October 11, 2025 • 34 mins
Alli and Melisa talk the importance of doing the work.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/lesbian-chronicles-coming-out-later-in-life--5601514/support.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/lesbian-chronicles-coming-out-later-in-life--5601514/support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
I'm Ali. I came out after twenty years of marriage
and I have three kids.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
I'm Melissa and I have two kids, and I came
out at thirty seven after an eleven year marriage.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
This podcast is about coming out later and the struggles
and victories that come with it.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
When coming out feels like the end of the world,
but it's really just the beginning.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
This is the Lesbian Chronicles less Youse hand like a
zen moment where we're open for business. H I have
to deep breaths.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
You were, yeah, working through it today.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
We're working through it today. That anxiety is real.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Dude, It's wild. I know, let's take over your life.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
I remember when I would go to therapy and she
would tell me, do you feel it in your stomach
or your chest? And I've always had no idea what
she was talking about. Now I feel it in my stomach.
I know the anxiety. I know what it is, and
it's like I feel it come on. It's like a
heat in my stomach that I can't it's so pervasive.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Yeah, it is, and it makes it so that you
cannot eat.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Yeah, you cannot eat. I have no appetite. Yeah, but
I'm starving. Yeah, starving, hungry.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
You have to go for like what's got calories in it?
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Yeah, that's what I mean. Last night I did chips
and salsa and I I mean, I was like car bloating,
but I am literally starving. But nothing sounds good.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
It's rough out there. But we have something exciting yes
with Seattle, So I'm really getting excited about this. I'm like,
we were really pulling this.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
When we first talked about it. I'm like, eh, we
probably won't do it, and it's like each week that
went buy them, like wait a minute, wait a minute,
we're doing it.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
I mean, let's be real, we wouldn't be able to
do it without our tea with Rachel's.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Oh yeah, there's zero chances. Zero chant you and I
can't get shipp done. No, let me tell you guys
something about Melissa and I. We bought all this equipment
all i' mean expensive, expensive recording equipment to do videos.
We did it one time. We couldn't figure it out.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
Okay, well we did figure it out. We just didn't
figure out the audio. One hundred audio sucks. But also
we've been busy, like we haven't had time to shoot more.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
I know, but it's like my mom always says, if
you want to get something done, ask a busy person.
Busy people get shipped done.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
You know, I usually work better under pressure when there's
like a timeline deadline.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Like today, we should be doing that instead of what
you're doing, which is partying.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
It's Pride weekends.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
True, it's true.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
It is Pride week in Atlanta and interested, but honestly,
this is like the least excited I've been for Pride,
like ever since coming out. Yeah, I'm just tired, and
I'm like I went to Second Friday last night. That
was fun. Met some listeners shout out to Kate. Oh yeah, Chelsea.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
I know I heard Katie and Chelsea. I heard y'all
have the lesbian chronicles hats on. This is like, you
guys deserve huge props. I love that. When when she
told me that, I literally like was like, they're fucking amazing.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
It was really cool.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Yeah, and actually this is a good time. We're gonna
have a storytelling situation in Seattle, and you guys were
the first people we thought about for a story that
we're going to share in Seattle, if it's okay with you,
because we laughed so hard at your walk in the
wood than walking in the woods.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
It's like, oh, she mentioned something last night too, like, yeah,
I thought it was perfectly normal to shower with my friends.
I'm like, this is not normal.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
Oh boy.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
But yeah, they were really sweet. It was great to
meet them in person.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
I bet so. Yeah, that's amazing. I'm sorry that I
missed it, but I'm having a quiet I've decided to
have a quiet Pride where I'm going to do none
of the Pride activities.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Yeah, I'm doing minimal. I'm going to do walk in
the park today and just look around, get a porch
fest later that's not really Pride related. But then the
parade tomorrow. Cool. So I like it getting quiet. Yeah,
I'm getting super quiet over here. But also, I mean Seattle,
I know is going to be non stuff. We're only
there for two days. I know it's going to be
super quick.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
But you guys, please get tickets. Come out. We are
so pumped. The show is going to be amazing. We
have a sex therapist who's killer, and then we also
have Perry Voss who's an incredible storyteller Award winner and
she's awesome and we cannot wait to meet you all.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Yeah, it's going to be a blast, and it's just
a great opportunity for people to meet other people totally,
Like it's such a hard world to dive into, navigate
and make friends, and this is your chance.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
I mean, and we should say also that we learned
last week. The Social Queer is going to host the
first hour of the event and there's going to be
a question situation where you're given a question and you
have to go into the room and find people to
answer the question, so that you have to meet new people.
So if this is the event, if you are alone,
(05:03):
this is the time. Yeah, like, this is the thing.
Do not sweat it, get a ticket, show up.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
And you're gonna have like guidance along the time.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
You're gonna be guidance. Even I could do this and
I do nothing alone.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
And then afterwards the DJ and.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
Afterwards all the DJ and if you want to show
off flex your muscles, we're gonna have you guys moving chairs.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
Oh yeah, I mean, I'm like we should time this
or like do like a time lapse video, es, like
what happens when you ask lesbians to move chairs?
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Exactly? How fast can how fast? How many lesbians does
it take.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
They're all gonna be like hell. Yeah. It reminds me
being in like uh, elementary or middle school, like where
the boys are all asked to help, but like you
want to help.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
You really want to help, and you know you can
do it better exactly.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Yeah, it's like the girls are never asked.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
It's true. It's so do you think about like how
pervasive that is in a childhood of like just like
what you said, like, imagine you go fifteen years, the
girls are never asked. To your point, the dad gets
the check. I remember being little and always watching them
just automatically give the check to my dad. It's like
giving him all the power my whole life. I'm watching this, Yeah,
(06:13):
and it's just like how can that not have such
a profound impact on who we become?
Speaker 2 (06:18):
I know it's it's and just being told too, like
boys only do certain things, girls only do certain things.
Like that's one of the drivers for me with I've
been taking drum lessons. Like I when I was in
like middle school, my older brother was on drumline. He
was in high school already, and I was like, dude,
(06:39):
this is so cool. I want to do this when
I get to high school. But it was like, no,
girls don't play the drums, like girls are not on
drumline crazy, and so I was like, oh, well, damn,
like I can't do that. Yeah, it's like you know,
you can do it, and you can do it at
any point in your life learn how to do new shit.
But yeah, it is such a message that is driven
(07:00):
to kids. Yeah, boys do this, girls do that, and
it's really fucking annoying.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
It's really fucking annoying. And let me tell you a
recent one. My ex husband, who is a total quote
unquote feminist, progressive, massively liberal man. Okay, the other a
couple of weeks ago, I put together like an Excel spreadsheet,
and I should give a shout out to Marianna because
she actually did the spreadsheet. But I put together an
(07:25):
Excel spreadsheet and he literally looked at it and he
was like, this is like nice girl, girl math.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Wait what yes?
Speaker 1 (07:33):
And it was all right, like the kuwait, it was
completely accurate. He's like, this is girl math, girl math? Yeah?
Have you ever heard this? Yeah, I've heard of it
in the sense of like you can't do math, right,
yeah girl math? Nice girl math?
Speaker 2 (07:47):
Like is in I've always heard of it like, Okay,
I returned the shirt, so now I have fifty dollars
to spend. Okay, yeah, where it's like, you really don't
have fifty dollars, No, you spent the.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Original fifty dollars.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
No.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
He was basically saying this is never going to be right,
and it was totally right. And so what did I
immediately do?
Speaker 2 (08:06):
Proved him wrong?
Speaker 1 (08:07):
Well, proved him wrong, but then also told his really
radically feminist.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
She like told him she's like never fucking again, dad,
Like that is bad.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
Yeah, anyway, that is a thing where like girls are
like said to be bad at math.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
Math?
Speaker 2 (08:26):
Was I just told that I was bad at math?
Speaker 1 (08:28):
That's what I'm saying. I don't. It's just like it's sick.
But my point is like if he can say that
and he's like, mister liberal feminist, come on, it's like
it's ingrained.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
It is. It really is, and it's I mean I've
definitely tried to like undo that with or you know,
present that to my kids off like that's not the case. No,
you can do whatever you want, you know. It was great.
Was when Caylen was probably like around four years old,
she asked me if boys could be could be doctors.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
Oh my god. Fuck yeah, Like this is amazing.
Speaker 2 (09:00):
I never encountered a mail dogar did.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
You respond, No, they can be nurses.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
That would have been amazing.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
Oh god, oh lord. But again, like that's another pervasive
thing you grow up with. You go to the doctor
and then there's the nurse. Yeah, you know, the teachers
are women. Like it's it's really it's shocking that we're
even where you and I are now because my entire
childhood was my dad ran the show. He had all
the money, he had all the power, and my mom
went along for the ride.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
Yeah. Period, who gets the check when you're out on
a date? I like, where does the server put it down,
like in front of you or I don't know.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
I always feel like whenever I'm in that kind of situation,
I'm in a race to pay it against them. So
it's like both of us like quickly trying to get it.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
So I don't know, I haven't been on that many dates.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Yeah, I mean, yeah you have. I mean you have,
like with your former partners and stuff.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Yeah, I think I'm always in a race to pay
it because I feel like I don't know. It's also
a weird thing I'm coming into where I'm like, I
feel like I have to be a certain way. Like
I'm reading this book that j Doctor Jamie gave me,
and it's about like family systems and like how you
grow up. And everybody has different what they call like exiles,
(10:20):
parts of yourself that you've like buried away. But that's
like eat it, you mine, you know. I talk about
mine like I have abandonment stuff, But I also have
this thing where like I can't fully ever let my
guard down, or like I have to get the bill,
I have to do the thing. I have to like
be sure I'm secure with my people. You know this.
(10:41):
I check in with you sometimes, like dude, you good,
Like you don't do that as much. But it's my exile,
Like I have to work on this shit and it
comes up for me a ton, and so I think,
like even paying the check for me is like part
of that like need to be I don't even know
if it's like in control or like keep I don't know.
(11:04):
I don't know what it is.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
I don't know either. That's interesting because I can't say
that I'm ever like I mean, most of the time
I'm on a date or something and we're like splitting it,
but it is most of the time it's put in
front of me, and.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
That's a good feeling.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
Well, it's just kind of funny, like it's like, well,
it's like I'm the man one. You know, it's the
masculine energy kind of thing.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
If they put it in front of you, then how
do you then say to the person you're splitting it? Like,
if they put it in front of me, I'm not
being like give me your credit card, you just scowed
it to the middle.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
No, I mean I'll be I'll ask if they want
to split it, if if that's what I have in mind,
or I'll just take care.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
Of it, yeah, or say you get next time the
assumed clothes, or you can ven me you can. If
somebody said that to me, I would be like, wait, what.
Speaker 2 (11:50):
Is this single?
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Yeah, that's fucking awful.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
No, I wouldn't do that.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
I know you wouldn't.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
I know you wouldn't. Not for real.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
Do you ever like do the thing where you're like
I'll get it knowing that like maybe that means there's
another date because then they'll get it.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Uh No, I'm not really Okay. It's like dating is
so weird to me because maybe this kind of can
lead into our topic, but it's weird to me in
the sense of, like I feel like I don't need
to do more than like three dates with someone to
know whether or not I really want to like invest
more time. Okay, So it's not like I wouldn't even
(12:30):
say three, I would say I would know after like two, yeah,
and then but it's like you you decide you're going
to invest that time with someone, but it's not like
guaranteed that you're running off and getting married. But I
feel like that's the expectation at our age when you
date for more than like a month or two.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Yeah, it's true. It's definitely true. I feel like too
for someone like me who has like I'm learning intimacy
issues where like I can't I'm recognizing these things over
the last month about myself where it's like I can't
fully be there. So it's like I'm not really getting
to know you that well for a long time because
(13:10):
I'm not comfortable, like even like this is like way
t am I, but like even being like completely having
all my clothes off feels very vulnerable to me, and
I am not body conscious at all like I'm happy
with my body. I don't have any of those feelings,
and I still can't just like be completely at ease
(13:33):
for a long time, and so I end up, I think,
missing out on awesome stuff because I can't just be
vulnerable and like let my guard down.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
That's interesting because I like I felt that way. Like
when I was with with men, I felt really uncomfortable.
I was always like, give me the blankets, you know,
like that kind of thing. I feel that so much
less so with women, But initially, like with coming out,
I was like, God, women are probably likely judge of
other women's bodies, and like that has not been the case. Yeah,
(14:05):
I feel like there's like an understanding, you know, like
we've done hard ship.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
Yeah, grown babies, babies like sucking on our boob years.
When I think about that, like I with three kids,
they each nurse for two years each man, so for
six years. Yeah, I had babies sucking on me. You
can't expect my nipples and boobs exactly anymore.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
I did it for three years because both of mine,
and yeah, I was I remember during that time being
like I'm gonna have to have this is prepair, Like
this is not gonna end well, and they're you know,
it's like it's a baby, but they're fucking rough with it.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
They are rough, like they are rough your nipples and
too they have teeth.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
They have fucking teeth. Yeah, and they will test you totally.
I like have it burned in my brain of Breckon
looking me directly in the eyeballs and pulling as hard
as he could, and I had to just sit there
and be like, don't react because if you react, they're
gonna want to do it again. Yeah. It was like
(15:09):
being in like a fucking torture.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
I know.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
You know, did you ever have.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
The thing where you had what is it mestitis where
your boobs get really hard, get hard and huge and clogged.
It was like the worst pain ever.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
It is so bad.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
You know.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
What helped was cabbage leaves. I know I did that,
But then I'm like I got the cabbage leaves and
I was like, God, this is the best feeling on
the planet. But then I read that can reduce your
milk supply.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
With gold. God, did you take such pride in your
milk in the friend? I really did, Like that is
like gold.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
I treated that ship like it was actual gold. It
was like, do not spill it and careful he did
ever try like it does. I had like this long
list of directions for any time that someone was watching
my kids totally, and it was like I think Tom knew.
It's like if he had spilled any or ruined it,
he just should not tell me.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
Don't tell me.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
I would have lost my ship.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
No, I had like milk for months in the yeah,
and so crazy.
Speaker 2 (16:10):
Brecken was like he had really bad acid reflex so
he a lot and I would just be like.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
No, it's so true. That is so true. But all
that to say, like, yeah, my boobs have been through
fucking war and it's but it's also like I just
don't care when it comes to a woman like looking
any particular way.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Like I think it's been just beautiful. It's really beautiful.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
But it's like for me, like I can't get that vulnerable.
So it's like people, I end up missing out on
people because.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
Like missing out on like cuddling or.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Like just even I can do that, but it's like
just like to cry in front of somebody for me
is like I hate it.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
I'm the same way.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
Yeah, but I have friends who just will like start bawling.
I mean, I have cried more in the last probably
a couple of weeks that I remember crying in a
long time.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
Yeah, I was the same way. I felt like I
could not really cry except for like certain topics would
get me going going, but other stuff I felt so
numb too. It was like almost as if like all
my emotions were forced into this one thing, and then
so everything else didn't get that level of emotion, like
I was just closed off.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
Yeah, and then you know, I, oh my god, that's interesting.
I need to remember you said that.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
And I started taking lexapro I think, okay for like
a couple months, but that made me have no feelings.
And then I stopped taking it, and it was like floodgates.
I was like suddenly able to like feel emotions and process.
This was like what August I think September that I
was finally able to like to start processing and like
(17:53):
crying and like thinking, really thinking about my my the
breakup that I just had a couple months ago. Oh yeah,
you know, I wasn't able to like fully process that
stuff in the moment. It's really wild, I think too.
Speaker 1 (18:06):
Like what you said about you were so focused on
one thing that it's like you couldn't deal with the
other things.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
I think that is what has been happening to me
over the last couple of months, where I was so
destabilized from what was happening in my relationship with my
ex husband that we can go into in another episode,
that it became like I couldn't even deal with the
other shit I had going on because this was so
pervasive in my heart and mind. And now, I mean,
(18:33):
I've been going to therapy and I feel like I've
learned so much about myself just in the past like month. Yeah,
but one of the things she said is that growing
up with an alcoholic and having like abandonment issues and
just my intimacy issues in general, because I protect myself.
She's like, you do you have your in situations where
it's fight or flight, And she's like, you flight a
(18:55):
lot of times instead of staying in it. And fight
doesn't mean fighting with someone. Can just mean I'm going
to sit here and be really raw in front of you,
and it might get ugly. I might be crying, i
might be saying things that are really uncomfortable because I'm hurting.
But it's like instead of doing that and like sitting
in it, I flight, yeah because for whatever reason. Maybe
(19:16):
it's because I have this other huge issue that's been
taxing me that I couldn't do the other issues. It's
compartmentalizing and it's costing me my happiness. Yeah, and it's
like I can't keep doing this absolutely, so I think
that is where my work is and I feel like
I'm doing it.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
I mean, I'm well you are, and I think another
positive that you didn't necessarily want to do, but insurance
purposes and all that stuff. You've switched therapists, right, yeah,
and I think you know, I've been seeing the same
therapists for a few years now. I really adore her.
I haven't gotten in a while, but I think it it.
(19:56):
I've actually been debating, like maybe I need to find
someone new, and I I think it kind of gives
you a fresh perspective, a fresh take. There's different They
have different methods and different you know, information to give you.
It's true, same story, but different approach.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
And even just identifying the flight, like I had just
done that in a situation and it cost me dearly. Yeah,
but it's like she told me, you're the only loser. Yeah,
Like you lose. You should have sat there and sat
in it and do the thing, start bawling, who the
fuck cares? Yeah, like instead of getting up and just
(20:30):
calling it because you're too fucking scared to like get
into it. And I just now. She's like, I want
you to write about like what it would feel like
if you didn't flight, if you sat in it, What
would that look like and what would it feel like?
Like write it down? Which I did. I do every
exercise she gives me. I do it like I'll like
(20:51):
the student of the week, student of the week. But
it's like interesting, like you can have a lot of
growth when you fucking do the thing.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Yeah, you know, as we've been out for a few
years now, what is it seven years? I don't know.
It's like, God, I feel like such a different person.
But I've also like we've experienced so many ups and downs.
We've experienced a lot of pain that I had never
experienced before in my life with relationships, you know, Like
(21:23):
I've said, I would have been devastated had Tom and
I broke it up. Me too.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
I prayed that we never would.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
Yeah, so, but I never I never experienced that kind
of loss with the man like the relationships and breakups
that I had were just kind of like okay, and
so now to it's like you're just learning so much
about yourself. But also it's like I never learned because
I never had that experience before. I never learned how
(21:49):
to process a breakup. I never learned how to let
a person go or let go of the pain that
I was killing, you know, like and the pain I
feel like is the last thing that is your attachment
to your past relationship.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
Thank you, Thank you for saying that.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
It's like if you don't want to let it go,
because it's like the one thing that kept you that
still keeps you a little connected to that person.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
Yeah, And it's like childbirth. That's another thing my therapist said.
She's like people tend to look back and whatever life
stage they were in, Like a lot of what you
reach for is like a stable time that you like
only remember the good. It's like childbirth, you only remember
how wonderful it was and this newborn baby, but it's like.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
The truth is there was you almost died that.
Speaker 1 (22:38):
So it's like I think also like to your point,
like letting go and being open and like you might
lose like you might you know, I have a lot
of pain ahead of me, I'm sure, but I also
have a lot of repairing to do, and I feel
like I'm just going to risk it, you know, like
I'm already doing things I never would have done before
(23:02):
and it's important to me. Otherwise I'm going to end
up in a situation of unhappiness at my own doing.
Like I think, when you get hurt, you tend to
not then then you're you're guarded. I know it's so cliche.
I'm guarded. I've been hurt, But the truth is when
you have been hurt, you do start to you have walls. Yeah,
(23:23):
And so it's like I feel myself in situations now
where I'm like, ah, do I say the thing or
do I not say the thing? I better not say
the thing? Yeah, where it's like say the fucking thing. Yeah,
So I guess like that is that's the work.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
Yeah, And I'm ment it but also naming all these
things too, like why are you guarded? You know, like
why why is it scary to open up someone new?
Like what do you think is going to happen? What
is it from your past that seems familiar? Right?
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Totally? What's the monster identified.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
Yeah, like no, and you know I've said time and
time again with the people that I've dated that I've
had to tell them like what these are certain things
that are my triggers, you know, telling me that you're done,
telling me to have a good day, and then not
talking to me, like giving me the silent treatment. Those
are two major things that I'm like this, this will
send me down a path that I don't want to
(24:12):
go down. Yeah, you know, but I also have to
like learn how to deal with that, right, you know.
I can't. My partner can't or future partner can't be
expected to censor themselves in every fucking way because I
have a past.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
I also don't want to be the person who's like
and I'm this as I am this person, but who's
so codependent on my partner's mood or EBB and flow
or like if they go quiet, my day is like
racked and I'm worried, Like I need to get to
a place of such peace inside myself that I'm not
regulating with someone else's day.
Speaker 2 (24:47):
Yeah. Absolutely, I think that's a huge part of healing too,
is Yeah, I have a friend that's doing some therapy
right now, like hard stuff, and she has said there's
days where she's just like I I after a session,
She's like, I can barely even get through my work day,
you know, I need to be quiet at the end
of the day, right, And it's I think that's so important.
(25:08):
It's to just be able to say, like, you know what,
like I'm going to just take the night to myself
and relax a little bit, watch TV, put my nervous system. Yeah,
and not have to like you're saying, like, not have
to worry about a partner or a friend or whatever
that also needs your your emotions, yeah, you know, and
just be like I gotta take a beat.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
And they may not even need it. Like sometimes what
I noticed is like I will be anxious on them
and then I'm like kind of freaking out, and then
I see them and they're like, hey, what's up. And
I'm like, wait what.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
Yeah, we're okay, We're okay.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
Yeah, why wouldn't we be oh, all right cool?
Speaker 2 (25:45):
You're like, well, you didn't text me for six hours or.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
Six hours I thought you died. So I think, like,
I don't know, it's exciting to like at least know
the work. Like I think I've been in such a
state of like I wasn't even sure what was wrong
with me.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
Yeah, and I feel like, truthfully.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
I've been out of alignment, like I'm just not I
haven't been my true self, which my true self is,
I mean, you know, my true self. I'm in bed
at ten thirty. I am very regimend like I feel
like I haven't been that woman in a minute, and
I need to like be that woman because it is
who I am.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
I think you need to find a balance of it. Yeah,
you know, because I think one of the things that
has been really beneficial to you over the past year
is making friends in us, you know, spending more time
in the community. True, and I think that's brought you
probably some of the most joy yeah, in the past year.
But I think you do, like you're saying, it's like
(26:43):
you also need to like keep your there's nice in
your piece where you have.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
That and it's even like it doesn't have you can
have community in the day. You can have community and
still get a good night's sleep. It doesn't have to
involve alcohol. It doesn't have to involve I smoked pot
last night. Oh really, you know I know that well,
you know I never smoked yeah, ever, I mean sometimes
and so I did it and I literally was like,
are you sure this is not laced with fetnl?
Speaker 2 (27:09):
Oh my god, that's hilarious. Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
I can't tell though. I couldn't tell, but I did
feel like heavy eyes and relaxed. Yeah, But I was like,
I just I don't even know that that's for me.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
You know, I kind of go back and forth with it.
I don't really do it that frequently at all. Like
I had a hit off of a babe yesterday during
Second Friday, and it like it bit, you know, like yeah,
I was like coughing off of this one little hit
that I took and I was very small, and I'm like, god,
why did I just do that?
Speaker 1 (27:44):
You know?
Speaker 2 (27:45):
Yeah, it wasn't really necessary right right right, But I
I like time and time again, I'm like, this is
so much better when you're at home, yes, you.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
Know, yeah, in like a chill, total chill environment.
Speaker 2 (27:58):
Really the thing I don't I know a lot of
people do it in public now I said this, I
said the sands and stuff. But it's just like, God,
I just I prefer to be at home sitting on
my couch watching some TV or something while doing.
Speaker 1 (28:10):
This, I get too paranoid. I literally the first thing
out of my mouth was, are you sure this isn't
laced fi? Oh my god.
Speaker 2 (28:14):
I did not feel that way because it was from Colorado,
I know. But according to the drug person I know, they.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
Bought that pot in Boston at a dispensary and got
completely had to call nine one one.
Speaker 2 (28:28):
Wait what, Yeah, have I heard the story so her?
Speaker 1 (28:33):
I mean, I don't know if this is we won't
say who it is. Yeah, a friend of ours got
had someone who was at a festival had smoked pot
from a dispensary in Boston, so, you know, a place,
and got so sick that they like couldn't stand up
and essentially they had to get the paramedics.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
And yeah, wow and terrible. So have you ever been
to one of these dispensaries?
Speaker 1 (28:58):
Yeah, millions of Please.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
Dude, they're so well run like boutique. It is. It's
amazing to me. I love it. I think it's brilliant.
And really, I mean the tax dollars that are brought
in from it are incredible. Like why all fifty states
are not doing this, I don't know, but it is scary,
like you're saying It's like that shit can be potent,
you know, I know.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
Either is it potent or is it like something was
in it.
Speaker 2 (29:22):
I wouldn't think that something was in it. But I
think it depends on how much you take some of
that stuff, like even taking it like a gummy or
like the candies and stuff like, you can have too much. God.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
There was a.
Speaker 2 (29:36):
Story, like a news story that circulated years ago where
this guy who's like a police officer and he had
taken some of like the confiscated like marijuana, oh shit,
and like him and his wife I think smoked it
and they got so fucked up. I think it was
laced with something that they thought they were dying. Yes,
and they called nine one one.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
I have a friend this happened too.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
And like nine one one call is like, maam, I
think we're dead. I think we're dead. It's like he
only got busted because of the fact that they call
one one Holy shit.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
Yeah, well you know what you know who now that
I'm thinking about it, our friend make me a ham sandwich.
She had an experience where she got really sick. Yeah,
or just like overly, I just it's not for me.
Speaker 2 (30:20):
No, I had Yeah, I know, some people that have
gotten sick off of like mushrooms and stuff. Yeah, because
that's another thing where it's like you've got to do
it correctly. You need to eat yea, And yeah, she
was like, this is not good.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
Do you cough when you smoke?
Speaker 2 (30:37):
That's the thing I don't usually, but that hit, that
the one little hit that I took last night, I
started coughing, like right as Jamie came outside too to
say hi to me, And I'm like, God, like, it
makes me cough so much that I am I doing
this well, Like, that's the thing I don't like about
it too, is like the act of smoking, Like it's
so bad. The way it makes my lungs feel. It's
(30:59):
terrible for your fucking lungs. Like, it is terrible. I
can I took a This was a few years ago,
but I was smoking a joint or something and I
took a deep inhale and I could feel the celia.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It just gives me the creep.
Speaker 2 (31:17):
But I was also very impressed with myself that in
that moment that I knew the word celia in the
seventh grade. Really off. I like that, But it is
that you can feel it and so I don't know.
It's like it's one of those things like I said,
I'll do like very very occasionally. But actually when I
was moving, I was cleaning out stuff and I found
(31:38):
all this stuff I bought in Colorado that I never
even used.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
I know, I always have pot here for you guys,
but I never smoke it.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
Yeah, Like I had like vape pins that had to
throw away because they were all like stuck. But I
don't know, it's just it doesn't it doesn't really appeal
to me that much.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
I know. And it's like I feel, like I said
that last night, I'm like, does this doesn't feel like
it would be fun to do out? I was lame.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
Yeah not out? Yeah, Like like I said, I'll do
like maybe like a little hit out. But if we're
sitting down and smoking, yeah I need to. But would
you be like in a controlled environment?
Speaker 1 (32:12):
You do? I've seen you and I need to, like
you need to. I know, I seriously am thinking about that.
I literally was like, who is this person?
Speaker 2 (32:20):
Oh god?
Speaker 1 (32:21):
It so I couldn't wait till that night was over.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
Oh no, but you couldn't tell me to shut up?
Speaker 1 (32:29):
No. I was like just get to ten thirty, where
I can go to bed. I can blink the lights
to get these fuckers out of here. How do we
end this night? Somebody? Last night I was telling the
story about when I you ordered beer to my house
in a tornado and there was a fridge full of
beer outside.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
Oh my god, I know, yeah, but I think it
didn't even show up. It was like there was a storm.
It was like the fact that I even like.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
Had the wherewithal to order it.
Speaker 2 (32:56):
Like, yeah, poor door dash driver, go drive the in
the tornado.
Speaker 1 (33:01):
Yeah, s'er ridiculous. Okay, So everybody, two things. One, get vulnerable.
Tell your people how you feel. Don't learn learn from
my mistake, Like, get raw, do the thing, no matter how, name.
Speaker 2 (33:18):
The feeling, really name them. Yes, get uncomfortable, like and
they where's your anxiety?
Speaker 1 (33:24):
Yeah, yes, identify that and then come see us in Seattle.
Speaker 2 (33:28):
Yes, absolutely, come.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
To Seattle October eighteenth. Get your tickets. That's the last week.
Come We're gonna have so much fun.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
And October eighteenth, yes, twenty twenty five for those people
who are listening in the future.
Speaker 1 (33:40):
A week from today.
Speaker 2 (33:43):
And yeah, so anybody that's really in the Pacific Northwest.
There's multiple cities in that area where you can drive
to Seattle very easily, totally.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
And stay at where what's our hotel called Silver.
Speaker 2 (33:55):
Something, silver Cloud, silver Cloud.
Speaker 1 (33:58):
Come stay at the hotel. We're gonna have blast. Everything's
pretty walkable and October eighteenth, we cannot wait to see you.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
Yeah, very exciting. All right, Hi, guys, I want to
support the Lesbian Chronicles podcast. Rate us and write a
review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
Speaker 1 (34:17):
We'd love listener feedback. If you'd like to share your story,
email us at Melissa and Ali at gmail dot com.
That's Melissa M. E. L I s A and Ali
A L l I at gmail dot com. Or follow
us on Instagram at Lesbian Chronicles
I'm Ali. I came out after twenty years of marriage
and I have three kids.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
I'm Melissa and I have two kids, and I came
out at thirty seven after an eleven year marriage.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
This podcast is about coming out later and the struggles
and victories that come with it.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
When coming out feels like the end of the world,
but it's really just the beginning.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
This is the Lesbian Chronicles less Youse hand like a
zen moment where we're open for business. H I have
to deep breaths.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
You were, yeah, working through it today.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
We're working through it today. That anxiety is real.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Dude, It's wild. I know, let's take over your life.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
I remember when I would go to therapy and she
would tell me, do you feel it in your stomach
or your chest? And I've always had no idea what
she was talking about. Now I feel it in my stomach.
I know the anxiety. I know what it is, and
it's like I feel it come on. It's like a
heat in my stomach that I can't it's so pervasive.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Yeah, it is, and it makes it so that you
cannot eat.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Yeah, you cannot eat. I have no appetite. Yeah, but
I'm starving. Yeah, starving, hungry.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
You have to go for like what's got calories in it?
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Yeah, that's what I mean. Last night I did chips
and salsa and I I mean, I was like car bloating,
but I am literally starving. But nothing sounds good.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
It's rough out there. But we have something exciting yes
with Seattle, So I'm really getting excited about this. I'm like,
we were really pulling this.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
When we first talked about it. I'm like, eh, we
probably won't do it, and it's like each week that
went buy them, like wait a minute, wait a minute,
we're doing it.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
I mean, let's be real, we wouldn't be able to
do it without our tea with Rachel's.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Oh yeah, there's zero chances. Zero chant you and I
can't get shipp done. No, let me tell you guys
something about Melissa and I. We bought all this equipment
all i' mean expensive, expensive recording equipment to do videos.
We did it one time. We couldn't figure it out.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
Okay, well we did figure it out. We just didn't
figure out the audio. One hundred audio sucks. But also
we've been busy, like we haven't had time to shoot more.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
I know, but it's like my mom always says, if
you want to get something done, ask a busy person.
Busy people get shipped done.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
You know, I usually work better under pressure when there's
like a timeline deadline.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Like today, we should be doing that instead of what
you're doing, which is partying.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
It's Pride weekends.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
True, it's true.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
It is Pride week in Atlanta and interested, but honestly,
this is like the least excited I've been for Pride,
like ever since coming out. Yeah, I'm just tired, and
I'm like I went to Second Friday last night. That
was fun. Met some listeners shout out to Kate. Oh yeah, Chelsea.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
I know I heard Katie and Chelsea. I heard y'all
have the lesbian chronicles hats on. This is like, you
guys deserve huge props. I love that. When when she
told me that, I literally like was like, they're fucking amazing.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
It was really cool.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Yeah, and actually this is a good time. We're gonna
have a storytelling situation in Seattle, and you guys were
the first people we thought about for a story that
we're going to share in Seattle, if it's okay with you,
because we laughed so hard at your walk in the
wood than walking in the woods.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
It's like, oh, she mentioned something last night too, like, yeah,
I thought it was perfectly normal to shower with my friends.
I'm like, this is not normal.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
Oh boy.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
But yeah, they were really sweet. It was great to
meet them in person.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
I bet so. Yeah, that's amazing. I'm sorry that I
missed it, but I'm having a quiet I've decided to
have a quiet Pride where I'm going to do none
of the Pride activities.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Yeah, I'm doing minimal. I'm going to do walk in
the park today and just look around, get a porch
fest later that's not really Pride related. But then the
parade tomorrow. Cool. So I like it getting quiet. Yeah,
I'm getting super quiet over here. But also, I mean Seattle,
I know is going to be non stuff. We're only
there for two days. I know it's going to be
super quick.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
But you guys, please get tickets. Come out. We are
so pumped. The show is going to be amazing. We
have a sex therapist who's killer, and then we also
have Perry Voss who's an incredible storyteller Award winner and
she's awesome and we cannot wait to meet you all.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Yeah, it's going to be a blast, and it's just
a great opportunity for people to meet other people totally,
Like it's such a hard world to dive into, navigate
and make friends, and this is your chance.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
I mean, and we should say also that we learned
last week. The Social Queer is going to host the
first hour of the event and there's going to be
a question situation where you're given a question and you
have to go into the room and find people to
answer the question, so that you have to meet new people.
So if this is the event, if you are alone,
(05:03):
this is the time. Yeah, like, this is the thing.
Do not sweat it, get a ticket, show up.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
And you're gonna have like guidance along the time.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
You're gonna be guidance. Even I could do this and
I do nothing alone.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
And then afterwards the DJ and.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
Afterwards all the DJ and if you want to show
off flex your muscles, we're gonna have you guys moving chairs.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
Oh yeah, I mean, I'm like we should time this
or like do like a time lapse video, es, like
what happens when you ask lesbians to move chairs?
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Exactly? How fast can how fast? How many lesbians does
it take.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
They're all gonna be like hell. Yeah. It reminds me
being in like uh, elementary or middle school, like where
the boys are all asked to help, but like you
want to help.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
You really want to help, and you know you can
do it better exactly.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Yeah, it's like the girls are never asked.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
It's true. It's so do you think about like how
pervasive that is in a childhood of like just like
what you said, like, imagine you go fifteen years, the
girls are never asked. To your point, the dad gets
the check. I remember being little and always watching them
just automatically give the check to my dad. It's like
giving him all the power my whole life. I'm watching this, Yeah,
(06:13):
and it's just like how can that not have such
a profound impact on who we become?
Speaker 2 (06:18):
I know it's it's and just being told too, like
boys only do certain things, girls only do certain things.
Like that's one of the drivers for me with I've
been taking drum lessons. Like I when I was in
like middle school, my older brother was on drumline. He
was in high school already, and I was like, dude,
(06:39):
this is so cool. I want to do this when
I get to high school. But it was like, no,
girls don't play the drums, like girls are not on
drumline crazy, and so I was like, oh, well, damn,
like I can't do that. Yeah, it's like you know,
you can do it, and you can do it at
any point in your life learn how to do new shit.
But yeah, it is such a message that is driven
(07:00):
to kids. Yeah, boys do this, girls do that, and
it's really fucking annoying.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
It's really fucking annoying. And let me tell you a
recent one. My ex husband, who is a total quote
unquote feminist, progressive, massively liberal man. Okay, the other a
couple of weeks ago, I put together like an Excel spreadsheet,
and I should give a shout out to Marianna because
she actually did the spreadsheet. But I put together an
(07:25):
Excel spreadsheet and he literally looked at it and he
was like, this is like nice girl, girl math.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Wait what yes?
Speaker 1 (07:33):
And it was all right, like the kuwait, it was
completely accurate. He's like, this is girl math, girl math? Yeah?
Have you ever heard this? Yeah, I've heard of it
in the sense of like you can't do math, right,
yeah girl math? Nice girl math?
Speaker 2 (07:47):
Like is in I've always heard of it like, Okay,
I returned the shirt, so now I have fifty dollars
to spend. Okay, yeah, where it's like, you really don't
have fifty dollars, No, you spent the.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Original fifty dollars.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
No.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
He was basically saying this is never going to be right,
and it was totally right. And so what did I
immediately do?
Speaker 2 (08:06):
Proved him wrong?
Speaker 1 (08:07):
Well, proved him wrong, but then also told his really
radically feminist.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
She like told him she's like never fucking again, dad,
Like that is bad.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
Yeah, anyway, that is a thing where like girls are
like said to be bad at math.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
Math?
Speaker 2 (08:26):
Was I just told that I was bad at math?
Speaker 1 (08:28):
That's what I'm saying. I don't. It's just like it's sick.
But my point is like if he can say that
and he's like, mister liberal feminist, come on, it's like
it's ingrained.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
It is. It really is, and it's I mean I've
definitely tried to like undo that with or you know,
present that to my kids off like that's not the case. No,
you can do whatever you want, you know. It was great.
Was when Caylen was probably like around four years old,
she asked me if boys could be could be doctors.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
Oh my god. Fuck yeah, Like this is amazing.
Speaker 2 (09:00):
I never encountered a mail dogar did.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
You respond, No, they can be nurses.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
That would have been amazing.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
Oh god, oh lord. But again, like that's another pervasive
thing you grow up with. You go to the doctor
and then there's the nurse. Yeah, you know, the teachers
are women. Like it's it's really it's shocking that we're
even where you and I are now because my entire
childhood was my dad ran the show. He had all
the money, he had all the power, and my mom
went along for the ride.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
Yeah. Period, who gets the check when you're out on
a date? I like, where does the server put it down,
like in front of you or I don't know.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
I always feel like whenever I'm in that kind of situation,
I'm in a race to pay it against them. So
it's like both of us like quickly trying to get it.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
So I don't know, I haven't been on that many dates.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Yeah, I mean, yeah you have. I mean you have,
like with your former partners and stuff.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Yeah, I think I'm always in a race to pay
it because I feel like I don't know. It's also
a weird thing I'm coming into where I'm like, I
feel like I have to be a certain way. Like
I'm reading this book that j Doctor Jamie gave me,
and it's about like family systems and like how you
grow up. And everybody has different what they call like exiles,
(10:20):
parts of yourself that you've like buried away. But that's
like eat it, you mine, you know. I talk about
mine like I have abandonment stuff, But I also have
this thing where like I can't fully ever let my
guard down, or like I have to get the bill,
I have to do the thing. I have to like
be sure I'm secure with my people. You know this.
(10:41):
I check in with you sometimes, like dude, you good,
Like you don't do that as much. But it's my exile,
Like I have to work on this shit and it
comes up for me a ton, and so I think,
like even paying the check for me is like part
of that like need to be I don't even know
if it's like in control or like keep I don't know.
(11:04):
I don't know what it is.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
I don't know either. That's interesting because I can't say
that I'm ever like I mean, most of the time
I'm on a date or something and we're like splitting it,
but it is most of the time it's put in
front of me, and.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
That's a good feeling.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
Well, it's just kind of funny, like it's like, well,
it's like I'm the man one. You know, it's the
masculine energy kind of thing.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
If they put it in front of you, then how
do you then say to the person you're splitting it? Like,
if they put it in front of me, I'm not
being like give me your credit card, you just scowed
it to the middle.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
No, I mean I'll be I'll ask if they want
to split it, if if that's what I have in mind,
or I'll just take care.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
Of it, yeah, or say you get next time the
assumed clothes, or you can ven me you can. If
somebody said that to me, I would be like, wait, what.
Speaker 2 (11:50):
Is this single?
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Yeah, that's fucking awful.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
No, I wouldn't do that.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
I know you wouldn't.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
I know you wouldn't. Not for real.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
Do you ever like do the thing where you're like
I'll get it knowing that like maybe that means there's
another date because then they'll get it.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Uh No, I'm not really Okay. It's like dating is
so weird to me because maybe this kind of can
lead into our topic, but it's weird to me in
the sense of, like I feel like I don't need
to do more than like three dates with someone to
know whether or not I really want to like invest
more time. Okay, So it's not like I wouldn't even
(12:30):
say three, I would say I would know after like two, yeah,
and then but it's like you you decide you're going
to invest that time with someone, but it's not like
guaranteed that you're running off and getting married. But I
feel like that's the expectation at our age when you
date for more than like a month or two.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Yeah, it's true. It's definitely true. I feel like too
for someone like me who has like I'm learning intimacy
issues where like I can't I'm recognizing these things over
the last month about myself where it's like I can't
fully be there. So it's like I'm not really getting
to know you that well for a long time because
(13:10):
I'm not comfortable, like even like this is like way
t am I, but like even being like completely having
all my clothes off feels very vulnerable to me, and
I am not body conscious at all like I'm happy
with my body. I don't have any of those feelings,
and I still can't just like be completely at ease
(13:33):
for a long time, and so I end up, I think,
missing out on awesome stuff because I can't just be
vulnerable and like let my guard down.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
That's interesting because I like I felt that way. Like
when I was with with men, I felt really uncomfortable.
I was always like, give me the blankets, you know,
like that kind of thing. I feel that so much
less so with women, But initially, like with coming out,
I was like, God, women are probably likely judge of
other women's bodies, and like that has not been the case. Yeah,
(14:05):
I feel like there's like an understanding, you know, like
we've done hard ship.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
Yeah, grown babies, babies like sucking on our boob years.
When I think about that, like I with three kids,
they each nurse for two years each man, so for
six years. Yeah, I had babies sucking on me. You
can't expect my nipples and boobs exactly anymore.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
I did it for three years because both of mine,
and yeah, I was I remember during that time being
like I'm gonna have to have this is prepair, Like
this is not gonna end well, and they're you know,
it's like it's a baby, but they're fucking rough with it.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
They are rough, like they are rough your nipples and
too they have teeth.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
They have fucking teeth. Yeah, and they will test you totally.
I like have it burned in my brain of Breckon
looking me directly in the eyeballs and pulling as hard
as he could, and I had to just sit there
and be like, don't react because if you react, they're
gonna want to do it again. Yeah. It was like
(15:09):
being in like a fucking torture.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
I know.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
You know, did you ever have.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
The thing where you had what is it mestitis where
your boobs get really hard, get hard and huge and clogged.
It was like the worst pain ever.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
It is so bad.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
You know.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
What helped was cabbage leaves. I know I did that,
But then I'm like I got the cabbage leaves and
I was like, God, this is the best feeling on
the planet. But then I read that can reduce your
milk supply.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
With gold. God, did you take such pride in your
milk in the friend? I really did, Like that is
like gold.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
I treated that ship like it was actual gold. It
was like, do not spill it and careful he did
ever try like it does. I had like this long
list of directions for any time that someone was watching
my kids totally, and it was like I think Tom knew.
It's like if he had spilled any or ruined it,
he just should not tell me.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
Don't tell me.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
I would have lost my ship.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
No, I had like milk for months in the yeah,
and so crazy.
Speaker 2 (16:10):
Brecken was like he had really bad acid reflex so
he a lot and I would just be like.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
No, it's so true. That is so true. But all
that to say, like, yeah, my boobs have been through
fucking war and it's but it's also like I just
don't care when it comes to a woman like looking
any particular way.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Like I think it's been just beautiful. It's really beautiful.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
But it's like for me, like I can't get that vulnerable.
So it's like people, I end up missing out on
people because.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
Like missing out on like cuddling or.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Like just even I can do that, but it's like
just like to cry in front of somebody for me
is like I hate it.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
I'm the same way.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
Yeah, but I have friends who just will like start bawling.
I mean, I have cried more in the last probably
a couple of weeks that I remember crying in a
long time.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
Yeah, I was the same way. I felt like I
could not really cry except for like certain topics would
get me going going, but other stuff I felt so
numb too. It was like almost as if like all
my emotions were forced into this one thing, and then
so everything else didn't get that level of emotion, like
I was just closed off.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
Yeah, and then you know, I, oh my god, that's interesting.
I need to remember you said that.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
And I started taking lexapro I think, okay for like
a couple months, but that made me have no feelings.
And then I stopped taking it, and it was like floodgates.
I was like suddenly able to like feel emotions and process.
This was like what August I think September that I
was finally able to like to start processing and like
(17:53):
crying and like thinking, really thinking about my my the
breakup that I just had a couple months ago. Oh yeah,
you know, I wasn't able to like fully process that
stuff in the moment. It's really wild, I think too.
Speaker 1 (18:06):
Like what you said about you were so focused on
one thing that it's like you couldn't deal with the
other things.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
I think that is what has been happening to me
over the last couple of months, where I was so
destabilized from what was happening in my relationship with my
ex husband that we can go into in another episode,
that it became like I couldn't even deal with the
other shit I had going on because this was so
pervasive in my heart and mind. And now, I mean,
(18:33):
I've been going to therapy and I feel like I've
learned so much about myself just in the past like month. Yeah,
but one of the things she said is that growing
up with an alcoholic and having like abandonment issues and
just my intimacy issues in general, because I protect myself.
She's like, you do you have your in situations where
it's fight or flight, And she's like, you flight a
(18:55):
lot of times instead of staying in it. And fight
doesn't mean fighting with someone. Can just mean I'm going
to sit here and be really raw in front of you,
and it might get ugly. I might be crying, i
might be saying things that are really uncomfortable because I'm hurting.
But it's like instead of doing that and like sitting
in it, I flight, yeah because for whatever reason. Maybe
(19:16):
it's because I have this other huge issue that's been
taxing me that I couldn't do the other issues. It's
compartmentalizing and it's costing me my happiness. Yeah, and it's
like I can't keep doing this absolutely, so I think
that is where my work is and I feel like
I'm doing it.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
I mean, I'm well you are, and I think another
positive that you didn't necessarily want to do, but insurance
purposes and all that stuff. You've switched therapists, right, yeah,
and I think you know, I've been seeing the same
therapists for a few years now. I really adore her.
I haven't gotten in a while, but I think it it.
(19:56):
I've actually been debating, like maybe I need to find
someone new, and I I think it kind of gives
you a fresh perspective, a fresh take. There's different They
have different methods and different you know, information to give you.
It's true, same story, but different approach.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
And even just identifying the flight, like I had just
done that in a situation and it cost me dearly. Yeah,
but it's like she told me, you're the only loser. Yeah,
Like you lose. You should have sat there and sat
in it and do the thing, start bawling, who the
fuck cares? Yeah, like instead of getting up and just
(20:30):
calling it because you're too fucking scared to like get
into it. And I just now. She's like, I want
you to write about like what it would feel like
if you didn't flight, if you sat in it, What
would that look like and what would it feel like?
Like write it down? Which I did. I do every
exercise she gives me. I do it like I'll like
(20:51):
the student of the week, student of the week. But
it's like interesting, like you can have a lot of
growth when you fucking do the thing.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Yeah, you know, as we've been out for a few
years now, what is it seven years? I don't know.
It's like, God, I feel like such a different person.
But I've also like we've experienced so many ups and downs.
We've experienced a lot of pain that I had never
experienced before in my life with relationships, you know, Like
(21:23):
I've said, I would have been devastated had Tom and
I broke it up. Me too.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
I prayed that we never would.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
Yeah, so, but I never I never experienced that kind
of loss with the man like the relationships and breakups
that I had were just kind of like okay, and
so now to it's like you're just learning so much
about yourself. But also it's like I never learned because
I never had that experience before. I never learned how
(21:49):
to process a breakup. I never learned how to let
a person go or let go of the pain that
I was killing, you know, like and the pain I
feel like is the last thing that is your attachment
to your past relationship.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
Thank you, Thank you for saying that.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
It's like if you don't want to let it go,
because it's like the one thing that kept you that
still keeps you a little connected to that person.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
Yeah, And it's like childbirth. That's another thing my therapist said.
She's like people tend to look back and whatever life
stage they were in, Like a lot of what you
reach for is like a stable time that you like
only remember the good. It's like childbirth, you only remember
how wonderful it was and this newborn baby, but it's like.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
The truth is there was you almost died that.
Speaker 1 (22:38):
So it's like I think also like to your point,
like letting go and being open and like you might
lose like you might you know, I have a lot
of pain ahead of me, I'm sure, but I also
have a lot of repairing to do, and I feel
like I'm just going to risk it, you know, like
I'm already doing things I never would have done before
(23:02):
and it's important to me. Otherwise I'm going to end
up in a situation of unhappiness at my own doing.
Like I think, when you get hurt, you tend to
not then then you're you're guarded. I know it's so cliche.
I'm guarded. I've been hurt, But the truth is when
you have been hurt, you do start to you have walls. Yeah,
(23:23):
And so it's like I feel myself in situations now
where I'm like, ah, do I say the thing or
do I not say the thing? I better not say
the thing? Yeah, where it's like say the fucking thing. Yeah,
So I guess like that is that's the work.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
Yeah, And I'm ment it but also naming all these
things too, like why are you guarded? You know, like
why why is it scary to open up someone new?
Like what do you think is going to happen? What
is it from your past that seems familiar? Right?
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Totally? What's the monster identified.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
Yeah, like no, and you know I've said time and
time again with the people that I've dated that I've
had to tell them like what these are certain things
that are my triggers, you know, telling me that you're done,
telling me to have a good day, and then not
talking to me, like giving me the silent treatment. Those
are two major things that I'm like this, this will
send me down a path that I don't want to
(24:12):
go down. Yeah, you know, but I also have to
like learn how to deal with that, right, you know.
I can't. My partner can't or future partner can't be
expected to censor themselves in every fucking way because I
have a past.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
I also don't want to be the person who's like
and I'm this as I am this person, but who's
so codependent on my partner's mood or EBB and flow
or like if they go quiet, my day is like
racked and I'm worried, Like I need to get to
a place of such peace inside myself that I'm not
regulating with someone else's day.
Speaker 2 (24:47):
Yeah. Absolutely, I think that's a huge part of healing too,
is Yeah, I have a friend that's doing some therapy
right now, like hard stuff, and she has said there's
days where she's just like I I after a session,
She's like, I can barely even get through my work day,
you know, I need to be quiet at the end
of the day, right, And it's I think that's so important.
(25:08):
It's to just be able to say, like, you know what,
like I'm going to just take the night to myself
and relax a little bit, watch TV, put my nervous system. Yeah,
and not have to like you're saying, like, not have
to worry about a partner or a friend or whatever
that also needs your your emotions, yeah, you know, and
just be like I gotta take a beat.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
And they may not even need it. Like sometimes what
I noticed is like I will be anxious on them
and then I'm like kind of freaking out, and then
I see them and they're like, hey, what's up. And
I'm like, wait what.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
Yeah, we're okay, We're okay.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
Yeah, why wouldn't we be oh, all right cool?
Speaker 2 (25:45):
You're like, well, you didn't text me for six hours or.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
Six hours I thought you died. So I think, like,
I don't know, it's exciting to like at least know
the work. Like I think I've been in such a
state of like I wasn't even sure what was wrong
with me.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
Yeah, and I feel like, truthfully.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
I've been out of alignment, like I'm just not I
haven't been my true self, which my true self is,
I mean, you know, my true self. I'm in bed
at ten thirty. I am very regimend like I feel
like I haven't been that woman in a minute, and
I need to like be that woman because it is
who I am.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
I think you need to find a balance of it. Yeah,
you know, because I think one of the things that
has been really beneficial to you over the past year
is making friends in us, you know, spending more time
in the community. True, and I think that's brought you
probably some of the most joy yeah, in the past year.
But I think you do, like you're saying, it's like
(26:43):
you also need to like keep your there's nice in
your piece where you have.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
That and it's even like it doesn't have you can
have community in the day. You can have community and
still get a good night's sleep. It doesn't have to
involve alcohol. It doesn't have to involve I smoked pot
last night. Oh really, you know I know that well,
you know I never smoked yeah, ever, I mean sometimes
and so I did it and I literally was like,
are you sure this is not laced with fetnl?
Speaker 2 (27:09):
Oh my god, that's hilarious. Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
I can't tell though. I couldn't tell, but I did
feel like heavy eyes and relaxed. Yeah, But I was like,
I just I don't even know that that's for me.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
You know, I kind of go back and forth with it.
I don't really do it that frequently at all. Like
I had a hit off of a babe yesterday during
Second Friday, and it like it bit, you know, like yeah,
I was like coughing off of this one little hit
that I took and I was very small, and I'm like, god,
why did I just do that?
Speaker 1 (27:44):
You know?
Speaker 2 (27:45):
Yeah, it wasn't really necessary right right right, But I
I like time and time again, I'm like, this is
so much better when you're at home, yes, you.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
Know, yeah, in like a chill, total chill environment.
Speaker 2 (27:58):
Really the thing I don't I know a lot of
people do it in public now I said this, I
said the sands and stuff. But it's just like, God,
I just I prefer to be at home sitting on
my couch watching some TV or something while doing.
Speaker 1 (28:10):
This, I get too paranoid. I literally the first thing
out of my mouth was, are you sure this isn't
laced fi? Oh my god.
Speaker 2 (28:14):
I did not feel that way because it was from Colorado,
I know. But according to the drug person I know, they.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
Bought that pot in Boston at a dispensary and got
completely had to call nine one one.
Speaker 2 (28:28):
Wait what, Yeah, have I heard the story so her?
Speaker 1 (28:33):
I mean, I don't know if this is we won't
say who it is. Yeah, a friend of ours got
had someone who was at a festival had smoked pot
from a dispensary in Boston, so, you know, a place,
and got so sick that they like couldn't stand up
and essentially they had to get the paramedics.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
And yeah, wow and terrible. So have you ever been
to one of these dispensaries?
Speaker 1 (28:58):
Yeah, millions of Please.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
Dude, they're so well run like boutique. It is. It's
amazing to me. I love it. I think it's brilliant.
And really, I mean the tax dollars that are brought
in from it are incredible. Like why all fifty states
are not doing this, I don't know, but it is scary,
like you're saying It's like that shit can be potent,
you know, I know.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
Either is it potent or is it like something was
in it.
Speaker 2 (29:22):
I wouldn't think that something was in it. But I
think it depends on how much you take some of
that stuff, like even taking it like a gummy or
like the candies and stuff like, you can have too much. God.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
There was a.
Speaker 2 (29:36):
Story, like a news story that circulated years ago where
this guy who's like a police officer and he had
taken some of like the confiscated like marijuana, oh shit,
and like him and his wife I think smoked it
and they got so fucked up. I think it was
laced with something that they thought they were dying. Yes,
and they called nine one one.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
I have a friend this happened too.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
And like nine one one call is like, maam, I
think we're dead. I think we're dead. It's like he
only got busted because of the fact that they call
one one Holy shit.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
Yeah, well you know what you know who now that
I'm thinking about it, our friend make me a ham sandwich.
She had an experience where she got really sick. Yeah,
or just like overly, I just it's not for me.
Speaker 2 (30:20):
No, I had Yeah, I know, some people that have
gotten sick off of like mushrooms and stuff. Yeah, because
that's another thing where it's like you've got to do
it correctly. You need to eat yea, And yeah, she
was like, this is not good.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
Do you cough when you smoke?
Speaker 2 (30:37):
That's the thing I don't usually, but that hit, that
the one little hit that I took last night, I
started coughing, like right as Jamie came outside too to
say hi to me, And I'm like, God, like, it
makes me cough so much that I am I doing
this well, Like, that's the thing I don't like about
it too, is like the act of smoking, Like it's
so bad. The way it makes my lungs feel. It's
(30:59):
terrible for your fucking lungs. Like, it is terrible. I
can I took a This was a few years ago,
but I was smoking a joint or something and I
took a deep inhale and I could feel the celia.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It just gives me the creep.
Speaker 2 (31:17):
But I was also very impressed with myself that in
that moment that I knew the word celia in the
seventh grade. Really off. I like that, But it is
that you can feel it and so I don't know.
It's like it's one of those things like I said,
I'll do like very very occasionally. But actually when I
was moving, I was cleaning out stuff and I found
(31:38):
all this stuff I bought in Colorado that I never
even used.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
I know, I always have pot here for you guys,
but I never smoke it.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
Yeah, Like I had like vape pins that had to
throw away because they were all like stuck. But I
don't know, it's just it doesn't it doesn't really appeal
to me that much.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
I know. And it's like I feel, like I said
that last night, I'm like, does this doesn't feel like
it would be fun to do out? I was lame.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
Yeah not out? Yeah, Like like I said, I'll do
like maybe like a little hit out. But if we're
sitting down and smoking, yeah I need to. But would
you be like in a controlled environment?
Speaker 1 (32:12):
You do? I've seen you and I need to, like
you need to. I know, I seriously am thinking about that.
I literally was like, who is this person?
Speaker 2 (32:20):
Oh god?
Speaker 1 (32:21):
It so I couldn't wait till that night was over.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
Oh no, but you couldn't tell me to shut up?
Speaker 1 (32:29):
No. I was like just get to ten thirty, where
I can go to bed. I can blink the lights
to get these fuckers out of here. How do we
end this night? Somebody? Last night I was telling the
story about when I you ordered beer to my house
in a tornado and there was a fridge full of
beer outside.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
Oh my god, I know, yeah, but I think it
didn't even show up. It was like there was a storm.
It was like the fact that I even like.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
Had the wherewithal to order it.
Speaker 2 (32:56):
Like, yeah, poor door dash driver, go drive the in
the tornado.
Speaker 1 (33:01):
Yeah, s'er ridiculous. Okay, So everybody, two things. One, get vulnerable.
Tell your people how you feel. Don't learn learn from
my mistake, Like, get raw, do the thing, no matter how, name.
Speaker 2 (33:18):
The feeling, really name them. Yes, get uncomfortable, like and
they where's your anxiety?
Speaker 1 (33:24):
Yeah, yes, identify that and then come see us in Seattle.
Speaker 2 (33:28):
Yes, absolutely, come.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
To Seattle October eighteenth. Get your tickets. That's the last week.
Come We're gonna have so much fun.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
And October eighteenth, yes, twenty twenty five for those people
who are listening in the future.
Speaker 1 (33:40):
A week from today.
Speaker 2 (33:43):
And yeah, so anybody that's really in the Pacific Northwest.
There's multiple cities in that area where you can drive
to Seattle very easily, totally.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
And stay at where what's our hotel called Silver.
Speaker 2 (33:55):
Something, silver Cloud, silver Cloud.
Speaker 1 (33:58):
Come stay at the hotel. We're gonna have blast. Everything's
pretty walkable and October eighteenth, we cannot wait to see you.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
Yeah, very exciting. All right, Hi, guys, I want to
support the Lesbian Chronicles podcast. Rate us and write a
review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
Speaker 1 (34:17):
We'd love listener feedback. If you'd like to share your story,
email us at Melissa and Ali at gmail dot com.
That's Melissa M. E. L I s A and Ali
A L l I at gmail dot com. Or follow
us on Instagram at Lesbian Chronicles
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Ruthie's Table 4
For more than 30 years The River Cafe in London, has been the home-from-home of artists, architects, designers, actors, collectors, writers, activists, and politicians. Michael Caine, Glenn Close, JJ Abrams, Steve McQueen, Victoria and David Beckham, and Lily Allen, are just some of the people who love to call The River Cafe home. On River Cafe Table 4, Rogers sits down with her customers—who have become friends—to talk about food memories. Table 4 explores how food impacts every aspect of our lives. “Foods is politics, food is cultural, food is how you express love, food is about your heritage, it defines who you and who you want to be,” says Rogers. Each week, Rogers invites her guest to reminisce about family suppers and first dates, what they cook, how they eat when performing, the restaurants they choose, and what food they seek when they need comfort. And to punctuate each episode of Table 4, guests such as Ralph Fiennes, Emily Blunt, and Alfonso Cuarón, read their favourite recipe from one of the best-selling River Cafe cookbooks. Table 4 itself, is situated near The River Cafe’s open kitchen, close to the bright pink wood-fired oven and next to the glossy yellow pass, where Ruthie oversees the restaurant. You are invited to take a seat at this intimate table and join the conversation. For more information, recipes, and ingredients, go to https://shoptherivercafe.co.uk/ Web: https://rivercafe.co.uk/ Instagram: www.instagram.com/therivercafelondon/ Facebook: https://en-gb.facebook.com/therivercafelondon/ For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iheartradio app, apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com