March 6, 2025 • 28 mins
In this episode, I dive into what I believe is the biggest lie we've been sold about emotions. I challenge the glossy magazine version of emotional wellness that tells us strong, successful people have mastered positive thinking and banished all those "negative" emotions.
What I Explore:
- Beyond the Happiness Trap: I share why our cultural obsession with being happy all the time is actually making us miserable. Research from 2017 confirms what I've learned the hard way: valuing happiness too highly leads to greater disappointment and unhappiness.
- A Fundamental Shift: I invite you to stop labeling emotions as "positive" or "negative" (which turns them into a moral issue) and instead ask: Is this emotion helpful or unhelpful right now? Is it driving me toward meaningful action?
- The Power in Discomfort:
- After my sister died in a preventable accident overseas, my anger wasn't "negative" – it became the fuel for creating change that might save other families from our pain
- I discuss how courage exists precisely because we feel fear first
- I share how grief research (including Brené Brown's work) shows our capacity to feel grief deeply directly correlates with our capacity for joy
- The 50/50 Principle: I explain what my coach Brooke Castillo taught me about accepting that life will be roughly 50% wonderful and 50% difficult – and how embracing this ratio stops us from "suffering about our suffering."
- Fulfillment vs. Happiness: I reveal what Harvard's longest-running study on adult development discovered: successful people aren't those who experience less pain, but those who've developed the capacity to feel all human emotions without self-judgment.
Want to get unstuck and finally feel in control again ? Schedule your FREE consult call with me here to learn more about how my 1:1 life coaching program can help you!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to okay. Now what?I'm your host, Kate Gladdin.
Episode 31.This is a show for people who
know life doesn't happen to you.Life happens,
and the impact it has is up to you.Hey there friends,
I'm excited to be recording thisfor you on a Saturday where it's
(00:23):
a bazillion degrees warmer than Iever thought it would have been.
Uh, a couple, uh, a couple ofdays ago, even last week, it was
-33 degrees. And then this week.And that's, uh, Celsius.
And now today and the past coupledays, it's been up around 17°C.
So it's like a 50 degree swing.So if you saw my post on, uh,
(00:44):
Instagram this week, I'm like,it's such a beautiful reminder
that you never know.You know,
no matter how hopeless or helplesssome things can feel sometimes you
never know when you just a moment,an opportunity, a day away from a
huge breakthrough that you neverwould have thought was coming.
I really think Mother Nature islike the best. The best life coach.
(01:06):
Uh, but she better not put meout of work any time soon.
Uh, because she can't reallytalk to us, of course.
Uh, nature and her lessons isher language.
Uh, but, uh, today I wanted to chatwith you about, um, the biggest lie.
I feel like we've been soldthroughout our life, particularly
in regards to our emotions.And I guess what the purpose of life
(01:30):
is, because, you know, we often from.Gosh, I can't remember how old I
was when I first saw, like,that quote where it's like, you know,
what's the purpose of life?And it's like to be happy.
And that sounds really nice andfluffy and lovely.
But if you think about, given thefact that we live in a world that is
filled with unpredictable challenges,unexpected adversity, it is actually
(01:55):
kind of completely in contrast or Iguess adverse to like if we always
want to be happy all the time.But this world is challenging or
getting through challenges isuncomfortable, then we actually
are setting ourselves up for apretty empty surface level life.
And I think more of us are gettingcaught in this trap of where we're
(02:19):
way more dopamine driven and seekingpleasure and comfort because it is
more available to us than ever with,you know, social media and Uber
Eats and DoorDash and Amazon,just like we don't even have to
freaking go to the shops anymore.I'm guilty of that, too.
It's like, why bother?Walmart delivery? It's got my back.
(02:41):
So we're able to put less andless effort or discomfort into
still getting some results.But as humans, we also have a
desire for for growth and fornovelty and to seek variety.
And so in a way,our pursuit of happiness is
actually making us more unhappy.We're not moving our bodies enough.
(03:01):
We're not using our brains problemsolving capacities as much.
We're not really stepping intoour full humanness.
And so, of course, it's like notreally going to fulfill us.
And I think after my, uh,after my sister died, I really
began to understand the differencebetween happiness and fulfillment.
(03:22):
Happiness was all about feeling good,while fulfillment is more about
feeling purpose,feeling connected to your own life,
which can come with moments ofcontentment but also comes with
a heck of a lot of discomfort.And I think about, you know,
we're being kind of sold thisglossy magazine version of what
is emotional wellness, right?One where, you know, strong,
(03:45):
successful people in their 30sand 40s have mastered the art of
positive thinking and happiness,where we've banished all those pesky,
like, negative emotions to likea psychological basement,
like they're down there.We don't really feel them anymore.
And I think that's the problem.First and foremost that I want
(04:06):
to talk about is a shift I madein my life, which is really big,
began to change.Everything for me was I stopped
labeling my emotions either positiveor negative, because when we do that,
like think about positive equalsgood, we want the positive stuff
and negative equals bad.That's bad. We shouldn't have that.
We shouldn't make room for it inour life.
(04:27):
It's quote unquote bad, like positiveand negative almost makes it seem
like our emotions are a moral issue.And we constantly need to seek
the good and the positive.So, you know, half we spend half
our lives at at war with ourselves.We pathologize the very feelings
that actually, as I'll show youthroughout this episode,
can be our greatest allies.And Doctor Susan David,
(04:49):
a psychologist from Harvard andalso the author of the amazing
book Emotional agility,which I highly recommend.
She calls this like pursuit ofjust like wanting only positive
emotions and happiness all the time.Emotional rigidity.
And her research shows it'sliterally killing us.
Heart disease,compromised immune function,
relationship breakdown is all linkedto our inability to experience our
(05:12):
full emotional spectrum withoutjudgment, without fear, without
constantly wanting to escape it.So here's what I realized we've
been doing wrong is that we'rebeing kind of taught.
And it's not even I really feellike our fault directly.
It's just like through the way thatwe're explained emotions from a
young age and throughout school,um, is that we're kind of been
(05:35):
taught to segment our emotionallives into these neat little boxes
labeled positive and negative.And in doing so, we've created,
like, these impossible standards forourselves that is completely at odds,
at odds against how this world is,is wired.
I mean, maybe if this world wasone where nothing ever went wrong,
(05:57):
where we never lost anything orhad to deal with the unexpected,
and it was just rainbows and daisiesall the time, maybe the pursuit
of happiness would be a good one,because that would be natural and
healthy to feel happy all the time.But the thing is, we are going to
go through things in life where wewant to feel quote unquote negative
about them. We want to grieve.We want to feel disappointed.
(06:18):
No one wants to feel happy that theirbeloved dog has just passed away,
or that their mom's battling throughhorrific chemotherapy or that,
uh, you know,your husband's battling addiction
and is really struggling to break.Like, you don't think I'm just gonna
try and build positive about this nowthat is actually mentally unhealthy.
That's actually emotionallyunhealthy.
(06:40):
Like, that's actually not whatwe want to feel as humans,
as humans were designed to feelthe whole spectrum of feelings.
And I think I really have noticedthat often the most useful emotions
aren't the ones that feel that good,right?
And in fact, research inemotional intelligence suggests
that our cultural obsession withpursuing happiness is actually
(07:01):
undermining our well-being.And in fact, a study back from
2017 found that valuing happinesstoo highly paradoxically leads
to more disappointment andgreater unhappiness.
I'm going to say that again,valuing happiness too highly
actually leads to moredisappointment and unhappiness.
(07:24):
And that sounds like what?Really? But like, think about it.
When you feel content andcomfortable and just wanting to just
be comfortable all the time andjust feel pleasure and feel good,
do you then feel driven to stepoutside your comfort zone,
to have that difficult conversationwith your boss, to finally start
that business that you've beendreaming about for so long,
(07:44):
or to confront the patterns inyour relationship that have been
keeping you stuck like no.all of that requires discomfort.
And so I realize comfortableemotions like happiness rarely
drive meaningful action.Right now, I do say there is moments
to step back, to be in the moment,to be content, to practice gratitude.
Like, I love yoga.I love that in those moments of yoga.
(08:06):
But actually, ironically,I do hot yoga.
And part of what makes it sopleasurable is the pain is the
discomfort in the moment.And then you get to savasana where
you lie there and you just get tobreathe and reconnect with yourself.
And I think it's because we wentthrough so much discomfort in the
class that the pleasure is so justrelaxing and rewarding. Okay.
(08:26):
And so I think we've got to getbetter and re-educated or re-educate
ourselves because it is a choice.You can keep labeling your emotions
positive and negative and tryand just constantly make life
about happiness or rethinking.Like emotions aren't positive or
negative. They're not a moral issue.They're just like data.
They're information that canreally actually help drive our
(08:49):
growth forward,especially the uncomfortable ones.
And that's why I want to offeryou the shift I made where rather
than labelling or judging negativeemotions as negative or positive,
you get more curious and open andreflective to my emotions right now,
either helpful or unhelpful. Right.It's more about what does that
(09:12):
emotion because our emotion drivesour behavior, especially how we
choose to interpret the emotion.Is it helping you take some sort of
healing, productive action? Right.And I really noticed that after,
um, you know, my sister died,like, take anger, for example.
We're taught, especially as women,that anger is negative and
something to be controlled,suppressed, apologize for.
(09:33):
But anger can actually beprofoundly helpful.
Like after my sister died in apreventable accident overseas,
where she was killed by a local rideron the wrong side of the road and,
uh, hit her, even though theaccident was his fault.
She wasn't wearing a helmet on amotorbike.
Uh, and then I started discoveringhow many poor Aussie tourists were
dying in similar ways, with anAustralian dying in Thailand every
(09:57):
two days and then having, like, thesecond deadliest roads in the world.
But no one really knew about this.Like, everyone rides without bikes,
thinking it's safe and they haveno idea the risks they're taking.
I was outraged about that.Like if only my sister had known.
But that anger became my fuel.It didn't feel good, but it propelled
me towards creating change thatmight prevent other families from
(10:18):
experiencing what mine did right.So was my anger negative?
Only if you think saving livesis a negative thing, right? It.
The discomfort of my anger wasprecisely what made me want to take
action, to do something about it,to get to that discomfort.
It's what made it useful.Or consider courage.
Is courage comfortable?Absolutely not.
(10:40):
Like courage by definition existsbecause we are in a state of fear.
It's the only way we get to chance.The chance to practice courage
is when we're afraid.So it is uncomfortable as hell.
But it's courage that drives us tospeak up in meetings when we have
something valuable to contribute.Even when our hearts are pounding,
it pushes us to set boundaries withpeople we love, even when we're
(11:01):
terrified of their reactions.Like, I'm having to practice so much
courage in my career right now.As I branch out to speak at our
corporate events, young professionalevents, trying out new keynotes.
And the hardest thing about abouta speaker is you don't know until
you're in the moment sharing itin front of an audience.
How it's landing,how they're reacting is disconnecting
in the way that I helped.And so there is so much
(11:22):
uncertainty around every singletalk that I'm going to give over
these next two months.And I feel the anxiety sometimes,
even at night in my chest,it tightens over and that's when I
have to relax and realize, like,this is my opportunity to practice
courage. And it's uncomfortable.But the alternative of not
pursuing my calling is ultimatelywhat is most uncomfortable to me.
(11:43):
so I'm willing to feelcourageous and uncomfortable as
I pursue what matters to me.And I really want you to think
about how courage drives suchproductive actions also in your life.
Think of when you've groped on tocourage and how uncomfortable it was,
but also how worthwhile it was.Or even grief.
You know,perhaps the most excuse excruciating
(12:04):
emotion we can experience.But it's also the most profound
expression of love thatcontinues after loss, right?
In fact, grief researcher BrenéBrown, I'm sure many of you have
heard of her out there.Um, you know, she's found that the
capacity to feel grief deeply.Carl. Great. Sorry.
(12:26):
That was not how that word wasmeant to come out of my mouth.
Correlates with our capacity for joy.Let me say that again.
The capacity to feel grief deeplycorrelates with our capacity for joy.
Right.There are two sides of the same coin.
I think of it like an accordionthing.
(12:46):
When you pull out the sides,they both come out the same way.
Actually, I don't know that.I think maybe they can be uneven,
but I just think of like, like arubber band as you stretch it out,
the more you're willing to feelgrief, the greater capacity you
have to receive joy, right?Both flowing from our ability to
connect deeply with others andwith life itself.
And I've really noticed this,like after my heart was ripped
(13:08):
open by losing the person I lovemost in the world, I am able now
because of the contrast of the pain,joy, connection, love.
It does feel even more intensein my life.
And so I really want to stop asking,is this a positive emotion or a
negative emotion like anxiety orfear is bad or courage is bad,
or anger is bad and negative?No, it's more about is this
(13:32):
emotion helpful right now?And also just like,
is it an appropriate naturalunderstanding emotion to be feeling
given what's just happened,like the context of what is going on.
Like I said,like if your dog's just died, I think
it's very natural to feel grief.If your boss just made a big change
(13:54):
in the company that you feel isat odds against your values or
the rights of other people,it might be natural to feel a
little frustrated or angry.Or maybe if you miss out on a
big promotion,I think it's very natural to
initially feel some disappointment.That's not a sign that
something's going wrong here.It's a sign that,
like you had something meaningfulin your life that you went after,
(14:16):
and it's natural that if itdidn't work out, you're going to
feel a little disappointed.Like, I can remove disappointment
from your life, but I'll also haveto remove anything meaningful
that you're going after, right?Like now. Who wants to live?
We think we want to live that lifeuntil I realize I think we like.
That's why people start to bufferand get addictions when they're not
willing to feel all the feelings,and they're just trying to feel
(14:37):
comfortable and dopamine drivenall the time, but it actually robs
them of their true life experience.And researchers found that women
who allow themselves to fullyexperience grief without trying
to rush to positive thinking orfeeling better actually showed
significantly better psychologicaloutcomes two years after loss.
And those who tried to suppressthe pain with, as I said,
(15:00):
like addictions and buffering outagainst against against feeling it.
I can't get the words out of mymouth today.
And I really think about one of theearliest concepts that my life coach,
who I got trained through, BrookeCastillo from the Life Coach School,
one of the earliest concepts that shetaught me was just like embracing and
accepting the 50 over 50 of life,you know, this idea that overall,
(15:24):
at the end of the day,50% of life is going to be wonderful
and 50% of life will be terrible.So 50% will be full of love and
connection and joy and fulfillment,and 50% is going to be pain and
loss and struggle and discomfort.And the moment that you can stop
trying to make life 90% happinessand only a little bit of struggle,
(15:47):
but really embrace it,it's gonna kind of be 5050.
I mean,I don't mean literally every day.
It's 50%, you know,feeling good and wonderful emotions
and 50% feeling discomfort.But I feel like if we were to zoom
back out over, you know, 50, 60,70 years of our lives and kind of
watch the ebbs and flow of it, you'dkind of say, yeah, you know what?
(16:07):
About half my life was amazing andhalf of it was really freaking hard.
And the moment you can accept thisratio, the moment you choose to
accept this 5050 and the contrastof it is the moment you will stop
suffering about your suffering.Right.
And this isn't amendment pessimism.That is a mouthful.
(16:28):
Um,this isn't actually being negative.
It's actually freeing yourself up.It's liberation.
When we expect life to be mostlycomfortable,
we create a second layer of pain,of suffering, a man of suffering.
And poor me,why do I have to feel this way?
And we get anxious about feelinganxious and shame about our anger.
But you know what?If discomfort isn't a sign that
(16:49):
something's gone wrong with yourlife?
In fact, you're actually havingthe perfect human life,
the full human experience.Like, if you're going to be on this
earth, why not sign up for the fullhuman experience while we're here?
We don't know what comes afterthis life.
There's 27 different versions ofthat.
But I do know in this life, if youwant to get the most out of it,
(17:10):
you've got to be willing to openup to the contrast of experiences.
You know,life won't always be uncomfortable,
but in fact it is a discomfort thatthen makes the comfortable days,
the days where you get thebreakthrough. You're full of joy.
You hear the news you've beenwinning here.
You get to go visit a placeyou've always wanted to visit,
and you're just in awe of life.Those days are made it even more
(17:32):
rich.They really touch deeper, right?
You feel things more deeply,not in spite of the uncomfortable
emotion we have to go through,but because of it. Right?
It is the contrast that makesthe best part of being human.
Those awe inspiring loved feelsmoments possible.
We just always felt happy andcomfortable.
We wouldn't even know that we werefeeling happy, happy and comfortable,
(17:55):
right? We'd just be feeling.And a study from Harvard.
This longitudinal study,which is actually the longest running
research on adult development,found something quite interesting.
Participants who dealt mostsuccessfully with life's
difficulties weren't those whoexperience less pain.
(18:16):
They were those who had developed thecapacity to feel the full range of
human emotions without self-judgment.And that's the most important part,
without labeling or pushing awayor resisting or judging,
but just being willing to feel allthe fills with any time you're like,
ah, why am I feeling this?It's like, oh, that's right,
I'm human. Remember?That's one of my favorite little
(18:38):
mantras.And I kind of want to ask you
something personal.If you're still kind of trying to
get on board with what I'm sayingor just like, taking it all in,
here's what we can really understandwhy happiness is actually,
you know, really not the bestgoal to have in your life.
Because think about what yourpursuit of happiness is costing you.
Like what dreams have you abandonedin the pursuit of comfort?
(19:01):
What relationships have yousettled for because real
intimacy feels too vulnerable?Or what truths have you swallowed?
Because speaking up may createconflict?
You know,I think of how many times in my life,
especially throughout my 20s,where I was really learning how to
open up to allow myself to feel more,you know, I used to buffer a lot
(19:23):
with food and controlling foodand controlling what I weighed,
um, because I just didn't wantto feel anxious.
So I just tried to seek somesort of control through food.
But as I learned how to unlearnthat habit and learn how to embrace
emotional resilience and my capacityto feel all the feelings, I think of
how many times I had to push myself,to choose to choose my my purpose
(19:48):
and my calling over comfort andmomentary happiness. Right?
Because I almost decided thatbeing happy and trying to cling
to certainty, maybe, you know,mattered more than making an
impact for my sister. Right?I had that corporate job.
I could see the path in front ofme at this company,
and I kind of seen people around metake that path, and they seemed,
(20:11):
you know, happy enough.Um, but then I also remember
standing in this lunch line at that,uh, corporate job I took.
And actually, most people werekind of complaining and living
for the weekend, and that's notthe life I wanted when I could,
you know, I just I didn't want tolook back in ten years and think,
I could have done somethingamazing in honor of my sister,
but I was scared, Like, you know,it's scary as to look back over
(20:33):
your life and and not feel proudof how you lived it and what you
did with your time here.And so I remember in the middle of
the night, like those days leading upto making that decision to leave
the job and take on her charity.I just knew I'd never forgive myself
if I didn't take the leap right.And I think about how I've had to do
(20:53):
the same in relationships of a datinga nice guy who treated me well,
and it was great to look at andticked all the boxes on paper.
But in terms of chemistry andconnection and just feeling
understood by him, I didn't.It didn't take the boxes.
And then I fell in love with someoneon the other side of the world.
Um, you know, leaving my safe job,starting the scary business and
(21:17):
falling in love with Nate and thenhaving to figure things out in the
middle of a pandemic and all thevisa issues and immigration issues
that still continue to this day.Has it been comfortable? Hell no.
But has it been worth it.Every single uncomfortable minute.
It's been worth it.Discomfort is the currency for
our dreams and for our fullestlife in fact.
(21:39):
Your life expands in directproportion to your capacity to
feel uncomfortable emotions.Let me say that again.
Your life expands in directproportion to your capacity to
feel uncomfortable emotions.All right, this isn't some woowoo
affirmation. It's neuroscience.When we avoid emotional discomfort,
we activate our brainsbehavioral inhibition system,
(22:02):
literally narrowing ourperception of what's possible.
When we developed stress tolerance orwhat's often called psychological
flexibility, we activate thebehavioral approach system,
expanding our capacity to envisionand pursue our meaningful goals,
our values. Right.In fact, um, I really love the book
(22:24):
The Happiness Trap by Ross Harris,so I highly recommend that his
theory is called AcceptanceCommitment theory, which is really
along these lines of accepting theuncomfortable thoughts and feelings
that naturally come up, but thencommitting more to our values and
our goals and our character andwho we want to be in the world.
So it's about how I feel in themoment, and more about who I
(22:46):
want to be in the moment.And opening up to the discomfort
actually will take you to a placewhere you feel something better
than comfort. You feel fulfilled.You feel purpose. You feel a calling.
You remember like I'm human and Iwant to be here to experience it all.
Like you just feel connected tothe world around you.
Like, I don't know,I said I feel more connected to
(23:06):
nature now as I see it go throughthe changes of the seasons and
the weather and the temperatures.I'm like, this is so my life.
Highs and lows, right?And I think when we try and flatline
and just make life comfortable,we disconnect and then that becomes
the worst discomfort of all of likedepression, like so many people
who are depressed are simply thedisconnected and got lost from their
(23:30):
sense of of purpose and calling.But every time you choose courage
over comfort, every time you allowyourself to feel grief instead of
numbing it, every time you harnessyour anger as a force for change,
instead of suppressing it,you expand your capacity to live
fully isn't measured by how muchhappiness you feel.
It's measured by how much emotionalrange you can experience without
(23:54):
judgment, without labeling it,and without running away. Right.
So the next time you feelsomething uncomfortable, whether
it's anxiety before presentation,disappointment after a setback,
or grief after a loss, you know,try asking yourself like,
is this emotion helpful orunhelpful right now?
(24:16):
Like, how am I showing up when Ifeel this way?
Remember, feelings are justinformation. They're not a problem.
They're just data.They're just feedback from how
our internal world is processingthe external world.
But we want to get more curious howam I showing up when I feel this way?
Is this emotion driving productiveaction? And if yes, lean into it.
(24:39):
Open up experience. Allow.What does it really feel like to
be a human in this world?Experiencing the feelings of anxiety,
of grief, of the sensations of this,and then use it and channel it
in productive, empowering waysthat bring you closer to your
values and goals and purpose.And if no, if you notice that
(25:01):
it's unhelpful feelings likeself-pity or frustration or
entitlement or just even I mean,jealousy isn't a bad emotion,
I would say. But sometimes it is.We want to get to like what's
really underneath that,because jealousy is usually
connecting you to show you like,hey, someone's doing something
(25:23):
that you kind of aspire to do.But getting to beneath the jealousy,
rather than just like letting thejealousy drive self-sabotaging
behavior or critical behavior ofother people.
Like, it's just interesting, I think.Um, and I'm making sure you're
not layering your emotions with,oh, I feel sad and that's bad.
(25:44):
It's you feel sad.Usually sadness usually comes
from something that you loved orhoped would go a certain way.
Doesn't go that way, but it meansthat you cared about something.
The only way to feel sad aboutsomething not working out is
that you had something you caredabout in your life, and that's
actually a beautiful thing.Like, again, you don't want to remove
all the uncomfortable emotion fromyour life because you'll be left
(26:06):
with a very surface level life.And that's not what humans were
made to experience in this world.Maybe that's what AI is for,
experiencing surface level andjust feeling good.
But I don't want to be an AI bot.I want to be me. I want to be human.
I want to be here for all of it.The pain and the struggle and the
(26:26):
disappointment and all those momentsof courage and discomfort I have
to push through. I'm here for it.While we still have the chance to,
as I said before,the robots take over, let's be here
for our human experience, okay?Because I know the ones that
really get the most out of lifeare the ones that know life isn't
(26:47):
measured by how good you feel.That's not living fully.
It's about how much you're willingto feel, all the feels in service
of what matters most on of yourown values, living your values,
living your calling, and just beingwilling to experience it all.
That's so much better than happy.That's living on purpose.
(27:10):
Let's go do that.Beautiful humans feel all the feels.
There's no such thing as negativeemotion, just uncomfortable ones.
But if you dig beneath them,you'll see that actually helping
you live your best life. Hey you.Thanks so much for tuning in to
the show.If you enjoyed listening along,
but you still thinking, ah, Kate,how do I actually put all of this
(27:33):
into practice in my own life with myown situations? I totally get it.
This stuff is somewhat simple intheory, but a lot hotter in practice.
Which is why I offer one on onepersonalized life coaching for women
just like you, who are ready toget unstuck and the overwhelm and
take back control of their life.That's right. I know that too.
(27:55):
Let's get back to creating alife body, relationship and
career that you love.Visit Kate gladdin.com for more
details on how we can coach togetherand for extra inspiration in between
episodes, make sure you join me onInstagram. It's at Kate Gladdin.
Welcome to okay. Now what?I'm your host, Kate Gladdin.
Episode 31.This is a show for people who
know life doesn't happen to you.Life happens,
and the impact it has is up to you.Hey there friends,
I'm excited to be recording thisfor you on a Saturday where it's
(00:23):
a bazillion degrees warmer than Iever thought it would have been.
Uh, a couple, uh, a couple ofdays ago, even last week, it was
-33 degrees. And then this week.And that's, uh, Celsius.
And now today and the past coupledays, it's been up around 17°C.
So it's like a 50 degree swing.So if you saw my post on, uh,
(00:44):
Instagram this week, I'm like,it's such a beautiful reminder
that you never know.You know,
no matter how hopeless or helplesssome things can feel sometimes you
never know when you just a moment,an opportunity, a day away from a
huge breakthrough that you neverwould have thought was coming.
I really think Mother Nature islike the best. The best life coach.
(01:06):
Uh, but she better not put meout of work any time soon.
Uh, because she can't reallytalk to us, of course.
Uh, nature and her lessons isher language.
Uh, but, uh, today I wanted to chatwith you about, um, the biggest lie.
I feel like we've been soldthroughout our life, particularly
in regards to our emotions.And I guess what the purpose of life
(01:30):
is, because, you know, we often from.Gosh, I can't remember how old I
was when I first saw, like,that quote where it's like, you know,
what's the purpose of life?And it's like to be happy.
And that sounds really nice andfluffy and lovely.
But if you think about, given thefact that we live in a world that is
filled with unpredictable challenges,unexpected adversity, it is actually
(01:55):
kind of completely in contrast or Iguess adverse to like if we always
want to be happy all the time.But this world is challenging or
getting through challenges isuncomfortable, then we actually
are setting ourselves up for apretty empty surface level life.
And I think more of us are gettingcaught in this trap of where we're
(02:19):
way more dopamine driven and seekingpleasure and comfort because it is
more available to us than ever with,you know, social media and Uber
Eats and DoorDash and Amazon,just like we don't even have to
freaking go to the shops anymore.I'm guilty of that, too.
It's like, why bother?Walmart delivery? It's got my back.
(02:41):
So we're able to put less andless effort or discomfort into
still getting some results.But as humans, we also have a
desire for for growth and fornovelty and to seek variety.
And so in a way,our pursuit of happiness is
actually making us more unhappy.We're not moving our bodies enough.
(03:01):
We're not using our brains problemsolving capacities as much.
We're not really stepping intoour full humanness.
And so, of course, it's like notreally going to fulfill us.
And I think after my, uh,after my sister died, I really
began to understand the differencebetween happiness and fulfillment.
(03:22):
Happiness was all about feeling good,while fulfillment is more about
feeling purpose,feeling connected to your own life,
which can come with moments ofcontentment but also comes with
a heck of a lot of discomfort.And I think about, you know,
we're being kind of sold thisglossy magazine version of what
is emotional wellness, right?One where, you know, strong,
(03:45):
successful people in their 30sand 40s have mastered the art of
positive thinking and happiness,where we've banished all those pesky,
like, negative emotions to likea psychological basement,
like they're down there.We don't really feel them anymore.
And I think that's the problem.First and foremost that I want
(04:06):
to talk about is a shift I madein my life, which is really big,
began to change.Everything for me was I stopped
labeling my emotions either positiveor negative, because when we do that,
like think about positive equalsgood, we want the positive stuff
and negative equals bad.That's bad. We shouldn't have that.
We shouldn't make room for it inour life.
(04:27):
It's quote unquote bad, like positiveand negative almost makes it seem
like our emotions are a moral issue.And we constantly need to seek
the good and the positive.So, you know, half we spend half
our lives at at war with ourselves.We pathologize the very feelings
that actually, as I'll show youthroughout this episode,
can be our greatest allies.And Doctor Susan David,
(04:49):
a psychologist from Harvard andalso the author of the amazing
book Emotional agility,which I highly recommend.
She calls this like pursuit ofjust like wanting only positive
emotions and happiness all the time.Emotional rigidity.
And her research shows it'sliterally killing us.
Heart disease,compromised immune function,
relationship breakdown is all linkedto our inability to experience our
(05:12):
full emotional spectrum withoutjudgment, without fear, without
constantly wanting to escape it.So here's what I realized we've
been doing wrong is that we'rebeing kind of taught.
And it's not even I really feellike our fault directly.
It's just like through the way thatwe're explained emotions from a
young age and throughout school,um, is that we're kind of been
(05:35):
taught to segment our emotionallives into these neat little boxes
labeled positive and negative.And in doing so, we've created,
like, these impossible standards forourselves that is completely at odds,
at odds against how this world is,is wired.
I mean, maybe if this world wasone where nothing ever went wrong,
(05:57):
where we never lost anything orhad to deal with the unexpected,
and it was just rainbows and daisiesall the time, maybe the pursuit
of happiness would be a good one,because that would be natural and
healthy to feel happy all the time.But the thing is, we are going to
go through things in life where wewant to feel quote unquote negative
about them. We want to grieve.We want to feel disappointed.
(06:18):
No one wants to feel happy that theirbeloved dog has just passed away,
or that their mom's battling throughhorrific chemotherapy or that,
uh, you know,your husband's battling addiction
and is really struggling to break.Like, you don't think I'm just gonna
try and build positive about this nowthat is actually mentally unhealthy.
That's actually emotionallyunhealthy.
(06:40):
Like, that's actually not whatwe want to feel as humans,
as humans were designed to feelthe whole spectrum of feelings.
And I think I really have noticedthat often the most useful emotions
aren't the ones that feel that good,right?
And in fact, research inemotional intelligence suggests
that our cultural obsession withpursuing happiness is actually
(07:01):
undermining our well-being.And in fact, a study back from
2017 found that valuing happinesstoo highly paradoxically leads
to more disappointment andgreater unhappiness.
I'm going to say that again,valuing happiness too highly
actually leads to moredisappointment and unhappiness.
(07:24):
And that sounds like what?Really? But like, think about it.
When you feel content andcomfortable and just wanting to just
be comfortable all the time andjust feel pleasure and feel good,
do you then feel driven to stepoutside your comfort zone,
to have that difficult conversationwith your boss, to finally start
that business that you've beendreaming about for so long,
(07:44):
or to confront the patterns inyour relationship that have been
keeping you stuck like no.all of that requires discomfort.
And so I realize comfortableemotions like happiness rarely
drive meaningful action.Right now, I do say there is moments
to step back, to be in the moment,to be content, to practice gratitude.
Like, I love yoga.I love that in those moments of yoga.
(08:06):
But actually, ironically,I do hot yoga.
And part of what makes it sopleasurable is the pain is the
discomfort in the moment.And then you get to savasana where
you lie there and you just get tobreathe and reconnect with yourself.
And I think it's because we wentthrough so much discomfort in the
class that the pleasure is so justrelaxing and rewarding. Okay.
(08:26):
And so I think we've got to getbetter and re-educated or re-educate
ourselves because it is a choice.You can keep labeling your emotions
positive and negative and tryand just constantly make life
about happiness or rethinking.Like emotions aren't positive or
negative. They're not a moral issue.They're just like data.
They're information that canreally actually help drive our
(08:49):
growth forward,especially the uncomfortable ones.
And that's why I want to offeryou the shift I made where rather
than labelling or judging negativeemotions as negative or positive,
you get more curious and open andreflective to my emotions right now,
either helpful or unhelpful. Right.It's more about what does that
(09:12):
emotion because our emotion drivesour behavior, especially how we
choose to interpret the emotion.Is it helping you take some sort of
healing, productive action? Right.And I really noticed that after,
um, you know, my sister died,like, take anger, for example.
We're taught, especially as women,that anger is negative and
something to be controlled,suppressed, apologize for.
(09:33):
But anger can actually beprofoundly helpful.
Like after my sister died in apreventable accident overseas,
where she was killed by a local rideron the wrong side of the road and,
uh, hit her, even though theaccident was his fault.
She wasn't wearing a helmet on amotorbike.
Uh, and then I started discoveringhow many poor Aussie tourists were
dying in similar ways, with anAustralian dying in Thailand every
(09:57):
two days and then having, like, thesecond deadliest roads in the world.
But no one really knew about this.Like, everyone rides without bikes,
thinking it's safe and they haveno idea the risks they're taking.
I was outraged about that.Like if only my sister had known.
But that anger became my fuel.It didn't feel good, but it propelled
me towards creating change thatmight prevent other families from
(10:18):
experiencing what mine did right.So was my anger negative?
Only if you think saving livesis a negative thing, right? It.
The discomfort of my anger wasprecisely what made me want to take
action, to do something about it,to get to that discomfort.
It's what made it useful.Or consider courage.
Is courage comfortable?Absolutely not.
(10:40):
Like courage by definition existsbecause we are in a state of fear.
It's the only way we get to chance.The chance to practice courage
is when we're afraid.So it is uncomfortable as hell.
But it's courage that drives us tospeak up in meetings when we have
something valuable to contribute.Even when our hearts are pounding,
it pushes us to set boundaries withpeople we love, even when we're
(11:01):
terrified of their reactions.Like, I'm having to practice so much
courage in my career right now.As I branch out to speak at our
corporate events, young professionalevents, trying out new keynotes.
And the hardest thing about abouta speaker is you don't know until
you're in the moment sharing itin front of an audience.
How it's landing,how they're reacting is disconnecting
in the way that I helped.And so there is so much
(11:22):
uncertainty around every singletalk that I'm going to give over
these next two months.And I feel the anxiety sometimes,
even at night in my chest,it tightens over and that's when I
have to relax and realize, like,this is my opportunity to practice
courage. And it's uncomfortable.But the alternative of not
pursuing my calling is ultimatelywhat is most uncomfortable to me.
(11:43):
so I'm willing to feelcourageous and uncomfortable as
I pursue what matters to me.And I really want you to think
about how courage drives suchproductive actions also in your life.
Think of when you've groped on tocourage and how uncomfortable it was,
but also how worthwhile it was.Or even grief.
You know,perhaps the most excuse excruciating
(12:04):
emotion we can experience.But it's also the most profound
expression of love thatcontinues after loss, right?
In fact, grief researcher BrenéBrown, I'm sure many of you have
heard of her out there.Um, you know, she's found that the
capacity to feel grief deeply.Carl. Great. Sorry.
(12:26):
That was not how that word wasmeant to come out of my mouth.
Correlates with our capacity for joy.Let me say that again.
The capacity to feel grief deeplycorrelates with our capacity for joy.
Right.There are two sides of the same coin.
I think of it like an accordionthing.
(12:46):
When you pull out the sides,they both come out the same way.
Actually, I don't know that.I think maybe they can be uneven,
but I just think of like, like arubber band as you stretch it out,
the more you're willing to feelgrief, the greater capacity you
have to receive joy, right?Both flowing from our ability to
connect deeply with others andwith life itself.
And I've really noticed this,like after my heart was ripped
(13:08):
open by losing the person I lovemost in the world, I am able now
because of the contrast of the pain,joy, connection, love.
It does feel even more intensein my life.
And so I really want to stop asking,is this a positive emotion or a
negative emotion like anxiety orfear is bad or courage is bad,
or anger is bad and negative?No, it's more about is this
(13:32):
emotion helpful right now?And also just like,
is it an appropriate naturalunderstanding emotion to be feeling
given what's just happened,like the context of what is going on.
Like I said,like if your dog's just died, I think
it's very natural to feel grief.If your boss just made a big change
(13:54):
in the company that you feel isat odds against your values or
the rights of other people,it might be natural to feel a
little frustrated or angry.Or maybe if you miss out on a
big promotion,I think it's very natural to
initially feel some disappointment.That's not a sign that
something's going wrong here.It's a sign that,
like you had something meaningfulin your life that you went after,
(14:16):
and it's natural that if itdidn't work out, you're going to
feel a little disappointed.Like, I can remove disappointment
from your life, but I'll also haveto remove anything meaningful
that you're going after, right?Like now. Who wants to live?
We think we want to live that lifeuntil I realize I think we like.
That's why people start to bufferand get addictions when they're not
willing to feel all the feelings,and they're just trying to feel
(14:37):
comfortable and dopamine drivenall the time, but it actually robs
them of their true life experience.And researchers found that women
who allow themselves to fullyexperience grief without trying
to rush to positive thinking orfeeling better actually showed
significantly better psychologicaloutcomes two years after loss.
And those who tried to suppressthe pain with, as I said,
(15:00):
like addictions and buffering outagainst against against feeling it.
I can't get the words out of mymouth today.
And I really think about one of theearliest concepts that my life coach,
who I got trained through, BrookeCastillo from the Life Coach School,
one of the earliest concepts that shetaught me was just like embracing and
accepting the 50 over 50 of life,you know, this idea that overall,
(15:24):
at the end of the day,50% of life is going to be wonderful
and 50% of life will be terrible.So 50% will be full of love and
connection and joy and fulfillment,and 50% is going to be pain and
loss and struggle and discomfort.And the moment that you can stop
trying to make life 90% happinessand only a little bit of struggle,
(15:47):
but really embrace it,it's gonna kind of be 5050.
I mean,I don't mean literally every day.
It's 50%, you know,feeling good and wonderful emotions
and 50% feeling discomfort.But I feel like if we were to zoom
back out over, you know, 50, 60,70 years of our lives and kind of
watch the ebbs and flow of it, you'dkind of say, yeah, you know what?
(16:07):
About half my life was amazing andhalf of it was really freaking hard.
And the moment you can accept thisratio, the moment you choose to
accept this 5050 and the contrastof it is the moment you will stop
suffering about your suffering.Right.
And this isn't amendment pessimism.That is a mouthful.
(16:28):
Um,this isn't actually being negative.
It's actually freeing yourself up.It's liberation.
When we expect life to be mostlycomfortable,
we create a second layer of pain,of suffering, a man of suffering.
And poor me,why do I have to feel this way?
And we get anxious about feelinganxious and shame about our anger.
But you know what?If discomfort isn't a sign that
(16:49):
something's gone wrong with yourlife?
In fact, you're actually havingthe perfect human life,
the full human experience.Like, if you're going to be on this
earth, why not sign up for the fullhuman experience while we're here?
We don't know what comes afterthis life.
There's 27 different versions ofthat.
But I do know in this life, if youwant to get the most out of it,
(17:10):
you've got to be willing to openup to the contrast of experiences.
You know,life won't always be uncomfortable,
but in fact it is a discomfort thatthen makes the comfortable days,
the days where you get thebreakthrough. You're full of joy.
You hear the news you've beenwinning here.
You get to go visit a placeyou've always wanted to visit,
and you're just in awe of life.Those days are made it even more
(17:32):
rich.They really touch deeper, right?
You feel things more deeply,not in spite of the uncomfortable
emotion we have to go through,but because of it. Right?
It is the contrast that makesthe best part of being human.
Those awe inspiring loved feelsmoments possible.
We just always felt happy andcomfortable.
We wouldn't even know that we werefeeling happy, happy and comfortable,
(17:55):
right? We'd just be feeling.And a study from Harvard.
This longitudinal study,which is actually the longest running
research on adult development,found something quite interesting.
Participants who dealt mostsuccessfully with life's
difficulties weren't those whoexperience less pain.
(18:16):
They were those who had developed thecapacity to feel the full range of
human emotions without self-judgment.And that's the most important part,
without labeling or pushing awayor resisting or judging,
but just being willing to feel allthe fills with any time you're like,
ah, why am I feeling this?It's like, oh, that's right,
I'm human. Remember?That's one of my favorite little
(18:38):
mantras.And I kind of want to ask you
something personal.If you're still kind of trying to
get on board with what I'm sayingor just like, taking it all in,
here's what we can really understandwhy happiness is actually,
you know, really not the bestgoal to have in your life.
Because think about what yourpursuit of happiness is costing you.
Like what dreams have you abandonedin the pursuit of comfort?
(19:01):
What relationships have yousettled for because real
intimacy feels too vulnerable?Or what truths have you swallowed?
Because speaking up may createconflict?
You know,I think of how many times in my life,
especially throughout my 20s,where I was really learning how to
open up to allow myself to feel more,you know, I used to buffer a lot
(19:23):
with food and controlling foodand controlling what I weighed,
um, because I just didn't wantto feel anxious.
So I just tried to seek somesort of control through food.
But as I learned how to unlearnthat habit and learn how to embrace
emotional resilience and my capacityto feel all the feelings, I think of
how many times I had to push myself,to choose to choose my my purpose
(19:48):
and my calling over comfort andmomentary happiness. Right?
Because I almost decided thatbeing happy and trying to cling
to certainty, maybe, you know,mattered more than making an
impact for my sister. Right?I had that corporate job.
I could see the path in front ofme at this company,
and I kind of seen people around metake that path, and they seemed,
(20:11):
you know, happy enough.Um, but then I also remember
standing in this lunch line at that,uh, corporate job I took.
And actually, most people werekind of complaining and living
for the weekend, and that's notthe life I wanted when I could,
you know, I just I didn't want tolook back in ten years and think,
I could have done somethingamazing in honor of my sister,
but I was scared, Like, you know,it's scary as to look back over
(20:33):
your life and and not feel proudof how you lived it and what you
did with your time here.And so I remember in the middle of
the night, like those days leading upto making that decision to leave
the job and take on her charity.I just knew I'd never forgive myself
if I didn't take the leap right.And I think about how I've had to do
(20:53):
the same in relationships of a datinga nice guy who treated me well,
and it was great to look at andticked all the boxes on paper.
But in terms of chemistry andconnection and just feeling
understood by him, I didn't.It didn't take the boxes.
And then I fell in love with someoneon the other side of the world.
Um, you know, leaving my safe job,starting the scary business and
(21:17):
falling in love with Nate and thenhaving to figure things out in the
middle of a pandemic and all thevisa issues and immigration issues
that still continue to this day.Has it been comfortable? Hell no.
But has it been worth it.Every single uncomfortable minute.
It's been worth it.Discomfort is the currency for
our dreams and for our fullestlife in fact.
(21:39):
Your life expands in directproportion to your capacity to
feel uncomfortable emotions.Let me say that again.
Your life expands in directproportion to your capacity to
feel uncomfortable emotions.All right, this isn't some woowoo
affirmation. It's neuroscience.When we avoid emotional discomfort,
we activate our brainsbehavioral inhibition system,
(22:02):
literally narrowing ourperception of what's possible.
When we developed stress tolerance orwhat's often called psychological
flexibility, we activate thebehavioral approach system,
expanding our capacity to envisionand pursue our meaningful goals,
our values. Right.In fact, um, I really love the book
(22:24):
The Happiness Trap by Ross Harris,so I highly recommend that his
theory is called AcceptanceCommitment theory, which is really
along these lines of accepting theuncomfortable thoughts and feelings
that naturally come up, but thencommitting more to our values and
our goals and our character andwho we want to be in the world.
So it's about how I feel in themoment, and more about who I
(22:46):
want to be in the moment.And opening up to the discomfort
actually will take you to a placewhere you feel something better
than comfort. You feel fulfilled.You feel purpose. You feel a calling.
You remember like I'm human and Iwant to be here to experience it all.
Like you just feel connected tothe world around you.
Like, I don't know,I said I feel more connected to
(23:06):
nature now as I see it go throughthe changes of the seasons and
the weather and the temperatures.I'm like, this is so my life.
Highs and lows, right?And I think when we try and flatline
and just make life comfortable,we disconnect and then that becomes
the worst discomfort of all of likedepression, like so many people
who are depressed are simply thedisconnected and got lost from their
(23:30):
sense of of purpose and calling.But every time you choose courage
over comfort, every time you allowyourself to feel grief instead of
numbing it, every time you harnessyour anger as a force for change,
instead of suppressing it,you expand your capacity to live
fully isn't measured by how muchhappiness you feel.
It's measured by how much emotionalrange you can experience without
(23:54):
judgment, without labeling it,and without running away. Right.
So the next time you feelsomething uncomfortable, whether
it's anxiety before presentation,disappointment after a setback,
or grief after a loss, you know,try asking yourself like,
is this emotion helpful orunhelpful right now?
(24:16):
Like, how am I showing up when Ifeel this way?
Remember, feelings are justinformation. They're not a problem.
They're just data.They're just feedback from how
our internal world is processingthe external world.
But we want to get more curious howam I showing up when I feel this way?
Is this emotion driving productiveaction? And if yes, lean into it.
(24:39):
Open up experience. Allow.What does it really feel like to
be a human in this world?Experiencing the feelings of anxiety,
of grief, of the sensations of this,and then use it and channel it
in productive, empowering waysthat bring you closer to your
values and goals and purpose.And if no, if you notice that
(25:01):
it's unhelpful feelings likeself-pity or frustration or
entitlement or just even I mean,jealousy isn't a bad emotion,
I would say. But sometimes it is.We want to get to like what's
really underneath that,because jealousy is usually
connecting you to show you like,hey, someone's doing something
(25:23):
that you kind of aspire to do.But getting to beneath the jealousy,
rather than just like letting thejealousy drive self-sabotaging
behavior or critical behavior ofother people.
Like, it's just interesting, I think.Um, and I'm making sure you're
not layering your emotions with,oh, I feel sad and that's bad.
(25:44):
It's you feel sad.Usually sadness usually comes
from something that you loved orhoped would go a certain way.
Doesn't go that way, but it meansthat you cared about something.
The only way to feel sad aboutsomething not working out is
that you had something you caredabout in your life, and that's
actually a beautiful thing.Like, again, you don't want to remove
all the uncomfortable emotion fromyour life because you'll be left
(26:06):
with a very surface level life.And that's not what humans were
made to experience in this world.Maybe that's what AI is for,
experiencing surface level andjust feeling good.
But I don't want to be an AI bot.I want to be me. I want to be human.
I want to be here for all of it.The pain and the struggle and the
(26:26):
disappointment and all those momentsof courage and discomfort I have
to push through. I'm here for it.While we still have the chance to,
as I said before,the robots take over, let's be here
for our human experience, okay?Because I know the ones that
really get the most out of lifeare the ones that know life isn't
(26:47):
measured by how good you feel.That's not living fully.
It's about how much you're willingto feel, all the feels in service
of what matters most on of yourown values, living your values,
living your calling, and just beingwilling to experience it all.
That's so much better than happy.That's living on purpose.
(27:10):
Let's go do that.Beautiful humans feel all the feels.
There's no such thing as negativeemotion, just uncomfortable ones.
But if you dig beneath them,you'll see that actually helping
you live your best life. Hey you.Thanks so much for tuning in to
the show.If you enjoyed listening along,
but you still thinking, ah, Kate,how do I actually put all of this
(27:33):
into practice in my own life with myown situations? I totally get it.
This stuff is somewhat simple intheory, but a lot hotter in practice.
Which is why I offer one on onepersonalized life coaching for women
just like you, who are ready toget unstuck and the overwhelm and
take back control of their life.That's right. I know that too.
(27:55):
Let's get back to creating alife body, relationship and
career that you love.Visit Kate gladdin.com for more
details on how we can coach togetherand for extra inspiration in between
episodes, make sure you join me onInstagram. It's at Kate Gladdin.
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