Emma's Panic

Emma describes losing time, waking up in a closet, and also having a panic attack that causes her to miss a medical delivery.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:08):
Over:

Speaker 2 (00:11):
Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about
Dissociative Identity Disorder.If you are new to the podcast,
we recommend starting at thebeginning episodes and listen in
order to hear our story and whatwe have learned through this
endeavor. Current episodes maybe more applicable to longtime
listeners and are likely tocontain more advanced topics,

(00:33):
emotional or other triggeringcontent, and or reference
earlier episodes that providemore context to what we are
currently learning andexperiencing. As always, please
care for yourself during andafter listening to the podcast.
Thank you.

Speaker 3 (00:56):
It's Emma.

Speaker 1 (01:00):
I've had a hard week.

Speaker 3 (01:05):
My husband has gone out of town for work. The
children have been fine. They'vebeen really good, actually, and
everything's gone well. I'mremembering to start the Crock
Pot in the mornings so that inthe evenings when I'm stressed,

(01:28):
I don't have to think aboutdinner or what to do for them.
They're getting their homeworkdone and piano practice and
spelling words, and they'rereading out loud and all those
things they have to do.
They're getting their showersdone and in pajamas, and no
one's really throwing fits aboutit. So it's actually been pretty

(01:52):
easy. I'm really grateful tothem. They're really good kids.
I don't always feel like a goodmom, but they're really good
kids.
But after they go to sleep,after I put them down and tuck
them in, and it's just night,then it's hard for me. I'm

(02:18):
scared in the night like achild. It's silly, and I feel
foolish, but it's hard for me.It just is. I have terrible
dreams.
They're nightmares, actually, Iguess. Sometimes bits and pieces

(02:41):
of things. Other times, just onepiece, but over and over. Other
times, some horrible story fromstart to finish. Another times,
it's all muddled up together.
I think I talked about that whenI read from my journal, but it's

(03:03):
really bad, and it's reallyhard, and I don't know what to
do when it happens. And so it'sworse when he's gone. But I know
I'm an adult. Like, it feelssilly to be so scared to sleep.
But I don't think we're sleepingat night while he's gone.

(03:25):
I think we're sleeping in theday, and we're just up all night
waiting for night to be over. Idon't actually know what they do
at night. I don't know how toremember it or how to connect
with that, or how that works.But I know from my watch My

(03:52):
watch has that theme that sayswhen we sleep and how many hours
we sleep and the steps and allthat. Right?
And so I know from the watchthat I'm not sleeping at night.
I don't know what happens allnight. There's papers with

(04:15):
pictures cut out of magazinesand things glued down on the
desk. I guess that's fortherapy. And there's Jell O in
the refrigerator, a lot of JellO in the refrigerator.
And the children are getting toschool okay, and we're doing

(04:36):
what we need after school. Soit's not like anything is really
wrong. It's just hard, and Ifeel silly that it's hard. I
haven't listened to any more ofthe podcast yet because it's
just too much. I don't know howto be able to listen to that or

(04:57):
how to learn to tolerate it, Iguess.
I don't know. There's also a lotof activities for the children
at school because of theholidays, and it really
overwhelms me. Some of it makesme really uncomfortable. I mean,
my children aren't in danger. Iknow that in my head, but some

(05:21):
of it really scares me.
I just get so anxious. It's alsoreally hard for me to be in a
crowd or a group of people. Andso to have to go to all these
events, like, I know I'msupposed to be there, and I
wanna support my children. Butit's really, really hard. And

(05:44):
when people try to interact withme directly, then it feels like
it's too much.
And it's like I slip further andfurther away, falling back into
some kind of mister fog.

Speaker 1 (06:04):
I am trying, but I'm not always functioning so well.
There was a bad thing this week.I feel really bad about it. I
didn't mean to mess things up. Ijust I don't even know what
happened.
It was the second day that myhusband was gone. So while my

(06:28):
husband has been gone, I'vetried to do things, like I said,
like take care of the kids. Butwhen they're gone, it's harder
to know what's happening. OrI'll go somewhere in a room, and
I don't remember why I'm there.Or I try to go get something,
and I don't remember what I wasthere to get.

(06:50):
I'm looking for something, but Idon't remember what I'm looking
for. I need something, but Idon't remember what I need. And
sometimes I just walk in circlesaround my house trying to
remember what it was I was doingor how long I've been looking
for what I was looking for orwhat's going on. I guess that's

(07:13):
why I need help for therapy.Like, it's really crazy.
I don't know what's wrong or howto fix it or how to make it
stop. I'm just really unwell.I'm not well. Something's wrong.
But it makes me anxious, And Ikeep just coming back to our

(07:36):
bedroom, and I shut the door,and I lock it, and I just stay
here.
Sometimes I wake up in thecloset, but I don't wanna talk
about that right now. ButMonday, what happened on Monday?
I feel really bad about this. Itwas really distressing to me. So

(08:04):
our bedroom is at the top of thehouse, at the back of the house,
away from the front door, and Ihad our door closed and locked.
The front door was closed andlocked. I know because I checked
it, like, a hundred times. Butsomeone came, and they were

(08:27):
banging on the door. And I knowsometimes there's packages, but
when there's packages, they justleave them there and go on. And
this person just kept bangingand banging and banging, and I
just got more and more scared,more and more frightened.
And I was like, I couldn't move,and I felt so small. And I

(08:52):
couldn't go into the door, and Ijust stayed up here away from my
doors where no one could see meif they looked under the door.
And I was just so afraid of thedoor opening. And it seemed so
silly, but I couldn't do ituntil there's this place away

(09:18):
from our bedroom door, like,back into the bathroom suite
where the closet is, and I juststayed in there away from the
bedroom door. Not just in myroom sitting on the couch or at
my desk or on the bed, but inthe back.

(09:42):
And I stayed there for hours,just huddled in my blanket,
terrified, and I couldn't moveor ask for help, and no one was
home until it got close to thetime that my children would be
walking home from school. Andthen I panicked because what if
they were in danger? And so Igrabbed my big sweater, and I

(10:06):
ran out of my bedroom. And I randown the stairs into the front
door, and no one was there. So Ilooked around, and I went
outside.
And I still didn't see anyone.And so I ran down the sidewalk
to the school and walked mychildren home so that I would

(10:28):
know they were safe. But I wasstill scared, and so I brought
them into my bedroom and closedthe door and locked it. They
didn't know I was scared, Idon't think. But I told them we
were just gonna have a movienight and watch a movie together
because I wanted to be sure theywere safe, but there was no one

(10:50):
out there.
But then later, I got a messagefrom my husband, and he said it
was about the medical suppliesfor my daughter. Did that who
was coming to the house, and hecanceled it and rescheduled it

(11:11):
for Wednesday because I wasprobably sleeping. He knew I
would be sleeping during the daywhile he was gone. And so I feel
really bad because who can'tjust answer the door? And I feel

(11:32):
bad because they were justbringing my daughter's oxygen
and her feeding tube formula andall her supplies that we need to
take care of her.
And I really messed up herschedule just from not answering
the door, and I didn't mean tocause any harm. I mean, she's

(11:56):
okay. She's safe. She's fine. Wehad what we needed, but it was
like I was paralyzed.
I was just so afraid. So todaywhen they were coming back, I
tried to do everything right. Itried to have all the lights on.

(12:19):
I tried to have all the otherdoors shut so the space that was
open was limited, and I knewthat there was no one coming and
that I would hear someone ifthey were coming. Except there's
no one here.
It's just me. I know that. I lita scented candle in the living
room, and I turned on theChristmas tree lights. And I

(12:46):
started some oil diffusing, somepeppermint oil to help me
breathe and stay calm. And I didmy breathing that my therapist
taught me, and I sent her amessage.
And there's a bear that she gaveus, I guess. I mean, I know it's

(13:09):
from her. I read about that. Andso I kept it close, but not
where the people at the doorcould see it, but where I could
see it in my chair. And, also,my therapist sent me on text a
picture of Pooh and Biglet,which is silly, I know, because

(13:29):
I'm a grown up.
But it was something about justwanting to be sure of you and
that I can be sure of her. And Icalled my husband, and I kept
that picture up so I could see.And I just waited, and I had the

(13:50):
door open so that I could seefirst instead of him banging on
the door or him coming inthrough the door. But so that,
like, it felt like so I could beI was trying to be, you know,
like, on the offensive insteadof on the defense. All I have to

(14:12):
do is open the door and sign hispaper, and then he puts the
boxes in just inside the livingroom.
He doesn't even come all the wayin the house, but that way, I
don't have to carry them in offthe porch, which is good because
I have a lot of pain issues fromother stuff a long time ago. I

(14:35):
don't know. So I tried. I triedreally hard, but it's the first
time I had to do that all bymyself and get her supplies, and
I don't know why. It's so hard,and I feel silly and bad and
foolish and stupid and awfulthat it's so hard.

(14:58):
Like, it's ridiculous. That I'mnot crazy. But if I didn't get
the supplies like, my daughter'slife depends on those supplies,
so I had to do it. There wasn'ta choice, except my therapist

(15:18):
says you always have a choice.And so I had to do that for my
daughter.
Like, that was my choice, Iguess. So I did it, and I got
them. And he put the boxes rightinside, and I signed his paper,
and he left. And I locked theglass door, and I locked the
front door. And I just left allthe supplies there in the living

(15:42):
room.
And I ran upstairs, and I lockedmy bedroom door. And I came and
got under the covers in the bedand just cried. Because what is
wrong with me that that is sohard? Why can't I do that? Such
a simple thing.

(16:03):
Just open the door and sign apaper. But for me, it was really
hard, but I did it. I just missmy husband. It's been a hard
week to be alone for so much,And I missed therapy this week

(16:26):
too, so that's part of it. And,also, there are just days coming
up that I don't like, but I'llsee my therapist on Monday again
next week.
So that will help. I think if Ican get there, someone will get

(16:48):
there. I don't know how itworks. I'm trying to learn, but
it's so hard and it's sooverwhelming. And I feel so
completely crazy.
But today, I opened the doorbecause I always have a choice.

(17:09):
So that counts for something.Right? That's progress. Because
so many days, I don't know ifI'm getting better or worse.
Because when I do the things I'msupposed to do to get better,
like listen to the podcast orread the journal or go to
therapy, then it feels like itjust gets harder, and I don't

(17:30):
understand why it doesn't help.If that's what is supposed to be
helping, why does it feel worsebefore it gets better? That's
not fair. If I have so much totell my therapist who I know is
a good and safe person, then whyis it so hard to talk to her?

(17:51):
Why could I have so many thingsto say until they get there and
then nothing comes out?
If I've been going to see herfor almost a year, why do I not
remember it? I don't even knowwhy I'm crying or what is wrong

(18:13):
or why I can't just shake itoff. It's such a silly thing.
But I need to calm down. Need tocalm down and breathe my way
through it and let it passbecause I need to be okay before

(18:35):
my kids come home from school.
When they get home, I won't bescared. We can put away the
supplies, and I'll do thenursing for my daughter. And I
can make hot chocolate with theother kids. And we'll be okay

(19:04):
because that's what we do. Wemake sure we're okay.
We make sure that each other areokay. I want them to be okay
because I don't want them toever have to feel like this, And

(19:27):
I will make sure that I'm okayso that they know everything
will be okay. I want them to besure of me too, but that's hard
when I'm not sure of me.

Speaker 2 (19:59):
Thank you for listening. Your support really
helps us feel less alone whilewe sort through all of this and
learn together.