March 8, 2025 • 29 mins
Terri Cole returns to share powerful insights on building a supportive community and setting boundaries in friendships that no longer serve us. We explore how to cultivate meaningful connections and surround ourselves with people who truly want us to win.
• Taking a friendship inventory to evaluate which relationships truly support your growth
• Creating a "VIP section" in your life for people who celebrate your successes
• Managing friendship breakups, which can sometimes be harder than romantic breakups
• Setting boundaries with friends who consistently drain your energy
• Using energetic cord-cutting to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships
• Understanding the difference between helping someone and overstepping boundaries
• Identifying patterns in relationships using Terri's "Three Cues for Clarity"
• Learning how past experiences influence current relationships
• Transforming your community through mastermind groups and intentional connection
Check out Terri's mastermind for ambitious women at terricole.com/flourish or join her community at terricole.com/TCM. Pick up her books "Boundary Boss" and "Too Much" to deepen your understanding of healthy relationships.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Redesigning Life.
I'm your host, sabrina Soto,and this is the space where we
have honest conversations aboutpersonal growth, mindset shifts
and creating a life that feelstruly aligned.
In each episode, I'll talk toexperts in their fields who
share their insights to help youstep into your higher self.
Let's redesign your life fromthe inside out.
Terry Cole, welcome toRedesigning Life yet again.
(00:25):
This is your third time on andI'll tell you why because you're
one of my favorite people andyou are my friend and I love you
so much that I just love yourbooks.
I've given them to people asgifts.
Codependency is your game andboundaries, so I what I wanted
(00:46):
to talk to you about today iscommunity.
How important it is for you tobuild a full life is creating a
community, and I think in ourage it's sort of difficult to do
that, and I want your tips andtricks on how to sort of collect
the people in your life thatwill hold you up instead of
drown you.
Are you okay?
Speaker 2 (01:06):
with that Indeed.
Okay, let's dish.
Let's dive in.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
This morning I was actually at a round table with a
bunch of badass women and Ilove doing things like that
because I love goodconversations, I love women,
supporting women and I realizedthat it's rare.
It's rare A lot of people talkbut not a lot of people walk.
So what sort of advice can yougive to people?
(01:34):
How do you cultivate, startingto create a world in which you
attract a new circle to supportyou in your life?
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Well, listen, sometimes we just do it right,
sometimes meaning we do it outin the wild, and other times we
have to be proactive in makingit happen.
So there's lots of differentproactive ways, but if we were
talking about what does theperson have to do to sort of
call in higher qualityfriendships or relationships,
because that's really what we'retalking about we all want
(02:07):
friends who truly support us, weall want to have connections
with people who want us to win,and that isn't always the case,
and so I feel like we have to goin before we go out and really
looking at, you know, do a quick.
What I would say if we were,you know, if this was a therapy
(02:27):
client, I would talk about doinga quick friendship inventory
where we really look at, okay,so who's in my life and can I
really tell them the truth abouthow I feel?
Are they?
Because really, you know this,sabrina, all of us at one point
or another have had a friendthat we're afraid to tell the
(02:49):
good things to.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Right.
That we're afraid they're goingto be jealous or they're going
to be mad it's not about them orthey're going to, even if they
say they're happy for us.
You know that they're going tosort of think or say but what
about me?
Yes, so let's first talk aboutqualities of real support and
community.
And what does it look like?
(03:12):
Who was it Not Jen Aniston?
The other Jen, jen Garner, saidnot that long ago there was an
article that she had beeninterviewed about friendships
and she said an article that shehad been interviewed about
friendships and she said I don'thave any friendships in my life
where guilt is a part of it.
We all go through phases.
She's like I have friends if Ihaven't seen them in months,
(03:36):
even years, but I've loved themand maybe they're really busy or
they moved away or whatever itis.
She's like I.
It took me years to sort ofclean up what I would call your
VIP section.
Right, to clean it up, whereyou have people who are just
happy to be in your life, whojust love you, who it's not them
controlling you.
(03:57):
Right.
There's gotta be liberation,where you can give, you can be
in the friendship.
If you are going throughsomething in your life, your
friend doesn't make what you'regoing through worse by being
like well, what about me?
I really wanted you to come outon Saturday, but you didn't.
Right Like we don't need that.
So I'm with Jen Gardner infeeling like friendships with
(04:20):
guilt, I feel like we're playingsomething else out and listen.
This doesn't mean you can'thave feelings, you can't have
real conversations with yourfriends.
Of course you can, but there'sa certain level of and I've had
this I recently actually ended afriendship in the past five
years of someone who I wasfriends with for a very long
time and there was a lot ofobligation and guilt and I
(04:42):
thought, yuck, what is yourexperience with that?
Speaker 1 (04:53):
I had the same thing happen to me in the last five
years and, weirdly, this personreached out to me and I thought
about you, terry, because okay,for people who maybe haven't
heard the past podcast withTerry, terry wrote two books
Boundary Boss and Too Much.
Too Much is Behind, if you'rewatching, too Much is Behind Her
.
And I thought about theboundaries and I thought about
you because when they reachedout, I thought do I want to pick
(05:13):
up this friendship the way itwas before and has this person
changed?
And it seemed like the answerwas no and it was hard for me
because of my codependence andmy people pleasing that I just
wanted to be the good girl andcall back and be friends again.
But I realized and I love yourVIP section situation because I
(05:34):
want to surround myself withpeople that really do love me
and support me and I want tosupport them too, and sometimes
it's difficult that I thinkfriendship breakups are
sometimes as bad as relationshipbreakups.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Without a doubt, and in fact sometimes they're more
complicated and more fraught.
I've had therapy clients who,you know, have sort of been able
to weather their romanticbreakups better than their
friendships.
I can't tell you how many timesI'm speaking somewhere about
boundaries and about friendshipsand about frenemies and about,
you know, toxic relationships,and people will say I'm in a
(06:11):
long term friendship and I haveto, I just have to end it.
And I'm like, well, have youhad a conversation?
And they're like no, no, no, Ican't talk to her.
There's no.
I'm like, okay, let's startwith the fact that you can have
the conversation because, listen, there's ways to just say, hey,
I love you and what we'veshared and I've outgrown this
(06:33):
friendship, it's becomeunhealthy for me Wait.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Terry, no, Terry, nobody's nobody can do that Like
, yes, you can do that, you cando that, you can do that, but I
just don't see a world in whichthat I can.
There's maybe one person I'vehad that conversation with, but
I don't.
I don't think anybody listeningcan, can see themselves or
really doing that.
So how can you do it anotherway?
Speaker 2 (06:55):
That's not so Listen, what?
Listen?
All right, I'm going to giveyou another way.
If the friendship has becomelike you're fighting a lot,
there's a lot of like, bickering, there's a lot of back and
forth, there's a lot of like,but you and but you, you both
know it's become unhealthy,Right.
So I think it's okay to saylisten, I feel like we bicker
and fight more than we just hangout, and for both of us it this
(07:18):
has become unhealthy.
Yes.
I think if there's bickering,but maybe if you've just
outgrown somebody, is it okayand I'm asking for a friend Is
it okay to just sort of takeyour distance without having to
have a conversation?
Absolutely, but I'll tell you abetter way to do it, which is
we're still not going to have aconversation.
But there's an energetic thingthat you can do.
(07:39):
If you're in relationships withpeople and it's already sort of
starting to fade and you knowit's not a healthy relationship,
you can I call it an energetichit list where you can write the
person down and you canvisualize them like sort of
floating away.
Right, you can visualize.
There's this exercise that youcan do.
(07:59):
It's like you're breathing inon every exhalation.
You're sort of seeing them in apink bubble, like floating
towards the horizon.
Like you're breathing in onevery exhalation.
You're sort of seeing them in apink bubble, like floating
towards the horizon, Like you'renot doing anything mean, we're
not wishing anything mean onanyone.
It's sort of a way to cutenergetic cords.
And there's many ways to cutenergetic cords and you guys can
just look it up on Google ifyou want to.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
I've done actual meditations, guided meditations,
cord cutting ones, and theywork for me.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
Yes, and me too.
And just deciding that I'mgoing to be disentangled from
someone, just just making thatdecision energetically,
something shifts.
Because what I noticed aboutmyself when I was in a
relationship, a friendship thatI felt obligated to, I realized
I was the one keeping it goingto out of guilt.
(08:45):
I would be like, oh, I haven'ttalked to this person in such a
long time.
I really should reach out tothem and see how they are,
because I know they're going tobe mad but yeah, the wrong
reasons, all the wrong reasons.
You know what I mean.
It's costing, yes, and why am Ireaching out to keep a
friendship going that I kind ofliterally don't even want
anymore?
And this is what we're talkingabout today in this episode is
(09:12):
like a pattern interruptionwhere, first of all, we have to
give ourselves permission tokeep the VIP section of our life
really for VIPs, which is thoseare people who there's the
mutuality where you like, as ourfriendship.
Sam, you fill up my cup and Ifill up your cup.
When it's your show, literally,I'm in the front row, clapping
(09:33):
my hands and jumping up and downand doing whatever I can to
support and promote because Ilove you and because you are
incredibly talented and funnyand gorgeous and all the things
that you know.
I hold you in high esteem.
That's how I actually feelabout you and it's not words.
My behavior shows you thatthat's true.
It's true, right.
So it's the same thing for me,you do the same for me, shouting
(09:55):
it from the rooftops, but again, not as a favor, as a sincere
belief in the work that I'mdoing, or whatever, and I think
that that we belong in eachother's VIP sections.
Yeah, right, but there's manypeople over the years who I sort
of have ushered out of my VIPsection.
What about you?
Speaker 1 (10:16):
Yes, I mean especially because I feel like I
am moving into a new chapter inmy life.
Yeah Right, and I want to leave.
You know, it's like I'm almostwriting a new book.
I'm writing a new book and Ikind of want to go into another
bookstore but my other pages arestill in the old bookstore and
(10:37):
I'm like, oh my, I'm in betweenand I'm not saying I want to get
rid of people in my life, but Ihave different likes now that
I'm not the same person I was 15years ago.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
And.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
I don't want to do the same things that I did 15
years ago, 15 years ago, and Idon't want to do the same things
that that I did 15 years ago.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
So it's, I want, yeah , I want to sort of take
inventory of my VIP section.
Yes, and, and listen, we canall do that, right, taking a
branch of inventory.
This is not being like who'sgoing to be on the cutting block
necessarily, right, it'stelling the truth to ourselves,
right, and we can put, we canput some of the questions in the
show notes.
I have a little teeny exercisethat people can do, which
basically, you're really lookingat who you're spending time
with and then how do you feel?
(11:21):
Right, I leave a lunch with youand I feel energized, I feel
excited, I feel lit up aboutwhat you're doing and the
positive changes in your lifeand it just makes me so happy
because I love you.
Right, that's, that'sfriendship.
Sometimes, back in the day, or10 years ago, or five years ago,
I might leave a conversationwith someone and feel drained,
(11:42):
feel tired, feel put upon.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
Right, but okay, and I think there's some people
probably listening that go, okay, but everybody in my life is
sort of like that.
Maybe they live in the sametown they grew up in and they're
wanting to expand their lifeand I don't know.
It could be a million differentreasons.
How do you start to take thatinventory?
And just a real quick note likeyou said, it's not about
(12:05):
cutting everybody out of yourlife and starting from scratch.
You don't have to do that atall.
Nor do I recommend it.
I'm sure you don't recommendthat.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
Of course not, because this wouldn't have
anyone in our life If everyonewho annoyed us or drained us we
got rid of.
So it's not that, but it doesgive us an opportunity to look
at our boundaries, right, if weare letting a friend who
endlessly complains all the timeabout the same shit that they
never changed right, we all havethat friend Then then you have
to have boundaries around howmuch time you're going to spend
(12:34):
with them.
You have to decide.
Maybe you don't talk to them atnight when you're tired and you
just say, hey, I'm putting myphone down at six.
You guys, unless it's anemergency, I'm literally keeping
, because Vic and I now havestarted having a basket at the
front door for the phones.
Like, just know that.
No, no phones when we're eatingever, but no phones when we're
(12:55):
watching a movie.
Just watch the goddamn movie.
Please Just stop movie watchingwhile you're scrolling IG.
It is so bad for your brain, butit's also it does something.
It's almost like technologybecomes like a mistress or a
lover in in relationships whenwe let it insert itself too much
(13:15):
.
So I'm really doing my best tomove that out.
And with my friendships too,I'm not talking to anyone when
I'm looking at the top of theirhead.
No, thank you, because I couldbe doing shit too right.
I don't need that.
So I think that, anyway, backto you have.
Maybe you have betterboundaries with people and when
you do, maybe you wouldn't feelso much.
(13:36):
And I don't mean you, you, Ijust mean in general.
Maybe we wouldn't feel like weneeded to get away from them,
because part of the overwhelm is, if we are not establishing
boundaries as we go, that's whenpeople hit the wall and go.
I got to get out of thisfriendship because you've been
not honest for so long thatyou're like I have a joke with
(13:57):
my friend Paul.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
I just say beep, beep , and a beep beep to me is that
I'm staying in my lane this yearand I have friends who is what
you just said keep complainingabout the same things and do
nothing about it.
And they call me all the time.
And I did this kind of at thebeginning of the year.
I called you know those friendsand I said I love you so much
that I, if you want my advice onthis, I'll give it to you once
(14:20):
now.
Other than that, if you want tovent, that's fine, but I'm not
going to say a word.
I'll listen for a little bit,but only for a little bit, and
then I'm going.
I cannot.
I cannot continue to take thison, because you're making this
my problem and it's not myproblem.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
And really, if we were to actually be accurate,
you made it your problem becauseyou're a high functioning
codependent and they, theywanted you to.
So everyone was happy with thatagreement until you were not
happy with that agreement and Ifully, I'm fully on board with
the blanket statement of Right.
(14:57):
I got better things to do withmy life and I think that that's
fair, like I don't think that'sthat's being mean, because part
of it is you also.
The truth is and we know thisfrom high functioning
codependency is that you don'tknow what they need to do and I
don't know what they need to do,just like your sister.
That story about your sistersister Exactly my sister being
(15:19):
in a terrible relationship, inan abusive relationship, living
in the woods, without runningwater, with no electricity, just
a whole nightmare, and Ithought it was my job to get her
out until my therapist and Ihad been trying for a long time,
bawling my eyes out until mytherapist was like, uh, hello,
what makes you think you knowwhat your sister needs to learn
and how she needs to learn it inthis life?
(15:41):
And I was like wow, I don't know, am I allowed to not quote,
unquote save her Cause?
I thought that was my job asher sister.
And she was like hey, that'simpossible.
I'm not saying you shouldn'tsave your sister, I'm saying you
can't.
That it's an inside job.
She's got to be ready to bedone with that relationship and
(16:04):
you can have a boundary thatsays hey, I can't talk about
this guy, like I love you and ifyou ever want to get out, I'm
here for you.
Which is exactly what I did,which, of course, was very
challenging and I felt veryguilty about it.
But less than nine months later, she called me and said hey,
are you still my person?
Speaker 1 (16:20):
I'm ready and I was like yeah, man getting in my car
, and so that why that'simportant is I think some people
would think that before youwere saying well, no, you
shouldn't be responsible foranyone.
It's like, no, you can show upfor people.
You can show up for people whenthey ask and they need your
help and they're willing to makechange.
Yes, that is when you become aquote unquote good friend and
(16:41):
you're there, but you don't needto insert yourself in every
daily detail to fix their lives,because what you will end up
doing is drowning yourself.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
Yes, and what I like to say about that situation is
that then Vic and Iappropriately helped her.
Then Vic and I appropriatelyhelped her, we were able to
offer her this little we hadthis little teeny lake house
that we winterized so that shewould have a chance like a clean
slate, so she could have liketwo years of not paying rent.
She decided to go back toschool.
(17:12):
She got sober, but that'sappropriate.
She said I would.
I said I offered it when shewas whatever and she said, yes,
that would be amazing.
Thank you so much.
But there were no stringsattached because we were able to
do that.
It didn't cost us a lot ofmoney to do it.
We already owned the place.
We put a little money intorenovating, but those that's an
appropriate way.
(17:32):
And in the end, instead of mebeing the hero of my sister's
story, throwing on my cape andquote unquote saving, she, got
to be the hero of her own storyand that transformed her
self-worth, her self-esteem.
That was decades ago.
She's still sober.
She's never been in anotherabusive relationship Like.
Would that have happened had Iquote unquote saved her?
(17:54):
No, she would have beenhumiliated.
Her baby sister fixing it allfor her again.
Right, it feels loving, we feellike we got to do it, but
really it's not.
It's overstepping boundariesactually.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
I feel so incredibly lucky that I have you as a
friend, because if shit goesdown, I could always call you.
I love that you do a mastermindfor people because not everyone
has the luxury of having TerryCole as their friend.
Can you tell people about themastermind?
(18:29):
Because there's been so manytransformations with the people,
the women that come, and Ithink that there are people
probably that want change anddon't know where to start, so
can you talk a little bit aboutit?
I?
Speaker 2 (18:40):
sure can.
I started doing this aboutthree years ago because people
were asking me and I don't knowwhere to start.
So can you talk a little bitabout it?
I sure can.
I started doing this aboutthree years ago because people
were asking me and I don'treally have a private therapy
practice per se a few highprofile people, but that's it.
And I love groups.
You know I'm such a group girland what I learned how to do in
my life.
So you have the successfulbusiness of building an empire.
(19:02):
Basically, I've got a top 20rated mental health podcast for
the last 10 years.
I've got, you know, a four bookdeal for my first book deal.
You know all of these thingsnot bragging, this is just the
truth of like.
I spent many, many yearsbecoming an expert in my field
and then started doing thesethings.
So the mastermind is forambitious women who know that
(19:23):
there's more for them, who knowsthat there's more joy, more
satisfaction, more money, hardcold cash.
People who want to scale theirbusinesses or get out of their
businesses.
I've had everyone fromtherapists to coaches to an.
Last year I had an oncologistwho lives in London who decided
she wanted to open up a moreholistic medical practice and
(19:46):
sort of get out of oncology anddo more holistic health, and I
helped her do that.
Like there's, there's alldifferent people and then you
could have someone who isdoesn't know what they want to
do, who was a mortgage brokerbut wanted to do something
different.
And while she was in themastermind container right, and
it's a very small containerthere's usually 10 women in it
(20:08):
and we're together for ninemonths.
So this year 2025, we'restarting in the in mid March.
I think our first mini is March13th.
So you know it's it's intimate,because even though all my
other friends who do mastermindshave like 40 people in it, I
can't do it like that because Imeet individually with people
three times each in the over thenine months.
(20:28):
Each person meets with meindividually and it's the only
way to get that one-on-one workwith me.
But then each week we meet, wedo co-working sessions together,
we do sessions together, we doI have guests come in.
I also do one-on-one coachingonce a month in that group.
So there's all kinds of supportthat you have besides creating
(20:51):
the support of the containeritself.
So you have all of theseamazing women and many of them,
when they first came in, did nothave great experiences with
other women.
And me personally, I've alwaysjust me had great experiences
with other women.
This is part of not perfect,but just.
Speaker 1 (21:10):
I've always loved the power of gathering women, but
you're the one who started thatin my life, that is true.
Years ago you invited me to alunch with other women, and some
of those women are stillfriends of mine to this day.
You do connect other women andbad-ass women too, together.
(21:31):
But for anyone listening ifthey're listening to this
episode after the mid mid March.
You still do onboardingthroughout the year too.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
Yes, I'll be, I will be doing onboarding and I also
have a community, if people are.
I also have a Terry Colemembership, so it's just
terrycolecom TCM and for theother it's terrycolecom forward
slash flourish, which is thename of the mastermind, so we
can put them both in the shownotes.
I will.
But when I was thinking aboutthe women who we gather is how
much lives transformed andpeople who never would have,
(22:05):
never would have like gone forbuying this new house, that was,
you know, outside of theircomfort level, of what they
thought they needed to selltheir house for a certain amount
, and the whole group, we wereall just manifesting.
And while we were together inDenver that year, she got the
call that they accepted heroffer and she was like, oh my
(22:26):
God, I have to sell my house.
And within five.
I was like, oh, you're going tosell your house within five
days.
And she literally sold herhouse on day four.
And you know, you're the queenof manifesting, that there's
something about our collectiveintention for each other that is
so incredibly powerful, becauseif I believe I can do it for me
(22:47):
, part of my ability to believeit is because you believe I can
do it for me, and then we, alsowithin the group we share, like
the women, will have privatecoffee dates with each other,
right, so that each person, eachpeople, get to know each other,
and then we meet as a group forthree days, twice during that
(23:08):
time.
So, like this year, I think it'sgoing to be San Diego and I'm
not sure the other one, whichwon't be until October I was
going to do, I was going to doParis, but don't feel like, with
the state of everything, maybewe should be leaving the country
.
So maybe it's going to be it'llbe somewhere else.
But the reality is it doesn'tnecessarily matter where you're
gathering, because it's a deepdive into being together.
(23:28):
And what makes this unique isthat it's because I've been a
psychotherapist for 27 years.
You have these two massivecolumns, where the business
column is this side, I also haveguests come in and working
sessions, but then we have thepsychological piece, because how
many women suffer from theimposter syndrome?
Speaker 1 (23:49):
Oh, my gosh Right, every day, every day.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
Right, but we normalize it through talking
about it, and you know becauseyou do.
We normalize it through talkingabout it, and you know because
I do one-on-ones with everyone.
I also get a really deep andintimate idea of the roadmap of
your life before now Becausetherapeutically I can sort of
see something might be happeningat work and I can help you
(24:18):
understand.
Oh, this sounds a lot like thatbully situation you had in
sixth grade or your brother whois mean to you or whatever it is
, because psychologically, a lotof times we really need someone
else to help us figure out whyam I either keeping my life
small or staying in arelationship that's crappy or
whatever it is?
So I don't know how to do thebusiness aspect without also
(24:42):
cleaning up the personal stuffand helping with the personal
stuff.
So I do believe it is a reallyunique.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
Because, yes, you're right, because every, every I
don't know what the word, theright word, would be, but every
sort of um situation that's notso great that you get into, I
think, in a business realm youknow, in in that category has to
do with something that happenedin your childhood.
And if you continue to attracta narcissistic boss, I'm sure
(25:11):
there's some sort of tie withwhere one of your parents are
narcissists, you know, and I not.
You know, the one and onlyTerry Cole is priceless.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
Well, what I can say?
Thank you for saying that, andyou are absolutely right,
sabrina, about you know what Icall them repeating relationship
realities, where we are tryingto work something out.
If you find yourself repeatedlyin an unsatisfying whether it's
a romantic situation or a worksituation, any situation, even
with friends I'm going to giveyou guys a tip right now that
(25:46):
you can use and we can throw inthe show notes.
That's easy, breezy for you todissect and understand where you
might be having a transference,which means responding in real
time, fueled by a situation fromthe past that needs your
attention.
So let's just say the exampleyou gave is a great one, sabrina
(26:07):
.
Let's say you keep attractingnarcissistic bosses.
You're going to ask yourselfthese three questions.
I call them the three cues forclarity.
I use them all the time in mypersonal life and in my therapy
life, and you'll be using themnow too.
You could keep them right inyour back pocket.
First question who does thisperson remind me of?
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
Second question where have I felt like this before?
Third question how is thisbehavioral dynamic?
So let's say it's anarcissistic boss who is, you
can never please them.
So the dynamic would be youkilling yourself, twisting
yourself up in a pretzel,lighting yourself on fire to
please this person and still notbeing able to please them, or
(26:51):
being able to please them oncein a while.
So that reinforces you tryingto please them and you may see
if you ask those three questions, I guarantee you something will
come to mind.
May see, if you ask those threequestions, I guarantee you
something will come to mind,especially if this is a repeated
(27:11):
problem, because that is one ofthe indicators that there is a
past or an original injury, Iwould call it.
That needs your attention.
And the last part of thequestion that we can add is when
I am interacting with my bosslike this, if we use that
example metaphorically, who doesmy boss become and who do I
become?
So you may become your 10 yearold self and they may become
(27:31):
like your mean father eventhough they're not.
So why does this matter?
Because if we're having atransference in our professional
lives that we're unaware of,who wants their 10 year old
running the show for theircareer?
You don't.
So this is very valuableinformation, so let's just say
you go.
Oh, my God, I just realizedright now I attract narcissistic
(27:55):
bosses because my father or mymother was a narcissist.
Now we have an actual place, sothose questions will act as a
GPS for you to go.
Oh, I need to work on whathappened in my childhood with my
narcissistic father, becauseit's still here.
And if it's still charged, itmeans you have work to do.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
Boom shakalaka.
Oh my gosh, terry, seriously.
Thank you so much If everyonewho's listening, if you're
driving, don't worry, look atthe show notes when you're done,
I'm going to put Terry's linksto her, both of her books, which
I highly recommend, and theexercise that you were talking
(28:37):
about, and also the mastermindand your community.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
Yes, please, I would love to have any and all of you
come apply.
And here's the thing Even ifyou're not sure, apply and I'll
hop on a call.
No, no strings attached.
We will immediately hop on a 20or 30 minute call just to see
if it might be right for you.
I did that last year withsomeone and then, or two years
ago, and they didn't join thatyear but they joined the next
(29:01):
year.
So my feeling is for me.
I love meeting new people.
I have no problem.
So fill out the application andjust see you know you've got
nothing to lose, nothing to loseRight.
And I'm still waiting on allyour problems in 20 minutes.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
Oh, I love it.
Can I do this?
Yes, you can Thank you, Terry.
Speaker 2 (29:18):
Thank you for having me you.
Welcome to Redesigning Life.
I'm your host, sabrina Soto,and this is the space where we
have honest conversations aboutpersonal growth, mindset shifts
and creating a life that feelstruly aligned.
In each episode, I'll talk toexperts in their fields who
share their insights to help youstep into your higher self.
Let's redesign your life fromthe inside out.
Terry Cole, welcome toRedesigning Life yet again.
(00:25):
This is your third time on andI'll tell you why because you're
one of my favorite people andyou are my friend and I love you
so much that I just love yourbooks.
I've given them to people asgifts.
Codependency is your game andboundaries, so I what I wanted
(00:46):
to talk to you about today iscommunity.
How important it is for you tobuild a full life is creating a
community, and I think in ourage it's sort of difficult to do
that, and I want your tips andtricks on how to sort of collect
the people in your life thatwill hold you up instead of
drown you.
Are you okay?
Speaker 2 (01:06):
with that Indeed.
Okay, let's dish.
Let's dive in.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
This morning I was actually at a round table with a
bunch of badass women and Ilove doing things like that
because I love goodconversations, I love women,
supporting women and I realizedthat it's rare.
It's rare A lot of people talkbut not a lot of people walk.
So what sort of advice can yougive to people?
(01:34):
How do you cultivate, startingto create a world in which you
attract a new circle to supportyou in your life?
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Well, listen, sometimes we just do it right,
sometimes meaning we do it outin the wild, and other times we
have to be proactive in makingit happen.
So there's lots of differentproactive ways, but if we were
talking about what does theperson have to do to sort of
call in higher qualityfriendships or relationships,
because that's really what we'retalking about we all want
(02:07):
friends who truly support us, weall want to have connections
with people who want us to win,and that isn't always the case,
and so I feel like we have to goin before we go out and really
looking at, you know, do a quick.
What I would say if we were,you know, if this was a therapy
(02:27):
client, I would talk about doinga quick friendship inventory
where we really look at, okay,so who's in my life and can I
really tell them the truth abouthow I feel?
Are they?
Because really, you know this,sabrina, all of us at one point
or another have had a friendthat we're afraid to tell the
(02:49):
good things to.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Right.
That we're afraid they're goingto be jealous or they're going
to be mad it's not about them orthey're going to, even if they
say they're happy for us.
You know that they're going tosort of think or say but what
about me?
Yes, so let's first talk aboutqualities of real support and
community.
And what does it look like?
(03:12):
Who was it Not Jen Aniston?
The other Jen, jen Garner, saidnot that long ago there was an
article that she had beeninterviewed about friendships
and she said an article that shehad been interviewed about
friendships and she said I don'thave any friendships in my life
where guilt is a part of it.
We all go through phases.
She's like I have friends if Ihaven't seen them in months,
(03:36):
even years, but I've loved themand maybe they're really busy or
they moved away or whatever itis.
She's like I.
It took me years to sort ofclean up what I would call your
VIP section.
Right, to clean it up, whereyou have people who are just
happy to be in your life, whojust love you, who it's not them
controlling you.
(03:57):
Right.
There's gotta be liberation,where you can give, you can be
in the friendship.
If you are going throughsomething in your life, your
friend doesn't make what you'regoing through worse by being
like well, what about me?
I really wanted you to come outon Saturday, but you didn't.
Right Like we don't need that.
So I'm with Jen Gardner infeeling like friendships with
(04:20):
guilt, I feel like we're playingsomething else out and listen.
This doesn't mean you can'thave feelings, you can't have
real conversations with yourfriends.
Of course you can, but there'sa certain level of and I've had
this I recently actually ended afriendship in the past five
years of someone who I wasfriends with for a very long
time and there was a lot ofobligation and guilt and I
(04:42):
thought, yuck, what is yourexperience with that?
Speaker 1 (04:53):
I had the same thing happen to me in the last five
years and, weirdly, this personreached out to me and I thought
about you, terry, because okay,for people who maybe haven't
heard the past podcast withTerry, terry wrote two books
Boundary Boss and Too Much.
Too Much is Behind, if you'rewatching, too Much is Behind Her
.
And I thought about theboundaries and I thought about
you because when they reachedout, I thought do I want to pick
(05:13):
up this friendship the way itwas before and has this person
changed?
And it seemed like the answerwas no and it was hard for me
because of my codependence andmy people pleasing that I just
wanted to be the good girl andcall back and be friends again.
But I realized and I love yourVIP section situation because I
(05:34):
want to surround myself withpeople that really do love me
and support me and I want tosupport them too, and sometimes
it's difficult that I thinkfriendship breakups are
sometimes as bad as relationshipbreakups.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Without a doubt, and in fact sometimes they're more
complicated and more fraught.
I've had therapy clients who,you know, have sort of been able
to weather their romanticbreakups better than their
friendships.
I can't tell you how many timesI'm speaking somewhere about
boundaries and about friendshipsand about frenemies and about,
you know, toxic relationships,and people will say I'm in a
(06:11):
long term friendship and I haveto, I just have to end it.
And I'm like, well, have youhad a conversation?
And they're like no, no, no, Ican't talk to her.
There's no.
I'm like, okay, let's startwith the fact that you can have
the conversation because, listen, there's ways to just say, hey,
I love you and what we'veshared and I've outgrown this
(06:33):
friendship, it's becomeunhealthy for me Wait.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Terry, no, Terry, nobody's nobody can do that Like
, yes, you can do that, you cando that, you can do that, but I
just don't see a world in whichthat I can.
There's maybe one person I'vehad that conversation with, but
I don't.
I don't think anybody listeningcan, can see themselves or
really doing that.
So how can you do it anotherway?
Speaker 2 (06:55):
That's not so Listen, what?
Listen?
All right, I'm going to giveyou another way.
If the friendship has becomelike you're fighting a lot,
there's a lot of like, bickering, there's a lot of back and
forth, there's a lot of like,but you and but you, you both
know it's become unhealthy,Right.
So I think it's okay to saylisten, I feel like we bicker
and fight more than we just hangout, and for both of us it this
(07:18):
has become unhealthy.
Yes.
I think if there's bickering,but maybe if you've just
outgrown somebody, is it okayand I'm asking for a friend Is
it okay to just sort of takeyour distance without having to
have a conversation?
Absolutely, but I'll tell you abetter way to do it, which is
we're still not going to have aconversation.
But there's an energetic thingthat you can do.
(07:39):
If you're in relationships withpeople and it's already sort of
starting to fade and you knowit's not a healthy relationship,
you can I call it an energetichit list where you can write the
person down and you canvisualize them like sort of
floating away.
Right, you can visualize.
There's this exercise that youcan do.
(07:59):
It's like you're breathing inon every exhalation.
You're sort of seeing them in apink bubble, like floating
towards the horizon.
Like you're breathing in onevery exhalation.
You're sort of seeing them in apink bubble, like floating
towards the horizon, Like you'renot doing anything mean, we're
not wishing anything mean onanyone.
It's sort of a way to cutenergetic cords.
And there's many ways to cutenergetic cords and you guys can
just look it up on Google ifyou want to.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
I've done actual meditations, guided meditations,
cord cutting ones, and theywork for me.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
Yes, and me too.
And just deciding that I'mgoing to be disentangled from
someone, just just making thatdecision energetically,
something shifts.
Because what I noticed aboutmyself when I was in a
relationship, a friendship thatI felt obligated to, I realized
I was the one keeping it goingto out of guilt.
(08:45):
I would be like, oh, I haven'ttalked to this person in such a
long time.
I really should reach out tothem and see how they are,
because I know they're going tobe mad but yeah, the wrong
reasons, all the wrong reasons.
You know what I mean.
It's costing, yes, and why am Ireaching out to keep a
friendship going that I kind ofliterally don't even want
anymore?
And this is what we're talkingabout today in this episode is
(09:12):
like a pattern interruptionwhere, first of all, we have to
give ourselves permission tokeep the VIP section of our life
really for VIPs, which is thoseare people who there's the
mutuality where you like, as ourfriendship.
Sam, you fill up my cup and Ifill up your cup.
When it's your show, literally,I'm in the front row, clapping
(09:33):
my hands and jumping up and downand doing whatever I can to
support and promote because Ilove you and because you are
incredibly talented and funnyand gorgeous and all the things
that you know.
I hold you in high esteem.
That's how I actually feelabout you and it's not words.
My behavior shows you thatthat's true.
It's true, right.
So it's the same thing for me,you do the same for me, shouting
(09:55):
it from the rooftops, but again, not as a favor, as a sincere
belief in the work that I'mdoing, or whatever, and I think
that that we belong in eachother's VIP sections.
Yeah, right, but there's manypeople over the years who I sort
of have ushered out of my VIPsection.
What about you?
Speaker 1 (10:16):
Yes, I mean especially because I feel like I
am moving into a new chapter inmy life.
Yeah Right, and I want to leave.
You know, it's like I'm almostwriting a new book.
I'm writing a new book and Ikind of want to go into another
bookstore but my other pages arestill in the old bookstore and
(10:37):
I'm like, oh my, I'm in betweenand I'm not saying I want to get
rid of people in my life, but Ihave different likes now that
I'm not the same person I was 15years ago.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
And.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
I don't want to do the same things that I did 15
years ago, 15 years ago, and Idon't want to do the same things
that that I did 15 years ago.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
So it's, I want, yeah , I want to sort of take
inventory of my VIP section.
Yes, and, and listen, we canall do that, right, taking a
branch of inventory.
This is not being like who'sgoing to be on the cutting block
necessarily, right, it'stelling the truth to ourselves,
right, and we can put, we canput some of the questions in the
show notes.
I have a little teeny exercisethat people can do, which
basically, you're really lookingat who you're spending time
with and then how do you feel?
(11:21):
Right, I leave a lunch with youand I feel energized, I feel
excited, I feel lit up aboutwhat you're doing and the
positive changes in your lifeand it just makes me so happy
because I love you.
Right, that's, that'sfriendship.
Sometimes, back in the day, or10 years ago, or five years ago,
I might leave a conversationwith someone and feel drained,
(11:42):
feel tired, feel put upon.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
Right, but okay, and I think there's some people
probably listening that go, okay, but everybody in my life is
sort of like that.
Maybe they live in the sametown they grew up in and they're
wanting to expand their lifeand I don't know.
It could be a million differentreasons.
How do you start to take thatinventory?
And just a real quick note likeyou said, it's not about
(12:05):
cutting everybody out of yourlife and starting from scratch.
You don't have to do that atall.
Nor do I recommend it.
I'm sure you don't recommendthat.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
Of course not, because this wouldn't have
anyone in our life If everyonewho annoyed us or drained us we
got rid of.
So it's not that, but it doesgive us an opportunity to look
at our boundaries, right, if weare letting a friend who
endlessly complains all the timeabout the same shit that they
never changed right, we all havethat friend Then then you have
to have boundaries around howmuch time you're going to spend
(12:34):
with them.
You have to decide.
Maybe you don't talk to them atnight when you're tired and you
just say, hey, I'm putting myphone down at six.
You guys, unless it's anemergency, I'm literally keeping
, because Vic and I now havestarted having a basket at the
front door for the phones.
Like, just know that.
No, no phones when we're eatingever, but no phones when we're
(12:55):
watching a movie.
Just watch the goddamn movie.
Please Just stop movie watchingwhile you're scrolling IG.
It is so bad for your brain, butit's also it does something.
It's almost like technologybecomes like a mistress or a
lover in in relationships whenwe let it insert itself too much
(13:15):
.
So I'm really doing my best tomove that out.
And with my friendships too,I'm not talking to anyone when
I'm looking at the top of theirhead.
No, thank you, because I couldbe doing shit too right.
I don't need that.
So I think that, anyway, backto you have.
Maybe you have betterboundaries with people and when
you do, maybe you wouldn't feelso much.
(13:36):
And I don't mean you, you, Ijust mean in general.
Maybe we wouldn't feel like weneeded to get away from them,
because part of the overwhelm is, if we are not establishing
boundaries as we go, that's whenpeople hit the wall and go.
I got to get out of thisfriendship because you've been
not honest for so long thatyou're like I have a joke with
(13:57):
my friend Paul.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
I just say beep, beep , and a beep beep to me is that
I'm staying in my lane this yearand I have friends who is what
you just said keep complainingabout the same things and do
nothing about it.
And they call me all the time.
And I did this kind of at thebeginning of the year.
I called you know those friendsand I said I love you so much
that I, if you want my advice onthis, I'll give it to you once
(14:20):
now.
Other than that, if you want tovent, that's fine, but I'm not
going to say a word.
I'll listen for a little bit,but only for a little bit, and
then I'm going.
I cannot.
I cannot continue to take thison, because you're making this
my problem and it's not myproblem.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
And really, if we were to actually be accurate,
you made it your problem becauseyou're a high functioning
codependent and they, theywanted you to.
So everyone was happy with thatagreement until you were not
happy with that agreement and Ifully, I'm fully on board with
the blanket statement of Right.
(14:57):
I got better things to do withmy life and I think that that's
fair, like I don't think that'sthat's being mean, because part
of it is you also.
The truth is and we know thisfrom high functioning
codependency is that you don'tknow what they need to do and I
don't know what they need to do,just like your sister.
That story about your sistersister Exactly my sister being
(15:19):
in a terrible relationship, inan abusive relationship, living
in the woods, without runningwater, with no electricity, just
a whole nightmare, and Ithought it was my job to get her
out until my therapist and Ihad been trying for a long time,
bawling my eyes out until mytherapist was like, uh, hello,
what makes you think you knowwhat your sister needs to learn
and how she needs to learn it inthis life?
(15:41):
And I was like wow, I don't know, am I allowed to not quote,
unquote save her Cause?
I thought that was my job asher sister.
And she was like hey, that'simpossible.
I'm not saying you shouldn'tsave your sister, I'm saying you
can't.
That it's an inside job.
She's got to be ready to bedone with that relationship and
(16:04):
you can have a boundary thatsays hey, I can't talk about
this guy, like I love you and ifyou ever want to get out, I'm
here for you.
Which is exactly what I did,which, of course, was very
challenging and I felt veryguilty about it.
But less than nine months later, she called me and said hey,
are you still my person?
Speaker 1 (16:20):
I'm ready and I was like yeah, man getting in my car
, and so that why that'simportant is I think some people
would think that before youwere saying well, no, you
shouldn't be responsible foranyone.
It's like, no, you can show upfor people.
You can show up for people whenthey ask and they need your
help and they're willing to makechange.
Yes, that is when you become aquote unquote good friend and
(16:41):
you're there, but you don't needto insert yourself in every
daily detail to fix their lives,because what you will end up
doing is drowning yourself.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
Yes, and what I like to say about that situation is
that then Vic and Iappropriately helped her.
Then Vic and I appropriatelyhelped her, we were able to
offer her this little we hadthis little teeny lake house
that we winterized so that shewould have a chance like a clean
slate, so she could have liketwo years of not paying rent.
She decided to go back toschool.
(17:12):
She got sober, but that'sappropriate.
She said I would.
I said I offered it when shewas whatever and she said, yes,
that would be amazing.
Thank you so much.
But there were no stringsattached because we were able to
do that.
It didn't cost us a lot ofmoney to do it.
We already owned the place.
We put a little money intorenovating, but those that's an
appropriate way.
(17:32):
And in the end, instead of mebeing the hero of my sister's
story, throwing on my cape andquote unquote saving, she, got
to be the hero of her own storyand that transformed her
self-worth, her self-esteem.
That was decades ago.
She's still sober.
She's never been in anotherabusive relationship Like.
Would that have happened had Iquote unquote saved her?
(17:54):
No, she would have beenhumiliated.
Her baby sister fixing it allfor her again.
Right, it feels loving, we feellike we got to do it, but
really it's not.
It's overstepping boundariesactually.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
I feel so incredibly lucky that I have you as a
friend, because if shit goesdown, I could always call you.
I love that you do a mastermindfor people because not everyone
has the luxury of having TerryCole as their friend.
Can you tell people about themastermind?
(18:29):
Because there's been so manytransformations with the people,
the women that come, and Ithink that there are people
probably that want change anddon't know where to start, so
can you talk a little bit aboutit?
I?
Speaker 2 (18:40):
sure can.
I started doing this aboutthree years ago because people
were asking me and I don't knowwhere to start.
So can you talk a little bitabout it?
I sure can.
I started doing this aboutthree years ago because people
were asking me and I don'treally have a private therapy
practice per se a few highprofile people, but that's it.
And I love groups.
You know I'm such a group girland what I learned how to do in
my life.
So you have the successfulbusiness of building an empire.
(19:02):
Basically, I've got a top 20rated mental health podcast for
the last 10 years.
I've got, you know, a four bookdeal for my first book deal.
You know all of these thingsnot bragging, this is just the
truth of like.
I spent many, many yearsbecoming an expert in my field
and then started doing thesethings.
So the mastermind is forambitious women who know that
(19:23):
there's more for them, who knowsthat there's more joy, more
satisfaction, more money, hardcold cash.
People who want to scale theirbusinesses or get out of their
businesses.
I've had everyone fromtherapists to coaches to an.
Last year I had an oncologistwho lives in London who decided
she wanted to open up a moreholistic medical practice and
(19:46):
sort of get out of oncology anddo more holistic health, and I
helped her do that.
Like there's, there's alldifferent people and then you
could have someone who isdoesn't know what they want to
do, who was a mortgage brokerbut wanted to do something
different.
And while she was in themastermind container right, and
it's a very small containerthere's usually 10 women in it
(20:08):
and we're together for ninemonths.
So this year 2025, we'restarting in the in mid March.
I think our first mini is March13th.
So you know it's it's intimate,because even though all my
other friends who do mastermindshave like 40 people in it, I
can't do it like that because Imeet individually with people
three times each in the over thenine months.
(20:28):
Each person meets with meindividually and it's the only
way to get that one-on-one workwith me.
But then each week we meet, wedo co-working sessions together,
we do sessions together, we doI have guests come in.
I also do one-on-one coachingonce a month in that group.
So there's all kinds of supportthat you have besides creating
(20:51):
the support of the containeritself.
So you have all of theseamazing women and many of them,
when they first came in, did nothave great experiences with
other women.
And me personally, I've alwaysjust me had great experiences
with other women.
This is part of not perfect,but just.
Speaker 1 (21:10):
I've always loved the power of gathering women, but
you're the one who started thatin my life, that is true.
Years ago you invited me to alunch with other women, and some
of those women are stillfriends of mine to this day.
You do connect other women andbad-ass women too, together.
(21:31):
But for anyone listening ifthey're listening to this
episode after the mid mid March.
You still do onboardingthroughout the year too.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
Yes, I'll be, I will be doing onboarding and I also
have a community, if people are.
I also have a Terry Colemembership, so it's just
terrycolecom TCM and for theother it's terrycolecom forward
slash flourish, which is thename of the mastermind, so we
can put them both in the shownotes.
I will.
But when I was thinking aboutthe women who we gather is how
much lives transformed andpeople who never would have,
(22:05):
never would have like gone forbuying this new house, that was,
you know, outside of theircomfort level, of what they
thought they needed to selltheir house for a certain amount
, and the whole group, we wereall just manifesting.
And while we were together inDenver that year, she got the
call that they accepted heroffer and she was like, oh my
(22:26):
God, I have to sell my house.
And within five.
I was like, oh, you're going tosell your house within five
days.
And she literally sold herhouse on day four.
And you know, you're the queenof manifesting, that there's
something about our collectiveintention for each other that is
so incredibly powerful, becauseif I believe I can do it for me
(22:47):
, part of my ability to believeit is because you believe I can
do it for me, and then we, alsowithin the group we share, like
the women, will have privatecoffee dates with each other,
right, so that each person, eachpeople, get to know each other,
and then we meet as a group forthree days, twice during that
(23:08):
time.
So, like this year, I think it'sgoing to be San Diego and I'm
not sure the other one, whichwon't be until October I was
going to do, I was going to doParis, but don't feel like, with
the state of everything, maybewe should be leaving the country
.
So maybe it's going to be it'llbe somewhere else.
But the reality is it doesn'tnecessarily matter where you're
gathering, because it's a deepdive into being together.
(23:28):
And what makes this unique isthat it's because I've been a
psychotherapist for 27 years.
You have these two massivecolumns, where the business
column is this side, I also haveguests come in and working
sessions, but then we have thepsychological piece, because how
many women suffer from theimposter syndrome?
Speaker 1 (23:49):
Oh, my gosh Right, every day, every day.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
Right, but we normalize it through talking
about it, and you know becauseyou do.
We normalize it through talkingabout it, and you know because
I do one-on-ones with everyone.
I also get a really deep andintimate idea of the roadmap of
your life before now Becausetherapeutically I can sort of
see something might be happeningat work and I can help you
(24:18):
understand.
Oh, this sounds a lot like thatbully situation you had in
sixth grade or your brother whois mean to you or whatever it is
, because psychologically, a lotof times we really need someone
else to help us figure out whyam I either keeping my life
small or staying in arelationship that's crappy or
whatever it is?
So I don't know how to do thebusiness aspect without also
(24:42):
cleaning up the personal stuffand helping with the personal
stuff.
So I do believe it is a reallyunique.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
Because, yes, you're right, because every, every I
don't know what the word, theright word, would be, but every
sort of um situation that's notso great that you get into, I
think, in a business realm youknow, in in that category has to
do with something that happenedin your childhood.
And if you continue to attracta narcissistic boss, I'm sure
(25:11):
there's some sort of tie withwhere one of your parents are
narcissists, you know, and I not.
You know, the one and onlyTerry Cole is priceless.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
Well, what I can say?
Thank you for saying that, andyou are absolutely right,
sabrina, about you know what Icall them repeating relationship
realities, where we are tryingto work something out.
If you find yourself repeatedlyin an unsatisfying whether it's
a romantic situation or a worksituation, any situation, even
with friends I'm going to giveyou guys a tip right now that
(25:46):
you can use and we can throw inthe show notes.
That's easy, breezy for you todissect and understand where you
might be having a transference,which means responding in real
time, fueled by a situation fromthe past that needs your
attention.
So let's just say the exampleyou gave is a great one, sabrina
(26:07):
.
Let's say you keep attractingnarcissistic bosses.
You're going to ask yourselfthese three questions.
I call them the three cues forclarity.
I use them all the time in mypersonal life and in my therapy
life, and you'll be using themnow too.
You could keep them right inyour back pocket.
First question who does thisperson remind me of?
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
Second question where have I felt like this before?
Third question how is thisbehavioral dynamic?
So let's say it's anarcissistic boss who is, you
can never please them.
So the dynamic would be youkilling yourself, twisting
yourself up in a pretzel,lighting yourself on fire to
please this person and still notbeing able to please them, or
(26:51):
being able to please them oncein a while.
So that reinforces you tryingto please them and you may see
if you ask those three questions, I guarantee you something will
come to mind.
May see, if you ask those threequestions, I guarantee you
something will come to mind,especially if this is a repeated
(27:11):
problem, because that is one ofthe indicators that there is a
past or an original injury, Iwould call it.
That needs your attention.
And the last part of thequestion that we can add is when
I am interacting with my bosslike this, if we use that
example metaphorically, who doesmy boss become and who do I
become?
So you may become your 10 yearold self and they may become
(27:31):
like your mean father eventhough they're not.
So why does this matter?
Because if we're having atransference in our professional
lives that we're unaware of,who wants their 10 year old
running the show for theircareer?
You don't.
So this is very valuableinformation, so let's just say
you go.
Oh, my God, I just realizedright now I attract narcissistic
(27:55):
bosses because my father or mymother was a narcissist.
Now we have an actual place, sothose questions will act as a
GPS for you to go.
Oh, I need to work on whathappened in my childhood with my
narcissistic father, becauseit's still here.
And if it's still charged, itmeans you have work to do.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
Boom shakalaka.
Oh my gosh, terry, seriously.
Thank you so much If everyonewho's listening, if you're
driving, don't worry, look atthe show notes when you're done,
I'm going to put Terry's linksto her, both of her books, which
I highly recommend, and theexercise that you were talking
(28:37):
about, and also the mastermindand your community.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
Yes, please, I would love to have any and all of you
come apply.
And here's the thing Even ifyou're not sure, apply and I'll
hop on a call.
No, no strings attached.
We will immediately hop on a 20or 30 minute call just to see
if it might be right for you.
I did that last year withsomeone and then, or two years
ago, and they didn't join thatyear but they joined the next
(29:01):
year.
So my feeling is for me.
I love meeting new people.
I have no problem.
So fill out the application andjust see you know you've got
nothing to lose, nothing to loseRight.
And I'm still waiting on allyour problems in 20 minutes.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
Oh, I love it.
Can I do this?
Yes, you can Thank you, Terry.
Speaker 2 (29:18):
Thank you for having me you.
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