August 17, 2025 • 47 mins
Are you surviving off dopamine? Through Instagram, TikTok, even dating apps? Alli and Melisa talk about how this addiction can impact other parts of your life.
Join us August 19, 2025 for a screening of the new film "Honey Don't" at AMC Madison Yards in Atlanta.
Click here to register for tickets!
Also, get your tickets now for our LIVE event in Seattle on October 18, 2025
Click here for tickets!
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/lesbian-chronicles-coming-out-later-in-life--5601514/support.
Join us August 19, 2025 for a screening of the new film "Honey Don't" at AMC Madison Yards in Atlanta.
Click here to register for tickets!
Also, get your tickets now for our LIVE event in Seattle on October 18, 2025
Click here for tickets!
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/lesbian-chronicles-coming-out-later-in-life--5601514/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
I'm Ali. I came out after twenty years of marriage
and I have three kids.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
I'm Melissa and I have two kids, and I came
out at thirty seven after an eleven year marriage.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
This podcast is about coming out later and the struggles
and victories that come with it.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
When coming out feels like the end of the world,
but it's really just the beginning.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
This is the Lesbian Chronicles. Welcome to the Lesbian Chronicles.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
Ali has sensitive yours, I have baby.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
Yeah, I'm not used to us both having headphones on,
and you got this thing rip rawin.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
In my ears. I don't understand because I feel like
mine's not that loud.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
Really, Yeah, maybe your headphones are better than mine.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
My hearing's gone. I don't know. We also switched headphone
Yeah did these headphones even work?
Speaker 1 (00:57):
I don't know. Do you which are more comfortable?
Speaker 2 (01:00):
I don't know. Those feel a little tight on my head,
like the ones that you're wearing. Yeah, those are a
tiny head I got those on Amazon. They're pretty cheap
on Amazon too, really pretty cheap. I don't remember what's cheap,
like thirty bucks.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
Okay, they were probably in that world.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Okay, Like I don't know I've been looking at headphones
for djang yep and they're really expensive, and so I
don't know. I went with the thirty dollars ones because
I don't really know how my DJ career is gonna go.
Not gonna lie.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
What's interesting about these headphones. I don't remember what I spent.
But somebody gave me a gift of headphones when we
originally started the pod, this is like years ago, and
they gave me really nice ones. Who was it and
it was a friend of mine, is like a gift
for doing the pod, And they asked Alissa, like behind
my back, Oh okay, what are the best headphones?
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Nice?
Speaker 1 (01:44):
And so I got these headphones and I remember thinking
like they were I couldn't even believe it, Like it
was like, these are awesome, they were better than my beats,
like they were so good for what we were doing.
And then eventually, just over time, they were out.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
One designed a fucking break dry me crazy. So then
I got these guys so wasteful. I know, it's very wasteful,
Like I uh again, I'm gonna talk about TikTok. There's
a guy on TikTok that I follow who's goes to Goodwill.
I know, he gets to good Will and he finds
stuff to revamp, like popcorn machines, both couches like change
(02:21):
like a gun cabinet into like a NERF gun cabinet,
does the craziest fucking projects. But the thing is like
people throw away everything, and like these are like west
Elm couches that he's like revamping, and people have just
dropped him off of good Will because they're white and
they don't want to clean them. But it's like, why
is every everything breaks? Everything's disposable, and everything's disposable and
(02:41):
it's just so fucking wasteful.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
It's because partly because it costs so much to go
through the trouble of like redoing it or to even
to think about this. The junk companies charge.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
You just to throw away throw away your stuff.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
That they're probably figuring out a way to resell.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
But like when I bought my washer and dryer that
I have currently, I made it a point did not
buy one that had one of those led panels on it,
because I'm like, those things get fucked up. They're really
like they're almost impossible to replace, like expensive mine has
like actual knobs.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Let me tell you something absolutely insane refrigerator that's out
in the garage. That refrigerator started not cooling as much.
So I had a guy come out and I was like,
is it worth it to repair this thing? Because when
I looked at the date on it, it was from
like two thousand and one. Is the fridge?
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Oh wow?
Speaker 1 (03:28):
Over twenty years old? And he said a thousand percent.
He said, this fridge will still be running if you
buy a new one. This one will still be running. Really,
and he fixed it and now it's back to what
it was. He's like, this thing will go forever if
you take care of it. And I thought, God, that's
so weird because it is like my parents growing up,
we had the same fridge in our garage, right my
(03:49):
whole life.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
Yeah, we had like a green fridge in our garage
and that's I think belonged to my grandparents.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
Yeah, you know, think about this too. It's from two
thou one, but it's also in my hot garage and
it's still running. It's working its ass off all the time.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
So he was like, do not buy it.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
It doesn't happen anymore.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
No, it doesn't.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
But god, we sound like I know, God, we do
sound like dinosaurs. It's kind of true, brawlless dinosaurs sas.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
I know, say more, say more. I do want credit,
you know.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
Uh, it is freeing and it is nice to not
have to deal with For those of.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
You who aren't listening, I made a plea for all
of us to just give up the fucking bras. We're
all going to get in this thing together. I've already
been here for a couple of years. Now, it's time
to stop wearing bras unless you have like a medical
reason or your boots are so big that it like
requires a hold up.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
Yeah, take the broth. Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
Who are you wearing it for?
Speaker 2 (04:47):
I exactly. And it's so much more comfortable. I don't
have to worry about it. And if I'm wearing a
shirt that I'm worried about, it's going to be like
a little too revealing or something like that where the
nipple covers got like the tape, the two sided tape
to tape down my.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
Like, why are we hiding your nipples but we're not
hiding my neighbor mowing his lawns?
Speaker 2 (05:04):
Mean, that is a great question.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
Somebody answered me that why why is he not hiding
his great nipples.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
I mean, I really don't give a shit, Like, but
I'm I'm doing it more because I can't tell you
how many times I've worn like a shirt that was
kind of revealing and I've got people over here being like, hey, dude,
I can see in your shirt. I'm why are you looking? Yeah,
friends were great, I'm sorry. The plan yeah, but we
did have some response from some people that have a
larger chest and they were like, I cannot go without bras.
(05:32):
So we feel you. I mean, that's something I have
shit to deal with. I don't even know how you
do it. Like I had the slightest situation with big
boobs when I was pregnant and nursing and it sucks.
Yeah yeah, yeah, So.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
I guess it's kind of like when you're pregnant too.
I mean, my boobs got big. They were never that big,
but they were big. But I think about too, like
at the end of my pregnancy, my stomach felt good
to be held up, like if I had something supportive.
My stomach was huge. So it's like, I wonder maybe
that in that case, like to have big boobs, maybe
it does feel good to be held up. But that's
a small number of people, like the rest of us
(06:08):
need to just take our braws off.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
Get rid of them, get rid of them. They're really
difficult to find good ones that are comfortable too. I
already said that before, like I don't know.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
There's no reason for it. Yeah, so I appreciate that
you've come to the dark so I have.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
I have. So if anyone accidentally sees my nipple, I'm sorry,
or you're really excited for them, or you know, give
me a dollar, give me.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
Give me a dollar. That's hilarious.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Well, I'm pretty stoked about this movie screening that we're
going to be hosting on Tuesday, August nineteenth.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Madison Yards in Atlanta. Yeah, ramp Park. Yes, we're hosting
the Honey Don't screening in Atlanta August nineteenth at seven pm.
Everybody should come out.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
I mean, we've got a good crowd already. I've had
so many people message me about, you know, getting tickets
and that sort of thing.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
So link and bio.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
You know, it's first come, first served. Doors open at six.
The movie starts promptly at seven, so don't be late.
Try to get there early to get your seats because
even if you register on the website that does not
secure your ticket.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
No, get there at six, get first of all, register online.
Get there at six because it'll be fun to hang
out for the hour before the movie starts, and then
you'll likely get a seat if you're there early, and
it's gonna be a great movie.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
Yeah, I know. I'm so excited about it. I know I've
been not just like Aubrey Plaza, but also Charlie Day
from It's Always Sunny. That dude is so fucking funny.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
Yep, so I'm pretty excited too. I'm stoked to and
I'm so flattered that they asked us to host it.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
I know that Aubrey just said, guys, we got to
get the lesbian chronicles. You'll see wild.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
I do think it's important to point out, like I
think like we always thought it was just like an
US thing that that people were gay. People were like
drawn to Aubrey, but it's clearly like even the pr
people know to have gay people promoted, obviously it's a thing.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
Well, and who's the other lead, Margaret quay quality I
don't know spelled the cue. I didn't realize until just
the other day that that's Andy mcdowells daughter.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
I had no idea, and Andy.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
McDowell has already always felt a little gay to me.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Everyone feels a little gay to me.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
And I read that Margaret is trying to find somebody
for her mom.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
Oh did you see the clip about Bill Murray?
Speaker 2 (08:26):
Yeah, I'm like, good, Andy, come on over here. I know, right,
waters are really nice. Right, you can choose, you can choose.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Yes, I always got a little bit of a gay
thing from her too, but I do tend.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
To do that. What movie is it that I'm thinking of?
There was one movie where it was just it felt
like such a gay vibe and I can't remember. Okay,
let's google.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
She's really she's got all the things, like she's cool girl, beautiful,
kind like I I as an actor, fantastic. I think
we just want her to be gay.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
But Aubrey, she was in Groundhog Day. Yep, Okay, so
she was in that movie with Bill.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
Yeah, Maury, they did not get along during.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
That, right, sex lies and videotape multiplicity. That's a I
always bring up that movie. Have you ever seen that?
Michael Gaton? Yeah, Like, if you make a copy of
a copy of a copy exactly, Saint Elmo's Fire. Yep,
bad girls, Michael. Yeah, she's been a lot of stuff.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
So her daughter is in honey Don't, the starring role
in honey Don't, But please come out Tuesday, August nineteenth,
Madison Yards in Atlanta. Get their early register for a
ticket and the link is in our bio. And then
I think we're picking a winner this weekend on who
wins a guaranteed seat, And I think, what do we have?
(09:52):
We have five pairs of tickets that are going to
be guaranteed, and the way that you get that is
to you tell.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
Them comment on our honey Don't post on our Instagram account,
on our Lesbian Chronicles podcast Instagram account and tag honey Don't,
and then also follow honey Don't on Instagram, and we
will be picking our.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
Winners yep, coming really soon.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
And then we have another exciting event coming up in
October in Seattle. I've never been to Seattle.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Stoked and actually we have a special guest that I
mentioned and she was like, oh my god, I love Seattle.
I cannot wait to go to Seattle.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
So it won't just be us there. We're gonna have
some other people there that'll be really fun. And exciting
for you guys to meet, and we're gonna provide the
opportunity for some social gatherings so you can meet other lesbians,
other queer women. We constantly hear from people like how
do I meet other people? This is it?
Speaker 1 (10:49):
This is also like I think about like when we
were first coming out, we would talk a lot about
just trying to like move the goal posts a little bit,
like keep not the goal, put moving the chains like
a little bit toward the goal all the time. This
to me is like one of those things by the
ticket and like be there, because it's like one step
in the right direction of where you're trying to get exactly,
(11:09):
even if it's just sitting in the crowd meeting a
couple of people and listening, it's still a step in
the right direction of what you're trying to do.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Absolutely, and that's just it. It's like, if you go
to this and you just connect with one person, it
doesn't matter if you live in Seattle or not. Yeah,
it doesn't, Okay, Like I have people that have supported
me in this journey that I've never met in real life.
I've only met them through social media and they're solid humans.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
So it's like even if you live in the middle
of nowhere, you could meet someone there. You form a connection, friendship,
and you've got someone in your court that understands what
you're going through resolutely, and it's going to be imperative
to get through it all exactly.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
And there's also going to be there's going to be
a pre event before the event, and then after the
event a party, so even more opportunities to socialize. And
again like even if you come alone, meet us. Yeah,
like if you're a listener, we would love to meet you.
And it's not going to be a huge event, so
it's kind of like this this intimate space to really
(12:12):
connect with people. Right hard stop. I'm excited, man, I'm
super excited. Like I'm nervous excited.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
Yeah, We've got some big stuff happening.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
We do know.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
I'm like I'm single right now, but i am, like,
I've got plenty to do. I've got that I'm gonna
Shakey Eas Festival in September. Then we've got Atlanta Pride
in October. Following week is Seattle. Yeah, like we've got
a solid little lineup happening.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
We do have a solid lineup happening so I'm super
excited too.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
It's awesome.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Well, let's get into our topic.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
So this morning you sent me a little tidbit from
a podcast that you were listening to. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
So, I'm a big fan of a podcast called the
All In Podcast, and it's all dudes, it's guys. I'm
so sorry, but it's so sorry. But the thing is
is that and I don't want anyone to listen to
the and be like, oh my god, she's a Republican,
because I'm not, but I'm likely somewhere in the middle
leaning left. But the pod is balanced, Like there's a
(13:09):
few people on it that are well known Republicans, so
you're going to be like, what the hell Ali, But
there's also another side to it of guys that aren't
so but the pod they all bring just.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
And you listen to this more of like from a
tech standpoint, right tack in business and business.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
But they go into everything politics. There's a science corner
and there'll be something so fascinating about something happening right
now in science, plastics. I mean, it's like things that
are just grab my attention every episode. I mean enough
so that like I'll stop it and rewind it and
listen again because I'm like, wait, what, Yeah, And it's
all research based. All these guys have companies in the space,
(13:48):
so they're living it every day. But it's a podcast.
I love the All In Pod, and this was this
week's Ready.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (13:56):
I don't really have much thoughts on this AI psychosis
issue per se, but I do think that it's part
of a bigger trend. Meaning these things aren't created overnight
and out of nowhere. I think we've known for a
while that what a Scott Galloway calls it the loneliness
epidemic Z, which I tend to agree with. I mean,
(14:17):
I think that there is a profound shift in how
young people connect with each other and with the world
at large, and I think that they are becoming more isolated.
And I think the dangerous part of AI is that
it can replace whatever flimsy connection that people have left
(14:40):
to their real world community. So if you think about
how much influence is shaped and generated in places like
Instagram by real people, and then go to the limit
of the very useful AI that replaces those people with
fake people and fake pictures you can't discern. But they're
(15:01):
willing to be responsive to you and engage with you
and talk with you. On the one hand, it's incredibly interesting.
On the other hand, that person is ultimately not Realeah.
And so I think whatever it is that people are
going through right now, and you can see it in
all kinds of data, right. You see it in marriage rates,
you see it in household formation rates, you see it
(15:23):
in child bearing rates. Something is broken. It has been
for a while in society. I think all these tools
have exacerbated it. And I think this is just yet
another step in the direction Freeberg.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
What's your take here?
Speaker 3 (15:35):
And sorry, I apologize. I'll say one more thing. I
was talking to somebody about this and he mentioned it.
He framed it this way, and I thought it was
really interesting. If you look at online services, their primary
mechanism of action is via dopamine, and they're trying to
find mechanisms to trigger the release of dopamine, and that's
what gives you that stimulative sensation.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
Right.
Speaker 3 (15:55):
But if you think about real world relationships, having a wife,
having a long term girlfriend, those are fundamentally about serotonin,
not dopamine. The dopamine wears off very quickly, and what
are you left with? Your left with establishing a long
term structural relationship with somebody and the ups and downs
of that, and it's not always peachy keen. That's the
same thing with friends, and so I think the other
(16:18):
thing that's really interesting to note is that we are
sort of all in on dopamine dopamine, dopamine, and young people,
particularly the ones that are the most susceptible, is I'm
going to guess, have not had enough structural interactions in
the kinds of relationships that actually create these long term
serotonin like behaviors so that you can actually balance this
(16:38):
stuff out. And so I suspect that this thing is
going to catch on like wildfire, in part because it's
taking advantage of a trend. I think, yeah, it's like
it's a quick hit as opposed to the long term
gain of deep friendship.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Okay, I never thought the day would come or I
would be citing the all in pod on my pod right,
two opposite ends of this back absolutely wow. But anyway, Okay,
let me when you heard that for the first time, like,
tell me what you were thinking.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
I mean, I think it is interesting about how we're
addicted to dopamine. Now one hundred percent, I know, I
am right. I know my kids are right, And it's
one of those things that like we didn't grow up
this way, No, we've learned it over time. And it's
like form this addiction to the phone, to the dopamine hit,
(17:27):
all the things. And I think it's also like impacting
our ability to human yeah, and interact and ask questions
and care about other people too.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
Right, And when he says, like, all these things that
we interact with, whether it's online services, dating apps, marketing,
please to get your attention, they're all Instagram, social media,
they're all dopamine. They're all optimized for a dopamine hit
to get you joyful quick. So it's like, if that's
what the optimization is and that's your whole day, how
(17:59):
are you ever going to sit through what really used
to be the thing, which is serotonin of like a
long term family of Like I'm in this. It's not
always fun. I'm not getting hit all the time with
dopamine and excitement, but I'm here because the structure feels
good to me. It's safe, it's mood stabilizing over the
(18:19):
long term versus today, I don't feel good, so quick hit, quick, hit,
quick hit that my mom never had an option to
even have. She had to fix it with my dad
in a quiet, lovely way to get that serotonin back.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
Yeah. Well, and I think on top of that, with
having the Internet and having dating apps and having social media,
we have access to endless amounts of people, right, and
because of that, it makes us feel like, is the
person in front of us? What can I find better? Right?
You know, you're looking for the next dopamine hit of
that next person. And I think that's well, I don't.
(18:56):
It's proven that's what the dating apps want out of ight,
for you to be continuing to use it, Like they
don't want you to find a partner. If you find
a partner, they lose business totally. So it's like, you know,
for you to be continuing to want to be bigger, better,
(19:16):
all these things. And I mentioned this in our YouTube
short that we just recorded of watching this video on
TikTok about this woman who pitches herself to this group
of men, young men like twenties. She's cute, her name's Riley,
she's bubbly, and she's talking about how she's scuba certified,
and you know it has all these hobbies. I mean,
(19:37):
scuba certification that's really ballsy and hard. You know, not
one of these guys wanted to date her. They all
just kind of like looked around, and it's like in
their brains they think that they deserve the blonde supermodel
that they've seen on that they follow on Instagram, that
they're seeing on porn hubs, all those things, and you know,
(19:59):
maybe even the AI bought profile that's mixed in on
the dating app yea that they're hoping that you know,
she swipes back and they match, and it creates this
persona of this perfection that you're looking for, and it's
making you miss what's right in front of your face
in real fucking life.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Yeah, it's so true. And it's one of the other
things they said is that prolonged overstimulation can also lead
to a chronic dopamine deficit state, which makes it harder
to experience pleasure from other activities. You can't even be
happy anymore. You can't even be happy anymore because in
order to be you aren't such a deficit that you
have to have that in order to feel joy, because
(20:41):
your body needs this now. Yeah, and so it's like God,
that alone and that Stanford did that study, this isn't
just someone saying this. This is a fact.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
I mean, how often do you sit down to watch
a TV show or watch a movie and within ten
minutes your neverphone.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
It's sick. Like, I think we have to be aware,
but I think I think it's also changing the dynamic
of relationships because it's making the I mean the dating apps.
You know, I've always kind of felt like I don't
want to do it, I mean I and part of
it is like that it's to me. I could feel
that that would be unhealthy for me.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
And yeah, like I haven't used them in a long time,
but I have a friend that just tried it recently
and within twenty four hours she was like, I hate this.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
Yeah, yeah, like yeah, you know, most is.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
Too high in the conversations that you're having, there's no
depth to them. How are you going to be deep
with someone you just matched with and you chose on
the basis of some photos that you saw and again
you're getting hit by dopamine over and you're clicking hit dopamine, dopamine, dopamine.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
It's like, how do you start to then develop the
long term thing and then when you extrapolate that over
the next twenty years, to me, it's like the dream
is still you build wealth together, you buy a house together,
you do all these things together that make it so
that when you're retired and older, you have something together.
It's so much easier with two people. And it's but
(22:00):
just more and more, I think that the whole thing
is breaking down because it's just we can't find joy
in each other. In each other. Yeah, it's you need
the next thing, and I not everybody. And of course
the dating apps work. We know people meet people all
the time, but I don't know that they're built to work.
You made that point on the YouTube video.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Yeah, they're not designed to again, they want customers, they
want to churn. Yeah. Yeah, So I know that it
is one of the few options that some people have.
When you live in the middle of nowhere, you're far
away from the city. Even me, I'm out, I'm forty
minutes away. I can't come up here every day and
try to socialize, right, you know. And on top of that, though,
(22:41):
it's like the fact that I live outside of a
major city makes it I think a little harder for
me to find a partner.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
Now, what if you were aware, what if you said, okay,
I'm going to do the dating apps. I personally, I
think it's probably not good for your You're going to
end up in that dopamine deficit because you're doing TikTok,
Instagram and now dating apps. It's too much. But let's
just say you're gonna do it. Could you go into
that with an awareness of I'm not fucking around with
like this. For me, I'm gonna treat it like a job,
(23:09):
and I'm gonna take what's good and forget what's bad.
If somebody does something alarming, yeah, I'm not.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
Well that's a great point because if you took me
seven years ago, like, I'm light years different than what
I was then. I didn't know what my type was,
I didn't know what red flags were, I didn't know
what I was even looking for. Right now, I feel
like I have a much curated, more curated version of
(23:39):
the person that I think I would pair well with.
That I'm not gonna be, you know, just kind of
swiping on whoever, you know. I would be thinking more
concretely of okay, does this person match not just from
a two D picture standpoint of what I see myself with,
but like value, like long term goals, long term commitment, right,
(24:04):
you know that those are the things that I'm looking
more at versus years ago. It was just surface level.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
I think too. Like one thing, I had a friend
that was like sort of like making excuses for somebody's
pat like, well, she acts this way because her childhood
was this, this and this, and I'm like that it
might have even been you and I and I kind
of was like, yeah, but like at some point we
all had this thing in our childhood. And I'm mine
as abandonment. Mine is my mom was an alcoholic. I
(24:34):
had abandonment. I still do. I'm going to deal with
this the rest of my life. But I'm very, very
aware of it. I see it show up, I talk
about it, I say it when I start to feel
that way. But it's like, at some point too, I
think everybody has to just acknowledge I don't. I can't
be responsible for what happened in your childhood in that.
It's not my responsibility to now say I have to
(24:56):
make it work with you. You're a hot mess, but
I've got to make it work with you because you
had a bad childhood. Yeah, Because I can tell you
everybody has something from their childhood that sucked. And I
don't I can't now be on me. Yeah, and I
don't want that. I'm grown. I want somebody who's also
got their thing, they're emotionally healthy or at least they're
working on it. Not that, Oh she's allowed to behave
(25:17):
this way because her dad left. Yeah, whatever the thing is?
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Well, right, it's like, you know, to give someone permission
to act a certain way because they haven't done the
work on themselves, Like why is that your responsibility? It's not,
and like that's that's another thing. Years ago, I couldn't
have named those things from my past that were triggering
for me. Right now I can name them now, I
(25:43):
feel and I'm still learning this. I'm still learning what
is coming.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
Up for me too.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
And that makes it difficult in a dating situation because
sometimes you are really triggered and you don't know why.
Yeah you know, and sometimes it takes taking a step back,
taking time, a process, taking Oh.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
Am I scared of?
Speaker 2 (26:02):
Yeah? What am I scared of? Right now? What am
I mad about? Right right now? Am I mad at
this person because I feel like they're not showing up
for me? Or am I mad because this person ten
years ago didn't show up.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
For Yeah, that's a great question.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
And I think again, it's like we're all just a
bunch of little fucking kids out here in the world
wandering around acting like grown up with our wounds, with
our wounds. Yeah, like this is probably I don't think
you ever watched the show rug Rats right on, nicolect,
I never watched it. There's an episode where they're like
envisioning what it's like to be grown ups, and they
all have their little baby heads and faces, but they're
(26:36):
dressed in suits, like oversize, that's how we all are.
We're just little babies, little Rugrats, trying to figure it out,
trying to figure it out. But so many people can't
recognize that.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
No, and they think, Like I've heard friends say like, well,
I didn't say anything to her because she her dad
like left when she was little, or like they'll have
some long thing, and I'm like, it's some point, it's
not my problem. Like you can't behave this way period,
hard stop. And I know, like watching a Tatum date,
(27:08):
like one of the things she said is she met
some guy on the app. They were texting, and then
he acted like he had the date wrong of when
they were meeting and she's like, dud, like you can
scroll back and see when we said and then so
she basically kind of was like, I'm kind of done here,
like he's sort of lied to me in my mind,
And of course later he was like no, like I
(27:31):
really did. And to her, she's like, too late, Like
if it was super important to you, you would have
been there, and I have other options, like you're too
new on the scene, there's no body of work for
me to draw, and that you're so great that it's
worth excusing this thing. So to her, he's written off. Yeah,
there is no more chance for him. And I sort
of appreciated that because I thought, this kid's not wasting
(27:53):
time on Saturday night with somebody who sucks. Maybe I mean,
maybe he really did screw it up, But to me,
it's like if I have a date with someone I'm
excited about and I'm I'm not messing up the time
or the day, right, I'm there on time, I'm ready,
I'm prepped, Like I feel like that's that's a fair expectation. Absolutely,
if you come rolling in twenty minutes later you tell
(28:15):
me you didn't remember tonight's the night, yeah, this or
canceling last minute you're done, We're done here.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
No, I don't have time for this. Yeah, I'm way
too busy for you to be. We've made plans like
or if if that, if you are that person has
to cancel, follow up, and make new plans, make great plans. Yeah,
take charge, make it better than right, make it better. Yeah,
And so many people can't do that. They just can't
(28:43):
fucking do it. On top of that, I really do
think that so many people on the apps, I would
say the vast majority, let's say seventy percent of those
people on the apps are not even ready to be
in a relationship. No, they're still a hit. They're looking
for the hit and maybe their relationship just and they
need to feel better about themselves, so they're getting on
the apps. And it is really gross to me. You know,
(29:07):
you really think about it, it's it is. But then
it's like, how do you know who these people are?
Speaker 1 (29:11):
Yeah? I think the minute if you start having a
conversation and it, there will be little there'll be signs. Yeah,
you know, it's I know if my ex sucks. Yeah,
Like anytime somebody starts trashing the ax, I'm always like
I got to hear from this just.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
Gotta have a relationship. And she's she's supposed to come
get her stuff next week. I don't know. And then
she comes and gets her stuff, and then it's like, well,
her bike's still here.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
It's a wake up, wake up.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
It's like God, like, I'll be like, you know what,
call me after the bike is long gone and you
have gone through a few months of therapy. Yeah, and
completely separated from this person. So true, like stop trying
to start something before the other thing is over.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
I know, but I think people can't sit in It
can't because partly because of the dope.
Speaker 2 (29:59):
Me absolutely, And when you live at a deficit, how
do you do it? M m?
Speaker 1 (30:04):
I mean, how do you do it well?
Speaker 2 (30:05):
And it's also, you know, the the avoidant relationships that
happen where the anxious and avoidant, like that anxious person
is thriving off of that fucking dopamine that comes when
that avoidant has disappeared for a few days and they reappear,
save you a text, and you're.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Like, oh my god, they're back again.
Speaker 2 (30:22):
Yeah, I still got them in my life. And you
get addicted to that, you get addicted to hearing them,
I know, hearing from them.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
It's like until you start to see it as an eck,
like you're you're you're you know, have work to do.
Speaker 2 (30:35):
Yeah, I guess is what I would say.
Speaker 1 (30:37):
And I know I've been on both sides, Like I
don't when I think back to like my Catalyst days,
it's like there were so many red flags that I overlooked,
maybe because I was so excited about being out. I
was so excited about being with a woman, Like there
were so many reasons. Yeah, but it's just like I now,
I just said this to Christine today. What I admire
(30:58):
and like I'm drawn to are really healthy grown ups,
Like I find myself like it's so attractive to me. Yeah,
Like if you are this like healthy grown up in
the world who's not picking up a bike from your ex,
like that is a turnoff.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
Yeah, that is an ick.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
It doesn't draw me in. It repulses me. And it's
like it's taken me how many years have we been
at this like to get to a place of like
grown up women are hot to me.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:27):
It really doesn't even have that much to do with looks.
It's more just how do you move through the world
as an adult grown up?
Speaker 2 (31:34):
Yeah, and that means like not just from like a
standpoint of you know, how you take care of yourself,
owning a home, financially responsible, that kind of thing. It's
an emotional maturity.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
Emotional way more than the other things.
Speaker 2 (31:46):
I don't even need. I don't.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
It's not even the financial it's more just like, how
do you take care of you? Like to you self abandoned?
Speaker 2 (31:54):
Do you?
Speaker 1 (31:55):
Are you like you said picking up the bike from
the X? Like what a turnoff? Or are you like
a great mom? Are you you know, at your job?
Like when I see people blow off their jobs, it's
like kind of a red flag to me, like are
you somebody's paying you to do that?
Speaker 2 (32:10):
And you're like you're still in bed, You're still.
Speaker 1 (32:13):
In bed, Like I don't love that. Like to me,
that's a turnoff, But that wouldn't be a turn off
to everyone. It's just I'm finding the more I grow
into who I'm going to be, the more attractive it
is to see people that.
Speaker 2 (32:24):
Are like you, who they surround themselves with.
Speaker 1 (32:27):
You are the five people you spend time with period
hard stop.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
Yeah yeah, Like if your friends are immature.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
Emotionally, yeah, yeah, you're gonna you're doing the.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
Same like that, So you're going to for your advice.
Speaker 1 (32:40):
Yeah, that's a whole other thing too. I think I've
thought a lot about that lately. It's like, who do
you get your like advice from? It is interesting how
some people do go to people that I'm like, they're
kind of like that, Like, I don't know, I could
think of a.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
Lot of that's exactly. So, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
Yeah, I think. I mean in our group, we have
a lot of really great women who have great have
been through things, and different perspective, ferent perspectives for sure.
Speaker 2 (33:08):
I think that's just it. It's like I know that
if I go to you, if I go to Mandy
Jamie's like, I'm getting different perspectives on the whole thing.
It's true. But I love that. Yeah, yeah, and they're
all good and smart perspectives, right, And I also know
that those people are rooting for me.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
That's the other thing. Who is rooting for you? You know? Genuinely,
I think it's really important. Like I said to someone
the other day, like I in talking about there was
this couple that broke up in our group, and I'm like,
I I really I knew one really well. The other
one I don't know as well. I never take sides,
but I'm like, I really only have one. I don't
really care what happened, Like it's none of my business.
(33:50):
I just have my friend and I'm just like here
to listen, right and be there. That is my only role.
Speaker 2 (33:55):
Yeah, Like, no one's being villainfied. Yeah you're villainized villain.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
Either.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
Words are hard. Yeah uh but yeah, I mean I
think that's just it. Like it you've got people that
are rooting for you, and when there is a little
breakup in the friend group, it's like, okay, it can
be handled maturely, right, And I love that.
Speaker 1 (34:17):
I do too.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
I think it says a lot about the people involved, right,
Like I don't want to be out here like, oh yeah,
I don't like you because you guys didn't work out. Yeah, things,
it's a it's throwing darts of the wall right now.
You know, you don't know what's going to stick true.
Speaker 1 (34:33):
And so yeah, I think overall, like I think it's
the dopamine and the serotonin. I think if you're just
even aware that that's a thing, and if you know
you're looking for a hit, I'm guilty of it. I'll
get on Instagram and I'll I'll plan to read in bed,
and then I'll check my phone for a text, and
then before you know it, I've you know, thirty minutes
(34:55):
have blown by. Yeah, and I'm pissed at myself. I'm like,
why did I just do that? Right?
Speaker 2 (35:00):
It is such a it is a waste of time,
Like it drives me crazy and I wish I don't know.
It's one of those things that I want to work
on personally. Me too, because it's changing how I consume media. Yeah,
you know, I can't sit down and watch a TV
show because it's like, well, this isn't happening fast enough,
Like it's not like a TikTok situation, like I want
(35:22):
those quick dopamine hits and yeah, how is it dripping
over into the other parts of my life? It doesn't
allow me just to sit and be happy.
Speaker 1 (35:31):
Especially you and I because we have a touch of LADYHD.
I don't I do at least, Yeah, And so I
can't give into it, like I have to be vigilant.
Speaker 2 (35:40):
You know. It's interesting, like not drinking because it it
is wild to me. How much more productive?
Speaker 1 (35:48):
Oh yeah, okay, let me ask you this, are we
more or less annoying than you thought. Like when you're
out in our group, are you like, oh wow.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
Oh well, you know, gosh, that was interesting last weekend
being out and like it was.
Speaker 1 (36:00):
My birthday, was drinking.
Speaker 2 (36:02):
None of you guys were bothering me, okay at all.
Everybody was fine, But what was bothering me was the
two drunk asses that I'm not even sure were old
enough to be drinking in that bar.
Speaker 1 (36:12):
I don't even remember them that.
Speaker 2 (36:14):
Really, Yeah, oh my god, and see this is just it.
I walked out of there and I'm like, god, I
felt like I was just at the bar with the
lights on, Like there was these two girls. They were wasted, sparusly.
You don't remember this, No one of them. I wasn't
drinking that much. One of them was singing and like
running around the room with the mic. I was gone,
and like the guy that was hosting karaoke stopped her
(36:37):
and was like, you need to calm down because she's
like running into people. I watched these two knockover beers
multiple times. Yeah, they one of them ran into me
at least four times, like hard.
Speaker 1 (36:49):
I had to be gone.
Speaker 2 (36:51):
No, you were there and it was like I was
sitting there like how are they still serving them? But
like it was wild to me, So that was yeah,
but I don't I think I would have noticed that
even if I was drinking, okay, like they were that outrageous,
but it did. It was interesting being sober and being like, well,
you know what, I'm tired. I think I'm gonna go home.
Speaker 1 (37:13):
I know it's the best.
Speaker 2 (37:14):
Like if I was drinking, I would have been like,
I think I'll have another beer.
Speaker 1 (37:17):
No, I ten thirty.
Speaker 2 (37:19):
Yeah, so but I am more productive, like it doesn't
crush the rest of your weekend. I went last week.
I told you guys, I bought a pressure washer, pressure
wash my patio. Now I've painted the patio dag Like
I am just like running around my house doing all
sorts of different projects and which is also.
Speaker 1 (37:38):
Like so gratifying. Again back to the grown adult women. Yeah,
it's like sometimes I think about like this house and
how much I take care of this house, Like I
am o the grass every weekend. Yeah, I spray the weeds,
I edge like I these are things I would have
never done. And there's like I love it, like I'm grown.
Speaker 2 (37:58):
I think of yourself a few years ago like there's
no way outing the law, no way. So it's like that,
It's like that's one of the many gifts I think
in this and coming out And as much as it
sucks to get divorced and be alone and all the
heartbreak we've both been through, it's like we've created like
an independence in ourselves. Yeah that we would never have
(38:22):
had it's we'd stayed married.
Speaker 1 (38:24):
Yeah. So and I enjoy it, Like there's a pride
that comes with like I don't know, even making dinner
for the kids. Like I just I like being this
version of me.
Speaker 2 (38:34):
Yeah, absolutely, Like you've you've learned how to do so
many more things that you wouldn't do. Yeah. Like I
can't tell you how many times I started on a
project and my ADHD got in the way and I
was like, Tom, can you finish this?
Speaker 1 (38:47):
But the pressure washing, dude, that's big.
Speaker 2 (38:50):
Well okay, I got like the baby pressure washer. Okay,
it's electric, Well it does yeah, Okay, I've only done
it on my patio and like a little bit sprayed
off my house because I'm also a little scared of it. Yeah,
Like I don't know quite how power pain off. Yeah,
And I think I did take some of the paint
off the brick. It'll be all right, but it's fine. Yeah,
but yeah, I mean it is a very satisfying little tool.
(39:12):
And it was only ninety dollars.
Speaker 1 (39:15):
Okay, so good for you. Yeah, yeah, that's all. I
might be borrowing it.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
Yeah, absolutely totally. You're like, when I mean borrowing it,
you're gonna spray or pressure wash my driveway?
Speaker 1 (39:26):
Yeah? When I exactly, when can you bring it over
and actually do it.
Speaker 2 (39:30):
I'm a little disappointed because it says not to put
bleach in it, and I was like, damn, I was
really hoping to like really go for it with this
whole thing.
Speaker 1 (39:36):
Do they have another product they sell that like goes?
Speaker 2 (39:39):
I don't know. But I'd also learned my lesson with
this stuff. It's like called concrete etch. It's like meant
for cleaning concrete. Okay, it's taken off some shit, that's
for sure, in a good way, in a good way,
but you need to use it very evenly, and I
did not. That's one reason why I painted the patio
because I was I had these blotches from this concrete
ass whatever it was, I were it on there. Dude,
(40:02):
you learn, Oh my god, yeah.
Speaker 1 (40:04):
And I'm embarrassed to tell you. Okay, this is really bad.
This is me learning. So I'm sure I've already told you.
But my front yard had some dead pat It's a
brand new turf in the front not it's sowed. Okay,
So they saw the yard. I move in and then
there's a few dead patches. So the guy told me
who true green told me. He's like, you just need
(40:25):
to scrape it up and put down grass seed and
then put sand on top of it. And he's like,
in those areas will start to just fill in on
their own. There was just a couple of spots. It
was bothering me. So I went to get the sand,
and I guess I bought the wrong kind of sand.
I bought the kind of sand that gets wet and
turns into concrete.
Speaker 2 (40:42):
Oh no, So.
Speaker 1 (40:43):
I concreted like seven spots in my yard that turned
into concrete. And I was like kind of flipping out,
and I'm like, motherfucker, Like I was trying to like
fix the spots. Now I've made it horrific, way worse.
So I had to break up these little spots of concrete,
pack it all up in bags, get rid of it.
(41:04):
Then Rea till the spots reput grass seed down. But
now it's like looks good, okay, and I'm kind of like.
Speaker 2 (41:12):
Fixed it, fixed it. But dude, I can't tell you
how many times I start to do like some kind
of project at my house and it's like something's going wrong.
Speaker 1 (41:20):
Yeah, something always goes wrong. But don't you think you
have to have it go wrong and then now you
have data for when you do it again. Yeah, then
you're gonna have a repertoire of all these things that
you know how to do.
Speaker 2 (41:30):
That's very true.
Speaker 1 (41:31):
Yeah, the grass thing was a learning curve.
Speaker 2 (41:33):
Like even with using the pressure washer. At first, I
was like I don't know how to get the little
nozzles on. Yeah, Like I bought it, and then I
think I went to dinner or no. I saw Tom
and he was like, yeah, it is weird. You gotta
like push it in and turn it and all this stuff.
And he's the one that explained to me, like how
to get the nozzles on, yeah, because otherwise I was
like about to look up YouTube videos to try how
(41:54):
to do myself, how to do it right. YouTube is
fucking fantastic for that kind of stuff. You could learn anything.
Speaker 1 (42:00):
Let me tell you something. I just heard this thing
about how the IVY League is not worth it anymore
because you can basically get the entire IVY education online.
Speaker 2 (42:11):
A bunch of stuff Harvard does have like free classes
and stuff, right, is that what you mean?
Speaker 1 (42:15):
Or just like like in general, like do you want
to learn everything about quantum physics?
Speaker 2 (42:19):
You can like do you.
Speaker 1 (42:21):
Want to learn everything about and name a topic? So
and they were saying, like, job like people nowadays instead
of hiring out of like Harvard, they don't. They don't anymore.
Like now they basically put up a job a skill
set and then let people show their skill set, and
whoever has it the best gets the job. And oftentimes
it's not the kid but the fancy education. And meanwhile,
(42:43):
like I'm paying for college.
Speaker 2 (42:47):
You can get this a long time about like paying
for that IVY League education because I've worked alongside people
who went to NYU and we got the the Ivy's. Okay,
it's not, but even so I have worked alongside people
that I'm like, yeah, my education was far cheaper.
Speaker 1 (43:10):
NYU is not the Ivy's. But Owen is in an
IVY M and he's he he's very smart though, Like
I think he will get out of it a lot
because he's way into it. Yeah, but I do think
a lot of his stuff.
Speaker 2 (43:24):
I mean, I think there's a lot of benefits to both,
you know. But I also think that there's a strong
benefit to go into a community college for two years
than transferring to some other big.
Speaker 1 (43:36):
Name or donate the transfer school or don't transfer to
get your skill set, you know, somewhere else. I mean, look,
an electrician makes more money than a doctor.
Speaker 2 (43:44):
I mean, so I have learned such like exponentially, like
mind blowing more than I learned in those four years
of college. Those feigners of college were.
Speaker 1 (43:56):
I'm not even doing my my degree anymore. Yeah, that's right,
I don't even have I I went to.
Speaker 2 (44:02):
School with a lot of people who didn't never use degree.
Speaker 1 (44:05):
Right, So so it's kind of like, I don't know,
it's a little scary.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
It is scary.
Speaker 1 (44:10):
Yeah, I don't know what to think. But my kids
are in it. My daughter at NYU loves to joke
she's like, you know, I mean, I really just want
to do what my ancestors have done for thousands of
years for free. Like she has no concept like, while
we're paying the tuition, I'm like, do not say that today?
Speaker 2 (44:29):
Would you like to start paying the bill for this?
Maybe you'll change your mind about that.
Speaker 1 (44:33):
I just want to farm like my ancestors Oki. Yeah,
oh she really does. She'll be so happy.
Speaker 2 (44:39):
I mean, you want to live with sheep, so I
want to.
Speaker 1 (44:42):
I do want to. Like this is getting stronger in me,
Like I'm starting to really get to a place, and
I'm a city girl. I always wanted the city apartment.
Speaker 2 (44:49):
That is interesting because you do like living in the city.
Let me tell you something.
Speaker 1 (44:53):
I am having a farming overhaul.
Speaker 2 (44:57):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (44:57):
I want to plant things I want to have, and
I want to see my dog run her ass off.
Speaker 2 (45:02):
I don't know what is happening.
Speaker 1 (45:05):
I don't know if it's hitting fifty. I don't know
if it's just like I even looked back at my
vision board from last year. It looks just like what
I still want. I want a creek or a river,
maybe some mountains and a farm.
Speaker 2 (45:17):
Oh my gosh. Bracken was so concerned about flooding recently,
and he was like, is there a creek near our house? Oh?
Because when many noticed like the drainage pond thing that's
like in the neighborhood, and he's like, what about that
weekend time out?
Speaker 1 (45:33):
Is he worried because of what happened in Texas?
Speaker 2 (45:35):
Yeah, basically like worrying that flooding is going to happen
to where it overtakes our house. And I'm like, I
cannot foresee that happening.
Speaker 1 (45:43):
No, So I mean they probably couldn't either. I mean, true,
it's fucking terrible.
Speaker 2 (45:48):
It is, man, it's terrifying.
Speaker 1 (45:50):
It's terrifying. So that geez exactly. Okay, so come out, honey,
don't Tuesday night, August nineteenth, seven pm, Madison Yards. Get
there early because it's first come, first first first serve.
Speaker 2 (46:04):
And yeah, to clarify, you can register on the website
for a ticket. That does not guarantee your ticket. You
still have to show up and it is a first come,
first serve based on those who have registered.
Speaker 1 (46:16):
Yes, and we have a link in our bio on
Instagram if you want to register for a ticket.
Speaker 2 (46:22):
If you didn't win one, see you guys on Tuesday.
Speaker 1 (46:24):
See you Tuesday.
Speaker 2 (46:29):
I want to support the Lesbian Chronicles podcast, Rate us
and write a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify we'd.
Speaker 1 (46:35):
Love listener feedback. If you'd like to share your story,
email us at Melissa and Ali at gmail dot com.
That's Melissa M. E.
Speaker 2 (46:44):
L I.
Speaker 1 (46:45):
S A and Ali A L l I at gmail
dot com. Or follow us on Instagram at Lesbian Chronicles
I'm Ali. I came out after twenty years of marriage
and I have three kids.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
I'm Melissa and I have two kids, and I came
out at thirty seven after an eleven year marriage.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
This podcast is about coming out later and the struggles
and victories that come with it.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
When coming out feels like the end of the world,
but it's really just the beginning.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
This is the Lesbian Chronicles. Welcome to the Lesbian Chronicles.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
Ali has sensitive yours, I have baby.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
Yeah, I'm not used to us both having headphones on,
and you got this thing rip rawin.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
In my ears. I don't understand because I feel like
mine's not that loud.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
Really, Yeah, maybe your headphones are better than mine.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
My hearing's gone. I don't know. We also switched headphone
Yeah did these headphones even work?
Speaker 1 (00:57):
I don't know. Do you which are more comfortable?
Speaker 2 (01:00):
I don't know. Those feel a little tight on my head,
like the ones that you're wearing. Yeah, those are a
tiny head I got those on Amazon. They're pretty cheap
on Amazon too, really pretty cheap. I don't remember what's cheap,
like thirty bucks.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
Okay, they were probably in that world.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Okay, Like I don't know I've been looking at headphones
for djang yep and they're really expensive, and so I
don't know. I went with the thirty dollars ones because
I don't really know how my DJ career is gonna go.
Not gonna lie.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
What's interesting about these headphones. I don't remember what I spent.
But somebody gave me a gift of headphones when we
originally started the pod, this is like years ago, and
they gave me really nice ones. Who was it and
it was a friend of mine, is like a gift
for doing the pod, And they asked Alissa, like behind
my back, Oh okay, what are the best headphones?
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Nice?
Speaker 1 (01:44):
And so I got these headphones and I remember thinking
like they were I couldn't even believe it, Like it
was like, these are awesome, they were better than my beats,
like they were so good for what we were doing.
And then eventually, just over time, they were out.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
One designed a fucking break dry me crazy. So then
I got these guys so wasteful. I know, it's very wasteful,
Like I uh again, I'm gonna talk about TikTok. There's
a guy on TikTok that I follow who's goes to Goodwill.
I know, he gets to good Will and he finds
stuff to revamp, like popcorn machines, both couches like change
(02:21):
like a gun cabinet into like a NERF gun cabinet,
does the craziest fucking projects. But the thing is like
people throw away everything, and like these are like west
Elm couches that he's like revamping, and people have just
dropped him off of good Will because they're white and
they don't want to clean them. But it's like, why
is every everything breaks? Everything's disposable, and everything's disposable and
(02:41):
it's just so fucking wasteful.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
It's because partly because it costs so much to go
through the trouble of like redoing it or to even
to think about this. The junk companies charge.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
You just to throw away throw away your stuff.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
That they're probably figuring out a way to resell.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
But like when I bought my washer and dryer that
I have currently, I made it a point did not
buy one that had one of those led panels on it,
because I'm like, those things get fucked up. They're really
like they're almost impossible to replace, like expensive mine has
like actual knobs.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Let me tell you something absolutely insane refrigerator that's out
in the garage. That refrigerator started not cooling as much.
So I had a guy come out and I was like,
is it worth it to repair this thing? Because when
I looked at the date on it, it was from
like two thousand and one. Is the fridge?
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Oh wow?
Speaker 1 (03:28):
Over twenty years old? And he said a thousand percent.
He said, this fridge will still be running if you
buy a new one. This one will still be running. Really,
and he fixed it and now it's back to what
it was. He's like, this thing will go forever if
you take care of it. And I thought, God, that's
so weird because it is like my parents growing up,
we had the same fridge in our garage, right my
(03:49):
whole life.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
Yeah, we had like a green fridge in our garage
and that's I think belonged to my grandparents.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
Yeah, you know, think about this too. It's from two
thou one, but it's also in my hot garage and
it's still running. It's working its ass off all the time.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
So he was like, do not buy it.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
It doesn't happen anymore.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
No, it doesn't.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
But god, we sound like I know, God, we do
sound like dinosaurs. It's kind of true, brawlless dinosaurs sas.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
I know, say more, say more. I do want credit,
you know.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
Uh, it is freeing and it is nice to not
have to deal with For those of.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
You who aren't listening, I made a plea for all
of us to just give up the fucking bras. We're
all going to get in this thing together. I've already
been here for a couple of years. Now, it's time
to stop wearing bras unless you have like a medical
reason or your boots are so big that it like
requires a hold up.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
Yeah, take the broth. Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
Who are you wearing it for?
Speaker 2 (04:47):
I exactly. And it's so much more comfortable. I don't
have to worry about it. And if I'm wearing a
shirt that I'm worried about, it's going to be like
a little too revealing or something like that where the
nipple covers got like the tape, the two sided tape
to tape down my.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
Like, why are we hiding your nipples but we're not
hiding my neighbor mowing his lawns?
Speaker 2 (05:04):
Mean, that is a great question.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
Somebody answered me that why why is he not hiding
his great nipples.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
I mean, I really don't give a shit, Like, but
I'm I'm doing it more because I can't tell you
how many times I've worn like a shirt that was
kind of revealing and I've got people over here being like, hey, dude,
I can see in your shirt. I'm why are you looking? Yeah,
friends were great, I'm sorry. The plan yeah, but we
did have some response from some people that have a
larger chest and they were like, I cannot go without bras.
(05:32):
So we feel you. I mean, that's something I have
shit to deal with. I don't even know how you
do it. Like I had the slightest situation with big
boobs when I was pregnant and nursing and it sucks.
Yeah yeah, yeah, So.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
I guess it's kind of like when you're pregnant too.
I mean, my boobs got big. They were never that big,
but they were big. But I think about too, like
at the end of my pregnancy, my stomach felt good
to be held up, like if I had something supportive.
My stomach was huge. So it's like, I wonder maybe
that in that case, like to have big boobs, maybe
it does feel good to be held up. But that's
a small number of people, like the rest of us
(06:08):
need to just take our braws off.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
Get rid of them, get rid of them. They're really
difficult to find good ones that are comfortable too. I
already said that before, like I don't know.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
There's no reason for it. Yeah, so I appreciate that
you've come to the dark so I have.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
I have. So if anyone accidentally sees my nipple, I'm sorry,
or you're really excited for them, or you know, give
me a dollar, give me.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
Give me a dollar. That's hilarious.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Well, I'm pretty stoked about this movie screening that we're
going to be hosting on Tuesday, August nineteenth.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Madison Yards in Atlanta. Yeah, ramp Park. Yes, we're hosting
the Honey Don't screening in Atlanta August nineteenth at seven pm.
Everybody should come out.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
I mean, we've got a good crowd already. I've had
so many people message me about, you know, getting tickets
and that sort of thing.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
So link and bio.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
You know, it's first come, first served. Doors open at six.
The movie starts promptly at seven, so don't be late.
Try to get there early to get your seats because
even if you register on the website that does not
secure your ticket.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
No, get there at six, get first of all, register online.
Get there at six because it'll be fun to hang
out for the hour before the movie starts, and then
you'll likely get a seat if you're there early, and
it's gonna be a great movie.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
Yeah, I know. I'm so excited about it. I know I've
been not just like Aubrey Plaza, but also Charlie Day
from It's Always Sunny. That dude is so fucking funny.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
Yep, so I'm pretty excited too. I'm stoked to and
I'm so flattered that they asked us to host it.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
I know that Aubrey just said, guys, we got to
get the lesbian chronicles. You'll see wild.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
I do think it's important to point out, like I
think like we always thought it was just like an
US thing that that people were gay. People were like
drawn to Aubrey, but it's clearly like even the pr
people know to have gay people promoted, obviously it's a thing.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
Well, and who's the other lead, Margaret quay quality I
don't know spelled the cue. I didn't realize until just
the other day that that's Andy mcdowells daughter.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
I had no idea, and Andy.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
McDowell has already always felt a little gay to me.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Everyone feels a little gay to me.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
And I read that Margaret is trying to find somebody
for her mom.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
Oh did you see the clip about Bill Murray?
Speaker 2 (08:26):
Yeah, I'm like, good, Andy, come on over here. I know, right,
waters are really nice. Right, you can choose, you can choose.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Yes, I always got a little bit of a gay
thing from her too, but I do tend.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
To do that. What movie is it that I'm thinking of?
There was one movie where it was just it felt
like such a gay vibe and I can't remember. Okay,
let's google.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
She's really she's got all the things, like she's cool girl, beautiful,
kind like I I as an actor, fantastic. I think
we just want her to be gay.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
But Aubrey, she was in Groundhog Day. Yep, Okay, so
she was in that movie with Bill.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
Yeah, Maury, they did not get along during.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
That, right, sex lies and videotape multiplicity. That's a I
always bring up that movie. Have you ever seen that?
Michael Gaton? Yeah, Like, if you make a copy of
a copy of a copy exactly, Saint Elmo's Fire. Yep,
bad girls, Michael. Yeah, she's been a lot of stuff.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
So her daughter is in honey Don't, the starring role
in honey Don't, But please come out Tuesday, August nineteenth,
Madison Yards in Atlanta. Get their early register for a
ticket and the link is in our bio. And then
I think we're picking a winner this weekend on who
wins a guaranteed seat, And I think, what do we have?
(09:52):
We have five pairs of tickets that are going to
be guaranteed, and the way that you get that is
to you tell.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
Them comment on our honey Don't post on our Instagram account,
on our Lesbian Chronicles podcast Instagram account and tag honey Don't,
and then also follow honey Don't on Instagram, and we
will be picking our.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
Winners yep, coming really soon.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
And then we have another exciting event coming up in
October in Seattle. I've never been to Seattle.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Stoked and actually we have a special guest that I
mentioned and she was like, oh my god, I love Seattle.
I cannot wait to go to Seattle.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
So it won't just be us there. We're gonna have
some other people there that'll be really fun. And exciting
for you guys to meet, and we're gonna provide the
opportunity for some social gatherings so you can meet other lesbians,
other queer women. We constantly hear from people like how
do I meet other people? This is it?
Speaker 1 (10:49):
This is also like I think about like when we
were first coming out, we would talk a lot about
just trying to like move the goal posts a little bit,
like keep not the goal, put moving the chains like
a little bit toward the goal all the time. This
to me is like one of those things by the
ticket and like be there, because it's like one step
in the right direction of where you're trying to get exactly,
(11:09):
even if it's just sitting in the crowd meeting a
couple of people and listening, it's still a step in
the right direction of what you're trying to do.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Absolutely, and that's just it. It's like, if you go
to this and you just connect with one person, it
doesn't matter if you live in Seattle or not. Yeah,
it doesn't, Okay, Like I have people that have supported
me in this journey that I've never met in real life.
I've only met them through social media and they're solid humans.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
So it's like even if you live in the middle
of nowhere, you could meet someone there. You form a connection, friendship,
and you've got someone in your court that understands what
you're going through resolutely, and it's going to be imperative
to get through it all exactly.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
And there's also going to be there's going to be
a pre event before the event, and then after the
event a party, so even more opportunities to socialize. And
again like even if you come alone, meet us. Yeah,
like if you're a listener, we would love to meet you.
And it's not going to be a huge event, so
it's kind of like this this intimate space to really
(12:12):
connect with people. Right hard stop. I'm excited, man, I'm
super excited. Like I'm nervous excited.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
Yeah, We've got some big stuff happening.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
We do know.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
I'm like I'm single right now, but i am, like,
I've got plenty to do. I've got that I'm gonna
Shakey Eas Festival in September. Then we've got Atlanta Pride
in October. Following week is Seattle. Yeah, like we've got
a solid little lineup happening.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
We do have a solid lineup happening so I'm super
excited too.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
It's awesome.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Well, let's get into our topic.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
So this morning you sent me a little tidbit from
a podcast that you were listening to. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
So, I'm a big fan of a podcast called the
All In Podcast, and it's all dudes, it's guys. I'm
so sorry, but it's so sorry. But the thing is
is that and I don't want anyone to listen to
the and be like, oh my god, she's a Republican,
because I'm not, but I'm likely somewhere in the middle
leaning left. But the pod is balanced, Like there's a
(13:09):
few people on it that are well known Republicans, so
you're going to be like, what the hell Ali, But
there's also another side to it of guys that aren't
so but the pod they all bring just.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
And you listen to this more of like from a
tech standpoint, right tack in business and business.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
But they go into everything politics. There's a science corner
and there'll be something so fascinating about something happening right
now in science, plastics. I mean, it's like things that
are just grab my attention every episode. I mean enough
so that like I'll stop it and rewind it and
listen again because I'm like, wait, what, Yeah, And it's
all research based. All these guys have companies in the space,
(13:48):
so they're living it every day. But it's a podcast.
I love the All In Pod, and this was this
week's Ready.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (13:56):
I don't really have much thoughts on this AI psychosis
issue per se, but I do think that it's part
of a bigger trend. Meaning these things aren't created overnight
and out of nowhere. I think we've known for a
while that what a Scott Galloway calls it the loneliness
epidemic Z, which I tend to agree with. I mean,
(14:17):
I think that there is a profound shift in how
young people connect with each other and with the world
at large, and I think that they are becoming more isolated.
And I think the dangerous part of AI is that
it can replace whatever flimsy connection that people have left
(14:40):
to their real world community. So if you think about
how much influence is shaped and generated in places like
Instagram by real people, and then go to the limit
of the very useful AI that replaces those people with
fake people and fake pictures you can't discern. But they're
(15:01):
willing to be responsive to you and engage with you
and talk with you. On the one hand, it's incredibly interesting.
On the other hand, that person is ultimately not Realeah.
And so I think whatever it is that people are
going through right now, and you can see it in
all kinds of data, right. You see it in marriage rates,
you see it in household formation rates, you see it
(15:23):
in child bearing rates. Something is broken. It has been
for a while in society. I think all these tools
have exacerbated it. And I think this is just yet
another step in the direction Freeberg.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
What's your take here?
Speaker 3 (15:35):
And sorry, I apologize. I'll say one more thing. I
was talking to somebody about this and he mentioned it.
He framed it this way, and I thought it was
really interesting. If you look at online services, their primary
mechanism of action is via dopamine, and they're trying to
find mechanisms to trigger the release of dopamine, and that's
what gives you that stimulative sensation.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
Right.
Speaker 3 (15:55):
But if you think about real world relationships, having a wife,
having a long term girlfriend, those are fundamentally about serotonin,
not dopamine. The dopamine wears off very quickly, and what
are you left with? Your left with establishing a long
term structural relationship with somebody and the ups and downs
of that, and it's not always peachy keen. That's the
same thing with friends, and so I think the other
(16:18):
thing that's really interesting to note is that we are
sort of all in on dopamine dopamine, dopamine, and young people,
particularly the ones that are the most susceptible, is I'm
going to guess, have not had enough structural interactions in
the kinds of relationships that actually create these long term
serotonin like behaviors so that you can actually balance this
(16:38):
stuff out. And so I suspect that this thing is
going to catch on like wildfire, in part because it's
taking advantage of a trend. I think, yeah, it's like
it's a quick hit as opposed to the long term
gain of deep friendship.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Okay, I never thought the day would come or I
would be citing the all in pod on my pod right,
two opposite ends of this back absolutely wow. But anyway, Okay,
let me when you heard that for the first time, like,
tell me what you were thinking.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
I mean, I think it is interesting about how we're
addicted to dopamine. Now one hundred percent, I know, I
am right. I know my kids are right, And it's
one of those things that like we didn't grow up
this way, No, we've learned it over time. And it's
like form this addiction to the phone, to the dopamine hit,
(17:27):
all the things. And I think it's also like impacting
our ability to human yeah, and interact and ask questions
and care about other people too.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
Right, And when he says, like, all these things that
we interact with, whether it's online services, dating apps, marketing,
please to get your attention, they're all Instagram, social media,
they're all dopamine. They're all optimized for a dopamine hit
to get you joyful quick. So it's like, if that's
what the optimization is and that's your whole day, how
(17:59):
are you ever going to sit through what really used
to be the thing, which is serotonin of like a
long term family of Like I'm in this. It's not
always fun. I'm not getting hit all the time with
dopamine and excitement, but I'm here because the structure feels
good to me. It's safe, it's mood stabilizing over the
(18:19):
long term versus today, I don't feel good, so quick hit, quick, hit,
quick hit that my mom never had an option to
even have. She had to fix it with my dad
in a quiet, lovely way to get that serotonin back.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
Yeah. Well, and I think on top of that, with
having the Internet and having dating apps and having social media,
we have access to endless amounts of people, right, and
because of that, it makes us feel like, is the
person in front of us? What can I find better? Right?
You know, you're looking for the next dopamine hit of
that next person. And I think that's well, I don't.
(18:56):
It's proven that's what the dating apps want out of ight,
for you to be continuing to use it, Like they
don't want you to find a partner. If you find
a partner, they lose business totally. So it's like, you know,
for you to be continuing to want to be bigger, better,
(19:16):
all these things. And I mentioned this in our YouTube
short that we just recorded of watching this video on
TikTok about this woman who pitches herself to this group
of men, young men like twenties. She's cute, her name's Riley,
she's bubbly, and she's talking about how she's scuba certified,
and you know it has all these hobbies. I mean,
(19:37):
scuba certification that's really ballsy and hard. You know, not
one of these guys wanted to date her. They all
just kind of like looked around, and it's like in
their brains they think that they deserve the blonde supermodel
that they've seen on that they follow on Instagram, that
they're seeing on porn hubs, all those things, and you know,
(19:59):
maybe even the AI bought profile that's mixed in on
the dating app yea that they're hoping that you know,
she swipes back and they match, and it creates this
persona of this perfection that you're looking for, and it's
making you miss what's right in front of your face
in real fucking life.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Yeah, it's so true. And it's one of the other
things they said is that prolonged overstimulation can also lead
to a chronic dopamine deficit state, which makes it harder
to experience pleasure from other activities. You can't even be
happy anymore. You can't even be happy anymore because in
order to be you aren't such a deficit that you
have to have that in order to feel joy, because
(20:41):
your body needs this now. Yeah, and so it's like God,
that alone and that Stanford did that study, this isn't
just someone saying this. This is a fact.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
I mean, how often do you sit down to watch
a TV show or watch a movie and within ten
minutes your neverphone.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
It's sick. Like, I think we have to be aware,
but I think I think it's also changing the dynamic
of relationships because it's making the I mean the dating apps.
You know, I've always kind of felt like I don't
want to do it, I mean I and part of
it is like that it's to me. I could feel
that that would be unhealthy for me.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
And yeah, like I haven't used them in a long time,
but I have a friend that just tried it recently
and within twenty four hours she was like, I hate this.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
Yeah, yeah, like yeah, you know, most is.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
Too high in the conversations that you're having, there's no
depth to them. How are you going to be deep
with someone you just matched with and you chose on
the basis of some photos that you saw and again
you're getting hit by dopamine over and you're clicking hit dopamine, dopamine, dopamine.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
It's like, how do you start to then develop the
long term thing and then when you extrapolate that over
the next twenty years, to me, it's like the dream
is still you build wealth together, you buy a house together,
you do all these things together that make it so
that when you're retired and older, you have something together.
It's so much easier with two people. And it's but
(22:00):
just more and more, I think that the whole thing
is breaking down because it's just we can't find joy
in each other. In each other. Yeah, it's you need
the next thing, and I not everybody. And of course
the dating apps work. We know people meet people all
the time, but I don't know that they're built to work.
You made that point on the YouTube video.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Yeah, they're not designed to again, they want customers, they
want to churn. Yeah. Yeah, So I know that it
is one of the few options that some people have.
When you live in the middle of nowhere, you're far
away from the city. Even me, I'm out, I'm forty
minutes away. I can't come up here every day and
try to socialize, right, you know. And on top of that, though,
(22:41):
it's like the fact that I live outside of a
major city makes it I think a little harder for
me to find a partner.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
Now, what if you were aware, what if you said, okay,
I'm going to do the dating apps. I personally, I
think it's probably not good for your You're going to
end up in that dopamine deficit because you're doing TikTok,
Instagram and now dating apps. It's too much. But let's
just say you're gonna do it. Could you go into
that with an awareness of I'm not fucking around with
like this. For me, I'm gonna treat it like a job,
(23:09):
and I'm gonna take what's good and forget what's bad.
If somebody does something alarming, yeah, I'm not.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
Well that's a great point because if you took me
seven years ago, like, I'm light years different than what
I was then. I didn't know what my type was,
I didn't know what red flags were, I didn't know
what I was even looking for. Right now, I feel
like I have a much curated, more curated version of
(23:39):
the person that I think I would pair well with.
That I'm not gonna be, you know, just kind of
swiping on whoever, you know. I would be thinking more
concretely of okay, does this person match not just from
a two D picture standpoint of what I see myself with,
but like value, like long term goals, long term commitment, right,
(24:04):
you know that those are the things that I'm looking
more at versus years ago. It was just surface level.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
I think too. Like one thing, I had a friend
that was like sort of like making excuses for somebody's
pat like, well, she acts this way because her childhood
was this, this and this, and I'm like that it
might have even been you and I and I kind
of was like, yeah, but like at some point we
all had this thing in our childhood. And I'm mine
as abandonment. Mine is my mom was an alcoholic. I
(24:34):
had abandonment. I still do. I'm going to deal with
this the rest of my life. But I'm very, very
aware of it. I see it show up, I talk
about it, I say it when I start to feel
that way. But it's like, at some point too, I
think everybody has to just acknowledge I don't. I can't
be responsible for what happened in your childhood in that.
It's not my responsibility to now say I have to
(24:56):
make it work with you. You're a hot mess, but
I've got to make it work with you because you
had a bad childhood. Yeah, Because I can tell you
everybody has something from their childhood that sucked. And I
don't I can't now be on me. Yeah, and I
don't want that. I'm grown. I want somebody who's also
got their thing, they're emotionally healthy or at least they're
working on it. Not that, Oh she's allowed to behave
(25:17):
this way because her dad left. Yeah, whatever the thing is?
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Well, right, it's like, you know, to give someone permission
to act a certain way because they haven't done the
work on themselves, Like why is that your responsibility? It's not,
and like that's that's another thing. Years ago, I couldn't
have named those things from my past that were triggering
for me. Right now I can name them now, I
(25:43):
feel and I'm still learning this. I'm still learning what
is coming.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
Up for me too.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
And that makes it difficult in a dating situation because
sometimes you are really triggered and you don't know why.
Yeah you know, and sometimes it takes taking a step back,
taking time, a process, taking Oh.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
Am I scared of?
Speaker 2 (26:02):
Yeah? What am I scared of? Right now? What am
I mad about? Right right now? Am I mad at
this person because I feel like they're not showing up
for me? Or am I mad because this person ten
years ago didn't show up.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
For Yeah, that's a great question.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
And I think again, it's like we're all just a
bunch of little fucking kids out here in the world
wandering around acting like grown up with our wounds, with
our wounds. Yeah, like this is probably I don't think
you ever watched the show rug Rats right on, nicolect,
I never watched it. There's an episode where they're like
envisioning what it's like to be grown ups, and they
all have their little baby heads and faces, but they're
(26:36):
dressed in suits, like oversize, that's how we all are.
We're just little babies, little Rugrats, trying to figure it out,
trying to figure it out. But so many people can't
recognize that.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
No, and they think, Like I've heard friends say like, well,
I didn't say anything to her because she her dad
like left when she was little, or like they'll have
some long thing, and I'm like, it's some point, it's
not my problem. Like you can't behave this way period,
hard stop. And I know, like watching a Tatum date,
(27:08):
like one of the things she said is she met
some guy on the app. They were texting, and then
he acted like he had the date wrong of when
they were meeting and she's like, dud, like you can
scroll back and see when we said and then so
she basically kind of was like, I'm kind of done here,
like he's sort of lied to me in my mind,
And of course later he was like no, like I
(27:31):
really did. And to her, she's like, too late, Like
if it was super important to you, you would have
been there, and I have other options, like you're too
new on the scene, there's no body of work for
me to draw, and that you're so great that it's
worth excusing this thing. So to her, he's written off. Yeah,
there is no more chance for him. And I sort
of appreciated that because I thought, this kid's not wasting
(27:53):
time on Saturday night with somebody who sucks. Maybe I mean,
maybe he really did screw it up, But to me,
it's like if I have a date with someone I'm
excited about and I'm I'm not messing up the time
or the day, right, I'm there on time, I'm ready,
I'm prepped, Like I feel like that's that's a fair expectation. Absolutely,
if you come rolling in twenty minutes later you tell
(28:15):
me you didn't remember tonight's the night, yeah, this or
canceling last minute you're done, We're done here.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
No, I don't have time for this. Yeah, I'm way
too busy for you to be. We've made plans like
or if if that, if you are that person has
to cancel, follow up, and make new plans, make great plans. Yeah,
take charge, make it better than right, make it better. Yeah,
And so many people can't do that. They just can't
(28:43):
fucking do it. On top of that, I really do
think that so many people on the apps, I would
say the vast majority, let's say seventy percent of those
people on the apps are not even ready to be
in a relationship. No, they're still a hit. They're looking
for the hit and maybe their relationship just and they
need to feel better about themselves, so they're getting on
the apps. And it is really gross to me. You know,
(29:07):
you really think about it, it's it is. But then
it's like, how do you know who these people are?
Speaker 1 (29:11):
Yeah? I think the minute if you start having a
conversation and it, there will be little there'll be signs. Yeah,
you know, it's I know if my ex sucks. Yeah,
Like anytime somebody starts trashing the ax, I'm always like
I got to hear from this just.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
Gotta have a relationship. And she's she's supposed to come
get her stuff next week. I don't know. And then
she comes and gets her stuff, and then it's like, well,
her bike's still here.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
It's a wake up, wake up.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
It's like God, like, I'll be like, you know what,
call me after the bike is long gone and you
have gone through a few months of therapy. Yeah, and
completely separated from this person. So true, like stop trying
to start something before the other thing is over.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
I know, but I think people can't sit in It
can't because partly because of the dope.
Speaker 2 (29:59):
Me absolutely, And when you live at a deficit, how
do you do it? M m?
Speaker 1 (30:04):
I mean, how do you do it well?
Speaker 2 (30:05):
And it's also, you know, the the avoidant relationships that
happen where the anxious and avoidant, like that anxious person
is thriving off of that fucking dopamine that comes when
that avoidant has disappeared for a few days and they reappear,
save you a text, and you're.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Like, oh my god, they're back again.
Speaker 2 (30:22):
Yeah, I still got them in my life. And you
get addicted to that, you get addicted to hearing them,
I know, hearing from them.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
It's like until you start to see it as an eck,
like you're you're you're you know, have work to do.
Speaker 2 (30:35):
Yeah, I guess is what I would say.
Speaker 1 (30:37):
And I know I've been on both sides, Like I
don't when I think back to like my Catalyst days,
it's like there were so many red flags that I overlooked,
maybe because I was so excited about being out. I
was so excited about being with a woman, Like there
were so many reasons. Yeah, but it's just like I now,
I just said this to Christine today. What I admire
(30:58):
and like I'm drawn to are really healthy grown ups,
Like I find myself like it's so attractive to me. Yeah,
Like if you are this like healthy grown up in
the world who's not picking up a bike from your ex,
like that is a turnoff.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
Yeah, that is an ick.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
It doesn't draw me in. It repulses me. And it's
like it's taken me how many years have we been
at this like to get to a place of like
grown up women are hot to me.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:27):
It really doesn't even have that much to do with looks.
It's more just how do you move through the world
as an adult grown up?
Speaker 2 (31:34):
Yeah, and that means like not just from like a
standpoint of you know, how you take care of yourself,
owning a home, financially responsible, that kind of thing. It's
an emotional maturity.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
Emotional way more than the other things.
Speaker 2 (31:46):
I don't even need. I don't.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
It's not even the financial it's more just like, how
do you take care of you? Like to you self abandoned?
Speaker 2 (31:54):
Do you?
Speaker 1 (31:55):
Are you like you said picking up the bike from
the X? Like what a turnoff? Or are you like
a great mom? Are you you know, at your job?
Like when I see people blow off their jobs, it's
like kind of a red flag to me, like are
you somebody's paying you to do that?
Speaker 2 (32:10):
And you're like you're still in bed, You're still.
Speaker 1 (32:13):
In bed, Like I don't love that. Like to me,
that's a turnoff, But that wouldn't be a turn off
to everyone. It's just I'm finding the more I grow
into who I'm going to be, the more attractive it
is to see people that.
Speaker 2 (32:24):
Are like you, who they surround themselves with.
Speaker 1 (32:27):
You are the five people you spend time with period
hard stop.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
Yeah yeah, Like if your friends are immature.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
Emotionally, yeah, yeah, you're gonna you're doing the.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
Same like that, So you're going to for your advice.
Speaker 1 (32:40):
Yeah, that's a whole other thing too. I think I've
thought a lot about that lately. It's like, who do
you get your like advice from? It is interesting how
some people do go to people that I'm like, they're
kind of like that, Like, I don't know, I could
think of a.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
Lot of that's exactly. So, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
Yeah, I think. I mean in our group, we have
a lot of really great women who have great have
been through things, and different perspective, ferent perspectives for sure.
Speaker 2 (33:08):
I think that's just it. It's like I know that
if I go to you, if I go to Mandy
Jamie's like, I'm getting different perspectives on the whole thing.
It's true. But I love that. Yeah, yeah, and they're
all good and smart perspectives, right, And I also know
that those people are rooting for me.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
That's the other thing. Who is rooting for you? You know? Genuinely,
I think it's really important. Like I said to someone
the other day, like I in talking about there was
this couple that broke up in our group, and I'm like,
I I really I knew one really well. The other
one I don't know as well. I never take sides,
but I'm like, I really only have one. I don't
really care what happened, Like it's none of my business.
(33:50):
I just have my friend and I'm just like here
to listen, right and be there. That is my only role.
Speaker 2 (33:55):
Yeah, Like, no one's being villainfied. Yeah you're villainized villain.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
Either.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
Words are hard. Yeah uh but yeah, I mean I
think that's just it. Like it you've got people that
are rooting for you, and when there is a little
breakup in the friend group, it's like, okay, it can
be handled maturely, right, And I love that.
Speaker 1 (34:17):
I do too.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
I think it says a lot about the people involved, right,
Like I don't want to be out here like, oh yeah,
I don't like you because you guys didn't work out. Yeah, things,
it's a it's throwing darts of the wall right now.
You know, you don't know what's going to stick true.
Speaker 1 (34:33):
And so yeah, I think overall, like I think it's
the dopamine and the serotonin. I think if you're just
even aware that that's a thing, and if you know
you're looking for a hit, I'm guilty of it. I'll
get on Instagram and I'll I'll plan to read in bed,
and then I'll check my phone for a text, and
then before you know it, I've you know, thirty minutes
(34:55):
have blown by. Yeah, and I'm pissed at myself. I'm like,
why did I just do that? Right?
Speaker 2 (35:00):
It is such a it is a waste of time,
Like it drives me crazy and I wish I don't know.
It's one of those things that I want to work
on personally. Me too, because it's changing how I consume media. Yeah,
you know, I can't sit down and watch a TV
show because it's like, well, this isn't happening fast enough,
Like it's not like a TikTok situation, like I want
(35:22):
those quick dopamine hits and yeah, how is it dripping
over into the other parts of my life? It doesn't
allow me just to sit and be happy.
Speaker 1 (35:31):
Especially you and I because we have a touch of LADYHD.
I don't I do at least, Yeah, And so I
can't give into it, like I have to be vigilant.
Speaker 2 (35:40):
You know. It's interesting, like not drinking because it it
is wild to me. How much more productive?
Speaker 1 (35:48):
Oh yeah, okay, let me ask you this, are we
more or less annoying than you thought. Like when you're
out in our group, are you like, oh wow.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
Oh well, you know, gosh, that was interesting last weekend
being out and like it was.
Speaker 1 (36:00):
My birthday, was drinking.
Speaker 2 (36:02):
None of you guys were bothering me, okay at all.
Everybody was fine, But what was bothering me was the
two drunk asses that I'm not even sure were old
enough to be drinking in that bar.
Speaker 1 (36:12):
I don't even remember them that.
Speaker 2 (36:14):
Really, Yeah, oh my god, and see this is just it.
I walked out of there and I'm like, god, I
felt like I was just at the bar with the
lights on, Like there was these two girls. They were wasted, sparusly.
You don't remember this, No one of them. I wasn't
drinking that much. One of them was singing and like
running around the room with the mic. I was gone,
and like the guy that was hosting karaoke stopped her
(36:37):
and was like, you need to calm down because she's
like running into people. I watched these two knockover beers
multiple times. Yeah, they one of them ran into me
at least four times, like hard.
Speaker 1 (36:49):
I had to be gone.
Speaker 2 (36:51):
No, you were there and it was like I was
sitting there like how are they still serving them? But
like it was wild to me, So that was yeah,
but I don't I think I would have noticed that
even if I was drinking, okay, like they were that outrageous,
but it did. It was interesting being sober and being like, well,
you know what, I'm tired. I think I'm gonna go home.
Speaker 1 (37:13):
I know it's the best.
Speaker 2 (37:14):
Like if I was drinking, I would have been like,
I think I'll have another beer.
Speaker 1 (37:17):
No, I ten thirty.
Speaker 2 (37:19):
Yeah, so but I am more productive, like it doesn't
crush the rest of your weekend. I went last week.
I told you guys, I bought a pressure washer, pressure
wash my patio. Now I've painted the patio dag Like
I am just like running around my house doing all
sorts of different projects and which is also.
Speaker 1 (37:38):
Like so gratifying. Again back to the grown adult women. Yeah,
it's like sometimes I think about like this house and
how much I take care of this house, Like I
am o the grass every weekend. Yeah, I spray the weeds,
I edge like I these are things I would have
never done. And there's like I love it, like I'm grown.
Speaker 2 (37:58):
I think of yourself a few years ago like there's
no way outing the law, no way. So it's like that,
It's like that's one of the many gifts I think
in this and coming out And as much as it
sucks to get divorced and be alone and all the
heartbreak we've both been through, it's like we've created like
an independence in ourselves. Yeah that we would never have
(38:22):
had it's we'd stayed married.
Speaker 1 (38:24):
Yeah. So and I enjoy it, Like there's a pride
that comes with like I don't know, even making dinner
for the kids. Like I just I like being this
version of me.
Speaker 2 (38:34):
Yeah, absolutely, Like you've you've learned how to do so
many more things that you wouldn't do. Yeah. Like I
can't tell you how many times I started on a
project and my ADHD got in the way and I
was like, Tom, can you finish this?
Speaker 1 (38:47):
But the pressure washing, dude, that's big.
Speaker 2 (38:50):
Well okay, I got like the baby pressure washer. Okay,
it's electric, Well it does yeah, Okay, I've only done
it on my patio and like a little bit sprayed
off my house because I'm also a little scared of it. Yeah,
Like I don't know quite how power pain off. Yeah,
And I think I did take some of the paint
off the brick. It'll be all right, but it's fine. Yeah,
but yeah, I mean it is a very satisfying little tool.
(39:12):
And it was only ninety dollars.
Speaker 1 (39:15):
Okay, so good for you. Yeah, yeah, that's all. I
might be borrowing it.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
Yeah, absolutely totally. You're like, when I mean borrowing it,
you're gonna spray or pressure wash my driveway?
Speaker 1 (39:26):
Yeah? When I exactly, when can you bring it over
and actually do it.
Speaker 2 (39:30):
I'm a little disappointed because it says not to put
bleach in it, and I was like, damn, I was
really hoping to like really go for it with this
whole thing.
Speaker 1 (39:36):
Do they have another product they sell that like goes?
Speaker 2 (39:39):
I don't know. But I'd also learned my lesson with
this stuff. It's like called concrete etch. It's like meant
for cleaning concrete. Okay, it's taken off some shit, that's
for sure, in a good way, in a good way,
but you need to use it very evenly, and I
did not. That's one reason why I painted the patio
because I was I had these blotches from this concrete
ass whatever it was, I were it on there. Dude,
(40:02):
you learn, Oh my god, yeah.
Speaker 1 (40:04):
And I'm embarrassed to tell you. Okay, this is really bad.
This is me learning. So I'm sure I've already told you.
But my front yard had some dead pat It's a
brand new turf in the front not it's sowed. Okay,
So they saw the yard. I move in and then
there's a few dead patches. So the guy told me
who true green told me. He's like, you just need
(40:25):
to scrape it up and put down grass seed and
then put sand on top of it. And he's like,
in those areas will start to just fill in on
their own. There was just a couple of spots. It
was bothering me. So I went to get the sand,
and I guess I bought the wrong kind of sand.
I bought the kind of sand that gets wet and
turns into concrete.
Speaker 2 (40:42):
Oh no, So.
Speaker 1 (40:43):
I concreted like seven spots in my yard that turned
into concrete. And I was like kind of flipping out,
and I'm like, motherfucker, Like I was trying to like
fix the spots. Now I've made it horrific, way worse.
So I had to break up these little spots of concrete,
pack it all up in bags, get rid of it.
(41:04):
Then Rea till the spots reput grass seed down. But
now it's like looks good, okay, and I'm kind of like.
Speaker 2 (41:12):
Fixed it, fixed it. But dude, I can't tell you
how many times I start to do like some kind
of project at my house and it's like something's going wrong.
Speaker 1 (41:20):
Yeah, something always goes wrong. But don't you think you
have to have it go wrong and then now you
have data for when you do it again. Yeah, then
you're gonna have a repertoire of all these things that
you know how to do.
Speaker 2 (41:30):
That's very true.
Speaker 1 (41:31):
Yeah, the grass thing was a learning curve.
Speaker 2 (41:33):
Like even with using the pressure washer. At first, I
was like I don't know how to get the little
nozzles on. Yeah, Like I bought it, and then I
think I went to dinner or no. I saw Tom
and he was like, yeah, it is weird. You gotta
like push it in and turn it and all this stuff.
And he's the one that explained to me, like how
to get the nozzles on, yeah, because otherwise I was
like about to look up YouTube videos to try how
(41:54):
to do myself, how to do it right. YouTube is
fucking fantastic for that kind of stuff. You could learn anything.
Speaker 1 (42:00):
Let me tell you something. I just heard this thing
about how the IVY League is not worth it anymore
because you can basically get the entire IVY education online.
Speaker 2 (42:11):
A bunch of stuff Harvard does have like free classes
and stuff, right, is that what you mean?
Speaker 1 (42:15):
Or just like like in general, like do you want
to learn everything about quantum physics?
Speaker 2 (42:19):
You can like do you.
Speaker 1 (42:21):
Want to learn everything about and name a topic? So
and they were saying, like, job like people nowadays instead
of hiring out of like Harvard, they don't. They don't anymore.
Like now they basically put up a job a skill
set and then let people show their skill set, and
whoever has it the best gets the job. And oftentimes
it's not the kid but the fancy education. And meanwhile,
(42:43):
like I'm paying for college.
Speaker 2 (42:47):
You can get this a long time about like paying
for that IVY League education because I've worked alongside people
who went to NYU and we got the the Ivy's. Okay,
it's not, but even so I have worked alongside people
that I'm like, yeah, my education was far cheaper.
Speaker 1 (43:10):
NYU is not the Ivy's. But Owen is in an
IVY M and he's he he's very smart though, Like
I think he will get out of it a lot
because he's way into it. Yeah, but I do think
a lot of his stuff.
Speaker 2 (43:24):
I mean, I think there's a lot of benefits to both,
you know. But I also think that there's a strong
benefit to go into a community college for two years
than transferring to some other big.
Speaker 1 (43:36):
Name or donate the transfer school or don't transfer to
get your skill set, you know, somewhere else. I mean, look,
an electrician makes more money than a doctor.
Speaker 2 (43:44):
I mean, so I have learned such like exponentially, like
mind blowing more than I learned in those four years
of college. Those feigners of college were.
Speaker 1 (43:56):
I'm not even doing my my degree anymore. Yeah, that's right,
I don't even have I I went to.
Speaker 2 (44:02):
School with a lot of people who didn't never use degree.
Speaker 1 (44:05):
Right, So so it's kind of like, I don't know,
it's a little scary.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
It is scary.
Speaker 1 (44:10):
Yeah, I don't know what to think. But my kids
are in it. My daughter at NYU loves to joke
she's like, you know, I mean, I really just want
to do what my ancestors have done for thousands of
years for free. Like she has no concept like, while
we're paying the tuition, I'm like, do not say that today?
Speaker 2 (44:29):
Would you like to start paying the bill for this?
Maybe you'll change your mind about that.
Speaker 1 (44:33):
I just want to farm like my ancestors Oki. Yeah,
oh she really does. She'll be so happy.
Speaker 2 (44:39):
I mean, you want to live with sheep, so I
want to.
Speaker 1 (44:42):
I do want to. Like this is getting stronger in me,
Like I'm starting to really get to a place, and
I'm a city girl. I always wanted the city apartment.
Speaker 2 (44:49):
That is interesting because you do like living in the city.
Let me tell you something.
Speaker 1 (44:53):
I am having a farming overhaul.
Speaker 2 (44:57):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (44:57):
I want to plant things I want to have, and
I want to see my dog run her ass off.
Speaker 2 (45:02):
I don't know what is happening.
Speaker 1 (45:05):
I don't know if it's hitting fifty. I don't know
if it's just like I even looked back at my
vision board from last year. It looks just like what
I still want. I want a creek or a river,
maybe some mountains and a farm.
Speaker 2 (45:17):
Oh my gosh. Bracken was so concerned about flooding recently,
and he was like, is there a creek near our house? Oh?
Because when many noticed like the drainage pond thing that's
like in the neighborhood, and he's like, what about that
weekend time out?
Speaker 1 (45:33):
Is he worried because of what happened in Texas?
Speaker 2 (45:35):
Yeah, basically like worrying that flooding is going to happen
to where it overtakes our house. And I'm like, I
cannot foresee that happening.
Speaker 1 (45:43):
No, So I mean they probably couldn't either. I mean, true,
it's fucking terrible.
Speaker 2 (45:48):
It is, man, it's terrifying.
Speaker 1 (45:50):
It's terrifying. So that geez exactly. Okay, so come out, honey,
don't Tuesday night, August nineteenth, seven pm, Madison Yards. Get
there early because it's first come, first first first serve.
Speaker 2 (46:04):
And yeah, to clarify, you can register on the website
for a ticket. That does not guarantee your ticket. You
still have to show up and it is a first come,
first serve based on those who have registered.
Speaker 1 (46:16):
Yes, and we have a link in our bio on
Instagram if you want to register for a ticket.
Speaker 2 (46:22):
If you didn't win one, see you guys on Tuesday.
Speaker 1 (46:24):
See you Tuesday.
Speaker 2 (46:29):
I want to support the Lesbian Chronicles podcast, Rate us
and write a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify we'd.
Speaker 1 (46:35):
Love listener feedback. If you'd like to share your story,
email us at Melissa and Ali at gmail dot com.
That's Melissa M. E.
Speaker 2 (46:44):
L I.
Speaker 1 (46:45):
S A and Ali A L l I at gmail
dot com. Or follow us on Instagram at Lesbian Chronicles
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Football’s funniest family duo — Jason Kelce of the Philadelphia Eagles and Travis Kelce of the Kansas City Chiefs — team up to provide next-level access to life in the league as it unfolds. The two brothers and Super Bowl champions drop weekly insights about the weekly slate of games and share their INSIDE perspectives on trending NFL news and sports headlines. They also endlessly rag on each other as brothers do, chat the latest in pop culture and welcome some very popular and well-known friends to chat with them. Check out new episodes every Wednesday. Follow New Heights on the Wondery App, YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to new episodes early and ad-free, and get exclusive content on Wondery+. Join Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts or Spotify. And join our new membership for a unique fan experience by going to the New Heights YouTube channel now!
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