October 5, 2025 • 51 mins
Part 2 of this series follows a Brenda, deepening her path toward a childfree life; from navigating painful periods and stigma around tampons, to learning contraception, witnessing friends’ very different pregnancy choices, facing healthcare gatekeeping around permanent options, and finally finding language and courage through a childfree community.
In this episode:
Group Therapy (3-Part Series) on Childhood Trauma.
Ticket portal closes Thursday (Oct 9).
New episodes every Monday.
In this episode:
- Body literacy over pain and shame
- Tampon myths, contraception, and informed choice
- Abortion, pregnancy in school, and compassion
- Healthcare gatekeeping vs. consent-centered care
- Community as mirror: “I’m not alone”
Group Therapy (3-Part Series) on Childhood Trauma.
Ticket portal closes Thursday (Oct 9).
- We’ll explore: Signs of childhood wounds, how they show up in adulthood, trauma responses & coping, trauma bonds, healing your inner child, and more.
- Facilitators: Symon Murage, Margaret Wachira, Catherine Njoroge
- Dates: Oct 11, Nov 8, Dec 6 (Saturdays)
- Time: 10:00 AM – 2:00 PM (EAT)
- Cost: KES 4,500 for all three sessions (limited slots)
- Register: https://legallycluelessafrica.hustlesasa.shop/?product=68543
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- Share your story: forms.gle/kMn7Wae5N563JFGQ8
New episodes every Monday.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
My name is adelea on Youngle and welcome to another
episode of Legally Clueless. No, seriously, i have no clue
what I'm doing, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the
only one. Hey you welcome to episode three hundred and
forty six of Legally Clueless. And this is what's coming up.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
But then I had a problem with pads. Oh my god,
I have sensitive skin, and my skin and pads never
agreed and it was excruciating, and I would get this
rash and I'm like, what is this. I remember once
I was in a supermarket line and I'm carrying my
temple and I'm going to pay and this woman stops me.
(00:40):
At this point, I was fourteen and in high school
and she stops me and she's like, what are those?
And she called me loose. And now, unfortunately, I had
a friend who got pregnant and she chose to have
an abortion.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
That is part two of Brenda's story, which we're going
to get into in just a bit. The first, thank
you so much for being part of this community and
this family. If you're an OG member, you know you
are deeply appreciated. And if this is your first time,
welcome to the Family audio episodes of this particular show
God Every single Monday. On Wednesdays, we have two things.
(01:16):
We have the Midwiek Ties Show, which is me just
sharing things that could be of use as you seek
freedom and seek your higher self. And you also get
an incredible letter from me. All you have to do
is sign up for our newsletter. A link is in
the show notes. And on Thursdays you get episodes of
for Manderalist Women, our brand new show that is raising
(01:39):
a new generation of shame free women. And on Fridays
is going to make a comeback really soon, we have
a seasonal show called Ask a Therapist where you get
to ask accredited, skilled, incredible African practitioners questions to do
with your individual healing journey. Yeah, so this sounds like
(01:59):
a pretty dope family to be in, so welcome. Make
sure you also subscribe to our YouTube channel links in
the show notes, and if you dig social media, you
can find us on Instagram and on TikTok at legally
Clueless Africa. Before we dive into part two of Brenda's story,
just a quick update for all family members. We are
(02:21):
hosting our three part group therapy series. We do this
all at a time, and we're doing this with Shamiri Health.
This time around, we're focused on childhood trauma. The ticket
portal closes this Thursday, the ninth of October is officially
the last day for you to grab your ticket. Now,
over three Saturdays, which is October eleventh, November eighth, and
(02:43):
December sixth, we are going to be alongside the very
skilled psychologists from Shamiri Health. We're going to be unpacking
signs he may be carrying childhood wounds, understanding what exactly
is childhood trauma right? How is it showing up in
my adulthood? What trauma responses am I having? And what
copy mechanisms am I employing? Are they healthy? Are they not?
(03:05):
What in the world is a trauma bond? How do
I identify it? And the patterns that are keeping me stuck?
How do we heal your inner child? Whether the practical
tools you can start using today. All of the three
sessions will start from ten am to two pm and
once you grab your ticket, which is four thy five hundred,
(03:26):
this covers all three sessions, all refreshments at the three sessions,
and any notes or activities or resources that the psychologists
may print out for you to grab your ticket though,
check out a link in the show notes, or just
go to Hustlesassa or to our website legally Clueless Africa
(03:46):
dot com check out the events tab. But don't forget
to sign up before the portal closes, because we're not
going to be opening it after Thursday. This incredible opportunity
will have passed you by. All right, today's part two
you of our ongoing story from Brenda. Just a bit
of a recap And in case you haven't listened to Patfolan,
please just go back because you will be floating. But
(04:09):
in case you did, and you for good and slightly so.
We met Brenda last week. She grew up in Maru,
surrounded by a huge close knits community and family, and she,
at a very young age, had begun questioning the prescribed
womanhood that assumed that motherhood is every woman's destiny. Now,
in part two, we follow how that questioning meets real
(04:32):
life when we're talking about painful periods, tampons, contraception, abortion,
and trying to find a child free community in Kenya.
One hundred African stories are Legally Clueless Stories from Africa.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
So the first three months were breeding that's it. I
didn't feel anything, and I had a problem with pads.
Oh my god. No one said that I have sensitive
skin and my skin and pads never agreed, and it
was excruciating, and I would get this ration. I'm like,
(05:15):
what is this? So I want that first month thinking
what but they never said anything that a pad could
be bad for you. The reading came through again. I
remember thinking, you know what, I this cannot be it
because we had two options. We had pads and we
had the tiny pads that you're supposed to use like
(05:36):
on your later days antiliners. So we only add two options.
You could either use a pad or antiliners. Thinking okay,
so a pad is bad, so I'm going to use
a pantiliner. But then by the time I get I
was tool had a really big compound, so they lose
would be well like at the corner of school compound.
(05:58):
Then the classes were like at the middle, but at
the central middle that is that you have to walk.
So by the time I got from the loo to class,
I'm like, I need to go back and change what
you so apartilina is not working, and I was so miserable,
but thinking what they said I would become a woman
(06:21):
and I would be so happy and this is what
I should be. I mean, so why is it this hard?
And why is it suffering in a way? And the
reading came through. So one Saturday, I'm just reading the
Saturday magazine. I can but that magazine was I don't
(06:41):
know why nowadays it doesn't look the same anyway, That's
Saturday magazine was top tier. I will give them like
ten out of ten. Anyway, So they had a story
about a company that was producing manstrol cups. They were
called Ruby cups, and that story explained and I was like, oh,
(07:03):
so they did not mention that there are other options
to pads, but however they are messtro cups. And then
I went and I googled, and well, one menstock cup
at the time was one thousand, eight hundred. I remember thinking,
how am I going home to explain this to my
mom and dad? Why I need one thousand eight hundred
(07:24):
for a pad equivalent? I mean, yes, they're saying it's
going to last for ten years, but how do I
explain needing one thousand, eight hundred when pads were one
forty shoe links for the Big Park that used to
come with, I guess pads for the entire month or
that cycle that month. So I was like, that is
not going to work. But then in my mind, I'm like, okay,
(07:45):
so the way we have soap, we have basap, we
have or more we have jick and other things. Then
it implies that if they are pads and their menstruck cups,
there might be something else. I don't remember exactly what
I searched, but tampons came up, and I was like,
ah see, and how much are they? Again, pads were
(08:09):
one footable, but I think tampons at the time were
like one eighty. Like this is it? This is it.
But at that time we were home for the holiday
and I was like, this is it. So I don't
even remember what excuse I gave, but I gave an excuse,
and I had some extra pocket money and I went
to town and from our home to Marror town, it's
(08:33):
not far, and I went to We had only one
supermarket in Merror at the time, and thank god, they
had tampons. And I went into the and they used
to there are those days they were to put them
behind a counter, like you're going to steal them or something.
So every time you want one, you're going to ask somebody. Anyway,
I went to that one and I was like, I
want tampons. And I had also done my research into knowing,
(08:58):
so there are different sizes, so supposed to start from
the smallest and then go up in case you need it.
If your flow is heavier, it is it. So I
was like, yes, I want the smallest packet, and they
gave it to me. I paid and I went home.
I wasn't on my period, but I was like, I
need practice. So I had read so many things what
(09:19):
to do, how to insert one every so I went
and tried it and I couldn't believe it. It was
literally like someone had offered me a miracle. I was like,
I have suffered and now this thing, I can't even
feel it. I spent that day sprinting, squatting, bending over,
climbing a tree, rolling on my belly, anything that I
(09:43):
could think of doing, I did it because I was like,
oh no, Like I sit down, I can't feel it.
I jump, I cannot feel it, And you mean I
am going to be this comfortable for my period next time?
And I was. I was so happy. I was so happy.
You can imagine the looks and the beliefs that people
have going again to raising girls and raising them in
(10:07):
the environment that I was raised, and also in church,
there is a very I don't even want to call
it an undercurrent because it's not that, because it's spoken
and explicity spoken that your value is in keeping your
legs closed. You want to keep your virginity for your husband,
your marriage. When you do it, God is going to
(10:28):
reward you with a good husband. You're going to be
married for seventy years, You're going to have godly children.
It is it. And even if it's aspar you can't
have sex or you shouldn't have sex. Using tampons was
almost taken to be that because I would remember once
(10:49):
I was in a supermarket line and I'm carrying my
temple and I'm going to pay, and this woman stops me.
At this point, I was fourteen and in high school
and she stops me and she's like, what are those?
And you know, while I was turn now bayer as
in you're the bad girls, and she called me loose,
and I'm like, I have never I have never even
(11:12):
thought of, you know, a man in that sense. I
don't even think then attraction to boys are born. To me,
it hadn't. And this woman, I'm like, what, but why,
I mean, it's tampons, It's that. And then also now
in high school, one of my classmates told a teacher
(11:34):
that I was using tempos because it was a thing.
I was in a school of like seven hundred girls,
and I was the only one who was using tampons,
and everyone knew because everyone made that glut. To the teacher.
We were sharing a cube, that's what we'd call it.
It was like partitioned, and there was four of us
would sleep in the same little doom within the big dom,
(11:54):
so it was a cube. And she told the teacher,
and the teacher was had the same reaction as that
woman in the supermarket. She first told the girl who
told her that I was bad. She shouldn't do that.
It was bad manners, as they would call it. And
then later she asked me, I'm like, but I'm not
(12:14):
doing anything wrong. Pads are excruciating. I cannot stand them,
so why shouldn't I be comfortable? So, yeah, I was
the bad one for using tampons, And to date, I
don't get it, but I mean they say that, you know,
I was too young to use them. I should have
waited until I had given bath. You know, I am
(12:37):
preserving myself for my husband. I'm like, goodness. We started
swimming now in school, and I guess we grew older
and got two from two from three, and I guess
the girls were feeling a little rebellious or something. Everyone
wanted to try them, to a point where I would
carry an extra pack just for passing it around in
class or in my dorm so that people would go
(12:59):
and try a tampon. That was fun. That was fun,
and we would sit down and I would explain to whether
this is how insight it when you're working or whatever
you do, you're not supposed to feel it. That's how
you know it's in the right place. So now I
was having my period, so I knew I am not infatile,
or I assumed, because at the time I didn't know
(13:20):
that infertility is more complex than just not having a
period or having a period, because they are women or
enough women who have had a period when they should
have aid it, and how they should have aid it,
and they are for whatever reason or not able to
have children without assistant So I just in my mind,
I was like Okay, So now I have a period
(13:41):
and then I'm going to have children, So how am
I going to prevent it? So even if in high
school or at that point I decided, okay, I can
have one, I was like, I need to have one
when I'm ready. I need to have one when I'm sure.
I cannot do this thing of waking up one day
and I'm pregnant. Now going back to reading, I say
(14:02):
people should should let their children read as much as possible.
And I'd read a story book. It was got Mills
and Boons I think, or Mill and Boons books. There
were little romance stories that you used to read. In
high school. We'd read like three in a day, would
wake up for prep and not read a thing that
we would be tested for an example, we would be
(14:24):
passing around novels in class for whatever ReSm. So this
woman was telling a friend that you cannot have careless
sex and expect not to be pregnant in the book,
and the way you make sure that you will not
be pregnant is you use two methods of contraception at
every turn. I was like, huh, I think that was
(14:44):
the first time that contraception was ever introduced. To me,
and because every other time people are like, if you
don't want to get pregnant, don't have sex. They never
said that you could have sex without getting pregnant. I
was like, oh, that's interesting. Okay, so you're saying I
could have sex, but also there's a way to have
(15:06):
sex and not get pregnant. That's interesting. And to make
it so whatever that contraception is, I need to be
using two methods at the same time. Got it. So
I went Now, I did my own research, and I
was like, okay. So in the book that woman had
said specifically that the friend needs to get on pills
and make sure that the man uses a condom. So
(15:27):
I was like okay. So I went to research and
I'm like, ah, so they are pills and their other
things that you could use that in that category, and
their condoms tick that is understood. And also there was
a biologic class I remember where our teacher mentioned contraception.
(15:48):
He like came through it, but the book had information.
So I read one and I'm like, hmmm, so they
are pills, the injections there, implants, there other things. I
was like, okay, I'll keep that in mind. And so
now we're coming to university. And I came to university
in Naiubi, and in my mind, I'm like, oh, okay,
(16:13):
so the book said, and also my research said to protections,
like got that. But also I don't remember at which
point the conversation about abortion was introduced, but it was
and I feel like this might have been high school
because it was introduced in the way of some women
(16:37):
are careless and they're evil and definitely sinful because they
go have sex when they're not with their husband and
then they get pregnant. As a consequence, they get a
pregnancy out of it, and they don't want to keep
that child, so they kill it. And in killing it,
that is what is an abortion. So at the back
(16:59):
of my mind, I still understood that I could do
all these things, the two protections that I had read about,
but as well, in case I didn't want it, I
could be extra sinfluent get an abortion. So that I understood.
So I come to university and yeah, people are having sex,
(17:20):
and now, unfortunately I had a friend who got pregnant
and she chose to have an abortion. And in my mind,
you see the way people talked about it before, like
it's you're avoiding responsibility because you seinned, but then you
want to see extra so that you can have an abortion.
(17:42):
In my mind, an abortion is or was you take
a pill and then you are unpregnant, just like that.
So this friend who decided to have an abortion, now,
fortunately she did have access to medical care during that time,
so she was given the meds that she needed and
instructions and also care with a nurse. Was that? But
(18:05):
then I remember she was in so much pain. I
remember thinking I have never seen something like that. She
was vomiting, she was bleeding to a point where a
pad couldn't hold it. I remember thinking, what the you know,
what or earth is that? And in that moment I
(18:26):
knew for a fact that I did not want to
ever get pregnant ever ever, everwhere I do love to
resort to that because it was a very traumatizing way
of experiencing an abortion, even when it was not mine.
I remember thinking they cannot be When they told us
about this, they made it sound like you just lick panadle,
(18:51):
you just swallow it. A few minutes, your headache is gone.
I would have thought so, but then this is not that.
So I remember thinking, no, you remember those two prot no,
I am going to work on that because there is
no way. Now. Remember but I was planning in my
mind from high school for having one baby because my
mom wants a baby and I should definitely do it,
(19:12):
because I am crazy for thinking that I shouldn't have children.
So now another friend got pregnant. She chose to keep
the baby, but then her family did not support her.
She was in a robie. They were in her shugs
and they were like, no, you will not bring that
baby here. No one is going to support you in
(19:33):
your carelessness. You're going to figure it out. And so
figuring it out is us, the friends. So she had
a baby on a Sunday. We were starting exams on
a Tuesday. Now, fortunately, before that friend, she had what
people would call an easy pregnancy, with the exception of
the baby growing, you wouldn't have known that she was pregnant.
(19:55):
She didn't have morning sickness, she wasn't sick. And also
then we didn't have the knowledge that someone needed to
be in the care of a doctor or another health
practitioner during a pregnancy, so she didn't take any vitamins
or any supplements. He was just pregnant, and for she
didn't go home for that time because when she went
(20:18):
home and told them, she wasn't showing yet. So they
were like, no, you're not going to be involved in this.
You're going to go back and look for that man.
And the man in question of the boy, because he
was our age as well, wasn't really interested in becoming
a father. So she came back to Nairobi and we
were like, okay, we're going to figure it out, I think,
(20:39):
And she was just pregnant like that for the entire
nine months or however long it was because we never
counted weeks. We didn't know we were supposed to. We
did concentrate enough, I guess to really find out. And
also we were in denial, including her. We were like, well,
this cannot be happening, but it is happening, so now
(21:00):
what do we do. She gave birth in Bagathi and
she literally because we were living in a different hostel.
She was in a different one, we were in another one.
She just called and she was like, oh, I had
the baby and they're releasing me from the hospital today.
(21:21):
To were like when did you have the baby? She
was like today, like this morning, like and they're saying
you're coming home this morning like yes to wear because
you really can't bring a baby to a university hostel.
You can't. They won't let you. So we were like, oh,
I guess we need to figure it out. And she
(21:42):
rented out a room. There was a place behind Technical
University of Kenya where they were my body houses. Now
they were demolished by railways, but back then they were
there and that's what she could afford. And so that's
why she rented a room. And one of her aunties,
(22:02):
I guess, knew what she would be going through, so
she came to Nairobi to help. But then she made
it clear that my friend was going to carry the burden.
So what we used to do we used to hold
the baby. She goes and does the exam, She comes back,
she holds the baby. I go and do my exam.
I come back, or another friends come back until we
(22:25):
were done. And that is the very first time I
ever took care of a newborn. And that is the
first time I remember. It's thinking in this is what
being a mother looks like. And I remember thinking that
baby I was talking about by the way, I lied, No,
(22:45):
I am not going to have one. I am not
going to have one. No, thank you very much because
what and I would say the baby was very easy.
He did not cry, he did not sleep, he didn't
do anything that would have said was extra stressful. But
I think the situation in itself was crazy. I remember
(23:09):
holding him and thinking, there's no way. There is no way,
and that's when it occurred to me that I could
not have a child for someone else. There was no way.
I either would want it for myself and wanted really
really bad or nothing. And that's the time I was like,
(23:30):
I'm going to find a way to explain it to
my mother, but I am not going to have a child.
I am not. Anyway. We survived. He's grown now, so
we survived. I remember after that we went home and
that was the first time I went and tried to
have a conversation with my mom about not having children,
(23:53):
and I was like, you know, and I don't even
remember how I started, but I was like, I think
I'm going to have children, and she had the reaction
you can imagine. She was like, do not say that.
How can you say that? You don't know what you're
talking about. And I'm like, but I know, I am
telling you. I do not want to have children, and
(24:15):
she didn't take me seriously. She got mad as well,
so I was like, I guess I'm going to back
off because I don't want to fight. Also, she told
me that I was going to change my mind, and
she insisted that I was going to change my mind.
And going back to that when I was a teenager,
I told my I think a teacher in high school
actually who have said that the period pain I was
(24:37):
having was a blessing because I know I'm going to
have children. And gone to her and I'm like, I'm
not feeling well. My back is aching and I really
have bad crumbs and you know, I was complaining. She's like, no,
I you you're not supposed to complain or cry too much.
You know, it's a blessing for you as in this pain,
you know you're actually going to have children. And I
was like, no, I'm not. What are you like? I
(24:59):
am not? And she was like, you're going to change
your mind. And that's the first time I asked someone
And I'm like, so, when do you think I'm going
to change my mind? And she said like, by the
time you're twenty five, you will. You will have changed
your mind. I was like, ah, by the time I
was twenty five, Okay, twenty five, it is so all
this time I'm carrying that at the back of my head,
and now in campus I'm thinking, so I'm supposed to
(25:23):
change my mind by the time I'm twenty five, Like, okay,
that works. I'm going to wait until I'm twenty five
to make a decision about this, because clearly I'm going
to change my mind. So now, when I told my
mom about it, and she was insisting I'm going to
change my mind, at the back of my mind, I
was like, Okay, perhaps the other point. I mean, they
have lived a longer life than I have, and they
(25:44):
have experienced things that I have not, So yeah, I
guess they might be right. I would change my mind.
So we finished campus and hm, I don't remember at
what point, No, actually I do. The first it wasn't
an internship. We used to do an attachment where a
(26:06):
semister out of your It was for fear. You would
go outside and work in an industry or whatever course
that you were doing, whatever employer was in line with that,
you would go work there. It was for free and
it was taken as part of classes. But you go
and work in a way to see what working would
(26:29):
do would look like in your area. So I went
for that, and that's the first time someone talked about
medical insurance, and specifically it was an HIF. They gave
us a pamphlet for NHIF this is the cover you
would get, and we needed to go and pay so
that we had insurance cover for the duration of that attachment.
(26:51):
And so I went and they gave me the hamblet
and I'm like, oh, okay, so they cover whatever they
were covering in patient out patient to choose your hospital,
la la la. And somewhere there was something about contraceptives.
I remember ANTIF did not cover contraceptives. It said specifically
that they don't cover that. But then they said that
(27:14):
they covered sterilization if someone was forty three years old
or they had for children, and I remember thinking, oh,
what sterilization you said as usual, I went and did
my own research and searched for what exactly they meant
by that, and they meant tubal ligation. So I was like, oh,
so they think about taking out my uterus and giving
(27:35):
it to another woman. Okay, So now there's another procedure
that would act as contraception that it's a surgery and
they're going to cut my tubes. At that point, I
thought they're just going to cut them, So I'm like, ah, okay,
perhaps I should aim for that. So I actually did
actually research how much money it would cost out of pocket,
(27:55):
and I remember somewhere I said one forty three thousand,
and I'm thinking, well, now that am I going to
be twenty forty three thousand? But I'm going to get
it somehow. But then I also knew at the back
of my mind, I'm not going to do it before
I'm twenty five, because supposedly I am going to change
my mind. And so we went to our attachments, came back,
finished up our schooling, and I got an internship. This
(28:17):
internship was paying twenty three thousand, and I'm thinking, so
twenty three thousand becoming one forty three and I also
have living expenses and a few things to do, and
that I'm never going to afford this. I checked other
insurances and they were not really covering it. Most of
them were like, this is unnecessary, this is elective, therefore
(28:37):
it's not important. So I was like, okay, so I'm
somehow not going to afford it. But oh, well, I
didn't think much about that. So I went to that
internship and that was the first time that I met
another person who didn't want to have children. And this
time around, they were not young like me. He was
a grown man. He was in his forty conversation about children.
(29:01):
I have found, you know, the places I've worked so far,
they always come up. And I was new you in
that place. It was literally my first week, and I
had my desk and you were seated opposite of me.
And it was in the morning, people having breakfast and
bunter and you know, catching up, and children came up.
Someone else was making fun of him, telling another person
(29:24):
I'm away Kama Nannie that you don't want children like
you want to talk like so and so that you
don't want children. He spoke up and he was like, ah,
I don't think they're important for life. I don't think
that's the only way to live a life. And I
remember turning and looking at him, and the way I
looked at him. The rest of the people thought that
I was also disagreeing, that I was looking at him
(29:45):
like that in shock over him saying that, and they're like, ah,
even the new girl is disagreeing with you. I was like, no, no, no, no,
I am not disagreeing with him. I'm like, yeah, they
are not important for life. And he was like, ha ah,
you know what you're talking about. I was Later I
went to him and I'm like, are you serious or
are you just joking with them? Are you serious you
(30:07):
don't want children? He was like, yes, I do not
want children. I have been friends with him now for
five years. I couldn't believe it. I was like, so
there's someone else who's as crazy as me but looks
very normal. Also, he was my editor and was very
respected and senior, and he knew what he was talking
(30:28):
about and competent. And so for someone like that to
say it and to mean it, and at the age
he was, his agebit had had children that they were
almost forgetting about, and he hadn't. Really I literally wanted
to hug him because I'm like, oh, I have looked
for someone like you my entire life, and you are here.
And he's the one who introduced me to a community
(30:51):
of other people. And he was like, if you are
sure about this, or if you want to know more,
you should search for child free people. That was actually
the first time someone said it like child free. The
first place I looked was Facebook, and sure enough, they're
enough child free communities and groups on Facebook, and I
(31:12):
joined link two. Also. One of the ones that I
joined is called child free seeking Sterilization. I started getting
more information and also being around other people were like
me and Suddainly, I did not look so crazy, even
to myself, even to my brain, I was like, I'm
not crazy. I'm not even sick. I'm not processed, i
(31:34):
am not cussed, I'm not any of those things. I
am just me and I'm not even that odd. Because
there's all these people were like me, and it was
really free and very I cannot even describe that feeling.
It's almost like I arrived in my life in those groups,
though they were not like groups that I could see
(31:55):
a person and sit with them and talk to them.
But then in writing to each other and writing about
our experiences in someone whould write about the things that
had been told about saying that they watch old friend,
I'm like, that is me. I'm like, you're from halfway
across the world and this is my experience too. Someone
whould write about the first time they told their parents
(32:18):
and how they react and I'm like, did they read
the same script? It's almost like I was in a
family in a way, the sterilization group. Then I've found
out that that you algation. I'd read about their like
four different ways of doing it, and even better, you
can have your tubes removed entirely. Huh. And the thing
(32:40):
about taking out the entire uterusis called a hysterectomy. Huh.
I learned so much in such a short while. I
wanted to tell everyone I me, that was an amazing time.
I didn't feel crazy for the first time in as
my entire life. In that space of looking for other
people who are like me, that's when I found Abby.
(33:01):
She is very vocal about being child free and being
Kenya and Africa and in that context, because the groups
that I had been in on Facebook, yeah, they were
full of other people like me, but none of them
fit in my context. They were white or Asian or Indian,
but then the Asian and Indian ones. There are things
that I could see happening in my culture that happened
(33:23):
in theirs, but at the same time it's different. So
I was wondering so apart from the one that I
know is there any other person, and so I found her,
and in finding her, I also found that she has
a group, a Kenyan group that she organized and put
together and it's for people who were child three and
I was like, oh my god. Anyway, I DMed her
(33:49):
and she added me to that group. It was it
is still on What's Up? And I met my people,
and in meeting them in such a local space and
also in us space where geographically we can sit together
and talk and meet and share experiences and actually have
a life in our way together, that was the most
(34:10):
amazing thing. So I thought, so we were waiting until
we're twenty five. I remember the morning of my twenty
fifth birthday, I literally start with myself and I'm like, okay,
so I'm twenty five. Now, do I want a child?
Do I think I will change my mind? No? Do
I want to like? Wait?
Speaker 1 (34:27):
No?
Speaker 2 (34:28):
Do I think I'm crazy? Especially that was definitely not.
Do I think that this is valid? Yes? And that
is the day I started looking for a doctor. That
day I was like, good, So the group on Facebook
said that there are one to three different ways, and
in using those specific medical terms, I would literally just
(34:49):
type it out and be like clinic. I'm like this
and this clinic. And I found a couple, I say,
a handful of doctors in a Robie who are doing
them those procedures named that, but they never said that
they were doing it to sterilize a woman to make
sure that she doesn't have a child. I found that,
for example, the complete remove of the tubes. They said
(35:11):
it was for example, for when a woman had an
ectopic pregnancy. Yes, so then they could try for a
way to save that tube or remove it entirely, preserving
the other one. But they were doing it. I'm like,
so they are doing that procedure. They're saying it's for
a different purpose, but they're still doing it. I emailed
one of the doctors and you know, I wrote it's
(35:33):
a hymn to him, and I'm like, and I'd like
to have this done, and can I get an appointment
at so I think his assistant or his front desk
somebody is the one who emailed me back. And no,
they were not nice, No they were not. They behaved
like I had almost like insulted that doctor to even
(35:56):
imply that he might participate in something like that. And
I remember reading that email and being like Oh man,
that's such a bummer. You could just have said no,
they were not reply to the email went on and
on and on and about that is not what their
practice is about. They market themselves as fertility specialist. They
(36:16):
help women who have had a difficulty getting pregnant, their
topic pregnancy thing. So in a way, it was almost
swelling their reputation or something. And I remember reading that
and thinking, also, now I don't have the money. I mean,
I'm not going to get it anytime soon. I also
do not have a doctor because these people, and I
(36:38):
really couldn't, I guess, find the courage to go into
a face to face appointment. Also in the group, a
lot of people had shared how the doctors had treated
them and I'm like so, and they really charged a
lot for consultation. I'm like, so, I'm paying eight thousand
to go and see someone for fifteen minutes so that
they can brate me about my disease and then send
(37:00):
me home like heah, no, that is not going to work.
So at this time I had not found the Kenyan group.
So I found it, and people are talking about getting
their procedures done in this country. You found a doctor
who said yes, and actually went through with it. They
were like, yeah, actually we did. And I'm like, so
tell me, like show me. You always tell me where
(37:23):
you went, tell me what you said, tell me what
you did. They said Marie stops was one of the places.
I was like, yay, Marie stops it. Yes, there's a
number you can call for them and say what you
want that time. Now, I was twenty six ano this
process of looking for a doctor and taking a year,
and I'm like, okay, let me try that. They are
(37:45):
lying when you call them and say what you want.
They're like, oh, yeah, we do it, and we do
it for this much and it was way cheaper. It
was thirty six thousand, I think. And that specifically was
cutting the tubes where they would cut two not ends,
but two places, cut out the middle part and also
(38:05):
tie them. So I was like, okay, so you do it.
They were like yeah, you know, but your age, we
would prefer if someone was older. You know, now you
might change your mind, and if you change your mind,
you're going to blame us. I'm like, no, I'm not,
and I don't even think that's a thing where I
change my mind, and I blame you for coming to
(38:27):
you and paying money to get this done, and then
I blame you for what? So anyway, they were like, no, no,
you're too young. Anyway, So I went home and I'm like,
so I'm too young now. I found a place. It's
relatively cheaper than what I had known before, and they
do it to other people, but they're saying I need
(38:49):
to be older. So I just sat with that and
I'm like, well, it almost seems like I'm never going
to find a doctor. And then Mary stops. They started
upping this outreach programs a little later. Now they would
go to they had partnered with government, and they would
go to a government facility and use that facility to
(39:13):
give women contraception and also perform those permanent procedures on
women who felt that they were done having children. There
was a lot of propaganda around that. I remember people
saying that the un and other players have I guess
a goal of depopulating Africa and other stories. I'm like,
I don't care how to go they have. This is
(39:33):
for me. But then I remember had finished university, the internship,
had gotten COVID came. I had literally gotten a job
three months before COVID was announced, and they closed down everything,
So I went back home. So all this time when
things started opening up home. So even if Myristops is
(39:54):
offering this for free, I can't go anywhere and do
it because now where do I go? I am back
in Mayru. They're doing it in Aerobi. And I remember
the one time they came to Meyru. I knew I
can't do it, and then go back to my parents'
house and said, I did what who is going to
nurse me back to hell? This was like, I can
(40:14):
pretend I will not be able to sit up. I'll
not be able to do the normal things that I do.
Someone is going to notice me win sing and sighing,
and so what do I say? I did, so I
didn't go to that one, but I was like, but
if I go back to Naerobi or when I go
back to Naeruby and they do this thing, I am
(40:34):
going to be the first one in line. Good thing
is came back to Neroby and got another job and
they announced that they were having those programs and they
were in government facilities in an Aerobi, and I was like,
I don't care what I need to do to get
to live from work, but I am going to get
to live.
Speaker 1 (40:56):
Catch more African stories in the next episode of Legally Cuteless. Ooh,
what an incredible story. I just feel like it's so
rivetting ah. The final pot part three is gonna be
out in next week's episodes. To make sure you subscribe
wherever it is you're strewing this pod on so that
you do not miss out on it. But there are
(41:17):
quite a few things I'm holding onto from part two.
Number one is like, body literacy is power. So when
we are informed about our bodies, we can choose comfort,
we can choose safety and dignity of a pain and shame.
Even just thinking about the people who were staying away
from tampons and were choosing pads, and maybe they were
(41:38):
having a reaction to pads. Remember the might Always Experienced
expose that happened a few years ago that was really
looking at African women were getting substandard pads from Always
and we're having infections and skin conditions. Can you imagine
on top of that, not fully having the understanding of
(42:00):
what tampons are, but from the sources you trust, they're
telling you tampons are for loose women, so you stick
with this option that is disagreeing with your body. What ah.
The other thing I really connected with was community dissolves isolation.
Community is so powerful. Finding the people who mirror your
(42:23):
truth can turn those questions of like am I crazy
into I'm not alone, nothing is wrong with me. I've
just found an alternative way of doing life. Honestly. That
happened for me with my divorce, and I remember the
first community I found was all the way in Dubai
(42:43):
and we were on this cruise and we made friends
with the only other black people on the cruise, because
that's what you do. If you've ever traveled to another
country off of the continent where you know, maybe you
might be in an area where you don't see too
many black people, you know that you automatically noticed any
(43:04):
other black person anyway. So we were on this cruise
there was another couple and so we struck a conversation
with them, we became friends with them. My person is
talking to the guy from that couple, and then he
comes back to me and he's like, that guy's divorced,
you should definitely talk to them. And it was at
(43:24):
a point where I wasn't too vocal about being divorced.
I was trying to navigate the shame, because it felt
like anywhere you brought it up, what would receive that
was shame? Right, So I was just like, maybe this
is not something I should be saying. Anyway. It turns
out these two who were from Swaziland, they were in
(43:46):
a relationship. They were both previously married and then got divorced.
They both have kids from their previous marriages, and now
they were together. And so the woman and I really
hit it off and we're talking and I'm just telling
out all of these things I'm navigating. She's like, do
you have kids? I'm like no. She's like, girl, that's
(44:07):
gonna be a walk in the park for you. And
she even gives me her phone number. Can you imagine?
She gives me a phone number, and she's like, whenever
it gets too much, shoot me a WhatsApp message. Can
you imagine that? And this is someone I still talk
to to date. And just finding that community in like
the weirdest of places, like I found those communities in
(44:30):
a cruise in Dubai. I found them just in various
in also in Dubai.
Speaker 2 (44:35):
Actually Dubai was good for me.
Speaker 1 (44:38):
I found another group of community, other women who are
also divorces and it was just incredible. So finding community
is magic. The other thing that really stood up for
me is like gatekeeping is so fucking real. Honestly, we
need to work on our healthcare that centers informed consent
(44:59):
and just respects women's choices. The funny thing about this
age thing is I always find it interesting that when
someone is eighteen, we say that person is mature enough
to be able to make a decision about who should
(45:21):
lead their country and their county. They're able to vote,
they are able to get married, right, but they're not
able to make decisions about the body they live in.
It's fucking ridiculous, Like really, it's ridiculous. I remember, and
it's so funny. I always thought it was not allowed
(45:45):
for me to say I don't want kids, and I
always thought I needed to have this huge reason as
to why I don't want kids. And I think even
as recently as maybe the first year of running this
particular show, so that's what twenty nine, I still didn't
think it was okay for me to say that I
don't want kids, and so I was looking for a
(46:06):
big reason why and I was like, Okay, maybe it's
because I'm grieving my mom or this, that and the other.
And I remember finding out that if I wanted to
get my tubes tied. This was back when I was
in compass, which is so interesting that I was already
thinking about that, So it means even back then, I
was already like this kid's thing, me not so sure,
(46:27):
count me out. But I was finding out that I
was not going to be able to get my tubes
tied unless I was of a certain age and unless
I'd already had three kids. And I remember thinking, well,
that defeats the purpose. I'm not really for these kids,
not about these kids. Why do you want me to
(46:48):
have three in order to believe that? Okay, fine, her
decision matters now. And we really have to think about
how women's bodies are so political pynolytical. Everybody wants access
to our bodies and our choices on our bodies and
our ability to say if we want kids, if we don't,
(47:10):
and how many kids we should have, blah blah blah. Right,
and it's for no one's benefit but forces external to us.
And there are many many reasons why. And I just
feel like we need to get rid of the patriarchy
that drives our health care systems. Did you know, For example,
there are a lot of studies about women's health and
(47:34):
women's bodies that only actually started basing their research on
an actual women's body and not drawing from men's bodies,
and not even when they use animals for their research
using female bodies. This only started happening in the eighties.
Like that's when they were like, Okay, maybe let's start
(47:55):
looking at a women's body to research what's happening to her.
That's one number two. The I might be wrong, and
they may have been more accurate data. But last I checked,
one in ten women suffers from endometriosis. Okay, the biggest
most recent study on that disease that a lot of
(48:16):
women are suffering. The study was on how endometriosis affects
the male partners of the women who have this disease
or this condition. What the fuck? I mean, what the
actual fuck? And the last thing I took from this
story was choice, Choice must be yours. And yesterday I
(48:39):
was at a convening for the book that I coauthored.
It was featured at a book club, and so I
went for it and had a panel discussion with the
host and then just chilled with these incredible women afterwards,
and we were talking about kids. Two of us at
the table were like, fuck them, kids. Three have kids,
(49:01):
and we're just like, you, do not make this decision
unless it's a decision that is yours and yours only.
They mentioned how just accept if should you choose to
have kids, that for four years your life is not
going to be yours. The one year that you know
(49:21):
the pregnancy journey, and then until your child is three,
and even after that you're starting to get to know
yourself afresh, because this is a new version of you,
et cetera, et cetera. And this is not to scare
people of having kids, but to have honest conversations that
can inform your choice. A life decision as big as
children cannot be carried for anybody else's timeline. It can't
(49:44):
be tradition, it can't be ego, it can't be comfort,
it can't even be a gift for your partner. Good
heavens know, the choice must be yours. I would love
to know what you're connected with from part two of
Brenda's story. Please drop me comment. I love reading your
comments and you guys are so awesome. My love, love, love, love,
(50:04):
love every one of you who drops a comment wherever
it is that you are listening to this episode. On
next week, we wrap up Brenda's story with Part three.
Make sure you don't miss out on it now. If
this episode resonated with you, make sure you follow Subscribe
to Legally Clueless wherever you're listening, be it Spotify, Apple podcasts,
on YouTube, these people who listen on cast box, these
(50:27):
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it means the worlds to us. Watch more of our
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there's a link to it. Sign up for our newsletters
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help you on your healing journey and all of our
(50:47):
incredible events. Also, can I just say I am receiving
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in our shop, So make sure you subscribe to the
news letters because we're probably got to make that announcement
there first. And remember, Group therapy registration closes this Thursday,
the ninth of October. Links in the show notes and
(51:10):
thank you so much, for listening to this show to
the very end. I truly appreciate you, and I know
you have everything it takes to heal. That's it for
this episode of Legally Clueless. You can share this podcast
with your friends. You can keep it for yourself. I'm
not judging. Just make sure you're here next week for
the next episode.
My name is adelea on Youngle and welcome to another
episode of Legally Clueless. No, seriously, i have no clue
what I'm doing, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the
only one. Hey you welcome to episode three hundred and
forty six of Legally Clueless. And this is what's coming up.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
But then I had a problem with pads. Oh my god,
I have sensitive skin, and my skin and pads never
agreed and it was excruciating, and I would get this
rash and I'm like, what is this. I remember once
I was in a supermarket line and I'm carrying my
temple and I'm going to pay and this woman stops me.
(00:40):
At this point, I was fourteen and in high school
and she stops me and she's like, what are those?
And she called me loose. And now, unfortunately, I had
a friend who got pregnant and she chose to have
an abortion.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
That is part two of Brenda's story, which we're going
to get into in just a bit. The first, thank
you so much for being part of this community and
this family. If you're an OG member, you know you
are deeply appreciated. And if this is your first time,
welcome to the Family audio episodes of this particular show
God Every single Monday. On Wednesdays, we have two things.
(01:16):
We have the Midwiek Ties Show, which is me just
sharing things that could be of use as you seek
freedom and seek your higher self. And you also get
an incredible letter from me. All you have to do
is sign up for our newsletter. A link is in
the show notes. And on Thursdays you get episodes of
for Manderalist Women, our brand new show that is raising
(01:39):
a new generation of shame free women. And on Fridays
is going to make a comeback really soon, we have
a seasonal show called Ask a Therapist where you get
to ask accredited, skilled, incredible African practitioners questions to do
with your individual healing journey. Yeah, so this sounds like
(01:59):
a pretty dope family to be in, so welcome. Make
sure you also subscribe to our YouTube channel links in
the show notes, and if you dig social media, you
can find us on Instagram and on TikTok at legally
Clueless Africa. Before we dive into part two of Brenda's story,
just a quick update for all family members. We are
(02:21):
hosting our three part group therapy series. We do this
all at a time, and we're doing this with Shamiri Health.
This time around, we're focused on childhood trauma. The ticket
portal closes this Thursday, the ninth of October is officially
the last day for you to grab your ticket. Now,
over three Saturdays, which is October eleventh, November eighth, and
(02:43):
December sixth, we are going to be alongside the very
skilled psychologists from Shamiri Health. We're going to be unpacking
signs he may be carrying childhood wounds, understanding what exactly
is childhood trauma right? How is it showing up in
my adulthood? What trauma responses am I having? And what
copy mechanisms am I employing? Are they healthy? Are they not?
(03:05):
What in the world is a trauma bond? How do
I identify it? And the patterns that are keeping me stuck?
How do we heal your inner child? Whether the practical
tools you can start using today. All of the three
sessions will start from ten am to two pm and
once you grab your ticket, which is four thy five hundred,
(03:26):
this covers all three sessions, all refreshments at the three sessions,
and any notes or activities or resources that the psychologists
may print out for you to grab your ticket though,
check out a link in the show notes, or just
go to Hustlesassa or to our website legally Clueless Africa
(03:46):
dot com check out the events tab. But don't forget
to sign up before the portal closes, because we're not
going to be opening it after Thursday. This incredible opportunity
will have passed you by. All right, today's part two
you of our ongoing story from Brenda. Just a bit
of a recap And in case you haven't listened to Patfolan,
please just go back because you will be floating. But
(04:09):
in case you did, and you for good and slightly so.
We met Brenda last week. She grew up in Maru,
surrounded by a huge close knits community and family, and she,
at a very young age, had begun questioning the prescribed
womanhood that assumed that motherhood is every woman's destiny. Now,
in part two, we follow how that questioning meets real
(04:32):
life when we're talking about painful periods, tampons, contraception, abortion,
and trying to find a child free community in Kenya.
One hundred African stories are Legally Clueless Stories from Africa.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
So the first three months were breeding that's it. I
didn't feel anything, and I had a problem with pads.
Oh my god. No one said that I have sensitive
skin and my skin and pads never agreed, and it
was excruciating, and I would get this ration. I'm like,
(05:15):
what is this? So I want that first month thinking
what but they never said anything that a pad could
be bad for you. The reading came through again. I
remember thinking, you know what, I this cannot be it
because we had two options. We had pads and we
had the tiny pads that you're supposed to use like
(05:36):
on your later days antiliners. So we only add two options.
You could either use a pad or antiliners. Thinking okay,
so a pad is bad, so I'm going to use
a pantiliner. But then by the time I get I
was tool had a really big compound, so they lose
would be well like at the corner of school compound.
(05:58):
Then the classes were like at the middle, but at
the central middle that is that you have to walk.
So by the time I got from the loo to class,
I'm like, I need to go back and change what
you so apartilina is not working, and I was so miserable,
but thinking what they said I would become a woman
(06:21):
and I would be so happy and this is what
I should be. I mean, so why is it this hard?
And why is it suffering in a way? And the
reading came through. So one Saturday, I'm just reading the
Saturday magazine. I can but that magazine was I don't
(06:41):
know why nowadays it doesn't look the same anyway, That's
Saturday magazine was top tier. I will give them like
ten out of ten. Anyway, So they had a story
about a company that was producing manstrol cups. They were
called Ruby cups, and that story explained and I was like, oh,
(07:03):
so they did not mention that there are other options
to pads, but however they are messtro cups. And then
I went and I googled, and well, one menstock cup
at the time was one thousand, eight hundred. I remember thinking,
how am I going home to explain this to my
mom and dad? Why I need one thousand eight hundred
(07:24):
for a pad equivalent? I mean, yes, they're saying it's
going to last for ten years, but how do I
explain needing one thousand, eight hundred when pads were one
forty shoe links for the Big Park that used to
come with, I guess pads for the entire month or
that cycle that month. So I was like, that is
not going to work. But then in my mind, I'm like, okay,
(07:45):
so the way we have soap, we have basap, we
have or more we have jick and other things. Then
it implies that if they are pads and their menstruck cups,
there might be something else. I don't remember exactly what
I searched, but tampons came up, and I was like,
ah see, and how much are they? Again, pads were
(08:09):
one footable, but I think tampons at the time were
like one eighty. Like this is it? This is it.
But at that time we were home for the holiday
and I was like, this is it. So I don't
even remember what excuse I gave, but I gave an excuse,
and I had some extra pocket money and I went
to town and from our home to Marror town, it's
(08:33):
not far, and I went to We had only one
supermarket in Merror at the time, and thank god, they
had tampons. And I went into the and they used
to there are those days they were to put them
behind a counter, like you're going to steal them or something.
So every time you want one, you're going to ask somebody. Anyway,
I went to that one and I was like, I
want tampons. And I had also done my research into knowing,
(08:58):
so there are different sizes, so supposed to start from
the smallest and then go up in case you need it.
If your flow is heavier, it is it. So I
was like, yes, I want the smallest packet, and they
gave it to me. I paid and I went home.
I wasn't on my period, but I was like, I
need practice. So I had read so many things what
(09:19):
to do, how to insert one every so I went
and tried it and I couldn't believe it. It was
literally like someone had offered me a miracle. I was like,
I have suffered and now this thing, I can't even
feel it. I spent that day sprinting, squatting, bending over,
climbing a tree, rolling on my belly, anything that I
(09:43):
could think of doing, I did it because I was like,
oh no, Like I sit down, I can't feel it.
I jump, I cannot feel it, And you mean I
am going to be this comfortable for my period next time?
And I was. I was so happy. I was so happy.
You can imagine the looks and the beliefs that people
have going again to raising girls and raising them in
(10:07):
the environment that I was raised, and also in church,
there is a very I don't even want to call
it an undercurrent because it's not that, because it's spoken
and explicity spoken that your value is in keeping your
legs closed. You want to keep your virginity for your husband,
your marriage. When you do it, God is going to
(10:28):
reward you with a good husband. You're going to be
married for seventy years, You're going to have godly children.
It is it. And even if it's aspar you can't
have sex or you shouldn't have sex. Using tampons was
almost taken to be that because I would remember once
(10:49):
I was in a supermarket line and I'm carrying my
temple and I'm going to pay, and this woman stops me.
At this point, I was fourteen and in high school
and she stops me and she's like, what are those?
And you know, while I was turn now bayer as
in you're the bad girls, and she called me loose,
and I'm like, I have never I have never even
(11:12):
thought of, you know, a man in that sense. I
don't even think then attraction to boys are born. To me,
it hadn't. And this woman, I'm like, what, but why,
I mean, it's tampons, It's that. And then also now
in high school, one of my classmates told a teacher
(11:34):
that I was using tempos because it was a thing.
I was in a school of like seven hundred girls,
and I was the only one who was using tampons,
and everyone knew because everyone made that glut. To the teacher.
We were sharing a cube, that's what we'd call it.
It was like partitioned, and there was four of us
would sleep in the same little doom within the big dom,
(11:54):
so it was a cube. And she told the teacher,
and the teacher was had the same reaction as that
woman in the supermarket. She first told the girl who
told her that I was bad. She shouldn't do that.
It was bad manners, as they would call it. And
then later she asked me, I'm like, but I'm not
(12:14):
doing anything wrong. Pads are excruciating. I cannot stand them,
so why shouldn't I be comfortable? So, yeah, I was
the bad one for using tampons, And to date, I
don't get it, but I mean they say that, you know,
I was too young to use them. I should have
waited until I had given bath. You know, I am
(12:37):
preserving myself for my husband. I'm like, goodness. We started
swimming now in school, and I guess we grew older
and got two from two from three, and I guess
the girls were feeling a little rebellious or something. Everyone
wanted to try them, to a point where I would
carry an extra pack just for passing it around in
class or in my dorm so that people would go
(12:59):
and try a tampon. That was fun. That was fun,
and we would sit down and I would explain to whether
this is how insight it when you're working or whatever
you do, you're not supposed to feel it. That's how
you know it's in the right place. So now I
was having my period, so I knew I am not infatile,
or I assumed, because at the time I didn't know
(13:20):
that infertility is more complex than just not having a
period or having a period, because they are women or
enough women who have had a period when they should
have aid it, and how they should have aid it,
and they are for whatever reason or not able to
have children without assistant So I just in my mind,
I was like Okay, So now I have a period
(13:41):
and then I'm going to have children, So how am
I going to prevent it? So even if in high
school or at that point I decided, okay, I can
have one, I was like, I need to have one
when I'm ready. I need to have one when I'm sure.
I cannot do this thing of waking up one day
and I'm pregnant. Now going back to reading, I say
(14:02):
people should should let their children read as much as possible.
And I'd read a story book. It was got Mills
and Boons I think, or Mill and Boons books. There
were little romance stories that you used to read. In
high school. We'd read like three in a day, would
wake up for prep and not read a thing that
we would be tested for an example, we would be
(14:24):
passing around novels in class for whatever ReSm. So this
woman was telling a friend that you cannot have careless
sex and expect not to be pregnant in the book,
and the way you make sure that you will not
be pregnant is you use two methods of contraception at
every turn. I was like, huh, I think that was
(14:44):
the first time that contraception was ever introduced. To me,
and because every other time people are like, if you
don't want to get pregnant, don't have sex. They never
said that you could have sex without getting pregnant. I
was like, oh, that's interesting. Okay, so you're saying I
could have sex, but also there's a way to have
(15:06):
sex and not get pregnant. That's interesting. And to make
it so whatever that contraception is, I need to be
using two methods at the same time. Got it. So
I went Now, I did my own research, and I
was like, okay. So in the book that woman had
said specifically that the friend needs to get on pills
and make sure that the man uses a condom. So
(15:27):
I was like okay. So I went to research and
I'm like, ah, so they are pills and their other
things that you could use that in that category, and
their condoms tick that is understood. And also there was
a biologic class I remember where our teacher mentioned contraception.
(15:48):
He like came through it, but the book had information.
So I read one and I'm like, hmmm, so they
are pills, the injections there, implants, there other things. I
was like, okay, I'll keep that in mind. And so
now we're coming to university. And I came to university
in Naiubi, and in my mind, I'm like, oh, okay,
(16:13):
so the book said, and also my research said to protections,
like got that. But also I don't remember at which
point the conversation about abortion was introduced, but it was
and I feel like this might have been high school
because it was introduced in the way of some women
(16:37):
are careless and they're evil and definitely sinful because they
go have sex when they're not with their husband and
then they get pregnant. As a consequence, they get a
pregnancy out of it, and they don't want to keep
that child, so they kill it. And in killing it,
that is what is an abortion. So at the back
(16:59):
of my mind, I still understood that I could do
all these things, the two protections that I had read about,
but as well, in case I didn't want it, I
could be extra sinfluent get an abortion. So that I understood.
So I come to university and yeah, people are having sex,
(17:20):
and now, unfortunately I had a friend who got pregnant
and she chose to have an abortion. And in my mind,
you see the way people talked about it before, like
it's you're avoiding responsibility because you seinned, but then you
want to see extra so that you can have an abortion.
(17:42):
In my mind, an abortion is or was you take
a pill and then you are unpregnant, just like that.
So this friend who decided to have an abortion, now,
fortunately she did have access to medical care during that time,
so she was given the meds that she needed and
instructions and also care with a nurse. Was that? But
(18:05):
then I remember she was in so much pain. I
remember thinking I have never seen something like that. She
was vomiting, she was bleeding to a point where a
pad couldn't hold it. I remember thinking, what the you know,
what or earth is that? And in that moment I
(18:26):
knew for a fact that I did not want to
ever get pregnant ever ever, everwhere I do love to
resort to that because it was a very traumatizing way
of experiencing an abortion, even when it was not mine.
I remember thinking they cannot be When they told us
about this, they made it sound like you just lick panadle,
(18:51):
you just swallow it. A few minutes, your headache is gone.
I would have thought so, but then this is not that.
So I remember thinking, no, you remember those two prot no,
I am going to work on that because there is
no way. Now. Remember but I was planning in my
mind from high school for having one baby because my
mom wants a baby and I should definitely do it,
(19:12):
because I am crazy for thinking that I shouldn't have children.
So now another friend got pregnant. She chose to keep
the baby, but then her family did not support her.
She was in a robie. They were in her shugs
and they were like, no, you will not bring that
baby here. No one is going to support you in
(19:33):
your carelessness. You're going to figure it out. And so
figuring it out is us, the friends. So she had
a baby on a Sunday. We were starting exams on
a Tuesday. Now, fortunately, before that friend, she had what
people would call an easy pregnancy, with the exception of
the baby growing, you wouldn't have known that she was pregnant.
(19:55):
She didn't have morning sickness, she wasn't sick. And also
then we didn't have the knowledge that someone needed to
be in the care of a doctor or another health
practitioner during a pregnancy, so she didn't take any vitamins
or any supplements. He was just pregnant, and for she
didn't go home for that time because when she went
(20:18):
home and told them, she wasn't showing yet. So they
were like, no, you're not going to be involved in this.
You're going to go back and look for that man.
And the man in question of the boy, because he
was our age as well, wasn't really interested in becoming
a father. So she came back to Nairobi and we
were like, okay, we're going to figure it out, I think,
(20:39):
And she was just pregnant like that for the entire
nine months or however long it was because we never
counted weeks. We didn't know we were supposed to. We
did concentrate enough, I guess to really find out. And
also we were in denial, including her. We were like, well,
this cannot be happening, but it is happening, so now
(21:00):
what do we do. She gave birth in Bagathi and
she literally because we were living in a different hostel.
She was in a different one, we were in another one.
She just called and she was like, oh, I had
the baby and they're releasing me from the hospital today.
(21:21):
To were like when did you have the baby? She
was like today, like this morning, like and they're saying
you're coming home this morning like yes to wear because
you really can't bring a baby to a university hostel.
You can't. They won't let you. So we were like, oh,
I guess we need to figure it out. And she
(21:42):
rented out a room. There was a place behind Technical
University of Kenya where they were my body houses. Now
they were demolished by railways, but back then they were
there and that's what she could afford. And so that's
why she rented a room. And one of her aunties,
(22:02):
I guess, knew what she would be going through, so
she came to Nairobi to help. But then she made
it clear that my friend was going to carry the burden.
So what we used to do we used to hold
the baby. She goes and does the exam, She comes back,
she holds the baby. I go and do my exam.
I come back, or another friends come back until we
(22:25):
were done. And that is the very first time I
ever took care of a newborn. And that is the
first time I remember. It's thinking in this is what
being a mother looks like. And I remember thinking that
baby I was talking about by the way, I lied, No,
(22:45):
I am not going to have one. I am not
going to have one. No, thank you very much because
what and I would say the baby was very easy.
He did not cry, he did not sleep, he didn't
do anything that would have said was extra stressful. But
I think the situation in itself was crazy. I remember
(23:09):
holding him and thinking, there's no way. There is no way,
and that's when it occurred to me that I could
not have a child for someone else. There was no way.
I either would want it for myself and wanted really
really bad or nothing. And that's the time I was like,
(23:30):
I'm going to find a way to explain it to
my mother, but I am not going to have a child.
I am not. Anyway. We survived. He's grown now, so
we survived. I remember after that we went home and
that was the first time I went and tried to
have a conversation with my mom about not having children,
(23:53):
and I was like, you know, and I don't even
remember how I started, but I was like, I think
I'm going to have children, and she had the reaction
you can imagine. She was like, do not say that.
How can you say that? You don't know what you're
talking about. And I'm like, but I know, I am
telling you. I do not want to have children, and
(24:15):
she didn't take me seriously. She got mad as well,
so I was like, I guess I'm going to back
off because I don't want to fight. Also, she told
me that I was going to change my mind, and
she insisted that I was going to change my mind.
And going back to that when I was a teenager,
I told my I think a teacher in high school
actually who have said that the period pain I was
(24:37):
having was a blessing because I know I'm going to
have children. And gone to her and I'm like, I'm
not feeling well. My back is aching and I really
have bad crumbs and you know, I was complaining. She's like, no,
I you you're not supposed to complain or cry too much.
You know, it's a blessing for you as in this pain,
you know you're actually going to have children. And I
was like, no, I'm not. What are you like? I
(24:59):
am not? And she was like, you're going to change
your mind. And that's the first time I asked someone
And I'm like, so, when do you think I'm going
to change my mind? And she said like, by the
time you're twenty five, you will. You will have changed
your mind. I was like, ah, by the time I
was twenty five, Okay, twenty five, it is so all
this time I'm carrying that at the back of my head,
and now in campus I'm thinking, so I'm supposed to
(25:23):
change my mind by the time I'm twenty five, Like, okay,
that works. I'm going to wait until I'm twenty five
to make a decision about this, because clearly I'm going
to change my mind. So now, when I told my
mom about it, and she was insisting I'm going to
change my mind, at the back of my mind, I
was like, Okay, perhaps the other point. I mean, they
have lived a longer life than I have, and they
(25:44):
have experienced things that I have not, So yeah, I
guess they might be right. I would change my mind.
So we finished campus and hm, I don't remember at
what point, No, actually I do. The first it wasn't
an internship. We used to do an attachment where a
(26:06):
semister out of your It was for fear. You would
go outside and work in an industry or whatever course
that you were doing, whatever employer was in line with that,
you would go work there. It was for free and
it was taken as part of classes. But you go
and work in a way to see what working would
(26:29):
do would look like in your area. So I went
for that, and that's the first time someone talked about
medical insurance, and specifically it was an HIF. They gave
us a pamphlet for NHIF this is the cover you
would get, and we needed to go and pay so
that we had insurance cover for the duration of that attachment.
(26:51):
And so I went and they gave me the hamblet
and I'm like, oh, okay, so they cover whatever they
were covering in patient out patient to choose your hospital,
la la la. And somewhere there was something about contraceptives.
I remember ANTIF did not cover contraceptives. It said specifically
that they don't cover that. But then they said that
(27:14):
they covered sterilization if someone was forty three years old
or they had for children, and I remember thinking, oh,
what sterilization you said as usual, I went and did
my own research and searched for what exactly they meant
by that, and they meant tubal ligation. So I was like, oh,
so they think about taking out my uterus and giving
(27:35):
it to another woman. Okay, So now there's another procedure
that would act as contraception that it's a surgery and
they're going to cut my tubes. At that point, I
thought they're just going to cut them, So I'm like, ah, okay,
perhaps I should aim for that. So I actually did
actually research how much money it would cost out of pocket,
(27:55):
and I remember somewhere I said one forty three thousand,
and I'm thinking, well, now that am I going to
be twenty forty three thousand? But I'm going to get
it somehow. But then I also knew at the back
of my mind, I'm not going to do it before
I'm twenty five, because supposedly I am going to change
my mind. And so we went to our attachments, came back,
finished up our schooling, and I got an internship. This
(28:17):
internship was paying twenty three thousand, and I'm thinking, so
twenty three thousand becoming one forty three and I also
have living expenses and a few things to do, and
that I'm never going to afford this. I checked other
insurances and they were not really covering it. Most of
them were like, this is unnecessary, this is elective, therefore
(28:37):
it's not important. So I was like, okay, so I'm
somehow not going to afford it. But oh, well, I
didn't think much about that. So I went to that
internship and that was the first time that I met
another person who didn't want to have children. And this
time around, they were not young like me. He was
a grown man. He was in his forty conversation about children.
(29:01):
I have found, you know, the places I've worked so far,
they always come up. And I was new you in
that place. It was literally my first week, and I
had my desk and you were seated opposite of me.
And it was in the morning, people having breakfast and
bunter and you know, catching up, and children came up.
Someone else was making fun of him, telling another person
(29:24):
I'm away Kama Nannie that you don't want children like
you want to talk like so and so that you
don't want children. He spoke up and he was like, ah,
I don't think they're important for life. I don't think
that's the only way to live a life. And I
remember turning and looking at him, and the way I
looked at him. The rest of the people thought that
I was also disagreeing, that I was looking at him
(29:45):
like that in shock over him saying that, and they're like, ah,
even the new girl is disagreeing with you. I was like, no, no, no, no,
I am not disagreeing with him. I'm like, yeah, they
are not important for life. And he was like, ha ah,
you know what you're talking about. I was Later I
went to him and I'm like, are you serious or
are you just joking with them? Are you serious you
(30:07):
don't want children? He was like, yes, I do not
want children. I have been friends with him now for
five years. I couldn't believe it. I was like, so
there's someone else who's as crazy as me but looks
very normal. Also, he was my editor and was very
respected and senior, and he knew what he was talking
(30:28):
about and competent. And so for someone like that to
say it and to mean it, and at the age
he was, his agebit had had children that they were
almost forgetting about, and he hadn't. Really I literally wanted
to hug him because I'm like, oh, I have looked
for someone like you my entire life, and you are here.
And he's the one who introduced me to a community
(30:51):
of other people. And he was like, if you are
sure about this, or if you want to know more,
you should search for child free people. That was actually
the first time someone said it like child free. The
first place I looked was Facebook, and sure enough, they're
enough child free communities and groups on Facebook, and I
(31:12):
joined link two. Also. One of the ones that I
joined is called child free seeking Sterilization. I started getting
more information and also being around other people were like
me and Suddainly, I did not look so crazy, even
to myself, even to my brain, I was like, I'm
not crazy. I'm not even sick. I'm not processed, i
(31:34):
am not cussed, I'm not any of those things. I
am just me and I'm not even that odd. Because
there's all these people were like me, and it was
really free and very I cannot even describe that feeling.
It's almost like I arrived in my life in those groups,
though they were not like groups that I could see
(31:55):
a person and sit with them and talk to them.
But then in writing to each other and writing about
our experiences in someone whould write about the things that
had been told about saying that they watch old friend,
I'm like, that is me. I'm like, you're from halfway
across the world and this is my experience too. Someone
whould write about the first time they told their parents
(32:18):
and how they react and I'm like, did they read
the same script? It's almost like I was in a
family in a way, the sterilization group. Then I've found
out that that you algation. I'd read about their like
four different ways of doing it, and even better, you
can have your tubes removed entirely. Huh. And the thing
(32:40):
about taking out the entire uterusis called a hysterectomy. Huh.
I learned so much in such a short while. I
wanted to tell everyone I me, that was an amazing time.
I didn't feel crazy for the first time in as
my entire life. In that space of looking for other
people who are like me, that's when I found Abby.
(33:01):
She is very vocal about being child free and being
Kenya and Africa and in that context, because the groups
that I had been in on Facebook, yeah, they were
full of other people like me, but none of them
fit in my context. They were white or Asian or Indian,
but then the Asian and Indian ones. There are things
that I could see happening in my culture that happened
(33:23):
in theirs, but at the same time it's different. So
I was wondering so apart from the one that I
know is there any other person, and so I found her,
and in finding her, I also found that she has
a group, a Kenyan group that she organized and put
together and it's for people who were child three and
I was like, oh my god. Anyway, I DMed her
(33:49):
and she added me to that group. It was it
is still on What's Up? And I met my people,
and in meeting them in such a local space and
also in us space where geographically we can sit together
and talk and meet and share experiences and actually have
a life in our way together, that was the most
(34:10):
amazing thing. So I thought, so we were waiting until
we're twenty five. I remember the morning of my twenty
fifth birthday, I literally start with myself and I'm like, okay,
so I'm twenty five. Now, do I want a child?
Do I think I will change my mind? No? Do
I want to like? Wait?
Speaker 1 (34:27):
No?
Speaker 2 (34:28):
Do I think I'm crazy? Especially that was definitely not.
Do I think that this is valid? Yes? And that
is the day I started looking for a doctor. That
day I was like, good, So the group on Facebook
said that there are one to three different ways, and
in using those specific medical terms, I would literally just
(34:49):
type it out and be like clinic. I'm like this
and this clinic. And I found a couple, I say,
a handful of doctors in a Robie who are doing
them those procedures named that, but they never said that
they were doing it to sterilize a woman to make
sure that she doesn't have a child. I found that,
for example, the complete remove of the tubes. They said
(35:11):
it was for example, for when a woman had an
ectopic pregnancy. Yes, so then they could try for a
way to save that tube or remove it entirely, preserving
the other one. But they were doing it. I'm like,
so they are doing that procedure. They're saying it's for
a different purpose, but they're still doing it. I emailed
one of the doctors and you know, I wrote it's
(35:33):
a hymn to him, and I'm like, and I'd like
to have this done, and can I get an appointment
at so I think his assistant or his front desk
somebody is the one who emailed me back. And no,
they were not nice, No they were not. They behaved
like I had almost like insulted that doctor to even
(35:56):
imply that he might participate in something like that. And
I remember reading that email and being like Oh man,
that's such a bummer. You could just have said no,
they were not reply to the email went on and
on and on and about that is not what their
practice is about. They market themselves as fertility specialist. They
(36:16):
help women who have had a difficulty getting pregnant, their
topic pregnancy thing. So in a way, it was almost
swelling their reputation or something. And I remember reading that
and thinking, also, now I don't have the money. I mean,
I'm not going to get it anytime soon. I also
do not have a doctor because these people, and I
(36:38):
really couldn't, I guess, find the courage to go into
a face to face appointment. Also in the group, a
lot of people had shared how the doctors had treated
them and I'm like so, and they really charged a
lot for consultation. I'm like, so, I'm paying eight thousand
to go and see someone for fifteen minutes so that
they can brate me about my disease and then send
(37:00):
me home like heah, no, that is not going to work.
So at this time I had not found the Kenyan group.
So I found it, and people are talking about getting
their procedures done in this country. You found a doctor
who said yes, and actually went through with it. They
were like, yeah, actually we did. And I'm like, so
tell me, like show me. You always tell me where
(37:23):
you went, tell me what you said, tell me what
you did. They said Marie stops was one of the places.
I was like, yay, Marie stops it. Yes, there's a
number you can call for them and say what you
want that time. Now, I was twenty six ano this
process of looking for a doctor and taking a year,
and I'm like, okay, let me try that. They are
(37:45):
lying when you call them and say what you want.
They're like, oh, yeah, we do it, and we do
it for this much and it was way cheaper. It
was thirty six thousand, I think. And that specifically was
cutting the tubes where they would cut two not ends,
but two places, cut out the middle part and also
(38:05):
tie them. So I was like, okay, so you do it.
They were like yeah, you know, but your age, we
would prefer if someone was older. You know, now you
might change your mind, and if you change your mind,
you're going to blame us. I'm like, no, I'm not,
and I don't even think that's a thing where I
change my mind, and I blame you for coming to
(38:27):
you and paying money to get this done, and then
I blame you for what? So anyway, they were like, no, no,
you're too young. Anyway, So I went home and I'm like,
so I'm too young now. I found a place. It's
relatively cheaper than what I had known before, and they
do it to other people, but they're saying I need
(38:49):
to be older. So I just sat with that and
I'm like, well, it almost seems like I'm never going
to find a doctor. And then Mary stops. They started
upping this outreach programs a little later. Now they would
go to they had partnered with government, and they would
go to a government facility and use that facility to
(39:13):
give women contraception and also perform those permanent procedures on
women who felt that they were done having children. There
was a lot of propaganda around that. I remember people
saying that the un and other players have I guess
a goal of depopulating Africa and other stories. I'm like,
I don't care how to go they have. This is
(39:33):
for me. But then I remember had finished university, the internship,
had gotten COVID came. I had literally gotten a job
three months before COVID was announced, and they closed down everything,
So I went back home. So all this time when
things started opening up home. So even if Myristops is
(39:54):
offering this for free, I can't go anywhere and do
it because now where do I go? I am back
in Mayru. They're doing it in Aerobi. And I remember
the one time they came to Meyru. I knew I
can't do it, and then go back to my parents'
house and said, I did what who is going to
nurse me back to hell? This was like, I can
(40:14):
pretend I will not be able to sit up. I'll
not be able to do the normal things that I do.
Someone is going to notice me win sing and sighing,
and so what do I say? I did, so I
didn't go to that one, but I was like, but
if I go back to Naerobi or when I go
back to Naeruby and they do this thing, I am
(40:34):
going to be the first one in line. Good thing
is came back to Neroby and got another job and
they announced that they were having those programs and they
were in government facilities in an Aerobi, and I was like,
I don't care what I need to do to get
to live from work, but I am going to get
to live.
Speaker 1 (40:56):
Catch more African stories in the next episode of Legally Cuteless. Ooh,
what an incredible story. I just feel like it's so
rivetting ah. The final pot part three is gonna be
out in next week's episodes. To make sure you subscribe
wherever it is you're strewing this pod on so that
you do not miss out on it. But there are
(41:17):
quite a few things I'm holding onto from part two.
Number one is like, body literacy is power. So when
we are informed about our bodies, we can choose comfort,
we can choose safety and dignity of a pain and shame.
Even just thinking about the people who were staying away
from tampons and were choosing pads, and maybe they were
(41:38):
having a reaction to pads. Remember the might Always Experienced
expose that happened a few years ago that was really
looking at African women were getting substandard pads from Always
and we're having infections and skin conditions. Can you imagine
on top of that, not fully having the understanding of
(42:00):
what tampons are, but from the sources you trust, they're
telling you tampons are for loose women, so you stick
with this option that is disagreeing with your body. What ah.
The other thing I really connected with was community dissolves isolation.
Community is so powerful. Finding the people who mirror your
(42:23):
truth can turn those questions of like am I crazy
into I'm not alone, nothing is wrong with me. I've
just found an alternative way of doing life. Honestly. That
happened for me with my divorce, and I remember the
first community I found was all the way in Dubai
(42:43):
and we were on this cruise and we made friends
with the only other black people on the cruise, because
that's what you do. If you've ever traveled to another
country off of the continent where you know, maybe you
might be in an area where you don't see too
many black people, you know that you automatically noticed any
(43:04):
other black person anyway. So we were on this cruise
there was another couple and so we struck a conversation
with them, we became friends with them. My person is
talking to the guy from that couple, and then he
comes back to me and he's like, that guy's divorced,
you should definitely talk to them. And it was at
(43:24):
a point where I wasn't too vocal about being divorced.
I was trying to navigate the shame, because it felt
like anywhere you brought it up, what would receive that
was shame? Right, So I was just like, maybe this
is not something I should be saying. Anyway. It turns
out these two who were from Swaziland, they were in
(43:46):
a relationship. They were both previously married and then got divorced.
They both have kids from their previous marriages, and now
they were together. And so the woman and I really
hit it off and we're talking and I'm just telling
out all of these things I'm navigating. She's like, do
you have kids? I'm like no. She's like, girl, that's
(44:07):
gonna be a walk in the park for you. And
she even gives me her phone number. Can you imagine?
She gives me a phone number, and she's like, whenever
it gets too much, shoot me a WhatsApp message. Can
you imagine that? And this is someone I still talk
to to date. And just finding that community in like
the weirdest of places, like I found those communities in
(44:30):
a cruise in Dubai. I found them just in various
in also in Dubai.
Speaker 2 (44:35):
Actually Dubai was good for me.
Speaker 1 (44:38):
I found another group of community, other women who are
also divorces and it was just incredible. So finding community
is magic. The other thing that really stood up for
me is like gatekeeping is so fucking real. Honestly, we
need to work on our healthcare that centers informed consent
(44:59):
and just respects women's choices. The funny thing about this
age thing is I always find it interesting that when
someone is eighteen, we say that person is mature enough
to be able to make a decision about who should
(45:21):
lead their country and their county. They're able to vote,
they are able to get married, right, but they're not
able to make decisions about the body they live in.
It's fucking ridiculous, Like really, it's ridiculous. I remember, and
it's so funny. I always thought it was not allowed
(45:45):
for me to say I don't want kids, and I
always thought I needed to have this huge reason as
to why I don't want kids. And I think even
as recently as maybe the first year of running this
particular show, so that's what twenty nine, I still didn't
think it was okay for me to say that I
don't want kids, and so I was looking for a
(46:06):
big reason why and I was like, Okay, maybe it's
because I'm grieving my mom or this, that and the other.
And I remember finding out that if I wanted to
get my tubes tied. This was back when I was
in compass, which is so interesting that I was already
thinking about that, So it means even back then, I
was already like this kid's thing, me not so sure,
(46:27):
count me out. But I was finding out that I
was not going to be able to get my tubes
tied unless I was of a certain age and unless
I'd already had three kids. And I remember thinking, well,
that defeats the purpose. I'm not really for these kids,
not about these kids. Why do you want me to
(46:48):
have three in order to believe that? Okay, fine, her
decision matters now. And we really have to think about
how women's bodies are so political pynolytical. Everybody wants access
to our bodies and our choices on our bodies and
our ability to say if we want kids, if we don't,
(47:10):
and how many kids we should have, blah blah blah. Right,
and it's for no one's benefit but forces external to us.
And there are many many reasons why. And I just
feel like we need to get rid of the patriarchy
that drives our health care systems. Did you know, For example,
there are a lot of studies about women's health and
(47:34):
women's bodies that only actually started basing their research on
an actual women's body and not drawing from men's bodies,
and not even when they use animals for their research
using female bodies. This only started happening in the eighties.
Like that's when they were like, Okay, maybe let's start
(47:55):
looking at a women's body to research what's happening to her.
That's one number two. The I might be wrong, and
they may have been more accurate data. But last I checked,
one in ten women suffers from endometriosis. Okay, the biggest
most recent study on that disease that a lot of
(48:16):
women are suffering. The study was on how endometriosis affects
the male partners of the women who have this disease
or this condition. What the fuck? I mean, what the
actual fuck? And the last thing I took from this
story was choice, Choice must be yours. And yesterday I
(48:39):
was at a convening for the book that I coauthored.
It was featured at a book club, and so I
went for it and had a panel discussion with the
host and then just chilled with these incredible women afterwards,
and we were talking about kids. Two of us at
the table were like, fuck them, kids. Three have kids,
(49:01):
and we're just like, you, do not make this decision
unless it's a decision that is yours and yours only.
They mentioned how just accept if should you choose to
have kids, that for four years your life is not
going to be yours. The one year that you know
(49:21):
the pregnancy journey, and then until your child is three,
and even after that you're starting to get to know
yourself afresh, because this is a new version of you,
et cetera, et cetera. And this is not to scare
people of having kids, but to have honest conversations that
can inform your choice. A life decision as big as
children cannot be carried for anybody else's timeline. It can't
(49:44):
be tradition, it can't be ego, it can't be comfort,
it can't even be a gift for your partner. Good
heavens know, the choice must be yours. I would love
to know what you're connected with from part two of
Brenda's story. Please drop me comment. I love reading your
comments and you guys are so awesome. My love, love, love, love,
(50:04):
love every one of you who drops a comment wherever
it is that you are listening to this episode. On
next week, we wrap up Brenda's story with Part three.
Make sure you don't miss out on it now. If
this episode resonated with you, make sure you follow Subscribe
to Legally Clueless wherever you're listening, be it Spotify, Apple podcasts,
on YouTube, these people who listen on cast box, these
(50:27):
Amazon Music, Yo, wherever you are, because we are literally
everywhere wherever it is that you're streaming this on. Subscribe please,
it means the worlds to us. Watch more of our
shows on our YouTube channel. Subscribe in the show notes,
there's a link to it. Sign up for our newsletters
so you get updates on things that I think will
help you on your healing journey and all of our
(50:47):
incredible events. Also, can I just say I am receiving
samples for the first product we're going to be stalking
in our shop, So make sure you subscribe to the
news letters because we're probably got to make that announcement
there first. And remember, Group therapy registration closes this Thursday,
the ninth of October. Links in the show notes and
(51:10):
thank you so much, for listening to this show to
the very end. I truly appreciate you, and I know
you have everything it takes to heal. That's it for
this episode of Legally Clueless. You can share this podcast
with your friends. You can keep it for yourself. I'm
not judging. Just make sure you're here next week for
the next episode.
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