Stay Or Go: The Future Step-Dad

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Stay or go? Vanessa is here, I haven't asked a
good morning, Good morning, how are you Vanessa? Doing great?
What's going on with your boyfriend? In this case? I
have your email here? But why don't you explain?

Speaker 2 (00:15):
Yes, actually I recently got engaged.

Speaker 1 (00:17):
Oh congratulations, except if Ron's say ergo, then that's that
may not be a good thing. So what's what's going on?

Speaker 3 (00:27):
So I got.

Speaker 2 (00:27):
Engaged about six months ago. And this is my this
is my second marriage. I've got two kids from my
first and pretty soon after we moved in, my family,
my kids and I they've definitely had a bit of
a hard time adjusting to being in a new place
and living with my fiance. It's all it's all really

(00:49):
new for them. And my my oldest, my son, he's sixteen.
When we moved in, he got in a fight with
my fiance. I wasn't home, but my fiance was telling
my son to clean his room and my son didn't
want to do it, and it got heated. And now
my son and my fiance are they're just avoiding each

(01:10):
other in the house and being so so strange around
each other, and my son doesn't want to live with
us anymore. He wants to move out. I just wish
that my fiance had called me instead of trying to,
you know, discipline my son or deal with the problem himself.
I really don't know.

Speaker 1 (01:29):
I don't know what to do here. I feel like,
over my head, do you agree with your fiance in
the way that he went about it? Was he fair
and appropriate? I mean we can talk about whether he
should be disciplining your son without you or not. That
that's a separate topic, but if you had to evaluate
the way he went about it in your absence, I mean, overall,
are you okay with what he wanted him to do

(01:50):
clean his room?

Speaker 2 (01:51):
I mean sure, it's technically, you know, all of our
house now, so I think he has a right to
ask my son to clean his room. But once it
got a little heated, Uh my, my fiance just tried
to you know, show that it's say, it's his house,
and he was a little he's a little more strict
than I think he should have been.

Speaker 1 (02:13):
Okay, And is the is your son's dad involved? I'm
just curious, like what the dynamic is? Is he around two?

Speaker 2 (02:21):
Yeah, he's around, and he's he's he's around, but he
my son wants to go live with him now. And
that's that's that's that's very stressful for me.

Speaker 1 (02:32):
Yeah, I wonder I eight five five five one three five.
You guys a little group therapy action here. And I
know a lot of people listening have probably been through
something like this. I mean I had a step dad too,
and and he moved in and and he wanted to
you know, it's like it's like you're you're living in
this house and you're sharing this space, and you obviously
want there to be like a good dialogue, and he

(02:54):
wanted to be a positive figure. And he does live there,
so he has a right to say something. But I
I don't know that he ever disciplined me unilaterally without
my mom telling him them talking about it first, or
my mom asking him to or at least you know,
there was a time a transition where like it just
the they, as of the adults, were comfortable with him

(03:15):
being involved in like the day to day you know
sort of raising of my sister and me. You know
what I mean. He wasn't I don't think he got
you anything, you knowilaterally Like he wasn't out there screaming
at me without talking to my mom because technically he
was still trying to ingratiate himself with us, and and
that's her job and in theory that would have been
my father's job to do as well. So I can

(03:37):
see why that's tricky. But like, at the same time,
I don't know, what would you have preferred that he
had called you and said, hey, I'm upset about this.
I'm going to say something. And then what do you say, Like, well,
wait till I get home and we do it together, Like, well,
how would you have preferred this gut had gone down?

Speaker 2 (03:51):
Yeah, I mean I absolutely wish that he had called
me and we talked about it before it got so
so were blown and then I mean we probably should
have talked about how we would deal with that before.
But yeah, I wish he'd called me.

Speaker 1 (04:08):
And so are you really thinking that maybe this isn't
the relationship for you, like, because I mean, stay or go,
We don't sayn't have to be literal. Not everybody who's
calling up here at the end of it's like, all right,
I'm out, I'm not gonna get married anymore. Thanks for
my advice. But I mean, do you look at this
and say, I don't know, Like I don't like the
way he did it, and I don't know if I
can be with him now, like or I got to

(04:28):
pick my son. But see, here's what's tricky is your
son needed to clean his room. He's sixteen years old.
He lives in this house that I presumably you and
your soon to be husband paid for. There isn't right
and a wrong way to go about this, but you know,
he still has to sort of behave right. I mean,
he still has to respect the place where he's living.

(04:48):
So I mean, what are you saying if you just say, okay,
move out whatever. My relationship with my son now is
estranged because my soon to be husband had an issue
with the condition of his room. So far as he
was respectful and obviously not abusive or anything like that.
I mean, does he not have a right to say
to your son, hey, you got to do this.

Speaker 2 (05:11):
I think he does have a right. It's more the
issue of I don't know how to resolve this. I
don't want to lose either of them. I don't want
to lose my son and I don't want to lose
my fiance. So I just want to know how to
how to work this all out and I'll be happy together.
In the same house.

Speaker 1 (05:29):
Yeah, and Vanessa, people are are texting. Just to be clear,
when you say fight, we're referring to some form of
a verbal argument, right, We're not talking about there's nothing physical.

Speaker 2 (05:39):
No, nothing physical, just just.

Speaker 1 (05:40):
Verbal because that would have been obvious. And by fight,
is it like teenage angst? Or was it? Did it
get like down and dirty? Were your fiance saying things
to your son that he shouldn't say? It? Was this
simply a matter of your fiance trying to assert himself
as a leader or like as a as a figure
in the house that needs to be respected. Whether he
should or should not have done that without you is

(06:02):
again a different conversation. But was it was it done
from your understanding in a way where he was not
necessarily in the wrong. And the response from your son
is what you might expect from a sixteen year.

Speaker 2 (06:14):
Old, I mean definitely, I definitely expect a sixteen year
old to not want to go clean his room and
to want to do things on his own time. I
think the big part of it is that we've you know,
we've moved into my fiance's house, so it's it's kind
of his house and we're moving in and I think

(06:35):
he we're still establishing rules, and I think he was
he was trying to establish a rule with my son
and it just, yeah, the fight just got a little
a little angry. He was he was saying that it's
his house and you know it's our house now.

Speaker 4 (06:53):
Ye trying to find a way to try find a
way to all, Yeah, you need to have a talk
with your fiance because he's a grown ass adult like
and I know he's he's a he's a man.

Speaker 5 (07:05):
Men hate apologizing, but he's wrong in this situation. I
feel like you have to have this conversation with him
and say you're out of line and he and then
the two of you have to have a conversation with
your son where he needs to apologize and you guys
have to work it out some way there because is
he wrong, That's what I'm trying to.

Speaker 1 (07:22):
I don't mean he depends on how he went about it.

Speaker 5 (07:25):
He shouldn't be disciplining this this woman's son at all.

Speaker 1 (07:30):
That is not his kid. It's about to be his
step kid about to be.

Speaker 5 (07:33):
But just because you moved into this man's house doesn't
mean you get to set rules, especially if she's not there.

Speaker 1 (07:38):
But I've lived this rufio, and like, he can't just
be an absentee. He can't just be this adult figure
in the house who who doesn't get to speak his
mind and doesn't get to have a say. That's where
things are gonna get completely unwrapped.

Speaker 5 (07:51):
I understand that, But why pick this fight just because
you want him to clean his room without but.

Speaker 1 (07:56):
Without his mom being there.

Speaker 5 (07:58):
You have to have the conversation with her first before
you discipline anybody.

Speaker 1 (08:03):
And that's not his kid at all. Agree, But wasn't there, Vanessa?
I have to ask, wasn't there some form of acceptance
of his role that you guys take on when you
move into his house and decide that you're going to
get married again. He doesn't get to disrespect your son.
He doesn't get to obviously abuse your son in any way.
He doesn't get to go too far with it. But
if he has a request of your son and you're

(08:25):
living together, all together, and it's a fair request, does
your I mean, at what point do we say, hey,
look you are you're you're a kid like you gotta do.
You got to do what your elders are telling you
to do. Because because he like like his his opinion
matters too. Now again, was he disrespectful? To he use profanity?
Was he abusive? Was he There's a lot of parameters here,

(08:45):
but like, if he has a request of your son,
I assume you guys have been over that right because
you moved in with him. It's like this guy's a
total unknown.

Speaker 2 (08:54):
Yeah, I mean he's he's well within his right to
ask my son to clean his room. But once it once,
you know, my son talked back to him and things,
you know, the words got a little harsher, let's less kind.
I wish that he, as the adult, had kind of
stepped back and called me and let me know so

(09:17):
that it didn't go any further and then we could
all work it out together.

Speaker 1 (09:22):
You know, I get that. But he can't just be
this this lame duck stepfather, you know what I mean?
Like that's not going to work here. I don't know
what that would be.

Speaker 6 (09:30):
I don't think the stepfather owes her child an apology
for asking him to clean his room. Like, why would
he apologize for that. I don't think he did anything
wrong by asking him that getting a verbal argument with
I wouldn't get in. First of all, I'm not getting
in a verbal argument with any child. So from that
point on, I think it's on you to set boundaries
with your fiance and your child. From the beginning, when

(09:52):
you brought him into the home, you all should have
had to sit down and you should have explained your
expectations between all of you.

Speaker 1 (09:57):
But I have a real question, Kiki, at what and Rufie,
what point does this dude continually walking away from his
reasonable requests of this child? At what point does he then?
Is he not respected? And that's what I'm saying. He
lives there too, Yes, and he has a right to ax.

Speaker 6 (10:12):
That's why I'm like, I don't think he deserved he
needs to give an apology for what happened. I think
she needs to set some boundaries with her child and
the new person she's bringing into her child's life. It's
on the mother's responsibility to set those expectations on both as.

Speaker 1 (10:25):
I agree. But shouldn't that have when everyone moves in together,
isn't it is? It shouldn't have been implied, Hey, we're
comfortable with this guy, and he has he's going to
have a right to have a say what happens in
this household. Again, if he crossed a line. I mean,
we can debate that, but at the same time, this
I mean, I don't know I had a stepdad, and
I don't think he ever did anything that my mom

(10:46):
didn't know about or approve of. But I mean he
had a right he had to assert himself in some
ways because he was technically the man of that house.

Speaker 7 (10:54):
Yeah, but he's an adult and saying this is my
house the low blows can be really scarring for a
kid who's being and you know it moved into another home.

Speaker 1 (11:03):
It already wasn't your home. Your parents are split up.
So I mean he may not have gone about it
in the right way I think, is it, But but
him him saying something I don't know that we want
to necessarily set the precedent of him not being able
to say anything to your son, because then you're not
going to walk all over him.

Speaker 7 (11:20):
Yeah, he should have waited for her to get home
if they hadn't discussed the grounds, and I agree with that.

Speaker 1 (11:24):
But yeah, all right, have an esset. Let me take
some phone calls on this. Thank you so much, have
a great day and have the radio and good luck.
Thank you. I don't like that this is my house stuff.
I mean, it's it's our house now if that's what
we're doing. But again, like what's's supposed to do? Go
clean your room and the kid go screw you and
he goes okay and walk away, Like that's not going
to work.

Speaker 5 (11:42):
Be like, well, okay, if you don't want to clean
it now, we'll have a conversation when your mother gets home.

Speaker 1 (11:45):
You know what I'm saying. So he said every single
thing moated by the mother because.

Speaker 5 (11:50):
There was no boundary said Like Kiki said, they never
had a conversation about disciplining her children, Like you can't
just be like, no, this is my house, you're going
to clean Okay, you're getting it to a pisson contest
with a sixteen year old.

Speaker 6 (12:02):
Yeah, she needs to set boundaries from the beginning. But
as an adult, I have the right to ask you
to do things. As a child, you know that if
I act you to clean your room, Okay, you want
to be disrespectful, let's settle it with your mother. But
after this, we're going to set some boundaries because I'm
not going to be left in you. You're not going
to be left in my care and I can't discipline
you or correct your behavior.

Speaker 1 (12:22):
I'll be honest with you, this might be unpopular. I
put this on the mom before I put on anybody else.
I agree, what are they doing living together and doing
all this together if these things haven't already been established
at a great point. And again, I mean, and also like,
let's be really honest, sixteen year olds could be sixteen
year olds. But you also don't get to tell adults
to screw off either, Like that's not okay either, right,
So I agree he was the adult. He should have

(12:43):
walked away. There shouldn't be an altercation. But I mean,
you know, things get heated. And I think also, you know,
sometimes people need to assert themselves and say, hey, look,
I'm the adult, you're the kid, like you know. But again,
there were probably some some things said in the process
of all this that that we're not the beast. Hey, Olivia,
good morning. What do you think?

Speaker 8 (13:04):
Good morning? I think the mom and the owner are
in the wrong. When she moved in with him, accepted
him as his fiance, her fiance, she should have given
him that respect where he's an adult. If he's saying
something specially especially living in his home, you know, I don't.
I think the sixteen year old was completely wrong and disrespectful.

Speaker 1 (13:24):
Yeah, I'm just I'm surprised that none of this was
established before they all moved in together, and there are
going to be bossed by the way like you know, look,
I did the thing too when I was you're not
my you're not my dad. Kaelin did it too, Paulina
did it. But we all did that, that thing, that
resisting thing. But it's like, at some point, your mom,

(13:46):
I hope, has chosen this man because he's a good
man and he's someone who, you know, I think is
going to be a positive impact in your life. And
he's not gonna get walked on. He's not gonna get again.
Was the approach right? Maybe not? But at the same time,
the sixteen year old doesn't get to run all over this,
you know, because there's noways there has to be some
level of respect there. I mean, I don't know. Olivia,

(14:06):
thank you so much. Have a good day.

Speaker 4 (14:08):
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (14:08):
I'm glad you called. Hey, Nate, good morning.

Speaker 3 (14:12):
Good morning. How you guys doing today.

Speaker 1 (14:14):
Nate, what do you want to say, ma'am?

Speaker 3 (14:16):
I actually am in the exact same situation as she is.
As difficult as it is, I say that you should
stay because the exact same concept of what she's going through.
My stepson is eight years old, and she is basically

(14:36):
acting in the same way. I try to discipline him.
I try to help my wife out, and my step
son turns around and says, you know, hey, I don't
want to do this. You can't make me do that.
You're not my real dad.

Speaker 1 (14:53):
Stuff like that.

Speaker 3 (14:54):
He says that all the time to me, My white
sex husband is the one that's in quotes the fun parent.

Speaker 1 (15:04):
You know, we went through that too, same thing where
my stepdad got to be the a hole because my
father was trying to do everything to defy, you know,
my my mom and the family unit she was trying
to build. So it's like, what was my mom supposed
to do? Just let let my quote unquote stepfather just
get run over the way that it sounds like maybe
you are you can't do.

Speaker 3 (15:22):
That exactly, Yeah, yeah, exactly. And it's very very difficult
because sorry, there's a trend going by. It's very difficult
at times because when I tried to establish the boundary
and I try to you know, instill that discipline, sometimes

(15:46):
he'll turn around and he'll run back to his dad.
And instead of his dad coming and talking to me
man to man about it, he turns around and he
actually contacts my wife and it basically cuts it out
my wife and yelled at her and says, why are
you having this other guy? I understand that you guys

(16:06):
are married, And she said, well, he is my husband.
He has a right to do this, he has a
right to discipline, he has a right to say these things.
And he turns around and choose her out on my
behalf instead of coming straight to me. And it's something
that I've been dealing with for years. We are obviously,
like I said, we are married now, so I know

(16:27):
it's going to be for the rest of my life
and I'm okay with that. But the part that really
hurts is how a I'm not able to get the
respect from my eight year old stepson and his dad
is the one that always comes to bat for him.
But instead of him stepping up and being the man

(16:47):
and saying, Okay, I'm going to talk to this other
guy who is stepped into the father role of my son,
I'm going to talk to him about it, he doesn't.

Speaker 1 (16:58):
He goes to my wife. He doesn't like you because
he's not over the breakup, and he'll do anything to
undermine you, which only makes it worse, which is why
you have to be able to stand up for yourself
in some regard. And again you know your wife should
be involved. But if you don't, then then this kid's
never going to respect you and it's always going to
be a problem. Thank you for calling, man, have a

(17:18):
good day. And I know this because I was that kid.

Speaker 9 (17:23):
Mirah, Hi, Mirah, Good morning, Fred, Happy be lated birthday, Kaylen,
are you I'll be really quick. I just you know,
I don't think we I think we all agree. The
ask was completely appropriate. It's just his delivery. It's not
what you ask, it's how you delivered it. And I

(17:43):
think that's what there's really this. To me, there are
totally two separate issues. Asking clear the room is fine,
But whatever happened afterwards, it sounds like it got heated.
It sounds like he should have stepped away and done
a little bit more mature after he resisted and and
just yeah and got on the same page with his
you know, fiance. It's what happened afterwards. It's what he
said afterwards is how you know, maybe a voice was

(18:06):
raised through what happened, and that's just my opinion. It
was just not to ask how the delivery went.

Speaker 1 (18:11):
I agree. I do think that the the husband, the
stepfather in this case, the obligation for him to be
the more mature when and walk away. That is absolutely
on the adult. But then again, you could argue, should
the sixteen year old be spouting off at this guy,
you know, because he doesn't want to do something that's
that's a pretty normal request.

Speaker 7 (18:28):
Yeah, but we have to take into account the transition
just had. This is a lot on kids, so he
might be going through something.

Speaker 9 (18:34):
Of course, teach him.

Speaker 7 (18:35):
It's not okay, but we do have to remember they
just moved.

Speaker 1 (18:39):
Well, but I also assume this dude's been around for
a minute. If they moved in together, I mean, I
want to assume that he's not a brand new figure.

Speaker 7 (18:44):
But living in his house is different.

Speaker 1 (18:46):
Yeah, well that's true. That is true, Amira. Thank you,
have a great day.

Speaker 9 (18:50):
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (18:51):
Let me see here, Hey, Nicole, I'm here, Hey, good morning.
What do you want to say? Stare going just for
people just tuning in now. Essentially, it's a case of
sixteen year old kid and mom move in with moms
soon to be new husband and husband and sixteen year
old kid are getting into it over like basic household chores,
and she's going, what do I do? Because now my

(19:12):
son doesn't want to live here anymore. Now my soon
to be husband is resentful of the fact there's no respect.
You know, he's trying to establish himself in the household.
He maybe didn't go about it in the right way.
So what do you think, hey, friend, love your show?

Speaker 10 (19:27):
First of all, thank you, I say, she goes, because
she already what's happened is now her fiance and her
son are already at odds. She's never going to win
in this situation. It's now going to be an issue
with her and the fiance in her and the sun.
And she already said she feels like she doesn't want
to have to make a choice between the two. But regardless,

(19:49):
the son is your son, and you have to you,
you know, depending on how the whole thing went down
is one thing. But the son should already know, Hey,
I'm I'm sixteen years old, I should be cleaning my room.
I should this, and that it should have never escalated.
But she's never going to win in this situation. She
is someone's gonna resent her. It's always going to be

(20:11):
in the back of the kid's mind, it's always going
to be in the back of the fiance's mind, and
it's never gonna it's never going to be good for her.

Speaker 1 (20:19):
Yeah, fair enough, all right, thank you, Nicole, have a
good day.

Speaker 10 (20:21):
Thank you you too.

Speaker 1 (20:22):
Bern Shelby Shelley two hundred and fifty bucks in the
Showdown her record nine twenty and sixty one three straight.
If you want to take on the gorilla in five questions,
when some money call now eight five five five nine
three five. The Entertainment Report is next to you on
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