April 26, 2024 • 29 mins
I get asked this question a lot as a relationships coach who specializes in helping people understand their personality styles. And the answer isn't a simple yes or no.
It's a lesson in self-awareness and evolution, and this week Nathan and I dig into my mentor's blog post on the "The Lifecycles of Strength" and the many stages we go through as we grow and develop - not only into who we are, but who we want to become.
Listen in, and share with a friend! (Get the full blog post that goes along with it here): https://www.mamasaysnamaste.com/does-your-personality-change-over-time-episode-341/
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Does your personality change over time, or do you just have the same personality your
whole life? Well, you gotta be real to yourself. Right? Well You got to be
true to yours. How can we be true to our personality
and also recognize it may be changing over time?
Mama says namaste. Mama says
namaste. Making a family can be
(00:23):
easy and fun. Oh, yeah. But raising a family can be a whole
different story. From spouses to kids to the crazy daily
grind, life often directs us away from connection and more into
reactive chaos. If you're tired of that cycle and are seeking
something beyond the picket fence blues, this is the show for you. I'm
Ashley. And I'm Nathan. And we're here to take you from chaos to clarity
(00:45):
by bringing awareness and intention into your home, not waiting for
one day, and highlighting how the uniqueness in each
of us strengthens all of us.
(01:08):
This week, I am going back to my mentor, Deb
Ingeno, who runs strength leader to talk a little
bit about our personality styles. Now she's been my mentor
for so much around DISC personality
assessments. And, I did DISC way way before I met
Deb, and then Deb came to my dad as a client.
(01:31):
And she ended up really taking DISC, assessments
and developing them even more. And she went in to develop a
whole thing for families and for children around DISC.
And then, and then fast forward a few years, she recognized that that
wasn't necessarily her sweet spot. DISC was, but working more in the
corporate environment was. And so she moved
(01:53):
into really helping and developing John Maxwell
develop strength leader and the assessments that go through John
Maxwell's organization. And with all of
this kid focused stuff that she had, she handed it to
me and she said, here, this is in your strength and I wanna see what
you can do with it. And, and so she not
(02:15):
only was been a great mentor to me, she really was the catalyst
for the basis of content that I had through mama says
namaste when I first started kinda developing things.
And she writes some great blog posts in the business arena for
understanding your strengths. And, of course, it
still to this day rings true for how I can translate those into
(02:38):
the family dynamics and how we can better understand
ourselves at home, which makes us even more effective out there
including in the workplace. That's right. The more you can get it all lined up
in your family, it's actually a safe place to practice too. It
is. And especially when we're talking about strengths and personality style.
You know, we we talk on this podcast about getting intentional to
(03:00):
create your home as a place that
is, safe and supportive environment to
test out who you are and how you wanna show up in this
world. Right. So this this,
blog post that we got this week there this that I had pulled for
today is talking about our different levels of
(03:22):
strengths, that we have different phases in our strengths.
And so, first off, quick refresher on what DISC
is. DISC when I'm talking DISC assessments, I'm talking about
personality assessments. You may have heard of the Enneagram or the strengths
finder or the Myers Briggs. These are all different types of
personality assessments, and they all have, great merit
(03:43):
and can you can really gain a lot from them. I'm always quick to say
it is not the end all, be all. It's not an excuse for who you
are or a justification or, something you are trapped in.
All a personality assessment does is open the door to self awareness. I mean, the
reality is you're inputting questions for a quiz. It's only going to
give you the result as well as you know yourself. You mean it's not just
(04:05):
a laundry list of everything that's wrong with you? No. And it's it's not
yeah. It's not I did it's not laid out just to, be this
perfect boiler plate that tells you who you are. I know that that's our job,
but it can open the door to self awareness. And it
really can help to maybe identify your pool, maybe what
may be a strength or maybe a a trigger that re
(04:28):
that pushes you into reactive mode and how you may tend to kinda
show up and approach things. Yeah. I mean, it's important to remember that those things
are, personality profiles are, like you said, just a
rudimentary test. And so it's up to you to say, does this ring true or
not in my life? Mhmm. Now if it strikes a chord when you're reading it
and it's an uncomfortable chord, that's not a it doesn't ring true.
(04:49):
That's a That might be it. That might be it. Harder to reflect. Just be
aware of it. And and what you'll find is the more you're aware of
those tendencies that you have, the more you can have
the opportunity in your life to play with those and adjust and
see what would it be like if I didn't take over the conversation and let
somebody else lead this time? What would it be like if I did step up
(05:10):
and have the questions to start the conversation this time? So, you know,
there's all of those parts of us that sometimes we can hide
and avoid just because it's comfortable. It's more comfortable. Like with Claire right
now, she doesn't wanna learn how to drive. It's really uncomfortable for her to
do, but she takes time she forces herself to take
tiny bites. Now there's small bites in much longer increments than I'm
(05:32):
comfortable with, but she's doing it, you know, and she's trying out. She's
aware that this is something that I want to do, but it really makes me
uncomfortable. So I wanna try it out in a little bit. And Right. I think
that's part of what we're talking about today. Right. And yes, there are there are
many kids of the younger generation that are not excited about driving. I'm hearing it.
I know. It's so funny. It's a new thing. Well, hey. There are other
(05:54):
ways of transportation. So as long as we're creative about other ways,
I'm all about not having more cars on the road. So if you can be
creative. Alright. Anyway, side note. As far as that's concerned,
yes, we we want to open the door to self awareness
and, you know, me understanding that my tendency
to always go to the bottom line and end results means sometimes I'm not paying
(06:16):
attention to the logistics for how to get there and realize I overcomplicate
things. You know? You have a tendency to want to
yeah. Hold up. Now what about this and what about this? And you question me
with it. Well, if I see all those questioning, I could say, are you just
a Debbie Downer? Well, no. There we're we have different
approaches. And when we recognize that and we recognize the different approaches, we
(06:37):
recognize how much we are. We're stronger because of it. It's it's why I
say the uniqueness in each of us strengthens all of us because we create more
of a synergy. I feel like I am a better person because of
what you bring to our
relationship, because you will challenge
me and question and affirm
(06:59):
in ways that help me bring out my best self. I mean, that's the beauty
of of a a relation of a loving relationship. Right. Because
it is also vice versa. You know, the same is true for me. You know,
I'm pushed and navigated and torn out of my comfort zone to
be thrust into a new idea that I probably would not have done if it
wasn't for you. And I'm thankful for those types of moments. And so I think
(07:20):
that's that's an important part of a relationship is understanding
sometimes that the things that grind on us are also the things
that we love about that person, you know.
You know, I we I love that you're a decision maker but
it drives me nuts, you know. And so Right. It I mean, and
so I think it's just important to remember that as you're looking at, you know,
(07:42):
your personality and the personality of your your significant other or
your partner or even your sibling or your your kids, your, you know, your
parents, all of that. It's just it helps you understand where they're
coming from so you can meet them where where they're at. Because that that's
another level of of the game where you're you're kind of aware of the of
what's going on and you're playing Yeah. In awareness.
(08:05):
So first off, we have this different understandings
of where we are and how we play with others. And we've talked about that.
We even hit on that, on our last podcast where we were talking about
how, it's not just about knowing yourself, but it's
knowing how that plays with the rest of the world. How do you interact? Is
it working for you? Is it bringing out what you want in the world
(08:28):
because of how you're acting? Or maybe do you need to tweak that? Well, this
is talking this what we're digging into today
is yet another layer to this. Mhmm. It's not just
about figuring out how my dynamic impacts your dynamic. It's also
where at life where in life are we. And I know that
just in in just looking at our relationship, I mean, we have seen each other
(08:50):
through, you know, we met at 18/19.
Mhmm. So we started as teens, and then we came into,
into our twenties. And we experienced our twenties together, which is very,
very different than our thirties. In our twenties, when we're figuring out
who are we and where do we wanna go and what kind of jobs are
we gonna have and getting married and having babies for the first time all happened
(09:12):
in our twenties. And then we've got the thirties of, well, where do we go
from here? And now that we're kind of established as a family, we've checked that.
Now where do we wanna go and what do we wanna create? Mhmm. And now
we're looking in our forties and in different season. And boy, life
has seasons. So when people ask me, does my personality change over
time? Yes and no. I think at our
(09:33):
core, who we are is who we are. And my tendency
to want the bottom line is definitely
a deep seated part of who I am and will always be there. Mhmm. But
the way I approach that and how I show up with that has changed
over, like, over my lifespan based on
my understanding of myself and my desire to connect with
(09:56):
others. Yeah. Yeah. And and that desire to
connect is the part that has us ask ourselves, do I
still want to be so confrontational when it puts
everybody on edge? Right. Exactly. Exactly. Because I
like the confrontation and I enjoy the back and forth, but some people
don't and I recognize that now. Alright. So After I've you know, so so it's
(10:18):
just that type of yeah. Yeah. So let's let's pick apart ours a little bit
here. So early strengths phase. This is when we first
are discovering our strengths, and this is as as little kids. We may
recognize, and and we as parents oftentimes do this for our kids,
you know, where we label them. Oh, that's the performer. That's the
friend finder. I did that. We said Ellie is the friend finder. You know, we
(10:41):
labeled her as the friend finder.
She was very outgoing. She was very outgoing and and personable. You know, it's
funny. But when she decided that she didn't wanna flex that all the time, that
got a little frustrating. Right. Right. So in our early
strengths, we may we may come out with these very easy
identifiers. You recognize the leaders on the playground. The kids that
(11:03):
are always calling the shots. You recognize you know, I got in trouble for being
bossy when I was younger. Did you really? I can't imagine. Isn't that crazy?
Well, you know, it's funny. I was just saying it's almost like when we're young,
it's almost like the puppy dog. If you've if you've had animals
Yes. You know that there's kind of different types of animals when somebody comes into
a house. There's the, like, the golden retriever that's so excited that they come, you
(11:24):
know, they greet and say hello. There's, you know or the, you know, the cocker
spaniel that pees all over the floor or, you know, the German shepherd that
comes up and tries to take control and domination of the situation. You know, so
there's all these kind of every every pet owner knows
that their animal's gonna have a gut reaction to somebody and they
hedge that Mhmm. That situation. And your personality, kinda your
(11:46):
gut reaction is kinda the same thing. It's kind of like when something happens, this
is the first thing that I wanna do, but I can also hedge against that
and behave differently. Right. And so in the early stages of your strengths, you lack
that impulse control. Right. Right. You're you're going on on
your impulses, and so you're just reacting. And we see a
very raw form of who you are, And
(12:08):
that can be shaped in a multitude of ways. And that
kind of goes into then how do we develop them. And that's our 2nd
stage. And in our early strengths, we're testing things out. We're just trying to
figure out what works what works for us. Then we go into developing our
strengths. And here, we may we
may learn about, what
(12:31):
really what really gets us excited. You
know, we may realize that this is a time where now we're in school and
we're recognizing that we're really good at sports and being a part of
the team. And we recognize being a team player is really a sweet spot, and
we thrive in that. Or I'm really good at chess and I can
dominate in chess or, you know, whatever. We find our strength and
(12:52):
we really move towards that. And you see that in in, like, high school, you
know, everybody kinda sits with like attracts like. Right. You know?
But as you're as you grow up and you leave that
kinda nesting stage of a lot of school and you
move out into the into what's called the real world,
you know, you kinda have to test those strengths against
(13:16):
Right. So then we go from our early strengths into developing those
strengths, and now we're in our twenties. Yeah. And or
we're, you know, our daughter Clara's age. Everybody
ask her, what are you gonna do? Where are you gonna go after this? What
are you gonna do after you graduate? You're so smart. What are you gonna do
with it? Right. There's all this pressure that now we have to, at
16 to 18 years old, decide and
(13:40):
determine our whole future trajectory. And we live in
a in an era that that's very unrealistic. And I
I mean, I talk to 50 plus year olds
every day who are looking for their next opportunity,
looking for a new job, looking for something different because we I mean, the
average job is like 2 to 3 years. And that's, I mean,
(14:02):
that's solid for in your twenties. You know, a 2 to 3
year lasting job in your twenties is pretty good. Mhmm. We're not
trying to just clock in for a paycheck for 30 years And so
why are we putting so much pressure to have it all figured out? So in
our twenties or late teens and early twenties is really an
experimental phase. And that's where we're really kind of digging in and
(14:24):
saying, okay. I've been seen as a team player all this time.
Now can I step into this role as a team player
and work in this in this business? Or I have you
know, I've stepped up in leadership. Now can I lead on
a professional level and do it in a corporate setting?
Yep. And and the world gives us those opportunities.
(14:47):
You know, sometimes you start as a teller and you end up as
a branch manager. And, you know, 2 totally
different strengths, You know? And you find out. You get to be tested. Is
that something that I'm really good at? Or no, maybe I I'm better at you
know, there's there's areas where I can excel in in
leadership where my, attention to detail is way more
(15:09):
valuable than having had the people skills. So the people skills wear me out or
whatever it is. Well, I mean, that's a great great point too. So I mean,
just reflecting just on our own life, that's that's what happened with Nathan.
I mean, you started trying to figure out where to use your
skills. You knew you were good at talking with people and that was about, you
know, you got a head of communications degree and you I can talk to you.
(15:30):
You had you had great communication skills. And
that yeah. And so then you ended up getting a job at the bank, and
you started as a relationships banker, and then you got promoted into
different levels. And, yeah, each level required something different. And we we talk about
this sometimes. It's called the Peter principle where you get hired to your level of
incompetence, where people rise up in a in a job into
(15:53):
something that's no longer a good fit for them. So you have somebody who's a
great team player who now all of a sudden has to hire and fire all
their friends, and it doesn't it's not a good fit anymore. And
so we're experimenting. We're testing what works.
And, you know, way back, I don't remember
when there was a NPR interview with Taylor Swift when she was young.
(16:14):
Mhmm. And he was kind of being condescending toward her. And I've I've referenced this
before because I loved her response. But he was kind of
treating her in a condescending way. But he was asking her about, you know, why
is it she has such bad luck in in relationships. And it's like all yours
all your love songs, you know, seem to end in a negative way. And she's
like, well, until I've found the right one,
(16:36):
it's it's a lesson for me to learn. It's it's part of the
process. And she's so right. I don't know exactly what she said there, but,
that's how we do learn what we want. We
oftentimes learn by ruling out all the things we don't want. When I
even when I have people take the assessment, I say you
have to when you're taking the personality assessment for DISC, you have a list of
(16:59):
adjectives that describe you, and you're supposed to pick what's is most like you and
what is least like you. Well, I tell people go with what's least like
you first. It's typically really easy to go, oh, that's not me. Quiet and
reserved, oh, that's not me. Bold and daring, oh. You know, you can
tell whether or not it's you pretty quickly. Yeah.
So in our twenties, we're experimenting. We're ruling things out.
(17:21):
We're figuring out where we want our life to go. Are we going on the
career trajectory? Are we going on the family trajectory? Are we trying to navigate
both? You know, what do we wanna do? What partner do we
wanna have? What tattoos do we wanna wear? There's a
lot of things that happen in our twenties on how we choose to show up.
So we experiment and we play with those strengths, and we may
(17:43):
try on a variety of hats. And it's not that you've
got somebody who's flaky. I mean, my goodness. I hope you try a
lot and you test a lot in your twenties so that you're not still trying
to test and figure it out in your forties. Be
creative and and flex those muscles to push yourself.
You've got a lot more grace and flexibility in your twenties than you do in
(18:05):
your forties when it may be that you have a family that's counting on you
as you're trying to figure yourself out. Yeah. And that becomes
very tense. But navigate
navigatable? Navigatable? Is that even a word? It is. Well, it is free
now.
Well, that's the reality is we're gonna talk about all these strengths and Because you
(18:27):
still life yeah. You come back through and I think you recycle
through those strengths as well and you want to you have an opportunity in
your at different times to reevaluate and say, okay, life has hit me with
this. So now who am I and what am I going to be today Right.
Instead of what I was yesterday. And that's what this beautiful
I think if you have a growth mindset, that's a beautiful thing. If
(18:50):
you have a I wanna stay the same mindset, then this
is stressful because things are always changing. Right. I mean, I have a
neighbor who's very, you know, she stresses about everything And
I'm thinking, you're retired. Your house is paid off. And all you do is you
sit in your house and worry. Like, go and enjoy.
Relax. Have fun. But, you know, it's everybody has their
(19:12):
own their own approach. So after your
experimental phase of really kind of trying on a
lot of different hats, that's where we go into our focus strengths. And
that's oftentimes we if we wanna go by decades here, you know, in your
thirties where now in your thirties is oftentimes where
you're developing and going down that career track or the
(19:34):
parenting track. You're in the throes of children or career.
Doing what you do. Or both. Yeah. And so this is where you're kind
of refining those specialties and those areas of expertise and how can you
go from here. I mean, I remember for me, you know,
I had the strength of all of these ideas and these things that we wanted
to implement and these things I wanted to do. And I remember I would go
(19:55):
to my dad in my twenties and be like, what if we did this and
how about this and the the the and things wouldn't necessarily happen. And then
I started to learn on how to utilize my strengths to go ahead and take
my idea, put it in a proposal, and say, this is what I
propose. We do this, this, and this, and all of a sudden I'm getting, yes.
Absolutely. That looks great. Mhmm. And it was me
(20:17):
learning how to focus my strength in a way that really
took charge the result that you wanted. And gave me the result that I wanted.
But that that takes getting out of your your comfort zone. I
mean, that that Yeah. It takes stretching another strength, you know, because you're
using the ones that you're comfortable with. Right? It's like, you know, if you're
a good runner, then you run, you know. If you like to lift weights and
(20:39):
you, you know, you lift weights. That's but you don't do the a lot of
people don't do both, you know. You kinda have one or the other. And so,
you know, it's stretching yourself and giving variety that I think
can add some spice to life. And, you know, I think there is
a misconception that you kind of you've you finally mature and get to a
point of, like, I don't know that that really exists. I
(21:01):
think you're always kinda reestablishing and
re redefining who you are in that's in the stage that you're
in. Oh, I think so too. But I think to your point, the next one
is reflection on strengths phase. Not reflecting meaning
I don't have any more to grow, But reflecting on the fact
that now in our, you know, fifties sixties,
(21:24):
we may be looking at the legacy we're creating. Mhmm. We're
getting closer to looking at, you know, end of life and where we wanna
go and how we're covered and how we're handled for the rest of
our lives. And we, at this point, you know, usually by our sixties,
we've we've got what our family tree would be. Mhmm. You know, we've got what's
gonna be behind us or what, the relationships that we've fostered
(21:47):
during this time. So we look back and we reflect where have their our
strengths helped us? Where have they taught us a valuable lesson? Maybe
the hard way. How have we grown from this and what will we do from
this? And so we have a time to look back and
reflect. Then we really have
a time to, at that point,
(22:09):
you know, even in the, there's a lot of of thoughts
and theories around menopause being, the age of
wisdom for women. And, and then a lot of the work that I've
done in just understanding our our our cycles and things like that,
there is a deep intuition. Like, there's an intuitive inward
(22:30):
approach that comes in, during
during menstruation time in your cycle. And in
the, in the span of menopause, Christiane
Northrop wrote a book called the wisdom of menopause. And it talks about how we
kind of sit in that intuitive side. We sit in a in a more wise
wise and aware reflection, of kinda
(22:52):
where we've come from and how we got to here. And so when we get
to that point, we can reflect on our strengths and we can lean
in to those strengths that have worked well for us for
all of the years. Yeah. What things we can develop? And so I
look at that and I think, you know, I'm at a point and again, I
feel like although I can compartmentalize all of these into decades, like
(23:14):
you said, there are elements of a cycle that happen. Mhmm. Because anytime we have
a transition in our life and we have the rug pulled out from under us,
you know, the death of a loved one Yeah. A brutal divorce. Grief is a
great opportunity to kinda reevaluate. Right. We
may go through all of these cycles again. Who am I? Why am I here?
Yeah. What do I have to offer? What can I bring to the table? And
(23:36):
how is it helped in the past? And how can I use it to
better foster relationships moving forward? I feel like
through me learning the hard way at times and
through wanting to be a better wife and friend
and soulmate for you and parent for my kids. I've learned
different things where now I can say I can lean into,
(23:59):
for example, my coaching hat a little bit more. And the strengths that I bring
to coaching, I lean into that in a way that I didn't at 20, and
I talked for 90% of my coaching session. Mhmm. You
know, I've learned to pull myself back and in
doing so, bringing out more in another person. And
then my strengths really shine as well because I'm I'm doing I'm
(24:22):
navigating and driving something in a way that really works for both of
us. Yeah. It's almost like strengths flow. Like, when we're in our twenties, we
just are, like, pouring it out like a fire hydrant and hoping it hits anything.
And then you realize that, you know, you can there's a valve
adjuster on this thing. That's true. Yes. You can put a little bit more
pull a little bit back and and that's true for for on both sides of
(24:44):
the fence, I think. Right. So
recognize we've got all of these strengths. I mean, she lays out at the end
just that the cycle of strengths, you know, a wise parent's gonna
observe their child's strengths and give opportunities for development.
An observant teacher or mentor will help to develop those strengths in the
adolescent years. A young adult will give themselves grace to
(25:06):
experiment with work opportunities to help that help to define their strength
zone. An adult in the focus phase will understand the need
to hone in and grow their strengths. A 40 something
adult will know the purpose, that their purpose is
rooted in their strengths to serve. And then in their
latter years, they come to approach a life where they may have fully developed
(25:28):
and explored and served in those strengths in a way that really does leave
that lasting legacy. Mhmm. So,
yes. Our personality changes over time because we as
human beings who are trying to figure ourselves
out and are navigating our our mental
well-being and our self love and every relationship we're
(25:50):
interacting with. You're talking about the Vitamix of life? Exactly.
We've got a lot thrown in the Vitamix and a lot of variables that fall
into it. And how well we understand ourselves and how well we show up
in the moment is gonna vary. Uh-huh. And that's okay. That's
part of of grace for this life and grace for growth.
There you go. So continue to seek out what
(26:14):
your strengths are and play with those. If it's not working for you and when
I say that, you can say I am a great leader. And if everybody
cringes when you walk into the room, are you a great leader, or are
you just good at telling everybody what to do and talk to them? If you're
not getting the results that you want, if you're not getting the relationships
that you want and there's friction there, pay attention
(26:36):
to what might be going on and what season are you in. Are
you really coming from a sweet spot of
understanding yourself and the best that you can to offer and recognizing
where your weak points are? Or are you,
are you going forward with an agenda of should, which we often can get
stuck in in this world? Yep. So
(26:58):
embrace your strengths. Recognize there is synergy when we are
connecting with others. And our challenge to you
is to really think about the the
different stages of your life. What did you enjoy playing as
a child? What classes interested you in school? What
was your downtime and your recharge? Have you paid
(27:21):
attention to that? And have you brought that through in the rest of your life?
Why or why not? Would it be helpful? Think about
your career for right now. What type of work do you do, and why
are you in that? Is it is it fulfilling
any, anything in your desires or in
your strengths? And look over your work, history. Has there been
(27:42):
a common theme? Is there a common thread? I may say that I
know that my role is to bring light to
others by helping them understand themselves in a way that they can brightly
shine. But I could do that as a teacher. I could do that as a
doctor. I could do that as a career coach or a life coach
or a motivational speaker or as a mom. There's a lot of
(28:04):
different labels. So, what's your common theme?
Dive into your strengths. And remember, that you The uniqueness in each
of us strengthens all of us. Namaste.
1, 2, 3.
Does your personality change over time, or do you just have the same personality your
whole life? Well, you gotta be real to yourself. Right? Well You got to be
true to yours. How can we be true to our personality
and also recognize it may be changing over time?
Mama says namaste. Mama says
namaste. Making a family can be
(00:23):
easy and fun. Oh, yeah. But raising a family can be a whole
different story. From spouses to kids to the crazy daily
grind, life often directs us away from connection and more into
reactive chaos. If you're tired of that cycle and are seeking
something beyond the picket fence blues, this is the show for you. I'm
Ashley. And I'm Nathan. And we're here to take you from chaos to clarity
(00:45):
by bringing awareness and intention into your home, not waiting for
one day, and highlighting how the uniqueness in each
of us strengthens all of us.
(01:08):
This week, I am going back to my mentor, Deb
Ingeno, who runs strength leader to talk a little
bit about our personality styles. Now she's been my mentor
for so much around DISC personality
assessments. And, I did DISC way way before I met
Deb, and then Deb came to my dad as a client.
(01:31):
And she ended up really taking DISC, assessments
and developing them even more. And she went in to develop a
whole thing for families and for children around DISC.
And then, and then fast forward a few years, she recognized that that
wasn't necessarily her sweet spot. DISC was, but working more in the
corporate environment was. And so she moved
(01:53):
into really helping and developing John Maxwell
develop strength leader and the assessments that go through John
Maxwell's organization. And with all of
this kid focused stuff that she had, she handed it to
me and she said, here, this is in your strength and I wanna see what
you can do with it. And, and so she not
(02:15):
only was been a great mentor to me, she really was the catalyst
for the basis of content that I had through mama says
namaste when I first started kinda developing things.
And she writes some great blog posts in the business arena for
understanding your strengths. And, of course, it
still to this day rings true for how I can translate those into
(02:38):
the family dynamics and how we can better understand
ourselves at home, which makes us even more effective out there
including in the workplace. That's right. The more you can get it all lined up
in your family, it's actually a safe place to practice too. It
is. And especially when we're talking about strengths and personality style.
You know, we we talk on this podcast about getting intentional to
(03:00):
create your home as a place that
is, safe and supportive environment to
test out who you are and how you wanna show up in this
world. Right. So this this,
blog post that we got this week there this that I had pulled for
today is talking about our different levels of
(03:22):
strengths, that we have different phases in our strengths.
And so, first off, quick refresher on what DISC
is. DISC when I'm talking DISC assessments, I'm talking about
personality assessments. You may have heard of the Enneagram or the strengths
finder or the Myers Briggs. These are all different types of
personality assessments, and they all have, great merit
(03:43):
and can you can really gain a lot from them. I'm always quick to say
it is not the end all, be all. It's not an excuse for who you
are or a justification or, something you are trapped in.
All a personality assessment does is open the door to self awareness. I mean, the
reality is you're inputting questions for a quiz. It's only going to
give you the result as well as you know yourself. You mean it's not just
(04:05):
a laundry list of everything that's wrong with you? No. And it's it's not
yeah. It's not I did it's not laid out just to, be this
perfect boiler plate that tells you who you are. I know that that's our job,
but it can open the door to self awareness. And it
really can help to maybe identify your pool, maybe what
may be a strength or maybe a a trigger that re
(04:28):
that pushes you into reactive mode and how you may tend to kinda
show up and approach things. Yeah. I mean, it's important to remember that those things
are, personality profiles are, like you said, just a
rudimentary test. And so it's up to you to say, does this ring true or
not in my life? Mhmm. Now if it strikes a chord when you're reading it
and it's an uncomfortable chord, that's not a it doesn't ring true.
(04:49):
That's a That might be it. That might be it. Harder to reflect. Just be
aware of it. And and what you'll find is the more you're aware of
those tendencies that you have, the more you can have
the opportunity in your life to play with those and adjust and
see what would it be like if I didn't take over the conversation and let
somebody else lead this time? What would it be like if I did step up
(05:10):
and have the questions to start the conversation this time? So, you know,
there's all of those parts of us that sometimes we can hide
and avoid just because it's comfortable. It's more comfortable. Like with Claire right
now, she doesn't wanna learn how to drive. It's really uncomfortable for her to
do, but she takes time she forces herself to take
tiny bites. Now there's small bites in much longer increments than I'm
(05:32):
comfortable with, but she's doing it, you know, and she's trying out. She's
aware that this is something that I want to do, but it really makes me
uncomfortable. So I wanna try it out in a little bit. And Right. I think
that's part of what we're talking about today. Right. And yes, there are there are
many kids of the younger generation that are not excited about driving. I'm hearing it.
I know. It's so funny. It's a new thing. Well, hey. There are other
(05:54):
ways of transportation. So as long as we're creative about other ways,
I'm all about not having more cars on the road. So if you can be
creative. Alright. Anyway, side note. As far as that's concerned,
yes, we we want to open the door to self awareness
and, you know, me understanding that my tendency
to always go to the bottom line and end results means sometimes I'm not paying
(06:16):
attention to the logistics for how to get there and realize I overcomplicate
things. You know? You have a tendency to want to
yeah. Hold up. Now what about this and what about this? And you question me
with it. Well, if I see all those questioning, I could say, are you just
a Debbie Downer? Well, no. There we're we have different
approaches. And when we recognize that and we recognize the different approaches, we
(06:37):
recognize how much we are. We're stronger because of it. It's it's why I
say the uniqueness in each of us strengthens all of us because we create more
of a synergy. I feel like I am a better person because of
what you bring to our
relationship, because you will challenge
me and question and affirm
(06:59):
in ways that help me bring out my best self. I mean, that's the beauty
of of a a relation of a loving relationship. Right. Because
it is also vice versa. You know, the same is true for me. You know,
I'm pushed and navigated and torn out of my comfort zone to
be thrust into a new idea that I probably would not have done if it
wasn't for you. And I'm thankful for those types of moments. And so I think
(07:20):
that's that's an important part of a relationship is understanding
sometimes that the things that grind on us are also the things
that we love about that person, you know.
You know, I we I love that you're a decision maker but
it drives me nuts, you know. And so Right. It I mean, and
so I think it's just important to remember that as you're looking at, you know,
(07:42):
your personality and the personality of your your significant other or
your partner or even your sibling or your your kids, your, you know, your
parents, all of that. It's just it helps you understand where they're
coming from so you can meet them where where they're at. Because that that's
another level of of the game where you're you're kind of aware of the of
what's going on and you're playing Yeah. In awareness.
(08:05):
So first off, we have this different understandings
of where we are and how we play with others. And we've talked about that.
We even hit on that, on our last podcast where we were talking about
how, it's not just about knowing yourself, but it's
knowing how that plays with the rest of the world. How do you interact? Is
it working for you? Is it bringing out what you want in the world
(08:28):
because of how you're acting? Or maybe do you need to tweak that? Well, this
is talking this what we're digging into today
is yet another layer to this. Mhmm. It's not just
about figuring out how my dynamic impacts your dynamic. It's also
where at life where in life are we. And I know that
just in in just looking at our relationship, I mean, we have seen each other
(08:50):
through, you know, we met at 18/19.
Mhmm. So we started as teens, and then we came into,
into our twenties. And we experienced our twenties together, which is very,
very different than our thirties. In our twenties, when we're figuring out
who are we and where do we wanna go and what kind of jobs are
we gonna have and getting married and having babies for the first time all happened
(09:12):
in our twenties. And then we've got the thirties of, well, where do we go
from here? And now that we're kind of established as a family, we've checked that.
Now where do we wanna go and what do we wanna create? Mhmm. And now
we're looking in our forties and in different season. And boy, life
has seasons. So when people ask me, does my personality change over
time? Yes and no. I think at our
(09:33):
core, who we are is who we are. And my tendency
to want the bottom line is definitely
a deep seated part of who I am and will always be there. Mhmm. But
the way I approach that and how I show up with that has changed
over, like, over my lifespan based on
my understanding of myself and my desire to connect with
(09:56):
others. Yeah. Yeah. And and that desire to
connect is the part that has us ask ourselves, do I
still want to be so confrontational when it puts
everybody on edge? Right. Exactly. Exactly. Because I
like the confrontation and I enjoy the back and forth, but some people
don't and I recognize that now. Alright. So After I've you know, so so it's
(10:18):
just that type of yeah. Yeah. So let's let's pick apart ours a little bit
here. So early strengths phase. This is when we first
are discovering our strengths, and this is as as little kids. We may
recognize, and and we as parents oftentimes do this for our kids,
you know, where we label them. Oh, that's the performer. That's the
friend finder. I did that. We said Ellie is the friend finder. You know, we
(10:41):
labeled her as the friend finder.
She was very outgoing. She was very outgoing and and personable. You know, it's
funny. But when she decided that she didn't wanna flex that all the time, that
got a little frustrating. Right. Right. So in our early
strengths, we may we may come out with these very easy
identifiers. You recognize the leaders on the playground. The kids that
(11:03):
are always calling the shots. You recognize you know, I got in trouble for being
bossy when I was younger. Did you really? I can't imagine. Isn't that crazy?
Well, you know, it's funny. I was just saying it's almost like when we're young,
it's almost like the puppy dog. If you've if you've had animals
Yes. You know that there's kind of different types of animals when somebody comes into
a house. There's the, like, the golden retriever that's so excited that they come, you
(11:24):
know, they greet and say hello. There's, you know or the, you know, the cocker
spaniel that pees all over the floor or, you know, the German shepherd that
comes up and tries to take control and domination of the situation. You know, so
there's all these kind of every every pet owner knows
that their animal's gonna have a gut reaction to somebody and they
hedge that Mhmm. That situation. And your personality, kinda your
(11:46):
gut reaction is kinda the same thing. It's kind of like when something happens, this
is the first thing that I wanna do, but I can also hedge against that
and behave differently. Right. And so in the early stages of your strengths, you lack
that impulse control. Right. Right. You're you're going on on
your impulses, and so you're just reacting. And we see a
very raw form of who you are, And
(12:08):
that can be shaped in a multitude of ways. And that
kind of goes into then how do we develop them. And that's our 2nd
stage. And in our early strengths, we're testing things out. We're just trying to
figure out what works what works for us. Then we go into developing our
strengths. And here, we may we
may learn about, what
(12:31):
really what really gets us excited. You
know, we may realize that this is a time where now we're in school and
we're recognizing that we're really good at sports and being a part of
the team. And we recognize being a team player is really a sweet spot, and
we thrive in that. Or I'm really good at chess and I can
dominate in chess or, you know, whatever. We find our strength and
(12:52):
we really move towards that. And you see that in in, like, high school, you
know, everybody kinda sits with like attracts like. Right. You know?
But as you're as you grow up and you leave that
kinda nesting stage of a lot of school and you
move out into the into what's called the real world,
you know, you kinda have to test those strengths against
(13:16):
Right. So then we go from our early strengths into developing those
strengths, and now we're in our twenties. Yeah. And or
we're, you know, our daughter Clara's age. Everybody
ask her, what are you gonna do? Where are you gonna go after this? What
are you gonna do after you graduate? You're so smart. What are you gonna do
with it? Right. There's all this pressure that now we have to, at
16 to 18 years old, decide and
(13:40):
determine our whole future trajectory. And we live in
a in an era that that's very unrealistic. And I
I mean, I talk to 50 plus year olds
every day who are looking for their next opportunity,
looking for a new job, looking for something different because we I mean, the
average job is like 2 to 3 years. And that's, I mean,
(14:02):
that's solid for in your twenties. You know, a 2 to 3
year lasting job in your twenties is pretty good. Mhmm. We're not
trying to just clock in for a paycheck for 30 years And so
why are we putting so much pressure to have it all figured out? So in
our twenties or late teens and early twenties is really an
experimental phase. And that's where we're really kind of digging in and
(14:24):
saying, okay. I've been seen as a team player all this time.
Now can I step into this role as a team player
and work in this in this business? Or I have you
know, I've stepped up in leadership. Now can I lead on
a professional level and do it in a corporate setting?
Yep. And and the world gives us those opportunities.
(14:47):
You know, sometimes you start as a teller and you end up as
a branch manager. And, you know, 2 totally
different strengths, You know? And you find out. You get to be tested. Is
that something that I'm really good at? Or no, maybe I I'm better at you
know, there's there's areas where I can excel in in
leadership where my, attention to detail is way more
(15:09):
valuable than having had the people skills. So the people skills wear me out or
whatever it is. Well, I mean, that's a great great point too. So I mean,
just reflecting just on our own life, that's that's what happened with Nathan.
I mean, you started trying to figure out where to use your
skills. You knew you were good at talking with people and that was about, you
know, you got a head of communications degree and you I can talk to you.
(15:30):
You had you had great communication skills. And
that yeah. And so then you ended up getting a job at the bank, and
you started as a relationships banker, and then you got promoted into
different levels. And, yeah, each level required something different. And we we talk about
this sometimes. It's called the Peter principle where you get hired to your level of
incompetence, where people rise up in a in a job into
(15:53):
something that's no longer a good fit for them. So you have somebody who's a
great team player who now all of a sudden has to hire and fire all
their friends, and it doesn't it's not a good fit anymore. And
so we're experimenting. We're testing what works.
And, you know, way back, I don't remember
when there was a NPR interview with Taylor Swift when she was young.
(16:14):
Mhmm. And he was kind of being condescending toward her. And I've I've referenced this
before because I loved her response. But he was kind of
treating her in a condescending way. But he was asking her about, you know, why
is it she has such bad luck in in relationships. And it's like all yours
all your love songs, you know, seem to end in a negative way. And she's
like, well, until I've found the right one,
(16:36):
it's it's a lesson for me to learn. It's it's part of the
process. And she's so right. I don't know exactly what she said there, but,
that's how we do learn what we want. We
oftentimes learn by ruling out all the things we don't want. When I
even when I have people take the assessment, I say you
have to when you're taking the personality assessment for DISC, you have a list of
(16:59):
adjectives that describe you, and you're supposed to pick what's is most like you and
what is least like you. Well, I tell people go with what's least like
you first. It's typically really easy to go, oh, that's not me. Quiet and
reserved, oh, that's not me. Bold and daring, oh. You know, you can
tell whether or not it's you pretty quickly. Yeah.
So in our twenties, we're experimenting. We're ruling things out.
(17:21):
We're figuring out where we want our life to go. Are we going on the
career trajectory? Are we going on the family trajectory? Are we trying to navigate
both? You know, what do we wanna do? What partner do we
wanna have? What tattoos do we wanna wear? There's a
lot of things that happen in our twenties on how we choose to show up.
So we experiment and we play with those strengths, and we may
(17:43):
try on a variety of hats. And it's not that you've
got somebody who's flaky. I mean, my goodness. I hope you try a
lot and you test a lot in your twenties so that you're not still trying
to test and figure it out in your forties. Be
creative and and flex those muscles to push yourself.
You've got a lot more grace and flexibility in your twenties than you do in
(18:05):
your forties when it may be that you have a family that's counting on you
as you're trying to figure yourself out. Yeah. And that becomes
very tense. But navigate
navigatable? Navigatable? Is that even a word? It is. Well, it is free
now.
Well, that's the reality is we're gonna talk about all these strengths and Because you
(18:27):
still life yeah. You come back through and I think you recycle
through those strengths as well and you want to you have an opportunity in
your at different times to reevaluate and say, okay, life has hit me with
this. So now who am I and what am I going to be today Right.
Instead of what I was yesterday. And that's what this beautiful
I think if you have a growth mindset, that's a beautiful thing. If
(18:50):
you have a I wanna stay the same mindset, then this
is stressful because things are always changing. Right. I mean, I have a
neighbor who's very, you know, she stresses about everything And
I'm thinking, you're retired. Your house is paid off. And all you do is you
sit in your house and worry. Like, go and enjoy.
Relax. Have fun. But, you know, it's everybody has their
(19:12):
own their own approach. So after your
experimental phase of really kind of trying on a
lot of different hats, that's where we go into our focus strengths. And
that's oftentimes we if we wanna go by decades here, you know, in your
thirties where now in your thirties is oftentimes where
you're developing and going down that career track or the
(19:34):
parenting track. You're in the throes of children or career.
Doing what you do. Or both. Yeah. And so this is where you're kind
of refining those specialties and those areas of expertise and how can you
go from here. I mean, I remember for me, you know,
I had the strength of all of these ideas and these things that we wanted
to implement and these things I wanted to do. And I remember I would go
(19:55):
to my dad in my twenties and be like, what if we did this and
how about this and the the the and things wouldn't necessarily happen. And then
I started to learn on how to utilize my strengths to go ahead and take
my idea, put it in a proposal, and say, this is what I
propose. We do this, this, and this, and all of a sudden I'm getting, yes.
Absolutely. That looks great. Mhmm. And it was me
(20:17):
learning how to focus my strength in a way that really
took charge the result that you wanted. And gave me the result that I wanted.
But that that takes getting out of your your comfort zone. I
mean, that that Yeah. It takes stretching another strength, you know, because you're
using the ones that you're comfortable with. Right? It's like, you know, if you're
a good runner, then you run, you know. If you like to lift weights and
(20:39):
you, you know, you lift weights. That's but you don't do the a lot of
people don't do both, you know. You kinda have one or the other. And so,
you know, it's stretching yourself and giving variety that I think
can add some spice to life. And, you know, I think there is
a misconception that you kind of you've you finally mature and get to a
point of, like, I don't know that that really exists. I
(21:01):
think you're always kinda reestablishing and
re redefining who you are in that's in the stage that you're
in. Oh, I think so too. But I think to your point, the next one
is reflection on strengths phase. Not reflecting meaning
I don't have any more to grow, But reflecting on the fact
that now in our, you know, fifties sixties,
(21:24):
we may be looking at the legacy we're creating. Mhmm. We're
getting closer to looking at, you know, end of life and where we wanna
go and how we're covered and how we're handled for the rest of
our lives. And we, at this point, you know, usually by our sixties,
we've we've got what our family tree would be. Mhmm. You know, we've got what's
gonna be behind us or what, the relationships that we've fostered
(21:47):
during this time. So we look back and we reflect where have their our
strengths helped us? Where have they taught us a valuable lesson? Maybe
the hard way. How have we grown from this and what will we do from
this? And so we have a time to look back and
reflect. Then we really have
a time to, at that point,
(22:09):
you know, even in the, there's a lot of of thoughts
and theories around menopause being, the age of
wisdom for women. And, and then a lot of the work that I've
done in just understanding our our our cycles and things like that,
there is a deep intuition. Like, there's an intuitive inward
(22:30):
approach that comes in, during
during menstruation time in your cycle. And in
the, in the span of menopause, Christiane
Northrop wrote a book called the wisdom of menopause. And it talks about how we
kind of sit in that intuitive side. We sit in a in a more wise
wise and aware reflection, of kinda
(22:52):
where we've come from and how we got to here. And so when we get
to that point, we can reflect on our strengths and we can lean
in to those strengths that have worked well for us for
all of the years. Yeah. What things we can develop? And so I
look at that and I think, you know, I'm at a point and again, I
feel like although I can compartmentalize all of these into decades, like
(23:14):
you said, there are elements of a cycle that happen. Mhmm. Because anytime we have
a transition in our life and we have the rug pulled out from under us,
you know, the death of a loved one Yeah. A brutal divorce. Grief is a
great opportunity to kinda reevaluate. Right. We
may go through all of these cycles again. Who am I? Why am I here?
Yeah. What do I have to offer? What can I bring to the table? And
(23:36):
how is it helped in the past? And how can I use it to
better foster relationships moving forward? I feel like
through me learning the hard way at times and
through wanting to be a better wife and friend
and soulmate for you and parent for my kids. I've learned
different things where now I can say I can lean into,
(23:59):
for example, my coaching hat a little bit more. And the strengths that I bring
to coaching, I lean into that in a way that I didn't at 20, and
I talked for 90% of my coaching session. Mhmm. You
know, I've learned to pull myself back and in
doing so, bringing out more in another person. And
then my strengths really shine as well because I'm I'm doing I'm
(24:22):
navigating and driving something in a way that really works for both of
us. Yeah. It's almost like strengths flow. Like, when we're in our twenties, we
just are, like, pouring it out like a fire hydrant and hoping it hits anything.
And then you realize that, you know, you can there's a valve
adjuster on this thing. That's true. Yes. You can put a little bit more
pull a little bit back and and that's true for for on both sides of
(24:44):
the fence, I think. Right. So
recognize we've got all of these strengths. I mean, she lays out at the end
just that the cycle of strengths, you know, a wise parent's gonna
observe their child's strengths and give opportunities for development.
An observant teacher or mentor will help to develop those strengths in the
adolescent years. A young adult will give themselves grace to
(25:06):
experiment with work opportunities to help that help to define their strength
zone. An adult in the focus phase will understand the need
to hone in and grow their strengths. A 40 something
adult will know the purpose, that their purpose is
rooted in their strengths to serve. And then in their
latter years, they come to approach a life where they may have fully developed
(25:28):
and explored and served in those strengths in a way that really does leave
that lasting legacy. Mhmm. So,
yes. Our personality changes over time because we as
human beings who are trying to figure ourselves
out and are navigating our our mental
well-being and our self love and every relationship we're
(25:50):
interacting with. You're talking about the Vitamix of life? Exactly.
We've got a lot thrown in the Vitamix and a lot of variables that fall
into it. And how well we understand ourselves and how well we show up
in the moment is gonna vary. Uh-huh. And that's okay. That's
part of of grace for this life and grace for growth.
There you go. So continue to seek out what
(26:14):
your strengths are and play with those. If it's not working for you and when
I say that, you can say I am a great leader. And if everybody
cringes when you walk into the room, are you a great leader, or are
you just good at telling everybody what to do and talk to them? If you're
not getting the results that you want, if you're not getting the relationships
that you want and there's friction there, pay attention
(26:36):
to what might be going on and what season are you in. Are
you really coming from a sweet spot of
understanding yourself and the best that you can to offer and recognizing
where your weak points are? Or are you,
are you going forward with an agenda of should, which we often can get
stuck in in this world? Yep. So
(26:58):
embrace your strengths. Recognize there is synergy when we are
connecting with others. And our challenge to you
is to really think about the the
different stages of your life. What did you enjoy playing as
a child? What classes interested you in school? What
was your downtime and your recharge? Have you paid
(27:21):
attention to that? And have you brought that through in the rest of your life?
Why or why not? Would it be helpful? Think about
your career for right now. What type of work do you do, and why
are you in that? Is it is it fulfilling
any, anything in your desires or in
your strengths? And look over your work, history. Has there been
(27:42):
a common theme? Is there a common thread? I may say that I
know that my role is to bring light to
others by helping them understand themselves in a way that they can brightly
shine. But I could do that as a teacher. I could do that as a
doctor. I could do that as a career coach or a life coach
or a motivational speaker or as a mom. There's a lot of
(28:04):
different labels. So, what's your common theme?
Dive into your strengths. And remember, that you The uniqueness in each
of us strengthens all of us. Namaste.
1, 2, 3.
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Welcome to Bookmarked by Reese’s Book Club — the podcast where great stories, bold women, and irresistible conversations collide! Hosted by award-winning journalist Danielle Robay, each week new episodes balance thoughtful literary insight with the fervor of buzzy book trends, pop culture and more. Bookmarked brings together celebrities, tastemakers, influencers and authors from Reese's Book Club and beyond to share stories that transcend the page. Pull up a chair. You’re not just listening — you’re part of the conversation.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com