May 1, 2025 • 41 mins
Do you ever feel like you know what you should do… but you just can’t make yourself do it?
In this episode, Renee continues talking about the three main types of impulsivity many women with ADHD experience — from split-second decisions to the struggle of delaying gratification.
You’ll learn:
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Why ADHD brains often can’t pause before acting and struggle even when they do
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How delay discounting makes future rewards feel less valuable
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How your mind create scenarios that talk you out of delayed gratification
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Real-life examples you’ll instantly relate to (hello, skipping the grocery store for the couch!)
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And practical tools to manage impulsivity with self-compassion
Renee shares strategies like creating a dopamine-raising list of things you love to do, visualizing future rewards, mindset shifts and developing personal reward systems that actually work for ADHD brains.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:29):
Hello, welcome to Inspiring Women with adhd.
I'm Renee Allen, the host of this podcast, and I am excited
to be here today. I don't know why I laugh every
time I do that, but I'm not used to rehearsed things.
And it's not like I've rehearsed it.
I just say it whenever I come on here.
But, you know, it is what it is. It's a podcast.
I need to do an intro. So thank you for being here.
(00:51):
Today. I'm going to talk about impulsivity again, impulsive behavior,
impulse control, all of those things.
And if you listen to the last two podcasts, also about
impulse control, part of adhd, part of the hyperactive impulsive
type, or combined type if you have the attention deficit
(01:13):
and the hyperactive impulsive type. But there are three
kinds of impulsive behaviors, all very strong for
people who deal with impulse control with adhd.
One of them is the acting without thinking, not even realizing
you're doing something and then you did it.
And sometimes the self awareness, I would say,
(01:37):
actually isn't even there. Especially when you're younger, you
might become self aware eventually because you realize, oh,
I'm the only person doing this, I shouldn't be talking so much,
or whatever it is, whether you're in a public situation or not.
And sometimes you don't realize you do
(01:58):
it at all unless you fall triple whatever you run across.
I don't know if you do this, but if you leap across a room, which
I do a lot, I get an idea to do something and I think
or I forget that I was doing something, and I run
back to turn the stove off or to turn the water off
or something like that. And just that idea that pops in my
(02:20):
mind and the impulse to take care of it causes me
to run into things, trip, spill things, drop things.
Yeah. Bruise my ribs really, really bad
just because I don't even remember what I decided to do that
day. I just turned to run across the living room
(02:43):
that I dealt with it for two weeks. My ribs hurt so bad.
Teaching my classes. It was really hard.
So those are the things that you do without thinking.
Who knows why? And sometimes you don't even realize it ever until
someone says, where'd you get that bruise?
And you go, hmm. And you don't know until you run into a
cupboard or that is just that height.
And oh, yeah, that must be where I hit it last time.
(03:03):
So, yeah. The other one is the second type is
failure to stop an impulse when the impulse is
really, really strong and you're recognizing it or you're
feeling it. Maybe you're not giving it a name or something, but
you're feeling it greatly and not being able to hold that in.
(03:24):
The third kind that I want to talk about today is about the
choices that we make. Choosing something sooner than later,
even if the reward is greater later, we choose
it now. And it's interesting because they call it delay
discounting, which I was thinking, because you've
(03:46):
got two verbals here. If you've majored in English or studied
English, you've got two verbal words here.
So you could say, are you delaying the discount?
Are you discounting the delay? It's the second one.
That's why I couldn't figure it out.
I'm like, so you're delaying discounting someone what you know.
But no, you're discounting
(04:09):
the delayed reward. So let's say if
in one month you don't go out, you don't spend
money on going out to eat or something, in one month you'll
have enough money to go do something you really want
to do. Let's say you want to go to Disney World or
(04:30):
something. And you'll have enough money if you don't go out
to eat for a whole month. Probably not, because it's really expensive
to go to Disney World. But if you eat out a lot,
maybe so. So if you're discounting the delay, the
delayed reward, then what you do is you think,
well, it's not that great to go to Disney World anyway.
(04:50):
You're taking whatever that prize is.
Let's just put a number on it. Let's say if you don't stop
and get a coffee every on the way to work, you
will have a thousand dollars. And you could spend that thousand
dollars on anything you want. I'm just kind of throwing numbers
out there in your mind when it's time to stop and
get that coffee, because you love stopping and getting that.
(05:11):
That's your habit. That's what you love.
That's what will get you through your day.
In your mind, that thousand dollars, you're starting to discount
it in your mind that is so far away that you're
starting to say that thousand dollars.
Yeah, it's not going to be there anyway.
Like, we'll spend the money on something else.
Those are real life discounting. But if you take
(05:32):
something that could be a great reward, like if I
go to the gym and do my workouts like I want
to and eat healthier, in six weeks I'll
be able to do this. I'LL be stronger.
I'll be able to fit in my clothes again.
I've been not fitting my clothes. I don't want to have to
(05:54):
buy other clothes. And these don't fit comfortably.
They're tight or whatever. But in your mind, when you're in
bed and you don't want to get out of bed early enough to go to
the gym, or in your mind, you know, the comfort of
being in bed longer is greater to you
than the reward that you could get of doing that again
(06:14):
and again and again. And you can even discount the benefit
of what you're doing. You could even say, well, you can rationalize
it away. You could say, well, you know, because you want that
comfort right now, because you want that gratification right
now, you're not going to give yourself the reward later.
You're going to tell yourself that that reward doesn't matter
as much. You're going to tell yourself that you won't get there
(06:38):
anyway, all of those things. And if you are
interested in an episode just about that whole system of
reward and maybe it works for somebody, I
mean, rewards work. We've grown up with rewards and we're
kind of a world that does that. But if you want a whole
(06:59):
episode about the psychology of that with
having healthier habits to have a reward later,
I. I could do that. I may do that maybe
in June or something, but maybe sooner.
(07:20):
Maybe I can't delay the gratification of doing that.
But for me, anyway, I have to
because. Because I have. I do have this problem with the impulsivity
of not valuing that greater reward as it
truly will be. So I have. And I think
(07:42):
part of it is. Well, part of my rationalization is I can't guarantee
it. Will it really happen? Will I really get to
have that? I'm just making sure my microphone's on.
If you listen to the last one, when I recorded that one last
week, no audio, but I got it
to work the second time around. Anyway, back to that.
(08:06):
If you tell yourself that
you'll never get there anyway, that is really diminishing that
reward, right? That's really discounting it.
You're taking that reward. It was worth a thousand dollars.
Now you're taking it down to 10 cents because you're going to
tell yourself it's actually worth nothing because it's not going
to happen. I've been down this road before and I don't
(08:29):
lose weight easily or my body doesn't build muscle easily or
whatever it is. You tell your all that stuff mostly
so you can just have the reward you want right now.
You can just not have to put forth the
effort in any way that it is. And
the way. Just the little summary of how it works best
(08:51):
for me is to tell myself is to think of
what today's reward would be. What would today's reward be
by doing this? And the outcome. Yeah, I can't
control. You can't always, you know, guarantee certain outcomes
when they don't have a number attached to, when it's not
(09:14):
something like saving money, spending money.
Sometimes you have to tell yourself it's okay because I'll still
be doing better then and I'll be doing better today.
Because every day adds up. And we always get to that, to
that. Six weeks, three months, year, whatever it is, it always
comes. It always seems so far away. But, yeah, so this is what
(09:35):
we're talking about today. Even though I've kind of skipped all
around. Of course, of course, of course.
But the choosing the immediate reward,
it's a little bit different than just withholding a response
or acting without thinking. It's choosing something.
Now you are thinking about it, but you're thinking of
(09:56):
it in a way that may not be the most beneficial
to yourself. And maybe you do that again and again
and again. And maybe you don't like doing that.
Maybe you don't know that's even possible, to not do that.
So what are some ways that this can show up in your life?
In my life. Your life. One could be just,
(10:20):
let's say you need to go to the grocery store.
You really need to go to the grocery store when you get home,
there's hardly anything to eat and you're really, really hungry,
but you just got off of work, or you just picked up the kids
from school. And as you're driving home, the
effort that it takes to go to that store seems
(10:41):
far worse than the reward of being able
to come home and have food to eat, not only today, but
tomorrow and the next day and maybe for the week.
And so what you do in your mind, you may just say,
I don't feel like going to the store right now.
I'd rather just be home. I'd rather just get home,
(11:04):
be comfortable, stop driving around in this traffic, not have
to go into the store. So you're weighing the thing that you need
to do, and you're seeing that as
being, well, let's back it up. Cause I'm getting
confused. Not confused, but I feel like I might
be confusing you. You're taking the reward of having
(11:28):
the food which is what you want, right?
That's your goal, is to have food. And maybe you set out to do
that before. But as you drive home, the reward of
just getting to be home, just having the day be over,
you can go in, shut the door, and you're home, don't have
to do things in your day anymore. That reward of
getting home faster might be greater to you, even
(11:51):
though you really do need to do the other thing.
Another thing that you might do is say you're working on
a project, you stop it, you don't finish it,
even though the reward would be great because you need to get
that done. You need to get your laundry done tomorrow.
You're going to want to know where those socks are.
I'm raising my hand right now. I've been digging through laundry
(12:14):
baskets looking for socks the past few days.
You want to spend time doing that, but you don't want to
spend time doing that. So your choice impulsivity is
kind of combined with having a hard time making a decision, having
a hard time committing to the thing with the greatest reward,
committing to what you really need to do, what
(12:37):
might be best for you, your home, your family, maybe even
doing something that's not important.
Maybe it's a hobby or something like that, and you just think,
I want to do this instead. And that's okay from time to time.
But if that's your habit to do the most exciting,
most fun thing instead of things that are important,
(12:59):
then you are taking the wonderful gratifying
feeling of I'm on top of things, all my clothes
are put away, all of that. That's the reward for me when
I finish a project. It's not just the excitement of finishing
the project, it's actually having things order.
(13:19):
The reward would be having a more orderly home.
And if I am discounting that by only focusing on
what's happening right now, what my needs are, taking those
benefits of not doing it, as opposed to spending
the time doing it and getting the benefit later.
(13:41):
That delayed benefit, discounting that benefit is what
is this type of impulsive behavior? Basically?
So it can apply to a lot of things. And it might sound
a little trickier to figure out, but I would imagine in your
life you can probably think of some things like this,
even if you don't have big impulse control problems, even if
(14:03):
you don't have that kind of ADHD where there are
enough symptoms with it that you would actually be diagnosed
with a hyperactive, impulsive ADHD type.
But you could have some of these tendencies if you have
that executive dysfunction that makes it just really hard
(14:24):
to hold off. And you just always choosing that immediate
benefit, that immediate reward, that immediate gratification.
Another one. You are saving up to do
something. You go into a store, you see something and you think,
I don't want to buy this. I'm saving up for this trip.
We're going on a trip in two weeks. I want to have, you know,
I don't want to spend money right now because I want to feel
(14:45):
more free to spend money when I get there.
But you think, but I really want this.
You know, can I wait? Can I wait? So money plays into a lot
of these impulsive things, sadly enough.
And then also just nighttime behavior.
You have a plan. You have a schedule
of getting to bed by a certain time so that you
(15:08):
can be healthy, so that you can abcd, maybe not get.
Leave late in the morning, whether it's to go to work, get
kids to school, go to the gym, whatever it is.
If you start watching a show, binge watching a
show, and think, just one more episode, just one more
episode that is taking that gratification, that
(15:33):
enjoyment of the moment. I don't want to stop.
I don't want to stop. I don't want to stop.
When you should look at
what will happen if I stay up too late.
How will I feel in the morning? Maybe I'll sleep in.
Maybe I'll get sick. Maybe I'll be late because I won't
have it all together. Maybe my kids will have a
(15:57):
harder time at school because I've rushed them in the morning
because I wasn't up. All of those things.
It's not looking at the big picture.
And considering that. Have you ever watched 24?
I was very late to that show. I mean, it's an
old show, and my husband and I just watched it.
(16:18):
I think last year that was. I mean, they are really,
really good with the hooks on those episodes.
Because we'd watch a couple episodes and I would be
thinking, every. Every episode, I swear, every episode I
would think, okay, this will be the last one, because I want
to go get a few things ready in the kitchen before
(16:38):
bed. And then you get to the end of that episode and
they do just one thing that makes me want to
just watch just the beginning of the next episode.
So at least I just get that answer, that little answer.
I'm so curious what happens next. So I get to the beginning
of the next episode, and then I get into that, well, maybe I
will just watch this episode. I don't really need to do that
(16:59):
in the kitchen. But then as I'm watching that, like, I really
need to go in and brush my teeth. I need to, you know.
And this is for sure the last episode.
And then one thing. And I was sad when that show was
over because I thought it was really, really good.
But in a way, it was a relief because other shows haven't drawn
me in like that at all. At all. At all.
At all. But, yeah. So there have actually been
(17:23):
studies on this. I've heard of a study with children where they
tell them, I'm going to put, I don't know, some
candy on the table and leave, and you can
eat it while I'm gone. But if you wait till I come
back, then you'll get two of them. And I think, okay,
(17:44):
I should know my studies better. But pretty much all of them
just ate the candy there. They didn't want to wait and get twice
as much. They couldn't resist getting it right then.
And there have also been studies. Would you rather have $20 now
or $50 in two weeks? Would you rather have somehow
in our minds, that delay discounting, the discounting of what
(18:05):
can happen later, that $50 in two weeks, not
just inflation, but $50 in two weeks just doesn't sound
as big as the $20 now. Although $20 doesn't buy us
as much. But it's just the more that you do that,
the more that you discount, rationalize the benefit, tell
(18:27):
yourself it's not really that valuable.
That is a more impulsive nature, more impulsive behavior.
And it's almost like you're. If you've ever done taxes,
jihad taxes, depreciation is when the value goes
down, down, down, down. And so it's like you are depreciating
(18:49):
the value of that reward according to the
amount of time it takes. If it's one month out, maybe
you can do it. If it's three months out.
That sounds like, you know, like a fantasy land.
Nothing. We're never going to get to three months out, are we?
That just sounds forever away. It's hard.
(19:09):
It's hard. I've challenged myself with things where
I give myself a reward. Have you ever done that?
It's not, as. I'd say, it's not as effective
as somebody else saying, you'll get this reward, like if you
join a competition or. I don't know what it
would be. I used to do beachbody reward challenges where we'd
(19:31):
be in a group, and it was mostly because my friend was a beachbody
coach and we'd just go in and we'd report our workouts and our.
How we ate and how much water we drank and stuff.
And our team always won because we wanted that reward.
They weren't even huge rewards, but it was just that
competitive nature that made that reward seem
(19:54):
more valuable because we are also the winners.
So I think when somebody else is challenging you to do that,
that's really helpful. Accountability, of course, is super helpful.
But I did used to give myself a reward.
Like I remember one time I used to do firm workouts long, long
ago, back in the. Is that the 90s? It was
the 90s. And they came out with a barbell,
(20:18):
the firm barbell. And I still have it.
I, I still value it very highly. Now they make barbells
that, where you can buy a pad and put over them.
And maybe they did too, but they're really, to me, long thin
bars. And then you have this pad that's kind of in
the middle that goes on your shoulders and that might be fine,
but I never like the really long ones.
(20:39):
The firm one was thicker, not as long.
And you just use whatever weight plates you wanted if you ever
used barbell. But the pad was already on it.
And instead of like this clip thing to put.
I'm so picky about things. Instead of a clip thing to put the,
the weight plates on, it actually slid across and it was like
just a magical design. And it was, I think it cost
(21:02):
$40. It was either $40 or $60. It was probably even
the early 2000s when I got some catalog.
I don't even know if they had it online then.
That's when we got our first computer in probably the year 2000
or 99. But that's how I measure things.
But yeah, I decided if you
(21:25):
can get yourself to do these workouts every day and stick to
your eating plan for one month, you can buy yourself that
barbell. And I did and I was so happy.
So I haven't used it in a while, but.
Oh, well, anyway, so. Yeah, so one of
the things with the impulsive nature, the
(21:48):
impulsive structure of our brains is you have
a hyper responsive reward system. It makes it
so you want the immediate gratification.
You need that dopamine. You need that, I need that woo.
You know, that's just so exciting. We got a touchdown.
Yay. You know that that's how we can feel when we reward
(22:10):
ourselves. It's. I get to sleep in longer.
That might not feel like a reward, but that, that
kind of a relax. That could be more of A relaxing reward, like
I don't have to get up or something.
You know, you don't have to push yourself or something.
But a lot of things, like food, that's a hard one.
(22:30):
You know, if you have problems with sugar or
soda or caffeine, your Diet Coke, whatever it
is, if it makes you happy to drink it, it's
uplifting to you. You love to sing while you drive.
You know, all those things, and you know, there's somebody who
doesn't appreciate that as much, and it's hard not to do it.
(22:53):
You know, some of those things that make us feel uplifted,
if we have to give them up, it
can be hard if there are things that make us happy.
I know the singing thing doesn't make as much sense as a reward,
but it is one of my things that makes.
Makes me have a lot of dopamine. If you even think of
(23:15):
things like that, that can take the place of something
else that you're seeking, something else that you're trying to
resist, whether it's.
Who knows what it is. Everyone has their thing, right?
That saving money. Saving money doesn't make
you feel excited. It doesn't. Unless you're a little kid
(23:38):
and you have a jar and you get to see it grow or something like
that. But it doesn't make you just go, yay, I
saved money today. It doesn't. It doesn't.
So it can be really hard. So you have to
think of strategies instead of just going, I'll find a way.
That this is fun. Doesn't always work, but if you
(23:59):
are able to visualize somehow that benefit.
Visualize what it will be like to go on
that trip and to be able to walk around town and to have
more money, to be able to eat out, not just go to the grocery
store and eat food out of your rental car or something.
Visualize what delaying spending now can
(24:22):
do to help you on the trip. Help yourself remember why
you set that goal in the first place.
And that can be helpful. Also, just whatever it
is that you want to do right now, see if you can delay
it. I do this with eating sometimes, like, because I've always
been. I've always loved, loved, loved ice cream
(24:43):
and can easily eat ice cream all day long.
And sometimes if I think ice cream is the only thing
that will make me happy right now, that's a common thought.
So if I'm in that mood, it's actually not as common as it
used to be, but it's still there. So if I'm having that time
of day where I might think, if I had ice cream right
(25:03):
now, it's the only thing I could eat, and it's the only thing
that'll just be amazing. And if I stop myself
on the way to the freezer and say, but what if before you
ate that ice cream, you made yourself a chocolate protein smoothie?
It's kind of like the ice cream. Not really, not nearly as
good, but it has a similar benefit. It's cold,
(25:28):
it's icy, it's chocolatey. It is not as yummy, but
it's refreshing. It's wonderful. So I'm delaying that ice
cream and actually nourishing my body with that protein
smoothie. And I, by the time I've had that,
I'm more balanced. I don't need that ice cream.
I don't want that ice cream. So if you can find a way
(25:50):
to delay yourself with something else, that might not
be as exciting, but it's still something you get now even
have a list. One of the first things I did when I made my
website, and I don't know if anybody ever signed up for it, but
it gives it something that I like to do.
And I just thought other people might like it too.
But I like to think of my favorite things.
(26:12):
I like to know what my favorite things are to do.
What will give me some kind of a dopamine
rush, what will feel rewarding. Maybe not like
a prize or reward, but it is something that when I do
it or see it, I feel good inside. That's what it's all
about, right? Eating that chocolate, you feel good inside.
(26:34):
So what else can I do besides the thing that I'm trying
to avoid right now? What could that be?
And for me, putting on music and singing, if I
just think of it on my own, like, it's not as exciting.
If I just start doing it, it feels great.
If I actually put the earbuds in your ear, put
(26:54):
on the music loud, start dancing, that will give it to me.
I have to have to kind of push myself first.
Or lighting a candle. That might sound simple and it might not
sound super energetic, but if you do love looking at fire.
I do. I've always loved campfires, fire in a fireplace.
It's just very soothing. It's not the jump up and down
(27:17):
kind of response, but it is really soothing.
And you know, it's one of those pleasure responses, right?
So if you have your list of things and there could even just
be three of them, it could be taking a hot bath, it could be
walking outside and Listening to the birds.
It can be simple. And sometimes it's like we're pushing ourselves.
(27:37):
Just go do that. See if you, you know, if that helps.
It might just distract you enough so that you are avoiding
what you're trying to avoid, you're delaying what you're trying
to delay. And you can even give yourself tiny rewards
for pausing, for making it a day of doing
what you want to do and saving money.
(28:00):
It's kind of a funny thing because it's not like we want to,
like, spend money to reward ourselves for saving money, but
maybe you do give yourself a little more time to yourself or
something to paint your nails. Maybe you're not spending
money to do it, but you allow yourself to lighten your work
schedule somehow. Yeah. Also, I think it's really
(28:21):
helpful to just get a mindset shift to change
my perspective a little bit, to change the weight of how
important this thing is that I think is so important to do.
And imagine somebody else, do they
need that as much? How are they doing without that?
(28:44):
You go to the store and you look in people's carts if you're
curious like I am. And it's not to judge, it's just because
I'm kind of baffled with curiosity that everyone does it differently.
Sure, there's some things that everyone buys, but there are a
lot of things that I will never buy in my life that people buy
every week. A lot of things on the shelf that I'll never,
(29:05):
ever, ever, ever buy were all so different.
So what makes one person go, oh, I'm so glad to eat this
today. Somebody else is like, ew, I'd never eat that.
I don't need that at all. So just kind of compare yourself and
just kind of question yourself. Like, how.
How great of a thing is this that I'm just building up so
(29:25):
big in my mind? Maybe it's great, but yeah, yeah.
And you can even if you, like, think, oh, there's some
sale, and if I don't buy this now, it's only for
three days. If I don't do it now, I'm going to forget.
Send yourself some kind of reminder, whether it's through your
phone, your app schedule. Sometimes I'll get an email that
(29:47):
tells me about a sale that lasts five days or something, and
I'll think, oh, I got to jump on this right now.
And I'll waste way too much time just looking and thinking and
putting things in the cart. And I'll think, do you really need
to do this? Like, back up and think.
And I Can't really back up in my mind.
I can't really back up, but I can delay it.
And I can take that email, forward it to myself, schedule send
(30:08):
it. Have you ever used schedule Send on Gmail?
It's down at the bottom. You pick a calendar date, you pick what
time of the morning, afternoon, whenever, and just send it to
yourself. And you get it and you go, what was I thinking?
Why was I wanting to buy something there?
You know, in a different mindset, you just put yourself into
the future you may not even care about as much, but yeah,
(30:30):
yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, patience takes patience for
sure. But you can become more patient.
You can become more patient. I'm, I.
I've learned that in some ways and not always.
I've learned that with my children, with people, I think to delay
(30:52):
responses to them, that before I might have reacted more.
But as far as the patients, like when I was talking about not
stopping at the store, not going to pick up food, sometimes even
if I need to use the bathroom, I'll think, just run back
into the gym when I've taught or something, just go back in there.
And I think, no, I'm in the car. I just want to go home.
I just want to go home. So I'm not giving myself.
(31:15):
What I really need is just to feel a lot better
and do that now. Instead, I'm driving home, running a few
errands first and causing a lot of discomfort.
And we don't always do what's best for ourselves.
Just in. In a way, it does feel like a lack
of patience, but it's just because
(31:38):
what we want to do right now doesn't match up with what
might be best for us now or later. So,
yeah,
there's one other thing I was gonna say, and I.
I can't find it. I put all these notes in here.
It could come back, but. Yeah, and. And I
(32:01):
know I've mentioned a thousand times, I'm a yoga teacher, and
all of these things, the slowing down, the pausing, the
breathing, all of that can help. There are
mine set shifts that you can make pretty easily
just by doing that. Because what happens is when the
(32:22):
body gets more anxious because you're trying to
decide or it's building up in you, you just want to
do this now. You don't want to wait till later, whatever it
is. You could even be in line for a ride at
Disneyland or somewhere. You might be in line at the grocery
store. You've been in line for a while, you've already paid
(32:45):
that much time to be there in the store and in
line, but because you just want to
get out of line. That impulse of nature, part of
that is you're also not looking at that reward.
The reward is, if I stay in line, I can buy what
I came here to buy. I will have it when I get home, I will
(33:08):
have what I need, and I don't have to come back later or I don't
have to do without. But if you're choosing the immediate reward
of I could get in the car now, I could be
out of this line, I could be walking around, I could be doing
something different besides standing here going crazy in line,
when you choose that immediate reward of being able to walk
(33:30):
around, then you may give up what you
really need to do, what the future thing is.
And yeah, it's a real thing. It's a real thing.
And sometimes you make it worse for yourself.
Sometimes you really do. If you're somebody who switches lines,
this can be like on the freeway, it could be switching lanes.
(33:51):
Being stuck in traffic is just like waiting in a big, long line.
But if you're in a line at the grocery store and then you
see another register and you think, oh, I think that line shorter.
And so you go move your cart because you couldn't stand where
you were anymore, it was driving you crazy.
You go stand in the other one, and sure enough, that cart
right there was actually so full and.
(34:12):
Or they had some issue or something.
And you're standing there and you're watching all the people
that were behind you going through or register right by
it opening up, and they're saying, hey.
And they're taking, you know, half of those people.
It's so frustrating. It's so hard. I've done the
line switch many times. I've done the lane
switch. I mean, a lot of people do that on the freeway, for sure.
(34:35):
I'm trying to learn. Just stay in your lane, stay in
your lane, unless it's really obvious that's the worst lane.
But then don't switch back. I don't know.
Maybe there's no hard, fast rule. It's hard to know.
I'd really just rather get off the fear freeway and go drive
through some field of cows or something.
You know, buy some. Not in the field, but next to the cows.
I'd rather drive farther. And even if it took longer than
(34:59):
waiting. So it's choosing that immediate reward to,
you know, just get out of the stuck situation.
But yeah, yeah, I guess that's
probably it for today. I had more to say.
I You know, I always have more in my mind, and afterwards I'll
(35:20):
remember. That's life, isn't it? That's life.
Thank you so much for being here. This is probably a
shorter session. Oh, session. We're in therapy together, in
case you didn't know. Really? This is kind of what this is.
Not really, but I'm. It's. It's learning together.
It's learning together. I. I'm learning and then I'm sharing
(35:42):
what I've learned, and not just since I've been diagnosed
with adhd, but just sharing what I've learned even before
that. All those strategies, and I'm sure you've done it too,
where you develop these strategies that you didn't even know
were for adhd. You didn't even know were because your brain
was doing this thing that everybody else's brain isn't doing.
(36:03):
But, yeah, I would love to hear. And
I'm going to probably think about it, too.
I'm gonna probably. That's not very committed, huh?
I'm going to think about this, too. I'm gonna watch
for. And I want you to do this, watch for circumstances in
the next week, anytime when it's wiser for
(36:25):
you to wait to get that greater
reward and you choose an immediate reward instead,
or you're tempted to choose the immediate reward
instead. Notice how hard that is for you, or if
it's not very hard, or if there are people around you
(36:46):
that it's a lot harder for them than it is for you because we're
all different.
It's kind of fascinating because the more that I think about
it, the more I. I see that
I do this, I. That I struggle with this.
You know, even just the cleaning and organizing part, if you
(37:08):
like your house to be organized, but you're a little
baffled by the whole process and you don't have time for it.
And you know, my refrigerator right now, if I put
one thing in, it's like a little. Everything else is going to
push and fall out. I really need to clean the refrigerator, but
I don't think I have time before my trip.
I'm going on a trip in two days, so everyone's going to live
(37:29):
with that. I don't know, maybe I'll throw a few things away,
but if I really took probably 15 minutes, I would
get that reward. 15 minutes of effort instead of watching
TV, that's the immediate reward. Instead of watching TV for
15 minutes tonight, can I go in to the fridge and
(37:49):
just quick throw stuff away?
It's hard when you have adhd, you might do that and then
think, well, really, I'm going to spend a half hour now.
I'm going to spend 45 minutes. I'm going to clean out the inside.
It's hard not to go hyper focused once you start doing it, but
if you really only want to spend 15 minutes, set a timer and
do that. See if you can get a greater reward for some task
(38:12):
that you're avoiding because you're really just choosing the
immediate reward to not do it. Anyway, thanks again.
I appreciate you being here. I'll be back again next week.
I'm really gone next week, but I'll make two more episodes for
next week. So thanks so much for being here.
Remember to subscribe if you're on YouTube or leave
(38:32):
a five star review if you're on a podcast platform and share
this episode with two people. Thanks.
Bye. Double chins Rubber ducks Squeaky cheese and
paper cups Applesauce Superman rocket ship San
Peter Pan Boogie boards and parachutes and soda cans Jumping
jacks and pillowcases for my hands Donald Duck and fire trucks
(38:55):
and Pokemon Santa Claus and Johnny Depp and Donkey Kong
Chocolate chips and supersets in 9:14 little children jumping
on the trampoline Model trains and passing lanes in super glue
Tangerines and magazines in kangaroo.
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
(39:18):
Rewind I've run out of time to
sing melodies and harmonies I'm cut short
the silence of sound has yet been found but
not by me
(39:51):
I butter my toast spread on some grape
jelly I don't mean to fuss But
I'm a chef and a good one My grandma
can't hear me the breakfast is done and
I'm getting colder ever older so I I
(40:15):
run
Open windows broken shadow
Frozen dreams are left for tomorrow
(40:52):
Rewind I've run out of time to
sing melodies and harmonies I'm cut short
the silence of sound has yet been found but
not by me.
Hello, welcome to Inspiring Women with adhd.
I'm Renee Allen, the host of this podcast, and I am excited
to be here today. I don't know why I laugh every
time I do that, but I'm not used to rehearsed things.
And it's not like I've rehearsed it.
I just say it whenever I come on here.
But, you know, it is what it is. It's a podcast.
I need to do an intro. So thank you for being here.
(00:51):
Today. I'm going to talk about impulsivity again, impulsive behavior,
impulse control, all of those things.
And if you listen to the last two podcasts, also about
impulse control, part of adhd, part of the hyperactive impulsive
type, or combined type if you have the attention deficit
(01:13):
and the hyperactive impulsive type. But there are three
kinds of impulsive behaviors, all very strong for
people who deal with impulse control with adhd.
One of them is the acting without thinking, not even realizing
you're doing something and then you did it.
And sometimes the self awareness, I would say,
(01:37):
actually isn't even there. Especially when you're younger, you
might become self aware eventually because you realize, oh,
I'm the only person doing this, I shouldn't be talking so much,
or whatever it is, whether you're in a public situation or not.
And sometimes you don't realize you do
(01:58):
it at all unless you fall triple whatever you run across.
I don't know if you do this, but if you leap across a room, which
I do a lot, I get an idea to do something and I think
or I forget that I was doing something, and I run
back to turn the stove off or to turn the water off
or something like that. And just that idea that pops in my
(02:20):
mind and the impulse to take care of it causes me
to run into things, trip, spill things, drop things.
Yeah. Bruise my ribs really, really bad
just because I don't even remember what I decided to do that
day. I just turned to run across the living room
(02:43):
that I dealt with it for two weeks. My ribs hurt so bad.
Teaching my classes. It was really hard.
So those are the things that you do without thinking.
Who knows why? And sometimes you don't even realize it ever until
someone says, where'd you get that bruise?
And you go, hmm. And you don't know until you run into a
cupboard or that is just that height.
And oh, yeah, that must be where I hit it last time.
(03:03):
So, yeah. The other one is the second type is
failure to stop an impulse when the impulse is
really, really strong and you're recognizing it or you're
feeling it. Maybe you're not giving it a name or something, but
you're feeling it greatly and not being able to hold that in.
(03:24):
The third kind that I want to talk about today is about the
choices that we make. Choosing something sooner than later,
even if the reward is greater later, we choose
it now. And it's interesting because they call it delay
discounting, which I was thinking, because you've
(03:46):
got two verbals here. If you've majored in English or studied
English, you've got two verbal words here.
So you could say, are you delaying the discount?
Are you discounting the delay? It's the second one.
That's why I couldn't figure it out.
I'm like, so you're delaying discounting someone what you know.
But no, you're discounting
(04:09):
the delayed reward. So let's say if
in one month you don't go out, you don't spend
money on going out to eat or something, in one month you'll
have enough money to go do something you really want
to do. Let's say you want to go to Disney World or
(04:30):
something. And you'll have enough money if you don't go out
to eat for a whole month. Probably not, because it's really expensive
to go to Disney World. But if you eat out a lot,
maybe so. So if you're discounting the delay, the
delayed reward, then what you do is you think,
well, it's not that great to go to Disney World anyway.
(04:50):
You're taking whatever that prize is.
Let's just put a number on it. Let's say if you don't stop
and get a coffee every on the way to work, you
will have a thousand dollars. And you could spend that thousand
dollars on anything you want. I'm just kind of throwing numbers
out there in your mind when it's time to stop and
get that coffee, because you love stopping and getting that.
(05:11):
That's your habit. That's what you love.
That's what will get you through your day.
In your mind, that thousand dollars, you're starting to discount
it in your mind that is so far away that you're
starting to say that thousand dollars.
Yeah, it's not going to be there anyway.
Like, we'll spend the money on something else.
Those are real life discounting. But if you take
(05:32):
something that could be a great reward, like if I
go to the gym and do my workouts like I want
to and eat healthier, in six weeks I'll
be able to do this. I'LL be stronger.
I'll be able to fit in my clothes again.
I've been not fitting my clothes. I don't want to have to
(05:54):
buy other clothes. And these don't fit comfortably.
They're tight or whatever. But in your mind, when you're in
bed and you don't want to get out of bed early enough to go to
the gym, or in your mind, you know, the comfort of
being in bed longer is greater to you
than the reward that you could get of doing that again
(06:14):
and again and again. And you can even discount the benefit
of what you're doing. You could even say, well, you can rationalize
it away. You could say, well, you know, because you want that
comfort right now, because you want that gratification right
now, you're not going to give yourself the reward later.
You're going to tell yourself that that reward doesn't matter
as much. You're going to tell yourself that you won't get there
(06:38):
anyway, all of those things. And if you are
interested in an episode just about that whole system of
reward and maybe it works for somebody, I
mean, rewards work. We've grown up with rewards and we're
kind of a world that does that. But if you want a whole
(06:59):
episode about the psychology of that with
having healthier habits to have a reward later,
I. I could do that. I may do that maybe
in June or something, but maybe sooner.
(07:20):
Maybe I can't delay the gratification of doing that.
But for me, anyway, I have to
because. Because I have. I do have this problem with the impulsivity
of not valuing that greater reward as it
truly will be. So I have. And I think
(07:42):
part of it is. Well, part of my rationalization is I can't guarantee
it. Will it really happen? Will I really get to
have that? I'm just making sure my microphone's on.
If you listen to the last one, when I recorded that one last
week, no audio, but I got it
to work the second time around. Anyway, back to that.
(08:06):
If you tell yourself that
you'll never get there anyway, that is really diminishing that
reward, right? That's really discounting it.
You're taking that reward. It was worth a thousand dollars.
Now you're taking it down to 10 cents because you're going to
tell yourself it's actually worth nothing because it's not going
to happen. I've been down this road before and I don't
(08:29):
lose weight easily or my body doesn't build muscle easily or
whatever it is. You tell your all that stuff mostly
so you can just have the reward you want right now.
You can just not have to put forth the
effort in any way that it is. And
the way. Just the little summary of how it works best
(08:51):
for me is to tell myself is to think of
what today's reward would be. What would today's reward be
by doing this? And the outcome. Yeah, I can't
control. You can't always, you know, guarantee certain outcomes
when they don't have a number attached to, when it's not
(09:14):
something like saving money, spending money.
Sometimes you have to tell yourself it's okay because I'll still
be doing better then and I'll be doing better today.
Because every day adds up. And we always get to that, to
that. Six weeks, three months, year, whatever it is, it always
comes. It always seems so far away. But, yeah, so this is what
(09:35):
we're talking about today. Even though I've kind of skipped all
around. Of course, of course, of course.
But the choosing the immediate reward,
it's a little bit different than just withholding a response
or acting without thinking. It's choosing something.
Now you are thinking about it, but you're thinking of
(09:56):
it in a way that may not be the most beneficial
to yourself. And maybe you do that again and again
and again. And maybe you don't like doing that.
Maybe you don't know that's even possible, to not do that.
So what are some ways that this can show up in your life?
In my life. Your life. One could be just,
(10:20):
let's say you need to go to the grocery store.
You really need to go to the grocery store when you get home,
there's hardly anything to eat and you're really, really hungry,
but you just got off of work, or you just picked up the kids
from school. And as you're driving home, the
effort that it takes to go to that store seems
(10:41):
far worse than the reward of being able
to come home and have food to eat, not only today, but
tomorrow and the next day and maybe for the week.
And so what you do in your mind, you may just say,
I don't feel like going to the store right now.
I'd rather just be home. I'd rather just get home,
(11:04):
be comfortable, stop driving around in this traffic, not have
to go into the store. So you're weighing the thing that you need
to do, and you're seeing that as
being, well, let's back it up. Cause I'm getting
confused. Not confused, but I feel like I might
be confusing you. You're taking the reward of having
(11:28):
the food which is what you want, right?
That's your goal, is to have food. And maybe you set out to do
that before. But as you drive home, the reward of
just getting to be home, just having the day be over,
you can go in, shut the door, and you're home, don't have
to do things in your day anymore. That reward of
getting home faster might be greater to you, even
(11:51):
though you really do need to do the other thing.
Another thing that you might do is say you're working on
a project, you stop it, you don't finish it,
even though the reward would be great because you need to get
that done. You need to get your laundry done tomorrow.
You're going to want to know where those socks are.
I'm raising my hand right now. I've been digging through laundry
(12:14):
baskets looking for socks the past few days.
You want to spend time doing that, but you don't want to
spend time doing that. So your choice impulsivity is
kind of combined with having a hard time making a decision, having
a hard time committing to the thing with the greatest reward,
committing to what you really need to do, what
(12:37):
might be best for you, your home, your family, maybe even
doing something that's not important.
Maybe it's a hobby or something like that, and you just think,
I want to do this instead. And that's okay from time to time.
But if that's your habit to do the most exciting,
most fun thing instead of things that are important,
(12:59):
then you are taking the wonderful gratifying
feeling of I'm on top of things, all my clothes
are put away, all of that. That's the reward for me when
I finish a project. It's not just the excitement of finishing
the project, it's actually having things order.
(13:19):
The reward would be having a more orderly home.
And if I am discounting that by only focusing on
what's happening right now, what my needs are, taking those
benefits of not doing it, as opposed to spending
the time doing it and getting the benefit later.
(13:41):
That delayed benefit, discounting that benefit is what
is this type of impulsive behavior? Basically?
So it can apply to a lot of things. And it might sound
a little trickier to figure out, but I would imagine in your
life you can probably think of some things like this,
even if you don't have big impulse control problems, even if
(14:03):
you don't have that kind of ADHD where there are
enough symptoms with it that you would actually be diagnosed
with a hyperactive, impulsive ADHD type.
But you could have some of these tendencies if you have
that executive dysfunction that makes it just really hard
(14:24):
to hold off. And you just always choosing that immediate
benefit, that immediate reward, that immediate gratification.
Another one. You are saving up to do
something. You go into a store, you see something and you think,
I don't want to buy this. I'm saving up for this trip.
We're going on a trip in two weeks. I want to have, you know,
I don't want to spend money right now because I want to feel
(14:45):
more free to spend money when I get there.
But you think, but I really want this.
You know, can I wait? Can I wait? So money plays into a lot
of these impulsive things, sadly enough.
And then also just nighttime behavior.
You have a plan. You have a schedule
of getting to bed by a certain time so that you
(15:08):
can be healthy, so that you can abcd, maybe not get.
Leave late in the morning, whether it's to go to work, get
kids to school, go to the gym, whatever it is.
If you start watching a show, binge watching a
show, and think, just one more episode, just one more
episode that is taking that gratification, that
(15:33):
enjoyment of the moment. I don't want to stop.
I don't want to stop. I don't want to stop.
When you should look at
what will happen if I stay up too late.
How will I feel in the morning? Maybe I'll sleep in.
Maybe I'll get sick. Maybe I'll be late because I won't
have it all together. Maybe my kids will have a
(15:57):
harder time at school because I've rushed them in the morning
because I wasn't up. All of those things.
It's not looking at the big picture.
And considering that. Have you ever watched 24?
I was very late to that show. I mean, it's an
old show, and my husband and I just watched it.
(16:18):
I think last year that was. I mean, they are really,
really good with the hooks on those episodes.
Because we'd watch a couple episodes and I would be
thinking, every. Every episode, I swear, every episode I
would think, okay, this will be the last one, because I want
to go get a few things ready in the kitchen before
(16:38):
bed. And then you get to the end of that episode and
they do just one thing that makes me want to
just watch just the beginning of the next episode.
So at least I just get that answer, that little answer.
I'm so curious what happens next. So I get to the beginning
of the next episode, and then I get into that, well, maybe I
will just watch this episode. I don't really need to do that
(16:59):
in the kitchen. But then as I'm watching that, like, I really
need to go in and brush my teeth. I need to, you know.
And this is for sure the last episode.
And then one thing. And I was sad when that show was
over because I thought it was really, really good.
But in a way, it was a relief because other shows haven't drawn
me in like that at all. At all. At all.
At all. But, yeah. So there have actually been
(17:23):
studies on this. I've heard of a study with children where they
tell them, I'm going to put, I don't know, some
candy on the table and leave, and you can
eat it while I'm gone. But if you wait till I come
back, then you'll get two of them. And I think, okay,
(17:44):
I should know my studies better. But pretty much all of them
just ate the candy there. They didn't want to wait and get twice
as much. They couldn't resist getting it right then.
And there have also been studies. Would you rather have $20 now
or $50 in two weeks? Would you rather have somehow
in our minds, that delay discounting, the discounting of what
(18:05):
can happen later, that $50 in two weeks, not
just inflation, but $50 in two weeks just doesn't sound
as big as the $20 now. Although $20 doesn't buy us
as much. But it's just the more that you do that,
the more that you discount, rationalize the benefit, tell
(18:27):
yourself it's not really that valuable.
That is a more impulsive nature, more impulsive behavior.
And it's almost like you're. If you've ever done taxes,
jihad taxes, depreciation is when the value goes
down, down, down, down. And so it's like you are depreciating
(18:49):
the value of that reward according to the
amount of time it takes. If it's one month out, maybe
you can do it. If it's three months out.
That sounds like, you know, like a fantasy land.
Nothing. We're never going to get to three months out, are we?
That just sounds forever away. It's hard.
(19:09):
It's hard. I've challenged myself with things where
I give myself a reward. Have you ever done that?
It's not, as. I'd say, it's not as effective
as somebody else saying, you'll get this reward, like if you
join a competition or. I don't know what it
would be. I used to do beachbody reward challenges where we'd
(19:31):
be in a group, and it was mostly because my friend was a beachbody
coach and we'd just go in and we'd report our workouts and our.
How we ate and how much water we drank and stuff.
And our team always won because we wanted that reward.
They weren't even huge rewards, but it was just that
competitive nature that made that reward seem
(19:54):
more valuable because we are also the winners.
So I think when somebody else is challenging you to do that,
that's really helpful. Accountability, of course, is super helpful.
But I did used to give myself a reward.
Like I remember one time I used to do firm workouts long, long
ago, back in the. Is that the 90s? It was
the 90s. And they came out with a barbell,
(20:18):
the firm barbell. And I still have it.
I, I still value it very highly. Now they make barbells
that, where you can buy a pad and put over them.
And maybe they did too, but they're really, to me, long thin
bars. And then you have this pad that's kind of in
the middle that goes on your shoulders and that might be fine,
but I never like the really long ones.
(20:39):
The firm one was thicker, not as long.
And you just use whatever weight plates you wanted if you ever
used barbell. But the pad was already on it.
And instead of like this clip thing to put.
I'm so picky about things. Instead of a clip thing to put the,
the weight plates on, it actually slid across and it was like
just a magical design. And it was, I think it cost
(21:02):
$40. It was either $40 or $60. It was probably even
the early 2000s when I got some catalog.
I don't even know if they had it online then.
That's when we got our first computer in probably the year 2000
or 99. But that's how I measure things.
But yeah, I decided if you
(21:25):
can get yourself to do these workouts every day and stick to
your eating plan for one month, you can buy yourself that
barbell. And I did and I was so happy.
So I haven't used it in a while, but.
Oh, well, anyway, so. Yeah, so one of
the things with the impulsive nature, the
(21:48):
impulsive structure of our brains is you have
a hyper responsive reward system. It makes it
so you want the immediate gratification.
You need that dopamine. You need that, I need that woo.
You know, that's just so exciting. We got a touchdown.
Yay. You know that that's how we can feel when we reward
(22:10):
ourselves. It's. I get to sleep in longer.
That might not feel like a reward, but that, that
kind of a relax. That could be more of A relaxing reward, like
I don't have to get up or something.
You know, you don't have to push yourself or something.
But a lot of things, like food, that's a hard one.
(22:30):
You know, if you have problems with sugar or
soda or caffeine, your Diet Coke, whatever it
is, if it makes you happy to drink it, it's
uplifting to you. You love to sing while you drive.
You know, all those things, and you know, there's somebody who
doesn't appreciate that as much, and it's hard not to do it.
(22:53):
You know, some of those things that make us feel uplifted,
if we have to give them up, it
can be hard if there are things that make us happy.
I know the singing thing doesn't make as much sense as a reward,
but it is one of my things that makes.
Makes me have a lot of dopamine. If you even think of
(23:15):
things like that, that can take the place of something
else that you're seeking, something else that you're trying to
resist, whether it's.
Who knows what it is. Everyone has their thing, right?
That saving money. Saving money doesn't make
you feel excited. It doesn't. Unless you're a little kid
(23:38):
and you have a jar and you get to see it grow or something like
that. But it doesn't make you just go, yay, I
saved money today. It doesn't. It doesn't.
So it can be really hard. So you have to
think of strategies instead of just going, I'll find a way.
That this is fun. Doesn't always work, but if you
(23:59):
are able to visualize somehow that benefit.
Visualize what it will be like to go on
that trip and to be able to walk around town and to have
more money, to be able to eat out, not just go to the grocery
store and eat food out of your rental car or something.
Visualize what delaying spending now can
(24:22):
do to help you on the trip. Help yourself remember why
you set that goal in the first place.
And that can be helpful. Also, just whatever it
is that you want to do right now, see if you can delay
it. I do this with eating sometimes, like, because I've always
been. I've always loved, loved, loved ice cream
(24:43):
and can easily eat ice cream all day long.
And sometimes if I think ice cream is the only thing
that will make me happy right now, that's a common thought.
So if I'm in that mood, it's actually not as common as it
used to be, but it's still there. So if I'm having that time
of day where I might think, if I had ice cream right
(25:03):
now, it's the only thing I could eat, and it's the only thing
that'll just be amazing. And if I stop myself
on the way to the freezer and say, but what if before you
ate that ice cream, you made yourself a chocolate protein smoothie?
It's kind of like the ice cream. Not really, not nearly as
good, but it has a similar benefit. It's cold,
(25:28):
it's icy, it's chocolatey. It is not as yummy, but
it's refreshing. It's wonderful. So I'm delaying that ice
cream and actually nourishing my body with that protein
smoothie. And I, by the time I've had that,
I'm more balanced. I don't need that ice cream.
I don't want that ice cream. So if you can find a way
(25:50):
to delay yourself with something else, that might not
be as exciting, but it's still something you get now even
have a list. One of the first things I did when I made my
website, and I don't know if anybody ever signed up for it, but
it gives it something that I like to do.
And I just thought other people might like it too.
But I like to think of my favorite things.
(26:12):
I like to know what my favorite things are to do.
What will give me some kind of a dopamine
rush, what will feel rewarding. Maybe not like
a prize or reward, but it is something that when I do
it or see it, I feel good inside. That's what it's all
about, right? Eating that chocolate, you feel good inside.
(26:34):
So what else can I do besides the thing that I'm trying
to avoid right now? What could that be?
And for me, putting on music and singing, if I
just think of it on my own, like, it's not as exciting.
If I just start doing it, it feels great.
If I actually put the earbuds in your ear, put
(26:54):
on the music loud, start dancing, that will give it to me.
I have to have to kind of push myself first.
Or lighting a candle. That might sound simple and it might not
sound super energetic, but if you do love looking at fire.
I do. I've always loved campfires, fire in a fireplace.
It's just very soothing. It's not the jump up and down
(27:17):
kind of response, but it is really soothing.
And you know, it's one of those pleasure responses, right?
So if you have your list of things and there could even just
be three of them, it could be taking a hot bath, it could be
walking outside and Listening to the birds.
It can be simple. And sometimes it's like we're pushing ourselves.
(27:37):
Just go do that. See if you, you know, if that helps.
It might just distract you enough so that you are avoiding
what you're trying to avoid, you're delaying what you're trying
to delay. And you can even give yourself tiny rewards
for pausing, for making it a day of doing
what you want to do and saving money.
(28:00):
It's kind of a funny thing because it's not like we want to,
like, spend money to reward ourselves for saving money, but
maybe you do give yourself a little more time to yourself or
something to paint your nails. Maybe you're not spending
money to do it, but you allow yourself to lighten your work
schedule somehow. Yeah. Also, I think it's really
(28:21):
helpful to just get a mindset shift to change
my perspective a little bit, to change the weight of how
important this thing is that I think is so important to do.
And imagine somebody else, do they
need that as much? How are they doing without that?
(28:44):
You go to the store and you look in people's carts if you're
curious like I am. And it's not to judge, it's just because
I'm kind of baffled with curiosity that everyone does it differently.
Sure, there's some things that everyone buys, but there are a
lot of things that I will never buy in my life that people buy
every week. A lot of things on the shelf that I'll never,
(29:05):
ever, ever, ever buy were all so different.
So what makes one person go, oh, I'm so glad to eat this
today. Somebody else is like, ew, I'd never eat that.
I don't need that at all. So just kind of compare yourself and
just kind of question yourself. Like, how.
How great of a thing is this that I'm just building up so
(29:25):
big in my mind? Maybe it's great, but yeah, yeah.
And you can even if you, like, think, oh, there's some
sale, and if I don't buy this now, it's only for
three days. If I don't do it now, I'm going to forget.
Send yourself some kind of reminder, whether it's through your
phone, your app schedule. Sometimes I'll get an email that
(29:47):
tells me about a sale that lasts five days or something, and
I'll think, oh, I got to jump on this right now.
And I'll waste way too much time just looking and thinking and
putting things in the cart. And I'll think, do you really need
to do this? Like, back up and think.
And I Can't really back up in my mind.
I can't really back up, but I can delay it.
And I can take that email, forward it to myself, schedule send
(30:08):
it. Have you ever used schedule Send on Gmail?
It's down at the bottom. You pick a calendar date, you pick what
time of the morning, afternoon, whenever, and just send it to
yourself. And you get it and you go, what was I thinking?
Why was I wanting to buy something there?
You know, in a different mindset, you just put yourself into
the future you may not even care about as much, but yeah,
(30:30):
yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, patience takes patience for
sure. But you can become more patient.
You can become more patient. I'm, I.
I've learned that in some ways and not always.
I've learned that with my children, with people, I think to delay
(30:52):
responses to them, that before I might have reacted more.
But as far as the patients, like when I was talking about not
stopping at the store, not going to pick up food, sometimes even
if I need to use the bathroom, I'll think, just run back
into the gym when I've taught or something, just go back in there.
And I think, no, I'm in the car. I just want to go home.
I just want to go home. So I'm not giving myself.
(31:15):
What I really need is just to feel a lot better
and do that now. Instead, I'm driving home, running a few
errands first and causing a lot of discomfort.
And we don't always do what's best for ourselves.
Just in. In a way, it does feel like a lack
of patience, but it's just because
(31:38):
what we want to do right now doesn't match up with what
might be best for us now or later. So,
yeah,
there's one other thing I was gonna say, and I.
I can't find it. I put all these notes in here.
It could come back, but. Yeah, and. And I
(32:01):
know I've mentioned a thousand times, I'm a yoga teacher, and
all of these things, the slowing down, the pausing, the
breathing, all of that can help. There are
mine set shifts that you can make pretty easily
just by doing that. Because what happens is when the
(32:22):
body gets more anxious because you're trying to
decide or it's building up in you, you just want to
do this now. You don't want to wait till later, whatever it
is. You could even be in line for a ride at
Disneyland or somewhere. You might be in line at the grocery
store. You've been in line for a while, you've already paid
(32:45):
that much time to be there in the store and in
line, but because you just want to
get out of line. That impulse of nature, part of
that is you're also not looking at that reward.
The reward is, if I stay in line, I can buy what
I came here to buy. I will have it when I get home, I will
(33:08):
have what I need, and I don't have to come back later or I don't
have to do without. But if you're choosing the immediate reward
of I could get in the car now, I could be
out of this line, I could be walking around, I could be doing
something different besides standing here going crazy in line,
when you choose that immediate reward of being able to walk
(33:30):
around, then you may give up what you
really need to do, what the future thing is.
And yeah, it's a real thing. It's a real thing.
And sometimes you make it worse for yourself.
Sometimes you really do. If you're somebody who switches lines,
this can be like on the freeway, it could be switching lanes.
(33:51):
Being stuck in traffic is just like waiting in a big, long line.
But if you're in a line at the grocery store and then you
see another register and you think, oh, I think that line shorter.
And so you go move your cart because you couldn't stand where
you were anymore, it was driving you crazy.
You go stand in the other one, and sure enough, that cart
right there was actually so full and.
(34:12):
Or they had some issue or something.
And you're standing there and you're watching all the people
that were behind you going through or register right by
it opening up, and they're saying, hey.
And they're taking, you know, half of those people.
It's so frustrating. It's so hard. I've done the
line switch many times. I've done the lane
switch. I mean, a lot of people do that on the freeway, for sure.
(34:35):
I'm trying to learn. Just stay in your lane, stay in
your lane, unless it's really obvious that's the worst lane.
But then don't switch back. I don't know.
Maybe there's no hard, fast rule. It's hard to know.
I'd really just rather get off the fear freeway and go drive
through some field of cows or something.
You know, buy some. Not in the field, but next to the cows.
I'd rather drive farther. And even if it took longer than
(34:59):
waiting. So it's choosing that immediate reward to,
you know, just get out of the stuck situation.
But yeah, yeah, I guess that's
probably it for today. I had more to say.
I You know, I always have more in my mind, and afterwards I'll
(35:20):
remember. That's life, isn't it? That's life.
Thank you so much for being here. This is probably a
shorter session. Oh, session. We're in therapy together, in
case you didn't know. Really? This is kind of what this is.
Not really, but I'm. It's. It's learning together.
It's learning together. I. I'm learning and then I'm sharing
(35:42):
what I've learned, and not just since I've been diagnosed
with adhd, but just sharing what I've learned even before
that. All those strategies, and I'm sure you've done it too,
where you develop these strategies that you didn't even know
were for adhd. You didn't even know were because your brain
was doing this thing that everybody else's brain isn't doing.
(36:03):
But, yeah, I would love to hear. And
I'm going to probably think about it, too.
I'm gonna probably. That's not very committed, huh?
I'm going to think about this, too. I'm gonna watch
for. And I want you to do this, watch for circumstances in
the next week, anytime when it's wiser for
(36:25):
you to wait to get that greater
reward and you choose an immediate reward instead,
or you're tempted to choose the immediate reward
instead. Notice how hard that is for you, or if
it's not very hard, or if there are people around you
(36:46):
that it's a lot harder for them than it is for you because we're
all different.
It's kind of fascinating because the more that I think about
it, the more I. I see that
I do this, I. That I struggle with this.
You know, even just the cleaning and organizing part, if you
(37:08):
like your house to be organized, but you're a little
baffled by the whole process and you don't have time for it.
And you know, my refrigerator right now, if I put
one thing in, it's like a little. Everything else is going to
push and fall out. I really need to clean the refrigerator, but
I don't think I have time before my trip.
I'm going on a trip in two days, so everyone's going to live
(37:29):
with that. I don't know, maybe I'll throw a few things away,
but if I really took probably 15 minutes, I would
get that reward. 15 minutes of effort instead of watching
TV, that's the immediate reward. Instead of watching TV for
15 minutes tonight, can I go in to the fridge and
(37:49):
just quick throw stuff away?
It's hard when you have adhd, you might do that and then
think, well, really, I'm going to spend a half hour now.
I'm going to spend 45 minutes. I'm going to clean out the inside.
It's hard not to go hyper focused once you start doing it, but
if you really only want to spend 15 minutes, set a timer and
do that. See if you can get a greater reward for some task
(38:12):
that you're avoiding because you're really just choosing the
immediate reward to not do it. Anyway, thanks again.
I appreciate you being here. I'll be back again next week.
I'm really gone next week, but I'll make two more episodes for
next week. So thanks so much for being here.
Remember to subscribe if you're on YouTube or leave
(38:32):
a five star review if you're on a podcast platform and share
this episode with two people. Thanks.
Bye. Double chins Rubber ducks Squeaky cheese and
paper cups Applesauce Superman rocket ship San
Peter Pan Boogie boards and parachutes and soda cans Jumping
jacks and pillowcases for my hands Donald Duck and fire trucks
(38:55):
and Pokemon Santa Claus and Johnny Depp and Donkey Kong
Chocolate chips and supersets in 9:14 little children jumping
on the trampoline Model trains and passing lanes in super glue
Tangerines and magazines in kangaroo.
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
(39:18):
Rewind I've run out of time to
sing melodies and harmonies I'm cut short
the silence of sound has yet been found but
not by me
(39:51):
I butter my toast spread on some grape
jelly I don't mean to fuss But
I'm a chef and a good one My grandma
can't hear me the breakfast is done and
I'm getting colder ever older so I I
(40:15):
run
Open windows broken shadow
Frozen dreams are left for tomorrow
(40:52):
Rewind I've run out of time to
sing melodies and harmonies I'm cut short
the silence of sound has yet been found but
not by me.
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