May 29, 2024 • 61 mins
Welcome to Keep Them Coming. I'm your host, Kristen Thomas, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist. This episode marks the exciting kickoff of season three, and I promise it's going to be hotter and more educational than ever before.
In this episode, I am joined by fellow sexologist Savannah Rose of Savannah Rose Coaching. We dive deep into the world of solo pleasure in celebration of International Masturbation Month. Discover why we prefer alternative terms to 'masturbation,' and explore fascinating statistics about solo pleasure time, including why many women prefer it over intercourse.
Savannah shares her expertise on closing the orgasm gap, healing from abuse, and living authentically. We discuss the role of pleasure in people's lives, and how to make partnered playtime more connected and hotter. This conversation is filled with profound lessons, practical advice, and plenty of fun.
Don't forget to check out my monthly column in The Pitch and stay tuned for more exciting content this season. Enjoy the episode!
Mentioned in the episode:
Becoming Cliterate by Dr Laurie Mintz
Come As You Are by Dr Emily Nagowski
Sex Coach U and Dr Patti Britton
VITA and Layla Martin
Sex For One by Betty Dodson
Thanks for listening! XOXO Kristen
Check out all the affiliates and discounts I have with quality sexual health companies like Intimate Rose and Bathmate: https://www.openthedoorscoaching.com/affiliates
Learn more about my coaching services : openthedoorscoaching.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Music.
(00:08):
Welcome to Keep Them Coming. I'm your host, Kristen Thomas.
I'm a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, as well as a writer,
inventor, and public speaker.
I love to teach about sex and pleasure, but one of my deep passions is to talk
to people about what goes on in their sex lives and relationships.
(00:28):
Telling people's stories, or having them tell their own story,
helps normalize the taboo, break
down barriers to desire, and allow all of us to have even better sex.
Conversations on Keep Them Coming may include tales of long-lost love,
gender journeys, entrepreneurship, community activism, queer history,
(00:50):
kinks, and consensual non-monogamy on top of adult sex ed.
Don't worry, there's plenty for the self-described Vanilla Crowd on these episodes as well.
Having said that, dear listener, you should be 18 and over and probably listening on your headphones.
You can also watch Keep Them Coming on my YouTube channel. Thanks for tuning in.
(01:14):
Music.
It's season three. Are you ready?
Are you ready? Because this season will be hotter and more educational than ever before.
I have fellow coaches. I have doctors that specialize in menopause.
(01:38):
I have authors, therapists, CEOs, ex-evangelical millennials,
LGBT activists, mental load influencers, new models, and much, much, much more.
I've had some workshops, a new sensual self-care book club, and several other
new events that I've never hosted before.
(02:01):
So if you would like to stay up to date on what I'm up to, make sure you get
on my email list, especially the dirty bird.
That's my uncensored content email, but I do have a safe for work email list.
Check the show notes or go to my social media and click the link in my bio,
and you can sign up for either list there.
I am incredibly honored to open up season three with a fellow sexologist,
(02:24):
Savannah Rose of Savannah Rose Coaching.
We discuss all things pleasure surrounding International Masturbation Month. That's right.
May is International Masturbation Month, but we discuss what we like to call
it instead of masturbation.
It's not that masturbation is a dirty word but we've
(02:46):
we've got other terms that we use for we also discussed some
very interesting statistics about solo
pleasure time and why women prefer solo time to intercourse we discussed what
role we wholeheartedly believe pleasure plays in people's lives and we also
talked about the best way to make partnered playtime way hotter and way more connected.
(03:12):
My guest, Savannah, is a certified VEDA sex, love, and relationship coach specializing
in closing the orgasm gap, which we also discussed, healing from abuse,
and helping others live their most authentic expression.
She also has a background in holistic health, including massage therapy,
yoga, breathwork, and Reiki, as well as being trauma-informed.
(03:37):
If you have missed just listening to keep them coming. This is going to be a
great kickoff for season three for you.
We get down and dirty into some of the details, share some very profound lessons and advice.
I just all around have a really fun time with this conversation that I know,
I know you're going to love listening to this one.
(03:58):
Don't forget to check out my monthly column in the pitch.
Keep them coming. Of course, for me, I wrote about masturbation month under the theme of DIY.
Do it yourself. I talked about some of the science-y stuff, some of the benefits,
both mental and physical, of practicing solo pleasure.
Find it on the Pitch KC's website, or again, go to my socials,
(04:22):
click the link in my bio, you'll find a link there.
All right. Thanks so much. Enjoy this episode.
Music.
Welcome to another episode of Keep Them Coming. I'm your host,
(04:43):
Kristen Thomas, and today I am joined by a fellow sexologist and coach, Savannah Rose.
Welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. Absolutely.
I'm excited to get season three started. This has been a long time coming,
but I just needed a mental health break from doing some stuff that just was really bogging me down.
(05:04):
Unfortunately, the podcast takes a lot of time.
That I just decided I didn't have anymore. So I'm glad to have you back here
or here with me while I bring back the podcast.
So I got to start off with this question, simply because I get this question all the time.
I always get asked, how or why did you become a sex coach?
(05:25):
The simple answer is, it's my favorite subject ever. And it has been probably pre-adolescent.
But getting into the holistic health world with massage therapy,
with Reiki, breathwork, yoga, coaching, admitting to myself, I want to be a sex coach.
(05:47):
I'm coming out of hiding. I want to
help people with this I was already doing it like for
years like that was the thing that like people loved to talk to me about and
it was the thing that I love talking about like it's the conversation piece
that it comes up like within like three to five minutes of having a conversation
with me if we haven't already started with sex it's getting there we're so much alike.
(06:15):
I definitely had a proclivity for all this stuff when I was very young.
I don't know whether it was because soap operas were always on at my grandma's
house or at our house. My mom read a lot of romance novels.
That's basically all that she read was romance novels with Fabio on the cover.
Yeah, sex has just always been something that I've been fascinated with and
(06:37):
never had a problem talking about. out.
So I saw from your website that when you were younger, you proclaimed at a family
event you wanted to be a sex therapist.
And of course, as coaches, I'm sure a lot of people don't quite understand the
distinction between therapy and coaching.
But I always explain it as it's just two sides of the same coin.
(06:59):
Therapy is a little bit more about digging into the past, whereas Whereas coachings
were taking you from your present into a better future.
Yeah. Yeah. And diagnosing anyone. Correct. Not pathologizing anything. Yeah.
So since it's may it's international masturbation
(07:21):
month it used to be national and now it's international masturbation month
but the first thing that i want to
discuss with you coach to coach i mean
yeah in my marketing and stuff i'm going to talk about masturbation because
it's the popular vernacular in this name of the
month but i think we're a lot alike where we don't actually like using the term
masturbation but tell me why you don't like using the word masturbation I have
(07:46):
been getting into just like the etymology of our words and the importance of
like what we say, how we say it.
And I think I heard several years ago that masturbation, it like roughly translates
to defile by hand, like which makes it feel icky.
(08:06):
And there's that shame around it. Like there's already enough shame and guilt
and ickiness around pleasing ourselves, around touching ourselves,
around sex in general, but I don't need to keep adding to that.
Love it. Yes. What do you like to say instead? Self-pleasure, solo play.
Yeah, I see solo sex. Also with that, trying to illustrate that sex is an umbrella
(08:32):
term under which there's lots and lots of variety of sex we can have.
Sometimes it's just for one.
Yes. One of my favorite books is by Betty Dodson, Sex for One.
I fucking love that book. Just, I mean, opening up with like your relationship
with yourself is the longest one that you're going to have.
(08:53):
Like you, your partner, even if you're married for 50 years,
like might not want to have sex when you want to have sex, might be sick.
Like, they might die. I mean, like, what do you do? Like, at that point, like, you need to...
Like having pleasure is like a base. I believe it's a basic human like need.
Yes. I say it's your birthright.
(09:14):
Pleasure is your birthright. Yes. Yes.
Yeah. I think that's something that I really try to hammer home to people when
they come in my office and they are especially they're experiencing low libido,
whether or not they're in a partnered situation or not.
People often with low libido. The first thing that I ask them is tell me about
(09:35):
your solo pleasure time. And they're like, what's a low pleasure time?
Okay, we're going to start there. And about, you know, like,
let's get back into building a connection with yourself, with your body and
with your brain, which is your biggest sex organ.
And magically, magically, once they get into a healthy practice and get reconnected
(09:56):
to pleasure, their libido is not low anymore.
Yeah. When you're having sex is when you want more sex.
Mm-hmm like what better way than to start with yourself yes it's easy yes yes it is and.
I'm always amazed you tell me if you find this people that come to you maybe
(10:20):
they've already seen a marriage and family therapist or licensed counselor do
you get a lot of couples or people who say that you know they went there because
of relationship stuff and sex is part of the issue you, but the therapist wouldn't
even talk about sex with them.
Oh, my God. Or they have shamed some of my clients in the past.
Like if one partner wants a lot of sex, they say they throw out the word sex
(10:43):
addiction, like compulsion, like just or, you know, we don't need to talk about that.
That like they or they brush over it's like this
is a huge piece and if the couple is
not having sex or not having great sex or
like their needs aren't being met like it's usually you know a symptom of the
(11:04):
relationship but also is going to impact the quality of your relationship like
if you're not embracing that part of you and I would go as far as to say I mean
I might be biased just It's because of what I do and what I believe in.
But anyone that's trying to adopt a holistic, healthy lifestyle,
if it doesn't include your sexuality with yourself, with partners,
(11:25):
you know, anything, then you are missing the mark on your health.
Singing from the rooftops. Savannah, for real. I don't know if you saw my post
recently about a T-shirt I had made for an event.
Girl. Again, this whole concept of people who want to talk about whole person
(11:47):
health and all these things that we need,
whether it's water and sunshine and a good hug and conversation and vulnerability,
no matter what quadrants of life they want to come from on this,
if they are not including sexual health as part of that, they are ignoring,
to me, what really whole person health is all about. out.
(12:08):
So I knew I was going to see this person at events coming up this year.
So I had my friend Carly at Under the Cover Bookstore, the romance bookshop,
make me a t-shirt that said, sexual health is whole person health.
Splashed all across my tits, multiple lines of it. And at the very end, it said, have a nice day.
I need one of those. I'm thinking about getting them printed up for sure.
(12:31):
Especially for my fellow sexologists out there.
I know there's more people in that that would want one. But for sure,
some of my fellow coaching friends were in the DMs like, where'd you get them? It's custom.
It's one of a kind so far. But I'll let you know if we print more.
But I just don't, I don't get it.
I don't get how people can try to line up all these things that they think that
(12:56):
you need to be a healthy whole person and then just completely ignore sexuality and pleasure.
Yeah. Well, when you approach it from a tantric or Taoist look,
it's actually the root. It's the very start.
Everything comes from that sexual life force, that vital energy.
(13:18):
If you say that you want to be more spiritual or more loving or create something.
Like the main fuel is sexual energy.
It just gets refined and transmuted into something else. Like I,
yeah, it just makes me giggle.
When abstinence is like a part of being spiritual or being like religious,
(13:43):
it's like, okay, but you can't deny that there is sexual, like erotic energy that's everything.
I agree. It's in everything. Yes. Like you were alive because someone had sex.
I say that all the time. We are here because of sex. Even if you don't have
sex, you can be asexual, but we're still here because of it.
(14:04):
And you exist because of it. Yeah.
So, you know, you touched base there on Tantra, which is something that you studied with.
So you did the VEDA coaching program, right? With Layla Martin.
Whereas I did Sex Coach U with Dr. Patty Britton. And we talk about Tantra,
but I don't think it's quite as in depth as far as what you learn about it.
(14:28):
So I think that there's a lot of misconceptions out there about Tantra and that
there's the sort of life force part that you talked about.
Then there's the erotic practice involving Tantric practices.
But I think that people just label it Tantra, right?
Do you think that's a misconception or like it's convoluted? Like tell me about that.
(14:53):
Yeah. So Tantra itself is like a really vast like philosophy that actually like
yoga, mantra, mandalas, like Zen practices, like those came from Tantric philosophy.
And then there's like the left hand path of Tantra, which is like the lightning path.
And yes, within that, and even within like neo-tantra does come like the tantric sex practices.
(15:19):
But like tantra itself is not about.
There's tantric sex and what i
find fascinating about tantra and weaving
sexuality into it is that
you could essentially like fuck your
way to enlightenment like i love that leila said that
like that joke with me i'm like damn it's juicy you
(15:42):
know like if our purpose here is to be our most actualized selves and like find
the state of enlightened beingness yeah sure you You could be like a monk and
meditate every day on the side of a mountain and like give up all your worldly possessions.
Or you could realize that your sexuality like is your divine birthright and
(16:06):
is a way to heal and like and find bliss.
Like, I mean, I believe that enlightenment is just that state of absolute bliss
where it's just you realize everything in your life has been sacred.
I love that. Thank you so much for that explanation.
(16:26):
There's definitely been people that reach out to me and like, do you teach Tantra?
I'm like, well, I don't. And also, who I refer you to is going to have to educate you on that.
So there's just, I think there's a lot of people out there that heard a buzzword.
They did some quick Googling and now they want to have this mind-blowing Tantric sex. Well, yeah.
(16:50):
Cool. Yes. And there's going to be a path to get you there before you just immediately
jump into that mind-blowing sex.
But I love that explanation.
Thank you so much for that one. I think the listeners need that one too.
So Savannah, let me talk about some statistics for solo sex and solo pleasure
(17:10):
to celebrate, to talk about International Masturbation Month here.
So look, you and I both know, and
a lot of the listeners probably know that we are living in times where sexual health
information and education is highly
highly suppressed and it's it's had
its ebbs and flows through especially here in the united states with the way
people talk about it could be very educational very open-minded and then it
(17:34):
gets very puritanical and it can get educational again and then it seems to
get puritanical when you feel like we're in a puritanical time but i think it's
no wonder that we have so many adults that are feeling really.
Repressed around this topic right so let
me read out some stats for you here and then we'll chat about them yeah a
lot of this comes from the tanga 2020 pleasure survey tanga bna usually for
(17:59):
a penis owner sex toy brand so 40 of men 22 of women say that they get off daily
55 of men and 48 of women Women say it's once a week.
95% of American men admit to masturbating compared to 89% of women.
And that is different than some other countries.
(18:21):
54% of women use vibrators when masturbating. And reportedly only like 17% of
men use any form of a sex toy for solo sex.
I love this one here. four out of ten women say they prefer masturbation over sex.
Let's talk about that one in for a second okay yeah well let's talk about the orgasm gap yes,
(18:48):
exactly yes please go ahead tell us a little bit more oh this is where i'm very
passionate so So the orgasm gap is definitely like you can,
there's a huge discrepancy about the frequency of orgasms in heterosexual couples.
So I think it was like 90 something percent of heterosexual men will have an
(19:14):
orgasm, their sexual encounter.
I think that same, that number is about the same for lesbian and bisexual women
with other women and then gay men.
But for women and heterosexual relationships, it's about 65%.
Yeah, about a 30% difference, right? Yeah.
(19:34):
It's even worse if it's hookup sex. Yes.
Yeah, because there's like this lack of that's a whole subject.
But but what was interesting, too, is that it's not like the heterosexual women,
if they're masturbating, that number is about 95 percent that they're having an orgasm.
So it's not like, oh, women's bodies are so fucking complicated.
(19:57):
They just can't have an orgasm. It's OK. The person that they're having sex
with might be uneducated.
There's not great communication. medication she doesn't maybe
know what she wants because she's not exploring because
there's so much shame around exploring that
yourself but yeah when
I read the book Becoming Clitorate I think it was like in 2018 like I changed
(20:24):
my script when I started having sex so even in the hookup situation it was like
this is how it's going to be like you can have an orgasm That'll happen for you. I guarantee it.
But I'm going to have one or two before you do. Yeah.
Hell yeah. Like, so, I mean, that's how that is how this worked because this
is how my body worked. Yeah.
(20:46):
I broke out my magic wand on a few guys when I was in my hookup era or my casual dating era.
Because I definitely had like a rotation. It wasn't all just first timers.
It was, you know, guys that came back for around four or five or six.
Anyway, broke out the magic wand a few times for them.
Two were very intimidated by it
(21:07):
one did not realize that the magic one was for external stimulation one just
flat i was like no why would you get that out i'm like well if you're perfectly
able to make me come with your mouth or your hands or things like that before
you have an orgasm then we won't get it out i got it out.
(21:28):
My jaw hurts yeah right well
use your fingers like yeah alternate that's
what i do yeah yeah i know
i go back and forth between mouth and hand mouth and hand my jaw
needs a break go to licking for a little bit like there's workarounds
here man right it's dry mouth on it some extra yes I wish that men understood
(21:54):
and a lot of them do like I've had really great experience actually with men
and toys but if they understood it's a teenage,
That's your team player, buddy. Yes. Like it's the baton handoff. Yes.
I often use the different, the analogy, especially when I'm talking in my office
or online to a client and I can just tell he's not into toys or he's flat out
(22:18):
said, I don't know about toys. Why should we have to use toys?
Do you have a screwdriver in your toolbox? Of course they do. Do you also have a drill?
Cool. They do basically the same job, just one a little faster,
a little more efficient, a little easier on the wrist, right?
Then they start to get it.
(22:40):
This is just a tool in your toolbox. You can use that on her.
It doesn't have to be like hers exclusive.
It doesn't have to be her doing her own thing and you're just along for the ride. Get involved.
Yes. And when there's a toy on you, the rest of your body also becomes available
(23:00):
for mouth and hands and more toys.
Like, I mean, I want as much stimulation as possible.
And what I love about toys and partner sex is that I have a very greedy pussy.
Like, I am insatiable sometimes. Sometimes like I could have already gotten
(23:22):
off my one or two, three times before he does.
He's happy. He's, you know, and like almost comatose. Right.
It was. And I'm like, I could do one more.
I can have one more. And like, that's the toy out.
Yes. Would you like a nickel?
(23:43):
I love when especially female body people have gotten so in touch with pleasure.
That they get that level of insatiability about them.
Especially when you see someone go from, eh, orgasms are fine.
I don't have them very often to, they're rolling through like three,
(24:03):
four, five, six, or they're having a solo pleasure session and that orgasm is
lasting several minutes.
And it's kind of rolling to where you're like, am I coming again?
Or has this been one long orgasm? yeah a lot of a lot of pussy owners can be
quite insatiable once they once they figure it out,
(24:25):
Did you see my post about orgasms being like potato chips? No. Tell me. Tell me.
So what is the, I'm trying to think now what the motto is for lays.
Well, Pringles is like, once you pop, you can't stop.
That was like the second part of it. Lays is like, you can't just have one.
Like, so once I get rolling, like I can't just have one, but good thing that
(24:49):
when I get going, like I can't stop.
Like I there's just no stopping me it's
just it just does roll and that's the there's another
meme I saw that was like sometimes you know it's
really hard being a girl and then I have 27 orgasms in a row I can't make up
for a lot of bullshit in life that's for sure yeah not everything but a lot
(25:12):
and honestly like men that I've been with that do put my pleasure first that do
understand that sometimes it might
take me a while like to get there that understand that
i can have multiple orgasms and embrace
and like celebrate that those are the guys i'm
(25:33):
calling back like if you want to get a repeat customer right oh my god but her
like and also i would say there's another there's one of my golden Golden rules
is like give head the way that you wish to receive it.
So it's like if I have an amazing experience, like I'm I'm ready.
(25:56):
Like I'm going to worship your cock like you make feel good.
And like I'm going to return that energy back to you like tenfold.
Like it's going to be fucking incredible. And it's only going to feel better
for them during intercourse.
If I've already gotten off, like I'm lubricated, my clitoris like engorged,
engorged like you're gonna feel that like snugness that like liberate everything
(26:20):
that they love about a vagina gets like 10 times better yes yes that's why this
whole concept of she comes first.
Not just the book but like that was the whole thing before she called dr emily
nagowski called that her book but the vagina owner having an orgasm first makes
a huge difference for every reason you just explained.
(26:44):
And no matter what some male dating coaches out there are saying,
oh my God, Savannah, are you seeing some of these guys?
No, I guess you're lucky your algorithm is taking care of you.
I don't see them as often as maybe some other people are.
A lot of times I'm coming across them in stitches or things like that.
(27:05):
There was recently this guy who, one, called himself America's best dating coach.
But he was saying that the reason that you don't want to make your girl come
is because she'll get too wet and then once she's too wet you're just going
to be slipping and sliding out of there and of course the stitches i saw were
(27:26):
like buddy you're telling on yourself.
Like that's not the advice you think you're giving yeah they make extenders
for that i mean Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Try new positions.
There's all sorts of things that you can do instead.
All the things. But also it's like just the and then that's relating back to it doesn't.
(27:52):
So many people out there think that her pleasure doesn't matter.
The only thing that really makes it sex is the penis going in the vagina and
then he gets to have his orgasm.
Right? Right. Yeah. I almost want to start finding them so that I can just come in with my education.
Yeah. Yeah. OK. So, again, four out of 10 women prefer masturbation over sex.
(28:18):
I think that if we had a much more educated populace, if there was a lot less
stigma in talking about this stuff, that number would be quite different.
It might not be, you know, 10 out of 10 prefer sex over masturbation,
but like the reason that so many people prefer masturbation over partner playtime
(28:40):
is because of that lack of connection or that lack of pleasure that can be on
par with what we can give ourselves.
Yeah, I am to the point now. So I took a year off of partner sex while I was
healing from an abusive relationship.
And I'm to the point now, I'm like, do I want to entertain this man?
(29:03):
Or whoever, whoever I'm having sex with, do I want to entertain them?
Because, yeah, sometimes it feels like I can see where someone would prefer
masturbation because it can feel like work to have sex with another person.
But I mean, I love partner sex. I love that connection.
I love that I can communicate my wants and desires and that it's not this like,
(29:27):
oh, gosh, like this might hurt if they do it wrong or they're not listening to my needs.
I feel like they're just using my body for a masturbation object.
Jack yes exactly guys out
there that are not partnered and are looking for
someone just just take it from us you are
(29:48):
not competing with other men for her pussy you're competing with her for her
pussy right yeah yeah i mean so like when i'm like okay i'm going to self-pleasure
before i go out, which is like one of my favorite things to do.
Like you get a natural blush, you get a little like boost, you're like aroused,
(30:10):
you're, I feel magnetic and like vibrant, but I can, I can have like 10.
Boom. I know what to do. Where, you know, you meet a new partner, you got to teach them.
I mean, I still love that. But I can see where it would just be,
it just is a lot more work than to just like, hey, if I want an orgasm,
(30:31):
I know 95% of the time I'm going to have one with myself versus the 65%.
You know, if you went to a casino with those odds, you're going to want the
slot machine that's 95%.
Yeah. Yeah. I know another T-shirt we should probably get made for ourselves.
(30:52):
If I'm late, it's probably because I was masturbating. Yes.
That's a legit excuse. Although we could say self-pleasuring. Self-pleasure. Yeah.
Sorry. I was late because I was playing with myself.
The toys I have at home make me want to keep playing. We can come up with these
(31:13):
all day long, I'm sure. Yeah.
Oh, let's see here. A couple more stats on masturbation and solo sex.
34% of people have masturbated in the office at work.
That was high. I wonder if that's just men. I don't know.
I don't know many of my friends that have gotten off at work,
(31:34):
but I mean, maybe sometimes you just got to go into the bathroom. I'll see here.
Men masturbate 46 hours a year and women masturbate 27 hours a year.
So I wish... They didn't ask me for the survey. No, they didn't.
They didn't ask me either. Although I am...
And this is one of my things I want to talk about. Let's talk about it now.
(31:55):
I do tend to be kind of a quickie person, but I also enjoy my time where I slow down.
The numbers show that most people, I think it was something like 45% of most
people, again, that 2020 Tenga survey, keep it quick with solo sessions.
And they're usually under 10 minutes.
(32:16):
And only 6% of respondents reported a pleasure session over 30 minutes.
Just like with partnered playtime, with solo sex, a quickie has its time and its place, right?
And some of us may just be blessed where we can get off fast,
we can still relax afterwards, and then go about our days.
But there is something to be said about the slow dance.
(32:40):
So, like, what do you think are some of the benefits of taking your time?
Maybe not every time, but what do you think are some of the benefits of taking
your time with a solo pleasure session? So this is a huge piece of what we did in VEDA.
So our self-pleasure practices were drawn, they're at least like 20 to 30 minutes.
(33:02):
There's so many different benefits to that. Like with the pleasure practices,
we take orgasm like kind of off the table, first of all.
And there's usually an intention set.
So we could do self-pleasure for shadow work, for trauma healing,
for self-love, using some of those sacred sexuality holistic tools,
(33:23):
like focusing on breath and sounding and movement.
But even if you're not doing a pleasure practice that has some kind of structure to it.
For me, I think the benefit, when you're having sex with someone else,
they're not going to do exactly the same thing that your toy or your hand does.
(33:43):
Like they're not going to do the exact same pressure, same speed.
If you're doing the same thing every time that you are self-pleasuring and you
get there fast, it's like taking the highway.
Like you just, okay, I know I'm going to get there. I'm going to get on the
highway. I'm going to like take this like train.
I know I'm going to get there and we're done. But what if there's like.
(34:03):
What if you're not on the highway? The scenic route, right? It's the scenic route.
But also, when you are slowing down and you're finding that nuance and pleasure,
you expand your pleasure network.
So instead of just one highway, it's multiple webs. So it doesn't matter who's
touching you or how they're touching you. You're finding enjoyment.
(34:27):
The way that we have sex with ourselves is the way that we have sex with other
people. Like, so the more we expand into that, the more options we're going to have.
I love what Layla said. I totally understand what she's saying when she said
this, that people have asked her, like, you know, when you're dating,
like, and you're having sex with people, like, what have you found?
(34:50):
Like, are people intimidated, like, with the fact that you're a sex coach,
that you're a tantrica, that you have all this, like, knowledge and wisdom and,
like, embodied within you?
And she said actually it's like the same thing
is if you pick up a really like beautiful
expensive well-tuned instrument and you
start playing and like beautiful music just like pours
(35:12):
out because it's just the high the high quality tuned instrument everyone's
going to think that they're great at playing it or like a really are that you
can like like a lamborghini that like Like you're just hugging curves like in
the road and you're like, fuck, I'm such a good driver.
It's like that's where I've gotten like my body.
(35:35):
It's like, yes, I can totally appreciate skill and appreciate connection with
someone and appreciate that they're learning my body.
But I've also gotten to the point where my pleasure capacity,
like that pleasure network has been so expansive that it's like,
I can come from you licking my nipple. Like I can come from like...
(36:00):
No genital play at all, I can have an orgasm because I've like trained my body,
which goes back to like why we should be doing more self-pleasure is that partner
sex is only going to improve.
Yes, absolutely. I love that.
And I was kind of giggling at one point because I was just thinking about conversations
(36:21):
that I've had with people before I was with my husband where they're like, but I made you cum.
I'm like, but you didn't. I did.
You just, you just, the sex was great because I was great. And because I didn't
let your performance hinder my orgasm.
(36:44):
Yeah. Yes. The scenic route during a solo pleasure session is about having some
new touch experiences, tuning in to your five senses.
And at any given moment, just see what seems most erotic to you, right? Yeah.
(37:05):
Well, and all the people that are saying they want to have these mind-blowing
tantric sex experiences, like you got to start there.
Like you have to train your nervous
system to understand like
the nuance of pleasure and as much
as I love toys like I have a couple favorites learning how to pleasure yourself
(37:30):
manually and going at that slow pace and taking even the the need for orgasm
off the table and just enjoying the present moment of sensations conversations is liberating.
It's so empowering because it's like, I don't actually need any external source.
I don't need a partner. I don't need a toy.
(37:51):
This is me. I'm giving myself pleasure. I'm giving myself permission to have
pleasure. It's like you say in that guide, I made you come.
No, I gave my body permission to experience pleasure. Yes.
I unleashed my orgasm. Yeah. Yes.
And I try to impart that on clients too, especially female clients that as you
(38:16):
get in touch with your orgasm, you, you are unleashing it.
Right. And I think that there's something very like primal and visceral about
feeling like you unleash something.
Right. And it takes it takes pressure to off of your partner when you do that.
And then it also takes away this like, I need my partner, like I need this man
(38:38):
to experience pleasure.
Like I've had in past relationships, I would tone down my arousal because I'm
like, well, is he interested in sex? because if he's not, then like,
I don't want to get myself worked up.
And now I'm like, I love that arousal. Like I can, even if I don't use it sexually,
(38:58):
like not even just partner sex, not even solo sex, I get to use that arousal as fuel for my day.
Like I will get turned on, I'll turn myself on before I make a post because
it just, it activates like those creative centers too.
Yes. I like that. Yeah. I like to try that more often.
(39:20):
I wish I had that more often. There are definitely times where like I'm in the
middle of, of a post and I actually have to like stop and take a break.
Other times I'm just like trying to knock it out, but I try to like turning
myself on a little bit more before,
especially when I'm trying to make something a little bit more like juicy,
a little less like fact-based educational,
(39:41):
which sometimes I tend to lean on and in post just because that's what gets
the least censorship yeah you get too you get too juicy for the algorithm and
i don't like you i'll smack your wrist.
So another thing that this study found is that 53 of people have been made to
(40:06):
feel some sort of shame related to solo pleasure.
And that 47% and the people surveyed also felt that like guilty feelings after a pleasure session.
So, you know, we know what happens. We know it's like half the population that
go through some of these things.
And some of them are very related to like a religious upbringing or even just
(40:29):
a strict family or culture, regardless of religion.
Religion but what do you think are some of the best ways to help people transmute
that shame and that guilt and
shift out of this like sense of this is so taboo and dirty bad whatever,
(40:50):
into something that's even just more neutral even if it's not super positive
like how do you help people make some shifts in this area?
For one, I mean, just educating on human nature.
So when we talked about how pleasure is like your birthright,
well, even before we are born in utero, we masturbate.
(41:12):
Yeah. A lot of people don't realize that, but yeah, we do.
I mean, think about like the most pure state.
People talk about how babies are so pure and they are touching themselves in
utero like okay if this thing that is the most it's the stage in our life that
is the most pure the most innocent is doing that like what i don't see how that's wrong like it's natural.
(41:39):
So there's there's that piece also the opposite of shame for me is celebration
so slowly starting to like celebrate your sexuality like celebrate the fact
that you know, especially as a female,
like a female body, that if you have a clitoris,
knowing that there are 10,000 or more nerve endings just in the glands,
(42:05):
whereas in the penis, it's like 4,000.
I mean, that's still a good chunk of like delicious, like pleasurable experiences that can happen.
I mean, guys, what is it? How many men do you say masturbate?
And 95% of men admitted to masturbating. Yes. Yes.
Yeah. So clearly, they're getting enjoyment. But just knowing that and knowing
(42:30):
like how sensitive our bodies are,
and with females, like our because we have smaller bodies, our nerve endings
on our skin are closer together as well.
So we're, we are built for pleasure.
Pleasure really is your birthright. Like we are born and primed and ready.
(42:50):
Another big fact around sexuality being such a human experience is like we are
one of the only species that has sex for pleasure.
The other two are the Manobo ape, which I could talk about them forever, and dolphins.
(43:11):
And like they're also highly intelligent. I was reading Recapture the Rapture by Jamie Wheal.
It's a fascinating book. But he talks about the reason humans are intelligent.
The reason that we have this high consciousness is because of our sexuality.
Like how our bodies are made too. So pendulating breasts and larger penises
(43:39):
like have no actual function except for like, hey,
I'm sexually attractive.
I'm sexually ready. I'm viral. Like a gorilla, a 500 pound gorilla,
like has penis of like an inch and like three quarters, like maximum, I think.
(43:59):
So it has nothing to do with like the size of the animal. for penis size.
Humans, like you wouldn't know that someone was ovulating.
Like you might like know someone and be like, okay, she's wearing like skimpier
clothes and wearing lipstick today.
She might be like in that ovulating phase.
Yeah. Or she's wearing sweatpants and like eating chocolate.
(44:22):
She might be like on her period. Yeah.
But other than that, there's no telltale sign that like we're in heat or that
we're ovulating, that we're fertile.
We have sex around the cycle.
I mean other species like
are you just having sex like to procreate yes so
(44:43):
like we are inherently sexual beings like i call humans pleasure monkeys we're
always seeking pleasure right we're running away right and i'm trying to avoid
pain or dissatisfaction or yeah pleasure monkeys Pleasure monkeys.
Sexuality. Pleasure monkeys. I'm going to use that now.
(45:03):
Yeah. And just know that like you're built for it.
You're born to experience sexual bliss and pleasure.
Yes. That permission for pleasure peace is so big for a lot of people that are
tying in guilt and shame with any sexual expression or pleasure practice.
(45:25):
Yeah. And on a deeper level, like more on that like individual level,
the work I do is we find a desire.
So if your desire is that I desire to experience more pleasure,
I desire to have a sexual relationship with myself.
We paint what that looks like with all five senses. And then we find a piece
(45:48):
inside of you that's like, like I'm in resistance to that.
And then we talk from that piece. And it could be a piece that like,
when you were four, your parents caught you like my parents would catch me rubbing.
That's what they called it. When I come out of my room with like flushed red cheeks.
And they're like, were you rubbing? Like, like I was doing something wrong.
(46:09):
I'm like, this feels so fucking good. And so a piece was created of like,
oh, I'm going to be rejected or shut down or get in trouble if I explore this.
So there's a piece that comes in that's a protection piece of like,
let's avoid you getting in trouble for this.
(46:30):
So let's avoid you feeling the shame. Just don't do it.
And if you don't speak from that piece or speak even to it, you carry that with you. So Yeah.
So that's why you could be alone. No one knows that you're self-pleasuring,
but you feel that shame and that guilt because you have these like sub-personalities and these parts.
(46:53):
And when you find one, like let's say you do a slow pleasure practice and you
hear that like your mother's voice come in or you hear that piece that's like,
I got to get through this really quickly because, you know, this is wrong or,
you know, I might get caught or any of those things.
And how how would it feel to put that
piece on the other side of the door like give yourself permission like
(47:15):
just for the next 30 minutes like i don't have to
have that piece and then you decide if you want to
pick it back up like that's the thing too like you you
can be like okay i'll pick up my guilt later or you can say you
know what it felt really damn good to not have a
nun inside of me yeah yeah
(47:36):
and then the two that like going
into even like shadow work is if
we repress our sexuality i believe that is where we get these twisted expressions
of sex yes like pedophilia and rape and sexual assault and just or even just
(47:59):
like closing yourself off or.
Anything that is this twisted, pathological aspect of sex, I believe it's because we have repressed it.
I agree. I totally agree.
And it's probably why we see so many instances of sexual abuse coming out of churches, right?
(48:22):
There are websites out there these days that are, you know, because so many
people out there want to claim that drag queens reading story hour to kids so
dangerous that these people are pedophiles.
Yet, it's not drag queens getting arrested for abusing children.
It's pastors. It's teachers. It's priests. Politicians. Yeah.
(48:48):
And a common theme for so many of them, obviously, is the repression.
Talking about sex, repression of sexual energy, creating this environment where
they are convinced that sex is dirty and disgusting, and then you're supposed
to save it for someone you love.
That can't be healthy for anyone's mindset. And not making excuses.
(49:11):
Neither of us are making excuses for anyone. It's simply what we see as a logical
conclusion to when you are making everything so dirty, taboo, against God, right?
When you're going against human nature, you're going to get,
as you say, these sort of like twisted representations of sexual expression.
(49:34):
And then female sexuality, too.
It's not that there's not female sexuality out there in the world,
but it's very exploitative.
Yes. Like using a woman's body to sell something or if it is in relation to how it appeases a man.
(49:55):
Mm-hmm. But here, you know, I'm getting censored or I get flagged.
We're talking about sacred sexuality and orgasm and pleasure being your birthright.
And, you know, it's like, what are they afraid of?
Of power, not controlling it themselves.
(50:16):
Really? I think that's maybe like what you just said. So many people want to
use the representation of a female body to sell something within capitalism.
But the second that you are putting up a sexy picture of yourself,
the second you have an OnlyFans page,
the second that you simply put up a picture of yourself in a nice outfit that
(50:39):
maybe shows too much skin, according to some people,
well, that's a problem, right?
That right there is another piece of overcoming shame and guilt with self-pleasure
is people try to hold you down and repress that and silence it and shroud it
(50:59):
and make you smaller because it's literally your power source.
Yes. Yes. So listeners don't forget that. That. That's the lesson for today.
Yes. Okay, Savannah, I've got a lightning round of questions here for you.
Are you ready? Yeah. Okay.
(51:20):
What's your favorite way to turn yourself on?
I love simmering. So I'll think about something like maybe a past event or something
I want to do and then I build it in my mind. What am I going to wear?
Like, how did that feel last time? How How can I make it better?
That's the mental part. The physical part, my favorite way to turn myself on is using my breath.
(51:47):
Bend breath into my pussy. And focus on what I'm feeling on the exhale.
And on the inhale, it's like sending energy straight into her.
I like that. I know you said you don't have to use toys.
But if you had to pick a favorite kind of toy
(52:08):
what would it be i mean i'll give you exactly the
toy it's lilo sona
and it's got like a it's not like a
vibrate it's like a sonic pulsing so you
put a little bit of lube on and it suction cups like
right onto your clitoris and it is like i have
like it has been transformational like
(52:31):
that's when it's like if i know i want to come
um that's what i'm gonna do and that's when i it's hard
to take off of me because i'm like one more one more one more i love it okay
let me have that let me on that to my list yeah i have my wish list of toys
least favorite sex position they're all so good um.
(52:58):
If I have to, like, if there's any bouncing, like, I'll do it because I know,
like, during intercourse, like, I know that, like, bouncing,
like, while I'm writing or, like, reverse cowgirl, like, they enjoy that.
But it doesn't do, like, a whole lot for me.
Same. Yeah. If I'm going to be on top, I want to be, like, rubbing and grinding
so I can get the bulbs in my clitoris activated. But, yeah, bouncing, same.
(53:22):
Like, putting your chair in. Yeah, right?
Yeah. That's what I do. there you go best brand of underwear you've ever worn
i mean i love victoria's secret it's a go-to,
i'm a sad i just got into savage finney their their underwear is so comfortable,
(53:43):
everything i've gotten i love oh god i love it favorite sex
education book oh women's anatomy
of pleasure okay yeah what
is a song that the second you hear it you feel instantly turned on there's a
song i love to play with fire or always love to play with fire i can't think
(54:07):
of the the artist but it's just it's sexy i think it's on my sorry i'm tied up playlist.
Playlist that's a great name for a pleasure playlist i like that my most popular
playlist i'll have to send it to you please do please yeah i've got i've got
(54:27):
oh yeah but what i call it like,
I don't even remember what I call my list. It's been a little while,
actually, since I listened to my own playlist, but I have it on my my links
for everyone to check out online.
All right. Well, that brings us to our final segment, which is ask Coach Kristen anything.
This can be asking for yourself, asking for a friend or again,
(54:50):
since we are both sexologists, something that maybe you'd like my opinion about or ask me.
You can ask me something personal. You can ask me about something that I do, too.
I've asked you a lot of personal questions today too and I'm an open book for
you and my listeners you're in the hot seat now yeah what is one of your peak sexual experiences,
(55:13):
and can you describe why it was so amazing so yes admittedly it was a very elevated
pleasure session. I was on acid.
I had a lover that knew what he was doing, and he just kept making me come over
(55:36):
and over and over again, especially with his mouth.
I swear to God, I left this plane of existence for a little while while I was
rolling on one of those oral pleasure sections of our time together.
But then he just is a very giving lover. It was a very connected experience,
despite us both tripping our balls off.
(55:58):
I lost count of how many orgasms I had. And hey, we're still friends to this day.
But I don't want to be in a room with him again when I trip past it because
I'm going to be like, hey, want to do that again?
I'm in an open marriage, so I'm sure my husband will be fine with it.
But not to say I haven't had mind-blowing experiences with my husband.
The thing is, I have so many.
(56:19):
He's the other 99 out of 100, I would say, whereas this one is like,
damn, I still think about that sometimes.
So, yeah, that was my, that's my story.
I remember a surprising amount of it considering I was on acid.
(56:39):
But, yeah, just, it was somebody who I'd had a previous experience with.
So we already sort of knew each other's bodies.
And just one of those guys who makes sure there's no gap in our orgasms.
He was always a she comes first kind
of guy uh they needed medals
(57:00):
there should be some way to like identify them
right i'm like
women i'm down with like a you know tattoo system where
we've got like i don't know can we scan a barcode and get
some info or scan a qr code about them i did
see actually a dating app out there
that women have to recommend the guy and then they like rate him oh but i mean
(57:27):
having a little trophy or a medal to be like hey like i mean men do that they
hang up like their fish and like deer like why would i wouldn't be like,
that's ted yeah i know i i know i want that honor i mean i i teach a cock worship class.
(57:47):
And actually it was yeah it was this
lover that i've had on my podcast and i
was like hey i've got a workshop coming up called cock worship and he
was like of all the people out there that should be teaching that it's
you thanks boo i have reviews
from past lovers they
(58:07):
wrote reviews and past participants
and their partners love it
like we need trophies and there was a dildo
a golden dildo yes there is like a sex sex writing kind of organization that
gives out golden cocks as awards for those who are like in the industry writing
(58:32):
about sex I want one of those right now.
Yeah, I want one of those. Let's get him. Yes. Some DP.
Hell yeah.
Savannah, this was such a great conversation today. I am so appreciative of your time.
I come from a place of abundance and I feel like there's so many people out
(58:56):
there to help that we need like dozens, hundreds more of us.
But I'm happy to have you here in town and to have you in my network.
And I would also love it if you'd take a moment and let the folks listening
know how can they find you?
(59:17):
The best way is through social media. You can follow me on Facebook or Instagram.
And I'm sure we can probably put those in the notes. Yes.
Yeah. I have a website. It's probably like six months behind every time.
Websites are not my jam. am on social media.
I will respond within 36 to 48 hours.
(59:40):
An inquiry, I'm posting pretty often on there.
You can get videos of me, my inner writing, my inner working,
my turn on, my celebrating my sexuality. It's right there.
Lovely. Lovely. Well, again, I'm so thankful for your time today and for this
(01:00:00):
conversation that we got to have about International Masturbation month or internationally,
however we want to call it, solo sex month, solo pleasure month.
But yeah, I know the listeners are going to love this one.
Yes. Thank you. I had fun. Me too. Me too. Anytime I talk about sex,
I'm there. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.
(01:00:21):
Well, I wish you all the best, all the success in the world.
And you go enjoy the rest of your evening. I'm sure I know what you'll be doing
tonight. Same. Get your playlist out.
I'll be doing it. Trust me.
I've got things on the charger in the other room.
All right. Take care. Hey. Thanks for listening to Keep Them Coming.
(01:00:44):
Please rate, subscribe, and share this podcast with your friends and lovers.
Check the show notes for information about stuff discussed in the episode.
You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, and Facebook.
But visit my website, OpenTheDoorsCoaching.com, If you want more information
about me, my column or my coaching services,
if you want less censored content about sex and relationships straight to your
(01:01:08):
inbox and to know what I'm up to, including upcoming workshops and events,
then please subscribe to the dirty bird email list.
Send me an email. Kristen at open the doors, coaching.com. If you have any questions,
you want to book a session, or if you have a suggestion.
Music.
Music.
(00:08):
Welcome to Keep Them Coming. I'm your host, Kristen Thomas.
I'm a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, as well as a writer,
inventor, and public speaker.
I love to teach about sex and pleasure, but one of my deep passions is to talk
to people about what goes on in their sex lives and relationships.
(00:28):
Telling people's stories, or having them tell their own story,
helps normalize the taboo, break
down barriers to desire, and allow all of us to have even better sex.
Conversations on Keep Them Coming may include tales of long-lost love,
gender journeys, entrepreneurship, community activism, queer history,
(00:50):
kinks, and consensual non-monogamy on top of adult sex ed.
Don't worry, there's plenty for the self-described Vanilla Crowd on these episodes as well.
Having said that, dear listener, you should be 18 and over and probably listening on your headphones.
You can also watch Keep Them Coming on my YouTube channel. Thanks for tuning in.
(01:14):
Music.
It's season three. Are you ready?
Are you ready? Because this season will be hotter and more educational than ever before.
I have fellow coaches. I have doctors that specialize in menopause.
(01:38):
I have authors, therapists, CEOs, ex-evangelical millennials,
LGBT activists, mental load influencers, new models, and much, much, much more.
I've had some workshops, a new sensual self-care book club, and several other
new events that I've never hosted before.
(02:01):
So if you would like to stay up to date on what I'm up to, make sure you get
on my email list, especially the dirty bird.
That's my uncensored content email, but I do have a safe for work email list.
Check the show notes or go to my social media and click the link in my bio,
and you can sign up for either list there.
I am incredibly honored to open up season three with a fellow sexologist,
(02:24):
Savannah Rose of Savannah Rose Coaching.
We discuss all things pleasure surrounding International Masturbation Month. That's right.
May is International Masturbation Month, but we discuss what we like to call
it instead of masturbation.
It's not that masturbation is a dirty word but we've
(02:46):
we've got other terms that we use for we also discussed some
very interesting statistics about solo
pleasure time and why women prefer solo time to intercourse we discussed what
role we wholeheartedly believe pleasure plays in people's lives and we also
talked about the best way to make partnered playtime way hotter and way more connected.
(03:12):
My guest, Savannah, is a certified VEDA sex, love, and relationship coach specializing
in closing the orgasm gap, which we also discussed, healing from abuse,
and helping others live their most authentic expression.
She also has a background in holistic health, including massage therapy,
yoga, breathwork, and Reiki, as well as being trauma-informed.
(03:37):
If you have missed just listening to keep them coming. This is going to be a
great kickoff for season three for you.
We get down and dirty into some of the details, share some very profound lessons and advice.
I just all around have a really fun time with this conversation that I know,
I know you're going to love listening to this one.
(03:58):
Don't forget to check out my monthly column in the pitch.
Keep them coming. Of course, for me, I wrote about masturbation month under the theme of DIY.
Do it yourself. I talked about some of the science-y stuff, some of the benefits,
both mental and physical, of practicing solo pleasure.
Find it on the Pitch KC's website, or again, go to my socials,
(04:22):
click the link in my bio, you'll find a link there.
All right. Thanks so much. Enjoy this episode.
Music.
Welcome to another episode of Keep Them Coming. I'm your host,
(04:43):
Kristen Thomas, and today I am joined by a fellow sexologist and coach, Savannah Rose.
Welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. Absolutely.
I'm excited to get season three started. This has been a long time coming,
but I just needed a mental health break from doing some stuff that just was really bogging me down.
(05:04):
Unfortunately, the podcast takes a lot of time.
That I just decided I didn't have anymore. So I'm glad to have you back here
or here with me while I bring back the podcast.
So I got to start off with this question, simply because I get this question all the time.
I always get asked, how or why did you become a sex coach?
(05:25):
The simple answer is, it's my favorite subject ever. And it has been probably pre-adolescent.
But getting into the holistic health world with massage therapy,
with Reiki, breathwork, yoga, coaching, admitting to myself, I want to be a sex coach.
(05:47):
I'm coming out of hiding. I want to
help people with this I was already doing it like for
years like that was the thing that like people loved to talk to me about and
it was the thing that I love talking about like it's the conversation piece
that it comes up like within like three to five minutes of having a conversation
with me if we haven't already started with sex it's getting there we're so much alike.
(06:15):
I definitely had a proclivity for all this stuff when I was very young.
I don't know whether it was because soap operas were always on at my grandma's
house or at our house. My mom read a lot of romance novels.
That's basically all that she read was romance novels with Fabio on the cover.
Yeah, sex has just always been something that I've been fascinated with and
(06:37):
never had a problem talking about. out.
So I saw from your website that when you were younger, you proclaimed at a family
event you wanted to be a sex therapist.
And of course, as coaches, I'm sure a lot of people don't quite understand the
distinction between therapy and coaching.
But I always explain it as it's just two sides of the same coin.
(06:59):
Therapy is a little bit more about digging into the past, whereas Whereas coachings
were taking you from your present into a better future.
Yeah. Yeah. And diagnosing anyone. Correct. Not pathologizing anything. Yeah.
So since it's may it's international masturbation
(07:21):
month it used to be national and now it's international masturbation month
but the first thing that i want to
discuss with you coach to coach i mean
yeah in my marketing and stuff i'm going to talk about masturbation because
it's the popular vernacular in this name of the
month but i think we're a lot alike where we don't actually like using the term
masturbation but tell me why you don't like using the word masturbation I have
(07:46):
been getting into just like the etymology of our words and the importance of
like what we say, how we say it.
And I think I heard several years ago that masturbation, it like roughly translates
to defile by hand, like which makes it feel icky.
(08:06):
And there's that shame around it. Like there's already enough shame and guilt
and ickiness around pleasing ourselves, around touching ourselves,
around sex in general, but I don't need to keep adding to that.
Love it. Yes. What do you like to say instead? Self-pleasure, solo play.
Yeah, I see solo sex. Also with that, trying to illustrate that sex is an umbrella
(08:32):
term under which there's lots and lots of variety of sex we can have.
Sometimes it's just for one.
Yes. One of my favorite books is by Betty Dodson, Sex for One.
I fucking love that book. Just, I mean, opening up with like your relationship
with yourself is the longest one that you're going to have.
(08:53):
Like you, your partner, even if you're married for 50 years,
like might not want to have sex when you want to have sex, might be sick.
Like, they might die. I mean, like, what do you do? Like, at that point, like, you need to...
Like having pleasure is like a base. I believe it's a basic human like need.
Yes. I say it's your birthright.
(09:14):
Pleasure is your birthright. Yes. Yes.
Yeah. I think that's something that I really try to hammer home to people when
they come in my office and they are especially they're experiencing low libido,
whether or not they're in a partnered situation or not.
People often with low libido. The first thing that I ask them is tell me about
(09:35):
your solo pleasure time. And they're like, what's a low pleasure time?
Okay, we're going to start there. And about, you know, like,
let's get back into building a connection with yourself, with your body and
with your brain, which is your biggest sex organ.
And magically, magically, once they get into a healthy practice and get reconnected
(09:56):
to pleasure, their libido is not low anymore.
Yeah. When you're having sex is when you want more sex.
Mm-hmm like what better way than to start with yourself yes it's easy yes yes it is and.
I'm always amazed you tell me if you find this people that come to you maybe
(10:20):
they've already seen a marriage and family therapist or licensed counselor do
you get a lot of couples or people who say that you know they went there because
of relationship stuff and sex is part of the issue you, but the therapist wouldn't
even talk about sex with them.
Oh, my God. Or they have shamed some of my clients in the past.
Like if one partner wants a lot of sex, they say they throw out the word sex
(10:43):
addiction, like compulsion, like just or, you know, we don't need to talk about that.
That like they or they brush over it's like this
is a huge piece and if the couple is
not having sex or not having great sex or
like their needs aren't being met like it's usually you know a symptom of the
(11:04):
relationship but also is going to impact the quality of your relationship like
if you're not embracing that part of you and I would go as far as to say I mean
I might be biased just It's because of what I do and what I believe in.
But anyone that's trying to adopt a holistic, healthy lifestyle,
if it doesn't include your sexuality with yourself, with partners,
(11:25):
you know, anything, then you are missing the mark on your health.
Singing from the rooftops. Savannah, for real. I don't know if you saw my post
recently about a T-shirt I had made for an event.
Girl. Again, this whole concept of people who want to talk about whole person
(11:47):
health and all these things that we need,
whether it's water and sunshine and a good hug and conversation and vulnerability,
no matter what quadrants of life they want to come from on this,
if they are not including sexual health as part of that, they are ignoring,
to me, what really whole person health is all about. out.
(12:08):
So I knew I was going to see this person at events coming up this year.
So I had my friend Carly at Under the Cover Bookstore, the romance bookshop,
make me a t-shirt that said, sexual health is whole person health.
Splashed all across my tits, multiple lines of it. And at the very end, it said, have a nice day.
I need one of those. I'm thinking about getting them printed up for sure.
(12:31):
Especially for my fellow sexologists out there.
I know there's more people in that that would want one. But for sure,
some of my fellow coaching friends were in the DMs like, where'd you get them? It's custom.
It's one of a kind so far. But I'll let you know if we print more.
But I just don't, I don't get it.
I don't get how people can try to line up all these things that they think that
(12:56):
you need to be a healthy whole person and then just completely ignore sexuality and pleasure.
Yeah. Well, when you approach it from a tantric or Taoist look,
it's actually the root. It's the very start.
Everything comes from that sexual life force, that vital energy.
(13:18):
If you say that you want to be more spiritual or more loving or create something.
Like the main fuel is sexual energy.
It just gets refined and transmuted into something else. Like I,
yeah, it just makes me giggle.
When abstinence is like a part of being spiritual or being like religious,
(13:43):
it's like, okay, but you can't deny that there is sexual, like erotic energy that's everything.
I agree. It's in everything. Yes. Like you were alive because someone had sex.
I say that all the time. We are here because of sex. Even if you don't have
sex, you can be asexual, but we're still here because of it.
(14:04):
And you exist because of it. Yeah.
So, you know, you touched base there on Tantra, which is something that you studied with.
So you did the VEDA coaching program, right? With Layla Martin.
Whereas I did Sex Coach U with Dr. Patty Britton. And we talk about Tantra,
but I don't think it's quite as in depth as far as what you learn about it.
(14:28):
So I think that there's a lot of misconceptions out there about Tantra and that
there's the sort of life force part that you talked about.
Then there's the erotic practice involving Tantric practices.
But I think that people just label it Tantra, right?
Do you think that's a misconception or like it's convoluted? Like tell me about that.
(14:53):
Yeah. So Tantra itself is like a really vast like philosophy that actually like
yoga, mantra, mandalas, like Zen practices, like those came from Tantric philosophy.
And then there's like the left hand path of Tantra, which is like the lightning path.
And yes, within that, and even within like neo-tantra does come like the tantric sex practices.
(15:19):
But like tantra itself is not about.
There's tantric sex and what i
find fascinating about tantra and weaving
sexuality into it is that
you could essentially like fuck your
way to enlightenment like i love that leila said that
like that joke with me i'm like damn it's juicy you
(15:42):
know like if our purpose here is to be our most actualized selves and like find
the state of enlightened beingness yeah sure you You could be like a monk and
meditate every day on the side of a mountain and like give up all your worldly possessions.
Or you could realize that your sexuality like is your divine birthright and
(16:06):
is a way to heal and like and find bliss.
Like, I mean, I believe that enlightenment is just that state of absolute bliss
where it's just you realize everything in your life has been sacred.
I love that. Thank you so much for that explanation.
(16:26):
There's definitely been people that reach out to me and like, do you teach Tantra?
I'm like, well, I don't. And also, who I refer you to is going to have to educate you on that.
So there's just, I think there's a lot of people out there that heard a buzzword.
They did some quick Googling and now they want to have this mind-blowing Tantric sex. Well, yeah.
(16:50):
Cool. Yes. And there's going to be a path to get you there before you just immediately
jump into that mind-blowing sex.
But I love that explanation.
Thank you so much for that one. I think the listeners need that one too.
So Savannah, let me talk about some statistics for solo sex and solo pleasure
(17:10):
to celebrate, to talk about International Masturbation Month here.
So look, you and I both know, and
a lot of the listeners probably know that we are living in times where sexual health
information and education is highly
highly suppressed and it's it's had
its ebbs and flows through especially here in the united states with the way
people talk about it could be very educational very open-minded and then it
(17:34):
gets very puritanical and it can get educational again and then it seems to
get puritanical when you feel like we're in a puritanical time but i think it's
no wonder that we have so many adults that are feeling really.
Repressed around this topic right so let
me read out some stats for you here and then we'll chat about them yeah a
lot of this comes from the tanga 2020 pleasure survey tanga bna usually for
(17:59):
a penis owner sex toy brand so 40 of men 22 of women say that they get off daily
55 of men and 48 of women Women say it's once a week.
95% of American men admit to masturbating compared to 89% of women.
And that is different than some other countries.
(18:21):
54% of women use vibrators when masturbating. And reportedly only like 17% of
men use any form of a sex toy for solo sex.
I love this one here. four out of ten women say they prefer masturbation over sex.
Let's talk about that one in for a second okay yeah well let's talk about the orgasm gap yes,
(18:48):
exactly yes please go ahead tell us a little bit more oh this is where i'm very
passionate so So the orgasm gap is definitely like you can,
there's a huge discrepancy about the frequency of orgasms in heterosexual couples.
So I think it was like 90 something percent of heterosexual men will have an
(19:14):
orgasm, their sexual encounter.
I think that same, that number is about the same for lesbian and bisexual women
with other women and then gay men.
But for women and heterosexual relationships, it's about 65%.
Yeah, about a 30% difference, right? Yeah.
(19:34):
It's even worse if it's hookup sex. Yes.
Yeah, because there's like this lack of that's a whole subject.
But but what was interesting, too, is that it's not like the heterosexual women,
if they're masturbating, that number is about 95 percent that they're having an orgasm.
So it's not like, oh, women's bodies are so fucking complicated.
(19:57):
They just can't have an orgasm. It's OK. The person that they're having sex
with might be uneducated.
There's not great communication. medication she doesn't maybe
know what she wants because she's not exploring because
there's so much shame around exploring that
yourself but yeah when
I read the book Becoming Clitorate I think it was like in 2018 like I changed
(20:24):
my script when I started having sex so even in the hookup situation it was like
this is how it's going to be like you can have an orgasm That'll happen for you. I guarantee it.
But I'm going to have one or two before you do. Yeah.
Hell yeah. Like, so, I mean, that's how that is how this worked because this
is how my body worked. Yeah.
(20:46):
I broke out my magic wand on a few guys when I was in my hookup era or my casual dating era.
Because I definitely had like a rotation. It wasn't all just first timers.
It was, you know, guys that came back for around four or five or six.
Anyway, broke out the magic wand a few times for them.
Two were very intimidated by it
(21:07):
one did not realize that the magic one was for external stimulation one just
flat i was like no why would you get that out i'm like well if you're perfectly
able to make me come with your mouth or your hands or things like that before
you have an orgasm then we won't get it out i got it out.
(21:28):
My jaw hurts yeah right well
use your fingers like yeah alternate that's
what i do yeah yeah i know
i go back and forth between mouth and hand mouth and hand my jaw
needs a break go to licking for a little bit like there's workarounds
here man right it's dry mouth on it some extra yes I wish that men understood
(21:54):
and a lot of them do like I've had really great experience actually with men
and toys but if they understood it's a teenage,
That's your team player, buddy. Yes. Like it's the baton handoff. Yes.
I often use the different, the analogy, especially when I'm talking in my office
or online to a client and I can just tell he's not into toys or he's flat out
(22:18):
said, I don't know about toys. Why should we have to use toys?
Do you have a screwdriver in your toolbox? Of course they do. Do you also have a drill?
Cool. They do basically the same job, just one a little faster,
a little more efficient, a little easier on the wrist, right?
Then they start to get it.
(22:40):
This is just a tool in your toolbox. You can use that on her.
It doesn't have to be like hers exclusive.
It doesn't have to be her doing her own thing and you're just along for the ride. Get involved.
Yes. And when there's a toy on you, the rest of your body also becomes available
(23:00):
for mouth and hands and more toys.
Like, I mean, I want as much stimulation as possible.
And what I love about toys and partner sex is that I have a very greedy pussy.
Like, I am insatiable sometimes. Sometimes like I could have already gotten
(23:22):
off my one or two, three times before he does.
He's happy. He's, you know, and like almost comatose. Right.
It was. And I'm like, I could do one more.
I can have one more. And like, that's the toy out.
Yes. Would you like a nickel?
(23:43):
I love when especially female body people have gotten so in touch with pleasure.
That they get that level of insatiability about them.
Especially when you see someone go from, eh, orgasms are fine.
I don't have them very often to, they're rolling through like three,
(24:03):
four, five, six, or they're having a solo pleasure session and that orgasm is
lasting several minutes.
And it's kind of rolling to where you're like, am I coming again?
Or has this been one long orgasm? yeah a lot of a lot of pussy owners can be
quite insatiable once they once they figure it out,
(24:25):
Did you see my post about orgasms being like potato chips? No. Tell me. Tell me.
So what is the, I'm trying to think now what the motto is for lays.
Well, Pringles is like, once you pop, you can't stop.
That was like the second part of it. Lays is like, you can't just have one.
Like, so once I get rolling, like I can't just have one, but good thing that
(24:49):
when I get going, like I can't stop.
Like I there's just no stopping me it's
just it just does roll and that's the there's another
meme I saw that was like sometimes you know it's
really hard being a girl and then I have 27 orgasms in a row I can't make up
for a lot of bullshit in life that's for sure yeah not everything but a lot
(25:12):
and honestly like men that I've been with that do put my pleasure first that do
understand that sometimes it might
take me a while like to get there that understand that
i can have multiple orgasms and embrace
and like celebrate that those are the guys i'm
(25:33):
calling back like if you want to get a repeat customer right oh my god but her
like and also i would say there's another there's one of my golden Golden rules
is like give head the way that you wish to receive it.
So it's like if I have an amazing experience, like I'm I'm ready.
(25:56):
Like I'm going to worship your cock like you make feel good.
And like I'm going to return that energy back to you like tenfold.
Like it's going to be fucking incredible. And it's only going to feel better
for them during intercourse.
If I've already gotten off, like I'm lubricated, my clitoris like engorged,
engorged like you're gonna feel that like snugness that like liberate everything
(26:20):
that they love about a vagina gets like 10 times better yes yes that's why this
whole concept of she comes first.
Not just the book but like that was the whole thing before she called dr emily
nagowski called that her book but the vagina owner having an orgasm first makes
a huge difference for every reason you just explained.
(26:44):
And no matter what some male dating coaches out there are saying,
oh my God, Savannah, are you seeing some of these guys?
No, I guess you're lucky your algorithm is taking care of you.
I don't see them as often as maybe some other people are.
A lot of times I'm coming across them in stitches or things like that.
(27:05):
There was recently this guy who, one, called himself America's best dating coach.
But he was saying that the reason that you don't want to make your girl come
is because she'll get too wet and then once she's too wet you're just going
to be slipping and sliding out of there and of course the stitches i saw were
(27:26):
like buddy you're telling on yourself.
Like that's not the advice you think you're giving yeah they make extenders
for that i mean Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Try new positions.
There's all sorts of things that you can do instead.
All the things. But also it's like just the and then that's relating back to it doesn't.
(27:52):
So many people out there think that her pleasure doesn't matter.
The only thing that really makes it sex is the penis going in the vagina and
then he gets to have his orgasm.
Right? Right. Yeah. I almost want to start finding them so that I can just come in with my education.
Yeah. Yeah. OK. So, again, four out of 10 women prefer masturbation over sex.
(28:18):
I think that if we had a much more educated populace, if there was a lot less
stigma in talking about this stuff, that number would be quite different.
It might not be, you know, 10 out of 10 prefer sex over masturbation,
but like the reason that so many people prefer masturbation over partner playtime
(28:40):
is because of that lack of connection or that lack of pleasure that can be on
par with what we can give ourselves.
Yeah, I am to the point now. So I took a year off of partner sex while I was
healing from an abusive relationship.
And I'm to the point now, I'm like, do I want to entertain this man?
(29:03):
Or whoever, whoever I'm having sex with, do I want to entertain them?
Because, yeah, sometimes it feels like I can see where someone would prefer
masturbation because it can feel like work to have sex with another person.
But I mean, I love partner sex. I love that connection.
I love that I can communicate my wants and desires and that it's not this like,
(29:27):
oh, gosh, like this might hurt if they do it wrong or they're not listening to my needs.
I feel like they're just using my body for a masturbation object.
Jack yes exactly guys out
there that are not partnered and are looking for
someone just just take it from us you are
(29:48):
not competing with other men for her pussy you're competing with her for her
pussy right yeah yeah i mean so like when i'm like okay i'm going to self-pleasure
before i go out, which is like one of my favorite things to do.
Like you get a natural blush, you get a little like boost, you're like aroused,
(30:10):
you're, I feel magnetic and like vibrant, but I can, I can have like 10.
Boom. I know what to do. Where, you know, you meet a new partner, you got to teach them.
I mean, I still love that. But I can see where it would just be,
it just is a lot more work than to just like, hey, if I want an orgasm,
(30:31):
I know 95% of the time I'm going to have one with myself versus the 65%.
You know, if you went to a casino with those odds, you're going to want the
slot machine that's 95%.
Yeah. Yeah. I know another T-shirt we should probably get made for ourselves.
(30:52):
If I'm late, it's probably because I was masturbating. Yes.
That's a legit excuse. Although we could say self-pleasuring. Self-pleasure. Yeah.
Sorry. I was late because I was playing with myself.
The toys I have at home make me want to keep playing. We can come up with these
(31:13):
all day long, I'm sure. Yeah.
Oh, let's see here. A couple more stats on masturbation and solo sex.
34% of people have masturbated in the office at work.
That was high. I wonder if that's just men. I don't know.
I don't know many of my friends that have gotten off at work,
(31:34):
but I mean, maybe sometimes you just got to go into the bathroom. I'll see here.
Men masturbate 46 hours a year and women masturbate 27 hours a year.
So I wish... They didn't ask me for the survey. No, they didn't.
They didn't ask me either. Although I am...
And this is one of my things I want to talk about. Let's talk about it now.
(31:55):
I do tend to be kind of a quickie person, but I also enjoy my time where I slow down.
The numbers show that most people, I think it was something like 45% of most
people, again, that 2020 Tenga survey, keep it quick with solo sessions.
And they're usually under 10 minutes.
(32:16):
And only 6% of respondents reported a pleasure session over 30 minutes.
Just like with partnered playtime, with solo sex, a quickie has its time and its place, right?
And some of us may just be blessed where we can get off fast,
we can still relax afterwards, and then go about our days.
But there is something to be said about the slow dance.
(32:40):
So, like, what do you think are some of the benefits of taking your time?
Maybe not every time, but what do you think are some of the benefits of taking
your time with a solo pleasure session? So this is a huge piece of what we did in VEDA.
So our self-pleasure practices were drawn, they're at least like 20 to 30 minutes.
(33:02):
There's so many different benefits to that. Like with the pleasure practices,
we take orgasm like kind of off the table, first of all.
And there's usually an intention set.
So we could do self-pleasure for shadow work, for trauma healing,
for self-love, using some of those sacred sexuality holistic tools,
(33:23):
like focusing on breath and sounding and movement.
But even if you're not doing a pleasure practice that has some kind of structure to it.
For me, I think the benefit, when you're having sex with someone else,
they're not going to do exactly the same thing that your toy or your hand does.
(33:43):
Like they're not going to do the exact same pressure, same speed.
If you're doing the same thing every time that you are self-pleasuring and you
get there fast, it's like taking the highway.
Like you just, okay, I know I'm going to get there. I'm going to get on the
highway. I'm going to like take this like train.
I know I'm going to get there and we're done. But what if there's like.
(34:03):
What if you're not on the highway? The scenic route, right? It's the scenic route.
But also, when you are slowing down and you're finding that nuance and pleasure,
you expand your pleasure network.
So instead of just one highway, it's multiple webs. So it doesn't matter who's
touching you or how they're touching you. You're finding enjoyment.
(34:27):
The way that we have sex with ourselves is the way that we have sex with other
people. Like, so the more we expand into that, the more options we're going to have.
I love what Layla said. I totally understand what she's saying when she said
this, that people have asked her, like, you know, when you're dating,
like, and you're having sex with people, like, what have you found?
(34:50):
Like, are people intimidated, like, with the fact that you're a sex coach,
that you're a tantrica, that you have all this, like, knowledge and wisdom and,
like, embodied within you?
And she said actually it's like the same thing
is if you pick up a really like beautiful
expensive well-tuned instrument and you
start playing and like beautiful music just like pours
(35:12):
out because it's just the high the high quality tuned instrument everyone's
going to think that they're great at playing it or like a really are that you
can like like a lamborghini that like Like you're just hugging curves like in
the road and you're like, fuck, I'm such a good driver.
It's like that's where I've gotten like my body.
(35:35):
It's like, yes, I can totally appreciate skill and appreciate connection with
someone and appreciate that they're learning my body.
But I've also gotten to the point where my pleasure capacity,
like that pleasure network has been so expansive that it's like,
I can come from you licking my nipple. Like I can come from like...
(36:00):
No genital play at all, I can have an orgasm because I've like trained my body,
which goes back to like why we should be doing more self-pleasure is that partner
sex is only going to improve.
Yes, absolutely. I love that.
And I was kind of giggling at one point because I was just thinking about conversations
(36:21):
that I've had with people before I was with my husband where they're like, but I made you cum.
I'm like, but you didn't. I did.
You just, you just, the sex was great because I was great. And because I didn't
let your performance hinder my orgasm.
(36:44):
Yeah. Yes. The scenic route during a solo pleasure session is about having some
new touch experiences, tuning in to your five senses.
And at any given moment, just see what seems most erotic to you, right? Yeah.
(37:05):
Well, and all the people that are saying they want to have these mind-blowing
tantric sex experiences, like you got to start there.
Like you have to train your nervous
system to understand like
the nuance of pleasure and as much
as I love toys like I have a couple favorites learning how to pleasure yourself
(37:30):
manually and going at that slow pace and taking even the the need for orgasm
off the table and just enjoying the present moment of sensations conversations is liberating.
It's so empowering because it's like, I don't actually need any external source.
I don't need a partner. I don't need a toy.
(37:51):
This is me. I'm giving myself pleasure. I'm giving myself permission to have
pleasure. It's like you say in that guide, I made you come.
No, I gave my body permission to experience pleasure. Yes.
I unleashed my orgasm. Yeah. Yes.
And I try to impart that on clients too, especially female clients that as you
(38:16):
get in touch with your orgasm, you, you are unleashing it.
Right. And I think that there's something very like primal and visceral about
feeling like you unleash something.
Right. And it takes it takes pressure to off of your partner when you do that.
And then it also takes away this like, I need my partner, like I need this man
(38:38):
to experience pleasure.
Like I've had in past relationships, I would tone down my arousal because I'm
like, well, is he interested in sex? because if he's not, then like,
I don't want to get myself worked up.
And now I'm like, I love that arousal. Like I can, even if I don't use it sexually,
(38:58):
like not even just partner sex, not even solo sex, I get to use that arousal as fuel for my day.
Like I will get turned on, I'll turn myself on before I make a post because
it just, it activates like those creative centers too.
Yes. I like that. Yeah. I like to try that more often.
(39:20):
I wish I had that more often. There are definitely times where like I'm in the
middle of, of a post and I actually have to like stop and take a break.
Other times I'm just like trying to knock it out, but I try to like turning
myself on a little bit more before,
especially when I'm trying to make something a little bit more like juicy,
a little less like fact-based educational,
(39:41):
which sometimes I tend to lean on and in post just because that's what gets
the least censorship yeah you get too you get too juicy for the algorithm and
i don't like you i'll smack your wrist.
So another thing that this study found is that 53 of people have been made to
(40:06):
feel some sort of shame related to solo pleasure.
And that 47% and the people surveyed also felt that like guilty feelings after a pleasure session.
So, you know, we know what happens. We know it's like half the population that
go through some of these things.
And some of them are very related to like a religious upbringing or even just
(40:29):
a strict family or culture, regardless of religion.
Religion but what do you think are some of the best ways to help people transmute
that shame and that guilt and
shift out of this like sense of this is so taboo and dirty bad whatever,
(40:50):
into something that's even just more neutral even if it's not super positive
like how do you help people make some shifts in this area?
For one, I mean, just educating on human nature.
So when we talked about how pleasure is like your birthright,
well, even before we are born in utero, we masturbate.
(41:12):
Yeah. A lot of people don't realize that, but yeah, we do.
I mean, think about like the most pure state.
People talk about how babies are so pure and they are touching themselves in
utero like okay if this thing that is the most it's the stage in our life that
is the most pure the most innocent is doing that like what i don't see how that's wrong like it's natural.
(41:39):
So there's there's that piece also the opposite of shame for me is celebration
so slowly starting to like celebrate your sexuality like celebrate the fact
that you know, especially as a female,
like a female body, that if you have a clitoris,
knowing that there are 10,000 or more nerve endings just in the glands,
(42:05):
whereas in the penis, it's like 4,000.
I mean, that's still a good chunk of like delicious, like pleasurable experiences that can happen.
I mean, guys, what is it? How many men do you say masturbate?
And 95% of men admitted to masturbating. Yes. Yes.
Yeah. So clearly, they're getting enjoyment. But just knowing that and knowing
(42:30):
like how sensitive our bodies are,
and with females, like our because we have smaller bodies, our nerve endings
on our skin are closer together as well.
So we're, we are built for pleasure.
Pleasure really is your birthright. Like we are born and primed and ready.
(42:50):
Another big fact around sexuality being such a human experience is like we are
one of the only species that has sex for pleasure.
The other two are the Manobo ape, which I could talk about them forever, and dolphins.
(43:11):
And like they're also highly intelligent. I was reading Recapture the Rapture by Jamie Wheal.
It's a fascinating book. But he talks about the reason humans are intelligent.
The reason that we have this high consciousness is because of our sexuality.
Like how our bodies are made too. So pendulating breasts and larger penises
(43:39):
like have no actual function except for like, hey,
I'm sexually attractive.
I'm sexually ready. I'm viral. Like a gorilla, a 500 pound gorilla,
like has penis of like an inch and like three quarters, like maximum, I think.
(43:59):
So it has nothing to do with like the size of the animal. for penis size.
Humans, like you wouldn't know that someone was ovulating.
Like you might like know someone and be like, okay, she's wearing like skimpier
clothes and wearing lipstick today.
She might be like in that ovulating phase.
Yeah. Or she's wearing sweatpants and like eating chocolate.
(44:22):
She might be like on her period. Yeah.
But other than that, there's no telltale sign that like we're in heat or that
we're ovulating, that we're fertile.
We have sex around the cycle.
I mean other species like
are you just having sex like to procreate yes so
(44:43):
like we are inherently sexual beings like i call humans pleasure monkeys we're
always seeking pleasure right we're running away right and i'm trying to avoid
pain or dissatisfaction or yeah pleasure monkeys Pleasure monkeys.
Sexuality. Pleasure monkeys. I'm going to use that now.
(45:03):
Yeah. And just know that like you're built for it.
You're born to experience sexual bliss and pleasure.
Yes. That permission for pleasure peace is so big for a lot of people that are
tying in guilt and shame with any sexual expression or pleasure practice.
(45:25):
Yeah. And on a deeper level, like more on that like individual level,
the work I do is we find a desire.
So if your desire is that I desire to experience more pleasure,
I desire to have a sexual relationship with myself.
We paint what that looks like with all five senses. And then we find a piece
(45:48):
inside of you that's like, like I'm in resistance to that.
And then we talk from that piece. And it could be a piece that like,
when you were four, your parents caught you like my parents would catch me rubbing.
That's what they called it. When I come out of my room with like flushed red cheeks.
And they're like, were you rubbing? Like, like I was doing something wrong.
(46:09):
I'm like, this feels so fucking good. And so a piece was created of like,
oh, I'm going to be rejected or shut down or get in trouble if I explore this.
So there's a piece that comes in that's a protection piece of like,
let's avoid you getting in trouble for this.
(46:30):
So let's avoid you feeling the shame. Just don't do it.
And if you don't speak from that piece or speak even to it, you carry that with you. So Yeah.
So that's why you could be alone. No one knows that you're self-pleasuring,
but you feel that shame and that guilt because you have these like sub-personalities and these parts.
(46:53):
And when you find one, like let's say you do a slow pleasure practice and you
hear that like your mother's voice come in or you hear that piece that's like,
I got to get through this really quickly because, you know, this is wrong or,
you know, I might get caught or any of those things.
And how how would it feel to put that
piece on the other side of the door like give yourself permission like
(47:15):
just for the next 30 minutes like i don't have to
have that piece and then you decide if you want to
pick it back up like that's the thing too like you you
can be like okay i'll pick up my guilt later or you can say you
know what it felt really damn good to not have a
nun inside of me yeah yeah
(47:36):
and then the two that like going
into even like shadow work is if
we repress our sexuality i believe that is where we get these twisted expressions
of sex yes like pedophilia and rape and sexual assault and just or even just
(47:59):
like closing yourself off or.
Anything that is this twisted, pathological aspect of sex, I believe it's because we have repressed it.
I agree. I totally agree.
And it's probably why we see so many instances of sexual abuse coming out of churches, right?
(48:22):
There are websites out there these days that are, you know, because so many
people out there want to claim that drag queens reading story hour to kids so
dangerous that these people are pedophiles.
Yet, it's not drag queens getting arrested for abusing children.
It's pastors. It's teachers. It's priests. Politicians. Yeah.
(48:48):
And a common theme for so many of them, obviously, is the repression.
Talking about sex, repression of sexual energy, creating this environment where
they are convinced that sex is dirty and disgusting, and then you're supposed
to save it for someone you love.
That can't be healthy for anyone's mindset. And not making excuses.
(49:11):
Neither of us are making excuses for anyone. It's simply what we see as a logical
conclusion to when you are making everything so dirty, taboo, against God, right?
When you're going against human nature, you're going to get,
as you say, these sort of like twisted representations of sexual expression.
(49:34):
And then female sexuality, too.
It's not that there's not female sexuality out there in the world,
but it's very exploitative.
Yes. Like using a woman's body to sell something or if it is in relation to how it appeases a man.
(49:55):
Mm-hmm. But here, you know, I'm getting censored or I get flagged.
We're talking about sacred sexuality and orgasm and pleasure being your birthright.
And, you know, it's like, what are they afraid of?
Of power, not controlling it themselves.
(50:16):
Really? I think that's maybe like what you just said. So many people want to
use the representation of a female body to sell something within capitalism.
But the second that you are putting up a sexy picture of yourself,
the second you have an OnlyFans page,
the second that you simply put up a picture of yourself in a nice outfit that
(50:39):
maybe shows too much skin, according to some people,
well, that's a problem, right?
That right there is another piece of overcoming shame and guilt with self-pleasure
is people try to hold you down and repress that and silence it and shroud it
(50:59):
and make you smaller because it's literally your power source.
Yes. Yes. So listeners don't forget that. That. That's the lesson for today.
Yes. Okay, Savannah, I've got a lightning round of questions here for you.
Are you ready? Yeah. Okay.
(51:20):
What's your favorite way to turn yourself on?
I love simmering. So I'll think about something like maybe a past event or something
I want to do and then I build it in my mind. What am I going to wear?
Like, how did that feel last time? How How can I make it better?
That's the mental part. The physical part, my favorite way to turn myself on is using my breath.
(51:47):
Bend breath into my pussy. And focus on what I'm feeling on the exhale.
And on the inhale, it's like sending energy straight into her.
I like that. I know you said you don't have to use toys.
But if you had to pick a favorite kind of toy
(52:08):
what would it be i mean i'll give you exactly the
toy it's lilo sona
and it's got like a it's not like a
vibrate it's like a sonic pulsing so you
put a little bit of lube on and it suction cups like
right onto your clitoris and it is like i have
like it has been transformational like
(52:31):
that's when it's like if i know i want to come
um that's what i'm gonna do and that's when i it's hard
to take off of me because i'm like one more one more one more i love it okay
let me have that let me on that to my list yeah i have my wish list of toys
least favorite sex position they're all so good um.
(52:58):
If I have to, like, if there's any bouncing, like, I'll do it because I know,
like, during intercourse, like, I know that, like, bouncing,
like, while I'm writing or, like, reverse cowgirl, like, they enjoy that.
But it doesn't do, like, a whole lot for me.
Same. Yeah. If I'm going to be on top, I want to be, like, rubbing and grinding
so I can get the bulbs in my clitoris activated. But, yeah, bouncing, same.
(53:22):
Like, putting your chair in. Yeah, right?
Yeah. That's what I do. there you go best brand of underwear you've ever worn
i mean i love victoria's secret it's a go-to,
i'm a sad i just got into savage finney their their underwear is so comfortable,
(53:43):
everything i've gotten i love oh god i love it favorite sex
education book oh women's anatomy
of pleasure okay yeah what
is a song that the second you hear it you feel instantly turned on there's a
song i love to play with fire or always love to play with fire i can't think
(54:07):
of the the artist but it's just it's sexy i think it's on my sorry i'm tied up playlist.
Playlist that's a great name for a pleasure playlist i like that my most popular
playlist i'll have to send it to you please do please yeah i've got i've got
(54:27):
oh yeah but what i call it like,
I don't even remember what I call my list. It's been a little while,
actually, since I listened to my own playlist, but I have it on my my links
for everyone to check out online.
All right. Well, that brings us to our final segment, which is ask Coach Kristen anything.
This can be asking for yourself, asking for a friend or again,
(54:50):
since we are both sexologists, something that maybe you'd like my opinion about or ask me.
You can ask me something personal. You can ask me about something that I do, too.
I've asked you a lot of personal questions today too and I'm an open book for
you and my listeners you're in the hot seat now yeah what is one of your peak sexual experiences,
(55:13):
and can you describe why it was so amazing so yes admittedly it was a very elevated
pleasure session. I was on acid.
I had a lover that knew what he was doing, and he just kept making me come over
(55:36):
and over and over again, especially with his mouth.
I swear to God, I left this plane of existence for a little while while I was
rolling on one of those oral pleasure sections of our time together.
But then he just is a very giving lover. It was a very connected experience,
despite us both tripping our balls off.
(55:58):
I lost count of how many orgasms I had. And hey, we're still friends to this day.
But I don't want to be in a room with him again when I trip past it because
I'm going to be like, hey, want to do that again?
I'm in an open marriage, so I'm sure my husband will be fine with it.
But not to say I haven't had mind-blowing experiences with my husband.
The thing is, I have so many.
(56:19):
He's the other 99 out of 100, I would say, whereas this one is like,
damn, I still think about that sometimes.
So, yeah, that was my, that's my story.
I remember a surprising amount of it considering I was on acid.
(56:39):
But, yeah, just, it was somebody who I'd had a previous experience with.
So we already sort of knew each other's bodies.
And just one of those guys who makes sure there's no gap in our orgasms.
He was always a she comes first kind
of guy uh they needed medals
(57:00):
there should be some way to like identify them
right i'm like
women i'm down with like a you know tattoo system where
we've got like i don't know can we scan a barcode and get
some info or scan a qr code about them i did
see actually a dating app out there
that women have to recommend the guy and then they like rate him oh but i mean
(57:27):
having a little trophy or a medal to be like hey like i mean men do that they
hang up like their fish and like deer like why would i wouldn't be like,
that's ted yeah i know i i know i want that honor i mean i i teach a cock worship class.
(57:47):
And actually it was yeah it was this
lover that i've had on my podcast and i
was like hey i've got a workshop coming up called cock worship and he
was like of all the people out there that should be teaching that it's
you thanks boo i have reviews
from past lovers they
(58:07):
wrote reviews and past participants
and their partners love it
like we need trophies and there was a dildo
a golden dildo yes there is like a sex sex writing kind of organization that
gives out golden cocks as awards for those who are like in the industry writing
(58:32):
about sex I want one of those right now.
Yeah, I want one of those. Let's get him. Yes. Some DP.
Hell yeah.
Savannah, this was such a great conversation today. I am so appreciative of your time.
I come from a place of abundance and I feel like there's so many people out
(58:56):
there to help that we need like dozens, hundreds more of us.
But I'm happy to have you here in town and to have you in my network.
And I would also love it if you'd take a moment and let the folks listening
know how can they find you?
(59:17):
The best way is through social media. You can follow me on Facebook or Instagram.
And I'm sure we can probably put those in the notes. Yes.
Yeah. I have a website. It's probably like six months behind every time.
Websites are not my jam. am on social media.
I will respond within 36 to 48 hours.
(59:40):
An inquiry, I'm posting pretty often on there.
You can get videos of me, my inner writing, my inner working,
my turn on, my celebrating my sexuality. It's right there.
Lovely. Lovely. Well, again, I'm so thankful for your time today and for this
(01:00:00):
conversation that we got to have about International Masturbation month or internationally,
however we want to call it, solo sex month, solo pleasure month.
But yeah, I know the listeners are going to love this one.
Yes. Thank you. I had fun. Me too. Me too. Anytime I talk about sex,
I'm there. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.
(01:00:21):
Well, I wish you all the best, all the success in the world.
And you go enjoy the rest of your evening. I'm sure I know what you'll be doing
tonight. Same. Get your playlist out.
I'll be doing it. Trust me.
I've got things on the charger in the other room.
All right. Take care. Hey. Thanks for listening to Keep Them Coming.
(01:00:44):
Please rate, subscribe, and share this podcast with your friends and lovers.
Check the show notes for information about stuff discussed in the episode.
You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, and Facebook.
But visit my website, OpenTheDoorsCoaching.com, If you want more information
about me, my column or my coaching services,
if you want less censored content about sex and relationships straight to your
(01:01:08):
inbox and to know what I'm up to, including upcoming workshops and events,
then please subscribe to the dirty bird email list.
Send me an email. Kristen at open the doors, coaching.com. If you have any questions,
you want to book a session, or if you have a suggestion.
Music.
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