Emma Reflects

Emma shares about therapy, learning about trauma and dissociation, and noticing the others inside.

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Content Note: Content on this website and in the podcasts is assumed to be trauma and/or dissociative related due to the nature of what is being shared here in general.  Content descriptors are generally given in each episode.  Specific trigger warnings are not given due to research reporting this makes triggers worse.  Please use appropriate self-care and your own safety plan while exploring this website and during your listening experience.  Natural pauses due to dissociation have not been edited out of the podcast, and have been left for authenticity.  While some professional material may be referenced for educational purposes, Emma and her system are not your therapist nor offering professional advice.  Any informational material shared or referenced is simply part of our own learning process, and not guaranteed to be the latest research or best method for you.  Please contact your therapist or nearest emergency room in case of any emergency.  This website does not provide any medical, mental health, or social support services.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:08):
Over:

Speaker 2 (00:11):
Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about
Dissociative Identity Disorder.If you are new to the podcast,
we recommend starting at thebeginning episodes and listen in
order to hear our story and whatwe have learned through this
endeavor. Current episodes maybe more applicable to longtime
listeners and are likely tocontain more advanced topics,

(00:33):
emotional or other triggeringcontent, and or reference
earlier episodes that providemore context to what we are
currently learning andexperiencing. As always, please
care for yourself during andafter listening to the podcast.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (00:56):
This is Emma. My husband's at the store right
now. I can't really do it, sohe's gone for me. I thought I
would try to record a podcast soI have time by myself. The
children are still at school,but I can hear children.

(01:18):
Someone is crying. Some of themare talking. Someone is laughing
and making jokes. Someone wantsmy hot chocolate. Sometimes I
can hear specific things.
Sometimes it's just all blurredtogether. I don't remember

(01:42):
driving home from therapy. Idon't remember therapy. I know
we were there. I thought I sawher, and I thought I heard her.
But then it was like a dream,and then it went away. And then
when I blinked, like, just in amoment, time is already gone.

(02:07):
And I was in my car, in mydriveway, at home, and the
outside kids were running downthe stairs coming to greet me.
They were so excited to see mehome, and they were so excited
and came running up and huggingme. And I was so glad to hold
them and to be close to them andto be home, except that it's a

(02:32):
funny thing to come home whenyou don't remember leaving.
I'm not even sure how long wewere gone. It's snowing today.
The days are quiet and still.There's something peaceful about
it, the way it blankets theground, except the leaves that

(02:55):
poke through hot me. I don'tknow how, and I don't know why.
They're just leaves. It bothersme the way sitting in the foyer
bothers me to look and see fromthe front door how there are
stairs going up and stairs goingdown, like an expanded version

(03:16):
of a split level home, except wehave a living room right there
by the stairs. But still to goup to the bedrooms or down to
the den, there's something aboutthat that feels like the leaves
in the snow, like something'snot right, like something's not
now. I don't know what it is.Sometimes these feelings are

(03:40):
left in me like clues, But tofollow them is to go on a dark
path, and it's scary andfrightening, and I'm not sure I
wanna go.
And so I don't. Sometimes I tryand I focus on something. But

(04:03):
the more I try to figure it out,the more blurry it gets, the
more dizzy I get, the more fuzzyit all becomes until I forget
what it was I was trying tothink about, what it was I was
trying to remember, what it wasI've already forgotten. My
husband is leaving town nextweek for work. He'll be gone for

(04:27):
a whole week, and I'm reallyanxious about it.
I know I'm an adult, and I cantake care of my children, and I
love to be with them and spendtime together. But they'll go to
school during the day, and I'llbe home alone all day. And I'll
be alone at night after they goto sleep. We have a teddy bear

(04:52):
from therapy that our therapistgave us. It doesn't feel big
enough for a week without myhusband.
I don't know if I'm strongenough to do it. I don't want
something bad to happen orsomething to go wrong or for me
to lose myself or my children.The others are there. They are

(05:18):
me, but not me. I am them, butnot them.
We're completely different andcompletely separate and yet
sharing this body in ways Idon't know how, in ways that
feel so crazy, in ways that Idon't want to understand how or
sometimes don't want to know.There are clothes that are not

(05:41):
mine, shoes that are not mine,jewelry that's never worn, but I
find it laying out, makeup thatI don't even know how to put on.
I don't know who plays thepiano. I don't know who plays
the cello. I don't know how todo the work that I see on the

(06:02):
computer.
I don't know how my children gettheir chores done. I don't know
when I eat. It's not that Idon't eat. It's not that I don't
want to eat. I just don'tremember eating.
But I know that I do. Obviously,I do. Sometimes when I go to

(06:25):
write in the notebooks fortherapy, the table and the desk
are covered in crayons, but mychildren haven't been home or
markers, and the children areplaying outside or even paints.
And this is not what they couldhave fainted. Sometimes I try to

(06:49):
read it to learn what's goingon.
Sometimes the pages blur infront of me, make me nauseous,
and my head turns away before Ican even stop it. Because seeing
the pages or reading what's onthem gets too hard so quickly,

(07:10):
so easily, but I'm trying. Idon't know how there's a house
full of people that I cannotsee. I don't know how there's a
house full of people inside ofme. If I could ever remember
therapy or know that I wasthere, I don't know what I would

(07:31):
say.
I'm happy with my husband. Idon't have any complaints. He
takes good care of me, and he'skind. He's funny, and he helps
with the children, and he helpswith the cooking and the
cleaning. We do everythingtogether.
He's my best friend. When wehave a disagreement, it's just a

(07:55):
difference of opinion, and wecan talk about it. We don't even
have conflicts or arguments. Andthe children are good. They're
not perfect, but they're so wellbehaved, especially for all
they've been through.
So I don't know what I would sayor how I ask for help except

(08:15):
with understanding what's wrongwith me. But that's what makes
it hard Because to understandwhat's wrong with me is to
remember what I can't understandand why all this happened the
way it did. Two of my childrenhave some medical problems that

(08:40):
mean they're in the hospital alot. I had a lot of injuries
growing up, but nothing like thekind of illnesses these kids
have. Maybe that's what I needtherapy for.
That's why I thought I was goingto therapy, was from the trauma,
like, the medical trauma, fromall that we've been through as a

(09:06):
family with life flighthelicopters and hospital stays
and being separated. That's howI lost three whole years. I know
I was in the hospital with thebaby, but I don't remember that.
I mean, I'm aware of it. How canI be aware of something I don't

(09:27):
remember?
That doesn't make sense. Otherthings I can't remember or be
aware of. And other things Iremember so clearly, I don't
know how I forgot anything else.The only other thing I could
think of that maybe I shouldtalk about with my therapist is

(09:48):
just about my dead parents. Imean, my parents have died, so
maybe I should talk about that.
My father had some kind oflymphoma, and my mother had
ovarian cancer. Not at the sametime, but that's how they both

(10:09):
died. My father never forgaveme, but I don't know for what. I
ran away from home when I was17, and I know that that made
them angry. Made my fatherangry.
They were divorced. You know? Myparents. My mother, who had been

(10:34):
unwell for some time, she alsohad a mean streak. She was
addicted to pain pills, and itcaused lots of problems.
But that's just life, right,caring for your aging parents.
It was exhausting, and it washard. I don't know if I did it
well, but I know that I tried mybest to care for them until they

(10:58):
died. But maybe I should talk toher about that. Sometimes when
things get really blurry intherapy, I can hear her, the
therapist.
I can hear her telling me hername and that we're in her

(11:19):
office and that it's safe. I'msafe at home with my husband in
our house. I don't know why it'ssuch a relief to be at the
therapy office and be safethere. I don't know why. I don't

(11:44):
know why I think that I've beenunsafe.
Today, I learned about DID, thatall of us together are called a
system, and that each of usindividual are called alters, or
some people have other names forthem. And I learned that some

(12:09):
people say plural instead ofmultiple because it's more
inclusive for people who don'thave as much amnesia or for
people who have DID but arefunctioning well. I don't know
what functioning well would looklike for me. Maybe being less

(12:31):
afraid, maybe being lessanxious, maybe understanding
more of what was going on aroundme and where I'd been and what I
had done or where they had beenand what they had done. Being
able to care well for my husbandand children, I guess.

(12:54):
And my nightmares, I have suchnightmares. I would need better
sleep to be consideredfunctional, I think. I'm so
tired. I had nightmares againlast night, but I don't wanna
talk about it. But I will sayhaving my husband know about the

(13:18):
DID and having a good therapistwho's really helping me and that
I feel safe with.
It does feel like for the firsttime, the ground is beneath my
feet. Even though it's also hardand often scary, maybe I just

(13:44):
don't feel so alone anymore. I'mtrying to make friends on the
groups or others with DID or whoare no or learning how to be
supportive because so manypeople have helped me. It's not
an easy thing, but I'm trying.There's so much to learn, and

(14:06):
it's hard to process.
I try to learn. I try to readsome of the articles people have
shared or listen to some of theother podcasts or the videos to
watch, but too much of it, andit all gets blurry, and then I
don't remember. And time hasslipped away again. It's like

(14:29):
trying to just hold sand in yourhand or trying to speak color or
trying to see feelings. There'sjust so much disconnected.
I listen to the podcast aboutgoing to therapy, and the deer,

(14:52):
I would have never in a millionyears thought to look up what
that meant, what this simplemeant, or to try and change it
into something good. I don'tknow how you do that. I mean, I
wanna practice good skills thathelp, but it's really hard to
implement when you just don'tknow anything. But I'm learning

(15:14):
some things. I learned todaythat I can freeze an orange and
then use it as a groundingthing, like smell it and touch
it.
I never would have thought ofthat. I also learned that one

(15:35):
thing that can help feel safeor, like, help with grounding is
to turn on all the lights andshut all the doors. I never
would have thought of thateither, but I tried it today,
and it really helped. I guessthat's all I can say today. I
wanna be more helpful, and Iwanna share more.

(15:57):
But I don't remember therapy,the notebooks are gone, so I
can't even read something. But Iwanted to check-in and say
hello. I'm really grateful foryour friendship and your support
as I'm learning about this andfor the things that you've
shared to help me learn. Thankyou for listening and being

(16:22):
there as we learn together. It'sso hard sometimes, but it
doesn't seem so hard when we'renot alone.
I guess that's kind of ironic,isn't it?

Speaker 2 (16:45):
Thank you for listening. Your support really
helps us feel less alone whilewe sort through all of this and
learn together.