We All Deal with It, But Not the Same

In this "shorty" episode of Association Chat, host KiKi L'Italien opens up about the recent loss of her mother and the surprising complexity of navigating grief. From the unexpected physical and emotional toll to the confusing cultural practices surrounding bereavement, KiKi explores how grief is handled—and often mishandled—across different settings. Tune in for a raw, personal reflection, mixed with moments of humor and insight into the universal experience of loss. Whether you're grieving now or supporting someone who is, this episode is a quick exploration of life’s inevitable challenges.

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Welcome to Association Chat Podcast, thepodcast for association professionals.

(00:06):
You're going to walk away from eachepisode with thoughts on life's challenges
mixed with a little bit of humor.
I'm Kiki Litalian, and this is anAssociation Chat Shorty episode where
we explore a little bit of everything.
Today, we're talking about somethingthat we will all face at some point
in our lives, and that is grief.

(00:30):
I know, not a funny topic.
So here's a question I've been dealingwith personally this past week.
Why is bereavement handled so differently?
everywhere.
I lost my mother after a sudden illness.
And to say that it caught me completelyoff guard is an understatement, but not

(00:55):
because she was in wonderful health.
She wasn't, she was 84 years old.
And so, you know, the possibility ofthis happening, it wasn't so remote.
In fact, my sister and I had spent theprevious year, just trying to get her
into a place, um, independent livingplace where she would basically have

(01:17):
more socialization with other peopleand, uh, have somebody looking after her.
But I had no idea.
of the physicality of grief, the actualimpact on my own health, not to mention
this emotional impact that has hit melike some sort of brick in my chest, the

(01:43):
weight of which is, it's getting a littlebit easier, but it's really, really hard.
My sister and I, and my, my two older.
We're, we're lucky in that we had seteverything up from a power of attorney to
talking through her end of life wishes.
We had her will and testamentdrawn up and she'd agreed to that.

(02:07):
So like this stuff wasnot catching us off guard.
So I don't want anyone to, to hearthis and to think that we were
in some sort of unhappy, terriblesituation when this event occurred.
And yet.
I still felt and feel sounsure about what to do.

(02:31):
One minute I'm going through my life likenormal and the next I don't know if I need
to wear black, celebrate life with brightcolors, go to my normal dental cleaning
appointments, uh, I'm breaking down inthe mall during back to school shopping.
I mean, like I was not prepared.
Considering this is something that'sgoing to happen to most people

(02:54):
at some point in their lives, youknow, I, I was, I was shocked, um,
at how ill prepared I really was.
So what's the deal?
Why is this so hard?
Why doesn't our culture makeit easier to know what to do?
After all, the only things that we know wecan depend on are death and taxes, right?

(03:17):
I mean, that's the way it is and welaugh about it and Yet here we are and
I think back to people who have losttheir parents before Right the people I
know and I had no idea of the the justabsolute impact it has on many people.

(03:39):
So here's the thing.
Grief's confusing.
I mean, who really knows what to do?
In the United States, the way wehandle it is all over the map.
Used to be a lot more clear cut.
used to be pre World War II, people wouldwear black for a certain amount of time.
And then it became like anarmband that was a black armband.

(03:59):
And that indicated to people in socialsituations, Hey, look, this person might
be dealing with something that's hard.
Maybe we treat them a little bitdifferently, a little more carefully.
Um, because they're going throughsomething difficult versus my situation
where I'm going through a mall tryingto take my daughter back to school

(04:21):
shopping and I have someone accostingme to try to put moisturizer on my face
and I'm like, I want you to go to hell.
I don't want to think aboutmoisturizer on my face.
Take your tester and go away.
I've lost, you know, um,somebody who means a lot to me.
I am existing in a world ina way I never have before.

(04:43):
Because for the first timeever, I'm existing in a world
where my mother isn't alive.
And it's like, everythingis just sort of different.
Also, what about going back to work?
You know, in a lot of you know, in theUnited States, a lot of workplaces have
like three to five days bereavement leave.
I'm really fortunate the place I work, wehave unlimited leave if we need to use it.

(05:06):
But like, Do you really, right?
You always feel like you have to go back.
There's stuff that needs to get done.
And so I tried, you know, my mother,uh, she passed away on a Monday.
Immediately my sister and I hadto take care of, you know, things
like securing her apartment andall of these things that are like.

(05:29):
You know, what, what are we doing withthe body and, writing an obituary and,
putting all of these things into order.
And it took us a few days just to do that.
And then I thought byThursday I could try to.
Go back to work.
It was a huge mistake.
Let me tell you, don't try to go backto work that that quickly if you're

(05:51):
ever in the same situation because, um,it did not distract me at that point.
It I did the whole day.
I went through the whole day.
It was very difficult.
My brain was not 100 percent there.
Okay.
And so, um, The Friday I went ahead andtook off because I realized okay, this was
a bad idea lucky long weekend I come back,but I'm telling you this is an unusual

(06:18):
situation For me, even though it's notan unusual situation For a human, right?
We're all gonna deal with loss Sohonestly, I think that The weirdest part
is how little we actually talk about whatworks for us emotionally when we grieve.
So here's my take.

(06:39):
Do what feels right for you.
Bereavement should be as individualas the people we are mourning.
And if you're unsure, Justask someone, talk to people.
Most people are grateful when you careenough to ask about what they need.
Um, I am so thankful when people reach outand just so show a little bit of caring,

(06:59):
the people who showed up immediately withlike, cards and just letting me know that
they cared, that meant the world to me.
But here's, here's a weird thing.
What's, what is the strangest funeraltradition you've ever heard of?
So I had a job for the Joplin Globe whenI was in college writing obituaries.

(07:21):
So I've heard of a lot of strange thingsin my day, but one of the most surprising
that I just recently heard about becauseI'm just, you know, fascinated by this
stuff, Taiwanese funeral strippers.
I'm not even kidding.
Check out a DVD by anthropologist Mark L.
Moskowitz called Dancing forthe Dead Funeral Strippers

(07:42):
in Taiwan, published in 2011.
Let me tell you, um, this is notwhat my mother's memorial service
is going to be like in any way.
By the way, she was unique andlarger than life, but not in that way.
But just so you know, if you reallywant to take it to the limit, there are.

(08:02):
Funeral strippers, they exist,they're a thing somewhere.
So, thanks for tuning in.
I know that this is supposed to sometimesbe comedic and fun, this one, this
shorty was a little bit different.
I think hug your loved ones.
Talk about the hard stuff.
I'll And maybe think abouthow your association handles

(08:23):
bereavement policies for your staff.
After all, the grievingprocess is difficult enough.
Everyone grieves in their own way.
So I will catch you next time as always.
Keep asking questions to learn every day.
As Joseph Campbell once said, the cave youfear to enter holds the treasure you seek.

(08:44):
Have a great rest of the week, everyone.