Stay or Go: Wife Makes Husband Meet Birth Mom

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
One o three five Kiss FM, Chicago's number one hit
music station, The Fresh Show is on. It's stay or Go.
All right, abye, it is here. Good morning, a welcome
to the show. How are you.

Speaker 2 (00:12):
Hey? You there?

Speaker 1 (00:14):
Yeah? Oh no, we're here.

Speaker 3 (00:15):
Ay.

Speaker 1 (00:16):
What's going on with.

Speaker 2 (00:18):
This?

Speaker 1 (00:18):
Is your wife? Right?

Speaker 2 (00:21):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (00:22):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (00:22):
Kind of going through a little something with my wife here?

Speaker 1 (00:25):
All right, Well, thank you for the note. So you
I want you to kind of walk us through this.
But I you were adopted, but you never met your
birth mother, right, that's where this whole thing. That's kind
of like where it starts.

Speaker 2 (00:39):
Yeah, correct, correct, Like you said, I'm adopted. I've never
met my birth mother. I made it very clear my
whole life to everybody, not just my wife, but to everybody,
that I have no interest. I do not want to
meet my birth mother, my biological mother. Never something I

(01:02):
wanted to do. I took a DNA test recently because
I needed to know if I had any specific health
issues and try to figure out some background about my
my health.

Speaker 1 (01:17):
Really, yeah, a lot of people doing this because you know,
if you don't have a relationship with your birth parents,
then there's there are holes obviously in your in your
lineage or you know in your history as to what
what might be sort of looming there and if you
want to have kids. I know that can also be
helpful to know ahead of time, you know what might
be in your family history from a health standpoint, but

(01:38):
you don't You don't know, right because you don't know
this woman, right right, I don't know.

Speaker 2 (01:43):
Yeah, I don't know any any of my family. So
I wanted to take this DNA test, right, Okay, So
my wife goes behind my back and finds my birth
mother and sets up a meeting, thinking it was it
was going to be a good thing. I went to

(02:04):
the meeting and I met my biological mother, and it
did not go well at all.

Speaker 1 (02:15):
Yeah, like to avoid this your whole life and then
for it to happen and then it not go well.
It's like, well, this is why I was avoiding it, right,
Like this is I wasn't. I didn't want to do this.

Speaker 2 (02:24):
Yeah, I didn't want to do it. I had a
feeling that whatever I'm going through, it just it was
something I did not want to do.

Speaker 1 (02:36):
You know.

Speaker 2 (02:37):
She thought she was helping my wife I'm talking about
she thought she was helping She wasn't and it's just
something I can't seem to get over. I'm really upset
at my wife. It's something she knew I didn't want
to do. She made me go to this meeting anyway,
and now it's just something I can't undo, I can't

(02:59):
take back.

Speaker 5 (03:00):
And.

Speaker 2 (03:02):
I just I feel like I can't get over it.
I feel like I'm I don't know if this is
something I'm ever going to get over.

Speaker 1 (03:08):
I'd be betrayed on any level, like because I'm thinking
in my head, what could she have done to get
this information for you to, you know, because we could
potentially affect if you want to have children, It could
affect children, and that would be half hers. So I
can understand her interest in this, But like, I don't
think I have estrangement, right, I'm a stranger in my
birth father. I don't. I would not be okay if
my wife called him and had some form of interaction

(03:30):
with him, even if it was just a fact finding mission,
I wouldn't be okay with it. I certainly wouldn't be
okay if there was a meeting broker that I wasn't
a part of, especially if I expressed my wishes, which
is I want nothing to do with this. I've had
nothing to do with this. I've made a conscious decision
in my whole life not to have anything to do
with this. So why are you now going and deciding
this is what I should be doing. I wouldn't be

(03:51):
okay with that. And so where are you guys at now?
Like you did it because okay, okay, it's been set up,
so I'll do it. Maybe she encouraged you. It goes poorly,
So now you're mad?

Speaker 2 (04:04):
Yeah, very mad. We had an initial blowout, big argument
that day into the next day, lasted, you know, quite
a while. We were pretty I was pretty upset at her,
and lately we've been, you know, kind of cordial to
each other, but it's just been a lot of tension.

(04:26):
It's just it's just festering inside me. I'm getting very
angry when I see her, you know, our time together,
and I'm just I just I'm not over it. If
I'm being honest, I feel like it's something I'm not over.
I'm going to take me a while to get over
if I'm even going to get over it. But it

(04:47):
was a I can't help but to take it as
an act of betrayal from her. And I don't know
what to do from here.

Speaker 1 (04:59):
Well, let me take some calls on this, because it's
his group therapy, of course, eighty five to five unlicensed
group therapy. Ie, you get what you paid for eight
five five five nine to one and one o three
five you can call it texta the same number. I'm
gonna take these calls. Have the radio one uh and
you can hear people have to say. But good luck
with all of this. It's a tough situation. I'm sorry
going through it. I appreciate it. Yeah, take care of man,
Thanks for listening. What do you guys? I mean, I

(05:20):
don't what jumps out of you.

Speaker 6 (05:22):
I'm big on intention, right, So, like, I understand he
feels betrayed and this is not what he wanted. But like,
I don't think his wife's intention was to hurt him
in any type of way. If anything, she may, because
she's his partner, may notice some issues there, some mimmy
issues and some things that are not resolved, and this
might have been her attempt to try to help, although

(05:44):
not the best way, and it really wasn't up to
her to do that. I really hope he doesn't leave her,
because I do think she had she didn't have ill
intention in setting this up.

Speaker 1 (05:54):
I'm big on intent too, But he did say I
don't want to do this. He has avoided it his
whole life, I know.

Speaker 6 (05:59):
But and then as somebody who's maybe in a relationship
with you may say, you need to confront this. You know,
you need to heal from this, you need some resolution there.
And as your wife and as your partner, I think
she thought she was doing what was best for him.
And you know, even though he still is upset about it,
I think he kind of needed to come like confront it.

Speaker 1 (06:19):
As well and maybe work through it. You can kick you,
this is a big deal. It's hurt, it rupt to you.
But this is a big deal. Like what else is
she going to take into her own hands that is his?

Speaker 6 (06:28):
I know, I just don't think it was ill intent
at all. And I just, you know, yeah.

Speaker 7 (06:32):
I'm really big on not going I mean, he said,
he said it over and over and over, and now
he's probably way more hurt than he was.

Speaker 1 (06:41):
I don't know what the mom said.

Speaker 7 (06:42):
And I also think if you're not in a situation,
you can't understand how it affects you. So I'm assuming
that she wasn't adopted, so she may not know how
that feels.

Speaker 4 (06:51):
And maybe he.

Speaker 7 (06:52):
Had you know, great parents growing up and they weren't
his biological parents, but he doesn't want maybe they didn't
want him to go, So I'm not for it. I
think if somebody says I don't want this over and
over again, I don't think you can go behind someone's
back and do that, and I wouldn't be able to
get over it, especially that it ended badly.

Speaker 1 (07:08):
Well. I haven't shared this before because well there was
there's also estrangement on my mom my mom's part of
the family with her sisters, and that woman just passed away,
so I guess I can say it. But you know,
she has an estranged child, an extended member of my family,
and that child reached out found my mom on like
a ancestry or one of those things, reached out and

(07:30):
specifically said I do not want any I don't want
any contact with this person. Do not tell like I
know I'm asking a stranger for a lot, but I
am about to have children. We're trying to have kids,
and I do want to know what I'm up against.
Would you mind? You know I'm not asking for any
sort of link up here. I just want you to
provide me with the information, which my mom did and
kept her personal opinion out of it for the most part. Wow,

(07:52):
because you know, I think she would have probably encouraged
this person not to go down that road. But again,
it's one of those things where you know, had a
decision to make right. It was, you know, and obviously
the estrangement helped. They weren't talking anyway, But I mean,
I thought it was a very valid question something I
had never considered before that Hey, I don't I don't
know what's looming, and if you've never met your birth parents,

(08:14):
you may not have any clue what you're up against
one hundred person.

Speaker 8 (08:17):
So yes, I think what this you know, his wife
did was a form of betrayal, going behind somebody's back,
I do, one hundred percent. But as somebody who goes
to the doctor and I'm constantly asked like, you know, oh,
tell me about your father's you know whatever health history,
and somebody who's never even met their biological father me,
I that question just I can't answer it because I
don't know. So like I have a child now too,

(08:38):
so obviously you know, I don't know what my dad,
you know, his health and all of them, what that
looks like for me in my future because I don't
have that answer. So like the only thing or part
I respect out of this is that maybe that he'll
get some medical information that he'll need.

Speaker 1 (08:51):
He is that something that you got.

Speaker 7 (08:52):
I know you've taken DNA test and I know that
you can do the health one. I did the health
one and I think you did and you can see,
you know things that are our gene are showing. Is
that you feel like that's not enough of a sample
survey or whatever to know.

Speaker 9 (09:05):
I mean it is, but like I would rather know,
like oh, my father or from our course side of
the family, you know, our carriers for this, right or
maybe I'm making this out my grandfather had this, like
you know, because I get asked all these questions and
I honestly don't have the answer.

Speaker 1 (09:17):
I just have my mom's infault, right, and that's I
barely have that. I don't know the answers, and I
knew my grandparents.

Speaker 7 (09:21):
By the way, I'm like, I don't know what the
hell health Yeah, they have not to do, but.

Speaker 1 (09:25):
Yeah, I am a way. Good morning, Welcome to the
Friend Show. How are you good, are you?

Speaker 5 (09:30):
Hey?

Speaker 1 (09:31):
So just to recap here doing well, thanks for asking.
This dude is upset because he doesn't talk to his mother.
Never knew his mother got married. They were talking about
sort of like previous health issues and things like that.
The wife went and reached out to the mother, linked
them up without his knowledge, and the meeting went poorly,
and now he's resentful, very resentful. What do you think?

Speaker 3 (09:52):
Yeah, okay, so a couple things first, either needs to
go or they need to go to therapy at a
very bare minimum, just to figure out if like it's
moving on from this is even within the realm of possibilities,
because I mean, obviously he's portrayed like there's literally I
cannot and I understood health things whatever. I cannot think
of though of a reason why she would go behind
his back and not like talk it through with him first, like, oh,

(10:15):
I think this would be good for it, Like there's
just no reason she should have gone behind his back.

Speaker 1 (10:19):
Yeah, I mean in my life, for example, that is
not a debatable thing, like even if you deeply believe
that it is important to me, like if I make
the decision no, the decisions no, and I would expect
my wife if I had one to understand that that's
you know, this is a forty plus year thing you
know that has it's way bigger than that. You know,

(10:39):
so this is this is not for you to sit,
you know, to say, you know what I mean.

Speaker 10 (10:44):
And the other thing that that's too with health like
and I know, like this isn't necessarily a possibility for
everybody because you know, health stuff is expensive and whatnot.
But like there's also like just genetic testing and what
you can go through a doctor. Like there's like which
is actually technically two even more accurate than just word
about whatever. Anyways, there are other options.

Speaker 3 (11:03):
She did not need to do this at all.

Speaker 1 (11:04):
Yeah, yeah, I agree. Hey, Emily, thanks for listening, Thanks
for calling. Have a good day you too. Yeah, now
Liz has a different Liz, you have a different take
on this. Good morning, welcome Hi. And I'm saying this
on the text too. A lot of people feel the
same way, But go ahead.

Speaker 4 (11:19):
Yeah, I mean, I definitely agree that the wife should
not have done it, she should have stayed on it.
But I don't necessarily think it's a go situation. I
think it's something that can be worked out, because you know,
there's a portion of it that he has to take
responsibility and accountability for sure. The wife planned the meeting,
but it was his choice to go through with the meeting,

(11:42):
and I definitely think that's an important piece of the puzzle.
It's not all on her.

Speaker 1 (11:48):
Yeah, But and I don't know this because I don't
know her or really him. But have you ever been
in a relationship where someone just harps on something to
the point where you're like, fine, I'm going to do this.
If anything, he was doing it for her. It almost
seems like, fine, I'll do this, I'll do this for you,
and I'm making I'm taking some liberties here because I
don't know that, but it's like, okay, fine, like you
need It's almost like she needed this information in order

(12:09):
to feel confident moving forward, and maybe I'd like to
believe she thought it would be helpful. But if do
it is like this is not going to help me.
I mean, I think that you got to sort of
respect that, don't you.

Speaker 4 (12:20):
Oh yeah, I totally agree. But you know, I'm very
big on at the end of the day, everybody has choices, and.

Speaker 1 (12:27):
You know, yeah, he could. Thank you, Liz, have a
good day.

Speaker 4 (12:32):
Welcome you too.

Speaker 1 (12:33):
Thank you so much for calling her for listening. Hey Jessica,
good morning, Good morning, Hi Jessica. What do you think
you know?

Speaker 3 (12:41):
Honestly, I agree with Kiki. I feel like there's I
think there's a reason she set it up.

Speaker 5 (12:46):
I mean, if he continuously said no, whether he was
making like subliminal comments or something along with line, something
in her gut sets out like it was something she
needed to do.

Speaker 1 (12:57):
Yeah, And I'm big on intention too, because because I
do think like people need to take into consideration. I
think as a society we need to take into consideration
sometimes like where's somebody coming from when they said something
before we just get, you know, absolutely furious and livid.
And I understand that you're entitled to feel however you
feel about something, but I do think intention matters in
this case though. This is beyond all.

Speaker 7 (13:19):
Of that, and I thinking, you know better like for
somebody than they know the foundational.

Speaker 1 (13:23):
Right like this is this is not you know I
said this and you interpreted it as this. You know,
this isn't like I didn't say good morning to you
in the right way and you get pissed off and
you're mad at me all day, you know, and like,
you know what I'm saying, like what I said good morning,
Like I know what you're mad at me, but like
I say, good morning, this isn't that. This isn't a
communicative you know, a difference, right.

Speaker 5 (13:45):
She loves them, you know, Yeah, I just like you know,
they're married, she loves them, And I feel like I agree, Seeky.
I just feel like there had to have been some
type of reason.

Speaker 1 (13:54):
She did that.

Speaker 2 (13:55):
She's not going to stop and doing like, oh, you
just need to meet her.

Speaker 1 (13:57):
Yeah, yeah, fair enough. But again and kick Y'll get
you to say if you're not going to if we
talked about that and I said no, and you do
it anyway. Now I'm going to wonder for the rest
of our relationship, what else are you going to disregard?
What do you want to say?

Speaker 6 (14:12):
I just think that she loves him. I don't think
she's trying to hurt him. Yes, it did hurt, you know,
it did hurt. She made a mistake, but I don't
think she intentionally tried to set this up to hurt
him in any kind of way.

Speaker 1 (14:24):
Yeah, maybe I agree, Jessica. Thank you have a great day.
Thanks for listening too, Thank you, glad you called Tanya. Okay, Tanya,
good morning.

Speaker 4 (14:34):
Hey.

Speaker 1 (14:34):
So you you have adopted children, correct? Okay? And so
you how would your kids feel about that? Like what
is kind of Can you give us like a little backstory,
a little bit of the context.

Speaker 11 (14:46):
Yeah, yeah, I've had my so I got it as
a single mother. I've had him since they were very young,
so they don't know anything different. And they're fifteen and
seventeen now, okay. And what I'm thinking about is like
the wife hasn't been there all their childhood or all
his childhood, so you know, the white doesn't know the
feelings that he went through growing up.

Speaker 2 (15:06):
Right.

Speaker 11 (15:06):
You know, my children, even no matter how great I
am to them as a mother, they still feel so abandoned.
You know, my own mother didn't love me. You know,
how could that she leave me? And that hurt that
they carried all their childhood and you know, the pain
they've been through. So I think the wife doesn't know
that she's been there maybe three years, five years, you know,
she hasn't seen that all the childhood and all that

(15:26):
trauma that carried along with feeling abandoned by you know,
your birth mother. So I think for somebody to set
that up and to do that if he didn't want
to do on his own, nobody should ever do that
for him. Like I will never do that for my children.
I will, you know, never force them to go meet
their birth mother. They can do it on their own,
but I would never push that on them.

Speaker 1 (15:45):
Well, and you can tell me you can instill in
your kids that hey, maybe maybe you weren't unwanted, Maybe
they were circumstances. I mean, you can say all this,
but and who knows, maybe that conversation would be beneficial
for them to hear from. You know, I don't know
the situation. But let's say that mother was very young
or incapable of caring for them and this was the
best choice for you know, whatever. It's possible that conversation
could benefit them, But they have to decide that it

(16:07):
can't be you because you're the next closest thing. They
trust you, right, and they said no. So now if
you go do it, now, you're putting your relationship with
them at risk. It's almost like another level of betrayal.

Speaker 11 (16:21):
Exactly another in that you know, he's his wife, he
has you know, a relationship with and he trusted her
and now she's making him feel I don't know, maybe
that feeling of like abandonment again, like she's abandoning him
in the relationship, like she's turning on him. Yeah, and
I think that's probably that's what's like.

Speaker 3 (16:35):
Striking with it.

Speaker 1 (16:36):
Yeah, that's hard, that's hard. That's a lot.

Speaker 11 (16:38):
And we don't know what it feels like, you know,
if we unless you're in that situation as a child.
I don't think of any clue what it feels like, right.

Speaker 1 (16:44):
I agree, I agree, Thank you, Tania, have a good day.
I'd be pretty pissed if somebody went around me. Yeah,
and just win. He has a right to be mad.
Don't get me wrong here.

Speaker 6 (16:54):
I'm just trying to extend a little grace to the wife,
Like I just I don't think she tried to hurt.

Speaker 1 (16:59):
You know, well, well forget it, man, don't leave it. Wow,
okay Ki Yeah, Usually I say the I'm gonna say,
I'm surprised. I'm just taking it in the entertainment of