August 13, 2024 • 22 mins
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Bread Show is on. It's stay or go. Hi
Zandras here, Hi Xander, good morning, Hi, Good morning, Xandra.
Tell us what's going on, because obviously you would call
us to get our opinion on what's happening in your life.
What's going on with your boyfriend? We're all ears.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Yeah, No, I am calling for advice. I just kind
of need a different perspective.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
I guess.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Oh, we'll give you that. Don't worry, we'll give you
a seven or eight different perspective. Go ahead, please tell
us what's going on.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Sure, So recently, me and my boyfriend, we've just for contacts,
been together about a year. We got into a pretty
big fight, but we ended up making up like a
few days later, so that was fine.
Speaker 3 (00:50):
But about a month or so after the fight, and this.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Was recently, I went through his phone, which I, you know,
to my better judgment, I guess it's I know, it's
like always a dangerous.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Thing talking about this. If you're looking for something, you're
gonna find it. What did you find? What did you find?
Speaker 2 (01:15):
I ended up finding a conversation with him and his friends.
And it was during this whole fight that we were having,
and what he was saying to them.
Speaker 3 (01:25):
I thought was really shocking. He was calling me names
like like the B word. You know, I can't. I
don't think I can say things on the radio.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Yeah, we's just to be safe. Let's just not say so.
He was having a private conversation with what a friend
of his? Who was he saying these things.
Speaker 3 (01:45):
To Yeah, to his friends and.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
Multiple or was it a group chat or was it one?
I mean, I'm just trying to get an idea here
for like, how how widespread these comments were received.
Speaker 3 (01:57):
Yeah, I was a group chat with him and his bro.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Okay, so he's venting and he's calling you names, and
you read this, and this was a month ago or
so that this all happened, and since that, if you
and again i'm not gaslighting you here, I'm just you,
if you hadn't read these text messages, then in your
mind this problem was done and resolved and you were
satisfied with where you guys were today or yesterday or
(02:20):
whenever before you read them, right, Okay, so you read
these things and you're upset by the comments, and then
what do you do? Well?
Speaker 3 (02:29):
I was devastated, Like I.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
Ended up confronting him, and then he got upset, and
he said, oh, it's my fault because I never should
have gone through his phone. And I said, well, it
is your fault what you said, you know, And then
he told me that he was just heated and he
was venting to his friends and he didn't mean anything.
He wasn't actually thinking those things, you know.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
All the all the stuff.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
So now you're wondering how to deal with that because
you're not what you didn't think that he had it
in him to call you those names, or or you
think that it's a bad sign. I'm just trying to understand.
I mean, you're you're hurt by those words that he used.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Yeah, and he was saying really nasty things, like he
was saying that he never should have dated me in
the first, you know, things that make me really question now,
like I would never even think those things about him,
let alone say them, you know.
Speaker 3 (03:31):
And now I'm like, I don't know, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
Well, I'd love to know what people have to thay,
obviously in this room, but at eight five five, five
nine one three five. In fact, we're going to debate
this right now and have your radio on your iHeart app,
and we're gonna talk about you behind your back. Okay,
but now we debate. So you told us a story,
Now we debate. But hey, good luck and I hope
this all works out for you. Okay, do did anyone
else have any questions?
Speaker 4 (03:55):
I have that question for her? Does he call you
names like that to your face? Like during the argument?
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Okay, so he's kind of quiet. So this guy's known
to be a decent human being, Like he's not mistreating you.
He's not. He's kind to you for the most part.
I mean, people have disagreements and squabbles and whatever else,
but like you guys are able to fight in a
healthy way and and then heal from it. It sounds
like it. It's not like everything was okay until you
read these text messages, right right?
Speaker 3 (04:22):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Do you now one more question? Do you do you
stand by you're just I mean maybe you do now,
but if you're able to be objective, do you stand
by your decision to go through his phone to do
you know? Because in some ways I'm not excusing what
he said to you, but like a phone can be
an extension of like your brain sometimes, right, Like there's
stuff that I've surged and stuff that I've said and
(04:47):
you know whatever that I probably wouldn't say out loud.
It's kind of like an inner monologue just because I
think those things are because I vent and get them
off my chest to someone who's not you, who I trust,
who's also another woman, or you know, a bunch of
other areas that would be sort of gray areas at best.
Does that make me a bad person or does that
just make me a human? You know what I mean?
(05:08):
Like he wanted to get these things off its chest.
They were mean things. People say mean things when they're
angry that they don't mean. I would say that His
response you probably should have been I was really angry
and I said a bunch of stuff I don't mean,
and I'm sorry. But he was probably more focused on
the fact that you went through his phone behind his
back and found this stuff, which is an invasion of
(05:29):
privacy and fairness. Now again, you found it, so I
guess it can be addressed. But I mean, you never
would have known this happened, and you just said that
you don't have any sort of character issue with this guy.
So what if he'd said those things and you never
you never knew about it, then you just move on
with your life. And everything's okay, right, Well, yeah, because.
Speaker 3 (05:52):
I wouldn't have known.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
But I mean, I want to know the truth about
what my boyfriend thinks about me.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
But argument, you've never said anything in a heated argument.
I'm not defending him saying derogatory things about you. I'm not.
But what I am defending is people's right to get
angry and react. And it doesn't make their reaction right,
it doesn't make the words right. But he should have
apologized again though the only reason you know is because
(06:20):
you kind of betrayed him and again, not gaslighting you,
but like that shouldn't have happened either. That's an invasion
of privacy. I should have a right to event to
my friends and work through an issue, because in some
ways that's healthy, right, because then you're getting that stuff
off your chest, you're not directing it at the person
you're angry with, and then you go solve the problem,
which it sounds like they were able to do and
(06:40):
communicate and move forward in a healthy way. You cannot
tell me people in this room, people calling you. Cannot
tell me that you have not said something about someone
else to someone else and then realize after the fact
that should I never would have said that to that person.
I shouldn't have said it at all. Yeah, I'm the
queen of low blows.
Speaker 5 (06:57):
You guys know that, so I might have to say
this one out. But I feel like as long as
he apologizes and owns it and says, like, listen, I'm
sorry that I said that, and he doesn't do it again,
I think that's where I'm at because I think if
you're really sorry, then you're going to change your behavior.
I'm going through the phone. I'm not mad at that.
I know that's really unpopular. I'm not mad at that idea.
I know, I know you hate it. I don't hate it,
(07:18):
And don't people have a right to be angry and
say things they don't mean? And again, yeah, I don't
know this guy, and I wasn't there for that. I
wasn't there for the confrontation, Sandra. But do you think
maybe he was just more stunned that he was caught
because you went through his stuff without him knowing.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
Do you think maybe he would have apologized if he
if you had found out a different way.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
I mean, how else would I have found out?
Speaker 1 (07:40):
Well, okay, and do you think the relationship would have
suffered or would you have thought anything differently of him
if you didn't know that he said those things? Probably not.
Speaker 2 (07:48):
Yeah, I mean I would have been living in blissful ignorance,
like if I didn't know this. But the fact of
the matter is, like we could say all day long,
oh what.
Speaker 3 (07:56):
If this with this? But this is a situation.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
But people have a right to scrubbed, don't they. Yes,
But and self correct.
Speaker 4 (08:05):
I think the issue is more so like, you're disrespecting
me to another group of people, Like I would almost
prefer that he had said this in the argument to
her and they could have worked out their issues there.
But you're literally disrespecting me to a whole other group
of people, taking our fight to a whole other level,
involving other people, and you're feeling this way about me.
I'm your partner, I'm your spouse. You should be able
(08:26):
to get that off your chest to me.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
Yeah, but there's in any relationship, there's a certain group
of people on my side and her side that I
just assume when things aren't going well, that there's communication
going on there. And in fact, in some ways I
might argue beyond even what he said and the fact
that she found it I would I might argue that
it's it might be unfair for him to say a
lot of these things if he expects the relationship to
(08:48):
be resolved, because depending on the depth of what he said.
Now these people you know now that have gotten back together,
are things are working out and now everyone's going to
get together again, and like people are, you know, their
thoughts are clouded, which is why it can be tough
to really go in on the person you're dating with
friends because like maybe your version, your heated version, your
(09:09):
emotional version, is not exactly how it happened, and you're
getting it off your chest and you're feeling better and
you're venting. But then whatever you said is now something
that weighs on people's minds. And then when you call
them and go I got back together with them, now
they're thinking only of the I don't know. It can
be convoluted. But at the same time, who else do
you go to? Who else do you go? You have
a right to communicate to other people in a way
(09:32):
that can be forgiven.
Speaker 4 (09:33):
You have a right, but now you've tainted our relationship
to everybody else.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
And the same way you just explained, like with.
Speaker 4 (09:39):
My brothers, I don't go to them about every time
Big Tim pisss me off, because they're not going to
forget that me and have to be fine in five minutes.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
You're not going to forget. I don't go to my
sister either, But I do have friends that have heard everything,
and I know those people. I know who to go to,
and they're able to moderate. Those people are able to
go okay, because look, I've got buddies who have vented
about their wives to me, and I'm friends with their wives.
But I'm able to stay in my mind, Okay, Well,
you were my friend first, and you're upset, and so
(10:07):
I'm just gonna hear you because you want to be
heard right now. I'm not internalizing that, and I think
you know. They the next day they wake up, or
two days later, a week or a month, they go,
I don't feel that way anymore, and then they're able
to communicate in a helpful way because they got it
off their chest.
Speaker 6 (10:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (10:20):
But as your partner, if I see this communication, then
now my feelings have changed towards you, because now I
feel betray You're having this discussion with somebody else about
our relationship when you haven't even approached me that way.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
Fair enough, fair enough, Exandra, all right, now I'm going
to let you go have a great morning, and thank
you so much for calling. Good luck.
Speaker 3 (10:38):
Thank you. I appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
I don't know, Jay, what do you think.
Speaker 7 (10:42):
I don't like going through the phone, that is, not
unless I need to do unblock myself.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
But because she wouldn't have known about this, and she
admitted that this sort of stuff does not permeate into
their relationship. It's not like he's calling her names and
abusing her and being admits that that's not how he operates.
Speaker 7 (10:57):
Yeah, I don't know. I'm very big on like, I'm
very open. I have to talk things out. So like
everyone around me, like I'm sure you've heard me say
things about Mike and I get into an argument or whatever,
it's not really fair because I think it does change
your view of him. But I also think like people
that really know me know, like like you said, Fred,
(11:18):
like I'm angry. I'm just like you know, I wouldn't
stay with someone if he was like fundamentally a bad person, right,
So like, I don't know, but it is unfair to
the other person. So I see your point, Kiki, where
it's like you know, it's not fair to bring other
people in and they're looking at you all crazy, because
like Mike and I went through a very hard time
and I never thought my parents were ever going to
(11:38):
like forgive him, Like I thought it was like a
done relationship with them, and and you know, we worked
through it, talked through it.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
They're good.
Speaker 7 (11:45):
But like you know, it's times like that where it's
like they it could have went the other way, and
now you're tarnishing how your significant other looks to people
that are important to you.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
So that's a very slip. There are a ton of
variables here, but I will I think I've pointed most
of them out. But I also I think you're right
about the parents. Like once my mom has made a decision,
once I've involved her in something bad and she's made
a decision, it is admittedly going to be very difficult,
which is why I don't involve certain people in my
(12:14):
life unless I'm very positive about the way that I feel,
because you know, my mom and my sister are not
people to flippantly vent to because they're just not because
they're not going to forget. But some of my friends are.
They can hear it and go okay, all right, And
then if I make the judgment call to then go
back to that person or forgive them or work it out, well,
(12:34):
then they do too because I did. Now, there's only
so many times you can do that, and when it
starts to get into really abusive stuff or really really
bad stuff, I think there is an expiration day on
people's patients. But like you have a right to vent,
you have a right to say things you don't mean
and say that you're sorry. Hey, Veronica, good morning. What
do you think?
Speaker 3 (12:54):
Good morning?
Speaker 8 (12:55):
I am coming from a sentiment of place.
Speaker 9 (12:57):
Now.
Speaker 8 (12:57):
I was married for twenty years to my late husband.
We lost him in twenty nineteen. Yeah, he's battling cancer.
But we were together through our high school years. We
got married I was twenty three, and so I'm very
well versed in this type of situation. There were a
lot of things that I would vent to my sister,
(13:19):
to my friends about during an argument that I would
never say or.
Speaker 3 (13:23):
Disrespect him to his face.
Speaker 8 (13:24):
Did I really mean them at the time, Maybe, but
I wouldn't. I didn't really mean them, Like I didn't
really hate him.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
I didn't really you know.
Speaker 8 (13:33):
The things that I would say to my sister or
my friends are not things that I would typically say
to his face. And then like we always had healthy arguments.
We never you know, he was never abusive. He never
called me out of my name to my face, at
least that I know of. But I mean, I did
that and I didn't really mean that. And it's like,
I would never tell this girl. I would tell this
(13:53):
girl that it's you know you said, Fred, you have
a right to vent? And did she have a right
to go through this phone?
Speaker 4 (13:58):
No?
Speaker 8 (13:59):
I never, ever, in the twenty years that my husband
and I were married, I never he never gave me
the reason to have to go through his phone because,
like she said, he doesn't disrespect her to her face.
He doesn't like abuse her and.
Speaker 3 (14:10):
Do stuff like that.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
But maybe quietly.
Speaker 8 (14:12):
He did to his friends, but I never knew about it,
and it was okay because I did it too. So
I think, like you said, Fred, I think a lot
of people they have the right to vent. And do
you really mean those things.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
Maybe in the moment, in.
Speaker 8 (14:23):
The heat of the moment, yeah, but I would never
ever do that to his face.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
And I think she's she's.
Speaker 8 (14:30):
Not overreacting, but she had a right to feel the
way she does. But I'm telling you, coming from the
place that I've been and losing my husband, I would
I just wish couples would be more forgiving and not
so quick to just call it quits all the time nowadays.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
You know, Vernica well said, thank you, have a great
day here too. There are just so few circumstances where
I think going through the phone is a good idea.
I mean, and yeah, you know, there's what do they
call that of the term right now, but it's like
you were looking for something, you found it, so you
feel justified, and it's like, okay, was a confirmation bias.
(15:08):
It's I don't know. There's so few circumstances where I
think you are justified in going through people's stuff behind
their back. And again, I know people who are like, well,
I did it and I found out he was cheating
or I found out she was cheating, So I'm justified maybe,
But how about all the times that people do it,
they don't find anything, or they find something benign, or
they find something that they didn't need to. I mean,
trust me, I've had conversations about loved ones to people,
(15:31):
and I've said things that I regret saying and that
I would never say if I weren't angry, but I'd
rather say it to someone else and have them go
all right, now, let's like, Okay, you said it, now,
let's talk about it. Then say it to the person,
because that could end everything. I might say something in
the heat of the moment that I'm never forgiven for.
It's why I don't get into big fights with people
(15:53):
very often, because what happens is the big fights they
turn into you know, do they turn into something about
something else, and before long you're not even fighting about
the thing you were fighting about anymore. Now you're just
hurting each other. And you got to undo all that
before you can solve the actual problem. Ana, how you doing?
Good morning?
Speaker 6 (16:11):
Hi, good morning are you guys?
Speaker 1 (16:13):
Hey? Thanks for carling, Thanks for listening. What do you
want to say?
Speaker 6 (16:17):
So? I've been in a sixteen year plus relationship with
my current fyance and we have this agreement that you know,
when we have arguments, it's between him and I only
if I need advice or anything like that. I don't
really go up to friends or family and about it
(16:38):
because I think personally, when it comes to relationships is
between you, you and the spouse are your partner.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
Yeah, no, because that was the other point that we
were making as we're kind of going back and forth
here at different scenarios. Is you know it is it
can be unfair to involve you know, your inner circle,
because you know, if you're just temporarily mad, or you
have some personal opinions, or you suspect some things and
then maybe they're not true. Your friends don't forget that stuff.
Speaker 9 (17:02):
Nope.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
And there does come a time and maybe it's not
the first time or the second or the tenth, but
there does come a time where people are getting a
little tired of hearing about the stuff that's going on
that you're not doing anything about, or that you know
what I mean. Like, there's only so many times you
can go to the well before people are like, I
love you and I'll support you, but I can't hear
this stuff anymore because it's like, yeah, if it's all true,
then do something handle your business, right.
Speaker 6 (17:25):
Yeah, Because I've had friends who come to me for advice.
Speaker 8 (17:29):
For relationships, which I don't mind.
Speaker 6 (17:31):
You know, I don't mind doing.
Speaker 3 (17:32):
That for you.
Speaker 8 (17:33):
But at the end of the day, it's your decision.
You decide what you want to do with your relationship.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
Yeah, you come to me fifty times and tell me
that your spouse is the enemy. At some point I'm
going to be like, there's a theme here, and it's
only so many times. There's only so many times I
can support you here. I'm not not your friend, I
don't not love you, but like, if all that's true,
then you got to handle this. Yeah, And then.
Speaker 6 (17:53):
They come tell me they're going to break up with them,
And then like at a weekend party and I see
him with her, I'm like.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
What happened? That can be hard. That can be hard
because if you're a friend, I don't.
Speaker 8 (18:05):
Want to judge the guy either.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
Yeah, and thank you, Anna, thank you for calling. If
you're a friend, then you oftentimes take on the weight
of your friend's dilemma. And like, how many times do
I have to to bear, you know, the herd and
the you know what I mean? How many times do
I have to like be in the trenches with you
before it's like, all right, well, are you gonna do
something about this? Hey? Elizabeth, Hi, Hi, good morning, stay
(18:29):
or go? This woman called us She went through her
boyfriend's phone. After a few weeks after a fight to friend. Yeah,
can you hear me? Okay, yeah, hold on, hold on, Elizabeth,
hold on, let me do my job real quick. So
I'm just recapping here. She went through her her boyfriend's
phone a few months, a few weeks after a fight,
only to find that he had been venting to his
(18:50):
friends in a very negative way about her. And now
she's she has access to this information. She's upset. What
do you think, Elizabeth.
Speaker 5 (18:58):
I think I.
Speaker 10 (18:59):
Need to a breath and just give themselves, you know,
a little bit of space. But I don't think that
either one of them should go necessarily. And you know,
I was hearing somebody else that was awful. A widow,
I'm a widow. She looked back at things with a
whole different view when the person's not there anymore, and
(19:20):
things in the heat of the moment, in the acute situation,
you need to explode. But overall, that doesn't mean that.
Speaker 3 (19:27):
You hate that.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
Yeah, I agree, I agree with you.
Speaker 10 (19:30):
At the same time, with the text messages, she's also
a person, and if she in the moment was getting
a vibe that someone wasn't right, it's killing you to
not try and figure.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
Out what that is.
Speaker 10 (19:42):
So I don't blame her. I don't like the idea,
but I don't blame her for going through a text message.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
Yeah, I don't know. I feel like if she'd never
read that stuff, she never would have known. And she
wasn't you know, we asked the question, she wasn't even
getting the vibe like things were okay. So they had
moved past it, you know, And so people make mistakes,
people say things they don't mean, they move on, they cope.
And now she's sort of re regurgitating an old fight
(20:09):
that he's that everyone had moved past. So I don't
know about this, but Elizabeth, I'm sorry for your lost
and thank you for sharing. Have a great day.
Speaker 10 (20:17):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Love me, Guys love you too. I don't Christina, Hi,
good morning.
Speaker 9 (20:22):
Hi, Good morning everyone.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
Hey welcome. What do you want to say about stairgo.
Speaker 9 (20:26):
Oh man, what a drama filled morning?
Speaker 10 (20:29):
This is?
Speaker 8 (20:30):
Well.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
I think we're saying hold on for the record, Christina,
I think we've stayed on the air. I think we've
stayed on the air the whole hour, So that's less
drama than we've been experiencing. Okay, Yeah, you.
Speaker 9 (20:42):
Know, all I want to comment you is, I know
the type of behavior that she was doing, just going
through his phone and whatnot. When I would argue with
my boyfriend when I was much younger, I was just
looking for a reason to be above him and keep
fighting with him. And so I honestly believe that she
was looking for a reason to continue the argument. And
the fact that the trust is now broken, I don't
(21:03):
think that she felt secure in this relationship. The fact
that she's already hurting her own feelings going through his phone,
invading his privacy, like it's just very mature in my opinion.
If you felt very secure and loved in your relationship,
regardless of you know, the fight, then you wouldn't be
going through your partner's phone. And well, I know very
(21:24):
well she's probably saying the same thing to her friends
about him.
Speaker 3 (21:27):
She just hasn't been caught.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Oh well, and again, Christie, I can only speak to
my perspective of what I would do. But I'm a
highly imperfect person. I've said any number of things in
my life to other people about someone that I am
so glad I never said to them. I got it
off my chest. I said it, I regret it, it's over,
and it was better that I get I in fact,
don't you have people in your life who are like calm,
(21:50):
Like when you're upset with that person, call me, like
my therapist has said to me before, Like when I'm
in relationships out that called me, don't say it to that.
Speaker 9 (21:58):
Well done, You're like, you know what, I'm going back
to love my partner. But it's just a sheer fact
that the privacy was invaded. And I can't imagine if
she was in his shoes, and if he went through
her phone and saw like her girlfriend's conversations, if he
were to Roboto and say, oh, look what you said.
Now let me get mad at you, even though we
haven't gone past the first fight yet.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
I hear you. Thank you, Christina, have a good day. No,
well America, Well we're trying, but it's by America I
mean to
The Bread Show is on. It's stay or go. Hi
Zandras here, Hi Xander, good morning, Hi, Good morning, Xandra.
Tell us what's going on, because obviously you would call
us to get our opinion on what's happening in your life.
What's going on with your boyfriend? We're all ears.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Yeah, No, I am calling for advice. I just kind
of need a different perspective.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
I guess.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Oh, we'll give you that. Don't worry, we'll give you
a seven or eight different perspective. Go ahead, please tell
us what's going on.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Sure, So recently, me and my boyfriend, we've just for contacts,
been together about a year. We got into a pretty
big fight, but we ended up making up like a
few days later, so that was fine.
Speaker 3 (00:50):
But about a month or so after the fight, and this.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Was recently, I went through his phone, which I, you know,
to my better judgment, I guess it's I know, it's
like always a dangerous.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Thing talking about this. If you're looking for something, you're
gonna find it. What did you find? What did you find?
Speaker 2 (01:15):
I ended up finding a conversation with him and his friends.
And it was during this whole fight that we were having,
and what he was saying to them.
Speaker 3 (01:25):
I thought was really shocking. He was calling me names
like like the B word. You know, I can't. I
don't think I can say things on the radio.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Yeah, we's just to be safe. Let's just not say so.
He was having a private conversation with what a friend
of his? Who was he saying these things.
Speaker 3 (01:45):
To Yeah, to his friends and.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
Multiple or was it a group chat or was it one?
I mean, I'm just trying to get an idea here
for like, how how widespread these comments were received.
Speaker 3 (01:57):
Yeah, I was a group chat with him and his bro.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Okay, so he's venting and he's calling you names, and
you read this, and this was a month ago or
so that this all happened, and since that, if you
and again i'm not gaslighting you here, I'm just you,
if you hadn't read these text messages, then in your
mind this problem was done and resolved and you were
satisfied with where you guys were today or yesterday or
(02:20):
whenever before you read them, right, Okay, so you read
these things and you're upset by the comments, and then
what do you do? Well?
Speaker 3 (02:29):
I was devastated, Like I.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
Ended up confronting him, and then he got upset, and
he said, oh, it's my fault because I never should
have gone through his phone. And I said, well, it
is your fault what you said, you know, And then
he told me that he was just heated and he
was venting to his friends and he didn't mean anything.
He wasn't actually thinking those things, you know.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
All the all the stuff.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
So now you're wondering how to deal with that because
you're not what you didn't think that he had it
in him to call you those names, or or you
think that it's a bad sign. I'm just trying to understand.
I mean, you're you're hurt by those words that he used.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Yeah, and he was saying really nasty things, like he
was saying that he never should have dated me in
the first, you know, things that make me really question now,
like I would never even think those things about him,
let alone say them, you know.
Speaker 3 (03:31):
And now I'm like, I don't know, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
Well, I'd love to know what people have to thay,
obviously in this room, but at eight five five, five
nine one three five. In fact, we're going to debate
this right now and have your radio on your iHeart app,
and we're gonna talk about you behind your back. Okay,
but now we debate. So you told us a story,
Now we debate. But hey, good luck and I hope
this all works out for you. Okay, do did anyone
else have any questions?
Speaker 4 (03:55):
I have that question for her? Does he call you
names like that to your face? Like during the argument?
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Okay, so he's kind of quiet. So this guy's known
to be a decent human being, Like he's not mistreating you.
He's not. He's kind to you for the most part.
I mean, people have disagreements and squabbles and whatever else,
but like you guys are able to fight in a
healthy way and and then heal from it. It sounds
like it. It's not like everything was okay until you
read these text messages, right right?
Speaker 3 (04:22):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Do you now one more question? Do you do you
stand by you're just I mean maybe you do now,
but if you're able to be objective, do you stand
by your decision to go through his phone to do
you know? Because in some ways I'm not excusing what
he said to you, but like a phone can be
an extension of like your brain sometimes, right, Like there's
stuff that I've surged and stuff that I've said and
(04:47):
you know whatever that I probably wouldn't say out loud.
It's kind of like an inner monologue just because I
think those things are because I vent and get them
off my chest to someone who's not you, who I trust,
who's also another woman, or you know, a bunch of
other areas that would be sort of gray areas at best.
Does that make me a bad person or does that
just make me a human? You know what I mean?
(05:08):
Like he wanted to get these things off its chest.
They were mean things. People say mean things when they're
angry that they don't mean. I would say that His
response you probably should have been I was really angry
and I said a bunch of stuff I don't mean,
and I'm sorry. But he was probably more focused on
the fact that you went through his phone behind his
back and found this stuff, which is an invasion of
(05:29):
privacy and fairness. Now again, you found it, so I
guess it can be addressed. But I mean, you never
would have known this happened, and you just said that
you don't have any sort of character issue with this guy.
So what if he'd said those things and you never
you never knew about it, then you just move on
with your life. And everything's okay, right, Well, yeah, because.
Speaker 3 (05:52):
I wouldn't have known.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
But I mean, I want to know the truth about
what my boyfriend thinks about me.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
But argument, you've never said anything in a heated argument.
I'm not defending him saying derogatory things about you. I'm not.
But what I am defending is people's right to get
angry and react. And it doesn't make their reaction right,
it doesn't make the words right. But he should have
apologized again though the only reason you know is because
(06:20):
you kind of betrayed him and again, not gaslighting you,
but like that shouldn't have happened either. That's an invasion
of privacy. I should have a right to event to
my friends and work through an issue, because in some
ways that's healthy, right, because then you're getting that stuff
off your chest, you're not directing it at the person
you're angry with, and then you go solve the problem,
which it sounds like they were able to do and
(06:40):
communicate and move forward in a healthy way. You cannot
tell me people in this room, people calling you. Cannot
tell me that you have not said something about someone
else to someone else and then realize after the fact
that should I never would have said that to that person.
I shouldn't have said it at all. Yeah, I'm the
queen of low blows.
Speaker 5 (06:57):
You guys know that, so I might have to say
this one out. But I feel like as long as
he apologizes and owns it and says, like, listen, I'm
sorry that I said that, and he doesn't do it again,
I think that's where I'm at because I think if
you're really sorry, then you're going to change your behavior.
I'm going through the phone. I'm not mad at that.
I know that's really unpopular. I'm not mad at that idea.
I know, I know you hate it. I don't hate it,
(07:18):
And don't people have a right to be angry and
say things they don't mean? And again, yeah, I don't
know this guy, and I wasn't there for that. I
wasn't there for the confrontation, Sandra. But do you think
maybe he was just more stunned that he was caught
because you went through his stuff without him knowing.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
Do you think maybe he would have apologized if he
if you had found out a different way.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
I mean, how else would I have found out?
Speaker 1 (07:40):
Well, okay, and do you think the relationship would have
suffered or would you have thought anything differently of him
if you didn't know that he said those things? Probably not.
Speaker 2 (07:48):
Yeah, I mean I would have been living in blissful ignorance,
like if I didn't know this. But the fact of
the matter is, like we could say all day long,
oh what.
Speaker 3 (07:56):
If this with this? But this is a situation.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
But people have a right to scrubbed, don't they. Yes,
But and self correct.
Speaker 4 (08:05):
I think the issue is more so like, you're disrespecting
me to another group of people, Like I would almost
prefer that he had said this in the argument to
her and they could have worked out their issues there.
But you're literally disrespecting me to a whole other group
of people, taking our fight to a whole other level,
involving other people, and you're feeling this way about me.
I'm your partner, I'm your spouse. You should be able
(08:26):
to get that off your chest to me.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
Yeah, but there's in any relationship, there's a certain group
of people on my side and her side that I
just assume when things aren't going well, that there's communication
going on there. And in fact, in some ways I
might argue beyond even what he said and the fact
that she found it I would I might argue that
it's it might be unfair for him to say a
lot of these things if he expects the relationship to
(08:48):
be resolved, because depending on the depth of what he said.
Now these people you know now that have gotten back together,
are things are working out and now everyone's going to
get together again, and like people are, you know, their
thoughts are clouded, which is why it can be tough
to really go in on the person you're dating with
friends because like maybe your version, your heated version, your
(09:09):
emotional version, is not exactly how it happened, and you're
getting it off your chest and you're feeling better and
you're venting. But then whatever you said is now something
that weighs on people's minds. And then when you call
them and go I got back together with them, now
they're thinking only of the I don't know. It can
be convoluted. But at the same time, who else do
you go to? Who else do you go? You have
a right to communicate to other people in a way
(09:32):
that can be forgiven.
Speaker 4 (09:33):
You have a right, but now you've tainted our relationship
to everybody else.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
And the same way you just explained, like with.
Speaker 4 (09:39):
My brothers, I don't go to them about every time
Big Tim pisss me off, because they're not going to
forget that me and have to be fine in five minutes.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
You're not going to forget. I don't go to my
sister either, But I do have friends that have heard everything,
and I know those people. I know who to go to,
and they're able to moderate. Those people are able to
go okay, because look, I've got buddies who have vented
about their wives to me, and I'm friends with their wives.
But I'm able to stay in my mind, Okay, Well,
you were my friend first, and you're upset, and so
(10:07):
I'm just gonna hear you because you want to be
heard right now. I'm not internalizing that, and I think
you know. They the next day they wake up, or
two days later, a week or a month, they go,
I don't feel that way anymore, and then they're able
to communicate in a helpful way because they got it
off their chest.
Speaker 6 (10:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (10:20):
But as your partner, if I see this communication, then
now my feelings have changed towards you, because now I
feel betray You're having this discussion with somebody else about
our relationship when you haven't even approached me that way.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
Fair enough, fair enough, Exandra, all right, now I'm going
to let you go have a great morning, and thank
you so much for calling. Good luck.
Speaker 3 (10:38):
Thank you. I appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
I don't know, Jay, what do you think.
Speaker 7 (10:42):
I don't like going through the phone, that is, not
unless I need to do unblock myself.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
But because she wouldn't have known about this, and she
admitted that this sort of stuff does not permeate into
their relationship. It's not like he's calling her names and
abusing her and being admits that that's not how he operates.
Speaker 7 (10:57):
Yeah, I don't know. I'm very big on like, I'm
very open. I have to talk things out. So like
everyone around me, like I'm sure you've heard me say
things about Mike and I get into an argument or whatever,
it's not really fair because I think it does change
your view of him. But I also think like people
that really know me know, like like you said, Fred,
(11:18):
like I'm angry. I'm just like you know, I wouldn't
stay with someone if he was like fundamentally a bad person, right,
So like, I don't know, but it is unfair to
the other person. So I see your point, Kiki, where
it's like you know, it's not fair to bring other
people in and they're looking at you all crazy, because
like Mike and I went through a very hard time
and I never thought my parents were ever going to
(11:38):
like forgive him, Like I thought it was like a
done relationship with them, and and you know, we worked
through it, talked through it.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
They're good.
Speaker 7 (11:45):
But like you know, it's times like that where it's
like they it could have went the other way, and
now you're tarnishing how your significant other looks to people
that are important to you.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
So that's a very slip. There are a ton of
variables here, but I will I think I've pointed most
of them out. But I also I think you're right
about the parents. Like once my mom has made a decision,
once I've involved her in something bad and she's made
a decision, it is admittedly going to be very difficult,
which is why I don't involve certain people in my
(12:14):
life unless I'm very positive about the way that I feel,
because you know, my mom and my sister are not
people to flippantly vent to because they're just not because
they're not going to forget. But some of my friends are.
They can hear it and go okay, all right, And
then if I make the judgment call to then go
back to that person or forgive them or work it out, well,
(12:34):
then they do too because I did. Now, there's only
so many times you can do that, and when it
starts to get into really abusive stuff or really really
bad stuff, I think there is an expiration day on
people's patients. But like you have a right to vent,
you have a right to say things you don't mean
and say that you're sorry. Hey, Veronica, good morning. What
do you think?
Speaker 3 (12:54):
Good morning?
Speaker 8 (12:55):
I am coming from a sentiment of place.
Speaker 9 (12:57):
Now.
Speaker 8 (12:57):
I was married for twenty years to my late husband.
We lost him in twenty nineteen. Yeah, he's battling cancer.
But we were together through our high school years. We
got married I was twenty three, and so I'm very
well versed in this type of situation. There were a
lot of things that I would vent to my sister,
(13:19):
to my friends about during an argument that I would
never say or.
Speaker 3 (13:23):
Disrespect him to his face.
Speaker 8 (13:24):
Did I really mean them at the time, Maybe, but
I wouldn't. I didn't really mean them, Like I didn't
really hate him.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
I didn't really you know.
Speaker 8 (13:33):
The things that I would say to my sister or
my friends are not things that I would typically say
to his face. And then like we always had healthy arguments.
We never you know, he was never abusive. He never
called me out of my name to my face, at
least that I know of. But I mean, I did
that and I didn't really mean that. And it's like,
I would never tell this girl. I would tell this
(13:53):
girl that it's you know you said, Fred, you have
a right to vent? And did she have a right
to go through this phone?
Speaker 4 (13:58):
No?
Speaker 8 (13:59):
I never, ever, in the twenty years that my husband
and I were married, I never he never gave me
the reason to have to go through his phone because,
like she said, he doesn't disrespect her to her face.
He doesn't like abuse her and.
Speaker 3 (14:10):
Do stuff like that.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
But maybe quietly.
Speaker 8 (14:12):
He did to his friends, but I never knew about it,
and it was okay because I did it too. So
I think, like you said, Fred, I think a lot
of people they have the right to vent. And do
you really mean those things.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
Maybe in the moment, in.
Speaker 8 (14:23):
The heat of the moment, yeah, but I would never
ever do that to his face.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
And I think she's she's.
Speaker 8 (14:30):
Not overreacting, but she had a right to feel the
way she does. But I'm telling you, coming from the
place that I've been and losing my husband, I would
I just wish couples would be more forgiving and not
so quick to just call it quits all the time nowadays.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
You know, Vernica well said, thank you, have a great
day here too. There are just so few circumstances where
I think going through the phone is a good idea.
I mean, and yeah, you know, there's what do they
call that of the term right now, but it's like
you were looking for something, you found it, so you
feel justified, and it's like, okay, was a confirmation bias.
(15:08):
It's I don't know. There's so few circumstances where I
think you are justified in going through people's stuff behind
their back. And again, I know people who are like, well,
I did it and I found out he was cheating
or I found out she was cheating, So I'm justified maybe,
But how about all the times that people do it,
they don't find anything, or they find something benign, or
they find something that they didn't need to. I mean,
trust me, I've had conversations about loved ones to people,
(15:31):
and I've said things that I regret saying and that
I would never say if I weren't angry, but I'd
rather say it to someone else and have them go
all right, now, let's like, Okay, you said it, now,
let's talk about it. Then say it to the person,
because that could end everything. I might say something in
the heat of the moment that I'm never forgiven for.
It's why I don't get into big fights with people
(15:53):
very often, because what happens is the big fights they
turn into you know, do they turn into something about
something else, and before long you're not even fighting about
the thing you were fighting about anymore. Now you're just
hurting each other. And you got to undo all that
before you can solve the actual problem. Ana, how you doing?
Good morning?
Speaker 6 (16:11):
Hi, good morning are you guys?
Speaker 1 (16:13):
Hey? Thanks for carling, Thanks for listening. What do you
want to say?
Speaker 6 (16:17):
So? I've been in a sixteen year plus relationship with
my current fyance and we have this agreement that you know,
when we have arguments, it's between him and I only
if I need advice or anything like that. I don't
really go up to friends or family and about it
(16:38):
because I think personally, when it comes to relationships is
between you, you and the spouse are your partner.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
Yeah, no, because that was the other point that we
were making as we're kind of going back and forth
here at different scenarios. Is you know it is it
can be unfair to involve you know, your inner circle,
because you know, if you're just temporarily mad, or you
have some personal opinions, or you suspect some things and
then maybe they're not true. Your friends don't forget that stuff.
Speaker 9 (17:02):
Nope.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
And there does come a time and maybe it's not
the first time or the second or the tenth, but
there does come a time where people are getting a
little tired of hearing about the stuff that's going on
that you're not doing anything about, or that you know
what I mean. Like, there's only so many times you
can go to the well before people are like, I
love you and I'll support you, but I can't hear
this stuff anymore because it's like, yeah, if it's all true,
then do something handle your business, right.
Speaker 6 (17:25):
Yeah, Because I've had friends who come to me for advice.
Speaker 8 (17:29):
For relationships, which I don't mind.
Speaker 6 (17:31):
You know, I don't mind doing.
Speaker 3 (17:32):
That for you.
Speaker 8 (17:33):
But at the end of the day, it's your decision.
You decide what you want to do with your relationship.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
Yeah, you come to me fifty times and tell me
that your spouse is the enemy. At some point I'm
going to be like, there's a theme here, and it's
only so many times. There's only so many times I
can support you here. I'm not not your friend, I
don't not love you, but like, if all that's true,
then you got to handle this. Yeah, And then.
Speaker 6 (17:53):
They come tell me they're going to break up with them,
And then like at a weekend party and I see
him with her, I'm like.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
What happened? That can be hard. That can be hard
because if you're a friend, I don't.
Speaker 8 (18:05):
Want to judge the guy either.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
Yeah, and thank you, Anna, thank you for calling. If
you're a friend, then you oftentimes take on the weight
of your friend's dilemma. And like, how many times do
I have to to bear, you know, the herd and
the you know what I mean? How many times do
I have to like be in the trenches with you
before it's like, all right, well, are you gonna do
something about this? Hey? Elizabeth, Hi, Hi, good morning, stay
(18:29):
or go? This woman called us She went through her
boyfriend's phone. After a few weeks after a fight to friend. Yeah,
can you hear me? Okay, yeah, hold on, hold on, Elizabeth,
hold on, let me do my job real quick. So
I'm just recapping here. She went through her her boyfriend's
phone a few months, a few weeks after a fight,
only to find that he had been venting to his
(18:50):
friends in a very negative way about her. And now
she's she has access to this information. She's upset. What
do you think, Elizabeth.
Speaker 5 (18:58):
I think I.
Speaker 10 (18:59):
Need to a breath and just give themselves, you know,
a little bit of space. But I don't think that
either one of them should go necessarily. And you know,
I was hearing somebody else that was awful. A widow,
I'm a widow. She looked back at things with a
whole different view when the person's not there anymore, and
(19:20):
things in the heat of the moment, in the acute situation,
you need to explode. But overall, that doesn't mean that.
Speaker 3 (19:27):
You hate that.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
Yeah, I agree, I agree with you.
Speaker 10 (19:30):
At the same time, with the text messages, she's also
a person, and if she in the moment was getting
a vibe that someone wasn't right, it's killing you to
not try and figure.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
Out what that is.
Speaker 10 (19:42):
So I don't blame her. I don't like the idea,
but I don't blame her for going through a text message.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
Yeah, I don't know. I feel like if she'd never
read that stuff, she never would have known. And she
wasn't you know, we asked the question, she wasn't even
getting the vibe like things were okay. So they had
moved past it, you know, And so people make mistakes,
people say things they don't mean, they move on, they cope.
And now she's sort of re regurgitating an old fight
(20:09):
that he's that everyone had moved past. So I don't
know about this, but Elizabeth, I'm sorry for your lost
and thank you for sharing. Have a great day.
Speaker 10 (20:17):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Love me, Guys love you too. I don't Christina, Hi,
good morning.
Speaker 9 (20:22):
Hi, Good morning everyone.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
Hey welcome. What do you want to say about stairgo.
Speaker 9 (20:26):
Oh man, what a drama filled morning?
Speaker 10 (20:29):
This is?
Speaker 8 (20:30):
Well.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
I think we're saying hold on for the record, Christina,
I think we've stayed on the air. I think we've
stayed on the air the whole hour, So that's less
drama than we've been experiencing. Okay, Yeah, you.
Speaker 9 (20:42):
Know, all I want to comment you is, I know
the type of behavior that she was doing, just going
through his phone and whatnot. When I would argue with
my boyfriend when I was much younger, I was just
looking for a reason to be above him and keep
fighting with him. And so I honestly believe that she
was looking for a reason to continue the argument. And
the fact that the trust is now broken, I don't
(21:03):
think that she felt secure in this relationship. The fact
that she's already hurting her own feelings going through his phone,
invading his privacy, like it's just very mature in my opinion.
If you felt very secure and loved in your relationship,
regardless of you know, the fight, then you wouldn't be
going through your partner's phone. And well, I know very
(21:24):
well she's probably saying the same thing to her friends
about him.
Speaker 3 (21:27):
She just hasn't been caught.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Oh well, and again, Christie, I can only speak to
my perspective of what I would do. But I'm a
highly imperfect person. I've said any number of things in
my life to other people about someone that I am
so glad I never said to them. I got it
off my chest. I said it, I regret it, it's over,
and it was better that I get I in fact,
don't you have people in your life who are like calm,
(21:50):
Like when you're upset with that person, call me, like
my therapist has said to me before, Like when I'm
in relationships out that called me, don't say it to that.
Speaker 9 (21:58):
Well done, You're like, you know what, I'm going back
to love my partner. But it's just a sheer fact
that the privacy was invaded. And I can't imagine if
she was in his shoes, and if he went through
her phone and saw like her girlfriend's conversations, if he
were to Roboto and say, oh, look what you said.
Now let me get mad at you, even though we
haven't gone past the first fight yet.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
I hear you. Thank you, Christina, have a good day. No,
well America, Well we're trying, but it's by America I
mean to
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Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
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Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.