March 19, 2025 • 58 mins
Dating today looks nothing like it did a decade ago. With shifting societal expectations, online connections, and an evolving understanding of relationships, how can we navigate modern dating with clarity and confidence?
In this episode of Emboldened with Jessica, Jessica is joined by Cortenay Crosson—a trauma-focused somatic bodyworker. They break down the complexities of contemporary dating. They discuss the impact of societal norms, the role of personal experiences, and the dynamics of genuine connection. From online dating trends to understanding body language, setting boundaries, and dealing with rejection—this conversation is packed with actionable insights to help you curate a dating experience that aligns with your needs and values.
If you’re ready to take charge of your dating life, embrace self-reflection, and build deeper connections, this episode is for you!
Takeaways:
🔹 How societal expectations shape dating dynamics
🔹 The role of embodiment and nervous system awareness in relationships
🔹 How to recognize red flags, set boundaries, and navigate rejection with self-compassion
🔹 The importance of humor, direct communication, and emotional wellness in dating
🔹 How to curate relationships that honor your personal needs and values
🔹 How social media and dating apps shape modern relationships
🔹 Why self-awareness is the key to authentic connections
🔹 The art of gracefully ending relationships and moving forward with clarity
💜 Love the show? Support Emboldened with Jessica! 💜
Your donation helps cover production costs and improve audio quality. Click here to donate and keep the bold conversations coming! Thank you for your support! 🙌✨
To follow and support Cortenay Crosson, or The Healing Collective, LLC
Website: www.CortenayCrosson.com
TikTok: TheHealingCollectiveLLC
Instagram: TheHealingCollectiveLLC
Facebook: TheHealingCollectiveLLC
Credits:
Host: Jessica Jackson
Guest: Cortenay Crosson
Produced by: Ariele
Edited by: Ariele
Stay Connected:
Instagram: @EmboldenedwithJessica
Facebook: @EmboldenedwithJessica
TikTok: @EmboldenedwithJessica
Youtube: @EmboldenedwithJessica
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:10):
In this episode of In Bolding with Jessica, we're breaking the mold on modern dating andconnection.
The world is shifting and so are the ways we find love and build relationships.
From people sliding into DMs to building deep connections in D &D campaigns, streamingservers and online communities, there's no one size fits all approach to love and
(00:33):
relationships.
As we're considering getting out of the box of what a relationship has to be or how itshould look, a lot of us have been socialized with certain messaging about love.
That for women, it should be the thing that you're always hoping for.
And maybe one day someone will find you and select you and then your life can revolvearound them.
(00:57):
And for men, y'all should just have a really good time.
And when it's a nice proper
crude girl comes along.
That should be the one that you fall in love with.
A lot of that messaging, we don't have to subscribe to that anymore.
So whether it's that all relationships have to end in marriage or that they all need to bemonogamous where they should all include sex, we have an opportunity to decide and curate
(01:26):
what it is that we're needing in this season, in this era of our lives.
And over different time spans, we have different needs.
They shift.
Sometimes we'll try something and we discover, you know what, that really is not for me.
And so as we're deciding what works for us and what doesn't work for us, in this episode,we're hoping to give you additional information about what some different possibilities
(01:50):
are, some practices on how you can check in with yourself, making sure that you're showingup fully as you are dating.
as you're entering relationships, as you're deepening relationships that you already have.
So we're gonna just talk about some different practices and then it is for you to try onwhat works for you and to toss out the things that don't serve you.
(02:17):
Dating today is more dynamic than ever.
Whether you're meeting someone on a hike, in a TikTok DM, or through a shared love of somereally interesting game that I don't know the name of, sorry, I tried to pull something
from the database and there was nothing there, okay, sorry y'all.
Love and connections are all about finding what works for you.
(02:40):
We talked about in our episode on soft launch and hard launch that sometimes we mightshare with people what it is that we're looking for in relationships.
And sometimes that information might be private to only the people that we're dating.
So again, picking how you want to engage with what it is that you share and what you don'tshare.
I've known some people that when they date, they have like a little bit of a checklistthat they share.
(03:03):
It's a form that they share with people that they're dating.
And on there it has like a variety of things that are important to them from
if that person wants to have children or more children, or if that person needs to have alot of physical touch in the relationship to feel loved and supported.
If that person needs to have time periods where they're left alone because maybe it's likesensory overload or they need some introvert time, or maybe they are a parent of a small
(03:34):
child who's like requires a lot or a child in general.
They require a lot.
But an opportunity for a person to just say what it is that they need and for a person tobe able to fill out this checklist and share what it is that they're also needing so we
can see if there's some alignment there.
(03:58):
Let's find it helpful to have a little bit of some statistics to kind of get a sense ofwhat else is happening in the world with other people and dating.
A recent study found that one in four couples who met online started their conversation onsocial media, not dating apps.
So this is a huge shift from the way things were.
I also have recently seen a number of studies citing that people are shifting from onlinemeeting and they're meeting in these kind of community
(04:26):
things whether that's a walking club or a book club or something else that is happening inthe community that is really pulling them in.
So while there are some challenges of online dating, I think of online dating as a tool.
And with any tool, it could be positive or negative depending on how that tool is used.
For online dating, while 30 % of adults have used dating apps, the study says that only 12% report long-term success.
(04:54):
and how they're defining long-term success, I'm not sure.
If the person is happy with the outcome in the long run, I'm assuming that's what isreferenced there with the long-term success.
And that meeting people through mutual friends is 40 % more likely to have a lastingrelationship.
So if Aunt Mildred wants to introduce you to someone, you know, it may be a good look.
(05:15):
It may be a terrible look, because she's not a mutual friend, but hey, you know, AuntMildred might be onto something.
Another consideration when we talk about meeting someone through some kind of activitythat we're passionate about, whether that's volunteering or whether we're really in tune
(05:36):
with nature and we like to do cleanups at parks and things like that.
Another piece of mind to consider is that when we're doing the shared activity, somethingthat we like, and we're meeting someone in that same activity, we're releasing dopamine,
which helps us to build a stronger connection with them.
So we might feel a much deeper connection with them than say someone we met online that wedon't necessarily have much in common with other than maybe we're very physically
(06:05):
attracted to them.
It sounds like I'm dissing the online dating and I'm not, because again, that really doeswork for some people.
But I also want to put out some other options.
So a study showed that Gen Z is more likely to meet partners through Instagram or TikTokthan traditional dating apps.
And one of
things that I recommend for people as they are dating is to be less worried about if theother person likes you and to really slow down and notice what is happening for you in
(06:35):
your body as you're interacting with this person.
Is it that you're feeling like you can be more of your authentic self with them?
Is it that you're feeling that you need to guard certain aspects of yourself because youdon't know if they will like that?
Are you?
noticing that maybe you feel really tense when you're gonna see them.
Have you been coding that tension to excitement?
(06:58):
Is it excitement?
Is it anxiety?
Just things to be curious about as we're interacting with different people.
Bye!
We're very fortunate today we have a special guest, Cortenay Croson.
She is a trauma-focused somatic body worker, educator, and activist who has a deep passionfor the ways systemic oppression and embodiment intersect.
(07:23):
With over a decade of experience, Cortenay has dedicated her work to creating healingspaces that center and uplift historically undervalued communities.
In 2019, she founded the Healing Collective,
a sanctuary for those seeking support, restoration, and resilience.
Her approach is compassionate, deeply informed, and rooted in the belief that healing isboth personal and collective.
(07:49):
For those wanting to learn more about Courtenay or to learn more about the HealingCollective, they can be found as the Healing Collective LLC on TikTok, Instagram,
Facebook, and you can also check out her personal website.
Cortenacrossin.com.
I'm gonna link all of this information in our show notes, so I know I didn't spell thatout, but I got you, okay?
(08:28):
Welcome to the show, Enboldened with Jessica.
Today we're gonna be talking about dating, love, all the good gushy stuff.
Joining us, have Courtney Cross and Courtney, thank you for joining us.
Thanks for having me.
As we're talking about dating and relationships, you know, this seems to be like a reallyhot topic for most people.
(08:50):
Why is this an interesting topic for you?
It's interesting for me because I think my dating life has been radically different thanmost people.
So I have a really wide view of what dating can be.
so I think people are curious about my views on dating, but also it makes me very curiouson other people's views on dating.
(09:12):
So when you say it's different than other people, is that because you're a woman of colorand we live in like a small town?
Is that what we're speaking about?
It's that, it's the expectation of like married with kids.
You know, the high school sweetheart kind of storyline, the kind of people I should bedating.
(09:34):
The expectation of who I should be with.
All of that stuff.
You know what?
That's one of the things we actually wanted to talk about this episode is that a lot oftimes the ways that we view relationships are based off of everyone else's standards and
expectations of what it should look like and that we have the freedom to curate that to bewhat it is we need it to be.
(09:54):
And so there can be an emphasis on you get married, then you move in together, then youhave kids.
And for most people, that's just not what works for them.
And so getting out of what maybe people are expecting or wanting for you and figuring outwhat does that look like for me?
Maybe it's not a monogamous relationship.
Maybe it's not a, like where we have these traditional kind of roles in the relationship.
(10:18):
Maybe it looks like you come over once a week, you put in a little work and I don't needto see you again until next week.
And everyone's okay.
Everyone's all right with it.
It's really important, I think, that people figure out what works best for those people.
know, every structure to me is completely different, and every person I've been with hasdepended on what I want for that time in my life.
(10:39):
And it's worked out great for me.
Ooh, now I want to get into the nitty gritty.
Yes.
Is there a dating story that you are open to sharing?
And it could be a beautiful dating story.
It could be a dating story that maybe you want to forget.
(10:59):
Something specific?
Yeah, just like how it has gone for you because part of what I want to do is normalizejust the variance in terms of what dating can look like for different people.
And, okay, we want to know a little bit more about you.
What we want to see?
Okay, how about I give you some cliff notes to sections of my life?
(11:20):
Okay.
We can figure out what stands out the most.
Okay.
And you can just revisit that with maybe more details.
So growing up, high school, I was more isolated than anything.
I was a good kid.
Wow.
Like almost graduated a virgin kid.
Quiet, stuck to myself.
(11:41):
I mean, I had friends and everything, but I wasn't like out in the streets.
Okay.
you were kind of what a parent might think that their kid is doing.
Yes.
That kind of version.
Because I mean, there's no good or bad.
Like, had you been, you know, out having a good time, you wouldn't have been a bad kid.
But you were traditional.
(12:01):
You weren't really dating too much, is that what I'm
I was not dating too much.
mean, I talked to a couple of boys here and there.
had, I think, two people I considered boyfriends.
Okay.
You know, we made out.
Yeah.
That was it.
Then when I got to college...
the eyes got wide y'all.
was flipped.
I was overwhelmed.
(12:22):
I was in a hip hop dance crew.
This seemed to be really in for millennials.
feel like every other millennial was it.
Some kind of dance crew.
Yes, we were doing footwork.
We were doing all things.
you were?
Yes.
Okay.
And because of that, a of people knew who we were.
So I had a lot of attention.
And I did not know what to do with that attention.
(12:42):
So I did all of it.
Yes.
And that continued through my 20s for the most part.
Okay, so you were dating, exploring, seeing what you
no boyfriends, no one serious.
Yeah.
And then like my views on, think relationships got really skewed because I worked at astrip club for four years.
(13:04):
And so I was like, men.
you were kind of seeing the worst of.
Yeah.
I is.
It was very transactional, guess the best way to put them in a very transactionalcategory.
Now, I'm still curious about something.
When you were dating in college and you were dating different kinds of people, I'm curiousif you had the ability to date more kinds of people, not just because you're on the dance
(13:30):
club, but were you in a town that, or were you around people that were more diverse atthat point?
Absolutely.
Okay.
Yeah.
So like, you know, being where we're at, predominantly white schools.
I would say I may go to public school.
Most of my friends were black and brown people.
I'm being extra, but I feel like there are a lot of people of color I know who they didn'tknow they were beautiful or really good looking in the schools that they were in, because
(13:57):
they were around a lot of white bodies.
white features are what was the image of beauty.
And it wasn't until they were around more diverse people that they were like, dang, OK, Igot it.
And so I'm just curious about if that was part of it for you, was that?
there are more people who are like, whoa, okay, who is this?
(14:18):
I want to get to know her.
If that was part of what you experienced when you were in college.
I think my experience was more awkward because I'm light skin and mixed.
That like, I could feel the presence of men and their attention because I had curly hairand light skin, drove me bananas.
(14:42):
really?
Yeah, so I really distanced myself from dating a lot of people because of that.
So when I got to college, there was more variation of people.
and like I wasn't the only light skinned girl around, you know?
it was...
Right.
I got you.
So then I got to like explore what it was like to be a wanted person for, you know,because I was smart and because of what I was talented in doing, you know, all those other
(15:06):
things versus just being the light skinned girl.
Yes, yeah, well, I mean, you are always more than that.
But when you're around people who are racist and they have their kind of views and theywant to fetishize people that are different than them, then it has an impact.
Like, you're not trying to those people.
you didn't.
Right.
(15:26):
Which I had a lot of guy friends, which, you know, we can always talk about it.
I believe in my friends.
I do.
How many of them were just waiting in the hedge?
They do be waiting in the hedges.
They do be waiting.
They're like, just wait for that moment where you're like crying over something to showup.
(15:48):
Or they get mad because you date other people and not them, right?
Yeah, like I was the good guy all along.
Like you should get a gold star for being a human being to me.
Thank you.
How dare I date someone else before I come over here.
Yeah, that is a whole, that is a whole episode right there.
Cause there, I mean, I, I work with so many men who don't believe that men and women canbe friends, which is interesting.
(16:09):
But for the most part, heterosexual men that are friends with heterosexual women, thereusually is some form of an attraction.
Even if we're not, we're not seeing them in that way.
Maybe.
I don't know.
Like my longest closest friend is 25 years deep and yeah.
(16:31):
Really?
And they've never been waiting in the hedges?
No, like we tried to date when we first had...
That's how we met, is I pursued him.
So that's what I mean.
There had to be some attraction at some point.
I think that they can be friends, but I'm real hard pressed to find a male friend I've hadover the years that wasn't trying to get with me that's heterosexual.
(16:55):
Can I offer something?
So my theory about this, which I'm sure is not something I've made up, it's definitely acombination of things I've heard, is that men always equate attraction with romance.
And so they might like you as a friend, but because they want to hang out with you, theyassume it has to be romantic.
Yes, okay, there's a lot of things there that happen that are confusing.
(17:19):
And it's so funny, this keeps coming up today.
I've talked to a few people today about how there's so many men and women, we've beensocialized to believe that women who hold the kind of emotional wellness and wellbeing,
and so like, if there's anything that's on their mind that they wanna talk about, theyhave to talk to a woman about that.
(17:39):
And it's usually gonna be a woman that they're in a romantic relationship with.
But if they're sad, if they're depressed, if they're going through something, they feellike they can't talk to anyone else about that.
So it's like all this emotional dumping that they expect of their partners that are women.
so there is like kind of this, so like if I'm cool with you and you're a woman, then itmust obviously be because I want to have sex with you or I want to date you.
(18:05):
It's hard.
I don't know.
I think it's the way we've been socialized.
I agree.
And it happens with touch in a lot of ways.
Like people not being able to receive touch unless they think it's leading to somethingelse.
Like platonic touch, holding hands, gently resting against somebody, whatever it is,always has to turn into something else or always mean something other than just you're
(18:27):
touching.
But when I started in my 20s, officially dating women and like I kind of just opened up.
You said officially dating women.
You were dating women?
Yes, so I am pansexual.
date everybody.
So like probably early 20s I was like going out with women.
Like actually in like actively dating in relationships with women.
(18:48):
And I was like, I don't know if I could ever really be with a man.
Really?
Yeah, like it just, it's so.
Because you were you were getting all of that encoding about men being kind of toxic whenyou were working in the strip club Okay, that makes sense to me
Yeah, and I was like, it's like, it's cool over here.
I like it over here.
We're great.
Everything's fine.
But even opening up further to like trans people, non-binary people, I'm kind of, it'svery hearts over parts energy.
(19:16):
But I think most people assume that I am heterosexual because my most prominentrelationships or longest have been with men.
But I use they a lot.
And people just, I think assume men because they've seen me with men.
When people see me with a man, they assume I'm on a date.
But when they see me with a woman, they assume we're just, I'm out with my girlfriend.
(19:37):
Interesting.
Or like a friend.
Yeah, there are a lot of interesting assumptions people make.
So I'm out a lot with women, but people just don't realize that I'm out with a woman.
My longest relationship started, I was 28, 27, 28, somewhere in there.
And it ended when I was 35.
And then I was like very casual from then on out until now.
(19:59):
And I'm in a relationship again with also a man, which is very surprising to me.
you
curious about anything that you feel like would be helpful for people who are looking todate that can be body language or ways that they can be open to meeting the right people
(20:20):
because it's hard.
Okay.
Advice for people trying to meet someone?
My first instinct is do the things you like to do.
Because it takes the pressure out of meeting somebody.
Because if you're just doing something you like to do, then there's already energy forthat thing there.
And you don't have to create all the atmosphere for connection.
(20:45):
And then you feel like it's a waste when you don't meet anyone at the thing that if thatwas the only reason why you were gone.
Right.
You're like, I shouldn't have done this.
I could have been at home watching TV.
Yeah, it is lovely.
I mean, you can be men there too.
Yes.
At home?
Yes.
I mean, yes, okay.
I guess there are assholes.
I kind of hope we talk and...
(21:05):
out.
There is meeting people IRL in real life, right?
And then there is the meeting people online.
And I'm just curious about our body language, like when we're out with people.
And I think it's harder for people to approach someone when they're with their friendsbecause they're worried about the rejection of that.
(21:27):
So sometimes I'll be with a group of people and I have to walk away from them if I seesomebody fine.
I don't know if I've ever had that issue.
Okay.
I mean if I find someone attractive I'll talk to them.
Absolutely.
Okay that's nice.
I've never been scared of somebody.
Now what are you looking for that gives you the indication that maybe this person would besingle or this would be an okay person to approach?
(21:49):
I'm looking for everything.
I'm looking for who they're leaning into when they talk.
I'm looking for how social they are.
If they're a person who's just like really quiet to themselves, I'm going to assume thatthey don't want attention or too much company.
I might softball a question.
Hey, what's good here?
Or have you been here before?
(22:10):
Something really easy, low risk, doesn't matter if they answer or not, right?
And if they're not interested in talking, they'll give a one word answer, something veryshort and go back to the thing they were doing.
But if they continue to talk, then there's like, that's an open door.
Hmm, this is so funny.
You answered the question, but in a different way.
Yeah, so I was wondering what kind of body language a person could have to show thatthey're interested.
(22:34):
And then you were able to tell me exactly what it is that you look for to know that theymight be open.
So it's so funny because your approach is you're you're a hunter.
But you're like, I'm not going to passively stand around and do something.
Everyone is different.
But no, I think you're absolutely right.
It is in the body language.
(22:55):
If we're open to talking to someone, having our body look open, right?
Smiling, it's eye contact.
It's initiating conversation.
All of those things.
mean, people, people try to invade my space a lot.
And I'm like, you're too close.
don't like that at all.
If you want to talk about that, go up a bit.
(23:16):
Yeah, that's weird.
I think it's funny you called me a hunter.
Because I'm imagining if I go to my local bar and I see someone who I find attractive,I'll probably try to get their attention to come to me.
Right?
So I am making longer eye contact or like glancing over more times.
(23:41):
Yeah, you're lining up that prey.
Yeah, and then if they're not doing what I want them to do, then I'll send a drink or, youknow, I'll like get up and go say something or ask them where the bathroom is.
Something really random.
I think that those are beautiful ways to kind of start a conversation and just to see whatthe engagement is.
I mean, because sometimes people are shy and it takes them a little bit of time to likerespond or you know, like they might come over again later.
(24:05):
And so yeah, like the openness of giving them a softball, so to speak, but also beingactive in meeting someone.
So whether you're at the grocery store, it's interesting to me how many people approachfolks in grocery stores.
Do they approach you in grocery stores?
I have had that happen.
It's usually interesting.
(24:26):
Never anyone I actually want to date.
I mean...
free range out there.
It very much is.
Especially, yeah, I would leave it at that.
But the homosexuals be at the grocery store too, you know.
And I don't want a homosexual.
No, no.
need a home.
(24:46):
Yes, not with me.
OK.
I think people pay a lot of attention when they're dating on if this person likes me orthey're trying to figure that out like constantly.
And one of the invitations I like to give people is to consider, I like this person?
What am I noticing with myself when I'm around them?
(25:07):
Like, am I looking forward to seeing them or am I like super nervous?
Is it that I'm like waiting for them to cancel or I like so excited to like schedulesomething else as soon as we've been together.
And so I'm
curious around if there's anything that you like to do to kind of check in with yourselfwhen you're dating to get a sense of do I like this person?
(25:30):
Previously, it's always, it's been about my comfort level.
I think I'm a really playful, joking, lighthearted person who has a very more serious job.
And so if I'm around somebody who brings out the funny, excited, childlike, playful personin me, then I know I'm in a comfortable place.
(25:52):
And not as like a defense mechanism.
But if I find like I'm putting my work hat on and analyzing this person and...
there's a red flag.
If I'm doing that, I'm not interested.
I'm already checked out.
That's fair.
Sometimes the things that we think are exciting are really our body, our nervous system,like kind of trying to warn us, right?
(26:15):
So sometimes what we think are butterflies are not butterflies.
It's really the anxiety.
I figured butterflies were not butterflies when I was in high school.
I worked at a department store and there was this fine international man who was a studentat the university.
And I thought I was in love with him.
Now he was in college, I was in high school.
(26:36):
Okay.
And I just, there was just something about this man.
And so there was this day I was working in like a different department and he happened,and this guy comes up and I thought it was him.
And I had like had the butterflies and I was like, ooh, this is so exciting.
And I look over and it wasn't even him, it was someone else.
And I said, wow, isn't this fascinating?
It's not the person that creates the feeling, you know?
(26:59):
And for me, I was like, Now I didn't know that it can always be, it can also be anxiety ortrauma sometimes when we feel that.
kind of that flutter, but checking in with ourselves of like, when we're with a reallygreat friend or we're with someone that we know really cares about us and supports us, how
does that feel?
And then also how does it feel as we're dating different people?
And I think that usually our body is giving us some signs and things and we don't alwayshave to interpret in the moment, we just notice it, we can journal about it.
(27:28):
Because when I read those journal entries later, I'm like, wow.
Oh man, I've been going through some stuff.
And look back, I'm like, you didn't even like him that much.
Hello.
I knew immediately I was not gonna be with this person.
And I still was heartbroken about it, why?
You know, be like that.
It'd be like that.
It's all part of the journey.
(27:50):
There's been a shift of people moving away from some of the dating apps and people aremeeting in other ways, like through social media or through like a discord server or
what's that thing those young people do when they're gaming and they watch people's atTwitch?
Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean.
know, got your people gay.
(28:12):
That is wild to me.
But you know, you like it.
I love it.
Now I'm curious about dating on
Yeah.
So you had an experience with this, am I correct?
I say seven years of my life I've found or met people online.
(28:33):
Including my current partner.
My current partner we met on TikTok.
Yeah.
And he's the greatest.
I'm so glad he found
Okay, so we weren't the hunter this time.
No, no, was actively not dating, had not been dating for two years, maybe longer.
And I was on a TikTok live and he rolled up in there and was cracking jokes.
(29:01):
he didn't hit on me.
He was just funny.
And I'm like, great.
Didn't think anything of it.
We still have the same inside jokes now about it.
And then we were, he was leaving comments on a couple of the things that I had posted.
And one of things he asked was for a book recommendation, which is my favorite thing totalk about.
(29:21):
And so I slid into his DM.
So maybe a little Hunter-ish.
Yeah.
And I, but I was like, are you flirting with me?
very direct of you to ask.
because I was like, look, I don't know what's happening here.
I'm very confused and I'm not dating.
I'm not trying to like put any agenda out there if it's not out there.
Yeah.
And we just cracked jokes back and forth from there and it was, that was it.
(29:45):
Hey, I love this.
So sometimes we might meet them in real life, but sometimes we might meet them onlineuntil being open to it could come in different forms.
But it sounds to me like you listen to kind of your roadmap of what works for you in termsof someone who was humorous.
It seemed like you have some similar things in common, like the books, and you weredirect.
(30:08):
You asked questions.
You didn't make any assumptions.
You didn't brush him off and make an assumption that it was nothing.
So you kind of listen to your instincts there.
think as a cis woman, I definitely understand when men are trying to hit on me.
know, when they're like, hey girl, and I'm like, don't even look at me.
I'm already not interested.
(30:30):
there's something about that.
Yeah.
It's better if they go in kind of like where you're getting to know them and you decidethat there are cool people and then it allows something else to build.
It doesn't always happen like that, but that just feels a little bit better.
Yeah, I prefer to just be talked to like a human being, not investigated or vetted.
(30:52):
Yeah.
You know, like, hey, do you want kids?
How old are you?
Where are from?
What do you...
I'm like, I'm already, I'm not interested.
Well, I was just trying to get to know you.
I don't care.
Yeah, I didn't ask for that.
I wasn't interested in any of that.
just...
It's not always safe because then they get real upset and they can be dangerous.
So, yeah, I think that there's a level of caution that women have developed over time whenit comes to dating.
(31:20):
Mm-hmm.
Makes sense.
So I do want to talk a little bit about how to navigate rejection because I think for somepeople, especially people that are new to dating, it can be really surprising if they
don't hear from someone anymore or if they decide they actually don't like this personthey've been talking to for some months and they don't really know how to have that
(31:44):
conversation.
Is there any suggestions or guidance you might give someone for navigating that?
If you are the person who wants to leave someone alone, I always say be kind and betruthful.
okay, kind and truthful.
Okay.
You don't have to dump it all out there, right?
Like is it useful information and not like, well, did you know that you, like that, youdon't have to be cruel about it.
(32:09):
But can you be honest and kind and then just back up and let them have their feelings?
know, hey, I'm not interested.
This isn't working for me.
You know, sometimes people want to know why.
I don't think that's, I think you have to gauge whether or not the person can handle thewhy.
I find in most cases people just want to defend themselves.
(32:29):
The less information the better because then it just becomes something that they'rewanting.
like, this is a person who can take constructive criticism, I might give them a couple ofthings.
Like, this didn't work for me, kind of thing.
To just offer a little closure there.
But in most cases, I'm like, hey, this isn't working for me.
I'm gonna wish the best of luck.
Yes, I think that's really gracious.
(32:51):
It's honest, it's kind.
Yeah, and then it gives, it closes that up instead of just kind of fading out orpretending like everything is fine and then you're taking longer to respond and all of
that.
I mean, unless it's like someone who you're worried about your safety and you think theymight go crazy, that's a little something different to navigate.
(33:14):
just block them.
Yes, we navigate that a little bit differently.
yeah, and I think that part of dating, is rejection that just happens in it.
Whether it's you deciding this person isn't quite what I thought they were or they havechanged up or that person for whatever reason deciding that you're not what is that
(33:35):
they're looking for.
Another thing that I hear that happens quite a bit are...
people who will say that they want a relationship, but really what they're wanting issomething casual.
And so when they don't get the something casual, they do disappear.
And again, I think if someone is in, obviously they usually don't find out what the reasonis because that person stops talking, but just to normalize that like part of dating,
(33:58):
there's just rejection involved.
Get good at taking rejection.
I mean, in every aspect of your life.
quicker you can learn to let them roll off of you, the easier life's gonna be.
You can't just settle into that all the time.
They're doing you a favor.
They're saving you energy.
(34:23):
narrowing down that roster so you can focus on the other.
Yeah, that's true, because they always want to come back.
They always want to come.
a toe in and test attempt.
They do like hey, how you been?
I'm like nope.
Yeah, who is this?
That literally my response.
Yeah
I don't even know who this is anymore.
Like I deleted the number like serious
(34:44):
and then they get mad that you delete the number.
look, who's this?
And they're like, you don't have my number.
And I'm like, I'm blocking you.
yes, we talked about that on episode Ariel and I about that bread crumbing.
yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
And so, yeah, when when someone has kind of shown you who they are, let's believe them.
Let's keep it moving.
There's lots of people in this world.
(35:04):
Obviously, that person wasn't the right person for you in that season of time.
The number one thing I think, not I think, that I know I do and have done up to thispoint, whether or not I chose to ignore it or not, is I really only pursue people whose
actions and words are in alignment.
(35:26):
That's it.
Because I think that's only way you can figure out who is in it for the right reasons orthe same reasons you are.
Yes.
If someone says they want a relationship and they're only treating you casually, it.
You know?
Yes.
Backwards.
Cut it.
If they say they're gonna show up at a certain time every week and they don't do it, cutit.
You know, like I need you to be completely on board with what you're doing, because thatshows me you have integrity.
(35:50):
If you don't have integrity, I ain't got nothing for you.
Correct.
think a lot of folks will manipulate with words.
So they'll say they're going to do something.
They'll apologize.
But really we're looking at the action and are they in alignment?
And so, yeah, you're absolutely right.
And that can be confusing.
Sometimes it might take us a little bit of time to like kind of detect the pattern there.
(36:11):
And so being gentle with ourselves, like we all make mistakes in dating.
And actually the last dating episode, Ariel and I did when we were talking about dating,we were talking about
Going back, what do we call that?
When you bounce back to someone you dated in the past.
Circling back.
Yeah, circling the block.
And we were like, well, it's working.
Yeah, spinning the block.
(36:32):
I don't know, and I'm not saying it can't ever, right?
Nothing's a hard line.
And there are people that are just not in the right place or don't have the right support,whatever it is, that can come back around in a different place.
But anytime I've allowed someone to come back around, it has to be, you have to have acome to Jesus.
Something serious had to have happened and that's been the block time for you to reallyevolve in a way that I needed you to be.
(36:57):
my gosh.
I did this six months ago.
Okay, we should have had this.
happened?
And why are you here?
Because you're the same person.
but they'll say so many things, right?
It's so convincing.
Like, I've done this work.
I've been in counseling.
And actually, there's quite a bit of people who will say they're in counseling who areactually not in counseling.
(37:18):
Yes!
He was using all the jargon.
I was like, maybe you are in counseling.
And I was like, I should get a reference from a counselor.
Diabolical, let me see the invoice of what you're paying.
And so I just want to hold space for the fact that dating is challenging.
Like most things in life, there are beautiful, sweet moments where it feels like reallyfun.
(37:39):
And there are moments that where it feels really challenging.
And so just knowing that if you're experiencing any part of that, that is normal andhealthy.
We don't want you to stay in the really bad and horrible.
I have a lot of horrible.
dating stories.
My friends love to bring up people that I would love to forget and they like to remind meabout it.
(38:00):
remember this one?
See, this happens when you A, live with your friends because in college we lived togetherso they saw some of that.
And B, you tell them everything.
I be talking too much, okay?
You talk too much.
do.
my friends, well, there's a couple people I know where all the bodies are buried, butmost, I mean, yeah, terrible, terrible dates.
Terrible terrible.
Yes.
Yeah, and and some people used to love me telling those terrible date stories like it wasentertaining for them I'm like at what point does my misery?
(38:28):
Are you a friend?
Are you now I just want to normalize that we generally we kiss some frogs and but somepeople don't kiss any frogs They just kiss the right person for them first, you know
Also, I've been on a lot of really amazing dates with really great people that justweren't a good fit.
(38:48):
I've met so many people through dating that I'm still in contact with that I think aregreat friends or people I've, there's no malice, they're married, they have kids now,
everything's fine.
But we just weren't connecting in that kind of way.
And that's okay too.
Totally is, yeah, that absolutely happens.
I think that's why being honest and not mean when something doesn't work out.
(39:15):
that piece of is this helpful or is it harmful?
So as an evolving person, there are so many times where my partner does something thattriggers me.
And I want to, I love to defend myself as I've been recently told.
Like, you're right.
When I feel like you're coming at me, I immediately start talking over you.
(39:38):
I start like justifying, right?
And so like learning like, no, I have to sit back.
I have to stay in my body and keep going out, out,
out.
when I really need to come in and like learn how to be quiet and like just receive andthen like take some deep breaths.
Take it easy and then let him finish.
And then now do I have something that feels relevant?
(39:59):
Correct.
You know, or like sometimes I gotta take a break.
I need to get off the phone right now.
Can we talk about this in 30 minutes?
Yeah.
Do something, we implemented, I don't know, maybe a month or two ago where we have aSunday night check-in and we bring up all the things that might be lingering from the
week.
You know, like, hey, you made a weird face when that thing happened, like your demeanorchanged, but I didn't want to acknowledge it, or I felt like I couldn't say something
(40:23):
then, you know, or they might get mad about something and then not want to talk about it.
And then after they've calmed down, bring it up on a Sunday.
So those kinds of things are so helpful because you know, you have a space to like, justleave all your stuff instead of how much.
And they're waiting until they push the wrong button and it all comes toppling in.
(40:45):
I've been talking a lot to clients and students about couples that do check-ins and justthe benefit of having that space where you can be honest with your partner about what it
was you were needing in that week and ways that they showed up for you and ways that maybewere areas of challenge for you that you're going to work on.
But just it's like a time for that open
(41:08):
communication.
So yeah, I think that's beautiful.
The other thing that I hear that comes up quite a bit and it has certainly happened to meis you think you're over something or you think you're healed from something until you're
in a relationship.
And you're like, dang, now we got to more billable hours for my therapist.
Now we got to work on this.
(41:30):
I didn't even know this irked me.
I just also want to just hold space for the fact that sometimes we'll think something'snot going to be an issue and then it does come up in the relationship.
And when we start to see that it's a pattern, like, this didn't just happen with my exbecause it was my ex.
(41:54):
I'm the common denominator in each of these relationships and this has come up from morethan one person.
I think that's an opportunity for us to do the work that we need to do.
And so a lot of times some people might think that a partner is going to heal you fromthings.
And so I love that you said, sometimes I need to take a moment.
I need to take a bit of a break.
And I say, let's in this conversation and I'll kind of, you know, have some time toregulate, some time to kind of think about it, sit with it.
(42:21):
But I also like that you give a time that you're gonna return.
For some people, they have abandonment challenges.
And so like, if you don't want to talk about it, they're worried you're never gonna talkabout it or you're leaving, you're never coming back.
And so to say, hey, let's revisit this.
you know, everyone's timeframe is a little bit different on how much time they need tokind of have that separation.
So for some people, 30 minutes, some people a couple of hours, some people will talk aboutit in the morning, but being able to communicate in some way to your partner what it is
(42:50):
that you need.
Another tool is for some people, they kind of go nonverbal when they're activated, whenthey're feeling upset and the words just aren't coming out.
And so a partner might assume like, well now you're shutting me out, like you'restonewalling me, like you're punishing me.
And it's like, no, I really don't have the words.
And so if that happens, the invitation is to either use like a journal, a notepad, youcould text on your phone and show it to them.
(43:18):
I don't recommend the texting back and forth because then things can be misinterpreted.
when you're upset with somebody that you care about and they text you, you're going toread it in the worst case scenario voice.
And one of the things I've learned from some of my Gen Z clients are with emojis andcertain things, there are ways to kind of input some of that tone, but it's still kind of
(43:40):
hard and different people have their different challenges.
I will read things in a tone that is upset almost all the time.
And my sister will look at me like, they did not mean it like that.
I'm like, really?
I'll be ready to go.
My sister's like, no, you need to calm down.
I do that a lot.
When we came into our relationship, we both had a very set idea on who we were.
(44:01):
And then we started dating each other because you were like, you think you're over stuffand you're not, started dating, we're like, maybe I'm not that person.
We both were hyper independent, very casual relationships with other people, not lookingfor anything serious, hadn't been dating, et cetera.
We like a lot of alone time.
We don't rely on other people in that kind of way.
(44:23):
And by week two, inseparable.
that's so deep.
It's funny though, because it's like, no, we're actually very clingy.
Well, not clean.
You desire each other's company because it feels really nice.
You know, I keep asking my sister about this because I have this idea in my mind that Iwill want my partner to live next door because I want my own space.
(44:44):
And so I always ask my sister, like, don't you look at your husband and think, why do youwhy are you still here?
Like, can you go somewhere else?
And she was like, no, it's not like that.
Like when you really like them, you'll actually want them to be around.
I don't know about all.
I mostly fall in your camp.
I think that it's really healthy to have separate spaces.
Especially separate bedrooms, for sure.
(45:05):
think sleeping separately is so smart.
A a separate kitchen.
Okay, maybe I'll do too much.
My own living room.
I don't have to look at your things.
if you find someone who's tidy, right?
If you find someone who actually is a great partner, it is more fun having them around.
I don't know, yo.
I'm gonna have to circle back on this one.
(45:27):
My man does everything when he's around.
He does everything when he's not here.
It's long distance and he's still great about it.
I very taken care of.
Good, you deserve that.
You know, that is so spicy and juicy.
No, we didn't get to anything gushy today.
(45:47):
But I think that's okay.
I was like, you wanna what do you want?
What do want to hear?
I think we're okay.
Maybe that'll be the next episode you come back for.
All right, we are still listening to Emboldened with Jessica, but since we have Courtneyin the building with us, Jessica is here with her expertise as well.
(46:13):
We're game.
We've been talking about dating this whole episode.
Let's just throw out a topic, a title, a word maybe or phrase, and whoever starts talkingon the mic first, just give your feelings on that topic.
Okay?
(46:35):
First topic, love languages.
I think that it's bullshit.
I think there's a lot of love languages that were not made by the random white man who hadno educational background in it.
If anything, follow the Gottmans.
I think if you're looking for a sub or another group of people that can help.
(46:58):
But love languages, I think it depends on the person.
It makes no sense otherwise.
Alright, that was a bird on Gary Chapman, okay?
What about the five apologies?
Do we like those?
Yeah, I mean, I think, no, your response is fair.
just, yeah, you're fair.
Because a lot of people, like all of them.
Do you have a love language that is not on that list?
(47:19):
I would say similar sense of humor and curiosity.
Like I can't be with a person who's not curious.
You have to ask questions.
You have to want to know.
I'm too nosy for you not to also be nosy with me.
And yeah, similar sense of humor.
love laughing.
And if you're not bringing the heat, also can do it.
And I think that those feel higher to me on Lyssa Priorities than any of the other offeredfive love languages.
(47:44):
My five love languages, no, my two, my top two would be access service.
Okay, I love it when people help me with things.
It makes my life so much easier.
And then I would say my second one at this stage of life is quality time.
Okay, and if a bunch of people are there, that's not quality time.
(48:04):
Can we talk about this major topic happening around the world?
Situation ships.
How do you feel about them?
Different people need different things at different times, right?
And situationships are a lot of fun.
People, we're here to have a good time.
We're here for a good time, not a long time.
And so one of the things I hear a lot is this value around body counts.
(48:27):
To me, that is meaningless.
Like, our body is the one that counts, right?
And is it happy?
Is it enjoying itself?
And being with different people, we learn what we like, what we don't like.
We also learn that with solo play, which is also very important.
So yeah, we need them situationships, okay?
I might need a couple of them.
you
(48:49):
Let's talk about moving on.
You've gotten out of a relationship, there's been a breakup.
What advice would you tell somebody, it's time to move on, it's time to let go?
Okay, here's what I do.
I wallow for however long you need to wallow, but no longer than four days.
That I always give myself a cap.
(49:10):
Like you can feel as bad as you need to feel, but you gotta put a cap on it.
I journal everything I think.
I also turn, cause I, look.
I'm not a great at blocking right away for people I really want to talk to.
So I will change their name to a girlfriend's name.
So anytime I think about calling or texting, especially when I was still a drinker, itwould go straight to my friends.
(49:33):
And then eventually, honestly, no contact is the best way.
No contact for me works every single time and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks until itdoesn't.
And then when it doesn't, you're like, man, I can't believe I let all that...
Shit slide.
That's crazy.
(49:53):
So distance gives you perspective and it's hard to get perspective on your hurt and yourpain if you're still all up in it and if you're still communicating with the person who
might've been the catalyst.
So moving on, ooh, I just recently did this.
So what I try to do, I give myself 24 hours to cry about something, although I didn't crythis time, okay?
(50:15):
Because I think I already cried them tears, okay?
But yeah, I usually only give myself 24 hours to cry about it.
And the other thing I do is I try to remember what the relationship was and I try not togrieve what I wanted it to be.
I think so often people grieve the things that they fantasize their relationship could be,and that's not real, and that takes a lot longer for us to move forward.
(50:41):
And so I just really remember how it was.
So sometimes I'll go back through some of the journal entries and be like, dang, okay,this was a problem from day one, and it was still a problem.
And so that really helps me to move forward.
you
Palette cleanser, I'm thinking of the get under someone new, right?
(51:02):
Like if I've had a really rough breakup where I just can't seem to move on, there might bepeople who I know will always be available and that who adore me and are like waiting for
me to break up with somebody or get broken up with.
And sometimes that's the person that I would call and be like, hey, look, I need to have agood time.
(51:23):
I need a palette cleanser.
And they're like, what, where, when, what's happening?
And that's it.
And we all know what the expectation is.
And that's the end of it.
And we're still friendly and everyone's okay, you know, and no one's heart is broken afterthat.
And it's just something to clear the last one from your body.
(51:44):
I do believe other people, you know, being around other people and remembering like theamazing things about you because sometimes in those relationships that were so bad, like
your ex would say like harmful things about you that some people have internalized or thatlowered their self-esteem which allowed them to be in that relationship longer.
(52:05):
And so you do kind of need to cleanse your spirit of that.
For this little quick fire, decide if you want to answer either what advice would you giveyour 20-something self or what advice would you give your senior citizen self, your future
(52:25):
self.
And this is with dating.
All right, I would have told my 20 year old self, throw that ass in a circle.
Okay, and I should have.
Okay, I should have been having way more fun.
I should have been out here in these streets way more.
I keep saying it.
I don't know why I didn't.
I know I didn't.
Okay, that purity culture and that religion trauma was real.
We gonna talk about that in another episode.
(52:47):
But yes, I would have absolutely been out here having a great time.
I mean, I had a great time, but I would have been having more time, okay?
would also go younger self.
My younger self, I would tell her, no one cares what you look like.
Nobody cares.
They're just happy to be there.
Let go of all that stuff.
That's not yours.
(53:08):
Yeah, I was throwing it in a circle.
So I had my time.
I also would have told myself to make sure that you really only date the fine ones.
Cut the ones that are real trashy.
Just get them out of there completely and just keep it classy.
(53:30):
So one tip that I highly recommend is continuing to be in tune with yourself so that asyou're navigating new relationships, whether you're deepening the relationships that you
currently have, checking in with ourself, that connection has to start with us first.
So when we're grounded and we're present, it's so much easier for us to fully show up forothers and it's so much easier for us to know if the other is right for us or if they're
(53:59):
maybe not quite right for us in this season.
And so one of the things that I recommend is either before you go to hang out with someoneand even sometimes during it, you know how sometimes the nervousness when we're going on a
first date or when there's like a new friend that we're gonna hang out with, sometimesthat nervousness comes before, maybe a day before or the day of where we're like, I wanna
(54:21):
cancel, are they gonna cancel so can get out of this?
There's that desire, that inkling, cause we're a little nervous.
I invite you to either try a body scan and a body scan we can start at our head, we canstart at our toes, and we're going through the different parts of our body and we're
allowing those different parts to relax.
So bringing our attention to our toes and allowing them to relax and release, bringingthat energy up to our calves and allowing those to release and relax.
(54:53):
Just inviting more ease in our body and kind of going body part by body part.
And once you're done with all of that, sometimes I like to finish with some deep bellybreaths or start off with some deep belly breaths.
And if I'm like, let's say I'm hanging out with people and I'm noticing a little bit ofnervousness, I may not go head to toe, right?
Cause then I'm a little bit out of it for a moment while I'm attending to myself for thatlong.
(55:18):
But I might just do a quick check in with my body.
Where am I holding tension in this moment?
And can I release it?
And then I'm also curious about why am I holding tension in this moment?
Is there something about this that feels not quite right for me?
Am I feeling a little bit cold and I need to grab something warm to wear?
Is my back to the door and that's making me uncomfortable?
(55:39):
Can I ask someone to switch seats with me?
So yeah, we just use a little bit of curiosity also throughout interacting with others tocontinue to make sure we're being connected with ourselves.
Another thing I want you to consider is this week, try something that is a little bitoutside of your comfort zone, not your safety zone, but your comfort zone.
(56:07):
So whether it's commenting on a TikTok, joining a walking club or starting a new hobby,try it out.
See if this is a way to connect with someone.
I know that during this episode, we've been talking about dating, but there's also a realdesire that I've heard from a number of folks that I work.
with and that I meet and interact with to make meaningful friendships also.
(56:30):
And so these are all ways for us to connect.
So if you try this and it works out or if it doesn't work out, because you know, we lovelore, hashtag emboldened with Jessica so we can be in the loop and stay connected.
(56:59):
Are you enjoying the show?
Have a feeling that's an overwhelming yes.
We can use your support to keep this space growing and thriving.
Here's how you can help.
Share this episode with a loved one who you know is gonna enjoy it.
Sharing helps spread the word and brings more amazing people into our beautiful community.
If you haven't already, please take a moment to rate and review the podcast on yourfavorite podcast platform.
(57:25):
Your reviews help others find the show
and lets them know this is a space worth tuning into.
If you can't support the podcast financially, consider donating through DonorBox.
Every contribution helps cover the cost of producing the show and keeps the episodescommercial free.
You can find the link to donate in the show notes.
(57:47):
Thank you so much for being a part of this journey with us.
Your ongoing support, your feedback, your encouragement, it means the world.
We couldn't do this without you.
Until next time, stay emboldened.
In this episode of In Bolding with Jessica, we're breaking the mold on modern dating andconnection.
The world is shifting and so are the ways we find love and build relationships.
From people sliding into DMs to building deep connections in D &D campaigns, streamingservers and online communities, there's no one size fits all approach to love and
(00:33):
relationships.
As we're considering getting out of the box of what a relationship has to be or how itshould look, a lot of us have been socialized with certain messaging about love.
That for women, it should be the thing that you're always hoping for.
And maybe one day someone will find you and select you and then your life can revolvearound them.
(00:57):
And for men, y'all should just have a really good time.
And when it's a nice proper
crude girl comes along.
That should be the one that you fall in love with.
A lot of that messaging, we don't have to subscribe to that anymore.
So whether it's that all relationships have to end in marriage or that they all need to bemonogamous where they should all include sex, we have an opportunity to decide and curate
(01:26):
what it is that we're needing in this season, in this era of our lives.
And over different time spans, we have different needs.
They shift.
Sometimes we'll try something and we discover, you know what, that really is not for me.
And so as we're deciding what works for us and what doesn't work for us, in this episode,we're hoping to give you additional information about what some different possibilities
(01:50):
are, some practices on how you can check in with yourself, making sure that you're showingup fully as you are dating.
as you're entering relationships, as you're deepening relationships that you already have.
So we're gonna just talk about some different practices and then it is for you to try onwhat works for you and to toss out the things that don't serve you.
(02:17):
Dating today is more dynamic than ever.
Whether you're meeting someone on a hike, in a TikTok DM, or through a shared love of somereally interesting game that I don't know the name of, sorry, I tried to pull something
from the database and there was nothing there, okay, sorry y'all.
Love and connections are all about finding what works for you.
(02:40):
We talked about in our episode on soft launch and hard launch that sometimes we mightshare with people what it is that we're looking for in relationships.
And sometimes that information might be private to only the people that we're dating.
So again, picking how you want to engage with what it is that you share and what you don'tshare.
I've known some people that when they date, they have like a little bit of a checklistthat they share.
(03:03):
It's a form that they share with people that they're dating.
And on there it has like a variety of things that are important to them from
if that person wants to have children or more children, or if that person needs to have alot of physical touch in the relationship to feel loved and supported.
If that person needs to have time periods where they're left alone because maybe it's likesensory overload or they need some introvert time, or maybe they are a parent of a small
(03:34):
child who's like requires a lot or a child in general.
They require a lot.
But an opportunity for a person to just say what it is that they need and for a person tobe able to fill out this checklist and share what it is that they're also needing so we
can see if there's some alignment there.
(03:58):
Let's find it helpful to have a little bit of some statistics to kind of get a sense ofwhat else is happening in the world with other people and dating.
A recent study found that one in four couples who met online started their conversation onsocial media, not dating apps.
So this is a huge shift from the way things were.
I also have recently seen a number of studies citing that people are shifting from onlinemeeting and they're meeting in these kind of community
(04:26):
things whether that's a walking club or a book club or something else that is happening inthe community that is really pulling them in.
So while there are some challenges of online dating, I think of online dating as a tool.
And with any tool, it could be positive or negative depending on how that tool is used.
For online dating, while 30 % of adults have used dating apps, the study says that only 12% report long-term success.
(04:54):
and how they're defining long-term success, I'm not sure.
If the person is happy with the outcome in the long run, I'm assuming that's what isreferenced there with the long-term success.
And that meeting people through mutual friends is 40 % more likely to have a lastingrelationship.
So if Aunt Mildred wants to introduce you to someone, you know, it may be a good look.
(05:15):
It may be a terrible look, because she's not a mutual friend, but hey, you know, AuntMildred might be onto something.
Another consideration when we talk about meeting someone through some kind of activitythat we're passionate about, whether that's volunteering or whether we're really in tune
(05:36):
with nature and we like to do cleanups at parks and things like that.
Another piece of mind to consider is that when we're doing the shared activity, somethingthat we like, and we're meeting someone in that same activity, we're releasing dopamine,
which helps us to build a stronger connection with them.
So we might feel a much deeper connection with them than say someone we met online that wedon't necessarily have much in common with other than maybe we're very physically
(06:05):
attracted to them.
It sounds like I'm dissing the online dating and I'm not, because again, that really doeswork for some people.
But I also want to put out some other options.
So a study showed that Gen Z is more likely to meet partners through Instagram or TikTokthan traditional dating apps.
And one of
things that I recommend for people as they are dating is to be less worried about if theother person likes you and to really slow down and notice what is happening for you in
(06:35):
your body as you're interacting with this person.
Is it that you're feeling like you can be more of your authentic self with them?
Is it that you're feeling that you need to guard certain aspects of yourself because youdon't know if they will like that?
Are you?
noticing that maybe you feel really tense when you're gonna see them.
Have you been coding that tension to excitement?
(06:58):
Is it excitement?
Is it anxiety?
Just things to be curious about as we're interacting with different people.
Bye!
We're very fortunate today we have a special guest, Cortenay Croson.
She is a trauma-focused somatic body worker, educator, and activist who has a deep passionfor the ways systemic oppression and embodiment intersect.
(07:23):
With over a decade of experience, Cortenay has dedicated her work to creating healingspaces that center and uplift historically undervalued communities.
In 2019, she founded the Healing Collective,
a sanctuary for those seeking support, restoration, and resilience.
Her approach is compassionate, deeply informed, and rooted in the belief that healing isboth personal and collective.
(07:49):
For those wanting to learn more about Courtenay or to learn more about the HealingCollective, they can be found as the Healing Collective LLC on TikTok, Instagram,
Facebook, and you can also check out her personal website.
Cortenacrossin.com.
I'm gonna link all of this information in our show notes, so I know I didn't spell thatout, but I got you, okay?
(08:28):
Welcome to the show, Enboldened with Jessica.
Today we're gonna be talking about dating, love, all the good gushy stuff.
Joining us, have Courtney Cross and Courtney, thank you for joining us.
Thanks for having me.
As we're talking about dating and relationships, you know, this seems to be like a reallyhot topic for most people.
(08:50):
Why is this an interesting topic for you?
It's interesting for me because I think my dating life has been radically different thanmost people.
So I have a really wide view of what dating can be.
so I think people are curious about my views on dating, but also it makes me very curiouson other people's views on dating.
(09:12):
So when you say it's different than other people, is that because you're a woman of colorand we live in like a small town?
Is that what we're speaking about?
It's that, it's the expectation of like married with kids.
You know, the high school sweetheart kind of storyline, the kind of people I should bedating.
(09:34):
The expectation of who I should be with.
All of that stuff.
You know what?
That's one of the things we actually wanted to talk about this episode is that a lot oftimes the ways that we view relationships are based off of everyone else's standards and
expectations of what it should look like and that we have the freedom to curate that to bewhat it is we need it to be.
(09:54):
And so there can be an emphasis on you get married, then you move in together, then youhave kids.
And for most people, that's just not what works for them.
And so getting out of what maybe people are expecting or wanting for you and figuring outwhat does that look like for me?
Maybe it's not a monogamous relationship.
Maybe it's not a, like where we have these traditional kind of roles in the relationship.
(10:18):
Maybe it looks like you come over once a week, you put in a little work and I don't needto see you again until next week.
And everyone's okay.
Everyone's all right with it.
It's really important, I think, that people figure out what works best for those people.
know, every structure to me is completely different, and every person I've been with hasdepended on what I want for that time in my life.
(10:39):
And it's worked out great for me.
Ooh, now I want to get into the nitty gritty.
Yes.
Is there a dating story that you are open to sharing?
And it could be a beautiful dating story.
It could be a dating story that maybe you want to forget.
(10:59):
Something specific?
Yeah, just like how it has gone for you because part of what I want to do is normalizejust the variance in terms of what dating can look like for different people.
And, okay, we want to know a little bit more about you.
What we want to see?
Okay, how about I give you some cliff notes to sections of my life?
(11:20):
Okay.
We can figure out what stands out the most.
Okay.
And you can just revisit that with maybe more details.
So growing up, high school, I was more isolated than anything.
I was a good kid.
Wow.
Like almost graduated a virgin kid.
Quiet, stuck to myself.
(11:41):
I mean, I had friends and everything, but I wasn't like out in the streets.
Okay.
you were kind of what a parent might think that their kid is doing.
Yes.
That kind of version.
Because I mean, there's no good or bad.
Like, had you been, you know, out having a good time, you wouldn't have been a bad kid.
But you were traditional.
(12:01):
You weren't really dating too much, is that what I'm
I was not dating too much.
mean, I talked to a couple of boys here and there.
had, I think, two people I considered boyfriends.
Okay.
You know, we made out.
Yeah.
That was it.
Then when I got to college...
the eyes got wide y'all.
was flipped.
I was overwhelmed.
(12:22):
I was in a hip hop dance crew.
This seemed to be really in for millennials.
feel like every other millennial was it.
Some kind of dance crew.
Yes, we were doing footwork.
We were doing all things.
you were?
Yes.
Okay.
And because of that, a of people knew who we were.
So I had a lot of attention.
And I did not know what to do with that attention.
(12:42):
So I did all of it.
Yes.
And that continued through my 20s for the most part.
Okay, so you were dating, exploring, seeing what you
no boyfriends, no one serious.
Yeah.
And then like my views on, think relationships got really skewed because I worked at astrip club for four years.
(13:04):
And so I was like, men.
you were kind of seeing the worst of.
Yeah.
I is.
It was very transactional, guess the best way to put them in a very transactionalcategory.
Now, I'm still curious about something.
When you were dating in college and you were dating different kinds of people, I'm curiousif you had the ability to date more kinds of people, not just because you're on the dance
(13:30):
club, but were you in a town that, or were you around people that were more diverse atthat point?
Absolutely.
Okay.
Yeah.
So like, you know, being where we're at, predominantly white schools.
I would say I may go to public school.
Most of my friends were black and brown people.
I'm being extra, but I feel like there are a lot of people of color I know who they didn'tknow they were beautiful or really good looking in the schools that they were in, because
(13:57):
they were around a lot of white bodies.
white features are what was the image of beauty.
And it wasn't until they were around more diverse people that they were like, dang, OK, Igot it.
And so I'm just curious about if that was part of it for you, was that?
there are more people who are like, whoa, okay, who is this?
(14:18):
I want to get to know her.
If that was part of what you experienced when you were in college.
I think my experience was more awkward because I'm light skin and mixed.
That like, I could feel the presence of men and their attention because I had curly hairand light skin, drove me bananas.
(14:42):
really?
Yeah, so I really distanced myself from dating a lot of people because of that.
So when I got to college, there was more variation of people.
and like I wasn't the only light skinned girl around, you know?
it was...
Right.
I got you.
So then I got to like explore what it was like to be a wanted person for, you know,because I was smart and because of what I was talented in doing, you know, all those other
(15:06):
things versus just being the light skinned girl.
Yes, yeah, well, I mean, you are always more than that.
But when you're around people who are racist and they have their kind of views and theywant to fetishize people that are different than them, then it has an impact.
Like, you're not trying to those people.
you didn't.
Right.
(15:26):
Which I had a lot of guy friends, which, you know, we can always talk about it.
I believe in my friends.
I do.
How many of them were just waiting in the hedge?
They do be waiting in the hedges.
They do be waiting.
They're like, just wait for that moment where you're like crying over something to showup.
(15:48):
Or they get mad because you date other people and not them, right?
Yeah, like I was the good guy all along.
Like you should get a gold star for being a human being to me.
Thank you.
How dare I date someone else before I come over here.
Yeah, that is a whole, that is a whole episode right there.
Cause there, I mean, I, I work with so many men who don't believe that men and women canbe friends, which is interesting.
(16:09):
But for the most part, heterosexual men that are friends with heterosexual women, thereusually is some form of an attraction.
Even if we're not, we're not seeing them in that way.
Maybe.
I don't know.
Like my longest closest friend is 25 years deep and yeah.
(16:31):
Really?
And they've never been waiting in the hedges?
No, like we tried to date when we first had...
That's how we met, is I pursued him.
So that's what I mean.
There had to be some attraction at some point.
I think that they can be friends, but I'm real hard pressed to find a male friend I've hadover the years that wasn't trying to get with me that's heterosexual.
(16:55):
Can I offer something?
So my theory about this, which I'm sure is not something I've made up, it's definitely acombination of things I've heard, is that men always equate attraction with romance.
And so they might like you as a friend, but because they want to hang out with you, theyassume it has to be romantic.
Yes, okay, there's a lot of things there that happen that are confusing.
(17:19):
And it's so funny, this keeps coming up today.
I've talked to a few people today about how there's so many men and women, we've beensocialized to believe that women who hold the kind of emotional wellness and wellbeing,
and so like, if there's anything that's on their mind that they wanna talk about, theyhave to talk to a woman about that.
(17:39):
And it's usually gonna be a woman that they're in a romantic relationship with.
But if they're sad, if they're depressed, if they're going through something, they feellike they can't talk to anyone else about that.
So it's like all this emotional dumping that they expect of their partners that are women.
so there is like kind of this, so like if I'm cool with you and you're a woman, then itmust obviously be because I want to have sex with you or I want to date you.
(18:05):
It's hard.
I don't know.
I think it's the way we've been socialized.
I agree.
And it happens with touch in a lot of ways.
Like people not being able to receive touch unless they think it's leading to somethingelse.
Like platonic touch, holding hands, gently resting against somebody, whatever it is,always has to turn into something else or always mean something other than just you're
(18:27):
touching.
But when I started in my 20s, officially dating women and like I kind of just opened up.
You said officially dating women.
You were dating women?
Yes, so I am pansexual.
date everybody.
So like probably early 20s I was like going out with women.
Like actually in like actively dating in relationships with women.
(18:48):
And I was like, I don't know if I could ever really be with a man.
Really?
Yeah, like it just, it's so.
Because you were you were getting all of that encoding about men being kind of toxic whenyou were working in the strip club Okay, that makes sense to me
Yeah, and I was like, it's like, it's cool over here.
I like it over here.
We're great.
Everything's fine.
But even opening up further to like trans people, non-binary people, I'm kind of, it'svery hearts over parts energy.
(19:16):
But I think most people assume that I am heterosexual because my most prominentrelationships or longest have been with men.
But I use they a lot.
And people just, I think assume men because they've seen me with men.
When people see me with a man, they assume I'm on a date.
But when they see me with a woman, they assume we're just, I'm out with my girlfriend.
(19:37):
Interesting.
Or like a friend.
Yeah, there are a lot of interesting assumptions people make.
So I'm out a lot with women, but people just don't realize that I'm out with a woman.
My longest relationship started, I was 28, 27, 28, somewhere in there.
And it ended when I was 35.
And then I was like very casual from then on out until now.
(19:59):
And I'm in a relationship again with also a man, which is very surprising to me.
you
curious about anything that you feel like would be helpful for people who are looking todate that can be body language or ways that they can be open to meeting the right people
(20:20):
because it's hard.
Okay.
Advice for people trying to meet someone?
My first instinct is do the things you like to do.
Because it takes the pressure out of meeting somebody.
Because if you're just doing something you like to do, then there's already energy forthat thing there.
And you don't have to create all the atmosphere for connection.
(20:45):
And then you feel like it's a waste when you don't meet anyone at the thing that if thatwas the only reason why you were gone.
Right.
You're like, I shouldn't have done this.
I could have been at home watching TV.
Yeah, it is lovely.
I mean, you can be men there too.
Yes.
At home?
Yes.
I mean, yes, okay.
I guess there are assholes.
I kind of hope we talk and...
(21:05):
out.
There is meeting people IRL in real life, right?
And then there is the meeting people online.
And I'm just curious about our body language, like when we're out with people.
And I think it's harder for people to approach someone when they're with their friendsbecause they're worried about the rejection of that.
(21:27):
So sometimes I'll be with a group of people and I have to walk away from them if I seesomebody fine.
I don't know if I've ever had that issue.
Okay.
I mean if I find someone attractive I'll talk to them.
Absolutely.
Okay that's nice.
I've never been scared of somebody.
Now what are you looking for that gives you the indication that maybe this person would besingle or this would be an okay person to approach?
(21:49):
I'm looking for everything.
I'm looking for who they're leaning into when they talk.
I'm looking for how social they are.
If they're a person who's just like really quiet to themselves, I'm going to assume thatthey don't want attention or too much company.
I might softball a question.
Hey, what's good here?
Or have you been here before?
(22:10):
Something really easy, low risk, doesn't matter if they answer or not, right?
And if they're not interested in talking, they'll give a one word answer, something veryshort and go back to the thing they were doing.
But if they continue to talk, then there's like, that's an open door.
Hmm, this is so funny.
You answered the question, but in a different way.
Yeah, so I was wondering what kind of body language a person could have to show thatthey're interested.
(22:34):
And then you were able to tell me exactly what it is that you look for to know that theymight be open.
So it's so funny because your approach is you're you're a hunter.
But you're like, I'm not going to passively stand around and do something.
Everyone is different.
But no, I think you're absolutely right.
It is in the body language.
(22:55):
If we're open to talking to someone, having our body look open, right?
Smiling, it's eye contact.
It's initiating conversation.
All of those things.
mean, people, people try to invade my space a lot.
And I'm like, you're too close.
don't like that at all.
If you want to talk about that, go up a bit.
(23:16):
Yeah, that's weird.
I think it's funny you called me a hunter.
Because I'm imagining if I go to my local bar and I see someone who I find attractive,I'll probably try to get their attention to come to me.
Right?
So I am making longer eye contact or like glancing over more times.
(23:41):
Yeah, you're lining up that prey.
Yeah, and then if they're not doing what I want them to do, then I'll send a drink or, youknow, I'll like get up and go say something or ask them where the bathroom is.
Something really random.
I think that those are beautiful ways to kind of start a conversation and just to see whatthe engagement is.
I mean, because sometimes people are shy and it takes them a little bit of time to likerespond or you know, like they might come over again later.
(24:05):
And so yeah, like the openness of giving them a softball, so to speak, but also beingactive in meeting someone.
So whether you're at the grocery store, it's interesting to me how many people approachfolks in grocery stores.
Do they approach you in grocery stores?
I have had that happen.
It's usually interesting.
(24:26):
Never anyone I actually want to date.
I mean...
free range out there.
It very much is.
Especially, yeah, I would leave it at that.
But the homosexuals be at the grocery store too, you know.
And I don't want a homosexual.
No, no.
need a home.
(24:46):
Yes, not with me.
OK.
I think people pay a lot of attention when they're dating on if this person likes me orthey're trying to figure that out like constantly.
And one of the invitations I like to give people is to consider, I like this person?
What am I noticing with myself when I'm around them?
(25:07):
Like, am I looking forward to seeing them or am I like super nervous?
Is it that I'm like waiting for them to cancel or I like so excited to like schedulesomething else as soon as we've been together.
And so I'm
curious around if there's anything that you like to do to kind of check in with yourselfwhen you're dating to get a sense of do I like this person?
(25:30):
Previously, it's always, it's been about my comfort level.
I think I'm a really playful, joking, lighthearted person who has a very more serious job.
And so if I'm around somebody who brings out the funny, excited, childlike, playful personin me, then I know I'm in a comfortable place.
(25:52):
And not as like a defense mechanism.
But if I find like I'm putting my work hat on and analyzing this person and...
there's a red flag.
If I'm doing that, I'm not interested.
I'm already checked out.
That's fair.
Sometimes the things that we think are exciting are really our body, our nervous system,like kind of trying to warn us, right?
(26:15):
So sometimes what we think are butterflies are not butterflies.
It's really the anxiety.
I figured butterflies were not butterflies when I was in high school.
I worked at a department store and there was this fine international man who was a studentat the university.
And I thought I was in love with him.
Now he was in college, I was in high school.
(26:36):
Okay.
And I just, there was just something about this man.
And so there was this day I was working in like a different department and he happened,and this guy comes up and I thought it was him.
And I had like had the butterflies and I was like, ooh, this is so exciting.
And I look over and it wasn't even him, it was someone else.
And I said, wow, isn't this fascinating?
It's not the person that creates the feeling, you know?
(26:59):
And for me, I was like, Now I didn't know that it can always be, it can also be anxiety ortrauma sometimes when we feel that.
kind of that flutter, but checking in with ourselves of like, when we're with a reallygreat friend or we're with someone that we know really cares about us and supports us, how
does that feel?
And then also how does it feel as we're dating different people?
And I think that usually our body is giving us some signs and things and we don't alwayshave to interpret in the moment, we just notice it, we can journal about it.
(27:28):
Because when I read those journal entries later, I'm like, wow.
Oh man, I've been going through some stuff.
And look back, I'm like, you didn't even like him that much.
Hello.
I knew immediately I was not gonna be with this person.
And I still was heartbroken about it, why?
You know, be like that.
It'd be like that.
It's all part of the journey.
(27:50):
There's been a shift of people moving away from some of the dating apps and people aremeeting in other ways, like through social media or through like a discord server or
what's that thing those young people do when they're gaming and they watch people's atTwitch?
Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean.
know, got your people gay.
(28:12):
That is wild to me.
But you know, you like it.
I love it.
Now I'm curious about dating on
Yeah.
So you had an experience with this, am I correct?
I say seven years of my life I've found or met people online.
(28:33):
Including my current partner.
My current partner we met on TikTok.
Yeah.
And he's the greatest.
I'm so glad he found
Okay, so we weren't the hunter this time.
No, no, was actively not dating, had not been dating for two years, maybe longer.
And I was on a TikTok live and he rolled up in there and was cracking jokes.
(29:01):
he didn't hit on me.
He was just funny.
And I'm like, great.
Didn't think anything of it.
We still have the same inside jokes now about it.
And then we were, he was leaving comments on a couple of the things that I had posted.
And one of things he asked was for a book recommendation, which is my favorite thing totalk about.
(29:21):
And so I slid into his DM.
So maybe a little Hunter-ish.
Yeah.
And I, but I was like, are you flirting with me?
very direct of you to ask.
because I was like, look, I don't know what's happening here.
I'm very confused and I'm not dating.
I'm not trying to like put any agenda out there if it's not out there.
Yeah.
And we just cracked jokes back and forth from there and it was, that was it.
(29:45):
Hey, I love this.
So sometimes we might meet them in real life, but sometimes we might meet them onlineuntil being open to it could come in different forms.
But it sounds to me like you listen to kind of your roadmap of what works for you in termsof someone who was humorous.
It seemed like you have some similar things in common, like the books, and you weredirect.
(30:08):
You asked questions.
You didn't make any assumptions.
You didn't brush him off and make an assumption that it was nothing.
So you kind of listen to your instincts there.
think as a cis woman, I definitely understand when men are trying to hit on me.
know, when they're like, hey girl, and I'm like, don't even look at me.
I'm already not interested.
(30:30):
there's something about that.
Yeah.
It's better if they go in kind of like where you're getting to know them and you decidethat there are cool people and then it allows something else to build.
It doesn't always happen like that, but that just feels a little bit better.
Yeah, I prefer to just be talked to like a human being, not investigated or vetted.
(30:52):
Yeah.
You know, like, hey, do you want kids?
How old are you?
Where are from?
What do you...
I'm like, I'm already, I'm not interested.
Well, I was just trying to get to know you.
I don't care.
Yeah, I didn't ask for that.
I wasn't interested in any of that.
just...
It's not always safe because then they get real upset and they can be dangerous.
So, yeah, I think that there's a level of caution that women have developed over time whenit comes to dating.
(31:20):
Mm-hmm.
Makes sense.
So I do want to talk a little bit about how to navigate rejection because I think for somepeople, especially people that are new to dating, it can be really surprising if they
don't hear from someone anymore or if they decide they actually don't like this personthey've been talking to for some months and they don't really know how to have that
(31:44):
conversation.
Is there any suggestions or guidance you might give someone for navigating that?
If you are the person who wants to leave someone alone, I always say be kind and betruthful.
okay, kind and truthful.
Okay.
You don't have to dump it all out there, right?
Like is it useful information and not like, well, did you know that you, like that, youdon't have to be cruel about it.
(32:09):
But can you be honest and kind and then just back up and let them have their feelings?
know, hey, I'm not interested.
This isn't working for me.
You know, sometimes people want to know why.
I don't think that's, I think you have to gauge whether or not the person can handle thewhy.
I find in most cases people just want to defend themselves.
(32:29):
The less information the better because then it just becomes something that they'rewanting.
like, this is a person who can take constructive criticism, I might give them a couple ofthings.
Like, this didn't work for me, kind of thing.
To just offer a little closure there.
But in most cases, I'm like, hey, this isn't working for me.
I'm gonna wish the best of luck.
Yes, I think that's really gracious.
(32:51):
It's honest, it's kind.
Yeah, and then it gives, it closes that up instead of just kind of fading out orpretending like everything is fine and then you're taking longer to respond and all of
that.
I mean, unless it's like someone who you're worried about your safety and you think theymight go crazy, that's a little something different to navigate.
(33:14):
just block them.
Yes, we navigate that a little bit differently.
yeah, and I think that part of dating, is rejection that just happens in it.
Whether it's you deciding this person isn't quite what I thought they were or they havechanged up or that person for whatever reason deciding that you're not what is that
(33:35):
they're looking for.
Another thing that I hear that happens quite a bit are...
people who will say that they want a relationship, but really what they're wanting issomething casual.
And so when they don't get the something casual, they do disappear.
And again, I think if someone is in, obviously they usually don't find out what the reasonis because that person stops talking, but just to normalize that like part of dating,
(33:58):
there's just rejection involved.
Get good at taking rejection.
I mean, in every aspect of your life.
quicker you can learn to let them roll off of you, the easier life's gonna be.
You can't just settle into that all the time.
They're doing you a favor.
They're saving you energy.
(34:23):
narrowing down that roster so you can focus on the other.
Yeah, that's true, because they always want to come back.
They always want to come.
a toe in and test attempt.
They do like hey, how you been?
I'm like nope.
Yeah, who is this?
That literally my response.
Yeah
I don't even know who this is anymore.
Like I deleted the number like serious
(34:44):
and then they get mad that you delete the number.
look, who's this?
And they're like, you don't have my number.
And I'm like, I'm blocking you.
yes, we talked about that on episode Ariel and I about that bread crumbing.
yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
And so, yeah, when when someone has kind of shown you who they are, let's believe them.
Let's keep it moving.
There's lots of people in this world.
(35:04):
Obviously, that person wasn't the right person for you in that season of time.
The number one thing I think, not I think, that I know I do and have done up to thispoint, whether or not I chose to ignore it or not, is I really only pursue people whose
actions and words are in alignment.
(35:26):
That's it.
Because I think that's only way you can figure out who is in it for the right reasons orthe same reasons you are.
Yes.
If someone says they want a relationship and they're only treating you casually, it.
You know?
Yes.
Backwards.
Cut it.
If they say they're gonna show up at a certain time every week and they don't do it, cutit.
You know, like I need you to be completely on board with what you're doing, because thatshows me you have integrity.
(35:50):
If you don't have integrity, I ain't got nothing for you.
Correct.
think a lot of folks will manipulate with words.
So they'll say they're going to do something.
They'll apologize.
But really we're looking at the action and are they in alignment?
And so, yeah, you're absolutely right.
And that can be confusing.
Sometimes it might take us a little bit of time to like kind of detect the pattern there.
(36:11):
And so being gentle with ourselves, like we all make mistakes in dating.
And actually the last dating episode, Ariel and I did when we were talking about dating,we were talking about
Going back, what do we call that?
When you bounce back to someone you dated in the past.
Circling back.
Yeah, circling the block.
And we were like, well, it's working.
Yeah, spinning the block.
(36:32):
I don't know, and I'm not saying it can't ever, right?
Nothing's a hard line.
And there are people that are just not in the right place or don't have the right support,whatever it is, that can come back around in a different place.
But anytime I've allowed someone to come back around, it has to be, you have to have acome to Jesus.
Something serious had to have happened and that's been the block time for you to reallyevolve in a way that I needed you to be.
(36:57):
my gosh.
I did this six months ago.
Okay, we should have had this.
happened?
And why are you here?
Because you're the same person.
but they'll say so many things, right?
It's so convincing.
Like, I've done this work.
I've been in counseling.
And actually, there's quite a bit of people who will say they're in counseling who areactually not in counseling.
(37:18):
Yes!
He was using all the jargon.
I was like, maybe you are in counseling.
And I was like, I should get a reference from a counselor.
Diabolical, let me see the invoice of what you're paying.
And so I just want to hold space for the fact that dating is challenging.
Like most things in life, there are beautiful, sweet moments where it feels like reallyfun.
(37:39):
And there are moments that where it feels really challenging.
And so just knowing that if you're experiencing any part of that, that is normal andhealthy.
We don't want you to stay in the really bad and horrible.
I have a lot of horrible.
dating stories.
My friends love to bring up people that I would love to forget and they like to remind meabout it.
(38:00):
remember this one?
See, this happens when you A, live with your friends because in college we lived togetherso they saw some of that.
And B, you tell them everything.
I be talking too much, okay?
You talk too much.
do.
my friends, well, there's a couple people I know where all the bodies are buried, butmost, I mean, yeah, terrible, terrible dates.
Terrible terrible.
Yes.
Yeah, and and some people used to love me telling those terrible date stories like it wasentertaining for them I'm like at what point does my misery?
(38:28):
Are you a friend?
Are you now I just want to normalize that we generally we kiss some frogs and but somepeople don't kiss any frogs They just kiss the right person for them first, you know
Also, I've been on a lot of really amazing dates with really great people that justweren't a good fit.
(38:48):
I've met so many people through dating that I'm still in contact with that I think aregreat friends or people I've, there's no malice, they're married, they have kids now,
everything's fine.
But we just weren't connecting in that kind of way.
And that's okay too.
Totally is, yeah, that absolutely happens.
I think that's why being honest and not mean when something doesn't work out.
(39:15):
that piece of is this helpful or is it harmful?
So as an evolving person, there are so many times where my partner does something thattriggers me.
And I want to, I love to defend myself as I've been recently told.
Like, you're right.
When I feel like you're coming at me, I immediately start talking over you.
(39:38):
I start like justifying, right?
And so like learning like, no, I have to sit back.
I have to stay in my body and keep going out, out,
out.
when I really need to come in and like learn how to be quiet and like just receive andthen like take some deep breaths.
Take it easy and then let him finish.
And then now do I have something that feels relevant?
(39:59):
Correct.
You know, or like sometimes I gotta take a break.
I need to get off the phone right now.
Can we talk about this in 30 minutes?
Yeah.
Do something, we implemented, I don't know, maybe a month or two ago where we have aSunday night check-in and we bring up all the things that might be lingering from the
week.
You know, like, hey, you made a weird face when that thing happened, like your demeanorchanged, but I didn't want to acknowledge it, or I felt like I couldn't say something
(40:23):
then, you know, or they might get mad about something and then not want to talk about it.
And then after they've calmed down, bring it up on a Sunday.
So those kinds of things are so helpful because you know, you have a space to like, justleave all your stuff instead of how much.
And they're waiting until they push the wrong button and it all comes toppling in.
(40:45):
I've been talking a lot to clients and students about couples that do check-ins and justthe benefit of having that space where you can be honest with your partner about what it
was you were needing in that week and ways that they showed up for you and ways that maybewere areas of challenge for you that you're going to work on.
But just it's like a time for that open
(41:08):
communication.
So yeah, I think that's beautiful.
The other thing that I hear that comes up quite a bit and it has certainly happened to meis you think you're over something or you think you're healed from something until you're
in a relationship.
And you're like, dang, now we got to more billable hours for my therapist.
Now we got to work on this.
(41:30):
I didn't even know this irked me.
I just also want to just hold space for the fact that sometimes we'll think something'snot going to be an issue and then it does come up in the relationship.
And when we start to see that it's a pattern, like, this didn't just happen with my exbecause it was my ex.
(41:54):
I'm the common denominator in each of these relationships and this has come up from morethan one person.
I think that's an opportunity for us to do the work that we need to do.
And so a lot of times some people might think that a partner is going to heal you fromthings.
And so I love that you said, sometimes I need to take a moment.
I need to take a bit of a break.
And I say, let's in this conversation and I'll kind of, you know, have some time toregulate, some time to kind of think about it, sit with it.
(42:21):
But I also like that you give a time that you're gonna return.
For some people, they have abandonment challenges.
And so like, if you don't want to talk about it, they're worried you're never gonna talkabout it or you're leaving, you're never coming back.
And so to say, hey, let's revisit this.
you know, everyone's timeframe is a little bit different on how much time they need tokind of have that separation.
So for some people, 30 minutes, some people a couple of hours, some people will talk aboutit in the morning, but being able to communicate in some way to your partner what it is
(42:50):
that you need.
Another tool is for some people, they kind of go nonverbal when they're activated, whenthey're feeling upset and the words just aren't coming out.
And so a partner might assume like, well now you're shutting me out, like you'restonewalling me, like you're punishing me.
And it's like, no, I really don't have the words.
And so if that happens, the invitation is to either use like a journal, a notepad, youcould text on your phone and show it to them.
(43:18):
I don't recommend the texting back and forth because then things can be misinterpreted.
when you're upset with somebody that you care about and they text you, you're going toread it in the worst case scenario voice.
And one of the things I've learned from some of my Gen Z clients are with emojis andcertain things, there are ways to kind of input some of that tone, but it's still kind of
(43:40):
hard and different people have their different challenges.
I will read things in a tone that is upset almost all the time.
And my sister will look at me like, they did not mean it like that.
I'm like, really?
I'll be ready to go.
My sister's like, no, you need to calm down.
I do that a lot.
When we came into our relationship, we both had a very set idea on who we were.
(44:01):
And then we started dating each other because you were like, you think you're over stuffand you're not, started dating, we're like, maybe I'm not that person.
We both were hyper independent, very casual relationships with other people, not lookingfor anything serious, hadn't been dating, et cetera.
We like a lot of alone time.
We don't rely on other people in that kind of way.
(44:23):
And by week two, inseparable.
that's so deep.
It's funny though, because it's like, no, we're actually very clingy.
Well, not clean.
You desire each other's company because it feels really nice.
You know, I keep asking my sister about this because I have this idea in my mind that Iwill want my partner to live next door because I want my own space.
(44:44):
And so I always ask my sister, like, don't you look at your husband and think, why do youwhy are you still here?
Like, can you go somewhere else?
And she was like, no, it's not like that.
Like when you really like them, you'll actually want them to be around.
I don't know about all.
I mostly fall in your camp.
I think that it's really healthy to have separate spaces.
Especially separate bedrooms, for sure.
(45:05):
think sleeping separately is so smart.
A a separate kitchen.
Okay, maybe I'll do too much.
My own living room.
I don't have to look at your things.
if you find someone who's tidy, right?
If you find someone who actually is a great partner, it is more fun having them around.
I don't know, yo.
I'm gonna have to circle back on this one.
(45:27):
My man does everything when he's around.
He does everything when he's not here.
It's long distance and he's still great about it.
I very taken care of.
Good, you deserve that.
You know, that is so spicy and juicy.
No, we didn't get to anything gushy today.
(45:47):
But I think that's okay.
I was like, you wanna what do you want?
What do want to hear?
I think we're okay.
Maybe that'll be the next episode you come back for.
All right, we are still listening to Emboldened with Jessica, but since we have Courtneyin the building with us, Jessica is here with her expertise as well.
(46:13):
We're game.
We've been talking about dating this whole episode.
Let's just throw out a topic, a title, a word maybe or phrase, and whoever starts talkingon the mic first, just give your feelings on that topic.
Okay?
(46:35):
First topic, love languages.
I think that it's bullshit.
I think there's a lot of love languages that were not made by the random white man who hadno educational background in it.
If anything, follow the Gottmans.
I think if you're looking for a sub or another group of people that can help.
(46:58):
But love languages, I think it depends on the person.
It makes no sense otherwise.
Alright, that was a bird on Gary Chapman, okay?
What about the five apologies?
Do we like those?
Yeah, I mean, I think, no, your response is fair.
just, yeah, you're fair.
Because a lot of people, like all of them.
Do you have a love language that is not on that list?
(47:19):
I would say similar sense of humor and curiosity.
Like I can't be with a person who's not curious.
You have to ask questions.
You have to want to know.
I'm too nosy for you not to also be nosy with me.
And yeah, similar sense of humor.
love laughing.
And if you're not bringing the heat, also can do it.
And I think that those feel higher to me on Lyssa Priorities than any of the other offeredfive love languages.
(47:44):
My five love languages, no, my two, my top two would be access service.
Okay, I love it when people help me with things.
It makes my life so much easier.
And then I would say my second one at this stage of life is quality time.
Okay, and if a bunch of people are there, that's not quality time.
(48:04):
Can we talk about this major topic happening around the world?
Situation ships.
How do you feel about them?
Different people need different things at different times, right?
And situationships are a lot of fun.
People, we're here to have a good time.
We're here for a good time, not a long time.
And so one of the things I hear a lot is this value around body counts.
(48:27):
To me, that is meaningless.
Like, our body is the one that counts, right?
And is it happy?
Is it enjoying itself?
And being with different people, we learn what we like, what we don't like.
We also learn that with solo play, which is also very important.
So yeah, we need them situationships, okay?
I might need a couple of them.
you
(48:49):
Let's talk about moving on.
You've gotten out of a relationship, there's been a breakup.
What advice would you tell somebody, it's time to move on, it's time to let go?
Okay, here's what I do.
I wallow for however long you need to wallow, but no longer than four days.
That I always give myself a cap.
(49:10):
Like you can feel as bad as you need to feel, but you gotta put a cap on it.
I journal everything I think.
I also turn, cause I, look.
I'm not a great at blocking right away for people I really want to talk to.
So I will change their name to a girlfriend's name.
So anytime I think about calling or texting, especially when I was still a drinker, itwould go straight to my friends.
(49:33):
And then eventually, honestly, no contact is the best way.
No contact for me works every single time and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks until itdoesn't.
And then when it doesn't, you're like, man, I can't believe I let all that...
Shit slide.
That's crazy.
(49:53):
So distance gives you perspective and it's hard to get perspective on your hurt and yourpain if you're still all up in it and if you're still communicating with the person who
might've been the catalyst.
So moving on, ooh, I just recently did this.
So what I try to do, I give myself 24 hours to cry about something, although I didn't crythis time, okay?
(50:15):
Because I think I already cried them tears, okay?
But yeah, I usually only give myself 24 hours to cry about it.
And the other thing I do is I try to remember what the relationship was and I try not togrieve what I wanted it to be.
I think so often people grieve the things that they fantasize their relationship could be,and that's not real, and that takes a lot longer for us to move forward.
(50:41):
And so I just really remember how it was.
So sometimes I'll go back through some of the journal entries and be like, dang, okay,this was a problem from day one, and it was still a problem.
And so that really helps me to move forward.
you
Palette cleanser, I'm thinking of the get under someone new, right?
(51:02):
Like if I've had a really rough breakup where I just can't seem to move on, there might bepeople who I know will always be available and that who adore me and are like waiting for
me to break up with somebody or get broken up with.
And sometimes that's the person that I would call and be like, hey, look, I need to have agood time.
(51:23):
I need a palette cleanser.
And they're like, what, where, when, what's happening?
And that's it.
And we all know what the expectation is.
And that's the end of it.
And we're still friendly and everyone's okay, you know, and no one's heart is broken afterthat.
And it's just something to clear the last one from your body.
(51:44):
I do believe other people, you know, being around other people and remembering like theamazing things about you because sometimes in those relationships that were so bad, like
your ex would say like harmful things about you that some people have internalized or thatlowered their self-esteem which allowed them to be in that relationship longer.
(52:05):
And so you do kind of need to cleanse your spirit of that.
For this little quick fire, decide if you want to answer either what advice would you giveyour 20-something self or what advice would you give your senior citizen self, your future
(52:25):
self.
And this is with dating.
All right, I would have told my 20 year old self, throw that ass in a circle.
Okay, and I should have.
Okay, I should have been having way more fun.
I should have been out here in these streets way more.
I keep saying it.
I don't know why I didn't.
I know I didn't.
Okay, that purity culture and that religion trauma was real.
We gonna talk about that in another episode.
(52:47):
But yes, I would have absolutely been out here having a great time.
I mean, I had a great time, but I would have been having more time, okay?
would also go younger self.
My younger self, I would tell her, no one cares what you look like.
Nobody cares.
They're just happy to be there.
Let go of all that stuff.
That's not yours.
(53:08):
Yeah, I was throwing it in a circle.
So I had my time.
I also would have told myself to make sure that you really only date the fine ones.
Cut the ones that are real trashy.
Just get them out of there completely and just keep it classy.
(53:30):
So one tip that I highly recommend is continuing to be in tune with yourself so that asyou're navigating new relationships, whether you're deepening the relationships that you
currently have, checking in with ourself, that connection has to start with us first.
So when we're grounded and we're present, it's so much easier for us to fully show up forothers and it's so much easier for us to know if the other is right for us or if they're
(53:59):
maybe not quite right for us in this season.
And so one of the things that I recommend is either before you go to hang out with someoneand even sometimes during it, you know how sometimes the nervousness when we're going on a
first date or when there's like a new friend that we're gonna hang out with, sometimesthat nervousness comes before, maybe a day before or the day of where we're like, I wanna
(54:21):
cancel, are they gonna cancel so can get out of this?
There's that desire, that inkling, cause we're a little nervous.
I invite you to either try a body scan and a body scan we can start at our head, we canstart at our toes, and we're going through the different parts of our body and we're
allowing those different parts to relax.
So bringing our attention to our toes and allowing them to relax and release, bringingthat energy up to our calves and allowing those to release and relax.
(54:53):
Just inviting more ease in our body and kind of going body part by body part.
And once you're done with all of that, sometimes I like to finish with some deep bellybreaths or start off with some deep belly breaths.
And if I'm like, let's say I'm hanging out with people and I'm noticing a little bit ofnervousness, I may not go head to toe, right?
Cause then I'm a little bit out of it for a moment while I'm attending to myself for thatlong.
(55:18):
But I might just do a quick check in with my body.
Where am I holding tension in this moment?
And can I release it?
And then I'm also curious about why am I holding tension in this moment?
Is there something about this that feels not quite right for me?
Am I feeling a little bit cold and I need to grab something warm to wear?
Is my back to the door and that's making me uncomfortable?
(55:39):
Can I ask someone to switch seats with me?
So yeah, we just use a little bit of curiosity also throughout interacting with others tocontinue to make sure we're being connected with ourselves.
Another thing I want you to consider is this week, try something that is a little bitoutside of your comfort zone, not your safety zone, but your comfort zone.
(56:07):
So whether it's commenting on a TikTok, joining a walking club or starting a new hobby,try it out.
See if this is a way to connect with someone.
I know that during this episode, we've been talking about dating, but there's also a realdesire that I've heard from a number of folks that I work.
with and that I meet and interact with to make meaningful friendships also.
(56:30):
And so these are all ways for us to connect.
So if you try this and it works out or if it doesn't work out, because you know, we lovelore, hashtag emboldened with Jessica so we can be in the loop and stay connected.
(56:59):
Are you enjoying the show?
Have a feeling that's an overwhelming yes.
We can use your support to keep this space growing and thriving.
Here's how you can help.
Share this episode with a loved one who you know is gonna enjoy it.
Sharing helps spread the word and brings more amazing people into our beautiful community.
If you haven't already, please take a moment to rate and review the podcast on yourfavorite podcast platform.
(57:25):
Your reviews help others find the show
and lets them know this is a space worth tuning into.
If you can't support the podcast financially, consider donating through DonorBox.
Every contribution helps cover the cost of producing the show and keeps the episodescommercial free.
You can find the link to donate in the show notes.
(57:47):
Thank you so much for being a part of this journey with us.
Your ongoing support, your feedback, your encouragement, it means the world.
We couldn't do this without you.
Until next time, stay emboldened.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Ridiculous History
History is beautiful, brutal and, often, ridiculous. Join Ben Bowlin and Noel Brown as they dive into some of the weirdest stories from across the span of human civilization in Ridiculous History, a podcast by iHeartRadio.