April 10, 2025 • 19 mins
Ever feel like you’re doing all the right things—yet still feel off? Tired? Resentful? Like you're living life for everyone but you?
Yeah… me too.
In this powerful episode, I pull back the curtain on one sneaky little word that’s silently controlling so many of our choices—and not in a good way. That word? Should.
It seems harmless. Responsible even.
"I should call her back."
"I should go to that dinner."
"I should be happier by now."
But when you really pay attention, you’ll notice how heavy that word feels in your body. How tight your chest gets. How small your world becomes.
Because here’s the truth: “Should” is just fear in disguise.
Fear of disappointing others. Fear of judgment. Fear of not being enough. And when we live from that place, we disconnect from what we actually want. We abandon ourselves to make others comfortable.
In this episode, I walk you through:
-
The emotional cost of people pleasing (even when it seems “nice” on the surface)
-
Why “should” keeps you stuck in guilt, fear, and burnout
-
The neuroscience behind why your nervous system knows when you're betraying yourself
-
A simple 3-step strategy to flip the script on obligation-based decisions
-
How to reconnect with your values and create boundaries without shame
Plus, I’ll share one of my go-to coaching tools to help you finally break free from the invisible pressure of always doing what’s expected—and start living in alignment with your truth.
You don’t need to earn your worth through endless “shoulds.” You already are enough. So let’s stop proving and start choosing.
Ready to reclaim your voice and your choices? Let’s do a “should detox” together.
Tune in now—and if this episode hits home, share it with a friend who needs the same reminder.
Need extra support?
-
Grab your free chapter of my book Okay, Now What?: https://www.kategladdin.com/free
-
Book a free coaching consult with me (yep, totally free): www.kategladdin.com
Follow me on IG for daily doses of real talk: @kategladdin
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to. Okay. Now what?I'm your host, Kate Gladdin,
and this is episode 36.This is the show for people who
know life doesn't happen to you.Life happens,
and the impact it has is up to you.Good morning. Afternoon, evening.
(00:20):
Whatever time it is that you'relistening to this,
I am so glad you're tuning in.This is my first full week at
home in a while and it has beenhonestly magical.
I on Saturday, uh, my husband and I,Nate and our dog Jake.
Like I slept in.We went out for brunch.
We went driving through themountains.
We went and got big,juicy steaks to cook on the Barbie.
(00:44):
That evening we sat by the fire.It was just one of those days
where I.I don't know, you're like, this is
what this is what life's all about.Just being outside, soaking up
sunshine with people you love.And, you know,
not every day can be that. Obviously.We've got to work hard for our goals.
But, you know, I really made anintentional choice in my life to
allow days like that where Idon't open up my laptop at all.
(01:08):
I'm not checking emails,I'm just being in the moment.
And, you know,there's always this idea of,
I could fit more clients in hereor do extra that, but then there's
a life that's got to be lived.And I hope hearing this, you also are
making sure that this month you'retaking a few days just like that,
just to be and especially be withthe people that you love most.
(01:32):
And in fact, I guess this episodekind of rolls in further into that,
into that point, are really wantingto talk about a sneaky little word
that silently runs the show orruns the lives of so many of us.
And it's not like a big crazy word.It's not a swear word or
(01:53):
anything big.It's just this little word should,
She should.Yeah, just that word should.
I know it sounds pretty harmless onits own, but the way that we use
it against ourselves and againstour own well-being is something
we really need to talk about.Because I'm not talking about,
like, the sexiest, obvious stuff.Like, I should eat more kale.
(02:17):
No, I'm particularly talkingabout the emotional,
guilt ridden shoulds, right?The ones that often sound like, oh,
I should really reply to all myemails before I log off work today.
Oh, I should really go along tothat girls trip next month,
even though I know I'll be exhaustedbecause I'm running conferences
and working some extra hours or I,you know, I should fly home for
(02:38):
my mom's birthday, or I shouldwear heels to work more often to
try and look more professional,or I shouldn't be spending this much
money. I should be saving more.I should be happier now.
Thinner by now. Right.Like, can we just pause for a second
and admit how heavy a should feels?Right?
And actually, when you thinkabout where you've been shutting
(03:00):
shooting on yourself, and maybeit's hard to think about it now,
but I just want you to pay attention.Even moving forward from this
episode on how often we shouldon ourselves, right?
Because here's the thing aboutshould.
On the surface,it sounds responsible,
even noble sometimes, right?Oh, I should just be the friend that
always goes to every friend's dinner,or the daughter that always
(03:21):
comes home, or the woman that'salways just professional or
always responsive to my emails,but often underneath shoulds.
The reason it's so freaking heavyand sometimes claustrophobic,
I don't know.I feel like when someone's
shooting on me, my I get smaller,like the room feels tighter,
like I have less space, right?It's like should is like so
(03:45):
claustrophobic.I don't think that's a word.
I'm trying to think of what theverb of, uh, claustrophobic is,
but we'll just roll with it isrestricting, right?
Because it's often really lacedwith so much guilt and An
obligation and fear, right?Particularly fear of what other
people will think of us if we door don't do that thing right.
(04:07):
And often, more often than not,I've realized, like it's not
even your own should speaking.It's not even your own voice, right?
It's a collection of expectationsthat you've absorbed from growing up,
whether it's like your parents,teachers, culture boss or that.
Yeah, that I know the influenceryou follow on line who always looks
like she has a life together,which I hate to break it to you.
(04:28):
She doesn't.She's just showing you what she
wants you to see.Uh, but I think that's also why
shooting leads to so much resentmentand heaviness is that it's not
even our own wants and desires.We're just picking them up or
what other what we think otherpeople want to us,
and then trying to live true to that.And psychologists actually call
(04:49):
this interjected motivation,where you've internalized someone
else's rules and made them your own.But my beautiful human,
your nervous system still knowsthe difference. Right.
That's why every should carry somuch tension and resentment, right?
Your nervous system this is knowsthis isn't really in alignment
with your own wants and andvalues and desires and joy.
(05:11):
It's this expectation that we'vepicked up and we're trying to like,
fit it in.It's like trying to put it.
What is it, a square in a roundhole kind of thing.
Like it's not really meant for us,but we're trying to make it work
in our lives.And your nervous system senses
that that quiet sense that you'rebetraying yourself just a little bit,
just to try and make someoneelse more comfortable or happier
(05:32):
or placate their needs. Right.So I really want to challenge
you this week.First and foremost,
just to start recognizing, right.You know, my three hour strategy,
we always start with recognizinglike, we've got to start.
We can't change something untilwe begin to notice it right and
become aware of it.So first and foremost,
(05:53):
not from judgment. We all do it.It all falls into our vocabulary.
But pay attention to how oftenyou say I should.
Dot dot dot and see what thingscome up right.
And what you notice. No judgment.No trying to fix it right away.
Just notice.You know, maybe you catch it when
you're deciding whether or not to goto that, uh, dinner party. Right?
(06:14):
Maybe you're scrolling late atnight and you think, oh,
I should get off my phone. Okay.And that last one,
I should get off my phone.That's actually something that
maybe you do technically reallywant for yourself.
It's not like an external thing.You're like,
I just feel like shit when I go tobed so late because I'm up scrolling.
That's something we'll talk aboutafter I teach this first tool,
because there are moments where,yeah, maybe that isn't just a
(06:37):
shortcut, something you want,but there's still, I think,
a better way to frame it in ourbrain because our brain is listening
to everything that we say to it,our nervous systems listening.
It's what creates our feelings.And anytime we're shutting, there's
just this tension and resentment.And I think that's half the time why
we rebel against ourselves a littlebit with these goals that we really,
actually do want, like to get offour phone and get to bed earlier.
But when we say it as a should,it almost because it feels like
(07:00):
it's an obligation that we like,quote unquote have to do.
We almost like try and rebelagainst ourselves.
So we'll talk about how to breakthat in a moment.
But first, I want to share a toolthat's really changed my life in a
way where I am living it so much inalignment with who I want to be.
Which guess what means?Sometimes disappointing others
(07:22):
means sometimes, quote unquote,letting people down, right?
Not being who they want or thinkI should be.
But ultimately,I've become a happier version of me.
I'm more free version,a more joyful version.
And ultimately that has actuallystrengthened the relationships
in my life.Because a happier me is just a
more fun me to be around.Because you could go to your friends
(07:43):
party, but if you're kind of sittingthere tired, like a little bit cranky
and tense like, you know, we go,but then we're not even having fun.
They're not that they're nothaving that fun with us.
Like, it would have just ultimatelybeen better to take that night
off and get the extra rest andreschedule with your friend.
So let me share this tool that Ishare with every coaching client
(08:03):
who's really stuck in this peoplepleasing cycle, and it's simply
to flip your should into a could.I know this sounds really simple,
but it's very powerful, right?So let's try it out with a few
examples.So instead of oh, I should fly
home for my mom's birthday.Let's flip that to I could fly
(08:25):
home for my mom's birthday, right?Notice how suddenly it's no
longer like a guilt trip?It's a choice. An option, right?
Because really, you can do anything.Like, there's limitless options
given to you at any given moment.And when you flip it from a
should to a could,it does instantly release that.
As I said, sense of obligation orresent like, oh, I should do this.
(08:47):
You're reminding yourself it's achoice.
And once you've flipped theshould to a could, ask yourself,
do I actually want to?And do I like my reason why, right?
That second part is really sopowerful because my coach who
(09:08):
certified me so Brooke Castillofrom the Life Coach school when
I did training with her, gosh,back in 2016 or something like that.
Um, she always like she taught me,you know, you can do whatever
you want as a human being.You have the agency and free
will to do whatever you want,whatever you like.
Just make sure you like yourreason for it.
(09:29):
And I really think that's sopowerful, like, um, to to make sure
we're not just going into to peoplepleasing because beneath people
pleasing. Oh, it seems so nice.No, it's just fear dressed up in
disguise.And it's honestly half the time
lying dressed up in disguise.So think of it this way.
Are you going to your mom going tofly to visit her for her birthday?
Because you really, you know,you love her. You want to be there.
(09:52):
It feels like the kind ofdaughter you want to be.
And it's not coming at a hugecost to other areas of your life
because I know all of us are like,well, yeah, I, I do love my mom.
It's not like I wouldn't.I'm not saying if you don't go,
it means you don't love her.But I think, um, you know,
as adult children now, like,I love my parents.
I live in a different countryacross the world from them.
(10:13):
And there's some nights where I dowant to talk to them. I do love them.
But I have been on eight hoursof zoom calls and coaching,
and I just can't converse like Ican't conversate, as I like to say,
but I really just.I don't have anything left in me.
I just need to switch out.I zone out so I'll text them like,
hey, I've had too big of a day,can't chat,
I'm not gonna answer your call.And so I still love them,
(10:34):
but I'm I'm not overextendingmyself just to please them
because I know it wouldn't makethem happy to answer the call,
but it's that too much for me.So I tell myself I could answer
the call, but if I did,it would just be to please them
and make them happy. But it comes.I don't like that reason because it
comes at a huge expense to me. Right?So the same goes if you want to go
visit a mom for a birthday and like,yeah, you know what?
(10:55):
I've got a pretty light schedule.The flights are reasonable.
It's not going to, you know,make us stressful to pay our next
mortgage payment or something likego all in. Make the most of it.
Be all there and love it.But if you're going just because
you're terrified of disappointingher, or you're a bad daughter,
if you don't and you're really justtrying to control how she feels,
so then you can feel okay about howyou feel about you as a daughter.
(11:18):
That's the wrong way about it, right?Her feelings are not your
responsibility.How you feel is right.
And make your decisions out of guiltand trying to control your mom.
That's not love, right?That's fear disguised as, like, duty.
And so that's why it's justreally getting clear.
I could do this. Do I want to?And do I like my reason?
(11:41):
Because I've got to say somethinghard but honest, like people pleasing
is not the same as being kind.Kindness comes from love, right?
And I do think there's moments wherewe're going to make some sacrifices.
Like there are some times where,you know, my parents go, I'm like,
oh, you know what? Like, I've got it.I've got energy today.
I can take five out of my day.Like, I know what this means to them.
(12:01):
And I can really get into a clean,loving place.
And I love chatting with themand it's so fun.
But people pleasing comes from fear.Usually the fear of rejection or
fear of conflict, right.And confrontation.
So we just try and go with theflow and keep the peace.
But the problem is there is nopeace internally for you, right?
Because you're going against yourown needs and wants and what's
(12:24):
going to keep your cup full.And when you're constantly saying yes
just to avoid disappointing people,all you're really doing is just
disappointing yourself,abandoning yourself over and
over and over again.And that one voice in your head,
that's the one voice you can'tescape.
That's the one you got to live with.24 seven. Right.
You become someone who's exhausted,resentful, and quietly disconnected
(12:46):
from your own life and goals andvalues, and that's no way to live.
Well, it is a way to live,but it's not one that's going to
make you happy or fulfilled. Right.So people pleasing is not kindness.
It's just fear.dressed in this polite fake
behavior like it really is fake.It's lying, right?
And you can't keep living from thisplace where you're like overdrawing
(13:07):
from your own emotional bank accountover and over and over again and not
really making choices in alignmentwith your wants and happiness.
You're eventually going to go intodebt, right into emotional debt,
of completely feeling exhausted.And then that just causes, you know,
sometimes we people please to avoidconflict, but it causes so much
tension and resentment for us thatdown the track, it ends up causing
(13:28):
even more conflict than how we'vejust been honest in the beginning.
So what's the alternative?You take your power back.
You choose your yeses and youown your nose, right?
You stop asking, what should I do?And start asking, what do I want
to do? And does that align?Who with who I want to be in
this moment?Does it align with taking care of
(13:51):
myself and not robbing from all theseother areas of my life, just to try
and keep one person happy, Right.And I think the other thing I want
to mention, because as I said,these are often like, I should do
this for other people or whatnot.But there's some trickier shoulds,
the ones that technically supportyour own health and growth.
(14:11):
Like, I should go to the gym.I should drink more water.
I should spend less time on my phone.And these are all great intentions,
right? I really think so.But if you've kind of struggled
to get momentum going with them,like you keep skipping the gym or
keep staying up late scrollingor not drinking water, it's
probably because you keep tellingyourself you should be doing it.
Which again, for me,it's like a little little in a
(14:32):
rebel comes to play and she's like,yeah, but I don't want to.
Don't tell me what to do.And so for these goals,
stop shooting on your goals too.You're just creating tension and
resentment of them. Just slip.Do the same thing.
Flip it into a could, right.Because that energy of
resentment is not going to fuelyou to take the action, right?
(14:52):
Because our energy and ourfeelings fuel our actions.
So if you're kind of self-sabotagingand you're not getting momentum
going. Philip, you're into a could.I could go to the gym this week.
I could cap out back my screen time.And then ask yourself, why would
I want to? What's my reason why?Maybe it's because the gym helps
you feel stronger,more confident, calmer. Right.
(15:15):
I like to joke that, like, you know,my my gym is my therapy, so I don't,
you know, turn into a crazy person.Like,
it helps keep me sane and grounded.Or maybe putting your phone down
helps you be more present withyour partner, or less anxious,
or get more sleep.And so you can see like, oh wait,
this isn't a sure, this is actuallylike a could an option, a choice.
(15:35):
And I actually want to. Right.So now it's no longer like a
punishment, an obligation.It's an act of self-love.
It's an act of self-respect.It's an act of self-growth
towards your goals. Right.And what this all comes back to
is values, right?When you make decisions based on
validation, especially externalvalidation of what other people will
think, you lose yourself, right?You lose the validation that
(16:00):
matters the most.And that's your own approval.
Because, you know, deep down you'refaking it. You're not being real.
You're just scared, little scaredycat. Just trying to please the world.
And that doesn't feel great.It's really hard to win over
your own opinion when you'reliving life that way.
But when you make choices based onyour values, who you want to be,
how you want to feel, the life youwant to create, you find your way
back to yourself again and again.You approve of yourself again
(16:22):
and again.You validate yourself again and
again, and no one can take thatpower from you when you know how
to show up in the world of thatplace of self validation.
That isn't selfish either.You actually have more love and
kindness and joy to bring theworld because you're happier,
happy people and nicer people.Kind of people,
more generous people, right?So really ask yourself,
(16:43):
when you're trying to make a choice,you flip the should to a could
and then really reflect on doesthis choice align with my values?
Am I doing this from love or fear andI'm choosing this version of me?
Or am I trying to prove I'm goodenough? Right?
Because if you're just trying toprove something or get the
validation or avoid something,then you end up creating the very
(17:05):
thing you're trying to avoid.You create more tension,
more conflict, even,especially if it's internal conflict.
And as I said,that's just no way to live life.
Your life is not a checklist ofshoulds.
It's not a report card to hand in theend. Right. It's it's a creation.
And you are the artist.You're the one in the driver's
seat getting to create this.There's nothing you should do
(17:27):
with your life.That's just what you could do
and what you want to do.So this week, let's all do a little
should detox together, right?Write down every time you hear
yourself say I should. Dot dot dot.Then flip it till I could and
decide deliberately using yourprefrontal brain.
Not the fearful little ants,not those automatic negative
(17:47):
thoughts that are going to come up.Like, what were they thinking? No.
What are you going to thinkabout this decision? Right.
What is your reason for it?And do you like that reason?
If not, let that be yourpermission slip. You could.
You don't want to and that is enough.Okay, my beautiful humans, that is
(18:09):
it today, this month, April, orwhatever month you're listening to.
Even if it's ten years from now, do ashould detox really be intentional of
flipping your shoulds to keywords?And if this episode resonated
with you, please screenshot it,share a new socials, tag me in it
at gladdin or send it to a friendwho's really stuck in the loop of
living life for everyone else.And if you catch a particularly
(18:33):
juicy should DM me on Instagram.I love hearing what you're
working through.Um, and just, you know, or if there's
any extra topic ideas or questionsthat you have for future episodes,
I am absolutely all ears.But until next time, remember,
courage isn't about doing whatyou should.
It's about choosing what alignswith who you really are and what
(18:56):
you really want.So go choose you today. Hey you.
Thanks so much for tuning in tothis show.
If you enjoyed listening along,but you're still thinking, ah, Kate,
how do I actually put all of thisinto practice in my own life with my
own situations? I totally get it.This stuff is somewhat simple in
theory, but a lot harder in practice.Which is why I offer one on one
(19:20):
personalized life coaching for womenjust like you, who are ready to
get unstuck and the overwhelm andtake back control of their life.
That's right. I know that too.Let's get back to creating a
life body, relationship andcareer that you love.
Visit gladdin for more details on howwe can coach together and for extra
(19:42):
inspiration in between episodes.Make sure you join me on Instagram.
It's at Kate Gladdin.
Welcome to. Okay. Now what?I'm your host, Kate Gladdin,
and this is episode 36.This is the show for people who
know life doesn't happen to you.Life happens,
and the impact it has is up to you.Good morning. Afternoon, evening.
(00:20):
Whatever time it is that you'relistening to this,
I am so glad you're tuning in.This is my first full week at
home in a while and it has beenhonestly magical.
I on Saturday, uh, my husband and I,Nate and our dog Jake.
Like I slept in.We went out for brunch.
We went driving through themountains.
We went and got big,juicy steaks to cook on the Barbie.
(00:44):
That evening we sat by the fire.It was just one of those days
where I.I don't know, you're like, this is
what this is what life's all about.Just being outside, soaking up
sunshine with people you love.And, you know,
not every day can be that. Obviously.We've got to work hard for our goals.
But, you know, I really made anintentional choice in my life to
allow days like that where Idon't open up my laptop at all.
(01:08):
I'm not checking emails,I'm just being in the moment.
And, you know,there's always this idea of,
I could fit more clients in hereor do extra that, but then there's
a life that's got to be lived.And I hope hearing this, you also are
making sure that this month you'retaking a few days just like that,
just to be and especially be withthe people that you love most.
(01:32):
And in fact, I guess this episodekind of rolls in further into that,
into that point, are really wantingto talk about a sneaky little word
that silently runs the show orruns the lives of so many of us.
And it's not like a big crazy word.It's not a swear word or
(01:53):
anything big.It's just this little word should,
She should.Yeah, just that word should.
I know it sounds pretty harmless onits own, but the way that we use
it against ourselves and againstour own well-being is something
we really need to talk about.Because I'm not talking about,
like, the sexiest, obvious stuff.Like, I should eat more kale.
(02:17):
No, I'm particularly talkingabout the emotional,
guilt ridden shoulds, right?The ones that often sound like, oh,
I should really reply to all myemails before I log off work today.
Oh, I should really go along tothat girls trip next month,
even though I know I'll be exhaustedbecause I'm running conferences
and working some extra hours or I,you know, I should fly home for
(02:38):
my mom's birthday, or I shouldwear heels to work more often to
try and look more professional,or I shouldn't be spending this much
money. I should be saving more.I should be happier now.
Thinner by now. Right.Like, can we just pause for a second
and admit how heavy a should feels?Right?
And actually, when you thinkabout where you've been shutting
(03:00):
shooting on yourself, and maybeit's hard to think about it now,
but I just want you to pay attention.Even moving forward from this
episode on how often we shouldon ourselves, right?
Because here's the thing aboutshould.
On the surface,it sounds responsible,
even noble sometimes, right?Oh, I should just be the friend that
always goes to every friend's dinner,or the daughter that always
(03:21):
comes home, or the woman that'salways just professional or
always responsive to my emails,but often underneath shoulds.
The reason it's so freaking heavyand sometimes claustrophobic,
I don't know.I feel like when someone's
shooting on me, my I get smaller,like the room feels tighter,
like I have less space, right?It's like should is like so
(03:45):
claustrophobic.I don't think that's a word.
I'm trying to think of what theverb of, uh, claustrophobic is,
but we'll just roll with it isrestricting, right?
Because it's often really lacedwith so much guilt and An
obligation and fear, right?Particularly fear of what other
people will think of us if we door don't do that thing right.
(04:07):
And often, more often than not,I've realized, like it's not
even your own should speaking.It's not even your own voice, right?
It's a collection of expectationsthat you've absorbed from growing up,
whether it's like your parents,teachers, culture boss or that.
Yeah, that I know the influenceryou follow on line who always looks
like she has a life together,which I hate to break it to you.
(04:28):
She doesn't.She's just showing you what she
wants you to see.Uh, but I think that's also why
shooting leads to so much resentmentand heaviness is that it's not
even our own wants and desires.We're just picking them up or
what other what we think otherpeople want to us,
and then trying to live true to that.And psychologists actually call
(04:49):
this interjected motivation,where you've internalized someone
else's rules and made them your own.But my beautiful human,
your nervous system still knowsthe difference. Right.
That's why every should carry somuch tension and resentment, right?
Your nervous system this is knowsthis isn't really in alignment
with your own wants and andvalues and desires and joy.
(05:11):
It's this expectation that we'vepicked up and we're trying to like,
fit it in.It's like trying to put it.
What is it, a square in a roundhole kind of thing.
Like it's not really meant for us,but we're trying to make it work
in our lives.And your nervous system senses
that that quiet sense that you'rebetraying yourself just a little bit,
just to try and make someoneelse more comfortable or happier
(05:32):
or placate their needs. Right.So I really want to challenge
you this week.First and foremost,
just to start recognizing, right.You know, my three hour strategy,
we always start with recognizinglike, we've got to start.
We can't change something untilwe begin to notice it right and
become aware of it.So first and foremost,
(05:53):
not from judgment. We all do it.It all falls into our vocabulary.
But pay attention to how oftenyou say I should.
Dot dot dot and see what thingscome up right.
And what you notice. No judgment.No trying to fix it right away.
Just notice.You know, maybe you catch it when
you're deciding whether or not to goto that, uh, dinner party. Right?
(06:14):
Maybe you're scrolling late atnight and you think, oh,
I should get off my phone. Okay.And that last one,
I should get off my phone.That's actually something that
maybe you do technically reallywant for yourself.
It's not like an external thing.You're like,
I just feel like shit when I go tobed so late because I'm up scrolling.
That's something we'll talk aboutafter I teach this first tool,
because there are moments where,yeah, maybe that isn't just a
(06:37):
shortcut, something you want,but there's still, I think,
a better way to frame it in ourbrain because our brain is listening
to everything that we say to it,our nervous systems listening.
It's what creates our feelings.And anytime we're shutting, there's
just this tension and resentment.And I think that's half the time why
we rebel against ourselves a littlebit with these goals that we really,
actually do want, like to get offour phone and get to bed earlier.
But when we say it as a should,it almost because it feels like
(07:00):
it's an obligation that we like,quote unquote have to do.
We almost like try and rebelagainst ourselves.
So we'll talk about how to breakthat in a moment.
But first, I want to share a toolthat's really changed my life in a
way where I am living it so much inalignment with who I want to be.
Which guess what means?Sometimes disappointing others
(07:22):
means sometimes, quote unquote,letting people down, right?
Not being who they want or thinkI should be.
But ultimately,I've become a happier version of me.
I'm more free version,a more joyful version.
And ultimately that has actuallystrengthened the relationships
in my life.Because a happier me is just a
more fun me to be around.Because you could go to your friends
(07:43):
party, but if you're kind of sittingthere tired, like a little bit cranky
and tense like, you know, we go,but then we're not even having fun.
They're not that they're nothaving that fun with us.
Like, it would have just ultimatelybeen better to take that night
off and get the extra rest andreschedule with your friend.
So let me share this tool that Ishare with every coaching client
(08:03):
who's really stuck in this peoplepleasing cycle, and it's simply
to flip your should into a could.I know this sounds really simple,
but it's very powerful, right?So let's try it out with a few
examples.So instead of oh, I should fly
home for my mom's birthday.Let's flip that to I could fly
(08:25):
home for my mom's birthday, right?Notice how suddenly it's no
longer like a guilt trip?It's a choice. An option, right?
Because really, you can do anything.Like, there's limitless options
given to you at any given moment.And when you flip it from a
should to a could,it does instantly release that.
As I said, sense of obligation orresent like, oh, I should do this.
(08:47):
You're reminding yourself it's achoice.
And once you've flipped theshould to a could, ask yourself,
do I actually want to?And do I like my reason why, right?
That second part is really sopowerful because my coach who
(09:08):
certified me so Brooke Castillofrom the Life Coach school when
I did training with her, gosh,back in 2016 or something like that.
Um, she always like she taught me,you know, you can do whatever
you want as a human being.You have the agency and free
will to do whatever you want,whatever you like.
Just make sure you like yourreason for it.
(09:29):
And I really think that's sopowerful, like, um, to to make sure
we're not just going into to peoplepleasing because beneath people
pleasing. Oh, it seems so nice.No, it's just fear dressed up in
disguise.And it's honestly half the time
lying dressed up in disguise.So think of it this way.
Are you going to your mom going tofly to visit her for her birthday?
Because you really, you know,you love her. You want to be there.
(09:52):
It feels like the kind ofdaughter you want to be.
And it's not coming at a hugecost to other areas of your life
because I know all of us are like,well, yeah, I, I do love my mom.
It's not like I wouldn't.I'm not saying if you don't go,
it means you don't love her.But I think, um, you know,
as adult children now, like,I love my parents.
I live in a different countryacross the world from them.
(10:13):
And there's some nights where I dowant to talk to them. I do love them.
But I have been on eight hoursof zoom calls and coaching,
and I just can't converse like Ican't conversate, as I like to say,
but I really just.I don't have anything left in me.
I just need to switch out.I zone out so I'll text them like,
hey, I've had too big of a day,can't chat,
I'm not gonna answer your call.And so I still love them,
(10:34):
but I'm I'm not overextendingmyself just to please them
because I know it wouldn't makethem happy to answer the call,
but it's that too much for me.So I tell myself I could answer
the call, but if I did,it would just be to please them
and make them happy. But it comes.I don't like that reason because it
comes at a huge expense to me. Right?So the same goes if you want to go
visit a mom for a birthday and like,yeah, you know what?
(10:55):
I've got a pretty light schedule.The flights are reasonable.
It's not going to, you know,make us stressful to pay our next
mortgage payment or something likego all in. Make the most of it.
Be all there and love it.But if you're going just because
you're terrified of disappointingher, or you're a bad daughter,
if you don't and you're really justtrying to control how she feels,
so then you can feel okay about howyou feel about you as a daughter.
(11:18):
That's the wrong way about it, right?Her feelings are not your
responsibility.How you feel is right.
And make your decisions out of guiltand trying to control your mom.
That's not love, right?That's fear disguised as, like, duty.
And so that's why it's justreally getting clear.
I could do this. Do I want to?And do I like my reason?
(11:41):
Because I've got to say somethinghard but honest, like people pleasing
is not the same as being kind.Kindness comes from love, right?
And I do think there's moments wherewe're going to make some sacrifices.
Like there are some times where,you know, my parents go, I'm like,
oh, you know what? Like, I've got it.I've got energy today.
I can take five out of my day.Like, I know what this means to them.
(12:01):
And I can really get into a clean,loving place.
And I love chatting with themand it's so fun.
But people pleasing comes from fear.Usually the fear of rejection or
fear of conflict, right.And confrontation.
So we just try and go with theflow and keep the peace.
But the problem is there is nopeace internally for you, right?
Because you're going against yourown needs and wants and what's
(12:24):
going to keep your cup full.And when you're constantly saying yes
just to avoid disappointing people,all you're really doing is just
disappointing yourself,abandoning yourself over and
over and over again.And that one voice in your head,
that's the one voice you can'tescape.
That's the one you got to live with.24 seven. Right.
You become someone who's exhausted,resentful, and quietly disconnected
(12:46):
from your own life and goals andvalues, and that's no way to live.
Well, it is a way to live,but it's not one that's going to
make you happy or fulfilled. Right.So people pleasing is not kindness.
It's just fear.dressed in this polite fake
behavior like it really is fake.It's lying, right?
And you can't keep living from thisplace where you're like overdrawing
(13:07):
from your own emotional bank accountover and over and over again and not
really making choices in alignmentwith your wants and happiness.
You're eventually going to go intodebt, right into emotional debt,
of completely feeling exhausted.And then that just causes, you know,
sometimes we people please to avoidconflict, but it causes so much
tension and resentment for us thatdown the track, it ends up causing
(13:28):
even more conflict than how we'vejust been honest in the beginning.
So what's the alternative?You take your power back.
You choose your yeses and youown your nose, right?
You stop asking, what should I do?And start asking, what do I want
to do? And does that align?Who with who I want to be in
this moment?Does it align with taking care of
(13:51):
myself and not robbing from all theseother areas of my life, just to try
and keep one person happy, Right.And I think the other thing I want
to mention, because as I said,these are often like, I should do
this for other people or whatnot.But there's some trickier shoulds,
the ones that technically supportyour own health and growth.
(14:11):
Like, I should go to the gym.I should drink more water.
I should spend less time on my phone.And these are all great intentions,
right? I really think so.But if you've kind of struggled
to get momentum going with them,like you keep skipping the gym or
keep staying up late scrollingor not drinking water, it's
probably because you keep tellingyourself you should be doing it.
Which again, for me,it's like a little little in a
(14:32):
rebel comes to play and she's like,yeah, but I don't want to.
Don't tell me what to do.And so for these goals,
stop shooting on your goals too.You're just creating tension and
resentment of them. Just slip.Do the same thing.
Flip it into a could, right.Because that energy of
resentment is not going to fuelyou to take the action, right?
(14:52):
Because our energy and ourfeelings fuel our actions.
So if you're kind of self-sabotagingand you're not getting momentum
going. Philip, you're into a could.I could go to the gym this week.
I could cap out back my screen time.And then ask yourself, why would
I want to? What's my reason why?Maybe it's because the gym helps
you feel stronger,more confident, calmer. Right.
(15:15):
I like to joke that, like, you know,my my gym is my therapy, so I don't,
you know, turn into a crazy person.Like,
it helps keep me sane and grounded.Or maybe putting your phone down
helps you be more present withyour partner, or less anxious,
or get more sleep.And so you can see like, oh wait,
this isn't a sure, this is actuallylike a could an option, a choice.
(15:35):
And I actually want to. Right.So now it's no longer like a
punishment, an obligation.It's an act of self-love.
It's an act of self-respect.It's an act of self-growth
towards your goals. Right.And what this all comes back to
is values, right?When you make decisions based on
validation, especially externalvalidation of what other people will
think, you lose yourself, right?You lose the validation that
(16:00):
matters the most.And that's your own approval.
Because, you know, deep down you'refaking it. You're not being real.
You're just scared, little scaredycat. Just trying to please the world.
And that doesn't feel great.It's really hard to win over
your own opinion when you'reliving life that way.
But when you make choices based onyour values, who you want to be,
how you want to feel, the life youwant to create, you find your way
back to yourself again and again.You approve of yourself again
(16:22):
and again.You validate yourself again and
again, and no one can take thatpower from you when you know how
to show up in the world of thatplace of self validation.
That isn't selfish either.You actually have more love and
kindness and joy to bring theworld because you're happier,
happy people and nicer people.Kind of people,
more generous people, right?So really ask yourself,
(16:43):
when you're trying to make a choice,you flip the should to a could
and then really reflect on doesthis choice align with my values?
Am I doing this from love or fear andI'm choosing this version of me?
Or am I trying to prove I'm goodenough? Right?
Because if you're just trying toprove something or get the
validation or avoid something,then you end up creating the very
(17:05):
thing you're trying to avoid.You create more tension,
more conflict, even,especially if it's internal conflict.
And as I said,that's just no way to live life.
Your life is not a checklist ofshoulds.
It's not a report card to hand in theend. Right. It's it's a creation.
And you are the artist.You're the one in the driver's
seat getting to create this.There's nothing you should do
(17:27):
with your life.That's just what you could do
and what you want to do.So this week, let's all do a little
should detox together, right?Write down every time you hear
yourself say I should. Dot dot dot.Then flip it till I could and
decide deliberately using yourprefrontal brain.
Not the fearful little ants,not those automatic negative
(17:47):
thoughts that are going to come up.Like, what were they thinking? No.
What are you going to thinkabout this decision? Right.
What is your reason for it?And do you like that reason?
If not, let that be yourpermission slip. You could.
You don't want to and that is enough.Okay, my beautiful humans, that is
(18:09):
it today, this month, April, orwhatever month you're listening to.
Even if it's ten years from now, do ashould detox really be intentional of
flipping your shoulds to keywords?And if this episode resonated
with you, please screenshot it,share a new socials, tag me in it
at gladdin or send it to a friendwho's really stuck in the loop of
living life for everyone else.And if you catch a particularly
(18:33):
juicy should DM me on Instagram.I love hearing what you're
working through.Um, and just, you know, or if there's
any extra topic ideas or questionsthat you have for future episodes,
I am absolutely all ears.But until next time, remember,
courage isn't about doing whatyou should.
It's about choosing what alignswith who you really are and what
(18:56):
you really want.So go choose you today. Hey you.
Thanks so much for tuning in tothis show.
If you enjoyed listening along,but you're still thinking, ah, Kate,
how do I actually put all of thisinto practice in my own life with my
own situations? I totally get it.This stuff is somewhat simple in
theory, but a lot harder in practice.Which is why I offer one on one
(19:20):
personalized life coaching for womenjust like you, who are ready to
get unstuck and the overwhelm andtake back control of their life.
That's right. I know that too.Let's get back to creating a
life body, relationship andcareer that you love.
Visit gladdin for more details on howwe can coach together and for extra
(19:42):
inspiration in between episodes.Make sure you join me on Instagram.
It's at Kate Gladdin.
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