#10 - Apple’s Genius Tariff Solution: Why Assemble Your Own iPhone When You Can Pay More for the Privilege?

It was the best of times for Apple shareholders, it was the worst of times for anyone who thought they understood how capitalism was supposed to work. In the gleaming towers of Cupertino, where executives in $700 hoodies contemplate the profound mysteries of profit margin optimization, a solution to the US-engineered tariff crisis emerged that was so audaciously cynical it could only have been conceived by minds unencumbered by shame or basic human decency.

The announcement came with the characteristic Apple fanfare: a carefully choreographed presentation where Chief Revenue Optimization Officer Miranda Sterling stood before a backdrop of minimalist white curves and declared that Apple had “reimagined the iPhone experience to empower users with unprecedented customization opportunities.” What she meant, in language comprehensible to those not fluent in corporate doublespeak, was that Apple had decided to make customers assemble their own phones while somehow charging them more for the privilege.

The genius of the plan lies not in its innovation—humans have been assembling electronics for decades—but in its breathtaking transformation of necessity into premium experience. Faced with tariffs that threatened to reduce their profit margins from “obscene” to merely “unconscionable,” Apple’s leadership team asked themselves a profound question: “How can we make our customers pay for our problems while convincing them they’re getting a deal?”

Source: TechOnion.org

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