I Have No Idea What Im Doing Feat Kira J (Part One)

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Yo with shaking y'all, how y'all doing today? Welcome back
to So Shameless. Of course, I just wanted to let
y'all know, first of all, this week we have author
spoken word artist, my friend Kira Jay on the show.
She's been on the show before, so y'all already know
for those of y'all who are true fans and you've

(00:22):
heard her on the show multiple times before, she's about
to go off right on these topics. But even more
than that, I actually she just released the album which
is up for Grammy nomination consideration, and I wanted to
talk about some of the tracks on the show.

Speaker 2 (00:41):
Now.

Speaker 1 (00:42):
I don't know if y'all know how these digital streaming
platforms are where you know, if you play the song,
they might mute it or you know, copyright whatever whatever.
So we played the songs during the episode, but I
took them out for the people listening on Spotify, the
people listen on Google Play, for the people that listen
on on Apple Music.

Speaker 3 (01:01):
I took them out.

Speaker 2 (01:02):
Now.

Speaker 1 (01:03):
I gave y'all cues, right, So when we get to
the song, I tell y'all, y'o go listen to the album.
The album is called I have no idea what I'm doing,
so I'll let you know what track we're about to
listen to, and then we talk about it, and then
we did I think we did that about three maybe
four times, right, So that's what I'm letting you know,
go listen to these songs so that you have context
to these conversations. By the way, it's also just to

(01:23):
give this black woman some props and to put y'all
on to what she's doing. I really want y'all to
listen to her album at least give it a once over.

Speaker 3 (01:32):
At least give it a once so matter of fact,
listen to one song, turn it on, listen to one
song the album's called.

Speaker 1 (01:39):
I have no idea what I'm doing. I guarantee you
listen to one song, you're gonna listen to sixteen. That's
just how it goes with this. But yeah, if you
want to listen to the whole to the episode with
the songs in it, I am posting that on Patreon,
so you know, I'm deleting it out of the Spotify,

(02:00):
Apple and the DSP releases.

Speaker 3 (02:03):
But if you want to listen to it straight through,
and you know.

Speaker 1 (02:06):
We we we talked a little bit while she's while
the music is playing. Then you can listen to it
on our Patreon, that patreon dot com backslash So Shameless podcast,
which also has the full episode ad free.

Speaker 3 (02:19):
Of course, you know you listen how you want to listen.
It is what it is. But just want to let
y'all know, give y'all a heads up. So with no
further ado, Damn I talk for I talk too much.
This is This is how I do three hour episodes.

Speaker 1 (02:30):
I just keep talking and rambling and the shit be
going left and it's eighty HD. That's really what it is. Oh,
I'm doing it again anyway. All right, all right, So
let's get into the episode So Shameless.

Speaker 4 (02:44):
So so so sameless. If you know what I'm saying,
so shameless, if you know what I'm saying, so shameless,
If you know what I'm saying, soless, if you know what.

Speaker 5 (03:08):
I'm saying, I'm gonna guilt trip do.

Speaker 3 (03:14):
No, We're gonna do it right now. We're gonna do
it right now.

Speaker 5 (03:18):
You know I don't come to New York often enough
for her to not be seeing me on purpose.

Speaker 3 (03:23):
You know.

Speaker 1 (03:27):
What's good, y'all hang out doing We back in the
building here it's so shameless headquarters. The couch is couching.
None of the hosts are here except for me. I
gotta give Traump his props, so he didn't want to
be here. I actually told him sit out because I
thought it was gonna be me, Kira, jd And and Dosh.

(03:49):
God says, well, if Kira is there, I don't really
feel good anyway.

Speaker 3 (03:56):
She could just do this show. I just looked at
my phone. I'm like, I feel very, I feel very.

Speaker 5 (04:05):
I was I was going to, but I said, you
know what, it's the first thing in the morning. I'm
gonna when the show was over, you're I sure, am
gonna be like, you know, I can't even tell Beard
didn't come. I'm gonna cry and everything should do this
last time. She did no, no, no, the time before last time,
because she didn't come the first day I did and
then I booed, and then she came the second time.
So I'm gonna I'm gonna cry. I'm gonna make a

(04:27):
scene so that the next time I come, she has
to be here.

Speaker 2 (04:31):
I feel a way.

Speaker 3 (04:33):
Because I had a good vibe going. Yes, I matched
it up. You got the two earthy people, so I
know you ain't earthy, but.

Speaker 2 (04:42):
Putting you in with JD.

Speaker 3 (04:43):
While my labeled with earthy, like what is what is given?

Speaker 2 (04:52):
What is given?

Speaker 5 (04:53):
I'm definitely earthy. I wake up every morning and go
find grass, for sure you do. And once I locked
my hair, it was over.

Speaker 2 (04:59):
I'm the earth I've never even seen as I don't know.

Speaker 5 (05:02):
It's a part of my regimen. When last time I
was here, I was, I was laced fort and lashes.
I'm earthly.

Speaker 1 (05:07):
Now you change it up, change it up that you
said she was a Massandres before too, I was, first
of all. I don't know if that if a lot
of people know what that means, because everybody's into misogyny now, right.

Speaker 5 (05:17):
Okay, so Massandres is kind of like someone who has
a deep disdain and hatred for men. And I was
proud of it too, like I was, I was the
captain of the Massandra.

Speaker 3 (05:27):
What makes you get there to that point?

Speaker 5 (05:29):
Men?

Speaker 3 (05:29):
Is it too much dick?

Speaker 2 (05:31):
Like a dick?

Speaker 5 (05:32):
Like, No, it wasn't even anything to do with dick,
Like what is it? Dick is actually the only thing
that makes us like y'all. So if anything, it's like
the deck is not the thing that makes us dislike y'all.
That's the reason why we would deal with y'all. It's
everything else outside of the Dick that makes us hate
y'all guts.

Speaker 1 (05:49):
So the ship that y'all try to put on us
about being homo social is actually something that y'all do
with because if it wasn't for Dick, y'all probably wouldn't
even deal with.

Speaker 5 (05:56):
Men a thousand percent. Probably, Yeah, old us, old us,
though a lot of us have changed. You know, I've
been in therapy for a couple of years.

Speaker 3 (06:03):
Now, what you what has changed about you?

Speaker 2 (06:05):
How change that?

Speaker 5 (06:06):
I decentered men completely from my life, not just in
a sexual aspect. I started looking at men as human
beings instead of romantic partners. So I have a lot
more male friendships now, and I just don't date. I
haven't been on a date since twenty twenty three. It's
twenty twenty five. I just wow, Yeah, I just I
don't have time.

Speaker 3 (06:27):
Do you think that makes it It's gonna make it
easier for you, absolutely once you get okay, because I
would think that the lack of practice, you get back
out there and you would do it's either one extreme
or the other.

Speaker 5 (06:40):
No, I think that a lot of time away from
something allows you to come back to it with a
clear head. Because if you keep jumping in the dating pool,
and the last time you was in a in a
dating pool you got bid up at eight by a
bunch of sharks and piranhas, you're gonna get in that
water ready for the next attack. But if you allow
yourself some time to have some clear waters and still waters,

(07:00):
then you're going to get back in the dating pool
with the best of intentions and the best of hope
for what's out there in that water. And then you're
also not bleeding, right, because if you jump in that
water and you're still bleeding, that's how them shocks come.
That's how they confined you. There's no blood now, because
I've been so healed up that the next time I
get in the water there should be nothing coming to
attack me. And if it is, I'll be ready, but

(07:21):
I won't be cautiously scared. You know about it exactly.

Speaker 3 (07:25):
Jaie, What do you think about that? A woman that
hasn't been on a date in two years. I think
that's actually insane. But I do like that approach though,
If that's your approach, and I agree with it, So
you don't even.

Speaker 2 (07:37):
You're not tapping in because you know what I'm saying
without me saying ship vulgarly.

Speaker 3 (07:42):
You know what I'm saying because I know I think you're.

Speaker 2 (07:52):
It's crazy. No, no, no, no no.

Speaker 5 (07:54):
So I did over a year of celibacy and abstinence
and then I try to get back.

Speaker 3 (07:59):
Up before you feel celibacy right is no sexual nothing,
absolutely right.

Speaker 2 (08:05):
So even within yourself.

Speaker 5 (08:06):
Even within myself, Wow, shit me, because here's the thing.
Initially it would just be about removing men. But if
I'm still allowing myself to get that pleasure, then I'm
not getting out of it what I need to get.
So I completely everything.

Speaker 2 (08:24):
No, I agree with that.

Speaker 5 (08:25):
No self pleasure, no nothing. I did it that way
because one, I felt like men did not deserve that
energy from me. But two I also felt like, clearly
I'm doing something wrong. A lot of people need to
take themselves off the market to figure out what it
is that you're doing wrong. So we don't have ten
years of bad dating experience that there's so much work

(08:49):
that we need to do within ourselves that has nothing
to do with the people we date. And I think
that we spend too much time trying to fix ourselves
through people when we could just have our seasons of
isolation to do the work that we need to do.
Like I said, I haven't been on a date in
a couple of years, but I've been in therapy consistently
every week for two years. I've been sober, I've been
eating better, I've been getting my mind in mental clear

(09:10):
And it's like, when I do start dating again, I
will be a healthy, functional adult woman that can add
something to the dating pool instead of another toxic love story.
Because that shit gets your training.

Speaker 3 (09:20):
So you don't have to like get like an urge
to like do any You didn't get any urges that
in those last tis.

Speaker 2 (09:26):
Yeah, well how do you fight the urges?

Speaker 5 (09:29):
Get busy? I went on tour. I've been every time
I years. Listen, I went to over twenty four cities
this year and we're only in October. I love that
I just stay busy enough to where there's some self
development that you need to do that doesn't involve a
romantic partner. So the minute I start thinking, oh man,
a date would really be nice, and I'm like, so

(09:49):
is a million dollars. So I wrote another book. I
dropped the album I've been touring. There's so much that
we can do within ourselves that don't involve romance.

Speaker 1 (09:57):
Let's talk about that real quick for one matter of
fact before I go into that, if I meet somebody
just dating wise, right and they say they haven't been
on a date in two years, that's gonna raise my anxiety.

Speaker 2 (10:13):
Yeah, I agree.

Speaker 1 (10:15):
I'm gonna look at them like, oh, they serious, they
looking for something serious right now? And I don't even know.
I know she looks good, I like, you know whatever,
But damn, that's a lot of pressure. Two years.

Speaker 2 (10:31):
It's a lot of pressure to performing.

Speaker 3 (10:34):
I get it.

Speaker 5 (10:34):
I get.

Speaker 3 (10:36):
Is she even gonna be with the yo? Let's see
where this goes? Mold?

Speaker 2 (10:40):
Absolutely?

Speaker 5 (10:41):
Yeah. But for me, it wasn't like, oh, I'm stop
dating for two years because I'm looking for my husband.
It's like, oh, I need to stop dating for two
years because I'm looking for myself. It's about me. It
wasn't about the man. It was about the work that
we need to do. It had nothing to do with
this husband. I could have, you know how many men
who want to give me the world? And the last
I dated before I stopped dating had husband written all

(11:03):
over him. It was like, but do I got wife
written all over me?

Speaker 3 (11:07):
I'm not ready.

Speaker 5 (11:08):
I can't do it. It had nothing to do with
them at a I walked away from a great man.
He was great, he was established, he was older than me.
He's like, I got I got the house.

Speaker 2 (11:23):
I'm a renn.

Speaker 5 (11:24):
You know he's he's got a mortgage on him, like
owned house, cars, businesses, DA. And I'm just like, you're ready,
but I'm not. Sometimes we need to take ourselves over
the date and pool. So it had nothing to do
with these men not always being serious. It's like, but
I'm not as serious as I think I am either,
I need Like I say in my poem, I got
ready for you. I had to get ready. I owed
me all these changes and more. Because we no longer

(11:46):
pray for husbands, we become the wives that they pray for.
I know that I'm a wife, but I wasn't in
wife mode. So I had to just remove myself that
when I am ready to date, I might get married
right away because I've done all of the work.

Speaker 2 (11:58):
Though, Like what's wife mode? That look like? God?

Speaker 3 (12:00):
Just to be clear, you don't have to come back, y'all, I'm.

Speaker 2 (12:11):
Not about.

Speaker 5 (12:13):
Y'all not about to play with my girl. But wife
mode looks like self sufficient mode. I think that we
can't even have wife or husband in our vocabulary if
we don't have sustainable, functional, single adult. And the conversation
looks different depending on how old you are, because when
you're in your twenties and you're young and your dating,
that's that grow together age, right, that's that let's figure

(12:35):
this out. We don't know what we're doing age. But
once you hit that thirty forty fifty and up, come
to me with some type of shit together. Don't come
to me with all of this baggage. And because I'm
already coming with somebody else kids, I'm already coming with
years of situations in trauma. So I need to do
enough work on myself to be prepared for a functional relationship.
And I was not ready, so I had to take

(12:57):
myself out of the market. It's it's only but so
many foul relationships you could have until you got to
start looking at yourself. It can't be everybody else. It
can't be everybody else.

Speaker 3 (13:06):
It's a hot smoke point over there, nigga.

Speaker 1 (13:08):
It's only we are ten minutes in got three clips coming,
clips coming, yo, Yes, do me a favor. Go back
to her camera, Go to her camera. Can you lower
the ice on that camera? I don't want her glowing?
And I mean she's already. Is it better?

Speaker 2 (13:27):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (13:27):
Yeah, all right? Cool?

Speaker 1 (13:31):
Look we can sit here and harp on. Oh damn,
she's not a miss Sanders no more? What about the misogyny?
What about us? Are you ready to be a husband
where you are today?

Speaker 3 (13:45):
No, not at all. I'm not ready to be a husband.
I would say I'm ready to be in a relationship.
Those two are different. I don't think if I was
in a relationship right now and it was Tom has asked,
and me and this woman have been building uh together
and individually one thousand percent, I would be like, yeah,

(14:07):
but you're.

Speaker 2 (14:08):
Putting it on her.

Speaker 3 (14:08):
I'm asking you where you are as self? Remember she
said self self? You me me personally?

Speaker 2 (14:15):
Not Would.

Speaker 1 (14:18):
You need to add to your baseline for you to say, yeah,
I'm husban material right now?

Speaker 3 (14:23):
I think I would have to go And I agree
with her when she said therapy, like I would have
to go to a lot more therapy sessions to unpacked
a lot of mother wound situations, a lot of selfishness
that I kind of uh suffer with, like not having

(14:45):
the capability sometimes to be unselfish in certain matters that
I need to be unselfish in, you know, not trying
to and I don't and I don't ever want to
be content in certain situation. But sometimes you gotta like
look within yourself and be like, hey man, not humble yourself,

(15:05):
but relax.

Speaker 2 (15:07):
Are are you dating right now? Yes? So what is
why would you?

Speaker 1 (15:13):
Why are you existing knowing that work needs to be
done while dating and saying okay. But for another situation,
I would actually go to therapy right now.

Speaker 3 (15:21):
Thesenesses could deal with this because I think I'm actually
healthy enough to be in a relationship to be honest
with you. I think I'm like at a stage I'm
no longer like tapping in when multiple you know what
I'm saying, I'm no longer taping in with multiple women.

(15:42):
I'm no longer playing games with you.

Speaker 2 (15:44):
I'm not.

Speaker 3 (15:46):
Misleading or manipulating situations that like I used to, and
I was open with it, like I used to be
like very manipultive, like I used to be like yeah,
now you my only you know you know or whatever.

Speaker 2 (15:59):
I used to make women feel like they were my
only woman. You know what I'm saying, All like when
women tell me, and I think a.

Speaker 3 (16:08):
Lot more women be like yo, I hate man or whatever,
or like whatever the case is, and I'd be understanding,
like I was that dude, like I was him, like
doing too much.

Speaker 2 (16:19):
And then I would and I hated. I hated the.

Speaker 3 (16:23):
Way I looked when I when I was founded out,
and I hated hurting that person that I actually did
care for. I just manipulated them into a situation that
they didn't need to be in. I wasted their time.
I wasted their time. I wasted my time, and I
just decided, like I can't waste my time anymore. You
know what I'm saying, Like that shit is crazy selfish,

(16:45):
it's super self what you just said, because you wasted time,
You can't waste people time no more. You put yourself first.

Speaker 2 (16:52):
And I said, I just told him. I said, I
said I can't waste their time either.

Speaker 3 (16:57):
Don't do to me like that. I said, no, I
can't waste any time. I don't want to waste their time.
I don't want to waste my time. Yeah, but in
certain instances. You gotta you gotta be selfish on your time,
like you know what I mean. So like I wasted
my time manipulating different women, But right now I'm in
a different stage where's like, that's not I'm gonna tell
you straight up, like, hey, this is what it is.

Speaker 2 (17:16):
Are you with it or not? You know what I mean?
Like are you do you want to be in something
or no? You know? Or do we do we want
to work towards this or not? Just let it be that,
you know what I mean?

Speaker 5 (17:26):
That's fair.

Speaker 3 (17:29):
I love this, I love the room.

Speaker 2 (17:30):
Yeah, she's like, that's fair. I thought you had a
lot to say about it.

Speaker 5 (17:32):
No, no, no, that's fair. I think that once you get
to the point of letting people decide what they want
to put up with, that's how you take the mask
off of the manipulation. Because I used to be manipulative
as well, not in the same way of telling everybody
that they were special, but in a way of I'm
gonna show you exactly what you want to see from me,
so I can get exactly what I want from you

(17:52):
instead of showing you my real self. And women we
manipulate a lot to get relationships out of men or
get what we want out of them. It was like
my manipulation came with the control factor of I want this,
so I'm going to do that to get this, and
you're going to go along with the script, and if
you deviate from the script, you will be replaced. But again,
therapy year two years strong, going on three years now.

(18:15):
So shout out to shout out to my therapist.

Speaker 3 (18:18):
So you're in therapy while you're on tour, writing a.

Speaker 5 (18:23):
Book, finishing an album, raising a child.

Speaker 2 (18:28):
Life, There's a lot going on.

Speaker 5 (18:30):
It's a lot going on.

Speaker 2 (18:31):
How do how do you?

Speaker 3 (18:35):
How do you just exist as Kira amongst all of
these different moving parts.

Speaker 5 (18:40):
I spend a lot of time with people who are
not involved in any of my creative spaces and endeavors.
I think that if I have enough people around me,
it's important to have people around you that speak to
your goals and speak to your plans and speak to
the things that you have going on. But I like
to fill my leisure time with people who see me
as Shakira or care and not just carriage, you know

(19:01):
what I mean. Like the people that are closest to me,
if they call me Kara j I might pass out
like you you, I don't think you've ever even said
carriage because we're close, you know what I mean. So
it's like having people around you that know the rail
you allows you to just exist.

Speaker 3 (19:16):
It is.

Speaker 5 (19:17):
It is hard, though, and it's only going to get harder.
So I just need to make a better plan for
how I'm about to do this because what's coming next?

Speaker 2 (19:24):
Very well?

Speaker 1 (19:25):
You friends, well, what does that mean? Just present always
therefore listen, checking in. She might be on a road
for a minutes. She shouldn't town.

Speaker 3 (19:36):
She's like, yo, we were at yo, don't do that.

Speaker 2 (19:38):
I need to see you. I know the house. I
need to see you.

Speaker 1 (19:40):
Come on, come out, let's get a drink, like she friends, Well,
you know what I mean. You feel you know, there's
some people I don't know. Sometimes your phone rings when
they need something. Yes, there's a lot of how you're doing,
and then after that it's what they need.

Speaker 5 (19:53):
Yes, there's a lot of people that can hit your
phone when they need you for something. But how many
people hit your phone and see if you need something,
you need something? How many people hit your phone to
just say I'm just just seeing what you're doing, just
seeing what You're like, you know, there's a lot more
to us than just what we provide, like how's your
how's your spirit, how's your energy? Because again, outside of
these platforms that we build, we are people, and I

(20:14):
care so much more about the people behind the platforms
than the platforms themselves. You could stop all of this
tomorrow if you felt like it were still gonna be
locked in.

Speaker 3 (20:21):
Well, we're not doing that. And as a matter of fact,
you are on a new journey and I'm so fucking
blown away by it. This fucking album Thank You Yesterday.

Speaker 5 (20:35):
It's my baby right there.

Speaker 3 (20:36):
The day after I went to that thing, what was
I playing in here? The next day?

Speaker 2 (20:40):
What was I like?

Speaker 3 (20:43):
Next couple of weeks, I.

Speaker 1 (20:45):
Was in the discord that a lot of them is
in here right now. Nigga playing it in the discord
on popcorn like they have a little thing in your discord.

Speaker 3 (20:53):
They can play music. You find that song on there,
It's on there, It's on there. I was looking for
you on Spotify, couldn't find it.

Speaker 5 (20:59):
We still were working on that. I don't know what
Spotify has against me. It's on everywhere else.

Speaker 2 (21:04):
I know Spotify is a problem.

Speaker 5 (21:06):
It's on everywhere else. I'm talking title, Apple Music, YouTube Music, Amazon,
Prime Music, Uh, iHeartRadio. It's on everywhere. I don't know.

Speaker 2 (21:17):
I don't like.

Speaker 5 (21:19):
When you go to it, they show the link, they
show the album, they show the tracks you signed in
and say no tracks. So we's just back and forth communicating,
trying to figure that out problem.

Speaker 3 (21:28):
They took off my podcast for that, like you can't
even when I talk to them about it, they like,
we don't.

Speaker 5 (21:35):
Know, we don't know.

Speaker 3 (21:36):
It's like, I don't know, we don't know. That's exactly
to take your data and.

Speaker 2 (21:43):
A business.

Speaker 3 (21:45):
Music business. Yesterday over here, he's got to he's a
whole different thing.

Speaker 2 (21:50):
He starts talking about they did, they did, they did
do something.

Speaker 3 (21:55):
Now with all this about that a ship that's like problematic,
But that's a whole different culsation.

Speaker 2 (22:01):
I listened to.

Speaker 3 (22:02):
These songs that you have on there. They're very touching.
The first one, it seems that so the first song,
as a matter of fact, can I play some of these?

Speaker 2 (22:14):
I can't.

Speaker 3 (22:14):
I'm not gonna play them on the play right I
want to play. I'm gonna play him. The album is
called I have no idea what I'm doing.

Speaker 5 (22:22):
I have no idea what I'm doing my Carria Jay.

Speaker 3 (22:25):
You can listen to it almost any music streaming site
except for Spotify. Right now. We don't know why. We'll
get that fixed, right, I'm.

Speaker 1 (22:30):
Gonna listen to the first track, the one after her
talking to her son or your nephew, and that one is.

Speaker 3 (22:39):
Called High Frequency Love Affair. Right.

Speaker 1 (22:43):
I'm not gonna do a lot of these tracks, but
maybe two or three I do want to listen to,
so I'm gonna play it. I'm not gonna play it
because I don't want Apple and nobody to remove the
episode or whatever.

Speaker 3 (22:53):
Plus I also want you all to go listen because
I got a feeling this might hurt my streams because
once they go over there, they're like, oh.

Speaker 2 (23:00):
Wait, might not come back too.

Speaker 1 (23:03):
But she's spitting on the pod too, so fuck it.
I'll take my chances. Go listen to High Frequency Love
a fair real quick. I have some questions, and then
I have another question about she let herself.

Speaker 3 (23:17):
Go mm hm oh child, Right, I got ready for you,
And then the last nippet that's JD. You're gonna be
in the high seat. I got a feeling I'm not
sure I got okay.

Speaker 1 (23:30):
All right, So if you're out there with me going
over to Apple Music right now, just listen to this
so you have some context right as to what we're
about to talk about. And I am going to try
to stream this to the television right.

Speaker 2 (23:43):
Now, all right, Yeah, trying.

Speaker 1 (23:45):
To come up off that so yesterday could reconnect the
discord to the television.

Speaker 3 (23:52):
WHOA JD. What you think about that track? I thought
it was beautiful that that gave on some like old
school Drake production vibes.

Speaker 5 (24:02):
Oh that's rash D right there. He actually produced a
lot of tracks for Drake.

Speaker 3 (24:06):
Really, Yeah, that was that.

Speaker 2 (24:10):
That was hard?

Speaker 3 (24:11):
Yeah, thank you? Yeah?

Speaker 2 (24:12):
That was who inspired this? What is it?

Speaker 1 (24:15):
If I was to paint a picture, if this, if
it was like literally, if this was a story, what's
happening in that story?

Speaker 5 (24:22):
I have a lot of like male friends, right, but
this was like someone that I met that I was like,
I just can't have you as just another male friend
because I loved him so bad. But it was like,
I'll settle for the friendship if that's all we could have.
But this deepness that I feel I had to get
it out on paper. It felt like I had loved
you in every single lifetime, like every single life time.

Speaker 2 (24:44):
Yeah, I love what you say. You just had to experience.

Speaker 5 (24:46):
I'll just I'll just take what I can get because
I need something. I'm leaving here with something.

Speaker 2 (24:54):
Now. I was.

Speaker 3 (24:55):
That's what I got from this.

Speaker 1 (24:57):
You're not in a relationship with this guy, No, this
is you haven't You haven't gotten there yet. It feels
before right now spoke.

Speaker 5 (25:09):
That's the beginning of the album.

Speaker 2 (25:10):
Right.

Speaker 5 (25:11):
You listen to the whole album. You hear the second
to last.

Speaker 3 (25:13):
Track, Oh you got there. But okay, so I'm glad
that you do that.

Speaker 1 (25:20):
So yeah, you gotta go listen to the seconds the whole.

Speaker 5 (25:23):
Show, listen to it's the whole story. I tell the
whole story.

Speaker 2 (25:25):
My thing is, JD.

Speaker 1 (25:28):
Have you ever had somebody feel that strongly about you
before you felt that way about them?

Speaker 3 (25:34):
Yeah, and I knew it. That's the problem when you
know when I know why because I don't feel the same.
I don't feel the same. But I'm like, I'm dragging
it on. That's the problem. Sometimes you're like, yo, can't
I can't, Like I got no, no, no, but this is

(25:56):
a friend though, No, it's not. It's not though, because
she you even like alluded to it, like you know,
I'll just take it for the experience.

Speaker 2 (26:09):
But like you and in the back of your mind
you know what you're doing.

Speaker 5 (26:13):
Yeah, I just want to be your friend. If it's
not in our cards to have nothing more, maybe in
this timeline with Platonic, because we've been in love before,
maybe all we have and is lifetime, is our friendship
because we've already loved each other. We've already grown old
and had the grandkids and died together already. That's why
I say I want to live and die inside your arms.
And just when you think that's the end, we come

(26:35):
back next lifetime to find each other and do it
all again. Because it's like I've always, I'm always I know,
I know that we've been in love before. It's no way,
it's no way.

Speaker 3 (26:45):
But you know, but in the back of your mind,
even as y'all was from this is a sickness. That's sick.
You do that.

Speaker 2 (26:52):
That's what I'm saying, Like, just be in love like that,
and I'm just taking you. We're going out.

Speaker 6 (26:56):
Together, chilling.

Speaker 5 (26:57):
But the thing is like I never I never guilted
him for not loving me back. I accepted the love
that he had to offer, because I don't get to
say that you don't love me, because you don't love
me the way that I love you. The love that
you are showing me is very real. You'll do anything
for me, You'll do anything for anybody I bring around you,
my kids, my career, my mental health. You do love me,

(27:19):
you just don't love me how I love you. So
I don't get to downplay that the love you have
for me, because it's not the same love that I
have yet it It just was like I'm respecting our
different loves for each other.

Speaker 3 (27:29):
You know that makes sense because I thought, and that's
why I said, in the back in your mind, you
know what you're doing, because low key that is manipulation
where it's like, yo, I'm gonna hang around this.

Speaker 2 (27:39):
Situation for enough time just to change his mind.

Speaker 5 (27:44):
I got a poem on there where I talked about
that too, two poems actually, where I talk about, like
you doing that waiting game, and it's like you're gonna
be waiting forever my love. This is not fair?

Speaker 2 (27:55):
You know? Is this album about him? Write that down?
We might want to take.

Speaker 5 (28:08):
Album is about love in general, so I talk about
self love I talk a lot about the love for God.
I talk about the love for my male friends that
are really platonic. But there are a lot of tracks
on the album about my love for him. So my
album is just about love in general, mental health and
family and my children and my friendships and my love

(28:29):
for God. But it's definitely enough poems on there about
my love for him, for sure, for sure, probably about
half the album.

Speaker 1 (28:35):
I've been in situations like this before and it was
definitely uncomfortable. Only and this is not to speak to
your situation whatsoever, because obviously y'all mature into something else,
and y'all had a really deep different type of connection
that friendship, And so mine's wasn't mine's was more friend
I think y'all were like more than that the whole time.

Speaker 5 (28:58):
Oh no, no, no, absolutely not.

Speaker 3 (29:00):
Well not you say, do anything for my kids, do
anything that I was friendship.

Speaker 5 (29:05):
That's friendship. When you think about the way that you
show up for your friends.

Speaker 2 (29:09):
Best friends fall into that.

Speaker 5 (29:11):
But I have a lot of friends, you know, of
best friends, it's like your best friends.

Speaker 3 (29:17):
Yeah, so that's different. Yeah, so friend and best friend status,
those are different, different, absolutely, right, you understand what I'm saying,
best friends get anything out of out of me.

Speaker 5 (29:26):
Absolutely.

Speaker 1 (29:27):
I've literally slept on the floor one of my best
friends while him and his girl was homeless. They slept
in the head and I slept on the cot on
the floor because they needed more room for them, they
needed somewhere to go. You know what I'm saying, So
that that.

Speaker 3 (29:41):
That was a wild situation.

Speaker 1 (29:42):
By the way, if you know, you know, I have
been in situations like that where I was giving all
of this friendship to somebody and I didn't realize it
was turning into love for them because they was like, well,
if he's like this as a friend.

Speaker 2 (30:03):
Imagine who he is.

Speaker 3 (30:04):
I know that we could because this is all I need.
If I could just fuck him, we could just right
here and fuck and just beat again. It could just
be this right here, and but fucking was never on
the table for me.

Speaker 1 (30:19):
I just liked you, loved you as a friend, and
it got uncomfortable for me and I wind up having
to slow it down, and then somehow I became the
bad friend.

Speaker 5 (30:32):
And that's exactly what I refused to do in my situation.
There's been times where we stopped, We've had to stop
being friends multiple times because I was like, I don't
ever want to villainize you for not choosing me. I
love the way that you show it for me, but
it obviously means a lot more for me than it
means for you, and I never want to get to
the point where I start performing to try to earn

(30:52):
your love either, because I said, when I do anything
for my male friends, they could call me do this,
do that, and I'm there, I'm coming running when you
call me, I'm come and running a little different because
I'm like, Okay, he's calling.

Speaker 2 (31:04):
He wants to.

Speaker 5 (31:05):
Whenever I start trying to gain something out of what
I do for you, then I got to pull back
because that's not pure love. If I want to do
something for you, it got to come from my heart.
Whenever what I'm doing for you comes with an agenda,
then I got to pull back. So we've stopped being
friends plenty of times. Plenty of times, but out of
maturity of going this ain't coming from a pure place
because you think that you got your friend here that's

(31:27):
just showing up to support you. And in the back
of my mind, I'm like, one day this is going
to be more, and that's not fair to the other person. Yeah,
that's not fair to him, That's not fair. So I
had to. I've walked away from that friendship so many times.
That's the only thing to do. That's the only thing
that's fair, because imagine what that does to a person.

(31:49):
I don't want to even if you end up with me,
it would not have been your choice. You would have
settled for me because I'm not what you want. I'm
trying to convince you to love me, and that's not fear.
I don't want anybody to be with me out of
the guilt of me loving you so much. So I've
I've definitely walked away plenty of times. Plenty of times.

Speaker 3 (32:07):
You ever been in that yesterday, You have been in
that situation where you felt like.

Speaker 1 (32:10):
You loved them more than they loved you, or you
was like hoping that this could be something.

Speaker 7 (32:16):
No, in reverse, I feel like somebody has loved me
more than I love them, and they've waited around and
you know, just trying to do things.

Speaker 3 (32:23):
To try to earn that status.

Speaker 2 (32:25):
What you fucking them?

Speaker 3 (32:27):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (32:28):
Oh yeah, I was about to say.

Speaker 3 (32:29):
I was about to say, you can't do that.

Speaker 2 (32:34):
That's what makes you the villain.

Speaker 5 (32:36):
That's what makes you the villain. No, when I say friendship,
I mean friendship. No fucking touching, sucking, kissing, nothing, this
is friendship.

Speaker 2 (32:45):
The thing is, I'm like, all right, maybe you can something.
That's what I'm saying. Like, I get what you're saying, right,
It's like you can get some dick as a friend.

Speaker 5 (32:57):
You can't do that.

Speaker 2 (32:59):
I agree with you. I don't think listen, you could
be friends with people that you had sex with.

Speaker 3 (33:04):
But like, if you're getting into this thing as you
were in love with me and I like you as
a person or friend, yes, I'm saying I should not
fuck you.

Speaker 2 (33:15):
I agree with you. Yes, but head.

Speaker 5 (33:18):
No, that's the difference between But again, that's the difference
between emotional That's the difference between emotional integrity, emotional maturity,
and emotional responsibility. Because this man knew how I felt
about him, and because he knew how he didn't feel
about me, the emotional integrity and responsibility that he had

(33:39):
over my feelings was like, girl, you can't touch because
it's going to mean so much to you and it's
going not to mean that for me, So we should
not even know nothing.

Speaker 2 (33:51):
I agree, I agree, I agree him more like, just
for that, I'll even more.

Speaker 8 (34:01):
That because you actually care my feelings, Like, yo, I've
been there, bro, because how many times you're gonna turn
it down for it like honesty?

Speaker 1 (34:11):
And it becomes you start feeling bad. But then once
you start feeling bad, you start pulling away. You should
right now, because it's like.

Speaker 2 (34:18):
Yo, come on, like.

Speaker 3 (34:20):
This looks every time I'm around you, I feel like
I'm like Gray, I feel like I'm guilty.

Speaker 2 (34:25):
I feel guilty. Have you ever been in in the
opposite situation? Though? Have you ever loved someone and they
didn't love you back? Tell yesterday?

Speaker 3 (34:36):
Yeah, like you love them like you love them?

Speaker 7 (34:39):
Yeah, Like I put it all on the line and
it was like, nah, no, that's cool.

Speaker 2 (34:45):
Not as cool as crazy.

Speaker 5 (34:47):
Discord has to me. Can I get some dick as
a friend? It's crazy, yesterday, you can get some dick
as a friend?

Speaker 2 (34:54):
It's crazy. I don't, I don't. I don't remember.

Speaker 3 (34:57):
Nothing from before. Oh God, Harry, I feel I totally
understand it.

Speaker 1 (35:04):
I'm dead assed though, I feel you. I've been in
this relationship so long I can't.

Speaker 5 (35:08):
It's like a whole nother lifetime.

Speaker 1 (35:10):
That's a whole lifetime bro, that's I can't I can't recall,
but I'm pretty sure I have a look a sucker
for love.

Speaker 2 (35:16):
So I'm pretty sure.

Speaker 1 (35:17):
I have been head over heels to somebody, but I
probably don't even know their name.

Speaker 3 (35:23):
Like I probably there's probably somebody. I seen them on
Instagram and I was like, yo, me, and you can
only be.

Speaker 2 (35:29):
You're the perfect You're perfect for me.

Speaker 5 (35:32):
It's discerning what is real love and what is my
attachment issues? Do I actually want this personal? Am I
just longing for love from any direction that I can
find it? But that's what therapy helps us with.

Speaker 3 (35:41):
I thought she was about to go bring into the
poem just.

Speaker 2 (35:45):
That's just how I talk. It sounds like hell to
life on a cloud.

Speaker 5 (35:54):
Half of what I say is stanzas Yeah, but it's that's,
you know, just discerning. Is it about the person or
is it about the love that I'm longing for from them?
And you know, therapy taught me like nah, it was
it was this nigga. But it's cool.

Speaker 1 (36:08):
You know, you also have another song I'm about to
go to when I wasn't going to talk about it first.
What is the flower? The flowers that loved that are
loved never get picked.

Speaker 5 (36:24):
The flowers that are loved to never get picked. Okay,
so we just goin to talk about him all day
because that's the point.

Speaker 2 (36:29):
I see where that's going. I knew that that is
you brought that this was it.

Speaker 3 (36:32):
I looked at I was like, wait a minute, that's.

Speaker 2 (36:35):
What this is.

Speaker 5 (36:35):
Yeah, I'm telling that story because they say, when you
like a flower, you pick it, but if you love
the flower, you water it daily. You water it daily.
So his love for me was like, if I pick you,
I might destroy you because the way that I'm dealing
with these women ain't you know, they ain't getting the
best of me. But because I love you, I'm going
to leave you alone and water you as a person.

(36:56):
But the flowers that have really loved we never get picked.
And then we start feeling unchosen, like why you're not
choosing me? And that man looked me in my face
and was like, to spare you. I'm not choosing you,
to spare you the love that you get from me.
The women that I'm picking kidding that I am sparing
you right now. So it's like the flowers that a

(37:17):
love never gets picked. I talk about that, like, you.

Speaker 2 (37:21):
Know, I swear on my life. That's a beautiful one.
That's a clip one. Nigga.

Speaker 1 (37:28):
When I listen, I was sitting there, I was, I
will pull over the side of the fucking FDR. There's
no way to pull over that.

Speaker 2 (37:35):
Right now, Nigga.

Speaker 1 (37:37):
I was like, so, I'm not even gonna I'm not
eve gonna stop listen to it. I just need y'all
to go listen to that song. I need y'all to
go listen to the album. And I'm not even trying
to promote the album album. I'm not trying to promote
the album.

Speaker 3 (37:49):
I promise you, I don't give a fu With all
due respect, your numbers are your numbers.

Speaker 1 (37:54):
I want you, as a person to listen to this album.
Whoever's listening. The ship is nuts, bro, thank you. This
ship is nuts.

Speaker 3 (38:01):
Okay, huh lord beautiful, Let's get away from homie. Let's
get away from.

Speaker 1 (38:09):
There's another bar in here. There's another thing. There's two
more things in here, because I got regular topics. But
being as she's here and she's spoke on some real
life ship and they say all I do is talk
about men versus women. There there's some real life ship
that I went through with a friend, uh that was
suffering through depression, that was going through depression. And when

(38:29):
I was I went to Kira's album listening party and
she says something I think when she was talking, she
was like, I was just writing one day. I was
just thinking one day and I was like, damn, I
look no, She's like I woke up one day and
was like, oh shit, I haven't.

Speaker 3 (38:44):
Shaved my legs in seven months.

Speaker 5 (38:46):
In seven months, like, how do we even get there?

Speaker 1 (38:51):
How do we even get So that's the song I
want to, I want to I want to play right now.
And that song is called She She Let She let
Herself Go again. I'm not gonna let y'all hear it
on the show. Go over the Apple music, go over there,
wherever you listen to YouTube music, whatever it is, listen
to She let Herself Go and then come back. All right,

(39:13):
let me see if I can get this back up
onto the tele of visual.

Speaker 2 (39:18):
Yo, yo, hell y yes.

Speaker 3 (39:23):
Put the uh just going back please my brother, Wow, speechless.

Speaker 5 (39:33):
That one is heavy.

Speaker 1 (39:34):
It's heavy because I was the person telling them all
you gotta do is change.

Speaker 2 (39:41):
The way you think.

Speaker 3 (39:41):
MM, Like yo, You're you're doing this to yourself almost
like like like I was a victim of their diff
I I I don't. It took a lot, it took years.
This person was around me for years trying to explain
to me that they don't want this. They don't choose this.
You can't positive affirmation this, you can't.

Speaker 5 (40:04):
This isn't it's chemical, This isn't.

Speaker 2 (40:07):
Like I'm not.

Speaker 3 (40:09):
I don't want to be the negative energy in your life. Nigga,
this is happening to me. I'm suffering through this. And
when I listen to this song, I hear myself in
your christ I hear you crying to me, Like, Bro,
you don't you're not listening. You don't hear me, you

(40:31):
don't understand.

Speaker 1 (40:32):
You think this is just a person with a nasty disposition,
and that's not what this is. I am fighting behind
a glass wall, and this other version.

Speaker 3 (40:43):
Of me is what you keep thinking this is. And
I can't get through. One day I wake up like this.
The next day I might have a smile. Doesn't mean
I'm happy. I just you know, it's a better day.

Speaker 2 (40:59):
Unfortunately, we don't understand or get it.

Speaker 3 (41:06):
If you're not a person that goes through depression, you'll
never understand how they feel and things of that nature.
And much like Tahoe, I've had friends that were suffering
with depression real bad, and.

Speaker 2 (41:22):
I will say I was very.

Speaker 3 (41:24):
Ignorant to the situation at hand that it was like
a real mental illness. And I would say the same
thing like, oh man, what fuck you doing? Tighten up,
let's go what we got going on, because I would
have respectfully, I have very low patience for a lot

(41:47):
of things, and it's something I've been working on. But
like someone feeling sorry for themselves was something I had
no patience for, you know what I mean, because.

Speaker 2 (42:01):
Of the situations that we grew up.

Speaker 3 (42:03):
In, you know, of like just eating certain things to
go to sleep at night or go to sleep hungry.
I never had patience for people that was complaining about
things that may seem minuscule to me, but it was
large for them. And I had to understand, like, yo,
bro that had that's not up to you to like

(42:25):
understand their depression.

Speaker 2 (42:27):
You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 (42:28):
The the the biggest thing they need from uh, from
you right now is support. Yes, you get what I'm
saying in the in the biggest way. So you know,
it was really M I love from your perspective of
like yo, h like tahoe, even like yo, you know

(42:49):
I'm tripping. You know what I mean? I should be
your friend instead of being like yo, tighten up or
give you positive affirmations like nah, man, you're good, you're
a great person, you just got a new job.

Speaker 5 (43:05):
I like to always bring the conversation back to chemical imbalance,
because depression. There is a such thing a situational circumstantial depression,
where something happens that can trigger you into being depressed.
But for a lot of people, depression is a chemical
imbalance within your brain that it has nothing to do
with if you ate. It has nothing to do if
you have money, Because you can see someone who's broke,

(43:26):
struggling crist and they could still be happy. You can
still find that happiness. And you could see someone that
you feel like they got all of this going for them,
why aren't they happy? Depression has nothing to do with
your blessings. It has nothing to do a lot of
times with the things that could be perceived is why
someone is unhappy. So I like to always talk about

(43:46):
the chemical aspect and depression instead of a circumstantial aspect.

Speaker 2 (43:51):
What triggers your depression.

Speaker 5 (43:53):
I have a family, I'm predisposed to certain chemical imbalances
like and my family a lot of the women bipolars
gets Rennick. So I think that just growing up in
that type of environment, having to be in and out
of mental hospitals, watching the women in my life struggle
with those type of mental illnesses, and I could just

(44:13):
remember always as a child going I am not okay,
but I don't know why. I don't know what's wrong
with me. I did not know what depression was, and
then I would I even had like suicide attempts as
a child, not knowing something is wrong, but I don't
know what's wrong because I'm a kid. I have to
figure this out. So just growing up battling depression as

(44:33):
a kid. By the time I got to like my twenties,
I was like, oh, this is what that is. The
language started becoming popular enough for us to learn the
tools around anxiety, depression, this and that, because for a
long time, you just think something is wrong with me,
but you don't know what it is. If you don't
know that word.

Speaker 3 (44:53):
So and nowadays people were trying to use it like, oh,
this is just a buzzword. That y'all using.

Speaker 5 (44:58):
Now, it's just a word that we learned. We didn't
know it, We didn't know what it was. We just
knew something was wrong, Like what is this? No matter
what's happening. I think one of the worst things about
depression is it almost makes it possible to feel like
people love you, because you know that you love other people.
I know that I could show up for you, and
I know that the way I feel about you, But

(45:19):
depression kind of alienates you to where you feel like
nobody loves you back. And if you're depressed, then you're
gonna feel like nobody would care if I was gone.
And that's why so many depressed people take their lives,
because it makes it impossible to feel the love that
so many people are showing you. No matter what you
do to show.

Speaker 3 (45:35):
Up for me.

Speaker 5 (45:36):
If I am in a depressive state, I might not
feel none of it. I might not feel none of it.
And it's a scary thing, but you know, we get through.
We gangsteras.

Speaker 2 (45:45):
I ain't gott a lot. That's tough. I do have
those moments.

Speaker 3 (45:47):
Though I have those moments, I think about it like that,
where like what happens if when I'm not here.

Speaker 2 (45:52):
How will people feel? You know what I'm saying, Like,
what have I doo?

Speaker 3 (45:57):
Wo?

Speaker 2 (45:58):
People cry?

Speaker 3 (45:59):
Just one of your hats?

Speaker 2 (46:05):
Yo, shut up man.

Speaker 3 (46:09):
I used to call this nigga hat man. This is
much somebody somebody came up to me and was like, Yo,
why don't you have your own hatline? Like somebody a
person I'm bartender and somebody comes to the spot regularly.

Speaker 2 (46:21):
It's like every time I see you, you have a
hat on.

Speaker 3 (46:26):
That's you Like, why don't you have your own hatline?

Speaker 2 (46:29):
I'm like, are you insane?

Speaker 3 (46:31):
We're gonna do that?

Speaker 5 (46:32):
You don't have your own hatline?

Speaker 3 (46:33):
Well, first of all, I used to do merch for
for the pod long time ago.

Speaker 2 (46:39):
Hats is very expensive.

Speaker 3 (46:41):
Hats is super expensive, and like the way I would
do my hats.

Speaker 6 (46:46):
You know what I'm saying, be regular. They gotta be
one of them.

Speaker 3 (46:58):
Things, right, I'm putting it on my come on.

Speaker 1 (47:03):
One of the questions that I do would like to
ask you, as somebody that has dealt with depression, right
because I've asked, I've asked friends how do I show
up for a person? Because a lot of times they'd
be like, yo, just give them space and for me,
that just goes against everything that I am as a friend,
as a person, Like I'm a fixer. I just that's

(47:24):
just what I do. If you got something going on,
I try to think of all of the things that
makes sense to me for you to do, and let's
incorporate that.

Speaker 3 (47:31):
And I feel like I've done my job. I'm a
good friend, and I can go back to being by myself,
right because I love being by myself.

Speaker 2 (47:37):
So but.

Speaker 1 (47:40):
Say, if my friends say, I remember Dodge used to
have these moments where she would just need time by
herself to deal with a certain thing that happened in
her life, her mom's past. I think that's that's good.
You can talk about it now.

Speaker 3 (47:53):
And so around Mother's Day she would disappear for a
month and a half, two months, nothing, no tweets, no texts,
no Instagram gone, just off the radar.

Speaker 1 (48:06):
You're like, y'ore, what the fun. And then somebody was like, yo,
you know this is that time. And so I would always.

Speaker 3 (48:11):
Try to call and call and you know, ru straate
the voicemail, you know, not to ring out the one ring.
You know they're sending you the voicemail. Wow, oh you
you're doing it.

Speaker 2 (48:20):
Like that.

Speaker 1 (48:21):
So I would kind of feel a way because I'm like,
I'm trying to show up for you and you dubbing me,
and they was, and you know, we had the conversation
on it showed plenty of times where she would be like, Yo,
I need you leave me to fuck alone.

Speaker 3 (48:34):
That's that's what I need you to do. But you
with your depressive staate.

Speaker 2 (48:39):
So what you know about it?

Speaker 3 (48:41):
What is your advice for somebody that does know somebody
that has those moments, like what can they do to
support them? Because that's what JD said support.

Speaker 5 (48:48):
I think the number one thing that you can do
when you have a friend that is battling a depression
or depressive episode to support them is simply asks them
what they need, because it is going to be so
custom made. What this friend might need might not be
the same thing that that friend's need might not be
the same thing that that friends need. So you need
to have the capacity to show up for your friend
in a specific way that they need. This friend might

(49:11):
need you to lead them alone. This friend might need
you to pull up and watch a movie with them.
This friend might need you to run an errand that
they can't get out of bed and run themselves. It's
simply asking the question what do you need from me?
And that shit changes everything because if you have it
in your mind that I'm going to show up as
the friend that I am, instead of you having it
in your mind that I'm going to show up as
the friend that you need me to be, then that's

(49:32):
not help. That's control. I tell people all the time.
I have a lot of people that say they want
to help me, Oh, I help you with this, and
I help you with that, And I'm like, okay, boom,
I need help with x y Z. Oh no, I
don't want to help with x y Z. I want
to help with this and that, And I'm like, you
don't want to help me. You want to control the situation.
In order to help someone, it's helping them in a
way that they need your help. So that question how

(49:53):
do I show up for you? Is how you show
up for them. Just ask how do I show up
for you? What do you need from me? And that
specific person is going to be able to answer that,
because I could be a bullshit social media guru and
give you a blanket answer do this and do that,
and pull up on your friends or give them their space. No,
everybody don't need the same ship. Ask your friend, how

(50:14):
can I help you? How do you need me to
show up for you? Because everybody's gonna need something different.
It's really that simple, that question, that question right there, that's.

Speaker 3 (50:24):
A seventh clip. I know, I don't think like this
artificial with her to day with her and you better collapsed.

Speaker 5 (50:43):
That might have to be first, because you know it's
mental health Awareness Day and I think again a couple
of days ago. Yeah, yeah, just that question alone is
the That's the help. You're thinking too hard about it.
Maybe I need to do this, Maybe I need to
do that. You just need to ask them what they
need because it's kind of like a relationship. Every girl
that you date is not gonna want the same things
from you. Every man that I'm dating is not gonna

(51:05):
want the same things for me. You have to study
your partner and figure out how they need to be
loved by you, in the same way you gotta study
your friends. How do you need love from me? Today?
One friend might need you to get the fuck out
of their space, and one friend might need you to
pull up to the house.

Speaker 1 (51:18):
Always say shit, that just seems like I could be
doing more, because shit, I'm fucking you know the squid word,
what is it? The SpongeBob with it in the window
in the dark looking out, I'm outside.

Speaker 5 (51:29):
Like one thing I will say, because I have a
lot of friends who are the type of person that
when they are battling depression, they need to be left
the fuck alone. The best thing you can do for
those friends is not make them feel funny when they
are ready to come back around. I let my friends know,
no matter how long you leave for, no matter how
much space and time you need, I'm right here when
you get back, I'll be read. I'm gonna give you

(51:49):
all the space. I'm gonna give you all the time.
I'm not gonna make you feel uncomfortable. I'm not gonna
make you feel alienated. I'm not gonna make you feel like, oh,
you couldn't show up. I'm gonna show you that same
love if we ain't speaking a month or two, because
I'm right here when you needed that time, I'm gonna
give you that time. Just know that I'm right here
for you. I'm right here whenever you're ready to come
back to me. And that's the best thing you can
do for those friends. Because a lot of those friends

(52:10):
struggle with ever coming back to us because they feel like, Damn,
I shut down too long. I ain't got no friends.
Now I feel guilty I left everybody. Nobody's gonna want
to be around me. It's like, I'm right here, nothing's changed.
Fuck it, you needed a minute, we right back, were
right back.

Speaker 3 (52:24):
Damn that was a bar.

Speaker 1 (52:26):
I ain't gonna lie. That's a fucking bar because I'm
definitely that y'all know me. I'm the most I just
I'm just ridiculous.

Speaker 3 (52:35):
So you come back, I'm be like, oh you couldn't
nancy your phone?

Speaker 5 (52:38):
Now you're back right fighting for my life? Can I
not feel like shit? I already feel like shit? Can
you just make me feel loved again? To come on home?

Speaker 2 (52:50):
I'm gonna make you feeling guilt, trip you a little bit.
So that's a bar. For me, that's a bar.

Speaker 3 (52:55):
It might not have been very right, but for me,
you just taught me some ship. Yeah, honestly, I'm about
to hear homie up, Yo, what do you need from me?

Speaker 2 (53:04):
You know what I'm saying? Like real talk, pull back up,
pull back.

Speaker 5 (53:09):
You're going for so long because you don't know how
to have this conversation with me. You feel bad about disapparing,
I promise you pull back up. We ain't got to
do this. We ain't got to do this.

Speaker 1 (53:17):
Yeah, yesterday, what you got over there? I know you're listening.
You ain't saying much. I'm chilling, I'm listening. I'm just listening.

Speaker 3 (53:23):
I agree. I agree with a lot of a lot
of us being said. We are smoking today.

Speaker 1 (53:33):
You'll know I got regular ass topics. Carri is multi dimensional.
Talking about Cardi B before we're talking about yes, yes
it was. I only want getting to Taylor Swift selling
four million.

Speaker 2 (53:48):
But you first week, first week, first week? What four MILLI?

Speaker 7 (53:53):
Oh wow, jesus, you got the girls two million physical?

Speaker 2 (53:58):
She's massive. Two millions physical, two million physical. That's massive, bro.

Speaker 3 (54:03):
She did like five hundred thousand.

Speaker 2 (54:04):
That's that's m J ship dead ass.

Speaker 3 (54:07):
Not even like she's huge, bro, I'm the biggest.

Speaker 2 (54:12):
Know what what what? What artists that's black could do? Done?

Speaker 3 (54:17):
What's right now?

Speaker 2 (54:20):
Not even doing that?

Speaker 3 (54:20):
No, don't what forget it? You're like, be honest, no, no, no,
I love you.

Speaker 2 (54:26):
We can't say it out loud. We can't. We can't.

Speaker 3 (54:31):
That's not a combo it's not the same. No, he
said yesterday, and we're talking and we agreed. I'm gonna
keep it real. We agree. You can't even quit Beyonce
and Tales for conversation. That's over.

Speaker 2 (54:42):
What do you what do you? What do you mean?

Speaker 3 (54:44):
I'm just talking music. She's just so four million a week?
What are we talking about?

Speaker 2 (54:48):
No? No, I agree with that. Okay, that's what you're
say you're talking about as far as like popularity, just.

Speaker 3 (54:54):
We're just talking about.

Speaker 2 (54:54):
I compared it.

Speaker 3 (54:55):
I don't want to get fucking like, oh non men
one y'all, I'm fucking dead. I don't know the words.
Y'all know what I meant?

Speaker 2 (55:06):
You know?

Speaker 3 (55:09):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (55:09):
Yeah, but white experienced back experience. M this is what
that white experience back experience. Four million in a week?

Speaker 2 (55:17):
Four million is crazy?

Speaker 1 (55:18):
To sixty we're talking about with us, and we're arguing
about it, and we're fighting over it.

Speaker 3 (55:23):
Year did two sixty I did two seventy four mil.
What are you talking about? Four mill?

Speaker 2 (55:29):
What are you talking about? Four million is crazy?

Speaker 7 (55:31):
Maybe you're not hearing what I'm saying. Two million physical
is crazy.

Speaker 3 (55:35):
In twenty twenty five, I cannot believe people sliding with
by target website Target Walmart.

Speaker 2 (55:43):
Oh yeah, her drop. She probably like with her Merchen.

Speaker 7 (55:46):
When me and Time was talking on the phone, I
was telling him that she she put out you know,
she does the variance and she does. She has twenty
eight different versions of the album direct.

Speaker 3 (55:54):
This cut, behind the scenes smart. So she's been so
she it's twenty eight versions out.

Speaker 2 (55:59):
She's genius level of marketing.

Speaker 7 (56:01):
Yeah, because you know, because she's already weaponared to fans
to say, yo.

Speaker 2 (56:07):
We're gonna buy it, like after the industry too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I.

Speaker 3 (56:10):
Tried to play.

Speaker 7 (56:11):
I tried to take my masters from me. So we're
going to make sure that we're gonna make sure that
we get this all back.

Speaker 3 (56:16):
I can't even see where you would play a physical album,
you know what I'm saying, Like.

Speaker 5 (56:21):
I get the rest of everybody's going now.

Speaker 3 (56:24):
The Nyls two million, I have a couple more. I
don't want talk about the white people.

Speaker 2 (56:31):
I'm bad. I love the white people that I love.

Speaker 3 (56:34):
Y'all know who y'all are. I got a couple more
they I gotta get off on this on this Carrier album.
Yes you mind?

Speaker 4 (56:45):
No?

Speaker 3 (56:46):
No?

Speaker 5 (56:46):
I love talking about the album I worked on it
for years. Let's keep the conversation going.

Speaker 3 (56:52):
Yes, yes, talk, I can I ask about the album.
I know you got something Sugar Care.

Speaker 7 (56:57):
So we were talking a little bit a little bit earlier,
and you were telling me about a lot about your production.
So I wanted you to speak and tell the audience
just a little bit about the production and how you
set it up and who was involved with the production
of it, because I thought that.

Speaker 3 (57:08):
Was really really dope.

Speaker 5 (57:09):
Okay, So as a poet, it's kind of hard for
me to do my poems with a beat. So I
had to go to the studio and record everything a cappella,
and all the producers that were part of it were
going to have to create the beats around the poem, right,
And I knew that I wanted multiple different genres. I
didn't want to just have like pianos and guitars. I

(57:30):
wanted different feelings. So I have a gospel track on
there that is produced by k Bugie. He's a gospel
producer that has worked on a lot of Tyler Perry projects.
I have a couple jazz tracks on there that is
produced by the jazz group Bees. I got some R
and B tracks that is produced by this producer named Aj.
And then I got my hip hop tracks that is

(57:52):
produced by you know Ato Jacob and rush D and
the whole B Genius team, and they are exclusively They
would do like hipop stuff like for Nicki Minaj and
Future and Lil Wayne and stuff. So when yeah, you know,
that's that's kind of a that's kind of their bop.
But when we collaborated, it was like, you know, they
had never done poetry. I had never worked with producers,

(58:13):
so how can we bring this together and create a
poetic hip hop sound. So my album, you'll go through
all of the different genres. There's some like Sir Charles,
he's one of my producers on there. He produces for
like Daniel Caesar and Brandy. So when I have him
come to do poetry, my poetic tracks that he did,
he actually did the flyers that I love. Never get
picked to make a sound more rhythm and blues, you know,

(58:35):
because that's his forte. So I think I just worked
with a lot of different producers to bring together a
lot of different genres and sounds. So this is a poetry, jazz,
R and B hip hop album.

Speaker 3 (58:47):
That's fine. I have one more question.

Speaker 7 (58:49):
And also two we were speaking and something that you're independent, yes, yeah,
and so telling me a little bit about that and
about what you started, because I thought that was really
really dope when we were talking about Yeah.

Speaker 5 (58:58):
So being a poet, I feel like my genre is
the most overlooked to Like a lot of people don't
take poetry serious. With what I've done in poetry. If
any other genre, like a musician or a comedian, that
anybody would be doing what I'm doing, it would have
been way blown up by now. I've toured the world,
you see what I'm saying. But because my genre people
treated like a subgenre, then we don't get the same

(59:19):
opportunities as a lot of people.

Speaker 1 (59:21):
So to that point, when I told people that she
was up for consideration for a Grammy nomination, people's like
spoken word exactly.

Speaker 5 (59:30):
It was like, even do that they're only four years
in our category. If it wasn't for j Iv, He's
one of the top spoken word artist, shotout Jay Iv.
He campaigned and he fought to make sure that we
could have this category for spoken word Grammy. Me and
my friend, my partner, Rachelle Jemini, we created a spoken
word label like we need to do the first ever
poetry label, because clearly these labels are not signing us,

(59:53):
they're not even acknowledging poets for real. So we created
a spoken word poetry label called Yellow Brick Road, and
my album is the first that we put out on it,
and it is up for.

Speaker 3 (01:00:01):
Grabby consideration, and it's independent.

Speaker 5 (01:00:03):
It's independent. It's independent, no machines, no labels, just a
couple of friends trying to change ther world.

Speaker 1 (01:00:09):
And that's why, even though I said, I'm not trying
to push your numbers, if you like it, share it, yes,
if you have a lounge, if you a bartender, put
it in the background, say yo, play this, play this
like if you feel that, if you feel like we
can actually help, like you know, each one, teach you one,
spread the word the way the way you may want to,
the way you can.

Speaker 5 (01:00:31):
But go ahead, yeah, Because it's like I do a
lot for my name, but I do everything for my genre.
This is really for the poetry community. This is really
for us to break down those barriers and walls and doors.
Because I am able to maneuver and get in a
lot of different rooms, so I always have to make
sure I'm getting in a room as a poet and
put it on for.

Speaker 3 (01:00:48):
My put on for my culture like you you do
two nights conversations.

Speaker 5 (01:00:52):
And I have it in my contracts that, oh, before
I get on stage to pop my ship, I need
to do a poem so that the people can know
like I'm a poet first, I'm not just another voice.
That's why he was saying, like I thought you was
about to go into a poem, because I speak poetry.
I want people to always know like she not just
somebody who would talk real stuff, but she's a She's
a poet for real.

Speaker 3 (01:01:10):
Right Then you get damn you get down.

Speaker 5 (01:01:13):
I gets busy that.

Speaker 2 (01:01:16):
It's busy.

Speaker 3 (01:01:17):
I don't like when you.

Speaker 1 (01:01:18):
Agree, ship, because when Dodge tried to drag me last week,
first of all, you was agreeing with me.

Speaker 3 (01:01:25):
Then you jumped on that when she on both points,
I agree, I agree. What do you mean thousand se Yo,
don't do that, bro.

Speaker 2 (01:01:32):
I agree with both points. Two things can be true.

Speaker 5 (01:01:35):
But like my thing is, that's just because.

Speaker 3 (01:01:40):
Yo, I agree with a lot with what women say
a lot, you know what I mean? Not because not
because you're to do so, Huh. You gotta be man
enough to do so.

Speaker 2 (01:01:53):
Right, and you got to look within yourself. You gotta
be man enough.

Speaker 1 (01:01:55):
Like I think a lot of people take it as
a shot towards their masculinity, to their manhood.

Speaker 3 (01:02:00):
Oh yo, you know what, Yeah, I could do that better.

Speaker 2 (01:02:02):
You know what, Yeah, I do that. I fucked that up.
Like that's not bro accepting.

Speaker 3 (01:02:06):
It is actually mad man, that's masculine thing you could do,
except like, you know what, you right, but you clearly
hated that.

Speaker 1 (01:02:19):
No, I didn't like the one last I could put on.
When you get one lash what you say, kiss my ass? Yeah,
I agree, I agree, shoul kiss her as.

Speaker 3 (01:02:33):
I miss you.

Speaker 2 (01:02:34):
Gosh.

Speaker 3 (01:02:36):
Yeah, There's just so many gems on this And as
I'm looking for the next one, I'm like, oh, I
can't skin this one. I can't skip this one. One
hundred and fifty days. One hundred and fifty days. What's
that about?

Speaker 1 (01:02:47):
And I could personally real personally I just asked my wife.
I just asked her, are you listening? I can personally relate? Right,
So track number nine, one hundred and fifty days. I'm
gonna play it all right, ship, we already over hour.
I have to go to fucking into the second episode.
But before we do. I got to play one hundred
and fifty days, y'all. No, I'm gonna play it.

Speaker 3 (01:03:09):
Go listen to it. Oh child, now let me see.

Speaker 5 (01:03:12):
Now, this is the only poem on the album that
I had no production on, and I told my team
this has to be a cappella so they could hear
every word that I'm saying. We don't need no beat,
we don't need no background. Just let me get this off.

Speaker 3 (01:03:24):
Oh that's she deep too.

Speaker 2 (01:03:27):
JD smiling like, get to it, got ready, let's do it.

Speaker 3 (01:03:33):
Yeah, you guys, come on now.

Speaker 2 (01:03:34):
One hundred and fifty floors that I chose to overlook, one.

Speaker 5 (01:03:37):
Hundred and fifty floors of mine that I continue to overlook.
That's before I started therapy. When you keep going through us,
it's not working out. Uh, something you're not paying attention to.

Speaker 2 (01:03:48):
Yesterday? How you feel about that?

Speaker 3 (01:03:50):
Man? Ya, it's been a lot of heat being played
today and we're gonna lie to man y'all you've been
through a ye. How long did it take y'all to
get over her up? Break up?

Speaker 2 (01:04:02):
Men?

Speaker 3 (01:04:02):
The guys in the room took me three years to
get over my last relationship. MM, how did you know
when you were done, when you were good. Uh.

Speaker 2 (01:04:09):
We went out for dinner or lunch or was and
I l I was watching her talk and I was like, oh,
not in love.

Speaker 3 (01:04:18):
With you anymore? Oh shit, M yeah fuck.

Speaker 2 (01:04:23):
I realized she was still in that same place I
left here.

Speaker 3 (01:04:25):
Mm yeah, but you had done three years at work
on I also had done three years of work. But
I've grown and that was the reason why we broke up.
Like she wasn't growing m with me. M and I
didn't know how to she wasn't grown individually, and she
wasn't grown with me.

Speaker 4 (01:04:42):
Uh.

Speaker 3 (01:04:42):
And I didn't know how to help her pass me
trying to help her like she would quit everything M.

Speaker 2 (01:04:48):
So uh three months, I mean three years. Sorry.

Speaker 3 (01:04:54):
I compared everyone to her cause she was my longest
relationship and I was just like and I was deeply
in love.

Speaker 2 (01:05:01):
That's why when people were like, yo, I'm in love,
I know you wasn't you know what I mean? Like
in love?

Speaker 3 (01:05:08):
I was in love with that woman right and I
could not see anyone passed her. And I exactly remember
when that day changed. Was when I met up with her.
She's like, hey, like, I know you want to do
we want to like she was in Florida, she was
considering coming back or like we're gonna fly, and I'm like,

(01:05:32):
I'm like looking at her and she's talking about whatever
the fuck she's talking about the same shit.

Speaker 2 (01:05:38):
I'm like later three years later, thog, three years later.

Speaker 3 (01:05:42):
You got up for that meal.

Speaker 2 (01:05:43):
You felt so good walking away, and.

Speaker 3 (01:05:45):
I felt amazing walking away, bro, Like I remember actually
she was driving, she was driving me, probably to my call,
whatever the case is, because whatever, she's still doing the
same shit, like shit, just she was in a place
and she seven years older than me, so she was
still in a place where I felt like I've left

(01:06:06):
as a young adult, and I'm like, what's what's What's
what's going on?

Speaker 2 (01:06:11):
Like what's just going on?

Speaker 3 (01:06:12):
Like the music loud unnecessarily, like you know what I mean,
Like you you talking loudly. Main character, he's the main character.
He was his main character. He was just looking at her, like.

Speaker 2 (01:06:25):
My main character does that. This is your last episode
of my show? Oh I love that. That's how you
put it.

Speaker 5 (01:06:31):
I like, I got to write you out of this.

Speaker 2 (01:06:32):
It's the last one. Yeah, man, she's good, she's dope.

Speaker 3 (01:06:36):
Your ratings are low.

Speaker 2 (01:06:39):
Yesterday, what about you.

Speaker 7 (01:06:41):
Yeah, I would say about like a year, about a
year or two. My last relationship took me about a year.
I feel like I would say to me about the
year and a half. No three times because because I
actually think, because I say a year and a half,
because I feel like I mentally knew that the relationship

(01:07:03):
was done, but we had started going to therapy and
we had to like it was like a year of
consistent therapy. And I remember we started therapy in like
a July, and it was like the very next year
of July, and we were having the same argument that
we were having last July. Oh damn, I'm talking about
word for word, ball for ball, breath for breath sometimes

(01:07:26):
And it was just a moment that I was just like, oh,
this is done. Like there's no there's nothing more that
I can add here, because I was the person that
presented going to therapy because I felt like we already
were on the downward thing. So I was like, instead
of give up, let me try to do this right.
And then you know, I did it. I went through
with it. We went two times a week every week

(01:07:48):
like and I feel like at that point a year later,
it's like if we're having the same conversation. I know
that this US just doesn't work, you know what, I'm
I'm not going to because I feel like the therapy
was good for us individually, but us it just didn't connect.
So once I was able to see that, that's when
I was comfortable with feeling like, all right, I'm.

Speaker 3 (01:08:09):
Good my fear I said, I broke up two years ago.
I think something like that. I remember the day we
broke up.

Speaker 1 (01:08:19):
I was sitting with JD, was sitting out on the
couch and we had this thing and to Kieren and
I had spoke about it right before that time, and
she went in the room and she laid on the
bed and she was just crying on the bed and
I was sitting here like because I hadn't spoken about

(01:08:41):
my true feelings like outwardly, so they just kind of
just exploded. All of the shit just came out right.
And I remember watching her cry and shit. And so
now I'm broken up. I'm in my industry. First month,
I go talk to some people whatever that I wanted
to talk to or whatever, because I had been in
my mind I was checked out relationship, so I didn't

(01:09:02):
have that what she was probably going through on her
and I didn't have it because I was checked out.
But I would get flashes of her crying as I
was doing whatever I was doing.

Speaker 3 (01:09:14):
This is kind of emotional.

Speaker 2 (01:09:18):
I would get flashes.

Speaker 1 (01:09:19):
Every once in a while of her crying, right, And
so when I talked to her, it was kind of like,
I don't know, I don't want to say I it
was annoying, but it was like I kept being reminded
of that love that I kind of had shut down
one hundred and fifty days almost to the day. It
was one hundred and fifty days, and she was I

(01:09:41):
could tell she was leaving and around three months, so
I kind of spiked at three and then I started
coming back down and I started like looking differently and
wanting to talk to the kids and see the kids
and shit, and I was like, I don't like this,
feeling like it's about Then I was talking to girl
and I was kind of like, yeah.

Speaker 5 (01:10:03):
Then I used to be like, now, Taho, you know
what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 (01:10:07):
It was like.

Speaker 5 (01:10:10):
Everybodys starting get on your NRD.

Speaker 2 (01:10:12):
I was like, you know what I'm saying, it's just started.

Speaker 1 (01:10:14):
So it's almost one hundred and fifty days to the day,
which is probably It's just funny to me when you
say it, because at the end of it you were like,
he's not coming back.

Speaker 3 (01:10:26):
It's probably how she was feeling. And then I was
just like, yo, I think I'm going to do with you.

Speaker 2 (01:10:32):
I think I want to be with you.

Speaker 5 (01:10:35):
The crazy thing about that poem was it didn't take
me one hundred and fifty days to get over him.
It took me one hundred and fifty days to realize
that the relationship was even over. Because for those first
hundred and fifty days, in my mind, this is a
bad fight. In my mind, we're just taking space. In
my mind, we always come back to each other. So
it wasn't until a day one hundred and fifty where

(01:10:55):
I have to just go, oh shit, this is over
for real. I lived in that denial. That's why I
go through each month like the first month I spent
in to now thinking maybe it was just another fight.
We'd be apart for a few weeks, but then we
make it out all right. You could not tell me
it was over in that specific relationship. It wasn't until

(01:11:15):
day one hundred and fifty did I had to really go, oh,
we don't get back together. This is not a movie,
this is not a TV show. It's really over on
a And I remember boohoo crying like I had a
nosebleed really bad because my blood pressure had spiked so high.

Speaker 2 (01:11:31):
And I was just boohoos.

Speaker 5 (01:11:33):
Screaming, crying, and I couldn't do nothing but right. That
was the only thing I could do on day one
hundred and fifty. But after I wrote that poem, I
was like, you know what, I gotta start telling my
friends the truth about how I'm feeling about this whole thing.
I gotta start talking to new people. I guess I
gotta start moving and taking the steps to actually act
like a single person, because I've been sitting here and
this me and my man is just mad at each other.

Speaker 2 (01:11:55):
And that's not my man no more.

Speaker 5 (01:11:57):
One hundred and fifty days of being in denial. It
took more than that to get over him.

Speaker 3 (01:12:03):
Like, what what does it take to get over a breakup.

Speaker 5 (01:12:07):
That particular breakup?

Speaker 4 (01:12:09):
Uh?

Speaker 5 (01:12:11):
Probably about like a full year, Probably like a full
year or maybe maybe like ten months.

Speaker 4 (01:12:18):
Uh.

Speaker 5 (01:12:19):
When I'm really trying to get over a man, I move,
so it looks like I'm just just creative, wild person
that just likes to live on the road. If you
see me pack up my life and go somewhere else,
I'm leaving something. I'm an escape artist.

Speaker 2 (01:12:31):
So before escape, before I just moved to.

Speaker 5 (01:12:43):
I was like, that's just you know, it's just that's
just what I do. Uh, It's it's to prevent those
emotional crash outs, because, like I said, when you have
the bipolar gene and you I don't want to crash out.
So I could just leave.

Speaker 2 (01:12:59):
Did this shit? She like be broke up? Two months
later or three months later?

Speaker 3 (01:13:04):
She was in Florida.

Speaker 5 (01:13:05):
Oh no, the last guy that I was talking to,
we stopped speaking and I was gone. A couple of
weeks after that.

Speaker 2 (01:13:11):
I was like, okay, weeks, was like, what's going on? Though?
I remember when he.

Speaker 5 (01:13:15):
Looked at me and said, men and women they have
an argument and then you know they'll they'll calm down
and talk about it the next day. We have an
argument in your backing up, yeah, say yeah, because you
know I'm gonna crash out. I can't crash out.

Speaker 2 (01:13:29):
Can't crash out? What was crash out? Looking like you're
knocking on his door or something like?

Speaker 5 (01:13:33):
What crash out when you have mental illnesses and chemical imbalances,
could be anything from breaking in your house to climbing
in your windows, to and radically calling you and because
especially when you got keys and means to get in
someone's house, it can go real bad. And it has
gone real bad for me in the past. The guy
that I wrote hundred and fifty Days about, Remember when
I said so, by month three, I was just days

(01:13:56):
away from knocking on his door. But then my brain
stepped in and told me he doesn't want me anymore.
I still broke in the house after that. Damn. You
know when I try to explain, let me go, so
I don't crash.

Speaker 2 (01:14:10):
And I just you can't tell you?

Speaker 3 (01:14:14):
So I don't you already crashed? You broke into the house,
you crash.

Speaker 5 (01:14:17):
No, no, I mean anymore anymore. I don't crash out anymore.
That was This was years ago. We talked about this before,
back when I was redhead Cara.

Speaker 3 (01:14:26):
So you you.

Speaker 5 (01:14:28):
He was my last crash out.

Speaker 3 (01:14:31):
You went through the window.

Speaker 5 (01:14:33):
I was going to go up the drain pipe because
I couldn't get in the first door. But then I
couldn't get in the drain pipe, and then I was
just waiting. It was like two am, and I was
trying to wait for somebody to walk out the house,
and nobody was walking out the house, and I was
just like, maybe it's not meant for me, baby, I
should just leave. And then at that moment, someone walked
out of the building and I said, it's meant for

(01:14:55):
me to get in here. And I had a key,
so I let myself in.

Speaker 2 (01:14:59):
Hey, and he was.

Speaker 5 (01:15:01):
He was there with his partner, his you know, it
was a woman laying in bed, the new person that
had every ploy oh ship, And I woke him up
and I said, today, yep, everybody wake up.

Speaker 3 (01:15:11):
Everybody didn't had a cup of coffee.

Speaker 5 (01:15:15):
Nah, I was I was on adrenaline. I was on adrenaline.

Speaker 2 (01:15:20):
Everybody will make everybody.

Speaker 5 (01:15:21):
Make up everybody.

Speaker 2 (01:15:24):
What did he do?

Speaker 5 (01:15:25):
He pan peaceful? No, he called the police. She got dressing,
ran out of the house, and I had a manic episode.
I had a mental breakdown. And that was the last time.
I was like, you cannot crash out like this again.

Speaker 3 (01:15:37):
Carol.

Speaker 1 (01:15:38):
I'm sorry, baby, thank you, I'm sorry. We were joking
and ship like that, but I know he was going
through some ship.

Speaker 6 (01:15:43):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (01:15:44):
Yeah, So when I I'm so strict about not letting
anybody tell me something that I'm not seeing. So if
you're telling me one thing, oh, I don't want you
to move on. But then there's obviously somebody else in
the picture. I need to see that shit with my
own eyes. And I saw that shit with my own
eyes and I never looked back. That that was a clarification.

Speaker 1 (01:16:07):
Now, what if there was nobody there that day? Would
that have been? Would you have stayed in delusions even
though he was telling you, yo, I don't want to.

Speaker 2 (01:16:14):
Do this no more.

Speaker 5 (01:16:15):
No, Because eventually I always come back to the space
of who is this person making me? I know who
I am, but I know that men have an influence
to make you somebody else. So who is this person
making me? Who am I? When I am with you?
Are you making me a better version of this person
I am? Or are you making me a saint lunatic?
Are you making me crash out? Are you making me

(01:16:36):
lose myself? So, even independent of that whole situation, I
had to look myself in the mirror and go, I
don't like who this man is making me. You're making
me crazy, You're making me delusional, You're making me depressed.
You're making me all of these things that I'm not.
So I got to give you this back and you
could have that so I can become myself again. And
since him, I haven't dated a man longer than three

(01:16:56):
months because I was with him for a couple of years.

Speaker 3 (01:17:02):
What do you mean you haven't did hey? Is it?
Is it because you're not healed enough?

Speaker 2 (01:17:06):
Yeah?

Speaker 5 (01:17:07):
No, it's just because I'm realizing that after three months,
you'll know if somebody has intention on wasting your time.
When you're young, you could be in that situation ship
for two three years and then you you're trying to
figure this out and once you get to your thirties
and stuff. It's all I need is three months to
see what you're trying to be on. Yeah, and I
don't I don't allow myself to ever get caught in
those moments with people where you about to waste my

(01:17:29):
time for the next few years like he did. I
felt like he wasted a lot of years. So I
have not been with anybody for three months since longer
since EMP, because the first three months is gonna tell
me everything. I need to know what your intentions are.
Men are very intentional. Men are very intentional, and a
man that's coming to waste your time is gonna show
you that they waste your time. I'm not gonna be
delusional enough to act like I don't see what you're

(01:17:49):
trying to do.

Speaker 3 (01:17:50):
In fact, so that's all that.

Speaker 5 (01:17:52):
That only be three months, okay, bet, I'm out.

Speaker 2 (01:17:53):
Of here, all right, y'all.

Speaker 1 (01:17:55):
That is the end of part ones, And this conversation
actually kept going right. We had some responses to her
claim that she doesn't, you know, had dated people more
than three months.

Speaker 3 (01:18:11):
JD.

Speaker 1 (01:18:11):
Actually, you know, spitch a couple of bars after that,
and then we get into you know, our regular so
Shameless topics.

Speaker 3 (01:18:17):
Yo, such a great episode. I don't know how many
clips we're gonna put on Instagram this WRAM, but Jesus.

Speaker 1 (01:18:24):
I hope that you guys are enjoying. Uh, Kira, J
and JD. Their perspectives are just just great to sit
and listen to. I didn't talk much to you on
this shit. I was just sitting there like, YO, they spitting.
But yeah, if you want to go listen to the
full thing, obviously you go over to the So Shameless
Patreon Patreon dot com backslash So Shameless podcast and you

(01:18:49):
can listen to the whole thing ad free. Actually, if
you listen on Patreon, I'm leaving the music in too,
so you don't have to go back and forth.

Speaker 3 (01:18:57):
But it's a little too late for you to hear
that right now. Yeah, it is what it is.

Speaker 1 (01:19:03):
But yeah, man, I'm releasing the second part this Thursday.
I am sitting here still blowing away. I'm actually listening
and Yo, man, her music I don't even know, like,
is it spoken word?

Speaker 3 (01:19:15):
Is it music?

Speaker 1 (01:19:16):
I don't know, but it's a fucking vibe because if
you put the spoken word front of music, then I
guess it is music.

Speaker 3 (01:19:20):
But it's just such a vibe.

Speaker 2 (01:19:21):
Man.

Speaker 3 (01:19:23):
Thank you guys for listening. We will see you on
Thursday or over on Patreon. Peace.

All Episodes

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

The Joe Rogan Experience

Stuff You Should Know

.css-15opob5{left:0;position:absolute;top:0.8rem;} All Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}I Have No Idea What Im Doing Feat Kira J (Part One)

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

.css-r6mb8g{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:1;overflow:hidden;}On Purpose with Jay Shetty

The Joe Rogan Experience

Stuff You Should Know

All Episodes

I Have No Idea What Im Doing Feat Kira J (Part One)

On Purpose with Jay Shetty