July 24, 2017 • 31 mins
We explain about different “hosts” and tell the story of the Three Emmas: Emma Z dealt with what happened to us in shiny-happy-college, Emma T dealt with life after and dating girls, and then Emma S (C) married Nathan for safety after knowing him two weeks and without any sexual contact. We share what co-consciousness is and how therapy has helped with blending.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Over
Speaker 2 (00:13):
a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder.
If you are new to the podcast,we recommend starting at the
beginning episodes and listen inorder to hear our story and what
we have learned through thisendeavor. Current episodes may
be more applicable to longtimelisteners and are likely to
contain more advanced topics,emotional or other triggering
(00:34):
content, and or referenceearlier episodes that provide
more context to what we arecurrently learning and
experiencing. As always, pleasecare for yourself during and
after listening to the podcast.Thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
This is new, and it just happened recently to the
three of us. And I'm stilltrying to find words to explain
it, but I thought if I could,then maybe it would be more
helpful to some of the otherswho don't understand what's
going on or how we did it or whywe did it. We didn't mean to do
(01:24):
it, but it just sort ofhappened. But to understand,
first, I have to tell you astory. The story goes back a
long way, and there are somereferences to my family and to
some abuse in general, butthere's nothing graphic or
specific that I'm going toinclude because that's not
(01:47):
necessary.
The first story, it's about EmmaZ. We ran away from home when we
were 17. Why that happened is adifferent story, and I'm not
telling that one today. But thepoint is, in our senior year of
(02:13):
high school, we ran away fromhome. We were too old to go into
foster care, they said, eventhough we had been in foster
care before.
So we were emancipated by thejudge on the condition that we
continue nannying so we had aplace to live and finish school.
(02:39):
So we were a nanny and took careof some children in exchange for
a place to sleep and food toeat. That way, we were able to
finish school but didn't have tolive at home. So we live with
this family, this woman, asingle mother, and took care of
(03:04):
her children. When it was timeto go to college, the woman
drove us to our school, whichwas kind of her.
And she showed us around andgave us a tour because she had
gone to college at the sameplace. That was all good until
(03:24):
we were in the enrollment lineand came upon the table where we
met the dean of women. The deanof women was also the counselor
for the college. She was notlicensed, but she was the
counselor. And in the enrollmentline, this woman we had nannied
(03:49):
for told the counselor that wehad abused and had nightmares
and needed help.
So she signed me up forcounseling as part of the school
for free with this woman. Thatwas our first counselor outside
of foster care. We wanted tostay in school, so we did try
(04:12):
hard. And we talked with her,and she made us keep a journal.
And that was our first timejournaling with a therapist.
What we didn't know was that shewas mailing our journal home.
And the more that we talkedabout certain things from the
past, the more that thingsseemed to escalate a bit. So to
(04:37):
go around much of the story,ultimately, what happened was
things escalated. They calledthe parents on the campus who
were not even in contact with meand I was hiding from, told them
where I was, and made them cometo campus and gave them
everything we had written, allof our journals, all of the
(05:00):
papers from school, everythingwe had written that had anything
to do with our family and gaveit to the parents. Things
escalated so much, and we werenot functioning that we ended up
being diagnosed then with DID,being sent two hours away to a
(05:22):
larger town to a DID specialistwho confirmed the diagnosis.
But we had to continue going tothat therapist on condition of
being able to stay in school. Soshe would not let us stay in
school unless we saw thistherapist. But our family would
(05:44):
not participate, and there wasall kinds of drama because they
found out we were tellingthings, and that's a different
story. But because the parentswould not participate, then they
started sending me every week totherapy driven by the psychology
professor's wife. So she droveus to therapy every week, two
(06:11):
hours away, and then back toschool, two more hours of
driving.
And we did this all throughschool. That's how we met our
first DID therapist who wasspecifically trained in therapy
(06:32):
for DID. We were 17 years old atthe time. We saw her for several
years, but the safety with mybiological family continued to
be an issue, and thecomplications from the school
(06:59):
made it more difficult. So thetherapist found a safe house for
us to stay in for a season dueto safety concerns from the
biological family and someissues they were sorting out
with the school.
(07:21):
This is a very specific time inour life, running away from home
to being diagnosed in collegeand moving to live in this safe
home and staying there whilehaving therapy for DID. This
place did a good job caring forus and helping us keep helping
(07:46):
us be safe, And we had ahospitalization during this time
to learn about safety internallyand different ways of
communication. So once we aremore stable and ready to return
to school and safe from thebiological family, the people in
(08:08):
charge of the program very muchwanted us to go to a particular
school to pursue the things wehad chosen to study. However,
because we were still sortingout the internal things, not
everybody inside was on board asa system. And there were a few
(08:30):
who rebelled against beingcontained in the safe house
instead of being free to gowhere we want, and it felt
triggering of some other thingswe had already been through in
the past.
So even though we as a whole, tothe best we could at that time,
understand understood that theymeant well, there were many
(08:53):
things that did not feel goodeven though we knew they meant
well. And so we left. So thatwas the second time in our life
we had run away. This time, weactually left the country. We
knew how to travel a lot becausegrowing up, our family was a
(09:15):
military family.
So this time, we left thecountry. We didn't just run away
a bit. We ran far away. We hadgrown up in a military family,
and we knew how to get aroundand how to move. And there was a
specific one of us inside whowas really good at running away.
And during these years, she gotbetter at running away. For
(09:38):
several years, no one knew wherewe were at all or what we were
doing or that we were safe.Inside, we didn't know what was
happening, and she was outsideand not telling anyone. We did
manage to go to graduate schooland finish at another school,
(09:59):
But this time, being careful notto tell anyone about us or
anything from our past or makemany friends, we began to stay
pretty isolated for our ownsafety because last time, when
we had tried to ask for help,the people had actually kept us
there, and it felt likerepeating the past even though
they were trying to help us.During this time, in a new
(10:26):
place, in a new country, at anew school, it was such a new
beginning and so far fromeverything and feeling so safe
to be that far away from ourbiological family that there was
a creation of a new altar atthat time.
We also, to get further awayfrom our biological family,
(10:47):
legally changed our name duringthose years. So we became from
Emma C to MST. So then therewere two MS, MSC and MST. And as
things settled with MST and wefelt more safe, there were more
(11:09):
of us that came out again duringthat time and got to go back to
doing the things we knew how todo. We did a pretty good job of
it, being able to finish schooland being able to date people
and try to meet people and tohave friends again.
It was not perfect. We as wehave mentioned in the past, we
(11:33):
had several encounters withdating alcoholics, and that was
a very difficult time and tookquite a lot of therapy to get
through and to get over, but wemanaged to do it over much, much
time. Also during these years,Emma T only dated girls. Emma T
(12:00):
never dated boys and a therapistasked how we had come out to
ourselves or changed oursexuality as an adult. But the
truth is MSE, who had grown up,had never dated anyone.
We did not date anyone in highschool or in college at all. We
(12:23):
were too frightened and tooafraid because of the things we
had already been through. ButMIT dated quite a lot and not
always very wisely. And we gotin lots of messes, primarily
relationship messes. So it was aseason of functioning very high
professionally, but not doingwell at all personally and being
(12:47):
far from home resources that weknew or people who could help
us.
There are many other things thatmany of us went through during
those years, but those would bewhen MIT was host instead of MSZ
being host. So then the thirdstory I wanted to tell you is
(13:08):
when we met the husband. We metthe husband through family and
friends that we had in common.Doctor. E worked with the
husband's cousin, and he is theone who introduced us together.
We had at that time not beendating anyone and had decided we
(13:32):
did not want to date anyone everbecause it had always been such
a bad experience in the past andso difficult. But he was very
steady and very kind and verynon intrusive and did not
pressure us in any way. In fact,even before we married, we had
never even kissed. So he feltvery safe and good for us in
(14:00):
ways we had not had in the past,even though it was not
necessarily a traditional sortof marriage. But for the first
time, we were back in The Statesand we were working well
professionally and doing muchbetter personally because we
were stable and safe as far asour environment goes.
(14:25):
During the years of meeting thehusband, we had not had any
therapies. We talked to thehusband online for several
months, writing letters back andforth and talking on the phone.
We met him once for a week,every day, seeing him every day
(14:47):
while he was in the same townvisiting his family. We
literally only saw him six days,every day for six days, while he
was in town visiting his family.And then he flew back to New
York and we did not see himagain for six months.
(15:11):
And then we went to New York tovisit and stayed in a friend's
apartment. So I did not staywith him or have any physical or
sexual contact with him. And heshowed us around New York and
talked to us about New Yorkbecause he's a writer there. And
(15:35):
we enjoyed our visit, and we gotengaged and got married two
weeks later, having only spenttwo weeks together in person. We
had never thought that we wouldmarry a man.
We had never thought that wecould be with a man or that we
(15:56):
would be interested with a man.But we knew that he was a safe
place and we could feel that fora number of reasons it was the
right thing to do. And for thefirst time, we felt very safe.
However, that changed our nameto Emma S. And because we were
(16:20):
so anxious about getting marriedand living with a man, this also
became a new time of a newaltar, Emma S.
So very briefly, without lots ofdetails, that is how there came
to be three Emma's, Emma z, Emmat, and Emma s. The difference is
(16:48):
during the times the differentEmmas were host, the rest of us,
some of us, still did our thingand came out different times.
While the different Emmas weretaking turns being hosts during
those different years, the restof the others still came out to
(17:10):
do the things they needed orwanted to do, but our life was
very different depending on whowas host. Emma Z never dated at
all or had any relationshipsthat were dating or romantic
relationships. She also lived inThe States, and it was during
(17:31):
undergrad school years asopposed to Emma T, who went to
grad school outside The UnitedStates, spoke a different
language than Emma Z, and onlydated women.
And then Emma S was back in TheStates, not in school at all,
(17:56):
and married a man. So in thisone little example, trying to
use a timeline and trying topractice telling a cohesive
story of our history, That ishow there were three Emma's,
Emma Z, Emma T, and Emma S. Thedifficulty with this is that
(18:19):
because they were host, therewas a lot that they did not know
about everything else that wasgoing on. So T could not know
why we had left The States orwhy things were so bad or why we
were so alone. So amity oftenfelt very lonely and felt very
(18:44):
desperate for positiveconnections and relationships,
but really struggled to findthem.
And then as we had worked sohard to get away from the
biological family, MS sort ofwalked right back into them,
coming back to The States. Theyhad been looking for us for more
than ten years. By then, theparents were old, and Emma S.
(19:10):
Tried very hard to reconcile tothem. The father would not
forgive her for telling at theschool when MSE told about the
stories and wrote them in thejournals.
Her mother Her mother was moreunwell than in the past because
(19:32):
she was older, but MS moved herinto her home and tried to care
for her until she died. Thesewere difficult years for MIS and
for the others who had worked sohard to get away from the
parents. Also, while the husbandis not judgmental or oppressive
(20:01):
person at all, she did marryinto a very conservative family.
And so there is a lot about theyears with MRT that she cannot
express directly or talk aboutor pursue until she and the
husband had talked about theseissues in therapy and come to
(20:21):
more arrangements. This gotbetter with time between therapy
and talking with the husband andbeing accepted by him, but they
were difficult years.
So these different issuesseparated further the different
MR's, MLZ, MRT and MS. However,over the last year in therapy
(20:46):
something has happened and thisis I want to talk to you about.
We have worked very hard on somethings, like feeling safe and
knowing that now time is safeand knowing what and who is
safe. We have also worked veryhard on trying to be aware of
(21:07):
each other and journaling thenotebooks again, even though the
notebooks themselves were atrigger because of what happened
in college. We have also workedvery hard on trying to put
together some timelines just forour own peace of mind,
understanding where we havebeen, what we have been doing,
(21:28):
and what is the story of theothers and what they need.
As we have processed some ofthese things, there have been
connections that have comeabout, including finding the
original therapist from college,who was actually one of the
people that trained thetherapist we have now. And so we
(21:52):
were able to write her a letterand talk to her about some
things with the help of ourtherapist. And through that
experience, there were manythings that Emma S, who is the
host now, and Emma Z began tounderstand about each other. And
(22:14):
then because we talked so muchabout the running away, because
the running away became a safetyissue, so we had to address it
at the beginning of therapy. Andbecause we had to work out the
relationship issues with thehusband and what that means for
(22:36):
all of us, we also had to becomevery aware of Emeti.
And so I'm telling the veryshort and simple version of it,
but because of this work, Emma Zand Emma T and MS have begun to
(22:56):
understand more and more of eachother. I do not mean
understanding more of the othersinside, only amongst the three
of them. And now, what hashappened most recently is that
Emma S, who is the current hoston the outside normally to the
(23:17):
rest of the world, although notvery much on the podcast, but
she has begun to remember moreand more things from Emma Z and
MST. So I want I want to beclear about this because it's
very strange to talk about, andwe are still learning words for
(23:39):
it ourselves. So like always, ifwe say something wrong, we offer
our apologies because we areusing words the best that we can
to describe our own experience.
We do not mean it is the sameexperience for everyone. What is
happening is that the more allthree MS become aware of each
other and what they have beenthrough and what they need now
(24:03):
and communicating about theseissues and working them out and
working together then more andmore they become present with
each other I am not saying thatthey are only one or that they
are one or that two of them havebecome one or that one of them
(24:29):
is lost or gone. There's nothingabout them disappearing. We can
see all three of them. We canhear all three of them.
But those three, all three ofthem can understand each other
and be present together and beout front together sometimes
(24:52):
this is very new for us I wantto read something I learned
because it is the first time Iknew words for it. Because this
happening more and more, we havenot had a chance to talk about
it in therapy yet because of allthe things that have been
happening and the holidays andthe time away from therapy and
(25:16):
missing appointments. So wedon't have words for it, but we
found words for it on the powerto the plurals page when they
are sharing articles every weekthat are teaching us about DID.
But in article three, it talksabout this and says it is called
(25:38):
co consciousness and cofronting. I want to read a tiny
part with permission.
It says from the CambridgeDictionary that consciousness is
explained as noticing likeawareness. Right? So it says or
(26:00):
to the Cambridge Dictionaryexplains consciousness with the
word noticing, or to notice thata particular thing or person
exists or is present. So beingco conscious is all about being
present in the here and now,knowing where and when you are.
(26:21):
When we use the term CoConsciousness, we refer to a
state where two or more altersare actively aware, they notice
and know what is going on aroundthem.
What is happening in their lifeat this moment in time. Whereas
in a classic DID situation, onealter at the time fronts and the
(26:44):
other alters have no awarenessor lose time due to amnesia. So
this is a new thing and whatit's saying is that when one of
the MS is out, the other twoEmmas still know what is going
on, which is new. But also theone that is out now has access
(27:09):
to things that have happened inthe past to the other two Emmas.
And so it is a new thing, andthere are many good things about
this, and there are many morechallenging things about this.
And so in coming weeks, we'll betalking about some of these
things as we experience them oras we share about them because
(27:30):
it's a new thing we've not hadbefore and a new thing specific
to these three. The other thingthat article talked about was
how it helps to be co consciousif you are working together on
the same thing. And I think thatthis is part of why it happened
with the three MS because therewere specific issues we have
(27:55):
been working on together thatthey share for over a year in
therapy. And so in therapy,because we have been working on
these specific things aboutsafety and about our timeline
and about some interactionsbeing back in the present with
the same people from in thepast, but in good ways and safe
(28:16):
ways, not just abusers from thepast, but connecting these
pieces together and making thempresent for all three of them,
which has never happened to usin the before, has never
happened to us before. And Ithink it is because of these
things happening that now thisco consciousness is happening
(28:38):
with them.
So there's a lot more to talkabout for co consciousness and a
lot more to talk about foraffronting together, but it is
not something that we know a lotabout yet because it is new and
only in the context of the threeMS, not anyone else yet in the
system with others in thesystem. So we will have to wait
(29:02):
and find out and see what ishappening, and we can share and
explain it as it goes. But Iwanted to tell you that this is
something that we will betalking about and sharing
because it is a big change inour system and something that is
(29:23):
new and different for the threeImas. And it also has an impact
on the rest of us because itchanges how hosting happens. It
changes how we get to the frontand some other things that it
has an impact on.
Also, there are things that makethere are also some things that
(29:47):
are harder because now now thatMS knows about Emmett T, for
example, it changes some of thethoughts and feelings that she
has about relationships ordating or being married. Not
that it's changing ourdecisions. It changes our
experience or understanding ormakes things easier or harder in
(30:13):
some ways. And so there are newissues to work out as there are
changes that happen with thesystem, then we all it that also
changes how we interact with theworld around us. And so there
are new things we have tonavigate and decide and work out
as a system in ways we never hadbefore.
That's part of what we'll betalking about in the future. So
(30:37):
maybe it is a small thing toyou, or maybe you are someone
who already understands it, ormaybe you have been co conscious
with another part of your systemfor a long time, or maybe you
are just learning about it as weare. But I wanted to share that,
and that's what we wanted totalk about today. And so we will
talk about it more and thank youfor listening even while we're
(31:03):
learning new things in such asimple way. We are grateful for
your support and for your helpand for the things that you have
taught us as we learn.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
Thank you for listening. Your support really
helps us feel less alone whilewe sort through all of this and
learn together. Maybe it willhelp you in some ways too. You
can connect with us on Patreonby going to our website at
www.systemspeak.org. If there'sanything we've learned, it's
that connection brings healing.
(31:43):
We look forward to connectingwith you.
Over
Speaker 2 (00:13):
a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder.
If you are new to the podcast,we recommend starting at the
beginning episodes and listen inorder to hear our story and what
we have learned through thisendeavor. Current episodes may
be more applicable to longtimelisteners and are likely to
contain more advanced topics,emotional or other triggering
(00:34):
content, and or referenceearlier episodes that provide
more context to what we arecurrently learning and
experiencing. As always, pleasecare for yourself during and
after listening to the podcast.Thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
This is new, and it just happened recently to the
three of us. And I'm stilltrying to find words to explain
it, but I thought if I could,then maybe it would be more
helpful to some of the otherswho don't understand what's
going on or how we did it or whywe did it. We didn't mean to do
(01:24):
it, but it just sort ofhappened. But to understand,
first, I have to tell you astory. The story goes back a
long way, and there are somereferences to my family and to
some abuse in general, butthere's nothing graphic or
specific that I'm going toinclude because that's not
(01:47):
necessary.
The first story, it's about EmmaZ. We ran away from home when we
were 17. Why that happened is adifferent story, and I'm not
telling that one today. But thepoint is, in our senior year of
(02:13):
high school, we ran away fromhome. We were too old to go into
foster care, they said, eventhough we had been in foster
care before.
So we were emancipated by thejudge on the condition that we
continue nannying so we had aplace to live and finish school.
(02:39):
So we were a nanny and took careof some children in exchange for
a place to sleep and food toeat. That way, we were able to
finish school but didn't have tolive at home. So we live with
this family, this woman, asingle mother, and took care of
(03:04):
her children. When it was timeto go to college, the woman
drove us to our school, whichwas kind of her.
And she showed us around andgave us a tour because she had
gone to college at the sameplace. That was all good until
(03:24):
we were in the enrollment lineand came upon the table where we
met the dean of women. The deanof women was also the counselor
for the college. She was notlicensed, but she was the
counselor. And in the enrollmentline, this woman we had nannied
(03:49):
for told the counselor that wehad abused and had nightmares
and needed help.
So she signed me up forcounseling as part of the school
for free with this woman. Thatwas our first counselor outside
of foster care. We wanted tostay in school, so we did try
(04:12):
hard. And we talked with her,and she made us keep a journal.
And that was our first timejournaling with a therapist.
What we didn't know was that shewas mailing our journal home.
And the more that we talkedabout certain things from the
past, the more that thingsseemed to escalate a bit. So to
(04:37):
go around much of the story,ultimately, what happened was
things escalated. They calledthe parents on the campus who
were not even in contact with meand I was hiding from, told them
where I was, and made them cometo campus and gave them
everything we had written, allof our journals, all of the
(05:00):
papers from school, everythingwe had written that had anything
to do with our family and gaveit to the parents. Things
escalated so much, and we werenot functioning that we ended up
being diagnosed then with DID,being sent two hours away to a
(05:22):
larger town to a DID specialistwho confirmed the diagnosis.
But we had to continue going tothat therapist on condition of
being able to stay in school. Soshe would not let us stay in
school unless we saw thistherapist. But our family would
(05:44):
not participate, and there wasall kinds of drama because they
found out we were tellingthings, and that's a different
story. But because the parentswould not participate, then they
started sending me every week totherapy driven by the psychology
professor's wife. So she droveus to therapy every week, two
(06:11):
hours away, and then back toschool, two more hours of
driving.
And we did this all throughschool. That's how we met our
first DID therapist who wasspecifically trained in therapy
(06:32):
for DID. We were 17 years old atthe time. We saw her for several
years, but the safety with mybiological family continued to
be an issue, and thecomplications from the school
(06:59):
made it more difficult. So thetherapist found a safe house for
us to stay in for a season dueto safety concerns from the
biological family and someissues they were sorting out
with the school.
(07:21):
This is a very specific time inour life, running away from home
to being diagnosed in collegeand moving to live in this safe
home and staying there whilehaving therapy for DID. This
place did a good job caring forus and helping us keep helping
(07:46):
us be safe, And we had ahospitalization during this time
to learn about safety internallyand different ways of
communication. So once we aremore stable and ready to return
to school and safe from thebiological family, the people in
(08:08):
charge of the program very muchwanted us to go to a particular
school to pursue the things wehad chosen to study. However,
because we were still sortingout the internal things, not
everybody inside was on board asa system. And there were a few
(08:30):
who rebelled against beingcontained in the safe house
instead of being free to gowhere we want, and it felt
triggering of some other thingswe had already been through in
the past.
So even though we as a whole, tothe best we could at that time,
understand understood that theymeant well, there were many
(08:53):
things that did not feel goodeven though we knew they meant
well. And so we left. So thatwas the second time in our life
we had run away. This time, weactually left the country. We
knew how to travel a lot becausegrowing up, our family was a
(09:15):
military family.
So this time, we left thecountry. We didn't just run away
a bit. We ran far away. We hadgrown up in a military family,
and we knew how to get aroundand how to move. And there was a
specific one of us inside whowas really good at running away.
And during these years, she gotbetter at running away. For
(09:38):
several years, no one knew wherewe were at all or what we were
doing or that we were safe.Inside, we didn't know what was
happening, and she was outsideand not telling anyone. We did
manage to go to graduate schooland finish at another school,
(09:59):
But this time, being careful notto tell anyone about us or
anything from our past or makemany friends, we began to stay
pretty isolated for our ownsafety because last time, when
we had tried to ask for help,the people had actually kept us
there, and it felt likerepeating the past even though
they were trying to help us.During this time, in a new
(10:26):
place, in a new country, at anew school, it was such a new
beginning and so far fromeverything and feeling so safe
to be that far away from ourbiological family that there was
a creation of a new altar atthat time.
We also, to get further awayfrom our biological family,
(10:47):
legally changed our name duringthose years. So we became from
Emma C to MST. So then therewere two MS, MSC and MST. And as
things settled with MST and wefelt more safe, there were more
(11:09):
of us that came out again duringthat time and got to go back to
doing the things we knew how todo. We did a pretty good job of
it, being able to finish schooland being able to date people
and try to meet people and tohave friends again.
It was not perfect. We as wehave mentioned in the past, we
(11:33):
had several encounters withdating alcoholics, and that was
a very difficult time and tookquite a lot of therapy to get
through and to get over, but wemanaged to do it over much, much
time. Also during these years,Emma T only dated girls. Emma T
(12:00):
never dated boys and a therapistasked how we had come out to
ourselves or changed oursexuality as an adult. But the
truth is MSE, who had grown up,had never dated anyone.
We did not date anyone in highschool or in college at all. We
(12:23):
were too frightened and tooafraid because of the things we
had already been through. ButMIT dated quite a lot and not
always very wisely. And we gotin lots of messes, primarily
relationship messes. So it was aseason of functioning very high
professionally, but not doingwell at all personally and being
(12:47):
far from home resources that weknew or people who could help
us.
There are many other things thatmany of us went through during
those years, but those would bewhen MIT was host instead of MSZ
being host. So then the thirdstory I wanted to tell you is
(13:08):
when we met the husband. We metthe husband through family and
friends that we had in common.Doctor. E worked with the
husband's cousin, and he is theone who introduced us together.
We had at that time not beendating anyone and had decided we
(13:32):
did not want to date anyone everbecause it had always been such
a bad experience in the past andso difficult. But he was very
steady and very kind and verynon intrusive and did not
pressure us in any way. In fact,even before we married, we had
never even kissed. So he feltvery safe and good for us in
(14:00):
ways we had not had in the past,even though it was not
necessarily a traditional sortof marriage. But for the first
time, we were back in The Statesand we were working well
professionally and doing muchbetter personally because we
were stable and safe as far asour environment goes.
(14:25):
During the years of meeting thehusband, we had not had any
therapies. We talked to thehusband online for several
months, writing letters back andforth and talking on the phone.
We met him once for a week,every day, seeing him every day
(14:47):
while he was in the same townvisiting his family. We
literally only saw him six days,every day for six days, while he
was in town visiting his family.And then he flew back to New
York and we did not see himagain for six months.
(15:11):
And then we went to New York tovisit and stayed in a friend's
apartment. So I did not staywith him or have any physical or
sexual contact with him. And heshowed us around New York and
talked to us about New Yorkbecause he's a writer there. And
(15:35):
we enjoyed our visit, and we gotengaged and got married two
weeks later, having only spenttwo weeks together in person. We
had never thought that we wouldmarry a man.
We had never thought that wecould be with a man or that we
(15:56):
would be interested with a man.But we knew that he was a safe
place and we could feel that fora number of reasons it was the
right thing to do. And for thefirst time, we felt very safe.
However, that changed our nameto Emma S. And because we were
(16:20):
so anxious about getting marriedand living with a man, this also
became a new time of a newaltar, Emma S.
So very briefly, without lots ofdetails, that is how there came
to be three Emma's, Emma z, Emmat, and Emma s. The difference is
(16:48):
during the times the differentEmmas were host, the rest of us,
some of us, still did our thingand came out different times.
While the different Emmas weretaking turns being hosts during
those different years, the restof the others still came out to
(17:10):
do the things they needed orwanted to do, but our life was
very different depending on whowas host. Emma Z never dated at
all or had any relationshipsthat were dating or romantic
relationships. She also lived inThe States, and it was during
(17:31):
undergrad school years asopposed to Emma T, who went to
grad school outside The UnitedStates, spoke a different
language than Emma Z, and onlydated women.
And then Emma S was back in TheStates, not in school at all,
(17:56):
and married a man. So in thisone little example, trying to
use a timeline and trying topractice telling a cohesive
story of our history, That ishow there were three Emma's,
Emma Z, Emma T, and Emma S. Thedifficulty with this is that
(18:19):
because they were host, therewas a lot that they did not know
about everything else that wasgoing on. So T could not know
why we had left The States orwhy things were so bad or why we
were so alone. So amity oftenfelt very lonely and felt very
(18:44):
desperate for positiveconnections and relationships,
but really struggled to findthem.
And then as we had worked sohard to get away from the
biological family, MS sort ofwalked right back into them,
coming back to The States. Theyhad been looking for us for more
than ten years. By then, theparents were old, and Emma S.
(19:10):
Tried very hard to reconcile tothem. The father would not
forgive her for telling at theschool when MSE told about the
stories and wrote them in thejournals.
Her mother Her mother was moreunwell than in the past because
(19:32):
she was older, but MS moved herinto her home and tried to care
for her until she died. Thesewere difficult years for MIS and
for the others who had worked sohard to get away from the
parents. Also, while the husbandis not judgmental or oppressive
(20:01):
person at all, she did marryinto a very conservative family.
And so there is a lot about theyears with MRT that she cannot
express directly or talk aboutor pursue until she and the
husband had talked about theseissues in therapy and come to
(20:21):
more arrangements. This gotbetter with time between therapy
and talking with the husband andbeing accepted by him, but they
were difficult years.
So these different issuesseparated further the different
MR's, MLZ, MRT and MS. However,over the last year in therapy
(20:46):
something has happened and thisis I want to talk to you about.
We have worked very hard on somethings, like feeling safe and
knowing that now time is safeand knowing what and who is
safe. We have also worked veryhard on trying to be aware of
(21:07):
each other and journaling thenotebooks again, even though the
notebooks themselves were atrigger because of what happened
in college. We have also workedvery hard on trying to put
together some timelines just forour own peace of mind,
understanding where we havebeen, what we have been doing,
(21:28):
and what is the story of theothers and what they need.
As we have processed some ofthese things, there have been
connections that have comeabout, including finding the
original therapist from college,who was actually one of the
people that trained thetherapist we have now. And so we
(21:52):
were able to write her a letterand talk to her about some
things with the help of ourtherapist. And through that
experience, there were manythings that Emma S, who is the
host now, and Emma Z began tounderstand about each other. And
(22:14):
then because we talked so muchabout the running away, because
the running away became a safetyissue, so we had to address it
at the beginning of therapy. Andbecause we had to work out the
relationship issues with thehusband and what that means for
(22:36):
all of us, we also had to becomevery aware of Emeti.
And so I'm telling the veryshort and simple version of it,
but because of this work, Emma Zand Emma T and MS have begun to
(22:56):
understand more and more of eachother. I do not mean
understanding more of the othersinside, only amongst the three
of them. And now, what hashappened most recently is that
Emma S, who is the current hoston the outside normally to the
(23:17):
rest of the world, although notvery much on the podcast, but
she has begun to remember moreand more things from Emma Z and
MST. So I want I want to beclear about this because it's
very strange to talk about, andwe are still learning words for
(23:39):
it ourselves. So like always, ifwe say something wrong, we offer
our apologies because we areusing words the best that we can
to describe our own experience.
We do not mean it is the sameexperience for everyone. What is
happening is that the more allthree MS become aware of each
other and what they have beenthrough and what they need now
(24:03):
and communicating about theseissues and working them out and
working together then more andmore they become present with
each other I am not saying thatthey are only one or that they
are one or that two of them havebecome one or that one of them
(24:29):
is lost or gone. There's nothingabout them disappearing. We can
see all three of them. We canhear all three of them.
But those three, all three ofthem can understand each other
and be present together and beout front together sometimes
(24:52):
this is very new for us I wantto read something I learned
because it is the first time Iknew words for it. Because this
happening more and more, we havenot had a chance to talk about
it in therapy yet because of allthe things that have been
happening and the holidays andthe time away from therapy and
(25:16):
missing appointments. So wedon't have words for it, but we
found words for it on the powerto the plurals page when they
are sharing articles every weekthat are teaching us about DID.
But in article three, it talksabout this and says it is called
(25:38):
co consciousness and cofronting. I want to read a tiny
part with permission.
It says from the CambridgeDictionary that consciousness is
explained as noticing likeawareness. Right? So it says or
(26:00):
to the Cambridge Dictionaryexplains consciousness with the
word noticing, or to notice thata particular thing or person
exists or is present. So beingco conscious is all about being
present in the here and now,knowing where and when you are.
(26:21):
When we use the term CoConsciousness, we refer to a
state where two or more altersare actively aware, they notice
and know what is going on aroundthem.
What is happening in their lifeat this moment in time. Whereas
in a classic DID situation, onealter at the time fronts and the
(26:44):
other alters have no awarenessor lose time due to amnesia. So
this is a new thing and whatit's saying is that when one of
the MS is out, the other twoEmmas still know what is going
on, which is new. But also theone that is out now has access
(27:09):
to things that have happened inthe past to the other two Emmas.
And so it is a new thing, andthere are many good things about
this, and there are many morechallenging things about this.
And so in coming weeks, we'll betalking about some of these
things as we experience them oras we share about them because
(27:30):
it's a new thing we've not hadbefore and a new thing specific
to these three. The other thingthat article talked about was
how it helps to be co consciousif you are working together on
the same thing. And I think thatthis is part of why it happened
with the three MS because therewere specific issues we have
(27:55):
been working on together thatthey share for over a year in
therapy. And so in therapy,because we have been working on
these specific things aboutsafety and about our timeline
and about some interactionsbeing back in the present with
the same people from in thepast, but in good ways and safe
(28:16):
ways, not just abusers from thepast, but connecting these
pieces together and making thempresent for all three of them,
which has never happened to usin the before, has never
happened to us before. And Ithink it is because of these
things happening that now thisco consciousness is happening
(28:38):
with them.
So there's a lot more to talkabout for co consciousness and a
lot more to talk about foraffronting together, but it is
not something that we know a lotabout yet because it is new and
only in the context of the threeMS, not anyone else yet in the
system with others in thesystem. So we will have to wait
(29:02):
and find out and see what ishappening, and we can share and
explain it as it goes. But Iwanted to tell you that this is
something that we will betalking about and sharing
because it is a big change inour system and something that is
(29:23):
new and different for the threeImas. And it also has an impact
on the rest of us because itchanges how hosting happens. It
changes how we get to the frontand some other things that it
has an impact on.
Also, there are things that makethere are also some things that
(29:47):
are harder because now now thatMS knows about Emmett T, for
example, it changes some of thethoughts and feelings that she
has about relationships ordating or being married. Not
that it's changing ourdecisions. It changes our
experience or understanding ormakes things easier or harder in
(30:13):
some ways. And so there are newissues to work out as there are
changes that happen with thesystem, then we all it that also
changes how we interact with theworld around us. And so there
are new things we have tonavigate and decide and work out
as a system in ways we never hadbefore.
That's part of what we'll betalking about in the future. So
(30:37):
maybe it is a small thing toyou, or maybe you are someone
who already understands it, ormaybe you have been co conscious
with another part of your systemfor a long time, or maybe you
are just learning about it as weare. But I wanted to share that,
and that's what we wanted totalk about today. And so we will
talk about it more and thank youfor listening even while we're
(31:03):
learning new things in such asimple way. We are grateful for
your support and for your helpand for the things that you have
taught us as we learn.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
Thank you for listening. Your support really
helps us feel less alone whilewe sort through all of this and
learn together. Maybe it willhelp you in some ways too. You
can connect with us on Patreonby going to our website at
www.systemspeak.org. If there'sanything we've learned, it's
that connection brings healing.
(31:43):
We look forward to connectingwith you.
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