February 10, 2014 • 23 mins
Sasha drives to therapy and shares about disorientation.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Over
about Dissociative IdentityDisorder. If you are new to the
podcast, we recommend startingat the beginning episodes and
listen in order to hear ourstory and what we have learned
through this endeavor. Currentepisodes may be more applicable
to long time listeners and arelikely to contain more advanced
(00:32):
topics, emotional or othertriggering content, and or
reference earlier episodes thatprovide more context to what we
are currently learning andexperiencing. As always, please
care for yourself during andafter listening to the podcast.
Thank you.
(00:56):
Hi everybody, it's Sasha, and Ihave a thousand things to tell
you. We missed therapy for thelast three weeks. Two weeks
because I don't even remember,and then last week because of
the blizzard. So it's been threeweeks since we went to therapy,
and it is not cool. I'm alsoconcerned about how much therapy
(01:16):
we're gonna miss this monthanyway.
We can't go next week becausethe husband's out of town, and
our therapist is four hoursaway. Right? And so we have to
leave, like, early in themorning, go to therapy, and then
get back late in the evening.But we can't do that when he's
out of town because the childrenhave to get off to school, and
(01:37):
someone has to be there whenthey get off the bus because,
you know, we're legit parentsand all, apparently. So except
for the week after that, then wewon't have any sessions at the
end of the month because of theholidays.
So it's really not cool to missthis much therapy. We have to be
there tomorrow. And ourtherapist is four hours away, so
(02:01):
it's a rural drive down an oldhighway for four hours to get to
our therapist. The problem waswe noticed on the weather app
that it's supposed to snow againtomorrow. It's making me crazy.
Why did we move here? There's somuch snow. Our plan was to drive
down today so that we could beatthe snow, spend the night in
(02:23):
town, and then go to therapy inthe morning and get back in the
afternoon before the worst of itwas or spend another night if it
wasn't safe to drive home. Butwhen it was Saturday night, so,
like, last night, right, Ithink, ugh, I hate time. Why is
time so confusing?
I can't even figure it out. Ithink it was last night. Last
(02:45):
night, Saturday night? Itdoesn't matter. Point is, we
found out the snow was startingearly, and we had to get out of
there fast if we were gonna keepour appointment.
I threw things in our bag,grabbed like the bear we have to
bring and all the crayons andmarkers and those bags with
paints and everything else andour notebooks that we write in.
(03:06):
I threw clothes in a suitcase,pajamas, and grabbed our
toothbrush, whatever we need.Right? Threw it in a suitcase,
grabbed a coat, which I hatecoats and don't actually wear
them. But I grabbed the coat,and we loaded up the car, threw
in some food.
The husband and the kids pickedout some food, so it was kind of
hilarious what ended up in thecar. And I started driving. So
(03:29):
our plan was to get in town alittle after 11:00 last night,
which was too late to bedriving, except we didn't know
until, like, 08:00 that the snowwas coming early. So we couldn't
we packed up as quickly as wecould and got out of there.
Right?
But even then, by the time wegot on the road, the snow had
already started, and the roadswere slick. But not so bad I
(03:51):
couldn't drive. I just had toslow down and be careful. So I
was going slower than I usuallydo. Okay.
A lot slower than I usuallydrive, but we're not gonna talk
about that on the podcast.Right? So I was driving slower
than I usually drive, but it wasalso super dark. This was a
little bit disorienting. I wannatalk about this a little bit
(04:12):
because I think it's part ofbeing DID or having DID,
whatever is the word.
I don't know the word for it,but sometimes it's, like, really
easy to be disoriented, like,where I am in the world or,
like, what's happening around meor I don't even know how to
explain it. But here's thething. Here's how I can describe
(04:34):
it. This trip that we drive toget to our therapist every
Monday, usually, we drive earlyin the morning because we leave
before dark between five and sixusually. So by the time we get
to the place where we stop andrest at the halfway mark,
sometimes we take a nap,sometimes we have to hit the
playground, but always we stopand rest halfway.
(04:56):
And usually by the time we getthere, the sun is starting to
come up. But this trip, becauseI left at eight in the evening,
it just was getting darker anddarker and darker, and
especially because it wasnighttime. I mean, obviously,
because it was nighttime. See,it was so disorienting. I can't
even make sense trying to tellyou about it.
It was disorienting. Is thateven a word? Did I make that up?
(05:20):
I that's the word. I thinkthat's the right word.
I don't know. Anyway, it wasvery disorienting or I was
disoriented because I keptexpecting the sun to come up,
but I I knew I knew that it wasI knew I knew I knew that it was
(05:42):
nighttime, so, of course, thesun is not coming up. But, also,
it was weird that it wasn't. Iknow that sounds crazy. It may
it doesn't make sense, but itwas really trippy to me the
whole time that it was onlystaying dark and not getting
lighter while we were driving tothe therapist, even though I was
fully aware it was nighttime.
(06:03):
So that seems a little crazy.Because of that, I was already
in kind of a weird place, but Iwas doing okay. The further we
drove, like, the more the morethat we drove, the more that we
got out of the storm. So, like,first, the snow stopped, but it
was still kind of sleeting. Butthen the sleet stopped, but it
(06:25):
was still kind of raining.
And I could see on the dashboardof the car that the temperature
was going up. So we were gettingout of the front or out of the
storm or whatever, and it wasgetting better. That's the
point. It was getting easier todrive. And then finally, the
road started clean clearing up.
So I'm really glad we left whenwe did. But after an but after
(06:50):
about an hour of being on theroad or no. I don't know why I'm
having trouble communicatingtoday. It's like I'm not fully
present or something. Afterabout an hour after getting out
of the storm, like, not justsince we had driving, but since
(07:11):
the storm had settled.
We are driving along, driving,driving, driving. It's very
dark, and all of a sudden, therewas a massive deer in the
headlights, like, right in frontof my car. You guys, it scared
me so bad. It was massive. Itwas so huge.
Like, it was bigger than my car.I don't even know how to tell
(07:31):
you. And it had all those hornsor whatever on it. Scared the
out of me. Oh my goodness.
I can't even tell you. Andbecause I was coming up on it in
the night with my headlights, itlooked like it was just pure
white. It was I can't even tellyou how bad it scared me. And I
don't know how I didn't hit it.I would have killed it.
(07:53):
It would have killed me. Like,it would have been a mutual
Romeo and Juliet. It was bad. Itwas so I'm still worked up about
it. And this was last night, andnow it's, like, almost been
twenty four hours.
That's false because it's stilldaylight. But you know what I
mean. Like, it's the next day,and I'm still so shaken up. I
somehow managed to avoid it.Like, I swerved to the left.
(08:16):
Like, I know it wasn't doinganything wrong. It was walking
where it wanted to walk. We arethe ones who paved our roads
through its pathways. Like, it'sour fault for being not mine
personally, but also, you know,like humanity, paving our way
through the forest. So and Iknow that, like, to walk I mean,
(08:40):
I know to I know to watch fordeer where we live.
Like, there's a lot of deer, andI know to watch them early in
the mornings, but I never seenone at night like that. And it
so I was not expecting it, andit scared me to death. I did
manage to avoid it. Like, Idon't know where the race car
(09:01):
driving skills came from or whohas that ability, but I swerved
to the left really quick, like,flung my car into the other lane
and somehow got around it, butdo not know how I avoided
hitting it. And then I had toswerve back to the right and get
my lane really fast because abig old semi truck was coming my
(09:21):
way, and it was like, oh, youguys, it scared me so bad.
I can't even tell you. And I'mokay. I'm fine. My car is fine.
The deer is fine.
I do not know how we did not hitthat deer. Like, it was massive
and right in front of us. Notlike down the road, and I need
(09:43):
to pull over or honk or flash mylights or get around it or
something. I mean, like, wasright there. Like, right there.
Right there. I can't even Ican't even tell you. It was so
scary. So I managed to getaround the deer. My adrenaline
was pumping.
I could not call my husbandbecause I would just make him
worry. Well, I mean, I probablyshould have, but I haven't even
(10:06):
told him about this yet, but Ihaven't seen him either. So I
just ugh. It was just it wasjust crazy. And so I kept
driving because I didn't feelsafe to stop there, but tears
were just pouring down my face.
And it was a while before Icould get to that halfway place
(10:29):
where I could pull over to stop.And when I finally did and
turned off the car, I was justsobbing, like bawling like a
baby. Like, you guys, you haveno idea. Ugh. And then all the
rest of the drive home, likethat deer just kept appearing
right in front of my eyes.
And that's what I'm talkingabout. That's why I wanna tell
you this story because it's likea neutral example without being
(10:52):
creepy about or by talk. Talk.Talk. Talk.
Focus. Focus. That's what Iwanna tell you because it's like
a neutral example without beingall creepy from or trigger y or
whatever from my own, like, pastor, like, their abuse stories
(11:13):
that they have or whatever.Like, I can tell you what those
flashes are like because it wasjust a deer. And that's exactly
what it's like all the time witheverything else.
And so trying to draw get backon the road and drive home, like
I kept seeing this deer and keptseeing this deer and kept seeing
this deer. And then all night, Idreamed about the deer. And then
(11:33):
this morning, there's the deer.There's the deer. There's it,
like, playing in front of myeyes even though oh my goodness.
I just started almost a ballright now, like, cry. I'm fine.
That's the thing. Like, I'mfine. I didn't hit the deer.
I didn't hurt the deer. The deerdid not hurt me. Like, the deer
is fine. I am fine. It was justsuch a close call.
(11:56):
And you know what? Here's thething. Like, that's exactly what
therapy feels like. It's likeyou're driving in the dark, and
then it feels terrifying becauseyou see all this crap that comes
up. And it's just nasty, andit's terrifying, and it's awful,
and you think you're gonna die,except you don't because
(12:17):
everything is okay now.
It doesn't mean everything wasokay. It doesn't mean it's okay
what happened to you. But rightnow in the present is okay. Now
time is safe. Oh my goodness.
It was such an example for meand, like, such an analogy of
what therapy is because I wasokay. The dear I I was okay. I
(12:40):
was safe. Everything's okay, butit was so scary to have that
experience. And so, like, thatfeels like what therapy is for
me.
It's like going to therapy whereI'm driving in the dark. I feel
disoriented. Things don't feelright, but I think I know where
I'm going. Although sometimes Idon't even know where I'm going.
Like, I know this road because Ihave to drive it every week.
(13:02):
But sometimes it feels like,what if I took the wrong road?
Or where am I on this road? Orhow long have I been on the
road? Or, like, I and it's arural road, so there's not a lot
of markers. Like, there's ahalfway spot, and the rest is
just fields between our houseand the halfway spot.
And then between the halfwayspot and the therapist's office,
(13:25):
it's just, fields. And so, like,there's no way to really measure
well where you're at other thanwatching the clock or looking at
the GPS. But I know the way, soI don't really use a GPS.
Although now that I say that outloud, maybe I should just for
tracking purposes. Maybe thatwould be helpful.
(13:46):
It seems like, why is everythingsuch an easy fix when it feels
so hard? It makes me feel sostupid. Except I'm not stupid,
and I'm not foolish. Like, Ijust know how to get there. But
that makes sense.
Whoever is saying that, thatmakes sense. I could use the GPS
just to track that. Thank you,good doctor, whatever. But,
anyway, the point is it was aterrifying experience, but it
(14:07):
was an example of just real lifewithout it being, like, an ugly
example from the past that Iwanted to share with you because
it really impacted me. And so Icouldn't process that because it
kept popping up in front of myeyes.
So I was not functioning well,still was not shaking off this
morning. But I dreamed aboutthis deer all night because it
(14:28):
had so many horn not horns.Horns is not the right word in
English. What do you say? Blast.
What is that word? Antlers.Antlers. So it had all of these
antlers, like so many points orwhatever. Right?
And so, like, it was justmassive. Like, this was not a
(14:49):
little deer. It was not a girldeer. It was a male deer, and it
was huge, like, as big as mycar. Like, if I didn't know
better, I would think it was anelk or something.
Like, it was so big, and it wasmassive. And because my
headlights were shining on it inthe dark, it was just pure
white. And so I dreamed aboutthis deer all night long. And so
(15:11):
this morning when I woke up, Ithought, if this is an analogy
for therapy, then, like, whatwould, like, Kris tell me?
Because Kris does all this dreamwork or all this Jungian stuff
she knows about.
Right? So I was thinking, like,what does it mean, this deer
that I mean, obviously, it camefrom yesterday because I saw it
(15:33):
while I was driving, and thatwas so scary. I get that. But it
kept playing in my dream, and Ithought, I wonder what it means.
Like, is that a symbol orsomething?
Why would this deer just all ofa sudden be there? Because if it
was there for me just to die,like, okay. Your nine lives are
up on mortality. Your time onearth is done. Like, I would be
(15:54):
dead because there's no reason,no reason at all for me to not
have hit that deer.
Like and it would have crushedme. It was as big as my car. I
know I keep saying that, but whoare you guys? Oh my goodness.
And so, anyway, so I looked itup in this, like, Native
(16:18):
American book, like, and dreamsymbols and all this stuff, and
you will not believe this.
It's kind of amazing. It's kindof amazing. It's all about how
well, hold on. Let me look it upbecause I wanna get I don't
wanna mess it up. I wrote itdown for therapy.
(16:46):
Okay. I appropriate response isto call a meeting as you are
being asked to endure a seasonof communication with others,
(17:09):
increase in connectedness, andto go through the painful
process that is recovery,regeneration, and regrowth. The
white stag is a sign of thegreat spirit and means you have
been alert and aware, preparedfor the task to which you are
called. It is a message of getready. What?
(17:32):
Are you guys serious? Like, areyou serious? That's what this
deer appearing in front of mycar and staying in my dreams all
night. Like, yes, it was just abit of a trauma. I mean, it was
driving trauma.
Right? Like, that counts. It'snot it doesn't minimize any big
scary stuff from the past, but Ican still say that this was
(17:53):
scary to me. If I if it's myanalogy is about therapy, then
what I have to do with this,instead of keep having
flashbacks about a deer, I'vegot to, like, process it and
find meaning in it. Right?
So I looked this up and just asa neutral example, like, just
for the practice of it. Right?Like, I'm not really way, way
(18:15):
out there, creepy weirdo personall the time, but just to
practice finding meaning andjust to practice applying all
these things in such a neutralexample where I have no other
dear trauma. This is my onlydear trauma. And so if I can use
this, like, neutral examplewhere there's not layers and
(18:35):
layers and layers of lots ofother things in my way and lots
of other people that aretriggered inside or lots of
other issues that are triggeredlike dominoes trying to deal
with it, then it's a very good,like, practice experience to
figure out what this deer means.
And when I read that, when Ilooked it up just to try finding
(18:57):
meaning or or exploring that andtrying to put it into context or
rephrase it or whatever are theright words, like, it was so
powerful to me, you guys. It wasamazing. So it's like instead of
this being a trauma that was soshaking me up, now it's become
(19:20):
this thing about it's areminder, a symbol, or a sign of
being connected to others. So,like, I almost can't even stay
present in my body right nowbecause my mind is so blown.
(19:41):
Like, is it because I'm reachingout to you guys and you guys
have connected with me, and I'mfinally participating in the
groups after, like, lurking forages?
Or is it because we're startingto talk a little bit inside? Is
it because of the notebooks, andwe're starting to actually read
the notebooks? So we're gettingto know each other a little bit
(20:03):
inside. Or is it because I'mgoing to therapy? Is it because
I'm actually trying to commitand participate in my family?
Like, there's all these layersof connectedness just like it
said. And then the same thingfor communication. Like, we're
writing in the notebooks. We'relistening to each other. We're
trying to respect each other'sboundaries.
We're trying to, like, get toknow what everybody needs and
(20:27):
who people are and who does whatand all these things, and we're
communicating with thetherapist. We're even
communicating with the husband.Like, this is insane. This whole
deer thing. It has just blown mymind.
So the one who paints, whodoesn't I don't have permission
to say her name, so I'm notsaying her name. But we have one
(20:47):
who paints, and that'sbasically, like, the only way
she expresses herself is throughpainting and drawing. And so
maybe she can draw us a deer.And if we can if we can get a
good picture of a deer thatwe're comfortable sharing, maybe
we'll put it up on the blog andyou can see. But I had to tell
(21:10):
you the story what happenedbecause it was like a scary
thing that happened except I wasokay.
Now time is safe. But also,instead of just getting stuck
and all worked up and drowningin it because in the like, a
week ago or two weeks ago, okay,maybe six months ago, it would
have just meant I no longerdrive my car ever. That's what
(21:33):
it would have meant six monthsago. So it takes it means I
mean, it's what's the word? Letme finish.
We're so close. It counts asprogress. That's what it is. It
counts as progress of, like,being able to deal with
something that was hard. Like,maybe it's just a stupid little
(21:55):
example, but for me, it was abig deal.
And I totally am claiming thisas progress as a good example of
being able to deal withsomething that was hard, being
able to tolerate the feelingsthat came with it, and being
able to find meaning in what Ilearned from it and reshaping it
into something else. And so I'msuper excited and, like, really
(22:18):
proud of myself. I'm saying thatnow because I just have therapy
tomorrow. I don't know if itwill still be true when I have
to drive myself home and go downthat same road. But that's kind
of part of therapy too.
Right? Like, how am I gonna dealwith that? What is the trigger?
So we'll talk about that intherapy tomorrow, I'm sure.
Whatever.
(22:38):
But it was a big deal for me,and I had to share this and,
like, say it out loud and putall the pieces there. And, also,
we are parked at a park rightnow. And so I'm in my car
talking, and there's aplayground. And I'm totally
having trouble being present andstaying focused and being able
to talk. So I think my turn ispretty much up.
(22:59):
So that's what I wanted to sharetoday, and I will check-in on
the other side after theplayground and see how like,
what do you think? And can youthink of a neutral example, or
can you notice, or what can youdo to notice new neutral
examples of trauma, even if it'snot big, big stuff, but
(23:21):
something that's hard orsomething that's new or
something that's different thatyou can face and deal with and
totally get practice at thoseskills when it's not such a
hard, scary deal because of thestuff from the past. Does that
make sense? It was huge for metoday. It feels like a bit of a
breakthrough, and I just wantedto share it.
So thanks, you guys. Bye. Thankyou for listening. Your support
(23:52):
really helps us feel less alonewhile we sort through all of
this and learn together.
Over
about Dissociative IdentityDisorder. If you are new to the
podcast, we recommend startingat the beginning episodes and
listen in order to hear ourstory and what we have learned
through this endeavor. Currentepisodes may be more applicable
to long time listeners and arelikely to contain more advanced
(00:32):
topics, emotional or othertriggering content, and or
reference earlier episodes thatprovide more context to what we
are currently learning andexperiencing. As always, please
care for yourself during andafter listening to the podcast.
Thank you.
(00:56):
Hi everybody, it's Sasha, and Ihave a thousand things to tell
you. We missed therapy for thelast three weeks. Two weeks
because I don't even remember,and then last week because of
the blizzard. So it's been threeweeks since we went to therapy,
and it is not cool. I'm alsoconcerned about how much therapy
(01:16):
we're gonna miss this monthanyway.
We can't go next week becausethe husband's out of town, and
our therapist is four hoursaway. Right? And so we have to
leave, like, early in themorning, go to therapy, and then
get back late in the evening.But we can't do that when he's
out of town because the childrenhave to get off to school, and
(01:37):
someone has to be there whenthey get off the bus because,
you know, we're legit parentsand all, apparently. So except
for the week after that, then wewon't have any sessions at the
end of the month because of theholidays.
So it's really not cool to missthis much therapy. We have to be
there tomorrow. And ourtherapist is four hours away, so
(02:01):
it's a rural drive down an oldhighway for four hours to get to
our therapist. The problem waswe noticed on the weather app
that it's supposed to snow againtomorrow. It's making me crazy.
Why did we move here? There's somuch snow. Our plan was to drive
down today so that we could beatthe snow, spend the night in
(02:23):
town, and then go to therapy inthe morning and get back in the
afternoon before the worst of itwas or spend another night if it
wasn't safe to drive home. Butwhen it was Saturday night, so,
like, last night, right, Ithink, ugh, I hate time. Why is
time so confusing?
I can't even figure it out. Ithink it was last night. Last
(02:45):
night, Saturday night? Itdoesn't matter. Point is, we
found out the snow was startingearly, and we had to get out of
there fast if we were gonna keepour appointment.
I threw things in our bag,grabbed like the bear we have to
bring and all the crayons andmarkers and those bags with
paints and everything else andour notebooks that we write in.
(03:06):
I threw clothes in a suitcase,pajamas, and grabbed our
toothbrush, whatever we need.Right? Threw it in a suitcase,
grabbed a coat, which I hatecoats and don't actually wear
them. But I grabbed the coat,and we loaded up the car, threw
in some food.
The husband and the kids pickedout some food, so it was kind of
hilarious what ended up in thecar. And I started driving. So
(03:29):
our plan was to get in town alittle after 11:00 last night,
which was too late to bedriving, except we didn't know
until, like, 08:00 that the snowwas coming early. So we couldn't
we packed up as quickly as wecould and got out of there.
Right?
But even then, by the time wegot on the road, the snow had
already started, and the roadswere slick. But not so bad I
(03:51):
couldn't drive. I just had toslow down and be careful. So I
was going slower than I usuallydo. Okay.
A lot slower than I usuallydrive, but we're not gonna talk
about that on the podcast.Right? So I was driving slower
than I usually drive, but it wasalso super dark. This was a
little bit disorienting. I wannatalk about this a little bit
(04:12):
because I think it's part ofbeing DID or having DID,
whatever is the word.
I don't know the word for it,but sometimes it's, like, really
easy to be disoriented, like,where I am in the world or,
like, what's happening around meor I don't even know how to
explain it. But here's thething. Here's how I can describe
(04:34):
it. This trip that we drive toget to our therapist every
Monday, usually, we drive earlyin the morning because we leave
before dark between five and sixusually. So by the time we get
to the place where we stop andrest at the halfway mark,
sometimes we take a nap,sometimes we have to hit the
playground, but always we stopand rest halfway.
(04:56):
And usually by the time we getthere, the sun is starting to
come up. But this trip, becauseI left at eight in the evening,
it just was getting darker anddarker and darker, and
especially because it wasnighttime. I mean, obviously,
because it was nighttime. See,it was so disorienting. I can't
even make sense trying to tellyou about it.
It was disorienting. Is thateven a word? Did I make that up?
(05:20):
I that's the word. I thinkthat's the right word.
I don't know. Anyway, it wasvery disorienting or I was
disoriented because I keptexpecting the sun to come up,
but I I knew I knew that it wasI knew I knew I knew that it was
(05:42):
nighttime, so, of course, thesun is not coming up. But, also,
it was weird that it wasn't. Iknow that sounds crazy. It may
it doesn't make sense, but itwas really trippy to me the
whole time that it was onlystaying dark and not getting
lighter while we were driving tothe therapist, even though I was
fully aware it was nighttime.
(06:03):
So that seems a little crazy.Because of that, I was already
in kind of a weird place, but Iwas doing okay. The further we
drove, like, the more the morethat we drove, the more that we
got out of the storm. So, like,first, the snow stopped, but it
was still kind of sleeting. Butthen the sleet stopped, but it
(06:25):
was still kind of raining.
And I could see on the dashboardof the car that the temperature
was going up. So we were gettingout of the front or out of the
storm or whatever, and it wasgetting better. That's the
point. It was getting easier todrive. And then finally, the
road started clean clearing up.
So I'm really glad we left whenwe did. But after an but after
(06:50):
about an hour of being on theroad or no. I don't know why I'm
having trouble communicatingtoday. It's like I'm not fully
present or something. Afterabout an hour after getting out
of the storm, like, not justsince we had driving, but since
(07:11):
the storm had settled.
We are driving along, driving,driving, driving. It's very
dark, and all of a sudden, therewas a massive deer in the
headlights, like, right in frontof my car. You guys, it scared
me so bad. It was massive. Itwas so huge.
Like, it was bigger than my car.I don't even know how to tell
(07:31):
you. And it had all those hornsor whatever on it. Scared the
out of me. Oh my goodness.
I can't even tell you. Andbecause I was coming up on it in
the night with my headlights, itlooked like it was just pure
white. It was I can't even tellyou how bad it scared me. And I
don't know how I didn't hit it.I would have killed it.
(07:53):
It would have killed me. Like,it would have been a mutual
Romeo and Juliet. It was bad. Itwas so I'm still worked up about
it. And this was last night, andnow it's, like, almost been
twenty four hours.
That's false because it's stilldaylight. But you know what I
mean. Like, it's the next day,and I'm still so shaken up. I
somehow managed to avoid it.Like, I swerved to the left.
(08:16):
Like, I know it wasn't doinganything wrong. It was walking
where it wanted to walk. We arethe ones who paved our roads
through its pathways. Like, it'sour fault for being not mine
personally, but also, you know,like humanity, paving our way
through the forest. So and Iknow that, like, to walk I mean,
(08:40):
I know to I know to watch fordeer where we live.
Like, there's a lot of deer, andI know to watch them early in
the mornings, but I never seenone at night like that. And it
so I was not expecting it, andit scared me to death. I did
manage to avoid it. Like, Idon't know where the race car
(09:01):
driving skills came from or whohas that ability, but I swerved
to the left really quick, like,flung my car into the other lane
and somehow got around it, butdo not know how I avoided
hitting it. And then I had toswerve back to the right and get
my lane really fast because abig old semi truck was coming my
(09:21):
way, and it was like, oh, youguys, it scared me so bad.
I can't even tell you. And I'mokay. I'm fine. My car is fine.
The deer is fine.
I do not know how we did not hitthat deer. Like, it was massive
and right in front of us. Notlike down the road, and I need
(09:43):
to pull over or honk or flash mylights or get around it or
something. I mean, like, wasright there. Like, right there.
Right there. I can't even Ican't even tell you. It was so
scary. So I managed to getaround the deer. My adrenaline
was pumping.
I could not call my husbandbecause I would just make him
worry. Well, I mean, I probablyshould have, but I haven't even
(10:06):
told him about this yet, but Ihaven't seen him either. So I
just ugh. It was just it wasjust crazy. And so I kept
driving because I didn't feelsafe to stop there, but tears
were just pouring down my face.
And it was a while before Icould get to that halfway place
(10:29):
where I could pull over to stop.And when I finally did and
turned off the car, I was justsobbing, like bawling like a
baby. Like, you guys, you haveno idea. Ugh. And then all the
rest of the drive home, likethat deer just kept appearing
right in front of my eyes.
And that's what I'm talkingabout. That's why I wanna tell
you this story because it's likea neutral example without being
(10:52):
creepy about or by talk. Talk.Talk. Talk.
Focus. Focus. That's what Iwanna tell you because it's like
a neutral example without beingall creepy from or trigger y or
whatever from my own, like, pastor, like, their abuse stories
(11:13):
that they have or whatever.Like, I can tell you what those
flashes are like because it wasjust a deer. And that's exactly
what it's like all the time witheverything else.
And so trying to draw get backon the road and drive home, like
I kept seeing this deer and keptseeing this deer and kept seeing
this deer. And then all night, Idreamed about the deer. And then
(11:33):
this morning, there's the deer.There's the deer. There's it,
like, playing in front of myeyes even though oh my goodness.
I just started almost a ballright now, like, cry. I'm fine.
That's the thing. Like, I'mfine. I didn't hit the deer.
I didn't hurt the deer. The deerdid not hurt me. Like, the deer
is fine. I am fine. It was justsuch a close call.
(11:56):
And you know what? Here's thething. Like, that's exactly what
therapy feels like. It's likeyou're driving in the dark, and
then it feels terrifying becauseyou see all this crap that comes
up. And it's just nasty, andit's terrifying, and it's awful,
and you think you're gonna die,except you don't because
(12:17):
everything is okay now.
It doesn't mean everything wasokay. It doesn't mean it's okay
what happened to you. But rightnow in the present is okay. Now
time is safe. Oh my goodness.
It was such an example for meand, like, such an analogy of
what therapy is because I wasokay. The dear I I was okay. I
(12:40):
was safe. Everything's okay, butit was so scary to have that
experience. And so, like, thatfeels like what therapy is for
me.
It's like going to therapy whereI'm driving in the dark. I feel
disoriented. Things don't feelright, but I think I know where
I'm going. Although sometimes Idon't even know where I'm going.
Like, I know this road because Ihave to drive it every week.
(13:02):
But sometimes it feels like,what if I took the wrong road?
Or where am I on this road? Orhow long have I been on the
road? Or, like, I and it's arural road, so there's not a lot
of markers. Like, there's ahalfway spot, and the rest is
just fields between our houseand the halfway spot.
And then between the halfwayspot and the therapist's office,
(13:25):
it's just, fields. And so, like,there's no way to really measure
well where you're at other thanwatching the clock or looking at
the GPS. But I know the way, soI don't really use a GPS.
Although now that I say that outloud, maybe I should just for
tracking purposes. Maybe thatwould be helpful.
(13:46):
It seems like, why is everythingsuch an easy fix when it feels
so hard? It makes me feel sostupid. Except I'm not stupid,
and I'm not foolish. Like, Ijust know how to get there. But
that makes sense.
Whoever is saying that, thatmakes sense. I could use the GPS
just to track that. Thank you,good doctor, whatever. But,
anyway, the point is it was aterrifying experience, but it
(14:07):
was an example of just real lifewithout it being, like, an ugly
example from the past that Iwanted to share with you because
it really impacted me. And so Icouldn't process that because it
kept popping up in front of myeyes.
So I was not functioning well,still was not shaking off this
morning. But I dreamed aboutthis deer all night because it
(14:28):
had so many horn not horns.Horns is not the right word in
English. What do you say? Blast.
What is that word? Antlers.Antlers. So it had all of these
antlers, like so many points orwhatever. Right?
And so, like, it was justmassive. Like, this was not a
(14:49):
little deer. It was not a girldeer. It was a male deer, and it
was huge, like, as big as mycar. Like, if I didn't know
better, I would think it was anelk or something.
Like, it was so big, and it wasmassive. And because my
headlights were shining on it inthe dark, it was just pure
white. And so I dreamed aboutthis deer all night long. And so
(15:11):
this morning when I woke up, Ithought, if this is an analogy
for therapy, then, like, whatwould, like, Kris tell me?
Because Kris does all this dreamwork or all this Jungian stuff
she knows about.
Right? So I was thinking, like,what does it mean, this deer
that I mean, obviously, it camefrom yesterday because I saw it
(15:33):
while I was driving, and thatwas so scary. I get that. But it
kept playing in my dream, and Ithought, I wonder what it means.
Like, is that a symbol orsomething?
Why would this deer just all ofa sudden be there? Because if it
was there for me just to die,like, okay. Your nine lives are
up on mortality. Your time onearth is done. Like, I would be
(15:54):
dead because there's no reason,no reason at all for me to not
have hit that deer.
Like and it would have crushedme. It was as big as my car. I
know I keep saying that, but whoare you guys? Oh my goodness.
And so, anyway, so I looked itup in this, like, Native
(16:18):
American book, like, and dreamsymbols and all this stuff, and
you will not believe this.
It's kind of amazing. It's kindof amazing. It's all about how
well, hold on. Let me look it upbecause I wanna get I don't
wanna mess it up. I wrote itdown for therapy.
(16:46):
Okay. I appropriate response isto call a meeting as you are
being asked to endure a seasonof communication with others,
(17:09):
increase in connectedness, andto go through the painful
process that is recovery,regeneration, and regrowth. The
white stag is a sign of thegreat spirit and means you have
been alert and aware, preparedfor the task to which you are
called. It is a message of getready. What?
(17:32):
Are you guys serious? Like, areyou serious? That's what this
deer appearing in front of mycar and staying in my dreams all
night. Like, yes, it was just abit of a trauma. I mean, it was
driving trauma.
Right? Like, that counts. It'snot it doesn't minimize any big
scary stuff from the past, but Ican still say that this was
(17:53):
scary to me. If I if it's myanalogy is about therapy, then
what I have to do with this,instead of keep having
flashbacks about a deer, I'vegot to, like, process it and
find meaning in it. Right?
So I looked this up and just asa neutral example, like, just
for the practice of it. Right?Like, I'm not really way, way
(18:15):
out there, creepy weirdo personall the time, but just to
practice finding meaning andjust to practice applying all
these things in such a neutralexample where I have no other
dear trauma. This is my onlydear trauma. And so if I can use
this, like, neutral examplewhere there's not layers and
(18:35):
layers and layers of lots ofother things in my way and lots
of other people that aretriggered inside or lots of
other issues that are triggeredlike dominoes trying to deal
with it, then it's a very good,like, practice experience to
figure out what this deer means.
And when I read that, when Ilooked it up just to try finding
(18:57):
meaning or or exploring that andtrying to put it into context or
rephrase it or whatever are theright words, like, it was so
powerful to me, you guys. It wasamazing. So it's like instead of
this being a trauma that was soshaking me up, now it's become
(19:20):
this thing about it's areminder, a symbol, or a sign of
being connected to others. So,like, I almost can't even stay
present in my body right nowbecause my mind is so blown.
(19:41):
Like, is it because I'm reachingout to you guys and you guys
have connected with me, and I'mfinally participating in the
groups after, like, lurking forages?
Or is it because we're startingto talk a little bit inside? Is
it because of the notebooks, andwe're starting to actually read
the notebooks? So we're gettingto know each other a little bit
(20:03):
inside. Or is it because I'mgoing to therapy? Is it because
I'm actually trying to commitand participate in my family?
Like, there's all these layersof connectedness just like it
said. And then the same thingfor communication. Like, we're
writing in the notebooks. We'relistening to each other. We're
trying to respect each other'sboundaries.
We're trying to, like, get toknow what everybody needs and
(20:27):
who people are and who does whatand all these things, and we're
communicating with thetherapist. We're even
communicating with the husband.Like, this is insane. This whole
deer thing. It has just blown mymind.
So the one who paints, whodoesn't I don't have permission
to say her name, so I'm notsaying her name. But we have one
(20:47):
who paints, and that'sbasically, like, the only way
she expresses herself is throughpainting and drawing. And so
maybe she can draw us a deer.And if we can if we can get a
good picture of a deer thatwe're comfortable sharing, maybe
we'll put it up on the blog andyou can see. But I had to tell
(21:10):
you the story what happenedbecause it was like a scary
thing that happened except I wasokay.
Now time is safe. But also,instead of just getting stuck
and all worked up and drowningin it because in the like, a
week ago or two weeks ago, okay,maybe six months ago, it would
have just meant I no longerdrive my car ever. That's what
(21:33):
it would have meant six monthsago. So it takes it means I
mean, it's what's the word? Letme finish.
We're so close. It counts asprogress. That's what it is. It
counts as progress of, like,being able to deal with
something that was hard. Like,maybe it's just a stupid little
(21:55):
example, but for me, it was abig deal.
And I totally am claiming thisas progress as a good example of
being able to deal withsomething that was hard, being
able to tolerate the feelingsthat came with it, and being
able to find meaning in what Ilearned from it and reshaping it
into something else. And so I'msuper excited and, like, really
(22:18):
proud of myself. I'm saying thatnow because I just have therapy
tomorrow. I don't know if itwill still be true when I have
to drive myself home and go downthat same road. But that's kind
of part of therapy too.
Right? Like, how am I gonna dealwith that? What is the trigger?
So we'll talk about that intherapy tomorrow, I'm sure.
Whatever.
(22:38):
But it was a big deal for me,and I had to share this and,
like, say it out loud and putall the pieces there. And, also,
we are parked at a park rightnow. And so I'm in my car
talking, and there's aplayground. And I'm totally
having trouble being present andstaying focused and being able
to talk. So I think my turn ispretty much up.
(22:59):
So that's what I wanted to sharetoday, and I will check-in on
the other side after theplayground and see how like,
what do you think? And can youthink of a neutral example, or
can you notice, or what can youdo to notice new neutral
examples of trauma, even if it'snot big, big stuff, but
(23:21):
something that's hard orsomething that's new or
something that's different thatyou can face and deal with and
totally get practice at thoseskills when it's not such a
hard, scary deal because of thestuff from the past. Does that
make sense? It was huge for metoday. It feels like a bit of a
breakthrough, and I just wantedto share it.
So thanks, you guys. Bye. Thankyou for listening. Your support
(23:52):
really helps us feel less alonewhile we sort through all of
this and learn together.
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