March 27, 2017 • 28 mins
Sasha references Healing Together, and walks while she talks about internal worlds.
The website is HERE.
You can join the Community HERE. Remember that you will not be able to see much until joining groups. Message us if we can help!
You can contact the podcast HERE.
Content Note: Content on this website and in the podcasts is assumed to be trauma and/or dissociative related due to the nature of what is being shared here in general. Content descriptors are generally given in each episode. Specific trigger warnings are not given due to research reporting this makes triggers worse. Please use appropriate self-care and your own safety plan while exploring this website and during your listening experience. Natural pauses due to dissociation have not been edited out of the podcast, and have been left for authenticity. While some professional material may be referenced for educational purposes, Emma and her system are not your therapist nor offering professional advice. Any informational material shared or referenced is simply part of our own learning process, and not guaranteed to be the latest research or best method for you. Please contact your therapist or nearest emergency room in case of any emergency. This website does not provide any medical, mental health, or social support services.
★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Over
about Dissociative IdentityDisorder. If you are new to the
podcast, we recommend startingat the beginning episodes and
listen in order to hear ourstory and what we have learned
through this endeavor. Currentepisodes may be more applicable
to longtime listeners and arelikely to contain more advanced
(00:32):
topics, emotional or othertriggering content, and or
reference earlier episodes thatprovide more context to what we
are currently learning andexperiencing. As always, please
care for yourself during andafter listening to the podcast.
Thank you.
(01:03):
Okay. So this is Sasha, and I'mwalking, so you may hear some
background noises. I hope it'snot too much. If it is, I can
talk about this later. But Ican't not talk about it right
now because oh my goodness.
(01:24):
First of all, the sun is out.The sun has not been out in what
feels like months. So right now,I almost can't even see the
sidewalk where I'm trying towalk to the park. Like, it's so
bright, but it's good becausewe're outside, and it's warm.
(01:45):
It's not snowing, and we can gofor a walk, and that feels good.
So I just oh, it feels good tobe outside, and I'm proud of us
for being outside. I'm proud ofus for thinking that it feels
good to be outside. So we'refunctioning. Right? That's
(02:08):
something.
It should count for something.And the other thing the other
thing that's a really big dealtoday that I just need to talk
about is that we went to group.What? I know. Right?
(02:35):
Like, the ultimate introvertswent to group. Except that there
were, like, all of theseprotections for social anxiety.
Number one, it was on thecomputer, not in real life. I
mean, it was real, but not inperson. So we signed up for
(03:00):
these coaching sessions and it'swith other people who are plural
in different degrees.
And I don't really wanna talkabout that because, like, it's
not my business to talk aboutgroup on the podcast. But I do
hope that we get to interviewthe leader of the group on the
(03:23):
podcast, and we've alreadytalked to them about that, that
system. And they're agreeable,so that's exciting and will come
up later in the future. Justsomeone dropped some lumber in
the garage. It's okay.
Now time is safe, guys. Justkeep walking. Anyway, the leader
(04:05):
of the group is the Chris's, andthey are actually speaking at
the AIM conference that iscoming up at the end of the
month in Florida. So there's ahundred things I have to tell
you. There's an infinite mindConference, and I'll put the
link in the blog.
(04:26):
But there's the Infinite MindConference that is coming up
about DID in Florida at the endof a month. And there are lots
of us going, and we are going.And not only are we going, but
we are one of the sponsors ofthe conference. We actually have
one free ticket we're going togive away. And so you would
(04:52):
still have to pay for, like,your travel to get there and
where you stay once you getthere, but you won't have to pay
for conference registration,which is a huge help.
Or maybe there's someone localthat wants to go but can't pay
for registration or something.So we have a free ticket to give
(05:14):
away to registration for theconference. And the only
qualification is that you haveto register for the conference
in your same name that willmatch your identification. But
that's only for conferenceregistration and for signing in.
Like once you're there and youhave your stuff, they said you
(05:35):
can put any name you want onyour name tag or even change it
up.
So that's super exciting. So allyou have to do to sign up for
the drawing for the freeregistration to the conference,
(05:55):
is to share a link to thispodcast and let us know that you
did. So you can tag us ormessage us. That way, we'll know
you did, and we'll put your namein the drawing. And we'll have
the drawing next week.
Ah, it's so exciting. We willalso be featuring several of the
(06:15):
speakers this month. So you'llget to hear more about them
before you go or if you miss theconference. So that's a thing,
and it's super exciting. I'msorry again for the background
noise of the cars and the wind,but, like, it's gorgeous outside
for a winter day.
(06:38):
And it is really important forour stability that we come
outside today. Like, we totallyneed to be outside and play. And
we'll let the littles play in aminute, but we need some
sunshine. Shine. I need to talkto you guys, and we will feel
much better.
So what I wanna tell you is thatwe started this group. And,
(06:59):
obviously, I can't talk aboutwhat happens in the group on the
podcast. That's not what I'mhere to do. But one of the
topics in the group for ourfirst session was the same thing
we're already talking about intherapy, which was super
helpful. Right?
But it's about, like, theinternal world. And some people,
I feel like, who have systems orare plural I mean, some people
(07:24):
who are plural are alreadyreally good at this. And we've
seen some videos online that arepretty specific. Like, people
have worked really, really hardon their internal worlds and
expressing what that is like forthem and what that looks like
for them. It kinda blows meaway.
(07:47):
We're not there yet. First ofall, I didn't know it had a
name. That, like, internal worldor internal landscape, I didn't
know that that was a thing.We've talked about this before
on the podcast. So we've beenlearning about it for a while,
two or three months maybe.
(08:07):
And what I can say is that whatwe've kind of become aware of is
that we don't have an internalworld as far as, like, a safe
place inside or where we canmeet up or whatever. We have an
internal world that's still leftfrom where we came from. So what
(08:30):
we have inside is the same placethat we grew up. Does that make
sense? So there's a house, arather large, like, farmhouse.
It was on a farm and next toother farms. And there's a
(08:50):
pasture that went to theneighbor's house that were,
like, good neighbors. So none ofthat I mean, so the neighbors
were not scary people. Let mejust say that. That's not that
was a respite for us, ifanything.
And oh, that's what thetherapist meant about learning
(09:11):
kindness from other people whenit wasn't our parents. Oh my
goodness, why can I neverunderstand anything in therapy?
And then it like comes outlater. This is why I had to walk
and talk because it's how mybrain works. That's when I put
pieces together and when thingsfall into place when I move
physically.
The doctor says it's somethingabout cortisol or whatever, but
(09:32):
and how the brain works, but Idon't know that to tell you.
Someone else she she will haveto tell you that because I don't
get it. But I feel it, and I'mexperiencing it, so I hate when
she wins. Okay. So, anyway, wedon't have that per se.
(09:52):
No. That's not what I wassaying. Oh, Yeah. Yeah. The
farms.
Right? So this is where we livewhen we were little. There's a
house, and I'm not gonna talkabout the house right now. But
the littles are all still in thehouse. And there's the good
neighbors, which I can remember,like, thinking about or looking
(10:14):
at or something, but not like, Iknow we don't still live there.
And then there's also thepasture between us and the
neighbors where the horses were,and that was a good place. So
there's, like, happy things inthere, which I guess is
(10:36):
reassuring somehow. But thenalso on the other side, like,
past the chicken coops is wherethe grandparents lived, and
those that's a different house.And then the woods on the other
side is their house. So that'skind of where we grew up, and
(10:59):
that's kind of where everybodystill is inside.
So if we're talking aboutdifferent people inside or
altars, I guess, is a fancyword. If we're talking about
altars having specific jobs orroles on the inside or from the
(11:21):
past, which I've also learned iscalled an EP, like an emotional
part. Not meaning, like, they'reemotional, ah, drama, emo, but,
like, stuck in trauma or stuckin a memory or stuck in time or
holding that experience asopposed to someone like me who
(11:41):
has to function in the world alot. Well, I don't really
function a lot. I avoidfunctioning a lot.
But, I mean, like, doctor e orthe others who, like, have stuff
to do. I can do my own thing. Ihate the husband that counts for
something. Right? So, like,functioning or a and p or
whatever, apparently normalparts.
(12:04):
This is all this lingo I'mlearning that I didn't know as a
thing. So, anyway, they're allstill there in the same places
where stuff happened. So if wetalk about people who had a
certain job in the past, likethose people with those jobs are
still there, which is why nowtime is safe. It's such a big
deal for us because they're notin now time yet. And so we've
(12:29):
been working with the therapiston trying to, like, help
everybody know that there's adifference between memory time
and now time.
And that now time is safe, nowtime has the therapist, now time
has the husband, and in nowtime, the parents are dead.
(12:50):
Dead, dead, dead. So we'reworking on all this, but we're
not there yet. But a piece ofthat, which I finally understand
oh my goodness. Another piece ismaking sense to me, like, right
now, as if the world just turnedon in color.
The therapist has been sayingfor a year, a year she's been
(13:13):
saying, we need to go rescuethese people. And I'm like, from
what? Like, we're fine. But nowI get it. Oh my goodness.
As I'm talking, I get it. Thisis why I had to do this. Okay.
So these people that are stillstuck in time are also inside,
still in the same places whereeverything happened. So okay.
(13:39):
So this is big stuff. I mean,maybe you guys already know it,
and you're already good at it.But for me, it's brand new, and
it's just now clicking. After ayear, a year, you guys, it took
me a year to figure this out. Orif you count the first therapist
before, then it's taken, like,twenty years to figure this out.
(14:03):
Oh my goodness. Okay. So,basically, what we can do,
they're saying in those videos Iwatched and the therapist and in
group, maybe they're telling thetruth and know what they're
talking about, they're sayingthat we can basically use our
(14:30):
imagination either together orkind of on our own. Like, not on
our own so much as to wreakhavoc, but to get things started
or trying. Like, use ourimagination to create safer
places internally.
(14:50):
Like, my mind is so blown rightnow. So okay. So an example is
this. We have one I wanna becareful about this because I
don't wanna disclose things thatare not my story, but I think
(15:13):
this is an example of how itfits appropriately, and it's
okay to share as long as I don'tgo into details. But we have one
who's a child who is still inour bedroom from when we were
little.
Right? So for lots of reasons,that could be a problem. But the
(15:33):
therapist somehow got in there,which I don't even know how to
explain, and it's not my storyto tell. So I can't go into that
right now. But she got Christmaslights hung up in there.
Like, how did she do that? Soinstead of being in the dark,
this girl has Christmas lightsin her room now. That's an
(15:53):
example of this. I didn'trealize it was a legit thing. I
was just like, why are youfooling around and messing
around with scary stuff?
Only she made it less scary forthe girl. Like, I finally get it
that this little girl now atleast has some Christmas lights.
So instead of just being aloneand in the dark, she knows that
(16:16):
the therapist can get to her andhelp and that the therapist left
us Christmas lights in thatroom, which makes the room way
less creepy, I have to admit.But I think that's what they're
talking about. Does that count?
Oh my goodness. Like, my I mybrain is totally exploding right
(16:37):
now. Wait. What? What?
So now I'm trying to think whereelse is safe inside, like the
pasture, for example, and howcan we use safe places to make
communication with other peoplepossible, so, like, using our
imagination. So I almost can'teven stay in my skin right now.
(17:04):
Like, this feels so big. But,like, I don't even know how to
get people's attention. How dowe get people's attention from
the pasture?
I don't know how to do this. Iam not a farmer. I mean oh. Oh.
(17:25):
Oh.
You guys, there was a bell onthe porch at the neighbor's
house, and that's how she calledher husband in for dinner. She
rang the bell. We got to ringthe bell. The bell was very
cool. It was a giant bellhanging from the porch, and
there was a rope on it.
And we could pull the rope, andthe bell would ring, and he
(17:46):
would come for supper, and wewould get to eat too. Oh my
goodness. Okay. This is huge. Sohow can we use the bell, like,
in the pasture to at least getpeople's attention or find a way
to make people safe or to helppeople know when to listen to
hear the therapist or something.
(18:06):
Oh my goodness. You guys, doesthis count? Do Christmas lights
and pasture bells count? Like,can that be a thing? I mean, I
know it's not super elaborate.
There are people who have sharedtheir worlds online who have,
like, even designed it on thecomputers or in Minecraft or
other programs. Not that's notgonna happen with us because
we're just not computer people.But we just that's not gonna be
(18:32):
our thing. But we can learn fromthat, and you have to start
somewhere. Right?
So even if that's all we've donesome so far, like, can that
count? Does that, like does thathelp? Are we on the right track,
or is this just crazy sauce? Idon't know what to do. And if we
(18:59):
could put a bell in the pastureto let people know it's safe,
can we put a different bell inthe woods to let people know
it's safe or when there's dangeror when the therapist needs to
help or we need to get thetherapist up.
Wait. What? Okay. So this hastotally blown my mind right now.
(19:26):
I just I don't know if this isthe right thing.
I don't wanna mess anything up.I feel like I've made two
changes that to me feel reallyhuge, and everyone else is gonna
be like, you're ridiculous. Butto me, it feels like a big deal.
(19:52):
This maybe is not the mostinformative podcast ever. I
don't know, but I feel like theworld has been shattered in,
like, a good way.
Like, somehow, all of a sudden,I feel very powerful. Like, not
in a bad way, but in anempowered kind of way. Like,
where else is scary and dark andalone, or who else is scared and
(20:18):
alone, and how can we help them?Like, that's my next question.
And so it feels veryoverwhelming, but also, like,
creative and freeing andempowering.
And I feel also at the same timefoolish that the therapist has
been working for a year to justtell me this, what we finally
(20:41):
figured out or understand. It'slike a breakthrough somehow. And
I need to just brainstorm andtalk to some of them that I am
able to talk to and journal inthe notebook so that others I
don't know how to talk to cansee it and see what ideas we
(21:04):
come up with. And maybe we canlet you know about that because
this is big, Really big. I don'tknow how people started or how
long it takes or if it's reallyhelping or whatever.
But I also know to be careful.Like, I don't wanna mess things
up for anybody. Like, I don'twanna go around putting in bells
(21:24):
if that's actually a bad thingfor somebody. It's not a bad
thing for anybody that I knowof. But if communication is the
one of the things that we'relearning about and talking
about, then before I startinstalling bells everywhere, I
should probably go, hey, guys.
Anyone have a problem withbells? Are bells okay? Because
(21:48):
they might be fine for me, butnot fine for somebody else. But
Christmas lights, the samething. Like, maybe that's okay
with somebody, but not okay withsomebody else.
But for us, it was okay, andit's worked. And they're still
there, like, a month later.She's not in the dark anymore,
you guys. Like, this is big. Soit also so, like ah, okay.
(22:13):
So it feels really big, and Ican see how it's such a global
thing and can impact everybodyfor better or for worse on the
inside. And so, yes,communication and inviting
people to participate andtalking about things before just
going around changing up theworld is gonna be really
important. But also, like, Ihave to think about it just for
(22:35):
me, from my own perspectivebecause I can't participate in
the group, meaning, like, oursystem, not the group, like, the
group session. I mean, we can'tI can't I myself cannot
participate in that kind ofconversation if I don't even
know what I need. And knowingwhat we need is really hard.
So why is that? I don't know. Iknow some things. I need
(23:01):
sunshine. I already said that.
Right? So that can go on mylist. I need dates with a
husband. That can go on my list.And for me, that means a couple
needs.
Like, I need sunshine because Idon't wanna be inside and
depressed all the time. Ugh.Gross. It makes me crazy. So the
husband has some depression, andthere are some others inside
(23:24):
that has some depression.
But I don't have depression, andI don't want it. And I don't
like living a depressed life. Sojust going for a walk in the
sunshine, even if the wind isstill cold, actually feels
really good to me. So walks. Ineed walks outside.
That's on my list. And then Idon't wanna parent all the time.
(23:46):
Parenting is not my job. It'snot why I'm here. It has nothing
to do with me.
Although, I can get into somepretty killer marshmallow
fights. So I need dates with thehusband where we're not talking
about parenting, where we don'thave kids with us, where we're
not in the hospital or dealingwith crises or having to do
(24:10):
responsible things. I need tojust play, like, like, hang out
and be fun, whatever. I alsoknow someone who, for safety,
and, again, not telling morethan what's my part to tell, but
for safety, like, our runner,needs to go on trips so that
(24:34):
we're legal and functional andcome back home. So we have to
plan things.
Right now, therapy is meetingthat need because therapy is
four hours away for us. So thatweekly trip is helping that the
weekly trip is helping thatneed. So that's an example.
(24:57):
Maybe that's not about worlds,though, except it keeps us from
hiding. Wait.
Would she need a place to hide?Could that be a thing? If we
have someone who wants to run tohide wait. What? I've literally
(25:17):
stopped in my tracks.
What if we just gave her a safeplace to hide? Can we do that?
Is that a thing? What would thatlook like? She's little.
(25:40):
I know that. I mean, not tiny,but she's younger. So what would
a safe place to hide look likefor someone who's younger? Oh my
goodness. My brain hurts.
This is all so big, and it's somuch. I feel like I feel like
(26:06):
I'm so powerful now. Like,things are popping up in front
of my eyes as I walk. I may havefinally lost my mind. Like, I
may have seriously lost my mind.
I'm totally just seeing thingsin the field as I walk through
on the trail. Oh, these areclues. I feel like they're
(26:33):
clues. The things that I'mseeing and the ideas I'm having.
Are they from other people?
Like, other insiders, and arethey responding already? What?
Okay. I feel like there's somekind of faucet that has been
turned on, and everything'schanging in a good way all of a
sudden. And I really can't,like, handle it or control it or
(26:56):
I don't know how to moderatethat or turn it off or turn it
down or if I just messedeverything up.
So maybe maybe I need to stophere and, like, take a break and
check-in with the therapistbefore I destroy the world as we
know it. Because we've eitherhad a very serious breakthrough
(27:21):
that's huge and good andamazing, even though there's
still a lot of work to it ahead,or I really messed things up,
which is also likely in my case.I don't know. So tell me what
you know about internal worlds,which videos are your favorite
about internal worlds, and howdid you learn to do that for
(27:43):
your system? What is good?
What's not good? What's helpful,not helpful? Important to
remember, how do you be carefulso that, like, people feel
included and something thathelps one person doesn't trigger
someone else. Things like thatare the things I'm thinking
about. So we'll check-in againafter we do this or try it or
(28:05):
start or talk to the therapistor something.
We might just explode. There'sgonna be pieces of us
everywhere. I don't know. Rightnow, I'm gonna walk home before
I get lost because now it feelskinda risky. So thanks for
listening.
Bye. Thank you for listening.Your support of the podcast, the
(28:31):
workbooks, and the communitymeans so much to us as we try to
create something together that'snever been done before, not like
this. Connection brings healing,and you can join us on the
We'll see you there.
Over
about Dissociative IdentityDisorder. If you are new to the
podcast, we recommend startingat the beginning episodes and
listen in order to hear ourstory and what we have learned
through this endeavor. Currentepisodes may be more applicable
to longtime listeners and arelikely to contain more advanced
(00:32):
topics, emotional or othertriggering content, and or
reference earlier episodes thatprovide more context to what we
are currently learning andexperiencing. As always, please
care for yourself during andafter listening to the podcast.
Thank you.
(01:03):
Okay. So this is Sasha, and I'mwalking, so you may hear some
background noises. I hope it'snot too much. If it is, I can
talk about this later. But Ican't not talk about it right
now because oh my goodness.
(01:24):
First of all, the sun is out.The sun has not been out in what
feels like months. So right now,I almost can't even see the
sidewalk where I'm trying towalk to the park. Like, it's so
bright, but it's good becausewe're outside, and it's warm.
(01:45):
It's not snowing, and we can gofor a walk, and that feels good.
So I just oh, it feels good tobe outside, and I'm proud of us
for being outside. I'm proud ofus for thinking that it feels
good to be outside. So we'refunctioning. Right? That's
(02:08):
something.
It should count for something.And the other thing the other
thing that's a really big dealtoday that I just need to talk
about is that we went to group.What? I know. Right?
(02:35):
Like, the ultimate introvertswent to group. Except that there
were, like, all of theseprotections for social anxiety.
Number one, it was on thecomputer, not in real life. I
mean, it was real, but not inperson. So we signed up for
(03:00):
these coaching sessions and it'swith other people who are plural
in different degrees.
And I don't really wanna talkabout that because, like, it's
not my business to talk aboutgroup on the podcast. But I do
hope that we get to interviewthe leader of the group on the
(03:23):
podcast, and we've alreadytalked to them about that, that
system. And they're agreeable,so that's exciting and will come
up later in the future. Justsomeone dropped some lumber in
the garage. It's okay.
Now time is safe, guys. Justkeep walking. Anyway, the leader
(04:05):
of the group is the Chris's, andthey are actually speaking at
the AIM conference that iscoming up at the end of the
month in Florida. So there's ahundred things I have to tell
you. There's an infinite mindConference, and I'll put the
link in the blog.
(04:26):
But there's the Infinite MindConference that is coming up
about DID in Florida at the endof a month. And there are lots
of us going, and we are going.And not only are we going, but
we are one of the sponsors ofthe conference. We actually have
one free ticket we're going togive away. And so you would
(04:52):
still have to pay for, like,your travel to get there and
where you stay once you getthere, but you won't have to pay
for conference registration,which is a huge help.
Or maybe there's someone localthat wants to go but can't pay
for registration or something.So we have a free ticket to give
(05:14):
away to registration for theconference. And the only
qualification is that you haveto register for the conference
in your same name that willmatch your identification. But
that's only for conferenceregistration and for signing in.
Like once you're there and youhave your stuff, they said you
(05:35):
can put any name you want onyour name tag or even change it
up.
So that's super exciting. So allyou have to do to sign up for
the drawing for the freeregistration to the conference,
(05:55):
is to share a link to thispodcast and let us know that you
did. So you can tag us ormessage us. That way, we'll know
you did, and we'll put your namein the drawing. And we'll have
the drawing next week.
Ah, it's so exciting. We willalso be featuring several of the
(06:15):
speakers this month. So you'llget to hear more about them
before you go or if you miss theconference. So that's a thing,
and it's super exciting. I'msorry again for the background
noise of the cars and the wind,but, like, it's gorgeous outside
for a winter day.
(06:38):
And it is really important forour stability that we come
outside today. Like, we totallyneed to be outside and play. And
we'll let the littles play in aminute, but we need some
sunshine. Shine. I need to talkto you guys, and we will feel
much better.
So what I wanna tell you is thatwe started this group. And,
(06:59):
obviously, I can't talk aboutwhat happens in the group on the
podcast. That's not what I'mhere to do. But one of the
topics in the group for ourfirst session was the same thing
we're already talking about intherapy, which was super
helpful. Right?
But it's about, like, theinternal world. And some people,
I feel like, who have systems orare plural I mean, some people
(07:24):
who are plural are alreadyreally good at this. And we've
seen some videos online that arepretty specific. Like, people
have worked really, really hardon their internal worlds and
expressing what that is like forthem and what that looks like
for them. It kinda blows meaway.
(07:47):
We're not there yet. First ofall, I didn't know it had a
name. That, like, internal worldor internal landscape, I didn't
know that that was a thing.We've talked about this before
on the podcast. So we've beenlearning about it for a while,
two or three months maybe.
(08:07):
And what I can say is that whatwe've kind of become aware of is
that we don't have an internalworld as far as, like, a safe
place inside or where we canmeet up or whatever. We have an
internal world that's still leftfrom where we came from. So what
(08:30):
we have inside is the same placethat we grew up. Does that make
sense? So there's a house, arather large, like, farmhouse.
It was on a farm and next toother farms. And there's a
(08:50):
pasture that went to theneighbor's house that were,
like, good neighbors. So none ofthat I mean, so the neighbors
were not scary people. Let mejust say that. That's not that
was a respite for us, ifanything.
And oh, that's what thetherapist meant about learning
(09:11):
kindness from other people whenit wasn't our parents. Oh my
goodness, why can I neverunderstand anything in therapy?
And then it like comes outlater. This is why I had to walk
and talk because it's how mybrain works. That's when I put
pieces together and when thingsfall into place when I move
physically.
The doctor says it's somethingabout cortisol or whatever, but
(09:32):
and how the brain works, but Idon't know that to tell you.
Someone else she she will haveto tell you that because I don't
get it. But I feel it, and I'mexperiencing it, so I hate when
she wins. Okay. So, anyway, wedon't have that per se.
(09:52):
No. That's not what I wassaying. Oh, Yeah. Yeah. The
farms.
Right? So this is where we livewhen we were little. There's a
house, and I'm not gonna talkabout the house right now. But
the littles are all still in thehouse. And there's the good
neighbors, which I can remember,like, thinking about or looking
(10:14):
at or something, but not like, Iknow we don't still live there.
And then there's also thepasture between us and the
neighbors where the horses were,and that was a good place. So
there's, like, happy things inthere, which I guess is
(10:36):
reassuring somehow. But thenalso on the other side, like,
past the chicken coops is wherethe grandparents lived, and
those that's a different house.And then the woods on the other
side is their house. So that'skind of where we grew up, and
(10:59):
that's kind of where everybodystill is inside.
So if we're talking aboutdifferent people inside or
altars, I guess, is a fancyword. If we're talking about
altars having specific jobs orroles on the inside or from the
(11:21):
past, which I've also learned iscalled an EP, like an emotional
part. Not meaning, like, they'reemotional, ah, drama, emo, but,
like, stuck in trauma or stuckin a memory or stuck in time or
holding that experience asopposed to someone like me who
(11:41):
has to function in the world alot. Well, I don't really
function a lot. I avoidfunctioning a lot.
But, I mean, like, doctor e orthe others who, like, have stuff
to do. I can do my own thing. Ihate the husband that counts for
something. Right? So, like,functioning or a and p or
whatever, apparently normalparts.
(12:04):
This is all this lingo I'mlearning that I didn't know as a
thing. So, anyway, they're allstill there in the same places
where stuff happened. So if wetalk about people who had a
certain job in the past, likethose people with those jobs are
still there, which is why nowtime is safe. It's such a big
deal for us because they're notin now time yet. And so we've
(12:29):
been working with the therapiston trying to, like, help
everybody know that there's adifference between memory time
and now time.
And that now time is safe, nowtime has the therapist, now time
has the husband, and in nowtime, the parents are dead.
(12:50):
Dead, dead, dead. So we'reworking on all this, but we're
not there yet. But a piece ofthat, which I finally understand
oh my goodness. Another piece ismaking sense to me, like, right
now, as if the world just turnedon in color.
The therapist has been sayingfor a year, a year she's been
(13:13):
saying, we need to go rescuethese people. And I'm like, from
what? Like, we're fine. But nowI get it. Oh my goodness.
As I'm talking, I get it. Thisis why I had to do this. Okay.
So these people that are stillstuck in time are also inside,
still in the same places whereeverything happened. So okay.
(13:39):
So this is big stuff. I mean,maybe you guys already know it,
and you're already good at it.But for me, it's brand new, and
it's just now clicking. After ayear, a year, you guys, it took
me a year to figure this out. Orif you count the first therapist
before, then it's taken, like,twenty years to figure this out.
(14:03):
Oh my goodness. Okay. So,basically, what we can do,
they're saying in those videos Iwatched and the therapist and in
group, maybe they're telling thetruth and know what they're
talking about, they're sayingthat we can basically use our
(14:30):
imagination either together orkind of on our own. Like, not on
our own so much as to wreakhavoc, but to get things started
or trying. Like, use ourimagination to create safer
places internally.
(14:50):
Like, my mind is so blown rightnow. So okay. So an example is
this. We have one I wanna becareful about this because I
don't wanna disclose things thatare not my story, but I think
(15:13):
this is an example of how itfits appropriately, and it's
okay to share as long as I don'tgo into details. But we have one
who's a child who is still inour bedroom from when we were
little.
Right? So for lots of reasons,that could be a problem. But the
(15:33):
therapist somehow got in there,which I don't even know how to
explain, and it's not my storyto tell. So I can't go into that
right now. But she got Christmaslights hung up in there.
Like, how did she do that? Soinstead of being in the dark,
this girl has Christmas lightsin her room now. That's an
(15:53):
example of this. I didn'trealize it was a legit thing. I
was just like, why are youfooling around and messing
around with scary stuff?
Only she made it less scary forthe girl. Like, I finally get it
that this little girl now atleast has some Christmas lights.
So instead of just being aloneand in the dark, she knows that
(16:16):
the therapist can get to her andhelp and that the therapist left
us Christmas lights in thatroom, which makes the room way
less creepy, I have to admit.But I think that's what they're
talking about. Does that count?
Oh my goodness. Like, my I mybrain is totally exploding right
(16:37):
now. Wait. What? What?
So now I'm trying to think whereelse is safe inside, like the
pasture, for example, and howcan we use safe places to make
communication with other peoplepossible, so, like, using our
imagination. So I almost can'teven stay in my skin right now.
(17:04):
Like, this feels so big. But,like, I don't even know how to
get people's attention. How dowe get people's attention from
the pasture?
I don't know how to do this. Iam not a farmer. I mean oh. Oh.
(17:25):
Oh.
You guys, there was a bell onthe porch at the neighbor's
house, and that's how she calledher husband in for dinner. She
rang the bell. We got to ringthe bell. The bell was very
cool. It was a giant bellhanging from the porch, and
there was a rope on it.
And we could pull the rope, andthe bell would ring, and he
(17:46):
would come for supper, and wewould get to eat too. Oh my
goodness. Okay. This is huge. Sohow can we use the bell, like,
in the pasture to at least getpeople's attention or find a way
to make people safe or to helppeople know when to listen to
hear the therapist or something.
(18:06):
Oh my goodness. You guys, doesthis count? Do Christmas lights
and pasture bells count? Like,can that be a thing? I mean, I
know it's not super elaborate.
There are people who have sharedtheir worlds online who have,
like, even designed it on thecomputers or in Minecraft or
other programs. Not that's notgonna happen with us because
we're just not computer people.But we just that's not gonna be
(18:32):
our thing. But we can learn fromthat, and you have to start
somewhere. Right?
So even if that's all we've donesome so far, like, can that
count? Does that, like does thathelp? Are we on the right track,
or is this just crazy sauce? Idon't know what to do. And if we
(18:59):
could put a bell in the pastureto let people know it's safe,
can we put a different bell inthe woods to let people know
it's safe or when there's dangeror when the therapist needs to
help or we need to get thetherapist up.
Wait. What? Okay. So this hastotally blown my mind right now.
(19:26):
I just I don't know if this isthe right thing.
I don't wanna mess anything up.I feel like I've made two
changes that to me feel reallyhuge, and everyone else is gonna
be like, you're ridiculous. Butto me, it feels like a big deal.
(19:52):
This maybe is not the mostinformative podcast ever. I
don't know, but I feel like theworld has been shattered in,
like, a good way.
Like, somehow, all of a sudden,I feel very powerful. Like, not
in a bad way, but in anempowered kind of way. Like,
where else is scary and dark andalone, or who else is scared and
(20:18):
alone, and how can we help them?Like, that's my next question.
And so it feels veryoverwhelming, but also, like,
creative and freeing andempowering.
And I feel also at the same timefoolish that the therapist has
been working for a year to justtell me this, what we finally
(20:41):
figured out or understand. It'slike a breakthrough somehow. And
I need to just brainstorm andtalk to some of them that I am
able to talk to and journal inthe notebook so that others I
don't know how to talk to cansee it and see what ideas we
(21:04):
come up with. And maybe we canlet you know about that because
this is big, Really big. I don'tknow how people started or how
long it takes or if it's reallyhelping or whatever.
But I also know to be careful.Like, I don't wanna mess things
up for anybody. Like, I don'twanna go around putting in bells
(21:24):
if that's actually a bad thingfor somebody. It's not a bad
thing for anybody that I knowof. But if communication is the
one of the things that we'relearning about and talking
about, then before I startinstalling bells everywhere, I
should probably go, hey, guys.
Anyone have a problem withbells? Are bells okay? Because
(21:48):
they might be fine for me, butnot fine for somebody else. But
Christmas lights, the samething. Like, maybe that's okay
with somebody, but not okay withsomebody else.
But for us, it was okay, andit's worked. And they're still
there, like, a month later.She's not in the dark anymore,
you guys. Like, this is big. Soit also so, like ah, okay.
(22:13):
So it feels really big, and Ican see how it's such a global
thing and can impact everybodyfor better or for worse on the
inside. And so, yes,communication and inviting
people to participate andtalking about things before just
going around changing up theworld is gonna be really
important. But also, like, Ihave to think about it just for
(22:35):
me, from my own perspectivebecause I can't participate in
the group, meaning, like, oursystem, not the group, like, the
group session. I mean, we can'tI can't I myself cannot
participate in that kind ofconversation if I don't even
know what I need. And knowingwhat we need is really hard.
So why is that? I don't know. Iknow some things. I need
(23:01):
sunshine. I already said that.
Right? So that can go on mylist. I need dates with a
husband. That can go on my list.And for me, that means a couple
needs.
Like, I need sunshine because Idon't wanna be inside and
depressed all the time. Ugh.Gross. It makes me crazy. So the
husband has some depression, andthere are some others inside
(23:24):
that has some depression.
But I don't have depression, andI don't want it. And I don't
like living a depressed life. Sojust going for a walk in the
sunshine, even if the wind isstill cold, actually feels
really good to me. So walks. Ineed walks outside.
That's on my list. And then Idon't wanna parent all the time.
(23:46):
Parenting is not my job. It'snot why I'm here. It has nothing
to do with me.
Although, I can get into somepretty killer marshmallow
fights. So I need dates with thehusband where we're not talking
about parenting, where we don'thave kids with us, where we're
not in the hospital or dealingwith crises or having to do
(24:10):
responsible things. I need tojust play, like, like, hang out
and be fun, whatever. I alsoknow someone who, for safety,
and, again, not telling morethan what's my part to tell, but
for safety, like, our runner,needs to go on trips so that
(24:34):
we're legal and functional andcome back home. So we have to
plan things.
Right now, therapy is meetingthat need because therapy is
four hours away for us. So thatweekly trip is helping that the
weekly trip is helping thatneed. So that's an example.
(24:57):
Maybe that's not about worlds,though, except it keeps us from
hiding. Wait.
Would she need a place to hide?Could that be a thing? If we
have someone who wants to run tohide wait. What? I've literally
(25:17):
stopped in my tracks.
What if we just gave her a safeplace to hide? Can we do that?
Is that a thing? What would thatlook like? She's little.
(25:40):
I know that. I mean, not tiny,but she's younger. So what would
a safe place to hide look likefor someone who's younger? Oh my
goodness. My brain hurts.
This is all so big, and it's somuch. I feel like I feel like
(26:06):
I'm so powerful now. Like,things are popping up in front
of my eyes as I walk. I may havefinally lost my mind. Like, I
may have seriously lost my mind.
I'm totally just seeing thingsin the field as I walk through
on the trail. Oh, these areclues. I feel like they're
(26:33):
clues. The things that I'mseeing and the ideas I'm having.
Are they from other people?
Like, other insiders, and arethey responding already? What?
Okay. I feel like there's somekind of faucet that has been
turned on, and everything'schanging in a good way all of a
sudden. And I really can't,like, handle it or control it or
(26:56):
I don't know how to moderatethat or turn it off or turn it
down or if I just messedeverything up.
So maybe maybe I need to stophere and, like, take a break and
check-in with the therapistbefore I destroy the world as we
know it. Because we've eitherhad a very serious breakthrough
(27:21):
that's huge and good andamazing, even though there's
still a lot of work to it ahead,or I really messed things up,
which is also likely in my case.I don't know. So tell me what
you know about internal worlds,which videos are your favorite
about internal worlds, and howdid you learn to do that for
(27:43):
your system? What is good?
What's not good? What's helpful,not helpful? Important to
remember, how do you be carefulso that, like, people feel
included and something thathelps one person doesn't trigger
someone else. Things like thatare the things I'm thinking
about. So we'll check-in againafter we do this or try it or
(28:05):
start or talk to the therapistor something.
We might just explode. There'sgonna be pieces of us
everywhere. I don't know. Rightnow, I'm gonna walk home before
I get lost because now it feelskinda risky. So thanks for
listening.
Bye. Thank you for listening.Your support of the podcast, the
(28:31):
workbooks, and the communitymeans so much to us as we try to
create something together that'snever been done before, not like
this. Connection brings healing,and you can join us on the
We'll see you there.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Ridiculous History
History is beautiful, brutal and, often, ridiculous. Join Ben Bowlin and Noel Brown as they dive into some of the weirdest stories from across the span of human civilization in Ridiculous History, a podcast by iHeartRadio.