The Not-So-Subtle Art of Complaining
Most of us complain, but is it good or bad? What makes it productive or toxic?
Overview of what will be covered:
- Common language patterns of complaining
- The benefits and downsides of complaining
- How to shift from chronic complaining
The Language of Complaints
This was discovered by using AI to analyze posts on a social media platform that contained complaints. We then used the NLP Meta Model pattern to refine the search and find the 8 most common language patterns in complaints. Four of the most common patterns fit into the Meta Model, and AI discovered four patterns that are unique to complaining.
Discuss the top 8 common language patterns of complaining:
- Negative Personal Attribution (e.g., “He’s rude,” “They’re such idiots.”) Lost Evaluator or Lost Performative
- Absolute Overgeneralization – Never, Always, Nothing, etc. (“They never listen”) Universal Quantifier
- Modal Operators – Can’t, Should, Need to (“She should know better.”)
- Cause/Effect Statements (“Because they lied, I’m mad,” “He’s late again, so it’s pointless now.”)
- Rhetorical Venting Questions - Why and How (“Why are people so annoying?”)
- Hyperbolic Adverbs – Totally, Absolutely, Completely (“This is totally unfair”)
- “Keeps” Phrases - (“She keeps yelling.” “This keeps happening.”)
- Sarcasm - “Thanks/Good Job” (“Oh, great job!”)
Recognizing these patterns can help us avoid chronic complaining, lessen its negative impact on ourselves, or better understand how to deal with people who complain to us.
The Positive Side of Complaining
- Exploring how complaining can be beneficial:
- One of the NLP presuppositions is “All behavior is useful in some context.” When does complaining serve a useful purpose?
The Dark Side of Complaining
Strategies to Overcome Chronic Complaining in Ourselves
Key Takeaways:
- Complaining isn’t inherently bad—it depends on the purpose and frequency.
- Recognizing language patterns can help us become more mindful of our complaints.
- Finding balance is key - venting is okay, but chronic negativity is damaging.
- Practical ways to shift from unhelpful complaining to productive problem-solving.
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