February 3, 2014 • 23 mins
Sasha talks about sharing the podcast with Nathan, therapy, and how hard it is to have friends and receive care.
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Content Note: Content on this website and in the podcasts is assumed to be trauma and/or dissociative related due to the nature of what is being shared here in general. Content descriptors are generally given in each episode. Specific trigger warnings are not given due to research reporting this makes triggers worse. Please use appropriate self-care and your own safety plan while exploring this website and during your listening experience. Natural pauses due to dissociation have not been edited out of the podcast, and have been left for authenticity. While some professional material may be referenced for educational purposes, Emma and her system are not your therapist nor offering professional advice. Any informational material shared or referenced is simply part of our own learning process, and not guaranteed to be the latest research or best method for you. Please contact your therapist or nearest emergency room in case of any emergency. This website does not provide any medical, mental health, or social support services.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Over:
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about
Dissociative Identity Disorder.If you are new to the podcast,
we recommend starting at thebeginning episodes and listen in
order to hear our story and whatwe have learned through this
endeavor. Current episodes maybe more applicable to long time
listeners and are likely tocontain more advanced topics,
(00:33):
emotional or other triggeringcontent, and or reference
earlier episodes that providemore context to what we are
currently learning andexperiencing. As always, please
care for yourself during andafter listening to the podcast.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Hi, guys. Welcome. I'm so excited to be talking to
you and doing another podcast.It's gone really well. People
are listening to it and sort ofspreading the news about the
podcast, and I guess it'shelping other people the way we
needed podcasts too and just onemore perspective.
So I'm glad I didn't step on anytoes, and I'm glad that we're
(01:18):
doing an okay job of it. We'llkeep sharing, and I'm super
excited about it. So that'scool. The other big news is,
guess what? Emma has listened tothe podcast, all four of them so
far.
And I don't know what shethought about them or what her
response was, but there is anote in the journal that we can
keep doing them. And I know thatshe did one. I tried to listen
(01:43):
to it, but I couldn't listen toall of hers. I couldn't listen
to the good doctors eitherbecause it's so boring. But I
couldn't Emma is hard for me topay attention to because she's
so mousy and whiny.
But but I really like John's. Ilaughed. It cracked me up until
I almost wet my pants. It was sofunny. So I hope you heard the
(02:06):
other podcasts, and, I'm excitedthat it's a thing and that it's
working and that it's goingwell.
People have asked me about thewebsite. I know it shows the
link to the website, but thewebsite's not actually going up
until next week. It is ready togo. I'm just not publishing it
because the doctor is in chargeof all my money, and I get an
(02:28):
allowance. I don't know howother systems do it, but we each
get an allowance.
And the good doctor that's why Icall her doctor e. Sorry. But
the good doctor, she is incharge of our budget and our
money and finances, both for thefamily and for our system. And I
can do my own website, but Ihave to pay for it out of my
(02:50):
allowance. So I have to waitnext week because I already used
my allowance this week before Iknew I was gonna be doing any
podcast.
So I'll do that next week, butit is ready to go. So that's
exciting. I hope it's okay. Wehave a little blog there and
links to the podcast with thedescriptions because, obviously,
we don't wanna trigger anyone,and want people to know what
(03:14):
they're getting into before theylisten. So it kinda gives away
all the surprises of what's inthere, but it's really important
to me that people know whatthey're gonna listen to so they
can sort of prepare if theywanna listen to that one or if
they wanna skip that one or skippart of it.
However, people need to takecare of themselves is great. We
do have the trigger warnings upon the website and in the
(03:37):
descriptions of the podcast.There are not little I don't
know what they're called. Like,the stars or asterisks or
whatever in the triggerwarnings, we don't have those
because that's actually atrigger for us. I know on a lot
of the groups online that theyuse those for trigger warnings,
and so I get that, and I respectthat, and we follow the rules in
(03:59):
the group.
But it's actually reallytriggering to us, so it's not
gonna be on our website. But thegeneral content warnings and
the, podcast, like the episodedescriptions will be there so
people can discern forthemselves if it's an okay and
safe episode for them to listento. But we're trying to keep it
appropriate and helpful andpositive. So I hope that's cool.
(04:22):
And I am excited that you'relistening to it and that people
are liking it.
So besides just Emma listeningto the other podcast and then
doing her own, the other bignews is that last night, I
played them for the husband.Legit, right guys? Like
seriously, I played them for thehusband. I we were sitting there
(04:45):
and we were kinda finishing adate. We had watched a movie.
I don't even remember what itwas. We don't get to watch a
movie very often because ofchildren. There are so many
children, inside children,outside children. There are
children everywhere. It's like azoo here, right?
So we had a little date andwe're finishing a movie and I
just couldn't hold it insideanymore. And so I just turned to
(05:07):
him and I said, I have asurprise for you. And I think
it's a good thing and not a badthing, but I don't wanna be in
trouble about it. And I wannatell you about it because it's
really kind of taking off. Andso, like, he's really my best
friend.
Like, you guys, you have no ideawhat made me do. I hope you're
that lucky. Like, the one thingwe have done right as an adult
(05:29):
is pick him to marry. Like, he'samazing. You I can't even.
Oh. Oh. I mean, you know,because you guys have been
through stuff. Right? So youknow, like, how bad it can be or
even normal dating, how gross itcan be.
But, like, oh, he's just kind,you guys, and he's respectful to
everybody and their differentpreferences. And he's so
(05:49):
attentive and he does stuff forus. Like, he's just legit, like,
kind. Like, I'm not a badperson. I'm but I'm not a kind
person.
Like, I I don't I don't I'm nota terrible person, and it's not
that I'm not nice, but he has,like, a gift for kindness. And
he is just the softest, kindesthuman being I've ever met in my
(06:13):
life. And I don't know how weended up with him, but it is
maybe the best thing of ourentire life ever, is this guy.
Anyway, we got to sit with himand talk to him. And I just
said, I think that this isbecoming a big thing, and so it
feels weird to have somethingthat I haven't told you about.
(06:33):
But it wasn't that it was secretkeeping. I just wasn't sure it
was gonna work or not or what tosay. And so I told him about it,
and he was so excited. He was soproud of me for trying something
new. And he was so proud of mefor having, like, the courage to
go that far out of my comfortzone because this is super
(06:54):
terrifying.
And he was proud of me for,like, trying to have boundaries.
I know shocking. Right? Buttrying to have boundaries so
that, like, I didn't forceanyone to participate and I
didn't disclose anything thatthat are, like, other people's
stories. I'm just only saying myown stuff and saying what I
wanna say and leaving upeverything else to other people
(07:16):
and being fair like that.
Like, that's teamwork. I youdon't know how many points I
should get for that. Like, Ishould have so many therapy
points right now. You have noidea. Oh my goodness.
So I told him about it and hewas so excited and he was so
proud of me. And so we justcurled up and stayed up like an
extra hour and a half late tolisten. And we listened to all
(07:37):
four of them. I got in troubleduring the doctors because it
was so boring, and I was beingsnarky, and he told me to be
quiet because he was reallyinterested in it. So I sort of
got called out on that, but he'salways, I think I'm the only one
who gets in trouble actually,but he's always like, I love
everybody, and you just need tobe respectful.
(07:59):
So he made me be quiet so thathe could hear the doctors, but
he listened to all of all fourof them that we've done so far.
And he was really pleased andproud of us. And he like cried
and laughed and was all seriousabout it. It was a crazy
experience. Some of those thingswe've never really said out loud
(08:20):
or talked about them sodistinctly as individuals or for
him to hear the perspectivewithout us trying to cover up
what's going wrong.
And so it felt super what's theword, like vulnerable, I guess.
That's crazy. I was vulnerable.Anyway, so we told him about it
(08:41):
and we talked about it and theresponse was really positive
from him and he was reallysupportive and very kind about
it, enthusiastic. And we'retotally gonna keep doing it.
And then next week, when thewebsite comes out, then we'll
post everything there, and itwill also, from there, be
automatically fed to iTunes. Andso everything is connected and
(09:05):
ready to go. I just have to hitthe publish button. So that's
exciting. But those of you whohave tried it out with me and
given me some feedback, I reallyappreciate it because it was a
scary thing to do, and I don'twanna just release it to the
general public before, like,knowing what people are thinking
or if it's helpful or not or ifit's just ridiculous or if it's
(09:26):
okay.
Like, it was really scary, andthere was so much anxiety. But
since getting feedback from someof the friends online in the
survivor groups and sincegetting some feedback from the
husband and knowing that evenEmma did one, I think it's gonna
be a good thing. I maybe shouldtell my therapist about it. I
haven't talked to her about ityet, but because we haven't seen
(09:48):
her, which actually is what Iwanna talk about today. What do
you do when you don't get to goto therapy?
Like, it took us so long. Italked about this in my podcast
last time on the first podcast,episode one. It took us so long
to find a good therapist that Iknow we have the right one, and
(10:09):
I don't know that I could trustanyone else, which maybe is my
own issue and I need to work onthat. But I'm really grateful
that we found her, and she'slegit cool. And I don't really
get away with anything, but Ithink that's good for me.
And she can kinda match my snarkand calls me on everything. So I
hate therapy, but I love her.Like, I adore her. And so don't
(10:35):
tell her I said that. But Ireally don't know, like, what to
like, it's a hard process.
I don't mean she's hard. She'samazing. And I love when we're
there. And, like, since we go onMondays, then on Sundays, we
start getting, like, excited tobe there and knowing it's coming
(10:56):
and there's such relief. Butthen after we leave, it's so
distressing because we have toleave and it begins, like, this
time of having to work on thingswithout her or process
everything that just happened ordeal with that space of being
away from her or being on ourown.
(11:17):
And it's so much harder andscarier, But I don't wanna be,
like, a creeper. Like, it's notthat I don't know how to explain
it. I hope you guys understandbecause maybe you're in therapy
too, but it's just hard. Well,because, like, we stir things up
in therapy. Right?
(11:38):
So then after therapy is hard.Like, some things are good.
Like, we always sleep reallygood on Monday nights, like,
better than any other night ofthe week because we've had
therapy and it was soexhausting. And we did so much
work internally that, like, wealways sleep really well on
Monday nights. But then when wewake up on Tuesday mornings,
there's so much to, like, pukeout into the journals, and
(12:03):
there's so much to process andadapt to and try to get back
into real life, like, thechildren and the husband and
everything that's expected ofus.
And so the transition is hard.But by Wednesday, we kind of
have that down, except theneverything is like dominoes.
(12:24):
Like, everything that we processfrom therapy, we kinda have down
in the notebooks, but then thatstirs up, like, the next layer
of nasty and ugh. And so then wehave to wrestle it. And then by
Thursday, then we're wrestlingwith it without the therapist
because it's not our appointmentyet.
(12:45):
And then by Friday, like, we'reabout to drown in it. And then
Saturday, we might as well quit.It's the end of the world.
Whatever. It's so dramatic.
Right? And then by Sunday, wefeel better because we know
therapy is next Monday. Right?So that's what it feels like for
me. But then at the same time,like, real life happens.
(13:08):
And so, like, she had because ofnot calendar, schedules. Because
of schedules, like, she had aweek that she had to miss, which
is fine. And we had a week thatwe had to miss, not because we
were avoiding therapy, justsomething. I don't know, kids or
something. And so we missed twoweeks with her.
(13:28):
And so we were supposed to gothis week, except they had a
blizzard. It was a freakingblizzard, you guys. What why
have we moved here where theyhave such a thing as blizzard?
Because it was cold. Like, youit was snowing sideways.
How is that even possible? Like,how is that a thing? It can't
snow sideways. Like, what? Itwas crazy.
(13:51):
And so because of the blizzard,we cannot get to therapy, which
was the third week in a row thatwe missed session. And so I
don't know how we've handledthat. Like, how we kept
functioning. I mean, it's goodfor us to see that we can, but,
like, it's really hard until,like, anxiety's through the roof
(14:12):
and everything is just harderthan it needs to be. And I guess
it's in some ways, like, Emmawrote about how it helps her
realize how much she needstherapy because we were feeling
so much better, and now we'restarting to feel worse again
because we've missed it so manytimes.
And now it's supposed to snowagain next week or, like, on the
(14:32):
weekend. And so if we don'twatch carefully the timing and I
don't think that, like, rightnow, we have the funds to be
able to just go early and get ahotel and then wait until
Monday. Like, I don't mindrunning away. That'd be cool.
And we can do it functionallike, like, of just
disappearing, take a day earlyand a hotel and rest and recover
(14:56):
and do some intense therapy workin the notebooks and then go to
therapy and then come homelegit.
So, like, that's a compromise wedo sometimes when that pressure
to run away is really big. We dothat. We have a runner. I don't
know if you know that. That'skind of off topic.
But we have a runner who, like,will fugus out. You know, like,
we move and wake up and, like,we're in a completely different
(15:19):
state or a different life orwhatever. We land in airports a
lot or wake up in othercountries. Like, it's been a
problem. But this is but we'redoing better with that.
And so we can do it kind offunctionally for therapy, but
(15:40):
it's not the weak. We've had,like, two kids in the hospital
is what's happened. That's whyour allowances are off because
we had two kids in the hospital.And so, it's not a week where we
can just go early for the hotel.So I'm rambling, but the whole
point is I can't miss therapyanother week or I'm going to be
crazy.
I'm already crazy. I started apodcast. That's pretty crazy.
(16:03):
That's how desperate I am.Right?
And so we're trying, honestly,like everything we can do to
hold it together, we're trying,but I don't know how to miss
another week. I just can't. Andso I'm really anxious about that
even though, like, I don't wannago to therapy. I don't wanna
talk to her. She's way smarterand cleverer than me.
(16:23):
Like, you can't get away withnothing with her. So it's not
like I wanna be the one out. Idon't wanna do a session. I just
want no way to feel better aftera session. Someone else can do
the work.
I don't wanna do the work, but Idon't wanna miss. And then
because of the holidays, theweek after this next session,
(16:46):
she's gonna be gone. And then wehave a session, and then we're
miss two more because of theholidays. And so I can't even I
can't even handle it right now.And the anxiety just about
getting to therapy is insaneright now.
Like, I mean, off the charts. Idon't even know how to cope with
(17:06):
that. So what I do is I I do thethings that I know I can do.
Like, we keep the NTIS on ourhand. We have a bear that she
gave us that the littles hold.
We work on grounding skills.Like, I have some essential oils
(17:27):
and some candles, and hotchocolate is a good thing for
us. We can't have coffee, so wecan have hot chocolate. And she
we have a painter. Somebody canpaint.
Like, there's different covingskills. We know the drill, and
we can do those things. But thatit's still just hard, and the
(17:48):
pressure still builds up fasterthan we can get rid of it almost
or release it, I guess. But it'sanother reason I'm so grateful
for some of the groups or someof the friends that we've made
online, not like in a creepyway, but in a really actual
supportive, good people outthere who are connecting with
(18:10):
others who understand. Like, itreally makes all the difference,
I think, and that is helpful.
Also, if it's really bad, we cantext the therapist or email her.
We have her text number and heremail address, and we have
permission to use them, but wetry really hard not to. I don't
(18:30):
really care so much, but thedoctor is like, no. Don't it's
her time. Don't mess with it.
And then someone else that's alittle is like, don't because
then we're in trouble and we'rebad, da da da da da, which isn't
true at all, but that's like theconflict in there. So we don't
actually do it very much becauseI guess we don't wanna want to
abuse it, but aren't also Imean, we don't wanna abuse that
(18:54):
privilege. That's true. But,also, I don't think we really
believe in that privilege yet.Does that make sense?
Like, I don't know. Like, shetexted us on Thanksgiving and
said, happy Thanksgiving. I'm sograteful for you. That's what
(19:15):
she said on Thanksgiving.Giving.
And I was like, what do youwant? What are you trying to do?
What are you trying to get at?When the husband, he was like
and our husband was like, she'sjust grateful for you. She's
just wishing you a happyholiday.
I'm like, why? What does shewant? What is she trying to do?
(19:36):
What is she getting at? He'slike, no.
She's just grateful. Like, it'sa hard thing. How do you process
that? Or sometimes online, whenyou meet new people who are,
like, safe, appropriate people,like, they are demonstrating
good boundaries. They aredemonstrating things that show
you they're safe.
I'm not talking about creepers.I'm not talking about weirdos.
(19:58):
I'm not talking about, like,dangerous people online. I mean,
like, in the groups, they'vealready been vetted and also you
see how they interact with otherpeople before you connect with
them yourself. You know?
I don't know. At least we do. Wewatch for a long time. And so
(20:22):
when people are nice to us,like, it's really hard to deal
with that, which is ridiculousbecause that's how things are
supposed to be. I know how todeal with people when they're
mean to me.
I know how to deal with peoplewhen they hurt me. I know how to
deal with people who abuse us orneglect us or whatever. I don't
(20:43):
know how to deal with peoplebeing nice and safe. It's so
weird. The niceness and safenessis weird, but also that I can't
deal with it is weird.
Like, it makes me freeze up andturns into, like, social anxiety
or something, except it'sdifferent than social anxiety.
It's not really that, but Idon't know how else to explain
it to people. And so, like, theharder they try, the more I
(21:07):
hide. And that makes it reallyhard to be a good friend even
when you want to or you wannatry. You know?
So I appreciate when people arereally patient and understanding
of that, just my own boundariestoo. Even respond to people.
(21:29):
Like, instant messaging isreally hard. Like, that's very
overwhelming very fast. Like, itjust sucks up all my spoons.
You guys know about the spoontheory. Right? Like, that you
only have so many a day, andwhen you have to do hard things,
it uses them up. Like, instantmessaging sucks up all my
spoons. It, like, pretty muchputs them down the garbage
(21:50):
disposal, And then there's notonly no spoons, but the old
spoons you already used are allscratched up.
That's what it's like. I don'tknow. So it makes it hard to
have friends because I am aterrible friend myself. And I
know to be to have friends, youneed to be a friend, like,
(22:10):
whatever, but it's really hardto do and really hard to
understand why people would bekind or what they want from
being kind or what they'retrying to do or get at. I don't
know.
It's a scary thing. Not that I'mscared because, like, I'm tough.
I'm cool. But friendship ishard. I don't know why stuff
(22:34):
from the makes friendship hardnow.
I think it's one reason thatwe're safe with the husband
because he just kinda chill. Hejust kinda hangs out and does
his own thing and isn't offendedby us doing our own thing,
whatever that may be at anygiven moment. And right now,
(22:54):
it's a podcast. So thanks forlistening, and we'll keep going.
Okay?
Thanks. See you next episode.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Thank you for listening. Your support really
helps us feel less alone whilewe sort through all of this and
learn together.
Over:
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about
Dissociative Identity Disorder.If you are new to the podcast,
we recommend starting at thebeginning episodes and listen in
order to hear our story and whatwe have learned through this
endeavor. Current episodes maybe more applicable to long time
listeners and are likely tocontain more advanced topics,
(00:33):
emotional or other triggeringcontent, and or reference
earlier episodes that providemore context to what we are
currently learning andexperiencing. As always, please
care for yourself during andafter listening to the podcast.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Hi, guys. Welcome. I'm so excited to be talking to
you and doing another podcast.It's gone really well. People
are listening to it and sort ofspreading the news about the
podcast, and I guess it'shelping other people the way we
needed podcasts too and just onemore perspective.
So I'm glad I didn't step on anytoes, and I'm glad that we're
(01:18):
doing an okay job of it. We'llkeep sharing, and I'm super
excited about it. So that'scool. The other big news is,
guess what? Emma has listened tothe podcast, all four of them so
far.
And I don't know what shethought about them or what her
response was, but there is anote in the journal that we can
keep doing them. And I know thatshe did one. I tried to listen
(01:43):
to it, but I couldn't listen toall of hers. I couldn't listen
to the good doctors eitherbecause it's so boring. But I
couldn't Emma is hard for me topay attention to because she's
so mousy and whiny.
But but I really like John's. Ilaughed. It cracked me up until
I almost wet my pants. It was sofunny. So I hope you heard the
(02:06):
other podcasts, and, I'm excitedthat it's a thing and that it's
working and that it's goingwell.
People have asked me about thewebsite. I know it shows the
link to the website, but thewebsite's not actually going up
until next week. It is ready togo. I'm just not publishing it
because the doctor is in chargeof all my money, and I get an
(02:28):
allowance. I don't know howother systems do it, but we each
get an allowance.
And the good doctor that's why Icall her doctor e. Sorry. But
the good doctor, she is incharge of our budget and our
money and finances, both for thefamily and for our system. And I
can do my own website, but Ihave to pay for it out of my
(02:50):
allowance. So I have to waitnext week because I already used
my allowance this week before Iknew I was gonna be doing any
podcast.
So I'll do that next week, butit is ready to go. So that's
exciting. I hope it's okay. Wehave a little blog there and
links to the podcast with thedescriptions because, obviously,
we don't wanna trigger anyone,and want people to know what
(03:14):
they're getting into before theylisten. So it kinda gives away
all the surprises of what's inthere, but it's really important
to me that people know whatthey're gonna listen to so they
can sort of prepare if theywanna listen to that one or if
they wanna skip that one or skippart of it.
However, people need to takecare of themselves is great. We
do have the trigger warnings upon the website and in the
(03:37):
descriptions of the podcast.There are not little I don't
know what they're called. Like,the stars or asterisks or
whatever in the triggerwarnings, we don't have those
because that's actually atrigger for us. I know on a lot
of the groups online that theyuse those for trigger warnings,
and so I get that, and I respectthat, and we follow the rules in
(03:59):
the group.
But it's actually reallytriggering to us, so it's not
gonna be on our website. But thegeneral content warnings and
the, podcast, like the episodedescriptions will be there so
people can discern forthemselves if it's an okay and
safe episode for them to listento. But we're trying to keep it
appropriate and helpful andpositive. So I hope that's cool.
(04:22):
And I am excited that you'relistening to it and that people
are liking it.
So besides just Emma listeningto the other podcast and then
doing her own, the other bignews is that last night, I
played them for the husband.Legit, right guys? Like
seriously, I played them for thehusband. I we were sitting there
(04:45):
and we were kinda finishing adate. We had watched a movie.
I don't even remember what itwas. We don't get to watch a
movie very often because ofchildren. There are so many
children, inside children,outside children. There are
children everywhere. It's like azoo here, right?
So we had a little date andwe're finishing a movie and I
just couldn't hold it insideanymore. And so I just turned to
(05:07):
him and I said, I have asurprise for you. And I think
it's a good thing and not a badthing, but I don't wanna be in
trouble about it. And I wannatell you about it because it's
really kind of taking off. Andso, like, he's really my best
friend.
Like, you guys, you have no ideawhat made me do. I hope you're
that lucky. Like, the one thingwe have done right as an adult
(05:29):
is pick him to marry. Like, he'samazing. You I can't even.
Oh. Oh. I mean, you know,because you guys have been
through stuff. Right? So youknow, like, how bad it can be or
even normal dating, how gross itcan be.
But, like, oh, he's just kind,you guys, and he's respectful to
everybody and their differentpreferences. And he's so
(05:49):
attentive and he does stuff forus. Like, he's just legit, like,
kind. Like, I'm not a badperson. I'm but I'm not a kind
person.
Like, I I don't I don't I'm nota terrible person, and it's not
that I'm not nice, but he has,like, a gift for kindness. And
he is just the softest, kindesthuman being I've ever met in my
(06:13):
life. And I don't know how weended up with him, but it is
maybe the best thing of ourentire life ever, is this guy.
Anyway, we got to sit with himand talk to him. And I just
said, I think that this isbecoming a big thing, and so it
feels weird to have somethingthat I haven't told you about.
(06:33):
But it wasn't that it was secretkeeping. I just wasn't sure it
was gonna work or not or what tosay. And so I told him about it,
and he was so excited. He was soproud of me for trying something
new. And he was so proud of mefor having, like, the courage to
go that far out of my comfortzone because this is super
(06:54):
terrifying.
And he was proud of me for,like, trying to have boundaries.
I know shocking. Right? Buttrying to have boundaries so
that, like, I didn't forceanyone to participate and I
didn't disclose anything thatthat are, like, other people's
stories. I'm just only saying myown stuff and saying what I
wanna say and leaving upeverything else to other people
(07:16):
and being fair like that.
Like, that's teamwork. I youdon't know how many points I
should get for that. Like, Ishould have so many therapy
points right now. You have noidea. Oh my goodness.
So I told him about it and hewas so excited and he was so
proud of me. And so we justcurled up and stayed up like an
extra hour and a half late tolisten. And we listened to all
(07:37):
four of them. I got in troubleduring the doctors because it
was so boring, and I was beingsnarky, and he told me to be
quiet because he was reallyinterested in it. So I sort of
got called out on that, but he'salways, I think I'm the only one
who gets in trouble actually,but he's always like, I love
everybody, and you just need tobe respectful.
(07:59):
So he made me be quiet so thathe could hear the doctors, but
he listened to all of all fourof them that we've done so far.
And he was really pleased andproud of us. And he like cried
and laughed and was all seriousabout it. It was a crazy
experience. Some of those thingswe've never really said out loud
(08:20):
or talked about them sodistinctly as individuals or for
him to hear the perspectivewithout us trying to cover up
what's going wrong.
And so it felt super what's theword, like vulnerable, I guess.
That's crazy. I was vulnerable.Anyway, so we told him about it
(08:41):
and we talked about it and theresponse was really positive
from him and he was reallysupportive and very kind about
it, enthusiastic. And we'retotally gonna keep doing it.
And then next week, when thewebsite comes out, then we'll
post everything there, and itwill also, from there, be
automatically fed to iTunes. Andso everything is connected and
(09:05):
ready to go. I just have to hitthe publish button. So that's
exciting. But those of you whohave tried it out with me and
given me some feedback, I reallyappreciate it because it was a
scary thing to do, and I don'twanna just release it to the
general public before, like,knowing what people are thinking
or if it's helpful or not or ifit's just ridiculous or if it's
(09:26):
okay.
Like, it was really scary, andthere was so much anxiety. But
since getting feedback from someof the friends online in the
survivor groups and sincegetting some feedback from the
husband and knowing that evenEmma did one, I think it's gonna
be a good thing. I maybe shouldtell my therapist about it. I
haven't talked to her about ityet, but because we haven't seen
(09:48):
her, which actually is what Iwanna talk about today. What do
you do when you don't get to goto therapy?
Like, it took us so long. Italked about this in my podcast
last time on the first podcast,episode one. It took us so long
to find a good therapist that Iknow we have the right one, and
(10:09):
I don't know that I could trustanyone else, which maybe is my
own issue and I need to work onthat. But I'm really grateful
that we found her, and she'slegit cool. And I don't really
get away with anything, but Ithink that's good for me.
And she can kinda match my snarkand calls me on everything. So I
hate therapy, but I love her.Like, I adore her. And so don't
(10:35):
tell her I said that. But Ireally don't know, like, what to
like, it's a hard process.
I don't mean she's hard. She'samazing. And I love when we're
there. And, like, since we go onMondays, then on Sundays, we
start getting, like, excited tobe there and knowing it's coming
(10:56):
and there's such relief. Butthen after we leave, it's so
distressing because we have toleave and it begins, like, this
time of having to work on thingswithout her or process
everything that just happened ordeal with that space of being
away from her or being on ourown.
(11:17):
And it's so much harder andscarier, But I don't wanna be,
like, a creeper. Like, it's notthat I don't know how to explain
it. I hope you guys understandbecause maybe you're in therapy
too, but it's just hard. Well,because, like, we stir things up
in therapy. Right?
(11:38):
So then after therapy is hard.Like, some things are good.
Like, we always sleep reallygood on Monday nights, like,
better than any other night ofthe week because we've had
therapy and it was soexhausting. And we did so much
work internally that, like, wealways sleep really well on
Monday nights. But then when wewake up on Tuesday mornings,
there's so much to, like, pukeout into the journals, and
(12:03):
there's so much to process andadapt to and try to get back
into real life, like, thechildren and the husband and
everything that's expected ofus.
And so the transition is hard.But by Wednesday, we kind of
have that down, except theneverything is like dominoes.
(12:24):
Like, everything that we processfrom therapy, we kinda have down
in the notebooks, but then thatstirs up, like, the next layer
of nasty and ugh. And so then wehave to wrestle it. And then by
Thursday, then we're wrestlingwith it without the therapist
because it's not our appointmentyet.
(12:45):
And then by Friday, like, we'reabout to drown in it. And then
Saturday, we might as well quit.It's the end of the world.
Whatever. It's so dramatic.
Right? And then by Sunday, wefeel better because we know
therapy is next Monday. Right?So that's what it feels like for
me. But then at the same time,like, real life happens.
(13:08):
And so, like, she had because ofnot calendar, schedules. Because
of schedules, like, she had aweek that she had to miss, which
is fine. And we had a week thatwe had to miss, not because we
were avoiding therapy, justsomething. I don't know, kids or
something. And so we missed twoweeks with her.
(13:28):
And so we were supposed to gothis week, except they had a
blizzard. It was a freakingblizzard, you guys. What why
have we moved here where theyhave such a thing as blizzard?
Because it was cold. Like, youit was snowing sideways.
How is that even possible? Like,how is that a thing? It can't
snow sideways. Like, what? Itwas crazy.
(13:51):
And so because of the blizzard,we cannot get to therapy, which
was the third week in a row thatwe missed session. And so I
don't know how we've handledthat. Like, how we kept
functioning. I mean, it's goodfor us to see that we can, but,
like, it's really hard until,like, anxiety's through the roof
(14:12):
and everything is just harderthan it needs to be. And I guess
it's in some ways, like, Emmawrote about how it helps her
realize how much she needstherapy because we were feeling
so much better, and now we'restarting to feel worse again
because we've missed it so manytimes.
And now it's supposed to snowagain next week or, like, on the
(14:32):
weekend. And so if we don'twatch carefully the timing and I
don't think that, like, rightnow, we have the funds to be
able to just go early and get ahotel and then wait until
Monday. Like, I don't mindrunning away. That'd be cool.
And we can do it functionallike, like, of just
disappearing, take a day earlyand a hotel and rest and recover
(14:56):
and do some intense therapy workin the notebooks and then go to
therapy and then come homelegit.
So, like, that's a compromise wedo sometimes when that pressure
to run away is really big. We dothat. We have a runner. I don't
know if you know that. That'skind of off topic.
But we have a runner who, like,will fugus out. You know, like,
we move and wake up and, like,we're in a completely different
(15:19):
state or a different life orwhatever. We land in airports a
lot or wake up in othercountries. Like, it's been a
problem. But this is but we'redoing better with that.
And so we can do it kind offunctionally for therapy, but
(15:40):
it's not the weak. We've had,like, two kids in the hospital
is what's happened. That's whyour allowances are off because
we had two kids in the hospital.And so, it's not a week where we
can just go early for the hotel.So I'm rambling, but the whole
point is I can't miss therapyanother week or I'm going to be
crazy.
I'm already crazy. I started apodcast. That's pretty crazy.
(16:03):
That's how desperate I am.Right?
And so we're trying, honestly,like everything we can do to
hold it together, we're trying,but I don't know how to miss
another week. I just can't. Andso I'm really anxious about that
even though, like, I don't wannago to therapy. I don't wanna
talk to her. She's way smarterand cleverer than me.
(16:23):
Like, you can't get away withnothing with her. So it's not
like I wanna be the one out. Idon't wanna do a session. I just
want no way to feel better aftera session. Someone else can do
the work.
I don't wanna do the work, but Idon't wanna miss. And then
because of the holidays, theweek after this next session,
(16:46):
she's gonna be gone. And then wehave a session, and then we're
miss two more because of theholidays. And so I can't even I
can't even handle it right now.And the anxiety just about
getting to therapy is insaneright now.
Like, I mean, off the charts. Idon't even know how to cope with
(17:06):
that. So what I do is I I do thethings that I know I can do.
Like, we keep the NTIS on ourhand. We have a bear that she
gave us that the littles hold.
We work on grounding skills.Like, I have some essential oils
(17:27):
and some candles, and hotchocolate is a good thing for
us. We can't have coffee, so wecan have hot chocolate. And she
we have a painter. Somebody canpaint.
Like, there's different covingskills. We know the drill, and
we can do those things. But thatit's still just hard, and the
(17:48):
pressure still builds up fasterthan we can get rid of it almost
or release it, I guess. But it'sanother reason I'm so grateful
for some of the groups or someof the friends that we've made
online, not like in a creepyway, but in a really actual
supportive, good people outthere who are connecting with
(18:10):
others who understand. Like, itreally makes all the difference,
I think, and that is helpful.
Also, if it's really bad, we cantext the therapist or email her.
We have her text number and heremail address, and we have
permission to use them, but wetry really hard not to. I don't
(18:30):
really care so much, but thedoctor is like, no. Don't it's
her time. Don't mess with it.
And then someone else that's alittle is like, don't because
then we're in trouble and we'rebad, da da da da da, which isn't
true at all, but that's like theconflict in there. So we don't
actually do it very much becauseI guess we don't wanna want to
abuse it, but aren't also Imean, we don't wanna abuse that
(18:54):
privilege. That's true. But,also, I don't think we really
believe in that privilege yet.Does that make sense?
Like, I don't know. Like, shetexted us on Thanksgiving and
said, happy Thanksgiving. I'm sograteful for you. That's what
(19:15):
she said on Thanksgiving.Giving.
And I was like, what do youwant? What are you trying to do?
What are you trying to get at?When the husband, he was like
and our husband was like, she'sjust grateful for you. She's
just wishing you a happyholiday.
I'm like, why? What does shewant? What is she trying to do?
(19:36):
What is she getting at? He'slike, no.
She's just grateful. Like, it'sa hard thing. How do you process
that? Or sometimes online, whenyou meet new people who are,
like, safe, appropriate people,like, they are demonstrating
good boundaries. They aredemonstrating things that show
you they're safe.
I'm not talking about creepers.I'm not talking about weirdos.
(19:58):
I'm not talking about, like,dangerous people online. I mean,
like, in the groups, they'vealready been vetted and also you
see how they interact with otherpeople before you connect with
them yourself. You know?
I don't know. At least we do. Wewatch for a long time. And so
(20:22):
when people are nice to us,like, it's really hard to deal
with that, which is ridiculousbecause that's how things are
supposed to be. I know how todeal with people when they're
mean to me.
I know how to deal with peoplewhen they hurt me. I know how to
deal with people who abuse us orneglect us or whatever. I don't
(20:43):
know how to deal with peoplebeing nice and safe. It's so
weird. The niceness and safenessis weird, but also that I can't
deal with it is weird.
Like, it makes me freeze up andturns into, like, social anxiety
or something, except it'sdifferent than social anxiety.
It's not really that, but Idon't know how else to explain
it to people. And so, like, theharder they try, the more I
(21:07):
hide. And that makes it reallyhard to be a good friend even
when you want to or you wannatry. You know?
So I appreciate when people arereally patient and understanding
of that, just my own boundariestoo. Even respond to people.
(21:29):
Like, instant messaging isreally hard. Like, that's very
overwhelming very fast. Like, itjust sucks up all my spoons.
You guys know about the spoontheory. Right? Like, that you
only have so many a day, andwhen you have to do hard things,
it uses them up. Like, instantmessaging sucks up all my
spoons. It, like, pretty muchputs them down the garbage
(21:50):
disposal, And then there's notonly no spoons, but the old
spoons you already used are allscratched up.
That's what it's like. I don'tknow. So it makes it hard to
have friends because I am aterrible friend myself. And I
know to be to have friends, youneed to be a friend, like,
(22:10):
whatever, but it's really hardto do and really hard to
understand why people would bekind or what they want from
being kind or what they'retrying to do or get at. I don't
know.
It's a scary thing. Not that I'mscared because, like, I'm tough.
I'm cool. But friendship ishard. I don't know why stuff
(22:34):
from the makes friendship hardnow.
I think it's one reason thatwe're safe with the husband
because he just kinda chill. Hejust kinda hangs out and does
his own thing and isn't offendedby us doing our own thing,
whatever that may be at anygiven moment. And right now,
(22:54):
it's a podcast. So thanks forlistening, and we'll keep going.
Okay?
Thanks. See you next episode.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Thank you for listening. Your support really
helps us feel less alone whilewe sort through all of this and
learn together.
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