Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
My name is adele On Youngle and welcome to another
episode of Legally Clueless. No, seriously, i have no clue
what I'm doing, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the
only one. Hey, you welcome to episode three hundred and
fifty three of Legally Clueless. And this is what's coming up.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
There's a whole lot of people telling me congratulations. I
just wasn't feeling it. This was my first pregnancy. I
am feeling like it's too much. I just was not
feeling the joy that our mother has when they birth.
It actually took me three days to go and visit
my son in the nickel. I had to keep expressing
milk for him. His doctor had totally refused to put
(00:41):
him on formula. I had to take milk every day
to a hospital, So leave my house, go to a hospital,
take care of the baby. There's something called kangaroo. So
it was quite a troubling time in those thirty five days.
Sometimes I used to refuse to leave the hospital because
I used to go at mid day and find him
with a blocked nose, with mucusini's nose a wed diaper,
(01:06):
So I'm like, why am I leaving? Michel to these people.
Yet I'm finding my babe not fully catered to. This
whole thing for when are you getting the next baby?
Was really in our heads and people kept asking us.
You don't even know what we go we went through,
You don't know if we've healed. You don't ask questions,
You're just asking about the next thing.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
That is part two of Sharer's Story. We're about to
jump right into it, but before we do, thank you
for being part of this family. And if you are
a newb here, first and foremost, you may want to
listen to part one of shearer Story because that's a
good place to start. But secondly, welcome to the family.
All your episodes of this show God Every single Monday,
(01:46):
on Wednesdays, we have the Midweek Tea's where I talk
about different topics that I think can help you along
your healing journey. On Thursdays we have for Manerless Women
we've just kicked off season three, and on Fridays we
have Ask a Therapist. Make sure you also sign up
for our newsletter. It goes out every single Wednesday. Just
go to our website legally Cluelessafrica dot com. Lastly, remember
(02:10):
that you can connect with us on Insta and TikTok
and subscribe to our YouTube. All of those links are
in the show notes. So today we're diving into part
two of Shiro's story, and if you listened to part
one last week, you know just how intense and emotional
her pregnancy journey became. Right and so in this second part,
she is going to weave us through what happened during
(02:33):
her surgery, which is quite interesting. I haven't heard many
stories where people talk about the actual surgery and what
came after that and how difficult the entire pregnancy experience was.
This part of her story is raw. It is it's
so real, and it's just filled with the kind of
(02:53):
honesty that so many women rarely get spaces to express.
So let's get into it. I read African stories are
legally clueless stories from Africa.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
But when he was cutting me up and I could
feel the movement through my belly, and I think that
got me into shock. I was not in any pain,
but it just got me into some shock that I
was like, oh my god, this is actually really happening.
So I think at that point is when I just
zoned out. And I don't know if I blocked out
(03:31):
or I was just in the room not aware.
Speaker 3 (03:34):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
So they got a baby out and luckily he was saved,
and the procedure was the procedure went on well, but
I don't remember hearing that baby crying and that he's
a worry for every mother. But I think it's because
I was in the zone, like I was just zoned out. Yeah,
(04:00):
but the doctor.
Speaker 3 (04:01):
Showed me.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
The baby's okay, we just need to put him and
in the incubator because at twenty nine weeks he's not
fully grown. Yeah, so oxygen whatnot, which was quite I mean,
it's not anything I would wish on anyone because at
(04:24):
that point you really don't know if the baby's actually
going to survive even after being put in. So from there,
I have no memory after that until I go to
my word and there's a whole lot of people telling
(04:45):
me congratulations, blah blah blah, and I just wasn't feeling it.
This was my first pregnancy. I am feeling like it's
too much. I just was not feeling the joy that
our mother has when the birth. So it actually took
me three days to go and visit my son in
(05:07):
the Nico Nico is the area where the kids are
put the nursery for the premature babies. So it took
me three days because I was just not mentally ready
to go and see what the doctor got out because
I'd been given a report of the baby. The baby
was one going to kilograms and I'm like, how am
(05:30):
I going to survive seeing my son in that state.
So the nurses at Nairobi Hospital were very friendly encouraged
me every other day just go and see the baby.
Just go and see the baby. You might get you
might feel better, your milk might finally flow, because my
(05:52):
milk had not really came down.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
So on the third.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
Day, I I just decided, what's the worst that could happen.
Let me just go and see this boy. So I
thought I would break down, I would be hard, I
would be questioning, I'd be all of this. But when
I got there, I looked at him and I was
(06:21):
just like wow, wow, like they can actually be this
small because I had never ever seen a premature child.
So at that point, I really I was. I think
I was still now because I couldn't even hold him
(06:43):
because of the whole incubator situation, their pipes running through
different parts of his body and he's getting some treatment
for his eyes. So it was a whole lot of
things going on, and the fact that I couldn't hold
(07:07):
him then was just sad, like I felt like I
went for nothing.
Speaker 3 (07:16):
Yeah, So.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Went back to my room and I was just thinking,
why me, Why do I have to deal with this,
because this meant the child will be in hospital for long.
The doctor had told me they can't discharge him until
he's about two kilograms two point five because then he
(07:46):
can now start he will be fully developed then. So
that was heavy on us because I mean, this is
something we didn't anticipate, and we just thank good for
a good doctor because we'd have probably lost a child.
(08:06):
I'd probably also not be here if action was not
taken quickly. And I don't know, I just feel this
societal pressure of being asked when are you getting your child?
When is the next baby? Because after this baby, there
(08:28):
was the question of when are you getting the next door?
And I'm like, yo, guys, you need to stop. People
don't actually know anything that people got go through to
get kids. So for a while, this is around COVID time,
which worked for us because I was not in the
(08:48):
mood of getting visitors at all, and even the doctor
had told us, you have to keep this child away
from visitors for a year. African culture where women, your
mother's friends want to come and see and make sure
that you actually gave birth.
Speaker 3 (09:11):
Oh lord.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
So COVID worked perfectly for our son because we really
had to shield him because of his immunity. But before
we got home, we stayed in hospital for a whole month.
He had to stay in. I was discharged only five
(09:33):
he but he had to stay in for thirty days,
thirty five days because really were discharged just about Easter.
He's born in March, so in the thirty days, this
was the time. The true test was during this period
because I had to keep expressing milk for him. His
(09:56):
doctor had totally refused to put him on formula. Mother's
milk is actually the best for such kids when they're developing.
So that's what helped him get out of hospital faster
because he was gaining weight. It is tsy, but the
journey in the thirty days was quite hectic because I
(10:17):
had to take milk every day to a hospital, So
leave my house, go to hospital, take care of the baby.
There's something called kangarooing. Kangarooing is when you put the
baby yeah, on your chest and your it's skin to
skin kind of.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
Healing. What do I call it?
Speaker 2 (10:42):
Yeah, it's like a bonding session which helps the kids
get out of this frank therein.
Speaker 3 (10:49):
And they just.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
Develop faster and they gain the weight because you get
to feed them yourself. So it was quite a traveling
time in those thirty five days because sometimes I used
to refuse to leave the hospital because in the moon
(11:16):
I used to go at midday. Sometimes I'd find him
with a blocked nose, with mucus in his nose, a
wet diaper. So I'm like, why am I leaving my
child to these people? Yet I'm finding my baby not
(11:37):
fully catered to, you know, Like I wanted to be
there to clean out his nose, change his diaper in time,
feed him. But that was the best care he was
getting them. I don't think would have done anything at home.
If anything, it should have been our situation, so we
(11:57):
should we soldiered on with the such five days and
we got destroyed finally, and the journey for the the
journey really began at home because at home you don't
have any help their nomadics. You have to do everything yourself.
(12:17):
The pressure is building. Then visitors want to come and
see you and you have to say no. There was
just too much going on. But as I said, COVID
really came through. So work wise, luckily I had a
good boss. I had a very understanding boss. So where
(12:38):
I was working, we get three months off maternity. I
had over time told my boss that I'm getting complications
from twenty six weeks. I had started preparing him that
I might go in anytime, and he was very understanding
and that was just, I think a gift from heaven
(13:02):
because it was a very tough time.
Speaker 3 (13:04):
So once they b became of course they start counting.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
The leave, the maternity leave from when they get to
the bus notification. Because COVID it was COVID time and
we were working from home. That kind of made it
easy to negotiate more time outside because thirty five days
is a month, so I only have two months left
to be with my newborn. So I talked to my
(13:33):
boss and let him know there's been a complication and whatnot,
and to my surprise, he's like, yeah, okay, just take
the time you need. So the first question I asked
him is this unpaid leave or am I still going
to be on the payroll. So he says it's okay,
I will deal with JR. Don't worry about it. You
(13:54):
will be on full pay. I was shocked because this
is not normal for any employer to just extend grace
to such a situation. So that's where I just forgot
about it. I showed that my work worries and it
was back to catering to my child because this was
(14:18):
a baby who needed attention around the clock. Basically because
this is a very fragile baby. We had cases of
reflex We're.
Speaker 3 (14:32):
Dealing with.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
Having to give him more vitamins, like he was on
medication until he was due, because his vitamins were just
low and whatnot. So that five days in hospital is
I think a book I should write because that is
(14:58):
the most hectic time of child bearing. I used to
commit from Thicker Road to Nairobi hospital every day because
I had kangaroo. I had to be shown how to
wash the baby. I had to be told how to
fill the baby with a sea ringe and a spoon
(15:19):
because the kid is so small, can't breastfeed, can't latch
on the breast like it was so much work. So
it took a lot of grace to just even keep
doing this for this child, because at some point I
was like what if so many what ifs so in
(15:44):
my head, but I just had to keep pushing. My
husband also tell me just to keep pushing out support you. Luckily,
he was working right opposite the hospital at the time,
so we decided to get a shift so that we
don't get too exhausted doing this trips to the hospital.
So in the morning he'd take bags of milk, take
(16:05):
them to the hospital as he sees his son, then
a check in like at mid day, so we do shift. Yeah,
so at midday I'd stay there the whole day, like
till eleven pm. The nurses were kicking me out because
I just I was so attached.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
To this boy. Still am.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
He's a miracle baby. He really fought a good fight,
like he really pushed on. He's a fighter for sure,
because being born at one point two kilograms is literally
a packet of hunger, like you can hold it in
one hand. In fact, my husband was holding him in
(16:48):
his hand one hand, that's how small he was. Yeah,
So this journey is just to really put it out
there that women go through quite a lot. When you
(17:09):
hear a woman saying they're pregnant nowadays, I just quiver
because it could go anyway. It could be good, it
could be bad, as in you don't even know where
it's what direction it could take. Because up to twenty
(17:29):
six weeks, I was fine, Like I had zero problems,
I had no issue. I was like, this is the
best pregnancy. I mean, is this what women go through?
Then things just to atturn and my blood pressure is
something that is not discussed quite a lot. I don't
(17:50):
hear it being discussed a lot about complicately being a
complication in pregnancy as much as it should because most
people don't know they're actually going through it because you
don't feel any kind of pain, any discomfort. Some get headaches,
(18:11):
but you think it's just carried a headache. So prey
clumsia is just horrible. It's something that should be discussed
and more women should be made aware of this thing
because it's a killer. It is a killer when it
(18:31):
gets to a clumsier. A clumsier is what now it
develops into. Women have died out of this and it
was just unfortunate that it was not picked Ali. So
where I'm going with this is after five years of
possibly raising our son, trying to heal from all this drama,
(18:55):
we decided we think we're ready for a second For
the longest time, I thought I would never get another
child because I was not ready to go through all
that again. So it was important for me to even
just I felt it was important to get another doctor.
(19:20):
Not to say that the first doctor was responsible for
what happened, but I just needed a fresh start because
I didn't want to go back to the same clinic.
It's trauma. Basically, I didn't want to go to the
same clinic. I didn't want to go to the same hospital.
I just wanted a fresh start if we're getting another child.
(19:40):
So I got another doctor, gave the doctor my history,
and immediately we decided to get this second baby. The
doctor was very keen on treatment, so.
Speaker 3 (20:01):
M I was put on aspering from.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
Week six till week thirty eight. So what I'm just
trying to say is that it's important to be aware
that this thing could actually recur, and the more information
you give your doctor, the better for treatment. This whole
(20:24):
thing for when are you getting the next baby was
really in our heads and people kept asking us, and
we really got to a point of ignoring these people
and we would just tell them God's time is best,
because I mean, you don't even know what we go through.
(20:46):
We went through, you don't know if we've healed. You
don't ask questions, You're just asking about the next thing.
And I think it's a very bad culture that needs
to just stop. Yeah, because some people don't want kids.
Others want one kid, others don't ten, others don't two.
Speaker 3 (21:12):
So really.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
It's something that needs to be just taken with dread
because people are going through a lot, and especially now,
like mental health has become a thing, and this thing
took atall on me. I had to go in for
(21:35):
therapy because I didn't know I was going through postpartum depression.
I became very distant with people, like I was very
irritated after a while, like I.
Speaker 3 (21:51):
Was just not.
Speaker 2 (21:54):
The social butterfly that I am. I didn't want to
engage with people. I didn't want I just didn't want
to do much. And I did know I was slowly
getting into depression, sleeping into depression because this whole thing
had taken at all on me. So I go into therapy.
(22:16):
I do it for two weeks, I feel like I'm
getting better, and I stopped going for therapy, but then
there's this thing that just won't leave my head about
this whole pregnancy journey, and so I pull up, I
(22:39):
pull back myself, and I'm just like, you know what,
I just need to keep doing this therapy thing because
it's bringing me back a flute so that I can
overcome this feeling that I'm feeling. And still society is
just punching back at us, really punting. And you know how,
(23:01):
people can see the baby and they're like, now, Quanny,
you guys don't feed their child. Why is this so
small body? They give random kind of comments, and You're
just like, wow, you came to see the baby to
give us this. Anyway, it got to a point where
we were just not we could hear people talk, but
(23:23):
we were just like, ah, we're the ones who know
where I come from, with the ones who know what
we've gone through, so let's just shut it down, like,
let's just ignore cause for a while. My partner told me,
don't feel the pressure to get another baby because it's
(23:44):
been five years. You need to take the time that
you feel you need to heal because for sure, I'll
just say it that if the woman is not ready,
then they're really not ready for another child. Yeah, so
(24:05):
for us, it took us five years we got our
second baby. It's been an amazing journey. People should just
do things at their own pace, how they feel comfortable,
when they want to, because it's not a competition, it's
not it's not amassed actually to make the society happy,
(24:34):
because there's this I keep telling my husband that and
mostly church movement. I feel like they're so entitled to
our wombs because this question comes from such institutions church,
place of work, and you just don't understand where these
(24:58):
people are coming from. But it's what they know from society,
from how they were raised, how they were expected to
do things at their time. So this whole thing should
just be taken out a stride because people are going
(25:18):
through a lot, and the more people are aware about
the situation on the ground is is the more they'll
be cautious with what they tell people out here, because
you could be asking someone who can't even conceive when
(25:39):
we're getting away, and I mean, it's just a really
bad feeling. So yeah, now we have two gorgeous humans
running in our house and it's the most amazing feeling
(26:00):
to just see and hear them even just having conflict because.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
They're growing.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
We've been removed from the shackles, and our miracle baby
is just our first baby is just amazing. He's really
come from far and he's going places. There's a theory
that premature kids are the most intelligent of them in
out here. We're slowly seeing this. We've had slow kind
(26:32):
of milestone hitting, but when he hits them.
Speaker 3 (26:35):
He really hits them.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
So it's just a blessing to see that kids can
actually grow and just become like independent because like right now,
he's doing most of the things himself. We need to
extend Greece to everyone because people are going through the most.
People are just suffering in silence, trying to please the society,
(26:59):
and at the end of it we end up parting ourselves.
Let's two things when we're ready to do them. It's
quite unfortunate that this sensitization is not out here in
public for people to know, because even when it comes
to just raising this kind of kids, the premies, there's
a lot that needs to be put in for the
(27:21):
kids to be quote unquote to grow like the normal kids,
because even when it comes to milestones, they're slower at
hitting their milestones. They will hit the milestones, but will
just take a longer time. I also feel there are
less institutions that accommodate these kind of kids because obviously,
(27:43):
if they're taking longer to hit milestone, they will take
a bit of time to catch up with the rest
of the class. These need to create more space, safe
spaces for these kids to learn to grow and just
be nutured like the other normal kids. Quote unquote is
normal because these kids are also still normal. It's just
(28:04):
that they have lower milestones. These need to just sensitize this,
get this out here, and probably get spaces that can
help these kids grow great environment like the other kids do.
So another thing that we're really.
Speaker 3 (28:20):
Not prepared for is the journey of pregnancy.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
For example, for my case, after the twenty six weeks
of an amazing journey, things just started going south and
body changes started happening. The swelling, the darkening of my body,
the amount of pills I had to take just to
(28:46):
keep the pressure down was also taking at all on
my health, I guess on my body. So in as
much as society is pushing us to populate the world,
and I get it because we need generations to continue.
But we're just not enlightened about the journey of pregnancy
(29:08):
because a lot is happening. Swelling of it should also
not be just taken lightly, because you could be having
a condition that you don't know about. That's what a retention,
So you could probably having too much fluid. Apparently it
even goes through the lungs if you get to a clumsier.
(29:29):
Because I was reading about it, it's important to just
educate the women about the pregnancy journey as well as
we also push them to birth the future generations. Happy
during this period was on edge, if I can use
that word, because for him he has fear of losing
(29:53):
more than one person. He was constantly just making sure
we have the best care, we're doing the right thing
at the right time, we're eating the right things, we're
going for they called prinatal clinics. I never went to
hospital alone. He was there for all my clinics, which
(30:15):
is amazing support because especially after the twenty six weeks.
Twenty six six is when we break down. After twenty
six weeks, it just became something else and I feel
that because I had his support, it was an easier
button to carry. But on his side, I feel that
(30:35):
he just had a lot of hidden worry but he
just couldn't express it because he's supposed to be holding
me down understandably, but also there should be a chance
given to the men to just open up and release,
be vulnerable, be I mean, be emotional, give out your feelings,
(30:57):
say what exactly it is, because it takes two to tango.
I mean, we made this baby together, so his emotions
are valid as well. During admission, I saw his emotions
running through his face, especially when the NASS came in
and just were giving the care that needs to be done.
(31:18):
He was constantly there. He never walked out of the room.
He was aware of everything that was being done. And
because I know him, I could see that he's genuinely
just worried and hoping for the best. And he kept saying,
we have to get the booth of you out, So
(31:42):
that was amazing. Over time, we talked about it and
he let it go. So it was a good time
to actually know that he was okay sharing what he
felt at the time, because even holding his own thumb
in his hand, one hand because he's a rugby He's
(32:02):
a rugby, bodied kind of person, So that was amazing
to see that he was actually glad that his son
made it out. And this is important for all fathers
to just be in touch with your emotions. Don't keep
wattling them up because at the end of it, we
(32:26):
just don't know what will happen. Just let it go,
let it out. You feel much better when you let
it out. Talk about it.
Speaker 1 (32:35):
Catch more African stories in the next episode of Legally Culles.
This is not only a powerful story, it's such a
necessary one, all right, because a lot of times we
don't hear the realness of what the pregnancy journey could
potentially look like and how insensitive the people who pressurize
(32:55):
women to make that step. Yeah, just stop, please. I
hope this story actually just makes you to rethink that
entitlement that you have on another person's here to us.
But a lot of things stayed with me from her story.
The first is like, I hadn't really thought about it,
the guilt and the numbness that many mothers feel after
(33:16):
traumatic birth experiences. And I remember in true story where
she says it took her three days to even face
her son when he was in the ice You for babies, right,
I feel like not many women share about it, or
mothers share about it because you know, you feel ashamed
for us a mother thinking that or being too scared
(33:38):
to see your child. But please, not to the mothers,
but to the rest of us, who can make spaces
like these that are safe enough for mothers to be
completely honest, We need to meet mothers with compassion and
not judgment.
Speaker 3 (33:56):
Right.
Speaker 1 (33:56):
The other thing that she talked about that I didn't
really go into, I've never really gone into, is just
the emotional labor of caring for a premature baby. It
is enormous, right, The daily drives to the hospital expressing
milk every day kangaroo care. Like hearing her say it,
and I'm like, oh my god, daily facing that and
(34:20):
not knowing at the back of your mind, not knowing
is my baby gonna be okay? That is hectic. Another
thing that came out both in part one and part
two for me is just like society's pressure for people
to have kids is just loud and careless, you know,
I mean, even after fighting for her life and her
baby's life, people immediately start asking when is the next child.
(34:43):
Isn't that crazy, crazy, insensitive, crazy, harmful? Please stop it,
pre clamsier. I just feel like we just need more
visibility on this right. It's dangerous, but it's also under discust.
So many women don't know the signs and till it's
too late. And also when we talk about father's right,
(35:05):
and when she was talking about her husband and his
anxieties around that, and when she was talking about like
he's dealing with no first the decision, like he is
signing papers about who the doctors should save between your
wife and your child, and then being faced with that
(35:26):
possibility that you could lose both where that is a lot.
That is a lot. And so if you know a
couple that are navigating this, don't forget to, like, you know,
check in on the partner, on the on the father,
make sure they're not drowning in the anxiety around the matter.
(35:48):
But those are just some of the things that stayed
with me. I want to know what you connected with
what you learned from Sheer's two part story. Please drop
it in the common section. And if you're listening to
this and you've got through pre clamsia, premature birth, postpartum depression,
fertility struggles, or even just the weight of societal pressure.
Please know like your story really matters, and I hope
(36:11):
Sherew's story like affirmed you so you don't feel alone.
And speaking of stories, if you want to share your
story on this particular show. You're African, you have a story.
We think it's valid. We want to hear it. Sign
up is that that I want? No fill in our
story TeleForm A LINKDS is in the show notes. Once
you do, one of our correspondents will reach out to you,
(36:33):
so please do that when we to sign up for
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our YouTube. All of the links are in the show notes.
And the last but not least, thank you so much
for listening to this episode to the very end as usual.
You know, I think that you have everything it takes
to heal. That's it for this episode of Legally Clueless.
(36:56):
You can share this podcast with your friends, you can
keep it for yourself. I'm not judging. Just make sure
you're here next week for the next episode.