What happens when your growth starts to shift your relationships? In this episode of Mid Week Tease, Adelle Onyango explores the quiet, often painful realization that not everyone in your life knows how to sit with your light.
This episode unpacks how dimming yourself can show up subtly, why some relationships struggle when you expand, and how to let go without bitterness, blame, or drama. It’s a reminder that you don’t need to make yourself smaller to belong and that release can be an act of self-respect. In this episode, we explore:
This episode unpacks how dimming yourself can show up subtly, why some relationships struggle when you expand, and how to let go without bitterness, blame, or drama. It’s a reminder that you don’t need to make yourself smaller to belong and that release can be an act of self-respect. In this episode, we explore:
- Why personal growth can make some people uncomfortable
- The subtle ways we dim our joy, confidence, and presence
- How to recognize relationships that require self-erasure
- Letting go without villainizing people you outgrow
- Grieving relationships that can’t meet you where you are
- Choosing yourself without guilt
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Midwick Te's with me adele Jngle, where
I share some random and not to random thoughts on things.
And in this episode, I want to talk about something
many of us are quietly experiencing, even if we don't
have the language for it yet. And it's what happens
when your light makes people uncomfortable. Mm hmm, let's go there.
(00:29):
You know, there's a moment in many healing journeys when
you realize something unsettling. You're not arguing anymore, you're not
being cruel, you're not even doing anything wrong. You're just
expanding right. You're becoming more honest. You're laughing louder, you're
dancing harder, you're softer in some ways, you're firmer in
(00:50):
other ways. You're taking up space without apologizing for it.
And suddenly, when these incredible things are happening to you,
some relationships start to feel strained. Have you felt that
I can't be the only one by the way, I
(01:11):
know you've felt this right, And so the relationships are
getting strained, not because of conflict, but because your presence
is no longer familiar to the version of you that
the other person was comfortable with. Be it a friendship,
be it a relationship with a family member, be it
(01:33):
an intimate partner. Can you relate? And why I want
to talk about this is because it's such a serious thing.
Because what normally happens is dimming. Your light shows up. Right.
For many of us, dimming doesn't happen dramatically. It's not
like a switch. One minute your light is on. You're
(01:55):
reaping the benefits of healing. You're evolving to a version
of you you've always want it to be, and then
the next minute it's off. No, it happens very quietly, right,
So you start editing your joy. You find that maybe
something great happens in your life. You have this good
news beats a promotion, or you bought something, or you
(02:17):
know you got this this deal, but you hesitate before
sharing that good news. You start downplaying your achievements. Oh
it's nothing, you know what I mean? You get me, Oh,
my goodness. You start to make yourself more what's the
word relatable, more manageable, more low maintenance. You shrink, And
(02:43):
you're shrinking not because you want to, but because somewhere
along the way in this relationship, you learned that your
fullness made the other person uneasy. But this smallness, this
dimming of your light. First, it's not that's number one.
And secondly, humility is also not synonymous or the same
(03:08):
as self erasire. Now here's the truth that's kind of
hard to swallow. Not everyone has the emotional capacity to
celebrate you. I recently just had this conversation with an
aunt of mine because I was talking about how another
relationship with another family member drastically changed the more work
(03:30):
I was doing on myself, and I realized that At
first I was a bit annoyed with the change in
the relationship, but with time, I got comfortable with it
because I realized the person doesn't have the capacity to
celebrate me. Some people bonded with you through struggle, through
(03:54):
shared pain, through survival, through chaos. I don't know if
you've ever had those friendships where you really feel the
warmth of the friend when you're going through it, when
you're going through a dark time this one, you really
feel they're there for you. But when things are great
and there's lights, you feel a disconnect. I'm pretty sure
(04:16):
you've experienced such friendships. Right, So, when you move into
joy and you move into ease and clarity or even confidence.
It's a great thing that's happening for you. I'm not
saying it should stop, but it also disrupts the dynamic,
and you'll find that your growth reflects what they are
(04:37):
not ready to face in themselves yet. And by the way,
I'm just explaining what could be the situation. Please always
remember that that discomfort is absolutely not your fault. Someone
else's inability to celebrate you doesn't mean you're arrogant. It
doesn't mean you're ungrateful or you're too much. It's just
(04:59):
simply means your light is asking more of the relationship
than the relationship can give. It's a bittersweet, but that's
what it is. Now. This is a part that I
feel like we don't even talk about enough right letting
go because at this point I'm not even giving you
an option of solving it. Nope, nope, nope. If there's
(05:23):
one thing I'll never risk for myself and I also
want you to never risk is dimming your light or
playing small. So that's why I've jumped right to letting go.
Letting go doesn't always mean confrontation, it doesn't always mean
a big speech, and it doesn't always mean cutting people
(05:44):
off dramatically. Imagine Sometimes letting go looks like you just
stop over explaining, you know, you stop performing the smallness.
It can mean choosing silence over self betrayal, right, so
you just don't share. It can mean allowing distance without
(06:04):
forcing clarity. That's my favorite one. Sometimes those relationships they
need a lot of space between you and them. They
need distance. And let me tell you, you don't need
permission to outgrowth spaces that require you to disappear, you
know what I mean. And even when you are moving
(06:27):
past those spaces, you don't have to villainize the person
so as to justify releasing them. No, which is what
I learned. I was just like, you know, that person
doesn't have the capacity, and that's okay. It doesn't mean
they're terrible, it doesn't mean they're evil, but it does
mean there's going to be a lot more distance between
(06:48):
me and then. You know, it does mean I'm going
to release them, and you can appreciate who they were
in your life, and you can also still admit that
they cannot walk with who you are becoming. And I
always like telling my friends and telling myself this, Remember
that you are such an intelligent being. You can hold
(07:10):
two contradictory truths or feeling at the same time, so
you can appreciate who they were in your life and
the good times and the times they showed up for you,
and you can still also admit, hey, where I'm going
this person can't come, and then allow yourself to grieve.
(07:31):
There is grief, these grief for friendships that you hope
would evolve with you, These grief for people you thought
would clap louder, and it's just like silence. These grief
for versions of closeness that just no longer fit. And
you've got to let yourself feel that because if you don't,
emotions that are left unfelt always come back up. So
(07:56):
allow yourself to feel the sadness of that, even though
on your healing journal you're going through something so beautiful, right,
but just always trust what your body already knows. Pay
attention to where you feel the urge to shrink, pay
attention to where your joy feels unsafe, pay attention to
where you have to like brace yourself. You know, before
(08:17):
you're going to hang out with someone, that's your intuition,
all right, it's wisdom. So if you are having those
feelings when you're hanging out with someone, don't second guess them.
Lean in. Your body is also so intelligent and sometimes
it catches things before your mind even catches up. Right.
(08:39):
Just be very clear, and I know even as you're
listening to this, you already have a feeling about a
relationship or friendship that is forcing you to demo light,
that is forcing you to play small. You already know, right.
I just want you to remember that you're not here
to be palatable. You're not here to be convenient to others,
(09:02):
and my goodness, you are not here to make yourself
smaller so that other people can stay comfortable. Honestly, the
relationships meant for you will never ask you to dim
your light. They'll just make room for it. And if
you are in a season of release first, I'm also
there to the extent I've decided the word release is
(09:24):
the next stattoo I'm getting. Please always know that you're
not failing at connection. You are honoring yourself. And if
you're connected. Speaking of connection, if you're connected with this episode,
please share it with someone that you love. Thanks for
listening to The midwik Tis, a legally Clueless Africa production.
Episodes go out every Wednesday, and you can learn more
(09:46):
about us by going to legally cluless Africa dot com
Welcome to the Midwick Te's with me adele Jngle, where
I share some random and not to random thoughts on things.
And in this episode, I want to talk about something
many of us are quietly experiencing, even if we don't
have the language for it yet. And it's what happens
when your light makes people uncomfortable. Mm hmm, let's go there.
(00:29):
You know, there's a moment in many healing journeys when
you realize something unsettling. You're not arguing anymore, you're not
being cruel, you're not even doing anything wrong. You're just
expanding right. You're becoming more honest. You're laughing louder, you're
dancing harder, you're softer in some ways, you're firmer in
(00:50):
other ways. You're taking up space without apologizing for it.
And suddenly, when these incredible things are happening to you,
some relationships start to feel strained. Have you felt that
I can't be the only one by the way, I
(01:11):
know you've felt this right, And so the relationships are
getting strained, not because of conflict, but because your presence
is no longer familiar to the version of you that
the other person was comfortable with. Be it a friendship,
be it a relationship with a family member, be it
(01:33):
an intimate partner. Can you relate? And why I want
to talk about this is because it's such a serious thing.
Because what normally happens is dimming. Your light shows up. Right.
For many of us, dimming doesn't happen dramatically. It's not
like a switch. One minute your light is on. You're
(01:55):
reaping the benefits of healing. You're evolving to a version
of you you've always want it to be, and then
the next minute it's off. No, it happens very quietly, right,
So you start editing your joy. You find that maybe
something great happens in your life. You have this good
news beats a promotion, or you bought something, or you
(02:17):
know you got this this deal, but you hesitate before
sharing that good news. You start downplaying your achievements. Oh
it's nothing, you know what I mean? You get me, Oh,
my goodness. You start to make yourself more what's the
word relatable, more manageable, more low maintenance. You shrink, And
(02:43):
you're shrinking not because you want to, but because somewhere
along the way in this relationship, you learned that your
fullness made the other person uneasy. But this smallness, this
dimming of your light. First, it's not that's number one.
And secondly, humility is also not synonymous or the same
(03:08):
as self erasire. Now here's the truth that's kind of
hard to swallow. Not everyone has the emotional capacity to
celebrate you. I recently just had this conversation with an
aunt of mine because I was talking about how another
relationship with another family member drastically changed the more work
(03:30):
I was doing on myself, and I realized that At
first I was a bit annoyed with the change in
the relationship, but with time, I got comfortable with it
because I realized the person doesn't have the capacity to
celebrate me. Some people bonded with you through struggle, through
(03:54):
shared pain, through survival, through chaos. I don't know if
you've ever had those friendships where you really feel the
warmth of the friend when you're going through it, when
you're going through a dark time this one, you really
feel they're there for you. But when things are great
and there's lights, you feel a disconnect. I'm pretty sure
(04:16):
you've experienced such friendships. Right, So, when you move into
joy and you move into ease and clarity or even confidence.
It's a great thing that's happening for you. I'm not
saying it should stop, but it also disrupts the dynamic,
and you'll find that your growth reflects what they are
(04:37):
not ready to face in themselves yet. And by the way,
I'm just explaining what could be the situation. Please always
remember that that discomfort is absolutely not your fault. Someone
else's inability to celebrate you doesn't mean you're arrogant. It
doesn't mean you're ungrateful or you're too much. It's just
(04:59):
simply means your light is asking more of the relationship
than the relationship can give. It's a bittersweet, but that's
what it is. Now. This is a part that I
feel like we don't even talk about enough right letting
go because at this point I'm not even giving you
an option of solving it. Nope, nope, nope. If there's
(05:23):
one thing I'll never risk for myself and I also
want you to never risk is dimming your light or
playing small. So that's why I've jumped right to letting go.
Letting go doesn't always mean confrontation, it doesn't always mean
a big speech, and it doesn't always mean cutting people
(05:44):
off dramatically. Imagine Sometimes letting go looks like you just
stop over explaining, you know, you stop performing the smallness.
It can mean choosing silence over self betrayal, right, so
you just don't share. It can mean allowing distance without
(06:04):
forcing clarity. That's my favorite one. Sometimes those relationships they
need a lot of space between you and them. They
need distance. And let me tell you, you don't need
permission to outgrowth spaces that require you to disappear, you
know what I mean. And even when you are moving
(06:27):
past those spaces, you don't have to villainize the person
so as to justify releasing them. No, which is what
I learned. I was just like, you know, that person
doesn't have the capacity, and that's okay. It doesn't mean
they're terrible, it doesn't mean they're evil, but it does
mean there's going to be a lot more distance between
(06:48):
me and then. You know, it does mean I'm going
to release them, and you can appreciate who they were
in your life, and you can also still admit that
they cannot walk with who you are becoming. And I
always like telling my friends and telling myself this, Remember
that you are such an intelligent being. You can hold
(07:10):
two contradictory truths or feeling at the same time, so
you can appreciate who they were in your life and
the good times and the times they showed up for you,
and you can still also admit, hey, where I'm going
this person can't come, and then allow yourself to grieve.
(07:31):
There is grief, these grief for friendships that you hope
would evolve with you, These grief for people you thought
would clap louder, and it's just like silence. These grief
for versions of closeness that just no longer fit. And
you've got to let yourself feel that because if you don't,
emotions that are left unfelt always come back up. So
(07:56):
allow yourself to feel the sadness of that, even though
on your healing journal you're going through something so beautiful, right,
but just always trust what your body already knows. Pay
attention to where you feel the urge to shrink, pay
attention to where your joy feels unsafe, pay attention to
where you have to like brace yourself. You know, before
(08:17):
you're going to hang out with someone, that's your intuition,
all right, it's wisdom. So if you are having those
feelings when you're hanging out with someone, don't second guess them.
Lean in. Your body is also so intelligent and sometimes
it catches things before your mind even catches up. Right.
(08:39):
Just be very clear, and I know even as you're
listening to this, you already have a feeling about a
relationship or friendship that is forcing you to demo light,
that is forcing you to play small. You already know, right.
I just want you to remember that you're not here
to be palatable. You're not here to be convenient to others,
(09:02):
and my goodness, you are not here to make yourself
smaller so that other people can stay comfortable. Honestly, the
relationships meant for you will never ask you to dim
your light. They'll just make room for it. And if
you are in a season of release first, I'm also
there to the extent I've decided the word release is
(09:24):
the next stattoo I'm getting. Please always know that you're
not failing at connection. You are honoring yourself. And if
you're connected. Speaking of connection, if you're connected with this episode,
please share it with someone that you love. Thanks for
listening to The midwik Tis, a legally Clueless Africa production.
Episodes go out every Wednesday, and you can learn more
(09:46):
about us by going to legally cluless Africa dot com
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