May 30, 2023 • 6 mins
Everything is in a constant state of change, and sometimes it can be very difficult for many of us to keep up. Resistance creates suffering, so acceptance is the only way forward, but some learning curves are steeper than others. Be gentle with yourself and with everyone else.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:06):
Welcome to the Buddhist Boot Camp Podcast.
Our intention is to awaken, enlighten, enrich, and inspire a simple and uncomplicated life.
Discover the benefits of mindful living with your host, Timber Hawkeye.
(00:27):
Of the many essays I have published over the years, few have ever upset as many people
as this one. As soon as I shared it, my inbox was flooded with furious messages from
people angrily withdrawing their support of my work, claiming there is such a thing as
too much acceptance, tolerance, and compassion. And this, apparently,
is where they draw the line. It surprised me because the message is all about kindness,
(00:50):
patience, gentleness, growth, and open mindedness, so I didn't think recording it
would require a disclaimer, but here it goes:
We do not need to agree on everything; it would actually surprise me if we do.
The intention behind my reflections is to provide food for contemplation,
inviting you to think without telling you WHAT to think. If it gives you pause,
(01:11):
for better or worse, then I'm doing my job.
If you agree, then wear it, so to speak, and if you disagree, then skip it.
At no point is it necessary to attack.
So, I'm glad the feedback wasn't ALL negative. A few people have expressed their gratitude
for openly discussing a matter that intimately hits home for them.
And you know me... if one person in the world
(01:32):
feels less alone and more loved and accepted because of our discussions,
then I stand by my work.
If I say something that is offensive, then, by all means, call me out on it, please.
But just because we may be in disagreement
about a few topics, does not make us enemies. Perhaps that is part of the
learning curve as well. Thank you for keeping an open heart and mind.
(01:53):
I've had my driver's license for 30 years, but I wrote this while on a book tour around
New Zealand and Australia, where for a couple of months, I was driving on the
opposite side of the road. I constantly had to remind myself to KEEP LEFT because I'm
so accustomed to driving on the other side.
Every time I wanted to signal that I was about to change lanes or make a turn, I ended up
(02:14):
flipping on the windshield wipers instead, because those levers are also swapped.
I got better each day, but there was definitely a learning curve.
Actually, since I was trying to break old habits, it's more of an UN-learning curve.
And let me tell you, when other drivers on the road were gentle with me when I made a
mistake, it was easier for me to be gentle with myself as well. Having grown up in
(02:34):
San Francisco, which is very culturally diverse, and after years of worldwide travel,
during which I met people from all walks of life, I consider myself rather open-minded
and supportive of everyone's path. My intention is to never hurt or offend anyone,
but, intention and impact don't always align.
I recently spent the day with someone who identifies as non-binary (gender neutral),
(02:58):
which was a first for me.
And even though I used the correct pronoun for the first two days, I then slipped and
referred to them by the gender they were assigned at birth,
because they visually presented in a way that fit outdated cultural attributes of what
used to be strictly feminine or masculine.
It was an honest mistake to make, like reaching over my left shoulder for the
(03:20):
seatbelt every time I got in the car in Australia, even though the seatbelt has
clearly been over my right shoulder since February. I feel silly for making those
mistakes when I already know better, but there is still a learning curve.
People much farther back than Boy George in the 1980s, or Harry Styles as recently as last
week, have been ushering us towards a more inclusive rather than exclusive future,
(03:43):
liberating us from the confines of gender rigidity of how things used to be.
I truly believe the most dangerous sentence in any language is...
"...but we've always done things this way."
And yet, again, there is still a learning curve.
Have you ever been home when the power went out, so you walked to the kitchen or the
garage to get candles, and when you entered the room, you instinctively flipped the light
(04:06):
switch, even though you knew it wouldn't work because the power was out.
It's why you were in the garage looking for a flashlight in the first place. Flipping the
light switch was purely instinctual. It wasn't stupid or ignorant, it was just a reflex.
When I used the wrong pronoun while
speaking with someone whose physical appearance fit my own outdated idea of what
I thought was gender specific, but in this case was not the gender with which they identify,
(04:31):
It was just like flipping the light switch during a power outage. Again, it wasn't
stupid or ignorant, it was just a reflex.
What I appreciate is that when I used the incorrect pronoun, the other person didn't
react with hostility. They gently corrected me with kind understanding, so I didn't beat
myself up about making a mistake, which is another outdated instinct I'm trying to break.
(04:52):
While I appreciate their patience, I wouldn't have been surprised if they had reacted with
frustration, because social change takes a long time. Trailblazing new standards,
beautiful as they may be, is frustrating, specifically because of that learning curve.
We can all use a gentle reminder to Keep Left, so to speak, or to use the correct pronoun,
and to ask for help when we need it.
(05:13):
Mistakes are often made with no ill intentions whatsoever. Please be gentle
with yourself and with everyone else, even if gentleness is a brand new concept for you.
I, myself, am trying it out for the first time.
It is liberating to leave rigidity behind and embrace the world for all the ways it CAN be,
rather than clinging to the way it has been so far. It is a VERY steep learning curve
(05:36):
for many of us. So, when you slip from time to time, and you will, just get up and try again.
For those of you who have not withdrawn your support after I shared this,
and the many of you who started contributing because of it,
thank you for keeping this podcast free of corporate sponsorship.
It is made possible thanks to listeners like you who find value in these messages and show
(05:57):
their support with as little as $1 a month through Patreon.com/BuddhistBootCamp
I appreciate you. All of you.
Regardless of how you identify, you are loved, you belong, and you matter. 🙏 Namaste.
Timber Hawkeye is the bestselling author of Buddhist Boot Camp, Faithfully Religionless,
(06:18):
and the Opposite of Namaste.
For additional information, please visit BuddhistBootCamp.com,
where you can order autographed books to support the Prison Library Project,
watch Timber's inspiring TED Talk, and join our monthly mailing list.
We hope you have enjoyed this episode,
and invite you to subscribe for more thought-provoking discussions.
(06:38):
Thank you for being a Soldier of Peace in the Army of Love. 🙏
Welcome to the Buddhist Boot Camp Podcast.
Our intention is to awaken, enlighten, enrich, and inspire a simple and uncomplicated life.
Discover the benefits of mindful living with your host, Timber Hawkeye.
(00:27):
Of the many essays I have published over the years, few have ever upset as many people
as this one. As soon as I shared it, my inbox was flooded with furious messages from
people angrily withdrawing their support of my work, claiming there is such a thing as
too much acceptance, tolerance, and compassion. And this, apparently,
is where they draw the line. It surprised me because the message is all about kindness,
(00:50):
patience, gentleness, growth, and open mindedness, so I didn't think recording it
would require a disclaimer, but here it goes:
We do not need to agree on everything; it would actually surprise me if we do.
The intention behind my reflections is to provide food for contemplation,
inviting you to think without telling you WHAT to think. If it gives you pause,
(01:11):
for better or worse, then I'm doing my job.
If you agree, then wear it, so to speak, and if you disagree, then skip it.
At no point is it necessary to attack.
So, I'm glad the feedback wasn't ALL negative. A few people have expressed their gratitude
for openly discussing a matter that intimately hits home for them.
And you know me... if one person in the world
(01:32):
feels less alone and more loved and accepted because of our discussions,
then I stand by my work.
If I say something that is offensive, then, by all means, call me out on it, please.
But just because we may be in disagreement
about a few topics, does not make us enemies. Perhaps that is part of the
learning curve as well. Thank you for keeping an open heart and mind.
(01:53):
I've had my driver's license for 30 years, but I wrote this while on a book tour around
New Zealand and Australia, where for a couple of months, I was driving on the
opposite side of the road. I constantly had to remind myself to KEEP LEFT because I'm
so accustomed to driving on the other side.
Every time I wanted to signal that I was about to change lanes or make a turn, I ended up
(02:14):
flipping on the windshield wipers instead, because those levers are also swapped.
I got better each day, but there was definitely a learning curve.
Actually, since I was trying to break old habits, it's more of an UN-learning curve.
And let me tell you, when other drivers on the road were gentle with me when I made a
mistake, it was easier for me to be gentle with myself as well. Having grown up in
(02:34):
San Francisco, which is very culturally diverse, and after years of worldwide travel,
during which I met people from all walks of life, I consider myself rather open-minded
and supportive of everyone's path. My intention is to never hurt or offend anyone,
but, intention and impact don't always align.
I recently spent the day with someone who identifies as non-binary (gender neutral),
(02:58):
which was a first for me.
And even though I used the correct pronoun for the first two days, I then slipped and
referred to them by the gender they were assigned at birth,
because they visually presented in a way that fit outdated cultural attributes of what
used to be strictly feminine or masculine.
It was an honest mistake to make, like reaching over my left shoulder for the
(03:20):
seatbelt every time I got in the car in Australia, even though the seatbelt has
clearly been over my right shoulder since February. I feel silly for making those
mistakes when I already know better, but there is still a learning curve.
People much farther back than Boy George in the 1980s, or Harry Styles as recently as last
week, have been ushering us towards a more inclusive rather than exclusive future,
(03:43):
liberating us from the confines of gender rigidity of how things used to be.
I truly believe the most dangerous sentence in any language is...
"...but we've always done things this way."
And yet, again, there is still a learning curve.
Have you ever been home when the power went out, so you walked to the kitchen or the
garage to get candles, and when you entered the room, you instinctively flipped the light
(04:06):
switch, even though you knew it wouldn't work because the power was out.
It's why you were in the garage looking for a flashlight in the first place. Flipping the
light switch was purely instinctual. It wasn't stupid or ignorant, it was just a reflex.
When I used the wrong pronoun while
speaking with someone whose physical appearance fit my own outdated idea of what
I thought was gender specific, but in this case was not the gender with which they identify,
(04:31):
It was just like flipping the light switch during a power outage. Again, it wasn't
stupid or ignorant, it was just a reflex.
What I appreciate is that when I used the incorrect pronoun, the other person didn't
react with hostility. They gently corrected me with kind understanding, so I didn't beat
myself up about making a mistake, which is another outdated instinct I'm trying to break.
(04:52):
While I appreciate their patience, I wouldn't have been surprised if they had reacted with
frustration, because social change takes a long time. Trailblazing new standards,
beautiful as they may be, is frustrating, specifically because of that learning curve.
We can all use a gentle reminder to Keep Left, so to speak, or to use the correct pronoun,
and to ask for help when we need it.
(05:13):
Mistakes are often made with no ill intentions whatsoever. Please be gentle
with yourself and with everyone else, even if gentleness is a brand new concept for you.
I, myself, am trying it out for the first time.
It is liberating to leave rigidity behind and embrace the world for all the ways it CAN be,
rather than clinging to the way it has been so far. It is a VERY steep learning curve
(05:36):
for many of us. So, when you slip from time to time, and you will, just get up and try again.
For those of you who have not withdrawn your support after I shared this,
and the many of you who started contributing because of it,
thank you for keeping this podcast free of corporate sponsorship.
It is made possible thanks to listeners like you who find value in these messages and show
(05:57):
their support with as little as $1 a month through Patreon.com/BuddhistBootCamp
I appreciate you. All of you.
Regardless of how you identify, you are loved, you belong, and you matter. 🙏 Namaste.
Timber Hawkeye is the bestselling author of Buddhist Boot Camp, Faithfully Religionless,
(06:18):
and the Opposite of Namaste.
For additional information, please visit BuddhistBootCamp.com,
where you can order autographed books to support the Prison Library Project,
watch Timber's inspiring TED Talk, and join our monthly mailing list.
We hope you have enjoyed this episode,
and invite you to subscribe for more thought-provoking discussions.
(06:38):
Thank you for being a Soldier of Peace in the Army of Love. 🙏
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