August 10, 2025 • 40 mins
In this episode of Legally Clueless, you’ll meet Rachel Lubanga, the eighth born in her family, born with albinism, and raised in Kakamega, Kenya. Rachel opens up about her journey through special and regular schooling, the stigma and myths she’s had to navigate, the mental health challenges that followed, and the bold ways she has advocated for herself and others.
This episode also connects to themes we’ll explore at our upcoming Wellness Talk in Nairobi – from setting boundaries with family, to reclaiming your identity, to healing from the silence of those who should have supported you.
📌 Key Moments in this episode:
We’ll unpack boundaries, family dynamics, and choosing yourself without guilt.
Tickets: Ksh.1000 and the talk 10:00am EAT!
Grab your tickets here: https://legallycluelessafrica.hustlesasa.shop/products/66913
💛 Join the Legally Clueless community:
This episode also connects to themes we’ll explore at our upcoming Wellness Talk in Nairobi – from setting boundaries with family, to reclaiming your identity, to healing from the silence of those who should have supported you.
📌 Key Moments in this episode:
- Growing up in Kakamega and discovering the realities of albinism
- The difference between special and regular school environments
- How misunderstanding and stigma can impact mental health
- Advocacy wins – from pushing for sunscreen access to policy changes
- The complicated dynamics of family relationships
- Moving towards healing and self-acceptance
We’ll unpack boundaries, family dynamics, and choosing yourself without guilt.
Tickets: Ksh.1000 and the talk 10:00am EAT!
Grab your tickets here: https://legallycluelessafrica.hustlesasa.shop/products/66913
💛 Join the Legally Clueless community:
- Sign up for our newsletter: www.legallycluelessafrica.com
- Instagram: www.instagram.com/legallycluelessafrica
- TikTok: www.tiktok.com/@legallycluelessafrica
- YouTube: www.youtube.com/c/LegallyCluelessYoutube
- Submit your story: forms.gle/kMn7Wae5N563JFGQ8
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
My name is adel On Younger and welcome to another
episode of legally Clueless. No, seriously, i have no clue
what I'm doing, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the
only one. Hey, you welcome to this episode of legally Clueless.
This is what's coming up.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
I was not that young, maybe I was like twelve,
four or fourteen when my dad told me that, like
I'm not like that pretty, Like I'm just ugly in
that tack and it's stuck and it's just stuck until today,
I can't get it out of me. Someone told me
Zungos Rambai, and I remember what my dad told me
in that just stuck. So that is really making me
feel like I'm so ugly. I even write frame support
(00:41):
being ugly. I feel like myself esteem me so low.
But then you really to know because I'm so lively,
like I'm two people in ant Paso, like my mom
and I we talk like maybe once in a year
or twice in Nario or twice. Okay, I an for
a mother. I yearn like I really do yan for
a mother, like because I really really have like dark
thought that I just want to show them mother those
(01:01):
dayhood you say Okay, I need my mother.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
That is Rachel's story. It's pretty inspiring. It's coming up
a little later in this episode. If you are an
OG member, you know I have nothing but love for you.
And if you're new, be here. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome to
the family. Let me show you around Sindo. Okay, So
every Monday, this particular show goes out, which is a
legally Clueless podcast. On Wednesdays we have the midweek te's.
(01:28):
On Thursdays, we have two shows, two different shows under
for manalists women. So one episode goes out on our YouTube,
one episode goes out on our podcast Platforms. Fridays, we
have a seasonal show called Aska Therapist that's going to
be starting it's next season pretty soon. Another thing you
need to know is that every Wednesday you get a
(01:48):
letter from me to help you on your healing journey.
Sign up, sign up, sign up for our newsletter on
legally cluless Africa dot com so you can get it
every week. And if you are on instain text, you
can find us at legally Clueless Africa. And last but
not least, please make sure you subscribe to our YouTube
so you can plug into our brilliant shows over there
(02:10):
and share them with the people who you know are
gonna benefit from that. Great. Great welcome to the fam. Okay,
I really hope you did great because it's that time
of year where we are tired. You know. I was
going to say many words, but honestly, like, we're tired.
I think for me it's around June July, so it's
like mid year fatigue and then I'm like, oh my god,
(02:31):
we have so much more year left, and then I
normally experience it again towards the end of September October. Yeah,
so I'm trying to pace myself, pace myself, and I
hope that you're doing exactly that. Okay, before we jump
into the story, I need to ask you three questions.
(02:53):
The first one is, Okay, this is pretty deep, so
sit down for this one. Have you been carrying hot
that your family doesn't even know exists? You know, like,
so there are certain things maybe family members have done
to you or said to you in the past, maybe
when you were a child, that really hurt you, and
(03:14):
you've been carrying that with you and the family or
even that specific family member doesn't even know it exists.
Question number two, have you ever silenced yourself because you're just,
you know, scared of being too much or too different.
I feel like this one is just to me. I'm
about to write in caps yes to that question. And
(03:37):
the third question is what would it feel like to
finally speak your truth in a space that holds you
with kindness? That last question almost makes me emotional, like
I can feel, you know, the warmth of tears coming
up my throat, because honestly, that's what therapy gave me
(04:01):
at a time when I just didn't have that. If
you've been listening to the podcast for a long time,
you know that I've been seeing a therapist for years,
and then a couple of years ago, I met my
now therapist, who's not the therapist I started off with.
My now therapist is called Faith. And it was at
a time where there was just like so much confusion
(04:22):
and noise and pain and shame around me that and
I was dealing with dark thoughts because of all the
pressure and dealing with like a crisis of self, not
knowing who I am. And then like so many traumas
that I hadn't really dealt with came up to the
(04:44):
surface all at once, and I was also adulting. Hey, Hey,
I don't even know how I survived that season, but
I always remember my therapy sessions used to be Thursdays.
I always remember feeling like this was the only space
(05:04):
where I felt seen when I would go in to
see Faith. And I think part of me with what
we do here in terms of group therapy and our
wellness talks, part of me wants that for you because
that was so transformative for me. And so I'm so
happy to share my therapist Faith with you this month.
(05:28):
She is a guest speaker at our wellness talk, right,
and this month it's all about reimagining our relationships with
family and with close friends. Right, So we're gonna be unpacking,
setting boundaries with family without guilt, reclaiming your identity after
(05:48):
being misunderstood, you know, healing when there are no apologies,
because that one is something right. And also there there
some patterns we adopted maybe for survival in our childhood,
that we're confronting in adulthood, and so like, how do
(06:09):
we unlearn those patterns and still interact with our family.
You know, it's a very heavy topic. I feel like
as Africans, we don't really go there. We don't really
talk about it, even though this is one of those
things and spaces that has intense impact on your wellness,
(06:32):
your okayness in your mind, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and obviously physically,
because we know all of those are connected. And so
if you want to join us on this journey, please
come for the wellness talk. Tickets are a thousand shillings
and it's virtual, so we're trying to make it such
that every single member of this family can attend. It's
(06:57):
on the thirtieth of August. For those of you who
have met my therapist, you're going to be meeting my
therapist Faith at that wellness talk and it's from ten
am East African time till about one. You can grab
your tickets right now, just click the link in the
show notes, and don't forget to share this with all
the people who you know would benefit from this conversation
(07:21):
and having an accredited counseling psychologist walk us through this
boundary work, especially with family. Like that's just one chapter
of what we're going to talk about, but that part
I think was pretty transformative on my wellness journey and
so much more. Right so, I really hope to see
you there. I'm definitely going to be there, so yeah,
(07:41):
check the show notes for a link to the tickets
and obviously more details. Let's get into one hundred African
stories now. This week's story will actually connect with a
lot of the themes that we're going to be talking
about on our wellness talk right or at our wellness talk.
You're going to meet Rachel. Her life has been shaped
(08:02):
at its core by albinism. So she's gonna take us
from feeling seen and safe in a special school to
like high school which was like completely different, and just
navigating her own relationship with her family. A hundred African
stories are legally clueless stories from Africa.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
My name is Rachel Lubanga. I was born in Cacamedia, Kenya,
in but Terre, a place called Mandi and they ate
born in a family of eight. And I have albinism.
So what is albinism. Lganism is a genetic condition. It
comes from your parents. It's just that like the lack
of melani, No, you don't have melanine. Melanin is the pigmentation,
(08:48):
so that makes my skin does not have that pimentation.
My skin is white, so I'm not black and that
is what albinism is, and it affects your skin. Your
skin becomes white to also affect your eyes because not
melanin like your eyes are not so city to light.
And also I'm short sighted due to Albanism, but Lbanism
and not that short sighted as I am being an
eighth born. When I was born, it didn't come as
(09:10):
a surprise because my mother had another Satin with Albanism,
but he died and known as being born, he had
already died, so I wasn't that of a surprise. There
were no crazy reactions, no nothing to just shift. And
then I went to primary school and actually I went
for a school for persons with visually impaired who are
visually impaired because Albanism affects your eyes, so were actually
(09:34):
categorized under persons with visual impairment. So the school I
went to was for persons of visual impairment, and there
were other kids Albanism, other kids who have site issues.
So there was no feeling like you're different. Just life
felt normal because I looked like most of the kids,
like the teachers had also been trained to like teachers,
(09:54):
because when you have site issues, it's different when the
teachers are writing on the blackboard, they have to like
write baker and also most of the times like they're
not a dictated And that brings me to the issue
of like parents with the parents with people with disability,
to parents children disability don't want to take their kids
to special schools. I can say it's worth it because
the teachers there are trained to handle such kids. You
(10:15):
don't have to feel like you're training. I actually didn't
know that I have cite issues because I didn't even
have classes. I didn't need them. And then that was
my primary school education wise, but academic wwise. I had
challenges because I have this bold personality, like people call
it care area, so I'm the career area. And then
(10:35):
most teachers didn't like that about me, and people didn't
like girls who were bold, So teachers used to point
out at me for not doing anything, and that really
made me feel like I was working on egos or something.
But I didn't realize that. I didn't realize that that
would come to affect me until I become I became older.
And also going to our primary school. The primary school
(10:56):
was a boarding school because it was far from home,
and you find that actually in Kenya, we have like
a few schools who cutters for pers of the disabilities
or the there are called special schools. Yeah, there are few,
so we have to go away from home to find
a school. Like so it was a boarding school, and
when I did for that, I went to body school.
Like we were rich and we're not reached. It was
just that it was a school that could cut up
(11:18):
for me. But when I went to boarding school, it
was far from home and my family was not is
not well off. So most of the time I used
to win schools closed. I used to remain in school.
I would not come home like I just went there,
and I felt like I was forgotten there until like
I went to it was a Catholic school called sent Order.
(11:38):
It's in Siaia, and the sisters there had to like
find me a foster home. And in that first home
it was mostly there. It was like a rich family,
so most people who were there were older. So I
didn't like interact with kids a lot. But on those
like one in one in a field, one in a year,
Okaci that I was going home, I just I didn't
(11:58):
feel like I didn't know, like even if someone like
abused me, because I didn't feel different. I have not
yet discovered that I'm different. So challenges that I went through,
I come to remember them now and I see that,
oh that was done because of this, so that you'll
come in later. Primary was that easy. It was a
special school, no judgment, no nothing, It was a free path.
(12:20):
The only problem I had was my personality because I
was bored. And then I came to high school, and
high school I didn't go to our special school. I
went to a regular school. And it is because like
it was a scholarship. I want a scholarship, so I
went to a regular school. So the school we were
(12:40):
actually how many were part of that busing were like five,
but they when I was joined in form one, we
were like two of us in our whole cohort. And
that is when I started feeling different because I joined
school and then the stairs like everyone was staring. You know,
in primary, no one stares at you because there are
other kids like hat like people. So we took almost
have the population in primary school, but in high school
(13:03):
we like, I don't know, at tenth a twentieth, I
don't know. I can't estimate estimate. So that is when
I started feeling different. But people are staring at me
a lot, and they like wanted to touch me a lot,
like they want to see how different I am. And
you know, the good thing in the high school is
that you doing like the first two weeks, you don't
go to class, it's just orientation and getting to know
(13:24):
each other. So that is when I started feeling a difference.
And then you go to the classrooms and then you
realize that the teachers are not trained like your primary
school teachers. They're not trained to handle like people with
special needs like me. So they could write on the
board and I couldn't see. And this brought me a
lot of problems because when I could say that I
didn't see again, people don't like in that era, didn't
(13:47):
like like bold girls like me. So when I could
stand up and I can't see the black bodder, or
I could go to my class station and tell him,
oh I can't see my black board, it's really people
really thought that I just wanted special attention or I
was just an attention seeker. So that really dragged me down.
I went from being that bold girl to now. That
is when I can say like things changed changed. I
(14:10):
started like feeling like my personality was an issue. I
started being an introvert, I started changing things, just started
feeling different because I was even summoned to some discplinary
committee for teaching the teachers how to teach, you know,
the probably with my high school, you know, and it's
a scholarship. You yeah, you like keep things slow. You
(14:30):
don't want to. So the other students who had Albanism
kept on saying that they can see. But when you
observe them when they were reading their books, you could
see that they put their books closer. But they're fercided
that they can see because they don't get to get
in trouble. But I was that bold girl who went
and actually in first of all some policies there which
have enabled people for other school now to like have
(14:52):
it better or easier than I had it here. So
that was how high school started. That is how I
started feeling different, And that is when I started having
like mental health issues called I became so self castious.
No I knew I was different. I became like I
was alerted, you know what, you're different. We actually I
remember I was doing it for for you know, in
(15:12):
high schools, high schools that are not regular schools. The
sillabus was actually modified during the AID for four era,
so that because I can't see, there's some sciences like
let me say physics that you see that I remember
in a certain lab session the physics teacher said, you're
not going for lunch until you read that when a
calibas and I couldn't read it, and I missed lunch
(15:35):
because I could because the caliberations are so I couldn't
see anything, and I mostly relied on my classmates, like
can you read for me? The boat? And you know,
sometimes you feel like you're disturbing someone. So again, if
you are a parent with someone's ability, just led them
to a special school. So in that disciplinary committee, actually
before that, before we reach to thespinary committee, someone we
(15:58):
had an anonymous system in our school where like you
go say some issues. So someone said something about me
that I did and I knew I didn't do it,
and I really argue that I didn't do that thing. Okay,
So when you reach to this display community for that action,
it turned that action was never mentioned because I had
tried to defend myself, which was never mensured.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
So what was.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Mentioned was that I'm trying to seek attention in that school.
And the where that came from is your primary school
had a black board, but our high school had a
white board, and you see the white body. You get
to use different markup pens, different colors. So sometimes the
teacher could use green and excuse me, excuse me, miss
I can't really see the green pen, so they have
(16:41):
to go back get a black pen to comm and
so maybe that felt like anoisance. And also like they
you see on white Boss people teachers like can project
what they maybe the project they can project that's green
and you see what they're presenting. And I was in
a school where they really liked natural life, so the
windows could be left open, and the windows are left open,
(17:03):
you can't see anything on the white board. Like for me,
I couldn't see anything. And also the things that they
were sharing on screen, if they were in smaller fonts,
I could just like, can you please increase the font?
And I've learned that increasing. I came to learn this
later that when someone increases the font of their presentation,
it doesn't look as naitchous it had looked with that
(17:24):
previous thought that they had said it. So just speaking
up for me and saying that it was what was
mentioned in that listinary committee that I want special attention,
I want to teach teachers how to kid and actually
got a suspension. After that, I got a suspecsion. And
that is actually I think that my mental health turned on.
(17:44):
I joed in for one and that it started feeling different.
But that is when things went so bad. Like I
was really affected because again, let me take it back
to my primary school. When you grow up and you're
far from your parents, there's no connection. You don't build
a connection with your parents because I went to primary
when I was like four years old. So I like,
(18:05):
I don't know my mother. She doesn't know me. Yes,
I know her name is Selina. I know my dad's
name is Jackson. But that's on a deeper level. They
don't know me. I don't know them. And the only
thing they knew that I've had a soft life because
I went to body school and then I went to
Body school, I got a scholarship and I'm in campus.
That's the only thing they know about me, but a
deeper level. So when she was called to defend me
that it is my committee, she did it. She didn't
(18:27):
defend me, and that is when I started feeling like, oh,
so what's doing me into this family? And that is
when I started to feeling like, okay, maybe I should
just die. That is when I just like I started doing.
I started thinking a lot, a lot, a lot. But
then that time that I was in suspension, I watched
a lot of movies like five Feet Apart, I watched
the saddest movies like that Teen Reasons Why. But then
(18:48):
I came to learn about mental health and I developed
an interest in psychologist. In my free time, I studied psychology.
So my high school went like that. So I was
saying in high school in another regular schools, they usually
like have a modified sillabus. So when I was doing
it for five as, I guess said to my high
school that I can if I can go to a
(19:09):
special school. But then that didn't happen. They changed the
curriculum and they didn't teach it for four They changed
to IB. So that is when we did IB and
now I'm in campus. Okay. In my first years of
high school, I was really active. But what was I doing.
I was doing like different clubs. I was even a scout.
But then I'm a rude to this camp and someone
(19:31):
came out of nowhere and was like, hey, can I
take your picture? And I said no, And the people
who I had went you to that camp told me
that I was rude. So that is when like that
is like, I'm rude because you can't tell that person no,
but not them, they don't think the way I do.
So after such things happening, I started with drawing from clubs,
and also after that suspecion and everything, I started with
(19:53):
drawing from people. So I didn't participate in those fun
keys and everything. I became. I started reading book and
I read. I read mostly like the undiest books that
those were my type. I just withdraw from people and
I didn't participate in that much. But when people came
to school, it would just tear. Someone would want to
touch you, and I really felt that very annoying. I
(20:15):
don't like being stared at for that long. But most
for do actually life out here for stare at you,
like hey, okay, But there were a lot of this
we participated, just that I drew escually after that anonymous
message that was sent to the school. I just withdrew
from people because I couldn't trust anyone. They didn't say
who that person was. They protected the person until now
(20:36):
though I have romans of who that person is. I
wanted revenge, but they were I say things, life is
revenging when I already so I'm not doing anything to her.
When I joyed in high school and realized that I
am of a minority, I started. I started becoming an activist.
Somehow I spoke for women. I ever called myself a feminist.
(20:56):
I spoke for ascoders of disability. I even got us
as dident counsel position to represent the students with special
and it's I really infuenced policies like sanscreen, and I
suppose that the elginism I don't have learning the sun
that will burn you, You'll have sun, but so we
need sanscreen. And I really put that forward, that we
need sunscreen and everything. So that person wrote to the
(21:17):
school counselor that I had called them a prostitute. And
I'm being a feminist. How would I call you a prostitute? How?
Because I knew I will never call of all the
things I could call someone, especially I don't like like
abusing women. I used to be a very toxic feminist,
where I supported like women's rights, and women's wrongs. I
could never Hey do you know you're a prostitute? That
(21:41):
does not even make sense. So when I really try
to defend myself out of that though I don't know
how to defend myself. I just if I see, you're
not like understanding that I'm not lying. I can't go
further than that. So it was brought to the discplinary committee.
That wasn't said what will say? What will say? Those
special aation notation skare you and special that tells you
how to teach teachers. But you know, also like in
(22:03):
my family, they don't really understand that I I have
site issues like you're seeing, especially if I sport something.
Let's say you're sitting somewhere, then I maybe I sport
some bad person like you see, So usually pretend that
you're not seeing or you can't see, but how did
you see that person? So they don't really get it
that I have like site issues. So after high school,
(22:26):
I came to campus, and high school taught me I
reduced on being a feminist. I just went down. I
just went law or being an advocate for persons with albinism.
So I just went to law and in campus, if
I couldn't see. I didn't like tell the teacher the
good thing campus is you have your phone, so you
just take a picture and you see it for yourself.
(22:46):
You follow along with her with my with my camera.
So I don't really get to tether. Oh, excuse me,
I can't see. Excuse me. I don't really get to
say that because it landed me inable and I'm not
ready to go for a university disciinary committee again. I'm
not doing that again. So in campus, I just survived
from my negraduate. I look for school that are the
stars that their personal disabilities and they're more integrated. Okay.
(23:10):
In high school, there's this teacher, my math's teacher, but
she came in later or before that, there was this
teacher who used to like get interested in matters to
do with people with disability. And that is the teacher
that helped me to event. Oh I forgot to mention.
In high school, I one day like held a meeting
with the teachers and I like did a presentation and
(23:32):
a minisum what it is and why we can't see.
I also did the writer an article in a magazine,
and those two events were I got there through some
teacher there's some teachers who knew that, yeah, this is
a real thing. She can't see. There's some teachers who
didn't see Mayor as someone who's seeking special attention. They
just saw me as someone who's trying to be treated equally,
or who wants to have the same chance at life
(23:52):
the way the other students are having the same chance.
And after my suspension, my math's teacher really came through.
Her name is Ruth or Happy. She came through, and
she really held my hand even after this as special
because if she didn't held my hand, I would have
like gone gone down down that because I used to
just sleep in class. I couldn't read because I didn't
(24:13):
want people. And in class you have people, so I
could just sleep. And then that night when people were sleeping,
so I could just a cup and read. So I
switched like my during daytime I could just sleep, and
then that night I could just read like in solitude.
But she really talked to me. We talked a lot,
and any time I felt like I need to talk
about something, she really talked to me. But also another
(24:34):
hour in high school, I described high school lass. There's
this Billy Eyelish new album called Hit me hard and soft.
That is how I described my high school like it
hits your hard, but then I'm softly away that you like.
So I had a mentor from Anicee bulk anymous Grace.
She also had albinism and weed to talk about these
eye challenges. That was she was a mentor. We are
(24:54):
still in touch, but with my math's teacher. She relocated
to Netherlands area or not that that as we used
to be. Okay, So my home is is in Cacamega
and I studied in Taker. Please don't look up my
high school. I don't, okay. I Sataker, So that was
I didn't used to go home because the high school
holidays are like two weeks one week. So I studied
with my sister and that she was the first family
(25:16):
member that I became close to. Actually know that I
study psychology because I see myself being affected by that
because there are some days that I just need to
talk to my mother. But then it's like I don't
have a mother to talk to. I just I just
can't call my mother and tell her I'm going through
this or something's happening to me. I can't. I find
it hard. And also now that I have an interest
(25:37):
in psychology. I like to study psychology a lot, and
I read I discovered about the mother wounds and the
father wounds. I've read more of about the father was
that the mother wounds, and I've read that the father
wounds actually like impact how you see yourself, like your
self esteem, and that I realized it when after the
high school dramas, my self esteem went so low. And
(25:58):
actually remember the things I remember from from my childhood
are very crazy things. I was not that young, not
very like four five, maybe I was like twelve, four
or fourteen when my dad told me that like I'm
not like that pretty, like I'm just ugly in that
tack and it's tark and it's just stuck until today,
I can't get it out of me. And you see
(26:21):
outside here when you're just walking, people make comments like
you're just working, minding your business, and someone just makes
her comments and about you that you just wonder. There's
this time when I had just joined campus, was in
first year and someone told me muzungus Rambaya and I
remember what my dad told me, and that just tack.
So that is really making me feel like I'm so
(26:44):
ugly I even write fram support being ugly, like I write,
but I don't post them and you just read them.
With my daddy, I feel like myself esteem me so low.
But then you really to know because I'm so lively,
like I'm two people, you know, I'm personal. I'm so
lively that this had of me. During the day, I'm
so live, I'm so loud, I'm so noisy and everything.
But then at night I just wander. So what does
(27:05):
that for? Like I don't want to, I don't have
sometimes I don't have the energy, but I just have
to show up that so for I just make weird
comments about you, and it throws you back to how
your dad. My dad tells me. Now I can't talk
to my mother about it. I can't talk to you.
With my sisters, myssters don't really know so much about
mental health. Yeah they do, so even if I talk
to them, like oh, they wanted like take it as
(27:27):
a big thing. But that really has impacted me, like
really badly. Actually, I yes, I know. I have said
that if you have our special kids, chake them to
our special skids special school. But I don't support like
parents taking their kids to boarding schools because then the
distance between you and the kid grows, and the kid
just suffers like through life alone. And then you find
out that your deal, your kid has just done something
(27:48):
and you wonder what they didn't see, But you don't
have that relationship amongst you. So we are so far.
Like my mom and I we talk like maybe once
in a year or twice in a year or twice.
It's couptable. And my dad and I never talk at all,
like on the phone. But it's because he doesn't have
a phone. You know, he was born like earlier, he doesn't.
He's not really intertain in fun. But even that when
you call my mother and those ones in the year
(28:10):
time and he just can't ask for his dad, Can
I talk to him? Okay? I yearned for a mother.
I yearned, like I really do yeng for a mother.
Like sometimes I like, could I be adapted to maybe
someone that they would care to listen because I usually
really have like dark that thought that I just want
to share with the mother those days you say, okay,
I need my mother. I yearned for my mother for
(28:31):
a mother. But my mother the relationship you know, she
had that churlse we had a chance to mend or
relationship during coronavirus because the lockdown for minkamda. And that
was the longest time I've ever stayed at home ever
since I was four years, because I stayed at all
for like nine months. Yeah, it was nine months. And
that was the time when she we had the churlse
to mend a relationship. But that is the time that
(28:55):
a relationship got even worse because the scholarship like used
to fund us due to that time, and I could
she didn't like used to Did you use that money
to purchase some basic items for me, some things like
maybe some sanitary towels. She didn't use that money to
chuse it for me, And then I asked if they
were sending her the money. She said no, and I
had to keep on telling the school, no, she'll not
(29:16):
received the money, and she actually did receive the money.
So I came out to the school as someone who
is a liar. And I even had to contact the
firster home that I used to be sent to when
I was in primary school and explain my situation and
the man just sent me some fair and I ran
away from home like at five a m. And went
and stayed with him. So the nine months, I didn't
spend at home. Okay, that first at home. I don't
(29:37):
really understand the structure of that family because when the
sisters took me to that first home, the only person
they contacted was the man of the house. And the
man of the house he said he has a wife
with in UK, but I've never really seen his wife.
And when I was there, I was not interacting with kids.
I just interacted with like house helps. But it gave
me a place to stay. I felt like, like when
(29:59):
the school closed, I felt like, okay, I have also
gone home instead of just staying in school. So I
didn't like introduct to the kids there. I was interrupted
with like older people. And that was where I was saying.
I spent my time reading these nursery rhymes and just
I was just there. I was taught how to ride
a bicycle by the some of the shamba boys that
used to be there taught me how to ride a
(30:20):
bicycle there. And some of my memories I have there,
but some I don't I don't remember. But like there
was no mother figure because the mother figure that was
there I was the house managers. And you know the
house managers, they don't really they have work to do,
they go to do work, they come back in the evening,
they're tired, no stories, no anything, You just sleep and
(30:40):
that was the routine. So I've never really had like
this mother figure I'm looking at too. Yeah, So I
actually usually make some jokes that I actually raised myself
because then when I have something that I need to
talk to my mother for advice, I just go on
TikTok and someone who's going through same experience, just like
what is happening like the other day. I usually feel
(31:01):
like I'm just guilty for no reason, like I'm just guilty,
and then I go to TikTok and find the tictother series.
Can someone please explain why I'm chronically guilty and just
sharing not? Yeah, I just feel like people think I'm
laying even if I'm not. And simple, so it's so silly.
But I don't want to self diagnize myself, and I'm
scared of those having to have those news on me.
(31:21):
I'm not for BIC, I'm not mental health for BIC,
but I just don't to diagnize myself with mental health illnesses.
I can't afford therapy for now, and I think maybe
I try, but I journal. I wrote a lot, I
general a lot, and I listened to a lot of music,
and I listened to podcasts. But I start because it
became an obstation. I actually got obsessed with podcasts. But
(31:44):
I still listen to music. I still write, I still
write poems, but I don't pose them anywhere. Okay, in
high school, the five of us used together and share
our issues. But after that, like people went separate toast.
We are in different universities. We don't gather. For now,
we don't. I don't know if you've ever gathered. You know,
we have like older people who people who are older,
(32:04):
like who are for like when I informer, they went
home to Form three, so they're there. They're the ones
to lead us to if you're ever going to reunite
and talk about such issues. But for now, there's not
really a community that I am part of. I don't
know if there are any out there. Maybe they are,
but none that I am part of. There are some
mates that have had for telling me, or maybe you
(32:26):
pass somewhere and someone just makes those comments. Again, Kenyans
leave us to just walk alone on the road, like
you're just walking in your business. You pass through someone
they just say you know this, if you don't die,
they just disappear. Or you know, when you marry someone
like this will become like automatically rich. Or do you
know that when you sleep with someone delbinism like you
if you have a gets killed. And those are the
(32:47):
miss that I've heard make comments about and they care
me like this can relationships because you don't know if
there's someone wants you or they maybe they have each
IV that they want they believe they are going to cure.
Maybe they think that's having you will make themorriage because
they're not true, like they're not fractual. So the problem
with me is I don't know if something's happened to
(33:08):
me because of my childhood dramas and traumas, or because
I have organism the relationships have had. I actually have
not tied in relationships until like this yer and the
zier look okay, like someone like you don't know you,
you really you like someone, Everything is going okay, and
then you remember the meats like wait wait if someone
(33:30):
this person is here to use me in one way
or another, and then you start withdrew. You just with
drew from siche leaderships and the worst thing I did,
and it's a good thing. But the worst thing I
did about the worst thing I did about me, or
the worst thing I did to me was learning detachment,
because then I just block you in detached and just
move away because I don't know what you're here for.
And then you know the problem. I can't read your mind.
(33:52):
I can't know what even if you tell me you
love me, I can't read your mind. I can't know
if you're telling me the truth or you're lying. So
that works for me, But then I've also seen that
the relationships I tend to like find. You know, at
the end of the day, everyone needs love, and you
don't have a family that can love you the way
you feel like you need to love you sometimes end
(34:12):
up like being in those relationships, and also with having
that further wounds, fatherly wounds and then those impacting my
self esteem. I feel like I really like settle for less.
I really like settle for less less less. Yes, I
am with a person. I'm not saying the person I
am with this less. I'm sorry if you get to
hear this, but I feel like I really do settle
for less because I believe that I don't like deserve
(34:34):
more like I don't deserve like a man who will
teach me that I want to be treated, will get
to be flowers, or will take me out. So you
settle for that that you get because sometimes you feel
like maybe that is the only thing you will that
is the closest thing a level find to love, especially
when your dad tells you that you're not pretty, and
also a stranger on the road that you're not pretty,
justtics and it affects that. It affects my relationship because
(34:56):
even if like someone like I, someone wants like me,
but this person is of a higher level, or someone
like actually riches muches my standards, I feel like, hey,
they just yet to use me, Like I don't feel
like I can be loved by someone who is the
standards that I really look for in a man. But
then some days I know, like I don't know. Just
(35:17):
like I said, I'm two people in one person. Some
days I really like, I'm aware I deserve that much
like I deserve that I deserve to be loved in
that way, and I really want to get that person
who is better than you or who will challenge me.
But some days like I just sattle you this lesson,
but I need to work on bat. I want the
(35:37):
care society to understand that we are not Europeans. We
are Africans. Because you find that I go buy something
and they're like musungle, like I get by some zongle,
like so they could they want someone refers to me
as mazongle. I know they're going to overprice me. So
find that I truly that it's being so that a
handed bob you get to be sold for that same
item for three hundred chileaves and they start that you
(35:59):
are rich just because you're white. And also these main
comments let people make like people people. I just want
people to be kind because like actually when that guy
told me that muzungusurambaya, I used to walk like with
my head down. Like I used to just walk with
my head down. But there's some days that I just
get out of that, and then I am out of
(36:19):
that for like a long period, but then other days
it comes back and I'm back too, lowering my head
when I walk, and it makes me like really self
cautious cause then when I'm when I'm somewhere, I observe everything,
like I see everything I see, like how you treat me.
I'll observe that, and I know when to withdraw, Like
I said, like, oh, maybe they're doing this because I
(36:39):
have albenizy, and maybe because I'm not pretty, and that
beings like social rejection, feel like socially rejected, and sometimes
you don't want to show up for events. And actually
the last I was supposed to record this last week,
I didn't come because of that, Like, oh my god,
there's no treat, there's no hike. I was going to.
I just I just say, let me just come with
(37:00):
you never know, I just learn, just come. Another change
I'd like to make is like these people who like
you see I can't see. So I go to Matterato
and I can't see the number that I'm supposed to
pay with the bus fare, and like the conductors don't
want to read it for you because they think you
are pretending. Again takes me back to high school. But
(37:21):
when you ask for help but think like you're just
looking for you're seeking special attention, or you go to
an Embers and the agent number is Ukndani and you
can't say like and somewhere like when you So that
has made me like just I even like this their
numbers are there and you ask you're not seeing. So
thing when not seeing does not necessarily mean that you're blind. Example,
(37:45):
who can see like I can't see you, but I
can't see numbers that are at the back that even
with glasses. Actually albinism cannot the sight of people. So
the elbinism who have site issues cannot be directed by glasses.
Glasses just help you, like be better, but it's not
as perfect a side should be. My last words would be, actually,
I would like to tell parents, if you have a
(38:06):
creed special needs, take them to our school with special needs.
It will save them a lot of mental health struggles. Also,
be kind to people because these comments like you just
make not only for personal albanism or even like for
personal disabilities. I also think that referring to someone by
their disability, if you say I have albinism, that is
(38:28):
not an insult. But going out here calling people I'll
be no, okay waiting and those words are not good.
Let's just keep that for yourself.
Speaker 1 (38:38):
Catch more African stories in the next episode of Legally Cues.
What an absolutely powerful, powerful story, you know. I feel
like there are a few things that Rachel's story left me.
You know, thinking about just listening to her thriving in
primary school and then the absolute opposite happening in high school. Dude,
(39:00):
safe spaces are necessary. It's like it's not a luxury,
they are necessary, Like they can mean the difference between
you thriving and you just surviving. You know, that was
just the first thing. I also felt so intrigued by
her boldness and like speaking up for changes and like
(39:21):
influencing policy change in school at such a young age,
and how it's not something that is celebrated. Doing that
can sometimes punish you, which we saw her go through,
even just like advocating for herself with teachers got the
teachers feeling some type of way, which is just so
heartbreaking honestly, and her final words about just man, just
(39:46):
be kind. Imagine the way we look at and speak
to and treat each other can have the ability to
either like heal someone or make them feel even worse.
I'd love to hear what you connected with, though, so
drop it in the comments wherever you're listening to this
on And thank you so so much for listening to
(40:09):
this episode to the very end. Always remember that I
appreciate you and I know that you have every single
thing it takes to heal. That's it for this episode
of Legally Clueless. You can share this podcast with your friends.
You can keep it for yourself. I'm not judging. Just
make sure you're here next week for the next episode.
My name is adel On Younger and welcome to another
episode of legally Clueless. No, seriously, i have no clue
what I'm doing, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the
only one. Hey, you welcome to this episode of legally Clueless.
This is what's coming up.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
I was not that young, maybe I was like twelve,
four or fourteen when my dad told me that, like
I'm not like that pretty, Like I'm just ugly in
that tack and it's stuck and it's just stuck until today,
I can't get it out of me. Someone told me
Zungos Rambai, and I remember what my dad told me
in that just stuck. So that is really making me
feel like I'm so ugly. I even write frame support
(00:41):
being ugly. I feel like myself esteem me so low.
But then you really to know because I'm so lively,
like I'm two people in ant Paso, like my mom
and I we talk like maybe once in a year
or twice in Nario or twice. Okay, I an for
a mother. I yearn like I really do yan for
a mother, like because I really really have like dark
thought that I just want to show them mother those
(01:01):
dayhood you say Okay, I need my mother.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
That is Rachel's story. It's pretty inspiring. It's coming up
a little later in this episode. If you are an
OG member, you know I have nothing but love for you.
And if you're new, be here. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome to
the family. Let me show you around Sindo. Okay, So
every Monday, this particular show goes out, which is a
legally Clueless podcast. On Wednesdays we have the midweek te's.
(01:28):
On Thursdays, we have two shows, two different shows under
for manalists women. So one episode goes out on our YouTube,
one episode goes out on our podcast Platforms. Fridays, we
have a seasonal show called Aska Therapist that's going to
be starting it's next season pretty soon. Another thing you
need to know is that every Wednesday you get a
(01:48):
letter from me to help you on your healing journey.
Sign up, sign up, sign up for our newsletter on
legally cluless Africa dot com so you can get it
every week. And if you are on instain text, you
can find us at legally Clueless Africa. And last but
not least, please make sure you subscribe to our YouTube
so you can plug into our brilliant shows over there
(02:10):
and share them with the people who you know are
gonna benefit from that. Great. Great welcome to the fam. Okay,
I really hope you did great because it's that time
of year where we are tired. You know. I was
going to say many words, but honestly, like, we're tired.
I think for me it's around June July, so it's
like mid year fatigue and then I'm like, oh my god,
(02:31):
we have so much more year left, and then I
normally experience it again towards the end of September October. Yeah,
so I'm trying to pace myself, pace myself, and I
hope that you're doing exactly that. Okay, before we jump
into the story, I need to ask you three questions.
(02:53):
The first one is, Okay, this is pretty deep, so
sit down for this one. Have you been carrying hot
that your family doesn't even know exists? You know, like,
so there are certain things maybe family members have done
to you or said to you in the past, maybe
when you were a child, that really hurt you, and
(03:14):
you've been carrying that with you and the family or
even that specific family member doesn't even know it exists.
Question number two, have you ever silenced yourself because you're just,
you know, scared of being too much or too different.
I feel like this one is just to me. I'm
about to write in caps yes to that question. And
(03:37):
the third question is what would it feel like to
finally speak your truth in a space that holds you
with kindness? That last question almost makes me emotional, like
I can feel, you know, the warmth of tears coming
up my throat, because honestly, that's what therapy gave me
(04:01):
at a time when I just didn't have that. If
you've been listening to the podcast for a long time,
you know that I've been seeing a therapist for years,
and then a couple of years ago, I met my
now therapist, who's not the therapist I started off with.
My now therapist is called Faith. And it was at
a time where there was just like so much confusion
(04:22):
and noise and pain and shame around me that and
I was dealing with dark thoughts because of all the
pressure and dealing with like a crisis of self, not
knowing who I am. And then like so many traumas
that I hadn't really dealt with came up to the
(04:44):
surface all at once, and I was also adulting. Hey, Hey,
I don't even know how I survived that season, but
I always remember my therapy sessions used to be Thursdays.
I always remember feeling like this was the only space
(05:04):
where I felt seen when I would go in to
see Faith. And I think part of me with what
we do here in terms of group therapy and our
wellness talks, part of me wants that for you because
that was so transformative for me. And so I'm so
happy to share my therapist Faith with you this month.
(05:28):
She is a guest speaker at our wellness talk, right,
and this month it's all about reimagining our relationships with
family and with close friends. Right, So we're gonna be unpacking,
setting boundaries with family without guilt, reclaiming your identity after
(05:48):
being misunderstood, you know, healing when there are no apologies,
because that one is something right. And also there there
some patterns we adopted maybe for survival in our childhood,
that we're confronting in adulthood, and so like, how do
(06:09):
we unlearn those patterns and still interact with our family.
You know, it's a very heavy topic. I feel like
as Africans, we don't really go there. We don't really
talk about it, even though this is one of those
things and spaces that has intense impact on your wellness,
(06:32):
your okayness in your mind, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and obviously physically,
because we know all of those are connected. And so
if you want to join us on this journey, please
come for the wellness talk. Tickets are a thousand shillings
and it's virtual, so we're trying to make it such
that every single member of this family can attend. It's
(06:57):
on the thirtieth of August. For those of you who
have met my therapist, you're going to be meeting my
therapist Faith at that wellness talk and it's from ten
am East African time till about one. You can grab
your tickets right now, just click the link in the
show notes, and don't forget to share this with all
the people who you know would benefit from this conversation
(07:21):
and having an accredited counseling psychologist walk us through this
boundary work, especially with family. Like that's just one chapter
of what we're going to talk about, but that part
I think was pretty transformative on my wellness journey and
so much more. Right so, I really hope to see
you there. I'm definitely going to be there, so yeah,
(07:41):
check the show notes for a link to the tickets
and obviously more details. Let's get into one hundred African
stories now. This week's story will actually connect with a
lot of the themes that we're going to be talking
about on our wellness talk right or at our wellness talk.
You're going to meet Rachel. Her life has been shaped
(08:02):
at its core by albinism. So she's gonna take us
from feeling seen and safe in a special school to
like high school which was like completely different, and just
navigating her own relationship with her family. A hundred African
stories are legally clueless stories from Africa.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
My name is Rachel Lubanga. I was born in Cacamedia, Kenya,
in but Terre, a place called Mandi and they ate
born in a family of eight. And I have albinism.
So what is albinism. Lganism is a genetic condition. It
comes from your parents. It's just that like the lack
of melani, No, you don't have melanine. Melanin is the pigmentation,
(08:48):
so that makes my skin does not have that pimentation.
My skin is white, so I'm not black and that
is what albinism is, and it affects your skin. Your
skin becomes white to also affect your eyes because not
melanin like your eyes are not so city to light.
And also I'm short sighted due to Albanism, but Lbanism
and not that short sighted as I am being an
eighth born. When I was born, it didn't come as
(09:10):
a surprise because my mother had another Satin with Albanism,
but he died and known as being born, he had
already died, so I wasn't that of a surprise. There
were no crazy reactions, no nothing to just shift. And
then I went to primary school and actually I went
for a school for persons with visually impaired who are
visually impaired because Albanism affects your eyes, so were actually
(09:34):
categorized under persons with visual impairment. So the school I
went to was for persons of visual impairment, and there
were other kids Albanism, other kids who have site issues.
So there was no feeling like you're different. Just life
felt normal because I looked like most of the kids,
like the teachers had also been trained to like teachers,
(09:54):
because when you have site issues, it's different when the
teachers are writing on the blackboard, they have to like
write baker and also most of the times like they're
not a dictated And that brings me to the issue
of like parents with the parents with people with disability,
to parents children disability don't want to take their kids
to special schools. I can say it's worth it because
the teachers there are trained to handle such kids. You
(10:15):
don't have to feel like you're training. I actually didn't
know that I have cite issues because I didn't even
have classes. I didn't need them. And then that was
my primary school education wise, but academic wwise. I had
challenges because I have this bold personality, like people call
it care area, so I'm the career area. And then
(10:35):
most teachers didn't like that about me, and people didn't
like girls who were bold, So teachers used to point
out at me for not doing anything, and that really
made me feel like I was working on egos or something.
But I didn't realize that. I didn't realize that that
would come to affect me until I become I became older.
And also going to our primary school. The primary school
(10:56):
was a boarding school because it was far from home,
and you find that actually in Kenya, we have like
a few schools who cutters for pers of the disabilities
or the there are called special schools. Yeah, there are few,
so we have to go away from home to find
a school. Like so it was a boarding school, and
when I did for that, I went to body school.
Like we were rich and we're not reached. It was
just that it was a school that could cut up
(11:18):
for me. But when I went to boarding school, it
was far from home and my family was not is
not well off. So most of the time I used
to win schools closed. I used to remain in school.
I would not come home like I just went there,
and I felt like I was forgotten there until like
I went to it was a Catholic school called sent Order.
(11:38):
It's in Siaia, and the sisters there had to like
find me a foster home. And in that first home
it was mostly there. It was like a rich family,
so most people who were there were older. So I
didn't like interact with kids a lot. But on those
like one in one in a field, one in a year,
Okaci that I was going home, I just I didn't
(11:58):
feel like I didn't know, like even if someone like
abused me, because I didn't feel different. I have not
yet discovered that I'm different. So challenges that I went through,
I come to remember them now and I see that,
oh that was done because of this, so that you'll
come in later. Primary was that easy. It was a
special school, no judgment, no nothing, It was a free path.
(12:20):
The only problem I had was my personality because I
was bored. And then I came to high school, and
high school I didn't go to our special school. I
went to a regular school. And it is because like
it was a scholarship. I want a scholarship, so I
went to a regular school. So the school we were
(12:40):
actually how many were part of that busing were like five,
but they when I was joined in form one, we
were like two of us in our whole cohort. And
that is when I started feeling different because I joined
school and then the stairs like everyone was staring. You know,
in primary, no one stares at you because there are
other kids like hat like people. So we took almost
have the population in primary school, but in high school
(13:03):
we like, I don't know, at tenth a twentieth, I
don't know. I can't estimate estimate. So that is when
I started feeling different. But people are staring at me
a lot, and they like wanted to touch me a lot,
like they want to see how different I am. And
you know, the good thing in the high school is
that you doing like the first two weeks, you don't
go to class, it's just orientation and getting to know
(13:24):
each other. So that is when I started feeling a difference.
And then you go to the classrooms and then you
realize that the teachers are not trained like your primary
school teachers. They're not trained to handle like people with
special needs like me. So they could write on the
board and I couldn't see. And this brought me a
lot of problems because when I could say that I
didn't see again, people don't like in that era, didn't
(13:47):
like like bold girls like me. So when I could
stand up and I can't see the black bodder, or
I could go to my class station and tell him,
oh I can't see my black board, it's really people
really thought that I just wanted special attention or I
was just an attention seeker. So that really dragged me down.
I went from being that bold girl to now. That
is when I can say like things changed changed. I
(14:10):
started like feeling like my personality was an issue. I
started being an introvert, I started changing things, just started
feeling different because I was even summoned to some discplinary
committee for teaching the teachers how to teach, you know,
the probably with my high school, you know, and it's
a scholarship. You yeah, you like keep things slow. You
(14:30):
don't want to. So the other students who had Albanism
kept on saying that they can see. But when you
observe them when they were reading their books, you could
see that they put their books closer. But they're fercided
that they can see because they don't get to get
in trouble. But I was that bold girl who went
and actually in first of all some policies there which
have enabled people for other school now to like have
(14:52):
it better or easier than I had it here. So
that was how high school started. That is how I
started feeling different, And that is when I started having
like mental health issues called I became so self castious.
No I knew I was different. I became like I
was alerted, you know what, you're different. We actually I
remember I was doing it for for you know, in
(15:12):
high schools, high schools that are not regular schools. The
sillabus was actually modified during the AID for four era,
so that because I can't see, there's some sciences like
let me say physics that you see that I remember
in a certain lab session the physics teacher said, you're
not going for lunch until you read that when a
calibas and I couldn't read it, and I missed lunch
(15:35):
because I could because the caliberations are so I couldn't
see anything, and I mostly relied on my classmates, like
can you read for me? The boat? And you know,
sometimes you feel like you're disturbing someone. So again, if
you are a parent with someone's ability, just led them
to a special school. So in that disciplinary committee, actually
before that, before we reach to thespinary committee, someone we
(15:58):
had an anonymous system in our school where like you
go say some issues. So someone said something about me
that I did and I knew I didn't do it,
and I really argue that I didn't do that thing. Okay,
So when you reach to this display community for that action,
it turned that action was never mentioned because I had
tried to defend myself, which was never mensured.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
So what was.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Mentioned was that I'm trying to seek attention in that school.
And the where that came from is your primary school
had a black board, but our high school had a
white board, and you see the white body. You get
to use different markup pens, different colors. So sometimes the
teacher could use green and excuse me, excuse me, miss
I can't really see the green pen, so they have
(16:41):
to go back get a black pen to comm and
so maybe that felt like anoisance. And also like they
you see on white Boss people teachers like can project
what they maybe the project they can project that's green
and you see what they're presenting. And I was in
a school where they really liked natural life, so the
windows could be left open, and the windows are left open,
(17:03):
you can't see anything on the white board. Like for me,
I couldn't see anything. And also the things that they
were sharing on screen, if they were in smaller fonts,
I could just like, can you please increase the font?
And I've learned that increasing. I came to learn this
later that when someone increases the font of their presentation,
it doesn't look as naitchous it had looked with that
(17:24):
previous thought that they had said it. So just speaking
up for me and saying that it was what was
mentioned in that listinary committee that I want special attention,
I want to teach teachers how to kid and actually
got a suspension. After that, I got a suspecsion. And
that is actually I think that my mental health turned on.
(17:44):
I joed in for one and that it started feeling different.
But that is when things went so bad. Like I
was really affected because again, let me take it back
to my primary school. When you grow up and you're
far from your parents, there's no connection. You don't build
a connection with your parents because I went to primary
when I was like four years old. So I like,
(18:05):
I don't know my mother. She doesn't know me. Yes,
I know her name is Selina. I know my dad's
name is Jackson. But that's on a deeper level. They
don't know me. I don't know them. And the only
thing they knew that I've had a soft life because
I went to body school and then I went to
Body school, I got a scholarship and I'm in campus.
That's the only thing they know about me, but a
deeper level. So when she was called to defend me
that it is my committee, she did it. She didn't
(18:27):
defend me, and that is when I started feeling like, oh,
so what's doing me into this family? And that is
when I started to feeling like, okay, maybe I should
just die. That is when I just like I started doing.
I started thinking a lot, a lot, a lot. But
then that time that I was in suspension, I watched
a lot of movies like five Feet Apart, I watched
the saddest movies like that Teen Reasons Why. But then
(18:48):
I came to learn about mental health and I developed
an interest in psychologist. In my free time, I studied psychology.
So my high school went like that. So I was
saying in high school in another regular schools, they usually
like have a modified sillabus. So when I was doing
it for five as, I guess said to my high
school that I can if I can go to a
(19:09):
special school. But then that didn't happen. They changed the
curriculum and they didn't teach it for four They changed
to IB. So that is when we did IB and
now I'm in campus. Okay. In my first years of
high school, I was really active. But what was I doing.
I was doing like different clubs. I was even a scout.
But then I'm a rude to this camp and someone
(19:31):
came out of nowhere and was like, hey, can I
take your picture? And I said no, And the people
who I had went you to that camp told me
that I was rude. So that is when like that
is like, I'm rude because you can't tell that person no,
but not them, they don't think the way I do.
So after such things happening, I started with drawing from clubs,
and also after that suspecion and everything, I started with
(19:53):
drawing from people. So I didn't participate in those fun
keys and everything. I became. I started reading book and
I read. I read mostly like the undiest books that
those were my type. I just withdraw from people and
I didn't participate in that much. But when people came
to school, it would just tear. Someone would want to
touch you, and I really felt that very annoying. I
(20:15):
don't like being stared at for that long. But most
for do actually life out here for stare at you,
like hey, okay, But there were a lot of this
we participated, just that I drew escually after that anonymous
message that was sent to the school. I just withdrew
from people because I couldn't trust anyone. They didn't say
who that person was. They protected the person until now
(20:36):
though I have romans of who that person is. I
wanted revenge, but they were I say things, life is
revenging when I already so I'm not doing anything to her.
When I joyed in high school and realized that I
am of a minority, I started. I started becoming an activist.
Somehow I spoke for women. I ever called myself a feminist.
(20:56):
I spoke for ascoders of disability. I even got us
as dident counsel position to represent the students with special
and it's I really infuenced policies like sanscreen, and I
suppose that the elginism I don't have learning the sun
that will burn you, You'll have sun, but so we
need sanscreen. And I really put that forward, that we
need sunscreen and everything. So that person wrote to the
(21:17):
school counselor that I had called them a prostitute. And
I'm being a feminist. How would I call you a prostitute? How?
Because I knew I will never call of all the
things I could call someone, especially I don't like like
abusing women. I used to be a very toxic feminist,
where I supported like women's rights, and women's wrongs. I
could never Hey do you know you're a prostitute? That
(21:41):
does not even make sense. So when I really try
to defend myself out of that though I don't know
how to defend myself. I just if I see, you're
not like understanding that I'm not lying. I can't go
further than that. So it was brought to the discplinary committee.
That wasn't said what will say? What will say? Those
special aation notation skare you and special that tells you
how to teach teachers. But you know, also like in
(22:03):
my family, they don't really understand that I I have
site issues like you're seeing, especially if I sport something.
Let's say you're sitting somewhere, then I maybe I sport
some bad person like you see, So usually pretend that
you're not seeing or you can't see, but how did
you see that person? So they don't really get it
that I have like site issues. So after high school,
(22:26):
I came to campus, and high school taught me I
reduced on being a feminist. I just went down. I
just went law or being an advocate for persons with albinism.
So I just went to law and in campus, if
I couldn't see. I didn't like tell the teacher the
good thing campus is you have your phone, so you
just take a picture and you see it for yourself.
(22:46):
You follow along with her with my with my camera.
So I don't really get to tether. Oh, excuse me,
I can't see. Excuse me. I don't really get to
say that because it landed me inable and I'm not
ready to go for a university disciinary committee again. I'm
not doing that again. So in campus, I just survived
from my negraduate. I look for school that are the
stars that their personal disabilities and they're more integrated. Okay.
(23:10):
In high school, there's this teacher, my math's teacher, but
she came in later or before that, there was this
teacher who used to like get interested in matters to
do with people with disability. And that is the teacher
that helped me to event. Oh I forgot to mention.
In high school, I one day like held a meeting
with the teachers and I like did a presentation and
(23:32):
a minisum what it is and why we can't see.
I also did the writer an article in a magazine,
and those two events were I got there through some
teacher there's some teachers who knew that, yeah, this is
a real thing. She can't see. There's some teachers who
didn't see Mayor as someone who's seeking special attention. They
just saw me as someone who's trying to be treated equally,
or who wants to have the same chance at life
(23:52):
the way the other students are having the same chance.
And after my suspension, my math's teacher really came through.
Her name is Ruth or Happy. She came through, and
she really held my hand even after this as special
because if she didn't held my hand, I would have
like gone gone down down that because I used to
just sleep in class. I couldn't read because I didn't
(24:13):
want people. And in class you have people, so I
could just sleep. And then that night when people were sleeping,
so I could just a cup and read. So I
switched like my during daytime I could just sleep, and
then that night I could just read like in solitude.
But she really talked to me. We talked a lot,
and any time I felt like I need to talk
about something, she really talked to me. But also another
(24:34):
hour in high school, I described high school lass. There's
this Billy Eyelish new album called Hit me hard and soft.
That is how I described my high school like it
hits your hard, but then I'm softly away that you like.
So I had a mentor from Anicee bulk anymous Grace.
She also had albinism and weed to talk about these
eye challenges. That was she was a mentor. We are
(24:54):
still in touch, but with my math's teacher. She relocated
to Netherlands area or not that that as we used
to be. Okay, So my home is is in Cacamega
and I studied in Taker. Please don't look up my
high school. I don't, okay. I Sataker, So that was
I didn't used to go home because the high school
holidays are like two weeks one week. So I studied
with my sister and that she was the first family
(25:16):
member that I became close to. Actually know that I
study psychology because I see myself being affected by that
because there are some days that I just need to
talk to my mother. But then it's like I don't
have a mother to talk to. I just I just
can't call my mother and tell her I'm going through
this or something's happening to me. I can't. I find
it hard. And also now that I have an interest
(25:37):
in psychology. I like to study psychology a lot, and
I read I discovered about the mother wounds and the
father wounds. I've read more of about the father was
that the mother wounds, and I've read that the father
wounds actually like impact how you see yourself, like your
self esteem, and that I realized it when after the
high school dramas, my self esteem went so low. And
(25:58):
actually remember the things I remember from from my childhood
are very crazy things. I was not that young, not
very like four five, maybe I was like twelve, four
or fourteen when my dad told me that like I'm
not like that pretty, like I'm just ugly in that
tack and it's tark and it's just stuck until today,
I can't get it out of me. And you see
(26:21):
outside here when you're just walking, people make comments like
you're just working, minding your business, and someone just makes
her comments and about you that you just wonder. There's
this time when I had just joined campus, was in
first year and someone told me muzungus Rambaya and I
remember what my dad told me, and that just tack.
So that is really making me feel like I'm so
(26:44):
ugly I even write fram support being ugly, like I write,
but I don't post them and you just read them.
With my daddy, I feel like myself esteem me so low.
But then you really to know because I'm so lively,
like I'm two people, you know, I'm personal. I'm so
lively that this had of me. During the day, I'm
so live, I'm so loud, I'm so noisy and everything.
But then at night I just wander. So what does
(27:05):
that for? Like I don't want to, I don't have
sometimes I don't have the energy, but I just have
to show up that so for I just make weird
comments about you, and it throws you back to how
your dad. My dad tells me. Now I can't talk
to my mother about it. I can't talk to you.
With my sisters, myssters don't really know so much about
mental health. Yeah they do, so even if I talk
to them, like oh, they wanted like take it as
(27:27):
a big thing. But that really has impacted me, like
really badly. Actually, I yes, I know. I have said
that if you have our special kids, chake them to
our special skids special school. But I don't support like
parents taking their kids to boarding schools because then the
distance between you and the kid grows, and the kid
just suffers like through life alone. And then you find
out that your deal, your kid has just done something
(27:48):
and you wonder what they didn't see, But you don't
have that relationship amongst you. So we are so far.
Like my mom and I we talk like maybe once
in a year or twice in a year or twice.
It's couptable. And my dad and I never talk at all,
like on the phone. But it's because he doesn't have
a phone. You know, he was born like earlier, he doesn't.
He's not really intertain in fun. But even that when
you call my mother and those ones in the year
(28:10):
time and he just can't ask for his dad, Can
I talk to him? Okay? I yearned for a mother.
I yearned, like I really do yeng for a mother.
Like sometimes I like, could I be adapted to maybe
someone that they would care to listen because I usually
really have like dark that thought that I just want
to share with the mother those days you say, okay,
I need my mother. I yearned for my mother for
(28:31):
a mother. But my mother the relationship you know, she
had that churlse we had a chance to mend or
relationship during coronavirus because the lockdown for minkamda. And that
was the longest time I've ever stayed at home ever
since I was four years, because I stayed at all
for like nine months. Yeah, it was nine months. And
that was the time when she we had the churlse
to mend a relationship. But that is the time that
(28:55):
a relationship got even worse because the scholarship like used
to fund us due to that time, and I could
she didn't like used to Did you use that money
to purchase some basic items for me, some things like
maybe some sanitary towels. She didn't use that money to
chuse it for me, And then I asked if they
were sending her the money. She said no, and I
had to keep on telling the school, no, she'll not
(29:16):
received the money, and she actually did receive the money.
So I came out to the school as someone who
is a liar. And I even had to contact the
firster home that I used to be sent to when
I was in primary school and explain my situation and
the man just sent me some fair and I ran
away from home like at five a m. And went
and stayed with him. So the nine months, I didn't
spend at home. Okay, that first at home. I don't
(29:37):
really understand the structure of that family because when the
sisters took me to that first home, the only person
they contacted was the man of the house. And the
man of the house he said he has a wife
with in UK, but I've never really seen his wife.
And when I was there, I was not interacting with kids.
I just interacted with like house helps. But it gave
me a place to stay. I felt like, like when
(29:59):
the school closed, I felt like, okay, I have also
gone home instead of just staying in school. So I
didn't like introduct to the kids there. I was interrupted
with like older people. And that was where I was saying.
I spent my time reading these nursery rhymes and just
I was just there. I was taught how to ride
a bicycle by the some of the shamba boys that
used to be there taught me how to ride a
(30:20):
bicycle there. And some of my memories I have there,
but some I don't I don't remember. But like there
was no mother figure because the mother figure that was
there I was the house managers. And you know the
house managers, they don't really they have work to do,
they go to do work, they come back in the evening,
they're tired, no stories, no anything, You just sleep and
(30:40):
that was the routine. So I've never really had like
this mother figure I'm looking at too. Yeah, So I
actually usually make some jokes that I actually raised myself
because then when I have something that I need to
talk to my mother for advice, I just go on
TikTok and someone who's going through same experience, just like
what is happening like the other day. I usually feel
(31:01):
like I'm just guilty for no reason, like I'm just guilty,
and then I go to TikTok and find the tictother series.
Can someone please explain why I'm chronically guilty and just
sharing not? Yeah, I just feel like people think I'm
laying even if I'm not. And simple, so it's so silly.
But I don't want to self diagnize myself, and I'm
scared of those having to have those news on me.
(31:21):
I'm not for BIC, I'm not mental health for BIC,
but I just don't to diagnize myself with mental health illnesses.
I can't afford therapy for now, and I think maybe
I try, but I journal. I wrote a lot, I
general a lot, and I listened to a lot of music,
and I listened to podcasts. But I start because it
became an obstation. I actually got obsessed with podcasts. But
(31:44):
I still listen to music. I still write, I still
write poems, but I don't pose them anywhere. Okay, in
high school, the five of us used together and share
our issues. But after that, like people went separate toast.
We are in different universities. We don't gather. For now,
we don't. I don't know if you've ever gathered. You know,
we have like older people who people who are older,
(32:04):
like who are for like when I informer, they went
home to Form three, so they're there. They're the ones
to lead us to if you're ever going to reunite
and talk about such issues. But for now, there's not
really a community that I am part of. I don't
know if there are any out there. Maybe they are,
but none that I am part of. There are some
mates that have had for telling me, or maybe you
(32:26):
pass somewhere and someone just makes those comments. Again, Kenyans
leave us to just walk alone on the road, like
you're just walking in your business. You pass through someone
they just say you know this, if you don't die,
they just disappear. Or you know, when you marry someone
like this will become like automatically rich. Or do you
know that when you sleep with someone delbinism like you
if you have a gets killed. And those are the
(32:47):
miss that I've heard make comments about and they care
me like this can relationships because you don't know if
there's someone wants you or they maybe they have each
IV that they want they believe they are going to cure.
Maybe they think that's having you will make themorriage because
they're not true, like they're not fractual. So the problem
with me is I don't know if something's happened to
(33:08):
me because of my childhood dramas and traumas, or because
I have organism the relationships have had. I actually have
not tied in relationships until like this yer and the
zier look okay, like someone like you don't know you,
you really you like someone, Everything is going okay, and
then you remember the meats like wait wait if someone
(33:30):
this person is here to use me in one way
or another, and then you start withdrew. You just with
drew from siche leaderships and the worst thing I did,
and it's a good thing. But the worst thing I
did about the worst thing I did about me, or
the worst thing I did to me was learning detachment,
because then I just block you in detached and just
move away because I don't know what you're here for.
And then you know the problem. I can't read your mind.
(33:52):
I can't know what even if you tell me you
love me, I can't read your mind. I can't know
if you're telling me the truth or you're lying. So
that works for me, But then I've also seen that
the relationships I tend to like find. You know, at
the end of the day, everyone needs love, and you
don't have a family that can love you the way
you feel like you need to love you sometimes end
(34:12):
up like being in those relationships, and also with having
that further wounds, fatherly wounds and then those impacting my
self esteem. I feel like I really like settle for less.
I really like settle for less less less. Yes, I
am with a person. I'm not saying the person I
am with this less. I'm sorry if you get to
hear this, but I feel like I really do settle
for less because I believe that I don't like deserve
(34:34):
more like I don't deserve like a man who will
teach me that I want to be treated, will get
to be flowers, or will take me out. So you
settle for that that you get because sometimes you feel
like maybe that is the only thing you will that
is the closest thing a level find to love, especially
when your dad tells you that you're not pretty, and
also a stranger on the road that you're not pretty,
justtics and it affects that. It affects my relationship because
(34:56):
even if like someone like I, someone wants like me,
but this person is of a higher level, or someone
like actually riches muches my standards, I feel like, hey,
they just yet to use me, Like I don't feel
like I can be loved by someone who is the
standards that I really look for in a man. But
then some days I know, like I don't know. Just
(35:17):
like I said, I'm two people in one person. Some
days I really like, I'm aware I deserve that much
like I deserve that I deserve to be loved in
that way, and I really want to get that person
who is better than you or who will challenge me.
But some days like I just sattle you this lesson,
but I need to work on bat. I want the
(35:37):
care society to understand that we are not Europeans. We
are Africans. Because you find that I go buy something
and they're like musungle, like I get by some zongle,
like so they could they want someone refers to me
as mazongle. I know they're going to overprice me. So
find that I truly that it's being so that a
handed bob you get to be sold for that same
item for three hundred chileaves and they start that you
(35:59):
are rich just because you're white. And also these main
comments let people make like people people. I just want
people to be kind because like actually when that guy
told me that muzungusurambaya, I used to walk like with
my head down. Like I used to just walk with
my head down. But there's some days that I just
get out of that, and then I am out of
(36:19):
that for like a long period, but then other days
it comes back and I'm back too, lowering my head
when I walk, and it makes me like really self
cautious cause then when I'm when I'm somewhere, I observe everything,
like I see everything I see, like how you treat me.
I'll observe that, and I know when to withdraw, Like
I said, like, oh, maybe they're doing this because I
(36:39):
have albenizy, and maybe because I'm not pretty, and that
beings like social rejection, feel like socially rejected, and sometimes
you don't want to show up for events. And actually
the last I was supposed to record this last week,
I didn't come because of that, Like, oh my god,
there's no treat, there's no hike. I was going to.
I just I just say, let me just come with
(37:00):
you never know, I just learn, just come. Another change
I'd like to make is like these people who like
you see I can't see. So I go to Matterato
and I can't see the number that I'm supposed to
pay with the bus fare, and like the conductors don't
want to read it for you because they think you
are pretending. Again takes me back to high school. But
(37:21):
when you ask for help but think like you're just
looking for you're seeking special attention, or you go to
an Embers and the agent number is Ukndani and you
can't say like and somewhere like when you So that
has made me like just I even like this their
numbers are there and you ask you're not seeing. So
thing when not seeing does not necessarily mean that you're blind. Example,
(37:45):
who can see like I can't see you, but I
can't see numbers that are at the back that even
with glasses. Actually albinism cannot the sight of people. So
the elbinism who have site issues cannot be directed by glasses.
Glasses just help you, like be better, but it's not
as perfect a side should be. My last words would be, actually,
I would like to tell parents, if you have a
(38:06):
creed special needs, take them to our school with special needs.
It will save them a lot of mental health struggles. Also,
be kind to people because these comments like you just
make not only for personal albanism or even like for
personal disabilities. I also think that referring to someone by
their disability, if you say I have albinism, that is
(38:28):
not an insult. But going out here calling people I'll
be no, okay waiting and those words are not good.
Let's just keep that for yourself.
Speaker 1 (38:38):
Catch more African stories in the next episode of Legally Cues.
What an absolutely powerful, powerful story, you know. I feel
like there are a few things that Rachel's story left me.
You know, thinking about just listening to her thriving in
primary school and then the absolute opposite happening in high school. Dude,
(39:00):
safe spaces are necessary. It's like it's not a luxury,
they are necessary, Like they can mean the difference between
you thriving and you just surviving. You know, that was
just the first thing. I also felt so intrigued by
her boldness and like speaking up for changes and like
(39:21):
influencing policy change in school at such a young age,
and how it's not something that is celebrated. Doing that
can sometimes punish you, which we saw her go through,
even just like advocating for herself with teachers got the
teachers feeling some type of way, which is just so
heartbreaking honestly, and her final words about just man, just
(39:46):
be kind. Imagine the way we look at and speak
to and treat each other can have the ability to
either like heal someone or make them feel even worse.
I'd love to hear what you connected with, though, so
drop it in the comments wherever you're listening to this
on And thank you so so much for listening to
(40:09):
this episode to the very end. Always remember that I
appreciate you and I know that you have every single
thing it takes to heal. That's it for this episode
of Legally Clueless. You can share this podcast with your friends.
You can keep it for yourself. I'm not judging. Just
make sure you're here next week for the next episode.
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