September 21, 2025 • 41 mins
Over the past two episodes, we’ve journeyed with Audrey through her childhood and the unimaginable loss of her beloved brother, Warren. In this final part of her story, Audrey shares how she navigated life after loss, the painful burial, the anger she felt at faith, and her long journey of slowly facing the places and memories she had been avoiding.
She also reflects on how unexpected moments, like her mother’s later pregnancies, brought new light into their family’s story. This episode is a powerful reminder that grief isn’t linear, and healing often comes in pieces, sometimes in the most surprising ways.
📌 This is Part 3, the final part of Audrey’s story.
Connect with Audrey here: https://www.instagram.com/apondiaudrey/
✨ Legally Clueless Group Therapy
We’re holding our final 3-part group therapy of the year in partnership with Shamiri Health. The theme is Childhood Trauma, and together with three accredited psychologists, we’ll explore:
🎟️ Ticket: KES 4,500 (covers all three sessions)
Join us if you’re ready to start understanding yourself more deeply and take steps toward healing. Tickets are available: https://legallycluelessafrica.hustlesasa.shop/?product=68543
✨ Explore more Legally Clueless Africa platforms:
She also reflects on how unexpected moments, like her mother’s later pregnancies, brought new light into their family’s story. This episode is a powerful reminder that grief isn’t linear, and healing often comes in pieces, sometimes in the most surprising ways.
📌 This is Part 3, the final part of Audrey’s story.
Connect with Audrey here: https://www.instagram.com/apondiaudrey/
✨ Legally Clueless Group Therapy
We’re holding our final 3-part group therapy of the year in partnership with Shamiri Health. The theme is Childhood Trauma, and together with three accredited psychologists, we’ll explore:
- How trauma shows up in adulthood
- How it shapes our relationships and bonds
- How to begin healing your inner child
🎟️ Ticket: KES 4,500 (covers all three sessions)
Join us if you’re ready to start understanding yourself more deeply and take steps toward healing. Tickets are available: https://legallycluelessafrica.hustlesasa.shop/?product=68543
✨ Explore more Legally Clueless Africa platforms:
- Newsletter: www.legallycluelessafrica.com/
- Instagram: www.instagram.com/legallycluelessafrica/
- TikTok: www.tiktok.com/@legallycluelessafrica
- YouTube: www.youtube.com/c/LegallyCluelessYoutube
- Share your story: forms.gle/kMn7Wae5N563JFGQ8
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
My name is a girl on Younger and welcome to
another episode of Legally Clueless. No, seriously, i have no
clue what I'm doing, but I'm pretty sure I'm not
the only one. Hey, you welcome to this episode of
legally Clueless. And this is what's coming up.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
And there were people, believe it or not, that came
up with stories. Do you know people come up with
stories when you lose someone. They were like, oh, no,
she must have sacrificed him, and I'm like, it's my mother.
This woman has gone through hell to even get us
to this point. Oh, she sacrificed our only son. And
other people like, oh, he was in a lane size school.
(00:39):
They are illuminating that school, so they took him. There
were so many wild stories, and I remember that someone
who just came and told me, Audre, you know, maybe
your brother was in a cult. You know, he's a boy,
you know, maybe maybe he went to school and he
wanted money and he got into a cult. Being the
first born child, of course, I had to speak at
my brother's funeral, which is the first time that people
(01:00):
actually realized my mother still ad kids, you know, in
a very wiry, twisted week that is.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
From Part three of Audrey's story, which is the final part.
If you have not listened to part one and part two,
go to the last two episodes so that you're not floating.
But yeah, this is the final part. It's coming up
in a bit. But first and foremost, welcome, Welcome to
the fam. If you're new here. This is Legally Clueless,
a show from Legally Clueless Africa. This is where we
(01:28):
tell powerful African stories. But beyond this podcast, we also
have more shows. On Wednesdays we have the Midwig TI's
and on Thursdays we have for Manneralist Women. I think
the name is very self explanatory. And on Fridays we
have a seasonal show called Aska Therapist. Make sure you
also sign up for our newsletter. It goes out every
(01:50):
single Wednesday. It's my personal note to you every week
to help you on your healing journey, and you can
sign up for it via our website, legally cool Usafrica
dot com. A link to it is in the show notes.
Also in the show notes is where you can find
us on TikTok and Instagram, so make sure you join
our social media family as well. Now, before we get
(02:12):
into today's story, I want to share something that's very
important for me and I think it should be important
to you as well. We are holding our final three
part group therapy of the year. Of course, we're doing
this in partnership with Shamiri Health. Clearly we're all about
your healing here. The theme this time around is childhood trauma,
(02:32):
and we're going to be unpacking how trauma shows up
in adulthood, how it shapes our relationships, our intimate relationships,
our friendships, even which not many people talk about, how
does childhood trauma affect how you relate with others at work?
That part right, and we're also going to be looking
(02:55):
at what are the gentle ways that we can begin
healing those. I like that we're doing this nice and
early before Christmas time, so in case you do spend
Christmas with your family, if there's anyone there who triggers you,
you'll be better equipped to actually enjoy your holidays with
your family. It's being led by three accredited psychologists. I'm
(03:17):
really big on if you are talking about mental health
and mental wellness, can we please get people who have
studied to be able to help us so that it's
really impactful. Right, And it's going to be running on
October eleventh, November the eighth, and December the sixth. Tickets
a fwenty five hundred BOB and that covers all of
(03:38):
the three sessions. It covers your snacks and refreshments for
all three sessions. It covers resources that we're going to
print out and give you to go home with. And honestly,
if you've ever wanted to understand yourself more deeply or
begin healing some of those patterns that you're like, yo,
this is really holding me back. This space is for you. You
(04:00):
do not have to do it alone. It's really powerful
to heal within a community. All the details and the
ticket link are in the show notes, so make sure
you grab your ticket. Ace up because it's group therapy,
it's not a concert, meaning they're very very limited slots.
And shout out to everybody who's already booked their slots already.
I can't wait to meet you. Now let's get into
(04:21):
this episode story, the final part of Audrey's story, right, So,
over the past two episodes, we've journeyed with Audrey. In
part one, she shared about her childhood, the joy, the
cracks in her parents' marriage, and the loneliness of separation.
In part two, she very bravely opened up about the
sudden loss of her brother Warren and the silence that
(04:43):
siblings often sit with when a family is grieving, and
in this final part, Audrey shares how she navigated life
after loss right, so the pain that comes with the burial,
the anger as well, and so much more. The African
stories are legally cueless stories from Africa.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
And we went to the morgue and this guy was like.
We were like, hi, we're here to see why, and
it's like come, come, And he goes there and he
pulls this fridge and my brother is wearing his hood.
They didn't take it off, so it's like he's sleeping. Literally,
he's wearing his jeans and that wood the same way
left home that morning, and I'm just looking. I think
(05:33):
I was just standing there staring at him for a minute,
and I told my sister, it's him. It's like I
was just confirming what I already knew. I was like, ses,
it's him, and that guy was like okay, it's okay,
and I'm like yeah, and he pushes back that refrigerator.
So I think the moment I saw my brother in
that fridge. It's sanky now because now I was from
(05:56):
performing and you know, telling people and just doing all
these crazy things to avoid my real grief. But now
seeing him in that position, it's it was hard. It
was really really hard. You you cannot, you cannot and
see that. You cannot see someone in a refrigerator. And
(06:16):
you know, it wasn't like the normal visiting areas where
they take someone and put them on a stretcher. For you,
it was literally And these guys, you know, moticians, they've
interacted with death so much so it doesn't bother them.
But for me having this person pull this thing and
show me my only brother lying in there, it was
it was terrible. Remember my mom is pregnant. She almost
(06:40):
lost that. Because you you're in pain, you're in grief.
It's crying every single time. And now I made it
my job to be watching my mom. Like if I
see a crying and go there, starts saying something to
distract her. I am not grieving. I'm ensuring everyone else
is not like my mother is. Okay, she almost lost that.
(07:01):
Another thing that I noticed during that period is that
people really diminished my sister and die. It was like
they were telling my mother, we are very sorry for
your loss. You will just get another child. But I'm like,
my mother has children. Why are you guys saying she
will get another child? You know, and no one knew
she was pregnant by them. It's basically me. But it
(07:23):
was like they were saying, you've lost your son. Girls,
these are girl so God is going to give you
another child. And that also, it was so sad because
you're making my mother feel like she has lost everything. Yes,
she has lost everything, but she has two daughters who
are here, you know, who are alive, who also need
(07:46):
someone to tell them everything is going to be. Who
needs someone to confirm to them it is not the
end of the world. But now you're making my mother
feel like, yo, don't worry, God is going to give
you children. And it's like me and my sister we
are not children. You know. She's left with nothing. That
is the thing that I got from that entire period.
(08:07):
And there were people, believe it or not, that came
up with stories. Do you know people come up with
stories when you lose someone. They were like, oh, no,
she must have sacrificed him. I heard that, and I'm like,
it's my mother. This woman has gone through hell to
even get us to this point. How she sacrificed our
(08:27):
on listen and other people like, oh, he was in
a lane size school. They're illuminating that school, so they
took him. There were so many wild stories that was
so wild. I remember and I'm like, and I remember
that someone who just came and told me, Audrey, you know,
maybe your brother was in a cult.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
You know, he's a boy.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
You know, maybe maybe he went to school and he
wanted money and he got into a cult. And in
that moment, I'm like, what are you seeing? This is
a child, This was my brother, someone I played with.
I mean, people are so insensitive in such moments, because
why are you saying that? And why are you saying
it to another child? I mean, why are you talking
(09:09):
about all these things? Someone has lost their loved one.
And then there were some people that made it like
a mockery kind of thing, you know, like, oh, she
was so proud she thought she had reached there, you
know the way they say, and they're like, you know,
now she has nothing, She's back to square one, Like
they were making it look like my mother was proud
(09:30):
that her son is in Alance High School. He's not
proud your son is in Alance High School. But they
making it look like she was seeing herself, you know,
in direct translation. And it was just sad. It is
sad that you're going through something terrible, and instead of
people coming together to like console you, they come up
with stories and they ran wild with these stories and
(09:52):
everything is just like, oh, she did this, she did that.
It was such a tragic, tragic thing. And everybody come
home and you'd say, you know, he was hit by
lightning or she was struck by lightning. They'll be like,
w But you know that is not normal. I don't
want to hear these things that you're seeing that they're
not normal. You know, I've lost someone. I am sad.
(10:15):
I am scared. Oh my god, I was scared. I
was scared of going to bed. And know, when you
hear about death on the news or on your neighbor's place,
it's not hitting you like that. Once death come to
your house, The anxiety of it, the fear my mother
would come home. Every time my mother is very late,
(10:35):
I know she's dead. I mean the last time my
brother was running late, he had died. I became this
person that I would process. Every time my mother picked
a call, I would look at her face. If it
turns even an inch, I'm like, what has happened? Tell
me was died?
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Now?
Speaker 2 (10:50):
It just makes you so vigilant of everything, of every emotion,
of every face that someone has, every call. I think
the calls that were coming through moments after that, I
was just like, someone else is dead. Please don't don't.
Don't tell me someone I love. Anyways, So after fifteen days,
now we go to the mob to get my brother.
(11:13):
Now I have to see him in the suit that
he had told my mommy wanted, but now he's getting
it in a whole different context. That was just a
whole new level of breaking down because now he's in
a suit that I imagined he would be in a suit,
but I didn't see it in this context. And they
bring him home. I think they took him to where
(11:35):
we used to live because of our neighbors. Before we'd
go to our rural home so that my neighbors could
also see him, because you know, we were living in
a small town, so we had like a community of
people who knew him, his friends, our neighbors. You know,
they pole that would send him to the shop. You know,
when you raise a child, your child is for their society.
So people knew him, so it was just a great
idea that, you know, we take him there for viewing
(11:58):
before we go home the following day. No, we took
him home that same day. In our culture, someone goes home,
they're sleeping, and then the birole is the following day.
So the following day Alane's high school. Now bus comes home.
I think that's a whole other level of grief because
now these boys they're here, They've come with their school bus.
(12:23):
My mother was just going crazy. Now, I mean, it's
enough that I've lost the sun, but now we have
a bus full of boys coming to our home, well dressed,
looking like my brother, the same height. Like we could
not just take it, you know, And they came to
our home with a bus with their school bus. They
(12:46):
made this poster thing, like a big one for my bro,
so they came with it and they got out of
their school bus with his metal box, so they were
carrying it while they were marching, and I I did
not like that, knowing that this school that meant so
much to him, that was his life's dream, everything, My
(13:10):
brother ever wanted was what he caught.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
You know.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
Okay, I'm glad he got to experience that before he died,
But why I cut it short? So these boys came home.
They alighted from their bus with my brother's books and
all his belonging schools. Well, they have to bring it home,
and they're like a band. I remember they were marching
and I don't remember the things they were singing, but
(13:36):
they were marching carrying his books, doing all these things
they do in their school. I never thought something would
be worse than that. I think even in my life
(13:56):
right now, I keep referencing to what I want in
that period. I cannot go. There's nothing worse that I
can experience that would be worse than that. And they
were marching and singing, and they brought his cool box
and I remember opening it and just seeing like it's dictionary,
(14:18):
his clothes. It's my brother had like the perfect and writing.
We used to say he writes like a girl, because
it was like the best and writing you've ever seen.
They came with a condolence book and all these classmates
are writing these things. It was tough. It was absolutely tough.
(14:42):
And my mom used to go, I think for me,
I was just looking at it from my mother and
my father's point of view. My brother was my father's
best friend. They were inseparable. They would talk about school things.
I think my brother and my father they were like,
I don't I used to see them as my idols.
(15:02):
They would speak about all these things, all these engineering things.
Just think that I felt was so cool. And I'm
looking at my father and it's just a shell of
a man. He was just sitting there lost.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
My mother.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
You know, the doctors are like, you need to watch
your moaning and your grief because you're a baby as
well that you don't want to lose. Because she almost
toasts that, so he knew it's the boys came to school,
to our home. They were looking so nice, and I
think that's the worst part about it, because you just
know your son is not going to be part of
(15:36):
that again. And when those boys were given a chance
to speak about my brother, and to have to hear
them say these nice things about him, about how they
knew him in ways that I didn't even know, it
just it was even worse. The pain was double the
whole ral. I was just looking at those boys and
I'm like I'm never going to see my brother again,
(16:00):
and it hurt me so much that I had never
gone to school. Okay, we had plans. We were saying,
next year, when you're informed three, we're going to come
to visit you. You know, we had plans. The thing with
death is that it just takes your plans and throws
it out the window. So you have to start with
a new plan, a new plan that involves this person
not being there for the rest of your life. The
(16:22):
boys from my life high school, they were looking so nice,
they were so poised, they were so respectful. They were like,
I was looking at the way they were walking in
a marching like it's like these people they're from another world,
you know, they're so cool, the English they're speaking. I
was looking at them, and I'm like, my brother was
in the best school there is and now he's never
(16:45):
going back to that place. And his teachers they're like,
you know, we're sorry for your loss. Oh my god.
It was It was hectic. I didn't think my parents
would go through that and come out of it. I
thought my brother's days was going to take all of us.
It was just it was the saddest and being the
first born child. Of course, I had to speak at
(17:07):
my brother's funeral, which is the first time that people
actually realized my mother still had kids, you know, in
a very very twisted way, you know, the way they
felt like, oh, that was our only boy, So what
is she going to do? You know, her life is
just over, you know. And then now I was given
(17:27):
a chance to speak, and I did speak, and I
said all these things about my brother, how he was
a wonderful boy, how he taught me how to do things. Okay,
sometimes he made me not do things because I would
not think for myself. I even joked saying that I
used to not think for myself because he knows everything
so well. Would I think if I'm worried about something,
(17:49):
if my phone Sometimes I've even forgotten to just switch
on my phone. But I'm like, this phone is not working,
but it's there to tell me you've not switched it all.
Like it was just someone that was there to guide me.
You know. She was born after me, but I felt
like I went to him for guidance, and so people
were like, wow. So I realized after I spoken on
that funeral, people now are coming to my mom that
(18:11):
don't worry we've seen your daughter. She's very strong and
she's very courageous. You still have someone, you know. Now
the tune has changed and everything, and I'm like, please
let my mother just grieve in peace. Do not make
this thing about what it's not. And because my mother
was pregnant and some of them caught the windows it
(18:32):
or like, you know, maybe God has a plan for you,
Maybe you're going to have another boy and everything will
just be fine. Please, nothing is ever going to be
fine for our family. We've lost everything that we've ever had.
After that time after my brother was married. I remember
(18:52):
during that period, you see the way they do funeral
procession at the grave side. So in our family were Adventists.
Sevent the Adventist I'm not though, and I'll explain why.
So during that period, you know there's the pastor that
does that from art we came something of that sort.
(19:13):
My church was supposed to do that, but apparently they
said they would not because my brother wasn't consistently going
to church. And in my head, I was like, this
is a boy who was studying in Nairobi. Every time
he comes home for half time, it's like a week
and then it's closing day and sometimes he stays with
my aunt. What do you mean it is me that
(19:33):
comes to church, it's my mother that comes to church.
Why why? Why are we arguing on who is going
to do this thing? And is dead either way? And
you know his f his physics teacher, is the person
who did that. He was also the chaplain of their
school during that time. And for me, I was like, no,
I'm gonna tell you this street. I know my parents
(19:55):
are wondering why I'm not an adventist. Maybe they get
to hear it from me that. I was like, I
can never relate to this church anymore because if you
can leave my brother in such a state and stay
and say we cannot do this because he wasn't coming
to church, and yet I was coming to this church,
you could not even do which for me was alive.
(20:17):
I cannot do this anymore. The day my brother was
put in that hole in that box and that was
being thrown on top of his coffee and everything, in
flowers and everything, that's the day I was like, I'm
never going back to this church again. And I told
myself I'm not running away from God, even though I
had a million questions to God. My mother prayed every
(20:37):
night with us. My mother raced us with such struggle.
My father tried everything to pay our school. They were
really really trying to bring us up. Why would you
let him die at this moment when everything was starting
to make sense? You know, my mother just has a job.
My mother worked for two months before my brother died. Literally,
the salary that my brother enjoyed, the one that we
(20:58):
were spending, was like two months to him dying. And
in my head, I was like, God, explain this to me.
Make me understand how you choose who dies and who doesn't.
And then when I heard there were survivors, I'm like, wow,
so you decided these people to survive, but this one
does not, like make me understand. And I was just like, God,
(21:19):
are you seated in heaven with pop coins having a
good time smiling while my life is falling apart. I
had so many questions. I mean, I was so angry
at God, at the world, at every single person. And
so I decided I'm not going to leave God, but
I'm going to leave this church. So from there onwards,
(21:42):
I left it. I was like, no, for who my
brother was, I will stand by him because it didn't
make sense that his physics teacher would do that, but
he did it and it was okay. But they were
supposed to be there for me, for my family, for us.
Why would they say such a thing at such a moment. Yeah,
(22:02):
so my brother got buried and this boy is there
to go back. It was just I cannot bring that
sadness right now, the way it felt. But I feel
it in my bones. You know, the grief feels like
someone is pinching you. You feel it in your bone,
you feel it everywhere. It's everywhere. You can't eat, you
(22:26):
can't sleep. You I used to have dreams of my
brother is back all the time, my brother is back,
But when I wake up in the morning, is not
Back's gold. Apparently someone dies, they're buried. People start going
back to their places. Now you're remaining all by yourself,
and now you're left with their shoe by the corridor.
(22:46):
You're left with their phone, the momentous of them in
the house that you're meeting, and you have to live
with the fact that the owner of this shoe is
no longer here. Literally, even the clothes on the wireline.
You just know that Shirit belongs to so so bad. So,
so he's not here because this death was abrupt. It's
not something you saw coming. And no one sees death coming.
(23:07):
I know that, But this particular one is that this
person woke up in the morning and did not come
back in the evening, and you did not see it coming,
and premonitions are that's a lie because if I had
known the feeling I had of like my lady, the
one that even took medicine for, then I could have
wont my brother not to leave the house. If I'd
(23:28):
known all these feelings that I had, the way I
felt someone was watching me by the dog. But you
cannot associate that feeling with something happening. You cannot. So
in twenty fifteen, twenty seventh of December, he died and
then he was buried on the fifteenth no on the
sixteenth of January twenty sixteen. Now my results were back.
(23:52):
I was going to come to Nairobi for my university education.
I don't feel like I had time to grieve. To
be honest, you know, my mother is here, she's pregnant.
I need to watch her. Then my letter is here.
I need to go to campus. So when I came
to Naerobi. I was like, Audrey, don't ever go to
kick with your town because you know Alliance is in
tiqu So I knew that, and I told myself, I
(24:15):
can never step kick with your town. I came up
with a plan where I wasn't going to grieve or hear.
I was going to avoid triggers because any boy my
brother's age trigger. I see a boy coming, I go
like this. Any person is in a school uniform, that's
a trigger I see coming. I passed the other way round.
(24:38):
So I just found ways in which I was avoiding
anything that could remind me of this person. You know,
I told myself I cannot Every time there was news
on TV and they said, you know Alance, oh shoe,
I switch it off immediately. I don't want to see anything.
I don't want to read the word a lands on anything.
Even there's like a Lance driving school. You know, there's
so many words that come with the lions. I don't
(24:59):
know Allance grew. I see a lane, I switch it off.
I see any person in a green sweater, ooh, I
don't want to look. So after some time, I think
you sit with your grief and you start to open
up for me. It did not happen when my brother died.
(25:19):
That is one thing I just have to agree. I
did not grieve it in that moment. I did it
slowly because it's not linear. It's not a street line
that you know, this happens, you heal, you become better.
The days like today that I still feel so sad
about it, I will be okay again for a month
and then I'll remember it and it's just like it's
(25:39):
going up and it's going down. Sometimes it's okay, sometimes
it's not. It's been ten years, but that feeling it's fresh,
like it's happening right now, Like I can't channel the anxiety,
the fear, the everything. I can channel it right now.
So I didn't want to go to kick Wool for
a very long time. So one day I'm in my
(26:01):
house and I'm like, you need to go to Kiquu
because you're avoiding your triggers. And it's because of this
podcast that I learned I even have trauma. I didn't
even know how trauma. And my Monther's like, I mean,
I did not think that. So listening to this podcast
for a long time, I started realizing realizing I have
(26:24):
trauma and I also learned from this podcast that the
way to deal with your traumas is to face them,
not to like you see it coming and you go
the other way. You're not healing. You're avoiding triggers is
not healing. It means the day you're faced without trauma,
you're going to fall either way. So this particular day
(26:44):
I tell myself, I think it was two years ago,
I was like, Audrey, you need to go to Giquo Town.
You cannot avoid Cquo Town. And I've been in this
city from like twenty sixteen when I came for campus
for my university education. So you know, I was just like,
I don't know what will happen if I go to Kickoo.
By then, my heart was beating so fast. I was
(27:06):
sure if I go to Wreckul, I was going to die.
I don't know. I just felt like the moment I
step into Reque Town, I'm going to lose it. So anyway,
I get into a matchurch when I go to quote Ton,
because I go to see Teram Church. So there's a
Sittam church in Kiku. So I was like, you just go.
So I go to church and everything is fine. Apparently
I don't even see Alon's High School by the road
(27:26):
the way I thought, if I go to Gickulu, our
lines will be staring at me on the face. So
I don't see anything. But when I'm coming back from church,
I notice there's a school bus in that town, and
I tell myself, this school bus it is for Alliance boys.
I know it in my heart. So I start walking
very first. I'm telling myself, God, let me not see
(27:46):
any boy from that school. Guess what. There are two
boys in church and I just come face to face
with them.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
Do you know.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
I had like this hype of ventilation, like I can't breathe. Literally,
I'm anxious. I'm like trapped. It's like I was avoiding
this thing and it's right on my face. So I
make about and I'm walking very first. I'm like, I
don't want to see them. I don't want to see them.
I door and to see them, and so I was
(28:15):
going back to take my match at and go back home.
That's when when I'm crossing the road, this school bus
is coming.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
I know.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
I can feel it's coming behind. You know when a
vehicle is coming behind you, And I know at some
point it will pass me, and I don't want to
read that, just as basic as that, I don't want
to read the Land's High School on that school bus.
I know if I do, it's the end of me
that passed me. And I looked at those boys on
that window and just tears were coming down. But that
(28:44):
was the first day, after such a long time, that
I had faced what had been so afraid of. I
thought I was going to die, But of course I
didn't die. Yes, I felt all these emotions. Yes, I
was like perventilating, and I was trembling and I was
shaking king, but I felt like, wow, so it's actually doable.
I can look at these boys and not go crazy.
(29:07):
There's nothing wrong. I mean, I can actually survive this.
And that was my first step to deciding I'm going
to heal from I can't heal from this, but I'm
going to face this. I'm going to face this head on.
I'm yet to go to a lane size school, to
be honest, It's in my plan, it's in my bucket list.
I tell myself every day that one of these days
(29:30):
I will go up to that school just to see
it from his eyes, because I've never seen it. I'm
afraid of seeing it up close, because I don't know
how I feel about that. To know that I'm stepping
on the ground is step one to know that maybe
I'm working on a pavement that I walked on. So
I'm not there yet, but it is a plan in
(29:51):
my head that in this healing journey of mine, the
way we had planned ten years ago, that I would
go visit him. I will go visit that school. I
don't know if they remember him, if there are records
of him, I'm not sure, and I'm not sure if
there is maybe an old boy listening to this podcast
right now, because I would also want to be someone
(30:12):
that was in class with my brother, to just experience
someone else who knew him in that setting of his school,
of who he was as a boy in that school,
you know, his dreams from someone else's perspective, you know.
And I tell myself that I'll go there and I'll
say hi to the principle of that school, and I'd
(30:32):
be like, tell me, if you guys have a record
of this boy, just so that I'm in that place
that he was in. I feel like that I'm not
sure it's going to solve anything, but deep down in
my mind I've made it something that I need to do.
I don't have a timeline on when I'm going to
do it, but I just want to walk in there
(30:52):
feel the way he felt to be there, to see
the place that I loved so much. To just be
in a place that, because I feel that will really
unlock my healing and my you know, just moving on
from this. I cannot completely move on from it, because
it's going to be a part of me forever. Unfortunately,
(31:14):
grief is the cost of love. Once you love someone,
there's a possibility of losing them, and when you do that,
you go through this again. But I would want to
experience what made him so happy, Our lands made him
so happy, and having you know, to see it get
cut short because he was going to be informed in
(31:36):
twenty seventeen. Now, no, in twenty sixteen. The boys that
he was with would have finished their form for in
twenty seventeen. I would really really love to just go
there to experience that, to just know he might have
not finished school here, but he belonged with this boys.
(31:57):
He bragged about their school. He said such wonderful things.
I don't know. They call themselves the bush guys or whatever.
It's not accurate from what I recalled, but it would
brag about their school, about the things they do, about
what they eat, where they shower. That school meant everything
for him, and I would just want to experience that.
(32:18):
So my mother had a girl, not the way people expected,
but she had a girl. That girl was the lifeline
of our family because now there was a baby at home.
We had to focus on the baby. There's no time
to mourn again. I mean, I have to make sure
my mother's eating, that the baby's taken care of. And
(32:41):
she was like a rainbow, you know, after this storm,
after this terrible, terrible time, and then now we have
a baby girl at home that we're caring for. Me
and my sister. We were just all over her. You know.
It was like a distraction from all this that has happened.
You have something else to focus. And you know, people
are like, oh, oops, it's not a boy, but don't worry.
(33:04):
God will bring a boy. You cannot believe that the
society right now is not even that progressive. You know,
there's still that thing of you don't have a boy,
well you might as well not have a child. But
they're not saying it loudly, but you can't tell. So,
I mean we would, we would have dreams of my
brother say, you know, I'm gonna come back. You guys,
(33:25):
don't worry, don't worry. And so like four years ago
my mum had a boy. I know, I know it
was like I think my mom was like, I don't know,
forty two when she had this other boy, and it
was it was like a miracle sorrow. And I would
think of the times I woul dream of my brother saying, Yo,
(33:46):
I'm gonna be back, and then out of nowhere, my
mom is pregnant again. It's even it's biologically complicated a bit.
I mean, it's not an heard of a woman to
get pregnant at that age. But it was not something
we like for her. She had already accepted that my
only son is calling. But now we have another boy
(34:07):
and is the exact copy of my brother. Like they
look the same, they laugh the same, do they do
things the same. It's just as cheky as he was.
And sometimes I'm like, it's reincarnational thing. I mean, sometimes
I play with the idea of could this be a reincarnation,
you know, could like there's so much resemblance I mean,
(34:28):
they're born of the same people. But you like, if
he said he was gonna come back, could it be
that is pack And so it makes me feel like
one day I will have a chance to see my
brother as a teenager, even though I didn't get a
chance to see him when I saw him as a teenager,
but not much of it that maybe life is giving
(34:50):
me another chance to get to see him. Because the
more this boy is growing, I'm like, this is the
same person. And you can tell from his laughter, from
the things he's doing, from how sharpy is, like, bro,
he knows so much even at a young age, And
I'm like, I couldn't be more grateful to have this
boy because he has healed my mother in a way,
(35:12):
not completely, but my mother has a reason to be
happy again. You know. Yes, she was fine with us.
My mother is very progressive, very well educated, and she
is not backward like the people that were making all
this comments. She was like, have girls, fine, My girls
can still do whatever you guys think my boy was
gonna do. But having this boy has brought light and
(35:36):
hope and all these things in our lives. And it's
just a whole different thing now. And I cannot wait
for him to grow because I'm like, life is giving
me a chance to experience what was youngked away from me.
It's not going to happen right now. By the time
he's like fifteen, now, will I be It's it's the
whole thing. But I cannot wait for that time to
(36:00):
get to see him, to get to experience him, and
the moment that I'm worried that I'm forgetting my brother's
voice because I'm like, I sit in a room and
I'm like, I want to channel his laughter, you know,
and I feel so pissed off that that laughter is
fading away. You know, people don't tell you that when
you're grieving, you feel so guilty that what if in
(36:21):
twenty years, I cannot clearly remember this person's face. You
know they're pictures, yes, but you want that internal one,
the one that your brain conjours. What if I get
to a point where I cannot remember how he looked
like and my brother had like this toothy green like
you would smile with this and you could see all
(36:41):
this did when he's smiling and he had this laughter
that I can channel it even right now, and I
can hear it, and I don't want to forget it,
and having my brother and hear him if I hear
him laugh and I can feel yes, now that is
his laugh. I'm like, wow, thank you, thank you for
coming back. I don't know how afterworld works. I don't
(37:05):
know what happens when you die, but I'm always like,
thank you for coming back, thank you for coming back,
you know whatever, you've come back, and thank you for
being with me because I know, I know, I know
he's with me. I cannot explaining, but I know he's
with me. So yeah, that is my story.
Speaker 1 (37:26):
Catch more African stories in the next episode of Legally Cues.
That was the final part of Audrey's story, and if
you want to connect with her, we put a link
to her socials in the show notes. And her honesty
and just the clarity she has on her story and
her healing journey is so incredible to hear. Honestly, for
(37:50):
the first three episodes, that's what has really stood out
to me. Man. She really just also reminded me how grief, man,
it doesn't follow a straight line. You know, it rises,
it falls, and sometimes even so many years later, it
can feel so fresh. In fact, I was just watching
(38:12):
a video by this UK artist who lost her father
in twenty twenty and then the last year lost her granddad,
and she was talking about how, you know, people like
to say that it gets better with time. I really
don't think it does, especially like my journey with grieving
my mom. So what this UK artist was saying is
(38:34):
what she finds is there is more of like a
longer gap in between the heavy triggering moments. They're not
every day or every week now, it's maybe three weeks
apart or one month apart or three months apart. And
I was like, actually, that's so true. But when they come,
it doesn't come with a lesser intensity. It's still hella heavy,
(39:00):
you know, And so Audrely story Man just also just
affirmed my grief journey, and I can't thank her enough
for that. It really made me start thinking about the
ways in which grief changed me for the better or
sometimes for the worst. Like one negative impact was people
(39:23):
pleasing as if I needed help. I was already an
experts and then grief came along and I just felt
like I had to please everyone around me because in
my head, I'm like, they're gonna die any time, Like anytime,
they're going to go so even if they asked me
to do something that I don't want to do, I'm
(39:44):
gonna say yes because they're gonna die anytime, you know
what I mean. And that's ugh. I really had to
snap out of that one with the help of my therapist.
But also what I wanted to touch on and maybe
you can help with this is she did talk about
Warren's classmates having finished high school in the year twenty seventeen.
(40:11):
We are a really huge family here. I'm pretty sure
at least one of us knows somebody from Alliance Boys
who graduated high school in twenty seventeen, and maybe we
can help connect Audrey. Right, So if you do know someone,
maybe what you can do is either dm us on
(40:33):
social media, a member of my team can grab that,
or you can send us an email. If you check
out the show notes, I'll put an email there for
you to reach out to us. Yeah, I think that
would be really nice. Even if we connect Audrey with
this person who was Warren's classmate and she's not ready yet,
(40:56):
I mean, at least we've connected her and when she's ready,
however long it takes, that's still okay, you know, But yeah,
let's try and do that. Let's try and see if
we can figure that out. If this story resonated with
you and you're connected with it, don't forget to subscribe
to this podcast wherever you are listening to it on,
follow us on Instagram and TikTok. Links are in the
(41:18):
show notes. Subscribe to our YouTube channel. It's also linked
in the show notes, and if you'd like to share
your own story, you can fill out the storyteller form.
It's also linked in the show notes. Thank you for
listening to this episode to the very end, and as always,
I truly appreciate you and I know you have everything
it takes to heal. That's it for this episode of
(41:40):
Legally Clueless. You can share this podcast with your friends,
you can keep it for yourself. I'm not judging. Just
make sure you're here next week for the next episode.
My name is a girl on Younger and welcome to
another episode of Legally Clueless. No, seriously, i have no
clue what I'm doing, but I'm pretty sure I'm not
the only one. Hey, you welcome to this episode of
legally Clueless. And this is what's coming up.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
And there were people, believe it or not, that came
up with stories. Do you know people come up with
stories when you lose someone. They were like, oh, no,
she must have sacrificed him, and I'm like, it's my mother.
This woman has gone through hell to even get us
to this point. Oh, she sacrificed our only son. And
other people like, oh, he was in a lane size school.
(00:39):
They are illuminating that school, so they took him. There
were so many wild stories, and I remember that someone
who just came and told me, Audre, you know, maybe
your brother was in a cult. You know, he's a boy,
you know, maybe maybe he went to school and he
wanted money and he got into a cult. Being the
first born child, of course, I had to speak at
my brother's funeral, which is the first time that people
(01:00):
actually realized my mother still ad kids, you know, in
a very wiry, twisted week that is.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
From Part three of Audrey's story, which is the final part.
If you have not listened to part one and part two,
go to the last two episodes so that you're not floating.
But yeah, this is the final part. It's coming up
in a bit. But first and foremost, welcome, Welcome to
the fam. If you're new here. This is Legally Clueless,
a show from Legally Clueless Africa. This is where we
(01:28):
tell powerful African stories. But beyond this podcast, we also
have more shows. On Wednesdays we have the Midwig TI's
and on Thursdays we have for Manneralist Women. I think
the name is very self explanatory. And on Fridays we
have a seasonal show called Aska Therapist. Make sure you
also sign up for our newsletter. It goes out every
(01:50):
single Wednesday. It's my personal note to you every week
to help you on your healing journey, and you can
sign up for it via our website, legally cool Usafrica
dot com. A link to it is in the show notes.
Also in the show notes is where you can find
us on TikTok and Instagram, so make sure you join
our social media family as well. Now, before we get
(02:12):
into today's story, I want to share something that's very
important for me and I think it should be important
to you as well. We are holding our final three
part group therapy of the year. Of course, we're doing
this in partnership with Shamiri Health. Clearly we're all about
your healing here. The theme this time around is childhood trauma,
(02:32):
and we're going to be unpacking how trauma shows up
in adulthood, how it shapes our relationships, our intimate relationships,
our friendships, even which not many people talk about, how
does childhood trauma affect how you relate with others at work?
That part right, and we're also going to be looking
(02:55):
at what are the gentle ways that we can begin
healing those. I like that we're doing this nice and
early before Christmas time, so in case you do spend
Christmas with your family, if there's anyone there who triggers you,
you'll be better equipped to actually enjoy your holidays with
your family. It's being led by three accredited psychologists. I'm
(03:17):
really big on if you are talking about mental health
and mental wellness, can we please get people who have
studied to be able to help us so that it's
really impactful. Right, And it's going to be running on
October eleventh, November the eighth, and December the sixth. Tickets
a fwenty five hundred BOB and that covers all of
(03:38):
the three sessions. It covers your snacks and refreshments for
all three sessions. It covers resources that we're going to
print out and give you to go home with. And honestly,
if you've ever wanted to understand yourself more deeply or
begin healing some of those patterns that you're like, yo,
this is really holding me back. This space is for you. You
(04:00):
do not have to do it alone. It's really powerful
to heal within a community. All the details and the
ticket link are in the show notes, so make sure
you grab your ticket. Ace up because it's group therapy,
it's not a concert, meaning they're very very limited slots.
And shout out to everybody who's already booked their slots already.
I can't wait to meet you. Now let's get into
(04:21):
this episode story, the final part of Audrey's story, right, So,
over the past two episodes, we've journeyed with Audrey. In
part one, she shared about her childhood, the joy, the
cracks in her parents' marriage, and the loneliness of separation.
In part two, she very bravely opened up about the
sudden loss of her brother Warren and the silence that
(04:43):
siblings often sit with when a family is grieving, and
in this final part, Audrey shares how she navigated life
after loss right, so the pain that comes with the burial,
the anger as well, and so much more. The African
stories are legally cueless stories from Africa.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
And we went to the morgue and this guy was like.
We were like, hi, we're here to see why, and
it's like come, come, And he goes there and he
pulls this fridge and my brother is wearing his hood.
They didn't take it off, so it's like he's sleeping. Literally,
he's wearing his jeans and that wood the same way
left home that morning, and I'm just looking. I think
(05:33):
I was just standing there staring at him for a minute,
and I told my sister, it's him. It's like I
was just confirming what I already knew. I was like, ses,
it's him, and that guy was like okay, it's okay,
and I'm like yeah, and he pushes back that refrigerator.
So I think the moment I saw my brother in
that fridge. It's sanky now because now I was from
(05:56):
performing and you know, telling people and just doing all
these crazy things to avoid my real grief. But now
seeing him in that position, it's it was hard. It
was really really hard. You you cannot, you cannot and
see that. You cannot see someone in a refrigerator. And
(06:16):
you know, it wasn't like the normal visiting areas where
they take someone and put them on a stretcher. For you,
it was literally And these guys, you know, moticians, they've
interacted with death so much so it doesn't bother them.
But for me having this person pull this thing and
show me my only brother lying in there, it was
it was terrible. Remember my mom is pregnant. She almost
(06:40):
lost that. Because you you're in pain, you're in grief.
It's crying every single time. And now I made it
my job to be watching my mom. Like if I
see a crying and go there, starts saying something to
distract her. I am not grieving. I'm ensuring everyone else
is not like my mother is. Okay, she almost lost that.
(07:01):
Another thing that I noticed during that period is that
people really diminished my sister and die. It was like
they were telling my mother, we are very sorry for
your loss. You will just get another child. But I'm like,
my mother has children. Why are you guys saying she
will get another child? You know, and no one knew
she was pregnant by them. It's basically me. But it
(07:23):
was like they were saying, you've lost your son. Girls,
these are girl so God is going to give you
another child. And that also, it was so sad because
you're making my mother feel like she has lost everything. Yes,
she has lost everything, but she has two daughters who
are here, you know, who are alive, who also need
(07:46):
someone to tell them everything is going to be. Who
needs someone to confirm to them it is not the
end of the world. But now you're making my mother
feel like, yo, don't worry, God is going to give
you children. And it's like me and my sister we
are not children. You know. She's left with nothing. That
is the thing that I got from that entire period.
(08:07):
And there were people, believe it or not, that came
up with stories. Do you know people come up with
stories when you lose someone. They were like, oh, no,
she must have sacrificed him. I heard that, and I'm like,
it's my mother. This woman has gone through hell to
even get us to this point. How she sacrificed our
(08:27):
on listen and other people like, oh, he was in
a lane size school. They're illuminating that school, so they
took him. There were so many wild stories that was
so wild. I remember and I'm like, and I remember
that someone who just came and told me, Audrey, you know,
maybe your brother was in a cult.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
You know, he's a boy.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
You know, maybe maybe he went to school and he
wanted money and he got into a cult. And in
that moment, I'm like, what are you seeing? This is
a child, This was my brother, someone I played with.
I mean, people are so insensitive in such moments, because
why are you saying that? And why are you saying
it to another child? I mean, why are you talking
(09:09):
about all these things? Someone has lost their loved one.
And then there were some people that made it like
a mockery kind of thing, you know, like, oh, she
was so proud she thought she had reached there, you
know the way they say, and they're like, you know,
now she has nothing, She's back to square one, Like
they were making it look like my mother was proud
(09:30):
that her son is in Alance High School. He's not
proud your son is in Alance High School. But they
making it look like she was seeing herself, you know,
in direct translation. And it was just sad. It is
sad that you're going through something terrible, and instead of
people coming together to like console you, they come up
with stories and they ran wild with these stories and
(09:52):
everything is just like, oh, she did this, she did that.
It was such a tragic, tragic thing. And everybody come
home and you'd say, you know, he was hit by
lightning or she was struck by lightning. They'll be like,
w But you know that is not normal. I don't
want to hear these things that you're seeing that they're
not normal. You know, I've lost someone. I am sad.
(10:15):
I am scared. Oh my god, I was scared. I
was scared of going to bed. And know, when you
hear about death on the news or on your neighbor's place,
it's not hitting you like that. Once death come to
your house, The anxiety of it, the fear my mother
would come home. Every time my mother is very late,
(10:35):
I know she's dead. I mean the last time my
brother was running late, he had died. I became this
person that I would process. Every time my mother picked
a call, I would look at her face. If it
turns even an inch, I'm like, what has happened? Tell
me was died?
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Now?
Speaker 2 (10:50):
It just makes you so vigilant of everything, of every emotion,
of every face that someone has, every call. I think
the calls that were coming through moments after that, I
was just like, someone else is dead. Please don't don't.
Don't tell me someone I love. Anyways, So after fifteen days,
now we go to the mob to get my brother.
(11:13):
Now I have to see him in the suit that
he had told my mommy wanted, but now he's getting
it in a whole different context. That was just a
whole new level of breaking down because now he's in
a suit that I imagined he would be in a suit,
but I didn't see it in this context. And they
bring him home. I think they took him to where
(11:35):
we used to live because of our neighbors. Before we'd
go to our rural home so that my neighbors could
also see him, because you know, we were living in
a small town, so we had like a community of
people who knew him, his friends, our neighbors. You know,
they pole that would send him to the shop. You know,
when you raise a child, your child is for their society.
So people knew him, so it was just a great
idea that, you know, we take him there for viewing
(11:58):
before we go home the following day. No, we took
him home that same day. In our culture, someone goes home,
they're sleeping, and then the birole is the following day.
So the following day Alane's high school. Now bus comes home.
I think that's a whole other level of grief because
now these boys they're here, They've come with their school bus.
(12:23):
My mother was just going crazy. Now, I mean, it's
enough that I've lost the sun, but now we have
a bus full of boys coming to our home, well dressed,
looking like my brother, the same height. Like we could
not just take it, you know, And they came to
our home with a bus with their school bus. They
(12:46):
made this poster thing, like a big one for my bro,
so they came with it and they got out of
their school bus with his metal box, so they were
carrying it while they were marching, and I I did
not like that, knowing that this school that meant so
much to him, that was his life's dream, everything, My
(13:10):
brother ever wanted was what he caught.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
You know.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
Okay, I'm glad he got to experience that before he died,
But why I cut it short? So these boys came home.
They alighted from their bus with my brother's books and
all his belonging schools. Well, they have to bring it home,
and they're like a band. I remember they were marching
and I don't remember the things they were singing, but
(13:36):
they were marching carrying his books, doing all these things
they do in their school. I never thought something would
be worse than that. I think even in my life
(13:56):
right now, I keep referencing to what I want in
that period. I cannot go. There's nothing worse that I
can experience that would be worse than that. And they
were marching and singing, and they brought his cool box
and I remember opening it and just seeing like it's dictionary,
(14:18):
his clothes. It's my brother had like the perfect and writing.
We used to say he writes like a girl, because
it was like the best and writing you've ever seen.
They came with a condolence book and all these classmates
are writing these things. It was tough. It was absolutely tough.
(14:42):
And my mom used to go, I think for me,
I was just looking at it from my mother and
my father's point of view. My brother was my father's
best friend. They were inseparable. They would talk about school things.
I think my brother and my father they were like,
I don't I used to see them as my idols.
(15:02):
They would speak about all these things, all these engineering things.
Just think that I felt was so cool. And I'm
looking at my father and it's just a shell of
a man. He was just sitting there lost.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
My mother.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
You know, the doctors are like, you need to watch
your moaning and your grief because you're a baby as
well that you don't want to lose. Because she almost
toasts that, so he knew it's the boys came to school,
to our home. They were looking so nice, and I
think that's the worst part about it, because you just
know your son is not going to be part of
(15:36):
that again. And when those boys were given a chance
to speak about my brother, and to have to hear
them say these nice things about him, about how they
knew him in ways that I didn't even know, it
just it was even worse. The pain was double the
whole ral. I was just looking at those boys and
I'm like I'm never going to see my brother again,
(16:00):
and it hurt me so much that I had never
gone to school. Okay, we had plans. We were saying,
next year, when you're informed three, we're going to come
to visit you. You know, we had plans. The thing with
death is that it just takes your plans and throws
it out the window. So you have to start with
a new plan, a new plan that involves this person
not being there for the rest of your life. The
(16:22):
boys from my life high school, they were looking so nice,
they were so poised, they were so respectful. They were like,
I was looking at the way they were walking in
a marching like it's like these people they're from another world,
you know, they're so cool, the English they're speaking. I
was looking at them, and I'm like, my brother was
in the best school there is and now he's never
(16:45):
going back to that place. And his teachers they're like,
you know, we're sorry for your loss. Oh my god.
It was It was hectic. I didn't think my parents
would go through that and come out of it. I
thought my brother's days was going to take all of us.
It was just it was the saddest and being the
first born child. Of course, I had to speak at
(17:07):
my brother's funeral, which is the first time that people
actually realized my mother still had kids, you know, in
a very very twisted way, you know, the way they
felt like, oh, that was our only boy, So what
is she going to do? You know, her life is
just over, you know. And then now I was given
(17:27):
a chance to speak, and I did speak, and I
said all these things about my brother, how he was
a wonderful boy, how he taught me how to do things. Okay,
sometimes he made me not do things because I would
not think for myself. I even joked saying that I
used to not think for myself because he knows everything
so well. Would I think if I'm worried about something,
(17:49):
if my phone Sometimes I've even forgotten to just switch
on my phone. But I'm like, this phone is not working,
but it's there to tell me you've not switched it all.
Like it was just someone that was there to guide me.
You know. She was born after me, but I felt
like I went to him for guidance, and so people
were like, wow. So I realized after I spoken on
that funeral, people now are coming to my mom that
(18:11):
don't worry we've seen your daughter. She's very strong and
she's very courageous. You still have someone, you know. Now
the tune has changed and everything, and I'm like, please
let my mother just grieve in peace. Do not make
this thing about what it's not. And because my mother
was pregnant and some of them caught the windows it
(18:32):
or like, you know, maybe God has a plan for you,
Maybe you're going to have another boy and everything will
just be fine. Please, nothing is ever going to be
fine for our family. We've lost everything that we've ever had.
After that time after my brother was married. I remember
(18:52):
during that period, you see the way they do funeral
procession at the grave side. So in our family were Adventists.
Sevent the Adventist I'm not though, and I'll explain why.
So during that period, you know there's the pastor that
does that from art we came something of that sort.
(19:13):
My church was supposed to do that, but apparently they
said they would not because my brother wasn't consistently going
to church. And in my head, I was like, this
is a boy who was studying in Nairobi. Every time
he comes home for half time, it's like a week
and then it's closing day and sometimes he stays with
my aunt. What do you mean it is me that
(19:33):
comes to church, it's my mother that comes to church.
Why why? Why are we arguing on who is going
to do this thing? And is dead either way? And
you know his f his physics teacher, is the person
who did that. He was also the chaplain of their
school during that time. And for me, I was like, no,
I'm gonna tell you this street. I know my parents
(19:55):
are wondering why I'm not an adventist. Maybe they get
to hear it from me that. I was like, I
can never relate to this church anymore because if you
can leave my brother in such a state and stay
and say we cannot do this because he wasn't coming
to church, and yet I was coming to this church,
you could not even do which for me was alive.
(20:17):
I cannot do this anymore. The day my brother was
put in that hole in that box and that was
being thrown on top of his coffee and everything, in
flowers and everything, that's the day I was like, I'm
never going back to this church again. And I told
myself I'm not running away from God, even though I
had a million questions to God. My mother prayed every
(20:37):
night with us. My mother raced us with such struggle.
My father tried everything to pay our school. They were
really really trying to bring us up. Why would you
let him die at this moment when everything was starting
to make sense? You know, my mother just has a job.
My mother worked for two months before my brother died. Literally,
the salary that my brother enjoyed, the one that we
(20:58):
were spending, was like two months to him dying. And
in my head, I was like, God, explain this to me.
Make me understand how you choose who dies and who doesn't.
And then when I heard there were survivors, I'm like, wow,
so you decided these people to survive, but this one
does not, like make me understand. And I was just like, God,
(21:19):
are you seated in heaven with pop coins having a
good time smiling while my life is falling apart. I
had so many questions. I mean, I was so angry
at God, at the world, at every single person. And
so I decided I'm not going to leave God, but
I'm going to leave this church. So from there onwards,
(21:42):
I left it. I was like, no, for who my
brother was, I will stand by him because it didn't
make sense that his physics teacher would do that, but
he did it and it was okay. But they were
supposed to be there for me, for my family, for us.
Why would they say such a thing at such a moment. Yeah,
(22:02):
so my brother got buried and this boy is there
to go back. It was just I cannot bring that
sadness right now, the way it felt. But I feel
it in my bones. You know, the grief feels like
someone is pinching you. You feel it in your bone,
you feel it everywhere. It's everywhere. You can't eat, you
(22:26):
can't sleep. You I used to have dreams of my
brother is back all the time, my brother is back,
But when I wake up in the morning, is not
Back's gold. Apparently someone dies, they're buried. People start going
back to their places. Now you're remaining all by yourself,
and now you're left with their shoe by the corridor.
(22:46):
You're left with their phone, the momentous of them in
the house that you're meeting, and you have to live
with the fact that the owner of this shoe is
no longer here. Literally, even the clothes on the wireline.
You just know that Shirit belongs to so so bad. So,
so he's not here because this death was abrupt. It's
not something you saw coming. And no one sees death coming.
(23:07):
I know that, But this particular one is that this
person woke up in the morning and did not come
back in the evening, and you did not see it coming,
and premonitions are that's a lie because if I had
known the feeling I had of like my lady, the
one that even took medicine for, then I could have
wont my brother not to leave the house. If I'd
(23:28):
known all these feelings that I had, the way I
felt someone was watching me by the dog. But you
cannot associate that feeling with something happening. You cannot. So
in twenty fifteen, twenty seventh of December, he died and
then he was buried on the fifteenth no on the
sixteenth of January twenty sixteen. Now my results were back.
(23:52):
I was going to come to Nairobi for my university education.
I don't feel like I had time to grieve. To
be honest, you know, my mother is here, she's pregnant.
I need to watch her. Then my letter is here.
I need to go to campus. So when I came
to Naerobi. I was like, Audrey, don't ever go to
kick with your town because you know Alliance is in
tiqu So I knew that, and I told myself, I
(24:15):
can never step kick with your town. I came up
with a plan where I wasn't going to grieve or hear.
I was going to avoid triggers because any boy my
brother's age trigger. I see a boy coming, I go
like this. Any person is in a school uniform, that's
a trigger I see coming. I passed the other way round.
(24:38):
So I just found ways in which I was avoiding
anything that could remind me of this person. You know,
I told myself I cannot Every time there was news
on TV and they said, you know Alance, oh shoe,
I switch it off immediately. I don't want to see anything.
I don't want to read the word a lands on anything.
Even there's like a Lance driving school. You know, there's
so many words that come with the lions. I don't
(24:59):
know Allance grew. I see a lane, I switch it off.
I see any person in a green sweater, ooh, I
don't want to look. So after some time, I think
you sit with your grief and you start to open
up for me. It did not happen when my brother died.
(25:19):
That is one thing I just have to agree. I
did not grieve it in that moment. I did it
slowly because it's not linear. It's not a street line
that you know, this happens, you heal, you become better.
The days like today that I still feel so sad
about it, I will be okay again for a month
and then I'll remember it and it's just like it's
(25:39):
going up and it's going down. Sometimes it's okay, sometimes
it's not. It's been ten years, but that feeling it's fresh,
like it's happening right now, Like I can't channel the anxiety,
the fear, the everything. I can channel it right now.
So I didn't want to go to kick Wool for
a very long time. So one day I'm in my
(26:01):
house and I'm like, you need to go to Kiquu
because you're avoiding your triggers. And it's because of this
podcast that I learned I even have trauma. I didn't
even know how trauma. And my Monther's like, I mean,
I did not think that. So listening to this podcast
for a long time, I started realizing realizing I have
(26:24):
trauma and I also learned from this podcast that the
way to deal with your traumas is to face them,
not to like you see it coming and you go
the other way. You're not healing. You're avoiding triggers is
not healing. It means the day you're faced without trauma,
you're going to fall either way. So this particular day
(26:44):
I tell myself, I think it was two years ago,
I was like, Audrey, you need to go to Giquo Town.
You cannot avoid Cquo Town. And I've been in this
city from like twenty sixteen when I came for campus
for my university education. So you know, I was just like,
I don't know what will happen if I go to Kickoo.
By then, my heart was beating so fast. I was
(27:06):
sure if I go to Wreckul, I was going to die.
I don't know. I just felt like the moment I
step into Reque Town, I'm going to lose it. So anyway,
I get into a matchurch when I go to quote Ton,
because I go to see Teram Church. So there's a
Sittam church in Kiku. So I was like, you just go.
So I go to church and everything is fine. Apparently
I don't even see Alon's High School by the road
(27:26):
the way I thought, if I go to Gickulu, our
lines will be staring at me on the face. So
I don't see anything. But when I'm coming back from church,
I notice there's a school bus in that town, and
I tell myself, this school bus it is for Alliance boys.
I know it in my heart. So I start walking
very first. I'm telling myself, God, let me not see
(27:46):
any boy from that school. Guess what. There are two
boys in church and I just come face to face
with them.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
Do you know.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
I had like this hype of ventilation, like I can't breathe. Literally,
I'm anxious. I'm like trapped. It's like I was avoiding
this thing and it's right on my face. So I
make about and I'm walking very first. I'm like, I
don't want to see them. I don't want to see them.
I door and to see them, and so I was
(28:15):
going back to take my match at and go back home.
That's when when I'm crossing the road, this school bus
is coming.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
I know.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
I can feel it's coming behind. You know when a
vehicle is coming behind you, And I know at some
point it will pass me, and I don't want to
read that, just as basic as that, I don't want
to read the Land's High School on that school bus.
I know if I do, it's the end of me
that passed me. And I looked at those boys on
that window and just tears were coming down. But that
(28:44):
was the first day, after such a long time, that
I had faced what had been so afraid of. I
thought I was going to die, But of course I
didn't die. Yes, I felt all these emotions. Yes, I
was like perventilating, and I was trembling and I was
shaking king, but I felt like, wow, so it's actually doable.
I can look at these boys and not go crazy.
(29:07):
There's nothing wrong. I mean, I can actually survive this.
And that was my first step to deciding I'm going
to heal from I can't heal from this, but I'm
going to face this. I'm going to face this head on.
I'm yet to go to a lane size school, to
be honest, It's in my plan, it's in my bucket list.
I tell myself every day that one of these days
(29:30):
I will go up to that school just to see
it from his eyes, because I've never seen it. I'm
afraid of seeing it up close, because I don't know
how I feel about that. To know that I'm stepping
on the ground is step one to know that maybe
I'm working on a pavement that I walked on. So
I'm not there yet, but it is a plan in
(29:51):
my head that in this healing journey of mine, the
way we had planned ten years ago, that I would
go visit him. I will go visit that school. I
don't know if they remember him, if there are records
of him, I'm not sure, and I'm not sure if
there is maybe an old boy listening to this podcast
right now, because I would also want to be someone
(30:12):
that was in class with my brother, to just experience
someone else who knew him in that setting of his school,
of who he was as a boy in that school,
you know, his dreams from someone else's perspective, you know.
And I tell myself that I'll go there and I'll
say hi to the principle of that school, and I'd
(30:32):
be like, tell me, if you guys have a record
of this boy, just so that I'm in that place
that he was in. I feel like that I'm not
sure it's going to solve anything, but deep down in
my mind I've made it something that I need to do.
I don't have a timeline on when I'm going to
do it, but I just want to walk in there
(30:52):
feel the way he felt to be there, to see
the place that I loved so much. To just be
in a place that, because I feel that will really
unlock my healing and my you know, just moving on
from this. I cannot completely move on from it, because
it's going to be a part of me forever. Unfortunately,
(31:14):
grief is the cost of love. Once you love someone,
there's a possibility of losing them, and when you do that,
you go through this again. But I would want to
experience what made him so happy, Our lands made him
so happy, and having you know, to see it get
cut short because he was going to be informed in
(31:36):
twenty seventeen. Now, no, in twenty sixteen. The boys that
he was with would have finished their form for in
twenty seventeen. I would really really love to just go
there to experience that, to just know he might have
not finished school here, but he belonged with this boys.
(31:57):
He bragged about their school. He said such wonderful things.
I don't know. They call themselves the bush guys or whatever.
It's not accurate from what I recalled, but it would
brag about their school, about the things they do, about
what they eat, where they shower. That school meant everything
for him, and I would just want to experience that.
(32:18):
So my mother had a girl, not the way people expected,
but she had a girl. That girl was the lifeline
of our family because now there was a baby at home.
We had to focus on the baby. There's no time
to mourn again. I mean, I have to make sure
my mother's eating, that the baby's taken care of. And
(32:41):
she was like a rainbow, you know, after this storm,
after this terrible, terrible time, and then now we have
a baby girl at home that we're caring for. Me
and my sister. We were just all over her. You know.
It was like a distraction from all this that has happened.
You have something else to focus. And you know, people
are like, oh, oops, it's not a boy, but don't worry.
(33:04):
God will bring a boy. You cannot believe that the
society right now is not even that progressive. You know,
there's still that thing of you don't have a boy,
well you might as well not have a child. But
they're not saying it loudly, but you can't tell. So,
I mean we would, we would have dreams of my
brother say, you know, I'm gonna come back. You guys,
(33:25):
don't worry, don't worry. And so like four years ago
my mum had a boy. I know, I know it
was like I think my mom was like, I don't know,
forty two when she had this other boy, and it
was it was like a miracle sorrow. And I would
think of the times I woul dream of my brother saying, Yo,
(33:46):
I'm gonna be back, and then out of nowhere, my
mom is pregnant again. It's even it's biologically complicated a bit.
I mean, it's not an heard of a woman to
get pregnant at that age. But it was not something
we like for her. She had already accepted that my
only son is calling. But now we have another boy
(34:07):
and is the exact copy of my brother. Like they
look the same, they laugh the same, do they do
things the same. It's just as cheky as he was.
And sometimes I'm like, it's reincarnational thing. I mean, sometimes
I play with the idea of could this be a reincarnation,
you know, could like there's so much resemblance I mean,
(34:28):
they're born of the same people. But you like, if
he said he was gonna come back, could it be
that is pack And so it makes me feel like
one day I will have a chance to see my
brother as a teenager, even though I didn't get a
chance to see him when I saw him as a teenager,
but not much of it that maybe life is giving
(34:50):
me another chance to get to see him. Because the
more this boy is growing, I'm like, this is the
same person. And you can tell from his laughter, from
the things he's doing, from how sharpy is, like, bro,
he knows so much even at a young age, And
I'm like, I couldn't be more grateful to have this
boy because he has healed my mother in a way,
(35:12):
not completely, but my mother has a reason to be
happy again. You know. Yes, she was fine with us.
My mother is very progressive, very well educated, and she
is not backward like the people that were making all
this comments. She was like, have girls, fine, My girls
can still do whatever you guys think my boy was
gonna do. But having this boy has brought light and
(35:36):
hope and all these things in our lives. And it's
just a whole different thing now. And I cannot wait
for him to grow because I'm like, life is giving
me a chance to experience what was youngked away from me.
It's not going to happen right now. By the time
he's like fifteen, now, will I be It's it's the
whole thing. But I cannot wait for that time to
(36:00):
get to see him, to get to experience him, and
the moment that I'm worried that I'm forgetting my brother's
voice because I'm like, I sit in a room and
I'm like, I want to channel his laughter, you know,
and I feel so pissed off that that laughter is
fading away. You know, people don't tell you that when
you're grieving, you feel so guilty that what if in
(36:21):
twenty years, I cannot clearly remember this person's face. You
know they're pictures, yes, but you want that internal one,
the one that your brain conjours. What if I get
to a point where I cannot remember how he looked
like and my brother had like this toothy green like
you would smile with this and you could see all
(36:41):
this did when he's smiling and he had this laughter
that I can channel it even right now, and I
can hear it, and I don't want to forget it,
and having my brother and hear him if I hear
him laugh and I can feel yes, now that is
his laugh. I'm like, wow, thank you, thank you for
coming back. I don't know how afterworld works. I don't
(37:05):
know what happens when you die, but I'm always like,
thank you for coming back, thank you for coming back,
you know whatever, you've come back, and thank you for
being with me because I know, I know, I know
he's with me. I cannot explaining, but I know he's
with me. So yeah, that is my story.
Speaker 1 (37:26):
Catch more African stories in the next episode of Legally Cues.
That was the final part of Audrey's story, and if
you want to connect with her, we put a link
to her socials in the show notes. And her honesty
and just the clarity she has on her story and
her healing journey is so incredible to hear. Honestly, for
(37:50):
the first three episodes, that's what has really stood out
to me. Man. She really just also reminded me how grief, man,
it doesn't follow a straight line. You know, it rises,
it falls, and sometimes even so many years later, it
can feel so fresh. In fact, I was just watching
(38:12):
a video by this UK artist who lost her father
in twenty twenty and then the last year lost her granddad,
and she was talking about how, you know, people like
to say that it gets better with time. I really
don't think it does, especially like my journey with grieving
my mom. So what this UK artist was saying is
(38:34):
what she finds is there is more of like a
longer gap in between the heavy triggering moments. They're not
every day or every week now, it's maybe three weeks
apart or one month apart or three months apart. And
I was like, actually, that's so true. But when they come,
it doesn't come with a lesser intensity. It's still hella heavy,
(39:00):
you know, And so Audrely story Man just also just
affirmed my grief journey, and I can't thank her enough
for that. It really made me start thinking about the
ways in which grief changed me for the better or
sometimes for the worst. Like one negative impact was people
(39:23):
pleasing as if I needed help. I was already an
experts and then grief came along and I just felt
like I had to please everyone around me because in
my head, I'm like, they're gonna die any time, Like anytime,
they're going to go so even if they asked me
to do something that I don't want to do, I'm
(39:44):
gonna say yes because they're gonna die anytime, you know
what I mean. And that's ugh. I really had to
snap out of that one with the help of my therapist.
But also what I wanted to touch on and maybe
you can help with this is she did talk about
Warren's classmates having finished high school in the year twenty seventeen.
(40:11):
We are a really huge family here. I'm pretty sure
at least one of us knows somebody from Alliance Boys
who graduated high school in twenty seventeen, and maybe we
can help connect Audrey. Right, So if you do know someone,
maybe what you can do is either dm us on
(40:33):
social media, a member of my team can grab that,
or you can send us an email. If you check
out the show notes, I'll put an email there for
you to reach out to us. Yeah, I think that
would be really nice. Even if we connect Audrey with
this person who was Warren's classmate and she's not ready yet,
(40:56):
I mean, at least we've connected her and when she's ready,
however long it takes, that's still okay, you know, But yeah,
let's try and do that. Let's try and see if
we can figure that out. If this story resonated with
you and you're connected with it, don't forget to subscribe
to this podcast wherever you are listening to it on,
follow us on Instagram and TikTok. Links are in the
(41:18):
show notes. Subscribe to our YouTube channel. It's also linked
in the show notes, and if you'd like to share
your own story, you can fill out the storyteller form.
It's also linked in the show notes. Thank you for
listening to this episode to the very end, and as always,
I truly appreciate you and I know you have everything
it takes to heal. That's it for this episode of
(41:40):
Legally Clueless. You can share this podcast with your friends,
you can keep it for yourself. I'm not judging. Just
make sure you're here next week for the next episode.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist
It’s 1996 in rural North Carolina, and an oddball crew makes history when they pull off America’s third largest cash heist. But it’s all downhill from there. Join host Johnny Knoxville as he unspools a wild and woolly tale about a group of regular ‘ol folks who risked it all for a chance at a better life. CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist answers the question: what would you do with 17.3 million dollars? The answer includes diamond rings, mansions, velvet Elvis paintings, plus a run for the border, murder-for-hire-plots, and FBI busts.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com