissistic abuse, and some
significant health scares, I realized through sharing my
story that I wasn't alone in my suffering. Suffering, subjective
distress generated by the experience of being out of
balance. In a deep dive to holistically heal mind,
(00:21):
body, and soul is where I discovered peace, clarity,
and connection. It is impossible to be truly wise
without some real life hardship, and we cannot develop
post-traumatic wisdom without making it through, and most
importantly, through it together. Social
connection builds resilience, and resilience helps create
(00:44):
post-traumatic wisdom, and that wisdom leads to hope. hope
for you and others witnessing and participating in
your healing, and hope for your community. A
healthy community is a healing community, and a healing community is
full of hope because it has seen its own people weather,
survive, and thrive. Tanya
(01:23):
Donnerine is a mother, a wife, and
a manager of people. So please welcome to the show,
Thank you. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you
Thank you. I am excited to learn more about you
and your story, your family story. So
(01:48):
I have a thing for like getting to know phenomenal
women on a deeper level. My interest in how your
brain works, how you move through your adversities, obviously
everyone can learn from it, but selfishly I'm like How
can I learn from this magnificent woman? And I get
excited when other women that have been on the show connect me with
(02:10):
other phenomenal women. So, shout out to Connie for
that. So, before
we get into where things are presently, I love to,
as an icebreaker question, get to know a little bit about how
you operated when you were younger. So, you
know, society tends to shape how we
(02:31):
think and how we feel and sometimes limits us unintentionally.
So I would love to know who or what did you want to
Yeah, I think that's a great question. But honestly, as
a little girl, I mean, I was the oldest of
six kids. So I don't know
(02:52):
if it was nature or nurture. But for me, I knew I was
going to grow up, get married, have a
family, and work in some sort of industry where
I felt I was helping people. So whether
it be, you know, my work or my volunteer career, I that
has never changed. I can't say that I specifically had,
(03:14):
you know, any ambition to be, you know, like a pilot or
anything, but definitely a mother that was going to happen no
matter what. So I'm very grateful
that I was blessed with two boys and
a husband, you know, that is just as equally
caring and involved in the family. So I
(03:35):
definitely I got what I wished for.
So yeah, it did.
It sure did. I love it. I love it. So I want to actually
get deeper into what you just said, especially about having
a husband that basically is a mirror of
your personality and how much you love and care and the
(03:56):
desire to serve. But before I do that, I would love to know, like,
what's your earliest childhood memory that defines who you
Wow. So I think, you
know, I had, I have quite a few memories. But
I have to say that some of the more
(04:18):
challenging times in my in my life, I think I've gone
through a lot of things that a person, you
know, shouldn't have to go through in a lifetime. And I did that at a very early age.
So I did mention that, yeah, I'm the oldest of
six kids, but along my journey,
I've lost two of those siblings. One
(04:40):
when I was, yeah, it was really tough. One
when I was 12 and actually just last
year I lost my sister. So, I mean, that
alone could make or break a person and
I chose not to let that happen to me.
It's been a struggle. But I
(05:04):
I just persevered because like I said, I at
this point in my life, I have a family and I knew before I
wanted to have a family and a career and I wasn't going
to let me let that hold me down. I mean,
I also like had some other kind of
trauma. I'm a survivor of sexual
(05:25):
abuse. My my parents
very early on divorced. It was not
a great environment. But again, when
you look back, you could either fall prey to
all of those feelings and the blackness and darkness in
your mind and just give in to all of that. But I
(05:48):
think that, again, persevering and
talking about it and telling my story and letting other people know like,
hey, I don't know how your feeling,
but I can tell you how I managed to get through this,
right? So it's, it's
just a bit of everything, you know, that
(06:11):
kind of shaped who I am today. And, you
know, now I have my family and there's different challenges, but
I think the way I look at things because
of what's happened in my life, I think I'm, I'm
stronger for it. And I just find a way. I
find a way. And I know my husband is the same. Like he knows everything.
(06:33):
That's happened in my life. He knows, you know, when
to kind of support me, when to leave me alone. And we
just, we just go with the flow, to be honest with you.
And we do everything in our power to protect our kids, but
also not let them live like a blind life, right?
Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I mean, first off, I'm
(06:56):
sorry that you had to experience those parts
of life, you know, the grief and the abuse. But I also commend
you for the strength and vulnerability to continue
to share your story with others so that they know that they're not alone. That's a
huge part of what the show is about. So I am deeply
grateful for women like yourself that are bold
(07:17):
enough to speak openly about your story so people that are listening can
know that they are not alone and that there's no shame in sharing our stories and
how it can actually make us stronger and
Yeah, no problem. I don't think anybody should feel shame and
grief, you know, it's not a great club to be in,
(07:39):
but it's also, you know, if, if
you can make your way through it and find somebody that
shares a similar experience, like it's, it's
doable. You don't need to, you know, fall in that dark
Yeah, so I lost my sister in 2012 and
I lost my grandmother who helped raise me the following summer and I
(08:04):
guess it's helped me not only have more empathy for other
people going through their grieving process and more patience for people going
through that, but also seeing how I
was able to transmute my pain into purpose.
Like, I would not be the version of me that I am
today had I not had those experiences,
(08:27):
right? It's completely shifted me and I'm
going to say forced me to be a better person and forced me to
want to be a better person when we think about legacy and
we think about how we make other people feel and the lives that we're able to touch.
So knowing that you had a recent loss, my
condolences. And I, you
(08:49):
know, you've started out sharing a lot about how
your husband is very similar to you, and I would love to,
I guess, speak to how you
two, one, because I'm a lover of love, so
as much as I've had, you know, a bad history with it and bad experiences, I
recently got engaged and I always believe in love and I love seeing other
(09:10):
couples and hearing other stories, so I would
love if you could share I guess a little bit about
how you and your husband have been able to build
the relationship and understanding that you have for each other now, because like you're saying,
you're kind of mirrors of each other, but he knows when to support you,
when to leave you alone, that evolution of that relationship. And
(09:33):
you share before we started recording that you guys have known each other since high school. So
I would love if you could share with the listeners just a little bit about
Yeah, for sure. I mean, yeah, we've known each other since high school.
We didn't get together until later in life. We
were in university, actually went to university together
too. And that's kind of where things developed. I
(09:57):
think for us, and
I, for the listeners that are wives of
firefighters, you know, I, it's a struggle and
it's very hard and I
think if anybody listening can
understand that this is not an easy job
(10:19):
for them, they will come home just as, you
know, whatever day they had, you know, good
or bad, that transcends into
the way they are at home, right? And it's
very difficult. It's very difficult for the children, you
know, even just schedule changes. But I think for
(10:42):
me and him, I can move past
it because I have dealt with my own trauma. You
know what I mean? And I can't
imagine for some of these scenarios, because
the loss of my brother and my sister was tragic. And we
have a connection where the fire department
(11:06):
that he's on, those individuals he
works with actually came to the calls for
my siblings. So it's a very, yeah, it's very weird.
And it's just this like connect deep connection
that it's, it's, it's hard to explain, but not
only that, but like I said earlier, we, he
(11:27):
can come home, he can be tired. He can be
a bit cranky, but I can, appreciate
what he's gone through because that's not
easy. I don't really want to
get into what he's seen, but it's not easy, right? So
I think it's very important to
(11:52):
realize that it's not me.
Like it's he's not taking anything out on me. That's that's his
issue. That's him when he's ready, you know, to talk to
me or he goes sleeps comes back. That's, you know, whatever,
we're good. So I'm not pushing it. I'm not forcing it. And
but but it does get to you sometimes, right? Like you have to,
(12:13):
but you have to remember and keep telling yourself like, to be
in a good mind mindset. It's, it's not you,
it's the day you had, will be back to normal tomorrow,
right? So it's, it's
taken 20 years. But I
mean, it's still a work in progress. But I it's
(12:35):
it's a lot of patience and a lot of understanding. And
it's definitely not easy. But I think our focus is our kids. And
I know a lot of couples stay together for their kids. I don't necessarily
think that's healthy. But I don't think it's unhealthy to
want to try and work something out right to to keep
your family together. So Yeah so
(13:01):
There's a lot you said there that I kind of want to like highlight some
things and things where you're concerned especially so
one like your husband being a firefighter speaks to
his character because I feel like it definitely requires someone
who is bold and brave and prioritizes being of
service and helping other people to even be a firefighter. Like to
(13:23):
think that you're going to run into a burning building to save a complete stranger,
so you're risking your life to save a life. And
also, to i guess how
that affects you as a person as a mom with
being the support system for someone with
that kind of risky job like obviously you
(13:46):
know, we all, when our family leaves the house, you
pray that they all come home safe and you know, all of those things, but I can only
imagine the levels for yourself. So I guess even
just for the listeners that are listening, maybe they don't have a
partner with a high risk or high stress job
like your husband, but how to be, or I
(14:07):
guess how to cope with those thoughts. And
then also, you know, you spoke about knowing that it's not
your fault when he's had a hard day and like, so ways in
which you're able to cope and not
Yeah, yeah, that's, that's good. And it's, yeah,
it's, it's probably like a loaded question. Everybody kind
(14:29):
of copes different ways or, you know, try
and try, you know, people try and do things in
a way that they're, you know, not affected. So,
I mean, some days like, you
know, you just like one of my favorite quotes is just to have
a day, you know, like you don't need to have a good day, a
(14:52):
bad day. You know, if it's just you
getting up, going through, like my husband, he
used to work, like a little bit more shift work. Now it's just 24 hour
shift. But it was it was difficult when the kids were
younger. Now they're older. And now I'm just basically a
taxi for them. But you know, like they, yeah,
(15:15):
exactly. You don't think about it, though. You just wake up, you
do what you need to do. And you just have a
day. And if I had any advice, it would just
be remember the times, especially for
new moms, right? You know, when the baby's crying,
you haven't slept. I do have images
(15:36):
of me and my sons just at night alone.
And it was the best feeling. Like it was, you
know, just something where it was just me and them. And
I have it ingrained in my mind. And when I am having,
you know, a bad day, or, you know, they're having
a bad day, and we're struggling together to get through that day. I
(15:58):
remember that time. And I'm like, yeah, that was
a good time. Right. So it is about, like you said, coping,
patience, changing your thoughts. You have
to you can't be I shouldn't say you can't
be but you I think as a person, you have to try to
be a positive person, you know,
(16:18):
have positive thoughts. And I know it might be cliche, but you
have to see the positive in things. And that's how I get through my life. You
know, because of everything that's happened, like I said, I could, I could,
I could have fallen prey to all the addictions
and all the mental health issues. You know, I do
have anxiety and depression, too. Right. And I,
(16:41):
I don't, I don't think it is a negative thing. It's just
a coping mechanism for everything that we've been through. But the
positive thoughts and, you know, waking up every
day. If you can't do everything, just
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Can you repeat that, please?
Like if you can't have a
(17:04):
day, I think a lot of women put too much
pressure on themselves. And, you know, I
think we're all strong and beautiful and we do a
lot. Every single woman I have met,
they just, you know, they're they're just incredible creatures.
And even when you think about it, You have little
(17:27):
girls this day
and age, 10 years old, getting their periods. They gotta get up.
Yeah, you gotta get up, go to school. But
there's so much pressure just to function, to try
and function and be a girl, but nobody kinda, I
(17:48):
don't think unless, you're, you're, you know, you
really sit back and think about it. Those are incredible beings like
a nine year old, a 10 year old getting up going to school, periods are
not easy. Like, you know, and I think
just the fact that, you know, we have that then later on
in life menopause, it's, it's, We just do things, right?
(18:14):
You mentioned earlier, and you said, you know, that women were,
you know, were magnificent creatures. And I'm just thinking, like,
in the little that I know of you. And
in the 20 minutes that I've had to get to know you, I
think you're absolutely phenomenal. Like, you know, sometimes we're
just living our day to day life and just being and not realizing how
(18:37):
great we actually are. Yeah, I agree. Yeah.
Like, I'm thinking of the fact that on top of being
a mom and a wife, you have your full-time job
that you go to, you're a support system for a firefighter, and
if I'm not mistaken, you're also like a momager for your son. Yes.
(18:59):
You know, you've dealt with traumatic loss and
grief. You've dealt with abuse. You've dealt with so many
things. And yet you still manage to
see a glimmer of hope. You still manage to
remain positive. You still manage to have the capacity to
support your family that you love so deeply.
(19:21):
So before I get into digging deeper about
even how you are a support system for your children,
I would love to know, like, how do you, how
Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean,
I have a lot of time that I allocate
(19:41):
to myself, you know, when I'm done my work, I,
go take a half hour break, and I watch the same show
every single day. Like that is my downtime. I have a
coffee, I watch the show, my boys know, God, mom's watching
the same show again, but they know like, just leave me alone, right? But And
then I also
(20:04):
have my social supports. I play volleyball twice
a week. So I definitely take time to fit
that in. And then I prioritize my
family's schedule, but they know there's certain
days and times of the week, like this is just mama time. So
and they, they accept it. They, you know, they, they don't
(20:27):
say anything. So yeah, yes, yes. And
they know, they know, like, this is what I need to carry
on. And I will do whatever you want after.
And I want the listeners to even, like, I
want to highlight that because I think that that is such
an essential piece that we don't realize. You
(20:50):
know, we often think that as moms, especially
when our kids are younger, that we shouldn't prioritize
ourself and self-care because, you know, there's no time. We're
caring for the little ones and we have to do this, that, and the third. There's always going to be
a bazillion things to do. But if we don't prioritize self-care,
if we don't prioritize me time, if we don't prioritize
(21:13):
you getting that downtime that is not designated to
catering to everyone and anyone else, not only do you lose
yourself, you lose your sanity. So I
want to just point out like all of the things that you do and that you have to
Yeah. And I mean, I also don't kind, I don't hide my
(21:34):
feelings. So I, this past year has been really
tough. We're trying to, you know, ramp up my
son's career in racing. So that's
how I met Connie. We're trying to really get sponsorships.
We're a hardworking family. We don't have the money, but
through all of this, and I'll, I'll talk to you in a bit about that,
(21:56):
but through all of this, this last year, like I said, it has been,
Extremely hard. We never thought we would lose my sister one
day. She was there the next day. She wasn't and
You you know the feeling I It
just creeps up on you or it hits you and you're like, oh wow, right?
(22:16):
But I don't hide those feelings if I need to cry I cry if my kids
come in and say what's wrong mom I say I'm thinking about aunt Cassandra,
you know, and they're like, okay. Yeah, I miss her too and you
know, they run off but I don't I
think it's important to get it out or else
(22:37):
you're not gonna be taking care of yourself, right?
Yeah, absolutely. I strongly believe in expressing
how we feel and getting those emotions out
and processing because when we internalize those emotions
and we suppress those feelings, that's when the depression gets
ahold of us and it's harder to work through from there.
(23:00):
Yeah. Yeah. And I've been there. I've had those days where, you
know, I haven't wanted to do a single thing.
It was just too much. But when I started to,
you know, really think about it, I just that's
not the life I want to lead. Right. So I really
go back to that. Have a day. I if it's one
(23:21):
simple thing, just just try and do it or
Yeah. Yeah. I wanted to, I
guess, go back to, so you mentioned being a support system for your son ramping
up his career in racing. I know I've
gone through my season of trying to be momager for my daughter.
(23:42):
She's an influencer, she's got over like two million followers on TikTok and
all the things that come with that, brand deals and blah,
blah, blah. I understand the challenges of
being emotionally tied to the person you're trying to manage. Yes,
I'm so glad you get it. And when you
are a mama bear and caring, you want to
(24:03):
fight for what is right. You want to fight for them. And sometimes you want
to fight people physically. Yes, yes. I
would love if you can speak more to how you
Yeah, so I mean, yeah, the boys
have been in racing. Both my boys actually started
(24:23):
go-karting five years ago competitively and now the older one
who's 15, he's on his own journey and he's
handling it very, very well. But you're right, that mama
bear just comes out and I think I think racing,
yeah, it's, it's a rich person's sport. But
(24:44):
behind that, there's always that one person. And I have to say, it's
usually the mom that, you know, has the final, final
say and input on what's happening. But it's just been
so, so busy. And
it's been a challenge because there's not
a lot of diversity. More and more women are coming into the
(25:04):
sport now, but you know, because I have two, my
husband will have to sometimes take my older son. I
take my younger son. I'm in there, I'm doing the mechanicing work and
I'm really trying to help him out. But he's looking at
me like, mom, do you really know what you're doing? I'm like, of course I do. Right. And
I think I do, but it's managing the emotions too,
(25:26):
which I don't think my husband does. very much.
So managing the emotions, managing, you know, the whole
cycle of, you know, carting and
nutrition and sleep, it is
a lot. And I think, I think Anybody
(25:48):
can do it if they want to.
I feel like I just have to be flexible.
I just have to go with it. But it
is challenging when a lot of the people
around you are men. You get
looks. You get looked at. And you know what? I just had to turn
(26:12):
that around in my own head. I don't care. what
people think about me. I know what I know. And
I know my sons are going to be champions. So
you can you can think what you want. I'm
not going to let that affect me. And almost I almost like it,
you know, people looking at you like you know,
(26:34):
what are you doing here? Don't worry, my son's gonna come first. Yeah,
exactly. So, but I always have to, yeah,
it's, it is hard, like you said, like, I, I just really
want the best for them. I know my husband does too, obviously. But
I feel like for for women, sometimes it is a bit of
a struggle to, you know, kind of share
(26:57):
and do what you need to do without getting that
So without saying too much, but without
you saying anything here, what I took from what you did. Okay. So
because the boys are in racing and it seems
like it's more, as you, as you said, a rich male,
(27:22):
dominated sport. And I
can sense that you have to deal with classism,
racism, sexism, all the isms. So
I would love to know, actually, what advice
would you give to a woman who's listening right now that
is trying to be a momager
(27:46):
or support system for someone they love that
I mean, I think the best advice
is to just go and do it. Don't think twice about
it. Make any sort
of negative experience a positive, a learning. I
(28:10):
don't know. I think I just go for it. I just go
for it. And I can't be, I can't let my
kids suffer because I'm
not like I'm not willing
to learn or push those boundaries. So
I think any, anybody can do it. I know there's limitations
(28:33):
to, you know, what people want to do, maybe, or what they can
do sometimes. But I don't know, I just think, like, for
me, I would never let anything hold me
back if it meant my, my family was gonna,
you know, move forward. And I want my
kids to succeed. And I will,
(28:55):
I will make that happen. So yeah,
part of me wants to know like how you deal as a mom or
how you feel as a mom watching your child experience these things like it's one
thing for us to experience it yeah i know when i was managing my
daughter and even now when i'm not she sometimes will share screenshots of
things that are said to her yeah and i for
(29:18):
me it's one thing for me to feel that way but it's an icy red
because i'm like what what what is my child feeling right yeah
so i would love to know like how you feel watching
I do get very angry. I'm angry
a lot because I mean, I
(29:39):
don't have the money to move them as quickly as I want them to. And
I almost feel like the rich people in
the sport, they get
all the glory when I know my kids
(30:02):
are better than what they're
showing, I guess, or what they're getting credit for. Let's put
it that way. And there's
other circumstances where my older son had a bit of jealousy
going through school, they don't really want to talk about racing. They've
(30:26):
been made fun of pretty badly. And some comments
have been said, but they know, I, I
am in their corner, I will, I won't, I
may not be able to rectify it. But I definitely will
be doing something about it. So they don't, they
know that when I'm involved, Kate, this is serious. And
(30:48):
it's not something that I take lightly,
especially when it comes down to some
of the just the nasty things that people do. I
don't tolerate that in my house. I don't tolerate it out there. Yeah,
yeah. And yeah, both the kids have been
(31:09):
subject to that. And it's not, it's not good
for the other person. Let's put it that way. So I
mean, they the kids know they have to it
happens. I'm not naive to the fact that it happens, they need
to have the exposure in order to
know how to deal with things, right. But
(31:30):
they also it's super important that they know they have a support
system behind them. Yeah. And it's not sometimes
it's just not okay for a child to deal with certain things. So
yeah, so It's been, it's
been quite the struggle. And I do feel bad for them sometimes,
but that's where I just take my time at the end of
(31:51):
the day. And I process everything that has happened.
And I figure out how am I going to deal with this tomorrow? Because
I don't want them to see me angry. I want them to see that
I have done something I have, you know, affected that change
that, you know, they couldn't. right?
(32:14):
Yeah, super important. Yeah. Like one, you
know, when you said you're angry a lot. So I
laughed because, you know, sometimes we look at the label for
an emotion and because of what we've been conditioned to believe,
you know, it's how we view it. But anger
is you really saying, like, what am I trying to protect or defend? And
(32:36):
if you're angry because you're trying to protect or defend your kids, don't
You are right. Yeah, I love that. I really do love
And also, I was going
to say something else and I can't remember. So I know as a
child who didn't feel like I had the support system
(32:59):
I needed growing up, how that affected me, which is why I
strongly my kids' biggest champion.
Like, if someone is doing something to them, you better
believe I know. I am aware, okay? And
it's very hard for me, even although my kids are now all over 18, it's
very hard for me to not get involved, but I
(33:22):
will try to ask their permission first. Yes, yes,
I know. So, to the moms
listening, I guess in
terms of, like, Because your boys are
(33:42):
Yeah. That's a very tender age. Yeah. Yeah. And
bullying happens a lot with boys at that age. And yeah,
it's definitely a challenge. I mean, I'm just
thinking of the women that are listening and maybe they're dealing with
bullying. Like what's one piece of advice that
(34:05):
Yeah, so I mean, the way I
dealt with it was kind of to not
stop talking to my kids about it, because boys,
they're, and I can't say anything
because I don't have girls, but I know boys, they
don't always want to talk about it. So don't give up,
(34:28):
keep keep after them, you know, keep after
them, make sure they're safe, make sure if they have a cell phone, you're, you're
looking at the cell phone, but tell them what you're doing. If bullying
is happening in school, let them know you're there to
support them. You're going to do it calmly. You know,
you're going to talk to the teacher first, you're going to talk to the principal. And
(34:48):
then if nothing gets done, then, you know, you might have
to take it a step higher, but it is important to,
I think, keep your children involved. to a certain extent,
and let them know, like, they need to share
their experiences, just as I need to get this out and deal
with the situation without, you know, getting angry
(35:11):
or having too much emotion, which is weird to say,
but I, at the end of the day, I
am fiercely protective of them. And I
think people know that if
they're going to call their mom, then there's a serious
conversation. But I don't shy away from the fact that you
(35:33):
have to take responsibility for your own actions too. If my
kids are participating in something that is not necessarily,
I don't want to say right
or nice, but not something that
they should be doing, let's just put it this way, they're going to hear it from me too.
(35:55):
not one to shy away from those conversations. with
them or the school. So for instance, you're just holding everybody accountable.
100%. Yeah. Like I'm not doing, yeah,
Yeah. Accountability is worth that. Like that has been my word
for the last, what, two, three years, like accountability. Oh, 100%. Yeah.
(36:15):
We need to be accountable for ourselves. You know, we need to be accountable for our
children for, you know, there's, it's, I
read somewhere where it's like, it's hard
mentally, or I guess subconsciously, for someone to
accept accountability when they're wrong, it's almost like the
fear of death. It's their idea of
(36:39):
what it could do to them. It's so big that
accepting accountability isn't easy. So I
think it's always important for us to hold each other accountable. And
there was something else I was going to say. I think when you were talking about when you try not to
show too much emotion, And I was just thinking like,
our feelings are data, right? Like emotions are energy
(37:02):
in motion. So I've learned that whatever the
emotion is, especially with my kids, try to understand where that emotion
is coming from. You know, sometimes we are quick to
get upset with someone for how they're expressing their
emotions, but what is the root of that, right? Where
is that coming from? Is that coming from, you know, because they
(37:23):
are hurt about something, you know, whatever. But
I think that we, I know, I
don't know how old you are, but I'm my mid 40s. So I know our generation was
like, we weren't given permission to feel all the feels all
the time. You know what I mean? We weren't given the language to even express how
we feel. And I think that's why our
(37:43):
generation is now trying to unlearn and relearn and
do better with our kids. So it's important that I've
learned now in my later years to be very open about my emotions with
my kids. For probably my first 30-odd
years, my kids never saw me cry, so they thought I was Superwoman.
But they always saw, my daughters always saw their dad cry, so
(38:06):
I always felt sorry for dad. And mom's Superwoman,
she's cold, she has no feelings. And when they realized in the last few years,
Mom cries every day. I am such an empath. I'm so emotional.
I cry for commercials. If something is happening, I
will go in the bathroom and cry. But I let them know I cry every
day. I have feelings. I'm a human being. I'm not a machine. Yes.
(38:28):
Yes. Yeah. That's a good point, too, because if
my husband and I are having a disagreement and, you
know, the kids see like I don't want them to think
like it's the end of the world, you know, They
fight, so I'm allowed to have disagreements too, but
this is how I resolve those disagreements, right? And
(38:50):
yeah, you brought up a good point about not knowing what the other
person is particularly feeling or going through that day. And
because of some of the experiences I have had, it's
kind of hard not to get your back up. But at the same time, I'm not going
to, you know, assume things or,
you know, like if somebody needs a minute, they let let
(39:13):
them have their minute, you know. So, yeah, that was that's I
I think it was probably through my own kids where I had to understand
feelings even deeper, aside from how I feel. It's
like, you can have the quietest child and all of a sudden they have
this aggressive outburst and you're like, what just happened? Where
(39:35):
did that come from, right? So me learning to understand emotions
and the data and all that information, it's like, aggression is like, what am
I trying to survive? Your anger is, you know, what am I trying to protect or
defend? Like understanding the, not
just the emotion, but behind the emotion so
(39:55):
But yeah, I don't know. Yeah,
I know it's a struggle, but I mean, I can tell when
my boys have been pushed to the limit, whether they're too tired
or overstimulated, you just, you
just have to, like I said, be flexible, patient and, and go
with the flow and, you will get through
(40:19):
Yes. Okay, so before we go to the final segment of
the show, I would love if you could tell the listeners where they could stay connected
with you, where they can learn more from you, about you, about
Yeah, so I'd really like people to check out my
family website. It's deoracing.com. So
(40:41):
deoracing.com. My older
son is also, like I said, on
his own personal journey in racing. His website
is mayordhonoring.com. So
you could check us out, check out our our
our natural progression through this crazy life. And
(41:03):
yeah, hopefully one day you know, success. So thank
Yeah. Well, I'm pretty lucky. And I keep
So I think as a society, because
we've been conditioned to believe that success looks a certain way,
(41:25):
we don't celebrate and honor the success that we have now,
where it's like, you know, I grew up thinking success is like rich,
rich people. And you getting older and being around
those environments and earning my own income and all these things and
realizing that a lot of the quote-unquote successful people, they're
(41:45):
not rich in other areas of their life, right? And when
I first became a single mom, when I was going through the divorce, realizing
for me in that season, success was being able to pay my
bills, to keep a roof over the kids' heads, and to keep food
in their mouths. So it's like my definition of success changes
depending on the season of life that I'm in. I
(42:07):
think all of that to say, there is plenty of
success that you guys have attained, and there's plenty
more to come. But I will definitely have all of those links
in the details section, so they can just click and connect with you
directly. And for the final segment, it's
kind of like a rapid fire. And you can
share the first thing that comes to mind, whether that be one word or one
(42:30):
sentence, and you let me know when you're ready to go. OK,
let's do this. OK,
if you could have a gigantic billboard anywhere with anything on
Have a day. I think that is like my thing now. It
gets me through. It gets me through life. Just have
(42:50):
a day. Don't worry about, you know, making
it the best day of your life. You
don't have to. You know, if you failed that day at something, That's
Love it. Okay. When was the last time
Cried? Probably yesterday. Yeah, yesterday,
(43:17):
When was the last time you apologized
I don't know if that was today. I would say fairly recently. I have
Yeah. Yeah. If you could describe yourself in
Wow. These are like tough questions. It's hard to like internalize this.
(43:39):
If I had to describe myself, I would say thankful.
Thankful. Okay. What's one thing you
I forgive myself for, and
I know perfection is not attainable,
but I forgive myself for not always
(44:02):
being present every day. But it's,
it is very hard to show up every day and be
what others want you to be or what they need you to be.
Yeah. Okay. And last but not least, how
(44:25):
It's changed me because I, this,
it's the significance of two, my
specifically speaking about myself, my two boys, depending on
me and needing me and me, you
know, being responsible for them and knowing
(44:47):
that there's loss in life, you
know, I, I think motherhood is
if, if you're lucky enough to have kids, I
think it, it's the greatest experience. I
just, it's, it's so unbelievably hard to explain.
And I just, yeah,
(45:13):
Thank you so much, Tanya, for taking the time to
share your story with us today, for leaving us with your gems and
your strength and your resilience. I truly, truly appreciate you.
Thank you. Thank you. I really,
I really appreciate you too. You're an inspiration. Like
I said, everybody, every woman I meet is just
(45:36):
so special and beautiful and strong. And I truly appreciate
Like attracts like, right? Right, right.
It's because it's in you. Thank you. Thank you. To
all you healers out there, until next time, make sure you subscribe. Don't
forget to rate the show and leave us a review on Apple Podcast. And
(45:58):
we want to thank each and every one of you that continues to listen each week to
help the show rank globally in the top 1.5% of most popular podcasts out
there. I want to
challenge you to share Tanya's story with three
women that would receive value from hearing her story and
her gems. And feel free to screenshot this week's episode,
(46:20):
and you can tag us with your aha moments. You can tag Tanya at
TBRUN7. You can tag myself
at TheRealBikiniSmith. A healthy community is a healing
community and a healing community is full of hope because it has seen
its own people weather, survive, and thrive. So
I'm Makini Smith. After going through a divorce, my sister passing
away, experiencing narcissistic abuse, and some
significant health scares, I realized through sharing my
story that I wasn't alone in my suffering. Suffering, subjective
distress generated by the experience of being out of
balance. In a deep dive to holistically heal mind,
(00:21):
body, and soul is where I discovered peace, clarity,
and connection. It is impossible to be truly wise
without some real life hardship, and we cannot develop
post-traumatic wisdom without making it through, and most
importantly, through it together. Social
connection builds resilience, and resilience helps create
(00:44):
post-traumatic wisdom, and that wisdom leads to hope. hope
for you and others witnessing and participating in
your healing, and hope for your community. A
healthy community is a healing community, and a healing community is
full of hope because it has seen its own people weather,
survive, and thrive. Tanya
(01:23):
Donnerine is a mother, a wife, and
a manager of people. So please welcome to the show,
Thank you. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you
Thank you. I am excited to learn more about you
and your story, your family story. So
(01:48):
I have a thing for like getting to know phenomenal
women on a deeper level. My interest in how your
brain works, how you move through your adversities, obviously
everyone can learn from it, but selfishly I'm like How
can I learn from this magnificent woman? And I get
excited when other women that have been on the show connect me with
(02:10):
other phenomenal women. So, shout out to Connie for
that. So, before
we get into where things are presently, I love to,
as an icebreaker question, get to know a little bit about how
you operated when you were younger. So, you
know, society tends to shape how we
(02:31):
think and how we feel and sometimes limits us unintentionally.
So I would love to know who or what did you want to
Yeah, I think that's a great question. But honestly, as
a little girl, I mean, I was the oldest of
six kids. So I don't know
(02:52):
if it was nature or nurture. But for me, I knew I was
going to grow up, get married, have a
family, and work in some sort of industry where
I felt I was helping people. So whether
it be, you know, my work or my volunteer career, I that
has never changed. I can't say that I specifically had,
(03:14):
you know, any ambition to be, you know, like a pilot or
anything, but definitely a mother that was going to happen no
matter what. So I'm very grateful
that I was blessed with two boys and
a husband, you know, that is just as equally
caring and involved in the family. So I
(03:35):
definitely I got what I wished for.
So yeah, it did.
It sure did. I love it. I love it. So I want to actually
get deeper into what you just said, especially about having
a husband that basically is a mirror of
your personality and how much you love and care and the
(03:56):
desire to serve. But before I do that, I would love to know, like,
what's your earliest childhood memory that defines who you
Wow. So I think, you
know, I had, I have quite a few memories. But
I have to say that some of the more
(04:18):
challenging times in my in my life, I think I've gone
through a lot of things that a person, you
know, shouldn't have to go through in a lifetime. And I did that at a very early age.
So I did mention that, yeah, I'm the oldest of
six kids, but along my journey,
I've lost two of those siblings. One
(04:40):
when I was, yeah, it was really tough. One
when I was 12 and actually just last
year I lost my sister. So, I mean, that
alone could make or break a person and
I chose not to let that happen to me.
It's been a struggle. But I
(05:04):
I just persevered because like I said, I at
this point in my life, I have a family and I knew before I
wanted to have a family and a career and I wasn't going
to let me let that hold me down. I mean,
I also like had some other kind of
trauma. I'm a survivor of sexual
(05:25):
abuse. My my parents
very early on divorced. It was not
a great environment. But again, when
you look back, you could either fall prey to
all of those feelings and the blackness and darkness in
your mind and just give in to all of that. But I
(05:48):
think that, again, persevering and
talking about it and telling my story and letting other people know like,
hey, I don't know how your feeling,
but I can tell you how I managed to get through this,
right? So it's, it's
just a bit of everything, you know, that
(06:11):
kind of shaped who I am today. And, you
know, now I have my family and there's different challenges, but
I think the way I look at things because
of what's happened in my life, I think I'm, I'm
stronger for it. And I just find a way. I
find a way. And I know my husband is the same. Like he knows everything.
(06:33):
That's happened in my life. He knows, you know, when
to kind of support me, when to leave me alone. And we
just, we just go with the flow, to be honest with you.
And we do everything in our power to protect our kids, but
also not let them live like a blind life, right?
Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I mean, first off, I'm
(06:56):
sorry that you had to experience those parts
of life, you know, the grief and the abuse. But I also commend
you for the strength and vulnerability to continue
to share your story with others so that they know that they're not alone. That's a
huge part of what the show is about. So I am deeply
grateful for women like yourself that are bold
(07:17):
enough to speak openly about your story so people that are listening can
know that they are not alone and that there's no shame in sharing our stories and
how it can actually make us stronger and
Yeah, no problem. I don't think anybody should feel shame and
grief, you know, it's not a great club to be in,
(07:39):
but it's also, you know, if, if
you can make your way through it and find somebody that
shares a similar experience, like it's, it's
doable. You don't need to, you know, fall in that dark
Yeah, so I lost my sister in 2012 and
I lost my grandmother who helped raise me the following summer and I
(08:04):
guess it's helped me not only have more empathy for other
people going through their grieving process and more patience for people going
through that, but also seeing how I
was able to transmute my pain into purpose.
Like, I would not be the version of me that I am
today had I not had those experiences,
(08:27):
right? It's completely shifted me and I'm
going to say forced me to be a better person and forced me to
want to be a better person when we think about legacy and
we think about how we make other people feel and the lives that we're able to touch.
So knowing that you had a recent loss, my
condolences. And I, you
(08:49):
know, you've started out sharing a lot about how
your husband is very similar to you, and I would love to,
I guess, speak to how you
two, one, because I'm a lover of love, so
as much as I've had, you know, a bad history with it and bad experiences, I
recently got engaged and I always believe in love and I love seeing other
(09:10):
couples and hearing other stories, so I would
love if you could share I guess a little bit about
how you and your husband have been able to build
the relationship and understanding that you have for each other now, because like you're saying,
you're kind of mirrors of each other, but he knows when to support you,
when to leave you alone, that evolution of that relationship. And
(09:33):
you share before we started recording that you guys have known each other since high school. So
I would love if you could share with the listeners just a little bit about
Yeah, for sure. I mean, yeah, we've known each other since high school.
We didn't get together until later in life. We
were in university, actually went to university together
too. And that's kind of where things developed. I
(09:57):
think for us, and
I, for the listeners that are wives of
firefighters, you know, I, it's a struggle and
it's very hard and I
think if anybody listening can
understand that this is not an easy job
(10:19):
for them, they will come home just as, you
know, whatever day they had, you know, good
or bad, that transcends into
the way they are at home, right? And it's
very difficult. It's very difficult for the children, you
know, even just schedule changes. But I think for
(10:42):
me and him, I can move past
it because I have dealt with my own trauma. You
know what I mean? And I can't
imagine for some of these scenarios, because
the loss of my brother and my sister was tragic. And we
have a connection where the fire department
(11:06):
that he's on, those individuals he
works with actually came to the calls for
my siblings. So it's a very, yeah, it's very weird.
And it's just this like connect deep connection
that it's, it's, it's hard to explain, but not
only that, but like I said earlier, we, he
(11:27):
can come home, he can be tired. He can be
a bit cranky, but I can, appreciate
what he's gone through because that's not
easy. I don't really want to
get into what he's seen, but it's not easy, right? So
I think it's very important to
(11:52):
realize that it's not me.
Like it's he's not taking anything out on me. That's that's his
issue. That's him when he's ready, you know, to talk to
me or he goes sleeps comes back. That's, you know, whatever,
we're good. So I'm not pushing it. I'm not forcing it. And
but but it does get to you sometimes, right? Like you have to,
(12:13):
but you have to remember and keep telling yourself like, to be
in a good mind mindset. It's, it's not you,
it's the day you had, will be back to normal tomorrow,
right? So it's, it's
taken 20 years. But I
mean, it's still a work in progress. But I it's
(12:35):
it's a lot of patience and a lot of understanding. And
it's definitely not easy. But I think our focus is our kids. And
I know a lot of couples stay together for their kids. I don't necessarily
think that's healthy. But I don't think it's unhealthy to
want to try and work something out right to to keep
your family together. So Yeah so
(13:01):
There's a lot you said there that I kind of want to like highlight some
things and things where you're concerned especially so
one like your husband being a firefighter speaks to
his character because I feel like it definitely requires someone
who is bold and brave and prioritizes being of
service and helping other people to even be a firefighter. Like to
(13:23):
think that you're going to run into a burning building to save a complete stranger,
so you're risking your life to save a life. And
also, to i guess how
that affects you as a person as a mom with
being the support system for someone with
that kind of risky job like obviously you
(13:46):
know, we all, when our family leaves the house, you
pray that they all come home safe and you know, all of those things, but I can only
imagine the levels for yourself. So I guess even
just for the listeners that are listening, maybe they don't have a
partner with a high risk or high stress job
like your husband, but how to be, or I
(14:07):
guess how to cope with those thoughts. And
then also, you know, you spoke about knowing that it's not
your fault when he's had a hard day and like, so ways in
which you're able to cope and not
Yeah, yeah, that's, that's good. And it's, yeah,
it's, it's probably like a loaded question. Everybody kind
(14:29):
of copes different ways or, you know, try
and try, you know, people try and do things in
a way that they're, you know, not affected. So,
I mean, some days like, you
know, you just like one of my favorite quotes is just to have
a day, you know, like you don't need to have a good day, a
(14:52):
bad day. You know, if it's just you
getting up, going through, like my husband, he
used to work, like a little bit more shift work. Now it's just 24 hour
shift. But it was it was difficult when the kids were
younger. Now they're older. And now I'm just basically a
taxi for them. But you know, like they, yeah,
(15:15):
exactly. You don't think about it, though. You just wake up, you
do what you need to do. And you just have a
day. And if I had any advice, it would just
be remember the times, especially for
new moms, right? You know, when the baby's crying,
you haven't slept. I do have images
(15:36):
of me and my sons just at night alone.
And it was the best feeling. Like it was, you
know, just something where it was just me and them. And
I have it ingrained in my mind. And when I am having,
you know, a bad day, or, you know, they're having
a bad day, and we're struggling together to get through that day. I
(15:58):
remember that time. And I'm like, yeah, that was
a good time. Right. So it is about, like you said, coping,
patience, changing your thoughts. You have
to you can't be I shouldn't say you can't
be but you I think as a person, you have to try to
be a positive person, you know,
(16:18):
have positive thoughts. And I know it might be cliche, but you
have to see the positive in things. And that's how I get through my life. You
know, because of everything that's happened, like I said, I could, I could,
I could have fallen prey to all the addictions
and all the mental health issues. You know, I do
have anxiety and depression, too. Right. And I,
(16:41):
I don't, I don't think it is a negative thing. It's just
a coping mechanism for everything that we've been through. But the
positive thoughts and, you know, waking up every
day. If you can't do everything, just
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Can you repeat that, please?
Like if you can't have a
(17:04):
day, I think a lot of women put too much
pressure on themselves. And, you know, I
think we're all strong and beautiful and we do a
lot. Every single woman I have met,
they just, you know, they're they're just incredible creatures.
And even when you think about it, You have little
(17:27):
girls this day
and age, 10 years old, getting their periods. They gotta get up.
Yeah, you gotta get up, go to school. But
there's so much pressure just to function, to try
and function and be a girl, but nobody kinda, I
(17:48):
don't think unless, you're, you're, you know, you
really sit back and think about it. Those are incredible beings like
a nine year old, a 10 year old getting up going to school, periods are
not easy. Like, you know, and I think
just the fact that, you know, we have that then later on
in life menopause, it's, it's, We just do things, right?
(18:14):
You mentioned earlier, and you said, you know, that women were,
you know, were magnificent creatures. And I'm just thinking, like,
in the little that I know of you. And
in the 20 minutes that I've had to get to know you, I
think you're absolutely phenomenal. Like, you know, sometimes we're
just living our day to day life and just being and not realizing how
(18:37):
great we actually are. Yeah, I agree. Yeah.
Like, I'm thinking of the fact that on top of being
a mom and a wife, you have your full-time job
that you go to, you're a support system for a firefighter, and
if I'm not mistaken, you're also like a momager for your son. Yes.
(18:59):
You know, you've dealt with traumatic loss and
grief. You've dealt with abuse. You've dealt with so many
things. And yet you still manage to
see a glimmer of hope. You still manage to
remain positive. You still manage to have the capacity to
support your family that you love so deeply.
(19:21):
So before I get into digging deeper about
even how you are a support system for your children,
I would love to know, like, how do you, how
Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean,
I have a lot of time that I allocate
(19:41):
to myself, you know, when I'm done my work, I,
go take a half hour break, and I watch the same show
every single day. Like that is my downtime. I have a
coffee, I watch the show, my boys know, God, mom's watching
the same show again, but they know like, just leave me alone, right? But And
then I also
(20:04):
have my social supports. I play volleyball twice
a week. So I definitely take time to fit
that in. And then I prioritize my
family's schedule, but they know there's certain
days and times of the week, like this is just mama time. So
and they, they accept it. They, you know, they, they don't
(20:27):
say anything. So yeah, yes, yes. And
they know, they know, like, this is what I need to carry
on. And I will do whatever you want after.
And I want the listeners to even, like, I
want to highlight that because I think that that is such
an essential piece that we don't realize. You
(20:50):
know, we often think that as moms, especially
when our kids are younger, that we shouldn't prioritize
ourself and self-care because, you know, there's no time. We're
caring for the little ones and we have to do this, that, and the third. There's always going to be
a bazillion things to do. But if we don't prioritize self-care,
if we don't prioritize me time, if we don't prioritize
(21:13):
you getting that downtime that is not designated to
catering to everyone and anyone else, not only do you lose
yourself, you lose your sanity. So I
want to just point out like all of the things that you do and that you have to
Yeah. And I mean, I also don't kind, I don't hide my
(21:34):
feelings. So I, this past year has been really
tough. We're trying to, you know, ramp up my
son's career in racing. So that's
how I met Connie. We're trying to really get sponsorships.
We're a hardworking family. We don't have the money, but
through all of this, and I'll, I'll talk to you in a bit about that,
(21:56):
but through all of this, this last year, like I said, it has been,
Extremely hard. We never thought we would lose my sister one
day. She was there the next day. She wasn't and
You you know the feeling I It
just creeps up on you or it hits you and you're like, oh wow, right?
(22:16):
But I don't hide those feelings if I need to cry I cry if my kids
come in and say what's wrong mom I say I'm thinking about aunt Cassandra,
you know, and they're like, okay. Yeah, I miss her too and you
know, they run off but I don't I
think it's important to get it out or else
(22:37):
you're not gonna be taking care of yourself, right?
Yeah, absolutely. I strongly believe in expressing
how we feel and getting those emotions out
and processing because when we internalize those emotions
and we suppress those feelings, that's when the depression gets
ahold of us and it's harder to work through from there.
(23:00):
Yeah. Yeah. And I've been there. I've had those days where, you
know, I haven't wanted to do a single thing.
It was just too much. But when I started to,
you know, really think about it, I just that's
not the life I want to lead. Right. So I really
go back to that. Have a day. I if it's one
(23:21):
simple thing, just just try and do it or
Yeah. Yeah. I wanted to, I
guess, go back to, so you mentioned being a support system for your son ramping
up his career in racing. I know I've
gone through my season of trying to be momager for my daughter.
(23:42):
She's an influencer, she's got over like two million followers on TikTok and
all the things that come with that, brand deals and blah,
blah, blah. I understand the challenges of
being emotionally tied to the person you're trying to manage. Yes,
I'm so glad you get it. And when you
are a mama bear and caring, you want to
(24:03):
fight for what is right. You want to fight for them. And sometimes you want
to fight people physically. Yes, yes. I
would love if you can speak more to how you
Yeah, so I mean, yeah, the boys
have been in racing. Both my boys actually started
(24:23):
go-karting five years ago competitively and now the older one
who's 15, he's on his own journey and he's
handling it very, very well. But you're right, that mama
bear just comes out and I think I think racing,
yeah, it's, it's a rich person's sport. But
(24:44):
behind that, there's always that one person. And I have to say, it's
usually the mom that, you know, has the final, final
say and input on what's happening. But it's just been
so, so busy. And
it's been a challenge because there's not
a lot of diversity. More and more women are coming into the
(25:04):
sport now, but you know, because I have two, my
husband will have to sometimes take my older son. I
take my younger son. I'm in there, I'm doing the mechanicing work and
I'm really trying to help him out. But he's looking at
me like, mom, do you really know what you're doing? I'm like, of course I do. Right. And
I think I do, but it's managing the emotions too,
(25:26):
which I don't think my husband does. very much.
So managing the emotions, managing, you know, the whole
cycle of, you know, carting and
nutrition and sleep, it is
a lot. And I think, I think Anybody
(25:48):
can do it if they want to.
I feel like I just have to be flexible.
I just have to go with it. But it
is challenging when a lot of the people
around you are men. You get
looks. You get looked at. And you know what? I just had to turn
(26:12):
that around in my own head. I don't care. what
people think about me. I know what I know. And
I know my sons are going to be champions. So
you can you can think what you want. I'm
not going to let that affect me. And almost I almost like it,
you know, people looking at you like you know,
(26:34):
what are you doing here? Don't worry, my son's gonna come first. Yeah,
exactly. So, but I always have to, yeah,
it's, it is hard, like you said, like, I, I just really
want the best for them. I know my husband does too, obviously. But
I feel like for for women, sometimes it is a bit of
a struggle to, you know, kind of share
(26:57):
and do what you need to do without getting that
So without saying too much, but without
you saying anything here, what I took from what you did. Okay. So
because the boys are in racing and it seems
like it's more, as you, as you said, a rich male,
(27:22):
dominated sport. And I
can sense that you have to deal with classism,
racism, sexism, all the isms. So
I would love to know, actually, what advice
would you give to a woman who's listening right now that
is trying to be a momager
(27:46):
or support system for someone they love that
I mean, I think the best advice
is to just go and do it. Don't think twice about
it. Make any sort
of negative experience a positive, a learning. I
(28:10):
don't know. I think I just go for it. I just go
for it. And I can't be, I can't let my
kids suffer because I'm
not like I'm not willing
to learn or push those boundaries. So
I think any, anybody can do it. I know there's limitations
(28:33):
to, you know, what people want to do, maybe, or what they can
do sometimes. But I don't know, I just think, like, for
me, I would never let anything hold me
back if it meant my, my family was gonna,
you know, move forward. And I want my
kids to succeed. And I will,
(28:55):
I will make that happen. So yeah,
part of me wants to know like how you deal as a mom or
how you feel as a mom watching your child experience these things like it's one
thing for us to experience it yeah i know when i was managing my
daughter and even now when i'm not she sometimes will share screenshots of
things that are said to her yeah and i for
(29:18):
me it's one thing for me to feel that way but it's an icy red
because i'm like what what what is my child feeling right yeah
so i would love to know like how you feel watching
I do get very angry. I'm angry
a lot because I mean, I
(29:39):
don't have the money to move them as quickly as I want them to. And
I almost feel like the rich people in
the sport, they get
all the glory when I know my kids
(30:02):
are better than what they're
showing, I guess, or what they're getting credit for. Let's put
it that way. And there's
other circumstances where my older son had a bit of jealousy
going through school, they don't really want to talk about racing. They've
(30:26):
been made fun of pretty badly. And some comments
have been said, but they know, I, I
am in their corner, I will, I won't, I
may not be able to rectify it. But I definitely will
be doing something about it. So they don't, they
know that when I'm involved, Kate, this is serious. And
(30:48):
it's not something that I take lightly,
especially when it comes down to some
of the just the nasty things that people do. I
don't tolerate that in my house. I don't tolerate it out there. Yeah,
yeah. And yeah, both the kids have been
(31:09):
subject to that. And it's not, it's not good
for the other person. Let's put it that way. So I
mean, they the kids know they have to it
happens. I'm not naive to the fact that it happens, they need
to have the exposure in order to
know how to deal with things, right. But
(31:30):
they also it's super important that they know they have a support
system behind them. Yeah. And it's not sometimes
it's just not okay for a child to deal with certain things. So
yeah, so It's been, it's
been quite the struggle. And I do feel bad for them sometimes,
but that's where I just take my time at the end of
(31:51):
the day. And I process everything that has happened.
And I figure out how am I going to deal with this tomorrow? Because
I don't want them to see me angry. I want them to see that
I have done something I have, you know, affected that change
that, you know, they couldn't. right?
(32:14):
Yeah, super important. Yeah. Like one, you
know, when you said you're angry a lot. So I
laughed because, you know, sometimes we look at the label for
an emotion and because of what we've been conditioned to believe,
you know, it's how we view it. But anger
is you really saying, like, what am I trying to protect or defend? And
(32:36):
if you're angry because you're trying to protect or defend your kids, don't
You are right. Yeah, I love that. I really do love
And also, I was going
to say something else and I can't remember. So I know as a
child who didn't feel like I had the support system
(32:59):
I needed growing up, how that affected me, which is why I
strongly my kids' biggest champion.
Like, if someone is doing something to them, you better
believe I know. I am aware, okay? And
it's very hard for me, even although my kids are now all over 18, it's
very hard for me to not get involved, but I
(33:22):
will try to ask their permission first. Yes, yes,
I know. So, to the moms
listening, I guess in
terms of, like, Because your boys are
(33:42):
Yeah. That's a very tender age. Yeah. Yeah. And
bullying happens a lot with boys at that age. And yeah,
it's definitely a challenge. I mean, I'm just
thinking of the women that are listening and maybe they're dealing with
bullying. Like what's one piece of advice that
(34:05):
Yeah, so I mean, the way I
dealt with it was kind of to not
stop talking to my kids about it, because boys,
they're, and I can't say anything
because I don't have girls, but I know boys, they
don't always want to talk about it. So don't give up,
(34:28):
keep keep after them, you know, keep after
them, make sure they're safe, make sure if they have a cell phone, you're, you're
looking at the cell phone, but tell them what you're doing. If bullying
is happening in school, let them know you're there to
support them. You're going to do it calmly. You know,
you're going to talk to the teacher first, you're going to talk to the principal. And
(34:48):
then if nothing gets done, then, you know, you might have
to take it a step higher, but it is important to,
I think, keep your children involved. to a certain extent,
and let them know, like, they need to share
their experiences, just as I need to get this out and deal
with the situation without, you know, getting angry
(35:11):
or having too much emotion, which is weird to say,
but I, at the end of the day, I
am fiercely protective of them. And I
think people know that if
they're going to call their mom, then there's a serious
conversation. But I don't shy away from the fact that you
(35:33):
have to take responsibility for your own actions too. If my
kids are participating in something that is not necessarily,
I don't want to say right
or nice, but not something that
they should be doing, let's just put it this way, they're going to hear it from me too.
(35:55):
not one to shy away from those conversations. with
them or the school. So for instance, you're just holding everybody accountable.
100%. Yeah. Like I'm not doing, yeah,
Yeah. Accountability is worth that. Like that has been my word
for the last, what, two, three years, like accountability. Oh, 100%. Yeah.
(36:15):
We need to be accountable for ourselves. You know, we need to be accountable for our
children for, you know, there's, it's, I
read somewhere where it's like, it's hard
mentally, or I guess subconsciously, for someone to
accept accountability when they're wrong, it's almost like the
fear of death. It's their idea of
(36:39):
what it could do to them. It's so big that
accepting accountability isn't easy. So I
think it's always important for us to hold each other accountable. And
there was something else I was going to say. I think when you were talking about when you try not to
show too much emotion, And I was just thinking like,
our feelings are data, right? Like emotions are energy
(37:02):
in motion. So I've learned that whatever the
emotion is, especially with my kids, try to understand where that emotion
is coming from. You know, sometimes we are quick to
get upset with someone for how they're expressing their
emotions, but what is the root of that, right? Where
is that coming from? Is that coming from, you know, because they
(37:23):
are hurt about something, you know, whatever. But
I think that we, I know, I
don't know how old you are, but I'm my mid 40s. So I know our generation was
like, we weren't given permission to feel all the feels all
the time. You know what I mean? We weren't given the language to even express how
we feel. And I think that's why our
(37:43):
generation is now trying to unlearn and relearn and
do better with our kids. So it's important that I've
learned now in my later years to be very open about my emotions with
my kids. For probably my first 30-odd
years, my kids never saw me cry, so they thought I was Superwoman.
But they always saw, my daughters always saw their dad cry, so
(38:06):
I always felt sorry for dad. And mom's Superwoman,
she's cold, she has no feelings. And when they realized in the last few years,
Mom cries every day. I am such an empath. I'm so emotional.
I cry for commercials. If something is happening, I
will go in the bathroom and cry. But I let them know I cry every
day. I have feelings. I'm a human being. I'm not a machine. Yes.
(38:28):
Yes. Yeah. That's a good point, too, because if
my husband and I are having a disagreement and, you
know, the kids see like I don't want them to think
like it's the end of the world, you know, They
fight, so I'm allowed to have disagreements too, but
this is how I resolve those disagreements, right? And
(38:50):
yeah, you brought up a good point about not knowing what the other
person is particularly feeling or going through that day. And
because of some of the experiences I have had, it's
kind of hard not to get your back up. But at the same time, I'm not going
to, you know, assume things or,
you know, like if somebody needs a minute, they let let
(39:13):
them have their minute, you know. So, yeah, that was that's I
I think it was probably through my own kids where I had to understand
feelings even deeper, aside from how I feel. It's
like, you can have the quietest child and all of a sudden they have
this aggressive outburst and you're like, what just happened? Where
(39:35):
did that come from, right? So me learning to understand emotions
and the data and all that information, it's like, aggression is like, what am
I trying to survive? Your anger is, you know, what am I trying to protect or
defend? Like understanding the, not
just the emotion, but behind the emotion so
(39:55):
But yeah, I don't know. Yeah,
I know it's a struggle, but I mean, I can tell when
my boys have been pushed to the limit, whether they're too tired
or overstimulated, you just, you
just have to, like I said, be flexible, patient and, and go
with the flow and, you will get through
(40:19):
Yes. Okay, so before we go to the final segment of
the show, I would love if you could tell the listeners where they could stay connected
with you, where they can learn more from you, about you, about
Yeah, so I'd really like people to check out my
family website. It's deoracing.com. So
(40:41):
deoracing.com. My older
son is also, like I said, on
his own personal journey in racing. His website
is mayordhonoring.com. So
you could check us out, check out our our
our natural progression through this crazy life. And
(41:03):
yeah, hopefully one day you know, success. So thank
Yeah. Well, I'm pretty lucky. And I keep
So I think as a society, because
we've been conditioned to believe that success looks a certain way,
(41:25):
we don't celebrate and honor the success that we have now,
where it's like, you know, I grew up thinking success is like rich,
rich people. And you getting older and being around
those environments and earning my own income and all these things and
realizing that a lot of the quote-unquote successful people, they're
(41:45):
not rich in other areas of their life, right? And when
I first became a single mom, when I was going through the divorce, realizing
for me in that season, success was being able to pay my
bills, to keep a roof over the kids' heads, and to keep food
in their mouths. So it's like my definition of success changes
depending on the season of life that I'm in. I
(42:07):
think all of that to say, there is plenty of
success that you guys have attained, and there's plenty
more to come. But I will definitely have all of those links
in the details section, so they can just click and connect with you
directly. And for the final segment, it's
kind of like a rapid fire. And you can
share the first thing that comes to mind, whether that be one word or one
(42:30):
sentence, and you let me know when you're ready to go. OK,
let's do this. OK,
if you could have a gigantic billboard anywhere with anything on
Have a day. I think that is like my thing now. It
gets me through. It gets me through life. Just have
(42:50):
a day. Don't worry about, you know, making
it the best day of your life. You
don't have to. You know, if you failed that day at something, That's
Love it. Okay. When was the last time
Cried? Probably yesterday. Yeah, yesterday,
(43:17):
When was the last time you apologized
I don't know if that was today. I would say fairly recently. I have
Yeah. Yeah. If you could describe yourself in
Wow. These are like tough questions. It's hard to like internalize this.
(43:39):
If I had to describe myself, I would say thankful.
Thankful. Okay. What's one thing you
I forgive myself for, and
I know perfection is not attainable,
but I forgive myself for not always
(44:02):
being present every day. But it's,
it is very hard to show up every day and be
what others want you to be or what they need you to be.
Yeah. Okay. And last but not least, how
(44:25):
It's changed me because I, this,
it's the significance of two, my
specifically speaking about myself, my two boys, depending on
me and needing me and me, you
know, being responsible for them and knowing
(44:47):
that there's loss in life, you
know, I, I think motherhood is
if, if you're lucky enough to have kids, I
think it, it's the greatest experience. I
just, it's, it's so unbelievably hard to explain.
And I just, yeah,
(45:13):
Thank you so much, Tanya, for taking the time to
share your story with us today, for leaving us with your gems and
your strength and your resilience. I truly, truly appreciate you.
Thank you. Thank you. I really,
I really appreciate you too. You're an inspiration. Like
I said, everybody, every woman I meet is just
(45:36):
so special and beautiful and strong. And I truly appreciate
Like attracts like, right? Right, right.
It's because it's in you. Thank you. Thank you. To
all you healers out there, until next time, make sure you subscribe. Don't
forget to rate the show and leave us a review on Apple Podcast. And
(45:58):
we want to thank each and every one of you that continues to listen each week to
help the show rank globally in the top 1.5% of most popular podcasts out
there. I want to
challenge you to share Tanya's story with three
women that would receive value from hearing her story and
her gems. And feel free to screenshot this week's episode,
(46:20):
and you can tag us with your aha moments. You can tag Tanya at
TBRUN7. You can tag myself
at TheRealBikiniSmith. A healthy community is a healing
community and a healing community is full of hope because it has seen
its own people weather, survive, and thrive. So
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